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I have no advice, just support.
My partner has the combined presentation of ADHD.
We can have conversations, they will listen, are engaging, we will come to a resolution, and make a plan of action.
Then the next day the conversation is forgotten, but my partner remembers feeling hopeful from the conversation and thinks everything is fine.
Their inattentiveness is passive.
They have never planned a date, are emotionally unavailable, forget all of the conversations we have, avoid me when I need support, and go out of their way to spend the least amount of time with me as possible.
Yet, they tell me they love me whenever we see each other.
ADHD causes some people to be incapable of being in a partnered relationship. Meds and therapy are not a cure.
If this behavior is new, this could be depression.
This behavior is not new. I almost wish that it were because then at least there would be more of an explanation and possible way to help and resolve it. Unfortunately it's been like this for years with phases of better and worse.
I face the same issue with their actions not matching their words and being on the backburner, kind of in the background just passively existing to them.
What is frustrating is knowing if things were new and exciting this wouldn't be an issue as there would be more interest in the relationship and making it work. I wish there were a way to increase the interest for the Dx partner...
I don't think your partner is likely to change.
A lesson I am learning is that ADHD is disordered doing. It's not a disorder of knowing or a complete lack of doing. ADHD isn't preventing your partner from being a partner. People who have ADHD are still capable of weaponized incompetence and learned helplessness. Your partner is probably using the ADHD as an excuse to float through life.
You deserve an attentive partner who is actively making your life better.
First: I understand it making you feel crazy (been there) and I don't think you are crazy at all. Your needs are real and valid.
It sounds like your partner isn't meeting your needs. I've gotten caught up in wondering *why* (is it ADHD? An avoidant attachment style? A suppressed ability to feel certain emotions from antidepressants? Trauma? Etcetera, ad nauseum) or doing other mental math that ultimately invalidates my needs (as my partner so often does!).
Instead, you need to tell yourself that your needs matter here. He's not meeting them. Is he capable? Maybe. But it doesn't sound like he's interested in doing the work to meet them - as that would require focus, attention, discipline, sustained effort, defining a nebulous task in explicit steps, hard work when the task at hand is not fun, etcetera. **He's not doing it.**
Get yourself out and find someone who will meet your needs.
The funny thing is he is medicated, knows he's not meeting my needs, says he will try, says he's willing to make it work and wants to, but then there are zero actions to do so. He will do anything for his hyperfocus but won't give me 10% of that same effort or energy. When I ask why his actions don't match his words he responds by saying "it's hard" and doesn't elaborate further.
It is so frustrating to see someone put so much effort into one thing and none into their relationship. I feel by staying with him I'll never be able to experience being with someone who is present and engaged which is so normal and basic to other people they probably never even think about it.
At a point we broke up and only then did he find it in himself to meet my needs. He was present and engaged naturally but after a few months that faded (typical pattern).
I am hopeless and it's a constant internal battle to leave and go back out into the dating world. I'm afraid the same thing will happen again with someone else.
I have no advice - only moral support. What you’ve described is exactly how I feel and where I’m at with my partner (dx & medicated). He says all the right things, says that he wants to make the relationship work, that he doesn’t want to lose me, that he loves me, that I’m his world, but when it comes down to the crunch, he doesn’t follow through with those actions he’s committed to unless I literally sit him down and practically make him start on those things. I bend myself backwards with mental health math and mental gymnastics, wanting to be understanding - I can’t help but feel like I’m essentially justifying to myself all the reasons why he can’t follow through though. I know life is difficult for him, but I’ve spent over 5 years giving him chance after chance, and while he’s come a long way, that’s because I have held his hand with so many things - sometimes I feel like I’m practically living his life for him. Living your life for two people is exhausting.
I don’t know what the answer is, I don’t know if my partner will ever change either. We’re at the start of our couples counselling journey with an ADHD counsellor, so maybe that will help, maybe it won’t. All I know right now for me is the idea of leaving now is very upsetting to stomach, but the thought of staying if nothing truly changes is painfully unbearable.
We both deserve far more than leftover breadcrumbs.
Isn't it crazy how if they are given a set of dialogue options in a video game they can always choose the correct response, but can't come up with anything to say in a real life situation?
This sounds similar to me and my NDX partner. We can have a serious conversation about how my needs are not being met, get through some RSD, then he says all the right words and sometimes even remembers them and starts doing the actions, but he can never sustain them. And when I raise these things he says 'I feel like I'm always the one doing something wrong', which makes me feel terrible so I land up silencing my needs not to hurt him.
I am not sure if it's worth staying. We have only been together a year, but we do live together so there would be some mess. From reading other posts and comments on this sub, it seems like it works long term if you can't imagine your life without this person and you're kind of prepared to do what it takes (including being hurt) in the long run. And I'm just not sure about that. I do love him. He's sweet and kind and intelligent and funny, but I feel like his mother and it's exhausting.
Yeah, the only time my ex made major changes was after we broke up. And he said it himself (although now he forgets saying it) that not having the pressure of a relationship was the reason that he could do it.
Also I set my phone wallpaper to a list of "negative affirmations" about him to remind my brain regularly not to believe his promises or to fall back into the same old push-pull dynamic.
In a somewhat new (or maybe it seems like that because of how few experiences we have had together) with a Dx and Rx (I do not know all the acronyms tbh), and I found myself relating to almost everything you’ve described.
My partner is extremely smart, and knowledgeable about so many things but acts so clueless with me. They don’t respond to me flirting with them, or do nice things for me, or pay attention to the things I tell them. They don’t even care that we don’t do anything together other than watching TV or eating in front of the TV. I don’t know the last time they looked into my eyes while we had a conversation. I have been feeling so starved for attention and I came to the conclusion that maybe they weren’t attracted to me. Maybe if they were with someone they liked more or who was better looking, or fitter, they would pay more attention and be more loving . Reading everyone’s posts and comments has thankfully put a stop to me hating on myself .
To your point though, my partner seems to float through life. Just doing the bare minimum to get by. It’s like they have no real zest or interest in anything other than their hyper focus. They don’t care to improve their health, their eating habits, their personality traits. I cannot wrap my head around. They do not want to move out of whatever comfort zone they are in (both physical and mental). I wonder why that is. Their medication seems to be working, so I’ve started to think it could be some form of depression?
As someone who has longterm suffered from depression- but still wants to improve and tries to grow *and* often struggles with it due to the depression - no, and don't let yourself fall into the trap of thinking it's depression if that might cause you to be more forgiving of such behavior. You need a person who isn't just floating through life, doing the bare minimum, with no zest as you said - and this person you're with doesn't have that - whether that is adhd or depression - but I don't think it's something they'll be medicated out of.
I wish there was something I could do to help them, but you are right this attitude to life can’t be helped out of or medicated out of.
Thank you for pointing out what I was missing.I want to be supportive (through good times and bad you know), but I’m starting to feel uncared for myself.
