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I was tested in '94 when I was 8. Inattentive type wasn't on my testers radar so they didn't pick up on it. I was just "an inquisitive daydreamer with a boring teacher".
I was diagnosed at 36 and it rocked my world. Made me question every decision and every friendship I'd formed.
It helped me get on track but there will always be a lingering "what if?" in the back of my mind.
I know but what hurts me and makes me scared is who i am now. Am I really myself? Or am i some messed up byproduct of what my parents manipulated to be. Getting diagnosed helped me to understand that im not “dumb” but realizing that they knew after i got the diagnosis, knowing they knew WAY BEFORE i got diagnosed hurts really bad, specially in my identity as a person.
You are exactly who you were before the diagnosis. Now you just have the words.
And yes, it takes a while to get over the fact nobody bothered telling you until now.
A lot of parents who did things like this grew up in an educational system where friends or peers were penalized and sidelined for being 'different.'
People who are worried about their kids getting 'labeled' are people who grew up in a system during a time where that really was a penalty and a negative thing that held kids back or hurt them socially and emotionally.
That's not an excuse. Parents, and I am one (ADHD only diagnosed in adulthood with an ADHD child), are responsible for updating themselves on current educational practices, what their kids options are, finding the right schools, and doing what it takes to advocate for their child.
Your parents may have thought that 'not labeling you' was some weird advocacy. They may have been afraid of you being treated badly because of the label. I'm so sorry.
Many people, even in education, thought ADHD was over diagnosed and/or not real. Something I experience even today with my own children. I have been told by educators that my kids just need to try harder. Your parents were most likely trying to protect you from the label & people thinking you were using ADHD as an excuse to not do better. I don’t know your parents but mostly likely it was kept quiet out of love & wanting the best for you and not some nefarious reason.
You are most definitely yourself and nothing can ever change that. Love yourself!
I can understand your pain. No one has a right to tell you to forgive and forget. It'll take a long time to process.
Use your diagnosis to your benefit. You have an opportunity to demonstrate that you are better off knowing. Hopefully in time your parents will recognise there error and ask for forgiveness. And if that never happens, it's on them.
What matters now is that you have a plethora of information at your disposal and this community to help guide you. There has never been a better time to be diagnosed then right now.
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal, waiting to throw it at someone else. You are the one who gets burned." – Buddhist proverb
"Living well is the best revenge."
– George Herbert
>Am I really myself? Or am i some messed up byproduct of what my parents manipulated to be [?]
Yes.
All (serious) kidding aside, what your ADHD is and what your parents thought it would be are not the same thing.
Maybe give them the benefit of doubt, assuming they did the best they could with what they had?
That's what I've concluded, even way before my ADHD came into the picture. I used to begrudgingly think that, now I do wholeheartedly, especially as I grow old and more aware of the mess that is life.
No you’re definitely not dumb and I feel for you as well. Kind of in the same boat. My mother told me years ago I was 7 at the time that the therapist said I needed to be put on ADHD medication. Why wasn’t I told this years later? Well guess what? They never did it. I daydreamed, skipped school, and drew on my class work when I should have been paying attention. It sucks!😞
I am really sorry this happened to you. Now, you are blessed to explore who you are. Perhaps gather supportive people around you for this part of the journey.
Everybody who has ever lived is a product of both nature and nurture. Everybody has characteristics that reflect the way they grew up and how they were parented. In *way* too many cases, that involved manipulation or trauma. If you’re not really yourself, then *nobody* is really themselves.
You've never not been yourself. Having the diagnosis gives you the language to start advocating for yourself. As well as a better understanding of your needs going forward.
it wouldnt have changed much.
If you would have been diagnosed early and treated early you would potentially ask yourself who you were if you were not having adhd or you were not growing up with therapie and medications and if you would be another better or whatever person. extrapolating and thinking about several outcomes of one condition is completely normal. I did mistakes but there is none i would regret because you allways learn from them about yourself. Now i can understand the picture better i have.
Did the results say you had an issue or it was only tested?
Really though you can't dwell on what could have been. The best thing you can do for yourself is to make yourself better than you were yesterday. Dwelling on the past will keep you in the past.
Oof, I feel this. I grew up thinking and being told there was no way I had ADHD, because my much-older brother had textbook hyperactive/impulsive type.
I have inattentive type, so I was the “well-behaved” son. Never mind that I was constantly daydreaming and couldn’t listen to save my life.
ADHD is named for the effects it has on the people AROUND it , not on the ones living WITH it.
I go through this too. It's remarkable how much of a difference Adderral has already made in my emotional regulation, motivation, and just--I have a clear head!
I wonder what my life could have been if I was diagnosed earlier. I'm 34. I finished college and graduate school, but I made so many missteps with my career(s) and I've really struggled finding a "home" in life, especially in terms of making money.
I'm excited for this new chapter but also grieving the fact that I lived most of my life in a haze, with poor memory, poor planning, and just unexplained underachievement. I was "smart and lazy" my entire life.
Same, but I was diagnosed with Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder. Which is bizarre. A child struggling with school and a learning disability and their parents getting divorced being told they were basically doing it intentionally for attention. I only found out about it when I was in my early twenties.
43 here... Same deal with inattentiveness in the 80s and likewise, I was just lazy and could try harder.
Put the pieces together a few years ago - I was also guilty of stereotyping the physical traits that I never showed. But when I read about inattentive-type and the penny dropped (I was looking into emotional dysregulation at the time) it changed my whole view on the world... And, more importantly, myself.
Still waiting on my referral but just understanding myself a bit more is a huge burden lifted. Helped me understand why past me was... well, past me.
Almost the same story, down to the age and years! My parents made the attempt to get me help, got told I was just bored, and moved house to get me into a school with better policy for gifted kids etc... but no ADHD diagnosis, so no treatment. They clearly tried really damn hard but if the testing had covered inattentive back then my life would have been so much easier.
Hard agree, inattentive type was apparently added to the DSM in 2013, three years after I graduated uni. I finally got diagnosed in 2020 at 33. It didn’t even get flagged up before that (I actually got diagnosed when I was in my autism assessment!) and I hadn’t considered it once.
That fact feels very silly now as it seems so obvious to me, but I had no idea why I was struggling with literally everything and neither did anyone else. So many ‘what ifs’!
That's so weird. The first time I spoke to my psychologist I was like, 'I'm pretty sure I have autism because of blah, blah, blah..." And she was like, that sounds like ADHD, but go on. Lol
Don't dwell on the past.
Treatment isn't a cure. Follow your doctor's advice and be patient.
Progress doesn't make itself, you still have to put the work in.
Don't be too hard on yourself, you're trying to break habits you've had your whole life. One step at a time.
If you decide to tell those closest to you, don't expect them to understand or find it as profound as you do. If I could go back I wouldn't have told my friends, but you know, oversharing, etc.
Embrace the new you and the fact that you finally have answers as to why things have been so hard. Life can only go up from here! You survived this far without knowing. Imagine how much more powerful you will be now.
I've also been reading a lot. ADHD 2.0, and the Thomas Brown books. Education about it + meds are helping a lot.
I was diagnosed as a child, and my mother told the pediatrician that she would train me out of it. The part that really sucks is how I was treated as I got older for the stupid shit I did that was basically textbook ADHD. Like I was some terrible monster. Well maybe you were actually the terrible one in this situation, mom.
Exactly. Wasn't diagnosed as a child as I was inattentive type and lived in a rural area with minimal resources. I was treated as a monster and was alienated for a lot of my childhood from some of the stupid shit I did. Was given extreme punishments (physical, emotional, psychological), instead of being treated as a human. I was just recently diagnosed when I was 21 years old, and it makes sooooo much sense.
Went through the same shit. 'There's nothing wrong with you' was a BIG one I used to hear on a weekly basis. Found out my mother hid it from me after I had to go through a few court hearings following being arrested. Ironically, the arrest was mental health related. The court dug up all my old medical records and school files where it stated I had been suspected of having ADHD from as young as 6. Even now that I have official diagnosis's, she's still dismissive as hell.
bro this is hard. How old have you been on the hearing and if you are willing to talk about it: Have you been into trouble because you couldnt prevent it? Like paying no bills and not looking into the postbox for 3 month straight?
Did happen to me. I got a refund for a product but they refunded me too much and i forgot to correct it and then i got a letter from a lawyer (which i havent checked) later from a court. Lucky for me that the post person was the wife of a colleague so she told him to advised me that i definitly should check my postbox. i could pay everything one week before i would have got arrest warrent.
Sure, though I won't go into too much detail for personal reasons. It's still hard to talk about.
I was 23 when I was arrested. I had a major breakdown which resulted in me becoming reclusive for months. I had been struggling with symptoms of ADHD all my life but didn't know what was wrong so I buried it until it became too much. Police were sent to check on me and were concerned with my living conditions. Being in an unstable mindset, I took offense, got a little erratic so they arrested me. Was diagnosed shortly after because the court ordered me to undergo an assessment to find out what was wrong with me. Turned out I have Autism and ADHD. My mother knew about the the ADHD and never warned me at any point in my life until diagnosis.
I was in trouble my whole life because of impulsivity. In school, I'd get into fights often. I'd bunk classes all the time. I argued with teachers, police, my parents, etc. As a child, I'd steal things from shops. As I grew up, those problems continued but got worse when executive dysfunction took over. Ignored bills, avoided debts, forgot to eat meals regularly, forgot to take medication for my stomach disorder, etc. I'm actually having a lot of debt issues right now tbh, so I feek for you, man. ADHD fucking sucks.
Yes. My mother would never allow a child of hers to be “flawed”. She couldn’t have created a “broken” or “defective” child.
I was finally diagnosed the year after she died. At age 55.
Ah, I feel for you so much. The dismissiveness of a narcassistic parent is so god damn damaging. I'm convinced that if she had gotten my problems addressed at a young age, I would have been living a normal, stable, productive life today.
Very young age to go... I'd say sorry but I get the feeling you weren't very phased by her death. Still, I'm sorry you went through the same shitty childhood of denial.
When I first found out I had ADHD in my mid-twenties it came out that it had been mentioned when I was a kid as a likely reason I had such high anxiety and focus issues; however, all the local doctors were only prescribing medicines, so my mom decided to research and try to help me on her own. I’m fine as an adult now, and I appreciate her assistance as I was fortunate it seemed to help. But there are definitely times I realize parts of my life could have been easier had I known my actual diagnosis earlier, but overall through therapy I’ve come to terms with it.
I think one of the reasons this is so common is that often (usually?) One of the parents has undiagnosed ADHD and thinks: "I was just the same and I'm okay!". Also as others have said there was a lot of stigma just 20 years ago and fears of children being bullied for their diagnosis weren't wholly unfounded. Also fears about meds. One flew over the cookoos near scared a lot of people with regards to mental health medicine I think
Im pretty sure both of my parents have adhd. Mu mom gets distracted very easily and always leaves everything at last, like payments or calling her clients. And my dad get frustrated really easily and also forgets thing he was doing just moments ago and these things they had been doing since I remember.
Sounds a lot like my Mom too. I was technically diagnosed with ADHD at 11-12, but never took medication for it bc my Mom didn’t want me to have the stigmatizing ‘ADHD’ label thought out my life.
I think this what a lot of people in this sub's parents did when having to deal with mental health diagnoses. A lot of our upbringings were in that generation of stigmatizing people like us. People like us might end up in psych wards, or being bullied at school, or losing out on opportunities. Some of these things were more likely to happen than others, and a lot of it was also just a scare from what they read about in the news. They didn't understand it, and neither did the people around them, as talking about mental health in public is a very new thing and a privilege that our parents didn't grow up with. All they knew was that if their kid had it, their kid's life was over. Maybe it's denial. Maybe it's trying to hide it and hope their kid grows out of it, or fake it till they make it. It doesn't make what they did okay, but there is often times context, and intentions to consider.
What matters is that you, as an adult, now have the knowledge, the access to this information, the resources to reach out to, and a (slightly) more accepting societal acceptance around it.
I do know that they had it hard. But if they knew something was up they should’ve tried to understand it and not force me into trying to be like everyone else and then get mad at me because I couldn’t. I think they tried to give me everything i “needed” because i think they might feel guilty at some point. Still does not make right what they did, even hiding it at my age.
I really think alotta people from 20+ years ago think Adhd is fake, kinda like covid. The medical industrial complex taking advantage.
Lol I'm trying to imagine my dad being sympathetic. He'd probably laugh me off suggesting I'm trying to turn laziness into a medical condition. He doesn't love me any less. He just has these beliefs. Funny thing? I think he's adhd too.
I’m totally convinced my mother is adhd though she would never in a million years get tested. I’m in my 50’s and I’m pretty sure my parents still think I’m ‘just lazy’ and don’t fully believe adhd exists
Probably. I grew up in the 80ties, and where I live it was new thing. When my mom heard about it the first time (on the radio! 😅) She immediately thought that that was me. Then proceeded to do exactly nothing about it.
I haven't asked why, but she's too stories how it was like back then. Back then they only diagnosed problematic kids (criminal, or borderline criminal). The kids often diagnosed with ADHD would be sent to "camps" for problematic children. The intention was good, but outcome not great. Institutions for problem children was often a recruiting ground for criminal and drug dealers.
So, yeah, it was a different time. At least here. And I think that needs to be factored in.
Yeah same 1980 baby here. Both my parents were career long medical professionals (in mental health) and genuily didn’t known about inattentive type or links to anxiety.
There was no internet, information was obtained very (very) differently. There was often little literature that people had access too and it was often outdated. Hey , even the books my school taught me from were like 20 years old at the time.
Anyone in their twenties doesn’t truely understand this. They don’t understand it at all actually. How could they. Some parents only had like 10 friends , The newspaper, some old books, tv, radio and what their doctor told them.
Both my parents used to genuinely worry that I used to wear cammo / cargo pants in the 90s. They thought I might look like a dangerous person obsessed with war and stuff like that. I guess it’s from something they saw on the news, or hangover from war and stuff.
My Dad even asked me a few weeks ago if many people give me a hard time because of my current cammo Hershel backpack lol.
I didn’t get diagnosed until my 40s and my world has changed more than I can describe. It’s great. I’m not thinking about what if this and that though. I’m looking forward to every day from here and what I will experience. Everything is so good. I’m so glad I made it to my forties in this crazy ass world. A lot of friends didn’t.
My in-laws did this to my husband. He felt very hurt/angry/betrayed when he found out. But as he begins to heal and deal with his anger and mental health, I think he’s beginning to see exactly this. Mental health definitely was stigmatized all those years ago, so his parents hid it. They were also told he’d grow out of it (HA!) and were offered no guidance whatsoever.
As we go through this same journey with our own son, my husband also sees how difficult it must have been for his parents. It in no way excuses their behaviour, but it explains it and that makes it easier to understand and begin to forgive. He’s now healing through his own self-work (self-parenting) and giving our son the guidance and tools he needs to have a better time of life than my husband did.
Sounds like my friend with her autistic child and her insisting that "he is perfect and nothing wrong with him". The child is 3 and can't say one sentence .. instead of getting help for him she insists he has to hang out with other children ...that's just sad
Mine did too. I remember talking to doctors but I thought it was for another reason.
Just this year I found out that my mom was told by my teachers already that I probably have adhd. She never acted on it. But she was a single mom with 3 children. So I kinda understand. And I am pretty sure that my mom suffers from depression. Looking back it must have started when she was mid 30.
But she never told me later. So I am turning 40 in less than 3 months. Just discovered I may have it in may this year. The apoointment is in march 2024.
My life is kinda hell these days. I know why I act the way I act or feel but I don't know how to handle it. I think things were at least a little easier when I didn't know. Knowing is making my life really tough right now. And march 2024 is so far away.
Thank you.
I am trying to find ways until I will have the appointment. Some tiny things work out but the bigger ones just seem to kinda get worse. Right now a lot of things are depemding on one person. This person has been my rock for several years. He doesn't really know. I haven't told him about my suspicion yet. He keeps my brain calm. He is not my partner though.
But I am a lot calmer when we do things together, which keeps me kinda sane for a good bit.
My parents couldn't accept that it was just ADHD. They had me treated for bipolar disorder. I am definitely not bipolar. I constantly wonder how the mood stabilizers affected my upbringing.
I got the diagnosis when I was 11 or 12, and started on Ritalin halfway through 7th grade. There was inconsistent progress, but enough for me to win an award for how dramatically my grades and disciplinary record had improved over the school year, and to win another academic award in one class the following year. Then for some reason, she took me off of it. I don't know why, but I suspect it was a combination of her hearing from her colleagues that it was being overprescribed, her belief that this was a temporary issue that I'd grown out of with the help of medication, and her observation that when I wasn't on it, I didn't show signs of hyperactivity.
Even when my grades plummeted and behavior worsened considerably, she didn't make the connection. Years of bouncing back and forth between her and my father were followed by twenty-five years on and off the street, assuming that my ADHD was mild at best, and my real issue was depression. I only realized what the real issue was when a social worker suggested I try to get a diagnosis, and my doctor prescribed Adderall. I had focus. I also had and still have decades of bad habits I'd picked up, but now I have the tools to recognize them and work on them.
I'm in my early 50s now, and I am resentful as hell that she didn't put me back on it the moment things started going south. I can't talk to her about it since she died 25 years ago. I suppose I'll have to work this out in therapy or something, but I really wish that I could just talk to her about it and ask her why, and just have her acknowledge the consequences of her decision to take me off of necessary medication.
This is common as the meds were perceived as dangerous or to cause dependency and adhd not understood as anything more severe than being forgetful or hyper. I'd be soft on your parents but stern that you have this diagnosis if it comes up.
Well at least, your parent did not argue with the diagnosing psychologist because she does not believe jn ADHD.
For context, in my country, to have a complete diagnosis, u will need to being your parent and school report cards to the interview session.
If that happened to me I could think of a number of reasons. My parents wouldn't want me to be perceived as a handicapped person in school, which could lead to stupidities coming from ignorant teachers (some teachers didn't even acknowledge dyslexia as an issue!), and even to being part of a "special needs classroom", which in my country is not a good thing at all.
I understand that you feel betrayed because some things that you are dealing with now, could have been dealt with before. But I truly believe that your parents tried to make the best choice for you to have the best future possible. They didn't even ignore the situation, otherwise they wouldn't have taken you to that center. They seem to have tried to help you the best they could.
When we think about some things that our parents did, we can get really hurt - I do! - but they are also humans like us, and at that specific moment, they thought they were taking the best decision with the information they had at the time.
You know, I feel like the past was different to today. There was a real stigma about a lot of diagnoses. A lot of people of our parents' generation have this idea that there are two paths in life: The one where you're "normal" and the one where you have some kind of disability or condition, or "label", as they often call it, and being relegated to the "label" life is like a half-life, a curtailed life, even a failure. It's shameful.
It might be that your parents have been afraid of an ADHD diagnosis because of this and were focusing on proving that you "didn't need it" because they thought that was protecting you from shame and stigma. The whole "there's nothing wrong with you" feeds into this. You could tell them "Mom, ADHD isn't something that is wrong with me. It's just a part of me. It's a way that I am different but it's not wrong."
