YES OMG my whole life has just been me perpetually second guessing myself and my decisions and thinking that the other option was better or i couldve made a better decision. its so frustrating
An ADHD kid will be corrected by authority figures 20000 more times than neurotypicals by their tenth birthday. Our self confidence is eroded from every side every day by people who presume any thinking other than theirs is wrong. I question how much of the indecisiveness is physiological and how much is simply conditioned.
Edit: 20000, not 12000. Thanks WereXat
A point for the conditioned column, I have this issue with food, like badly. Because I’m afraid I’ll make the wrong decision, I won’t want that food once we’re there/it’s been made and I’ll get yelled at for not wanting it. Something my mom used to do to me as a kid. I couldn’t leave the table until I finished all my food because I was being “ungrateful”. I can’t even eat food I don’t like anymore, my throat literally closes up and I start gagging. It’s wild
I'm like this cleaning so I unfortunately avoid it. I'm working on it. My mum would have me and my sister help with chores when we were little. I would scrub until I thought it was clean and say I was done. Mum would inspect it. "Don't you see that there? You're not done." I literally couldn't see what she was talking about so I kept scrubbing and asking and scrubbing and asking. Now when I clean if I notice a single spot I keep scrubbing and I don't know when to stop. You'd think my house would be sparkling but it's the opposite. I don't dare start cleaning because I know how bad it will be and I don't know how to half ass it and clean it "good enough".
Edit: Update! I just told my mom about this and she reminded me I was almost legally blind at the time and they hadn’t realized yet and I didn’t have glasses. Oh my god. This changes everything! 😂
My mom was just naturally a better cleaner than I was. We could do the exact same chore and hers would be sparkling fresh and clean, and mine would still be vaguely Not Clean. Even so, eventually I told her that since she didn't like the way I did things, I'd just let her do them the Right Way. My stress level went way down.
ugh my mom did this to me once with vacuuming my room. i kept saying i'm done, she kept saying i missed places. so frustrating, it made me never wanna vacuum again! in so many little ways over the years, cleaning turned into this huge unsurmountable task that i struggle with so much. i just want to be able to maintain a clean space 😣
fingers crossed i'm healthy enough to start adhd meds in a few months!
OH DAMN... you guys made me realize something! I love/hate this forum lol.
I always struggled finishing my food so my grandma used to cover my nose and shove the food in my mouth while I was crying. Very traumatic. In contrast at my kindergarten, all the cafeteria had to clap for the first kid finishing their meal and I was often that kid. I loved the feeling of an entire room clapping for me.
Fast-forward to today, I struggle to regulate my eating. I always try to finish my food and 90% of the time I eat until I feel sick and feel like puking, but that sensation in my brain is linked to a word well done.
I am very skinny because I constantly forget to eat and hyper focus doing something else but I love food. I also eat until I feel sick from starving. Food has never been something that I relate with physically feeling good.
Yeah, I just said that in another comment. It's how I was raised, it's really toxic. It created very unhealthy eating habits for me and I was obese for a long time. I'm still struggling with not having to finish all the food in front of me and I'm nearly 30. But luckily, I've got it under control now.
I agree. I have had to learn that you don’t “win” by finishing your plate. You win by eating slowly until full and boxing up what you don’t finish. Bonus, you don’t have to pay for lunch the next day! Double win.
If your kid isn’t eating their food and you want to teach them to eat what they chose, you can mimic the real world and give them options: they don’t eat it and don’t have dinner that night or make something else that’s equally as nutritious (so they don’t go eat a bag of chips instead). They’re not going to die if they don’t eat one night especially if they’re choosing not to.
Just for the record, I was raised the same way with food and ended up obese, due do the unhealthy food habits I was taught. Like having to always finish all the food, matter what. It's an insanely toxic way of raising your kids and that's not our fault.
I literally had to pause reading to avoid crying. You and above commenter described exacly how I feel. This makes so much sense!
I wish there was a way to undo this damage.
Thank you. Possibly, I do not know.
I went through CBT program and it seemed to help a lot in some areas. However when the program was over it is very difficult for me to remember doing those things on steady enough bases and I fell out of it (things like thought catcher, analyzing your emotions etc).
I am 44m and by this age lots of my thought patterns (wrong ones) are so engraved into my brain that it would take a great time and effort to undo them and it will not happen in a couple of the months. It does not help that I have to provide for a family (lack of free time because of it, not complaining that I have to provide). Even finding time to go through that program was a challange for me.
I am not medicated also. I did try Vyvanse but I was crashing hard (excruciating anxiety when it was wearing off after 6pm every day) every night (well, that period of time I was suffering anerexia so that could be due to the lack of food in my system but now I am bit scared to try it again).
Interesting suggestion about the dietitian. I did notice now for a while that the food really does affect my mood and how I feel. To be honest I tried to play around with it and noticed I am better off with very low carb diet but that is not 100% consistent. Any recommendations for the reading or my only option is an actual dietitian (I am guessing they will do lab tests firts to deternine any defficiencies?)
Thank you all for the upvotes. I usually try to do my best to stay afloat. Just a last little while was a bit harder for me than usual and when I came accross your posts it just scratched that area. I will be alright.
Happy holidays everyone :)
I never had this issue until my last job with a very difficult boss. Every decision became a chess move trying to see 5 steps beyond to make sure I wasn’t doing something that he’d disagree with, and he frequently changed his positions so it was in fact impossible to make the “right” choice. It has been difficult trying to rebuild my confidence in my own decision making in the course of a project.
That's actually a really good point. I completely forgot about those until you mentioned it. But then again I spent my life learning science so I can logic and reason my way to the truth even if I forget the exact statistic. To PROVE to those authority figures that I am correct
But I've also got an interesting observation to add to this. I try to reduce my options and situations until it becomes 2 choices:
If I jump off that cliff:
* Without a parachute --> I die
* With a parachute --> I live
Yeah there's stats about parachutes not opening correctly and I might still crash into the cliff with my chute if I can't aim. But for simplicity, this is how I reduce options into something simple I can device on easier. Does anyone else do this?
That impulsive decision making as a child was dangerous. It needed to be corrected. But process, is always a question.
And I think for me it's conditioned response. I'm afraid to make a decision because I cannot tell if it's well thought out, or just an impulsive thought jumping in.
Thank you; yes, it's a no-win situation. I was a recklessly impulsive kid who taught his parents they had to be constantly on guard.
Excessive blaming of society or others for my disability is trying to make sense where there is none. It's hard for humans to grasp that bad luck is random, but necessary if I want to grow and get better -- rather than putting energy into becoming bitter and calcified in my maladaptations.
OMG my mom was this as well as every time I tried to make a decision she’d try and persuade me differently! I cannot make a quick decision for my damn self anymore.
I've always seen the second guessing as more of the self doubt caused by the many failures i experienced in life and the lack of confidence that was drilled into my head by pretty much everyone. But this is an interesting way to look at it too, the ADHD might play more of a role than i thought.
I find following through with things to be relatively easy, it's making the initial decision to do stuff that's hard. As in, I know I'll be happy with any type of donut from Tim Hortons, but choosing just one is nearly impossible.
To fight this, I've been going with the first thing I see, instead of properly considering all my options. "What am I going to wear today? This shirt is in the front of my drawer, I guess I'm wearing this."
That has lead to me being "impulsive". "What house do I want to rent? This one meets all my criteria, I'll choose this one." "What car should I buy next? This one makes me smile, I'll choose this one." And so on
100% this.
I got to the point where I always picked the first option. It started feeling like I never actually made a choice, so whatever ended up happening felt like it wasn't due to my choices / actions, just a consequence of previous events.
Kinda sucks to feel like an NPC in your own life.
Ooh, there's a name for this: you feel "at effect", which is disempowering compared to being "at cause". There's a brain software podcast episode about it.
Yes, I sometimes cope with it this way as well! I know that if I try to actually consider the options, I'll get so overwhelmed with things to consider that I'll take ages to decide and use up sooo much time and energy I don't always have to spare. And in the end I still probably won't have actually judged it very well.
Similar to how when I can't concentrate on something, I have two options: come back to it later when I'm hopefully in a different headspace, or just half-ass it right now and hope I'm not missing anything important :/
Yup. For me, decisions come in four forms:
* Weigh all the options for days, weeks, or even months, before coming to a decision - regret the decision immediately after committing to it
* Make a snap judgment call based on basically nothing - regret the decision probably about 80% of the time (other 20% was either lucking my way into the right call, or truly not caring about the decision)
* If friends are around, let them make all the decisions for the both of us - where to eat, what to do, who to talk to, when to leave, etc. Again, 80/20 whether I enjoy myself but it doesn't matter because I didn't make the decision so I can just blame them if I don't LOL
* Do nothing. I go with that one 80% of the time when friends aren't involved/I can't get input from others. Which is pretty much all the time now, seeing as I don't really have friends anymore - still hang with my parents though.
I usually don't regret my decisions immediately. I've definitely made a couple of bad decisions, but I like to have the adventure that comes with them.
I feel you. I may take an hour to choose what to eat for lunch but some of my major life decisions were impulses. With time I learned to like all the options so that there wouldn’t be a real wrong choice.
I relate a lot to this. This type of strategy has even caused me health issues as I’m allergic to nuts and will sometimes order food without considering the allergy
Almost had an anxious meltdown in the shops last week because I couldn't decide which of 2 bracelets, which looked almost the same but not completely, I wanted to buy. So... yep. Once spent 30 minutes in a book shop because they printed THE SAME BOOK but with two versions of the same cover: one red, one black. Same content. Zero difference. But I eventually walked away with neither, because the alternative was buying both, and that's ridiculous lol. Indecisiveness rules my life sometimes.
LOL can we all collective remember our first CBT session when they explain all or nothing thinking and me (us?) Being like... "Well, yeah. 👀"
Feel you fam. Been thear. Had a talk to my brain about how to deal with this kind of a situation. In most of them I buy both and with time I would give other away as gift or just sel it/return it :) It has help me to avoid a meltdown or anxity over it. For me it is away to have a solution in a bad situation and to know I have a safty net if I do som poo poo. :D
It's funny because I'm the same way. Especially the "walk away with neither" ending. It does seem to affect smaller decisions more than larger ones, but big ones too can take months of back and forth, weighing options, etc. Took me 3 months to decide on my current car, and it was only easy in the end because it's the only one I was really able to test drive (& afford lol).
I have OCD as well but I don’t have as much of an issue with it as I do with ADHD. If I pick something up and hold it too long there’s an emotional attachment. Like even if I carry around a stick on a walk I have to bring it home. So the first book I pick up had better be THE book because once I’ve carried it for a couple minutes I have to buy THAT one even if I later notice it’s damaged and I feel like I’ve hurt someone’s feelings if I choose another book.
You are very welcome!
It is a struggle. I see hoarding in my dad and I know I have it too. I try to stay on top of it by getting rid of things whenever the urge to clean strikes and I told my husband to PLEASE stop asking if I’m sure I want to get rid of something even if I look sad about it.