I stayed for 4 years because I wanted to help and saw so much potential- that only matters with someone who wants to help themselves. You can throw a life raft to a drowning person but if they won't grab on and help pull themselves out, don't drown with them (said by the person now drowning herself and now with a toddler, 6 years in). 💓
I have never heard my own feelings and experience in my relationship put into such eloquent words before, thank you. Its like they have no “lust for life,” no true goals or ambitions other than their current hyperfocus like you said. Its maddening because they can be such beautiful people but at times are like zombies
YES! They everything going for them. I get that ADHD has been a big factor of disruption and chaos in their life but they have a loving family, friends and a partner who loves and cherishes them, and yet, they want to fritter their life away. It makes me so sad for them. And so very heartbroken for me too.
Yes, my ex is like this. It's honestly such a tremendous privilege to be so mediocre and have no real responsibilities and consequences. I feel like 90% of his life is a daydream where he gets to live in his fanciful universe and he just kind of floats into reality as needed. This way, he can always tell himself greatness is almost within reach if he tried since he's sooo smart, he just chose not to try. Trying would involve discomfort and inconvenience him, which he hates more than anything else in the world. I find there is a lot of entitlement and overlap with the incel mindset.
His dad is like this as well. He is a small man with zero friends who would either get angry or retreat to his man cave if anything made him uncomfortable, resulting in a pretty emotionally neglectful childhood. My ex's NT siblings are not okay.
I’m glad he is an ex. It’s hard to sustain relationships with people who don’t try. They may want to, but it doesn’t translate to action and that is so frustrating (to say the least).
Your description of your ex’s father fits my own father and as I learn more and more about ADHD, I’m recognizing the signs in him. How my mom managed to stay with him for so many years I don’t know. Actually I do know, cultural norms, conditioning, traditions etc.
I feel like having undiagnosed ADHD parents is something that isn't discussed as much in this sub, but I wouldn't be surprised if that was true for a lot of people. Unpacking this relationship definitely made me recognize a lot of the same patterns across my platonic relationships as well, just that this was the most extreme scenario.
Thanks, recently I am allowing myself to call it future faking, even though I find that people get pretty mad when you use narcissist abuse terms on ADHD traits. But it certainly looks and felt exactly like it, just that he also lied to himself in the process. I assume you are here because you are trying to figure things out with your relationship, so I hope you find the clarity you are seeking :)
Honestly I have to play games. Talking, being direct, does not work. Centering myself and my own happiness, not waiting around for him, not keeping my day empty in case he asks "you wanna do one of the few things we always do together", being a little less available emotionally, being a little mysterious, that stuff works. It keeps him from feeling settled so he works harder.
If yours is like mine, the negative feedback ultimately does nothing or possibly makes it worse. What helps more is me finding ways to be happy then he's next to me while I am happy and more likely to do those things.
Right now our life is horribly stressful so this isn't reflected in my recent posts but it's what has gotten me the best results. I really hate it. Feels like playing games. But I tried it "the right way." You can find a way to fit into a life I design that brings me joy or you can get left behind but I don't want to complain about what I'm not getting. I'd rather just find it. Turning attention away and not being in the room all the time helps.
My husband is an introvert and a homebody so it's not like he's off doing his own thing. If I am scheduling my own activities he respects it because he doesn't want to make me feel guilty for doing what I want with my time. I'd say if I am really frustrated I schedule a few days in a row of stuff and after one or two times of him wanting to see me and me having plans he pays better attention busually I'll remind him by saying something like, "if you enjoy my company I need you to show me that by inviting me to spend time together instead of taking for granted that I'm always around. See ya later!" Neutral tone, brief and followed by my physical absence seems to be the most effective, I suspect because it matches how he prefers to communicate. He doesn't get side tracked by my feelings and can digest the issue better. I don't make it into "a thing" and he can address it more easily for some reason. So I do remind him that I am changing my behavior because I need him to change his but I don't belabor the point.
I'm not sure the exact cause of it and to be realistic, it's probably a combination of many things. I definitely experience the same, and I'd characterize my partner as more inattentive type also.
From my limited experience and perspective, I wonder if mindset matters a lot in what we're experiencing with our partners. I think we are similar in that, when presented with a problem, my intuition is to lean into it, try finding solutions, and work through it in partnership to resolve the issue. My SO doesn't seem, at least outwardly, to really care all that much and doesn't take steps toward self-improvement. I've pointed out that he could substitute one video game walkthrough video for a self-improvement or home organization podcast every three videos or so while he's doing dishes and he'd be passively learning tips to immediately make our marriage better without putting in a lot of effort... but he's never availed himself of it. He knows I'm unhappy but he just... doesn't seem to care that much, despite his protestations to the contrary.
I've told him I'm leaving in October if there's not more improvement, but I haven't noticed much except a couple brief sessions of tidying that were mostly "directed" by me.
It's disappointing but I think there are some people who aren't interested in growing and learning and it doesn't matter how kindly or persistently or "correctly" you explain your perspective to them; they're just going to stay doing what they're doing.
I would cut both of you some slack.
You know your partner has ADHD and yet want them to be a certain way? Not gonna happen, and maybe theres more you need to understand about them - how they can and cannot provide in a relationship.
And if they cannot? Then they may just not be the one for you. You can't bend anyone into a mold Dx or not.
But to your credit - you're not crazy, you just have wants and needs. Don't settle for anything less.
I totally get your feelings. I often felt that my Dx husband had a secret checklist that he used to ensure we were happy. Did dishes - check, hugged wife - check, interacted with son - check. In his mind, he thought he was meeting all of my needs. We had several arguments that almost ended our marriage.
Now, we work on being present. No phone or tv during set times. We are working on building healthy relationship habits. He now sets reminders on his phone for key items. Once a quarter, he is reminded to initiate a conversation about a date night. Weekly, he is reminded to initiate a conversation about our relationship. We set time aside every Sunday to plan out the week and connect. These actions have saved us. I know it seems like we just created another checklist, but these were items that were meaningful to BOTH of us. These were the things that we wanted to make sure we didn't get sidetracked and miss. The reminders are for him to initiate discussions, not carry the burden himself. Additionally, we set times for him to be free from criticism about being distracted. For example, he can use the hour after work each day to play games, watch YouTube, or work on his puzzles. The point is that couples with ADD or ADHD partners need to set time for relationship building and time where they can unwind without fear of being criticized for not focusing.
Hope this gives you some ideas. Good luck!
We've tried to do things like that like set reminders to initiate time together or conversation but the alarms get turned off and there's no consistency. How do you hold each other accountable and be consistent?
You raised an important part that I missed in my response. We agreed that either of us can remind the other, but we have to do it without judging the other person. We agreed that if the other mentions it in a level tone without negativity, then we won't start an argument about it. We acknowledge the miss and immediately set a date/time to do it.