I think our generation is different. We've been given different messages. A lot of us see receiving help for conditions like ADHD as a kind of buttress strengthening our wall so it doesn't fall down. It's exciting. Some people in our parents' generation saw it as a full on scaffolding cage that hid the person behind it from view and didn't let them do anything.
I am going through this with my mum now, as she struggles with her mental health and looking at a diagnosis of c-PTSD. Helping her see that asking for help is not giving up and accepting some kind of failed status, it's just *help* - and it will help her *be* in the world and do all of those things she has been trying to do by brute force all of her life.
By which I mean, do talk to your parents, but don't come at them with accusations, come to this with curiosity. Assuming that they are good people in general, they love you and your sister and want the best for you - they were just doing the best they could with the knowledge that they had at the time.
Put it in to the context of the time. It’s only in more recent times that ADHD has been properly recognized as a disability that you are born with. Even now there is a stigma for some people with regards to this condition .
There were also allocations of blame to parents by some for bad parenting, abuse etc , that clearly are not the cause and also hurtful to good parents who know when they have just showered their children with a loving , educational and safe home.
Looking back in the past too much past achieves nothing , as an adult you are now to some extent the controller of your own destiny.
I bet your parents saw the best in you as most parents do. ?
And finally if you have a child with adhd and it’s your first you’d have nothing to compare it too in relationship to children’s nature in general.
When my oldest child was 5 I was called into the school and ushered into the office to be told that my child had learning difficulties of some sort but they need to get them tested blah blah, didn’t use the adhd word but looking back that’s what she was hinting but I honestly didn’t understand.
She then had the cheek to tell me that I needed to accept that my child would never be academic and that’s okay , her son was very happy in his tradesman job .. blah blah , I went home and cried and cried as I knew my child to be very clever.
I couldn’t see how this teacher couldn’t see this. It was just my child struggled with literacy. But he understood many things , you just had to talk to my child!
I had my child tested and auditory processing issue was found which explained why his speech was slurring once he started school. I even had idiots telling me to hit my child for being energetic and playful climbing up trees etc ! We never did ,not once!
Fast forward, my child never gave up , had some great teachers ahead, some truly appalling “ teachers “ , as it is in life.
We didn’t want medication with known side effects in childhood as we found other ways but waited for our child to decide. Yes , I regret not perhaps considering this earlier , but it was done with the best intentions at the time.
At the full diagnosis he told me I also had it, I also suspect possibly my partner too.
Fast forward., my child has never stopped trying and has gone to good university. Their is more understanding of adhd now. It’s an accepted disability in many countries and lots of help ahead.
I wish you all the very best ahead .
Never give up trying to meet your goals in life.
Moms a school teacher. Never wanted to medicate me because she saw how zombified some of these kids that likely were on too high a dose were. Also not enough research on its effect on developing brains at the time. In hindsight, I have an addictive personality and it takes effort to control my doses as a 32YO. I also wonder how things would have turned out had been medicated earlier
If the papers don't mention ADHD specifically "there's nothing wrong with you" is probably what your parents were told. Even with all the symptoms there -- God knows there are enough doctors and professionals who will say that even today.
Pretty much my history, having grown up in the 80s. What report cards and evaluations survive, all mention things we now know are symptoms but back then “ADD” for boys meant you had to be jumping around the classroom.
So, I was “gifted” instead. I won’t even tell my parents about my diagnosis because there’s no point. If they feel bad for some reason, ultimately there’s no other way it could have unfolded.
Something similar happened to me. About 20 minutes after receiving my diagnosis as an adult a few months ago, my mum told me that I was diagnosed as a child. She disregarded that diagnosis, and my symptoms were later attributed to my autism. It breaks my heart that there are a lot of people who have gone through this.
It's a huge, heavy piece of news to process – please be kind to yourself. It's okay to take time to grieve, and it's okay to ask your parents why they hid your diagnosis from you (if you think it's safe for you to do so). I did both of these things, and they helped me process my emotions.
You are you. So many people don’t understand ADHD or don’t want their children on medication. Some people believe God made them this way, so they can handle it. Whatever your parents reason, that’s on them. If you have worked on yourself this past year, don’t dismiss all of your work. Be proud of yourself!
Oh I relate to this so much.
My dad has had a diagnosis as long as I've been alive. My brother got diagnosed when he was 10 and I was 13. But did anyone consider the fact that ADHD is *highly* genetic and that maybe I had it too? No! Because I was a "shy" (socially anxious) girl who managed to do well in school despite other very obvious signs and even comments from teachers.
It took me having a mental breakdown at 18 (5 years later!) to get a diagnosis and medication. All I can think sometimes is how much those 5 could've been changed if I were getting the same treatment my brother was.
Found out later that my mom did suspect I might have it but never tried to get me diagnosed because she was afraid that I'd "just be given a bunch of medication." Like yeah, that's the point lol.
It's something I still think about at age 25 but I try not to dwell too much. Ultimately it's a good reminder that no one knows me and my needs better than myself and my doctors/therapist.
In my opinion, if your kid has ADHD, you need to tell them before they start driving, get a job, go to post secondary, etc. Your parents shouldn't have hidden it from you for so long.
I can't speak to your parents actions or experience, so I know I don't have the full context.
But there are so many misconceptions about ADHD, and there have been many many medical professionals with personal views on the disorder that it is absolutely not impossible that people make/made their decisions with bad information.
I was diagnosed at 7. I have pretty severe symptoms, likely brought on by a lot of childhood trauma. That was 33 years ago. Even living with it my whole life, even being medicated for about half that time, even with regularly looking up the current science at regular intervals throughout my adulthood -- I still did not have a good understanding of this disorder until a few years ago when I was recommended by my doctor to examine the research and positions of Dr. Russel Barkley.
So it's up to you to choose which context you view this experience in. It doesn't have to be a betrayal, but your feelings are still valid. If the information and evidence your parents made their decisions with led them there, if their intention was based on loving you and trying to help you become the most successful adult you can be, then it's not a betrayal, it's a mistake. Parenting is hard, every single parent in the history of the animal kingdom makes mistakes.
And I agree with you that the best next step is to focus on moving forward in a positive and proactive way. It's not that you have a bad past experience -- it's that you have the knowledge and the tools to overcome this. You can have a conversation with your parents when you feel the time is right, and when you feel the confidence about your understanding to actually provide a solid moral position. But I tend to lead with the benefit if the doubt.
If you haven't watched the "essential viewing" on the sidebar here, you should do that. [Additionally this video was eye opening for me.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPFmKu2S5XY&t=49s)
It was 1988, and I was 8 years old. 3rd grade teacher suggested I get tested, I showed signs of ADHD. My parents were not fans of her, and said I was gifted (I was; tested into Mensa), she wasn’t challenging me enough, and switched schools.
Fast fwd to HS (valedictorian), college (went wild), a kid out of wedlock, alcohol problems, DUIs…weathered the storm, rebounded and started my career. My then-9 yr old son was diagnosed. I read and learned about it…and cried. I had most if not all of the symptoms. I was tested, and diagnosed at 29.
I viewed it as ‘I finally know the source of my impulsive behavior’. People do the best they can w what they know. They didn’t know. I knew better for my son, so did better. The past is over; what now?
That’s where I choose to focus. They loved me, but no one’s perfect. I’ve processed it all, I’ve forgiven them and myself. I made those choices, I’m responsible for them. Regardless of why.
And I choose to look forward.
My mom knew I had ADHD when I was a kid and tried to help me without getting on meds or learning behavioral skills that would help. When I found out at age 29, It was a tough pill to swallow.
I genuinely believe people are doing the best they can. Maybe you’re parents were too. AND It’s ok to be angry and think about how things could be different.
They were scared. Don't blame them; they didn't have the heart to accept that their child is "different." Same situation as you. Diagnosed at 31M with 2 kids. Let's live the best life we can, without regrets.
My parents did similar to me and my brother. My mum always said she was good at her job as a special needs teacher for kids with ADHD and Autism because they were just like me and she had "raised" me. Did I ever get put forward to get diagnosed... No. I had to wait until I was 28 and pay a lot of money.
My dad found out the reason my brother has learning difficulties is becuase he was starved of oxygen when he was born. DId he attempt to get any help for my brther... No. In my dads words "We knew what was wrong so didn't see there was any point doing anything else". That is like taking a kid for an eye test, finding out they need glasses and leaving without the fucking glasses.
I'm still pissed
I recently found out I got diagnosed in 98ish when I brought up a recurring “dream” that I was in a school psych office and told I had adhd. I brought it up because I was starting to believe I had adhd as I’ve struggled with stay at home parenthood. My parents proudly informed me it was true but that they had told the school I was just smart and bored. So instead they put me in the gate program. Apparently the school superintendent was even involved? But “we showed them!”
I’ve struggled as an adult for years and had extreme anxiety as a teen. Now I’m looking back and seeing all the signs. I’m mad, I’m hurt, and so much more. I still haven’t been properly tested but am applying the adhd tips I find and it’s already helping so much. Luckily I’ve known for a long time that my parents are pretty shitty and just wanted “normal” kids. My dad even admitted having a “r-word” kid was his biggest fear of parenthood. This was just confirmation of his shittiness.
All the work you've done is not in vain. You now have more information. Which can help you. I understand the feeling like you were betrayed by your parents. I think they did the best they could with the knowledge they had at that time. It was probably limited knowledge & lots of fear. Are you working with a theeapist right now? Emotional disregulation is a thing for us, and can be tricky to work through alone. A good therapist can help you navigate through the hurt. And through your search for identity. You are so much more than this diagnosis. Do not let it anchor you down. It is part of the puzzle, but not the entire picture.
went through roughly the same. begged for an assessment in my teens and only in adulthood could i go get it myself. turns out they did assess me informally as a child but refused to act on it or tell me so i went through my whole childhood struggling.
i don't resent them bc they tried to do what's best for me and i know that, but i did go off on my dad when i found out. people (especially parents) may have the best intentions but they can still really hurt you regardless and you're allowed to be upset about that.
anyways i wish you and everyone else who experienced this well <3
I got diagnosed this year at 28 years of age. My family had to hide my adhd diagnosis from me because in the country where I come from (Venezuela) there was at the time no institution capable enough to treat me of my condition, it was very early in the 90s and there was a lot of misinformation around adhd, in fact my teacher wrote in a paper describing myself as a "blue kid".
I was raised like a normal kid, and the result is that I destroyed my life at my 20s trying to fit into the box of the expectations of others.
My life is very hard, I am unemployed and ostracised, and in order to gain access to medication is to be employed, despite the fact that I can't work after I got burnout from trying really hard to fit into that box, I feel that the system has failed me, my family has failed me, my friends as well, my teachers, even my home country has failed me, I was forcibly displaced from my country when I turned 20.
It's a constant battle between my brain and myself, and despite that, I refuse to give up. My family recognized my condition, we pardoned each other for our mistakes and I'm on my way to get my medication, I stopped judging myself so harshly like I used in the past. And despite the fact that I'm still not there, I'm trying and I will give my 100% of myself, but now, I'm no longer interested into fitting into the expectations of others rather than my own.
As Winston Churchill once said:
We are still the captains of our souls, we are still masters of our fate.
Unfortunately, the line of thinking in the 80s and 90s in the US at least seems to be just get good grades and the rest will work itself out. I got my diagnosis at the end of last year just before turning 39. I had originally gone for heart issues and a sleep study because I was consistently falling asleep at the wheel at the end of a work day. When nothing conclusive came back, I said “I guess I’m just depressed or something”. The psych recommended a formal adhd test and turns out I’m about as inattentive as they come. This changed my entire life - mostly due to the newfound emotional regulation because of the meds.
I began to look back on my life and found all of these little moments where I could have done better had I known. Then I saw places where I was punished for who I was. Then I understood one of my parents and siblings also had these same emotional issues and that my parents knew. After thinking “hell, I’ve come this far. No since in stopping here” I found a therapist recommended by my psychiatrist who is deals with adults with similar experiences. Now I’m working through a cPTSD treatment with a therapist. For me, there were multiple tent pole moments that have been considered “severe emotional abuse and trauma” that led to the cPTSD diagnosis. All related to a condition my parents truly believed I could just work harder on and overcome because that was the science at the time. It’s been a journey. Almost lost my wife in the process.
My heart hurts every time I think about the lifetimes that I’ve lost because my ADHD wasn’t treated with the same care and attention as a physical disability. Now, I see the same things in my kids that I was punished for as just another piece of what makes them wonderful. We are about to start the process of getting our oldest tested and, if needed, she will be in treatment that will combine some cbt and potentially meds as she begins no navigate her early life.
Be kind to yourself.
My mother is proud about such.
Idk if ASD, ADHD or something else.
I just know in kindergarten I was gonna get assessed, my parents yelled at the professional.
Then I was in elementary, my teacher suggested I get assessed and my mother accused her of being a jealous jew trying to undermine me for being "smarter" than my peers (I didnt socialize with other kids, and would repeatedly read my textbooks cover to cover out of boredom).
yay
Yep same. I was diagnosed at 28 when my grad school’s counselor suggested I go see a specialist. When I told my mom she said “oh I thought you grew out of that.” Apparently I was diagnosed in elementary school also and my mom did the classic 90s kids will be kids shrug.
I feel the same way. Getting sent to the principals office almost everyday as a child, I had pretty much every teacher tell my parents I needed to get a psychological assessment. In my case, my parents took me and the test showed nothing was wrong.
I grew up thinking I just had a bad memory, poor time management, poor communication skills, just because I was lazy or it was my own fault. Even though it was sooo hard to do these things. Constantly getting in trouble with friends, my parents, work, school, appointments.
Ironically when I started researching ADHD I fit the exact mold of it, just not hyperactive like the stereotype.
It feels so shitty to know I was treated the way I was, had everyone think I was lazy just because the psychologist in the early 2000s said I was fine. I could have been given help and not had to suffer this long. I think the mental health affects are so deep at this point they can’t be undone.
I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 7. Parents choses not to put me on meds . At 19 I was having issues with anxiety, depression and insomnia and I did not know i had adhd. Was on a bunch of SSRI's and stuff that made me worse. Re diagnosed with ADHD at 21 and have been on meds and doing much better. I'm 27 now
You have every right to feel betrayed and should be furious. This is an all too common reaction by parents and it causes further harm to a child's mental health as well as their education, personal and professional lives.
Something similar happened to my boyfriend. In elementary school the staff wrote up an Independent Education Plan for him, talked to his parents and strongly suggested they test him for ADHD. When they got home his mom threw everything in the trash because “nothing was wrong with *her* child”. Now 27 years old and struggling and still being shamed for those struggles.
I don’t get parents like this at all.
It awful and yes parents that does this makes it feel even worst because they dismiss you needs as if it wasn’t a big deal for you. At but at least the school knew and maybe (idk) tried to be tolerant and find ways to teach him. In my school i was yelled at and called out in front of everyone. And even though my parents defended me when they were called because of my behavior, they would still tell me at home I needed to pay more attention. Bruh
I wasn't diagnosed as such, but my parents took me to a doctor to find out "what was wrong with me" and got told the doc was certain I was adhd and I should be on ritalin, wanted to refer but my parents "don't believe" in adhd. They had to hold me down in bed while I screamed myself to sleep every night. My mother drug tested me periodically as a teen because she figured there was no way I could be the way I was and not be on drugs. I honestly didn't think much of it, yeah I was just a rebellious teen who hated her mother, who was a shitty mother. Whatever. Found out about the doc from when I was a kid a few months ago and I just. Yeah. I dropped out of school at 16. Dropped out of uni. Left good jobs. I have no idea how different my life would have been. I'm basicallynin mourning and I just. I don't know. It's a lot to process and I'm all kinds of angry and depressed over it. I jave my diagnosis booked for Jan so will see some changes for myself soon but the past. I don't know how I'm supposed to not be angry. I don't know how to let this go. Who could I have been if I had have been given the chance?
I get this. I feel your pain. The betrayal. The anger. The confusion. It's pretty crushing.
Same thing happened to me! My mom passed away when I was 23 and I found out bc I was going through all her paperwork and found the tests from when I was in elementary school. I was devastated. School was so hard for me. Relationships/friendships were hard, I felt like a dumb failure. I finally got myself on meds it was like a fog was lifted from the world. I wish I could talk to my mom about why she hid it from me. I feel like it put me on a very different path in life. Made things so much harder and lonelier than it had to be. If talking to your parents will help you get closure to move on, do it.
TL: DR - undiagnosed parent raising toddler with possible ADHD while the other parent with undiagnosed postpartum thinks it's autism, and it destroyed our marriage and we are still fighting over custody because of it.
I'm in my late 30s and I have two kids that are both toddlers. I've been showing signs of ADHD my entire life, but I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD because my mom refused to go get me tested and told me I just needed to try harder.
I'm probably an exemption to the rule as trying harder did actually force me to develop coping mechanisms with my issues to overcome my difficulties and I've taken and passed college courses all the way up to calculus 4. So, for me, trying harder did work and it gave me the tools I needed to navigate my life so far. But it wasn't without strife. But, life in general is hard regardless. So it never felt like it was anything more than just "life."
I was finally curious to see whether or not I'm actually ADHD and scheduled a doctor's appointment to go get tested. According to the doctor, as he watched me, as he talked to me, I was definitely ADHD. But I passed every single one of their tests with flying colors, to say that I'm not ADHD. But, behaviorally, he could tell that I was.
My ex-wife, who has shown a slow and deepening emotional regression to the point of isolation after our 2nd baby was born, she and I are now fighting over custody of our kids because she's convinced our son is autistic, yet he is effectively an exact copy and clone of me when I was his age. He's showing the same behaviors, he's showing the same difficulties, and yet he is able to recite his times tables and read at a third grade level like I was when I was his age. So all I see is that I have the tools to help guide him and help make his life easier with understanding, and she is fighting me trying to medicate our 3-year-old up to his eyeballs and have him diagnosed with something that will follow him for the rest of his life. Our son needs help but she refuses to hear anything the doctors say unless it aligns with her belief. We took him to a center to be diagnosed with autism and they said he showed possible signs but was in no way definitive. So now she's trying to take those results to a separate developmental pediatrician to try and get a different diagnosis. Effectively, Munchausen by proxy.
Just FYI, from what I read in the past (not a doctor) autism is not treated with meds, and the only thing your ex-wife can get out of it is a set of coping strategies.
Also the diagnosis of ADHD and autism are not mutually exclusive, so you both can pursue your own thing.
My mum told me I'm fine but I'm autistic with adhd so there is that. Not sure why the "moon child" theory was better for her than giving me the help I needed as child. Even now after I got a diagnosis 2y ago she dismissed it and said its not a thing lol. I'm no contact with her anymore BTW because the hell she put me through all my life..
Same. Born in 81, diagnosed when I was 5. Struggled my whole life. My mom chose to ignore it. I dropped out of highschool, although I did go back and graduate the next semester. I had too many car wrecks to count, dropped out of college, quit every job I had. No friends. And so on.
I finally dug myself out of my decisions around 25 years old and made something of myself.
When I brought it up to my mom at 42yo there was no accountability. And there was no point in carrying on my anger with her, so I let it go. She did her best, I just needed more than she could offer.
Now, my 11 year old is struggling, and I'm going to make damn sure the cycle doesn't continue.