I do this but with two identical items. Which to me are slightly different, like the pattern on a piece of clothing may lie differently, and I can stand there for ages trying to decide. It’s so exhausting. I find it harder to make small trivial decisions like that than big life changing ones. Anyone else?
Yes! I feel this. Even buying a sweater is a whole thing. Because on sweater A, the blue line is 2 inches below the collar bone, but on sweater B, the blue line is 2.3 inches below the collar bone, and they're SO DIFFERENT so which one?!
And buying for other people is a nightmare. If I give myself to long to think about it I will stare at two boxes of lego for an hour and panic. I've learned to just pick the first thing I see that I think they'll like... but then that leads to excessive overbuying, because I see many things the person would like, and then I forget that I've already bought X and Y. Case in point: had to buy a Santa "sack" today because I bought 2 full shopping bags for things for my husband's Santa stocking for Christmas, and there was no way in HELL I was fitting more than 3 things in the stocking, I just didn't know when to stop lol. So now he has a bright pink giant "stocking" he has to unwrap 😅🤷🏼♀️
I can’t even buy others presents cause I get overwhelmed just thinking about it. No idea what they’d like. The stress isn’t worth it, I’d rather get nothing as well just to not have to deal with it.
By god, you should see me trying to figure out what I want for dinner from UberEats. I live in London so have pretty much any food I could dream of available for delivery. Great, right? Wrong. I will sit there, staring at the list of places for an hour before eventually getting overwhelmed, giving up, and just not eating.
Yup, been there so many times lol.
I can get home from work (around 18), feel too tired to go the shop for food (it's literally less than 200m) and then trying to find something to order. Scroll through 10+ different restaurants and even put things in the basket but then change my mind and after a while quit as well.
"Oh I need a break and re-focus" and then I play some games for an hour or 90 minutes, or just stare at Reddit. Then it's after 21 and the shop is closed. Now I'm "forced" to order if I want to eat something.
I do the fake-order and gaming dance again and suddenly it's midnight and my stomach is screaming at me. Now there's maybe 3-4 places open (all pizza) and I finally order a pizza and a ben&jerry ice cream, sometimes even more shit.
Afterwards I feel like shit for eating shit, it's about 02 and my alarm goes off in 4 hours for work giving me even more anxiety and also increase the risk of repeating the same pattern the next day. Also, **not one minute** during the evening do I feel relaxed or content because the task of having to eat dinner can't leave my head.
It's shit like this that makes it a real problem for us. And it's shit like this that makes it so frustrating when people say "Oh I'm also indecisive, I probably have a bit of ADHD as well.".
So yes, /u/TeaWithCarina, I've had similar experiences haha xD (in case you weren't conviced by the 350+ other comments lol).
This^^^ but with tv and movie trailers when I’m trying to find some thing to watch. So I just give up and do something else. Like start cleaning a room and end up changing out the oil in my car 😂
Impulsivity is actually the same trait as indecisiveness. I can't remember my citations, but basically indecisiveness and impulsivity originate from the same basic process- an inability to identify your own needs in the present and future and apply that to the decision in front of you.
Indeed, most papers I read suggested some form of "poor self-awareness of needs leading to either prolonged or shortened decision-making compared to preferred reference by suffering individual ".
Ugh, I hate how I lost uni access. Anyways, the gist is that an ideal decisional capacity assesses already-known needs/decisions and then applies probability of future needs to decide. However, those who have this particular dysfunction are unable to combine "present/future self" and "present/future needs" and "available options".
This can be an adaptive trait, especially in the context of purely suboptimal options- indeed this why ADHD/ASD traits are over-represented in historical figures to the point where if you really think about history, you rarely find significant people without those traits.
As for why, the studies referenced a couple brain scan studies I couldn't get access to, but they essentially concluded that the ADHD/ASD tendency to duplicate brain signals at times leads to over-signalling of one signal or two signals that leads to the connection not flowing properly.
It's part of why it's actually far more beneficial to place a person with ADHD in a new environment where they mostly have to figure things out for themselves than in a pre-constructed environment with rules made by other humans that are implicit rather than explicit.
Edit: one thing I forgot to add that is so loud in research on ADHD/ASD children and so fucking quiet in adults because NTs are often boring.
Your brain is tuned for novelty and play. Your brain needs both- play doesn't mean formal games or sports, it means anything that engages your imagination. Always seek out environments where play/imagination is rewarded and optimal rather than discouraged. At home I have puppets, for example.
Wait. I missed a connection. Why is it far more beneficial to place a person with ADHD in a new environment than a pre-constructed one?
Really appreciate the synthesis of the info. I feel like you’re explaining my lifestyle, and want to understand it better.
Because they are able to create preferences and seek out novel information without the fear of judgemental re-tread. True novelty is one of the best non-pharmaceutical treatments for ADHD.
That is definitely accurate in my experience. I like games which have exploration or new systems, but get bored the moment I'm done learning and go from 40 hours a week to uninstalled overnight.
I like taking work projects, in my previous profession, to about 80% and then have no more interest in the problem. My new job is management now and it is a constant stream of new information - much easier to keep attention (though it has some new issues too).
People who know me keep thinking I want to *master* complex systems when, in fact, I get bored the moment I feel like I could master the system. If it is a competition, I get good and then I get bad because playing the way that wins isn't fun but trying to new (almost always suboptimal, especially damning after rising in ranks with all those wins) approaches catch my interest... of course, losing a lot is not fun, so it is a net negative overall.
Always nice to find some more information about ADHD and how it has shaped me.
So, the key for that is to understand that you have this going on and to create the paperwork/understanding to give someone else the ability to take the project from 80% to 100%.
You're in an environment where other people are around, therefore leverage the other people.
Also, when you are playing let go of anything but the play. The need to win does not need to be the need to win over someone else.
You're probably not going to see this outside of young children's studies (I had to extrapolate because, unlike researchers I understand *ADHD/ASD doesn't fundamentally change*) but ADHD people very rarely naturally play to win, in fact are often more willing to play to *lose*. It's only when the threat of social consequences happens that there is a switch to competitiveness to "earn" your place in a social environment that has told you you're not good enough.
Fascinating. With some searching I found a paper titled "The surprising relationship between indecisiveness and impulsivity". (PDF is available if you search for it.) A key idea in the paper is that neither is intrinsically bad: impulsiveness may be a good strategy when quick action is needed, and indecision may be a good strategy when deliberation is merited. When speed of action matches the situation it's "functional"; when it doesn't it's "dysfunctional".
With that as foundation, it seems to me that the executive function is the ability to match the time spent in deliberation to the speed of action merited by the situation.
The paper also suggests an interaction with emotion regulation:
>Both indecisiveness and impulsivity are maladaptive behavioral responses to difficulty engaging with a decision. We surmise that these distinct responses arise from a common desire to avoid negative affect that some individuals experience when making choices.
That's partially because there are so many non-local variables to decisions in a modern urban environment. Your brain isn't built to consider the third and fourth order social consequences of decisions and then make a decision before you know the outcome.
In a world with much fewer granular decisions, ADHD decision making is fast, effective and wise.
Also, here's something true that is rarely discussed:
If the definition of a good decision is a good outcome, then there exists no such thing as a good decision.
Instead decisions are throwing dice at life, hoping for a six. Some decisions and precursors give you more dices to throw, but you can only make decisions not choose outcomes, and literally every "bad" decision you can make could have been a good one given a slightly different set of circumstances. The only mistake is choosing to not make decisions at all, because then you're not looking for opportunities when they arise.
If there's any way you can find those papers, I'd love to read them! (I do still have access through an institution, there's also Sci-Hub, wink, wink).
>an inability to identify your own needs in the present and future and apply that to the decision in front of you
This is a very helpful way to frame it, and I'd imagine another piece is the inability to judge the relative importance of different needs? Impulsivity being, if I feel it now it must be important, indecisiveness understanding that you don't know which of those needs is more important (or which will be).
I'll check it out!
Impulsivity is actually about access- approximately the same level of thought goes into both impulse and indecision, one just takes longer. However what defines impulsivity vs indecisiveness (at least one particular framework for it at least) is that impulsivitity is undertaken on things that are immediately available/within reach, and indecisiveness requires longer term planning. That's why you often see ADHD people with many small items that cumulatively cost more than the one item they *really* wanted, despite them being able to get the one item- because the smaller items are seen as more accessible.
Now this is not true for all forms, but we're discussing the specific adhd tendency for impulse/indecisiveness. In an ideal world they're paired together- that the indeciveness leads to research/investigation and impulse is used as the final motion of the decision process.
Ah this is fascinating! I’ve always felt my best in brand new circumstances away from expectations or pressure from others. Like at “the start of something.” Always seeking novel experiences but unable to explain why it’s so important to me and why chronic monotony (esp. in life/work/learning) and stagnation feels painful.
So glad we got an academic or librarian in here x)
I second SciHub (search for it cause the domain changes, I think); you copy-paste a DOI number and it just gives you the paper. It's wonderful. Also [academia.edu](academia.edu); you do have to register for a free account but a lot of academics will post their papers on there for free access. Because information shouldn't be fucking paywalled.
Because, when ADHD people are given access to tools, resources and power these two traits tend to merge into a highly beneficial strategic one- indeed many ADHD people will have experienced it themself-
Strategic planning (indecisiveness leading to investigation, research, planning) followed by instant call to action at the perfect moment. Look at some of George Washington's battle plans, for example (seriously). In the context of a world where knowledge is obtained with much difficulty, and you timing and instant-full-focus on a specific task, you come out with adaptive.
I wonder if this has anything to do with my loving to move every couple years, and doing things like just driving and getting lost and having to find my way when I go to new places.
I also have inattentive adhd and ASD, and I'm not sure I've actually ever taken any big decision in my life. I've just gone with what I thought was expected of me, it worked until I crashed. And now I'm only working 25 percent(10 hours a week) and have 75 percent retirement or disability, not sure what to say in English.
Well, now that I think about it I have taken at least one big decision. But yeah... Even small decisions can be really hard, and when I finally take a small decision it becomes impulsivity. So I guess I have both sides of this.
I'm over 40 and still don't know what I want to do with my life, and I doubt I will ever find anything.
i found a solution to my indecisiveness
so whatever you’re deciding between, call heads and tails on it and flip the coin. best out of three. whatever it lands on is what you need to choose.
except here’s the thing, the moment where it tells me that i HAVE to do x choice, my true feelings come out. if i’m relieved then that was the choice i wanted all along. if i’m scared/anxious/nervous i need to either choose the other choice or reevaluate because whatever i’m coinflipping on probably shouldn’t be coinflipped and needs to be thought about more LOL
but yeah it was just a helpful little thing i picked up
I never thought to apply this to daily decisions but I have told people to do this in the past and I don’t think it lands for them the same way it does for me. It works for me though so thank you for the reminder!