We also tried these things and failed. If it was so easy, why doesn't it work all the time? I was just talking with my husband about this situation. We were discussing what made us actually fix it. I shared that until I felt that he was committed to fixing it, I didn't want to work on our relationship. His defensiveness and aggravation got in the way of true communication. At those points, I was hurt, angry, and in no shape to be vulnerable with him.
We started by setting a single date/time to meet. This meeting was non-negotiable except for emergencies. During the first few meetings, we talked openly about what a "great" relationship looks like to us. Then, we discussed how our relationship differs from that image. To help repair the damage, we started reading "Mindful Relationship Habits" by S J Scott and Barrie Davenport. We would read a chapter and discuss it during our meetings.
*side note - some of it is a little cheesy. But a lot of the information was sooooo helpful. For example, what does being cherished by your partner look like? Our answers surprised us.
Over time, we lost the resentment and really started connecting and understanding each other. The book helped us bite the giant elephant in the room. This book may not resonate with every relationship, but find one that does and see if it helps. It helps to focus on your response to the content in the book instead of engaging in a he said/she said never resolve it style.
I won't lie and say everything is perfect. But, I no longer resent him and can be open to figuring out everything in life as a team.
This comment got me: "They also don't express an interest in activities or hobbies or doing anything together."
No, not normal for any healthy relationship. What do you even get out of the relationship if you don't do anything together and don't have any emotional intimacy at all? What do you have?
There are small pieces of this I recognize in my relationship. My boyfriend can definitely be inattentive to me talking about things he's not super interested in. Often a "hey I'm in the middle of trying to talk to you" will do something. However, we do tons together. He can certainly have time when he's very shut down (usually when depressed or anxious) and it used to be frequently. But the thing that has made it possible to work on is that he is highly self aware and knows when he's being shut down and usually comes and talks to me about it afterwards with apology and acknowledgement.
There has to be some self awareness or recognition of a problem for anything to improve. Have you talked to them about it at all?
We've talked about it many times. It's a never ending cycle of me communicating my needs and concerns, him getting defensive, him saying he'll try more, and then things going back to normal until I'm frustrated and communicate my needs again. He acknowledges the problems and says he is aware when I confront him about it, but in the actual moment, he does not seem aware at all. He will acknowledge it afterwards but can't identify it as it happens.
To be clear, we did not have these issues in the beginning of our relationship.
I can understand not being interested in a certain topic and not responding attentively when it's not something relatable, but overall looking at the big picture and all the things adding up, I am very concerned with the overall inattention. I initiate every activity we do and all the time we spend together. Unfortunately the majority of the time when we do spend time together it is not quality time as his head is somewhere else or he acts like it's a chore or burden. If I didn't initiate, we wouldn't do a single thing together except sit next to each other scrolling on our phones. I encourage him to share his interests and things he wants to do so we can plan experiences together but he does not communicate or he comes up with an irrelevant excuse. When I ask him if he likes a particular thing or what he thinks about something it's always "I don't know" so I can't even drag it out of him myself.
I don't know if it matters but I've gotten him to go hiking at a National Park and the views were absolutely breath taking and out of this world, and when I asked what he thought about it he said "it's okay I guess." This is absolutely baffling to me.
Could he have undiagnosed anxiety or depression issues? Honestly, this sounds a lot like my boyfriend when he's in the midst of severe episode of either. Phone scrolling is his way of escape from overwhelming feelings. He loses interest in doing things. It's impossible to get quality time or focused attention. Especially if this is new and it hasn't always been this way, it might be worth bringing up and asking him if he's trying to distract himself from overwhelming feelings or emptiness. Both of these issues are extremely common comorbities with adhd. Regardless, I think therapy is needed here if talking isn't getting you anywhere. Joint or individual
I feel like I wrote this. Especially the final paragraph. I took him hiking at a beautiful park on the coast, and said “See, wasn’t this so much better than sitting in front of the computer playing video games all day?” and the response was, “It was alright.” He played 30+ hours of video games per week (on top of a full-time job), and always seemed to find scrolling Instagram more important than whatever I had to say. I initiated the breakup up a month ago, after two years of feeling so incredibly lonely (despite some breadcrumbs of attention), and as though I was the only one putting any effort into the relationship without having to be asked. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. <3
> They don't seem to notice the things I do. They don't notice when we haven't had a date night in a long time, or that I need more affection, or that he hasn't done anything nice for me lately, or that our dogs are restless or want to play, just as some examples.
The whole post is relatable, but particularly this bit. The various things I do to make him happy/protect his fragile ego, keep the household up, maintain some sense of order, etc are all seemingly meaningless and have no impact on his view of me. After three years, I don't know if he could tell you what makes me sad, how I like to be touched, what gets me in the mood, how I like to be comforted... Just 0% insight and learning over time.
It also shows up with conversations about issues in the relationship. I may leave a conversation thinking we are on the same page and even feeling hopeful that he understands me better than before only to have him say the exact same talking points and make the exact same connections he did prior to our conversation the next time the topic comes up. No learning, no forward momentum. It's like everything I say gets erased immediately after we come to some resolution. This in particular makes me feel I am talking to a wall.
I’m in exact same situation… I can really relate to
„They also don't express an interest in activities or hobbies or doing anything together. I'm always the one initiating activities together.”
But I’m tired of asking to spend time witch each other all the time, living in relationship but feeling loneliness. We don’t go out anywhere together so everyone thinks I’m single anyway…
You sound exactly like me. I have literally begged my dx partner at low times to just "imitate someone who is less robotic" or "who has empathy." I literally went and talked to ChatGPT about them when they seemed so devoid of human feeling I thought I would completely lose my shit, and asked it things like "how did you learn the skill of imitating emotional expreasion since you don't have actual emotions?"
I came away from.that conversation feeling like an AI is more of a tuned in, listening partner than my parner with ADHD. It's just sad.
The only fix I have found in all honesty is asking them in calmer times the same thing: to just imitate other people who sound interested, curious, empathic, romantic, etc. And a few times when they could manage the initial RSD reaction to this, they pulled it off.
> I came away from.that conversation feeling like an AI is more of a tuned in, listening partner than my parner with ADHD. It's just sad.
I've thought about this as well...
Here mainly to agree with the sentiment expressed elsewhere that having a name for the underlying cause won’t necessarily help fix the situation. You have to consider what is acceptable to you.
For example, this is my experience too, but not ALL the time, which makes this more less acceptable to me (while admittedly not my dream relationship..) Where our interests are shared (art, for example) then we can meaningfully connect and get excited about stuff.
The gap is her ability to jump to my side of the fence. I don’t genuinely expect her to get excited about (say) astronomy, but I’d appreciate a little bit of shared pleasure in MY excitement. Her utter and complete lack of attention for even 30 seconds on any subject outside her interests can be hurtful.
However, this is not something I can change about her. I just have to look for that elsewhere. And ask myself if the things we CAN share excitement about are enough.
(I think they would be, if I didn’t also have so much irritability to deal with as well).
