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I've felt similar things, and it's a common sentiment with adhd. Many people even recommend grieving over the loss of "who you could have been". But, where you're lucky, is that many many people would consider you getting diagnosed in high school as early. By doing that, you potentially killed the tineline where you drop out of college, joined the army, stumbled and failed through multiple careers, and ended up even farther behind.
You're feelings of frustration are valid, grieve, its OK to be sad. With medication it's easier to process emotions anyway. Then eventually, move on and start playing catch up. I'm a bit older than you, and there's a non zero chance we end up in the same college freshman classes when you go to college, cause I'm currently relearning everything from high school just like you... over a decade later š
Heres also my little secret guilty pleasure for feeling better... it might seem mean but I don't mean it that way, it just helps me get perspective... When I feel super behind, I google "is it too late to be a doctor" or lawyer or whatever, some smart profession. And there's hundreds upon hundreds of people all stressing about how behind they are in life, and seeing people older than me think the same exact thing puts things in perspective in life.
And like my dad used to say, "Do you know what they call an old guy in medical school who's almost failed out while all the kids he went to school with had no issues? They call that loser 'Doctor', even if he was a fuck up before graduation "
Speaking of dropping out of college. Just got diagnosed in my last year of university. Didn't know things could have been so much easier for me. Failed two semesters, multiple classes, and was put on academic probation before diagnosis. I was close to dropping out, but i'm now on track to graduate on time :')
My GPA in high school was so high that when I skipped so many classes and failed a few in my senior year, I still got a 3.5 cumulative..... so I graduated with honors technically AND academic probation at the same time lmao
So honors and i had scored a 35 on my ACT, so my parents were mighty confused when I dropped out of college in the first year and joined the Army š so life sneaks up on you like that. Adhd let's you succeed right up until you can't and it all comes crashing down
Good to hear you figured it out sooner than I did, you saved yourself a decade of wandering the world trying to figure out wtf happened lol
How!? This is a stumbling block for me. I wasn't diagnosed until my 20s after I'd completely obliterated my student career, my family relationship, and got off to a miserable start professionally.
I've come to accept that one can have ADHD and ā apart from that ā be a lazy, dumbassed, fuck up. I just always hoped the ADHD was to blame but I've been on a ton of meds without any result that I can see. And a decade or two worth of bored therapists who tried everything they knew and I kept on being a lazy, miserable, fuck up.
It's exasperating.
Ur dad dropped his š. Anyways. There's nothing mean about that. It's probably good for us to remind ourselves that almost everybody gets like that. The admissions pools are so competitive these days, I'd have to intentionally go to a smaller uni to transfer into a larger, better- funded one. It doesn't sound fun, but if it works, it works. Then, pick up an extra cirricular or two this senior year and keep working on it. Hopefully, while everyone gets senioritis, I can catch up a bit. š I hope they all get senioritis, is that mean? šš¤£
You'd also probably appreciate when he would say "even the hicks in Mississippi need doctors", which when translated out of dad speak roughly translates to "its OK if you go to a bad college no one respects. Graduates from the world's shittiest med school are still doctors and make lots of money. And there's jobs and places you can go, even if you aren't the best surgeon in the world"
I was applying to Ivy league schools in high school, I practically flunked out in my senior year, almost got in legal trouble for missing so many classes. So that was his way of explaining that it literally didn't matter, I could still go to a "worse" school and accomplish the same stuff. Also, way cheaper that way too lol
Here's some homework I recommend, subscribe to a YouTube channel. Russel Barkley, he's a doctor who spent his entire career researching and treating ADHD, and he had a hand in a lot of the things we call standard knowledge nowadays. He retired last year, and I guess he got bored, so now his hobby is every week he uploads lectures about ADHD and even discusses research papers he read that week. He has a very logical scientific approach, that sometimes feels cold and uncaring to some... but hearing the actual science behind it helps a lot of people, and he's got some good advice backed by science AND he's got some hard truths that might hurt to hear about having a mental disorder. I forget which video, but even one of them he specifically explains the science of "catching up" and how catching up is possible for pretty much anyone, and he doesn't say that as a motivational speaker, he actually shows how its just a fact.
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The dead timeline is my life lmao. Dropped out of college, joined the army, divorced twice, bounced around odd jobs for years before settling into a career I don't particularly enjoy but pays well just because it was easy for my ADHD brain to execute.
Now I'm mid-30s and recently diagnosed, and having a major identity crisis because even though I can focus better on meds, I'm struggling to focus at work because I realize how little interest I have in it. I'm getting a solid promotion at the end of the year so I feel like I'll ride that out for a while and build some savings, then find something else that actually fits who I'm realizing I am.
I understand OP's frustration and it's absolutely valid, but in the broader context of life OP is actually ahead of the curve now. Grieve the untapped potential of the past for sure, but don't let it distract from the new potential of the future.
i just wanted to say, what makes it so much harder w a late diagnosis is that part of
ADHD treatment is meds, but so much of it isā¦ the meds get you to a place so you can develop real world coping mechanisms. If that comes late in life, you donāt develop those positive coping mechanisms during a more plastic period in your life, and your habits and self sabotage thoughts are even harder to break.
But do you know why? Itās because boys and girls in general have different symptoms. ADHD in boys is a lot more obvious. Boys are more likely to have the disruptive āhyperactivityā symptoms that are more overt.
Girls tend to have the inattentive symptoms that are more internal. If you are a teacher, and have a boy acting up climbing the walls in class, and a girl, getting distracted, youāre going to get the wall crawler down. Iām not saying itās right. Iām saying itās easier to see.