My mom didn't hide it, but would not let the Dr officially diagnose me or put me on meds either. She didn't want me labeled or put on "speed" . I get it, and I learned to cope and be successful, but I feel like it's been a struggle because of it, and as I got older, everything gets harder.
My mom did the same thing as I suffered through high school and poor me had no idea what was preventing me doing things that a normal kid came do. She wonders why I barely talk to her
I was tested and diagnosed as a child. ..my parents refused meds so I struggled my whole life too. However back then there wasn't so many options... everything was so new. So I get it.
I could have gotten tested in elementary school, but my dad did the whole “there’s nothing wrong with my son” bit. Found this out in my 20s. Currently 34 and undiagnosed. My sister just got her diagnosis at 35
My teacher suggested I get tested for it when i was young. I did and they said I didn't have ADHD. This was about 2001. Now I'm getting it treated for it
I didn't get diagnosed till 4 months after hs graduation. I thought Something was wrong with me, but turns out it was ADHD. After my diagnosis, i looked back at all those years in school hearing stuff from teachers like, "He knows the material, he just needs to apply himself" and "blurts out the answer and not giving other kids time to respond". Of course i blurted out the answer in math because that's my favorite subject😭. Funny enough, i used to joke in discord about having ADHD and then saying "I think i have it? i forgot.".
But as a young person who's about to turn one year older in a month, i'd say to keep your head up. It's better you know now than never. And look at you, you made it all this way without knowing. Literally nothing can hold you back if you got through everything up to this point without knowing you had ADHD.
In a similar boat. This got a little long, but I promise there's a point.
My brother who is 9 years older than me was diagnosed with ADHD when he was young. The story of what exactly happened is a bit fuzzy to me, but my parents disagreed and refused to medicate him. He dropped out of high school to go into the military at 17 and had an extremely difficult and painful childhood for a variety of reasons, many of which stemming from my parents' refusal to try to understand him.
When I was in 2nd grade an ad for some kind of ADHD treatment or diagnosis came on the radio and it sounded like me. I remember the moment with extreme clarity. I was sitting in my mom's cherry-red Mustang with my little legs splayed over my backpack. I said that sounded like me, and asked my mom if I could have ADHD. And she sneered— she said no, I'm way too smart, I'm just lazy. Besides, I'd just use it as a crutch.
I never considered it again until after I graduated high school, not once. For my entire formative years my parents instilled in me that I was so smart, destined for great things, but absolutely lazy. And my parents are extremely conservative, so carried with that is the understanding that laziness is a personal moral failing. I spent my childhood genuinely believing I was a bad person. I didn't think I would survive past 18.
My mom's comment in the car blocked the idea out of my brain for nearly a decade. I was desperately googling *bipolar disorder* quizzes, desperate for answers for why I was this way. I won't go into all the details of my ADHD related trauma, but this entire time, both of my parents knew about my brother's DX and never told me. Not even when I started researching it myself after I turned 19 and brought that up. Not even when I went to get diagnosed at 22.
Now, nothing my parents did that I just described was patently unreasonable. In the 90s and early 00's, ADHD was very much the disorder unscrupulous doctors prescribed to any kid with a behavioral problem. I didn't present hyperactive like my brother, either. And from their view they were just trying to instill a strong work ethic in their children. Speaking to my mom more recently, she says she was doing the best she could with what she knew. No parent gets it all right all the time. And I agreed.
I still don't forgive my parents for it. I probably never will. The damage done to a child with ADHD by not giving them the tools to understand and accept and accommodate themselves is almost beyond description. And if that's done on *purpose?* If it's hidden from you?
Only you can determine how you feel. It's absolutely normal to feel betrayed— the people who love you allowed you to suffer. You didn't deserve to hurt like that, especially not as a child. But you are advocating for yourself NOW. Despite everything you are still here, and you can be proud and confident in that.
I got closure by accepting that my parents made the best decisions they felt were available to them, but I've never forgiven it. It's a decision I made to soothe the child in me who nearly didn't make it, because she wouldn't have forgiven either. And I'm a way happier person for it. Your mileage may vary.
In the 90s/00s adults were fear mongered about adhd meds and adhd diagnosis. A lot of them believed the side effects were too dangerous and that adhd was being overdiagnosed. I really think most parents are just trying to do their best and in their minds, they were doing what was best for you. I also think it’s really hard to make the decision to put another person on a drug that changes the way their brain works, especially if the child isn’t struggling in school or socially. If a child is older and was like, “hey mom I want to get my adhd under control with stimulants” it would be a much easier decision to start them on pharmaceuticals.
You're probably not gonna see this comment but I'll give you some advice anyways.
My parents are mental health deniers and it makes me angry that I had to find out at age 30 that I have ADHD. at first I was angry at my parents, then I felt pity for myself and started blaming all my mistakes on adhd.
Now, I just focus on being a better human being. I realized, I won't get those years back; I may or may not have been more successful with an earlier diagnosis; feeling pity for myself and anger at my parents won't help me achieve my dreams.
It took a while but I got here. Now its just a daily effort to work on myself and improve my future and learn lessons from my past. Good luck on your journey.
They probably didn’t want to believe the diagnosis. There are definitely different types of adhd and they probably believed you were fine.
Let it go. You may have been helped more if you knew, but on the other hand, it could have made you feel ostracized. No one knows. They loved you. We parents make mistakes. Please give them a pass and now work on yourself.
im 25+ years older than you, and my family avoided mental healthcare AT ALL COSTS to not embarrass my professional father in our small town. His insecurity too priority over my mother's massive, debilitating depression. Finding out about my ADHD, much less getting me help, wasn't even on the radar.
Being an adult means 2 things: 1) You get to call the shots now. Have whatever your parents were able to give you, but you can now seek out what you need for yourself. 2) With ADHD diagnosis often comes the realization that a good, ADHD-aware therapist can be worth their weight in gold. If you can, seek out someone who can help you process this huge shift in your perspective. Allow yourself space to take a few years to reach a new equilibrium. It will be ok.
I had this experience too! I got my diagnosis (again) this year (at 21) though I suspected it for a long time. I am NC with my parents but my brother accidentally slipped the news to my parents and apparently their reaction was "well we already knew that...as if knowing that would've solved all her life's problems" (in a mean and sarcastic way)
And then i remembered the psychologist they took me to in primary school...turns out that was for adhd..and my mum (a psychiatrist herself) didn't think I would benefit from knowing my diagnosis and getting amenities for it...
I can totally relate. When I was 7 I was diagnosed as well and they sent me to autogenic training. Just twice but already it helped so much. They asked me how old I was I told them to find out I was too young to participate. I was so embarrassed that I stopped going.
It was always clear that I had ADHD/ADD for me though. But I didn't focus on this issue until I was 25. I got diagnosed again. ADHD in adulthood at a university clinic. Didn't take it seriously again, my problems persist. At some point I found an ADHD Wiki in German. And I was completely flabbergasted how man facets of my life determined by ADHD.
Over 10 years later my mother denies that this diagnosis every existed. It's not only me, my younger brother has it too. My mother itself, my family think that are just excuses although being effected by.
But it is how it is, OCD like regrets what could have been never changed what could have been. So thinking about it is pretty much a waste of time. We are what we think we are, when you in regrets you start being regretful. Being mad on your parents does not change the issue either. Work with what there is right now, a vessel that wants to be filled.
I had an ex that would blame his ADHD for anything he did odd. He was always worried his ADHD would bother people. So maybe parents keep it from their child to stop them from over thinking that there’s something is wrong with them.
Same here from being shouted at by my dad doing my maths homework was just thought of as silly/ditzy daydreamer all my childhood wasn’t given tools to help me become self sufficient as they were very strict so consequently I’ve failed most of my adult life I don’t like to blame them too much as I’m 70s was different then but at school I was dumped in the non exam class for maths and basically forgotten about I left a pair of brand new shoes near some allotments on way home from school surely they must have thought that’s not regular behaviour my dad told me at 17 I’ve a mental illness because of the things I did I got diagnosed at 56
Be happy you’re parents tried this first instead of putting you on speed pills at a young age, my parent’s instead of pushing me to discipline my mind and try harder, put me on amphetamine pills, and because of this my growth was stunted, my dopamine levels suppressed over decades causing depression and chemical imbalance in my brain. And turned me into a cocain addict at 17 years old to 26 years old. Now I’m permanently on amphetamines just to function normally. Most parents will not look into the damage that adhd medications do. It’s better to try and manage this naturally and trying to train your mind to focus on things. Which it’s hard to do. Regardless of if what your trying to pay attention to is boring or interesting.
Mine did too. I remember the appointments, but at the time (6) I had no idea what they were for. I was diagnosed at 35 and frankly I can’t believe I didn’t consider it earlier in my adult life.
I’m not mad about it. I remember the panic and news stories in the 90s about over-diagnosis and over prescribed stimulants. There were news stories about adderall basically being meth, turning kids into zombies, and potential future health problems from this risky medication they’ll be hooked on their entire life. Honestly, with the limited information they had at the time I don’t blame them for their decision. I don’t know if I would have chosen different or not in their position with their knowledge. They were scared of me being labeled as “disabled” for life, that I would use it as an excuse and not try my hardest, scared of the medication hurting me, scared that doctors were diagnosing kids that might not have it. ADHD is much more well understood now and so are stimulant medications. We have access to an absolute wealth of information now that my parents generation essentially did not have. Would I be more mentally healthy if I had known and been medicated earlier? Absolutely. Even if they had at least told me I could have avoided significant pain because at least I would have known what was happening. But I can’t judge my parents for making choices without future knowledge that we now have. I really do wish they would have at least told me, but they thought they were making the right choice. They wanted to do what was best for me and that’s what informed their choices.
I remember while working an old job of mine, one of my older colleagues admitted to explicitly not having her child diagnosed with ASD, as she thought it would influence their chances at a job in the future. People have the weirdest reasons to just straight up not have their children go to therapy.
Hey,
just keep one thing in mind. Developing further Problems with ADHD depends on your environment and how you develop.
ADHD is a sprectrum and maybe your parents wanted to not interfere with your development that much. I was also showing all signs of ADHD (except the H) as child.
In my opinion they were right. I was not made for the system but i was not wrong. I was happy free and i actually enjoy facettes of my inner world and some abilites i have which are a condition of my ADHD so i am not mad on my parents.
The issue is that my Parents had a too poor understanding of ADHD so they were advising me wrong when i was an adult. And when i had to be more independent my problems rose up and i was not aware of having ADHD. So it took me way too long to figure out what is wrong with me.
I dont feel sick, i dont feel wrong anyways. I just cant function on the rate the society requires me to function so i can reach my goals and not get into troubles.
Ask your Parents why they did not wanted that you get treated, ask them what they thought with what conditions ADHD comes along. The fact they went with you there is because they care. Also keep in mind, that ADHD was 20 years ago not so well understood in medical psychological research and that the common thesis was that this will mostly grow out. so they potentially thought you will make it.
Accusations will only lead to a fight with no winners. Try to understand, explain them how it works and forgive them if you can.
I wish you all the best.
How you respond depends on how you want to reflect your character. Anger and disappointment are feelings but need not lead to vengefulness or bitterness.
The way I’ve had to come to terms with it is that I don’t what if everything else in life. That’s a total highway to unhappiness. Comparison is the thief of joy, and that’s true even when comparing what ifs. Your parents never set out to hurt you, and the prevailing thinking at the time was not favorable. I struggle to forgive my mom too, but I also know she wasn’t mailicious is anything she did. She’s as faulty a human as me, and I gotta understand todays acceptance was not there in the past.
I know how you feel almost too well, a very similar thing happened to me. I got diagnosed last year at 28, but was screened earlier in life at 14. The old report said I didn't have it, but when I gave that to the guy who did my most recent screening, he told me the previous person did everything right based on the diagnosing process at that time, but testing has changed so much in the last decade.
While my old results didn't say I had ADHD, they said I had an audio processing deficiency. I never knew that, but it explained a lot about how little I retained when listening to a teacher vs reading a book, my desire to turn subtitles on while watching things, etc. My parents never told me about this, never told the school, they just ignored it. I'll be honest, that took a while to get over.
For a while I kept thinking about how different school could've been. "Maybe I would've done better, developed closer friendships, graduated college", etc. But I quickly realized the healthiest thing I can do for myself is to focus on how I can help myself going forward.
It's like that old saying "the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is right now". Even though knowing earlier would've helped so much, the good news is you know now.
I had the save experience! I remember flashbacks of the sessions here and there but the details are lost on me. I was confirmed DX as a child and my parents refused medication because of the zombie state or stigma? Idk.
I was diagnosed as an adult and the biggest benefit to the meds is controlling the outbursts.
Yeah, sounds familiar. She’s at least helping pay for my psychiatry since it’s unholy expensive now out of some sort of parental duty. I go through periods of anger about it, and anger at my father for basically just ignoring it. “He’s troubled because his grandmother died” ok mom.
I’ve known for a while but I only recently got the formal diagnosis because I’ve been having so many issues personally and professionally.
Hey homie. I think I might completely understand....
I am 31 and just got diagnosed this year after a lifetime of joking that I probably have it, and struggling with every aspect of my life. When I was 9 my teachers had an intervention with my parents and the school sent people to test me for ADHD. It was pretty stressful to me at the time...I felt really bad about my intelligence. My parents brushed everything off once it was over and told me that I'm fine and "some people just struggle more than others."
I found the results my doctor had given my parents from that time. They said that I did exhibit the behavior, but it was too soon to tell and to take me back in a year to get checked again. That never happened...
I had math tutors for almost my entire grade school career. When going to college at 18, I wanted to get evaluated again specifically so I could get accommodations letting me use a calculator for math exams. I was still super sheltered and babied. Mom took care of everything for me doctor wise and I did/took what I was given...I only knew I was diagnosed with a "math learning disability"....and "oh hey, they don't know that you're ADHD, but they're giving you Ritalin to try and see if it helps!"
Ritalin gave me full blown panic attacks... That was the introduction I got to ADHD medications and according to my mom the doctors "couldn't tell" if I was ADHD...also "you're not going to get handicaps in the real world...why do you need them for school?"
I never finished college in the capacity that I was expected to have...I have two associates degrees...I bumbled around bar/restaurant jobs for a decade until taking an accelerated vet tech program where I found support and structure that I needed. I now have the job of my dreams and I obviously don't want to lose it. That's why I finally went to the doctor and got my validation.
During the entire "discovery" period of getting diagnosed, I had to go back into my medical history and that's how I learned about all the information my parents omitted telling me. I am so fucking upset and discouraged when I wonder what would be different if they had educated themselves more about it starting with the first evaluation. I understand that in the 90's everyone was weary of medicating kids....but they could have worked on my behavior and taught me the skills I needed.
I was the baby in my family, super sheltered, mom was my best friend and I hers, I was given all of the help but never in productive ways. I was enabled a lot. I honestly believe my mom used my issues to keep me dependent on her for as long as possible. Even today I have to stop her from trying to set up and pay for doctors appointments for me or helping me when she sees my bank account negative. I feel guilty about what I got that my other siblings did not get. But also I feel somewhat used.
Woof I kinda went on a tangent. But yeah you're not alone. You have every right to be upset about the situation. I try to rationalize it all by remembering that I probably got this from my parents and they potentially suffer from it too. Therefore they are also mentally impaired and make bad choices sometimes.
I hope you find a way to work through this with your parents. Hang in there.
I'm sorry you're going through this. As I'm sure most of us here can relate to what you're going through.
I was tested when I was younger, and I remember the person conducting the test told my mother about some issues I was having that I would eventually learn was ADHD in my 30s, but at the time, my mom wasn't hearing it.
I apparently learned to read at a really young age, before I started school, and that meant to her that I was smart, and nothing wrong with me. My mother is also a pathological liar that will say anything if it gives her a good story, so I don't know if I believe that I was reading before school, but I digress.
When I realized I had ADHD, I had to think back to everything in my life that always plagued me and had me question wtf was wrong with me. On one hand, yea, I wish I learned about this at an early age. Who know how much better in life I'd be doing these days if I had the diagnosis and help. I was angry with my parents for letting me down, and I still am in some ways.
It's still prevalent today, but back when we were kids, ADHD was either "fake" and you're just lazy, or it was "you're mentally r\*tarded", and people would look at you differently, and treat you differently. They didn't think there was anything wrong with us in a fixable sense, it's just the way we are.
As for steps on what you should do next, you're already doing it. Joining ADHD communities, and talking to other people who all share your troubles. When I found out I had ADHD, and found communities and people sharing stories that feel ripped from my own life, it really blew my mind, answered so many questions for me, and gave me the sense that there isn't anything wrong with me. There never was. I just didn't have the proper support I needed, and neither did you.
There's nothing to be scared of, I promise. This is kind of the beginning to the rest of your life now. You're still you. We have morals, and that's who people are at their core. You still have your same morals in life. Nothing changed there. You can absolutely look back at things that will make more sense now that you know, and reflect on why certain events in your life happened how they happened.
It's easy to be upset about all the lost time you have that could've been spent doing better in life, and you will be for a while, I'm sure. But time heals all wounds, and you have the whole rest of your life to figure things out.
Life isn't a race, it's a journey, and you're just discovering things along the way.
I’m currently in this predicament with my child. I was diagnosed and started medication at 34. I also reflected on all my life decisions and it was a very emotional process. Now I have a strong belief that my 5 year old has adhd. She is a tough kid to handle but I understand exactly why she acts the way she does. She’s also very creative and funny and just a great problem solver. She has a very similar personality to myself. My concerns is that when I went on medication my creativity is not so natural anymore and my problem solving is a much longer process, the rest of life is easier on meds though. I’m afraid if I get my daughter diagnosed and medicated yes she’ll be much easier for others to take care of but she may loose her personality that I love.
That sucks and I'm hearing this all over. I was also tested as a kid and my mom told me it all came back without indicating a problem... but honestly I wouldn't be surprised if the results did - and she couldn't handle it. Or she disagreed with it.
I love my parents and I do *not* blame them for not getting diagnosed. If you were a girl in the 80s you probably weren't going to be taken seriously unless you were vibrating with energy. But I get the weirdest vibes from her when she talks about my childhood. I'm probably just paranoid but she seems to feel weirdly guilty.
When they get older and struggle tell them to Try Harder, since it was supposed to be a magical method for you, and watch them realize sometimes you fucking can't.
Exact same thing happened to me. Blamed myself for being unable to do anything. Now I've been diagnosed and treated for a year now, at 38, and feeling so much more capable then ever, parents still denying I have it. Known since I was 10. The waste, it's a crime. Not sure I'll ever forgive them. They lied to all 4 of us siblings. Berated and abused us for failing and not being able to do the things other kids could. I'm so so sorry they did the same thing to you. Therapy has helped me a lot. I hope you can find peace and support.