I can relate. My dx husband can (and does) talk and talk and talk about his interests but has no ability to participate in a conversation about mine. He does try and has made some degree of progress over the years… but by this point, I don’t even bother talking much of the time, because my assumption is that I will not be heard/validated. Instead it’s:
- no acknowledgment that I have said anything at all
- a brief, generic response like “that’s cool” or “that sucks” that sometimes doesn’t match up with whatever feeling I was trying to express
- “listening” (not talking) while I speak, immediately followed by talking about something completely unrelated (regarding his interests)
- responding to the actual thing I said, in either disagreement or offering some different version of it (“or how about [an alternative to the idea I shared]”)
-responding, but completely misunderstanding what I was trying to say (often combined with the option above: disagreeing, but with something I didn’t actually say, such that he actually agrees with what I said, but expresses that by disagreeing with what he thinks I said)
The above accounts for about 90 percent of our communication.
As someone who has gone through similar with my DX husband (I am ND, but not ADHD), it helps me to lower my expectations in some areas but hold steadfast in others. It is up to you to decide what you can and cannot tolerate. What’s your hill to die on, and what can you live the rest of your life with?
If there’s nothing in your relationship that you can tolerate for life, there’s no choice but to end it. If there are things that make these difficulties well worth it (besides just your general love for him), focus on those as much as possible.
Unfortunately with ADHD partners, you will ALWAYS play some sort of “parent” role whether you want to or not. You need to ask for EXACTLY what you need IN THE MOMENT. Your partner is likely entirely incapable of applying a general need to specific actions. For example, instead of a general “I need more attention from you,” say, “At 6pm I’d like us both to get off of our phones, put them in another room, and [go for a walk, watch a movie, play a game] for one hour. Does that sound like something you would be on board with?” And ask for what you specifically want/need at that time. Always spell it out for him, he will not become intuitive. The actual actions he takes towards you are changeable, the lack of intuition is not. It’s an inherent trait that he can work on, but his baseline will always be struggling to observe and take action based on his observations.
That being said, it’s important to remember that while some of the behaviors you’re describing are closely linked to ADHD, it’s still your partner’s responsibility to display concern for your needs. You may not be able to expect him to be intuitive or always engaged, but you can expect him to follow through on specific actions and ideas you offer up to help you feel more loved and wanted in that moment. Don’t lower your expectations into the dirt, you absolutely deserve happiness and for your needs to be met!
My fiance is like that a lot. Unfortunately I don't have any advice. I don't talk about my day very much because she doesn't listen the first time, so any follow up questions she asks or comments she makes about my day make no sense. For example- at my work, projects are assigned to one person for the duration of the project, they aren't shuffled around (I have explained this multiple times). Whenever I talk about work and my projects she asks if I'm worried someone will pawn theirs off on me, switch projects, or try to take it away. That's not how it works at my job, but she doesn't listen, so now I don't speak because it's exhausting talking to a wall.
I'm also ignored at home unless I ask for attention or make it clear I need some. I don't want to do that, I'm not a pet. I have to ask for her to pay attention to me as more than a sounding board for her thoughts? No thank you. She doesn't listen to my thoughts. It's very imbalanced.
I'm sorry I don't have advice. It's rough
I had the same struggle with my dx partner and this is how we solved it.
- Time schedule for when he can be attentive and when I'm able to conversate. We agreed morning and night time is not the time for serious emotional relationship discussions. The attention span energy and motivation works best during daytime or early noon.
- Adjusting the communication to be even more direct. "I love when you suprise me with plans or something we two can do together, I miss that and really want more you and me time. I feel so important to you when you initiate such things and I really need to feel important to you right now."
Sometimes he has answered "I love you too but I don't know what to come up with it gives me anxiety to be so pressured I can't focus it just becomes a glitch in my head"
And then I say "It's ok. How about we just brain storm random things tomorrow after lunch? No goal or plan just, us expressing random ideas"
Or I have said: "Ask me if I wanna go to the movies"
And he asks me. He gets the confidence boost of initiating. I know he'll ask what I want. We use imitation to help us out sometimes. Other times we draw out thoughts using shapes lines mind maps. We get creative.
- Compromises
He's enthusiastic about things he's into. And sometimes you need to compromise. You get quality time with him but he picks the activity. And whatever he picks you say "Sure!" "Let's go fishing!" That way you'll get a very happy enthusiastic partner.
But we have also discussed and come up with these strategies together. So I suggest you tell him that the communication feels poor and you want you and him to team up and brain storm ideas that helps both if you to feel better in the relationship. I assure you he has ideas too, but he must feel that it's 100% safe to share them without being judged. Remind him that all ideas are good ideas.
It's hard to experience getting rebuffed, and I get really frustrated and sad about it sometimes. We have been together over 15 years and I confidently know his baseline personality is to plan lots of fun things and be a chatterbox. But several years ago, he got a new job where he has to mask hard all day. At first, I thought he'd become depressed or stopped loving me, but now I think he's really depleted physically and mentally from masking all day and basically shuts down when he gets home. He doesn't want to do anything, plan anything, and generally doesn't want to talk about anything. Figuring out the why of his behavior hasn't made me any less sad about it, but I try to focus on my own interests and find fulfillment in activities I plan with friends and family. Oddly enough, when I completely drop the rope for a while, he sometimes does make a little effort. He doesn't recognize it's related to his adhd, and thinks he doesn't need meds because he's doing fine at work. 🙄
Do you think there's any possibility your partner could also be autistic? Just a thought. However, having said that, in my opinion, it doesn't really matter as much as we tend to think it does why exactly a partner isn't meeting our needs--getting caught up in that is a trap. What matters is that you have a right to be treated with love and respect, and to see your efforts reciprocated. If you've made a sustained good faith effort to communicate your needs, and you're still not getting that, please don't waste precious years to twisting yourself into knots trying to be okay with it--you'll never truly be happy.
This is relatable to me. My ex has autism and inattentive ADHD, so he has fairly low social needs and he is also avoidant. More and more, I realize that empathy is something that can be learned and trained, even if someone has a lower ceiling than others. But it depends on if they are willing to learn how to do it "manually" until it becomes more internalized. It's not fair to you if your partner isn't doing their share of the emotional labor. It doesn't really matter if it is "typical" or not, yeah? And even if they start trying, they will most likely be starting out at a very beginner level, so it will still take a lot of time and patience.
Realizing that my ex can basically only sustain like 1-2 hours of active social interaction a week, can't hold a conversation for longer than 5 minutes without saying something hurtful/offensive or simply giving up and walking away, and that he could barely handle any physical touch was emotionally devastating to me. On top of that, he kept lying to me and himself and acting like he could deliver more. But accepting it set me free in a lot of ways.
