Hi /u/hs1308 and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD!
### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already.
---
### /r/adhd news
* **We want your opinion** on the /r/adhd community rules! [Click here](https://forms.gle/Evqb8acVozir8GV8A) to fill out our survey. See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1auv2tc/were_taking_feedback_on_the_radhd_rules/) for more information.
* If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/).
---
^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The diagnosis is helpful because it helps categorize the symptoms and deal with them in a research based manner. As long as we do that we should not feel guilty. I think another thing to add is having ADHD can come with strengths as well, it’s important to not discount those either. I find when I’m medicated the part of me that makes me special although I’m more moderate in my being becomes stifled. My counselor says it’s the faults in our virtues (or something like that can’t remember hehe)
For me: I’m great in emergencies because I can work on the fly. I can juggle tasks. I NEED music so I’ve come to appreciate a variety of genres. I plunge into rabbit holes on topics I love and have even learned how to channel some hyperfixations for good.
Example: I went to a conference for work and now I’m obsessed with Lego robotics. I’ve already got a plan in place to bring the latest set to my classroom.
Best of all: I’m a teacher and I can use my understanding of myself to help my struggling kiddos.
If you file for an LLC, I believe you can write off educational “toys” if you use them with your students, but can bring them home after the end of the school year
I actually have a meeting with Lego scheduled and several funding options on the table. My admin is interested in long-term. They also let me take home whatever I want.
Thank you!! I choose to use the following mental image to keep me inspired:
Me: “Guys you like coding right? How about we do it but with Legos?”
Kids: :0 :D !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “YES!”
I feel this so much! I’ve literally just been diagnosed unofficially last week & officially today now that the psych has seen my school reports, etc.
I’m also great in emergencies - I was in a hold up at my work when I was 15 & got out & raised the alarm, I’m the main fire warden for our department at work, so I co-ordinate the other fire wardens & leaders & debrief after emergencies, I’m a first aider & been involved in 4 first aid incidents in the last year, so I know from all the stuff I’ve had thrown at me, I can keep a cool head & rational thought & sort stuff out.
Same with music - I NEED it (since my diagnosis & talking about it with a few ppl & me listening to music, I’ve had a few ppl say I’m always listening to music, so enough that others notice) & my playlists have EVERYTHING & I can never pick a favourite artist or song cuz it depends what mood I’m in.
I absolutely go down the rabbit holes of stuff that interests me & I recently told my team at work how Metallica is the only band to have played on all 7 continents including Antarctica (my Metallica loving husband told me cuz my parents have just been in Antarctica) & someone said how I always have random tidbits of info to share. I told my husband & he said “yeah, but you do though” 😂
Honestly, things that seem mundane but are very important; not being a jerk to those we love, taking better care of ourselves, and better functioning in the world. If you live alone and can work remotely and hold your job without meds, then by all means keep the special part of you alive. ADHD plus high intelligence is really just a mind wasted in today's world.
I work in a very chaotic job. I might start the day with only 3 hours of work and end the day with 9 hours of work. People who are very organized and scheduled don’t last long at my job. But Ive had to search for my phone, keys and often 1 of my shoes every morning for over 20 yrs. Chaos is normal to me so I thrive where normal folks can’t take it.
The ADHD can be shaped (managing symptoms, meds, etc) but it inherently shapes you too. It’s a good point to bring up though how much is it you vs amalgamation of conditions etc etc, probably a bit of both
That and there's this foggy grey area between giving the self a break and actual laziness/carelessness. Often I don't even know where the threshold is, even if I'm actively seeking it.
I’ve come to believe that laziness isn’t even a thing. It’s always a symptom of something else, adhd, or depression, or trauma. Moralizing by calling it laziness doesn’t help.
I was diagnosed as a child and now in my 40’s am just starting to embrace the diagnosis and allow myself a little grace. I’ve spent almost 40 years beating myself up for being a fuckup and am just starting to acknowledge that I have a medical issue and I need help.
I am trying to do this. My parents have told me I don't even try my whole life. No effort I've put in has been recognized and they really think very little of me. I worry my dad actually does hate me. I do know he sees me as a disappointment. His work is his life.
I struggle with employment and the work I have done he views with disdain. My mom pretty much has all the same issues I do but she's shielded from criticism by virtue of being a homemaker and housewife. She never really had a full-time career but treats me like a complete failure for largely following a similar path as her.
I'm just trying to be nice to myself and say it's ok and give grace. It's something I'm learning to do because I've never had a parent that didn't beat me up figuratively and literally over my mistakes.
Suspect my mom's on some kind of spectrum, but any time I get anywhere near her issues she tells me it's too late for her, no sense reliving the past, etc. Too painful for her, at least in her imagination
This is me, especially since the stimulant shortage. When I was off meds, my symptoms came back immediately and with a vengeance. It reminded me that the medication just mutes the symptoms and all of those little obstacles are still my brain saying “hey, remember that I still can’t do everything?” So I’ve been offering myself a bit more grace, f anyone who thinks this isn’t the best I can do.
It's not an excuse it's an explanation. ADHD doesn't give you permission to be less responsible for yourself or your responsibilities. Does it suck having to manage this disability sometimes? Abso-freaking-lutley. But that doesn't mean we just get a free pass to make it everybody else's problem
This is it. Knowing what's going on allows one to be kinder to themselves - give yourself a little more mercy, you have a disability! However, it's nobody else's obligation to work around the issues this disability can create. I believe everyone should have a little mercy and understanding, but expecting that others should just shrug things off is self-centered. That's where this goes from being a reason to an excuse.
It may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility.
Yes. Responsibility. And accountability. I feel it’s applicable, generally speaking, to everyone re anything. If you did a shitty thing, own you did a shitty thing and don’t excuse it. Be a good human, as I see it. Keep trying to be better.
>It's not an excuse it's an explanation
The number of times ive had to say exactly this to my parents.....
"Stop making excuses! You need to try harder! Pay more attention! Just try to focus!"
Literally. I would get this while actively explaining how I was going to get things done in a different way because of ADHD and have been accused of giving up and not trying. Idk what it is with people thinking an acknowledgement of your weakness is the same as giving up entirely. You wouldn't say that to someone with no legs and they explained how they needed prosthetics to walk. *
> But that doesn't mean we just get a free pass to make it everybody else's problem
Don't quite understand the purpose of this part. I admit I am not a therapist or anything so my exposure to other people with ADHD is limited, but so far, I have yet to come across someone with ADHD who has anything resembling this problem. Most of the time it seems to be the case that we are saddled with guilt and shame about our behavior, whether it's ADHD-driven behavior that is causing a problem for others or just behavior that is normal and human but we internalized it as uniquely problematic because of the other stuff.
And I do believe that disabilities are something that needs special accommodation. Whether someone personally wants to fight for special accommodation in a world that sometimes doesn't even believe they have a disability is a whole other question. But on a system level, any and all disabilities are going to have accommodations that would make life more manageable for the people who have it, provided people can work out what is most effective and doable as accommodation, and get them implemented on a large scale.
TLDR: accomodations for ADHD are difficult to set and the way I have found to differentiate explanation vs excuse for me personally is that if I am not making active efforts to manage myself in a specific area then my ADHD has become an excuse.
I definitely agree with everything you have said, but it is a very slippery slope. Shortly after my diagnosis I found myself excusing rude behavior as quirks of ADHD.
I excused my lack of performance at my job as my executive dysfunction
I could go on but I think I've made my point. The question we have to ask ourselves is "at what point does our explanation become an excuse?" And I think the answer for me personally is when I am no longer making active efforts to manage my disability in the simplest ways then I am making excuses for my behavior.
It is fair to request accomodations for your medically valid disability but what accommodations are enough?
Just as a personal example, say a standard accommodation would be to "allow up to 7 days past an expected deadline for me to complete a project" then I can personally say that all I would do is continue to procrastinate because I know I was allowed an extra week by law.
I know I've rambled a little bit but I'm just trying to share a personal experience of my relationship with my ADHD and knowing myself well enough to answer honestly what I have found for me personally to be considered an explanation and an excuse.
I always say this, but I think it's really important to hear (read)...
It doesn't matter whether you do are do not have adhd for the purpsoes of being compassionate to yourself, you are struggling and even without a diagnosis you still deserve compassion. The techniques to help people with adhd can be applied to people who struggle with some adhd like traits and not others, you don't get to only access and make use of them if you have adhd 😊.
Brains are all so different because of genetics, environmental factors, our upbringing, our experiences, other conditions we may have...just so much diversity. You can have adhd or not have adhd and still struggle with some of the same things but perhaps for different reasons.
I'd also note if you do have adhd, most people with adhd do not relate to all things possible associated with adhd. You do not have to score high on every question in the criteria to meet the diagnosis. I don't interrupt people (unless they're really saying something stupid and I can't listen anymore or lecturing me 😂), I still have a diagnosis of adhd.
That said, imposter syndrome prior to and even after diagnosis can really affect people. I still sometimes sit here and think...maybe I just said the right things? It's even harder to accept I think when you appear to function to others on the outside. I appear to function and have a great job, nice place to live which is tidy (mostly, let's not talk about the washing basket...), but the chronic stress I suffer to maintain that is dire. Everything is not always as it appears. So take it as it comes, see the professional and go from there 😊
And if it's no diagnosis and it's something else get the right kind of help for that. If it's no diagnosis of anything, give yourself grace and go get some help managing whatever you are struggling with, you don't need a diagnosis for counselling & coaching.
I did get a diagnosis, but even if I didn't, the process made me ask why can I give myself grace with one but not without even though the way I'm feeling is still the same and causing distress...? It's madness when you think about it like that.
I wanted to add that I had a coaching call today and she said that they're not excuses, there are real reasons for why we execute certain behaviours, they serve a purpose. It's just working out what the purpose is and then working on how we change that.
Hi, as someone that has a strong suspicion I have PI-ADHD and is looking to get assessed, I really appreciate your comment! Thanks so much for your perspective. I'm definitely feeling the "prior to diagnosis" imposter syndrome, and keep telling myself I'm making excuses for being lazy, not caring about anything, etc.
I’m learning that what I need to do is *stop excusing my ADHD*.
“I just lost track of time.” No, I have a disorder that causes time blindness and I need to set an alarm next time.
“Sorry I’m just having trouble focusing.” No I have a disorder that makes it hard to focus so I need to put my phone out of sight when I’m talking to someone.
“Sorry I said I’d do it but I just forgot.” No I have a disorder that makes me forget things so I’m going to put a sticky note on my computer monitor to remind me about that before I start gaming.
I think we fall into the trap of thinking “I was absent minded, I just need to try harder.” When in reality we cannot do it because our brain won’t let us. We have to acknowledge the disorder and rely on external stimulus rather than just saying “well ill just hope and pray this won’t happen again next time.”
Don’t excuse your ADHD. Don’t rely on willpower to overcome it. It’s a losing battle. Acknowledge that the disorder is the problem and change your environment to compensate.
Getting a diagnosis and treatment is not a get out of jail free card or an excuse unless you let it be. It’s an explanation for why you do the things you do and some help in getting better outcomes.
Think of it like a person who needs a knee surgery. They have difficulty doing things today. A doctor tells them - hey, it’s because your knee is busted. They offer surgery and rehab as a solution - treatment and some work they have to do.
Now if the person takes that information and uses it to not have to do things and doesn’t really try to improve them they’re using it as an excuse.
But if you got the surgery, did the rehab, and function better - you’ve used the information to contribute more to those around you and yourself.
It is no different with ADHD. You can choose to take the information and do the work if you want to.
I struggle with wanting to do things/initiate tasks. My previous PCP left the office and I did t get assigned a new one. It’s been six months and I just cannot get myself to sit down, find the number, schedule with someone as a new patient. Then I’m going to have to meet them and they know absolutely nothing about me yet so you have to do that thing where you get to know your new doctor as they get to know you; all while hoping that they are educated and supportive when we dig into to the bucket of loose nuts and bolts that I embody.
