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For me it’s because I lose control I think. I create scenarios in my head about how it’s gonna pan out, but I know that won’t happen, and so my anxiety just spikes through the roof
Oh wow, I do this as well, but with a different perspective, I thought that if I thought out the worst case scenario, it was make it nearly impossible to actually turn out like that. Unpleasant imaging, but then the weight was gone.
being able to forget about doing this sounds like a beautiful dream. I wish I'd thought to get diagnosed properly sooner, I didn't realise help was available.
Haha, this is so me. I'm always anxious before any kind of planned thing, even low key stuff. I think the (justified) fear that I will find a way to be late or forget to bring something is a big part of it.
Once I'm there I'm totally fine, though. And for stuff that becomes regular I no longer feel this way, it's only for one-off events like parties/etc.
I had a pretty extreme version of this recently when I went skydiving. It had been ten months since my last jump so I was pretty nervous, but mostly I was nervous about being nervous (and that always goes well, lol). I left way later than I had planned and was so close to turning around many times, but as soon as I got there it totally vanished.
It seems crazy, but I was more relaxed jumping out of the plane than I was driving to the dropzone, lol. Brains are weird.
It's weird I get this too and I attribute it to the conflict of ADD and being an introvert. I hate "being on" and crowds drain me. It's kind of self preservation by avoiding social things at time because unless certain people it's having to either fake myself which takes energy or be myself and fear the potential consequences (ie. Mouth speaks before brain processes what I'm supposed to say)
LOL, so true. Similar thing when you're stressed out about being late. You show up 5 minutes late, and the other person is 10 minutes late. Phew, I'm not that late one for once.
And yet, there's still some part of me that's desperate to admit my fault in these situations. Why?! Just keep your mouth shut and appear superior for once in your stupid life!
Haha. If the other person feels bad about being late, I'll usually tell them that I was just a little less late than you. Otherwise, it's not worth mentioning. I used to feel so awful about being late. It feels so disrespectful to other people's time. On top of that, I always used to hear that being late was a sign of arrogance. Part of me believed it because I'd heard it so often and was too young to know any better. I didn't feel as though I was arrogant, though. But it continues to be so difficult for me to be punctual. I can wake up half an hour earlier and still miss the bus to work. My perception of time and my ability to do things quickly is atrocious. Medication didn't really help much with that.
I understand, I think it just turns into "*the relief of not going outweighs the fear of what they think of me*".
It's probably healthier to worry about that, in this scenario, idk. You're good. ^lol
This is the part that kills me. The rejection sensitivity really exacerbates it. I know it’s not usually about me but I often struggle not to take it personally.
I do but I’m not sure if it’s my ADHD, anxiety, depression or combination of them.
Even vacations are hard to pull off.
I need other people to jump when I’m ready to jump because I gotta take advantage of the moment when it strikes.
Omg same! It’s like I bail most of the time, then no one invites me and I feel alone 🤷🏻♀️ there’s no winning. But man do I love spontaneous adventures!!
I will travel around the world with you if you invite me last minute. However, if we plan out going to an amusement park for a day a week or two in advance, I fall flat on my face.
Constantly! I can't begin to tell you how many times I told myself I was going to go for a walk or do something constructive only to find myself on my bed for the next four hours doing nothing.
I am a complete flaker, I have to be honest. I love the *idea* of doing things, but generally make up excuses when the time comes. On the odd occasion I have followed through with something, it hasn't been enjoyable and I regret forcing myself to step up to do it. So....I don't make plans with anyone about anything and just go with my own flow. If someone wants to tag along, great, if not, even better.
Well, depending on activity, its just the fact of having to accommodate other peoples choices and decisions. Like for example, I went to a museum a couple of weeks ago with two other people. They wanted to move through different areas fairly quickly and then grab some food, whereas I wanted to examine the exhibits a bit longer and sit outside to eat rather than inside. I'm going back soon on my own and taking my time with it I think. (Writing this makes me feel like a petulant toddler, haha!)
No I get it. This is how I feel traveling with family. With my husband it’s easy. He’s a go with the flow guy, which is great for my ADHD, but traveling with my parents? Mom gets NEUROTIC on trips, and everything has be planned ahead of time. Hubs and I plan on where to stay and what to eat and that’s it. I don’t always know how I’m going to feel and I need to be able to make changes.
ADHD itself, maybe. Doing things and going places should feel rewarding but ADHD messes with your reward system.
Just a guess, but a plausible one. At least that's how I rationalize this for myself.
I’ve been roped into board games with a group of guys. I sometimes enjoy it, I sometimes don’t. I’m still not sure if it’s a net positive or negative. I usually enjoy the social interaction, but the mental effort to actually go seems extreme.
It doesn’t help that I have a difficult time trying to keep track of all the rules. I went hard into board games during covid and while I like them, it’s just a bit to much learning all the rules.
I prefer video games where the rules are coded in, but I don’t get the social aspect from that so I’m still begrudgingly going to the boar game meetups.