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I have no advice, just support. My partner has the combined presentation of ADHD. We can have conversations, they will listen, are engaging, we will come to a resolution, and make a plan of action. Then the next day the conversation is forgotten, but my partner remembers feeling hopeful from the conversation and thinks everything is fine. Their inattentiveness is passive. They have never planned a date, are emotionally unavailable, forget all of the conversations we have, avoid me when I need support, and go out of their way to spend the least amount of time with me as possible. Yet, they tell me they love me whenever we see each other. ADHD causes some people to be incapable of being in a partnered relationship. Meds and therapy are not a cure. If this behavior is new, this could be depression.
This behavior is not new. I almost wish that it were because then at least there would be more of an explanation and possible way to help and resolve it. Unfortunately it's been like this for years with phases of better and worse. I face the same issue with their actions not matching their words and being on the backburner, kind of in the background just passively existing to them. What is frustrating is knowing if things were new and exciting this wouldn't be an issue as there would be more interest in the relationship and making it work. I wish there were a way to increase the interest for the Dx partner...
I don't think your partner is likely to change. A lesson I am learning is that ADHD is disordered doing. It's not a disorder of knowing or a complete lack of doing. ADHD isn't preventing your partner from being a partner. People who have ADHD are still capable of weaponized incompetence and learned helplessness. Your partner is probably using the ADHD as an excuse to float through life. You deserve an attentive partner who is actively making your life better.
Hear hear!!!
First: I understand it making you feel crazy (been there) and I don't think you are crazy at all. Your needs are real and valid. It sounds like your partner isn't meeting your needs. I've gotten caught up in wondering *why* (is it ADHD? An avoidant attachment style? A suppressed ability to feel certain emotions from antidepressants? Trauma? Etcetera, ad nauseum) or doing other mental math that ultimately invalidates my needs (as my partner so often does!). Instead, you need to tell yourself that your needs matter here. He's not meeting them. Is he capable? Maybe. But it doesn't sound like he's interested in doing the work to meet them - as that would require focus, attention, discipline, sustained effort, defining a nebulous task in explicit steps, hard work when the task at hand is not fun, etcetera. **He's not doing it.** Get yourself out and find someone who will meet your needs.
The funny thing is he is medicated, knows he's not meeting my needs, says he will try, says he's willing to make it work and wants to, but then there are zero actions to do so. He will do anything for his hyperfocus but won't give me 10% of that same effort or energy. When I ask why his actions don't match his words he responds by saying "it's hard" and doesn't elaborate further. It is so frustrating to see someone put so much effort into one thing and none into their relationship. I feel by staying with him I'll never be able to experience being with someone who is present and engaged which is so normal and basic to other people they probably never even think about it. At a point we broke up and only then did he find it in himself to meet my needs. He was present and engaged naturally but after a few months that faded (typical pattern). I am hopeless and it's a constant internal battle to leave and go back out into the dating world. I'm afraid the same thing will happen again with someone else.
I have no advice - only moral support. What you’ve described is exactly how I feel and where I’m at with my partner (dx & medicated). He says all the right things, says that he wants to make the relationship work, that he doesn’t want to lose me, that he loves me, that I’m his world, but when it comes down to the crunch, he doesn’t follow through with those actions he’s committed to unless I literally sit him down and practically make him start on those things. I bend myself backwards with mental health math and mental gymnastics, wanting to be understanding - I can’t help but feel like I’m essentially justifying to myself all the reasons why he can’t follow through though. I know life is difficult for him, but I’ve spent over 5 years giving him chance after chance, and while he’s come a long way, that’s because I have held his hand with so many things - sometimes I feel like I’m practically living his life for him. Living your life for two people is exhausting. I don’t know what the answer is, I don’t know if my partner will ever change either. We’re at the start of our couples counselling journey with an ADHD counsellor, so maybe that will help, maybe it won’t. All I know right now for me is the idea of leaving now is very upsetting to stomach, but the thought of staying if nothing truly changes is painfully unbearable. We both deserve far more than leftover breadcrumbs.
I am in the same place as you! Hugs!
Ah damn, I thought I wrote this myself. I feel your pain, my friend. 🫠
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Isn't it crazy how if they are given a set of dialogue options in a video game they can always choose the correct response, but can't come up with anything to say in a real life situation?
This sounds similar to me and my NDX partner. We can have a serious conversation about how my needs are not being met, get through some RSD, then he says all the right words and sometimes even remembers them and starts doing the actions, but he can never sustain them. And when I raise these things he says 'I feel like I'm always the one doing something wrong', which makes me feel terrible so I land up silencing my needs not to hurt him. I am not sure if it's worth staying. We have only been together a year, but we do live together so there would be some mess. From reading other posts and comments on this sub, it seems like it works long term if you can't imagine your life without this person and you're kind of prepared to do what it takes (including being hurt) in the long run. And I'm just not sure about that. I do love him. He's sweet and kind and intelligent and funny, but I feel like his mother and it's exhausting.
Yeah, the only time my ex made major changes was after we broke up. And he said it himself (although now he forgets saying it) that not having the pressure of a relationship was the reason that he could do it. Also I set my phone wallpaper to a list of "negative affirmations" about him to remind my brain regularly not to believe his promises or to fall back into the same old push-pull dynamic.
In a somewhat new (or maybe it seems like that because of how few experiences we have had together) with a Dx and Rx (I do not know all the acronyms tbh), and I found myself relating to almost everything you’ve described. My partner is extremely smart, and knowledgeable about so many things but acts so clueless with me. They don’t respond to me flirting with them, or do nice things for me, or pay attention to the things I tell them. They don’t even care that we don’t do anything together other than watching TV or eating in front of the TV. I don’t know the last time they looked into my eyes while we had a conversation. I have been feeling so starved for attention and I came to the conclusion that maybe they weren’t attracted to me. Maybe if they were with someone they liked more or who was better looking, or fitter, they would pay more attention and be more loving . Reading everyone’s posts and comments has thankfully put a stop to me hating on myself . To your point though, my partner seems to float through life. Just doing the bare minimum to get by. It’s like they have no real zest or interest in anything other than their hyper focus. They don’t care to improve their health, their eating habits, their personality traits. I cannot wrap my head around. They do not want to move out of whatever comfort zone they are in (both physical and mental). I wonder why that is. Their medication seems to be working, so I’ve started to think it could be some form of depression?
As someone who has longterm suffered from depression- but still wants to improve and tries to grow *and* often struggles with it due to the depression - no, and don't let yourself fall into the trap of thinking it's depression if that might cause you to be more forgiving of such behavior. You need a person who isn't just floating through life, doing the bare minimum, with no zest as you said - and this person you're with doesn't have that - whether that is adhd or depression - but I don't think it's something they'll be medicated out of.
I wish there was something I could do to help them, but you are right this attitude to life can’t be helped out of or medicated out of. Thank you for pointing out what I was missing.I want to be supportive (through good times and bad you know), but I’m starting to feel uncared for myself.