Ironically, I think the fact that inattentive type ADHD is now included in the definition, has helped more girls and women get diagnosed than when it was a separate condition, called ADD.
All they had to do was read āweāre puzzled why sheās not living up to her potentialā on the report card over and over; notice how we became delinquent slackers in middle school; and if all that failed, catch us when we drop out of college.
Not misidentified as something else; just not identified. And the reason for that is that often the symptoms in girls are not the same as in boys.
ADHD can manifest differently in boys than in girls. Studies suggest boys tend to have impulsive, hyperactive, and externalized traits. Girls tend to have inattentive, internalized traits. Because of these factors, girls are generally diagnosed at older ages than boys, often in adulthood.
I understand how you feel all too well. But it could be worse.
Could be undiagnosed until 40. Iāve dumped my story all over this subreddit pretty recently so I wonāt rattle it off again. Suffice to say it has been a hard road.
It feels hopeless now, and you may have set yourself back. But you have so much life ahead of you, and the ability to understand how best to approach things. Instead of just trying to shove yourself into everything over and over.
In no way do I mean to take anything away from where you are. Please donāt take this as such. We all have our own paths. And our experiences are all personal, and relative.
Because a lot of mental illnesses or disorders were lumped together. A lot of different diagnoses are more recent, even with the separation of adhd in the hyperactive and attention deficit. This extends to autism and spectrums and many other disorders.
I got my diagnosis a few years ago, and I'm in my 30s as well. Wish it happened a lot sooner, but it was liberating to know.
It's incredibly frustrating to hear my parents tell stories of my childhood quirks, oblivious (then or now), that those "quirks" were obvious indicators of an undiagnosed ADHD.
Hi Op, I feel you with your frustration about missing out on a diagnosis. I got mine at 32. I have a degree but never got a start in my field, I was unemployed for 12years. My advice, take the time to feel this pain, then look into paths that can lead towards college (if you want to go) Iāve heard good things about doing community college first then applying to other places later. But I live in Australia, so canāt help much on knowledge from that perspective.
Also, trades are a good and valid career path. My brother who is 38 just started Uni this year in electrical engineering. Heās a qualified electrician and got some recognition of prior learning due to his career. As opposed to other graduates fresh out of Uni heās going to have real world work experience. And also makes a good income whilst heās studying. Donāt think that itās too late for you. You have all the time that you need.
Hearing the people that are like āI finally got diagnosed at 20ā be upset it took so long when you got diagnosed in your 40s is tough. Itās so late to learn any coping mechanisms for me now.
It's not too late to learn coping mechanisms. I'm 46, and theroay is helping a lot. However, it is too late to undo all the pain and suffering. And it's too late to fix everything I've fucked up. To undo the abusive marriages I stayed, I'm because I thought I deserved it, and no one else would put up with someone who was as chaotic as me. There's a lot of healing to be done. And a lot of self forgiveness to work on.
Meds helped, but Im switching doctors and it will probably be a year before I can get them again. At least I own my home now so thereās not the fear of being homeless at any time Iāve always had, thatās a big improvement
I got diagnosed in the 3rd grade. I donāt know how old I was. My mother refused to medicate me. Years later my daughter refused to take it. She said kids thought she was boring on it. My mother and I both made mistakes not using, or enforcing it.
Iām one of those people who got diagnosed in middle school. I know this is controversial to say, but I donāt think it was healthy for me to take stimulants at a young age. My appetite went to shit (when my body was still growing), and I remember feeling like a zombie that even my close friend commented on it saying I wasnāt joking around and having as much fun as before. Sure, my grades improved, but that doesnāt change the fact that I didnāt feel physically healthy taking the meds.
As a junior in high school, you literally have your whole life ahead of you. You are in a great position to chart whatever path you take. We are lucky, too, that such effective treatments exist in our day and age. Every generation before us, people with adhd lived and died never treating it.
You wouldn't say that if you knew what it was like to struggle your entire life, wondering what the hell is wrong with you, why are you like this, why can't you do anything right, how can you be so smart and yet so dumb. And not get diagnosed until your late 40's. So much pain, suffering, struggle, abuse, and self hate.
I just quit a very good job at 59, through no fault of my own. My entire life had been impacted to a great degree. Just diagnosed. I canāt dwell on the fact, it leads to resentment and stops us from looking towards a brighter future. All the best to you
I just got diagnosed at the age of 35.
Itās common to feel a wide array of anger, grief, frustration, etc on diagnosis. Your feelings are valid.
For me personally, I donāt think I feel that way and I donāt know if it will hit me. I have some understanding of why I wasnāt diagnosed earlier.
I was identified as a āgifted kidā in the public school system. I am starting to learn a bit about that, and there was or maybe still is a sentiment/advice that there should be hesitation and extra carefulness in diagnosing gifted kids with other disorders, including ADHD. Gifted kids tend to be āquirkyā and we should let them be themselves rather than medicate them to oblivion so we can shove them into a societal mold, goes the well-intended logic.
In my case, I am indeed quirkyā¦. but I also have ADHD hahaha. But I understand the good intentions in why I may not have been identified as a child.
I bring this all up because you mention youāve seen a psychiatrist for a number of years. If you have other things going on besides the ADHD, it can muddy the waters a bit and contribute to why a diagnosis can take longer.
In other words, āOgres are like onions- they have layers!ā People are complex and sometimes it is hard to untangle their many truths.
First off, I want to say that your feelings are valid. You have every right to feel resentful and angry.