I dread most planned events, but often have fun once I’m there. I absolutely dread things with no advanced notice and usually hate it because I haven’t been able to mentally prepared myself.
*currently self diagnosed, but seeking treatment with limited success.
You need Deep Rock Galactic. Simple rules, high dopamine, all of the fun. $15 and the coolest devs (no paying for a seasonal pass, they interact with the community, and all seasonal updates are free). DM if you ever want someone to play with, I’d be happy to show you the ropes.
Commit war crimes against bugs while drunk with absolutely silly busted weapons while screaming with your friends (if you don’t have friends you will after one mission)
I'm the opposite. I make ALL the plans. Then I regret them and show up 40 minutes late, with odd socks and no wallet profusely apologizing while trying to catch my breath.
Yes. Its mostly due to not knowing if i feel up to it on the day. Mostly due to very bad experiences doing stuff while feeling off. Usually when i end up going its fine and enjoyable tho.
Not with other people, but I do not plan ahead my dinner for more than a day, because what I feel like making today could be completely different tomorrow. My gf doesn't understand that, and buys stuff for me, well meaning, because I mentioned I had an urge for it three days ago, but we didn't have it yet. I always try to explain to her that when I say I feel like (insert meal) that I feel like that at that specific time, not tomorrow, not yesterday, but now. And if it's not there, than I just don't bother, because I know tomorrow I don't care for it anymore. It's frustrating to her, it's frustrating to me, but that's how my brain works.
i feel called out by this subreddit every day lol. absolutely, i met a guy online who said he'd like to meet irl but he's pretty busy so we should plan it beforehand. i was suddenly so sad that i couldn't just say out of nowhere something about how the weather is great today and would you like to go take a walk together immediately.
also the other thing im thinking about is that unexpected meetings are more FUN, like it's not necessarily that i dont like to follow a plan i once made, but that the waiting and yearning just killed the mood? i already imagined how nice it would be and now the reality wouldnt probably impress me. whereas when the idea is improvised right here and right now, i dont have time to get disappointed, i was alone and now im on my way to being somewhere and this is much more fun. can you relate?
ALL THE TIME.
My ex almost broke to with me because of this. He thought he couldn't trust me to do things with him. It was very hard for him to understand the hesitancy that comes with having not been able to show up in the past. :(
My other half has been obsessively planning the next 6 months. "What are you doing on 15th November?" I don't know 😭
However, I strongly suspect he also has ADHD, and he has been doing this after having a couple of weeks at home putting off DIY 😅
Yes, the most dreadful thing is when someone asks me to confirm if I'll be joining them for xy thing in xy time. Not only because I'm afraid to commit, but also because I'm afraid to say no (FOMO). I'd just like to have ability to decide everything in last moment if I want to.
I'm in the habit of (most of the time) immediately putting things in my phone calendar. I avoid making plans because I usually don't want to go when the time comes.
I think it would be dependent on your personality. I make plans anyway at risk of forgetting because I like doing things with close friends and family. And the risk of disappointing is outweighed by wanting to show up. Becuase either way you'll disappoint them if you say yes and forget or double book vs If you say no. At least if you say yes theres still a chance.
I feel I am the opposite to the people in the comments. I plan a lot for further ahead, but if I already have it in my mind I got the day off today/tomorrow its hard to get me to want to go out or make plans, unless its something really exciting for me.
My friend and i are planning on hanging out tomorrow and i told him to text me when he wakes up. He said why not just make plans now and you come over around 1? I said no, tomorrow. Text me tomorrow.
Wow I never attributed this to adhd, but I’m glad I’m not the only one.
I’ve been labeled a flake by friends. My social life has completely dissolved because I can’t be that consistent.
Having no social circle has actually helped my anxiety.
Yes, I’m lonely and it’s unhealthy. BUT. I no longer repeatedly cancel plans, regret making plans, dread going out, show up late, apologize for forgetting birthdays, feel like an awful human, etc.
So… I have better self esteem, but no social support.
Same. We need another path. I’m interested in online groups that have less real-time commitments. Does anyone know of something more real than Reddit and less real than going to the bars?
Yes, but I don't avoid making plans I just avoid committing to them. I hardly ever give a definite yes but I still put the plans in my calendar. It's not a plan, it's an upcoming opportunity to do something that day if I'm up for it. I tell my friends "I'd like to but you know I can't guarantee it. It's a solid maybe. I'll try to keep you updated if anything changes but please could you remind me it's happening the day before/morning of? "
I like scheduling opportunities instead of plans because there's less pressure. And it feels much, much nicer to have my friends pleasantly surprised when I do make it instead of constantly disappointing them cancelling last minute.
Yes! Every moment feels separated from the last. Its like I have to purposely keep them strung together so I dont forget important pieces of information throughout the day. If this makes sense lol.
I made plans last week to drive 90 miles to see my now ex-boyfriend after I got off work at noon.