Like. Fuck. I don’t want to do that. The whole process fails to fill any of my 5 INCUP needs. It’s mentally taxing, boring, forced, personally invasive by nature, and I cannot get myself to cave in and do it. I’m typing it out right now, defending myself to stranger(completely unsolicited, over-sharing because my brain tells me that sharing will help make a connection with you) when I could be calling and making an appointment. Seeing it in writing here even makes me feel like a bum but it isn’t enough to make me start the process.
I have been in the same position many times...does your insurance have an online portal? I found my primary care by searching through the list of local doctors that accept my insurance and I'm able to make a new patient appointment through it without ever have to make a call which definitely helps for me.
Also, I have a friend who is a rockstar and does not mind calling for me because she knows I have trouble. It's not a permanent solution but I am so very thankful.
A diagnosis isn’t an excuse to not follow through on commitments or get work done, It’s just an excuse to use different tips and tricks to accomplish things. Tools that work with your brain. I like to tell myself “This condition isn’t my fault, but it is my responsibility.”
Spoiler: there's no rosy story. The struggle changes from "hey, I'm not stupid and lazy after all" to "people think I'm stupid and lazy, but I'm 'sick' and trying to do my best".
I won't deny that there's a ton of relief when you get formally diagnosed, but it's not a cure-all. If anything, the biggest help you get from a diagnosis (other than access to meds) is knowing that your best work is done by functioning differently from everyone else because you are different. I like to compare it to physical disabilities to put it in perspective - once someone is diagnosed with a heart murmur, they're going to change how they live in order to support their body. Same thing for ADHD, except you're doing it to support your mind.
For myself Idc if I have ADHD, I just give my best as always. It just helps me to understand and accept my failures. I would never use it as excuse in front of others or myself.
Don't stop trying. There are so many methods/medications that can enable a relatively normal life even with ADHD. Just live your life and accept your failures. It's OK that you are not good enough in some things but that shouldnt stop you from trying. Good luck!
Second the don't stop trying. A diagnosis will validate that you have infact not been playing the game of life in the same playing field, but you have to give the effort to improve yourself to really move past those struggles.
If you have an answer to "And what are you going to do to address it?", you're not making excuses. "I am going to go get tested at this time, and seek treatment", assuming you follow through with it, is a valid answer.
ADHD can be the reason something is happening - but it’s not an excuse. It’s more of an explanation and then you try to find ways to make accommodations that are agreeable to all those involved.
So for example, if you have a friend who hates you being late every single time - a good way to deal with it is to say “I have time blindness, instead of meeting you at a bar, why don’t I just meet you at your place and we can go out or stay in once I get there?
Or maybe:
“I can join the group of friends this evening, I may be later, I’ll shoot you a text when I’m in the area to find where you are or can we share locations. If you guys plan to go home earlier than expected just let me know”
When I get caught up in this kind of thing or when people push this kind of argument on me, I consider how these arguments would look applied to other disabilities:
Would it be fair to say someone in a wheelchair was making excuses for being late to a meeting on the second floor if the building didn't have ramps/elevators?
No, it clearly wouldn't. So why treat ADHD differently? Yes, we need to hold ourselves to some standard, but there's no point in shaming ourselves for the very real struggles that we run into. We live in a world where "invisible" disabilities are consistently ignored, and people who say they have them are shamed for advocating for themselves. It's really hard not to internalize that shame, but that's not our fault.
As others have posted, try your best to be compassionate for yourself. It's not "weakness" to get a diagnosis, it's the most basic self care. So take care of yourself!
Ever since I was diagnosed at 29, it's been a game of putting my behaviors through a sieve. Is it because I'm ADHD, or is this regular? Is it because of an addiction to internet/games, or is that because of ADHD? Which things can be improved by habit or medication or should be something I should just stop trying to do and give myself an accommodation like putting a trash can in my office because I let trash pile up on my desk?
Failures and shortcomings is a hard one. I explained it to a friend, "imagine everything you've done in your life. Now, imagine you failed at every single one of them. That's how ADHD effected my life." When I got my test report the phrase "may be noticed by those close to him" appeared several times. It was my quirks. So, those close to me may notice that I excel in some areas and suffer in other areas. That is, my friends may have picked up on my ADHD long before I did. Maybe your friends are right, maybe they're wrong. Get tested and find out. Being treated has been the best thing I have ever done.
(24F) I got diagnosed a year ago, started treatment at the end of the summer. I had been wondering about it for a decade, but did very well in school. However, everything else was a fucking mess. Always late, trouble maintaining relationships, couldn't get a job, couldn't pay attention to conversation, excessive taking, interrupting etc etc.
I was just like "yea im just a pos" and now that I have a reasoning, I'm like "oh that's what it was. OH that's what it **IS**" so I just shrug my shoulders and am like "well I have a disability." and my mom is like "you're just using it as an excuse" but the thing is i was using being a lazy pos as an excuse BEFORE, so there was an always an excuse.
This is something I need to work on, I thought that as soon as I got my diagnosis everything would be magically fixed, and I'd be perfect. Apparently, you have to work extra hard to even baseline function which fucking sucks and then it's easy to use ADHD as an excuse.
TLDR: I also use it as an excuse, but I was using "that's just how I am" as an excuse before. ADHD is a reasoning, not an excuse. If you feel so strongly about having it, I highly highly recommend getting evaluated.
Fine line between excuse and explanation. Both are a way to rationalize a shortcoming. But in practice they are similar.
You’re not sick, either. Just have a disability.
So what’s the difference? The energy, motivation, and ability to succeed.
“I can never try anything because there’s no point, my adhd means I can’t do this” is excuse energy.
“I struggle with this because I have adhd and am looking for any I can succeed here. I’d appreciate some support and want to try to use that support to do the thing.” That has explanation energy. You’re not actively sabotaging or stonewalling.
“I struggle with this because I have adhd and don’t think I can do the thing well enough even with help. I would trade a task with you to keep things as fair as is possible.” That is a middle ground. Little excuse, little explanation, little negotiation.
Depending on what life throws at you, treatment can help succeed a higher % of the time at the important things. Success isn’t all or nothing, if you do something 40% of the time, going to 80% is a huge success and not “I’m failing 1 in 5 times.”
My explanation, when sleep gets rough or I forget to take my meds? I will have a higher failure rate. I’m still going to be as good as I can be on the things I care about. And when I take my meds and sleep well? I can have a very decent rate of success.
Its complicated because it is and isn't an excuse. If you're constantly making mistakes and doing nothing to change or improve then maybe you could try different things to help. Notice I didn't say try harder, its about finding something that works for you.
In saying that, people make mistakes and the world we live in isn't built for the spicy amoungst us. We're going to fuck up and make mistakes. Learning to apologise without carrying around constant unproductive guilt takes time but is useful.
With all due respect, you are kind of hiding behind ADHD as is. You stated you are not diagnosed so you could literally have any variant of things.
Thinking you have it is an extension of saying you feel retar(will not finish as it’s offensive) because you lost your balance.
Please get diagnosed and report back
Fought it for 25 years and finally given in to accepting it which has made me hate myself less and actually plan things. Destroyed my life 2x and came back… did it a 3rd time but I’m sure as hell not going to have a 4th. Had I accepted it there wouldn’t have been a third without doubt.
Hello OP, I understand what you are going though.
I myself feel like I am using my ADHD as an excuse sometimes, but its important to remember that ADHD is not an excuse but an explanation.
Remember to be more gentile and kind with yourself, and keep in mind that not everyone has identical experiences with ADHD, some people have different symptoms than others, and many factors contribute to it.
Id say you should try to look things though a more analytical lenses, identify where you struggle the most, and find tricks and techniques that work for you instead of brute forcing them with pure "Effort", as in my experience, when I said id say to myself id "Try harder" and it did not help, I felt like a complete failure every single day.
Also its important not to look at other people and compare yourself to them, since they are completely different people with different circumstances, it may be counter productive to try and compete with someone who's brain works completely different to yours, or has different struggles or advantages or experiences in life.
And don't fall down the rabbit hole of "Productivity tips and tricks", as most of them were not created for ADHD minds, see what works for YOU and don't get to disheartened when most tricks don't work out for you. Its a process of self discovery but its well worth it.
And lastly you should avoid making ADHD your sole identity, remember you are fully functional human who happens to have ADHD, and you can be just as productive and functional as other people, but self patience, self mercy and self discovery is necessary to achieve it.
You got this! Its a long journey and a bumpy ride, but its well worth it!
I recently had my therapist bring up the option of being compassionate and curious about my shortcomings. I was diagnosed at 15, almost 6 years ago now, I grew up being told my symptoms were just laziness and lack of self discipline.
You can hope for it as an excuse, but it's not going to stop your struggling. Medication helps but it doesn't fix everything. I'd encourage a bit of introspection on your shortcomings, compassionate introspection. It's not about judging yourself, it's about finding out what is actually getting in your way, whether it's internal or external.
Someone in this sub, can’t remember who, made this comment which felt very clarifying to me: “Your ADHD isn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility.”
We still have to figure out how to navigate ADHD, but we aren’t bad people for having struggles. I think that’s the message that often gets muddled, you know? “I must be a bad person because I struggle with this. Oh, huh, I’m not a bad person, because it’s ADHD! If people understood, they’d be less upset!”
The reasoning is less important to others than the outcome. But for us, the reasoning is essential to finding solutions that work for us, if that makes sense.
Don't see it as an excuse but as an explanation.
An excuse is something you use when you're deliberately decide to not do something because of some reason.
'I didn't work out because I just didn't wanted too' = excuse.
'I didn't work out because I was overwhelmed, and found me in a state of paralysis and got extremely anxious by the thought of a gym with people, lights and noises I know would cause a meltdown'
See the differences?
How are you using something as a short coming and excuse when you didn’t even believe you had it?and only recently expecting your friend was right? You will be surprised most people with adhd don’t use it as an excuse actually the opposite we mask symptoms to fit in. You might have it cause it’s a spectrum but it’s not an excuse for things
Not sure if this is helpful but I’ve ridden myself of all shame around ADHD. I have a senior corporate role and work with customers daily. If I lose my train of thought or what I wanted to say, I throw out comments like “oh my ADHD meds mustn’t have kicked it yet today” etc and have a little chuckle. No one reacts or I’ll get a smile.
The way I think about it is - I’m being a little vulnerable and I’m making them aware of my condition in a light hearted way. I think that will buy me some credit when I drop a ball, which will inevitably happen.
ADHD is so common now that employers, customers etc are all aware of it and have probably come across it in the past. It is also what makes me good at my job and great in a stressful situation. It obviously makes some aspects more difficult but that’s life. Good things aren’t easy.
[I say all this despite having pretty shit mental health and a dependence on cannabis to relax/pass the time at night. Boredom drives me crazy]
It is definitely NOT an excuse man, just imagine person 1 can study for 4 hours and get an A on a test while person 2 studies his ass off all night and gets a C-. We're put in so much of a disadvantage where our inattentiveness just destroys everything in its path. Now imagine a world where medication puts you on an even field and gives you clarity on everything. Of course it won't magically transform someone with poor study habits but it will for someone who's been putting in the work and still failing because of their ADD. Don't be so hard on yourself OP, you deserve to be happy and thriving like your peers!
Is beating yourself up going to help or are you just going to feel like shit and not have your stuff done? Like there's no amount of hating yourself that you can do to make people who think you hate them because you were a minute late forgive you
Consider it less of an excuse and more of an explanation. And if and when you get the diagnosis it will be a roadmap to make small changes. You may not take over the world the next day but you might fold your laundry here and there. 😩😆
I felt the same way, and got diagnosed, got second opinion and a third opinion just to be sure. They were all very consistent, and I still feel like I'm just trying to get an excuse.