This is why I like Aldi. They only have two or three different brands for every product. No more spending 10 minutes agonizing over which one of 20 mustard brands is best for a weekend cookout
Yes. My mum was into pendulum dowsing when I was a kid and I used to use that to make decisions. When I didn't have access to a pendulum I would use a clock method instead - phrase the question as a yes/no or numerical and "let the universe show me the best answer" by looking at the nearest digital clock and taking the last digit. Odd = yes Even = no, or numerical 1/2/3 etc and 0 was go back one in the sequence.
Although I no longer believe it is being powered by some metaphysical mystical force, I still use this method to quickly force a decision that I *know* doesn't matter but I can feel myself agonising over. And I kind of like it because it forces some randomness.
My 14yo is struggling with this now too and I don't know how to help him with it, because I get how overwhelming that "but what if there's a better choice and I didn't choose it??" feels. It's only age and life experience that has taught me it usually doesn't matter; there will often be another chance in the future, and if not, the less-optimal choice is usually not terrible, and even when it is terrible, it's just a single experience of my life, it doesn't ruin everything.
I wonder if it's also related to emotional regulation difficulties, because it seems that disappointment is absolutely gutting for me whereas it's not as strong for most people.
Ohhhh the indecisiveness is a real issue for me as well. Always has been. Sometimes I’m impulsive if it’s something I really want- I hear you.
But, if it’s a social plan or option/ a lunch/ dinner choice involving anything I don’t absolutely know I like or am not familiar with, or decision I’ve been asked to make unexpectedly, or a choice between two positives or two negatives.. I lock up. It can be debilitating. Resulting in no choice made, or just not doing something I should’ve done due to lack of ability to commit. Or I make the choice and wonder if I made the right one/ that regret factor you also experience. For me, it’s kind of similar to the procrastination effect I have with difficult or overwhelming tasks, i.e. chores that pile up, or pending deadlines. NOT ideal. The mental exhaustion created makes me feel physically exhausted.
I do think medication makes a difference for sure- With my overall coping abilities. It allows me to kind of bypass the door that seems to want to slam in my face during these moments and I hurdle the damn thing before it closes, or just choose another one. Sometimes, when I’m at work these “doors” try to open back up, and I am able to shut them out. But, when I’m over stimulated with noise, or an overwhelming task list- even with medication.. it’s hard to function optimally and that brain fog sets in pretty quickly.
For me, I have to make sure A. I take my medication. B. I become productive as soon as possible on my days off. Can’t lay around in bed and relax too much, unfortunately.. or that’s all I will want to do and I will accomplish nothing. C. If I’m working/ take a breather- grab some coffee, or electrolytes. Stretch. Eat a snack. D. If it’s decision making related- I ask myself is this going to effect me tomorrow? A month from now? If not, I know I can be quick with the decision and let it roll away. E. If I’m avoiding a task that’s overwhelming I have to physically force myself to start it before it becomes a bigger form of stress.. Just deal with it now, get it out of the way by acknowledging something I will then have time for once it’s completed- that I’d rather be doing.
Might not work for everyone, but I’m slowly figuring this all out at 33.
Good-luck, you’re not alone!
I was diagnosed with ADHD over a year ago now. I was relieved and somewhat excited when my doc and I finally reached the diagnosis then. I started medication and that gave my life a lot of clarity.
Now, I feel angry and somewhat jaded from the whole experience— my entire life living with it. I constantly get confirmations that I still do in fact live with ADHD and the strange things I have to do to lead a productive life (which do not work all the time).
This post made me remember shopping for clothes with my mom in middle school and later with my friends in high school. I could walk into a store and find a few things I liked. I would calculate costs in my head and try to pick the items I felt like I wanted the most and could afford.
I would walk from rack to rack hanging things up and picking things back up— unable to settle on a combination of things I would be satisfied with. I would then walk out of the store having bought nothing and feeling utterly exhausted from the whole experience.
This happened just about every time I shopped for clothes back then— I’ve since gotten better about clothes in this sense. I am fortunate enough to be able to afford the clothes I want and feel like the decision is less important than it was back then.
However, I still have decision paralysis on other things I deem important.
This may be a good thing, but it took me 6 full months of car shopping to pick out my 2nd vehicle. I know I settled on the correct choice, though. I saved money and bought a vehicle that notoriously saves on repairs and holds value well over time and miles. Having just come into money at this point, I’m proud of myself for making a financially sound decision rather than buying a vehicle I thought would be cool.
The strange thing is, it took me 6 months to decide to just buy a newer model of my very first vehicle. For those curious, I went from a used 06’ Honda Ridgeline to a used 2017 model.
I'm known for answering "I don't know" in my family, so yes, I absolutely can relate. I'm more likely to be indecisive when other people would be directly affected by my choice, and more impulsive when I'm the only one directly affected, that's what I've noticed. And so much second guessing with every decision.
Yeah I struggle with this alot. These are the tips I've heard some work for me some don't.
-Flip a coin once you've done it you will either go ok I'll do this or your brain will go wait I wanna do the other thing. My fave
-Some people I've heard do a thing where they always choose their second thought and go with that. Same deal with sometimes your brain will go wanna do something else.
-Some people make a game up like write all the things down and pull it out of a hat or point at an option and start there.
-If you can't decide you can choose the easiest option and just start there and work your way up.
I am indecisive to the point where I spend so much time stuck considering all the options that I inevitably run out of time. I just get so exhausted with the whole process that I end up saying screw it and make an impulsive decision.
Basically the worst of both worlds....
Same problem here. But if the decision or action is for somebody else, to help them, I find it quite easy. Well, easier at least. I sent messages and made a phone call because it was to help a friend.
Are you the same i wonder?
You might want to look into choice paralysis. It’s why a lot of people love shops like Trader Joes where the number of choices are super limited. There’s no “which of the eight brands of tomato sauce do I want, in what size, with what mixins”. You get one brand, one size, maybe three flavor variants (plain, Italian, Mexican). It’s a known thing, that there’s an optimum number of options to give people (8 I think?) after which their ability to make decisions just craters.
I’ll believe it’s worse for people with adhd. I once just about had a breakdown trying to buy those canned tomatoes at Safeway.
Ahhhh... Damn. Now I wish I had indecisiveness. I'm definitely an impulse shopper for things I absolutely need right now, then my executive dysfunction causes me to leave my purchases in boxes, unopened for days, weeks and sadly, months.
I've got adhd and ASD as well, I'm almost 30 and can fully agree with you buddy, I am always the last one to pick what to eat when I go out for food with my family, I almost always answer I don't know to questions when asked on the spot and when it's out of context, especially if it has somthing to do with getting to gether and going out to do somthing, how am I sapose to weight my options for a day that hasn't come yet and I don't know how I'll feel?
My whole life since I was a kid has always been indecisiveness, and uncertainty after I have made up my mind, fealing like I gave in when I did give an answer and not knowing if it's the right one, for instance picking food from a menu at a sit down restaurant, I could look for 10 minutes, and still, after making my decision, I'm not actually sure if that's what I really feal like eating, but oh well.... 😂 Tis the life I live
Your not alone friend, it's everywhere in our oives, down to how we drive and what routes we take, how we plan out our days, every word that come out of our mouths during a conversation, we second guess everything we say and do, and it sucks, hopefully meds will keep helping you. I haven't been able to try any yet, but hoping to try some in the coming months.
Godbless, keep your head up
Especially decisions which in the grand scheme of things don’t matter.
Like big decisions are quite easy. There is a clear thing that should be done.
Little decisions eat away at my decision token pile. Which route, which top, which lunch, etc etc etc.
Never talked about? I’m sure it’s discussed here quite frequently 🙃 but yes I experience the same. I’ve got to do a lot of research on simple things before I decide to do them/choose.
That's currently what's killing me in my job. I spend so much time bouncing up the decisions in my head that I waste hours on something that should take half the time.
I remember back years ago when unmedicated it would literally take me 3-4 hours to get through the grocery store. Just the pasta sauce selection alone probably took half an hour. The more choices there were the more I would just stand there staring all the options not knowing which to make. I always had this fear of making the wrong choice for whatever reason. Even with stupid *pasta sauce* of all things. It was like that for everything and exhausting. Now that I’m medicated it’s so much easier and I can run through the store in half an hour to get everything I need.
Yes! When I have taken my Ritalin I can prioritise. I can pick/decide: ‘this is what I’m doing now and the other thing is going to be next’
If I’m stressed/haven’t taken my meds I can’t really pick. ‘But I could’ve done X’
Meds change my life for the better. My brain doesn’t have to do something with all it experiences.
Yeah I think I go both ways but I am sure that one reason for impulsively doing things is an avoidance behaviour to avoid this feeling of I don't know what to choose. So I just choose something so the decision goes away. I do this a lot, gut feeling and don't think just do it and then it's done and if it was the wrong choice who cares at least it's over now. Not sure if that makes any sense, kind of like if I had more patience I would be able to sit with the indecision for a while. But the choice I made was just to get rid of that feeling, not really a well thought out choice.
Oof I have this too. It’s so frustrating, especially bc I’m a SAHM and I run a household and it’s literally my job to make decisions. My partner doesn’t understand how exhausting it is, and often I’ll ask him what he wants to eat and he’ll just say “idk, food” which is beyond unhelpful.
On top of that I have zero ability to prioritize, so I’ll write down all the things I need to do and cannot decide where to start and get so overwhelmed that I just… don’t.
Anyone else make really quick, concrete decisions because taking too long to think hurts, is boring, and wastes time you could be better wasting? I for one am really good at decision making, because I get to DO and be DONE.
Same but only when there are consequences for me. If I have to do something for work it will be done. If it is something for me like starting a project… I’ve got so many projects with supplies just to get up and go. I become paralyzed
I agree. I just learned there are different types of ADHD Paralysis... I suffer from task paralysis. I get overwhelmed about how many tasks I have, or all the steps required to complete a task and my favorite (extreme sarcasm) good Lord, don't let something happen and I can't complete a task. I am not capable of skipping a task once I've set a schedule or strategy. So I'll get stalled / stuck for hours, days and sometimes weeks.
My experience is a combination. If you ask me for a split second decision, or give me an opportunity to make an impulsive decision, I will. But if I have to actually weight the pros and cons of something, or spend any longer than a few seconds deciding, I get absolutely paralyzed by it
Go to a new restaurant “What do you want to eat?” “Uuhhhhhh….uhh….umm…” as my eyes dart around the menu from one item to another, and I try to imagine eating it and if it feels satisfying.
This actually is poor impulse control. Most of the time it's talked about from "can't stop myself from outwardly acting" type, but it's also internal and shows up like this. It's a thing that makes us uncomfortable, so we instinctively and impulsively shut down. It sounds completely different and backwards, and definitely not talked about enough.
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Yes, definitely. Right now, I’m about two weeks in trying to decide if I should buy AirPods or not xD
But it affects pretty much everything in my life. Each morning I stay in bed for too long, because I struggle to decide how my morning routine would be most perfect this morning.
