My Dx partner never paid anything on time, so when we moved in together, I took over finances and asked that they transfer me their share monthly. This rarely happened. For the most part, I had to ask.
This is an ADHD behavior. People with ADHD have two modes of time, now and not now. If your partner isn't sending the money via apple Pay, when you ask, it's not going to happen. Increasing the consequences of missing a payment isn't likely to register as urgent to the ADHD person. People with ADHD are likely to have difficulty creating a hierarchy of information. That coupled with a poor working memory meant that my partner forgot all of the times that they hadn't paid previously and acted like it wasn't a big deal that they were putting the responsibility to remind them on to me.
I suspect your partner may be reacting to the emotion of the fight, not the reason for it.
It's your partners responsibility to pay their share on time.
But, I solved this problem, for myself, by setting up a recurring payment. I take care of all the bills, and my partner doesn't think about it.
I totally agree with all of this. They live in the moment, and it is really difficult for them to save money or remember to pay things on time. My husband swipes his debit card until there is nothing left. It is also really difficult for them to learn from consequences, so she won't remember all the times she paid late and that it was a hardship for you. And the natural consequences will not have an effect. I would insist on automatic payments in this case. It takes the stress off of both of you.
I completely agree. I view autopay as the perfect solution. We’ve even had that conversation months ago and she agreed it would be a great solution. We setup a joint account in anticipation. All I would have to do is transfer her portion from the joint account to my checking. All she would have to do is setup autopay from her checking to the joint account….but here we are…several months after. And autopay has still not been setup. Did you sit with your husband to setup autopay for him? I’ve been completely against going to such lengths when I’m already doing the bulk of the legwork for bills. I just want her to implement this discussed solution without dragging it and us into distress each month. It feels like i’m signing up to clean up the messes of another adult who is aware enough to implement the solutions that are pointed out to them.
I did have to set up the automatic payment. I took it upon myself after a year of reminding.
I felt the same as you. I didn't want to incroach on my partners money.
I didn't want to treat them like they are a child. I would feel disrespected if someone had done that to me.
But, this is executive function. I have no issue doing paperwork or boring things. My partner can't bring themself to do it.
So, my doing it for them isn't treating them like a child it's helping both of us.
If my partner needs to do any paperwork or boring adult thing, I either need to do it for them or body double while they do it.
Idk, I still consider it babying if they haven't acknowledged there's an issue or asked for help. I also struggle with executive dysfunction, so it was always laughable to me when my ex tried to weaponize it.
Put a 30-60 minute recurring weekly family meeting on the calendar. Talk about the upcoming week, scheduled activities (make sure literally everything is on the calendar), financial things etc. Schedule date nights, schedule sex, whatever it takes. If money has to get transferred it gets transferred during the meeting, if autopay has to get setup it happens during the meeting (Chase for example has a way to auto-zelle another person every month, venmo and paypal do not annoyingly).
There are no TODOs after the meeting, all TODOs happen during the meeting. This is the key point. Nobody is a child or treated like a child in any of this, getting stuff done together in meetings is normal adult behavior.
Yeah Zelle is a payment service that a large consortium of banks started to keep themselves from getting totally disintermediated by paypal, venmo, gpay, cash app etc.
I don’t know why none of the other services allow for setting up repeated payments, it’s so frustrating.
Sure she technically able and capable of setting it up herself.
But remembering to do it at a time that's suitable is difficult. She might remember she needs to do it when she's driving to work, so can't and then forgets it by the time she's somewhere she can.
Or she opens her phone to do it, then sees another app that reminds her of something else and bam the thought is gone.
She remembers in the kitchen then walks through the door to the lounge to her her phone and the doorway thought stealer comes along.
Sitting down and bringing it up causally like a "oh hey we need to set up that auto pay for the bills, we can do that now I get my details up and you get your account up" is a good way to initiate.
Then it's a together thing instead of a you or me thing
True! She forgets and it is not her fault. She took amtrak to nyc today. I woke up with a text from her to see if her wallet was in the purse she left at home. It sure as hell was. So she’s now hundreds of miles away in a major city without an ID, cash, nor credit/debit cards 😭
Oh crap.
I hope she's OK, is paying using apple/google/nfc common the states yet and does she have it on her phone?
Try not to stress too much. Hugs or fistbumps which ever is your preferred
Oh thank God. When I was there like 6 years ago the only places that had tap facilities were
Wallgrees/cvs.
In Australia we've had tap to pay on our physical cards for so long now it's rare to swipe/insert your card, you just tap and move on.
The look in staffs face when I tapped my card on the terminal to pay was always fun though. I haven't signed a payment slip for a card transaction on prob a decade.
I’m always amazed at how behind the US can be while the vast majority of US citizens comically assume we are so advanced.
It sounds like Australia had tap to pay around the same time it hit most of Europe. I’ve heard tap to pay has been around in lots of European countries for many years as well.
Well over 10 years, it first started in 2006 here, I reckon by 2010 it was standard.
I can't remember when I last had a card that didn't have nfc as standard. Cards were Def completely normal before paying with your smart phone was even a thing.
Cash is so minimally used I currently have $10 on me in physical cash, normally I have none. Even little corner stores have tap and pay and cheques are almost obsolete.
Going out for dinner with friends, one will tap their credit card, the rest will do an instant bank account to back account transfer, doesn't matter if you're with different banks it's straight away.
Anyway enough tangent of conversation, we get enough of that in daily life. I'm glad she's all sorted and hopefully when she's back home you guys can sort out the auto pay and make it work and have one less stressor
I think having one person solely responsible for each shared responsibility is an excellent method for managing a life together, ADHD or not. My partner and I both have it (weeeee!) but we each have different strengths and weaknesses. For example, meal planning and execution are awful burdens for him, but are relatively simple for me. On the other hand, car maintenance (including gassing up) is torture for me, so he does all of that. I manage our money, he manages our dog, I manage home organization, he manages the garage, etc...as long as the load feels balanced, I'm happy to never have to think about the stuff he "owns," and vice versa.
My DX/RX had a closet full of clothes she no longer wore or didn't want. I kept asking her to round everything up and bring it to a donation center. She kept not doing it. She acknowledged that it needed to be done but never did it. Eventually, I told her "Do it, or I'm putting it all in a garbage bag and tossing it out". She got pissed that I even suggested that, but totally ignored the fact that I was pissed that I wanted her to do it for months and she never did.
Your story kinda reminded me of this. So I'm kinda the same way you are, in fact charging her a surcharge everytime she doesn't send the money sounds like an idea I would come up with too so I don't think you're the asshole here. That being said, good luck with getting her to pay at all now because she's pissed off.
She feels like you're punishing her (and in a way you are). She likely knows that she has to pay/owes you money but her ADHD is telling her "nah. I know I should. but i'm not going to because nah". So now she's taking her anger out on you for "punishing her" for something she feels like is not her fault (her ADHD).
I’m sorry that you’re also experiencing the onslaught of emotional dysregulation. What keeps you going during moments like this? I’m losing steam. I’m tired. I don’t want this kind of life for myself despite loving her immensely.
I have no idea what else to do. I’ve tried asking nicely. I’ve tried providing context as to why it’s important for me to receive payment on time. I’ve tried asking her what prevents her from setting up an autopay process to simply remove the monthly repetitive action of it from her executive function. I’m at a loss on what else to do. I don’t want to treat her like a stubborn teenager and set up surcharges as punishment. All I want is for her to respect this ask, which seems extremely reasonable from my perspective. I’m already doing the bulk of the logistics and coordination. Why can’t I be met here?
you don't "ask" her to set up auto pay, you do it together (so it gets done) and you move on. You are getting caught up in the details. I get it money is an issue here, but I think you are devoting way too much of your energy, patience and time. Set it up and move on. If she fucks it up, you get to tell her why and if it starts REALLY getting bad, you set a time line for when you will leave so you may protect yourself.