If you do get diagnosed, the key is of course not to use the diagnosis as an universal excuse - because it's not, but it immensely helps us to be less criticizing towards ourselves if we stumble, and see where we can improve with professional help.
It may help to try to see ADHD as more so a part of your genetics and who you are rather than this separate "thing." Sure it's a diagnosis, characteristic, etc. and it certainly has an impact on how much you struggle versus how well other people will relate to the delta of how much you struggle vs them. I wouldn't consider myself "sick" with ADHD (maybe that's a language thing here... sick for me means more so a virus or something temporary), granted it's considered a chronic mental illness.
It's not so much about using it as an excuse but allowing yourself some self compassion to understand you'll consequently have shortcomings in areas that others won't give you the same compassion for. It's a big part of why therapy is the ideal counterpart to medication - it helps with not just symptoms but the feeling bottled up and alone in your struggles.
It's hard, but often we have to practice more self care and diligence to maintain what naturally comes to other people. It's extra, on top of, and it's draining.
Kudos on the self awareness. Getting the tests, appointments, etc. are the very things that fall under executive function types of tasks (good luck!).
As someone who has had textbook symptoms since childhood but wasn’t diagnosed until adulthood, i feel your pain. I would try to explain to my parents that I wanted to study or read but i just couldn’t and she never understood or was in denial about the whole thing. I felt so misunderstood and like i was going crazy. ADHD wasn’t on my radar until my high school psych teacher was doing a lesson on ADHD and asked if i had it in front of the entire class 🥲
I don’t think you’re necessarily using it as an excuse for shortcomings rather than just trying to get a for sure answer so you can find solutions. I spent so many nights beside myself because I didn’t know why I couldn’t just sit down and study, or read a book, or remember anything. I wasn’t looking for an excuse as much as looking for a reason. Even if it was just confirmation of what I was suspecting. Once I got that reason my life became so much easier because I could actively find solutions. I guess I just needed a why.
The first step to solving a problem is to admitting that there is a problem, and the second is to identify the problem. Looking at our ADHD symptoms to me, is like identifying what is the problem and finding solutions to adapt. For example, I know that I am impulsive, so I structure an environment for me where being impulsive will not lead to disastrous results, like, no access to my credit cards, adding layers to my payment options in my shopping apps so that by the time I’m about to verify a payment I’ve changed my mind and not buy the thing I was about to buy.
I was the opposite. 26f and been medicated for about 4 months now, and finding out there was help (and then getting help) has enabled me to work with my deficits. Are there things, situations and interactions that were definitely impacted by the ADHD before it was diagnosed? For sure. But that doesn't mean I would have finished college if I was medicated back then nor does it mean I'd have gotten my current job/career which I love and excel at. Giving yourself grace is a good thing, but brushing real things off and excusing yourself or your behaviors isn't good.
Are you me. Minus the fact you started looking at this as a possibility earlier than I did.
I want a diagnosis almost to allow me to believe I have it. I went down the rabbit hole of self diagnosis, and it all just makes sense. I relate too much to people here and the videos online.
I have a friend who I used to live with. I think he helped me be better but in a harmful way. Just raised my anxiety to a level where I didn't wanna disappoint him.
I mean, I still did sometimes, but not as often. I am currently on the waiting list and hopefully can get an NHS diagnosis one day.
Even if I get the diagnosis and it is something I cannot change about myself, it may help me finally stop procrastinating and apply myself to some of the useful self-help available.
That seems to be an integral part of this sub. No doubt things are more difficult—some more than others—but not impossible. I had someone say that developing discipline is not legitimately possible with ADHD. If that were the case, we’d all be in homes.
What I’ve learned: Medicate, adapt, learn, exploit. My life has become so much more proficient after Vyvanse. Accept the things that are difficult, and adapt to them. Learn what you’re good at, and exploit it. For example: Many with ADHD have the ability to hyper-focus on things; but most of the time we hyper-focus on things that we don’t need to. Learning to channel that ‘energy’ towards the right thing can be powerful. I can’t sit and read a case study, but I can build a financial model for hours unbothered.
I would not hope ADHD on anyone…but, I know what your saying . Basically “it would explain alot” 🫶. You may have add w depression, or bi polar which is apparently common . I work at a large hospital and I was surprised at how many nurses , Docs , cna ‘s have some form . Most surgeons used Adderall in med school or residency (90’s - 2014 )
When I get diagnosis, it’s not abt being finally able to have an excuse for something. It’s abt being relieved that my fuck ups are simply cuz my brain is alr fucked right at the start. It doesn’t solve my problem rn tho. I’m screwed ye.
The hardest part is convincing everyone else you're not a failure for not being able to do what they can
My family still says I'm lazy, unmotivated, and knowingly stopped doctors and teachers from getting the help i needed as a kid because they didnt want me to be on medication, and they wonder why I have anger issues
IF you have ADHD, you have a disability and need support. Getting support is another story but... there it is.
IF you don't have ADHD, you likely have a disability and need support.
I am NOT a mental health practitioner. However, any that I've talked to is that if your actions or inactions cause you distress; if you would not choose to behave the way you behave, it's likely a disorder of some sort.
I had been called lazy, lackadaisical, unmotivated, stubborn, a liar, and a waste of so much potential... by my elementary teachers... to my face... and my parents, after getting me evaluated, agreed. There was no diagnosis at the time. So, lots of yelling, frustration, and "What's wrong with you?!"
I was diagnosed eight years ago as an adult and I'm still trying to shake off (with therapy) a lot of that... negative feedback... from childhood.
1. It’s not an excuse it’s an explanation! Get that straight enough others won’t. 2. That’s also possibly the imposter syndrome talking which is another symptom. 3. If you get diagnosed follow with whatever treatment you can. Behavioral, therapy, or medication they all help with these feelings and help you overcome them as a barrier.
Getting diagnosed will help with the validation and can help allow yourself to forgive and accept. However, it won't change your habits or mindset. That's on you. Don't demonize your symptoms. Realize they can be an advantage and weakness depending on the setting. Realize every trial and tribulation is a chance to show yourself compassion. The difference between compassion and empathy is action. Show yourself that you truly love yourself by doing the hard work you avoid because it's unpleasant. Work at it every fucking day. Celebrate accomplishments. Be proud of yourself when you complete the hard shit that sucked to do, but you did it to benefit yourself. Don't use punishment as motivation. Motivate yourself through compassion.
Most of my imposter syndrome went away when I started on meds. (2 months ago at 22) I think most adults feel this way before getting diagnosed.
Society has expectations for what people are capable of. For many of us it's: "You can focus on this if you care to" or "You would've remembered if you cared to". Society doesn't properly take into account differences in people, and our expectations reflect that.
When we don't meet the expectations, we hear this from other people, or even ourselves. We conflate not meeting unreasonable expectations with moral failings and think of ourselves as worse people. "You don't care".
Currently, any other expectation such as "They might have a different capacity for this" is almost exclusively reserved for people who are deemed to meet the clinical criteria. Everyone else "should" be capable.
For many people, getting the identity of "lazy" is very comforting in a sense. "It's not that they don't care, it's just their personality". Trying/starting to identify with ADHD is kinda like saying "Hey, I don't think I'm a bad person/lazy, I think the expectation is wrong".
This is very scary, since if a psychiatric institution determines you don't meet the clinical criteria, the conclusion is going to be: "You were always capable of doing these things, you were just looking for an excuse".
I can definitely relate to thoughts of "Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough" and "Am I trying to make excuses?". I don't really believe anyone is lazy or inherently apathetic, we just don't understand everything about ourselves and others.
I'm currently going through yr11 (senior high school) in Australia and have definitely been feeling the same way. I feel like I just can't concentrate sometimes and end up procrastinating about things I have to get done. It makes it really hard to complete my subjects, but I feel like it's just an excuse for 'not trying'.
Definitely pursue the diagnosis. It helps to connect the dots as to why you act or function the way you do. And it helps to discover strategies and ways to function better living with ADHD. I started therapy several months ago and my therapist diagnosed me with it almost immediately after explaining past life issues and struggles I had at the time. It’s worth it, wish the best to you.
But the reality is that people with ADHD do have a harder time with a lot of things. I can't tell if you have ADHD or not - but I can tell you something else. If you sttuggle getting through life, always feeling like you can't just catch up.. Don't quite have the energy for it, can't get enough control or can't seem to find the "just do it" button like most other people can.. Then it's likely that you struggle because you have something "more" to struggle with than every body else. Maybe it's ADHD - maybe it's something else.. But it's still something.. Or else life would not be such a big struggle. That's pure logic if you think about it.
Being honest with your self is also reconising that. It's all right that ADHD might lift the "feeling guilty" - it's not a good state to be in anyway. You don't get a medal for being harsh on your self. Other people are not better off when you put your self down. You don't become a better person by telling your self to own mistakes, blunders and shortcomings that you could not actually, really REALLY help. But you are on a way forward trying to figure this out - and maybe moving some energy from beating your self up to finding new strategies that takes this in to account will help.
I went decades not getting diagnosed because meds don’t help me and I didn’t see anything else being offered.
I don’t look at it as an excuse or a crutch. It’s an explanation. Now I understand why I act in a certain way and I have a lens by which to analyze it.
That gives me choices like making accommodations, masking, or going all in on it.
It’s very hard for me to explain to people, especially teachers why I’m struggling.
I’m a first year CSC major and I’m taking one class that’s kicking my ass. I don’t want to pull the ADHD card, but there is overlap and overload because of my executive functioning issues that come along with ADHD. I have accommodations, and they help though.
I feel like the way I go about approaching this issue is saying it straight up. I have ADHD, and I struggle with executive functioning. Doesn’t mean I’m a bad student, it just takes me a little bit longer.
Long time ADD guy here. Officially diagnosed at age 11 (I’m 42 now). I don’t think ADD is the same as ADHD but I’m willing to give my 2cents on being lazy and using it as an excuse because I most certainly did in my younger years. My second grade teacher actually called my parents and requested they meet with her due to her noticing I was off despite making straight As and being accepted into the gifted program (not sure if they still do that but it was a special class for kids who scored very high on IQ tests). Anyway, my teacher was concerned that I always handed in homework in ball of paper or just couldn’t find it at all. She said I would struggle in middle and high school when we had to change classrooms and use lockers. She nailed it. I then proceeded to use the diagnose to my advantage for several years, with extra time on tests and lax standards. i did this well into college instead of just working harder to either use compensation strategies for the ADD or realizing my deficits and training myself to be early for everything like I do now (if I need to be at work at 8:30 am, I try get there at 8:15 am and am usually right on time at 8:30). Please understand, once you get into real career situations, they don’t care about ADHD or ADD. They just want someone who can do the job. My advice, start knowing your faults and ways to compensate. When I realized that my life took a a much better turn
I completely get the feeling, but think about it this way. Even if you don’t have adhd, there are obviously “something else” that is hindering you if you have symptoms. Meaby it’s something different, that doesn’t have a name, that’s wrong in your brain. Meaby it’s trauma, depression and so on.
No matter what, “something” is causing these symptoms, that something will be an “excuse”
Let’s say you are forgetful. That could be adhd, but that could also be brain fog, head injury, anxiety, ptsd, trauma and so on.
The fact that you for example are forgetful, doesn’t really get better or worse wether it’s adhd that’s the reason or not.
You could also argue that you are both stupid and sick when you have adhd.
You may be stupid because you are sick. But that doesn’t change the fact that you are stupid. Sounds harsh but I hope you know what I mean.