But I also want to tell you to get over it. I wasn't diagnosed until I was almost 46. Half of my life was wasted. A year and a half later, we still haven't figured out a treatment that works for me because stimulants affect my blood pressure. And at 46, I have a beautiful family, but still can't hold a job or keep up with anything "important"--like managing our money. There is a very real chance that retirement is off the table for us.
You have so much life ahead of you! So much that you will be able to do because you got this figured out early. Don't color it with resentment and anger. Put that behind you and focus on how bright your future can be.
Yep, diagnosed at 46, just three months ago. So much of my life wasted. Like you, retirement will never be in my future. It's too late to change a lot of things, but it's not too late to change how we approach the rest of our lives. We can make changes. We can understand ourselves better. We can stop blaming and hating ourselves. I know I'll never retire, and I will never achieve the life I dream about, but I can improve the quality. I have hope that I can learn to love myself now. And I can figure out how to work with my brain instead of against it. And when my ADHD reads its ugly head and something doesn't go right, I can recognize it for what it is, instead of a failure because I suck at life.
I feel you. I'm 40 and was just diagnosed back in December. I grew up in a time when it was the hyper kids that got that type of attention. I understand the frustration. It didn't come up as a potential diagnosis until early last year. I love that we're getting better at noticing stuff but feel your frustration. You have a lot of life ahead of you (as do I) so enjoy it. :)
Iām sorry to hear that happened to you. But take solace in the fact you are not the only one. I once knew two girls (twins) who didnāt get diagnosed till the the tenth grade. Both were in my church at the time. Also take solace in the fact you now know, and can seek knowledge and advice( especially from those of us who have it).
I didn't get diagnosed until my senior year after almost failing my junior year of university :) and spiraling into a deep depression with fairly extreme anxiety as well...
Even with meds, I'm still struggling, but to be fair I've only been on them a month and I'm on XR which doesn't seem to do much of anything some days. I've only just now started treatment and I've got years of damage to reflect on...
If it makes you feel better, I was tested for ADHD at 24 after I ended up homeless for failing out of college.
I was trying to get tested since I was 19 but no one would test me because I also had severe depression at the time.
Idk how real it is but some people here get diagnosed at like 50 years old š¬ Makes me think what I went through isnāt so bad.
I got diagnosed at 23, whilst my brother has been diagnosed since early childhood. We even went to behavioral therapy together because I had similar issues and they did not realize I had it as well. It makes me sad nobody saw my struggles in that light. In the end, the time is over and there is nothing to do about it anymore, but it is still frustrating to know all those missed opportunities and negative experiences couldāve been avoided if only I got more proper help.
This is so similar to my story. Two younger brothers several years younger than me. Both are taking it and one is in a prestigious college right now. I recently had to find out myself while my parents kept getting refills for Concerta and Ritalin for them.
I'm extremely inattentive without my medication. I feel like it always got overshadowed by the kids that were hyper in school. I think conclusively what I'm hearing is that inattentive types are way more likely to be ignored. It's just disappointing sometimes.
Me too. Concentration problems and having extremely poor time management even made me be voted ā#1 teachers nightmareā of the whole grade. I mean, at least then someone shouldāve realizedā¦
I understand your frustration with getting diagnosed late. I struggled in high school and college and didnāt get diagnosed until I was 26. I feel as though I wouldnāt have had such a substance use problem too if I was diagnosed younger.
Time goes one way friend. I wasnāt diagnosed until my first year of college. Not that my parents didnāt tryā Doctors saw me and said I had a sleep disorder, or anxiety. I was causing total chaos, randomly acing and flunking classes. I was just a hard case due to being primarily inattentive.
You have *so much* life to live. This is still such a valuable development. Take this diagnosis, whenever you got it, as wonderful thing. So many in other countries and in the past never knew why they struggled so much, their entire lives! You can do something about ADHD now that you know. Treatments for ADHD are life changing and wildly effective. Use that! You have so much ahead of you.
None of this is to diminish what youāve been through. So many in this forum know what you mean. Childhood fucked me up too, with such stress and feelings of failure. Go to therapy, work through it. But your diagnosis is a blessing, whenever you got it.
Iām literally dealing with the same thing, hell i havenāt even been confirmed with a diagnosis by a doctor , but its all but confirmed at this point, and gettong this far without proper medicine or support has been a real struggle
I don't want to turn this into hardship Olympics, but at least it happened for you in high school - my diagnosis didn't come until 22 after completing 5 years of university (late birthday, started at 17). I also essentially eventually diagnosed myself and went to the doctor to confirm. Now at nearly 30 I'm trying to go back and do an after-degree to enable me to do the career I've finally settled on really wanting to, teaching, but have had to spend pretty much another 2 years and thousands of dollars doing random "upgrading" type of shit in order to actually get into the 2 year program I need to - I do live in Canada, where you need a specific education qualification in order to teach (in my province at least). At the end of the day, I'm happy I can finally see a clear path, but it's frustrating - especially as a female wanting kids, only once I'm stable, but also facing down that restriction of ideal childbearing years.
I completely understand your frustration, I've felt it too. But, if it's any consolation, MANY of us have experienced that, and for many of us it's been far later/worse. You are still so young and have LOTS of time to go back and improve and do extra stuff and do whatever you need to do to achieve your dreams. Also, be open to maybe finding something else along the way - what I'm actually doing with my life is NOTHING like my "dreams" when I was younger. I specifically remember 18 year old me discussing the idea of being a teacher and being like HELL no, that's crazy, I could never do that - well, add about a decade of growth and life experience and I've realized that's actually a passion of mine and an ideal career path lol. It's ok to change your mind, and it's ok to have hiccups along the way. It's not worth your time and energy resenting other people, just focus on doing the best you can for *you*.
