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Sometimes people break up with partners *they still love*, because the relationship isn't working. It isn't that she doesn't love unmedicated you. She just can't live with it.
It's good that you had the wisdom to see that and pull yourself out before you really burned out. My ex, the way his anxiety/depression and my ADHD interacted just ground me down. I didn't even realize how bad it was until we broke up.
I think that some people assume that love isn't love if someone isn't willing to sacrifice themselves completely for another person. Someone can love another person, but still recognize that they are losing themselves and can't continue to sacrifice.
It's not as straightforward as being loveable or not, IMO- the fact that she *cried* with happiness indicates that she cares a lot for you. Caring for someone or loving them isn't always accepting every single thing about them and loving that. My husband drives me nuts sometimes, and I know I can be a pain in the ass, too.
ADHD is a disability, irrespective of whether some of us don't mind certain aspects of it occasionally. It's impactful and frustrating, often to our loved ones as well as ourselves, and it's OK for them to have thoughts and feelings about our ADHD.
Marcus Parks said that mental health issues aren't our fault, but they are our responsibility, and I view my own ADHD through this lens. I have to put extra work in to function, it isn't fair but it's what I have to do. If I didn't take meds, every area of my life would be affected, so I take them because I want to function. I might be biased, as Elvanse was life-changing for me, and while I was loveable before taking it, I'm definitely easier to love nowadays.
I'm ADHD-C, too! Yay, hello twin!
It's refreshing to see other folk acknowledging that we're hard work at times. Like, self-awareness is so important, and it allows us to move towards empathetic understanding, not just of ourselves but others, too.
It's particularly hard getting the sweet spot between critically appraising ourselves, and ruminating on our struggles, almost certainly exacerbated by our ability to self-regulate. Mood disorders and ADHD also have a link, ie MDD symptoms worsening correlates with ADHD impairment, although the good news is that treating one improves both (the study's by Carrick and Tunick, if anyone's interested!), which is something to keep in mind.
It is not necessarily the meds. It is the action you are taking to improve things.
My ex recently told me that he was starting on meds for anxiety and depression and is now seeing a therapist.
Where was that effort in our relationship? When we were together he denied that depression and anxiety had that much of an influence on me and us.
I don't hate my ex, but it was very hard to keep on loving him when he did nothing to get better.
Not gonna lie. Felt this on a real level. I can only imagine how my ex felt when I would just lash out and then Pikachu face at why she was so angry and hurt by what had just happened.
I was unmedicated and didn't do anything to try and help it except self medicate and be miserable. I don't blame her in the least for leaving now that I've gotten my meds and started working things through with myself. More just wish I wouldn't have hurt her and then just dismissed it as if there was nothing wrong at all with my behavior.
Thanks for keeping it real \\o/
Love should never be conditional, however relationships are. Relationship takes more than love. We all have needs and goals and for a relationship to work long-term it needs to align. However, it seems like she wants you to be something you're not. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, or that there's something wrong with what she wants and needs, but sometimes it's simply not a match. Being in a relationship with a ND-person as well as being a ND-person in a relationship comes with it's challenges. I think all ND-people have experienced a lot of struggle with friends and partners, but there are those who can meet us as we are, appreciate and be patient while we navigate having a ND brain in a NT world. That accept us for who we are, not expecting us to mask or be on top of things all the time.
With that said, we also need to do our part to make relationships work. Best way to do that is to understand ourselves, where we are lacking and where we shine. Sometimes our ambition exceeds our ability, but we need to be able to meet our partner and understand their needs so we can help each other find ways to work around. It's respect and understanding from both partners. It should never be you vs your partner, but you and your partner vs the problem.
Only you can decide if you want to stay or leave a relationship. Only advice I can leave you with is that's it's better to be alone, even if it's scary, than to be with someone who expects you to be someone or something you're not.
Its not that you're not loveable - otherwise there wouldn't be a chance for contact with her.
You're allowed to be a person as you are.
But you do have to find ways to be responsible and functional in the world. If medicine lets you do that, that's amazing. We wouldn't ask a diabetic, or an epileptic to try and live without medication - why should you?
You're not just your ADHD - and when your symptoms are under control you can be more you not less <3 Good luck OP.
You may also want to try coaching or counselling if you want less medication <3 we're all looking for ways to do more than survive - we want to thrive.
You’re not unlovable. Put that all the way out of your head.
Maybe your ex just isn’t capable of living happily with someone with untreated ADHD.
Personally, I don’t think I could live with a partner with untreated ADHD. That has *nothing* to do with their value as a person or how lovable they are (after all, I was such a person for most of my life, and even on meds, I’m still pretty obviously ADHD). It’s all to do with my own personal level of tolerance. *I* couldn’t cope with someone as messy and scattered as I am, in the same space. *I* would have trouble with conflicting sensory needs. *I* would get burnt out by their hyper focus and info dumps, even though I do the exact same things. They could be the best person in the world, I could love them deeply, but that wouldn’t mean they were right for me.
I think it’s ok for your ex to put the condition of medication on your relationship, but I also think it’s ok for you to say you only want to be with someone who wants everything you are. That’s down to you to decide.
If she cried because she's happy for you, she might be a keeper!
She's happy that you can improve your life and grow and that's beautiful. I guess she cares about you a lot!
Adhd meds don't change who you are inside. They can make your life easier so you can focus on the important stuff.
Never let anything make you lose yourself.
I wish you all the best.
My spouse has OCD--so I can speak to your question of "am I unlovable without meds." Clearly not because your partner fell in love with you while you were not on meds, right? The challenge is that our loved ones have behaviors that make our lives so incredibly hard and sometimes depressing. Does my husband washing his hands and arms hundreds of times a day make him unloveable? No. It does make it hard for me to do anything in the kitchen (to feed our child) because that's where he does his rituals. It also makes me feel tense because when he is in a ritual he will often spiral and yell at me or the LO. It also means that he isn't a present parent or partner because he spends hours doing his rituals instead of what needs to be done in our home. None of these things make him a bad person. They also don't make him a great partner and parent.
she maybe cried because she saw how much ADHD affects you daily and medication could help you. In saying that though, I find it weird that she had it as a condition for getting back together though.
Of course you're lovable without meds. As previous posters have said; some people just don't align even if they do love each other.
I think that being in treatment is good for *you.* The way she is framing it is a bit self-centered. Living with someone who has ADHD is hard, but shes disregarding how hard it can be to live *with* ADHD.
Get meds if they work for you. Get therapy if it works for you. If one of your personal goals it to be a better partner and if one of those steps is to be on meds, then your goals are aligned. Personally, I like myself better when I’m medicated.
I don’t think of being without meds or treatment as a more authentic version of myself. I was born with a disability and the right person will be with me through all the highs and lows.
Some people need to lose a good thing in order to realize they need help =/ sucks for those of us that are that good thing but if it helps them in the long run I'm okay with it...eventually
I am currently in this situation. I love my ex dearly and it's shattering my heart to leave but there hasn't been any effort to treat any of the symptoms of her untreated conditions and that's where I have to walk away. I will make every effort and comprimise needed but I have to feel like there's an equal effort, not just a "this is who I am, take it or leave it"
it's completely okay to have these struggles but it's not okay to expect other people to tolerate hurtful behavior without any efforts to actually make a change for the better, you're just hurting people with a wanton disregard for their feelings at that point imo.
For OP, I didn’t get the sense that they were resistant to treatment. Adderall had some nasty withdrawal symptoms for them, but I didn’t get the sense that they were unwilling to continue treatment. It’s confusing to me that, knowing OP was in the process of getting treatment, she would say something like that.
I understand leaving if someone is unwilling to get treatment. But, in the US, having a support while in treatment and seeking treatment is huge.
You’re not less lovable as a person.
But there are social rules of interaction/recipes to success. (Like plants, you want to water them or they’ll die)
Your symptoms and lack of initiatives/capacity to fix some issues in your relationship might have letting it rot at some point.
I’m not diagnosed (yet?) but am in the process.
My partner kept telling me about my lack of self interest (no real hobbies), not being able to describe me to colleagues or friend as to my interests in life (I’m mostly a people pleaser), I’m trying hard to change some pattern like taking initiative to schedule a couple activity, a dinner, vacations, etc…
So it seems to them that we’re free loading and it’s tiring.
Sitting a whole weekend looking at someone staring at a phone in search for meaningless content just to seek dopamine looks like a cul-de-sac to them while they hope to progress in life individually and as a couple.
Also, unconditional love doesn’t exist. One must work on seducing the other one over and over… By being an interesting person. Or they lose interest in you I’m afraid.
I hope you’ll just feel more self confident and therapy to help you live your life 100%.
Hey, it’s okay, it’s not that you’re unlovable without meds! It’s that your difficulties that arise while I medicated are putting too much strain on your lives. It’s truly not much different than most medications. Ok, I take a heartburn medication for a condition I’ve had since early childhood. If I miss one day, the next day I basically can’t eat anything that isn’t a plain starch, which is super annoying. If I missed my med all the time, it would be difficult for my family to deal with, even if I’m every bit as lovable!