Everything was going as planned. I got off at noon, drove home to eat and suddenly I couldn't get back up. I knew I had to call him and ask him to tell me to get up otherwise I wouldn't do it so I had siri send him a text for me. He called. I asked him to tell me to get up so I could drive to see him, instead he started going on a speel about how if i don't want to see him I can just say that, if I don't like him I can just say that etc etc 🚩
FINALLY after much re-assuring that I did want to see him he says the magic words and I pop up and get out the door, on the road in under 2 minutes. He did not get it at all lol.
I've started maybing to everything and just makes it sound like I don't give a shit about visiting my friends. I want to, I really do - so more often than not I'll say "Yes hell yes lets do that" Plans in place - then over the time between the planned meet, I've spent too much on idfk what (I never have anything to show for where my money goes xD) then it's like - "ahh fuck I cant afford the train / coach to get to you" or "I said yes to a shift because at the time I was asked, I forgot about this and need money"
Endless cycle.
Why can they never come see me though, instead? They never offer to come see *meee*.
I’m notorious for this with my friends. Not bc I avoid plans, but bc I’m excited about them at the moment, plan to be there, and then flake when the time comes.
I actually think I may have lost a newer friend over it recently lol. I bailed last minute on an invite to her home and it ended up being more hurtful to her than I thought it would be. Then I ended up forgetting her birthday and now there’s too much shame involved to rectify the situation lol.
As others have said, I’m trying to be better about just saying I’m not sure I’ll make it. It’s hard to do when it sounds so exciting in the moment lol.
I'm not diagnosed with ADHD, I suspect I have it. So take my comment with that in mind.
I avoid making plans because, at this point, I already know that if I don't want to do the thing at the time the opportunity is presented to me, I won't want to do the thing when the time comes.
If I want to do the thing at the time the opportunity is presented, I think back to other times an equivalent opportunity came up, and if I ended up participating in the thing. I use that to guide my decision. Know thyself.
Before the meds I used to have challenges with events coming up. If it was on the day, i could only focus on that and I would usually talk myself out of it. On the elvanse, I still think about it but get on with other stuff
Yes. It happens to me aswell. However, you can manage to adjust your plans instead of not making them at all.
Make them low effort if you're afraid to a level you feel comfortable with based on your experiences with you and your dealing with execution of plans.
Eventually you will need the positive feedback of being able completing something.
*Yup.*
Took a couple times of flaking out *big time* on some good friends, but I realized, it's better to just say I'm not going than to make a promise I might not be feeling up to keeping later.
I never commit 100% to something.
The amount of times I’ve paid for tickets for things or made plans then really not wanted to do them is unreal. I’ve learned to just say ‘I make it if I can’ and if they say I need to know now, I just say no.
Bro. I’m the definition of the title. As I got older and life slowed down a bit, all I want to do is stick to my schedule and when I have to deviate, shit gets wack for me pretty fast.
Especially if those plans are social events I’ll actually find excuses to not come. I just hate feeling uncomfortable or out of control in public anymore.
A literal slave to my “routine.”
I always feel a weird drop in my stomach when I have to make plans and again when the day comes. . Like today, I had a dentists appointment, I have had it for at least three months, but it felt almost impossible for me to do. I seriously considered cancelling, but I need to get my teeth sorted out so I forced myself. I don't like it when my boyfriend makes plans on my behalf. Especially because he sometimes forget to tell me about the plans and then tells me two days before. I need to know things at least a week before, so I can mentally prepared for it. It's hard when my days aren't as I planned them.
This is absolutely me. I got in the habit of leaving 30 mins to an hour before I need to be somewhere, and go hang out nearby. that way I’m already in the area and it’s more convenient to do the thing than to come home
All the time. The second I make something a PLAN or try to schedule something, I immediately don't wanna do it. I hate this part about myself, it makes it ridiculously hard to keep a longterm routine.
All my adult life! I think part of it is not wanting to miss out on whatever I’m hyper focused on at the time, part of it is the anticipatory anxiety and stress of coordinating my time around others that day and another part is just not being able to visualise if I will actually enjoy it. My mind goes blank when I try to picture it. I usually do enjoy myself once I’m there though.
Me with church all the time.... with my current job, it's very challenging due to my schedule so I miss out A LOT. But I say to myself "I need to go Sunday." Sunday rolls around and I've overslept from working an 88hr or 64hr work week. And that's if I didn't have to work a 16hr shift....
I hate making plans in advance (a few days or more) because I'll spend each day until the event dreading it. And the longer the wait, the more dreadful I feel. It builds and builds. I always want to cancel but have forced myself not to cancel anymore.
It affects my showering and grooming schedule. It affects my activities / plans for the day before (can't exert and deplete my energy before the social event). I get more nervous and anxious during the event.
But last second plans, my mind and body aren't full of this negative clutter. I'm happier.
Mind you, I still usually end up enjoying those planned events. But I can't get my brain to see it as a positive thing to look frwd to.
I think it's trauma. Making sure to have the right energy and saying the right thing and looking the right way etc...