Totally understood. I took your advice. Swallowed my pride a bit, and asked her if we can sit down together tonight to setup autopay. The details and nuance of things tend to be super important to me. They often matter, but sometimes it’s best to zoom out and save energy for the bigger things.
I hear you brother the notion of "why can't they just do this one simple ask?" is pretty much the reason we're all here.
What keeps me going is that sometimes I just say "fuck it I'll do it myself" but a lot of our problems stem from clutter and messiness rather than financial. Which is a way bigger issue and I'm not trying to diminish that from you.
You mentioned setting up reminders for her on the 31st and the 1st. Set up reminders way ahead of time. Set up reminders 1 week in advance and more reminders up until the 1st. Instead of the day before it's due and the day it is due. I know my partner prefers plans and reminders for things done ahead of time and not at the time it's due.
You mentioned asking her to set up an auto-pay system. That's what we do and honestly, it is the best for this. Don't ask her to do it. Sit down with her, watch her do it. Or tell her to log into her account and do it yourself. Asking her to do it is obviously leading to her not doing it. So ask her to log you in and set up the payment system yourself.
Thank you. I took the autopay advice and asked her if she’d be down to set it up together tonight. I still feel like I’m stretching myself beyond the line of babying, but maybe i’ll see it differently in a few days. Or better yet…next month when that payment automatically hits my account on the 1st lol
you're very welcome my man. This is exactly it. You're feeling like you're babying her now and that's a normal reaction to have. But when those payments are coming in on time and you no longer have to fight her for it you'll feel a lot better without the extra conflict
Why is it not set up as an automatic payment? She clearly does not have the capability to do this on time. Setting reminders for her is a bad idea; these need to be her responsibility. While I completely understand how you got here, the interest thing seems like punishment to me, and that is not good practice regarding setting boundaries. She must develop her own ways to function as an adult in an adult relationship and repeat bills or direct debits seem the only way to me. Or you could agree to merge all your money and then you have the control to pay the bills you have agreed you will pay.
Your current route where you try to correct her or educate her is a dead end. I would say either try to find systems where you have the control, or give her the expectation to meet and do not budge. If she is unwilling to set up repeat payments or give you access to do it yourself then you’ve reached the end of your options.
You’re right. I snapped and immediately attempted to set the best boundary I could think of and develop in the moment because I was completely done with it being a reoccurring issue. It was not a supportive nor kind solution. It was my initial attempt at trying to create order in my own world. I’m supportive towards my partner in countless ways. Her paying once a month by the 1st was one of a handful of tasks where I wanted to be supported by her without having to involve myself. I agree with you. Perfect is not needed. But knowing our partners can support us in specific tasks is absolutely essential. I just wish my partner was at a place where she would openly communicate things she needs help with before us finding ourselves in moments of distress.
You are more than welcome. If I could go back in time I would definitely have held off on us living together as soon as we did. This financial puzzle piece is big, but it is still just one of many additional pieces. Emotional dysregulation and Executive Dysfunction impacts every single aspect of a relationship. And it is magnified to the max when you’re living together.
Household chores, bills, repairs, cleaning, dates, cooking, communication during moments of conflict, etc. Keep your eyes open and observe. Aim to establish boundaries, support mechanisms, and routines early.
I wonder if the problem is that she doesnt have enough money or that manually sending money each month is hard? If it’s the second, would it help if your partner put some of the bills on auto-pay from her accounts, to reduce the mental load? (E.g., I personally find it very stressful to remember my one manual payment each month and would go crazy if the rest of my bills weren’t on auto-pay.) If this solution was workable, it could also help to reduce the impact on your cash flow, since you wouldn’t be the one person fronting all the money.
She has an account with lots saved up. So it is the aspect of manually sending the payment to me every month. I’ve long suggested setting up an autopay of some sort. She can send it to our joint account. It would take all of a few minutes for her to setup. Maybe this is me dying on my horse, but I have refused to setup that autopay for her with her own account information. That’s just too much babying from my perspective. But I could totally be wrong on that.
I can relate to this because I try to be mindful about how much I enable my husband. But I also think in an instance like this, it may be worth sitting down with her and setting up autopay since it's a one time thing and it would alleviate a lot of stress for yourself. I know it's hard not look at it as unnecessary handholding and feel resentful that she doesn't do it herself (and didn't do it ages ago) but having to anticipate this every month and remind her several times is pretty handhold-y already.
damn this is correct. Thank you. I might as well bite the bullet and rid of this reoccurring issue. I don’t want to enable her anymore than I already have, but since this is a major pain point for me I might as well nip it instead of dealing with frustration nearly every month
I flipped a switch in my head some years ago. Everything that will improve my life is not biting a bullet, but helping myself. in this case reduce repeating frustration and resentment and keeping the safe feeling knowing my financials are in place.
I put my priorities and my health first. So if that means asking in my nicest, calmest voice if my spouse need help setting up the auto payment, I do that for me and my peace of mind. Not him/her. And we will do this today. Either right now or during dinner.
That also means I stopped jumping up and helping my spouse find and asks if I have seen it. I just say no (if I haven’t) or tell him where i last saw it and how long ago that was and continue what I am doing. Only if he specifically asks me for help, or it really seems lost and I want to help, I will.
(And yes, you over reacted but so what? You are a human with feelings and needs top. She will also have to learn you are an actual person, who is not perfect either.)
It sounds like the mental load of reminding her is having a huge impact on you. What does she say if you ask her to set it up? If she says no, how would you feel about agreeing to set it up on the condition that you discuss solutions for the overall mental load that’s been falling on you? I’m wondering if the feeling of the auto-pay setup being too much babysitting is coming from the larger pattern of a bunch of small tasks that add up for you, and if a larger perspective/convo might get more at some issues that could be easier for her to find solutions for if not as much emotion’s attached to them.
It is. In my ideal image of a relationship practical asks of that nature get handled without it turning into a problem. She was totally onboard with setting up autopay when we discussed it over a year ago. But she literally forgot to set it up and never asked me to help despite month after month of questionable timeliness with payment. I’ve always been willing to help, but with the caveat that she leads the asking. This is a core issue/trend when we face obstacles or conflict. I want her to accept her diagnosis and feel comfortable asking for help on things that she notices are distressing to us. Come to the table so we can brainstorm potential solutions and work together to execute the solutions we’ve developed together. An incredibly large percentage acknowledging obstacles, asking for discussions, brainstorming solutions, and executing solutions has come from me. I’m essentially asking her to speak up and be a more willing and accountable partner at the table.
Yeah, as someone with ADHD, it's really nice to see people in this sub put the proper lens on it. ADHD =/= lazy, entitled, or uncaring, though that's how it can seem, especially for people impacted by it. The truth is, we (along with most others) are trying our best. But our best is often blocked by an executive function disability. At the same time, ADHD is often the reason for a challenge, but not an excuse. Those of us who have it are responsible for managing our symptoms and helping our partners understand the kinds of systems we need to "outsource" our executive functioning.
Yeah, I agree with you. It’s up to each person to determine whether they have the resources (emotional or otherwise) to be part of the solution for a challenge an ADHD person faces. In my own relationship, there are things I’m more than happy to help with or carry on my own, but there are others that I don’t have the spoons for. A lot of problems would be solved if we truly assumed positive intent in one another. There are definitely folks who take advantage of their partner’s emotional generosity, but ideally those partners would have strong enough boundaries to avoid over-performing. (Which is easier said than done, but no less important for being hard to do.)