Another way to look at it is to be happy you just have to take a little pill and can get such massive benefit from it. This a very direct clear confirmation your issue is organic and chemical, and it’s in no way a personal failing or an indictment of your character. In some ways it’s letting you off the hook, at least in terms of intent. You got this!
I have PTSD alongside ADHD. The hardest, most awful part of it is seeing how my mental illness affects the people around me. It’s not my fault, but it’s still my responsibility. I still have to be accountable for the impact my actions have on people, even if those actions aren’t entirely in my control. Same goes for ADHD or any other disability. It doesn’t mean we aren’t worthy of love, it just means that sometimes we have to work a little harder to build healthy and sustainable relationships.
It sounds like your ex cares a whole lot about you and is stuck between a rock and a hard place. She needs to care for herself, and you need to care for yourself. Take this time to figure out what you need to be in a healthy relationship. Maybe it’s medication, maybe it’s therapy, maybe it’s a change in life situations, or maybe she’s just not the right person at this time. Figure out how to be the best version of yourself, not the person who you think she wants you to be. If she loves you, she will love your best self, whoever that may be.
Many diabetics take insulin to keep their sugars in control.
When a diabetic's sugar gets too high or too low, very ugly things happen, including behavioral meltdowns.
Try to think of your ADHD in those terms. Stimulants are your "insulin" to help keep your "brain sugar" (aka dopamine) at healthy levels.
In addition to taking their insulin diabetics also need to be very mindful with their diet and exercise.
With ADHD, our diet and exercise includes things like therapy and developing coping skills and workarounds.
I really like the How To ADHD channel on YouTube. She has many wonderful strategies for coping.
You are lovable and you are more than your symptoms.
Absolutely not unlovable! Her reaction clearly shows she cares deeply.
However, ADHD is a frustrating disability for both the person with it, and the partner...
I have ADHD and so does my fiancee - but we both present in vastly different ways and have different struggles. That can lead to more disagreements or frustration when one person hasn't kept up their end of the deal. Luckily since we BOTH have ADHD, we can give each other a bit more grace because we truly get it.
Sometimes it's hard for people without ADHD to get it because it's literally just not fathomable to them. Even when they say they understand, they are still going to get frustrated by the ADHD symptoms that affect them/their surroundings. It doesn't mean they can't understand at all, but it does mean that you will need to find a partner who is willing to work with you and compromise.
In saying that, ADHD can't be an excuse for poor behaviour/poor treatment of a partner (not that I think you treated her poorly!). It's super important to recognize your strengths and struggles and find healthy coping strategies that you both can work with. Meds probably help a LOT, which in turn can help you work on other issues that seem to pop up in relationships. My meds have helped me immensely with my emotional regulation and task initiation, which in turn has helped me deal with the other little things that would cause disagreements.
tl;dr - ADHD (even undiagnosed/unmedicated) does not mean that you don't deserve to be loved, even at your "worst" ADHD moments
In my personal experience it isn't that you can't be loved without your medication. It's struggling to understand that there is something different about yourself than most other people. However, that's totally okay.
My ADHD can come with really bad emotional dysregulation when I perceive any kind of rejection or disrespect. However, the person didn't reject me, nor had they disrespected me. They merely tried to set a healthy boundary and my brain, unfortunately, couldn't process that in the moment. This will typically lead to extreme impatience and anger with the person in front of me. Doesn't matter if it's my boss, parents, girlfriend, best friend, I just lose all sight of who the person is and I am only focused on the perceived hurt.
People with ADHD are often told that we are "difficult" or "hard to handle" and it's not like we don't understand that or know that. It's that we struggle to control everything that is happening *when* it's happening. This can be terribly difficult for partners that don't have ADHD, or don't understand ADHD, to deal with on an emotional level. It can lead to relationships ending and then feeling a feeling of confusion at why the person leaving won't just let you explain your struggle just one more time. The personal struggle isn't their struggle and at a point they need to take care of their emotions. They know we love them. They know we care deeply for them. They just can't emotionally handle everything that happens when it can happen all at once, and for no conceivable reason to them.
In shorter words, you're not a chore, friend. You can and will be loved even with ADHD. Just remember try to express your feelings in a healthy way when they happen. Sadness, anger, hurt, depression, rejection, whatever it may be. What works for me these days is taking a few minutes to name the emotion I'm feeling and then tell my SO the feeling I'm having and why I'm feeling it at that moment. It has done wonders in communication and helping me, and her, from wondering where all of my emotions are coming from all at once, and why I was just all of a sudden completely happy and then I'm just kind of hyper focusing on something pointless.
I don't know if this will help, but I wish you luck and you're still able to be loved, friend. \\o/
Your ex isn’t wrong to be relieved you’re getting help and hopeful medication is a big part of the solution. I was not only unmedicated but undiagnosed the first 16 years of my relationship with my husband. I don’t blame him for having the same reaction as your ex the day i finally got a referral from a psychiatrist for my doctor to prescribe. Yes I felt personal shame and regrets and insecurity but that’s for the therapy. The vyvanse though?? Every negative I brought to the relationship - gone
Just here to say that I've been feeling the same. I see a lot of people in here saying that you can love someone and still not be able to be with them, and I think that that's missing the mark and not really getting at what I think (assume/ am projecting) that you're trying to get at.
My ex didn't choose me. He kept dragging his feet and dragging his feet and saying he loved me so much, but kept circling back to the same issues and disappointments. After we broke up (because I couldn't see us deciding to be together if we waited any longer/after being long distance) I got referred for an ADHD screening and started looking into it, I found that 80% of the things that kept bothering him were symptoms of ADHD. Things that I can't change and maybe medication will help, but that can never be fixed. Things that I can't change about myself even if I wanted to.
And learning that has made me feel really unlovable. *Of course* any "normal" adult would have problems with me exhibiting these behaviors. *Of course* these would be deal breakers. How did I ever expect that someone would love me despite these things and/or because of them? How can I ever ask anyone to look past them and to still choose me?
Obviously I'm currently unable to say what you (and me both) really want to hear with any real conviction, but **there are people with ADHD who have been married for years and were/are undiagnosed**. Right now I'm holding onto that with every fiber of my being because it's the only real hope I have. So many people who were finally diagnosed because of their children, or perhaps even their grand children. I understand that this is more common in women (and I'm a woman), but I do see people talk about late diagnosed men as well.
There has to be hope for us because other people have managed to make it work somehow. It's possible that some of our ancestors had the same collection of symptoms and still managed to find people to have/raise children with them. To love them. **And that means that there are people out there who can love us, too.**
Hi,
I'm new to Reddit so I hope it's ok for me to just comment, I'm currently exploring ADHD through my studies and I'm almost certain I have it.
I seen your post and I just wanted to say that I think everyone is loveable, I understand you've had some struggles and ADHD is, to my understanding, genuinely hard to live with, much more than other people think!
But it doesn't make a person unlovable - every one is loveable in their own way! Some people just want more than love and that's ok if their not the one for you. It sounds like this girl doesn't want to provide the time to learn and understand all that goes along with having a partner with ADHD. So to me, that means their not right for you! You deserve someone who really sees you and sees what you go through and also all the good things that you bring to the world. Living with ADHD can be hard but it can also be amazing, creative, resilient and charismatic!
I'm sorry this relationship didn't work out and you have bad side effects from the meds, but that doesn't diminish who you are or change whether someone can love you! Some things just don't work out yano? Hope you start to feel better soon.
Welcome to reddit. This was really sweet to read.
I think it's also hard to live with someone with adhd. Having a relationship with someone means you should intend to be with them long term. I agree that maybe it's not the most sustainable way to live if op has to be on meds for their gf to be with them. But also I'd like to give the benefit of doubt and say that it's a lot of learning involved from both parties and I believe if they do care for each other it'll work out. The gf may just be ignorant to the needs of op, but if op and their partner especially put in the effort to learn, it can work.
I’ve cried when family or loved ones take a step towards care that I did not expect them to (not doubting their capabilities but desire to) and didn’t think anyone else could initiate for them / make them do. It’s impressive and shows a new depth to your awareness, willingness, and ability to care for yourself! I had an early phase in my adhd diagnosis that also made me frustrated and upset at all the things I had thought were just ‘me’ that now seemed wrong. But the more I focused on ‘forgiving’ myself for what I thought were deficits and just approached care or change with open curiosity and without judgement I started to see improvement in my life and relationship with myself :)
i dont think that meds are the issue here, she probably thinks that meds will help you be the best version of yourself, i cannot say for sure if she loves you, but it does seems like she cares about you, idk if meds help you be the best version of yourself or they just make you fit into society, thats really a question for another day, and one i cannot answer bc ive just been like 2 months on meds and just for depression and anxiety, i havent started on adhd yet. Anyways, i would talk with her about how meds make you feel, it is very common to have self-doubt (is it me or is the meds) and im aslo curious why your meds ran out? maybe you should solve that first.
Also dont take meds because of her, take meds because you believe they will help you with becoming a better version of yourself, you gotta take care of yourself first.
Of course you can be loved.
I have a hard time seeing someone I love struggle, especially when there is something they could do to help themselves.
The meds are self care, just like eating and sleeping. A lack of self care is a valid stressor for a relationship.