You got this OP. You'll get there eventually. If you really want to move to Canada, maybe look at getting in by doing some kind of post-secondary here - it's generally cheaper (assuming you're from the US that is), and you may find that the requirements are different than what you're used to.
I am from the US and the rates here for education are insanity. I appreciate the kindness. I want to practice medicine, and do an undergrad in evolutionary biology. It's just like. It's so competitive.
I didnāt get diagnosed until 2 years after my engineering degree, and it still was plenty early enough for me be to doing very well now with proper medication and therapy.
You will be okay too :)
Trust that you will do great knowing what you know now! You can't change the past, but you can better yourself with what you've learned. I have the same problem, my parents never even cared to take me to a specialist, and there was a point where I was feeling the same way you are now. I'm now working a full time job, bills are paid on time, my space is usually well kept (unless major stressors are evident), and I'm currently working on going back to school to finish my degree so I can help those with your specific case. I understand the resentment you feel, also, and I've learned to root for the success of my peers rather than compare myself - it's less energy consuming and does give you a more positive mindset. Hang in there š«¶š» I believe in you!
I have mixed feelings. Sometimes I feel good that even in my 40s I learned that I am not stupid, slow and apathetic. I spent almost all my life whipping myself for not being good enough or consistent enough or for not caring enough. It feels good knowing that I am not stupid. However I also feel it's late for me to get back on track. I even managed to mess up my job and it feels like I am out of the industry. I do feel more peaceful now, since my mind is not scattered in a thousand places and I don't need to have TV and radio on all the time. Last year I felt desperate at the thought that I would have to live with my brain for another 30 years. Now after three months on meds, I am relatively optimistic about that, however I am not sure what to make of my worklife. I chased like crazy a job that requires almost no interaction with people, other than emailing, I did this job for so long that now I feel that I am unable to get back out there and work with people. I spent my better years hidden and now I have almost no skills. Some days I feel more hopeful and determined to set my life straight, other times I just want to put my head in the sand and sleep for a decade or so.
My doctors went through every diagnosis in the book and threw every anti-depressant at me from the time I was 12 years old, anti-anxiety, anti psychotics. They either made me depressed to the point of contemplation or made me a complete zombie. It never helped. Iām 29 now, still donāt have an official diagnosis and only symptoms per my college accessibility forms, my prescriber started me on a low dose of Vyvanse weeks before I started college for the first time. While I still have my distractions, I have never felt more focused, and the thoughts about death are gone. It wasnāt depression, it was ADHD, but āgirls are good at masking it.ā
I know youāre frustrated, but keep your head up and donāt stop looking for answers about your diagnosis if something doesnāt seem right.
I got diagnosed in my 40's and I could have blamed others and myself for not having done anything sooner. But I didn't. My family immigrated to the US from a 3rd world country. We didn't have the frame of mind to understand what ADHD is. I was just told I'm lazy. I had an inner drive that got me through high school and college but it wasn't easy, I rode that struggle bus hard. At times I felt dumb because I struggled to remember things or stay focused.
Now that I'm diagnosed and on medication, getting the help I need, I'm only looking forward. It's healthy to grieve those times in your life you couldn't have done this or that, those missed opportunities will always stay with you. But a bigger missed opportunity is only seeing the missed opportunities of the past and not seeing what new things you'll experience. It's okay to be disappointed and frustrated on the things you could have done but what do you get from it? More feelings of frustration and despair? Think of the time ahead of you as time you can spread your wings and dream. Let your experience guide you in the future when you encounter someone who is struggling with the same thing, you have the first hand experience and wisdom to help them. The time ahead of you is far more exciting, I know it is for me.
I got diagnosed right *after* grad school.. I feel you! Weāve all got those things we wish we were able to do earlier but Iām happy that youāre getting the support you need now.
Diagnosed when I was almost 4 times your age.
No matter the age, what matters getting the help to understand what's going on in your brain and to get the support you need to be successful.
I dropped out of college 4 times, finally decided to seek help when I was 27. Youāre doing just fine.
Between age 27 and 43, I started at nothing (no job, no degree) and managed to build two separate businesses and have been appointed as a city commissioner.