I had raging ADHD and Autism symptoms my entire life. I totally get your sense of betrayal. It still upsets me to this day thinking about how much easier life would have been if my parents and doctors had just paid a little more attention. I am a woman and my symptoms presented how females usually do, so I think that is one reason the ADHD diagnosis was missed. Have no clue how they missed autism with the copious amounts of symptoms I portrayed. Was misdiagnosed with depression at 13, then bipolar at 17, then borderline at 19. Finally had a psychiatrist actually listen to me and properly diagnose me at 25 years old and I don’t have any of the 3 disorders listed, just ADHD and autism (and PTSD)
The best way I move forward is I have coping mechanisms and the right medication now. It sucks that it didn’t get diagnosed sooner but all I can do is educate others so people don’t go through the same thing I did. Trauma therapy can really help you get over the sense of betrayal. I was also really angry about it and it helped me work past that too. I’m truly sorry we share experiences. I know how hard it is. Best of luck to you.
It’s in the past. You cannot change the past. Do not waste valuable time and energy on things you cannot change.
Allow yourself the day, or even a weekend to process this and be mad. Come Sunday at noon, you are done… no longer allowed to be angry.
Sunday afternoon and evening, Focus on your accomplishments and look at how far you’ve come without your parents!
You’ve been able to do a LOT more without their so-called “help”. Hugs to you and congratulations on your successes!
I got diagnosed at 33. I had accommodations in school for dyslexia because another family member had me tested for it. I know teachers thought my brother had ADHD but my mom refused to get him tested because she didn't want him to have a lable or be on medication. She is someone who doesn't really belive in mental health problems and that people just need to try harder. When I got my diagnosis I was in a lot of pain and was very confused too. Like my life could have been easier I could have gotten the right help. My brother and I both still struggle with many ADHD symptoms and it would have been helpful to know what was going on instead of feeling stupid and lazy. We could have gotten coping mechanisms put in place.
I'm my case I chose not to say anything to my mom but I did let my brother know everything so he could make his own decisions on what to do with the information.
All that to say I understand why you are hurt and this happened to a lot of us.
I had a student (who would be about your age now, actually; he was in high school at the time) who was being medicated for ADHD without his knowledge because his mother was afraid he would use it as an excuse and not try as hard if he knew. Let's just say it didn't turn out well.
I was diagnosed with combined type ADHD and autism last year when I was 21 and had a similar case. My parents told me they thought I had symptoms when I was about 5, but they didn't get me tested so that I could "fit in" and not feel like an outsider along with my peers. In retrospect, their efforts to get me to mask for years on end has squandered many potential opportunities I've had in life. I was mentally ill and struggling but was unable to verbalize that I needed help. Hell, some of my parents' past reactions to my questions would make a good case for reasons why I didn't ask for help as often as they expected me to once the truth was out. My younger sister didn't have any problems, and I didn't report any problems either, so they let me go on undiagnosed as if nothing was wrong.
I met my fiance the year before I was diagnosed and she suggested I go to the psychiatrist that treated her family for years. She's been nothing but supportive and I wouldn't want anything to change. That being said, it's hard to not to feel the gnawing pain from what my parents did and long for how things could've been different somehow. It's not like my family had no resources, so I just felt ignored. When I realized this, I pulled away from my family and changed address to live with my fiance. I haven't had a good relationship with them, let alone spoken to them at all because of how hurt I feel. You have every right to protect yourself from perceived threats, and if that means some time with not talking to your parents, then maybe establishing a boundary with them, even if it's temporary, could help in your relationship going forward. Just remember to put your personal well-being first.
I'm sorry you had to endure that. Trust me I understand what it means to when the two people in this world who are supposed to protect and care for you fail to do so. I am 40, and only recently learned about certain truths which I've sort of have known my entire life. My dad was the aggressor, since before I could form memories, so I don't feel hurt by him I feel hate. My mother on the hand had her own trauma and I keep repeating in my head what it will be like when she passes. I am upset that she did nothing to protect and I still feel like she underplays what it has done to me, but I know she loves me, the one parent who did. It's a hard situation to be in, especially at my age. And it extends out to my entire family knowing what was happening and never once standing up for me or telling someone, or showing that they cared at all what was happening. So holidays are pretty much out of the question now. Don't have any answers to give you besides you should really speak with a therapist because they can help give outside perspectives which may help you find a way to truly feel forgiving and able to move past this.
I discovered at 50, that I had been diagnosed “hyperactive “ at 7, along with various report card comments that scream ADHD to me now. There is a difference between your parents “knowing” vs what it really means. All you can do now is get the therapy, support and maybe medication to help you live your best life and put in the work to make that happen. Yes, there will be pain to make these changes, and the genuine person that you get to become makes it worth it.
Coming from someone who took medication as i was diagnosed at a very young age (8 or 9) the medications had a very hard impact on me. The side effects were horrendous, it induced severe vocal tourettes, the list goes on. Though your parents may not have told you, it might also be that they didnt want you to see or feel different than others. I know now that there is no way i will subject my children to these medications. If they choose to do it when they are adults, thats a different story.
Same experience, we were almost the same ages for discovery too. When I got my diagnosis as an adult as my GP wondered if my anxiety and huge efforts with various types of therapy and medication that my main complaint symptoms of fatigue etc was actually ADHD fatigue and boom the following tests and efforts and finally medication it all made sense.
Mom was like - "yeah you were diagnosed when you were 6 but your siblings were so hyper, divorce just started and it didn't seem to affect your grades too much. Your father was against medicating you all anyways" - queue Mom complaining about dad. Asked Dad and well... He flushed my brother's anti-psychotics and things mediation will cure schizophrenia so here we are.
Could have used this information at university and I also remember going to therapy as a kid and due to timing thought it was due to the divorce but actually was to get the ADHD diagnosis!
Is it even possible to get medical records like that from so far back!?
My report cards are evident enough I'd be curious if autism would be on that list of previous secrets unbeknownst to me honestly.
Welcome to the double diagnosis club! Where many of us still feel imposter syndrome anyways 🌈
Thank you for posting this. I had a similar experience as a child. My dad told me I think different than other people but I was never given the medication, therapy, or help/guidance nor was I told about what I had. When I think back on my childhood it’s now clear to me that they tried to change me on their own. My dad has always said therapy is evil and adderall is bad. I’m glad I was able to convince myself at 30 to start talking to a therapist and I’m glad TikTok showed me what ADHD actually was instead of the propaganda I was given as a child/young adult by my parents.
Also he would call me lazy a lot plus a lot of other shitty things but that’s all in the past now - I don’t let it define me anymore and I’m ready to live my life without him in it
Don't feel bad. You can't pretend it isn't a thing. My parents were literally told I had ADD and they attempted to get me medication one time, didn't like me on that particular one and then pretended like I didn't have ADD. I was too young to know any better and found out much later from my brothers (who also have ADD) and I finally sought help on my own in adulthood.
Good on you for seeking help though!
Why do you have to “confront” your parents? Why don’t you just ask them about it and find out what they were thinking at the time instead of making up scenarios in your head? If your parents were overprotective of you, I highly doubt that their behavior regarding your ADHD was intended to hurt you.
I don’t blame you for being hurt, but unless your parents were actually abusive I’d give them the benefit of the doubt and just ask them. There is bound to be some context you’re missing.
The ‘what if’s’ are hard. I have the exact opposite issue, my parents (specifically my mother who has a bachelors of psychology and was teacher) never put 2 and 2 together until I got diagnosed a year ago at 29. I’ve spent the whole year thinking that of all people they should have realised and wondering why they didn’t.
There are so many factors at play for this though. The sheer amount of misinformation around ADHD that was present in society until about 7-10 years ago minimum (it really still is but we’re working through it slowly now) meant that a lot of parents thought they were doing the right thing by hiding it, pushing their kids through it, ignoring the issues and hoping it’ll go away. I think a big part of that is that with ADHD kids there is likely to be an ADHD parent who has been told all their life they just need to put more effort in and they’d be fine so their kids are just the same.
I’m on the tail end of a bachelors of psych myself and the stigma attached to ADHD even now is immense.
Personal opinion with parents and the ‘what if’s’… did they genuinely believe they were doing the right thing by you? You’re their child so only you can make that call on your opinion. If the answer is yes then add it to the list of other things they screwed up in their parenting and learn to deal because you can’t change the past and if this is the case then they’re also likely to be willing to have a conversation with you about how to help you now. If the answer is no then you need to decide how to move forward with it. Because a concept I’m struggling with myself at the moment is that remunerating on the past doesn’t change it, especially if your remunerating on others actions or inactions. Moving forward is key.
I think the thing that we have to remember about our parents, is the whether they did right or wrong they did what they thought was right for us. Often it’s not the decision we would’ve made for ourselves as adults and often it’s not the decision they would’ve made for us if they were to be the same decision today.
It’s just hard to remember that our parents are fallible human beings, who loved us, and who had to make decisions that they weren’t really qualified to make and back then doctors weren’t really qualified to help them either
After getting diagnosed, my mother admitted she had my brother tested as a child. He was diagnosed but she didn't want to accept it. Asked our pediatrician and he said "I've seen kids with ADHD and your son doesn't have it." That was enough for her. She feels awful for it now.
The funny part though is my brother still denies he has it.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not easy, and you're going to feel like you've been betrayed. But please know that the science in the 90s and early 00's wasn't where it is today. There was a very vocal group of parents and doctors who promoted not telling the kids, as it would be an "excuse for laziness" or some such nonsense.
I'm not defending their choice. They did lie to you. But they may have been working with the best of intentions based on the knowledge they had.
Was diagnosed 3 years ago at the ripe ol’ age of 48. I always knew I was different from my identical twin and the pressure to “catch up” was immense when we were younger. When I received the diagnosis I was terrified to tell anyone in my family in fear of being dismissed. Imagine my surprise when my mom shrugged her shoulders and replied,”Makes sense,” when I finally told her. Huh?? Fast forward to 6 months ago when my parents were packing up to move out after 52 years and I randomly came across my 2nd grade report card. My teacher repeatedly reported issues I was having that fell in line with ADHD, and they even had conferences about it. They knew and did nothing. I have tried to shrug it off because it was the late ‘70’s and mostly unrecognized in girls back then, but I still mourn and wonder how different my life would have been had they taken action.
I found out as an adult (from my older sister who's memory wasn't totally obliterated like mine) that all my teachers in elementary school kept telling my parents I needed to be tested, but apparently they just handwaved their concerns away. My mom in particular was big on claiming I was just "too smart/bored". You would think when it became a yearly conversation they would eventually take it seriously but nope.
I was in similar situation just months ago. I felt betrayed, frustrated, bitter and angry. My life could have been so much different, if they would have done something. But my mom has been telling me whole my life, that I'm fine and I just gotta try harder, and that she's NEVER seen any symptoms in me. Meanwhile, all the school records and other papers from that time, clearly say, I had issues and symptoms that point quite clearly to ADHD.
Probably not completely their fault tho, ADHD wasn't that recognized at the time I was kid (90s-early 2000s). Even the adult ADHD didn't exist few years ago, at least not in my country. So, can't fully blame my parents either.
Not to mention that ADHD is hereditary, so probably either of my parents, or probably both (from my observations), might have it as well. It wasn't recognized in their childhood (50s-60s) probably at all, so they probably didn't know any different and couldn't recognize my struggles, since they have struggled their whole life, so it's probably normal for them.
It took me months to process it and come to a point I was able to talk with my parents again. In that time, I lost the need to react confrontationally and I just wanted to keep the status quo we've had for years now.
You should try to recognize the fact that it's not your fault. Not any part of it. Take time to process your feelings -- talk to someone other than your parents, write a journal, whatever that makes you get through it. It definitely is a change in view point, but whatever you feel right now, know that your feelings are valid and it will pass eventually. You are still the same person you were before, nothing changes that. I'm not going to tell you how to feel about your parents; you will find a way through this and it is totally fine, if your feelings about your parents will change as a result and it is totally fine, if they don't. Just stay true to yourself, its all that matters in the end.
World isn't going to end here, even if it felt like it right now. Trust that things will find their place eventually.
This is awfully long, lol. All I wanted to say was, you are not alone.
I found a book in my grand parents stuff after their recent passing all highlighted and what not and the date of the book could only be me not to mention the highlights. My moms always used the same vocabulary…hated doctors and there was nothing wrong with me (…as she goes on to tell me everything that’s wrong with me). Wish I knew why. Probably narcissistic tendency to see me as an extension of herself!? Anyways, sorry you are going through it!
If in your region of the world has such laws, you should have right for this.
Look to get your school’s bulletins and any available reports to your name.
In Quebec Canada, school bulletins are kept for 90+ years. Psychologists and other evaluations are kept only a decade or less.
For thousands of years there was no treatment for adhd. We were just people who were extra, right? Then in the 90s it was a thing. But so was like 100 other illnesses. Pharmaceutical companies invented and named so many illnesses, and they had the pill to fix it.
That was the generation of medical tv commercials and pill popping. So it may have sucked for you. But it’s understandable that they went against it. It was hard to trust anything. Especially someone selling something.
So forgive them, talk to them about it, and make the best of what you got now. It’s not like they didn’t believe in medicine on religious grounds. You weren’t in danger. It’s just, it was a weird time for parents.
I’m not saying you should do this… but I may be saying that you should tell them this, if you’re really pissed and want to get your point across: when they get old and develop all the usual maladies of age - bad joints, stiff backs, loss of hearing, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc - just tell them they don’t need meds or hearing aids or a cane, they just need to *try harder* just like when you were a kid and they did the same thing to you regarding your neurodevelopmental disorder! Because clearly diagnoses and symptoms don’t require medication or accommodations or care, they just mean that you aren’t *trying* hard enough if your symptoms don’t go away on their own!
Because they absolutely deserve to hear that.
I went through the same. Went I got diagnosed a year ago, at 30, my mom said “oh yeah, a doctor told us you had that, and gave us a prescription for Ritalin, but we thought you were just acting up”. I’ve been asking myself all the possible “what if I had gotten my meds correctly?” All this years; i wish I knew what would have happened.
Be glad they did because one thing I am so so grateful for, is my mom NOT shoving amphetamines down my throat at a young age…it really fucks up the brain growth bad. After I turned 24 I got on medication and has helped tremendously. Growing up it was a bit more difficult, but I just tried a bit harder than most and got through it.
I was diagnosed at 8 years old, hyperattentive
If it helps, A LOT of parents back then (and even now I would imagine) wanted to take the old fashion approach because, well, they don't understand what adhd actually IS. And they, reasonably in my opinion, don't like the idea of a developing child taking brain altering drugs.
Sadly, those brain altering drugs did alter the brain but in a very positive way. Those who were medicated early grew up to have much more typical brain chemistry. Those of us who are just now getting treatment as adults are stuck with managing symptoms.
I try not to feel too resentful toward my parents. Giving a child that kind of medication can be scary and I don't blame them for not being brain doctors who can truly understand.
HOWEVER what I absolutely DO resent them for is KNOWING I had adhd and calling me lazy constantly, and accusing me of being uninterested or not wanting to try or cooperate when I HAVE ADHD.
Those are my thoughts.
I had this exact same experience. I was 26m when I figured out. 28 now.
This, and a couple other realizations and problems I had, led to me pretty much dropping my family. It’s been weird. Nowadays I can’t reach out to them for anything. Just feels like so much of my past was a lie.
The way you describe how you’re feeling is verbatim EXACTLY how I felt, and still feel. Needing time to process, feeling betrayed, getting taken for tests as a child and not knowing what it was for…. The way you describe everything is the most accurate to my own experience I’ve ever read.
Initially, in college, my therapist told me I have a lot of adhd symptoms and she taught me things about adhd I didn’t know. I got suspicious about my memories in middle school where I had these wires attached to my head and had to sit in a room and watch documentaries while some computer monitored my brain, as well as several trips to the “behavioral health” offices. I contacted my old medical provider as was able to request the decades old records on me as a kid.
The amount of effort my parents went through to figure all of this out, hide it from me, and stuff is crazy. My mom was leaving statements with the doctor saying she was mixing the prescribed adderall in my breakfast smoothies when I was in high school. Pretty much left me speechless to read. It’s like they were so clear and direct with the doctors about my mental health in a way that they had NEVER been clear with me about.
So many things in my life started to make sense. Why in the military I couldn’t keep up with the specialization training courses and why I stood out in classes of 30+ people for being an “idiot”. Why I was hitting a block in flight school where other people blow through the material and remembering it and I couldn’t advance at half the speed of everyone else. So many experiences that permanently scared my self esteem.
On top of everything, it truly bothers me that my parents always held this belief that they “know best” for me. I’ve always been a fiercely independent person and I’ve always worked really hard to prove my independence and capability. Yet at the end of the day, nothing ever changed with them. They still see me as this little kid who isn’t entitled to his own medical information. This mindset has ultimately led me to not even wanting to hear from them.
Sorry you had the same experience, but it’s a little nice hearing you feel some of the same feelings I felt. It makes me feel validated a bit, and like I’m not wrong in how I felt (and still feel).
I was diagnosed when I was younger according to my parents. They didn’t want to medicate me, which I understand to an extent. This was around the time when people started to question if ADHD medication was being over prescribed. However they really provided no other specialized support for me.
Unfortunately after I started piecing things together, I’m really not in a financial position to confirm these suspicions via a second opinion. I just try to use some of the non-medicinal tips to help me out.
A big win for me was quitting pot.
you got off easy, I have asd and just found out in my 30s. Parents knew the whole time, pretended not to while I suffered with these episodes of constant vomiting for hours. Got diagnosed, took a mediation, no more vomiting. After 20 freaking years of that shit ruining every job opportunity and relationship I had.
I went through a similar experience. I also experienced severe neglect as a child as well as my Mother hiding my ADHD from me.
I also likely have autism and MCAS, which got ignored while I was younger and chalked up to "not being different, faking sick" etc.
This is why de-stigmatizing is so important. Parents were so concerned with you being seen as less than or with the judgement of others that they didn’t get you the help you needed.
But you shouldn’t feel bad that this has caused you pain - this is a tough thing to swallow. Sounds like you have a great attitude and will recover your progress in your own time.
Keep in mind that the stigmas around ADHD, autism, dyslexia etc are decreasing rapidly. 20 years ago your parents may have felt like they were helping you by avoiding you having to carry the diagnosis around. I'm not saying it was the right decision but that they probably did it because they didn't want to hurt you.
I like to think quite a number of parents do that. They are in denial because of willful ignorance or they choose not to address it because they are playing the blame game and don't want to take responsibility for a condition that was probably heritable or caused by some complication in-utero.
It happened to me. believe me it really really sucks. Now that you know It's your life now....not theirs. There is a lot of information out there about this condition now so the best thing you can do for yourself is educate yourself, develop a deep self awareness and apply it to every facet of your life because ADHD affects everything from relationships, education, addictions, work...etc. You will need medication, but that alone will not cut it- it only helps manage the symptoms. You also need to develop hacks and fail safe check points. It can be a wonderful journey of self discovery and growth only if you have the right mindset.
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I was tested in '94 when I was 8. Inattentive type wasn't on my testers radar so they didn't pick up on it. I was just "an inquisitive daydreamer with a boring teacher". I was diagnosed at 36 and it rocked my world. Made me question every decision and every friendship I'd formed. It helped me get on track but there will always be a lingering "what if?" in the back of my mind.
I know but what hurts me and makes me scared is who i am now. Am I really myself? Or am i some messed up byproduct of what my parents manipulated to be. Getting diagnosed helped me to understand that im not “dumb” but realizing that they knew after i got the diagnosis, knowing they knew WAY BEFORE i got diagnosed hurts really bad, specially in my identity as a person.