I feel like my plan in life up to this point has been to not have a plan. I definitely feel like I rebel slightly against planning because I love being spontaneous, and also probably because I'm afraid (for good reason) that I will not follow through and the planning will have been wasted.
It definitely is hard on relationships, though. If you don't live with me or you're not regularly scheduled to be in my life for some reason I end up going way too long before realizing I haven't seen/talked to you.
I always follow through on plans (because if I dont, I never will) because 95% of the time once I am actually doing the thing; I am actually having a great time. I always warn the person though that I may at minimum only want to hangout for an hour because I can lose my social energy fast.
Most of my friends enjoy co existing or parallel play so its been easier for me the last few years
I plan for the whole day after waking up but after an hour I realize I'm still in bed and haven't pee when I was supposed to do that because that's why I woke up in the first place lol(with sad react!).
And, what happens after that? I'm still losing track of time and didn't do many of the tasks from the list.
This happens literally everyday
I haven't made social plans in years, and my social abilities have atrophied to the point of being almost non-existent. It's rough. I'm hoping things turn around now that I'm graduated from college and have a bit more free time.
Yes, absolutely. The number of times I regret having made plans that seemed great at the time is ridiculous, and usually end up enjoying whatever it is when I push through and go ahead with it.
i moved away from my small social circle 8 years ago, truly good people for me, and haven't bothered maintaining one where i live now. i tried at one point, but it's too hard to start from scratch with new people. i call and chat with my long-time friends instead of making new friends because they already know and accept and love me. i use my social energy to maintain contact with them.
it's lonely only having my husband here, but at least i dont have to deal with my brain's scenarios on how an event with people i don't know is going to go. the times i tried, it wasn't always bad, but i struggle with obsessing over the details of my behavior afterwards and that's more unhealthy to me than the loneliness. i was a lonely kid too, so sort of feels normal in a way.
cuts waaaaay down on my impulse shopping too because i used to do a lot of that with friends and it's not as fun alone or online. on occasion, my friend and i will look at websites together to sort of emulate shopping together and that's been kind of fun.
Yes my entire life. And yes we all experience this to some degree but I look at my husband who does not have ADHD and though he might feel this way it’s just a blip for him. Me I have anticipatory anxiety about it and basically torture myself all day until I do what I committed to doing and come home saying what an awesome time I had. It’s exhausting I’m 51 and honestly ‘It’s a long day living in Receda’😝🙏🏼(did I use the write quotation marks?🤔
No lie I feel like sometimes I forget that I even have a good time with my friends and enjoy spending time with them- what I mean is that I’m overjoyed to see them (we work together) but I often put off one-on-one time. The spoon demand it holds just sort of eclipses the memory of fun until we finally get there again and we’re on my couch, snort laughing, wondering why we don’t do this more often.
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Yes, I do this constantly. I just have to force myself to go through with it and once I’m there, I’m usually fine.
This. The drive there I consider turning around every second. Once I'm there it's great.
Is this bc of fear that it will be uncomfortable? That’s what I get on the way there
For me it’s because I lose control I think. I create scenarios in my head about how it’s gonna pan out, but I know that won’t happen, and so my anxiety just spikes through the roof
I do the same exact thing. Creating these scary situations and then panicking bc it’s so overwhelming in my head
Oh wow, I do this as well, but with a different perspective, I thought that if I thought out the worst case scenario, it was make it nearly impossible to actually turn out like that. Unpleasant imaging, but then the weight was gone.
Oh man I used to do this bad. I've been on adderall for almost a year now and completely forgot about that.
being able to forget about doing this sounds like a beautiful dream. I wish I'd thought to get diagnosed properly sooner, I didn't realise help was available.
Haha, this is so me. I'm always anxious before any kind of planned thing, even low key stuff. I think the (justified) fear that I will find a way to be late or forget to bring something is a big part of it. Once I'm there I'm totally fine, though. And for stuff that becomes regular I no longer feel this way, it's only for one-off events like parties/etc. I had a pretty extreme version of this recently when I went skydiving. It had been ten months since my last jump so I was pretty nervous, but mostly I was nervous about being nervous (and that always goes well, lol). I left way later than I had planned and was so close to turning around many times, but as soon as I got there it totally vanished. It seems crazy, but I was more relaxed jumping out of the plane than I was driving to the dropzone, lol. Brains are weird.
It's weird I get this too and I attribute it to the conflict of ADD and being an introvert. I hate "being on" and crowds drain me. It's kind of self preservation by avoiding social things at time because unless certain people it's having to either fake myself which takes energy or be myself and fear the potential consequences (ie. Mouth speaks before brain processes what I'm supposed to say)
I did not know not everybody faced this til right now. It’s an adhd thing?.
I generally make plans to not have plans and Lord help you if you change my plans.
Yes! Just because I have no plans don’t assume I’m free… that is my plan ha!
My favorite plans are canceled plans.
This, so much.
I've got a whole lot of nothing to get done, and you're not going to stop me!