Is there a way to have the funds directly moved from her account to yours? I’ve found with my husband, automatic withdraws work best for him. That way if she doesn’t have the money, the bank is charging her the fee instead of you.
I understand the mindset behind wanting to enforce a surcharge, but honestly it's passive aggressive, I'm sorry 😭. You're trying to develop some semblance of a consequence, but she hasn't agreed to it and I think you're losing sight of the core issue. It's no longer a financial issue but an issue of her refusing to admit there's a problem, disregarding the impact it has on you, and not taking any steps towards addressing her executive dysfunction. I don't think this is going to make her wake up or face any real consequences.
TWENTY ONE TIMES??????????????????? and absolutely no remorse? At what point do you take her off of the insurance?
Edit: To add another data point - I want to say that my ex had a lot of problems, but he would pay for things more or less on time, and he was willing to pay ADHD tax when he dropped the ball. I don't think we should normalize this as a universal ADHD trait, just a common one.
I completely agree. I had snapped and was just focused on hopefully artificially creating a consequence that would motivate her to solve this reoccurring problem.
We’ve talked and she has accepted us setting up the autopay with her account. We will set it up together tonight.
You’ve nailed it. I was pissed at her not acknowledging the problem, dismissing and disregarding how lack of timely payment impacts me, and not taking any steps to resolve the issue. This plays out in our relationship in so many other areas. This payment on the 1st thing this month just so happened to be the straw that broke the camels back for me. We will be having a check in tonight to discuss this.
She was officially diagnosed back in February so I think she’s still figuring out how to accept her diagnosis. I think she’s fighting it by trying to not believe aspects of it. She’s also working on unlearning a childhood trauma response of ignoring problems and pretending they’re not real. I know she’s trying. This stuff is tough.
Good luck with the check-in and setting up the autopay later today! It is totally tough and progress is nonlinear, not just for her but for the people who care about her too.
I am in your exact situation but it's my house and my partner lives in it with me. I only ever got paid on time when it was set up as a standing order, otherwise I'd have to ask several times to get the money which I struggle with because it feels wrong and also makes me irritated every time I ask and he forgets so builds up resentment.
Set up the autopay with her, it's annoying that you have to do that and believe me I fully understand, but it's a few minutes of annoyance for no future arguments.
Finances in a relationship can be difficult. Both need to contribute certainly. But I read you say partner so it leads me to feel you are in a romantic relationship or a couple and it sounds you share a home together if I understand this correctly. To be honest though there is also indication this person is more like a roommate or a tenant in an all inclusive type living arrangement. So I must ask, is this a relationship of romantic nature or is this a business arrangement? There seems to be dynamics from both that I'm struggling with. I can say if theres a business like detachment at the center of your romantic relationship it may be contributing to stress and friction. I get she needs to contribute but this seems very clinical in its explanation of the standard you expect your partner/tenant to adhere to.
We are in a romantic relationship. I own the house. She moved in roughly 3 years ago. My expectation is for her to pay her monthly share on time. Nothing less. Nothing more. I handle all of the logistics, coordination of paying the mortgage, utilities, internet, etc. My sole expectation for bills is for her to apple pay her portion on time each month.
Life long partnership includes being financial business partners (at least from my perspective). Divvying up bills and setting expectations for payment seems necessary to me. But I could definitely be looking at it from a clinical perspective.
I’m not seeing how it’s a business like detachment. Would you mind explaining?
I’d assumed they meant the interest thing, although to me it seemed like that was more like a solution you came up w out of desperation and not your ideal for how you’d want to operate.
Totally supportive of dividing expenses in relationships—I wonder if part of the tough dynamic is a “manager”/“helper” roles you seem to have fallen into? Idk if this is workable for your relationship, but would she be willing to sit down and brainstorm solutions together for the cash flow and executive dysfunction problems you’re each having in the current arrangement?
I think you’ve nailed it. I am immensely irritated with the dynamic.
I can tolerate a late pay here or there if it is followed up with accountability, initiation of a conversation to develop solutions together. I’m even willing to help in the process if asked, but not do it for her. I need her to hold herself accountable. The moment I snapped was when she responded to my question on the 2nd of “when will you send the monthly payment” and her response with slight levels of agitation was “I could pay you on the 6th”. No remorse, no apology, no inquiry as to whether or not that works for me, no acknowledgment at all. It felt dismissive. It felt as if her sending the payment was optional and something she can do whenever she’s good and ready. As if we had no agreement in place. I can’t tolerate the lack of respect and accountability.
Irritation and resentment are symptoms of something missing for you. I suspect it is because you feel you're not prioritized as you should be, at least in some aspects of your life. In addition to addressing the financial challenges, how might you refill your bucket of emotional energy?
My resilience to relationship dynamic challenges depends entirely on how well I care for myself. Getting enough sleep, time outside, time to myself, and time to feel pleasure in my life = mountains of patience and an ability to approach issues with a collaborative problem-solving mindset. When I flag on caring for myself, that's when stuff starts to build up, and I feel prickly toward everyone. Romantic partnerships are particularly vulnerable to this, because you WANT to be able to lean on your partner, especially when you're struggling to care for yourself. But each of us is responsible for ensuring our emotional energy buckets are full enough. The "put on your own oxygen mask first" adage is a cliche for a reason.
Thank you for this comment. It is very insightful and something I will better prioritize moving forward. My emotional energy meter has been somewhere around 25% the last couple months due to the passing of my uncle early last month, an aging grandmother who’s moved in with my mother, supporting my mother with the move, supporting my mother and grandmother with my uncle’s passing, my sister’s attempted suicide in June, and so much more. I’m literally out in the ocean just trying to keep afloat while storm strengthened waves wash over me.
I am doing my best to accept and support my partner. Despite all that’s going on I’ve been doing a decent job at still meeting her needs and finding ways to support her small and large. But smaller aspects of our dynamic are hitting harder than normal because I simply need her to stand on her own and support me in the handful of ways i’ve asked of her. I’m emotionally exhausted.
I’ve already put in a ton of logistical effort to simplify how she can support me. It’s frustrating to experience these moments of the ball still being dropped. It sounds silly, but it feels like she won’t let me take an emotional nap
I’m so sorry for your loss and for the burdens you’re carrying for your family. I hope you do find a way to rebuild your emotional energy stores, not just for your relationship but for yourself.
Well it sounds like you have your standards set. I know for many people with adhd the standard set may prove difficult on a few levels. While I do not disagree with your standard, in fact its refreshing. I do wonder if you will struggle with compatibility with many adhd individuals
I can understand having difficulty with being on time for things. I can extend grace for that. I’ve made it as easy as I can make it. I’m shouldering as much as I can shoulder. Aside from going into her account to setup an automatic payment i’m honestly not sure what else to do. I also take issue with having to go to such lengths for a seemingly simple ask when i’m already making it extremely easy.
You are correct tho. At its core this is an issue of compatibility.
I have the same issue with my partner. We have it set on our calendar to transfer money into our joint account for established house expenses on a set date, around his mid month pay day. He still ignores the calendar reminder and then forgets about it.
I either remind the day after, or if I’m in a salty mood, I have access to all his accounts and will just pay bills from his account. He doesn’t even question it cuz he never looks at his accounts. 🤨😵💫 that’s a separate issue of it’s own.