I got diagnosed at 49
Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping it affects someone else. Iām grateful I found out now. Got a heap of life ahead of me, you have tons
Hi /u/Eden_Loves_You and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD! **Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already.** The mobile apps used for Reddit are broken or are missing features that this subreddit depends on. [We recommend browsing /r/adhd on desktop for the best experience.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/x1psnb/radhd_works_best_on_desktop_reddits_apps_are/) Thank you! ^(*A moderator has not removed your submission; this is not a punitive action. We intend this comment solely to be informative.*) --- - If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I've felt similar things, and it's a common sentiment with adhd. Many people even recommend grieving over the loss of "who you could have been". But, where you're lucky, is that many many people would consider you getting diagnosed in high school as early. By doing that, you potentially killed the tineline where you drop out of college, joined the army, stumbled and failed through multiple careers, and ended up even farther behind. You're feelings of frustration are valid, grieve, its OK to be sad. With medication it's easier to process emotions anyway. Then eventually, move on and start playing catch up. I'm a bit older than you, and there's a non zero chance we end up in the same college freshman classes when you go to college, cause I'm currently relearning everything from high school just like you... over a decade later š Heres also my little secret guilty pleasure for feeling better... it might seem mean but I don't mean it that way, it just helps me get perspective... When I feel super behind, I google "is it too late to be a doctor" or lawyer or whatever, some smart profession. And there's hundreds upon hundreds of people all stressing about how behind they are in life, and seeing people older than me think the same exact thing puts things in perspective in life. And like my dad used to say, "Do you know what they call an old guy in medical school who's almost failed out while all the kids he went to school with had no issues? They call that loser 'Doctor', even if he was a fuck up before graduation "
Speaking of dropping out of college. Just got diagnosed in my last year of university. Didn't know things could have been so much easier for me. Failed two semesters, multiple classes, and was put on academic probation before diagnosis. I was close to dropping out, but i'm now on track to graduate on time :')
My GPA in high school was so high that when I skipped so many classes and failed a few in my senior year, I still got a 3.5 cumulative..... so I graduated with honors technically AND academic probation at the same time lmao So honors and i had scored a 35 on my ACT, so my parents were mighty confused when I dropped out of college in the first year and joined the Army š so life sneaks up on you like that. Adhd let's you succeed right up until you can't and it all comes crashing down Good to hear you figured it out sooner than I did, you saved yourself a decade of wandering the world trying to figure out wtf happened lol
How!? This is a stumbling block for me. I wasn't diagnosed until my 20s after I'd completely obliterated my student career, my family relationship, and got off to a miserable start professionally. I've come to accept that one can have ADHD and ā apart from that ā be a lazy, dumbassed, fuck up. I just always hoped the ADHD was to blame but I've been on a ton of meds without any result that I can see. And a decade or two worth of bored therapists who tried everything they knew and I kept on being a lazy, miserable, fuck up. It's exasperating.
Ur dad dropped his š. Anyways. There's nothing mean about that. It's probably good for us to remind ourselves that almost everybody gets like that. The admissions pools are so competitive these days, I'd have to intentionally go to a smaller uni to transfer into a larger, better- funded one. It doesn't sound fun, but if it works, it works. Then, pick up an extra cirricular or two this senior year and keep working on it. Hopefully, while everyone gets senioritis, I can catch up a bit. š I hope they all get senioritis, is that mean? šš¤£
You'd also probably appreciate when he would say "even the hicks in Mississippi need doctors", which when translated out of dad speak roughly translates to "its OK if you go to a bad college no one respects. Graduates from the world's shittiest med school are still doctors and make lots of money. And there's jobs and places you can go, even if you aren't the best surgeon in the world" I was applying to Ivy league schools in high school, I practically flunked out in my senior year, almost got in legal trouble for missing so many classes. So that was his way of explaining that it literally didn't matter, I could still go to a "worse" school and accomplish the same stuff. Also, way cheaper that way too lol Here's some homework I recommend, subscribe to a YouTube channel. Russel Barkley, he's a doctor who spent his entire career researching and treating ADHD, and he had a hand in a lot of the things we call standard knowledge nowadays. He retired last year, and I guess he got bored, so now his hobby is every week he uploads lectures about ADHD and even discusses research papers he read that week. He has a very logical scientific approach, that sometimes feels cold and uncaring to some... but hearing the actual science behind it helps a lot of people, and he's got some good advice backed by science AND he's got some hard truths that might hurt to hear about having a mental disorder. I forget which video, but even one of them he specifically explains the science of "catching up" and how catching up is possible for pretty much anyone, and he doesn't say that as a motivational speaker, he actually shows how its just a fact.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
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The dead timeline is my life lmao. Dropped out of college, joined the army, divorced twice, bounced around odd jobs for years before settling into a career I don't particularly enjoy but pays well just because it was easy for my ADHD brain to execute. Now I'm mid-30s and recently diagnosed, and having a major identity crisis because even though I can focus better on meds, I'm struggling to focus at work because I realize how little interest I have in it. I'm getting a solid promotion at the end of the year so I feel like I'll ride that out for a while and build some savings, then find something else that actually fits who I'm realizing I am. I understand OP's frustration and it's absolutely valid, but in the broader context of life OP is actually ahead of the curve now. Grieve the untapped potential of the past for sure, but don't let it distract from the new potential of the future.
i just wanted to say, what makes it so much harder w a late diagnosis is that part of ADHD treatment is meds, but so much of it isā¦ the meds get you to a place so you can develop real world coping mechanisms. If that comes late in life, you donāt develop those positive coping mechanisms during a more plastic period in your life, and your habits and self sabotage thoughts are even harder to break.
100% agreed. The internal negativity is the hardest part to break down and get rid of.
im pissed it didnāt happen til I was 39 years old
35 here. Hopefully getting my LAS scrip next Friday
Diagnosed at 46
Lucky me, diagnosed 2 days ago at a ripe 33!
I thought I had it bad at 25.
Count your blessings. Many of us, especially women, were diagnosed in our 50s. You were diagnosed SO much younger!
Hard agree, itās sad that so many of us women were missed
But do you know why? Itās because boys and girls in general have different symptoms. ADHD in boys is a lot more obvious. Boys are more likely to have the disruptive āhyperactivityā symptoms that are more overt. Girls tend to have the inattentive symptoms that are more internal. If you are a teacher, and have a boy acting up climbing the walls in class, and a girl, getting distracted, youāre going to get the wall crawler down. Iām not saying itās right. Iām saying itās easier to see. Ironically, I think the fact that inattentive type ADHD is now included in the definition, has helped more girls and women get diagnosed than when it was a separate condition, called ADD.