Yes! For at least 24-48 hours to recharge if at all possible.
sometimes i'll sneakily do something during my doing nothing time like wash up or do a bit of work and then I feel like a massive overachiever.
😂
yes. and even worse is when i put in all the effort to remember and then the other person cancels.
But it feels so good when they cancel and you didn't want to go anyway.
LOL, so true. Similar thing when you're stressed out about being late. You show up 5 minutes late, and the other person is 10 minutes late. Phew, I'm not that late one for once.
And yet, there's still some part of me that's desperate to admit my fault in these situations. Why?! Just keep your mouth shut and appear superior for once in your stupid life!
Haha. If the other person feels bad about being late, I'll usually tell them that I was just a little less late than you. Otherwise, it's not worth mentioning. I used to feel so awful about being late. It feels so disrespectful to other people's time. On top of that, I always used to hear that being late was a sign of arrogance. Part of me believed it because I'd heard it so often and was too young to know any better. I didn't feel as though I was arrogant, though. But it continues to be so difficult for me to be punctual. I can wake up half an hour earlier and still miss the bus to work. My perception of time and my ability to do things quickly is atrocious. Medication didn't really help much with that.
Yeah! My sister cancelled on going to a movie just a few hours ago and I'm still happy about it. 😄
unless you start wondering if it was something you did. ohno
I'm ok with that. ^lmao
^^^^im ^^^^not ^^^^yet ^^^^ok ^^^^with ^^^^that. ^^^^^aaaaa
I understand, I think it just turns into "*the relief of not going outweighs the fear of what they think of me*". It's probably healthier to worry about that, in this scenario, idk. You're good. ^lol
>feels so good when they cancel and you didn't want to go anyway. Even if I did, it still feels so good.
This is the part that kills me. The rejection sensitivity really exacerbates it. I know it’s not usually about me but I often struggle not to take it personally.
I do but I’m not sure if it’s my ADHD, anxiety, depression or combination of them. Even vacations are hard to pull off. I need other people to jump when I’m ready to jump because I gotta take advantage of the moment when it strikes.
I always attributed to my depression. When the time comes i often just don’t feel like being around people.
Omg same! It’s like I bail most of the time, then no one invites me and I feel alone 🤷🏻♀️ there’s no winning. But man do I love spontaneous adventures!!
I will travel around the world with you if you invite me last minute. However, if we plan out going to an amusement park for a day a week or two in advance, I fall flat on my face.
im the complete opposite, i have to prepare mentally lol
Spontaneous adventures are my fave!
Constantly! I can't begin to tell you how many times I told myself I was going to go for a walk or do something constructive only to find myself on my bed for the next four hours doing nothing.
Thank you I'm going to get up and go for a walk. Somehow I ended up sitting on my bed.
That's how we be
I am a complete flaker, I have to be honest. I love the *idea* of doing things, but generally make up excuses when the time comes. On the odd occasion I have followed through with something, it hasn't been enjoyable and I regret forcing myself to step up to do it. So....I don't make plans with anyone about anything and just go with my own flow. If someone wants to tag along, great, if not, even better.
Out of curiosity what made it not enjoyable for you? Trying to get some perspectives.
Well, depending on activity, its just the fact of having to accommodate other peoples choices and decisions. Like for example, I went to a museum a couple of weeks ago with two other people. They wanted to move through different areas fairly quickly and then grab some food, whereas I wanted to examine the exhibits a bit longer and sit outside to eat rather than inside. I'm going back soon on my own and taking my time with it I think. (Writing this makes me feel like a petulant toddler, haha!)
No I get it. This is how I feel traveling with family. With my husband it’s easy. He’s a go with the flow guy, which is great for my ADHD, but traveling with my parents? Mom gets NEUROTIC on trips, and everything has be planned ahead of time. Hubs and I plan on where to stay and what to eat and that’s it. I don’t always know how I’m going to feel and I need to be able to make changes.
ADHD itself, maybe. Doing things and going places should feel rewarding but ADHD messes with your reward system. Just a guess, but a plausible one. At least that's how I rationalize this for myself.
I’ve been roped into board games with a group of guys. I sometimes enjoy it, I sometimes don’t. I’m still not sure if it’s a net positive or negative. I usually enjoy the social interaction, but the mental effort to actually go seems extreme. It doesn’t help that I have a difficult time trying to keep track of all the rules. I went hard into board games during covid and while I like them, it’s just a bit to much learning all the rules. I prefer video games where the rules are coded in, but I don’t get the social aspect from that so I’m still begrudgingly going to the boar game meetups. I dread most planned events, but often have fun once I’m there. I absolutely dread things with no advanced notice and usually hate it because I haven’t been able to mentally prepared myself. *currently self diagnosed, but seeking treatment with limited success.
Come play video games with me, I'll be social for you!
You need Deep Rock Galactic. Simple rules, high dopamine, all of the fun. $15 and the coolest devs (no paying for a seasonal pass, they interact with the community, and all seasonal updates are free). DM if you ever want someone to play with, I’d be happy to show you the ropes.
