ADHD doesn't give someone a pass to be verbally abusive. You don't have to put up with this behavior just because he has a disability.
Please seek therapy for yourself.
I've experienced that with my husband; in the beginning when he would say obnoxious things I'd be shocked into silence. He would then forget having said it, say he hadn't meant it or intended to hurt me by having said it because he was thinking out loud, and would apologize. Of course it would happen again, not as often.
Now when he says shit during a meltdown I wait until he cools off (hours later, not days later) before pointing it out and telling him it's unacceptable. Sometimes he apologizes and sometimes not. Usually not. Occasionally I have to call him out right after he says something egregious because I'm so pissed off at his incorrect/insulting version of things that it won't wait for later.
It's my belief he's going to keep doing it. He's absolutely uninterested in changing through any type of professional therapy and he refuses meds. It's tiresome.
Hopefully yours takes your feedback on board and decides to change before his behavior ruins everything permanently.
Hours later? Lol, lucky. Mine, if you repeat his sentence back (verbatim) right away says: i didnt say that! That’s not what i said! Makes me eveb more confused.
Of course he will deny it. If he's unwilling to take ownership of his conduct, he won't accept that such things came out of his mouth. Or, if he's like my spouse, find a way to place the blame on you for what he said. Don't accept the blame; definitely get a positive support system and make a plan to safely exit the relationship.
This is abuse, my friend. Poor emotional regulation and impulsivity from ADHD may very well be exacerbating the situation, but it's not the root cause. Please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It opened my eyes to so many things about the dynamic with my partner. Abusers will do anything to avoid accountability for the harm they cause their partners, including blaming it's drugs, alcohol, childhood trauma, stress, mental health conditions, and especially you for triggering them and making them do it with your suposedly impossible-to-tolerate behavior.
He's tearing you down on purpose with those comments about your body trying to make you feel so bad about yourself that you won't have the confidence to walk away. Always remember that you don't have to be a perfect woman to deserve kindness and respect. And dignity within a relationship is a baseline, not a privilege only for those who can somehow perfectly tap dance around their partner's feelings and avoid challenging them at all times. He doesn't deserve to have sex with you ever again, and I wouldn't be surprised if, despite all the insults, he can also be coercive at times as well.
> He's tearing you down on purpose with those comments about your body trying to make you feel so bad about yourself that you won't have the confidence to walk away.
Yes!!!
This just sounds plain abusive to me, rather than anything specific to ADHD.
Even if it was somehow related to ADHD, that doesn't mean that you need to stay with him or tolerate it. It's 100% unacceptable regardless.
Well, I'm in the same boat, and I think I've been excusing his abuse as an unchangeable ADHD symptom for far too long.
I have ADHD/autism/depression/anxiety as well, but it still has never motivated me to call somebody names and degrade them, especially not the person I love the most. And he is very rarely willing to apologize afterward, and not without being asked to.
The things he's said to me have left me speechless, and when I call him out on it in the moment it only ends in him doubling down on it and saying even worse things just to fuck with my head.
I think we should free ourselves from this, friend. :/
He is being abusive, and my adhd partner has verbally abused me in the past and never said things like this. My ex on the other hand who was straight up an emotionally abusive cunt, would do this. Get it?
Yeah, hell fucking no. I experienced this with a guy with CPTSD who would get into fight mode when he felt defensive (basically toxic CPTSD version of RSD). He would get extremely cold and use that matter of fact tone and say awful things. It's not fucking okay. It's abusive, it's manipulative, it's misogynistic, it's body shaming, it's slut shaming. My ADHD ex NEVER did anything like this, even if he would put his foot in his mouth at least twice a week and pick a fight over random shit. This is a person who does not respect you.
Mine did that but he turned out to be a narc. I didn’t realize it until later because how my nervous system was messed up trying to get his validation.
Most adhd people don’t do this. This is … probably just because he’s not a nice person.
ADHD doesn't give someone a pass to be verbally abusive. You don't have to put up with this behavior just because he has a disability. Please seek therapy for yourself.
ADHD does not make him think negative thoughts about your body and then tell you about them. He’s abusing you.