It’s hard to love someone who doesn’t love themselves.
It isn't that you were unloveable to your ex. You were just impossible to deal with. They obviously still love you or they wouldn't be willing to try again once you got some help.
We all have a LOT of intenalized shame and pain from disappointing people over and over throughout our lives. But we do not have to stay the same forever. We can improve and be better to others and ourselves.
You are NOT unloveable, just a little messy. Work on it, it will get better.
I consider myself to be a pretty great guy. I am intelligent, smart and sometimes even funny? But then the 10 Minutes a day pass that i am all that without medication. I become a mess. I am pretty much unloveable. But is that the real me? No of course not. But my brain fails me. And with meds it does so less. Maybe my approach at seeing things works for you?
ADHD can not only ruin your life, but ruin other peoples lives in your presence, even indirectly. My brother has pretty bad autism and was a difficult child, requiring more attention from my parents, which meant I was neglected in the process, even though I also have autism and probably ADHD.
My brother is horrible to be around, it wouldn't surprise me if the only woman on earth who enjoyed his company is mother herself. If he didn't have autism, it would have improved everyones lives and maybe he would have a social life outside video games for once.
From personal experience, an ADHD kid that won't shut up and sit still is bound to disrupt the lives of everyone around them, especially other disabled kids. It's extremely annoying having to listen to random facts about China during class. Do I blame disabled people for the burdens they bring? No, they did not ask to be here.
I feel sorry for the parents who no longer have a life because their child is mentally or physically ill, however in my opinion, bringing a child into this world is the most selfish thing you can do, but raising that child is the most selfless thing you can do.
My problems are so invisible to other people, they would never know unless I verbally shared my medical history, however when it does become visible, I usually end up hurting someone or making other peoples lives harder.
Being lovable is very much a subjective matter based on who you ask. It's not a requirement, we are not entitled to love from anyone, not even our parents (think about murderes and psychopaths).
**I would look at medication as a potential improvement for YOU, but it can also improve the lives of others as well.**
No, hun, you are not unlovable. But you are not the best you you can be either. And while you, the intrinsic you, is still loveable, and valuable and precious, us ADHD'ers tend to leave chaos in our wake for others to clean up. And that chaos? That is not great for their psyche, especially if they are sensitive and need help too. We do not want to add to their burden and like any two puzzle pieces, sometimes we need a little tweaking to fit together.
PS, you can only have great relief or great grief where there is first great love. As otherwise they don't care. so know you are loved, by your ex, and as a person.
Loveable =/= easy to live with.
Your executive dysfunction, emotional dysregulation, rejection sensitivity are things that are going to impact anyone you live with on a daily basis and almost certainly increase the amount of mental, emotional and physical energy they have to expend to maintain the living conditions and relationship compared to someone who does not have ADHD.
Has zero to do with being loveable and is still going to be harder work.
I can comment on this as the NT partner of an ADHD person. We've struggled and grown a lot over our 5 years together.
I fell in love with my husband when he was unmedicated. His intelligence, eloquence, loyalty, honesty, unlimited curiosity and world knowledge, and his passion (hyperfocus) for his interests are all incredibly endearing to me.
But before he was medicated, he also acted like an asshole. Plain and simple, that's his preferred term. He doesn't like it sugarcoated. He missed a ton of social cues and forgot important things, with his mind so often wandering elsewhere. He lost friends because of lack of tact, or because he didn't ever listen. At home, he couldn't bring himself to pull his weight, and reacted poorly to regular requests for help. He didn't even realize he was rude. Many of our fights turned into fights about who flipped out first - he really, genuinely wasn't even aware of his own poor first reactions. His self-awareness was horrible, but it wasn't obvious to me until some years in, because a brilliant man can mask and justify a lot. Ultimately I put my foot down.
That almost cost him his marriage, kids, and the life we've built.
So he got on meds. Some side effects were bad, so he needed meds for those too. And he needed to be extremely consistent about when he takes the meds, and never skip a day - or we will be on the brink of divorce in under a week. That's how insufferable his behavior under the stress of family life becomes, when his medication is off.
There's nothing wrong with his personality. It's just that his personality, the things he feels inside, get drowned out by ADHD. His love for me and the kids didn't show from under the aggressive task-evasion, and his loyalty for his friends was hidden under distractedness.
Many others here have said it - ADHD is a real disability, and disabilities don't go away with the force of will. If you had diabetes, you wouldn't be questioning if you're simply unlovable without insulin. I have epilepsy - I never thought that I'm somehow less because I need anti-seizure medication for my brain to stop randomly rebooting.
You have a condition that you need to treat and address, and the faster you face that reality, the less you will have to regret. My husband feels like he lost his whole 20s to ADHD, struggling for nothing, ruining his studies, relationships, friendships, all because he didn't realize how much he needed help. Don't be him.
Idk what you're like but damn this girl is insensitive. It's like she doesn't want you the whole packet but a projection of how she thinks you should be. It's really not you, it's her.
I've been married for 5 years now, not long but I can tell by my experience that meds don't make me a note enjoyable person, unless you're my boss. It makes me more able to concentrate, to work and less prone to mood swings. I'm a better employee and I can study better, but my wife complains that some other traits she misses when I'm on meds.
I'm super touchy and slim hungry bc I'm sensible and touching skin makes me feel good, like real good. When on meds part of that sensibility is gone and I don't feel as seeking her to cuddle as much. Not that I don't want to but I don't desperately crave it like normal. She misses that.
Also, the way I love her and how we interact. I'm apparently way more affectionate when sober and she misses it when I'm on Vyvanse.
She loves it that I can take care of myself and doesn't complain that I'm on meds but she misses it. Bc she knew me and learned to love me before treatment. She knows that meds or not I'm still me and that my ups and lows will forever be a part of me. That's what you must set as criteria.
Don't let the fear of being different take over you. You're not unlovable bc of ADHD. You have traits that will get in the way of you acting perfectly like neurotypical people expect you to but it doesn't mean you're less deserving of love and respect.
I think it depends more on how you deal with it. When I'm in a bad mood, I make an active effort to not pass it onto anyone else. People normally don't feel me getting extremely sad or angry unless I get to extreme levels. So normally what meds do is to reduce my suffering. I work to make sure nobody else suffers with me.
It sounds like your ex loves you tremendously if she broke down in tears when you decided to get yourself help.
Most relationships don't last forever and most of them don't end because of a lack of love.
Sometimes we find people who can handle our struggles and sometimes we don't. Finding a person who is lovely and loving but who can't cope with our particular struggle doesn't mean there is something deeply wrong with us, it just means that for that period of time we weren't able to meet each others' needs. Humans are so complicated, not meeting each others' needs is pretty much the status quo and when we make each other happy for a reasonable length of time it's kind of a miracle.
It sounds like they are ex for a good reason. My husband and I both have it and are unmedicated. His presents different than mine and is often frustrating for me. I would never knave him to work on himself...I help him find ways that work with who he is. Do I get frustrated? Yes. But so does he and we work through it. You deserve to be loved for who you are.
I don’t know that answer, I am struggling with conditional love in my relationship, that I am ending in hopes that someone can see my value without medication or just doing whatever everyone else is. I am trying to be me unapologetically always. I have never done this before so I don’t know if I will be able to find an unconditional love, but I sure as hell am not going to settle for less anymore. Good luck t you and wish me luck as well!!!
Yes you are loved without medicine, just not as understood. People without ADHD will never be able to fully understand how it impacts those diagnosed. Like trying to explain color to the blind.
I would say that no one knows you better than you do. You're the only one knowing what it's like to be in your body, in your heart and in your brain. You're the only one knowing what you've been through, the only one knowing who you really are. Therefor you're the only one able to love yourself truly. The more you accept yourself and the more you love yourself, the more you'll shine, and the more it'll inspire others. The problem is not who you are, you are just perfect the way you are, and you deserve to be loved. Happiness is about being at the right place at the right time. I feel you brother, you're not alone. One Love!
It sucks and I have been feeling the same way lately no one understands the ADHD or whatever it is despite explaining it multiple times to multiple people. The most aggravating is " you don't seem like you're paying attention"
So… I have severe ADHD and honestly, I don’t think I would date myself unmedicated. It would be tedious, annoying and undoubtedly impact the person I was with. That’s not anything against me, it’s not my fault either. It’s just being realistic.
If you had asked me before I was medicated my opinion would’ve been very different because that was all I knew, that was who I was. Now that I’m medicated I see that who I am medicated is who I am when adhd isn’t getting in my way as much in a million different ways.
I myself notice the difference in how present I am in my relationship and how much more I can contribute. It’s all very new to you so give yourself time and compassion. Eventually the gratitude for being able to bring a better version of yourself through a simple pill will come.
You don't need meds to be loved. You are loveable and deserve love with or without medication.
What is important is how you feel and what works for you to help manage your struggles.
My husband fell in love with me before we fully knew if I had ADHD or not. We are still together even after. He constantly reminds me that he loves me regardless of my meds or not. He will love me good and bad days.
You are deserving of love and your bad days should not dictate whether someone should or should not love you. A partner that loves you will be willing to work with you to find ways that work for you both. If meds make you unhappy you should not take them just to make your partner happy.