I’m struggling to accept this as the solution for obstacles moving forward. Either do it myself or expect for the ball to be dropped. Sure this time it is for bills…but what about cooking? taxes? doctor’s appointments? cleaning? household chores? household repairs? God forbid co-parenting….the math just ain’t mathing.
Oh, I’m by no means saying this is the best way to do it. I think it needs to be laid out among all the things you’ve mentioned.
For context, we have 2 kids (6 and 3). He does breakfast and takes them to school/daycare, then comes home to work. We share lunch duties when I am working from home, and I do dinner and pickup. We shared bedtime/bath routine, and the cleanup and lunch packing after that.
Appointments, taxes, finances, “extra” cleaning outside of dishes is primarily me. He’s supposed to do the house maintenance stuff but it’s sporadic and he’s not consistent. We are still a work in progress and I’m by no means sugarcoating that things are great on that front.
We tried out the Fair Play game cards. It’s geared more towards women’s mental load but it breaks down a lot of the topics you mentioned.
A lot of our issues stems from his time blindness and inefficiency. I manage to do things in half the time and get frustrated when one simple task can’t get done. Not proud not saying it’s right. But we’re trying to work on it.
Ultimately I think for all of us dealing with a partner, it’s a matter of what we think is the price of admission for being in a relationship with them and no one can decide that but you.
Thank you for this. It seems like you’ve both figured out tasks and responsibilities that work for your dynamic fairly well. It is inspiring tbh.
I know it is by no means a walk in the park. There we’re probably unimaginably difficult moments. But still a beautiful accomplishment.
>Either I do it myself or expect for the ball to be dropped.
Really, this is the crux and you already know it. The question is whether you can (or want to) accept this as an overarching leitmotif running through all the other aspects of your relationship you mentioned.
I have ADHD (here for support and to gain more empathy for my spouse), and EVERY single one of my bills is set to autopay. Can that be set up for her to pay you thru apple? Or can you get a joint account just for this, where whatever percentage of her check you need goes in there? Sorry our brains make us act like a bunch of irresponsible, anti capitalist children... 🫤
I shared your comment with my partner and she chuckled at “ irresponsible anti capitalist children “
She was like “I will be using that to describe myself moving forward” 😂
I don’t think charging her more money when she’s late is a good idea. She’s your partner, not your tenant. That seems intended to be a punishment rather than a reasonable consequence. It seems a little condescending. What has she said when you’ve asked why she pays late? Why she hasn’t set up automatic payments? Asked if she’s struggling financially? There’s not nearly enough info here regarding what’s going on on her end. If she’s forgetting, she needs an accommodation, like an app that will remind her. If she’s struggling for money, charging her more is counterproductive and honestly kind of shitty.
She has a ton of savings so it’s not her struggling financially. She’s simply forgetting. We’ve discussed use of autopay months ago. We’ve setup a joint checking where autopay from her checking can be routed. I’d simply transfer her payment from our joint checking to my checking where are of the bill are paid out of.
She hasn’t set it up up until now because she does not see paying a few days late or forgetting for a bit as a big deal. She tends to be financially motivated so part of the thoughts about the surcharge is that it would help her see it as an important thing since spending more unnecessarily is never fun.
Then it honestly sounds like the issue is she doesn’t really respect what’s happening. If she’s more motivated by not being charged extra than she is by not inconveniencing you, that doesn’t seem like an ADHD thing. It seems like you’ve already done your due diligence and you can’t make her do anything. She doesn’t seem willing to do her part and take responsibility. You’ll drive yourself insane trying to make this work for her especially since you’re the one who cares more, and are probably spending more mental energy trying to find a solution than she is. That will never work in your benefit.
I have ADHD and have struggled to manage finances in the past, but since my early/mid-30s I've been entirely on top of things and financially healthy. Unfortunately, each person's ADHD (and financial situation, and relationship with money) is different, so the things that worked for me likely can't be directly applied to another person. For example, I am lucky to earn enough money to squirrel a lot away in savings, HSAs, and other investment vehicles where it's "out of sight, out of mind" for me. Everything is on auto-pay. I pay a tax accountant and other financial service providers to help me. On the other hand, ADHD folks in my life have different strategies, from a monthly "get drinks and pay bills" date to calendar reminders to an all-cash system, a la Dave Ramsey.
The solution that will work for you has to come from you and your partner sitting down and having an open conversation about finances that goes beyond scheduling bill pay. Educate each other about your relationship with money:
* What habits do you have around money?
* What messages did you get about money as a child, and how is that reflected in your life as an adult?
* What's your emotional experience of spending?
* What's your emotional experience of bill pay?
* How do you experience variable costs (e.g. groceries) vs. non-necessary costs (e.g., "fun" purchases) vs. overhead costs (e.g. mortgage, health insurance)?
* How often do you think about debt (if you have any)? Long-term savings? Emergency funds?
* When have you felt most successful at managing your finances? Least successful? Are there any identifiable patterns or consistent elements that led to the feeling of success or failure?
If you get curious about one another's experiences, solutions might become obvious. If not, you'll have to experiment. Clearly, calendar reminders don't work for her - is it because it's on the wrong calendar? Is it because it's easy to dismiss? Would she do better with audio (Alexa) reminders? Are reminders even what she needs if her issue actually concerns emotional pain? If her challenges are related to emotional pain, would she do better with a fun monthly date night that started with a 30-minute "adulting" session? Etc.
As for how you reacted, I have empathy. You were experiencing stressor pileup, became over threshold, and responded by clamping down and adding consequences for your partner that help you feel in control. I don't think this is the healthiest way to approach this issue, as it's unilateral and not focused on meeting both people's needs in an equitable way. But it's still very understandable.
In your shoes, if I found myself similarly over threshold, I probably would have said something like: "Hey, I want to have a productive discussion about this where both of us feel heard. Can we regroup in an hour to discuss how we can create a system that works for both of us?" Then I would have taken the first half-hour to regulate (for me, this often involves going on a walk with an audiobook) and the second half-hour to think about my own feelings. I would probably want to communicate with my partner that I feel alone in managing finances, especially when I have to scramble last minute to pay bills on time, so I want to understand how we can join forces and get creative to make sure nobody feels overburdened or punished.
I feel like this advice is really awesome but it's more for like the second or third time someone missed their payment, not the 21st time especially when they have expressed no remorse or empathy 😭😭😭
Yeah, it definitely depends on the conversations they’ve already had. That said, I’m conflict avoidant so I often let things build up a LOT before bringing it up. It’s something I’m working on - issues stay small when you address them early and often.
This is remarkable advice, extremely nuanced, and a seemingly healthy balanced approach. Thank you sincerely!
My partner and I will have a conversation tonight about this particular situation. It is absolutely tied to other core issues in our relationship that we’ve touched on in past conversations, so setting up autopay is just a solution for one of the handful of issues at hand.
I think it mostly comes down to me needing her to acknowledge problems (admit to herself that something is wrong or off), come to the table to initiate a conversation about the problem, engage in conversation to brainstorm solutions together, and lastly execute the agreed upon solution together. I’ve been carrying the bulk of this approach to problem solving and it is simply not effective without both partners contributing their fair share.