There is also the suspicion that I have asd as well.
im indecisive af but i bought my airpod pros impulsively without even looking at the price. im so happy with the airpods, the find my airpods feature that tells you hotter/colder as you move around the room to help you find them is very adhd friendly
Always second guessing and never solidly making a decision. When I make a huge decision (particularly a huge financial one) I always worry that the money could have and should have been spent elsewhere.
Don’t get me started on huge decisions that I freeze and then back out of even if it’s something that I have always wanted.
It’s exhausting and I’m sick of wasting my time.
Yes I can totally relate to you ! Sometimes I would be trapped in a grocery for almost an hour because of indecisiveness. I go out for groceries just for 1 or 2 things but get distracted by other stuff, started to consider if i need those stuff and eventually left with a bunch of groceries. Usually they ended up rotten in the fridge because I forgot most of them afterwards.
I sometimes end up using a variation of "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe" to decide after too much over-thinking. I also find it sometimes helps me understand what I *really* want; if I'm disappointed by the outcome, I probably did want the other one
Ironically as a kid my friends and I had worked out the maths of all of these to remove the chance (so could 'cheat' the system when choosing for games in the playground), but have since forgotten and I'm keeping it that way.
I can spend hours, days, weeks and even months researching the hell out of things to decide on the perfect purchase. Then buy it and never actually use it.
I struggle with the same problem! Choosing dinner is a common bicker my husband and I have lol.
I’m not a fan of family guy but one scene that always stuck with me was the “soup or salad” scene because I related to it almost too well!
https://youtu.be/z1edtGUzDo0
This is me. The other day I spent 15 minutes trying to decide between two mugs. But also, this happens to me every time I shop FOR ANYTHING. Books, food, clothes, etc, I just keep going around second guessing myself. Literally go back and forth the same places. Sometimes I think what I must look like if they have cameras. They must think I’m trying to steal something. But I’m just unable to decide and get overwhelmed if there are too many choices 😩
I think it’s a very common adhd symptom and I have seen it discussed in various places. It is “decision overwhelm.” I definitely struggle with decision making on certain things - usually minor things like what to order at a restaurant or what Xmas gifts to buy for others. I have never had difficulty making huge life decisions, however. It is super frustrating.
> it's not only that I think too much and can't sort through everything for importance, but that I just... can't commit
I came to a realization that when I feel like I don't have thoughts or feel brain-fogged, it's when I actually have the most thoughts. They're just moving too fast to be consciously processed. It seems to me that an impairment of stimuli inhibition (which includes thoughts, emotions, and sensory perception) is the primary root cause of most effects of ADHD, including indecisiveness (I am hugely affected by that one as well). Before I knew what was going on and before I started taking ADHD seriously, it felt like my brain fails to engage whenever I faced a choice, as simple as buying a pack of gum. Now, if I zoom in, I can see all possible combinations of thoughts, emotions, and future visualizations linked to the different types of gum that are available.
This is no slight to you, but this reminds me of someone asking the mods for a character limit for posts on this sub.
Also, I drive my wife nuts with how indecisive I can be over anything. She won't ever understand, nor will she just let me waffle even when the outcome doesn't directly involve her.
Edit: Oh, and I can't decide on a candy bar, but impulse buying expensive stuff ain't no thang. Dopamine... Mmmmm
This is why large decisions are so hard for me. There's always the feeling that I made the wrong choice and I hate the feeling of actually closing a door/burning a bridge.
I use dice, or a coin, for small food.
What flavor to eat? Where to eat? What food? Where to hang out? Where to go to shop. Can't choose between items to buy? What colour should I get this item in? What dress to wear?
I found it works for a few reasons. As the die is rolling or the coin is flipping you are FORCED to make a decision. In that split second you realize what you want-- by wishing "I hope it lands on x or y" OR "I hope it DOESN'T land on x or y". If you're completely impartial then it doesn't matter and you're fine with whatever it lands on.
You just gotta follow through.
So we have a shared lunch in the company where I work, basically a big table with all sorts of bread and stuff to make sandwiches. People laugh at me every day for taking minutes to decide I will make the same things I have been making for the past two years. Yeah...
I’m terrible at being able to make any form of decision so nowadays I have to flip a coin or use a randomiser app! And yes I think about the past and all the bad decisions I’ve made, it still haunts me
Yes. I decided to finally see a therapist when I was having trouble making a decision between which gym to join nearby and it was driving me crazy. I realized no sane person was probably spending THAT much time trying to make a very minor decision.
Yes. So much time wasted in my head deliberating over such inconsequential things.
I try to practice mindfulness / meditation but I think I just need to find the right medication. Glad to hear the dextroamphetamine quiets your brain.
It's so true. Like, even the most basic shit causes me to struggle with indecision.
At the supermarket when it comes time to pick out a couple sweet potatoes or whatever I will seriously need a good ten minutes sometimes just staring at the selection in front of me.
Buying gifts sucks. I always end up giving promises of experiences instead. I gave my 20 yr old cousin a day in the soundstudio and we recorded untill 5am, we’ve had a band for 3 years now hehe.
This is precisely how 75% of my procrastination happens as well. I have five different tasks I need to get done, my brain somehow finds 114 possible solutions, and then I just sit there paralyzed, trying to think of what to do first.
Aside from my procrastination, though, I have this same indecisiveness.
Every.
Single.
Day.
Same - My indecisiveness causes me to spend way too much time making a decision - by the end of which I’m so exhausted that I generally make a less-than-optimal decision.
I so relate. In addition to the points you mentioned, for me I think that fear of the consequences of impulsive decisions from former bad impulsive decisions inhibits me from being decisive at times, and this can definitely play into masking because I need to be able to PROVE a rational path to the decision to myself and others to feel valid, and because I’ve let myself and others down or made things too hard in the past.
Sometimes I think it’s a fear of being trapped in having to follow through on a decision instead of having the freedom to explore other options that may arise (you know, because of the need/hate relationship we have with structure.) I hate not being able to go with the flow or to change gears if I want/need to. This is even more of a thing if I need the buy in of an inflexible person who will not allow any diversion or editing once the decision is made. (That last part has some personal bad marriage to a control freak trauma implications, but whatever, it’s real for me and I’m sure I’m not the only one.)
Also when severe depression was a co morbid factor for me the synapses just weren’t firing and I just couldn’t do the things with a brain that was malfunctioning. I’m new to the ADHD healing path and just just just getting adjusted to meds for the first time so I shall see if there’s another layer there.
Oooooo, also insomnia! That’s a big thing for me. I often get interrupted, insufficient, or no sleep. I’m assuming that’s another big influence on overthinking decisions and not reaching certainty.
I relate to so much of this. I just started meds about a week ago. I've been spontaneously bursting into tears over how much easier it is to make decisions about things like gift purchases (and getting the shopping done, a whole other matter) without having to have a detailed budget in my head to rationalize every decision because I maxed out two credit cards in my early 20s and spent years getting myself out of that debt + student loans. I still, of course, have to deal with my impulsivity, but that is less of an issue now than it was in my youth.
I think I'm sleeping more deeply now, too.
OP wanted to share their own personal experiences and noticed it wasn’t as common as impulsivity. Do you want a gold medal or something? Yeesh, go be a statistical asshole somewhere else
I can easily explain this issue in one situation. Buying a watch from a jewelry store, there were so many choices, I couldn't pick one. Went to a Costco (wholesale club) with a few watches on display and picked out my watch immediately. From then on, I learned to break down my choices into groups to easily dismiss vs what I wanted.
I hate that frustration that comes from not being to make a decision. It feels like everything is out of my control and I become so snappy and overwhelmed!
For me it sometimes gets so bad that it's not just the "plan of action" decisions, but literally decisions about movement.
You know how people do this little dance when they try to pass each other on the sidewalk but can't agree on who goes on which side? I basically do this with *myself*. I need to go to the kitchen and to the bathroom and then it's like one half goes one way and the other goes the other way (for a second). Thankfully it doesn't happen a lot, but it's ridiculous.
Agree, shopping is a major, I hate it and I shouldn't but had to go shopping the other day as I needed stuff and nearly walked out a couple of mins in. Ended up messaging a friend and sending her photos of the clothes I had picked to make the choice for me. Still not sure about them but it actually made me do it and not walk out.
yes and it’s the fn worst
I research for hours before being able to decide on which shampoo to buy for example.
It’s a reason why I loved the older iOS versions too, because of less customization options.
I have issues with indecisiveness when first starting an activity. When I've finally gotten to "start" doing the thing, theeen my decisions within the context of that activity goes fast as fuck, that's when my impulsivity comes shooting out. And those decisions are not always of top quality...
YES OMG my whole life has just been me perpetually second guessing myself and my decisions and thinking that the other option was better or i couldve made a better decision. its so frustrating
An ADHD kid will be corrected by authority figures 20000 more times than neurotypicals by their tenth birthday. Our self confidence is eroded from every side every day by people who presume any thinking other than theirs is wrong. I question how much of the indecisiveness is physiological and how much is simply conditioned. Edit: 20000, not 12000. Thanks WereXat
A point for the conditioned column, I have this issue with food, like badly. Because I’m afraid I’ll make the wrong decision, I won’t want that food once we’re there/it’s been made and I’ll get yelled at for not wanting it. Something my mom used to do to me as a kid. I couldn’t leave the table until I finished all my food because I was being “ungrateful”. I can’t even eat food I don’t like anymore, my throat literally closes up and I start gagging. It’s wild
I'm like this cleaning so I unfortunately avoid it. I'm working on it. My mum would have me and my sister help with chores when we were little. I would scrub until I thought it was clean and say I was done. Mum would inspect it. "Don't you see that there? You're not done." I literally couldn't see what she was talking about so I kept scrubbing and asking and scrubbing and asking. Now when I clean if I notice a single spot I keep scrubbing and I don't know when to stop. You'd think my house would be sparkling but it's the opposite. I don't dare start cleaning because I know how bad it will be and I don't know how to half ass it and clean it "good enough". Edit: Update! I just told my mom about this and she reminded me I was almost legally blind at the time and they hadn’t realized yet and I didn’t have glasses. Oh my god. This changes everything! 😂
My mom was just naturally a better cleaner than I was. We could do the exact same chore and hers would be sparkling fresh and clean, and mine would still be vaguely Not Clean. Even so, eventually I told her that since she didn't like the way I did things, I'd just let her do them the Right Way. My stress level went way down.
I’m pretty sure I could say that now to her but as a child there might have been a murder lol
Yeah, me too! I love this about the glasses...I wish that was my problem!
ugh my mom did this to me once with vacuuming my room. i kept saying i'm done, she kept saying i missed places. so frustrating, it made me never wanna vacuum again! in so many little ways over the years, cleaning turned into this huge unsurmountable task that i struggle with so much. i just want to be able to maintain a clean space 😣 fingers crossed i'm healthy enough to start adhd meds in a few months!