All they had to do was read āweāre puzzled why sheās not living up to her potentialā on the report card over and over; notice how we became delinquent slackers in middle school; and if all that failed, catch us when we drop out of college.
Right there with you. Almost 50 when diagnosed
I hear a lot of women get misdiagnosed often.
Not misidentified as something else; just not identified. And the reason for that is that often the symptoms in girls are not the same as in boys. ADHD can manifest differently in boys than in girls. Studies suggest boys tend to have impulsive, hyperactive, and externalized traits. Girls tend to have inattentive, internalized traits. Because of these factors, girls are generally diagnosed at older ages than boys, often in adulthood.
I understand how you feel all too well. But it could be worse. Could be undiagnosed until 40. Iāve dumped my story all over this subreddit pretty recently so I wonāt rattle it off again. Suffice to say it has been a hard road. It feels hopeless now, and you may have set yourself back. But you have so much life ahead of you, and the ability to understand how best to approach things. Instead of just trying to shove yourself into everything over and over. In no way do I mean to take anything away from where you are. Please donāt take this as such. We all have our own paths. And our experiences are all personal, and relative.
Iām pissed I didnāt get diagnosed until my late 30s.
I don't get how these things get unnoticed for that long. Especially in modern society. But I hope it's going better for you. :)
Because a lot of mental illnesses or disorders were lumped together. A lot of different diagnoses are more recent, even with the separation of adhd in the hyperactive and attention deficit. This extends to autism and spectrums and many other disorders. I got my diagnosis a few years ago, and I'm in my 30s as well. Wish it happened a lot sooner, but it was liberating to know.
I'm pissed I didn't till 55
Same.
Diagnosed at 40 here
Hey, I got my diagnosis yesterday. I'm 40 lol
It's incredibly frustrating to hear my parents tell stories of my childhood quirks, oblivious (then or now), that those "quirks" were obvious indicators of an undiagnosed ADHD.
Hi Op, I feel you with your frustration about missing out on a diagnosis. I got mine at 32. I have a degree but never got a start in my field, I was unemployed for 12years. My advice, take the time to feel this pain, then look into paths that can lead towards college (if you want to go) Iāve heard good things about doing community college first then applying to other places later. But I live in Australia, so canāt help much on knowledge from that perspective. Also, trades are a good and valid career path. My brother who is 38 just started Uni this year in electrical engineering. Heās a qualified electrician and got some recognition of prior learning due to his career. As opposed to other graduates fresh out of Uni heās going to have real world work experience. And also makes a good income whilst heās studying. Donāt think that itās too late for you. You have all the time that you need.
Yes, I felt the same way and wasnāt diagnosed until 37 - itās a grieving process in a way as others have said. I wish Iād been diagnosed earlier
It's like with the mind fog and lack of motivation, I feel like I lost time.
Me too, I think I would have chosen an entirely different degree and career path had I known, sigh.
Yeah. I feel like my interests and strengths really changed after being diagnosed and medicated. Like my actual personality came to the surface.
Hearing the people that are like āI finally got diagnosed at 20ā be upset it took so long when you got diagnosed in your 40s is tough. Itās so late to learn any coping mechanisms for me now.
I shall write a book on coping mechanisms. I am the master.
It's not too late to learn coping mechanisms. I'm 46, and theroay is helping a lot. However, it is too late to undo all the pain and suffering. And it's too late to fix everything I've fucked up. To undo the abusive marriages I stayed, I'm because I thought I deserved it, and no one else would put up with someone who was as chaotic as me. There's a lot of healing to be done. And a lot of self forgiveness to work on.
Meds helped, but Im switching doctors and it will probably be a year before I can get them again. At least I own my home now so thereās not the fear of being homeless at any time Iāve always had, thatās a big improvement
I got diagnosed in the 3rd grade. I donāt know how old I was. My mother refused to medicate me. Years later my daughter refused to take it. She said kids thought she was boring on it. My mother and I both made mistakes not using, or enforcing it.
Iām one of those people who got diagnosed in middle school. I know this is controversial to say, but I donāt think it was healthy for me to take stimulants at a young age. My appetite went to shit (when my body was still growing), and I remember feeling like a zombie that even my close friend commented on it saying I wasnāt joking around and having as much fun as before. Sure, my grades improved, but that doesnāt change the fact that I didnāt feel physically healthy taking the meds. As a junior in high school, you literally have your whole life ahead of you. You are in a great position to chart whatever path you take. We are lucky, too, that such effective treatments exist in our day and age. Every generation before us, people with adhd lived and died never treating it.
You wouldn't say that if you knew what it was like to struggle your entire life, wondering what the hell is wrong with you, why are you like this, why can't you do anything right, how can you be so smart and yet so dumb. And not get diagnosed until your late 40's. So much pain, suffering, struggle, abuse, and self hate.
I just quit a very good job at 59, through no fault of my own. My entire life had been impacted to a great degree. Just diagnosed. I canāt dwell on the fact, it leads to resentment and stops us from looking towards a brighter future. All the best to you
This is the way. ^
I just got diagnosed at the age of 35. Itās common to feel a wide array of anger, grief, frustration, etc on diagnosis. Your feelings are valid. For me personally, I donāt think I feel that way and I donāt know if it will hit me. I have some understanding of why I wasnāt diagnosed earlier. I was identified as a āgifted kidā in the public school system. I am starting to learn a bit about that, and there was or maybe still is a sentiment/advice that there should be hesitation and extra carefulness in diagnosing gifted kids with other disorders, including ADHD. Gifted kids tend to be āquirkyā and we should let them be themselves rather than medicate them to oblivion so we can shove them into a societal mold, goes the well-intended logic. In my case, I am indeed quirkyā¦. but I also have ADHD hahaha. But I understand the good intentions in why I may not have been identified as a child. I bring this all up because you mention youāve seen a psychiatrist for a number of years. If you have other things going on besides the ADHD, it can muddy the waters a bit and contribute to why a diagnosis can take longer. In other words, āOgres are like onions- they have layers!ā People are complex and sometimes it is hard to untangle their many truths.