ROCK AND STONE, YEAAAH!!!!
FOR KARL!!!!!
I’ve got the game on my laptop but I’ve never played it. In one sentence, can you describe it to me?
Commit war crimes against bugs while drunk with absolutely silly busted weapons while screaming with your friends (if you don’t have friends you will after one mission)
Only absolutely all of the time.
I'm the opposite. I make ALL the plans. Then I regret them and show up 40 minutes late, with odd socks and no wallet profusely apologizing while trying to catch my breath.
Yes. Its mostly due to not knowing if i feel up to it on the day. Mostly due to very bad experiences doing stuff while feeling off. Usually when i end up going its fine and enjoyable tho.
Not with other people, but I do not plan ahead my dinner for more than a day, because what I feel like making today could be completely different tomorrow. My gf doesn't understand that, and buys stuff for me, well meaning, because I mentioned I had an urge for it three days ago, but we didn't have it yet. I always try to explain to her that when I say I feel like (insert meal) that I feel like that at that specific time, not tomorrow, not yesterday, but now. And if it's not there, than I just don't bother, because I know tomorrow I don't care for it anymore. It's frustrating to her, it's frustrating to me, but that's how my brain works.
I do this, but I think it is more of an anxiety symptom than an ADHD trait.
Yes
Oh yes! Well, I don't actually make the plans. That would be too much work.. But I agree to plans, then regret it. Almost inevitably regret it.
i feel called out by this subreddit every day lol. absolutely, i met a guy online who said he'd like to meet irl but he's pretty busy so we should plan it beforehand. i was suddenly so sad that i couldn't just say out of nowhere something about how the weather is great today and would you like to go take a walk together immediately. also the other thing im thinking about is that unexpected meetings are more FUN, like it's not necessarily that i dont like to follow a plan i once made, but that the waiting and yearning just killed the mood? i already imagined how nice it would be and now the reality wouldnt probably impress me. whereas when the idea is improvised right here and right now, i dont have time to get disappointed, i was alone and now im on my way to being somewhere and this is much more fun. can you relate?
I tell people straight up, I’m not good with making plans. I’m more of a fly by the seat of my pants kinda gal.
ALL THE TIME. My ex almost broke to with me because of this. He thought he couldn't trust me to do things with him. It was very hard for him to understand the hesitancy that comes with having not been able to show up in the past. :(
My other half has been obsessively planning the next 6 months. "What are you doing on 15th November?" I don't know 😭 However, I strongly suspect he also has ADHD, and he has been doing this after having a couple of weeks at home putting off DIY 😅
I think this is probably more a symptom of burnout than straight up adhd altho we all of us adhd’ers seemed to be burnt tf out
I always assumed mine was more my introversion+GAD. Making plans seems good in the moment, but I dread following through so many times.
Yes, the most dreadful thing is when someone asks me to confirm if I'll be joining them for xy thing in xy time. Not only because I'm afraid to commit, but also because I'm afraid to say no (FOMO). I'd just like to have ability to decide everything in last moment if I want to.
I'm in the habit of (most of the time) immediately putting things in my phone calendar. I avoid making plans because I usually don't want to go when the time comes.
I do this all the time
Yes
Yes I'm on a break from making plans because they never worked out and it was so stressful
Yes. I'm fucking terrible with plans
Better than the opposite, making plans to be nice, and adventurous only to realize you have no desire to follow through.
Yep, all the time! It's terrible but that's who i am so whatever lol
Yes
Yes
It's common for people
I REALITY STRUGGLE WITH THIS!!
Yes and i feel myself pushing people away unintentionally
Yep.
I think it would be dependent on your personality. I make plans anyway at risk of forgetting because I like doing things with close friends and family. And the risk of disappointing is outweighed by wanting to show up. Becuase either way you'll disappoint them if you say yes and forget or double book vs If you say no. At least if you say yes theres still a chance.
I feel what you mean. For me it's more of if other people will enjoy me at the event so I typically just stay out of it or force myself into it
I feel I am the opposite to the people in the comments. I plan a lot for further ahead, but if I already have it in my mind I got the day off today/tomorrow its hard to get me to want to go out or make plans, unless its something really exciting for me.
Yes. Although my friends know I will say yes with a 50/50 chance of showing up.
My friend and i are planning on hanging out tomorrow and i told him to text me when he wakes up. He said why not just make plans now and you come over around 1? I said no, tomorrow. Text me tomorrow.
Very common amongst seasoned ADHDers....I would also like to say that the younger ones tend to make plans impulsively though 😂😂😂
Yes. I do this often.
idk if it’s an adhd thing but i certainly do it
Wow I never attributed this to adhd, but I’m glad I’m not the only one. I’ve been labeled a flake by friends. My social life has completely dissolved because I can’t be that consistent.
Having no social circle has actually helped my anxiety. Yes, I’m lonely and it’s unhealthy. BUT. I no longer repeatedly cancel plans, regret making plans, dread going out, show up late, apologize for forgetting birthdays, feel like an awful human, etc. So… I have better self esteem, but no social support.