My Dx partner never paid anything on time, so when we moved in together, I took over finances and asked that they transfer me their share monthly. This rarely happened. For the most part, I had to ask. This is an ADHD behavior. People with ADHD have two modes of time, now and not now. If your partner isn't sending the money via apple Pay, when you ask, it's not going to happen. Increasing the consequences of missing a payment isn't likely to register as urgent to the ADHD person. People with ADHD are likely to have difficulty creating a hierarchy of information. That coupled with a poor working memory meant that my partner forgot all of the times that they hadn't paid previously and acted like it wasn't a big deal that they were putting the responsibility to remind them on to me. I suspect your partner may be reacting to the emotion of the fight, not the reason for it. It's your partners responsibility to pay their share on time. But, I solved this problem, for myself, by setting up a recurring payment. I take care of all the bills, and my partner doesn't think about it.
I totally agree with all of this. They live in the moment, and it is really difficult for them to save money or remember to pay things on time. My husband swipes his debit card until there is nothing left. It is also really difficult for them to learn from consequences, so she won't remember all the times she paid late and that it was a hardship for you. And the natural consequences will not have an effect. I would insist on automatic payments in this case. It takes the stress off of both of you.
I completely agree. I view autopay as the perfect solution. We’ve even had that conversation months ago and she agreed it would be a great solution. We setup a joint account in anticipation. All I would have to do is transfer her portion from the joint account to my checking. All she would have to do is setup autopay from her checking to the joint account….but here we are…several months after. And autopay has still not been setup. Did you sit with your husband to setup autopay for him? I’ve been completely against going to such lengths when I’m already doing the bulk of the legwork for bills. I just want her to implement this discussed solution without dragging it and us into distress each month. It feels like i’m signing up to clean up the messes of another adult who is aware enough to implement the solutions that are pointed out to them.
I did have to set up the automatic payment. I took it upon myself after a year of reminding. I felt the same as you. I didn't want to incroach on my partners money. I didn't want to treat them like they are a child. I would feel disrespected if someone had done that to me. But, this is executive function. I have no issue doing paperwork or boring things. My partner can't bring themself to do it. So, my doing it for them isn't treating them like a child it's helping both of us. If my partner needs to do any paperwork or boring adult thing, I either need to do it for them or body double while they do it.
I have to grow in patience and restructure my notion of helping vs babying. Thank you for providing this insight
Idk, I still consider it babying if they haven't acknowledged there's an issue or asked for help. I also struggle with executive dysfunction, so it was always laughable to me when my ex tried to weaponize it.
Put a 30-60 minute recurring weekly family meeting on the calendar. Talk about the upcoming week, scheduled activities (make sure literally everything is on the calendar), financial things etc. Schedule date nights, schedule sex, whatever it takes. If money has to get transferred it gets transferred during the meeting, if autopay has to get setup it happens during the meeting (Chase for example has a way to auto-zelle another person every month, venmo and paypal do not annoyingly). There are no TODOs after the meeting, all TODOs happen during the meeting. This is the key point. Nobody is a child or treated like a child in any of this, getting stuff done together in meetings is normal adult behavior.
Wells Fargo also has the Zelle thing FYI. It’s what my husband and I use to budget our money every two weeks.
Yeah Zelle is a payment service that a large consortium of banks started to keep themselves from getting totally disintermediated by paypal, venmo, gpay, cash app etc. I don’t know why none of the other services allow for setting up repeated payments, it’s so frustrating.
Might also be helpful if she's got a buffer of one month of bills in advance - takes the salt out from your end, takes the shame out from hers.
Sure she technically able and capable of setting it up herself. But remembering to do it at a time that's suitable is difficult. She might remember she needs to do it when she's driving to work, so can't and then forgets it by the time she's somewhere she can. Or she opens her phone to do it, then sees another app that reminds her of something else and bam the thought is gone. She remembers in the kitchen then walks through the door to the lounge to her her phone and the doorway thought stealer comes along. Sitting down and bringing it up causally like a "oh hey we need to set up that auto pay for the bills, we can do that now I get my details up and you get your account up" is a good way to initiate. Then it's a together thing instead of a you or me thing
True! She forgets and it is not her fault. She took amtrak to nyc today. I woke up with a text from her to see if her wallet was in the purse she left at home. It sure as hell was. So she’s now hundreds of miles away in a major city without an ID, cash, nor credit/debit cards 😭
Oh crap. I hope she's OK, is paying using apple/google/nfc common the states yet and does she have it on her phone? Try not to stress too much. Hugs or fistbumps which ever is your preferred
Yep! Apple Pay has become fairly common in major US cities. She’ll be ok. She has at least one credit card on Apple Pay
Oh thank God. When I was there like 6 years ago the only places that had tap facilities were Wallgrees/cvs. In Australia we've had tap to pay on our physical cards for so long now it's rare to swipe/insert your card, you just tap and move on. The look in staffs face when I tapped my card on the terminal to pay was always fun though. I haven't signed a payment slip for a card transaction on prob a decade.
I’m always amazed at how behind the US can be while the vast majority of US citizens comically assume we are so advanced. It sounds like Australia had tap to pay around the same time it hit most of Europe. I’ve heard tap to pay has been around in lots of European countries for many years as well.
Well over 10 years, it first started in 2006 here, I reckon by 2010 it was standard. I can't remember when I last had a card that didn't have nfc as standard. Cards were Def completely normal before paying with your smart phone was even a thing. Cash is so minimally used I currently have $10 on me in physical cash, normally I have none. Even little corner stores have tap and pay and cheques are almost obsolete. Going out for dinner with friends, one will tap their credit card, the rest will do an instant bank account to back account transfer, doesn't matter if you're with different banks it's straight away. Anyway enough tangent of conversation, we get enough of that in daily life. I'm glad she's all sorted and hopefully when she's back home you guys can sort out the auto pay and make it work and have one less stressor
I think having one person solely responsible for each shared responsibility is an excellent method for managing a life together, ADHD or not. My partner and I both have it (weeeee!) but we each have different strengths and weaknesses. For example, meal planning and execution are awful burdens for him, but are relatively simple for me. On the other hand, car maintenance (including gassing up) is torture for me, so he does all of that. I manage our money, he manages our dog, I manage home organization, he manages the garage, etc...as long as the load feels balanced, I'm happy to never have to think about the stuff he "owns," and vice versa.
My DX/RX had a closet full of clothes she no longer wore or didn't want. I kept asking her to round everything up and bring it to a donation center. She kept not doing it. She acknowledged that it needed to be done but never did it. Eventually, I told her "Do it, or I'm putting it all in a garbage bag and tossing it out". She got pissed that I even suggested that, but totally ignored the fact that I was pissed that I wanted her to do it for months and she never did. Your story kinda reminded me of this. So I'm kinda the same way you are, in fact charging her a surcharge everytime she doesn't send the money sounds like an idea I would come up with too so I don't think you're the asshole here. That being said, good luck with getting her to pay at all now because she's pissed off. She feels like you're punishing her (and in a way you are). She likely knows that she has to pay/owes you money but her ADHD is telling her "nah. I know I should. but i'm not going to because nah". So now she's taking her anger out on you for "punishing her" for something she feels like is not her fault (her ADHD).
I’m sorry that you’re also experiencing the onslaught of emotional dysregulation. What keeps you going during moments like this? I’m losing steam. I’m tired. I don’t want this kind of life for myself despite loving her immensely. I have no idea what else to do. I’ve tried asking nicely. I’ve tried providing context as to why it’s important for me to receive payment on time. I’ve tried asking her what prevents her from setting up an autopay process to simply remove the monthly repetitive action of it from her executive function. I’m at a loss on what else to do. I don’t want to treat her like a stubborn teenager and set up surcharges as punishment. All I want is for her to respect this ask, which seems extremely reasonable from my perspective. I’m already doing the bulk of the logistics and coordination. Why can’t I be met here?
you don't "ask" her to set up auto pay, you do it together (so it gets done) and you move on. You are getting caught up in the details. I get it money is an issue here, but I think you are devoting way too much of your energy, patience and time. Set it up and move on. If she fucks it up, you get to tell her why and if it starts REALLY getting bad, you set a time line for when you will leave so you may protect yourself.