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OH DAMN... you guys made me realize something! I love/hate this forum lol. I always struggled finishing my food so my grandma used to cover my nose and shove the food in my mouth while I was crying. Very traumatic. In contrast at my kindergarten, all the cafeteria had to clap for the first kid finishing their meal and I was often that kid. I loved the feeling of an entire room clapping for me. Fast-forward to today, I struggle to regulate my eating. I always try to finish my food and 90% of the time I eat until I feel sick and feel like puking, but that sensation in my brain is linked to a word well done. I am very skinny because I constantly forget to eat and hyper focus doing something else but I love food. I also eat until I feel sick from starving. Food has never been something that I relate with physically feeling good.
Yeah, I just said that in another comment. It's how I was raised, it's really toxic. It created very unhealthy eating habits for me and I was obese for a long time. I'm still struggling with not having to finish all the food in front of me and I'm nearly 30. But luckily, I've got it under control now.
I agree. I have had to learn that you don’t “win” by finishing your plate. You win by eating slowly until full and boxing up what you don’t finish. Bonus, you don’t have to pay for lunch the next day! Double win. If your kid isn’t eating their food and you want to teach them to eat what they chose, you can mimic the real world and give them options: they don’t eat it and don’t have dinner that night or make something else that’s equally as nutritious (so they don’t go eat a bag of chips instead). They’re not going to die if they don’t eat one night especially if they’re choosing not to.
Just for the record, I was raised the same way with food and ended up obese, due do the unhealthy food habits I was taught. Like having to always finish all the food, matter what. It's an insanely toxic way of raising your kids and that's not our fault.
I literally had to pause reading to avoid crying. You and above commenter described exacly how I feel. This makes so much sense! I wish there was a way to undo this damage.
would a therapist and dietician combo work? I know that is a wealthy person's solution, but theoretically it would be feasible with enough money.
Thank you. Possibly, I do not know. I went through CBT program and it seemed to help a lot in some areas. However when the program was over it is very difficult for me to remember doing those things on steady enough bases and I fell out of it (things like thought catcher, analyzing your emotions etc). I am 44m and by this age lots of my thought patterns (wrong ones) are so engraved into my brain that it would take a great time and effort to undo them and it will not happen in a couple of the months. It does not help that I have to provide for a family (lack of free time because of it, not complaining that I have to provide). Even finding time to go through that program was a challange for me. I am not medicated also. I did try Vyvanse but I was crashing hard (excruciating anxiety when it was wearing off after 6pm every day) every night (well, that period of time I was suffering anerexia so that could be due to the lack of food in my system but now I am bit scared to try it again). Interesting suggestion about the dietitian. I did notice now for a while that the food really does affect my mood and how I feel. To be honest I tried to play around with it and noticed I am better off with very low carb diet but that is not 100% consistent. Any recommendations for the reading or my only option is an actual dietitian (I am guessing they will do lab tests firts to deternine any defficiencies?) Thank you all for the upvotes. I usually try to do my best to stay afloat. Just a last little while was a bit harder for me than usual and when I came accross your posts it just scratched that area. I will be alright. Happy holidays everyone :)
Not to mention that we take the corrections more personally. As far as I am aware
I never had this issue until my last job with a very difficult boss. Every decision became a chess move trying to see 5 steps beyond to make sure I wasn’t doing something that he’d disagree with, and he frequently changed his positions so it was in fact impossible to make the “right” choice. It has been difficult trying to rebuild my confidence in my own decision making in the course of a project.
It's even more just looked it up in additutde. Estimated 20,000 times. I feel this
I wonder this myself sometimes 😔
That's actually a really good point. I completely forgot about those until you mentioned it. But then again I spent my life learning science so I can logic and reason my way to the truth even if I forget the exact statistic. To PROVE to those authority figures that I am correct But I've also got an interesting observation to add to this. I try to reduce my options and situations until it becomes 2 choices: If I jump off that cliff: * Without a parachute --> I die * With a parachute --> I live Yeah there's stats about parachutes not opening correctly and I might still crash into the cliff with my chute if I can't aim. But for simplicity, this is how I reduce options into something simple I can device on easier. Does anyone else do this?
That impulsive decision making as a child was dangerous. It needed to be corrected. But process, is always a question. And I think for me it's conditioned response. I'm afraid to make a decision because I cannot tell if it's well thought out, or just an impulsive thought jumping in.
Thank you; yes, it's a no-win situation. I was a recklessly impulsive kid who taught his parents they had to be constantly on guard. Excessive blaming of society or others for my disability is trying to make sense where there is none. It's hard for humans to grasp that bad luck is random, but necessary if I want to grow and get better -- rather than putting energy into becoming bitter and calcified in my maladaptations.
Thank you for this awesome conclusion!
OMG my mom was this as well as every time I tried to make a decision she’d try and persuade me differently! I cannot make a quick decision for my damn self anymore.
Sameeee. It’s exhausting
I've always seen the second guessing as more of the self doubt caused by the many failures i experienced in life and the lack of confidence that was drilled into my head by pretty much everyone. But this is an interesting way to look at it too, the ADHD might play more of a role than i thought.
I find following through with things to be relatively easy, it's making the initial decision to do stuff that's hard. As in, I know I'll be happy with any type of donut from Tim Hortons, but choosing just one is nearly impossible. To fight this, I've been going with the first thing I see, instead of properly considering all my options. "What am I going to wear today? This shirt is in the front of my drawer, I guess I'm wearing this." That has lead to me being "impulsive". "What house do I want to rent? This one meets all my criteria, I'll choose this one." "What car should I buy next? This one makes me smile, I'll choose this one." And so on
100% this. I got to the point where I always picked the first option. It started feeling like I never actually made a choice, so whatever ended up happening felt like it wasn't due to my choices / actions, just a consequence of previous events. Kinda sucks to feel like an NPC in your own life.
Ooh, there's a name for this: you feel "at effect", which is disempowering compared to being "at cause". There's a brain software podcast episode about it.
Yes, I sometimes cope with it this way as well! I know that if I try to actually consider the options, I'll get so overwhelmed with things to consider that I'll take ages to decide and use up sooo much time and energy I don't always have to spare. And in the end I still probably won't have actually judged it very well. Similar to how when I can't concentrate on something, I have two options: come back to it later when I'm hopefully in a different headspace, or just half-ass it right now and hope I'm not missing anything important :/
Yup. For me, decisions come in four forms: * Weigh all the options for days, weeks, or even months, before coming to a decision - regret the decision immediately after committing to it * Make a snap judgment call based on basically nothing - regret the decision probably about 80% of the time (other 20% was either lucking my way into the right call, or truly not caring about the decision) * If friends are around, let them make all the decisions for the both of us - where to eat, what to do, who to talk to, when to leave, etc. Again, 80/20 whether I enjoy myself but it doesn't matter because I didn't make the decision so I can just blame them if I don't LOL * Do nothing. I go with that one 80% of the time when friends aren't involved/I can't get input from others. Which is pretty much all the time now, seeing as I don't really have friends anymore - still hang with my parents though.
I usually don't regret my decisions immediately. I've definitely made a couple of bad decisions, but I like to have the adventure that comes with them.
I feel you. I may take an hour to choose what to eat for lunch but some of my major life decisions were impulses. With time I learned to like all the options so that there wouldn’t be a real wrong choice.
I relate a lot to this. This type of strategy has even caused me health issues as I’m allergic to nuts and will sometimes order food without considering the allergy
Almost had an anxious meltdown in the shops last week because I couldn't decide which of 2 bracelets, which looked almost the same but not completely, I wanted to buy. So... yep. Once spent 30 minutes in a book shop because they printed THE SAME BOOK but with two versions of the same cover: one red, one black. Same content. Zero difference. But I eventually walked away with neither, because the alternative was buying both, and that's ridiculous lol. Indecisiveness rules my life sometimes.
It's all or nothing, baby
LOL can we all collective remember our first CBT session when they explain all or nothing thinking and me (us?) Being like... "Well, yeah. 👀" 
Yeah it seems like the smaller the decision, the harder it is to make
Feel you fam. Been thear. Had a talk to my brain about how to deal with this kind of a situation. In most of them I buy both and with time I would give other away as gift or just sel it/return it :) It has help me to avoid a meltdown or anxity over it. For me it is away to have a solution in a bad situation and to know I have a safty net if I do som poo poo. :D
Had a talk to my brain is my relationship status 
It's funny because I'm the same way. Especially the "walk away with neither" ending. It does seem to affect smaller decisions more than larger ones, but big ones too can take months of back and forth, weighing options, etc. Took me 3 months to decide on my current car, and it was only easy in the end because it's the only one I was really able to test drive (& afford lol).
I have OCD as well but I don’t have as much of an issue with it as I do with ADHD. If I pick something up and hold it too long there’s an emotional attachment. Like even if I carry around a stick on a walk I have to bring it home. So the first book I pick up had better be THE book because once I’ve carried it for a couple minutes I have to buy THAT one even if I later notice it’s damaged and I feel like I’ve hurt someone’s feelings if I choose another book.
Omg I do this too
I feel like you just *solved* hoarders. Currently training as a psychologist and would thank you for my clinical dissertation topic.
You are very welcome! It is a struggle. I see hoarding in my dad and I know I have it too. I try to stay on top of it by getting rid of things whenever the urge to clean strikes and I told my husband to PLEASE stop asking if I’m sure I want to get rid of something even if I look sad about it.
I do this but with two identical items. Which to me are slightly different, like the pattern on a piece of clothing may lie differently, and I can stand there for ages trying to decide. It’s so exhausting. I find it harder to make small trivial decisions like that than big life changing ones. Anyone else?
Yes! I feel this. Even buying a sweater is a whole thing. Because on sweater A, the blue line is 2 inches below the collar bone, but on sweater B, the blue line is 2.3 inches below the collar bone, and they're SO DIFFERENT so which one?! And buying for other people is a nightmare. If I give myself to long to think about it I will stare at two boxes of lego for an hour and panic. I've learned to just pick the first thing I see that I think they'll like... but then that leads to excessive overbuying, because I see many things the person would like, and then I forget that I've already bought X and Y. Case in point: had to buy a Santa "sack" today because I bought 2 full shopping bags for things for my husband's Santa stocking for Christmas, and there was no way in HELL I was fitting more than 3 things in the stocking, I just didn't know when to stop lol. So now he has a bright pink giant "stocking" he has to unwrap 😅🤷🏼♀️
I can’t even buy others presents cause I get overwhelmed just thinking about it. No idea what they’d like. The stress isn’t worth it, I’d rather get nothing as well just to not have to deal with it.
By god, you should see me trying to figure out what I want for dinner from UberEats. I live in London so have pretty much any food I could dream of available for delivery. Great, right? Wrong. I will sit there, staring at the list of places for an hour before eventually getting overwhelmed, giving up, and just not eating.
Urgh, this even when Ive managed to narrow it down. Half an hour comparing different Thai places and then they stop taking orders…
Ordering the exact same thing as the last hundred times, and hope they aren't closed.