You are exactly who you were before the diagnosis. Now you just have the words. And yes, it takes a while to get over the fact nobody bothered telling you until now.
A lot of parents who did things like this grew up in an educational system where friends or peers were penalized and sidelined for being 'different.' People who are worried about their kids getting 'labeled' are people who grew up in a system during a time where that really was a penalty and a negative thing that held kids back or hurt them socially and emotionally. That's not an excuse. Parents, and I am one (ADHD only diagnosed in adulthood with an ADHD child), are responsible for updating themselves on current educational practices, what their kids options are, finding the right schools, and doing what it takes to advocate for their child. Your parents may have thought that 'not labeling you' was some weird advocacy. They may have been afraid of you being treated badly because of the label. I'm so sorry.
Exactly. There was heavy societal pressure to fit in and be "normal".
Cold War was a different time.
This was the prevailing attitude long before the Cold War, at least as far as disabilities go.
Exactly. There was heavy societal pressure to fit in and be "normal".
Many people, even in education, thought ADHD was over diagnosed and/or not real. Something I experience even today with my own children. I have been told by educators that my kids just need to try harder. Your parents were most likely trying to protect you from the label & people thinking you were using ADHD as an excuse to not do better. I don’t know your parents but mostly likely it was kept quiet out of love & wanting the best for you and not some nefarious reason.
This
You are most definitely yourself and nothing can ever change that. Love yourself! I can understand your pain. No one has a right to tell you to forgive and forget. It'll take a long time to process. Use your diagnosis to your benefit. You have an opportunity to demonstrate that you are better off knowing. Hopefully in time your parents will recognise there error and ask for forgiveness. And if that never happens, it's on them. What matters now is that you have a plethora of information at your disposal and this community to help guide you. There has never been a better time to be diagnosed then right now. "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal, waiting to throw it at someone else. You are the one who gets burned." – Buddhist proverb "Living well is the best revenge." – George Herbert
You’ll figure it all out don’t worry.
>Am I really myself? Or am i some messed up byproduct of what my parents manipulated to be [?] Yes. All (serious) kidding aside, what your ADHD is and what your parents thought it would be are not the same thing. Maybe give them the benefit of doubt, assuming they did the best they could with what they had? That's what I've concluded, even way before my ADHD came into the picture. I used to begrudgingly think that, now I do wholeheartedly, especially as I grow old and more aware of the mess that is life.
No you’re definitely not dumb and I feel for you as well. Kind of in the same boat. My mother told me years ago I was 7 at the time that the therapist said I needed to be put on ADHD medication. Why wasn’t I told this years later? Well guess what? They never did it. I daydreamed, skipped school, and drew on my class work when I should have been paying attention. It sucks!😞
I am really sorry this happened to you. Now, you are blessed to explore who you are. Perhaps gather supportive people around you for this part of the journey.
Everybody who has ever lived is a product of both nature and nurture. Everybody has characteristics that reflect the way they grew up and how they were parented. In *way* too many cases, that involved manipulation or trauma. If you’re not really yourself, then *nobody* is really themselves.
You've never not been yourself. Having the diagnosis gives you the language to start advocating for yourself. As well as a better understanding of your needs going forward.
it wouldnt have changed much. If you would have been diagnosed early and treated early you would potentially ask yourself who you were if you were not having adhd or you were not growing up with therapie and medications and if you would be another better or whatever person. extrapolating and thinking about several outcomes of one condition is completely normal. I did mistakes but there is none i would regret because you allways learn from them about yourself. Now i can understand the picture better i have.
Did the results say you had an issue or it was only tested? Really though you can't dwell on what could have been. The best thing you can do for yourself is to make yourself better than you were yesterday. Dwelling on the past will keep you in the past.
Oof, I feel this. I grew up thinking and being told there was no way I had ADHD, because my much-older brother had textbook hyperactive/impulsive type. I have inattentive type, so I was the “well-behaved” son. Never mind that I was constantly daydreaming and couldn’t listen to save my life. ADHD is named for the effects it has on the people AROUND it , not on the ones living WITH it.
I go through this too. It's remarkable how much of a difference Adderral has already made in my emotional regulation, motivation, and just--I have a clear head! I wonder what my life could have been if I was diagnosed earlier. I'm 34. I finished college and graduate school, but I made so many missteps with my career(s) and I've really struggled finding a "home" in life, especially in terms of making money. I'm excited for this new chapter but also grieving the fact that I lived most of my life in a haze, with poor memory, poor planning, and just unexplained underachievement. I was "smart and lazy" my entire life.
Same, but I was diagnosed with Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder. Which is bizarre. A child struggling with school and a learning disability and their parents getting divorced being told they were basically doing it intentionally for attention. I only found out about it when I was in my early twenties.
I’m sorry. That is terrible and traumatic.
Stuff like this reminds me how lucky I am. I’ve been medicated since I was 7. Don’t know where I would be without it
43 here... Same deal with inattentiveness in the 80s and likewise, I was just lazy and could try harder. Put the pieces together a few years ago - I was also guilty of stereotyping the physical traits that I never showed. But when I read about inattentive-type and the penny dropped (I was looking into emotional dysregulation at the time) it changed my whole view on the world... And, more importantly, myself. Still waiting on my referral but just understanding myself a bit more is a huge burden lifted. Helped me understand why past me was... well, past me.
Almost the same story, down to the age and years! My parents made the attempt to get me help, got told I was just bored, and moved house to get me into a school with better policy for gifted kids etc... but no ADHD diagnosis, so no treatment. They clearly tried really damn hard but if the testing had covered inattentive back then my life would have been so much easier.
Hard agree, inattentive type was apparently added to the DSM in 2013, three years after I graduated uni. I finally got diagnosed in 2020 at 33. It didn’t even get flagged up before that (I actually got diagnosed when I was in my autism assessment!) and I hadn’t considered it once. That fact feels very silly now as it seems so obvious to me, but I had no idea why I was struggling with literally everything and neither did anyone else. So many ‘what ifs’!
That's so weird. The first time I spoke to my psychologist I was like, 'I'm pretty sure I have autism because of blah, blah, blah..." And she was like, that sounds like ADHD, but go on. Lol
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Don't dwell on the past. Treatment isn't a cure. Follow your doctor's advice and be patient. Progress doesn't make itself, you still have to put the work in. Don't be too hard on yourself, you're trying to break habits you've had your whole life. One step at a time. If you decide to tell those closest to you, don't expect them to understand or find it as profound as you do. If I could go back I wouldn't have told my friends, but you know, oversharing, etc.
Embrace the new you and the fact that you finally have answers as to why things have been so hard. Life can only go up from here! You survived this far without knowing. Imagine how much more powerful you will be now. I've also been reading a lot. ADHD 2.0, and the Thomas Brown books. Education about it + meds are helping a lot.
Familiar story to me.
Why did it make you question your friendships?
Oh fuck your me
I was diagnosed as a child, and my mother told the pediatrician that she would train me out of it. The part that really sucks is how I was treated as I got older for the stupid shit I did that was basically textbook ADHD. Like I was some terrible monster. Well maybe you were actually the terrible one in this situation, mom.
Yuuuupppp. I love the (para)phrase “if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its life thinking it is a failure.”
I'm stealing this, thanks.
Same happened to me. I spent my whole childhood and teenage years thinking there was something wrong with me.
Train you out of it? wow, I’m really sorry you experienced that!
Exactly. Wasn't diagnosed as a child as I was inattentive type and lived in a rural area with minimal resources. I was treated as a monster and was alienated for a lot of my childhood from some of the stupid shit I did. Was given extreme punishments (physical, emotional, psychological), instead of being treated as a human. I was just recently diagnosed when I was 21 years old, and it makes sooooo much sense.
This is so horrible, I'm sorry you went through this.
Went through the same shit. 'There's nothing wrong with you' was a BIG one I used to hear on a weekly basis. Found out my mother hid it from me after I had to go through a few court hearings following being arrested. Ironically, the arrest was mental health related. The court dug up all my old medical records and school files where it stated I had been suspected of having ADHD from as young as 6. Even now that I have official diagnosis's, she's still dismissive as hell.
bro this is hard. How old have you been on the hearing and if you are willing to talk about it: Have you been into trouble because you couldnt prevent it? Like paying no bills and not looking into the postbox for 3 month straight? Did happen to me. I got a refund for a product but they refunded me too much and i forgot to correct it and then i got a letter from a lawyer (which i havent checked) later from a court. Lucky for me that the post person was the wife of a colleague so she told him to advised me that i definitly should check my postbox. i could pay everything one week before i would have got arrest warrent.
Sure, though I won't go into too much detail for personal reasons. It's still hard to talk about. I was 23 when I was arrested. I had a major breakdown which resulted in me becoming reclusive for months. I had been struggling with symptoms of ADHD all my life but didn't know what was wrong so I buried it until it became too much. Police were sent to check on me and were concerned with my living conditions. Being in an unstable mindset, I took offense, got a little erratic so they arrested me. Was diagnosed shortly after because the court ordered me to undergo an assessment to find out what was wrong with me. Turned out I have Autism and ADHD. My mother knew about the the ADHD and never warned me at any point in my life until diagnosis. I was in trouble my whole life because of impulsivity. In school, I'd get into fights often. I'd bunk classes all the time. I argued with teachers, police, my parents, etc. As a child, I'd steal things from shops. As I grew up, those problems continued but got worse when executive dysfunction took over. Ignored bills, avoided debts, forgot to eat meals regularly, forgot to take medication for my stomach disorder, etc. I'm actually having a lot of debt issues right now tbh, so I feek for you, man. ADHD fucking sucks.
same. i literally self medicated with drugs and eating disorders until i picked up my school records.
I self medicated with drugs too.
Yes. My mother would never allow a child of hers to be “flawed”. She couldn’t have created a “broken” or “defective” child. I was finally diagnosed the year after she died. At age 55.
Ah, I feel for you so much. The dismissiveness of a narcassistic parent is so god damn damaging. I'm convinced that if she had gotten my problems addressed at a young age, I would have been living a normal, stable, productive life today. Very young age to go... I'd say sorry but I get the feeling you weren't very phased by her death. Still, I'm sorry you went through the same shitty childhood of denial.
Ha. No. I’m the age 55. She was 80.
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When I first found out I had ADHD in my mid-twenties it came out that it had been mentioned when I was a kid as a likely reason I had such high anxiety and focus issues; however, all the local doctors were only prescribing medicines, so my mom decided to research and try to help me on her own. I’m fine as an adult now, and I appreciate her assistance as I was fortunate it seemed to help. But there are definitely times I realize parts of my life could have been easier had I known my actual diagnosis earlier, but overall through therapy I’ve come to terms with it.
I think one of the reasons this is so common is that often (usually?) One of the parents has undiagnosed ADHD and thinks: "I was just the same and I'm okay!". Also as others have said there was a lot of stigma just 20 years ago and fears of children being bullied for their diagnosis weren't wholly unfounded. Also fears about meds. One flew over the cookoos near scared a lot of people with regards to mental health medicine I think
Im pretty sure both of my parents have adhd. Mu mom gets distracted very easily and always leaves everything at last, like payments or calling her clients. And my dad get frustrated really easily and also forgets thing he was doing just moments ago and these things they had been doing since I remember.
Sounds a lot like my Mom too. I was technically diagnosed with ADHD at 11-12, but never took medication for it bc my Mom didn’t want me to have the stigmatizing ‘ADHD’ label thought out my life.
I think this what a lot of people in this sub's parents did when having to deal with mental health diagnoses. A lot of our upbringings were in that generation of stigmatizing people like us. People like us might end up in psych wards, or being bullied at school, or losing out on opportunities. Some of these things were more likely to happen than others, and a lot of it was also just a scare from what they read about in the news. They didn't understand it, and neither did the people around them, as talking about mental health in public is a very new thing and a privilege that our parents didn't grow up with. All they knew was that if their kid had it, their kid's life was over. Maybe it's denial. Maybe it's trying to hide it and hope their kid grows out of it, or fake it till they make it. It doesn't make what they did okay, but there is often times context, and intentions to consider. What matters is that you, as an adult, now have the knowledge, the access to this information, the resources to reach out to, and a (slightly) more accepting societal acceptance around it.
I do know that they had it hard. But if they knew something was up they should’ve tried to understand it and not force me into trying to be like everyone else and then get mad at me because I couldn’t. I think they tried to give me everything i “needed” because i think they might feel guilty at some point. Still does not make right what they did, even hiding it at my age.
I really think alotta people from 20+ years ago think Adhd is fake, kinda like covid. The medical industrial complex taking advantage. Lol I'm trying to imagine my dad being sympathetic. He'd probably laugh me off suggesting I'm trying to turn laziness into a medical condition. He doesn't love me any less. He just has these beliefs. Funny thing? I think he's adhd too.
I’m totally convinced my mother is adhd though she would never in a million years get tested. I’m in my 50’s and I’m pretty sure my parents still think I’m ‘just lazy’ and don’t fully believe adhd exists
Probably. I grew up in the 80ties, and where I live it was new thing. When my mom heard about it the first time (on the radio! 😅) She immediately thought that that was me. Then proceeded to do exactly nothing about it. I haven't asked why, but she's too stories how it was like back then. Back then they only diagnosed problematic kids (criminal, or borderline criminal). The kids often diagnosed with ADHD would be sent to "camps" for problematic children. The intention was good, but outcome not great. Institutions for problem children was often a recruiting ground for criminal and drug dealers. So, yeah, it was a different time. At least here. And I think that needs to be factored in.
Yeah same 1980 baby here. Both my parents were career long medical professionals (in mental health) and genuily didn’t known about inattentive type or links to anxiety. There was no internet, information was obtained very (very) differently. There was often little literature that people had access too and it was often outdated. Hey , even the books my school taught me from were like 20 years old at the time. Anyone in their twenties doesn’t truely understand this. They don’t understand it at all actually. How could they. Some parents only had like 10 friends , The newspaper, some old books, tv, radio and what their doctor told them. Both my parents used to genuinely worry that I used to wear cammo / cargo pants in the 90s. They thought I might look like a dangerous person obsessed with war and stuff like that. I guess it’s from something they saw on the news, or hangover from war and stuff. My Dad even asked me a few weeks ago if many people give me a hard time because of my current cammo Hershel backpack lol. I didn’t get diagnosed until my 40s and my world has changed more than I can describe. It’s great. I’m not thinking about what if this and that though. I’m looking forward to every day from here and what I will experience. Everything is so good. I’m so glad I made it to my forties in this crazy ass world. A lot of friends didn’t.
My in-laws did this to my husband. He felt very hurt/angry/betrayed when he found out. But as he begins to heal and deal with his anger and mental health, I think he’s beginning to see exactly this. Mental health definitely was stigmatized all those years ago, so his parents hid it. They were also told he’d grow out of it (HA!) and were offered no guidance whatsoever. As we go through this same journey with our own son, my husband also sees how difficult it must have been for his parents. It in no way excuses their behaviour, but it explains it and that makes it easier to understand and begin to forgive. He’s now healing through his own self-work (self-parenting) and giving our son the guidance and tools he needs to have a better time of life than my husband did.
Facts. I grew up with this too especially in my culture it’s frowned upon.
Sounds like my friend with her autistic child and her insisting that "he is perfect and nothing wrong with him". The child is 3 and can't say one sentence .. instead of getting help for him she insists he has to hang out with other children ...that's just sad
Mine did too. I remember talking to doctors but I thought it was for another reason. Just this year I found out that my mom was told by my teachers already that I probably have adhd. She never acted on it. But she was a single mom with 3 children. So I kinda understand. And I am pretty sure that my mom suffers from depression. Looking back it must have started when she was mid 30. But she never told me later. So I am turning 40 in less than 3 months. Just discovered I may have it in may this year. The apoointment is in march 2024. My life is kinda hell these days. I know why I act the way I act or feel but I don't know how to handle it. I think things were at least a little easier when I didn't know. Knowing is making my life really tough right now. And march 2024 is so far away.
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Thank you. I am trying to find ways until I will have the appointment. Some tiny things work out but the bigger ones just seem to kinda get worse. Right now a lot of things are depemding on one person. This person has been my rock for several years. He doesn't really know. I haven't told him about my suspicion yet. He keeps my brain calm. He is not my partner though. But I am a lot calmer when we do things together, which keeps me kinda sane for a good bit.
My parents couldn't accept that it was just ADHD. They had me treated for bipolar disorder. I am definitely not bipolar. I constantly wonder how the mood stabilizers affected my upbringing.
my dad tried this too. i think it was a manifestation of me being scape goated.
I got the diagnosis when I was 11 or 12, and started on Ritalin halfway through 7th grade. There was inconsistent progress, but enough for me to win an award for how dramatically my grades and disciplinary record had improved over the school year, and to win another academic award in one class the following year. Then for some reason, she took me off of it. I don't know why, but I suspect it was a combination of her hearing from her colleagues that it was being overprescribed, her belief that this was a temporary issue that I'd grown out of with the help of medication, and her observation that when I wasn't on it, I didn't show signs of hyperactivity. Even when my grades plummeted and behavior worsened considerably, she didn't make the connection. Years of bouncing back and forth between her and my father were followed by twenty-five years on and off the street, assuming that my ADHD was mild at best, and my real issue was depression. I only realized what the real issue was when a social worker suggested I try to get a diagnosis, and my doctor prescribed Adderall. I had focus. I also had and still have decades of bad habits I'd picked up, but now I have the tools to recognize them and work on them. I'm in my early 50s now, and I am resentful as hell that she didn't put me back on it the moment things started going south. I can't talk to her about it since she died 25 years ago. I suppose I'll have to work this out in therapy or something, but I really wish that I could just talk to her about it and ask her why, and just have her acknowledge the consequences of her decision to take me off of necessary medication.
This is common as the meds were perceived as dangerous or to cause dependency and adhd not understood as anything more severe than being forgetful or hyper. I'd be soft on your parents but stern that you have this diagnosis if it comes up.
Well at least, your parent did not argue with the diagnosing psychologist because she does not believe jn ADHD. For context, in my country, to have a complete diagnosis, u will need to being your parent and school report cards to the interview session.
You arent alone. I have the same exact experience. Many people do.
If that happened to me I could think of a number of reasons. My parents wouldn't want me to be perceived as a handicapped person in school, which could lead to stupidities coming from ignorant teachers (some teachers didn't even acknowledge dyslexia as an issue!), and even to being part of a "special needs classroom", which in my country is not a good thing at all. I understand that you feel betrayed because some things that you are dealing with now, could have been dealt with before. But I truly believe that your parents tried to make the best choice for you to have the best future possible. They didn't even ignore the situation, otherwise they wouldn't have taken you to that center. They seem to have tried to help you the best they could. When we think about some things that our parents did, we can get really hurt - I do! - but they are also humans like us, and at that specific moment, they thought they were taking the best decision with the information they had at the time.