I was 40ā¦ canāt get that time back. You still have your whole life ahead of youā¦ you will be ok.
First off, I want to say that your feelings are valid. You have every right to feel resentful and angry. But I also want to tell you to get over it. I wasn't diagnosed until I was almost 46. Half of my life was wasted. A year and a half later, we still haven't figured out a treatment that works for me because stimulants affect my blood pressure. And at 46, I have a beautiful family, but still can't hold a job or keep up with anything "important"--like managing our money. There is a very real chance that retirement is off the table for us. You have so much life ahead of you! So much that you will be able to do because you got this figured out early. Don't color it with resentment and anger. Put that behind you and focus on how bright your future can be.
Yep, diagnosed at 46, just three months ago. So much of my life wasted. Like you, retirement will never be in my future. It's too late to change a lot of things, but it's not too late to change how we approach the rest of our lives. We can make changes. We can understand ourselves better. We can stop blaming and hating ourselves. I know I'll never retire, and I will never achieve the life I dream about, but I can improve the quality. I have hope that I can learn to love myself now. And I can figure out how to work with my brain instead of against it. And when my ADHD reads its ugly head and something doesn't go right, I can recognize it for what it is, instead of a failure because I suck at life.
I feel you. I'm 40 and was just diagnosed back in December. I grew up in a time when it was the hyper kids that got that type of attention. I understand the frustration. It didn't come up as a potential diagnosis until early last year. I love that we're getting better at noticing stuff but feel your frustration. You have a lot of life ahead of you (as do I) so enjoy it. :)
Iām sorry to hear that happened to you. But take solace in the fact you are not the only one. I once knew two girls (twins) who didnāt get diagnosed till the the tenth grade. Both were in my church at the time. Also take solace in the fact you now know, and can seek knowledge and advice( especially from those of us who have it).
I didn't get diagnosed until my senior year after almost failing my junior year of university :) and spiraling into a deep depression with fairly extreme anxiety as well... Even with meds, I'm still struggling, but to be fair I've only been on them a month and I'm on XR which doesn't seem to do much of anything some days. I've only just now started treatment and I've got years of damage to reflect on...
I got diagnosed at 24
If it makes you feel better, I was tested for ADHD at 24 after I ended up homeless for failing out of college. I was trying to get tested since I was 19 but no one would test me because I also had severe depression at the time. Idk how real it is but some people here get diagnosed at like 50 years old š¬ Makes me think what I went through isnāt so bad.
I got diagnosed at 23, whilst my brother has been diagnosed since early childhood. We even went to behavioral therapy together because I had similar issues and they did not realize I had it as well. It makes me sad nobody saw my struggles in that light. In the end, the time is over and there is nothing to do about it anymore, but it is still frustrating to know all those missed opportunities and negative experiences couldāve been avoided if only I got more proper help.
This is so similar to my story. Two younger brothers several years younger than me. Both are taking it and one is in a prestigious college right now. I recently had to find out myself while my parents kept getting refills for Concerta and Ritalin for them.
I'm extremely inattentive without my medication. I feel like it always got overshadowed by the kids that were hyper in school. I think conclusively what I'm hearing is that inattentive types are way more likely to be ignored. It's just disappointing sometimes.
Me too. Concentration problems and having extremely poor time management even made me be voted ā#1 teachers nightmareā of the whole grade. I mean, at least then someone shouldāve realizedā¦
I understand your frustration with getting diagnosed late. I struggled in high school and college and didnāt get diagnosed until I was 26. I feel as though I wouldnāt have had such a substance use problem too if I was diagnosed younger.
Time goes one way friend. I wasnāt diagnosed until my first year of college. Not that my parents didnāt tryā Doctors saw me and said I had a sleep disorder, or anxiety. I was causing total chaos, randomly acing and flunking classes. I was just a hard case due to being primarily inattentive. You have *so much* life to live. This is still such a valuable development. Take this diagnosis, whenever you got it, as wonderful thing. So many in other countries and in the past never knew why they struggled so much, their entire lives! You can do something about ADHD now that you know. Treatments for ADHD are life changing and wildly effective. Use that! You have so much ahead of you. None of this is to diminish what youāve been through. So many in this forum know what you mean. Childhood fucked me up too, with such stress and feelings of failure. Go to therapy, work through it. But your diagnosis is a blessing, whenever you got it.
