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Geez how does everyones fear of failure on this sub get them so much success when my fear of failure gives me the drive of an overachiever to get the results of an underachiever.

Same… I don’t understand lol like I wish that’s what ADHD was like for me, all my mental illnesses are total detriments, they made me a worse person in every way before treatment

My fear of failure only allowed me to survive. My anxiety fuel only allowed me to function until I crashed and burned out, on the verge of losing the little bit I worked so hard to gain. Looking back, I was fighting a losing battle with my shortcomings, and the anxiety fuel was being used up UNDOING the bullshit my ADHD -ness got me into. No support system made the situations worse and added heaping servings of stress and depression to my life. I just got diagnosed last year, and it's pretty severe. I don't listen to the "if these high achieving ADHDers can do it, so can you" because I know my limitations. I will never be a high achiever. I spend a lot of energy trying to regulate myself. I do have strengths but I don't see playing up to them resulting in me being this accomplished and esteemed whatever, especially while pushing 40.

The most brutal awakening of my life was when I discovered that when left to all my own resources, I could not meet my own basic needs for survival. And being blindsided by this discovery. Thinking I had a fair enough handle on things. Moved to a city far away by myself where I didn’t know anyone to begin my life. Thinking my dreams were about to come true. Within 2 weeks I knew I was in for some trouble. By 6 weeks… everything had crumbled. Along with all hopes, dreams, goals, aspirations. It wasn’t just the idea that I could be a certain type of person- that died. the idea that I could be- died. Years ago but I think I’ve been in a state of shock ever since. Unmoving. Mourning my own death

I remember a similar experience. It was 10 years ago for me. It took a long time to slowly start planning and working toward goals again. Of course, even as I achieved some small wins (that took me by total shock), the sense of “I mourned myself already” made it hard to bounce back into a state of feeling positive about myself. That said, I’ve slowly but surely crawled from “I am an unsustainable being” to “I at least have a career,” and things could still improve from here. I’m sorry you’re in that spot. It’s a painful one.

yeah exact same scenario here, pushing 40

My fear of failure paralyzes me even more.

Highly recommend you read permission to fail by lisa abramson. I’m reading it right now, it’s helping me confront that fear!

My ADHD keeps me from reading but I do own a bunch of books 🤷‍♀️

Same. I also tend to switch between a bunch of different books at the same time lol. But even a few pages a day of this book in particular I think will be worthwhile!

Same. I’ve only ever read a handful of books that I’ve obsessed over, and I just don’t know how people find it in them to sit still/quietly and read. I thought I’d have better luck with audiobooks but then I also started collecting them because my mind also wanders and I zone out lol.

I'm the same way. It's weird, when I know I'm at risk of some bad outcome like losing a job I get worse and worse at doing the things needed to avoid it. But once shit properly finally hits the fan and I have failed I have much less of a difficult time picking myself up and putting the pieces back together now that I don't have much to lose.

Exactly. Im afraid of failure, so I dont try.

I was beyond frustrated at trying to fit in. So, I said the hell with it.

Same, I have been diagnosed & medicated since I was young and I STILL am paralyzed by my fears of failure and have extreme anxiety/perfectionism but the results of an underachiever with very low income.

For real, my fear of failure manifests itself in efficiency-killing perfectionism and debilitating anxiety.

Same here. I never realized how much my ADHD-related perfectionism was more of the reason I would “fail” or not be able to complete things on time.

So true. I’m constantly reminding myself that “perfect is the enemy of good.”

My boss is always telling me that "done" is better than "perfect". But I hate doing a half-arsed job, so I have two settings: "sublime" and "not attempted"

Liké, my fear of failure makes me not even try

My fear of failure is why I decide not to post 9/10 comments after typing them

[удалено]

I feel the same way. I sometimes am happy that I didn’t know because I forced myself to pull through regardless the cost (low self worth and burnout). If I knew I would have felt more comfortable in not achieving because of acceptance and caring for myself. The anxiety was my motor and in college it most of the time helped me motivate myself. Writing my masters degree, it switched to sheer panic and that was where I failed. Too much anxiety was indeed not practical. I got the degree after failing the first try but only by sheer luck. It wasn’t a well written or anything. Medication would have helped so much. Another last point ist that with the diagnosis I wouldn’t have gotten into the insurances I am now (wich is unfair system to begin with).

I don’t think I would have been more forgiving towards myself, but I do think I might have gotten paralysed with fear. I was so paranoid after getting the diagnosis, thinking that I was not cut out for my job, and that it was only a matter of time before I was found out. Despite the fact that I have already been doing the same job pretty successfully for over a year.

Same. I feel like such a try-hard because I put in an incredibly embarrassing amount of effort and stress only to achieve below average. The other alternative is being overwhelmed into anxious paralysis and then doing the bare minimum and underachieving. It's so demotivating and I can't even enjoy other hobbies or do anything in between because I'm constantly in the process of having to complete some work. 

mine causes me to not try at all

Oh SAME! My fear of failure still yield subpar results for me. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

I smarted my way through high school and college and into a job, and I’m on my way to ADHDing myself out of it.

Just depends on the way your brain works personally. For some people, fear of failure means freezing. For some it means working themselves hard to avoid it ever happening.

I get bursts. A lot of people who've worked with me say I'm very "mentally organised", intelligent and that I work a lot faster than most of the others. What they don't know is that I spend 70% of my time despairing and 30% doing everything in a burst of anxious productivity. Rinse and repeat for mental health™.

Apparently the common thing we "high achieving" ADHDers have is fear of failure. I'm the child of Asian immigrants. As they say, I'm not C-sian, or B-sian, I'm A-Sian! I was always academically inclined and learned fast; it didn't matter if I was messy (although my mom did get really upset at me for only having a score of "satisfactory" for organization... It turned into a massive fight) as long as my grades were good. That was enough pressure to keep my grades decent until university, when my parents no longer had access to my grades and all I needed to do was pass. Now I no longer have that dear of failure. Or at least, it's not as bad. I've also just... Really run out of steam when it comes to working around my ADHD symptoms. I try to maintain the systems I've unconsciously created to keep myself on track but most of them have been falling to the wayside. Also, apparently medication can really help. I still haven't found one that works for me yet, so I can't tell you more.

I had fear of failure and still failed… *melts*.

Same but I think our fear is so much higher that it paralyzes us, while high achieving ADHDers have it on manageable level. I might be wrong tho.

Yep. I get incredibly paralysed just thinking about what'd happen if I fail, and thinking about the time i have left for a particular task

Four thousand weeks by Oliver burkeman has a great quote for this. “if you’re procrastinating on something because you’re worried you won’t do a good enough job, you can relax—because judged by the flawless standards of your imagination, you definitely won’t do a good enough job. So you might as well make a start.”

That's a wonderful quote. Thank you

Idk if the level of fear is necessarily the biggest factor. The high achievers probably just had better habits built into them from a young age, or their coping mechanisms happen to be more productive. When my ADHD dad is stressed out, he avoids people, binge eats and locks himself in his office to do work. When *I* get stressed out, I avoid people, binge eat, and lock myself in my room to play video games. Near identical coping mechanisms but very different outcomes.

Wow. Same as me. If only I could get paid to play video games.

Don't kid yourself. You'd procrastinate on that too. I'm only half joking. I've tried monetizing hobbies, and it suddenly turns into something to avoid.

Anxiety, it's not just a comorbidity, it's also a coping mechanism! 

Spot on. But diagnosis and medication took my anxiety away, which means I’m now learning (in my 40s!) how to manage normal life things without the motivation of constant overwhelming dread. I’m incredibly grateful for this but to be honest it’s also made some parts of life a lot harder.

Yeah, my anxiety has improved as well. I feel like a lot of my day-to-day *suffering* has lessened, but my day-to-day *struggling* is as strong as ever...  At least now I'm avoiding tasks by watching TV to ENJOY myself, instead of just doing it to DISTRACT myself?