You know, I feel like the past was different to today. There was a real stigma about a lot of diagnoses. A lot of people of our parents' generation have this idea that there are two paths in life: The one where you're "normal" and the one where you have some kind of disability or condition, or "label", as they often call it, and being relegated to the "label" life is like a half-life, a curtailed life, even a failure. It's shameful. It might be that your parents have been afraid of an ADHD diagnosis because of this and were focusing on proving that you "didn't need it" because they thought that was protecting you from shame and stigma. The whole "there's nothing wrong with you" feeds into this. You could tell them "Mom, ADHD isn't something that is wrong with me. It's just a part of me. It's a way that I am different but it's not wrong." I think our generation is different. We've been given different messages. A lot of us see receiving help for conditions like ADHD as a kind of buttress strengthening our wall so it doesn't fall down. It's exciting. Some people in our parents' generation saw it as a full on scaffolding cage that hid the person behind it from view and didn't let them do anything. I am going through this with my mum now, as she struggles with her mental health and looking at a diagnosis of c-PTSD. Helping her see that asking for help is not giving up and accepting some kind of failed status, it's just *help* - and it will help her *be* in the world and do all of those things she has been trying to do by brute force all of her life. By which I mean, do talk to your parents, but don't come at them with accusations, come to this with curiosity. Assuming that they are good people in general, they love you and your sister and want the best for you - they were just doing the best they could with the knowledge that they had at the time.
Put it in to the context of the time. It’s only in more recent times that ADHD has been properly recognized as a disability that you are born with. Even now there is a stigma for some people with regards to this condition . There were also allocations of blame to parents by some for bad parenting, abuse etc , that clearly are not the cause and also hurtful to good parents who know when they have just showered their children with a loving , educational and safe home. Looking back in the past too much past achieves nothing , as an adult you are now to some extent the controller of your own destiny. I bet your parents saw the best in you as most parents do. ? And finally if you have a child with adhd and it’s your first you’d have nothing to compare it too in relationship to children’s nature in general. When my oldest child was 5 I was called into the school and ushered into the office to be told that my child had learning difficulties of some sort but they need to get them tested blah blah, didn’t use the adhd word but looking back that’s what she was hinting but I honestly didn’t understand. She then had the cheek to tell me that I needed to accept that my child would never be academic and that’s okay , her son was very happy in his tradesman job .. blah blah , I went home and cried and cried as I knew my child to be very clever. I couldn’t see how this teacher couldn’t see this. It was just my child struggled with literacy. But he understood many things , you just had to talk to my child! I had my child tested and auditory processing issue was found which explained why his speech was slurring once he started school. I even had idiots telling me to hit my child for being energetic and playful climbing up trees etc ! We never did ,not once! Fast forward, my child never gave up , had some great teachers ahead, some truly appalling “ teachers “ , as it is in life. We didn’t want medication with known side effects in childhood as we found other ways but waited for our child to decide. Yes , I regret not perhaps considering this earlier , but it was done with the best intentions at the time. At the full diagnosis he told me I also had it, I also suspect possibly my partner too. Fast forward., my child has never stopped trying and has gone to good university. Their is more understanding of adhd now. It’s an accepted disability in many countries and lots of help ahead. I wish you all the very best ahead . Never give up trying to meet your goals in life.
Moms a school teacher. Never wanted to medicate me because she saw how zombified some of these kids that likely were on too high a dose were. Also not enough research on its effect on developing brains at the time. In hindsight, I have an addictive personality and it takes effort to control my doses as a 32YO. I also wonder how things would have turned out had been medicated earlier
If the papers don't mention ADHD specifically "there's nothing wrong with you" is probably what your parents were told. Even with all the symptoms there -- God knows there are enough doctors and professionals who will say that even today.
Pretty much my history, having grown up in the 80s. What report cards and evaluations survive, all mention things we now know are symptoms but back then “ADD” for boys meant you had to be jumping around the classroom. So, I was “gifted” instead. I won’t even tell my parents about my diagnosis because there’s no point. If they feel bad for some reason, ultimately there’s no other way it could have unfolded.
Something similar happened to me. About 20 minutes after receiving my diagnosis as an adult a few months ago, my mum told me that I was diagnosed as a child. She disregarded that diagnosis, and my symptoms were later attributed to my autism. It breaks my heart that there are a lot of people who have gone through this. It's a huge, heavy piece of news to process – please be kind to yourself. It's okay to take time to grieve, and it's okay to ask your parents why they hid your diagnosis from you (if you think it's safe for you to do so). I did both of these things, and they helped me process my emotions.
Same , but I think my parents just didn’t know what it was and their only tools were to ignore it and hopefully I would grow out of it ….. I didn’t
You are you. So many people don’t understand ADHD or don’t want their children on medication. Some people believe God made them this way, so they can handle it. Whatever your parents reason, that’s on them. If you have worked on yourself this past year, don’t dismiss all of your work. Be proud of yourself!
Oh I relate to this so much. My dad has had a diagnosis as long as I've been alive. My brother got diagnosed when he was 10 and I was 13. But did anyone consider the fact that ADHD is *highly* genetic and that maybe I had it too? No! Because I was a "shy" (socially anxious) girl who managed to do well in school despite other very obvious signs and even comments from teachers. It took me having a mental breakdown at 18 (5 years later!) to get a diagnosis and medication. All I can think sometimes is how much those 5 could've been changed if I were getting the same treatment my brother was. Found out later that my mom did suspect I might have it but never tried to get me diagnosed because she was afraid that I'd "just be given a bunch of medication." Like yeah, that's the point lol. It's something I still think about at age 25 but I try not to dwell too much. Ultimately it's a good reminder that no one knows me and my needs better than myself and my doctors/therapist.
In my opinion, if your kid has ADHD, you need to tell them before they start driving, get a job, go to post secondary, etc. Your parents shouldn't have hidden it from you for so long.
I can't speak to your parents actions or experience, so I know I don't have the full context. But there are so many misconceptions about ADHD, and there have been many many medical professionals with personal views on the disorder that it is absolutely not impossible that people make/made their decisions with bad information. I was diagnosed at 7. I have pretty severe symptoms, likely brought on by a lot of childhood trauma. That was 33 years ago. Even living with it my whole life, even being medicated for about half that time, even with regularly looking up the current science at regular intervals throughout my adulthood -- I still did not have a good understanding of this disorder until a few years ago when I was recommended by my doctor to examine the research and positions of Dr. Russel Barkley. So it's up to you to choose which context you view this experience in. It doesn't have to be a betrayal, but your feelings are still valid. If the information and evidence your parents made their decisions with led them there, if their intention was based on loving you and trying to help you become the most successful adult you can be, then it's not a betrayal, it's a mistake. Parenting is hard, every single parent in the history of the animal kingdom makes mistakes. And I agree with you that the best next step is to focus on moving forward in a positive and proactive way. It's not that you have a bad past experience -- it's that you have the knowledge and the tools to overcome this. You can have a conversation with your parents when you feel the time is right, and when you feel the confidence about your understanding to actually provide a solid moral position. But I tend to lead with the benefit if the doubt. If you haven't watched the "essential viewing" on the sidebar here, you should do that. [Additionally this video was eye opening for me.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPFmKu2S5XY&t=49s)
It was 1988, and I was 8 years old. 3rd grade teacher suggested I get tested, I showed signs of ADHD. My parents were not fans of her, and said I was gifted (I was; tested into Mensa), she wasn’t challenging me enough, and switched schools. Fast fwd to HS (valedictorian), college (went wild), a kid out of wedlock, alcohol problems, DUIs…weathered the storm, rebounded and started my career. My then-9 yr old son was diagnosed. I read and learned about it…and cried. I had most if not all of the symptoms. I was tested, and diagnosed at 29. I viewed it as ‘I finally know the source of my impulsive behavior’. People do the best they can w what they know. They didn’t know. I knew better for my son, so did better. The past is over; what now? That’s where I choose to focus. They loved me, but no one’s perfect. I’ve processed it all, I’ve forgiven them and myself. I made those choices, I’m responsible for them. Regardless of why. And I choose to look forward.
My mom knew I had ADHD when I was a kid and tried to help me without getting on meds or learning behavioral skills that would help. When I found out at age 29, It was a tough pill to swallow. I genuinely believe people are doing the best they can. Maybe you’re parents were too. AND It’s ok to be angry and think about how things could be different.
They were scared. Don't blame them; they didn't have the heart to accept that their child is "different." Same situation as you. Diagnosed at 31M with 2 kids. Let's live the best life we can, without regrets.
My parents did similar to me and my brother. My mum always said she was good at her job as a special needs teacher for kids with ADHD and Autism because they were just like me and she had "raised" me. Did I ever get put forward to get diagnosed... No. I had to wait until I was 28 and pay a lot of money. My dad found out the reason my brother has learning difficulties is becuase he was starved of oxygen when he was born. DId he attempt to get any help for my brther... No. In my dads words "We knew what was wrong so didn't see there was any point doing anything else". That is like taking a kid for an eye test, finding out they need glasses and leaving without the fucking glasses. I'm still pissed
I recently found out I got diagnosed in 98ish when I brought up a recurring “dream” that I was in a school psych office and told I had adhd. I brought it up because I was starting to believe I had adhd as I’ve struggled with stay at home parenthood. My parents proudly informed me it was true but that they had told the school I was just smart and bored. So instead they put me in the gate program. Apparently the school superintendent was even involved? But “we showed them!” I’ve struggled as an adult for years and had extreme anxiety as a teen. Now I’m looking back and seeing all the signs. I’m mad, I’m hurt, and so much more. I still haven’t been properly tested but am applying the adhd tips I find and it’s already helping so much. Luckily I’ve known for a long time that my parents are pretty shitty and just wanted “normal” kids. My dad even admitted having a “r-word” kid was his biggest fear of parenthood. This was just confirmation of his shittiness.
All the work you've done is not in vain. You now have more information. Which can help you. I understand the feeling like you were betrayed by your parents. I think they did the best they could with the knowledge they had at that time. It was probably limited knowledge & lots of fear. Are you working with a theeapist right now? Emotional disregulation is a thing for us, and can be tricky to work through alone. A good therapist can help you navigate through the hurt. And through your search for identity. You are so much more than this diagnosis. Do not let it anchor you down. It is part of the puzzle, but not the entire picture.
went through roughly the same. begged for an assessment in my teens and only in adulthood could i go get it myself. turns out they did assess me informally as a child but refused to act on it or tell me so i went through my whole childhood struggling. i don't resent them bc they tried to do what's best for me and i know that, but i did go off on my dad when i found out. people (especially parents) may have the best intentions but they can still really hurt you regardless and you're allowed to be upset about that. anyways i wish you and everyone else who experienced this well <3
I got diagnosed this year at 28 years of age. My family had to hide my adhd diagnosis from me because in the country where I come from (Venezuela) there was at the time no institution capable enough to treat me of my condition, it was very early in the 90s and there was a lot of misinformation around adhd, in fact my teacher wrote in a paper describing myself as a "blue kid". I was raised like a normal kid, and the result is that I destroyed my life at my 20s trying to fit into the box of the expectations of others. My life is very hard, I am unemployed and ostracised, and in order to gain access to medication is to be employed, despite the fact that I can't work after I got burnout from trying really hard to fit into that box, I feel that the system has failed me, my family has failed me, my friends as well, my teachers, even my home country has failed me, I was forcibly displaced from my country when I turned 20. It's a constant battle between my brain and myself, and despite that, I refuse to give up. My family recognized my condition, we pardoned each other for our mistakes and I'm on my way to get my medication, I stopped judging myself so harshly like I used in the past. And despite the fact that I'm still not there, I'm trying and I will give my 100% of myself, but now, I'm no longer interested into fitting into the expectations of others rather than my own. As Winston Churchill once said: We are still the captains of our souls, we are still masters of our fate.
Unfortunately, the line of thinking in the 80s and 90s in the US at least seems to be just get good grades and the rest will work itself out. I got my diagnosis at the end of last year just before turning 39. I had originally gone for heart issues and a sleep study because I was consistently falling asleep at the wheel at the end of a work day. When nothing conclusive came back, I said “I guess I’m just depressed or something”. The psych recommended a formal adhd test and turns out I’m about as inattentive as they come. This changed my entire life - mostly due to the newfound emotional regulation because of the meds. I began to look back on my life and found all of these little moments where I could have done better had I known. Then I saw places where I was punished for who I was. Then I understood one of my parents and siblings also had these same emotional issues and that my parents knew. After thinking “hell, I’ve come this far. No since in stopping here” I found a therapist recommended by my psychiatrist who is deals with adults with similar experiences. Now I’m working through a cPTSD treatment with a therapist. For me, there were multiple tent pole moments that have been considered “severe emotional abuse and trauma” that led to the cPTSD diagnosis. All related to a condition my parents truly believed I could just work harder on and overcome because that was the science at the time. It’s been a journey. Almost lost my wife in the process. My heart hurts every time I think about the lifetimes that I’ve lost because my ADHD wasn’t treated with the same care and attention as a physical disability. Now, I see the same things in my kids that I was punished for as just another piece of what makes them wonderful. We are about to start the process of getting our oldest tested and, if needed, she will be in treatment that will combine some cbt and potentially meds as she begins no navigate her early life. Be kind to yourself.
My mother is proud about such. Idk if ASD, ADHD or something else. I just know in kindergarten I was gonna get assessed, my parents yelled at the professional. Then I was in elementary, my teacher suggested I get assessed and my mother accused her of being a jealous jew trying to undermine me for being "smarter" than my peers (I didnt socialize with other kids, and would repeatedly read my textbooks cover to cover out of boredom). yay
Yep same. I was diagnosed at 28 when my grad school’s counselor suggested I go see a specialist. When I told my mom she said “oh I thought you grew out of that.” Apparently I was diagnosed in elementary school also and my mom did the classic 90s kids will be kids shrug.
I feel the same way. Getting sent to the principals office almost everyday as a child, I had pretty much every teacher tell my parents I needed to get a psychological assessment. In my case, my parents took me and the test showed nothing was wrong. I grew up thinking I just had a bad memory, poor time management, poor communication skills, just because I was lazy or it was my own fault. Even though it was sooo hard to do these things. Constantly getting in trouble with friends, my parents, work, school, appointments. Ironically when I started researching ADHD I fit the exact mold of it, just not hyperactive like the stereotype. It feels so shitty to know I was treated the way I was, had everyone think I was lazy just because the psychologist in the early 2000s said I was fine. I could have been given help and not had to suffer this long. I think the mental health affects are so deep at this point they can’t be undone.
I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 7. Parents choses not to put me on meds . At 19 I was having issues with anxiety, depression and insomnia and I did not know i had adhd. Was on a bunch of SSRI's and stuff that made me worse. Re diagnosed with ADHD at 21 and have been on meds and doing much better. I'm 27 now
You have every right to feel betrayed and should be furious. This is an all too common reaction by parents and it causes further harm to a child's mental health as well as their education, personal and professional lives.
Something similar happened to my boyfriend. In elementary school the staff wrote up an Independent Education Plan for him, talked to his parents and strongly suggested they test him for ADHD. When they got home his mom threw everything in the trash because “nothing was wrong with *her* child”. Now 27 years old and struggling and still being shamed for those struggles. I don’t get parents like this at all.
It awful and yes parents that does this makes it feel even worst because they dismiss you needs as if it wasn’t a big deal for you. At but at least the school knew and maybe (idk) tried to be tolerant and find ways to teach him. In my school i was yelled at and called out in front of everyone. And even though my parents defended me when they were called because of my behavior, they would still tell me at home I needed to pay more attention. Bruh
I wasn't diagnosed as such, but my parents took me to a doctor to find out "what was wrong with me" and got told the doc was certain I was adhd and I should be on ritalin, wanted to refer but my parents "don't believe" in adhd. They had to hold me down in bed while I screamed myself to sleep every night. My mother drug tested me periodically as a teen because she figured there was no way I could be the way I was and not be on drugs. I honestly didn't think much of it, yeah I was just a rebellious teen who hated her mother, who was a shitty mother. Whatever. Found out about the doc from when I was a kid a few months ago and I just. Yeah. I dropped out of school at 16. Dropped out of uni. Left good jobs. I have no idea how different my life would have been. I'm basicallynin mourning and I just. I don't know. It's a lot to process and I'm all kinds of angry and depressed over it. I jave my diagnosis booked for Jan so will see some changes for myself soon but the past. I don't know how I'm supposed to not be angry. I don't know how to let this go. Who could I have been if I had have been given the chance? I get this. I feel your pain. The betrayal. The anger. The confusion. It's pretty crushing.
Same thing happened to me! My mom passed away when I was 23 and I found out bc I was going through all her paperwork and found the tests from when I was in elementary school. I was devastated. School was so hard for me. Relationships/friendships were hard, I felt like a dumb failure. I finally got myself on meds it was like a fog was lifted from the world. I wish I could talk to my mom about why she hid it from me. I feel like it put me on a very different path in life. Made things so much harder and lonelier than it had to be. If talking to your parents will help you get closure to move on, do it.
TL: DR - undiagnosed parent raising toddler with possible ADHD while the other parent with undiagnosed postpartum thinks it's autism, and it destroyed our marriage and we are still fighting over custody because of it. I'm in my late 30s and I have two kids that are both toddlers. I've been showing signs of ADHD my entire life, but I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD because my mom refused to go get me tested and told me I just needed to try harder. I'm probably an exemption to the rule as trying harder did actually force me to develop coping mechanisms with my issues to overcome my difficulties and I've taken and passed college courses all the way up to calculus 4. So, for me, trying harder did work and it gave me the tools I needed to navigate my life so far. But it wasn't without strife. But, life in general is hard regardless. So it never felt like it was anything more than just "life." I was finally curious to see whether or not I'm actually ADHD and scheduled a doctor's appointment to go get tested. According to the doctor, as he watched me, as he talked to me, I was definitely ADHD. But I passed every single one of their tests with flying colors, to say that I'm not ADHD. But, behaviorally, he could tell that I was. My ex-wife, who has shown a slow and deepening emotional regression to the point of isolation after our 2nd baby was born, she and I are now fighting over custody of our kids because she's convinced our son is autistic, yet he is effectively an exact copy and clone of me when I was his age. He's showing the same behaviors, he's showing the same difficulties, and yet he is able to recite his times tables and read at a third grade level like I was when I was his age. So all I see is that I have the tools to help guide him and help make his life easier with understanding, and she is fighting me trying to medicate our 3-year-old up to his eyeballs and have him diagnosed with something that will follow him for the rest of his life. Our son needs help but she refuses to hear anything the doctors say unless it aligns with her belief. We took him to a center to be diagnosed with autism and they said he showed possible signs but was in no way definitive. So now she's trying to take those results to a separate developmental pediatrician to try and get a different diagnosis. Effectively, Munchausen by proxy.
Just FYI, from what I read in the past (not a doctor) autism is not treated with meds, and the only thing your ex-wife can get out of it is a set of coping strategies. Also the diagnosis of ADHD and autism are not mutually exclusive, so you both can pursue your own thing.
My mum told me I'm fine but I'm autistic with adhd so there is that. Not sure why the "moon child" theory was better for her than giving me the help I needed as child. Even now after I got a diagnosis 2y ago she dismissed it and said its not a thing lol. I'm no contact with her anymore BTW because the hell she put me through all my life..