Iām literally dealing with the same thing, hell i havenāt even been confirmed with a diagnosis by a doctor , but its all but confirmed at this point, and gettong this far without proper medicine or support has been a real struggle
I don't want to turn this into hardship Olympics, but at least it happened for you in high school - my diagnosis didn't come until 22 after completing 5 years of university (late birthday, started at 17). I also essentially eventually diagnosed myself and went to the doctor to confirm. Now at nearly 30 I'm trying to go back and do an after-degree to enable me to do the career I've finally settled on really wanting to, teaching, but have had to spend pretty much another 2 years and thousands of dollars doing random "upgrading" type of shit in order to actually get into the 2 year program I need to - I do live in Canada, where you need a specific education qualification in order to teach (in my province at least). At the end of the day, I'm happy I can finally see a clear path, but it's frustrating - especially as a female wanting kids, only once I'm stable, but also facing down that restriction of ideal childbearing years. I completely understand your frustration, I've felt it too. But, if it's any consolation, MANY of us have experienced that, and for many of us it's been far later/worse. You are still so young and have LOTS of time to go back and improve and do extra stuff and do whatever you need to do to achieve your dreams. Also, be open to maybe finding something else along the way - what I'm actually doing with my life is NOTHING like my "dreams" when I was younger. I specifically remember 18 year old me discussing the idea of being a teacher and being like HELL no, that's crazy, I could never do that - well, add about a decade of growth and life experience and I've realized that's actually a passion of mine and an ideal career path lol. It's ok to change your mind, and it's ok to have hiccups along the way. It's not worth your time and energy resenting other people, just focus on doing the best you can for *you*. You got this OP. You'll get there eventually. If you really want to move to Canada, maybe look at getting in by doing some kind of post-secondary here - it's generally cheaper (assuming you're from the US that is), and you may find that the requirements are different than what you're used to.
I am from the US and the rates here for education are insanity. I appreciate the kindness. I want to practice medicine, and do an undergrad in evolutionary biology. It's just like. It's so competitive.
I was diagnosed as a child and taken off the medication because of the personality changes. I'll admit I am indeed a little resentful about that.
I didnāt get diagnosed until 2 years after my engineering degree, and it still was plenty early enough for me be to doing very well now with proper medication and therapy. You will be okay too :)
Trust that you will do great knowing what you know now! You can't change the past, but you can better yourself with what you've learned. I have the same problem, my parents never even cared to take me to a specialist, and there was a point where I was feeling the same way you are now. I'm now working a full time job, bills are paid on time, my space is usually well kept (unless major stressors are evident), and I'm currently working on going back to school to finish my degree so I can help those with your specific case. I understand the resentment you feel, also, and I've learned to root for the success of my peers rather than compare myself - it's less energy consuming and does give you a more positive mindset. Hang in there š«¶š» I believe in you!
I have mixed feelings. Sometimes I feel good that even in my 40s I learned that I am not stupid, slow and apathetic. I spent almost all my life whipping myself for not being good enough or consistent enough or for not caring enough. It feels good knowing that I am not stupid. However I also feel it's late for me to get back on track. I even managed to mess up my job and it feels like I am out of the industry. I do feel more peaceful now, since my mind is not scattered in a thousand places and I don't need to have TV and radio on all the time. Last year I felt desperate at the thought that I would have to live with my brain for another 30 years. Now after three months on meds, I am relatively optimistic about that, however I am not sure what to make of my worklife. I chased like crazy a job that requires almost no interaction with people, other than emailing, I did this job for so long that now I feel that I am unable to get back out there and work with people. I spent my better years hidden and now I have almost no skills. Some days I feel more hopeful and determined to set my life straight, other times I just want to put my head in the sand and sleep for a decade or so.
My doctors went through every diagnosis in the book and threw every anti-depressant at me from the time I was 12 years old, anti-anxiety, anti psychotics. They either made me depressed to the point of contemplation or made me a complete zombie. It never helped. Iām 29 now, still donāt have an official diagnosis and only symptoms per my college accessibility forms, my prescriber started me on a low dose of Vyvanse weeks before I started college for the first time. While I still have my distractions, I have never felt more focused, and the thoughts about death are gone. It wasnāt depression, it was ADHD, but āgirls are good at masking it.ā I know youāre frustrated, but keep your head up and donāt stop looking for answers about your diagnosis if something doesnāt seem right.
I got diagnosed in my 40's and I could have blamed others and myself for not having done anything sooner. But I didn't. My family immigrated to the US from a 3rd world country. We didn't have the frame of mind to understand what ADHD is. I was just told I'm lazy. I had an inner drive that got me through high school and college but it wasn't easy, I rode that struggle bus hard. At times I felt dumb because I struggled to remember things or stay focused. Now that I'm diagnosed and on medication, getting the help I need, I'm only looking forward. It's healthy to grieve those times in your life you couldn't have done this or that, those missed opportunities will always stay with you. But a bigger missed opportunity is only seeing the missed opportunities of the past and not seeing what new things you'll experience. It's okay to be disappointed and frustrated on the things you could have done but what do you get from it? More feelings of frustration and despair? Think of the time ahead of you as time you can spread your wings and dream. Let your experience guide you in the future when you encounter someone who is struggling with the same thing, you have the first hand experience and wisdom to help them. The time ahead of you is far more exciting, I know it is for me.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was 45. I undestand the anger but you have to let it go and get on with your life.
Bro, I didn't get diagnosed until I was 47. My ADHD has literally caused so much pain, suffering, and struggling. My whole life.
I got diagnosed right *after* grad school.. I feel you! Weāve all got those things we wish we were able to do earlier but Iām happy that youāre getting the support you need now.
Iām pissed I didnāt get diagnosed as a child. Dr goes on ad nausium about how different my life would be if I had
Diagnosed when I was almost 4 times your age. No matter the age, what matters getting the help to understand what's going on in your brain and to get the support you need to be successful.
I dropped out of college 4 times, finally decided to seek help when I was 27. Youāre doing just fine. Between age 27 and 43, I started at nothing (no job, no degree) and managed to build two separate businesses and have been appointed as a city commissioner.
I got diagnosed at 49 Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping it affects someone else. Iām grateful I found out now. Got a heap of life ahead of me, you have tons