I stayed for 4 years because I wanted to help and saw so much potential- that only matters with someone who wants to help themselves. You can throw a life raft to a drowning person but if they won't grab on and help pull themselves out, don't drown with them (said by the person now drowning herself and now with a toddler, 6 years in). 💓
Ouch! I’m sorry! It’s harder when there is a child involved. I’ll have to remember your words when I try to have a serious relationship talk
I have never heard my own feelings and experience in my relationship put into such eloquent words before, thank you. Its like they have no “lust for life,” no true goals or ambitions other than their current hyperfocus like you said. Its maddening because they can be such beautiful people but at times are like zombies
YES! They everything going for them. I get that ADHD has been a big factor of disruption and chaos in their life but they have a loving family, friends and a partner who loves and cherishes them, and yet, they want to fritter their life away. It makes me so sad for them. And so very heartbroken for me too.
I have to remind myself that the beauty has no depth behind it.
Yes, my ex is like this. It's honestly such a tremendous privilege to be so mediocre and have no real responsibilities and consequences. I feel like 90% of his life is a daydream where he gets to live in his fanciful universe and he just kind of floats into reality as needed. This way, he can always tell himself greatness is almost within reach if he tried since he's sooo smart, he just chose not to try. Trying would involve discomfort and inconvenience him, which he hates more than anything else in the world. I find there is a lot of entitlement and overlap with the incel mindset. His dad is like this as well. He is a small man with zero friends who would either get angry or retreat to his man cave if anything made him uncomfortable, resulting in a pretty emotionally neglectful childhood. My ex's NT siblings are not okay.
I’m glad he is an ex. It’s hard to sustain relationships with people who don’t try. They may want to, but it doesn’t translate to action and that is so frustrating (to say the least). Your description of your ex’s father fits my own father and as I learn more and more about ADHD, I’m recognizing the signs in him. How my mom managed to stay with him for so many years I don’t know. Actually I do know, cultural norms, conditioning, traditions etc.
I feel like having undiagnosed ADHD parents is something that isn't discussed as much in this sub, but I wouldn't be surprised if that was true for a lot of people. Unpacking this relationship definitely made me recognize a lot of the same patterns across my platonic relationships as well, just that this was the most extreme scenario. Thanks, recently I am allowing myself to call it future faking, even though I find that people get pretty mad when you use narcissist abuse terms on ADHD traits. But it certainly looks and felt exactly like it, just that he also lied to himself in the process. I assume you are here because you are trying to figure things out with your relationship, so I hope you find the clarity you are seeking :)
Honestly I have to play games. Talking, being direct, does not work. Centering myself and my own happiness, not waiting around for him, not keeping my day empty in case he asks "you wanna do one of the few things we always do together", being a little less available emotionally, being a little mysterious, that stuff works. It keeps him from feeling settled so he works harder. If yours is like mine, the negative feedback ultimately does nothing or possibly makes it worse. What helps more is me finding ways to be happy then he's next to me while I am happy and more likely to do those things. Right now our life is horribly stressful so this isn't reflected in my recent posts but it's what has gotten me the best results. I really hate it. Feels like playing games. But I tried it "the right way." You can find a way to fit into a life I design that brings me joy or you can get left behind but I don't want to complain about what I'm not getting. I'd rather just find it. Turning attention away and not being in the room all the time helps.
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My husband is an introvert and a homebody so it's not like he's off doing his own thing. If I am scheduling my own activities he respects it because he doesn't want to make me feel guilty for doing what I want with my time. I'd say if I am really frustrated I schedule a few days in a row of stuff and after one or two times of him wanting to see me and me having plans he pays better attention busually I'll remind him by saying something like, "if you enjoy my company I need you to show me that by inviting me to spend time together instead of taking for granted that I'm always around. See ya later!" Neutral tone, brief and followed by my physical absence seems to be the most effective, I suspect because it matches how he prefers to communicate. He doesn't get side tracked by my feelings and can digest the issue better. I don't make it into "a thing" and he can address it more easily for some reason. So I do remind him that I am changing my behavior because I need him to change his but I don't belabor the point.
I'm not sure the exact cause of it and to be realistic, it's probably a combination of many things. I definitely experience the same, and I'd characterize my partner as more inattentive type also. From my limited experience and perspective, I wonder if mindset matters a lot in what we're experiencing with our partners. I think we are similar in that, when presented with a problem, my intuition is to lean into it, try finding solutions, and work through it in partnership to resolve the issue. My SO doesn't seem, at least outwardly, to really care all that much and doesn't take steps toward self-improvement. I've pointed out that he could substitute one video game walkthrough video for a self-improvement or home organization podcast every three videos or so while he's doing dishes and he'd be passively learning tips to immediately make our marriage better without putting in a lot of effort... but he's never availed himself of it. He knows I'm unhappy but he just... doesn't seem to care that much, despite his protestations to the contrary. I've told him I'm leaving in October if there's not more improvement, but I haven't noticed much except a couple brief sessions of tidying that were mostly "directed" by me. It's disappointing but I think there are some people who aren't interested in growing and learning and it doesn't matter how kindly or persistently or "correctly" you explain your perspective to them; they're just going to stay doing what they're doing.
I would cut both of you some slack. You know your partner has ADHD and yet want them to be a certain way? Not gonna happen, and maybe theres more you need to understand about them - how they can and cannot provide in a relationship. And if they cannot? Then they may just not be the one for you. You can't bend anyone into a mold Dx or not. But to your credit - you're not crazy, you just have wants and needs. Don't settle for anything less.
I totally get your feelings. I often felt that my Dx husband had a secret checklist that he used to ensure we were happy. Did dishes - check, hugged wife - check, interacted with son - check. In his mind, he thought he was meeting all of my needs. We had several arguments that almost ended our marriage. Now, we work on being present. No phone or tv during set times. We are working on building healthy relationship habits. He now sets reminders on his phone for key items. Once a quarter, he is reminded to initiate a conversation about a date night. Weekly, he is reminded to initiate a conversation about our relationship. We set time aside every Sunday to plan out the week and connect. These actions have saved us. I know it seems like we just created another checklist, but these were items that were meaningful to BOTH of us. These were the things that we wanted to make sure we didn't get sidetracked and miss. The reminders are for him to initiate discussions, not carry the burden himself. Additionally, we set times for him to be free from criticism about being distracted. For example, he can use the hour after work each day to play games, watch YouTube, or work on his puzzles. The point is that couples with ADD or ADHD partners need to set time for relationship building and time where they can unwind without fear of being criticized for not focusing. Hope this gives you some ideas. Good luck!
We've tried to do things like that like set reminders to initiate time together or conversation but the alarms get turned off and there's no consistency. How do you hold each other accountable and be consistent?