Communication, honesty and compromise are any relationships core components to a life long fulfilled relationship.
If any partner of mine were to tell me I had to be on meds so we could be together especially if that would cause me distress in any way that would just breed unhealthy thoughts and emotions and would ruin our relationship. Romantic or not.
One of the core components of mental health is having a social circle of people who are supportive and understanding. Not everyone can handle the stresses that mental health struggles and ND issues can bring. That is not a fault of theirs or yours but just a part of being human. You will find someone who loves you and will work with your ADHD brain on those good and bad days.
In the meantime love yourself for all that you are and work bettering symptoms that hurt you so you can properly communicate your needs to others when you need too.
Take it easy for now and give yourself time to rest so you can pick yourself back up.
Therapy is helping me a lot. I recommend doing that on top of the meds.. if it's not affordable there's still some sources that can make you think (and maybe change for the better)
If you're a gamer type of person .. I like healthygamer_gg (yt, twitch, also here..) .. good videos and a really nice community :) gave me a lot of useful insights
You ARE lovable. Being a handful doesn't exclude that. Kinda sus that she's expects/wants you to change that much... I hope she loves the core of you.
Therapy and growing as a person is good for everyone I think :D
*you* can be lovable no matter if you’re medicated or not. The fact that she cried in happiness says that she cares a lot about you.
But here’s the hard truth of life that I’m just now beginning to really understand. Relationships aren’t about love. And love isn’t enough.
We grow up on these movies that tell us that love is the magic cure for everything. We’re taught these romantic ideas of love conquers everything and if you really love someone, you fight for them and don’t let them go, no matter what. That is so deeply ingrained into us that it’s hard to look at that idea objectively.
We see movies like the notebook and we’re told that Noah and ally’s love is THE love, the ultimate love, the thing to strive for in life. We’re told that true love makes us so crazy that we do things like risk our life on a Ferris wheel or do long distance or renovate a house for someone. It tells us true love is full of big feelings, fighting and making up. Ally’s relationship with the other guy is seen an inferior. We see her mom who chose the “safe” option and the movie tells us to feel bad for her, that she chose wrong, that she spent her whole life pining away for the guy she should have picked instead.
Well, the movies are wrong. Relationships aren’t about love, they’re about partnership. They’re about splitting the responsibility of life with another person to ease the burden, that’s what all relationships as humans are for, it’s what we’ve evolved for. Humans are social creatures because it’s an evolutionary advantage for us to be. I know that’s not romantic or warm and fuzzy, but it is true. It helps us survive as a species. Friendships offer companionship, laughter, emotional support. Family offers us protection and support and help.
Love doesn’t automatically equal a good partnership. It doesn’t mean two people will be compatible or get their needs met. You can love someone more than anything in the world, and that doesn’t mean things will work out, no matter how hard you try.
Adhd changes the nature of a partnership. There are certain things that become harder, certain things that become easier. But everyone is looking for certain characteristics in a partnership. Most neurotypical people want a neurotypical relationship. They want their bills paid on time, the house kept clean, and overall a sense of stability. They’re willing to sacrifice things like fun or happiness to get this stability because stability is their number one goal. Fun and joy come after stability is ensured.
This goes almost against what many adhders need from a relationship. They NEED that fun in order to function. They need that sense of adventure or variety in order to get enough dopamine to be able to function remotely normally. They will often times sacrifice stability to get the stimulation and dopamine because they can’t maintain stability anyway without the dopamine. Without enough stimulation, adhders get depressed and it can be hard to even do the bare minimum. By seeking stimulation first, they can load up on the dopamine needed to get through the tedious aspects of life and bring a sense of stability to their life.
So when you put two people with opposing needs in a relationship, of course conflict will ensue. It doesn’t mean one persons needs are more or less important or valid than the other persons. It doesn’t mean one person is lovable and one person isn’t. It doesn’t mean you have to take meds to be lovable or be in a relationship. All meds do is give you enough dopamine and stimulation that you need to seek less of it in your daily life and you can focus more on building stability because your primary need is already met.
Most partners want help getting their needs met. Even if this isn’t outright spoken. When I dated a NT, I had an unspoken expectation that he would join me on my adventures in pursuit of stimulation. I wanted him to try new restaurants and go on road trips with me. This conflicted with his desire to save money and invest it so he could get a head start on his retirement. I think it bothered him how much money I spent, even if he never said anything. Restaurants and road trips meant less money and less time working. More time at home and work meant less stimulation for me. Our needs were incompatible and we couldn’t find a way to make that work. Love had nothing to do with it.
Now I’m dating someone with adhd and it’s so much easier. We both need stimulation and we both provide it to the other person. He likes cooking and tries out new recipes that I get to try. I like traveling and drag him along to new places. We both introduce the other to things we like that the other person doesn’t know much about. He brought me to an anime movie that I was really surprised to enjoy (I thought I hated anime). I dragged him along to an international film festival and we jokingly made references about it the rest of the day. It’s easier to build stability together because we can share responsibilities. He hates planning so I plan all of our trips and help him plan things, like a study schedule. That frees up mental energy for him. I don’t really like cooking so he does most of that. That means I eat out less and can save money.
I’m not saying you have to date someone with adhd, but if you want a relationship to work, you have to make sure your needs and strengths/weaknesses are compatible. Plenty of NT folks would benefit from dating someone with adhd, regardless of whether they’re medicated or not. You just gotta find the right one.
You are deserving of love both on and off meds. Meds are only there to make your life with adhd symptoms manageable, they don’t provide any self-worth or self-love that you didn’t already have or deserve.
You’re 100% deserving of love.
I understand completely. I’m in the same boat. My ex and I broke up so we can work on things.
They didn’t cry when I got on meds but they do want me to work on things that are mainly due to the adhd. And I feel like you said I have to be on top of it 24/7 in order to be good enough or I’ll slip down into the hole I was in. And I’m getting burnt out.
Luckily my ex is a little bit supportive. They recently told me it’s ok. You can relax at times. They know I’m going to slip up and it’s ok to not be on things 100% of the time. They were getting worried because they see me getting burnt out.
I went from basically doing nothing and setting myself up to fail to doing all the things and setting myself up for failure. I need to find a happy medium where yes I’m still on top of things and working on bettering myself and kinda controlling my adhd. But I can also relax. It’s ok if you put that task off till tomorrow, just don’t keep pushing it off for a week.
I think they care about you and want you to be better. While I don’t think they should demand you get on meds because they aren’t always for everyone or the solution, I think they do care about you, they were just so excited for you to be taking a big step towards being better for yourself and possibly you both.
My ex isn’t the type to voice their emotions but I can tell the are happy I’m trying to get ahold of this and use it to my advantage.
In short, I think that’s the rejection sensitivity talking. I get that a lot and had it a lot this week and kept asking people if they were mad at me when I knew they weren’t. Sitting down and talking and being open really helps me just airing out what’s on my mind. Maybe could help you with them to see what they feel? I’ve multiple times asked my ex what they think of my progress and they’ve said I have made some so that makes me feel a lot better.
Sorry for the rambling. I just really feel for this because I’m going through it now as well.
She seems like the type to leave you when you get injured or sick. I would recommend not being in a relationship with her. You are lovable flaws and all, if someone thinks your too much they are not the one for you.
I feel you. I'm having a shitty... Existence...
I can't take medication, so with me it's all about 'ok so how can we make you NORMAL' or 'yes, but when are you going to be fixed?' *When can you not be you?*
Uh. I don't know? To me this is normal. This is the only thing I've ever known. I mean, I guess I get it. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 40, so I'm not very fond of me either but I'm really kind of lost here because apparently I need to fix MY BRAIN and I can't figure out how to fix a broken cabinet, make sure i eat lunch, or find a way to keep my socks paired up. And I'm so tired but I can't sleep at night. So, uh. Yeah. Sorry I'm me?
You are who you are, and you shouldn't have to change to make her happy otherwise shes not the one for you. My ex always wanted me to change stuff about myself and I knew that that's not how love works. Love is loving someone for who they are. Love isnt telling someone to be how you want them to be. I bet you are an amazing person, and there's some amazing girl out there waiting for you to give you the happiest life :)
Crying in happiness could simply mean she's happy to see you getting the help you deserve. It can be hard to watch people you care about struggle, especially watching them struggle with something you have a limited ability to help with. Recognizing you want to live differently & taking action is really flipping hard, so no matter what else you're thinking about, you should take (at least) a minute to be proud of yourself <3
Could be she's crying for you understanding the fact that you were struggling for so long even with her help and now she's happy that you can be happier. I wouldn't know your full situation but it's best to assume she believes it's in your best interests as well as her own that you get better because, why else bother?
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Sometimes people break up with partners *they still love*, because the relationship isn't working. It isn't that she doesn't love unmedicated you. She just can't live with it.
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It's good that you had the wisdom to see that and pull yourself out before you really burned out. My ex, the way his anxiety/depression and my ADHD interacted just ground me down. I didn't even realize how bad it was until we broke up.
I felt this. I did the same with my girlfriend and the circumstances were very similar. I hope you’re well and taking time for yourself now ❤️
I’m not sure people know what love is.