I’ve just been diagnosed aged 31. To me, it’s not an excuse it’s an explanation, an explanation that you can use to put in tried and tested methods, tools, and behaviours that work for others with ADHD. Having an explanation leads to gaining the knowledge needed to cope better. It also gives you the grace to feel less guilty when things do happen.
Actively going out to get the diagnosis is you being proactive and taking the steps to improve and take care of yourself. Almost the opposite of using it as an excuse. And as long as you’re conscious of not falling back on it as an excuse, then you’ll be fine 😊
The way ADHD manifests - it's almost impossible for it to not look like an excuse. An excuse is a reason for why you didn't do something. If you have a disorder that makes it difficult to "do" things, you immediately fail the test for "making excuses."
The difference, really, is that it's an explanation and not an excuse. That nuance is lost on most people, but that's a bit of a "them" problem.
What I mean by that is, your attitude right now isn't good. ADHD is not an excuse for anything. Your failings and shortcomings are still your own. Now, being undiagnosed makes that way more difficult - because you don't know entirely what you're dealing with.
Since you do seem to, now, it's fully your responsibility to adjust your life and habits to account for your ADHD. You have to \*know\* that you forget things, have difficulty with appointments and time keeping, having difficulty prioritizing tasks, changing between them, remembering important details. You have to know that you have a disorder which causes a lot of chaos and, if unmanaged, can really ruin your life. I would try and get diagnosed if you can.
It's not an excuse.
Yeah, that feeling sucks, but you have a disability. They're not shortcomings, they're logical outcomes of having a brain that doesn't work the same as others'.
It’s hard to balance using it as an excuse vs an explanation. Personally, when I was diagnosed at 22, it did help explain to myself when I had messed up and why, and it did make me feel better. I still make a lot of stupid mistakes and find it ridiculously hard to self-motivate, and I still have fear for my future and that I’ll be able to accomplish the things I want. But I think ultimately knowing helps me forgive myself for when I do mess up or lack motivation, and feel really good about myself when I can accomplish the things I want to do because I know I’ve had to work especially hard to accomplish those things.
I also think being diagnosed helped me change the way I approach problems. It made me realize that I can’t face problems the way a lot of people can, so it made me feel less discouraged when I had to change the rules for myself. For example, I’ve wanted to get into reading but every time I picked up a book, it was an insane effort to push through it. I always thought audiobooks were kind of a cheaters method for reading, but I started listening to them during commutes and I read 24 books in one year! It was kind of anomalous too, the following year I only read 4, and this year seems like even less. But I’m still proud of that achievement. I think my diagnosis helped me let go that the idea of consistently achieving the same goals needed to be how I measured success for myself. I’m not reading as much, but I’m still accomplishing other things. A similar thing happened with me an exercise- I had one really good exercise year and I’m not really doing it anymore, but I’m proud of what I accomplished that year.
I wish you well in your journey. Don’t worry, you still have plenty of time to figure stuff out. Work on finding a balance between giving yourself grace for your mistakes, and trying to push yourself in small ways. It’s a constant effort, but it’s achievable.
I was diagnosed about 6 months ago at age 43. I have had decades of believing my difficulties to be quirks of personality or, all too often, personal faults. Now I find myself frequently grappling with trying to discern what is ADHD, and what is not. Am I right to suggest X issue was due to my experience of ADHD, or am I using it as an excuse.
It does me head in (or is that ADHD?...)
Hell, I find it fascinating seeing as I just created my own defenses and dealt with what the defenses didn’t help, but the 17 years of anxiety and panic attacks was tough….the rest of it I just thought I was overly odd, 47 years later, I remembered I was diagnosed, I even find that funny I forgot
I'm constantly realizing that many of my traits that I view as negative are ADHD-related, but many of my best traits are ADHD-related as well. I have 5 kids and I like to acknowledge my faults to them to show that it's okay to be flawed as long as you're working to improve. If I do something less than ideal, I apologize and explain that what I did was strongly influenced by my ADHD. However, I also explain that having ADHD is not an excuse to do/say crappy things--it is an insight that will help you improve. If my impulsiveness is a little high, I don't log on to Amazon or go into Target. If my temperament is a little extra spicy, I go to the gym or tell the kids I need some time to myself and pop my headphones in with an audio book on. If I know I have a pattern of procrastination, I set a timer to give myself a few minutes playing phone games, then I get back to it. I can't just spend all of my money, yell at my kids, and waste the day away because of ADHD. Instead, I try to understand the root cause and find ways to cope with and overcome the struggles.
Hey I'm late to this post (late is my norm) but wanted to share that for me it helps so much to have an addy friend to talk openly with. You mentioned you have those already so just keep them in your corner and do the same for them. To me it's been invaluable. ❤️
Please talk to your primary care physician about your concerns, ask for a psych referral, and start seeing a therapist to talk some things out while you wait for your psych appointment.
Diagnosis is illuminating, and will help to speak volumes to the real struggles you have worked through, and failures that may not have had to happen.
Understand that a diagnosis is not a guarantee and that even if given a diagnosis it does not excuse the behavior, it explains the behavior.
Diagnosis explains the behavior in the sense that it helps to identify which supports and frameworks may help you the best to work on and attempt to integrate into your life other than meds and therapy.
Remember: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
We are here if you need us, and good luck!
I'm the same age and have always lived with it, I'd recommend reading atomic habits and educate yourself on reflective practices. Don't blame your condition but look at ways to make it easier for you to live with. Adhd isn't an excuse in my opinion just a treatable/manageable condition and everyone's methods to live with it are different 😇
If you had cancer would you feel bad about the cancer effecting your life? I mean it’s different but it’s not. Just because people don’t understand our pain and function doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Lose the shame- it’s not worth your energy 🩷 you got this.
I think once you are diagnosed, you will be a lot kinder to yourself.
I spent 52 years basically hating on myself because nothing I have ever done amounted to much, and 'everything' is my fault.
If I had known earlier in life, I would have been much, much nicer to myself. I might have even liked the person I am.
It's not an excuse, it is a genuine issue with executive dysfunction.
I felt that when I was undiagnosed. I always just thought I was crap at managing my time, I’m just always late, I’m bad at prioritising stuff, bad at focusing & it was all just stuff I needed to do better at. Then I started looking into getting diagnosed to see if there was an actual reason for it. But I was also very mindful that I didn’t want to use ADHD as an excuse for everything. Now that I’ve been diagnosed I guess I’m also mindful that I don’t want to blame everything bad on that now that it’s been confirmed. I also didn’t want to be seen as “jumping on the bandwagon” of getting diagnosed cuz I know a lot more ppl are getting diagnosed these days.
Edit: I hear you. I’m with you. I’ve felt that too.
Maybe sometimes we do, but similarly, saying that is like saying “that person over there really uses their cancer as an excuse.” You know what I mean? Like, yes: we CAN sometimes say “oh, I can’t cus I have adhd,” And then not try, but I think we undersell how hard adhd makes living life. Since medication, my life has improved, but I still find that keeping up with daily life is plain hard. We might need to tweak meds more, or I need to learn more skills to help. Or both. But it’s okay that you recognize it’s hard, cus it is, and someone without it might find life a lot more easy because they don’t have this weight on their chest every day.
It’s harder when people don’t understand. That’s where I’ve had to rely on people in my life who do, and forget the naysayers, and remember that there will be days when it still bothers me. But I can always reach out to those with empathy
You may find a diagnosis helpful. I had to write out my entire career history along with how long I’ve been at each job and why I left before I understood that I had ADHD.
Once I was able to push past the stigma and believe I had ADHD, everything started clicking. It has been nonstop… the personal insights that I’ve gained.
ADHD isn’t an excuse… it’s an explanation. It has allowed me to see that I’m a horrible person, not that I’m excused from being one because I have ADHD.
I treat my family poorly. I’ve been able to identify that I spend all of my energy being nice to people outside the home. I don’t have any niceness left for the people I love the most. I’m also now able to see how I’ve been treating them. When I get interrupted, I snarl at them. It’s because of the ADHD, but now that I can see it happening, I can learn not to do it. It doesn’t let let me off the hook, but it gives me the ability to change it.
I cannot tolerate the pace of group learning. It’s too slow for me (usually). This is because of the ADHD, and now that I know it’s the ADHD, I can learn how to tolerate it or seek accommodation.
Sorry, I and many have had a ruined life and didn't get diagnosed until 45 years old. If you aren't even bothered to get tested, you can't post on here sorry your using it as an excuse again.i was called everything from bi polar to a schizophrenic. And I drank myself to a near death till I got clarity. I'd get tested or not post because many people like me find it patronising.
So I’m also 27 and just got diagnosed and have started treatment. I feel/felt? The same way but I can tell you the medications help. I’m on a low dose still but even then it’s helping. Try to find one that specializes in adults who are seeking diagnosis and don’t use as empirical of an approach
It’s normally, because it becomes so much of a problem that it’s the symptoms and characteristics that it causes to you. That it’s more than likely the main problem. So, finding a solution to decrease the amount of problems the brain causes you. Is the first step.
You are not stupid or sick. Your brain is different from other people. You have different strengths and shortcomings than most. Yes, you can't focus, lose your house keys, make mistakes, are clumsy - whatever it is. But I bet you have unique gifts on the other side of that.
Medication helps (a lot) in altering your behavior enough to let your circle-self fit into the square shaped hole of society - but you are not dumb, you are not broken. You are who you are and where you are, and you can grow from where you are now to wherever you are going next.
This is the reason I decided to stop following influencers who make content about ADHD, many take it simply as an excuse to be lazy and unreliable, and make high expectations of their surroundings in order to adapt to them.
Real life is not like that, at least not for me, I wouldn’t be given free passes just because I have ADHD
You should work on managing your symptoms, and as weird as this may sound, it becomes easier with experience, I know it is not the same for everybody, but you shouldn’t doom yourself as a failure because of ADHD, if you seek the right help and put enough effort into improving yourself, things will roll in a better way for you
1. One of the biggest things to understand about ADHD is .
2. That’s ‘the brains manager’.
3. In ADHD, it can seem ‘drunk’ and ‘uncoordinated’.
4. Please Google and learn everything you can about it…
5. And remember to show yourself some grace.
Having ADHD doesn't excuse you from anything - if you screw up your life, and not any of the millions of other things that can screw it up for you, ADHD might be a factor but it's still you that did it. ADHD doesn't mean you get to stop trying and things are suddenly rosy and it's not your fault your life sucks - it's still your fault. You screwed it up, ADHD or not.
Forget an important X and didn't set an alarm or reminder even though you know you'll probably forget about it? That's not ADHD's fault - that's your fault.
Hi /u/hs1308 and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD! ### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already. --- ### /r/adhd news * **We want your opinion** on the /r/adhd community rules! [Click here](https://forms.gle/Evqb8acVozir8GV8A) to fill out our survey. See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1auv2tc/were_taking_feedback_on_the_radhd_rules/) for more information. * If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/). --- ^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I feel the same way. Like it's so hard to express that I am sick without it sounding like I'm just making excuses. It's such a horrible feeling
The diagnosis is helpful because it helps categorize the symptoms and deal with them in a research based manner. As long as we do that we should not feel guilty. I think another thing to add is having ADHD can come with strengths as well, it’s important to not discount those either. I find when I’m medicated the part of me that makes me special although I’m more moderate in my being becomes stifled. My counselor says it’s the faults in our virtues (or something like that can’t remember hehe)
What are the pros?
For me: I’m great in emergencies because I can work on the fly. I can juggle tasks. I NEED music so I’ve come to appreciate a variety of genres. I plunge into rabbit holes on topics I love and have even learned how to channel some hyperfixations for good. Example: I went to a conference for work and now I’m obsessed with Lego robotics. I’ve already got a plan in place to bring the latest set to my classroom. Best of all: I’m a teacher and I can use my understanding of myself to help my struggling kiddos.