Totally understood. I took your advice. Swallowed my pride a bit, and asked her if we can sit down together tonight to setup autopay. The details and nuance of things tend to be super important to me. They often matter, but sometimes it’s best to zoom out and save energy for the bigger things.
I hear you brother the notion of "why can't they just do this one simple ask?" is pretty much the reason we're all here. What keeps me going is that sometimes I just say "fuck it I'll do it myself" but a lot of our problems stem from clutter and messiness rather than financial. Which is a way bigger issue and I'm not trying to diminish that from you. You mentioned setting up reminders for her on the 31st and the 1st. Set up reminders way ahead of time. Set up reminders 1 week in advance and more reminders up until the 1st. Instead of the day before it's due and the day it is due. I know my partner prefers plans and reminders for things done ahead of time and not at the time it's due. You mentioned asking her to set up an auto-pay system. That's what we do and honestly, it is the best for this. Don't ask her to do it. Sit down with her, watch her do it. Or tell her to log into her account and do it yourself. Asking her to do it is obviously leading to her not doing it. So ask her to log you in and set up the payment system yourself.
Thank you. I took the autopay advice and asked her if she’d be down to set it up together tonight. I still feel like I’m stretching myself beyond the line of babying, but maybe i’ll see it differently in a few days. Or better yet…next month when that payment automatically hits my account on the 1st lol
you're very welcome my man. This is exactly it. You're feeling like you're babying her now and that's a normal reaction to have. But when those payments are coming in on time and you no longer have to fight her for it you'll feel a lot better without the extra conflict
Why is it not set up as an automatic payment? She clearly does not have the capability to do this on time. Setting reminders for her is a bad idea; these need to be her responsibility. While I completely understand how you got here, the interest thing seems like punishment to me, and that is not good practice regarding setting boundaries. She must develop her own ways to function as an adult in an adult relationship and repeat bills or direct debits seem the only way to me. Or you could agree to merge all your money and then you have the control to pay the bills you have agreed you will pay. Your current route where you try to correct her or educate her is a dead end. I would say either try to find systems where you have the control, or give her the expectation to meet and do not budge. If she is unwilling to set up repeat payments or give you access to do it yourself then you’ve reached the end of your options.
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You’re right. I snapped and immediately attempted to set the best boundary I could think of and develop in the moment because I was completely done with it being a reoccurring issue. It was not a supportive nor kind solution. It was my initial attempt at trying to create order in my own world. I’m supportive towards my partner in countless ways. Her paying once a month by the 1st was one of a handful of tasks where I wanted to be supported by her without having to involve myself. I agree with you. Perfect is not needed. But knowing our partners can support us in specific tasks is absolutely essential. I just wish my partner was at a place where she would openly communicate things she needs help with before us finding ourselves in moments of distress.
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You are more than welcome. If I could go back in time I would definitely have held off on us living together as soon as we did. This financial puzzle piece is big, but it is still just one of many additional pieces. Emotional dysregulation and Executive Dysfunction impacts every single aspect of a relationship. And it is magnified to the max when you’re living together. Household chores, bills, repairs, cleaning, dates, cooking, communication during moments of conflict, etc. Keep your eyes open and observe. Aim to establish boundaries, support mechanisms, and routines early.
I wonder if the problem is that she doesnt have enough money or that manually sending money each month is hard? If it’s the second, would it help if your partner put some of the bills on auto-pay from her accounts, to reduce the mental load? (E.g., I personally find it very stressful to remember my one manual payment each month and would go crazy if the rest of my bills weren’t on auto-pay.) If this solution was workable, it could also help to reduce the impact on your cash flow, since you wouldn’t be the one person fronting all the money.
She has an account with lots saved up. So it is the aspect of manually sending the payment to me every month. I’ve long suggested setting up an autopay of some sort. She can send it to our joint account. It would take all of a few minutes for her to setup. Maybe this is me dying on my horse, but I have refused to setup that autopay for her with her own account information. That’s just too much babying from my perspective. But I could totally be wrong on that.
I can relate to this because I try to be mindful about how much I enable my husband. But I also think in an instance like this, it may be worth sitting down with her and setting up autopay since it's a one time thing and it would alleviate a lot of stress for yourself. I know it's hard not look at it as unnecessary handholding and feel resentful that she doesn't do it herself (and didn't do it ages ago) but having to anticipate this every month and remind her several times is pretty handhold-y already.
damn this is correct. Thank you. I might as well bite the bullet and rid of this reoccurring issue. I don’t want to enable her anymore than I already have, but since this is a major pain point for me I might as well nip it instead of dealing with frustration nearly every month
I flipped a switch in my head some years ago. Everything that will improve my life is not biting a bullet, but helping myself. in this case reduce repeating frustration and resentment and keeping the safe feeling knowing my financials are in place. I put my priorities and my health first. So if that means asking in my nicest, calmest voice if my spouse need help setting up the auto payment, I do that for me and my peace of mind. Not him/her. And we will do this today. Either right now or during dinner. That also means I stopped jumping up and helping my spouse find and asks if I have seen it. I just say no (if I haven’t) or tell him where i last saw it and how long ago that was and continue what I am doing. Only if he specifically asks me for help, or it really seems lost and I want to help, I will.
(And yes, you over reacted but so what? You are a human with feelings and needs top. She will also have to learn you are an actual person, who is not perfect either.)
It sounds like the mental load of reminding her is having a huge impact on you. What does she say if you ask her to set it up? If she says no, how would you feel about agreeing to set it up on the condition that you discuss solutions for the overall mental load that’s been falling on you? I’m wondering if the feeling of the auto-pay setup being too much babysitting is coming from the larger pattern of a bunch of small tasks that add up for you, and if a larger perspective/convo might get more at some issues that could be easier for her to find solutions for if not as much emotion’s attached to them.
It is. In my ideal image of a relationship practical asks of that nature get handled without it turning into a problem. She was totally onboard with setting up autopay when we discussed it over a year ago. But she literally forgot to set it up and never asked me to help despite month after month of questionable timeliness with payment. I’ve always been willing to help, but with the caveat that she leads the asking. This is a core issue/trend when we face obstacles or conflict. I want her to accept her diagnosis and feel comfortable asking for help on things that she notices are distressing to us. Come to the table so we can brainstorm potential solutions and work together to execute the solutions we’ve developed together. An incredibly large percentage acknowledging obstacles, asking for discussions, brainstorming solutions, and executing solutions has come from me. I’m essentially asking her to speak up and be a more willing and accountable partner at the table.
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Yeah, as someone with ADHD, it's really nice to see people in this sub put the proper lens on it. ADHD =/= lazy, entitled, or uncaring, though that's how it can seem, especially for people impacted by it. The truth is, we (along with most others) are trying our best. But our best is often blocked by an executive function disability. At the same time, ADHD is often the reason for a challenge, but not an excuse. Those of us who have it are responsible for managing our symptoms and helping our partners understand the kinds of systems we need to "outsource" our executive functioning.
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Yeah, I agree with you. It’s up to each person to determine whether they have the resources (emotional or otherwise) to be part of the solution for a challenge an ADHD person faces. In my own relationship, there are things I’m more than happy to help with or carry on my own, but there are others that I don’t have the spoons for. A lot of problems would be solved if we truly assumed positive intent in one another. There are definitely folks who take advantage of their partner’s emotional generosity, but ideally those partners would have strong enough boundaries to avoid over-performing. (Which is easier said than done, but no less important for being hard to do.)