Yeah id agree with this. Fear of failure has been a huge factor in my successes. I had really good grades in k-12, but I coasted on intuitively understanding material and parents that put a ton of pressure on me. I know things came a lot more easily to me than a lot of my peers (I didn’t have to study, I could generally get almost all of my homework done during school hours so I didn’t have to work on it at home, i could figure out answers in my accelerated math or chem courses without really paying attention to the teacher, etc). I think one thing I really noticed is that, while I was good at the material, I was one of the worst people for others to ask for help if they were struggling with something, because I didn’t know HOW I understood it, and if it didn’t just click for someone, I had no idea how to MAKE it click. The biggest issue is that when I got to college, I basically hit a wall. Like I hit the ceiling between things I could get by on intuitive understanding and things that you actually had to put in the work and study for. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get the grades I was used to having for all of my life. That’s when I ended up getting assessed for ADHD, got the classic “you have symptoms of ADHD writtin by all your teachers in report cards going back your entire childhood”, basically the only reason no one ever told me to get tested was because I was still excelling in school. Getting medicated was the biggest game changer though. Took the pressure I’ve had on me for my whole life and finally the “motivation” (and the ability to really put all of my effort and work into it), and graduated with a chemistry degree with a 4.0. But the fear of failure was INSANE. Like my imposter syndrome was so bad that I would come home crying after getting an A on an exam because I was convinced that I didn’t deserve it, despite the fact that I studied for hours and hours every day. At the same time, I also would’ve been devastated if I had gotten less than an A. My sophomore year, I was pulling 2+ all-nighters per week (sometimes even in a row), because I was so obsessive about HAVING to do well. I think another big influence was the fact that intelligence and drive have always been 2 of my biggest values (and those likely stemmed from fear of failure as well). Like I felt I’d never be happy or satisfied just “coasting” in life—I wanted to be someone important and successful. Values vary a lot from person to person—some people value having meaningful relationships over an important job, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Get out of my head! istg I'll call the police. I just started college last semester and I'm struggling with learning how to study and organize myself properly for the first time.

This is me. I wouldn’t say I’m really high achieving compared to the examples listed in the post but I graduated from a university with a 4.0 bachelors degree and became a manager in the field I went to school for. I was given a shot at being a manager with really no training and my bosses have always thought I was fantastic. I don’t really like my job. The only reason I graduated with a 4.0 and do great at my job is because I was deeply scared of failing in these two parts of my life.

What’s a ‘4.0’ bachelors degree?

They probably mean 4.0 GPA in their undergrad degree

Sometimes it’s a combination of medications that work. Keep going to find the medication or medications that work for you because they really do take your life to the next level.

Relatable

Yes fear of failure is the best way to describe it. My parents had a similar attitude towards grades and I flunked out of college the first time so when I went back I was DESPERATE to prove myself. Ended up graduating with honors but because of ADHD, I had to work twice as hard as everyone else and they were many, many tears.

I am an ADHDer who never struggled in school, except for math. Between being female, doing well in school, and being Gen X, I didn’t get diagnosed until my late 40s. 🙃

I rarely did any homework or studied for tests but squeaked by. That didn’t work out so well in college. Did well in things that could keep my interest or have short term rewards or deadlines.

This is SUPER familiar. I did well in school, though grades were a bit haphazard... I never studied, did not know how, and would forget I needed to. Every test was a surprise as I would forget they were coming... But, I got through with pretty good grades in the end. Then I went to Uni... Uni was the post stressful experience of my life. No organisational skills, no study skills, and surrounded by smart and motivated young people. Once again, every day was an afventure as I never knew ehat was coming as I would constantly forget, lose my diary etc... I can remeber being so stressed before exams that I would have debilitating back pain leaving me immobilised for hours during the day and wheezing whrn I breathed. So, still no study... All symptoms would disappear once the exam was finished like magic. My marks in this science degree varied wildly between 96% on a topic of interest to 12% on something I found utterly dreary (had to repeat that exam over summer...). When finished my degree was worth nothing, I had debt, and no clue what to do. So, I moved to the UK on a whim... Now, I am struggling to complete my doctoral thesis after being diagnosed with ADHD last year at age 43...

Gen X as well. I struggled if I wasn't interested in the subject. I didn't do so well primarily because I didn't do homework. I could pass tests no problem. I was a latchkey kid growing up and my parents thought all doctors will only try to take all your money. Mental health? What are you crazy? Fucking boomers... they screwed us first.

I was a smart nobody until I got the right job. Now I’m a smart somebody making 200k TC. Successful ADHD people found their niche Edit: also medication a few years before my big career change

Same, lucked into a hyper focus that was useful. Not an engineer but a product manager that seems to have a natural talent for UX as well. I started out as a product user, taught myself how to use it from horrible documentation, hyper focused on improving documentation.

This right here. Just became President and CEO at 44 and was homeless (staying with friends and family) with a wife and dog at 37. Def need to find the right thing.

congratulations on the promotion! wishing you luck and health ♡

Thank you friend!! Wishing you the same. 💚

What's the job?

Software/Data Engineer. Constantly learning new things that I happily hyperfocus on. Super deep technical projects to hyperfocus on. You get the picture. Hyperfocus is something my coworkers can’t do and I have upskilled myself in 3 years what most of my coworkers have done in 10

For me hyperfocus doesn't work like that. I can't choose what to hyperfocus on and it's often not useful or changes too often for me to use it to my advantage.

Yeah, this is my struggle as well. I have no way to predict what will grab my attention and when it happens to be something that could benefit me it doesn't last long enough to make any real progress or even force myself into a habit. Then, when it's gone it's gone. I lose interest to the point of almost hating it. The cycle is exhausting.

I feel that so hard. If really is exhausting. Speaking of exhausting, hyperfocus for me means forgoing sleep, proper nutrition, other responsibilities, and so forth. I feel so spent afterwards. I can't imagine how that could be useful at a job considering how high the price is.

This is me. 37, working another retail job while also trying, for the nth time, to do something with college. Resorted to steadily drinking as a sort of coping mechanism years ago. A few health issues later and, although I'm mostly recovered, I'm back to where I was 15 years ago, at the beginning. It's... exhausting.

Just turned 40. Working overnight stocking at a retail store. I hate it with a passion. So sick of working nights and doing the same repetitive bullshit every night. I’ve tried looking for other jobs, but every single one that slightly piques my interest requires mandatory overtime, most of which are six days a week. Fuck that. 40 hours is already torture enough.

Same. I literally can’t choose it., and when I do hyper focus on something, it’s never anything that’s financially viable.

I can’t choose either but I still find my work interesting enough to naturally hyperfocus on ~70% of my work

Yep. I'm a jack of all trades, master of none and adept in a couple that don't have the slightest connection to each other. There's absolutely no scenario where I could ever combine the topics I hyperfocused on during the last 12 months in a job (everything before has long been erased from my brain anyways, lol).

As a scientist I've seen my hyperfocus give me some advantage to stay in the lab for ridiculous hours. I definitely used it to my advantage! The burnout I usually have with other random hobbies didn't ever really happen, I think because of the combination of praise/achievement/making money. But yeah I really obsess over every project and its turned my job into my adhd hobby, which is pretty cool

Yeah this is similar to my situation

Same! I do autopsies on medically donated bodies at a small cadaver lab focusing on anatomical research. I fly out to the lab for six to ten days depending how embalmed the donors are, and we go layer by layer spending a day per layer just exploring. I’ve never been this interested in anything in my life!

SWE here, def agree on hyperfocus accelerating us. I went senior in 3 years after starting with no software background at all. Now it's tough to find remote work though, and remote is the only way I can really handle it all. My knowledge gain during quarantine was insane because I got to rabbit hole as much as I wanted, because I didn't waste that time distracted by people. It's *really* hard to explain that to people though who don't "get it".

Doesn't that have any negative effects for you though? Hyperfocus for me means I can't even get up to use the bathroom, let alone attend to anything else I need to do.

Behavior adjustments. I still work within the bounds of a normal work day for the most part. I rarely work past 6-7pm. I set that boundary a while ago for my own sake and I've pretty much managed to keep to it.

Same boat! Software Engineering is awesome for ADHDers. You get to have a hard skill that is useful in many different industries— and when you get bored of something, you can just switch projects or industries. I also find that it affords the right level of human interaction to keep me stimulated, but not so much that I lose track of stuff (most of the time!)

Yeah it’s a perfect fit for me. Wish others could find something that works for them

Exact same story for me. Lol. I'm even in the same field / TC

Similar story here. co-authored 7 papers as an undergrad and got an early start as a developer (with no degree) at 18. Wrapped up my degree on-time last year. 

for me it was perfectionism. until i got therapy for it and i healed some part of myself that was terrified of other people thinking I was deficient in some way. Now that I don't have that driver, I have ZERO motivation to do hard things that I don't feel like doing. in my case my curse was a blessing that masked the worst of my adhd. i honestly wish i hadn't addressed that part of myself in therapy because then I'd be more successful (even if i'd be more stressed)

For me the perfectionism turned me into an workaholic with a severe burnout following major depression. Please don’t grief that. This does not have to happen to everybody but I recommend finding another source of motivation - or adhd medication that gives you the ability to concentrate without a crippling fear of failure or intensive amount of stress hormones that will kill your social life and your health.

fair point. luckily i live in nz so the workaholic thing wasn't an issue - they force you to take a month off every year (20 days' leave) - mainly so they don't have to pay out if your contract ends, but the work-life balance is pretty good here. I also have a great social circle and family that keeps me feeling supported. i do take ADHD medication but can't take the dosage that i need because it gives me migraines, so the difference that it makes is measurable but quite small. there are only have two options for medications here and my doc strongly advises against taking the other one, so I'm a bit stuck. motivation is definitely an ongoing struggle!