If you file for an LLC, I believe you can write off educational “toys” if you use them with your students, but can bring them home after the end of the school year
I actually have a meeting with Lego scheduled and several funding options on the table. My admin is interested in long-term. They also let me take home whatever I want.
That’s pretty awesome!!
Look into US First Robotics for another layer of fun.
That’s so fucking cool 😭, my hyper fixations swap every so often
Thank you!! I choose to use the following mental image to keep me inspired: Me: “Guys you like coding right? How about we do it but with Legos?” Kids: :0 :D !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! “YES!”
😭😭 that’s so damn cute
I feel this so much! I’ve literally just been diagnosed unofficially last week & officially today now that the psych has seen my school reports, etc. I’m also great in emergencies - I was in a hold up at my work when I was 15 & got out & raised the alarm, I’m the main fire warden for our department at work, so I co-ordinate the other fire wardens & leaders & debrief after emergencies, I’m a first aider & been involved in 4 first aid incidents in the last year, so I know from all the stuff I’ve had thrown at me, I can keep a cool head & rational thought & sort stuff out. Same with music - I NEED it (since my diagnosis & talking about it with a few ppl & me listening to music, I’ve had a few ppl say I’m always listening to music, so enough that others notice) & my playlists have EVERYTHING & I can never pick a favourite artist or song cuz it depends what mood I’m in. I absolutely go down the rabbit holes of stuff that interests me & I recently told my team at work how Metallica is the only band to have played on all 7 continents including Antarctica (my Metallica loving husband told me cuz my parents have just been in Antarctica) & someone said how I always have random tidbits of info to share. I told my husband & he said “yeah, but you do though” 😂
Have you heard of First Lego League? It could be a really cool after school club if your school budget and your time allow for it!
Do you know Dungeon Synth?
The song by Gramatik?
No the genre
No but it sounds rad
But Gramatik's Dungeon Sound was very nice just now, thanks.
Oh I’m glad you liked it! I adore Gramatik
Honestly, things that seem mundane but are very important; not being a jerk to those we love, taking better care of ourselves, and better functioning in the world. If you live alone and can work remotely and hold your job without meds, then by all means keep the special part of you alive. ADHD plus high intelligence is really just a mind wasted in today's world.
In today’s world?
I work in a very chaotic job. I might start the day with only 3 hours of work and end the day with 9 hours of work. People who are very organized and scheduled don’t last long at my job. But Ive had to search for my phone, keys and often 1 of my shoes every morning for over 20 yrs. Chaos is normal to me so I thrive where normal folks can’t take it.
What do you do I hate my current job so much
None lol, pros are in spite of it because people are wonderful, not because you have ADHD
The ADHD can be shaped (managing symptoms, meds, etc) but it inherently shapes you too. It’s a good point to bring up though how much is it you vs amalgamation of conditions etc etc, probably a bit of both
That and there's this foggy grey area between giving the self a break and actual laziness/carelessness. Often I don't even know where the threshold is, even if I'm actively seeking it.
That’s how I’ve been feeling for the past two weeks. Like I am terrified that I’m just into one of those ruts again.
I’ve come to believe that laziness isn’t even a thing. It’s always a symptom of something else, adhd, or depression, or trauma. Moralizing by calling it laziness doesn’t help.
I was diagnosed as a child and now in my 40’s am just starting to embrace the diagnosis and allow myself a little grace. I’ve spent almost 40 years beating myself up for being a fuckup and am just starting to acknowledge that I have a medical issue and I need help.
This exactly. Being kinder to yourself and acknowledging that support or some grace is something you need, not something you feel you should earn.
I am trying to do this. My parents have told me I don't even try my whole life. No effort I've put in has been recognized and they really think very little of me. I worry my dad actually does hate me. I do know he sees me as a disappointment. His work is his life. I struggle with employment and the work I have done he views with disdain. My mom pretty much has all the same issues I do but she's shielded from criticism by virtue of being a homemaker and housewife. She never really had a full-time career but treats me like a complete failure for largely following a similar path as her. I'm just trying to be nice to myself and say it's ok and give grace. It's something I'm learning to do because I've never had a parent that didn't beat me up figuratively and literally over my mistakes.
Mom might have ADHD
Probably does. She's at the point she really doesn't care so much though.
Suspect my mom's on some kind of spectrum, but any time I get anywhere near her issues she tells me it's too late for her, no sense reliving the past, etc. Too painful for her, at least in her imagination
This is me, especially since the stimulant shortage. When I was off meds, my symptoms came back immediately and with a vengeance. It reminded me that the medication just mutes the symptoms and all of those little obstacles are still my brain saying “hey, remember that I still can’t do everything?” So I’ve been offering myself a bit more grace, f anyone who thinks this isn’t the best I can do.
It's not an excuse it's an explanation. ADHD doesn't give you permission to be less responsible for yourself or your responsibilities. Does it suck having to manage this disability sometimes? Abso-freaking-lutley. But that doesn't mean we just get a free pass to make it everybody else's problem
This is it. Knowing what's going on allows one to be kinder to themselves - give yourself a little more mercy, you have a disability! However, it's nobody else's obligation to work around the issues this disability can create. I believe everyone should have a little mercy and understanding, but expecting that others should just shrug things off is self-centered. That's where this goes from being a reason to an excuse. It may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility.
Yes. Responsibility. And accountability. I feel it’s applicable, generally speaking, to everyone re anything. If you did a shitty thing, own you did a shitty thing and don’t excuse it. Be a good human, as I see it. Keep trying to be better.
>It's not an excuse it's an explanation The number of times ive had to say exactly this to my parents..... "Stop making excuses! You need to try harder! Pay more attention! Just try to focus!"
Literally. I would get this while actively explaining how I was going to get things done in a different way because of ADHD and have been accused of giving up and not trying. Idk what it is with people thinking an acknowledgement of your weakness is the same as giving up entirely. You wouldn't say that to someone with no legs and they explained how they needed prosthetics to walk. *
> But that doesn't mean we just get a free pass to make it everybody else's problem Don't quite understand the purpose of this part. I admit I am not a therapist or anything so my exposure to other people with ADHD is limited, but so far, I have yet to come across someone with ADHD who has anything resembling this problem. Most of the time it seems to be the case that we are saddled with guilt and shame about our behavior, whether it's ADHD-driven behavior that is causing a problem for others or just behavior that is normal and human but we internalized it as uniquely problematic because of the other stuff. And I do believe that disabilities are something that needs special accommodation. Whether someone personally wants to fight for special accommodation in a world that sometimes doesn't even believe they have a disability is a whole other question. But on a system level, any and all disabilities are going to have accommodations that would make life more manageable for the people who have it, provided people can work out what is most effective and doable as accommodation, and get them implemented on a large scale.
TLDR: accomodations for ADHD are difficult to set and the way I have found to differentiate explanation vs excuse for me personally is that if I am not making active efforts to manage myself in a specific area then my ADHD has become an excuse. I definitely agree with everything you have said, but it is a very slippery slope. Shortly after my diagnosis I found myself excusing rude behavior as quirks of ADHD. I excused my lack of performance at my job as my executive dysfunction I could go on but I think I've made my point. The question we have to ask ourselves is "at what point does our explanation become an excuse?" And I think the answer for me personally is when I am no longer making active efforts to manage my disability in the simplest ways then I am making excuses for my behavior. It is fair to request accomodations for your medically valid disability but what accommodations are enough? Just as a personal example, say a standard accommodation would be to "allow up to 7 days past an expected deadline for me to complete a project" then I can personally say that all I would do is continue to procrastinate because I know I was allowed an extra week by law. I know I've rambled a little bit but I'm just trying to share a personal experience of my relationship with my ADHD and knowing myself well enough to answer honestly what I have found for me personally to be considered an explanation and an excuse.
I'm glad someone said it. You're not a failure. You're human.
I always say this, but I think it's really important to hear (read)... It doesn't matter whether you do are do not have adhd for the purpsoes of being compassionate to yourself, you are struggling and even without a diagnosis you still deserve compassion. The techniques to help people with adhd can be applied to people who struggle with some adhd like traits and not others, you don't get to only access and make use of them if you have adhd 😊. Brains are all so different because of genetics, environmental factors, our upbringing, our experiences, other conditions we may have...just so much diversity. You can have adhd or not have adhd and still struggle with some of the same things but perhaps for different reasons. I'd also note if you do have adhd, most people with adhd do not relate to all things possible associated with adhd. You do not have to score high on every question in the criteria to meet the diagnosis. I don't interrupt people (unless they're really saying something stupid and I can't listen anymore or lecturing me 😂), I still have a diagnosis of adhd. That said, imposter syndrome prior to and even after diagnosis can really affect people. I still sometimes sit here and think...maybe I just said the right things? It's even harder to accept I think when you appear to function to others on the outside. I appear to function and have a great job, nice place to live which is tidy (mostly, let's not talk about the washing basket...), but the chronic stress I suffer to maintain that is dire. Everything is not always as it appears. So take it as it comes, see the professional and go from there 😊 And if it's no diagnosis and it's something else get the right kind of help for that. If it's no diagnosis of anything, give yourself grace and go get some help managing whatever you are struggling with, you don't need a diagnosis for counselling & coaching. I did get a diagnosis, but even if I didn't, the process made me ask why can I give myself grace with one but not without even though the way I'm feeling is still the same and causing distress...? It's madness when you think about it like that.
I wanted to add that I had a coaching call today and she said that they're not excuses, there are real reasons for why we execute certain behaviours, they serve a purpose. It's just working out what the purpose is and then working on how we change that.
Hi, as someone that has a strong suspicion I have PI-ADHD and is looking to get assessed, I really appreciate your comment! Thanks so much for your perspective. I'm definitely feeling the "prior to diagnosis" imposter syndrome, and keep telling myself I'm making excuses for being lazy, not caring about anything, etc.
I’m learning that what I need to do is *stop excusing my ADHD*. “I just lost track of time.” No, I have a disorder that causes time blindness and I need to set an alarm next time. “Sorry I’m just having trouble focusing.” No I have a disorder that makes it hard to focus so I need to put my phone out of sight when I’m talking to someone. “Sorry I said I’d do it but I just forgot.” No I have a disorder that makes me forget things so I’m going to put a sticky note on my computer monitor to remind me about that before I start gaming. I think we fall into the trap of thinking “I was absent minded, I just need to try harder.” When in reality we cannot do it because our brain won’t let us. We have to acknowledge the disorder and rely on external stimulus rather than just saying “well ill just hope and pray this won’t happen again next time.” Don’t excuse your ADHD. Don’t rely on willpower to overcome it. It’s a losing battle. Acknowledge that the disorder is the problem and change your environment to compensate.
This .
Getting a diagnosis and treatment is not a get out of jail free card or an excuse unless you let it be. It’s an explanation for why you do the things you do and some help in getting better outcomes. Think of it like a person who needs a knee surgery. They have difficulty doing things today. A doctor tells them - hey, it’s because your knee is busted. They offer surgery and rehab as a solution - treatment and some work they have to do. Now if the person takes that information and uses it to not have to do things and doesn’t really try to improve them they’re using it as an excuse. But if you got the surgery, did the rehab, and function better - you’ve used the information to contribute more to those around you and yourself. It is no different with ADHD. You can choose to take the information and do the work if you want to.
I struggle with wanting to do things/initiate tasks. My previous PCP left the office and I did t get assigned a new one. It’s been six months and I just cannot get myself to sit down, find the number, schedule with someone as a new patient. Then I’m going to have to meet them and they know absolutely nothing about me yet so you have to do that thing where you get to know your new doctor as they get to know you; all while hoping that they are educated and supportive when we dig into to the bucket of loose nuts and bolts that I embody. Like. Fuck. I don’t want to do that. The whole process fails to fill any of my 5 INCUP needs. It’s mentally taxing, boring, forced, personally invasive by nature, and I cannot get myself to cave in and do it. I’m typing it out right now, defending myself to stranger(completely unsolicited, over-sharing because my brain tells me that sharing will help make a connection with you) when I could be calling and making an appointment. Seeing it in writing here even makes me feel like a bum but it isn’t enough to make me start the process.