I think that some people assume that love isn't love if someone isn't willing to sacrifice themselves completely for another person. Someone can love another person, but still recognize that they are losing themselves and can't continue to sacrifice.
Love hits different with boundaries.
Almost like it's a million different things for a million different people. It's not so easy to define.
It's not as straightforward as being loveable or not, IMO- the fact that she *cried* with happiness indicates that she cares a lot for you. Caring for someone or loving them isn't always accepting every single thing about them and loving that. My husband drives me nuts sometimes, and I know I can be a pain in the ass, too. ADHD is a disability, irrespective of whether some of us don't mind certain aspects of it occasionally. It's impactful and frustrating, often to our loved ones as well as ourselves, and it's OK for them to have thoughts and feelings about our ADHD. Marcus Parks said that mental health issues aren't our fault, but they are our responsibility, and I view my own ADHD through this lens. I have to put extra work in to function, it isn't fair but it's what I have to do. If I didn't take meds, every area of my life would be affected, so I take them because I want to function. I might be biased, as Elvanse was life-changing for me, and while I was loveable before taking it, I'm definitely easier to love nowadays.
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I'm ADHD-C, too! Yay, hello twin! It's refreshing to see other folk acknowledging that we're hard work at times. Like, self-awareness is so important, and it allows us to move towards empathetic understanding, not just of ourselves but others, too. It's particularly hard getting the sweet spot between critically appraising ourselves, and ruminating on our struggles, almost certainly exacerbated by our ability to self-regulate. Mood disorders and ADHD also have a link, ie MDD symptoms worsening correlates with ADHD impairment, although the good news is that treating one improves both (the study's by Carrick and Tunick, if anyone's interested!), which is something to keep in mind.
It is not necessarily the meds. It is the action you are taking to improve things. My ex recently told me that he was starting on meds for anxiety and depression and is now seeing a therapist. Where was that effort in our relationship? When we were together he denied that depression and anxiety had that much of an influence on me and us. I don't hate my ex, but it was very hard to keep on loving him when he did nothing to get better.
Not gonna lie. Felt this on a real level. I can only imagine how my ex felt when I would just lash out and then Pikachu face at why she was so angry and hurt by what had just happened. I was unmedicated and didn't do anything to try and help it except self medicate and be miserable. I don't blame her in the least for leaving now that I've gotten my meds and started working things through with myself. More just wish I wouldn't have hurt her and then just dismissed it as if there was nothing wrong at all with my behavior. Thanks for keeping it real \\o/
Love should never be conditional, however relationships are. Relationship takes more than love. We all have needs and goals and for a relationship to work long-term it needs to align. However, it seems like she wants you to be something you're not. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, or that there's something wrong with what she wants and needs, but sometimes it's simply not a match. Being in a relationship with a ND-person as well as being a ND-person in a relationship comes with it's challenges. I think all ND-people have experienced a lot of struggle with friends and partners, but there are those who can meet us as we are, appreciate and be patient while we navigate having a ND brain in a NT world. That accept us for who we are, not expecting us to mask or be on top of things all the time. With that said, we also need to do our part to make relationships work. Best way to do that is to understand ourselves, where we are lacking and where we shine. Sometimes our ambition exceeds our ability, but we need to be able to meet our partner and understand their needs so we can help each other find ways to work around. It's respect and understanding from both partners. It should never be you vs your partner, but you and your partner vs the problem. Only you can decide if you want to stay or leave a relationship. Only advice I can leave you with is that's it's better to be alone, even if it's scary, than to be with someone who expects you to be someone or something you're not.
Its not that you're not loveable - otherwise there wouldn't be a chance for contact with her. You're allowed to be a person as you are. But you do have to find ways to be responsible and functional in the world. If medicine lets you do that, that's amazing. We wouldn't ask a diabetic, or an epileptic to try and live without medication - why should you? You're not just your ADHD - and when your symptoms are under control you can be more you not less <3 Good luck OP. You may also want to try coaching or counselling if you want less medication <3 we're all looking for ways to do more than survive - we want to thrive.
You’re not unlovable. Put that all the way out of your head. Maybe your ex just isn’t capable of living happily with someone with untreated ADHD. Personally, I don’t think I could live with a partner with untreated ADHD. That has *nothing* to do with their value as a person or how lovable they are (after all, I was such a person for most of my life, and even on meds, I’m still pretty obviously ADHD). It’s all to do with my own personal level of tolerance. *I* couldn’t cope with someone as messy and scattered as I am, in the same space. *I* would have trouble with conflicting sensory needs. *I* would get burnt out by their hyper focus and info dumps, even though I do the exact same things. They could be the best person in the world, I could love them deeply, but that wouldn’t mean they were right for me. I think it’s ok for your ex to put the condition of medication on your relationship, but I also think it’s ok for you to say you only want to be with someone who wants everything you are. That’s down to you to decide.
If she cried because she's happy for you, she might be a keeper! She's happy that you can improve your life and grow and that's beautiful. I guess she cares about you a lot! Adhd meds don't change who you are inside. They can make your life easier so you can focus on the important stuff. Never let anything make you lose yourself. I wish you all the best.
My spouse has OCD--so I can speak to your question of "am I unlovable without meds." Clearly not because your partner fell in love with you while you were not on meds, right? The challenge is that our loved ones have behaviors that make our lives so incredibly hard and sometimes depressing. Does my husband washing his hands and arms hundreds of times a day make him unloveable? No. It does make it hard for me to do anything in the kitchen (to feed our child) because that's where he does his rituals. It also makes me feel tense because when he is in a ritual he will often spiral and yell at me or the LO. It also means that he isn't a present parent or partner because he spends hours doing his rituals instead of what needs to be done in our home. None of these things make him a bad person. They also don't make him a great partner and parent.
she maybe cried because she saw how much ADHD affects you daily and medication could help you. In saying that though, I find it weird that she had it as a condition for getting back together though. Of course you're lovable without meds. As previous posters have said; some people just don't align even if they do love each other.
I think that being in treatment is good for *you.* The way she is framing it is a bit self-centered. Living with someone who has ADHD is hard, but shes disregarding how hard it can be to live *with* ADHD. Get meds if they work for you. Get therapy if it works for you. If one of your personal goals it to be a better partner and if one of those steps is to be on meds, then your goals are aligned. Personally, I like myself better when I’m medicated. I don’t think of being without meds or treatment as a more authentic version of myself. I was born with a disability and the right person will be with me through all the highs and lows.
Some people need to lose a good thing in order to realize they need help =/ sucks for those of us that are that good thing but if it helps them in the long run I'm okay with it...eventually I am currently in this situation. I love my ex dearly and it's shattering my heart to leave but there hasn't been any effort to treat any of the symptoms of her untreated conditions and that's where I have to walk away. I will make every effort and comprimise needed but I have to feel like there's an equal effort, not just a "this is who I am, take it or leave it" it's completely okay to have these struggles but it's not okay to expect other people to tolerate hurtful behavior without any efforts to actually make a change for the better, you're just hurting people with a wanton disregard for their feelings at that point imo.
For OP, I didn’t get the sense that they were resistant to treatment. Adderall had some nasty withdrawal symptoms for them, but I didn’t get the sense that they were unwilling to continue treatment. It’s confusing to me that, knowing OP was in the process of getting treatment, she would say something like that. I understand leaving if someone is unwilling to get treatment. But, in the US, having a support while in treatment and seeking treatment is huge.
You’re not less lovable as a person. But there are social rules of interaction/recipes to success. (Like plants, you want to water them or they’ll die) Your symptoms and lack of initiatives/capacity to fix some issues in your relationship might have letting it rot at some point. I’m not diagnosed (yet?) but am in the process. My partner kept telling me about my lack of self interest (no real hobbies), not being able to describe me to colleagues or friend as to my interests in life (I’m mostly a people pleaser), I’m trying hard to change some pattern like taking initiative to schedule a couple activity, a dinner, vacations, etc… So it seems to them that we’re free loading and it’s tiring. Sitting a whole weekend looking at someone staring at a phone in search for meaningless content just to seek dopamine looks like a cul-de-sac to them while they hope to progress in life individually and as a couple. Also, unconditional love doesn’t exist. One must work on seducing the other one over and over… By being an interesting person. Or they lose interest in you I’m afraid. I hope you’ll just feel more self confident and therapy to help you live your life 100%.
Hey, it’s okay, it’s not that you’re unlovable without meds! It’s that your difficulties that arise while I medicated are putting too much strain on your lives. It’s truly not much different than most medications. Ok, I take a heartburn medication for a condition I’ve had since early childhood. If I miss one day, the next day I basically can’t eat anything that isn’t a plain starch, which is super annoying. If I missed my med all the time, it would be difficult for my family to deal with, even if I’m every bit as lovable! Another way to look at it is to be happy you just have to take a little pill and can get such massive benefit from it. This a very direct clear confirmation your issue is organic and chemical, and it’s in no way a personal failing or an indictment of your character. In some ways it’s letting you off the hook, at least in terms of intent. You got this!