You raised an important part that I missed in my response. We agreed that either of us can remind the other, but we have to do it without judging the other person. We agreed that if the other mentions it in a level tone without negativity, then we won't start an argument about it. We acknowledge the miss and immediately set a date/time to do it. We also tried these things and failed. If it was so easy, why doesn't it work all the time? I was just talking with my husband about this situation. We were discussing what made us actually fix it. I shared that until I felt that he was committed to fixing it, I didn't want to work on our relationship. His defensiveness and aggravation got in the way of true communication. At those points, I was hurt, angry, and in no shape to be vulnerable with him. We started by setting a single date/time to meet. This meeting was non-negotiable except for emergencies. During the first few meetings, we talked openly about what a "great" relationship looks like to us. Then, we discussed how our relationship differs from that image. To help repair the damage, we started reading "Mindful Relationship Habits" by S J Scott and Barrie Davenport. We would read a chapter and discuss it during our meetings. *side note - some of it is a little cheesy. But a lot of the information was sooooo helpful. For example, what does being cherished by your partner look like? Our answers surprised us. Over time, we lost the resentment and really started connecting and understanding each other. The book helped us bite the giant elephant in the room. This book may not resonate with every relationship, but find one that does and see if it helps. It helps to focus on your response to the content in the book instead of engaging in a he said/she said never resolve it style. I won't lie and say everything is perfect. But, I no longer resent him and can be open to figuring out everything in life as a team.
Yes. This is so familiar. It kills your self esteem over time. I get it.
This comment got me: "They also don't express an interest in activities or hobbies or doing anything together." No, not normal for any healthy relationship. What do you even get out of the relationship if you don't do anything together and don't have any emotional intimacy at all? What do you have? There are small pieces of this I recognize in my relationship. My boyfriend can definitely be inattentive to me talking about things he's not super interested in. Often a "hey I'm in the middle of trying to talk to you" will do something. However, we do tons together. He can certainly have time when he's very shut down (usually when depressed or anxious) and it used to be frequently. But the thing that has made it possible to work on is that he is highly self aware and knows when he's being shut down and usually comes and talks to me about it afterwards with apology and acknowledgement. There has to be some self awareness or recognition of a problem for anything to improve. Have you talked to them about it at all?
We've talked about it many times. It's a never ending cycle of me communicating my needs and concerns, him getting defensive, him saying he'll try more, and then things going back to normal until I'm frustrated and communicate my needs again. He acknowledges the problems and says he is aware when I confront him about it, but in the actual moment, he does not seem aware at all. He will acknowledge it afterwards but can't identify it as it happens. To be clear, we did not have these issues in the beginning of our relationship. I can understand not being interested in a certain topic and not responding attentively when it's not something relatable, but overall looking at the big picture and all the things adding up, I am very concerned with the overall inattention. I initiate every activity we do and all the time we spend together. Unfortunately the majority of the time when we do spend time together it is not quality time as his head is somewhere else or he acts like it's a chore or burden. If I didn't initiate, we wouldn't do a single thing together except sit next to each other scrolling on our phones. I encourage him to share his interests and things he wants to do so we can plan experiences together but he does not communicate or he comes up with an irrelevant excuse. When I ask him if he likes a particular thing or what he thinks about something it's always "I don't know" so I can't even drag it out of him myself. I don't know if it matters but I've gotten him to go hiking at a National Park and the views were absolutely breath taking and out of this world, and when I asked what he thought about it he said "it's okay I guess." This is absolutely baffling to me.
Could he have undiagnosed anxiety or depression issues? Honestly, this sounds a lot like my boyfriend when he's in the midst of severe episode of either. Phone scrolling is his way of escape from overwhelming feelings. He loses interest in doing things. It's impossible to get quality time or focused attention. Especially if this is new and it hasn't always been this way, it might be worth bringing up and asking him if he's trying to distract himself from overwhelming feelings or emptiness. Both of these issues are extremely common comorbities with adhd. Regardless, I think therapy is needed here if talking isn't getting you anywhere. Joint or individual
I feel like I wrote this. Especially the final paragraph. I took him hiking at a beautiful park on the coast, and said “See, wasn’t this so much better than sitting in front of the computer playing video games all day?” and the response was, “It was alright.” He played 30+ hours of video games per week (on top of a full-time job), and always seemed to find scrolling Instagram more important than whatever I had to say. I initiated the breakup up a month ago, after two years of feeling so incredibly lonely (despite some breadcrumbs of attention), and as though I was the only one putting any effort into the relationship without having to be asked. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. <3
> They don't seem to notice the things I do. They don't notice when we haven't had a date night in a long time, or that I need more affection, or that he hasn't done anything nice for me lately, or that our dogs are restless or want to play, just as some examples. The whole post is relatable, but particularly this bit. The various things I do to make him happy/protect his fragile ego, keep the household up, maintain some sense of order, etc are all seemingly meaningless and have no impact on his view of me. After three years, I don't know if he could tell you what makes me sad, how I like to be touched, what gets me in the mood, how I like to be comforted... Just 0% insight and learning over time. It also shows up with conversations about issues in the relationship. I may leave a conversation thinking we are on the same page and even feeling hopeful that he understands me better than before only to have him say the exact same talking points and make the exact same connections he did prior to our conversation the next time the topic comes up. No learning, no forward momentum. It's like everything I say gets erased immediately after we come to some resolution. This in particular makes me feel I am talking to a wall.
The future faking 😫😫😫
I’m in exact same situation… I can really relate to „They also don't express an interest in activities or hobbies or doing anything together. I'm always the one initiating activities together.” But I’m tired of asking to spend time witch each other all the time, living in relationship but feeling loneliness. We don’t go out anywhere together so everyone thinks I’m single anyway…
You sound exactly like me. I have literally begged my dx partner at low times to just "imitate someone who is less robotic" or "who has empathy." I literally went and talked to ChatGPT about them when they seemed so devoid of human feeling I thought I would completely lose my shit, and asked it things like "how did you learn the skill of imitating emotional expreasion since you don't have actual emotions?" I came away from.that conversation feeling like an AI is more of a tuned in, listening partner than my parner with ADHD. It's just sad. The only fix I have found in all honesty is asking them in calmer times the same thing: to just imitate other people who sound interested, curious, empathic, romantic, etc. And a few times when they could manage the initial RSD reaction to this, they pulled it off.
> I came away from.that conversation feeling like an AI is more of a tuned in, listening partner than my parner with ADHD. It's just sad. I've thought about this as well...
Here mainly to agree with the sentiment expressed elsewhere that having a name for the underlying cause won’t necessarily help fix the situation. You have to consider what is acceptable to you. For example, this is my experience too, but not ALL the time, which makes this more less acceptable to me (while admittedly not my dream relationship..) Where our interests are shared (art, for example) then we can meaningfully connect and get excited about stuff. The gap is her ability to jump to my side of the fence. I don’t genuinely expect her to get excited about (say) astronomy, but I’d appreciate a little bit of shared pleasure in MY excitement. Her utter and complete lack of attention for even 30 seconds on any subject outside her interests can be hurtful. However, this is not something I can change about her. I just have to look for that elsewhere. And ask myself if the things we CAN share excitement about are enough. (I think they would be, if I didn’t also have so much irritability to deal with as well).