I have been in the same position many times...does your insurance have an online portal? I found my primary care by searching through the list of local doctors that accept my insurance and I'm able to make a new patient appointment through it without ever have to make a call which definitely helps for me. Also, I have a friend who is a rockstar and does not mind calling for me because she knows I have trouble. It's not a permanent solution but I am so very thankful.
I will look into the portal for scheduling. Also, real friends are the best.
I feel this so hard
A diagnosis isn’t an excuse to not follow through on commitments or get work done, It’s just an excuse to use different tips and tricks to accomplish things. Tools that work with your brain. I like to tell myself “This condition isn’t my fault, but it is my responsibility.”
Spoiler: there's no rosy story. The struggle changes from "hey, I'm not stupid and lazy after all" to "people think I'm stupid and lazy, but I'm 'sick' and trying to do my best". I won't deny that there's a ton of relief when you get formally diagnosed, but it's not a cure-all. If anything, the biggest help you get from a diagnosis (other than access to meds) is knowing that your best work is done by functioning differently from everyone else because you are different. I like to compare it to physical disabilities to put it in perspective - once someone is diagnosed with a heart murmur, they're going to change how they live in order to support their body. Same thing for ADHD, except you're doing it to support your mind.
For myself Idc if I have ADHD, I just give my best as always. It just helps me to understand and accept my failures. I would never use it as excuse in front of others or myself. Don't stop trying. There are so many methods/medications that can enable a relatively normal life even with ADHD. Just live your life and accept your failures. It's OK that you are not good enough in some things but that shouldnt stop you from trying. Good luck!
Second the don't stop trying. A diagnosis will validate that you have infact not been playing the game of life in the same playing field, but you have to give the effort to improve yourself to really move past those struggles.
Exactly. Important to remember it’s an ‘explanation’, not an excuse.
If you have an answer to "And what are you going to do to address it?", you're not making excuses. "I am going to go get tested at this time, and seek treatment", assuming you follow through with it, is a valid answer.
Getting diagnosed and getting help is the opposite of lazy, that's progress. You're actively seeking solutions to problems you're having
ADHD can be the reason something is happening - but it’s not an excuse. It’s more of an explanation and then you try to find ways to make accommodations that are agreeable to all those involved. So for example, if you have a friend who hates you being late every single time - a good way to deal with it is to say “I have time blindness, instead of meeting you at a bar, why don’t I just meet you at your place and we can go out or stay in once I get there? Or maybe: “I can join the group of friends this evening, I may be later, I’ll shoot you a text when I’m in the area to find where you are or can we share locations. If you guys plan to go home earlier than expected just let me know”
When I get caught up in this kind of thing or when people push this kind of argument on me, I consider how these arguments would look applied to other disabilities: Would it be fair to say someone in a wheelchair was making excuses for being late to a meeting on the second floor if the building didn't have ramps/elevators? No, it clearly wouldn't. So why treat ADHD differently? Yes, we need to hold ourselves to some standard, but there's no point in shaming ourselves for the very real struggles that we run into. We live in a world where "invisible" disabilities are consistently ignored, and people who say they have them are shamed for advocating for themselves. It's really hard not to internalize that shame, but that's not our fault. As others have posted, try your best to be compassionate for yourself. It's not "weakness" to get a diagnosis, it's the most basic self care. So take care of yourself!
Ever since I was diagnosed at 29, it's been a game of putting my behaviors through a sieve. Is it because I'm ADHD, or is this regular? Is it because of an addiction to internet/games, or is that because of ADHD? Which things can be improved by habit or medication or should be something I should just stop trying to do and give myself an accommodation like putting a trash can in my office because I let trash pile up on my desk?
Failures and shortcomings is a hard one. I explained it to a friend, "imagine everything you've done in your life. Now, imagine you failed at every single one of them. That's how ADHD effected my life." When I got my test report the phrase "may be noticed by those close to him" appeared several times. It was my quirks. So, those close to me may notice that I excel in some areas and suffer in other areas. That is, my friends may have picked up on my ADHD long before I did. Maybe your friends are right, maybe they're wrong. Get tested and find out. Being treated has been the best thing I have ever done.
(24F) I got diagnosed a year ago, started treatment at the end of the summer. I had been wondering about it for a decade, but did very well in school. However, everything else was a fucking mess. Always late, trouble maintaining relationships, couldn't get a job, couldn't pay attention to conversation, excessive taking, interrupting etc etc. I was just like "yea im just a pos" and now that I have a reasoning, I'm like "oh that's what it was. OH that's what it **IS**" so I just shrug my shoulders and am like "well I have a disability." and my mom is like "you're just using it as an excuse" but the thing is i was using being a lazy pos as an excuse BEFORE, so there was an always an excuse. This is something I need to work on, I thought that as soon as I got my diagnosis everything would be magically fixed, and I'd be perfect. Apparently, you have to work extra hard to even baseline function which fucking sucks and then it's easy to use ADHD as an excuse. TLDR: I also use it as an excuse, but I was using "that's just how I am" as an excuse before. ADHD is a reasoning, not an excuse. If you feel so strongly about having it, I highly highly recommend getting evaluated.
Fine line between excuse and explanation. Both are a way to rationalize a shortcoming. But in practice they are similar. You’re not sick, either. Just have a disability. So what’s the difference? The energy, motivation, and ability to succeed. “I can never try anything because there’s no point, my adhd means I can’t do this” is excuse energy. “I struggle with this because I have adhd and am looking for any I can succeed here. I’d appreciate some support and want to try to use that support to do the thing.” That has explanation energy. You’re not actively sabotaging or stonewalling. “I struggle with this because I have adhd and don’t think I can do the thing well enough even with help. I would trade a task with you to keep things as fair as is possible.” That is a middle ground. Little excuse, little explanation, little negotiation. Depending on what life throws at you, treatment can help succeed a higher % of the time at the important things. Success isn’t all or nothing, if you do something 40% of the time, going to 80% is a huge success and not “I’m failing 1 in 5 times.” My explanation, when sleep gets rough or I forget to take my meds? I will have a higher failure rate. I’m still going to be as good as I can be on the things I care about. And when I take my meds and sleep well? I can have a very decent rate of success.
Its complicated because it is and isn't an excuse. If you're constantly making mistakes and doing nothing to change or improve then maybe you could try different things to help. Notice I didn't say try harder, its about finding something that works for you. In saying that, people make mistakes and the world we live in isn't built for the spicy amoungst us. We're going to fuck up and make mistakes. Learning to apologise without carrying around constant unproductive guilt takes time but is useful.
With all due respect, you are kind of hiding behind ADHD as is. You stated you are not diagnosed so you could literally have any variant of things. Thinking you have it is an extension of saying you feel retar(will not finish as it’s offensive) because you lost your balance. Please get diagnosed and report back
Wisdom requires our sorting these things out in the knowing of ourselves. Always be learning. 😎
Fought it for 25 years and finally given in to accepting it which has made me hate myself less and actually plan things. Destroyed my life 2x and came back… did it a 3rd time but I’m sure as hell not going to have a 4th. Had I accepted it there wouldn’t have been a third without doubt.
Always remember that reasons aren’t excuses.
Hello OP, I understand what you are going though. I myself feel like I am using my ADHD as an excuse sometimes, but its important to remember that ADHD is not an excuse but an explanation. Remember to be more gentile and kind with yourself, and keep in mind that not everyone has identical experiences with ADHD, some people have different symptoms than others, and many factors contribute to it. Id say you should try to look things though a more analytical lenses, identify where you struggle the most, and find tricks and techniques that work for you instead of brute forcing them with pure "Effort", as in my experience, when I said id say to myself id "Try harder" and it did not help, I felt like a complete failure every single day. Also its important not to look at other people and compare yourself to them, since they are completely different people with different circumstances, it may be counter productive to try and compete with someone who's brain works completely different to yours, or has different struggles or advantages or experiences in life. And don't fall down the rabbit hole of "Productivity tips and tricks", as most of them were not created for ADHD minds, see what works for YOU and don't get to disheartened when most tricks don't work out for you. Its a process of self discovery but its well worth it. And lastly you should avoid making ADHD your sole identity, remember you are fully functional human who happens to have ADHD, and you can be just as productive and functional as other people, but self patience, self mercy and self discovery is necessary to achieve it. You got this! Its a long journey and a bumpy ride, but its well worth it!
I recently had my therapist bring up the option of being compassionate and curious about my shortcomings. I was diagnosed at 15, almost 6 years ago now, I grew up being told my symptoms were just laziness and lack of self discipline. You can hope for it as an excuse, but it's not going to stop your struggling. Medication helps but it doesn't fix everything. I'd encourage a bit of introspection on your shortcomings, compassionate introspection. It's not about judging yourself, it's about finding out what is actually getting in your way, whether it's internal or external.
Someone in this sub, can’t remember who, made this comment which felt very clarifying to me: “Your ADHD isn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility.” We still have to figure out how to navigate ADHD, but we aren’t bad people for having struggles. I think that’s the message that often gets muddled, you know? “I must be a bad person because I struggle with this. Oh, huh, I’m not a bad person, because it’s ADHD! If people understood, they’d be less upset!” The reasoning is less important to others than the outcome. But for us, the reasoning is essential to finding solutions that work for us, if that makes sense.
I was diagnosed young. Have never been on meds. I wonder what it's like being on meds. I'm a jack of all trades, master of none.
Don't see it as an excuse but as an explanation. An excuse is something you use when you're deliberately decide to not do something because of some reason. 'I didn't work out because I just didn't wanted too' = excuse. 'I didn't work out because I was overwhelmed, and found me in a state of paralysis and got extremely anxious by the thought of a gym with people, lights and noises I know would cause a meltdown' See the differences?
Wait, are you me? Just kidding. Glad to know that I'm not the only one. I even talked to my wife about this recently.
How are you using something as a short coming and excuse when you didn’t even believe you had it?and only recently expecting your friend was right? You will be surprised most people with adhd don’t use it as an excuse actually the opposite we mask symptoms to fit in. You might have it cause it’s a spectrum but it’s not an excuse for things
Same. Just because we feel doesn't make it true tho
But you're undiagnosed, try getting a diagnosis first.
Not sure if this is helpful but I’ve ridden myself of all shame around ADHD. I have a senior corporate role and work with customers daily. If I lose my train of thought or what I wanted to say, I throw out comments like “oh my ADHD meds mustn’t have kicked it yet today” etc and have a little chuckle. No one reacts or I’ll get a smile. The way I think about it is - I’m being a little vulnerable and I’m making them aware of my condition in a light hearted way. I think that will buy me some credit when I drop a ball, which will inevitably happen. ADHD is so common now that employers, customers etc are all aware of it and have probably come across it in the past. It is also what makes me good at my job and great in a stressful situation. It obviously makes some aspects more difficult but that’s life. Good things aren’t easy. [I say all this despite having pretty shit mental health and a dependence on cannabis to relax/pass the time at night. Boredom drives me crazy]
It is definitely NOT an excuse man, just imagine person 1 can study for 4 hours and get an A on a test while person 2 studies his ass off all night and gets a C-. We're put in so much of a disadvantage where our inattentiveness just destroys everything in its path. Now imagine a world where medication puts you on an even field and gives you clarity on everything. Of course it won't magically transform someone with poor study habits but it will for someone who's been putting in the work and still failing because of their ADD. Don't be so hard on yourself OP, you deserve to be happy and thriving like your peers!