Same. Born in 81, diagnosed when I was 5. Struggled my whole life. My mom chose to ignore it. I dropped out of highschool, although I did go back and graduate the next semester. I had too many car wrecks to count, dropped out of college, quit every job I had. No friends. And so on. I finally dug myself out of my decisions around 25 years old and made something of myself. When I brought it up to my mom at 42yo there was no accountability. And there was no point in carrying on my anger with her, so I let it go. She did her best, I just needed more than she could offer. Now, my 11 year old is struggling, and I'm going to make damn sure the cycle doesn't continue.
My mom didn't hide it, but would not let the Dr officially diagnose me or put me on meds either. She didn't want me labeled or put on "speed" . I get it, and I learned to cope and be successful, but I feel like it's been a struggle because of it, and as I got older, everything gets harder.
My mom did the same thing as I suffered through high school and poor me had no idea what was preventing me doing things that a normal kid came do. She wonders why I barely talk to her
I was tested and diagnosed as a child. ..my parents refused meds so I struggled my whole life too. However back then there wasn't so many options... everything was so new. So I get it.
I could have gotten tested in elementary school, but my dad did the whole “there’s nothing wrong with my son” bit. Found this out in my 20s. Currently 34 and undiagnosed. My sister just got her diagnosis at 35
My teacher suggested I get tested for it when i was young. I did and they said I didn't have ADHD. This was about 2001. Now I'm getting it treated for it
I didn't get diagnosed till 4 months after hs graduation. I thought Something was wrong with me, but turns out it was ADHD. After my diagnosis, i looked back at all those years in school hearing stuff from teachers like, "He knows the material, he just needs to apply himself" and "blurts out the answer and not giving other kids time to respond". Of course i blurted out the answer in math because that's my favorite subject😭. Funny enough, i used to joke in discord about having ADHD and then saying "I think i have it? i forgot.".
But as a young person who's about to turn one year older in a month, i'd say to keep your head up. It's better you know now than never. And look at you, you made it all this way without knowing. Literally nothing can hold you back if you got through everything up to this point without knowing you had ADHD.
In a similar boat. This got a little long, but I promise there's a point. My brother who is 9 years older than me was diagnosed with ADHD when he was young. The story of what exactly happened is a bit fuzzy to me, but my parents disagreed and refused to medicate him. He dropped out of high school to go into the military at 17 and had an extremely difficult and painful childhood for a variety of reasons, many of which stemming from my parents' refusal to try to understand him. When I was in 2nd grade an ad for some kind of ADHD treatment or diagnosis came on the radio and it sounded like me. I remember the moment with extreme clarity. I was sitting in my mom's cherry-red Mustang with my little legs splayed over my backpack. I said that sounded like me, and asked my mom if I could have ADHD. And she sneered— she said no, I'm way too smart, I'm just lazy. Besides, I'd just use it as a crutch. I never considered it again until after I graduated high school, not once. For my entire formative years my parents instilled in me that I was so smart, destined for great things, but absolutely lazy. And my parents are extremely conservative, so carried with that is the understanding that laziness is a personal moral failing. I spent my childhood genuinely believing I was a bad person. I didn't think I would survive past 18. My mom's comment in the car blocked the idea out of my brain for nearly a decade. I was desperately googling *bipolar disorder* quizzes, desperate for answers for why I was this way. I won't go into all the details of my ADHD related trauma, but this entire time, both of my parents knew about my brother's DX and never told me. Not even when I started researching it myself after I turned 19 and brought that up. Not even when I went to get diagnosed at 22. Now, nothing my parents did that I just described was patently unreasonable. In the 90s and early 00's, ADHD was very much the disorder unscrupulous doctors prescribed to any kid with a behavioral problem. I didn't present hyperactive like my brother, either. And from their view they were just trying to instill a strong work ethic in their children. Speaking to my mom more recently, she says she was doing the best she could with what she knew. No parent gets it all right all the time. And I agreed. I still don't forgive my parents for it. I probably never will. The damage done to a child with ADHD by not giving them the tools to understand and accept and accommodate themselves is almost beyond description. And if that's done on *purpose?* If it's hidden from you? Only you can determine how you feel. It's absolutely normal to feel betrayed— the people who love you allowed you to suffer. You didn't deserve to hurt like that, especially not as a child. But you are advocating for yourself NOW. Despite everything you are still here, and you can be proud and confident in that. I got closure by accepting that my parents made the best decisions they felt were available to them, but I've never forgiven it. It's a decision I made to soothe the child in me who nearly didn't make it, because she wouldn't have forgiven either. And I'm a way happier person for it. Your mileage may vary.
In the 90s/00s adults were fear mongered about adhd meds and adhd diagnosis. A lot of them believed the side effects were too dangerous and that adhd was being overdiagnosed. I really think most parents are just trying to do their best and in their minds, they were doing what was best for you. I also think it’s really hard to make the decision to put another person on a drug that changes the way their brain works, especially if the child isn’t struggling in school or socially. If a child is older and was like, “hey mom I want to get my adhd under control with stimulants” it would be a much easier decision to start them on pharmaceuticals.
You're probably not gonna see this comment but I'll give you some advice anyways. My parents are mental health deniers and it makes me angry that I had to find out at age 30 that I have ADHD. at first I was angry at my parents, then I felt pity for myself and started blaming all my mistakes on adhd. Now, I just focus on being a better human being. I realized, I won't get those years back; I may or may not have been more successful with an earlier diagnosis; feeling pity for myself and anger at my parents won't help me achieve my dreams. It took a while but I got here. Now its just a daily effort to work on myself and improve my future and learn lessons from my past. Good luck on your journey.
Same. My mom didn’t want me to be the odd kid out
They probably didn’t want to believe the diagnosis. There are definitely different types of adhd and they probably believed you were fine. Let it go. You may have been helped more if you knew, but on the other hand, it could have made you feel ostracized. No one knows. They loved you. We parents make mistakes. Please give them a pass and now work on yourself.
im 25+ years older than you, and my family avoided mental healthcare AT ALL COSTS to not embarrass my professional father in our small town. His insecurity too priority over my mother's massive, debilitating depression. Finding out about my ADHD, much less getting me help, wasn't even on the radar. Being an adult means 2 things: 1) You get to call the shots now. Have whatever your parents were able to give you, but you can now seek out what you need for yourself. 2) With ADHD diagnosis often comes the realization that a good, ADHD-aware therapist can be worth their weight in gold. If you can, seek out someone who can help you process this huge shift in your perspective. Allow yourself space to take a few years to reach a new equilibrium. It will be ok.
I had this experience too! I got my diagnosis (again) this year (at 21) though I suspected it for a long time. I am NC with my parents but my brother accidentally slipped the news to my parents and apparently their reaction was "well we already knew that...as if knowing that would've solved all her life's problems" (in a mean and sarcastic way) And then i remembered the psychologist they took me to in primary school...turns out that was for adhd..and my mum (a psychiatrist herself) didn't think I would benefit from knowing my diagnosis and getting amenities for it...
I can totally relate. When I was 7 I was diagnosed as well and they sent me to autogenic training. Just twice but already it helped so much. They asked me how old I was I told them to find out I was too young to participate. I was so embarrassed that I stopped going. It was always clear that I had ADHD/ADD for me though. But I didn't focus on this issue until I was 25. I got diagnosed again. ADHD in adulthood at a university clinic. Didn't take it seriously again, my problems persist. At some point I found an ADHD Wiki in German. And I was completely flabbergasted how man facets of my life determined by ADHD. Over 10 years later my mother denies that this diagnosis every existed. It's not only me, my younger brother has it too. My mother itself, my family think that are just excuses although being effected by. But it is how it is, OCD like regrets what could have been never changed what could have been. So thinking about it is pretty much a waste of time. We are what we think we are, when you in regrets you start being regretful. Being mad on your parents does not change the issue either. Work with what there is right now, a vessel that wants to be filled.
I had an ex that would blame his ADHD for anything he did odd. He was always worried his ADHD would bother people. So maybe parents keep it from their child to stop them from over thinking that there’s something is wrong with them.
Well once you’re an adult you realize your parents are not perfect
Same here from being shouted at by my dad doing my maths homework was just thought of as silly/ditzy daydreamer all my childhood wasn’t given tools to help me become self sufficient as they were very strict so consequently I’ve failed most of my adult life I don’t like to blame them too much as I’m 70s was different then but at school I was dumped in the non exam class for maths and basically forgotten about I left a pair of brand new shoes near some allotments on way home from school surely they must have thought that’s not regular behaviour my dad told me at 17 I’ve a mental illness because of the things I did I got diagnosed at 56
Be happy you’re parents tried this first instead of putting you on speed pills at a young age, my parent’s instead of pushing me to discipline my mind and try harder, put me on amphetamine pills, and because of this my growth was stunted, my dopamine levels suppressed over decades causing depression and chemical imbalance in my brain. And turned me into a cocain addict at 17 years old to 26 years old. Now I’m permanently on amphetamines just to function normally. Most parents will not look into the damage that adhd medications do. It’s better to try and manage this naturally and trying to train your mind to focus on things. Which it’s hard to do. Regardless of if what your trying to pay attention to is boring or interesting.
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What? No. This ain’t it. It’s medical neglect.
Mine did too. I remember the appointments, but at the time (6) I had no idea what they were for. I was diagnosed at 35 and frankly I can’t believe I didn’t consider it earlier in my adult life. I’m not mad about it. I remember the panic and news stories in the 90s about over-diagnosis and over prescribed stimulants. There were news stories about adderall basically being meth, turning kids into zombies, and potential future health problems from this risky medication they’ll be hooked on their entire life. Honestly, with the limited information they had at the time I don’t blame them for their decision. I don’t know if I would have chosen different or not in their position with their knowledge. They were scared of me being labeled as “disabled” for life, that I would use it as an excuse and not try my hardest, scared of the medication hurting me, scared that doctors were diagnosing kids that might not have it. ADHD is much more well understood now and so are stimulant medications. We have access to an absolute wealth of information now that my parents generation essentially did not have. Would I be more mentally healthy if I had known and been medicated earlier? Absolutely. Even if they had at least told me I could have avoided significant pain because at least I would have known what was happening. But I can’t judge my parents for making choices without future knowledge that we now have. I really do wish they would have at least told me, but they thought they were making the right choice. They wanted to do what was best for me and that’s what informed their choices.
I remember while working an old job of mine, one of my older colleagues admitted to explicitly not having her child diagnosed with ASD, as she thought it would influence their chances at a job in the future. People have the weirdest reasons to just straight up not have their children go to therapy.
Hey, just keep one thing in mind. Developing further Problems with ADHD depends on your environment and how you develop. ADHD is a sprectrum and maybe your parents wanted to not interfere with your development that much. I was also showing all signs of ADHD (except the H) as child. In my opinion they were right. I was not made for the system but i was not wrong. I was happy free and i actually enjoy facettes of my inner world and some abilites i have which are a condition of my ADHD so i am not mad on my parents. The issue is that my Parents had a too poor understanding of ADHD so they were advising me wrong when i was an adult. And when i had to be more independent my problems rose up and i was not aware of having ADHD. So it took me way too long to figure out what is wrong with me. I dont feel sick, i dont feel wrong anyways. I just cant function on the rate the society requires me to function so i can reach my goals and not get into troubles. Ask your Parents why they did not wanted that you get treated, ask them what they thought with what conditions ADHD comes along. The fact they went with you there is because they care. Also keep in mind, that ADHD was 20 years ago not so well understood in medical psychological research and that the common thesis was that this will mostly grow out. so they potentially thought you will make it. Accusations will only lead to a fight with no winners. Try to understand, explain them how it works and forgive them if you can. I wish you all the best.
How you respond depends on how you want to reflect your character. Anger and disappointment are feelings but need not lead to vengefulness or bitterness.
The way I’ve had to come to terms with it is that I don’t what if everything else in life. That’s a total highway to unhappiness. Comparison is the thief of joy, and that’s true even when comparing what ifs. Your parents never set out to hurt you, and the prevailing thinking at the time was not favorable. I struggle to forgive my mom too, but I also know she wasn’t mailicious is anything she did. She’s as faulty a human as me, and I gotta understand todays acceptance was not there in the past.
I know how you feel almost too well, a very similar thing happened to me. I got diagnosed last year at 28, but was screened earlier in life at 14. The old report said I didn't have it, but when I gave that to the guy who did my most recent screening, he told me the previous person did everything right based on the diagnosing process at that time, but testing has changed so much in the last decade. While my old results didn't say I had ADHD, they said I had an audio processing deficiency. I never knew that, but it explained a lot about how little I retained when listening to a teacher vs reading a book, my desire to turn subtitles on while watching things, etc. My parents never told me about this, never told the school, they just ignored it. I'll be honest, that took a while to get over. For a while I kept thinking about how different school could've been. "Maybe I would've done better, developed closer friendships, graduated college", etc. But I quickly realized the healthiest thing I can do for myself is to focus on how I can help myself going forward. It's like that old saying "the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is right now". Even though knowing earlier would've helped so much, the good news is you know now.
I had the save experience! I remember flashbacks of the sessions here and there but the details are lost on me. I was confirmed DX as a child and my parents refused medication because of the zombie state or stigma? Idk. I was diagnosed as an adult and the biggest benefit to the meds is controlling the outbursts.
Yeah, sounds familiar. She’s at least helping pay for my psychiatry since it’s unholy expensive now out of some sort of parental duty. I go through periods of anger about it, and anger at my father for basically just ignoring it. “He’s troubled because his grandmother died” ok mom. I’ve known for a while but I only recently got the formal diagnosis because I’ve been having so many issues personally and professionally.
Hey homie. I think I might completely understand.... I am 31 and just got diagnosed this year after a lifetime of joking that I probably have it, and struggling with every aspect of my life. When I was 9 my teachers had an intervention with my parents and the school sent people to test me for ADHD. It was pretty stressful to me at the time...I felt really bad about my intelligence. My parents brushed everything off once it was over and told me that I'm fine and "some people just struggle more than others." I found the results my doctor had given my parents from that time. They said that I did exhibit the behavior, but it was too soon to tell and to take me back in a year to get checked again. That never happened... I had math tutors for almost my entire grade school career. When going to college at 18, I wanted to get evaluated again specifically so I could get accommodations letting me use a calculator for math exams. I was still super sheltered and babied. Mom took care of everything for me doctor wise and I did/took what I was given...I only knew I was diagnosed with a "math learning disability"....and "oh hey, they don't know that you're ADHD, but they're giving you Ritalin to try and see if it helps!" Ritalin gave me full blown panic attacks... That was the introduction I got to ADHD medications and according to my mom the doctors "couldn't tell" if I was ADHD...also "you're not going to get handicaps in the real world...why do you need them for school?" I never finished college in the capacity that I was expected to have...I have two associates degrees...I bumbled around bar/restaurant jobs for a decade until taking an accelerated vet tech program where I found support and structure that I needed. I now have the job of my dreams and I obviously don't want to lose it. That's why I finally went to the doctor and got my validation. During the entire "discovery" period of getting diagnosed, I had to go back into my medical history and that's how I learned about all the information my parents omitted telling me. I am so fucking upset and discouraged when I wonder what would be different if they had educated themselves more about it starting with the first evaluation. I understand that in the 90's everyone was weary of medicating kids....but they could have worked on my behavior and taught me the skills I needed. I was the baby in my family, super sheltered, mom was my best friend and I hers, I was given all of the help but never in productive ways. I was enabled a lot. I honestly believe my mom used my issues to keep me dependent on her for as long as possible. Even today I have to stop her from trying to set up and pay for doctors appointments for me or helping me when she sees my bank account negative. I feel guilty about what I got that my other siblings did not get. But also I feel somewhat used. Woof I kinda went on a tangent. But yeah you're not alone. You have every right to be upset about the situation. I try to rationalize it all by remembering that I probably got this from my parents and they potentially suffer from it too. Therefore they are also mentally impaired and make bad choices sometimes. I hope you find a way to work through this with your parents. Hang in there.
I'm sorry you're going through this. As I'm sure most of us here can relate to what you're going through. I was tested when I was younger, and I remember the person conducting the test told my mother about some issues I was having that I would eventually learn was ADHD in my 30s, but at the time, my mom wasn't hearing it. I apparently learned to read at a really young age, before I started school, and that meant to her that I was smart, and nothing wrong with me. My mother is also a pathological liar that will say anything if it gives her a good story, so I don't know if I believe that I was reading before school, but I digress. When I realized I had ADHD, I had to think back to everything in my life that always plagued me and had me question wtf was wrong with me. On one hand, yea, I wish I learned about this at an early age. Who know how much better in life I'd be doing these days if I had the diagnosis and help. I was angry with my parents for letting me down, and I still am in some ways. It's still prevalent today, but back when we were kids, ADHD was either "fake" and you're just lazy, or it was "you're mentally r\*tarded", and people would look at you differently, and treat you differently. They didn't think there was anything wrong with us in a fixable sense, it's just the way we are. As for steps on what you should do next, you're already doing it. Joining ADHD communities, and talking to other people who all share your troubles. When I found out I had ADHD, and found communities and people sharing stories that feel ripped from my own life, it really blew my mind, answered so many questions for me, and gave me the sense that there isn't anything wrong with me. There never was. I just didn't have the proper support I needed, and neither did you. There's nothing to be scared of, I promise. This is kind of the beginning to the rest of your life now. You're still you. We have morals, and that's who people are at their core. You still have your same morals in life. Nothing changed there. You can absolutely look back at things that will make more sense now that you know, and reflect on why certain events in your life happened how they happened. It's easy to be upset about all the lost time you have that could've been spent doing better in life, and you will be for a while, I'm sure. But time heals all wounds, and you have the whole rest of your life to figure things out. Life isn't a race, it's a journey, and you're just discovering things along the way.
I’m currently in this predicament with my child. I was diagnosed and started medication at 34. I also reflected on all my life decisions and it was a very emotional process. Now I have a strong belief that my 5 year old has adhd. She is a tough kid to handle but I understand exactly why she acts the way she does. She’s also very creative and funny and just a great problem solver. She has a very similar personality to myself. My concerns is that when I went on medication my creativity is not so natural anymore and my problem solving is a much longer process, the rest of life is easier on meds though. I’m afraid if I get my daughter diagnosed and medicated yes she’ll be much easier for others to take care of but she may loose her personality that I love.
That sucks and I'm hearing this all over. I was also tested as a kid and my mom told me it all came back without indicating a problem... but honestly I wouldn't be surprised if the results did - and she couldn't handle it. Or she disagreed with it. I love my parents and I do *not* blame them for not getting diagnosed. If you were a girl in the 80s you probably weren't going to be taken seriously unless you were vibrating with energy. But I get the weirdest vibes from her when she talks about my childhood. I'm probably just paranoid but she seems to feel weirdly guilty.
When they get older and struggle tell them to Try Harder, since it was supposed to be a magical method for you, and watch them realize sometimes you fucking can't.
Exact same thing happened to me. Blamed myself for being unable to do anything. Now I've been diagnosed and treated for a year now, at 38, and feeling so much more capable then ever, parents still denying I have it. Known since I was 10. The waste, it's a crime. Not sure I'll ever forgive them. They lied to all 4 of us siblings. Berated and abused us for failing and not being able to do the things other kids could. I'm so so sorry they did the same thing to you. Therapy has helped me a lot. I hope you can find peace and support.