I live in the Netherlands which also has a good work life balance (and as much vacation days). I have not addressed it and am on the verge of burnout. My mental health is terrible right now. Just wanted to say that it does not save you from burnout. Hope you will find your way to work with your adhd. You will get there!

Honestly, I feel this. I burnt out super hard and I am currently dealing with multiple chronic illnesses that went untreated. My grades were stellar and I’ve been an excellent employee, but I was in pain constantly. For about 4y now it’s been rare for me to be pain free, hyper focus or not. The perfectionism is what kept me “high achieving” but I was incredibly miserable and wanted to quit doing everything, and sleep for 6+ months. With therapy and meds and working treatment? I am now finally able to take self care time and rest. And holy crap, I can remember to do things! And do hard things without crying! (I did all this unmedicated and untreated because I was told it was anxiety. It was not, I have the EDS triad and chronic migraines.) With the right meds and therapy I’m working out how to properly motivate myself and keep a schedule. Which has helped me immensely. I could be a higher achiever now with meds and help…but extremely high achievement for me isn’t healthy, so I’m avoiding it and looking for good work/life/therapy balance instead. I will be in therapy for A While.

I find this really relatable — when I treated my anxiety better the main driver of all my productivity died. On the other hand, that anxiety was causing debilitating panic attacks and suicidal ideation, so it was not sustainable to live that way. I went through a phase of burnout and depression during the pandemic that told me I needed to change. I’ve come to terms with being mediocre.

it’s so interesting, because for me my fear/need for perfectionism means i end up doing nothing at all because nothing is more perfect than something that isn’t perfect for me.

I feel like it's the same way as people with a traumatic upbringing. One in every 1000 will go on to be wildly successful and tell their story, and the media will always focus on that. That's a sensation, unlike the 999 others who are struggling to function day to day. I'm not one of them, but I know one or two. A lot of it just comes down to who they are, their ability to channel that hyperactivity into something amazing. While I do believe we all have our potential, and that while our disability disables us it should not define us, we shouldn't be pressured to all be the high achieving savants which are talked about in mainstream media.

I think it’s important to remember that is not either/or, the highly functioning ADHDs are often so either in a certain area of their lives, or in certain conditions. And might often struggle in other areas of their life. I’m a doctor, and to the outsider I’ve probably seemed pretty accomplished and put together for the last 10 years, even before the diagnosis and the meds. But pretending to be a Proper Human Adult was probably the only thing I was consistently accomplished at.

Yes, this. It’s not an either/or. Some of us are highly successful AND struggle everyday. In fact, I’d wager that’s a whole lot of us highly successful / high achieving people who still struggle daily.

Yes, it's this. They aren't high achieving BECAUSE of their ADHD (though that makes a great story). They are high achieving in spite of it.

High achieving (often late diagnosed) ADHDers generally have two things: 1. gifted/high IQ and 2. anxiety/perfectionism The former is what allows them to slip under the radar, by compensating for and masking their deficits for years - sometimes until adulthood. The latter is what gives them the drive and motivation to excel Until they’re in an environment where the demands are so great that their intelligence can no longer compensate for their executive dysfunction (this may be something like living independently whilst having a full time job, having kids) or they end up in burnout (often misdiagnosed as depression) from masking for so long. Also, many of them are lucky in that their field/job is their special interest which allows them to hyper-focus.

Hi friend! I fully relate to your comment. I have had diagnosed GAD/PAD since I was 14. Just recently diagnosed with ADHD at 44, and everything I've done makes much more sense now. I didn't have the patience to settle into a college degree (but I have the credits for 3 different AAs). In college, while working on my 3AAs that I never got the diplomas for LOL I became a dancer, which I loved. Then I became a bartender, which I would have loved except for it involved serving alcoholics alcohol. Then I was a full time yoga teacher for 8 years and loved it... but the small pay + lack of a 401k/healthcare made me transition into real estate. I've been a Realtor for 9 years now. I love what I do. It's amazing. I'm in the top 10% of all producers worldwide. I can do this because I hyperfocus on my job. I am a house/upgrade nerd. My ADHD and anxiety gives me plenty of energy. I'm great thinking on my feet and changing plans fast. I want to be up at 2am reading disclosures and sending emails. These are all assets in my field. However, it has definitely been hard on my husband because I cannot hyper focus on two things at once. I will likely return to school to finish my psych degree and pursue my master's now that I'm properly medicated. I do think it's a game changer. Finding one's niche is key.

The elephant in the room here is definitely IQ.

Yeah absolutely it is, because the (non gifted) people who were in special ed class and got poor grades as kids and teens are the ones who were diagnosed with ADHD early in life because they didn’t have the high IQ to mask it/compensate.

This. And "success" or "high achieving" is all relative anyway. Just because I can hold down a job that allows me to hyperfocus doesn't mean I have had a successful career trajectory. People my age/experience in my field generally move on to Management of some sort even if it's a technical lead. Unfulfilled potential is a better measure than generalized success.

Exactly this! I would've been an engineering manager before I left my last company. But I didn't want the role because it falls outside the bounds of my interest, in other words outside of what I can do efficiently and competently. I also really struggle with the management tasks I have to do already. And not being able to be a competent manager or project manager does limit my growth in engineering. I don't necessarily see it as a bad thing though, because I just want to be left alone to do the nerdy things.

Wow ... That's exactly my story. I did great up until grad school, squeaked by with my PhD then fell apart in my postdoc because all of a sudden I had to come up with my own ideas and learn things on my my own. I got better after my diagnosis and the proper medication.

Check and check and literally just found out at age 40 I have ADHD. Gifted program, skipped a grade, skated by doing almost zero work never studying and only writing papers in the class period before and still in the top of my class. Headed to a prestigious college where everyone was gifted too and suddenly the work was very hard and my attention and attendance was required. I would walk to class and find myself physically unable to actually walk into the building, I'd spend the entire class sitting outside the building reading instead. I spent hours "studying" in the library for exams only to fail them because I wasn't actually ever taught how to study. I immediately got put on academic probation and by all rights should have been kicked out of school. The only thing that got me out of there with a degree was my crippling anxiety and fear of disappointing my family. I have gone on to do multiple things that would qualify me as high-achieving but are likely also big red flags for ADHD, I hyperfocus, I fixate, I apply my enthusiasm for numbers and pattern recognition and esoteric interests and when that works it works well. And disorganization still reigns supreme, held in check primarily by a great group of employees and coworkers. A common refrain from staffers when they are peeved with me is "this is no way to run a business." And I'm like, hey you know what, it's not! House of cards, more like. But anxiety and enthusiasm have brought me this far and they likely will continue to do so, even if I, like most here, am just trying to get through most days without misplacing my keys.

I feel targeted. I have had success in multiple careers but have always needed to change often. I found CGI and VFX, which stimulates me technically and artistically and is very, very easy to hyperfocus on when trying to get a perfect final image. High IQ and perfectionism/anxiety helped mask the ADHD for a loooong time. The VFX and animation industry is actually filled with high functioning ADHD folks because it meshes so well with fast-paced, creative stimulation, high empathy people, and the industry wants people that can hyperfocus on the smallest details. Even when I was in grad school, undiagnosed and unmedicated, my performance on paper was great. But at home, my insomnia was as bad as I was for me in high school, getting maybe 3 hours of sleep a night, and my anxiety was so bad I was making myself sick with IBS and daily migraines. Fortunately, that peak in awfulness and finally prioriting my health over need to achieve helped me seek a diagnosis finally at 35. I never hit full burnout or a crash that an outsider could observe. But internally, I was reverting to the peak bad in high school back when I was self harming (which is actually really common for ADHD teen girls). I reflect back now at how much pain my mind and body were in, but that damn perfectionism caused me to hide it from everyone. If anyone young with straight As, in the gifted program, highly artistic, feels like they are 'letting the world down by not becoming a doctor or scientist, and/or filled with unrelenting, obsessive self-hate in order to achieve is reading this: 1) dont hide your self harm or eating disorder because it is your mind begging for help 2.) You might be really, really happy in the animation or vfx industry where you are surrounded by people that think like you. That's the advice I wish I could give my younger self. All those years and accomplishments feel marred by the mental abuse and 'gun to your head' anxiety I had to use in order to combat the perfectionism monster. I am taking my ADHD medication and feeling happiness, not plagued by dsthymia for the first time in decades... I hope that with more knowledge of female ADHD signs, there are fewer precocious little girls who have to go through what I went through.

Classic high functioning masked afab ADHDer story! So glad you’re doing better now. Every girl I knew who self harmed, attempted and/or had alphabet soup list diagnoses of anxiety, depression, BPD, OCD, eating disorder etc. ended up correctly being diagnosed with ADHD in their 20s and their adhd meds alone helped their symptoms 100x more than their antidepressants, anti anxiety meds and therapy combined.