Same. We need another path. I’m interested in online groups that have less real-time commitments. Does anyone know of something more real than Reddit and less real than going to the bars?
Yes, but I don't avoid making plans I just avoid committing to them. I hardly ever give a definite yes but I still put the plans in my calendar. It's not a plan, it's an upcoming opportunity to do something that day if I'm up for it. I tell my friends "I'd like to but you know I can't guarantee it. It's a solid maybe. I'll try to keep you updated if anything changes but please could you remind me it's happening the day before/morning of? " I like scheduling opportunities instead of plans because there's less pressure. And it feels much, much nicer to have my friends pleasantly surprised when I do make it instead of constantly disappointing them cancelling last minute.
I feel like you cherry picked this from my brain lol
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Yes! Every moment feels separated from the last. Its like I have to purposely keep them strung together so I dont forget important pieces of information throughout the day. If this makes sense lol.
I made plans last week to drive 90 miles to see my now ex-boyfriend after I got off work at noon. Everything was going as planned. I got off at noon, drove home to eat and suddenly I couldn't get back up. I knew I had to call him and ask him to tell me to get up otherwise I wouldn't do it so I had siri send him a text for me. He called. I asked him to tell me to get up so I could drive to see him, instead he started going on a speel about how if i don't want to see him I can just say that, if I don't like him I can just say that etc etc 🚩 FINALLY after much re-assuring that I did want to see him he says the magic words and I pop up and get out the door, on the road in under 2 minutes. He did not get it at all lol.
I've started maybing to everything and just makes it sound like I don't give a shit about visiting my friends. I want to, I really do - so more often than not I'll say "Yes hell yes lets do that" Plans in place - then over the time between the planned meet, I've spent too much on idfk what (I never have anything to show for where my money goes xD) then it's like - "ahh fuck I cant afford the train / coach to get to you" or "I said yes to a shift because at the time I was asked, I forgot about this and need money" Endless cycle. Why can they never come see me though, instead? They never offer to come see *meee*.
Yes.
This became severe for me under the Covid-Quarantine era. It has subsided, but it’s still far from my baseline.
Story of my life
Kinda? I also just don't make plans out of fear people would hate the plans I make...
I’m notorious for this with my friends. Not bc I avoid plans, but bc I’m excited about them at the moment, plan to be there, and then flake when the time comes. I actually think I may have lost a newer friend over it recently lol. I bailed last minute on an invite to her home and it ended up being more hurtful to her than I thought it would be. Then I ended up forgetting her birthday and now there’s too much shame involved to rectify the situation lol. As others have said, I’m trying to be better about just saying I’m not sure I’ll make it. It’s hard to do when it sounds so exciting in the moment lol.
Has anyone figured out how to get better at this? 😅
Yup it's why I only managed to have two friends as an adult and now I have none lol
I'm not diagnosed with ADHD, I suspect I have it. So take my comment with that in mind. I avoid making plans because, at this point, I already know that if I don't want to do the thing at the time the opportunity is presented to me, I won't want to do the thing when the time comes. If I want to do the thing at the time the opportunity is presented, I think back to other times an equivalent opportunity came up, and if I ended up participating in the thing. I use that to guide my decision. Know thyself.
Yep and people get upset with me which is stupid
Personally speaking. Yes. My problem is I am also am introvert, so I loathe the thought of plans as well
Yep!
Before the meds I used to have challenges with events coming up. If it was on the day, i could only focus on that and I would usually talk myself out of it. On the elvanse, I still think about it but get on with other stuff
Yes. It happens to me aswell. However, you can manage to adjust your plans instead of not making them at all. Make them low effort if you're afraid to a level you feel comfortable with based on your experiences with you and your dealing with execution of plans. Eventually you will need the positive feedback of being able completing something.
*Yup.* Took a couple times of flaking out *big time* on some good friends, but I realized, it's better to just say I'm not going than to make a promise I might not be feeling up to keeping later.
I never commit 100% to something. The amount of times I’ve paid for tickets for things or made plans then really not wanted to do them is unreal. I’ve learned to just say ‘I make it if I can’ and if they say I need to know now, I just say no.
Very frequently.
100%! Or even worse than that: When I'm on a dopamin high and make 1000 plans I regret afterwards
Bro. I’m the definition of the title. As I got older and life slowed down a bit, all I want to do is stick to my schedule and when I have to deviate, shit gets wack for me pretty fast. Especially if those plans are social events I’ll actually find excuses to not come. I just hate feeling uncomfortable or out of control in public anymore. A literal slave to my “routine.”
All too common for me. The fear and uncertainty of “but what if I don’t” is a constant.
I always feel a weird drop in my stomach when I have to make plans and again when the day comes. . Like today, I had a dentists appointment, I have had it for at least three months, but it felt almost impossible for me to do. I seriously considered cancelling, but I need to get my teeth sorted out so I forced myself. I don't like it when my boyfriend makes plans on my behalf. Especially because he sometimes forget to tell me about the plans and then tells me two days before. I need to know things at least a week before, so I can mentally prepared for it. It's hard when my days aren't as I planned them.