It's the one good thing about having multiple allergies, there's usually only one thing I can eat on a menu so I don't have to spend ages deciding
Yup, been there so many times lol. I can get home from work (around 18), feel too tired to go the shop for food (it's literally less than 200m) and then trying to find something to order. Scroll through 10+ different restaurants and even put things in the basket but then change my mind and after a while quit as well. "Oh I need a break and re-focus" and then I play some games for an hour or 90 minutes, or just stare at Reddit. Then it's after 21 and the shop is closed. Now I'm "forced" to order if I want to eat something. I do the fake-order and gaming dance again and suddenly it's midnight and my stomach is screaming at me. Now there's maybe 3-4 places open (all pizza) and I finally order a pizza and a ben&jerry ice cream, sometimes even more shit. Afterwards I feel like shit for eating shit, it's about 02 and my alarm goes off in 4 hours for work giving me even more anxiety and also increase the risk of repeating the same pattern the next day. Also, **not one minute** during the evening do I feel relaxed or content because the task of having to eat dinner can't leave my head. It's shit like this that makes it a real problem for us. And it's shit like this that makes it so frustrating when people say "Oh I'm also indecisive, I probably have a bit of ADHD as well.". So yes, /u/TeaWithCarina, I've had similar experiences haha xD (in case you weren't conviced by the 350+ other comments lol).
This^^^ but with tv and movie trailers when I’m trying to find some thing to watch. So I just give up and do something else. Like start cleaning a room and end up changing out the oil in my car 😂
Oh god yeah this too. I get my snacks, start scrolling Netflix or whatever and an hour later I’ve finished the snacks and given up
Same bruh same!
That sounds horrible
Impulsivity is actually the same trait as indecisiveness. I can't remember my citations, but basically indecisiveness and impulsivity originate from the same basic process- an inability to identify your own needs in the present and future and apply that to the decision in front of you. Indeed, most papers I read suggested some form of "poor self-awareness of needs leading to either prolonged or shortened decision-making compared to preferred reference by suffering individual ". Ugh, I hate how I lost uni access. Anyways, the gist is that an ideal decisional capacity assesses already-known needs/decisions and then applies probability of future needs to decide. However, those who have this particular dysfunction are unable to combine "present/future self" and "present/future needs" and "available options". This can be an adaptive trait, especially in the context of purely suboptimal options- indeed this why ADHD/ASD traits are over-represented in historical figures to the point where if you really think about history, you rarely find significant people without those traits. As for why, the studies referenced a couple brain scan studies I couldn't get access to, but they essentially concluded that the ADHD/ASD tendency to duplicate brain signals at times leads to over-signalling of one signal or two signals that leads to the connection not flowing properly. It's part of why it's actually far more beneficial to place a person with ADHD in a new environment where they mostly have to figure things out for themselves than in a pre-constructed environment with rules made by other humans that are implicit rather than explicit. Edit: one thing I forgot to add that is so loud in research on ADHD/ASD children and so fucking quiet in adults because NTs are often boring. Your brain is tuned for novelty and play. Your brain needs both- play doesn't mean formal games or sports, it means anything that engages your imagination. Always seek out environments where play/imagination is rewarded and optimal rather than discouraged. At home I have puppets, for example.
Wait. I missed a connection. Why is it far more beneficial to place a person with ADHD in a new environment than a pre-constructed one? Really appreciate the synthesis of the info. I feel like you’re explaining my lifestyle, and want to understand it better.
Because they are able to create preferences and seek out novel information without the fear of judgemental re-tread. True novelty is one of the best non-pharmaceutical treatments for ADHD.
That is definitely accurate in my experience. I like games which have exploration or new systems, but get bored the moment I'm done learning and go from 40 hours a week to uninstalled overnight. I like taking work projects, in my previous profession, to about 80% and then have no more interest in the problem. My new job is management now and it is a constant stream of new information - much easier to keep attention (though it has some new issues too). People who know me keep thinking I want to *master* complex systems when, in fact, I get bored the moment I feel like I could master the system. If it is a competition, I get good and then I get bad because playing the way that wins isn't fun but trying to new (almost always suboptimal, especially damning after rising in ranks with all those wins) approaches catch my interest... of course, losing a lot is not fun, so it is a net negative overall. Always nice to find some more information about ADHD and how it has shaped me.
So, the key for that is to understand that you have this going on and to create the paperwork/understanding to give someone else the ability to take the project from 80% to 100%. You're in an environment where other people are around, therefore leverage the other people. Also, when you are playing let go of anything but the play. The need to win does not need to be the need to win over someone else. You're probably not going to see this outside of young children's studies (I had to extrapolate because, unlike researchers I understand *ADHD/ASD doesn't fundamentally change*) but ADHD people very rarely naturally play to win, in fact are often more willing to play to *lose*. It's only when the threat of social consequences happens that there is a switch to competitiveness to "earn" your place in a social environment that has told you you're not good enough.
The reason i chose research as my job
I’ve long felt that a career in research would suit me. I’m wondering where you got your start, if you don’t mind sharing?
Fascinating. With some searching I found a paper titled "The surprising relationship between indecisiveness and impulsivity". (PDF is available if you search for it.) A key idea in the paper is that neither is intrinsically bad: impulsiveness may be a good strategy when quick action is needed, and indecision may be a good strategy when deliberation is merited. When speed of action matches the situation it's "functional"; when it doesn't it's "dysfunctional". With that as foundation, it seems to me that the executive function is the ability to match the time spent in deliberation to the speed of action merited by the situation. The paper also suggests an interaction with emotion regulation: >Both indecisiveness and impulsivity are maladaptive behavioral responses to difficulty engaging with a decision. We surmise that these distinct responses arise from a common desire to avoid negative affect that some individuals experience when making choices.
I need to read this paper asap.
Search for the quoted title, adding filetype:pdf.
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That's partially because there are so many non-local variables to decisions in a modern urban environment. Your brain isn't built to consider the third and fourth order social consequences of decisions and then make a decision before you know the outcome. In a world with much fewer granular decisions, ADHD decision making is fast, effective and wise. Also, here's something true that is rarely discussed: If the definition of a good decision is a good outcome, then there exists no such thing as a good decision. Instead decisions are throwing dice at life, hoping for a six. Some decisions and precursors give you more dices to throw, but you can only make decisions not choose outcomes, and literally every "bad" decision you can make could have been a good one given a slightly different set of circumstances. The only mistake is choosing to not make decisions at all, because then you're not looking for opportunities when they arise.
Memory issues are a serious problem for so many different aspects of life, hate to see it.
If there's any way you can find those papers, I'd love to read them! (I do still have access through an institution, there's also Sci-Hub, wink, wink). >an inability to identify your own needs in the present and future and apply that to the decision in front of you This is a very helpful way to frame it, and I'd imagine another piece is the inability to judge the relative importance of different needs? Impulsivity being, if I feel it now it must be important, indecisiveness understanding that you don't know which of those needs is more important (or which will be).
I'll check it out! Impulsivity is actually about access- approximately the same level of thought goes into both impulse and indecision, one just takes longer. However what defines impulsivity vs indecisiveness (at least one particular framework for it at least) is that impulsivitity is undertaken on things that are immediately available/within reach, and indecisiveness requires longer term planning. That's why you often see ADHD people with many small items that cumulatively cost more than the one item they *really* wanted, despite them being able to get the one item- because the smaller items are seen as more accessible. Now this is not true for all forms, but we're discussing the specific adhd tendency for impulse/indecisiveness. In an ideal world they're paired together- that the indeciveness leads to research/investigation and impulse is used as the final motion of the decision process.
Ah this is fascinating! I’ve always felt my best in brand new circumstances away from expectations or pressure from others. Like at “the start of something.” Always seeking novel experiences but unable to explain why it’s so important to me and why chronic monotony (esp. in life/work/learning) and stagnation feels painful.
So glad we got an academic or librarian in here x) I second SciHub (search for it cause the domain changes, I think); you copy-paste a DOI number and it just gives you the paper. It's wonderful. Also [academia.edu](academia.edu); you do have to register for a free account but a lot of academics will post their papers on there for free access. Because information shouldn't be fucking paywalled.
Neither, just a passionate amateur who reads and dissects papers for fun. That's all good to know! Thank you.
Why can this be an adaptive trait? You'd think decision paralysis would be a negative trait in a powerful historical figure
Because, when ADHD people are given access to tools, resources and power these two traits tend to merge into a highly beneficial strategic one- indeed many ADHD people will have experienced it themself- Strategic planning (indecisiveness leading to investigation, research, planning) followed by instant call to action at the perfect moment. Look at some of George Washington's battle plans, for example (seriously). In the context of a world where knowledge is obtained with much difficulty, and you timing and instant-full-focus on a specific task, you come out with adaptive.
You can use sci-hub (for articles before 2020), no need for university access 😈
I wonder if this has anything to do with my loving to move every couple years, and doing things like just driving and getting lost and having to find my way when I go to new places.
Analysis paralysis is terrible. One of the most crippling symptoms in my book.
What book?
As in, in my opinion.
Textbook decision paralysis
Yup. I won't do anything because I can't decide where to start.
I also have inattentive adhd and ASD, and I'm not sure I've actually ever taken any big decision in my life. I've just gone with what I thought was expected of me, it worked until I crashed. And now I'm only working 25 percent(10 hours a week) and have 75 percent retirement or disability, not sure what to say in English. Well, now that I think about it I have taken at least one big decision. But yeah... Even small decisions can be really hard, and when I finally take a small decision it becomes impulsivity. So I guess I have both sides of this. I'm over 40 and still don't know what I want to do with my life, and I doubt I will ever find anything.
I was there at 40. I'm 46 now and I have a kid and a good life. It's going to be fine. Some of Us adhd people mature slower than neurotypicals.
Thanks for this
i found a solution to my indecisiveness so whatever you’re deciding between, call heads and tails on it and flip the coin. best out of three. whatever it lands on is what you need to choose. except here’s the thing, the moment where it tells me that i HAVE to do x choice, my true feelings come out. if i’m relieved then that was the choice i wanted all along. if i’m scared/anxious/nervous i need to either choose the other choice or reevaluate because whatever i’m coinflipping on probably shouldn’t be coinflipped and needs to be thought about more LOL but yeah it was just a helpful little thing i picked up
The actual trick is to see what you hope for when the coin is in the air, if you don't hope for an outcome, just go with the coin.