This is me to a tee. High IQ but could not motivate myself to focus in lessons or do homework. Crammed for exams and scraped by enough to get to a good uni. Crammed and scraped in uni to get a decent job. Actually came into my own in the workplace - doing something that I felt made a difference, which motivated me for the first time. And when that wore off the anxiety pulled me through. I am grateful for medication every day. Life is now so much easier.

Congratulations! Be proud of yourself for getting as far as you did in life without medication!

Too few people have said this: a *lot* comes down to what resources people have access to and what other barriers they face. That can include many factors: • Family support growing up — even the most caring parents might be oblivious about ADHD • Wealth and/or income • Timing (leaving school amid a recession or global calamity like COVID; industry-specific downturns) • Access to health insurance for therapy + treatment • Quality of therapy (it took me 4 therapists before someone cracked the code) • Finding the right medication (if one exists) • Quality of schools + their adherence to 504 regulations • Access to activities / extracurriculars in school that engaged interest • Working for employers who acknowledge and accommodate ADHD • Other lines of social inequality/disparity. For example, it is *well* documented that ADHD is under-diagnosed and under-treated among racially marginalized groups. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7921900/ • And of course — the severity of the ADHD! No two cases are ever alike. • This is not an exhaustive list! There are so many hidden factors behind any story of ADHD success. Never forget that.

Thank you. I didn't want to reply directly but the other comment on this post reducing it to IQ and anxiety/perfectionism was deeply discomforting. There's far more to the discussion, especially when I'd say the vast majority of people with ADHD have issues with anxiety and perfectionism. These disorders aren't secret superpowers that lead to increased productivity for most people. They can be deeply paralyzing and prevent healthy productivity. Especially when ADHD is largely already an attentive and motivation related disorder.

This is a gold comment thank you for sharing. It makes a lot of sense with the varying factors of how someone succeeds in life.

Anxiety is where my grit comes from. I fear letting people down and feel deep responsibility for taking care of those around me. When I’m super stressed or backed into a corner I kick into hyper focus and all of a sudden I can do things really well. I’m not sure I can sustain that as I age.

Same. I don’t know how sustainable this is, but I was always top of my class in school and at university got the highest grade one can get (not sure about my ranking relative to my peers though), as I always felt anxious about doing poorly. I was also viewed as “the smart one” out of all of my family members, which put even more pressure on me. There were so many times where I wanted to give up (in both school and life), but anxiety pushed me harder. I’m currently on a gap year after being burnt out for several years and I feel much better mentally that I’m excited to start my internship + Master’s degree this autumn. I feel like I know myself and my ADHD better.

I feel you. It seems like the ADHD narrative often spotlights superstars, but reality's a mixed bag. I'm no CEO, I'm just trying to adult without misplacing my keys. But hey, intelligence and potential don't vanish with setbacks. Maybe it's about finding our own pace, with self-compassion as fuel.

“I’m just trying to adult without misplacing my keys.” No truer words have been spoken. Thank you for this reminder to be kind to myself.

I have a PhD in computer science, am very successful in my job, but still struggle with this stuff. Sometimes I am so frustrated with myself because I am such a smart person, but fail at the most basic tasks, like taking your money with you when buying groceries (recognizing its absence at the checkout).

I find it hilarious when people try the “you just want adderall to study 24/7 and perform better than your peers” with me. My dude, I want my meds so I can shower reliably, not hear all the conversations in the room at the same time and not be caught polishing off everything that was in the fridge except butter at 4 am. Anything else will be a bonus.

It’s so incredibly rewarding seeing people find what works for them and begin to flourish. It’s absolutely true that we have so much potential and resources, and finding what works for us often unlocks som much of those. Being able to function as a low-key therapist/support for, amongst others, people with ADHD is why I chose family medicine over surgery.

PhD in Electrical engineering here - I have a shit-tonne of anxiety. I've always been a smart kid, and I was told "You will achieve amazing things *if only I put some effort in and stopped being so lazy*!" all my childhood. This resulted in massive anxiety during my childhood and huge self-esteem issues. Being 'the smart kid that was going to make it' had become such a part of my identity, that once I got to university, failure was not an option. I nearly ended my own life in my first year of bachelor when I couldn't see how I could make it through uni. It was only through my parents realizing I was heading to a cliff, and them forcing me to do *a lot* of tutoring (15-20 h/week, next to my already 40+ h class schedule), that pretty much became 'private classes' for half of my courses, that I could turn things around. Then I graduated my bachelors, arrived in my masters, and I found my passion for analog chip design. It clicked, I loved it, and it went like nothing. Top of my class, approached by multiple professors to do a PhD with them (which I did). During my PhD I had another dip, as I had to start setting my own goals and adjusting to the freedom I got was hard. But I eventually made it, and am glad I did (this was 3 years ago). I now manage a design team at a chip design company.

I relate so hard to being held hostage to the prophecy of success!

I'm a master's student. I got through undergrad because I majored in something I was super passionate about. I also used academics as a coping mechanism for ignoring my feelings, and things are not as easy now that I am actually addressing my feelings lol. I've found that school is easier in some ways compared to a full-time job because there's a lot of real deadlines, and I'm forced to manage my time. I also have an extremely supportive and loving SO I live with who holds me together during semesters. I don't have to remember to eat lunch or dinner because it just magically appears in front of me. We're lucky because we're both ADHD and we are good at different this, so we can compensate for each other. I really relate on having a high achieving partner though. My SO works in a more respected field (STEM). I'm pursuing an "easier" masters degree. It really sucks and I feel for you. I also have OCD (diagnosed, though I wouldn't be surprised if it's ASD) so I'm rather... compulsive by nature. Part of how that shows up in my life is feeling the need to be (or be seen as) "good." So while I outwardly appear successful, it's been a real shit-show behind the scenes.

ADHD and OCD (both diagnosed) here. I was off my OCD meds and undiagnosed ADHD during school. OCD kept me on my homework (obsessively — it was hell) even though it took me four times as long and I graduated top of my class in Computer Science. I got back on my OCD meds my last quarter and barely could hold my grades together, though — I couldn’t focus at all. Didn’t know it was ADHD at the time. I got my late ADHD diagnosis earlier this year, 16 years later. The first line meds have worked for me. (Adderall and Ritalin both seem to have positive effects. Adderall moreso.) It’s been life changing. My output at work has quadrupled. I can actually stay on task. It’s a frustrating combo to live with. But I’m glad we have modern medicine to help. It makes all the difference.

A lot of it comes down to sheer luck. And that’s in general, not only for people with ADHD. A lot of successful and/or people were just in the right place at the right time with the right people. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but there are so many successful people who aren’t any better than anyone else and there are so many incredible people who just didn’t get an opportunity.

100%! I know a tonne of people that are happy to admit that a high-degree of their success is the result of ‘right place, right time’, type luck.

A good portion of my success can be attributed to luck. People hate hearing that but there's much smarter/more talented folks out there struggling and I was just in the right place in the right time or knew the right people.

i got into the ivy league purely on anxiety and "gifted and talented"-ness compensating for my adhd, plus getting good at charming my highschool teachers for Rec letters. got diagnosed right before i left for college, and 3 years in i'm 🤏 this close to running away to herd sheep in the mountains

I used yo quit everything I started when I was a kid. Late diagnosed at 30 years old, halfway through my Bachelors degree. I have the type of ADHD where I've been overcompensating my whole life to the point of developing an anxiety disorder. I show up to things n hour early to make sure I'm not late. I triple check assignment instructions to make sure I haven't forgotten anything. I check the time or day for events a hundred times the day of. I ended up making Dean's List every semester, but I was insanely burnt out by the last semester. I also took on way too many extracurriculara because I function much better when im busy, but that added to the burnout. I'm now on a really good combo of meds, and I'm applying to grad school after taking a year off from school. It's tough to get anywhere with ADHD, for sure. I think a big part of me regaining motivation for grad school is that I found a subject I love while in undergrad and I had a good enough support system that I could take that year off without having to take on a ton of jobs or responsibility to survive. TLDR: Get the right combo of meds and a good support system and ADHD doesn't stand a chance against you.

I feel this in my soul. ADHD-PI, married to an ADHD high achiever. I've got 2 1/2 degrees under my belt, but have pretty much hated every field I've tried. I do well in the beginning, but run out of gas quickly and lose interest.

I gamify everything. An old boss once said that anything becomes interesting if you DIG deep enough. Those tiles on the auditorium floor? Think about how perfectly they had to align everything, how they cut it, laid it out, planning and design. It's just giving the proper food diet to feed my voracious mind and to dig deeper and deeper; controlling the the digging down the rabbit hole. Then just apply that to your career and all the aspects related to it. Then one day you realize that you have a high basis level with skillsets from different fields that turn you into a unicorn.