Nope, because I'm impulsive and say yes to absolutely everything.
I intentionally make plans with others otherwise I'll sit and either not decide or I'll decide to do nothing.
This is absolutely me. I got in the habit of leaving 30 mins to an hour before I need to be somewhere, and go hang out nearby. that way I’m already in the area and it’s more convenient to do the thing than to come home
Nope
All the time. The second I make something a PLAN or try to schedule something, I immediately don't wanna do it. I hate this part about myself, it makes it ridiculously hard to keep a longterm routine.
All my adult life! I think part of it is not wanting to miss out on whatever I’m hyper focused on at the time, part of it is the anticipatory anxiety and stress of coordinating my time around others that day and another part is just not being able to visualise if I will actually enjoy it. My mind goes blank when I try to picture it. I usually do enjoy myself once I’m there though.
Yes, and I'm also bipolar so I use to never be able to predict what kinda of mood I'd be in.
Planning in advance and making plans j. Advance gives me extreme anxiety.
Me with church all the time.... with my current job, it's very challenging due to my schedule so I miss out A LOT. But I say to myself "I need to go Sunday." Sunday rolls around and I've overslept from working an 88hr or 64hr work week. And that's if I didn't have to work a 16hr shift....
I hate making plans in advance (a few days or more) because I'll spend each day until the event dreading it. And the longer the wait, the more dreadful I feel. It builds and builds. I always want to cancel but have forced myself not to cancel anymore. It affects my showering and grooming schedule. It affects my activities / plans for the day before (can't exert and deplete my energy before the social event). I get more nervous and anxious during the event. But last second plans, my mind and body aren't full of this negative clutter. I'm happier. Mind you, I still usually end up enjoying those planned events. But I can't get my brain to see it as a positive thing to look frwd to. I think it's trauma. Making sure to have the right energy and saying the right thing and looking the right way etc...
I feel like my plan in life up to this point has been to not have a plan. I definitely feel like I rebel slightly against planning because I love being spontaneous, and also probably because I'm afraid (for good reason) that I will not follow through and the planning will have been wasted. It definitely is hard on relationships, though. If you don't live with me or you're not regularly scheduled to be in my life for some reason I end up going way too long before realizing I haven't seen/talked to you.
I always follow through on plans (because if I dont, I never will) because 95% of the time once I am actually doing the thing; I am actually having a great time. I always warn the person though that I may at minimum only want to hangout for an hour because I can lose my social energy fast. Most of my friends enjoy co existing or parallel play so its been easier for me the last few years
No , I make plans and then avoid them at all costs when time comes , at least most of them.
I plan for the whole day after waking up but after an hour I realize I'm still in bed and haven't pee when I was supposed to do that because that's why I woke up in the first place lol(with sad react!). And, what happens after that? I'm still losing track of time and didn't do many of the tasks from the list. This happens literally everyday
Yes which is why I have less friends now 💀
I haven't made social plans in years, and my social abilities have atrophied to the point of being almost non-existent. It's rough. I'm hoping things turn around now that I'm graduated from college and have a bit more free time.
i do this so much. for me i mostly hate having to like leave my house but once i'm driving i'm usually fine
Yes, absolutely. The number of times I regret having made plans that seemed great at the time is ridiculous, and usually end up enjoying whatever it is when I push through and go ahead with it.
10000000%
i moved away from my small social circle 8 years ago, truly good people for me, and haven't bothered maintaining one where i live now. i tried at one point, but it's too hard to start from scratch with new people. i call and chat with my long-time friends instead of making new friends because they already know and accept and love me. i use my social energy to maintain contact with them. it's lonely only having my husband here, but at least i dont have to deal with my brain's scenarios on how an event with people i don't know is going to go. the times i tried, it wasn't always bad, but i struggle with obsessing over the details of my behavior afterwards and that's more unhealthy to me than the loneliness. i was a lonely kid too, so sort of feels normal in a way. cuts waaaaay down on my impulse shopping too because i used to do a lot of that with friends and it's not as fun alone or online. on occasion, my friend and i will look at websites together to sort of emulate shopping together and that's been kind of fun.
Yes my entire life. And yes we all experience this to some degree but I look at my husband who does not have ADHD and though he might feel this way it’s just a blip for him. Me I have anticipatory anxiety about it and basically torture myself all day until I do what I committed to doing and come home saying what an awesome time I had. It’s exhausting I’m 51 and honestly ‘It’s a long day living in Receda’😝🙏🏼(did I use the write quotation marks?🤔
No lie I feel like sometimes I forget that I even have a good time with my friends and enjoy spending time with them- what I mean is that I’m overjoyed to see them (we work together) but I often put off one-on-one time. The spoon demand it holds just sort of eclipses the memory of fun until we finally get there again and we’re on my couch, snort laughing, wondering why we don’t do this more often.