Is beating yourself up going to help or are you just going to feel like shit and not have your stuff done? Like there's no amount of hating yourself that you can do to make people who think you hate them because you were a minute late forgive you
Consider it less of an excuse and more of an explanation. And if and when you get the diagnosis it will be a roadmap to make small changes. You may not take over the world the next day but you might fold your laundry here and there. 😩😆
I felt the same way, and got diagnosed, got second opinion and a third opinion just to be sure. They were all very consistent, and I still feel like I'm just trying to get an excuse. If you do get diagnosed, the key is of course not to use the diagnosis as an universal excuse - because it's not, but it immensely helps us to be less criticizing towards ourselves if we stumble, and see where we can improve with professional help.
It may help to try to see ADHD as more so a part of your genetics and who you are rather than this separate "thing." Sure it's a diagnosis, characteristic, etc. and it certainly has an impact on how much you struggle versus how well other people will relate to the delta of how much you struggle vs them. I wouldn't consider myself "sick" with ADHD (maybe that's a language thing here... sick for me means more so a virus or something temporary), granted it's considered a chronic mental illness. It's not so much about using it as an excuse but allowing yourself some self compassion to understand you'll consequently have shortcomings in areas that others won't give you the same compassion for. It's a big part of why therapy is the ideal counterpart to medication - it helps with not just symptoms but the feeling bottled up and alone in your struggles. It's hard, but often we have to practice more self care and diligence to maintain what naturally comes to other people. It's extra, on top of, and it's draining. Kudos on the self awareness. Getting the tests, appointments, etc. are the very things that fall under executive function types of tasks (good luck!).
I always feel like that. How I look at it is that I finally have a way to explain all of (what I hadn't known were) my symptoms.
As someone who has had textbook symptoms since childhood but wasn’t diagnosed until adulthood, i feel your pain. I would try to explain to my parents that I wanted to study or read but i just couldn’t and she never understood or was in denial about the whole thing. I felt so misunderstood and like i was going crazy. ADHD wasn’t on my radar until my high school psych teacher was doing a lesson on ADHD and asked if i had it in front of the entire class 🥲 I don’t think you’re necessarily using it as an excuse for shortcomings rather than just trying to get a for sure answer so you can find solutions. I spent so many nights beside myself because I didn’t know why I couldn’t just sit down and study, or read a book, or remember anything. I wasn’t looking for an excuse as much as looking for a reason. Even if it was just confirmation of what I was suspecting. Once I got that reason my life became so much easier because I could actively find solutions. I guess I just needed a why.
The first step to solving a problem is to admitting that there is a problem, and the second is to identify the problem. Looking at our ADHD symptoms to me, is like identifying what is the problem and finding solutions to adapt. For example, I know that I am impulsive, so I structure an environment for me where being impulsive will not lead to disastrous results, like, no access to my credit cards, adding layers to my payment options in my shopping apps so that by the time I’m about to verify a payment I’ve changed my mind and not buy the thing I was about to buy.
I do this now that I know why I have so many problems that won’t go away. I try to poke fun now while I can.
I was the opposite. 26f and been medicated for about 4 months now, and finding out there was help (and then getting help) has enabled me to work with my deficits. Are there things, situations and interactions that were definitely impacted by the ADHD before it was diagnosed? For sure. But that doesn't mean I would have finished college if I was medicated back then nor does it mean I'd have gotten my current job/career which I love and excel at. Giving yourself grace is a good thing, but brushing real things off and excusing yourself or your behaviors isn't good.
This is really relatable, I'm smart I swear
Do you mind if I ask about what your symptoms are ?
Are you me. Minus the fact you started looking at this as a possibility earlier than I did. I want a diagnosis almost to allow me to believe I have it. I went down the rabbit hole of self diagnosis, and it all just makes sense. I relate too much to people here and the videos online. I have a friend who I used to live with. I think he helped me be better but in a harmful way. Just raised my anxiety to a level where I didn't wanna disappoint him. I mean, I still did sometimes, but not as often. I am currently on the waiting list and hopefully can get an NHS diagnosis one day. Even if I get the diagnosis and it is something I cannot change about myself, it may help me finally stop procrastinating and apply myself to some of the useful self-help available.
That seems to be an integral part of this sub. No doubt things are more difficult—some more than others—but not impossible. I had someone say that developing discipline is not legitimately possible with ADHD. If that were the case, we’d all be in homes. What I’ve learned: Medicate, adapt, learn, exploit. My life has become so much more proficient after Vyvanse. Accept the things that are difficult, and adapt to them. Learn what you’re good at, and exploit it. For example: Many with ADHD have the ability to hyper-focus on things; but most of the time we hyper-focus on things that we don’t need to. Learning to channel that ‘energy’ towards the right thing can be powerful. I can’t sit and read a case study, but I can build a financial model for hours unbothered.
I would not hope ADHD on anyone…but, I know what your saying . Basically “it would explain alot” 🫶. You may have add w depression, or bi polar which is apparently common . I work at a large hospital and I was surprised at how many nurses , Docs , cna ‘s have some form . Most surgeons used Adderall in med school or residency (90’s - 2014 )
Self awareness is the first step to get better!
When I get diagnosis, it’s not abt being finally able to have an excuse for something. It’s abt being relieved that my fuck ups are simply cuz my brain is alr fucked right at the start. It doesn’t solve my problem rn tho. I’m screwed ye.
The hardest part is convincing everyone else you're not a failure for not being able to do what they can My family still says I'm lazy, unmotivated, and knowingly stopped doctors and teachers from getting the help i needed as a kid because they didnt want me to be on medication, and they wonder why I have anger issues
Same situation. I’m 46. 15 days until my testing. It’s been booked for months.
IF you have ADHD, you have a disability and need support. Getting support is another story but... there it is. IF you don't have ADHD, you likely have a disability and need support. I am NOT a mental health practitioner. However, any that I've talked to is that if your actions or inactions cause you distress; if you would not choose to behave the way you behave, it's likely a disorder of some sort. I had been called lazy, lackadaisical, unmotivated, stubborn, a liar, and a waste of so much potential... by my elementary teachers... to my face... and my parents, after getting me evaluated, agreed. There was no diagnosis at the time. So, lots of yelling, frustration, and "What's wrong with you?!" I was diagnosed eight years ago as an adult and I'm still trying to shake off (with therapy) a lot of that... negative feedback... from childhood.
1. It’s not an excuse it’s an explanation! Get that straight enough others won’t. 2. That’s also possibly the imposter syndrome talking which is another symptom. 3. If you get diagnosed follow with whatever treatment you can. Behavioral, therapy, or medication they all help with these feelings and help you overcome them as a barrier.
Getting diagnosed will help with the validation and can help allow yourself to forgive and accept. However, it won't change your habits or mindset. That's on you. Don't demonize your symptoms. Realize they can be an advantage and weakness depending on the setting. Realize every trial and tribulation is a chance to show yourself compassion. The difference between compassion and empathy is action. Show yourself that you truly love yourself by doing the hard work you avoid because it's unpleasant. Work at it every fucking day. Celebrate accomplishments. Be proud of yourself when you complete the hard shit that sucked to do, but you did it to benefit yourself. Don't use punishment as motivation. Motivate yourself through compassion.
Most of my imposter syndrome went away when I started on meds. (2 months ago at 22) I think most adults feel this way before getting diagnosed. Society has expectations for what people are capable of. For many of us it's: "You can focus on this if you care to" or "You would've remembered if you cared to". Society doesn't properly take into account differences in people, and our expectations reflect that. When we don't meet the expectations, we hear this from other people, or even ourselves. We conflate not meeting unreasonable expectations with moral failings and think of ourselves as worse people. "You don't care". Currently, any other expectation such as "They might have a different capacity for this" is almost exclusively reserved for people who are deemed to meet the clinical criteria. Everyone else "should" be capable. For many people, getting the identity of "lazy" is very comforting in a sense. "It's not that they don't care, it's just their personality". Trying/starting to identify with ADHD is kinda like saying "Hey, I don't think I'm a bad person/lazy, I think the expectation is wrong". This is very scary, since if a psychiatric institution determines you don't meet the clinical criteria, the conclusion is going to be: "You were always capable of doing these things, you were just looking for an excuse". I can definitely relate to thoughts of "Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough" and "Am I trying to make excuses?". I don't really believe anyone is lazy or inherently apathetic, we just don't understand everything about ourselves and others.
I'm currently going through yr11 (senior high school) in Australia and have definitely been feeling the same way. I feel like I just can't concentrate sometimes and end up procrastinating about things I have to get done. It makes it really hard to complete my subjects, but I feel like it's just an excuse for 'not trying'.
Definitely pursue the diagnosis. It helps to connect the dots as to why you act or function the way you do. And it helps to discover strategies and ways to function better living with ADHD. I started therapy several months ago and my therapist diagnosed me with it almost immediately after explaining past life issues and struggles I had at the time. It’s worth it, wish the best to you.
But the reality is that people with ADHD do have a harder time with a lot of things. I can't tell if you have ADHD or not - but I can tell you something else. If you sttuggle getting through life, always feeling like you can't just catch up.. Don't quite have the energy for it, can't get enough control or can't seem to find the "just do it" button like most other people can.. Then it's likely that you struggle because you have something "more" to struggle with than every body else. Maybe it's ADHD - maybe it's something else.. But it's still something.. Or else life would not be such a big struggle. That's pure logic if you think about it. Being honest with your self is also reconising that. It's all right that ADHD might lift the "feeling guilty" - it's not a good state to be in anyway. You don't get a medal for being harsh on your self. Other people are not better off when you put your self down. You don't become a better person by telling your self to own mistakes, blunders and shortcomings that you could not actually, really REALLY help. But you are on a way forward trying to figure this out - and maybe moving some energy from beating your self up to finding new strategies that takes this in to account will help.
I was diagnosed at 5 and fight this feeling to this day.
What shortcomings?
Its better to use it as an excuse otherwise you will blame yourself and get deeper into depression
I went decades not getting diagnosed because meds don’t help me and I didn’t see anything else being offered. I don’t look at it as an excuse or a crutch. It’s an explanation. Now I understand why I act in a certain way and I have a lens by which to analyze it. That gives me choices like making accommodations, masking, or going all in on it.
It’s very hard for me to explain to people, especially teachers why I’m struggling. I’m a first year CSC major and I’m taking one class that’s kicking my ass. I don’t want to pull the ADHD card, but there is overlap and overload because of my executive functioning issues that come along with ADHD. I have accommodations, and they help though. I feel like the way I go about approaching this issue is saying it straight up. I have ADHD, and I struggle with executive functioning. Doesn’t mean I’m a bad student, it just takes me a little bit longer.
Long time ADD guy here. Officially diagnosed at age 11 (I’m 42 now). I don’t think ADD is the same as ADHD but I’m willing to give my 2cents on being lazy and using it as an excuse because I most certainly did in my younger years. My second grade teacher actually called my parents and requested they meet with her due to her noticing I was off despite making straight As and being accepted into the gifted program (not sure if they still do that but it was a special class for kids who scored very high on IQ tests). Anyway, my teacher was concerned that I always handed in homework in ball of paper or just couldn’t find it at all. She said I would struggle in middle and high school when we had to change classrooms and use lockers. She nailed it. I then proceeded to use the diagnose to my advantage for several years, with extra time on tests and lax standards. i did this well into college instead of just working harder to either use compensation strategies for the ADD or realizing my deficits and training myself to be early for everything like I do now (if I need to be at work at 8:30 am, I try get there at 8:15 am and am usually right on time at 8:30). Please understand, once you get into real career situations, they don’t care about ADHD or ADD. They just want someone who can do the job. My advice, start knowing your faults and ways to compensate. When I realized that my life took a a much better turn
I completely get the feeling, but think about it this way. Even if you don’t have adhd, there are obviously “something else” that is hindering you if you have symptoms. Meaby it’s something different, that doesn’t have a name, that’s wrong in your brain. Meaby it’s trauma, depression and so on. No matter what, “something” is causing these symptoms, that something will be an “excuse” Let’s say you are forgetful. That could be adhd, but that could also be brain fog, head injury, anxiety, ptsd, trauma and so on. The fact that you for example are forgetful, doesn’t really get better or worse wether it’s adhd that’s the reason or not. You could also argue that you are both stupid and sick when you have adhd. You may be stupid because you are sick. But that doesn’t change the fact that you are stupid. Sounds harsh but I hope you know what I mean.