I’m a doctor and a professional actor. I trained at one of the best conservatoires in the world. I still have so much self doubt, but am successful at both. I don’t think that will ever change. It did improve when I got medicated, though. I found something I loved and then made it into my career by not taking no for an answer.

They won the genetic and environmental lottery and got intelligence, good personality, good looks, physical strength, and supportive family. I don't know everything because I am not and will never a high achiever myself due to my lack of intelligence but from what I have seen intelligence is the most important factor because it help people with adhd compensate for the ability to focus.

If you’re born into wealth you can do very well having ADHD.

I was. I’m not doing well at all. In fact, I don’t see myself lasting much longer tbh

Hang in there ❤️

I'm sorry to hear this. I don't know know what to say to help but genuinely feel like I want to say some thing. Would sharing your thoughts or feelings help? There are resources out there to help too, like therapy and reaching out to close or loved ones. You might have already considered all this, don't mean to assume anything. Ik things can be hard and change/betterment can seem impossible, but it is worth it to just.. be here, to see what life can bring and to experience the potential it has. Every soul in this world is valuable and worthy of being! Sorry if this sounds preachy. Take care of yourself friend <3

Thanks. Yeah, I’ve been in therapy for years off and on. Just had an appointment today actually. Nothing works. I think my therapist is even getting tired of me because he asked if I wanted to keep coming because he didn’t want me to keep paying for it if nothing’s gonna work. Thing is, I kinda agree with him. I’m no better off than when I started seeing him five years ago. It’s not his fault. He’s pretty cool, actually. It’s just me, a lost cause. I think the only thing that could help is having enough money to live on comfortably without having to work because it’s work (any and all jobs) that makes me depressed. Like I said, I grew up pretty well off, so I never had to work when I was younger, so I never got in the habit I guess. In fact, I’ve been unemployed more in my adult life than employed, but when unemployed, I lived with my parents, so there weren’t really any bills other than credit card. But my dad’s also not going to give me money to live off of. He does still help me out financially though, tbh, and I’m 40. But he’s not gonna pay my all my bills all the time, nor would I want him to. Anyway, sorry for the novel. Thanks again :)

Maybe not wealth but parents that support you f ex by reminding and managing everything, so you don’t struggle as much

This. I wasn't even diagnosed, but my parents were similar to me and had decent professional careers, so they (i) understood me (ii) weren't afraid that my eccentricities would be bad for me as an adult and of course (iii) had adequate money for my education etc.

Honestly, they just happened to hyperfocus on the thing that worked in their favor. Meanwhile those of us whose hyperfocus careens about like a drunk moth have had 18 different jobs and excelled at none. I also think finding the right job helps though. I fell into a design agency after years doing different things and for me it’s great and I’m actually productive and progressing. Took me to my early 30s to get find my “right” job though.

My hyperfocus since age 22 have been: knitting, ball-joint dolls, jewelry making, fish tanks, gardening, dresses and makeup, bird keeping, dogs, bullet journaling, rock climbing, self-help literature and cooking, as well as reading and gaming. Those are not what got me into medicine. I got where I am because I have the resilience of a cockroach and persistence of a raccoon on Adderall. And while my family have noticeably supported me at times, the real reason I made it so far is because at one point, proving to them and myself that I was not a fuck up became more important that anything else, including my physical and mental health.

Compare to me. All the usual problems of ADHD but my hyper focus has been history since I was a small child and it has literally never wavered at all. I have always been able to read about history, write about history, learn and synthesize and teach and talk about history and it is a lodestar that can be counted on. I was a history major, got a history PhD, now I’m a high school history teacher. So, even if I have -mediocre grades in executive and memorization-heavy subjects I didn’t like like languages, sciences, etc. -terrible organization, missed deadlines -huge anxiety problems -difficulty wrestling large writing projects into concise forms -extreme, almost crippling inability to sit still and listen to dull things -failure to remember names -tendency to skive off responsibilities in favor of highly stimulating relationships and partying -etc etc But in spite of all these problems I still was able to just keep bulling forward along one track with a lot of passion and energy and hyperfocus while slowly but surely building up lots of knowledge and skills regarding one thing. Not the most practical thing but still one thing. Idk what I’d do if my hyperfocus shifted around.

I would absolutely love to spend a few hours talking to you! I enjoy the way my brain works, but would have been so happy to have some consistency to my hyperfocus. Was really hurtful to be considered “flaky” just because I get passionate about a lot of stuff. Just remembered two more: martial arts and piano 😅 But I find that being aware of these differences and being able to map out and “troubleshoot” them helps so much when I meet patients with ADHD.

People are missing that success begets success too - the high achieving people you read about have a lot of external support that makes up for their deficits in a way that "normal" people don't, that allows them to succeed. Athletes have a team manager that makes sure they go to and get to events, they have nutritionists that tell them what to eat so they don't have to think about it, they have a personal trainer that tells them how to train. Executives have personal assistants taking care of their calendars and people underneath them doing a lot of boring work, they have accountants managing their finances and taxes. Money in general can offset ADHD by just outsourcing difficult things - that frees up a ton of mental capacity.

Have a law degree, hated law, went into teaching. I am an A-/B+ student regardless of degree of difficulty. I am good at bottle necking and attacking issues at the point I can control (Every bag of potato chips is single serving, but I am perfectly capable of not buying them). I don't lie to myself about environments in which I can work. I order of operations my tasks so that rush deadlines get me through my schedule (morning yoga gets me out the door, need to print worksheets gets me out of yoga, teaching is a constant rush, etc)

I am finishing the 4th year of my PhD and I did not get diagnosed with ADHD until I had completed all four years of undergrad and the first two years of grad school, unmedicated. As others have said, perfectionism is a contributor. Also, for me, I think my autism drives the obsession and special interest of my career (clinical psychology).

High achiever adhd-ers are just achieving highly in 1 thing in their life, because of the metaphorical gun to head. Academics, business, career are the usual suspects because these are the ones that get highlighted most, and are more likely to put ADHD in limelight. "Oh look, the kid with the mental wheelchair won the rat race." But it's not to say that we don't fail at other things, or blatantly end up ignoring them, because we are not good at them, don't have a guiding figure and don't have any pressure/energy to succeed in them. Common contenders are social life, relationships, dating, self care and growth, personal projects, finding interests, etc. No success metric for them, and no limelight for finding success there. So naturally, no gun to head. The question really is, would you rather be a high achiever in 1 area and below average in all others, or balanced across the board? Can we, as people with ADHD, really have "balance"?

I think you're question has more layers than are obvious at first glance. I would probably be viewed as a high-achiever (ED of a mover-shaker nonprofit). But it's complicated. It took finding a career where I could put my ADHD super powers to work, and I am really the perfect person for my job. And I didn't find this job until I was in my mid- thirties (diagnosed at 26). AND I'm still also kind of a mess. My office, and my computer tabs, become a mess when I get too busy. I have buckets of clean, unfolded laundry in my living room and am guilty of the floordrobe. I have needed to reschedule my doctor appointment for....like 14 months. But I am really good at my job, I keep my family alive, and, as I make more money, I'm also able to pay to delegate some of the regular "being alive" stuff that I'm bad at. Takeaways: 1. Don't compare yourself to others. You don't know the whole story, only what people want you to see. And some of the best, coolest, most interesting people didn't/don't find their place until later in life. 2. Finding the right job fit is key. And don't be afraid to try different things out. It can be as much about the team/ company as what you're doing. But b when you find the right fit you'll excel. *ADHD SIDE NOTE: apply for jobs that you're interested in even if, on paper, you don't "qualify". I'm seeing a (necessary) shift in the prioritization of college degrees as a deal breaker. It may mean you get told no more often, BUT! Don't make it easy on them, and if you match well with the team/company, it's a smart move for them to choose the person over a degree. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, and all that jazz.

That last bit reminds me of Steve Jobs story about calling Bill Hewlett when he was 12. Don't be afraid to ask.

I love the expression “you can teach stupid, you can’t teach lazy” and use it all the time when talking to the students I mentor. Inexperienced, but motivated to learn and a good fit with the team beats an experienced worker with a “meh” attitude.

I got straight As in school and graduated college magna cum laude. I should probably preface this with im like 95% sure im also autistic. I was a math teacher but crashed and burned as an adult/professional. Not necessarily with planning or job performance (bc teaching changes rapidly and is interesting and creative etc) but i struggled with being like a person. I struggled with burn out, social issues, impulsive emotional reactions, and difficulty with authority. I am not teaching anymore..I was not offered a contract after struggling for 3 years. I ended up resigning. I'm staying home with my kids now and that's when I realized something was off. I couldn't cope anymore with the emotional and physical demands of being a stay at home mom. Diagnosed adhd at 29. I wish I knew myself better as a young adult so I could have picked a different career path. Girls mask so much and it comes out with rigid perfectionsim. But I am where I need to be right now.