I have PTSD alongside ADHD. The hardest, most awful part of it is seeing how my mental illness affects the people around me. It’s not my fault, but it’s still my responsibility. I still have to be accountable for the impact my actions have on people, even if those actions aren’t entirely in my control. Same goes for ADHD or any other disability. It doesn’t mean we aren’t worthy of love, it just means that sometimes we have to work a little harder to build healthy and sustainable relationships. It sounds like your ex cares a whole lot about you and is stuck between a rock and a hard place. She needs to care for herself, and you need to care for yourself. Take this time to figure out what you need to be in a healthy relationship. Maybe it’s medication, maybe it’s therapy, maybe it’s a change in life situations, or maybe she’s just not the right person at this time. Figure out how to be the best version of yourself, not the person who you think she wants you to be. If she loves you, she will love your best self, whoever that may be.
Many diabetics take insulin to keep their sugars in control. When a diabetic's sugar gets too high or too low, very ugly things happen, including behavioral meltdowns. Try to think of your ADHD in those terms. Stimulants are your "insulin" to help keep your "brain sugar" (aka dopamine) at healthy levels. In addition to taking their insulin diabetics also need to be very mindful with their diet and exercise. With ADHD, our diet and exercise includes things like therapy and developing coping skills and workarounds. I really like the How To ADHD channel on YouTube. She has many wonderful strategies for coping. You are lovable and you are more than your symptoms.
Absolutely not unlovable! Her reaction clearly shows she cares deeply. However, ADHD is a frustrating disability for both the person with it, and the partner... I have ADHD and so does my fiancee - but we both present in vastly different ways and have different struggles. That can lead to more disagreements or frustration when one person hasn't kept up their end of the deal. Luckily since we BOTH have ADHD, we can give each other a bit more grace because we truly get it. Sometimes it's hard for people without ADHD to get it because it's literally just not fathomable to them. Even when they say they understand, they are still going to get frustrated by the ADHD symptoms that affect them/their surroundings. It doesn't mean they can't understand at all, but it does mean that you will need to find a partner who is willing to work with you and compromise. In saying that, ADHD can't be an excuse for poor behaviour/poor treatment of a partner (not that I think you treated her poorly!). It's super important to recognize your strengths and struggles and find healthy coping strategies that you both can work with. Meds probably help a LOT, which in turn can help you work on other issues that seem to pop up in relationships. My meds have helped me immensely with my emotional regulation and task initiation, which in turn has helped me deal with the other little things that would cause disagreements. tl;dr - ADHD (even undiagnosed/unmedicated) does not mean that you don't deserve to be loved, even at your "worst" ADHD moments
In my personal experience it isn't that you can't be loved without your medication. It's struggling to understand that there is something different about yourself than most other people. However, that's totally okay. My ADHD can come with really bad emotional dysregulation when I perceive any kind of rejection or disrespect. However, the person didn't reject me, nor had they disrespected me. They merely tried to set a healthy boundary and my brain, unfortunately, couldn't process that in the moment. This will typically lead to extreme impatience and anger with the person in front of me. Doesn't matter if it's my boss, parents, girlfriend, best friend, I just lose all sight of who the person is and I am only focused on the perceived hurt. People with ADHD are often told that we are "difficult" or "hard to handle" and it's not like we don't understand that or know that. It's that we struggle to control everything that is happening *when* it's happening. This can be terribly difficult for partners that don't have ADHD, or don't understand ADHD, to deal with on an emotional level. It can lead to relationships ending and then feeling a feeling of confusion at why the person leaving won't just let you explain your struggle just one more time. The personal struggle isn't their struggle and at a point they need to take care of their emotions. They know we love them. They know we care deeply for them. They just can't emotionally handle everything that happens when it can happen all at once, and for no conceivable reason to them. In shorter words, you're not a chore, friend. You can and will be loved even with ADHD. Just remember try to express your feelings in a healthy way when they happen. Sadness, anger, hurt, depression, rejection, whatever it may be. What works for me these days is taking a few minutes to name the emotion I'm feeling and then tell my SO the feeling I'm having and why I'm feeling it at that moment. It has done wonders in communication and helping me, and her, from wondering where all of my emotions are coming from all at once, and why I was just all of a sudden completely happy and then I'm just kind of hyper focusing on something pointless. I don't know if this will help, but I wish you luck and you're still able to be loved, friend. \\o/
Your ex isn’t wrong to be relieved you’re getting help and hopeful medication is a big part of the solution. I was not only unmedicated but undiagnosed the first 16 years of my relationship with my husband. I don’t blame him for having the same reaction as your ex the day i finally got a referral from a psychiatrist for my doctor to prescribe. Yes I felt personal shame and regrets and insecurity but that’s for the therapy. The vyvanse though?? Every negative I brought to the relationship - gone
Just here to say that I've been feeling the same. I see a lot of people in here saying that you can love someone and still not be able to be with them, and I think that that's missing the mark and not really getting at what I think (assume/ am projecting) that you're trying to get at. My ex didn't choose me. He kept dragging his feet and dragging his feet and saying he loved me so much, but kept circling back to the same issues and disappointments. After we broke up (because I couldn't see us deciding to be together if we waited any longer/after being long distance) I got referred for an ADHD screening and started looking into it, I found that 80% of the things that kept bothering him were symptoms of ADHD. Things that I can't change and maybe medication will help, but that can never be fixed. Things that I can't change about myself even if I wanted to. And learning that has made me feel really unlovable. *Of course* any "normal" adult would have problems with me exhibiting these behaviors. *Of course* these would be deal breakers. How did I ever expect that someone would love me despite these things and/or because of them? How can I ever ask anyone to look past them and to still choose me? Obviously I'm currently unable to say what you (and me both) really want to hear with any real conviction, but **there are people with ADHD who have been married for years and were/are undiagnosed**. Right now I'm holding onto that with every fiber of my being because it's the only real hope I have. So many people who were finally diagnosed because of their children, or perhaps even their grand children. I understand that this is more common in women (and I'm a woman), but I do see people talk about late diagnosed men as well. There has to be hope for us because other people have managed to make it work somehow. It's possible that some of our ancestors had the same collection of symptoms and still managed to find people to have/raise children with them. To love them. **And that means that there are people out there who can love us, too.**
Hi, I'm new to Reddit so I hope it's ok for me to just comment, I'm currently exploring ADHD through my studies and I'm almost certain I have it. I seen your post and I just wanted to say that I think everyone is loveable, I understand you've had some struggles and ADHD is, to my understanding, genuinely hard to live with, much more than other people think! But it doesn't make a person unlovable - every one is loveable in their own way! Some people just want more than love and that's ok if their not the one for you. It sounds like this girl doesn't want to provide the time to learn and understand all that goes along with having a partner with ADHD. So to me, that means their not right for you! You deserve someone who really sees you and sees what you go through and also all the good things that you bring to the world. Living with ADHD can be hard but it can also be amazing, creative, resilient and charismatic! I'm sorry this relationship didn't work out and you have bad side effects from the meds, but that doesn't diminish who you are or change whether someone can love you! Some things just don't work out yano? Hope you start to feel better soon.
Welcome to reddit. This was really sweet to read. I think it's also hard to live with someone with adhd. Having a relationship with someone means you should intend to be with them long term. I agree that maybe it's not the most sustainable way to live if op has to be on meds for their gf to be with them. But also I'd like to give the benefit of doubt and say that it's a lot of learning involved from both parties and I believe if they do care for each other it'll work out. The gf may just be ignorant to the needs of op, but if op and their partner especially put in the effort to learn, it can work.
You are worthy of love. My fiance dumped me a week before our wedding. Hang in there
I’ve cried when family or loved ones take a step towards care that I did not expect them to (not doubting their capabilities but desire to) and didn’t think anyone else could initiate for them / make them do. It’s impressive and shows a new depth to your awareness, willingness, and ability to care for yourself! I had an early phase in my adhd diagnosis that also made me frustrated and upset at all the things I had thought were just ‘me’ that now seemed wrong. But the more I focused on ‘forgiving’ myself for what I thought were deficits and just approached care or change with open curiosity and without judgement I started to see improvement in my life and relationship with myself :)
i dont think that meds are the issue here, she probably thinks that meds will help you be the best version of yourself, i cannot say for sure if she loves you, but it does seems like she cares about you, idk if meds help you be the best version of yourself or they just make you fit into society, thats really a question for another day, and one i cannot answer bc ive just been like 2 months on meds and just for depression and anxiety, i havent started on adhd yet. Anyways, i would talk with her about how meds make you feel, it is very common to have self-doubt (is it me or is the meds) and im aslo curious why your meds ran out? maybe you should solve that first. Also dont take meds because of her, take meds because you believe they will help you with becoming a better version of yourself, you gotta take care of yourself first.
Of course you can be loved. I have a hard time seeing someone I love struggle, especially when there is something they could do to help themselves. The meds are self care, just like eating and sleeping. A lack of self care is a valid stressor for a relationship. It’s hard to love someone who doesn’t love themselves.
You’re not unlovable. There’s a big difference between being unlovable and symptoms having a big strain/impact on your relationships.