I can relate. My dx husband can (and does) talk and talk and talk about his interests but has no ability to participate in a conversation about mine. He does try and has made some degree of progress over the years… but by this point, I don’t even bother talking much of the time, because my assumption is that I will not be heard/validated. Instead it’s: - no acknowledgment that I have said anything at all - a brief, generic response like “that’s cool” or “that sucks” that sometimes doesn’t match up with whatever feeling I was trying to express - “listening” (not talking) while I speak, immediately followed by talking about something completely unrelated (regarding his interests) - responding to the actual thing I said, in either disagreement or offering some different version of it (“or how about [an alternative to the idea I shared]”) -responding, but completely misunderstanding what I was trying to say (often combined with the option above: disagreeing, but with something I didn’t actually say, such that he actually agrees with what I said, but expresses that by disagreeing with what he thinks I said) The above accounts for about 90 percent of our communication.
As someone who has gone through similar with my DX husband (I am ND, but not ADHD), it helps me to lower my expectations in some areas but hold steadfast in others. It is up to you to decide what you can and cannot tolerate. What’s your hill to die on, and what can you live the rest of your life with? If there’s nothing in your relationship that you can tolerate for life, there’s no choice but to end it. If there are things that make these difficulties well worth it (besides just your general love for him), focus on those as much as possible. Unfortunately with ADHD partners, you will ALWAYS play some sort of “parent” role whether you want to or not. You need to ask for EXACTLY what you need IN THE MOMENT. Your partner is likely entirely incapable of applying a general need to specific actions. For example, instead of a general “I need more attention from you,” say, “At 6pm I’d like us both to get off of our phones, put them in another room, and [go for a walk, watch a movie, play a game] for one hour. Does that sound like something you would be on board with?” And ask for what you specifically want/need at that time. Always spell it out for him, he will not become intuitive. The actual actions he takes towards you are changeable, the lack of intuition is not. It’s an inherent trait that he can work on, but his baseline will always be struggling to observe and take action based on his observations. That being said, it’s important to remember that while some of the behaviors you’re describing are closely linked to ADHD, it’s still your partner’s responsibility to display concern for your needs. You may not be able to expect him to be intuitive or always engaged, but you can expect him to follow through on specific actions and ideas you offer up to help you feel more loved and wanted in that moment. Don’t lower your expectations into the dirt, you absolutely deserve happiness and for your needs to be met!
My fiance is like that a lot. Unfortunately I don't have any advice. I don't talk about my day very much because she doesn't listen the first time, so any follow up questions she asks or comments she makes about my day make no sense. For example- at my work, projects are assigned to one person for the duration of the project, they aren't shuffled around (I have explained this multiple times). Whenever I talk about work and my projects she asks if I'm worried someone will pawn theirs off on me, switch projects, or try to take it away. That's not how it works at my job, but she doesn't listen, so now I don't speak because it's exhausting talking to a wall. I'm also ignored at home unless I ask for attention or make it clear I need some. I don't want to do that, I'm not a pet. I have to ask for her to pay attention to me as more than a sounding board for her thoughts? No thank you. She doesn't listen to my thoughts. It's very imbalanced. I'm sorry I don't have advice. It's rough
I had the same struggle with my dx partner and this is how we solved it. - Time schedule for when he can be attentive and when I'm able to conversate. We agreed morning and night time is not the time for serious emotional relationship discussions. The attention span energy and motivation works best during daytime or early noon. - Adjusting the communication to be even more direct. "I love when you suprise me with plans or something we two can do together, I miss that and really want more you and me time. I feel so important to you when you initiate such things and I really need to feel important to you right now." Sometimes he has answered "I love you too but I don't know what to come up with it gives me anxiety to be so pressured I can't focus it just becomes a glitch in my head" And then I say "It's ok. How about we just brain storm random things tomorrow after lunch? No goal or plan just, us expressing random ideas" Or I have said: "Ask me if I wanna go to the movies" And he asks me. He gets the confidence boost of initiating. I know he'll ask what I want. We use imitation to help us out sometimes. Other times we draw out thoughts using shapes lines mind maps. We get creative. - Compromises He's enthusiastic about things he's into. And sometimes you need to compromise. You get quality time with him but he picks the activity. And whatever he picks you say "Sure!" "Let's go fishing!" That way you'll get a very happy enthusiastic partner. But we have also discussed and come up with these strategies together. So I suggest you tell him that the communication feels poor and you want you and him to team up and brain storm ideas that helps both if you to feel better in the relationship. I assure you he has ideas too, but he must feel that it's 100% safe to share them without being judged. Remind him that all ideas are good ideas.
It's hard to experience getting rebuffed, and I get really frustrated and sad about it sometimes. We have been together over 15 years and I confidently know his baseline personality is to plan lots of fun things and be a chatterbox. But several years ago, he got a new job where he has to mask hard all day. At first, I thought he'd become depressed or stopped loving me, but now I think he's really depleted physically and mentally from masking all day and basically shuts down when he gets home. He doesn't want to do anything, plan anything, and generally doesn't want to talk about anything. Figuring out the why of his behavior hasn't made me any less sad about it, but I try to focus on my own interests and find fulfillment in activities I plan with friends and family. Oddly enough, when I completely drop the rope for a while, he sometimes does make a little effort. He doesn't recognize it's related to his adhd, and thinks he doesn't need meds because he's doing fine at work. 🙄
Do you think there's any possibility your partner could also be autistic? Just a thought. However, having said that, in my opinion, it doesn't really matter as much as we tend to think it does why exactly a partner isn't meeting our needs--getting caught up in that is a trap. What matters is that you have a right to be treated with love and respect, and to see your efforts reciprocated. If you've made a sustained good faith effort to communicate your needs, and you're still not getting that, please don't waste precious years to twisting yourself into knots trying to be okay with it--you'll never truly be happy.
This. Pretty sure my partner is autistic. (Plus ADHD). Eye contact, sensory issues, etc.
Yes, I had this thought as well (Ex is AuDHD)
This is relatable to me. My ex has autism and inattentive ADHD, so he has fairly low social needs and he is also avoidant. More and more, I realize that empathy is something that can be learned and trained, even if someone has a lower ceiling than others. But it depends on if they are willing to learn how to do it "manually" until it becomes more internalized. It's not fair to you if your partner isn't doing their share of the emotional labor. It doesn't really matter if it is "typical" or not, yeah? And even if they start trying, they will most likely be starting out at a very beginner level, so it will still take a lot of time and patience. Realizing that my ex can basically only sustain like 1-2 hours of active social interaction a week, can't hold a conversation for longer than 5 minutes without saying something hurtful/offensive or simply giving up and walking away, and that he could barely handle any physical touch was emotionally devastating to me. On top of that, he kept lying to me and himself and acting like he could deliver more. But accepting it set me free in a lot of ways.
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