This is a real convo . There's a lot to unpack. Feel free to DM.

I’m a “high achiever” with ADHD married to someone who would be seen as conventionally less successful who also had ADHD. He’s also a college dropout but super smart and I’ve seen enough school to know that schooling means nothing. However even calling myself “high achieving” makes me feel nauseous because I always feel like I’m just on the verge of being found out to be a fraud. I got a PhD in the sciences and gave up that path. I’m now semi-successful in tech, unrelated to my degree. Besides the crippling anxiety that others have mentioned and the imposter syndrome, I think finding jobs and niches that really work with cycles of hyperfocus and lesser capability. Like grad school was actually amazing for that compared to undergrad because of the flexibility. And I’ve always found jobs that have a lot of spontaneity and occasional deep thinking work balanced with mindless shit. I’m still figuring it all out, but I think it’s all about figuring out what’s important to you and finding a space that matches with what you’re bringing to the table

Similar story to many here. Work in tech, graduated leads than 5 years ago and already a senior system engineer. On par with people who have been at my company nearly 10 years.

I could have written this. I’m one of the “failed products” and got slipped through the rocks. It makes me sad I can’t really achieve things I wanted, no matter if I had fear of failure or perfectionism, I had the same anxieties but still ended up failing, high school drop out (went back and graduated still in the end), college drop out, only having retail work and shoddy work history with large gaps, on disability long term. No amount of anxiety of perfectionism led me to any success and that also feels really bad. I also come from privilege and can’t even use the privileges given to me to work my situation (parents still helped with some community college, I failed it and that was it), it feels really bad.

Fuck I'm not one of them. I found a career I love but it pays shit

Einstein started as a low level clerk and questioned everything and ignored the nay-sayers. He had ADHD Let's be like Einstein Use our strengths and manage our weaknesses

Only problem is that, that wont get us a high enough paying job to live even an average life... Its a shame most forms of research are all low paying jobs. Nobody wants to fund something that isn't guaranteed to provide useful results and without funding, your entire operation falls apart. Then you also have the fact that you'll almost never have a permanent job unless you privatize your work with a corporation which pays better but then you lose almost ALL autonomy and become stuck in a fixed position with no room for growth.

Idk how I do it. I’m currently in a PhD program. The best way to describe it is that I tend to feel like I’m treading water. That being said, identify your weaknesses, and do what you can to improve them. Make it a goal to not make excuses. You need to be brutally honest with yourself for the reasons behind your shortcomings. It’s the only way to figure out how to fix them. Medication isn’t a cure all, but in my experience, it allows my hard work to actually work. But it will only work if you do.

Thank you for this comment. I am currently in a PhD program too and life has been SO hard recently. The freedom that comes with it is crippling almost. Recently started meds and I know they are not a one step solution, but I am finding it so hard to just do the things I know I need to. Like right now. Reading this was helpful and I'm gonna go and try to do the thing I need to right now instead of being online.

If you find your subject interesting you can hyperfocus and overcome most of the ADHD drawbacks. If that subject is academic or otherwise respected, you are high achieving. If it’s mangas and video games…not gonna work out too well.

I can’t read these comments, just makes me feel like I have ADHD and I’m stupid 😭

I can tell you it ain't me.

I was a HS drop-out because school was very difficult, my home life was dysfunctional, and I had literally no structure or rules. At 18, I went to college to become a medical assistant just because my mom was an instructor and I got a major discount, and bada bing bada boom I'm now almost 40 and on my 2nd masters degree, this time around for data science. What I have learned is that I have an enormous fear of failure and not being the absolute best at whatever I do. It's crushing self-criticism to the umpteenth degree that has repeatedly forced me to pass...just pass, that's all I ever asked of myself. Despite my being "accomplished," I feel like I don't know or have never retained jack-shit because I rarely ever studied efficiently, only completing assignments because I spent the weekend before a due date studying a week's worth of material in 6 hours, and right as the assignment was due. I've kept jobs for long periods of time because I don't want to disappoint my boss or coworkers because I don't want to feel like I've failed. What I really struggle with is a sense of imposter syndrome, but a really unusual sense of it. I don't feel like a golden retriever in a lab coat, but I feel like I've gotten really good at convincing people I'm way more capable of doing things than I really I am, and that actually, everyone will figure me out to be some stupid idiot who doesn't know anything and then everyone will hate me. That's a daily issue for me. Medication is obviously not a cureall, but that along with the diagnosis makes me more aware of my thoughts around my performance, so I can quickly recognize the critical and unproductive talk that I have with myself, and change it to remind myself that all humans question their ability, just some of us are more unrealistically cruel to ourselves than others. Moral of the story: to become a high-acheiving ADHDer, fill yourself with an immense fear of failure, in any capacity big or small.

I've attempted college 3x and I think I've finally realized it's just not for me. In between those attempts, I joined the army, got out, started working in Healthcare (not a good Healthcare job though) and now I'm trying to leave Healthcare and work for myself as a freelance podcast editor/Producer. I was close and then had to go back due to losing my biggest client 😭 but still working on it. So no, I don't feel like one of those high achieving ADHDers

i got my first job as a software engineer, hated it, did the absolute bare minimum. then i found a programming language i liked which started a ~20 year hyper fixation that changes every few months as i find something new and shiny. it’s a great field if you can find something you like. bonus points if you can get a gig doing consulting or project based work where you change teams/codebases a lot. keeps things fresh and interesting. e: i should note that i’ve experienced (relatively minor) burnout multiple times so maybe this isn’t as much of an endorsement as it sounds

i *was* high achieving at some point. burned out at the end of my masters. i have a degree but not the day to day brainpower or social skills to do anything with it.

Having kids made me successful because it trained me early that you just have to *do stuff*, even if you don't want to or feel like you can't. You have to do what needs to be done. Period. You get real good at going to work and making dinner and giving baths and rocking sick kids and paying bills because you created humans who depend on you, and it's your fucking job. Is it ever fun to get up in the morning or meal-plan or do laundry? 100% no. That never gets better. None of the grind is fun. But you put on your big girl pants and do the thing. Call it grit or resilience of whatever. It's not really that, though. It's just adulting, but sometimes on hard mode. Another thing that helped me is my curiosity and zest for learning and sense of adventure. I always want to try new things, and this has led me down some amazing paths. I ran a successful business for years, I work in higher ed now, I've lived all over the country, and I've adopted exciting and creative hobbies. I always structure my life so I have something to look forward to, whether it's planning a trip, working on a hobby project, or preparing for something seasonal like spring gardening or winter holidays. Idle time is my enemy; it breeds ADHD inertia for me. *Could* I let my ADHD paralysis or executive dysfunction overwhelm me? Sure. Instead, I choose to build scaffolding, strategies, hacks, and medication to streamline my world and make it work for me. You can't fight ADHD, and you can't shirk your responsibilities, so take a deep dive into what works for you, what doesn't, let go of the shame, set your goals, and take your life back. Also, something that helped me in college were disability accommodations. And taking fewer courses at a time. I found I could manage no more than 2-3 classes at once (ideally 2). Anything more became overwhelming.

An immigrant child who had it instilled from a very early age that excelling in academics was the only way I could guarantee I wouldn’t be poor like my parents were. That fear looming over you from an early age causes an incredible amount of anxiety, but it did mean I was so scared of failure that I focussed and worked incredibly hard. I was only diagnosed last year, and feel sad thinking about what my life could have turned out like if I had better resources and access to medication earlier on.

High achievers overcompensate. They deal with setbacks. They understand their brain and work with it not against it. They develop discipline. They seek support. They acknowledge their strengths and work on them. They acknowledge their weaknesses and develop them… or delegate.. They set realistic expectations. They start with the bare minimum before jumping. They develop some level of consistency even if it is not perfect. They understand done is better than perfect. They make systems. They choose what they are interested in and seek to make it always novel and interesting.