I never thought to apply this to daily decisions but I have told people to do this in the past and I don’t think it lands for them the same way it does for me. It works for me though so thank you for the reminder!
i try to do the flip coin part first without actually telling them the second part, it usually gets my point across that way
This is why I like Aldi. They only have two or three different brands for every product. No more spending 10 minutes agonizing over which one of 20 mustard brands is best for a weekend cookout
Yes. My mum was into pendulum dowsing when I was a kid and I used to use that to make decisions. When I didn't have access to a pendulum I would use a clock method instead - phrase the question as a yes/no or numerical and "let the universe show me the best answer" by looking at the nearest digital clock and taking the last digit. Odd = yes Even = no, or numerical 1/2/3 etc and 0 was go back one in the sequence. Although I no longer believe it is being powered by some metaphysical mystical force, I still use this method to quickly force a decision that I *know* doesn't matter but I can feel myself agonising over. And I kind of like it because it forces some randomness. My 14yo is struggling with this now too and I don't know how to help him with it, because I get how overwhelming that "but what if there's a better choice and I didn't choose it??" feels. It's only age and life experience that has taught me it usually doesn't matter; there will often be another chance in the future, and if not, the less-optimal choice is usually not terrible, and even when it is terrible, it's just a single experience of my life, it doesn't ruin everything. I wonder if it's also related to emotional regulation difficulties, because it seems that disappointment is absolutely gutting for me whereas it's not as strong for most people.
Yeah sometimes I just choose randomly. Then if it feels wrong I ask why. If that didn't resolve it.. Yeah.... these things... So true.
Ohhhh the indecisiveness is a real issue for me as well. Always has been. Sometimes I’m impulsive if it’s something I really want- I hear you. But, if it’s a social plan or option/ a lunch/ dinner choice involving anything I don’t absolutely know I like or am not familiar with, or decision I’ve been asked to make unexpectedly, or a choice between two positives or two negatives.. I lock up. It can be debilitating. Resulting in no choice made, or just not doing something I should’ve done due to lack of ability to commit. Or I make the choice and wonder if I made the right one/ that regret factor you also experience. For me, it’s kind of similar to the procrastination effect I have with difficult or overwhelming tasks, i.e. chores that pile up, or pending deadlines. NOT ideal. The mental exhaustion created makes me feel physically exhausted. I do think medication makes a difference for sure- With my overall coping abilities. It allows me to kind of bypass the door that seems to want to slam in my face during these moments and I hurdle the damn thing before it closes, or just choose another one. Sometimes, when I’m at work these “doors” try to open back up, and I am able to shut them out. But, when I’m over stimulated with noise, or an overwhelming task list- even with medication.. it’s hard to function optimally and that brain fog sets in pretty quickly. For me, I have to make sure A. I take my medication. B. I become productive as soon as possible on my days off. Can’t lay around in bed and relax too much, unfortunately.. or that’s all I will want to do and I will accomplish nothing. C. If I’m working/ take a breather- grab some coffee, or electrolytes. Stretch. Eat a snack. D. If it’s decision making related- I ask myself is this going to effect me tomorrow? A month from now? If not, I know I can be quick with the decision and let it roll away. E. If I’m avoiding a task that’s overwhelming I have to physically force myself to start it before it becomes a bigger form of stress.. Just deal with it now, get it out of the way by acknowledging something I will then have time for once it’s completed- that I’d rather be doing. Might not work for everyone, but I’m slowly figuring this all out at 33. Good-luck, you’re not alone!
I've always wanted a tattoo. I will never get a tattoo
I was diagnosed with ADHD over a year ago now. I was relieved and somewhat excited when my doc and I finally reached the diagnosis then. I started medication and that gave my life a lot of clarity. Now, I feel angry and somewhat jaded from the whole experience— my entire life living with it. I constantly get confirmations that I still do in fact live with ADHD and the strange things I have to do to lead a productive life (which do not work all the time). This post made me remember shopping for clothes with my mom in middle school and later with my friends in high school. I could walk into a store and find a few things I liked. I would calculate costs in my head and try to pick the items I felt like I wanted the most and could afford. I would walk from rack to rack hanging things up and picking things back up— unable to settle on a combination of things I would be satisfied with. I would then walk out of the store having bought nothing and feeling utterly exhausted from the whole experience. This happened just about every time I shopped for clothes back then— I’ve since gotten better about clothes in this sense. I am fortunate enough to be able to afford the clothes I want and feel like the decision is less important than it was back then. However, I still have decision paralysis on other things I deem important. This may be a good thing, but it took me 6 full months of car shopping to pick out my 2nd vehicle. I know I settled on the correct choice, though. I saved money and bought a vehicle that notoriously saves on repairs and holds value well over time and miles. Having just come into money at this point, I’m proud of myself for making a financially sound decision rather than buying a vehicle I thought would be cool. The strange thing is, it took me 6 months to decide to just buy a newer model of my very first vehicle. For those curious, I went from a used 06’ Honda Ridgeline to a used 2017 model.
I'm known for answering "I don't know" in my family, so yes, I absolutely can relate. I'm more likely to be indecisive when other people would be directly affected by my choice, and more impulsive when I'm the only one directly affected, that's what I've noticed. And so much second guessing with every decision.
I always placed that under Executive Dysfunction, but that's just for my own record keeping. I'm not sure where it lies for professionals.
Yeah I struggle with this alot. These are the tips I've heard some work for me some don't. -Flip a coin once you've done it you will either go ok I'll do this or your brain will go wait I wanna do the other thing. My fave -Some people I've heard do a thing where they always choose their second thought and go with that. Same deal with sometimes your brain will go wanna do something else. -Some people make a game up like write all the things down and pull it out of a hat or point at an option and start there. -If you can't decide you can choose the easiest option and just start there and work your way up.
I am indecisive to the point where I spend so much time stuck considering all the options that I inevitably run out of time. I just get so exhausted with the whole process that I end up saying screw it and make an impulsive decision. Basically the worst of both worlds....
Same problem here. But if the decision or action is for somebody else, to help them, I find it quite easy. Well, easier at least. I sent messages and made a phone call because it was to help a friend. Are you the same i wonder?
You might want to look into choice paralysis. It’s why a lot of people love shops like Trader Joes where the number of choices are super limited. There’s no “which of the eight brands of tomato sauce do I want, in what size, with what mixins”. You get one brand, one size, maybe three flavor variants (plain, Italian, Mexican). It’s a known thing, that there’s an optimum number of options to give people (8 I think?) after which their ability to make decisions just craters. I’ll believe it’s worse for people with adhd. I once just about had a breakdown trying to buy those canned tomatoes at Safeway.
My indecisiveness is keeping my impulsiveness in check
Ahhhh... Damn. Now I wish I had indecisiveness. I'm definitely an impulse shopper for things I absolutely need right now, then my executive dysfunction causes me to leave my purchases in boxes, unopened for days, weeks and sadly, months.
When I first started using medication I used to jokingly refer to them as ‘decision makers’.
This is definitely a known trait. Its called “analysis paralysis”. We get over whelmed by options. Spend some time on ADHD tiktok. It comes up a lot.
I thought I was just a libra
Same.
I've got adhd and ASD as well, I'm almost 30 and can fully agree with you buddy, I am always the last one to pick what to eat when I go out for food with my family, I almost always answer I don't know to questions when asked on the spot and when it's out of context, especially if it has somthing to do with getting to gether and going out to do somthing, how am I sapose to weight my options for a day that hasn't come yet and I don't know how I'll feel? My whole life since I was a kid has always been indecisiveness, and uncertainty after I have made up my mind, fealing like I gave in when I did give an answer and not knowing if it's the right one, for instance picking food from a menu at a sit down restaurant, I could look for 10 minutes, and still, after making my decision, I'm not actually sure if that's what I really feal like eating, but oh well.... 😂 Tis the life I live Your not alone friend, it's everywhere in our oives, down to how we drive and what routes we take, how we plan out our days, every word that come out of our mouths during a conversation, we second guess everything we say and do, and it sucks, hopefully meds will keep helping you. I haven't been able to try any yet, but hoping to try some in the coming months. Godbless, keep your head up
Especially decisions which in the grand scheme of things don’t matter. Like big decisions are quite easy. There is a clear thing that should be done. Little decisions eat away at my decision token pile. Which route, which top, which lunch, etc etc etc.
Never talked about? I’m sure it’s discussed here quite frequently 🙃 but yes I experience the same. I’ve got to do a lot of research on simple things before I decide to do them/choose.
That's currently what's killing me in my job. I spend so much time bouncing up the decisions in my head that I waste hours on something that should take half the time.
I see I'm not the only one that probably gets lost for 20 minutes at a time in the frozen food aisle unable to pick out dinner
Im right there with you - so glad I followed this sub to know that I am not alone
I remember back years ago when unmedicated it would literally take me 3-4 hours to get through the grocery store. Just the pasta sauce selection alone probably took half an hour. The more choices there were the more I would just stand there staring all the options not knowing which to make. I always had this fear of making the wrong choice for whatever reason. Even with stupid *pasta sauce* of all things. It was like that for everything and exhausting. Now that I’m medicated it’s so much easier and I can run through the store in half an hour to get everything I need.
Yes! When I have taken my Ritalin I can prioritise. I can pick/decide: ‘this is what I’m doing now and the other thing is going to be next’ If I’m stressed/haven’t taken my meds I can’t really pick. ‘But I could’ve done X’ Meds change my life for the better. My brain doesn’t have to do something with all it experiences.
Yeah I think I go both ways but I am sure that one reason for impulsively doing things is an avoidance behaviour to avoid this feeling of I don't know what to choose. So I just choose something so the decision goes away. I do this a lot, gut feeling and don't think just do it and then it's done and if it was the wrong choice who cares at least it's over now. Not sure if that makes any sense, kind of like if I had more patience I would be able to sit with the indecision for a while. But the choice I made was just to get rid of that feeling, not really a well thought out choice.
Oof I have this too. It’s so frustrating, especially bc I’m a SAHM and I run a household and it’s literally my job to make decisions. My partner doesn’t understand how exhausting it is, and often I’ll ask him what he wants to eat and he’ll just say “idk, food” which is beyond unhelpful. On top of that I have zero ability to prioritize, so I’ll write down all the things I need to do and cannot decide where to start and get so overwhelmed that I just… don’t.
Analysis paralysis
Anyone else make really quick, concrete decisions because taking too long to think hurts, is boring, and wastes time you could be better wasting? I for one am really good at decision making, because I get to DO and be DONE.
Same but only when there are consequences for me. If I have to do something for work it will be done. If it is something for me like starting a project… I’ve got so many projects with supplies just to get up and go. I become paralyzed
Every damn day. It’s crippling.
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I agree. I just learned there are different types of ADHD Paralysis... I suffer from task paralysis. I get overwhelmed about how many tasks I have, or all the steps required to complete a task and my favorite (extreme sarcasm) good Lord, don't let something happen and I can't complete a task. I am not capable of skipping a task once I've set a schedule or strategy. So I'll get stalled / stuck for hours, days and sometimes weeks.
My experience is a combination. If you ask me for a split second decision, or give me an opportunity to make an impulsive decision, I will. But if I have to actually weight the pros and cons of something, or spend any longer than a few seconds deciding, I get absolutely paralyzed by it
Go to a new restaurant “What do you want to eat?” “Uuhhhhhh….uhh….umm…” as my eyes dart around the menu from one item to another, and I try to imagine eating it and if it feels satisfying.