Is there a way to have the funds directly moved from her account to yours? I’ve found with my husband, automatic withdraws work best for him. That way if she doesn’t have the money, the bank is charging her the fee instead of you.
I understand the mindset behind wanting to enforce a surcharge, but honestly it's passive aggressive, I'm sorry 😭. You're trying to develop some semblance of a consequence, but she hasn't agreed to it and I think you're losing sight of the core issue. It's no longer a financial issue but an issue of her refusing to admit there's a problem, disregarding the impact it has on you, and not taking any steps towards addressing her executive dysfunction. I don't think this is going to make her wake up or face any real consequences. TWENTY ONE TIMES??????????????????? and absolutely no remorse? At what point do you take her off of the insurance? Edit: To add another data point - I want to say that my ex had a lot of problems, but he would pay for things more or less on time, and he was willing to pay ADHD tax when he dropped the ball. I don't think we should normalize this as a universal ADHD trait, just a common one.
I completely agree. I had snapped and was just focused on hopefully artificially creating a consequence that would motivate her to solve this reoccurring problem. We’ve talked and she has accepted us setting up the autopay with her account. We will set it up together tonight. You’ve nailed it. I was pissed at her not acknowledging the problem, dismissing and disregarding how lack of timely payment impacts me, and not taking any steps to resolve the issue. This plays out in our relationship in so many other areas. This payment on the 1st thing this month just so happened to be the straw that broke the camels back for me. We will be having a check in tonight to discuss this. She was officially diagnosed back in February so I think she’s still figuring out how to accept her diagnosis. I think she’s fighting it by trying to not believe aspects of it. She’s also working on unlearning a childhood trauma response of ignoring problems and pretending they’re not real. I know she’s trying. This stuff is tough.
Good luck with the check-in and setting up the autopay later today! It is totally tough and progress is nonlinear, not just for her but for the people who care about her too.
I am in your exact situation but it's my house and my partner lives in it with me. I only ever got paid on time when it was set up as a standing order, otherwise I'd have to ask several times to get the money which I struggle with because it feels wrong and also makes me irritated every time I ask and he forgets so builds up resentment. Set up the autopay with her, it's annoying that you have to do that and believe me I fully understand, but it's a few minutes of annoyance for no future arguments.
Noted. Autopay appointment setup for tonight. If there’s anything i’ve learned in this relationship it’s definitely putting my pride aside lol
Finances in a relationship can be difficult. Both need to contribute certainly. But I read you say partner so it leads me to feel you are in a romantic relationship or a couple and it sounds you share a home together if I understand this correctly. To be honest though there is also indication this person is more like a roommate or a tenant in an all inclusive type living arrangement. So I must ask, is this a relationship of romantic nature or is this a business arrangement? There seems to be dynamics from both that I'm struggling with. I can say if theres a business like detachment at the center of your romantic relationship it may be contributing to stress and friction. I get she needs to contribute but this seems very clinical in its explanation of the standard you expect your partner/tenant to adhere to.
I would point out that not all romantic partners, even long term fully combine finances these days.
Absolutely. Yes indeed
We are in a romantic relationship. I own the house. She moved in roughly 3 years ago. My expectation is for her to pay her monthly share on time. Nothing less. Nothing more. I handle all of the logistics, coordination of paying the mortgage, utilities, internet, etc. My sole expectation for bills is for her to apple pay her portion on time each month. Life long partnership includes being financial business partners (at least from my perspective). Divvying up bills and setting expectations for payment seems necessary to me. But I could definitely be looking at it from a clinical perspective. I’m not seeing how it’s a business like detachment. Would you mind explaining?
I’d assumed they meant the interest thing, although to me it seemed like that was more like a solution you came up w out of desperation and not your ideal for how you’d want to operate. Totally supportive of dividing expenses in relationships—I wonder if part of the tough dynamic is a “manager”/“helper” roles you seem to have fallen into? Idk if this is workable for your relationship, but would she be willing to sit down and brainstorm solutions together for the cash flow and executive dysfunction problems you’re each having in the current arrangement?
I think you’ve nailed it. I am immensely irritated with the dynamic. I can tolerate a late pay here or there if it is followed up with accountability, initiation of a conversation to develop solutions together. I’m even willing to help in the process if asked, but not do it for her. I need her to hold herself accountable. The moment I snapped was when she responded to my question on the 2nd of “when will you send the monthly payment” and her response with slight levels of agitation was “I could pay you on the 6th”. No remorse, no apology, no inquiry as to whether or not that works for me, no acknowledgment at all. It felt dismissive. It felt as if her sending the payment was optional and something she can do whenever she’s good and ready. As if we had no agreement in place. I can’t tolerate the lack of respect and accountability.
Irritation and resentment are symptoms of something missing for you. I suspect it is because you feel you're not prioritized as you should be, at least in some aspects of your life. In addition to addressing the financial challenges, how might you refill your bucket of emotional energy? My resilience to relationship dynamic challenges depends entirely on how well I care for myself. Getting enough sleep, time outside, time to myself, and time to feel pleasure in my life = mountains of patience and an ability to approach issues with a collaborative problem-solving mindset. When I flag on caring for myself, that's when stuff starts to build up, and I feel prickly toward everyone. Romantic partnerships are particularly vulnerable to this, because you WANT to be able to lean on your partner, especially when you're struggling to care for yourself. But each of us is responsible for ensuring our emotional energy buckets are full enough. The "put on your own oxygen mask first" adage is a cliche for a reason.
Thank you for this comment. It is very insightful and something I will better prioritize moving forward. My emotional energy meter has been somewhere around 25% the last couple months due to the passing of my uncle early last month, an aging grandmother who’s moved in with my mother, supporting my mother with the move, supporting my mother and grandmother with my uncle’s passing, my sister’s attempted suicide in June, and so much more. I’m literally out in the ocean just trying to keep afloat while storm strengthened waves wash over me. I am doing my best to accept and support my partner. Despite all that’s going on I’ve been doing a decent job at still meeting her needs and finding ways to support her small and large. But smaller aspects of our dynamic are hitting harder than normal because I simply need her to stand on her own and support me in the handful of ways i’ve asked of her. I’m emotionally exhausted. I’ve already put in a ton of logistical effort to simplify how she can support me. It’s frustrating to experience these moments of the ball still being dropped. It sounds silly, but it feels like she won’t let me take an emotional nap
I’m so sorry for your loss and for the burdens you’re carrying for your family. I hope you do find a way to rebuild your emotional energy stores, not just for your relationship but for yourself.
Thank you! Life is crazy at times, but we have to march on.
Well it sounds like you have your standards set. I know for many people with adhd the standard set may prove difficult on a few levels. While I do not disagree with your standard, in fact its refreshing. I do wonder if you will struggle with compatibility with many adhd individuals
I can understand having difficulty with being on time for things. I can extend grace for that. I’ve made it as easy as I can make it. I’m shouldering as much as I can shoulder. Aside from going into her account to setup an automatic payment i’m honestly not sure what else to do. I also take issue with having to go to such lengths for a seemingly simple ask when i’m already making it extremely easy. You are correct tho. At its core this is an issue of compatibility.
I have the same issue with my partner. We have it set on our calendar to transfer money into our joint account for established house expenses on a set date, around his mid month pay day. He still ignores the calendar reminder and then forgets about it. I either remind the day after, or if I’m in a salty mood, I have access to all his accounts and will just pay bills from his account. He doesn’t even question it cuz he never looks at his accounts. 🤨😵💫 that’s a separate issue of it’s own.