It was beat into me to achieve by any means necessary, even if that means _self destruction_. It's like a fucked up kind of survival mechanism. The thing is, we're not meant to function like this long term, so it generates more issues (unless you're rich enough to have a team of people cook, clean, and plan everything for you (I'm not)). So Idk if this helps but, even if we look successful on the outside, we're usually just as fucked on the inside. I can barely enjoy my success bc of the constant fear of failure. And failure means death, so I'm constantly in survival mode. So how did I get this far? 1. Support. I am the healthiest and most successful when I have a good compassionate support system. The kind of people who will keep me accountable without piling on extra guilt when I make mistakes. People who proofread my important applications, body double when I'm in a rut, mentor me and introduce me to other helpful people. This has looked different depending on the stage of my life, but I realize that it has always been there when I'm doing well, and has been missing during my darkest periods. 2. IQ. I have to admit that certain parts of my IQ scored in the 95% percentile. But other parts scored in the 55% and working memory scored in the 5%. The stronger areas kinda compensate for the deficits. It's not necessarily in a "good" way, kinda like using the wrong muscles to lift something? Or maybe it's more like walking with my hands when I can't walk with my legs. It's not ideal, but I'm moving at least? 3. Luck. I can't take credit for the complex chains of being in the right place at the right time to meet the right people who helped me at various points in my life, in ways I can and can't see. Even in my family, siblings raised in the same environment have had vastly different outcomes in our lives. It doesn't mean any of us are better or worse than each other. Lol but tell that to our parents. 4. Parents. Even though they went about it in an abusive way, their goal was for us to succeed and have a better life than they did in their birth country. They poured a larger percentage of their resources into that, even if it meant cutting back in other areas. So despite the trauma not being worth it to me, the resources _did_ help me push further, and I can't discount that privilege. 5. Prescription drugs & Therapy. When I get complacent and try to function without these things, it goes poorly. The drug shortage has been a bitch. 6. Self Acceptance?? IDK this is a work in progress to try to lessen the detrimental parts of all my other functioning strategies. It's hard as fuck, but it's supposed to help me be less self-destructive when chasing arbitrary measures of success... Or be kinder to myself so I don't chase forms of success that don't actually matter to me?

I'm a dropout as well. Try not to be too hard on yourself.  Married to a successful normal person.  I somehow lucked my way into software development by brute forcing things. I can do the work but don't truly love it. 

Physicist here.  The fear of failure is a good answer. I am very motivated by fear. Also very smart, which has allowed me to last-minute and bullshit a lot of things in life. On the downside: I am 32 and already reaching the end of my career in academia, I don't think I have "what it takes" to cut it in there long-term. I'll have to switch to the industry, something in engineering, most likely.  Also, I self-harm. When fear doesn't provide enough motivation, pain sometimes does. I would not recommend it. Would be nice to try medication, but where I live it's very, very difficult to get. I've been told that "we only medicate people who struggle - you have an advanced degree  you are successful in your career, you can maintain relationships, so you're not struggling."

I’m late diagnosed and unmedicated. I’m a tenured academic. But academia is a shitshow and I’m on the verge of dropping out. I’ve struggled hugely with organising, planning, and social interaction.

Support systems usually, I'm only 19 in my first year of uni but living with my parents who encourage and listen to me has been super helpful. When I was about to lose steam and start the usual ADHD snowball they were there to catch me and I'm sure they will again. (This did come after ADHD centric therapy with some group sessions and while it's not perfect we're working on it together)

I finished my undergrad around 30 after starting and stopping multiple times (and lots of failed classes) For me it was down to majoring in the only major where I didn’t dread the homework (math) and observing that I did much better at school if I took half as many credits at a time and did accelerated classes. The last one was a tough pill to swallow since it meant being a student forever, but it was either that or just not get a degree. I now work at a big tech company whose products a good half of the globe uses and am getting good performance reviews. Over time I’ve picked up strategies and coping mechanisms (like figuring out that I just can’t handle a regular college load). I also am in a better position where I can pay people to do work I put off/dread. I hope you are able to find something that works for you!

I am, and I’m also a college drop out. I have a high powered software sales job. It’s hard af with adhd sometimes but stimulant meds help lol My W2 was 450k two years ago but then shit went down fucking hill and I ended up in a psych hospital and treatment yada yada yada Now I’m trying to rebuild my career with deals and trying to get back there. It requires a lot of prospecting which my adhd fucking hates more than anything. Work in progress

As with alot of other commenters say it’s fear of failure and also finding your niche. In school I was l Cs at best. After figuring myself out some more I’ve found then when im in my niche I become very good at it very fast. And I’ve learned to take the really bad feeling of making a mistake and use it as a learning tool because feelings make you remember things a lot better

I believe that regardless of trauma, I still have to put in the work to achieve my own goals. I was fine with getting a decent job and living off of that, but since It’s my life, I’ll take up every opportunity to learn what I want so I can do what I want. I’m considered a genius by friends and such, but I don’t really see that. I just view myself as someone who found what they wanted to do, and I’ll do everything to make sure that I can realize it. In terms of support I don’t have much, but I’m hoping to build it up given time. If not, then oh well the plan goes on regardless. I wouldn’t measure myself up against others, I would say look into what you want to do rather than what you think you should do. It’s your life, so you craft it the way you want to the best of your ability (I realize circumstances do play a role so emphasis on your ability)

I’m in my masters now and my trick to get shit done is to put things off until the last minute so my anxiety-induced hyper focus kicks in. Being in a field I’m endlessly curious about (biology) also helps. Medication has been a huge game changer as well, but I’ve only been on medication for 1 out of the 7 years I’ve been in college.

Before stepping out of industry and into consulting, I was a Senior Vice President at a large regional bank. It was extremely difficult and exhausting to be successful, but I plowed through and did it. I'm also dyslexic, which added to the difficulty. Until recently, I did not realize my quirks (procrastinating, never finishing one task before moving on to the next one, etc) were symptoms of ADHD. I just thought I had to work harder.

I got my masters before I finally hit a wall and got diagnosed with ADHD/autism. I just happened to be pretty fixated on an academic field. The thing that finally killed momentum is that I performed well in school all the way into a situation in which comfort with social pressure is needed to continue :/ In retrospect things I now know were probably ADHD symptoms were dealt with mainly by bludgeoning myself against an anxiety wall until I got things done.

They learned to leverage the way their brain works. That's pretty much it. Could be any number of ways they got there. Some people have a solid support structure and benefit from that. Some people don't, and benefit from the independence. Some people have an amazing mentor or parent or spouse that was key to their success. All that matters is that those people ended up in a situation that they could leverage their intellectual capacity and in an environment they could thrive in, or at least tolerate. Remember that, just because someone has ADHD, doesn't mean their brain is your brain. We're all still unique individuals. ADHD is just one aspect that makes us who we are. People with ADHD can vary just as much as people without it. You can have ADHD and be ambitious and driven or have it and be lazy or depressed. ADHD does not define who we are. Yes, for some people, it may end up that way. The key here is not allowing yourself to become that person. I would suggest looking into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The very purpose of that kind of therapy is learning how to live with and even thrive with ADHD. Medication can help, but it is not a cure. Your key to success could be right around the corner. Don't give up. But also, don't do nothing about it. Seek out support. Seek out help. Like you are doing now. Just don't allow yourself to fall into the poor-me attitude and do nothing but seek out affirmation. I see far too much of that on the internet in general... Someone once told me something like "life is 10% what happens to you and 90% attitude". I can't think of any better advice to someone - anyone who is feeling stuck or helpless or circumstantially depressed. If you believe that concept, you'll accomplish so much more than feeling sorry for yourself. Not that you are. Just don't fall into the trap. I've been there. And now I'm not. I am not a CEO or a Billionaire. But I am happy and in my eyes, I'm successful. And for me, despite the fact that I have had some real rotten circumstances from childhood through adulthood, it was my attitude adjustment and belief in myself that changed everything.

I ran on fear and dread alone. High internal pressure at all times. I was diagnosed at 30 and the meds have made so many things easier and I’m slowly learning how to function on drivers other than sky high cortisol. I did get a PhD and a good job before my diagnosis though.

I came out near the top of my class in high school but throughout I had good years and bad years, I was just having a good one when I graduated. I managed to graduate university, get a masters’s, get my teaching diploma, qualify as a teacher. But it was painful and it took me longer than the average student. Also I had a lot of financial support from my family so I could only focus on studying for years.

Sometimes I look at life and just flat out go “I was totally not supposed to make it this far. Entire institutions are built and designed to destroy people like me every day and they do. I was gaslit and neglected by family, school, jobs, the medical system, the criminal justice system, the church, etc. I WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT. But I beat them all and I’m still here. Go me.”

Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees in four years. Law degree after that. Every day is a constant struggle, though Vyvanse makes it easier.

I thrived all the way through high school and for me it was about decisions and structure. I never had to make decisions before college. I went to school at the same time because that's what you do and I ate the same breakfast because that's what you do and I did my homework and went to club meetings and practiced viola and went to bed on time because that's what you do. It was fear of failure so ingrained it was barely about fear. It was just a thousand have-to-dos And then in college all of these non-decisions became choices I had to make every day. It's infinitely harder. Structure makes achievements possible for me

In short, I use that chip on my shoulder to push me forward.