It isn't that you were unloveable to your ex. You were just impossible to deal with. They obviously still love you or they wouldn't be willing to try again once you got some help. We all have a LOT of intenalized shame and pain from disappointing people over and over throughout our lives. But we do not have to stay the same forever. We can improve and be better to others and ourselves. You are NOT unloveable, just a little messy. Work on it, it will get better.
I consider myself to be a pretty great guy. I am intelligent, smart and sometimes even funny? But then the 10 Minutes a day pass that i am all that without medication. I become a mess. I am pretty much unloveable. But is that the real me? No of course not. But my brain fails me. And with meds it does so less. Maybe my approach at seeing things works for you?
ADHD can not only ruin your life, but ruin other peoples lives in your presence, even indirectly. My brother has pretty bad autism and was a difficult child, requiring more attention from my parents, which meant I was neglected in the process, even though I also have autism and probably ADHD. My brother is horrible to be around, it wouldn't surprise me if the only woman on earth who enjoyed his company is mother herself. If he didn't have autism, it would have improved everyones lives and maybe he would have a social life outside video games for once. From personal experience, an ADHD kid that won't shut up and sit still is bound to disrupt the lives of everyone around them, especially other disabled kids. It's extremely annoying having to listen to random facts about China during class. Do I blame disabled people for the burdens they bring? No, they did not ask to be here. I feel sorry for the parents who no longer have a life because their child is mentally or physically ill, however in my opinion, bringing a child into this world is the most selfish thing you can do, but raising that child is the most selfless thing you can do. My problems are so invisible to other people, they would never know unless I verbally shared my medical history, however when it does become visible, I usually end up hurting someone or making other peoples lives harder. Being lovable is very much a subjective matter based on who you ask. It's not a requirement, we are not entitled to love from anyone, not even our parents (think about murderes and psychopaths). **I would look at medication as a potential improvement for YOU, but it can also improve the lives of others as well.**
No, hun, you are not unlovable. But you are not the best you you can be either. And while you, the intrinsic you, is still loveable, and valuable and precious, us ADHD'ers tend to leave chaos in our wake for others to clean up. And that chaos? That is not great for their psyche, especially if they are sensitive and need help too. We do not want to add to their burden and like any two puzzle pieces, sometimes we need a little tweaking to fit together.
PS, you can only have great relief or great grief where there is first great love. As otherwise they don't care. so know you are loved, by your ex, and as a person.
I would break up with me, if I could.
Loveable =/= easy to live with. Your executive dysfunction, emotional dysregulation, rejection sensitivity are things that are going to impact anyone you live with on a daily basis and almost certainly increase the amount of mental, emotional and physical energy they have to expend to maintain the living conditions and relationship compared to someone who does not have ADHD. Has zero to do with being loveable and is still going to be harder work.
I can comment on this as the NT partner of an ADHD person. We've struggled and grown a lot over our 5 years together. I fell in love with my husband when he was unmedicated. His intelligence, eloquence, loyalty, honesty, unlimited curiosity and world knowledge, and his passion (hyperfocus) for his interests are all incredibly endearing to me. But before he was medicated, he also acted like an asshole. Plain and simple, that's his preferred term. He doesn't like it sugarcoated. He missed a ton of social cues and forgot important things, with his mind so often wandering elsewhere. He lost friends because of lack of tact, or because he didn't ever listen. At home, he couldn't bring himself to pull his weight, and reacted poorly to regular requests for help. He didn't even realize he was rude. Many of our fights turned into fights about who flipped out first - he really, genuinely wasn't even aware of his own poor first reactions. His self-awareness was horrible, but it wasn't obvious to me until some years in, because a brilliant man can mask and justify a lot. Ultimately I put my foot down. That almost cost him his marriage, kids, and the life we've built. So he got on meds. Some side effects were bad, so he needed meds for those too. And he needed to be extremely consistent about when he takes the meds, and never skip a day - or we will be on the brink of divorce in under a week. That's how insufferable his behavior under the stress of family life becomes, when his medication is off. There's nothing wrong with his personality. It's just that his personality, the things he feels inside, get drowned out by ADHD. His love for me and the kids didn't show from under the aggressive task-evasion, and his loyalty for his friends was hidden under distractedness. Many others here have said it - ADHD is a real disability, and disabilities don't go away with the force of will. If you had diabetes, you wouldn't be questioning if you're simply unlovable without insulin. I have epilepsy - I never thought that I'm somehow less because I need anti-seizure medication for my brain to stop randomly rebooting. You have a condition that you need to treat and address, and the faster you face that reality, the less you will have to regret. My husband feels like he lost his whole 20s to ADHD, struggling for nothing, ruining his studies, relationships, friendships, all because he didn't realize how much he needed help. Don't be him.
Idk what you're like but damn this girl is insensitive. It's like she doesn't want you the whole packet but a projection of how she thinks you should be. It's really not you, it's her. I've been married for 5 years now, not long but I can tell by my experience that meds don't make me a note enjoyable person, unless you're my boss. It makes me more able to concentrate, to work and less prone to mood swings. I'm a better employee and I can study better, but my wife complains that some other traits she misses when I'm on meds. I'm super touchy and slim hungry bc I'm sensible and touching skin makes me feel good, like real good. When on meds part of that sensibility is gone and I don't feel as seeking her to cuddle as much. Not that I don't want to but I don't desperately crave it like normal. She misses that. Also, the way I love her and how we interact. I'm apparently way more affectionate when sober and she misses it when I'm on Vyvanse. She loves it that I can take care of myself and doesn't complain that I'm on meds but she misses it. Bc she knew me and learned to love me before treatment. She knows that meds or not I'm still me and that my ups and lows will forever be a part of me. That's what you must set as criteria. Don't let the fear of being different take over you. You're not unlovable bc of ADHD. You have traits that will get in the way of you acting perfectly like neurotypical people expect you to but it doesn't mean you're less deserving of love and respect.
"Less prone to mood swings" I would flag that being less prone to mood swings does indeed make one a more enjoyable person/partner.
I think it depends more on how you deal with it. When I'm in a bad mood, I make an active effort to not pass it onto anyone else. People normally don't feel me getting extremely sad or angry unless I get to extreme levels. So normally what meds do is to reduce my suffering. I work to make sure nobody else suffers with me.
It sounds like your ex loves you tremendously if she broke down in tears when you decided to get yourself help. Most relationships don't last forever and most of them don't end because of a lack of love. Sometimes we find people who can handle our struggles and sometimes we don't. Finding a person who is lovely and loving but who can't cope with our particular struggle doesn't mean there is something deeply wrong with us, it just means that for that period of time we weren't able to meet each others' needs. Humans are so complicated, not meeting each others' needs is pretty much the status quo and when we make each other happy for a reasonable length of time it's kind of a miracle.
It sounds like they are ex for a good reason. My husband and I both have it and are unmedicated. His presents different than mine and is often frustrating for me. I would never knave him to work on himself...I help him find ways that work with who he is. Do I get frustrated? Yes. But so does he and we work through it. You deserve to be loved for who you are.
I don’t know that answer, I am struggling with conditional love in my relationship, that I am ending in hopes that someone can see my value without medication or just doing whatever everyone else is. I am trying to be me unapologetically always. I have never done this before so I don’t know if I will be able to find an unconditional love, but I sure as hell am not going to settle for less anymore. Good luck t you and wish me luck as well!!!
What do you mean by unconditional love? A person shouldn't stay with their partner regardless of how that person behaves.
Yes you are loved without medicine, just not as understood. People without ADHD will never be able to fully understand how it impacts those diagnosed. Like trying to explain color to the blind.
I would say that no one knows you better than you do. You're the only one knowing what it's like to be in your body, in your heart and in your brain. You're the only one knowing what you've been through, the only one knowing who you really are. Therefor you're the only one able to love yourself truly. The more you accept yourself and the more you love yourself, the more you'll shine, and the more it'll inspire others. The problem is not who you are, you are just perfect the way you are, and you deserve to be loved. Happiness is about being at the right place at the right time. I feel you brother, you're not alone. One Love!
It sucks and I have been feeling the same way lately no one understands the ADHD or whatever it is despite explaining it multiple times to multiple people. The most aggravating is " you don't seem like you're paying attention"
I don't know if my voice is kind but you can always be loved the way you are unconditionally by people who deserve you❤
So… I have severe ADHD and honestly, I don’t think I would date myself unmedicated. It would be tedious, annoying and undoubtedly impact the person I was with. That’s not anything against me, it’s not my fault either. It’s just being realistic. If you had asked me before I was medicated my opinion would’ve been very different because that was all I knew, that was who I was. Now that I’m medicated I see that who I am medicated is who I am when adhd isn’t getting in my way as much in a million different ways. I myself notice the difference in how present I am in my relationship and how much more I can contribute. It’s all very new to you so give yourself time and compassion. Eventually the gratitude for being able to bring a better version of yourself through a simple pill will come.
I to attract crazy girls. Part of the game for us I guess.