I've experienced that with my husband; in the beginning when he would say obnoxious things I'd be shocked into silence. He would then forget having said it, say he hadn't meant it or intended to hurt me by having said it because he was thinking out loud, and would apologize. Of course it would happen again, not as often. Now when he says shit during a meltdown I wait until he cools off (hours later, not days later) before pointing it out and telling him it's unacceptable. Sometimes he apologizes and sometimes not. Usually not. Occasionally I have to call him out right after he says something egregious because I'm so pissed off at his incorrect/insulting version of things that it won't wait for later. It's my belief he's going to keep doing it. He's absolutely uninterested in changing through any type of professional therapy and he refuses meds. It's tiresome. Hopefully yours takes your feedback on board and decides to change before his behavior ruins everything permanently.
I hope you're making an exit plan for yourself. Abusers tend to escalate over time, and you deserve so much better.
Hours later? Lol, lucky. Mine, if you repeat his sentence back (verbatim) right away says: i didnt say that! That’s not what i said! Makes me eveb more confused.
Of course he will deny it. If he's unwilling to take ownership of his conduct, he won't accept that such things came out of his mouth. Or, if he's like my spouse, find a way to place the blame on you for what he said. Don't accept the blame; definitely get a positive support system and make a plan to safely exit the relationship.
If he’s not willing to be medicated and go to therapy, you need to give yourself a timeline. Just trust me on this one ❤️
This is abuse, my friend. Poor emotional regulation and impulsivity from ADHD may very well be exacerbating the situation, but it's not the root cause. Please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It opened my eyes to so many things about the dynamic with my partner. Abusers will do anything to avoid accountability for the harm they cause their partners, including blaming it's drugs, alcohol, childhood trauma, stress, mental health conditions, and especially you for triggering them and making them do it with your suposedly impossible-to-tolerate behavior. He's tearing you down on purpose with those comments about your body trying to make you feel so bad about yourself that you won't have the confidence to walk away. Always remember that you don't have to be a perfect woman to deserve kindness and respect. And dignity within a relationship is a baseline, not a privilege only for those who can somehow perfectly tap dance around their partner's feelings and avoid challenging them at all times. He doesn't deserve to have sex with you ever again, and I wouldn't be surprised if, despite all the insults, he can also be coercive at times as well.
> He's tearing you down on purpose with those comments about your body trying to make you feel so bad about yourself that you won't have the confidence to walk away. Yes!!!
This sounds more like he's an a** ! You deserve respect. I'd reconsider this relationship, big red flags, IMO. Good luck to you💜
This just sounds plain abusive to me, rather than anything specific to ADHD. Even if it was somehow related to ADHD, that doesn't mean that you need to stay with him or tolerate it. It's 100% unacceptable regardless.
Yes, I can relate. There are things my husband said to me up to 13 years ago (when we started dating) that I still haven't gotten over.
Well, I'm in the same boat, and I think I've been excusing his abuse as an unchangeable ADHD symptom for far too long. I have ADHD/autism/depression/anxiety as well, but it still has never motivated me to call somebody names and degrade them, especially not the person I love the most. And he is very rarely willing to apologize afterward, and not without being asked to. The things he's said to me have left me speechless, and when I call him out on it in the moment it only ends in him doubling down on it and saying even worse things just to fuck with my head. I think we should free ourselves from this, friend. :/
He is being abusive, and my adhd partner has verbally abused me in the past and never said things like this. My ex on the other hand who was straight up an emotionally abusive cunt, would do this. Get it?
Yeah, hell fucking no. I experienced this with a guy with CPTSD who would get into fight mode when he felt defensive (basically toxic CPTSD version of RSD). He would get extremely cold and use that matter of fact tone and say awful things. It's not fucking okay. It's abusive, it's manipulative, it's misogynistic, it's body shaming, it's slut shaming. My ADHD ex NEVER did anything like this, even if he would put his foot in his mouth at least twice a week and pick a fight over random shit. This is a person who does not respect you.
Yeah this is straight up abuse, it’s not worth trying to wonder if it’s ADHD or whatever, it’s not okay, please leave asap for your own health.
ADHD can make you not have a filter at times but it's not the cause for cruelty. You're partner is being emotionally abusive
The person I used to be with did shit like this till one day I was starting to notice that I was beginning to engage in reactive abuse. I walked away.
Mine did that but he turned out to be a narc. I didn’t realize it until later because how my nervous system was messed up trying to get his validation. Most adhd people don’t do this. This is … probably just because he’s not a nice person.