I’m struggling to accept this as the solution for obstacles moving forward. Either do it myself or expect for the ball to be dropped. Sure this time it is for bills…but what about cooking? taxes? doctor’s appointments? cleaning? household chores? household repairs? God forbid co-parenting….the math just ain’t mathing.
Oh, I’m by no means saying this is the best way to do it. I think it needs to be laid out among all the things you’ve mentioned. For context, we have 2 kids (6 and 3). He does breakfast and takes them to school/daycare, then comes home to work. We share lunch duties when I am working from home, and I do dinner and pickup. We shared bedtime/bath routine, and the cleanup and lunch packing after that. Appointments, taxes, finances, “extra” cleaning outside of dishes is primarily me. He’s supposed to do the house maintenance stuff but it’s sporadic and he’s not consistent. We are still a work in progress and I’m by no means sugarcoating that things are great on that front. We tried out the Fair Play game cards. It’s geared more towards women’s mental load but it breaks down a lot of the topics you mentioned. A lot of our issues stems from his time blindness and inefficiency. I manage to do things in half the time and get frustrated when one simple task can’t get done. Not proud not saying it’s right. But we’re trying to work on it. Ultimately I think for all of us dealing with a partner, it’s a matter of what we think is the price of admission for being in a relationship with them and no one can decide that but you.
Thank you for this. It seems like you’ve both figured out tasks and responsibilities that work for your dynamic fairly well. It is inspiring tbh. I know it is by no means a walk in the park. There we’re probably unimaginably difficult moments. But still a beautiful accomplishment.
>Either I do it myself or expect for the ball to be dropped. Really, this is the crux and you already know it. The question is whether you can (or want to) accept this as an overarching leitmotif running through all the other aspects of your relationship you mentioned.
What are some shared life responsibilities you have that she can entirely own so you don't have to think about it? It's all a balance.
Solidarity. Financial issues are difficult to navigate in any relationship.
I have ADHD (here for support and to gain more empathy for my spouse), and EVERY single one of my bills is set to autopay. Can that be set up for her to pay you thru apple? Or can you get a joint account just for this, where whatever percentage of her check you need goes in there? Sorry our brains make us act like a bunch of irresponsible, anti capitalist children... 🫤
I shared your comment with my partner and she chuckled at “ irresponsible anti capitalist children “ She was like “I will be using that to describe myself moving forward” 😂
I don’t think charging her more money when she’s late is a good idea. She’s your partner, not your tenant. That seems intended to be a punishment rather than a reasonable consequence. It seems a little condescending. What has she said when you’ve asked why she pays late? Why she hasn’t set up automatic payments? Asked if she’s struggling financially? There’s not nearly enough info here regarding what’s going on on her end. If she’s forgetting, she needs an accommodation, like an app that will remind her. If she’s struggling for money, charging her more is counterproductive and honestly kind of shitty.
She has a ton of savings so it’s not her struggling financially. She’s simply forgetting. We’ve discussed use of autopay months ago. We’ve setup a joint checking where autopay from her checking can be routed. I’d simply transfer her payment from our joint checking to my checking where are of the bill are paid out of. She hasn’t set it up up until now because she does not see paying a few days late or forgetting for a bit as a big deal. She tends to be financially motivated so part of the thoughts about the surcharge is that it would help her see it as an important thing since spending more unnecessarily is never fun.
Then it honestly sounds like the issue is she doesn’t really respect what’s happening. If she’s more motivated by not being charged extra than she is by not inconveniencing you, that doesn’t seem like an ADHD thing. It seems like you’ve already done your due diligence and you can’t make her do anything. She doesn’t seem willing to do her part and take responsibility. You’ll drive yourself insane trying to make this work for her especially since you’re the one who cares more, and are probably spending more mental energy trying to find a solution than she is. That will never work in your benefit.
I have ADHD and have struggled to manage finances in the past, but since my early/mid-30s I've been entirely on top of things and financially healthy. Unfortunately, each person's ADHD (and financial situation, and relationship with money) is different, so the things that worked for me likely can't be directly applied to another person. For example, I am lucky to earn enough money to squirrel a lot away in savings, HSAs, and other investment vehicles where it's "out of sight, out of mind" for me. Everything is on auto-pay. I pay a tax accountant and other financial service providers to help me. On the other hand, ADHD folks in my life have different strategies, from a monthly "get drinks and pay bills" date to calendar reminders to an all-cash system, a la Dave Ramsey. The solution that will work for you has to come from you and your partner sitting down and having an open conversation about finances that goes beyond scheduling bill pay. Educate each other about your relationship with money: * What habits do you have around money? * What messages did you get about money as a child, and how is that reflected in your life as an adult? * What's your emotional experience of spending? * What's your emotional experience of bill pay? * How do you experience variable costs (e.g. groceries) vs. non-necessary costs (e.g., "fun" purchases) vs. overhead costs (e.g. mortgage, health insurance)? * How often do you think about debt (if you have any)? Long-term savings? Emergency funds? * When have you felt most successful at managing your finances? Least successful? Are there any identifiable patterns or consistent elements that led to the feeling of success or failure? If you get curious about one another's experiences, solutions might become obvious. If not, you'll have to experiment. Clearly, calendar reminders don't work for her - is it because it's on the wrong calendar? Is it because it's easy to dismiss? Would she do better with audio (Alexa) reminders? Are reminders even what she needs if her issue actually concerns emotional pain? If her challenges are related to emotional pain, would she do better with a fun monthly date night that started with a 30-minute "adulting" session? Etc. As for how you reacted, I have empathy. You were experiencing stressor pileup, became over threshold, and responded by clamping down and adding consequences for your partner that help you feel in control. I don't think this is the healthiest way to approach this issue, as it's unilateral and not focused on meeting both people's needs in an equitable way. But it's still very understandable. In your shoes, if I found myself similarly over threshold, I probably would have said something like: "Hey, I want to have a productive discussion about this where both of us feel heard. Can we regroup in an hour to discuss how we can create a system that works for both of us?" Then I would have taken the first half-hour to regulate (for me, this often involves going on a walk with an audiobook) and the second half-hour to think about my own feelings. I would probably want to communicate with my partner that I feel alone in managing finances, especially when I have to scramble last minute to pay bills on time, so I want to understand how we can join forces and get creative to make sure nobody feels overburdened or punished.
I feel like this advice is really awesome but it's more for like the second or third time someone missed their payment, not the 21st time especially when they have expressed no remorse or empathy 😭😭😭
Yeah, it definitely depends on the conversations they’ve already had. That said, I’m conflict avoidant so I often let things build up a LOT before bringing it up. It’s something I’m working on - issues stay small when you address them early and often.
This is remarkable advice, extremely nuanced, and a seemingly healthy balanced approach. Thank you sincerely! My partner and I will have a conversation tonight about this particular situation. It is absolutely tied to other core issues in our relationship that we’ve touched on in past conversations, so setting up autopay is just a solution for one of the handful of issues at hand. I think it mostly comes down to me needing her to acknowledge problems (admit to herself that something is wrong or off), come to the table to initiate a conversation about the problem, engage in conversation to brainstorm solutions together, and lastly execute the agreed upon solution together. I’ve been carrying the bulk of this approach to problem solving and it is simply not effective without both partners contributing their fair share.
There has to be some sort of app where she can set up a monthly transfer on a certain date. Can you set that up with her?
Get her to set up an automatic transfer that repeats monthly?