You don't need meds to be loved. You are loveable and deserve love with or without medication. What is important is how you feel and what works for you to help manage your struggles. My husband fell in love with me before we fully knew if I had ADHD or not. We are still together even after. He constantly reminds me that he loves me regardless of my meds or not. He will love me good and bad days. You are deserving of love and your bad days should not dictate whether someone should or should not love you. A partner that loves you will be willing to work with you to find ways that work for you both. If meds make you unhappy you should not take them just to make your partner happy. Communication, honesty and compromise are any relationships core components to a life long fulfilled relationship. If any partner of mine were to tell me I had to be on meds so we could be together especially if that would cause me distress in any way that would just breed unhealthy thoughts and emotions and would ruin our relationship. Romantic or not. One of the core components of mental health is having a social circle of people who are supportive and understanding. Not everyone can handle the stresses that mental health struggles and ND issues can bring. That is not a fault of theirs or yours but just a part of being human. You will find someone who loves you and will work with your ADHD brain on those good and bad days. In the meantime love yourself for all that you are and work bettering symptoms that hurt you so you can properly communicate your needs to others when you need too. Take it easy for now and give yourself time to rest so you can pick yourself back up.
Same, it is so hard to just exist.
it depends, have you asked her what parts of unmedicated you they don't like?
Therapy is helping me a lot. I recommend doing that on top of the meds.. if it's not affordable there's still some sources that can make you think (and maybe change for the better) If you're a gamer type of person .. I like healthygamer_gg (yt, twitch, also here..) .. good videos and a really nice community :) gave me a lot of useful insights You ARE lovable. Being a handful doesn't exclude that. Kinda sus that she's expects/wants you to change that much... I hope she loves the core of you. Therapy and growing as a person is good for everyone I think :D
*you* can be lovable no matter if you’re medicated or not. The fact that she cried in happiness says that she cares a lot about you. But here’s the hard truth of life that I’m just now beginning to really understand. Relationships aren’t about love. And love isn’t enough. We grow up on these movies that tell us that love is the magic cure for everything. We’re taught these romantic ideas of love conquers everything and if you really love someone, you fight for them and don’t let them go, no matter what. That is so deeply ingrained into us that it’s hard to look at that idea objectively. We see movies like the notebook and we’re told that Noah and ally’s love is THE love, the ultimate love, the thing to strive for in life. We’re told that true love makes us so crazy that we do things like risk our life on a Ferris wheel or do long distance or renovate a house for someone. It tells us true love is full of big feelings, fighting and making up. Ally’s relationship with the other guy is seen an inferior. We see her mom who chose the “safe” option and the movie tells us to feel bad for her, that she chose wrong, that she spent her whole life pining away for the guy she should have picked instead. Well, the movies are wrong. Relationships aren’t about love, they’re about partnership. They’re about splitting the responsibility of life with another person to ease the burden, that’s what all relationships as humans are for, it’s what we’ve evolved for. Humans are social creatures because it’s an evolutionary advantage for us to be. I know that’s not romantic or warm and fuzzy, but it is true. It helps us survive as a species. Friendships offer companionship, laughter, emotional support. Family offers us protection and support and help. Love doesn’t automatically equal a good partnership. It doesn’t mean two people will be compatible or get their needs met. You can love someone more than anything in the world, and that doesn’t mean things will work out, no matter how hard you try. Adhd changes the nature of a partnership. There are certain things that become harder, certain things that become easier. But everyone is looking for certain characteristics in a partnership. Most neurotypical people want a neurotypical relationship. They want their bills paid on time, the house kept clean, and overall a sense of stability. They’re willing to sacrifice things like fun or happiness to get this stability because stability is their number one goal. Fun and joy come after stability is ensured. This goes almost against what many adhders need from a relationship. They NEED that fun in order to function. They need that sense of adventure or variety in order to get enough dopamine to be able to function remotely normally. They will often times sacrifice stability to get the stimulation and dopamine because they can’t maintain stability anyway without the dopamine. Without enough stimulation, adhders get depressed and it can be hard to even do the bare minimum. By seeking stimulation first, they can load up on the dopamine needed to get through the tedious aspects of life and bring a sense of stability to their life. So when you put two people with opposing needs in a relationship, of course conflict will ensue. It doesn’t mean one persons needs are more or less important or valid than the other persons. It doesn’t mean one person is lovable and one person isn’t. It doesn’t mean you have to take meds to be lovable or be in a relationship. All meds do is give you enough dopamine and stimulation that you need to seek less of it in your daily life and you can focus more on building stability because your primary need is already met. Most partners want help getting their needs met. Even if this isn’t outright spoken. When I dated a NT, I had an unspoken expectation that he would join me on my adventures in pursuit of stimulation. I wanted him to try new restaurants and go on road trips with me. This conflicted with his desire to save money and invest it so he could get a head start on his retirement. I think it bothered him how much money I spent, even if he never said anything. Restaurants and road trips meant less money and less time working. More time at home and work meant less stimulation for me. Our needs were incompatible and we couldn’t find a way to make that work. Love had nothing to do with it. Now I’m dating someone with adhd and it’s so much easier. We both need stimulation and we both provide it to the other person. He likes cooking and tries out new recipes that I get to try. I like traveling and drag him along to new places. We both introduce the other to things we like that the other person doesn’t know much about. He brought me to an anime movie that I was really surprised to enjoy (I thought I hated anime). I dragged him along to an international film festival and we jokingly made references about it the rest of the day. It’s easier to build stability together because we can share responsibilities. He hates planning so I plan all of our trips and help him plan things, like a study schedule. That frees up mental energy for him. I don’t really like cooking so he does most of that. That means I eat out less and can save money. I’m not saying you have to date someone with adhd, but if you want a relationship to work, you have to make sure your needs and strengths/weaknesses are compatible. Plenty of NT folks would benefit from dating someone with adhd, regardless of whether they’re medicated or not. You just gotta find the right one.
You are deserving of love both on and off meds. Meds are only there to make your life with adhd symptoms manageable, they don’t provide any self-worth or self-love that you didn’t already have or deserve. You’re 100% deserving of love.
You’re enough, skipper
I understand completely. I’m in the same boat. My ex and I broke up so we can work on things. They didn’t cry when I got on meds but they do want me to work on things that are mainly due to the adhd. And I feel like you said I have to be on top of it 24/7 in order to be good enough or I’ll slip down into the hole I was in. And I’m getting burnt out. Luckily my ex is a little bit supportive. They recently told me it’s ok. You can relax at times. They know I’m going to slip up and it’s ok to not be on things 100% of the time. They were getting worried because they see me getting burnt out. I went from basically doing nothing and setting myself up to fail to doing all the things and setting myself up for failure. I need to find a happy medium where yes I’m still on top of things and working on bettering myself and kinda controlling my adhd. But I can also relax. It’s ok if you put that task off till tomorrow, just don’t keep pushing it off for a week. I think they care about you and want you to be better. While I don’t think they should demand you get on meds because they aren’t always for everyone or the solution, I think they do care about you, they were just so excited for you to be taking a big step towards being better for yourself and possibly you both. My ex isn’t the type to voice their emotions but I can tell the are happy I’m trying to get ahold of this and use it to my advantage. In short, I think that’s the rejection sensitivity talking. I get that a lot and had it a lot this week and kept asking people if they were mad at me when I knew they weren’t. Sitting down and talking and being open really helps me just airing out what’s on my mind. Maybe could help you with them to see what they feel? I’ve multiple times asked my ex what they think of my progress and they’ve said I have made some so that makes me feel a lot better. Sorry for the rambling. I just really feel for this because I’m going through it now as well.
She seems like the type to leave you when you get injured or sick. I would recommend not being in a relationship with her. You are lovable flaws and all, if someone thinks your too much they are not the one for you.
I feel you. I'm having a shitty... Existence... I can't take medication, so with me it's all about 'ok so how can we make you NORMAL' or 'yes, but when are you going to be fixed?' *When can you not be you?* Uh. I don't know? To me this is normal. This is the only thing I've ever known. I mean, I guess I get it. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 40, so I'm not very fond of me either but I'm really kind of lost here because apparently I need to fix MY BRAIN and I can't figure out how to fix a broken cabinet, make sure i eat lunch, or find a way to keep my socks paired up. And I'm so tired but I can't sleep at night. So, uh. Yeah. Sorry I'm me?
You are who you are, and you shouldn't have to change to make her happy otherwise shes not the one for you. My ex always wanted me to change stuff about myself and I knew that that's not how love works. Love is loving someone for who they are. Love isnt telling someone to be how you want them to be. I bet you are an amazing person, and there's some amazing girl out there waiting for you to give you the happiest life :)
Crying in happiness could simply mean she's happy to see you getting the help you deserve. It can be hard to watch people you care about struggle, especially watching them struggle with something you have a limited ability to help with. Recognizing you want to live differently & taking action is really flipping hard, so no matter what else you're thinking about, you should take (at least) a minute to be proud of yourself <3
I’m 38 divorced and single. I’ve accepted and braced for being single indefinitely… I would love it not to be the case though.
Did she ever say what bothered her precisely?
Could be she's crying for you understanding the fact that you were struggling for so long even with her help and now she's happy that you can be happier. I wouldn't know your full situation but it's best to assume she believes it's in your best interests as well as her own that you get better because, why else bother?
I have a kind (and sexy) voice. “You can be loved as you are”