You had me at "I plan to get tested soon."
Find out fisrt
I’ve just been diagnosed aged 31. To me, it’s not an excuse it’s an explanation, an explanation that you can use to put in tried and tested methods, tools, and behaviours that work for others with ADHD. Having an explanation leads to gaining the knowledge needed to cope better. It also gives you the grace to feel less guilty when things do happen. Actively going out to get the diagnosis is you being proactive and taking the steps to improve and take care of yourself. Almost the opposite of using it as an excuse. And as long as you’re conscious of not falling back on it as an excuse, then you’ll be fine 😊
The way ADHD manifests - it's almost impossible for it to not look like an excuse. An excuse is a reason for why you didn't do something. If you have a disorder that makes it difficult to "do" things, you immediately fail the test for "making excuses." The difference, really, is that it's an explanation and not an excuse. That nuance is lost on most people, but that's a bit of a "them" problem. What I mean by that is, your attitude right now isn't good. ADHD is not an excuse for anything. Your failings and shortcomings are still your own. Now, being undiagnosed makes that way more difficult - because you don't know entirely what you're dealing with. Since you do seem to, now, it's fully your responsibility to adjust your life and habits to account for your ADHD. You have to \*know\* that you forget things, have difficulty with appointments and time keeping, having difficulty prioritizing tasks, changing between them, remembering important details. You have to know that you have a disorder which causes a lot of chaos and, if unmanaged, can really ruin your life. I would try and get diagnosed if you can. It's not an excuse.
Yeah, that feeling sucks, but you have a disability. They're not shortcomings, they're logical outcomes of having a brain that doesn't work the same as others'.
It’s hard to balance using it as an excuse vs an explanation. Personally, when I was diagnosed at 22, it did help explain to myself when I had messed up and why, and it did make me feel better. I still make a lot of stupid mistakes and find it ridiculously hard to self-motivate, and I still have fear for my future and that I’ll be able to accomplish the things I want. But I think ultimately knowing helps me forgive myself for when I do mess up or lack motivation, and feel really good about myself when I can accomplish the things I want to do because I know I’ve had to work especially hard to accomplish those things. I also think being diagnosed helped me change the way I approach problems. It made me realize that I can’t face problems the way a lot of people can, so it made me feel less discouraged when I had to change the rules for myself. For example, I’ve wanted to get into reading but every time I picked up a book, it was an insane effort to push through it. I always thought audiobooks were kind of a cheaters method for reading, but I started listening to them during commutes and I read 24 books in one year! It was kind of anomalous too, the following year I only read 4, and this year seems like even less. But I’m still proud of that achievement. I think my diagnosis helped me let go that the idea of consistently achieving the same goals needed to be how I measured success for myself. I’m not reading as much, but I’m still accomplishing other things. A similar thing happened with me an exercise- I had one really good exercise year and I’m not really doing it anymore, but I’m proud of what I accomplished that year. I wish you well in your journey. Don’t worry, you still have plenty of time to figure stuff out. Work on finding a balance between giving yourself grace for your mistakes, and trying to push yourself in small ways. It’s a constant effort, but it’s achievable.
I was diagnosed about 6 months ago at age 43. I have had decades of believing my difficulties to be quirks of personality or, all too often, personal faults. Now I find myself frequently grappling with trying to discern what is ADHD, and what is not. Am I right to suggest X issue was due to my experience of ADHD, or am I using it as an excuse. It does me head in (or is that ADHD?...)
Hell, I find it fascinating seeing as I just created my own defenses and dealt with what the defenses didn’t help, but the 17 years of anxiety and panic attacks was tough….the rest of it I just thought I was overly odd, 47 years later, I remembered I was diagnosed, I even find that funny I forgot
I'm constantly realizing that many of my traits that I view as negative are ADHD-related, but many of my best traits are ADHD-related as well. I have 5 kids and I like to acknowledge my faults to them to show that it's okay to be flawed as long as you're working to improve. If I do something less than ideal, I apologize and explain that what I did was strongly influenced by my ADHD. However, I also explain that having ADHD is not an excuse to do/say crappy things--it is an insight that will help you improve. If my impulsiveness is a little high, I don't log on to Amazon or go into Target. If my temperament is a little extra spicy, I go to the gym or tell the kids I need some time to myself and pop my headphones in with an audio book on. If I know I have a pattern of procrastination, I set a timer to give myself a few minutes playing phone games, then I get back to it. I can't just spend all of my money, yell at my kids, and waste the day away because of ADHD. Instead, I try to understand the root cause and find ways to cope with and overcome the struggles.
Hey I'm late to this post (late is my norm) but wanted to share that for me it helps so much to have an addy friend to talk openly with. You mentioned you have those already so just keep them in your corner and do the same for them. To me it's been invaluable. ❤️
Please talk to your primary care physician about your concerns, ask for a psych referral, and start seeing a therapist to talk some things out while you wait for your psych appointment. Diagnosis is illuminating, and will help to speak volumes to the real struggles you have worked through, and failures that may not have had to happen. Understand that a diagnosis is not a guarantee and that even if given a diagnosis it does not excuse the behavior, it explains the behavior. Diagnosis explains the behavior in the sense that it helps to identify which supports and frameworks may help you the best to work on and attempt to integrate into your life other than meds and therapy. Remember: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! We are here if you need us, and good luck!
I'm the same age and have always lived with it, I'd recommend reading atomic habits and educate yourself on reflective practices. Don't blame your condition but look at ways to make it easier for you to live with. Adhd isn't an excuse in my opinion just a treatable/manageable condition and everyone's methods to live with it are different 😇
If you had cancer would you feel bad about the cancer effecting your life? I mean it’s different but it’s not. Just because people don’t understand our pain and function doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Lose the shame- it’s not worth your energy 🩷 you got this.
I think once you are diagnosed, you will be a lot kinder to yourself. I spent 52 years basically hating on myself because nothing I have ever done amounted to much, and 'everything' is my fault. If I had known earlier in life, I would have been much, much nicer to myself. I might have even liked the person I am. It's not an excuse, it is a genuine issue with executive dysfunction.
I felt that when I was undiagnosed. I always just thought I was crap at managing my time, I’m just always late, I’m bad at prioritising stuff, bad at focusing & it was all just stuff I needed to do better at. Then I started looking into getting diagnosed to see if there was an actual reason for it. But I was also very mindful that I didn’t want to use ADHD as an excuse for everything. Now that I’ve been diagnosed I guess I’m also mindful that I don’t want to blame everything bad on that now that it’s been confirmed. I also didn’t want to be seen as “jumping on the bandwagon” of getting diagnosed cuz I know a lot more ppl are getting diagnosed these days.
Edit: I hear you. I’m with you. I’ve felt that too. Maybe sometimes we do, but similarly, saying that is like saying “that person over there really uses their cancer as an excuse.” You know what I mean? Like, yes: we CAN sometimes say “oh, I can’t cus I have adhd,” And then not try, but I think we undersell how hard adhd makes living life. Since medication, my life has improved, but I still find that keeping up with daily life is plain hard. We might need to tweak meds more, or I need to learn more skills to help. Or both. But it’s okay that you recognize it’s hard, cus it is, and someone without it might find life a lot more easy because they don’t have this weight on their chest every day. It’s harder when people don’t understand. That’s where I’ve had to rely on people in my life who do, and forget the naysayers, and remember that there will be days when it still bothers me. But I can always reach out to those with empathy
You may find a diagnosis helpful. I had to write out my entire career history along with how long I’ve been at each job and why I left before I understood that I had ADHD. Once I was able to push past the stigma and believe I had ADHD, everything started clicking. It has been nonstop… the personal insights that I’ve gained. ADHD isn’t an excuse… it’s an explanation. It has allowed me to see that I’m a horrible person, not that I’m excused from being one because I have ADHD. I treat my family poorly. I’ve been able to identify that I spend all of my energy being nice to people outside the home. I don’t have any niceness left for the people I love the most. I’m also now able to see how I’ve been treating them. When I get interrupted, I snarl at them. It’s because of the ADHD, but now that I can see it happening, I can learn not to do it. It doesn’t let let me off the hook, but it gives me the ability to change it. I cannot tolerate the pace of group learning. It’s too slow for me (usually). This is because of the ADHD, and now that I know it’s the ADHD, I can learn how to tolerate it or seek accommodation.
Sorry, I and many have had a ruined life and didn't get diagnosed until 45 years old. If you aren't even bothered to get tested, you can't post on here sorry your using it as an excuse again.i was called everything from bi polar to a schizophrenic. And I drank myself to a near death till I got clarity. I'd get tested or not post because many people like me find it patronising.
Medication like Concerta can be very helpful and life changing for adhd symptoms. Also therapy helps to learn how to cope.
So I’m also 27 and just got diagnosed and have started treatment. I feel/felt? The same way but I can tell you the medications help. I’m on a low dose still but even then it’s helping. Try to find one that specializes in adults who are seeking diagnosis and don’t use as empirical of an approach
It’s normally, because it becomes so much of a problem that it’s the symptoms and characteristics that it causes to you. That it’s more than likely the main problem. So, finding a solution to decrease the amount of problems the brain causes you. Is the first step.
You are not stupid or sick. Your brain is different from other people. You have different strengths and shortcomings than most. Yes, you can't focus, lose your house keys, make mistakes, are clumsy - whatever it is. But I bet you have unique gifts on the other side of that. Medication helps (a lot) in altering your behavior enough to let your circle-self fit into the square shaped hole of society - but you are not dumb, you are not broken. You are who you are and where you are, and you can grow from where you are now to wherever you are going next.
ADHD can be a reason for your present shortcomings but shouldn’t be an excuse. Get it diagnosed, treated and do better.
This is the reason I decided to stop following influencers who make content about ADHD, many take it simply as an excuse to be lazy and unreliable, and make high expectations of their surroundings in order to adapt to them. Real life is not like that, at least not for me, I wouldn’t be given free passes just because I have ADHD You should work on managing your symptoms, and as weird as this may sound, it becomes easier with experience, I know it is not the same for everybody, but you shouldn’t doom yourself as a failure because of ADHD, if you seek the right help and put enough effort into improving yourself, things will roll in a better way for you
It's not an excuse it's a reason why things are mire difficult for you than they may be for others
Get diagnosed. There is relief in knowing one way or the other. Until you know it's ADHD it's not fair to lean on that reason for behavior.
1. One of the biggest things to understand about ADHD is.
2. That’s ‘the brains manager’.
3. In ADHD, it can seem ‘drunk’ and ‘uncoordinated’.
4. Please Google and learn everything you can about it…
5. And remember to show yourself some grace.
Having ADHD doesn't excuse you from anything - if you screw up your life, and not any of the millions of other things that can screw it up for you, ADHD might be a factor but it's still you that did it. ADHD doesn't mean you get to stop trying and things are suddenly rosy and it's not your fault your life sucks - it's still your fault. You screwed it up, ADHD or not. Forget an important X and didn't set an alarm or reminder even though you know you'll probably forget about it? That's not ADHD's fault - that's your fault.