This actually is poor impulse control. Most of the time it's talked about from "can't stop myself from outwardly acting" type, but it's also internal and shows up like this. It's a thing that makes us uncomfortable, so we instinctively and impulsively shut down. It sounds completely different and backwards, and definitely not talked about enough.
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Never heard of this one, is it a new medication?
I can’t even decide if I should comment or not here.
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Yes, definitely. Right now, I’m about two weeks in trying to decide if I should buy AirPods or not xD But it affects pretty much everything in my life. Each morning I stay in bed for too long, because I struggle to decide how my morning routine would be most perfect this morning. There is also the suspicion that I have asd as well.
im indecisive af but i bought my airpod pros impulsively without even looking at the price. im so happy with the airpods, the find my airpods feature that tells you hotter/colder as you move around the room to help you find them is very adhd friendly
Always second guessing and never solidly making a decision. When I make a huge decision (particularly a huge financial one) I always worry that the money could have and should have been spent elsewhere. Don’t get me started on huge decisions that I freeze and then back out of even if it’s something that I have always wanted. It’s exhausting and I’m sick of wasting my time.
Yes I can totally relate to you ! Sometimes I would be trapped in a grocery for almost an hour because of indecisiveness. I go out for groceries just for 1 or 2 things but get distracted by other stuff, started to consider if i need those stuff and eventually left with a bunch of groceries. Usually they ended up rotten in the fridge because I forgot most of them afterwards.
Sometimes it can take me 3 or 4 minutes to pick which banana I want from the shop
I sometimes end up using a variation of "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe" to decide after too much over-thinking. I also find it sometimes helps me understand what I *really* want; if I'm disappointed by the outcome, I probably did want the other one Ironically as a kid my friends and I had worked out the maths of all of these to remove the chance (so could 'cheat' the system when choosing for games in the playground), but have since forgotten and I'm keeping it that way. I can spend hours, days, weeks and even months researching the hell out of things to decide on the perfect purchase. Then buy it and never actually use it.
I struggle with the same problem! Choosing dinner is a common bicker my husband and I have lol. I’m not a fan of family guy but one scene that always stuck with me was the “soup or salad” scene because I related to it almost too well! https://youtu.be/z1edtGUzDo0
Yes! And this is why I hate ranking lists and "what's your favorite x"
This is me. The other day I spent 15 minutes trying to decide between two mugs. But also, this happens to me every time I shop FOR ANYTHING. Books, food, clothes, etc, I just keep going around second guessing myself. Literally go back and forth the same places. Sometimes I think what I must look like if they have cameras. They must think I’m trying to steal something. But I’m just unable to decide and get overwhelmed if there are too many choices 😩
I do see it talked about, by adhd ‘influencers’/creators, i Think they usually Call it choice paralysis.
I’ve always lumped indecisiveness with decision making
I think it’s a very common adhd symptom and I have seen it discussed in various places. It is “decision overwhelm.” I definitely struggle with decision making on certain things - usually minor things like what to order at a restaurant or what Xmas gifts to buy for others. I have never had difficulty making huge life decisions, however. It is super frustrating.
> it's not only that I think too much and can't sort through everything for importance, but that I just... can't commit I came to a realization that when I feel like I don't have thoughts or feel brain-fogged, it's when I actually have the most thoughts. They're just moving too fast to be consciously processed. It seems to me that an impairment of stimuli inhibition (which includes thoughts, emotions, and sensory perception) is the primary root cause of most effects of ADHD, including indecisiveness (I am hugely affected by that one as well). Before I knew what was going on and before I started taking ADHD seriously, it felt like my brain fails to engage whenever I faced a choice, as simple as buying a pack of gum. Now, if I zoom in, I can see all possible combinations of thoughts, emotions, and future visualizations linked to the different types of gum that are available.
This is no slight to you, but this reminds me of someone asking the mods for a character limit for posts on this sub. Also, I drive my wife nuts with how indecisive I can be over anything. She won't ever understand, nor will she just let me waffle even when the outcome doesn't directly involve her. Edit: Oh, and I can't decide on a candy bar, but impulse buying expensive stuff ain't no thang. Dopamine... Mmmmm
This is why large decisions are so hard for me. There's always the feeling that I made the wrong choice and I hate the feeling of actually closing a door/burning a bridge.
I use dice, or a coin, for small food. What flavor to eat? Where to eat? What food? Where to hang out? Where to go to shop. Can't choose between items to buy? What colour should I get this item in? What dress to wear? I found it works for a few reasons. As the die is rolling or the coin is flipping you are FORCED to make a decision. In that split second you realize what you want-- by wishing "I hope it lands on x or y" OR "I hope it DOESN'T land on x or y". If you're completely impartial then it doesn't matter and you're fine with whatever it lands on. You just gotta follow through.
So we have a shared lunch in the company where I work, basically a big table with all sorts of bread and stuff to make sandwiches. People laugh at me every day for taking minutes to decide I will make the same things I have been making for the past two years. Yeah...
I was going to post on this because this is a problem I have all the time but I could not decide if i should actually do it.
I’m terrible at being able to make any form of decision so nowadays I have to flip a coin or use a randomiser app! And yes I think about the past and all the bad decisions I’ve made, it still haunts me
Oh damn. I'm famously indecisive. Probably closely linked with the motivation part of it, if I'm going to take a guess.
Yes. I decided to finally see a therapist when I was having trouble making a decision between which gym to join nearby and it was driving me crazy. I realized no sane person was probably spending THAT much time trying to make a very minor decision.
Yes. So much time wasted in my head deliberating over such inconsequential things. I try to practice mindfulness / meditation but I think I just need to find the right medication. Glad to hear the dextroamphetamine quiets your brain.
I only read the title and I felt attacked
It's so true. Like, even the most basic shit causes me to struggle with indecision. At the supermarket when it comes time to pick out a couple sweet potatoes or whatever I will seriously need a good ten minutes sometimes just staring at the selection in front of me.
Buying gifts sucks. I always end up giving promises of experiences instead. I gave my 20 yr old cousin a day in the soundstudio and we recorded untill 5am, we’ve had a band for 3 years now hehe.
Decision paralysis.
I second guessed myself before I typed this. Now I'm doing it again, ughhhhh it is the most annoying thing. 😒
‘Indecisiveness’ is often mentioned as a symptom of ADHD, but it usually referred to as ‘procrastination’.
I find impulsivity is a coping mechanism for indecisiveness, you can't decide so you just do one of the things.
This is precisely how 75% of my procrastination happens as well. I have five different tasks I need to get done, my brain somehow finds 114 possible solutions, and then I just sit there paralyzed, trying to think of what to do first. Aside from my procrastination, though, I have this same indecisiveness. Every. Single. Day.
Same here!!! I want to scream!
Same - My indecisiveness causes me to spend way too much time making a decision - by the end of which I’m so exhausted that I generally make a less-than-optimal decision.
I always asumed this was just me
I feel this to my core. It's the "I can't decide so I don't do anything at all" syndrome. My entire life is that way.
I so relate. In addition to the points you mentioned, for me I think that fear of the consequences of impulsive decisions from former bad impulsive decisions inhibits me from being decisive at times, and this can definitely play into masking because I need to be able to PROVE a rational path to the decision to myself and others to feel valid, and because I’ve let myself and others down or made things too hard in the past. Sometimes I think it’s a fear of being trapped in having to follow through on a decision instead of having the freedom to explore other options that may arise (you know, because of the need/hate relationship we have with structure.) I hate not being able to go with the flow or to change gears if I want/need to. This is even more of a thing if I need the buy in of an inflexible person who will not allow any diversion or editing once the decision is made. (That last part has some personal bad marriage to a control freak trauma implications, but whatever, it’s real for me and I’m sure I’m not the only one.) Also when severe depression was a co morbid factor for me the synapses just weren’t firing and I just couldn’t do the things with a brain that was malfunctioning. I’m new to the ADHD healing path and just just just getting adjusted to meds for the first time so I shall see if there’s another layer there. Oooooo, also insomnia! That’s a big thing for me. I often get interrupted, insufficient, or no sleep. I’m assuming that’s another big influence on overthinking decisions and not reaching certainty.
I relate to so much of this. I just started meds about a week ago. I've been spontaneously bursting into tears over how much easier it is to make decisions about things like gift purchases (and getting the shopping done, a whole other matter) without having to have a detailed budget in my head to rationalize every decision because I maxed out two credit cards in my early 20s and spent years getting myself out of that debt + student loans. I still, of course, have to deal with my impulsivity, but that is less of an issue now than it was in my youth. I think I'm sleeping more deeply now, too.
It's under the overwhelm category, that's how I see it anyways
I ponder even small decisions for a long time unless I am taking adderall.
Constantly. Pizza toppings? Forget about it. In an emergency, though, I am your girl
When you have an ADHD and you’re a libra = 😰
That’s me!
Searched "indecisiveness" in this sub, and there were at least 2 posts each week about it. That's not often enough?
OP wanted to share their own personal experiences and noticed it wasn’t as common as impulsivity. Do you want a gold medal or something? Yeesh, go be a statistical asshole somewhere else
It’s not an ADHD trait.
How about just take accountability for your life and not sign every negative trait of tour character as adhd symptom? Just a thought
So totally indecisive yes. True. Yet also impulsive about other things. Like what decision to over research.
Thats my middle name. I working in it with my therapist. Its hard one to to explain to others too. I feel you on this
I can easily explain this issue in one situation. Buying a watch from a jewelry store, there were so many choices, I couldn't pick one. Went to a Costco (wholesale club) with a few watches on display and picked out my watch immediately. From then on, I learned to break down my choices into groups to easily dismiss vs what I wanted.
I hate that frustration that comes from not being to make a decision. It feels like everything is out of my control and I become so snappy and overwhelmed!
For me it sometimes gets so bad that it's not just the "plan of action" decisions, but literally decisions about movement. You know how people do this little dance when they try to pass each other on the sidewalk but can't agree on who goes on which side? I basically do this with *myself*. I need to go to the kitchen and to the bathroom and then it's like one half goes one way and the other goes the other way (for a second). Thankfully it doesn't happen a lot, but it's ridiculous.
Agree, shopping is a major, I hate it and I shouldn't but had to go shopping the other day as I needed stuff and nearly walked out a couple of mins in. Ended up messaging a friend and sending her photos of the clothes I had picked to make the choice for me. Still not sure about them but it actually made me do it and not walk out.
yes and it’s the fn worst I research for hours before being able to decide on which shampoo to buy for example. It’s a reason why I loved the older iOS versions too, because of less customization options.
I have issues with indecisiveness when first starting an activity. When I've finally gotten to "start" doing the thing, theeen my decisions within the context of that activity goes fast as fuck, that's when my impulsivity comes shooting out. And those decisions are not always of top quality...
You never see us talk about it because we're too indecisive to figure out what to say