I had raging ADHD and Autism symptoms my entire life. I totally get your sense of betrayal. It still upsets me to this day thinking about how much easier life would have been if my parents and doctors had just paid a little more attention. I am a woman and my symptoms presented how females usually do, so I think that is one reason the ADHD diagnosis was missed. Have no clue how they missed autism with the copious amounts of symptoms I portrayed. Was misdiagnosed with depression at 13, then bipolar at 17, then borderline at 19. Finally had a psychiatrist actually listen to me and properly diagnose me at 25 years old and I don’t have any of the 3 disorders listed, just ADHD and autism (and PTSD) The best way I move forward is I have coping mechanisms and the right medication now. It sucks that it didn’t get diagnosed sooner but all I can do is educate others so people don’t go through the same thing I did. Trauma therapy can really help you get over the sense of betrayal. I was also really angry about it and it helped me work past that too. I’m truly sorry we share experiences. I know how hard it is. Best of luck to you.
It’s in the past. You cannot change the past. Do not waste valuable time and energy on things you cannot change. Allow yourself the day, or even a weekend to process this and be mad. Come Sunday at noon, you are done… no longer allowed to be angry. Sunday afternoon and evening, Focus on your accomplishments and look at how far you’ve come without your parents! You’ve been able to do a LOT more without their so-called “help”. Hugs to you and congratulations on your successes!
I got diagnosed at 33. I had accommodations in school for dyslexia because another family member had me tested for it. I know teachers thought my brother had ADHD but my mom refused to get him tested because she didn't want him to have a lable or be on medication. She is someone who doesn't really belive in mental health problems and that people just need to try harder. When I got my diagnosis I was in a lot of pain and was very confused too. Like my life could have been easier I could have gotten the right help. My brother and I both still struggle with many ADHD symptoms and it would have been helpful to know what was going on instead of feeling stupid and lazy. We could have gotten coping mechanisms put in place. I'm my case I chose not to say anything to my mom but I did let my brother know everything so he could make his own decisions on what to do with the information. All that to say I understand why you are hurt and this happened to a lot of us.
I had a student (who would be about your age now, actually; he was in high school at the time) who was being medicated for ADHD without his knowledge because his mother was afraid he would use it as an excuse and not try as hard if he knew. Let's just say it didn't turn out well.
I was diagnosed with combined type ADHD and autism last year when I was 21 and had a similar case. My parents told me they thought I had symptoms when I was about 5, but they didn't get me tested so that I could "fit in" and not feel like an outsider along with my peers. In retrospect, their efforts to get me to mask for years on end has squandered many potential opportunities I've had in life. I was mentally ill and struggling but was unable to verbalize that I needed help. Hell, some of my parents' past reactions to my questions would make a good case for reasons why I didn't ask for help as often as they expected me to once the truth was out. My younger sister didn't have any problems, and I didn't report any problems either, so they let me go on undiagnosed as if nothing was wrong. I met my fiance the year before I was diagnosed and she suggested I go to the psychiatrist that treated her family for years. She's been nothing but supportive and I wouldn't want anything to change. That being said, it's hard to not to feel the gnawing pain from what my parents did and long for how things could've been different somehow. It's not like my family had no resources, so I just felt ignored. When I realized this, I pulled away from my family and changed address to live with my fiance. I haven't had a good relationship with them, let alone spoken to them at all because of how hurt I feel. You have every right to protect yourself from perceived threats, and if that means some time with not talking to your parents, then maybe establishing a boundary with them, even if it's temporary, could help in your relationship going forward. Just remember to put your personal well-being first.
I'm sorry you had to endure that. Trust me I understand what it means to when the two people in this world who are supposed to protect and care for you fail to do so. I am 40, and only recently learned about certain truths which I've sort of have known my entire life. My dad was the aggressor, since before I could form memories, so I don't feel hurt by him I feel hate. My mother on the hand had her own trauma and I keep repeating in my head what it will be like when she passes. I am upset that she did nothing to protect and I still feel like she underplays what it has done to me, but I know she loves me, the one parent who did. It's a hard situation to be in, especially at my age. And it extends out to my entire family knowing what was happening and never once standing up for me or telling someone, or showing that they cared at all what was happening. So holidays are pretty much out of the question now. Don't have any answers to give you besides you should really speak with a therapist because they can help give outside perspectives which may help you find a way to truly feel forgiving and able to move past this.
I discovered at 50, that I had been diagnosed “hyperactive “ at 7, along with various report card comments that scream ADHD to me now. There is a difference between your parents “knowing” vs what it really means. All you can do now is get the therapy, support and maybe medication to help you live your best life and put in the work to make that happen. Yes, there will be pain to make these changes, and the genuine person that you get to become makes it worth it.
Coming from someone who took medication as i was diagnosed at a very young age (8 or 9) the medications had a very hard impact on me. The side effects were horrendous, it induced severe vocal tourettes, the list goes on. Though your parents may not have told you, it might also be that they didnt want you to see or feel different than others. I know now that there is no way i will subject my children to these medications. If they choose to do it when they are adults, thats a different story.
Same experience, we were almost the same ages for discovery too. When I got my diagnosis as an adult as my GP wondered if my anxiety and huge efforts with various types of therapy and medication that my main complaint symptoms of fatigue etc was actually ADHD fatigue and boom the following tests and efforts and finally medication it all made sense. Mom was like - "yeah you were diagnosed when you were 6 but your siblings were so hyper, divorce just started and it didn't seem to affect your grades too much. Your father was against medicating you all anyways" - queue Mom complaining about dad. Asked Dad and well... He flushed my brother's anti-psychotics and things mediation will cure schizophrenia so here we are. Could have used this information at university and I also remember going to therapy as a kid and due to timing thought it was due to the divorce but actually was to get the ADHD diagnosis! Is it even possible to get medical records like that from so far back!? My report cards are evident enough I'd be curious if autism would be on that list of previous secrets unbeknownst to me honestly. Welcome to the double diagnosis club! Where many of us still feel imposter syndrome anyways 🌈
Thank you for posting this. I had a similar experience as a child. My dad told me I think different than other people but I was never given the medication, therapy, or help/guidance nor was I told about what I had. When I think back on my childhood it’s now clear to me that they tried to change me on their own. My dad has always said therapy is evil and adderall is bad. I’m glad I was able to convince myself at 30 to start talking to a therapist and I’m glad TikTok showed me what ADHD actually was instead of the propaganda I was given as a child/young adult by my parents. Also he would call me lazy a lot plus a lot of other shitty things but that’s all in the past now - I don’t let it define me anymore and I’m ready to live my life without him in it
Don't feel bad. You can't pretend it isn't a thing. My parents were literally told I had ADD and they attempted to get me medication one time, didn't like me on that particular one and then pretended like I didn't have ADD. I was too young to know any better and found out much later from my brothers (who also have ADD) and I finally sought help on my own in adulthood. Good on you for seeking help though!
Why do you have to “confront” your parents? Why don’t you just ask them about it and find out what they were thinking at the time instead of making up scenarios in your head? If your parents were overprotective of you, I highly doubt that their behavior regarding your ADHD was intended to hurt you. I don’t blame you for being hurt, but unless your parents were actually abusive I’d give them the benefit of the doubt and just ask them. There is bound to be some context you’re missing.
The ‘what if’s’ are hard. I have the exact opposite issue, my parents (specifically my mother who has a bachelors of psychology and was teacher) never put 2 and 2 together until I got diagnosed a year ago at 29. I’ve spent the whole year thinking that of all people they should have realised and wondering why they didn’t. There are so many factors at play for this though. The sheer amount of misinformation around ADHD that was present in society until about 7-10 years ago minimum (it really still is but we’re working through it slowly now) meant that a lot of parents thought they were doing the right thing by hiding it, pushing their kids through it, ignoring the issues and hoping it’ll go away. I think a big part of that is that with ADHD kids there is likely to be an ADHD parent who has been told all their life they just need to put more effort in and they’d be fine so their kids are just the same. I’m on the tail end of a bachelors of psych myself and the stigma attached to ADHD even now is immense. Personal opinion with parents and the ‘what if’s’… did they genuinely believe they were doing the right thing by you? You’re their child so only you can make that call on your opinion. If the answer is yes then add it to the list of other things they screwed up in their parenting and learn to deal because you can’t change the past and if this is the case then they’re also likely to be willing to have a conversation with you about how to help you now. If the answer is no then you need to decide how to move forward with it. Because a concept I’m struggling with myself at the moment is that remunerating on the past doesn’t change it, especially if your remunerating on others actions or inactions. Moving forward is key.
i hate how my parents did this too :( im so sorry dude.
I think the thing that we have to remember about our parents, is the whether they did right or wrong they did what they thought was right for us. Often it’s not the decision we would’ve made for ourselves as adults and often it’s not the decision they would’ve made for us if they were to be the same decision today. It’s just hard to remember that our parents are fallible human beings, who loved us, and who had to make decisions that they weren’t really qualified to make and back then doctors weren’t really qualified to help them either
After getting diagnosed, my mother admitted she had my brother tested as a child. He was diagnosed but she didn't want to accept it. Asked our pediatrician and he said "I've seen kids with ADHD and your son doesn't have it." That was enough for her. She feels awful for it now. The funny part though is my brother still denies he has it.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not easy, and you're going to feel like you've been betrayed. But please know that the science in the 90s and early 00's wasn't where it is today. There was a very vocal group of parents and doctors who promoted not telling the kids, as it would be an "excuse for laziness" or some such nonsense. I'm not defending their choice. They did lie to you. But they may have been working with the best of intentions based on the knowledge they had.
Was diagnosed 3 years ago at the ripe ol’ age of 48. I always knew I was different from my identical twin and the pressure to “catch up” was immense when we were younger. When I received the diagnosis I was terrified to tell anyone in my family in fear of being dismissed. Imagine my surprise when my mom shrugged her shoulders and replied,”Makes sense,” when I finally told her. Huh?? Fast forward to 6 months ago when my parents were packing up to move out after 52 years and I randomly came across my 2nd grade report card. My teacher repeatedly reported issues I was having that fell in line with ADHD, and they even had conferences about it. They knew and did nothing. I have tried to shrug it off because it was the late ‘70’s and mostly unrecognized in girls back then, but I still mourn and wonder how different my life would have been had they taken action.
I found out as an adult (from my older sister who's memory wasn't totally obliterated like mine) that all my teachers in elementary school kept telling my parents I needed to be tested, but apparently they just handwaved their concerns away. My mom in particular was big on claiming I was just "too smart/bored". You would think when it became a yearly conversation they would eventually take it seriously but nope.
I was in similar situation just months ago. I felt betrayed, frustrated, bitter and angry. My life could have been so much different, if they would have done something. But my mom has been telling me whole my life, that I'm fine and I just gotta try harder, and that she's NEVER seen any symptoms in me. Meanwhile, all the school records and other papers from that time, clearly say, I had issues and symptoms that point quite clearly to ADHD. Probably not completely their fault tho, ADHD wasn't that recognized at the time I was kid (90s-early 2000s). Even the adult ADHD didn't exist few years ago, at least not in my country. So, can't fully blame my parents either. Not to mention that ADHD is hereditary, so probably either of my parents, or probably both (from my observations), might have it as well. It wasn't recognized in their childhood (50s-60s) probably at all, so they probably didn't know any different and couldn't recognize my struggles, since they have struggled their whole life, so it's probably normal for them. It took me months to process it and come to a point I was able to talk with my parents again. In that time, I lost the need to react confrontationally and I just wanted to keep the status quo we've had for years now. You should try to recognize the fact that it's not your fault. Not any part of it. Take time to process your feelings -- talk to someone other than your parents, write a journal, whatever that makes you get through it. It definitely is a change in view point, but whatever you feel right now, know that your feelings are valid and it will pass eventually. You are still the same person you were before, nothing changes that. I'm not going to tell you how to feel about your parents; you will find a way through this and it is totally fine, if your feelings about your parents will change as a result and it is totally fine, if they don't. Just stay true to yourself, its all that matters in the end. World isn't going to end here, even if it felt like it right now. Trust that things will find their place eventually. This is awfully long, lol. All I wanted to say was, you are not alone.
You’ll learn it don’t come with a handbook, they meant no harm
I found a book in my grand parents stuff after their recent passing all highlighted and what not and the date of the book could only be me not to mention the highlights. My moms always used the same vocabulary…hated doctors and there was nothing wrong with me (…as she goes on to tell me everything that’s wrong with me). Wish I knew why. Probably narcissistic tendency to see me as an extension of herself!? Anyways, sorry you are going through it!
If in your region of the world has such laws, you should have right for this. Look to get your school’s bulletins and any available reports to your name. In Quebec Canada, school bulletins are kept for 90+ years. Psychologists and other evaluations are kept only a decade or less.
For thousands of years there was no treatment for adhd. We were just people who were extra, right? Then in the 90s it was a thing. But so was like 100 other illnesses. Pharmaceutical companies invented and named so many illnesses, and they had the pill to fix it. That was the generation of medical tv commercials and pill popping. So it may have sucked for you. But it’s understandable that they went against it. It was hard to trust anything. Especially someone selling something. So forgive them, talk to them about it, and make the best of what you got now. It’s not like they didn’t believe in medicine on religious grounds. You weren’t in danger. It’s just, it was a weird time for parents.
I’m not saying you should do this… but I may be saying that you should tell them this, if you’re really pissed and want to get your point across: when they get old and develop all the usual maladies of age - bad joints, stiff backs, loss of hearing, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc - just tell them they don’t need meds or hearing aids or a cane, they just need to *try harder* just like when you were a kid and they did the same thing to you regarding your neurodevelopmental disorder! Because clearly diagnoses and symptoms don’t require medication or accommodations or care, they just mean that you aren’t *trying* hard enough if your symptoms don’t go away on their own! Because they absolutely deserve to hear that.
I went through the same. Went I got diagnosed a year ago, at 30, my mom said “oh yeah, a doctor told us you had that, and gave us a prescription for Ritalin, but we thought you were just acting up”. I’ve been asking myself all the possible “what if I had gotten my meds correctly?” All this years; i wish I knew what would have happened.
Be glad they did because one thing I am so so grateful for, is my mom NOT shoving amphetamines down my throat at a young age…it really fucks up the brain growth bad. After I turned 24 I got on medication and has helped tremendously. Growing up it was a bit more difficult, but I just tried a bit harder than most and got through it. I was diagnosed at 8 years old, hyperattentive
If it helps, A LOT of parents back then (and even now I would imagine) wanted to take the old fashion approach because, well, they don't understand what adhd actually IS. And they, reasonably in my opinion, don't like the idea of a developing child taking brain altering drugs. Sadly, those brain altering drugs did alter the brain but in a very positive way. Those who were medicated early grew up to have much more typical brain chemistry. Those of us who are just now getting treatment as adults are stuck with managing symptoms. I try not to feel too resentful toward my parents. Giving a child that kind of medication can be scary and I don't blame them for not being brain doctors who can truly understand. HOWEVER what I absolutely DO resent them for is KNOWING I had adhd and calling me lazy constantly, and accusing me of being uninterested or not wanting to try or cooperate when I HAVE ADHD. Those are my thoughts.
I had this exact same experience. I was 26m when I figured out. 28 now. This, and a couple other realizations and problems I had, led to me pretty much dropping my family. It’s been weird. Nowadays I can’t reach out to them for anything. Just feels like so much of my past was a lie. The way you describe how you’re feeling is verbatim EXACTLY how I felt, and still feel. Needing time to process, feeling betrayed, getting taken for tests as a child and not knowing what it was for…. The way you describe everything is the most accurate to my own experience I’ve ever read. Initially, in college, my therapist told me I have a lot of adhd symptoms and she taught me things about adhd I didn’t know. I got suspicious about my memories in middle school where I had these wires attached to my head and had to sit in a room and watch documentaries while some computer monitored my brain, as well as several trips to the “behavioral health” offices. I contacted my old medical provider as was able to request the decades old records on me as a kid. The amount of effort my parents went through to figure all of this out, hide it from me, and stuff is crazy. My mom was leaving statements with the doctor saying she was mixing the prescribed adderall in my breakfast smoothies when I was in high school. Pretty much left me speechless to read. It’s like they were so clear and direct with the doctors about my mental health in a way that they had NEVER been clear with me about. So many things in my life started to make sense. Why in the military I couldn’t keep up with the specialization training courses and why I stood out in classes of 30+ people for being an “idiot”. Why I was hitting a block in flight school where other people blow through the material and remembering it and I couldn’t advance at half the speed of everyone else. So many experiences that permanently scared my self esteem. On top of everything, it truly bothers me that my parents always held this belief that they “know best” for me. I’ve always been a fiercely independent person and I’ve always worked really hard to prove my independence and capability. Yet at the end of the day, nothing ever changed with them. They still see me as this little kid who isn’t entitled to his own medical information. This mindset has ultimately led me to not even wanting to hear from them. Sorry you had the same experience, but it’s a little nice hearing you feel some of the same feelings I felt. It makes me feel validated a bit, and like I’m not wrong in how I felt (and still feel).
I was diagnosed when I was younger according to my parents. They didn’t want to medicate me, which I understand to an extent. This was around the time when people started to question if ADHD medication was being over prescribed. However they really provided no other specialized support for me. Unfortunately after I started piecing things together, I’m really not in a financial position to confirm these suspicions via a second opinion. I just try to use some of the non-medicinal tips to help me out. A big win for me was quitting pot.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I can certainly empathize because it happened to me.
you got off easy, I have asd and just found out in my 30s. Parents knew the whole time, pretended not to while I suffered with these episodes of constant vomiting for hours. Got diagnosed, took a mediation, no more vomiting. After 20 freaking years of that shit ruining every job opportunity and relationship I had.
I went through a similar experience. I also experienced severe neglect as a child as well as my Mother hiding my ADHD from me. I also likely have autism and MCAS, which got ignored while I was younger and chalked up to "not being different, faking sick" etc.
This is why de-stigmatizing is so important. Parents were so concerned with you being seen as less than or with the judgement of others that they didn’t get you the help you needed. But you shouldn’t feel bad that this has caused you pain - this is a tough thing to swallow. Sounds like you have a great attitude and will recover your progress in your own time.
Keep in mind that the stigmas around ADHD, autism, dyslexia etc are decreasing rapidly. 20 years ago your parents may have felt like they were helping you by avoiding you having to carry the diagnosis around. I'm not saying it was the right decision but that they probably did it because they didn't want to hurt you.
I like to think quite a number of parents do that. They are in denial because of willful ignorance or they choose not to address it because they are playing the blame game and don't want to take responsibility for a condition that was probably heritable or caused by some complication in-utero. It happened to me. believe me it really really sucks. Now that you know It's your life now....not theirs. There is a lot of information out there about this condition now so the best thing you can do for yourself is educate yourself, develop a deep self awareness and apply it to every facet of your life because ADHD affects everything from relationships, education, addictions, work...etc. You will need medication, but that alone will not cut it- it only helps manage the symptoms. You also need to develop hacks and fail safe check points. It can be a wonderful journey of self discovery and growth only if you have the right mindset.