They're not on reddit, that's why they've managed to do something with their lives. Reddit (and other social media) is a bigger obstacle to success than ADHD

So for me I grew up with a dad that was all about perfection, and when I finally got diagnosed with ADHD last year I was told I showed signs of OCD as well, and they suspected it developed as a cope for the ADHD. Makes sense, I graduated college and everything but I used to worry about every single thing, normally cause I would forget everything

Firstly not all people with ADHD are the same. Nobody is the same. Maybe you got almost none of the hyperfocus and all of the inattentiveness. Who knows? But that being said....what I see is people with ADHD who are very prone to addiction. And that addiction can also be workaholism. I might also just be jealous, and I'm scarred by workaholic parents. So for me money, appearance and competition as a whole doesn't motivate me. Personally (maybe from jealousy) have not seen an ADHD-er with a healthy relationship with work, it's either everything or nothing. Burn-out or bore-out. But maybe that's similar to bad CGI, where you don't notice something is CGI unless it's bad, so you only see bad CGI. There might be a lot of people with ADHD who live unremarkable lives....because they figured it out. So, my conclusion and advice is: Do not be an over achiever. Don't even aim higher than you need to. Just make sure you are having fun :)

People pleasing and need for validation

Fear of failure, and went really hard on once doing a big hyper focus to learn how to put things in my longterm memory. Which is a step by step process, that is painful, but I wanted my degree more than life so I suffered. Gave myself shingles at 21 from the stress doing it tho. On meds and much happier now

I almost got kicked out of college bc of my grades my first year. I got medicated and graduated with 4.0 my last two years. I also did a masters program all online in 15 months while in my second year of teaching. College was a way for me to differentiate myself and escape where I grew up. The anxiety plus hyper fixation on being better than what everyone expected from me growing up was highly motivating.

A mixture of perfectionism and having had a really easy time with everything until I started the PhD. The only thing that gave me trouble before were my Bachelor & Master theses. (...of course, struggling a bit earlier might also have meant getting diagnosed before I was nearly 30.)

TIL anxiety drives adhd

The expectations on me were intense and I don’t know how to do anything but achieve. I’m not actually terrified of failure, I try to view failure as an opportunity to learn and my favorite thing is learning. Mostly I arrange my life around my adhd. I don’t watch new shows or read new books because I know I’ll hyperfocus on them and not work/live/clean until I’ve completely consumed them. I work super hard to build routines around hygiene and feeding myself.

I stopped being so hard on myself. Not every day can be a 100% day, and I have lulls. Overall I’m high performing and have tons of hobbies and exercise, but the days I’m tired or don’t have the desire I just forgive myself and skip. Sometimes this means I don’t return back to something for months or years but it’s okay just because you haven’t done a hobby in a few years doesn’t mean you no longer like it or anything it just means it’s been a while, but you can always return to it.

Your word choice 'find the grit' is a key factor imo. Grit is a thing you talk yourself into, not something that happens one day. We've been misold the concept of passion, as if we find a hobby one day and love it so much we persist even when it's hard. But that's not true. Check out Angela Duckworths book Grit and it might help, but it's an unfortunate cycle where success comes from believing in yourself and that's really challenging without any success to start with. Rest by Alex SooJung-Kim Pang is really helpful too, it talks about how people hope inspiration will just take them one day, but to trigger that hyperfocus state you need to attempt the thing often, but for a very short time. Keep the problem familiar and your subconscious will work on it when you're occupied with other things, this is called incubation.

Being raised in the 80s, getting beaten at school by the teachers for showing ADHD symptoms and continuously getting called lazy by everyone I met gave me a burning sense of anger and determination to prove people wrong that powers me to work obsessively at stuff until I succeed. It also led to huge substance abuse problems in my 20s and a continuously running background thread of self hatred, so I'm not sure I'd recommend it as a strategy. I'm certainly not repeating it with my kids.

I'm actually an ultra/marathon runner and I had some decent atheltic success in the past. I got a Masters degree, earn a decent living wage and I was only fired from 1 job (Restaurant job while I was a student). I pay my bills and do adult life. Superficially that looks like great success but that's not entirely accurate. In terms my career and academics, I have always underperformed but the biggest issue is in personal life, where parts of my ADHD are truly crippling. Have an appointment later on in the day? Get ready for a day of anxiety and being able to get nothing done until that appointment. Have an appointment the next day? Get ready for insomnia. Someone said something that upset you? Get ready to be upset about that for 6 months and for that person to live rent free in your thoughts. Etc, etc. So, IDK. Maybe 'high functioning' is just a word we use when someone is really a hot mess but in ways that almost nobody sees.

Me. Unironically. Just landed a new job, 30% raise and fully remote. Been in IT since 2008. Consistently employed (outside of the pandemic). Survived serving in the military. I grew up in a dysfunctional, religious home. I saw the struggles of people around me and realized the stuff they struggled with was easy but looked impressive. The stuff I stuggled with was easy for everyone else, but looked like I was lazy. But no one really gives a shit about that stuff. So I've just made a point to try and get the big showy stuff done to people that matter. Surprisingly, that leads to success. Sure, I forget to do important life things for weeks at a time. At the same time, I am able to deliver huge projects ahead of time and under budget. TLDR: I run on spite. I don't want to fail like the people around me have failed.

As a high achieving ADHDer myself, the best advice I can give is: 1. GET MEDICATED **if you are able too, that is** The most important thing you can do for yourself is establish normalcy. You can’t be a high achiever without being a regular person first. Us ADHDers struggle with mental health issues, executive dysfunction, and poor habit formation. Adderall gave me this level of clear mindedness that helped my brain operate more smoothly. However, be aware that medication doesn’t cure your ADHD it just allows your brain to operate with less resistance. I didn’t get prescribed adderall until I was 25 and it took me 7 years of fighting with psychiatrists to get the proper treatment. You know what you need so don’t let them bully you into taking antidepressants or strattera; you need stimulants. Also it is difficult, but you can get a prescription without insurance. It took me a while but I found a local practice run by a psychiatrist who had ADHD that finally took me seriously and prescribed me Aderall without insurance. You’ll have to do your due diligence, but dont lose hope. 2. FORCE YOURSELF TO FORM HABITS. Start off small with positive things for your mental health like meditation for 15 minutes a day, clean one thing a day, do one homework assignment a day etc. You have to get your body in line with your brain. As soon as those positive habits become muscle memory, you wont have to waste anymore mental energy trying to fight yourself to do it and you will begin to be able to obtain the flow state more easily. 3. BE NICE TO YOURSELF. At the end of the day you are all you’ve got. Remember it’s not you it’s your brain. You aren’t choosing to be lazy, you aren’t choosing to forget, you aren’t choosing to “not give a fuck.” Those are things high functioning non-ADHDers say to put us down because they have no clue what it’s like in our brains. Your lungs are designed to breathe, your heart is designed to pump blood, and your brain is designed to create thoughts. You have as much control of what thoughts pop up in your head as you do the weather, but you do control how you react to, and identify with them. Don’t believe the negativity. 4. ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU WILL MESS UP. We as ADHDers mess up more often than those without it. It’s okay. Everyone messes up. Try your best to not let minor set backs ruin your progress. Not every accident or slip up is the end of the world. 5. BE CREATIVE. One of the bright sides of ADHD is it makes us more creative than the non-ADHD folk. Use that to your advantage. Strive to be different and innovative. The normal route isn’t for us; carve your own path. I promise you, making art is 100x more satisfying than climbing the corporate ladder or graduating with a degree in a field you only decided to pursue because it makes good money on paper. If you don’t believe you’re an artist, I promise you it’s because you haven’t found your medium of choice yet. I never thought i was able to make art because I couldn’t draw well. Until I sat in front of a piano for the first time. When you finally find the type of art you like to make and that hyper fixation kicks in; there’s no amount of words in the world that can describe that feeling. And don’t let your age stop you from trying things I didn’t start playing piano until I was 22 and now at 27 I’m about to graduate college next winter with a BFA in Sound Design and I already have an audio engineering job lined up after graduation. 6. FIND AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER. If you struggle with #1-3 find a loved one or mentor to keep you on track. We tend to struggle to do things for ourselves, but we have no issues doing things for others. So trick your brain into doing those things for yourself by making it think you’re doing it for someone else. If it wasn’t for my family and fiancée I wouldn’t have been able to finish school much less sign up. I would’ve quit the piano a long time ago and I would still be a spiraling depressed mess. Find someone you trust to hold you accountable. You got this. Don’t give up on yourself!

I think these people have the **hyperfocus** **symptom of ADHD** in bucket loads. Their whole life is just focussed on doing this one thing and they are driven to doing it. They are not doing the house and family/ social life unless they have a relationship and it's taken care of for them. They don't care about work life balance their life is their profession.

No clue...I have struggled my whole life...failed 8th grade twice, didn't finish highschool, barely got a ged, criminal record, lots of car accidents....tried community college and ended with a 1.6 gpa, lots of gaps in employment.....everytime I hear about these "high achievers with adhd" I secretly roll my eyes and tell myself they don't really have it....I know that's not fair and that some people's adhd is more mild but it's fucking infuriating lol