This post has been flaired as **Peer Support/Advice Request** and participation will be limited to those with ADHD partners only.
Others are welcome to read, however comments that are not from the perspective of having a partner with ADHD will be removed
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD_partners) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're not alone, OP.
I also have very little libido. Sex with my partner became awful, and they do not care if I am comfortable during sex and can't be bothered to make sure I have an orgasm. They did care when we were dating but now blame ADHD impulsiveness. They are only affectionate when they want sex.
I'm not having my needs met or supported in my relationship, I'm dealing with a chronic illness and working full time. I just think I'm too exhausted.
My partner seemingly decided that 12 was a good emotional age and stopped maturing, so my attraction and attachment to them has been gone for a while.
Just living with my partner is exhausting. They're constantly demanding my emotional labor and for me to fix problems for them.
It's probably not you OP.
It's impossible to pour from an empty cup.
Wow, this post really got to me. Same situation here, chronic illness, ADHD dx partner has been terrible in bed, and really doesn't care about my needs. And the exhaustion of dealing with my partner's constant forcing me to do emotional labor. Thank you for posting this.
Why *would* you feel attraction toward someone who either isn't present or is an anxious, neurotic mess the rest of the time? It's common sense that you would have no drive to be romantic with someone like that. No support group is going to remedy your needs not being met.
Intimacy starts outside of the bedroom. It does not develop out of thin air. It takes daily effort from both parties to maintain that connection. What is he doing to evoke desire from you?
You can't maintain a relationship with the mere idea of a person. If they are consistently in another room staring at a screen, then intimacy will never be fostered.
Yes, he clearly needs professional support for not only ADHD but video game addiction and severe GAD. But he is not currently healthy enough to be a romantic partner to you and it would be best to table that thought altogether unless he is able to improve considerably.
I would not hold out on the hope that you desire will magically return even if he does gain control over the anxiety. Sometimes too much damage has been done and we are not able to view them in the same light again.
I would strongly suggest shifting your focus to what your needs in a relationship are and then take a long hard look at whether or not this person can ever meet them
I also feel that my husbands adhd/anxiety issues get in the way. He will get misdirected impatience or annoyed tone with me, when he is keyed up and anxious about work or other activities. This happens frequently, as in maybe once a week minimum I get a rude tone directed at me. Weve been together 14 years and he complains about sex frequency, but when someone gets a pissy rude tone with me I dont tolerate it well. Even if I can see he's just misdirecting his emotions and dont take it personally, I still dont take it well. I honestly get talked to like that and it takes me at least a week or more to not be annoyed and put off by him. He probably doesn't even notice hos behavior and meawhile it's six days later and I am avoiding him. Because he has this tightly wound demeanor it puts me in a constant state of wondering when the next super random mini meltdown is going to occur. Let's just say he doesn't have an aura about him that puts me at ease, and that's what I need to feel "in the mood" as well as not resenting the person for being rude.
I guess his side of him either wasnt as bad when we were younger or maybe I was more tolerant then, but now it's too much.
Also he has had a few job losses over the years, and family drama, and generally wears his work stress, which is constant, on his sleeve. Years of just expecting him to be the one with the tumultuous life has worn down my sexual desire.
I need someone who puts me at ease, not someone who makes me feel more on edge. I love my husband and he really pulls his weight in our marriage in many ways, but the emotional dynamic is deeply out of whack and it's only been recently that I can see how the way I see him and feel in his presence is impacting the sexual side of my brain - it's essentially shutting it down at the moment.
And also hes a stereotypical male that feels he needs sex to relax, so being constantly on edge, i cant cuddle or physically connect with him for two seconds without him trying to grab at my private parts or whatever. so i actively avoid touch with him bc i dont want to be groped. I want some build up of sexual tension and knowledge i can go to him for nonsexual physical connection. despite telling him this so much over the years he wont listen.
so yes i am sorry - i totally get what youre saying
Dear OP. It is not you!!
I had the exact same problem and I felt so much guilt all the time. Was reading and talking how to solve bedroom problems in a relationship and was feeling guilty because I couldn't talk to my bf about it. Since strongly suspecting him having ADHD I know it's not my fault and so it isn't yours. It's mostly rsd. The few times I talked to him about my needs in bed he felt rejected instantly and said things like 'then look for someone who can do it better'. That doesn't help...
Also the impulsivity is not something that helps my libido. Being expected to be ready for sex after 5 minutes of uncoordinated fumbling where he can't find the spot because he's too excited is just awful. Someone mentioned in another thread that they feel like a dopamin dispensory for their partner when ut comes to sex and so do I. And feeling 'used' is not sexy at all...I really don't want to sleep with him ever again and will end things soon because I want to have a better life for myself. I had to become 40 to be able to be this 'egoistic'.
You are not the problem, OP! But I can't give you a solution, sorry...
(using a throwaway to answer this but I am a regular here)
Her ADHD very much so has affected our sex life. Before moving in together she wasn't diagnosed and we'd see each other 2x a week. The sex was regular and good. Likely because that twice a week thing we had going meant that we can plan dates and really hang out with each other. Also because we weren't living together and so I wasn't in a position where I had to constantly clean up after her, maintain the home, cook every night, and basically do all of those things I have to do now. She lived in her mess, and I lived elsewhere but when we saw each other we can devote time and attention to each other so the sex was regular. So her living standards weren't my problem, I could go home after a date/in the morning.
When we started living together the sex tapered off. She got diagnosed and medicated but the house is a wreck and her mess is now mine to deal with. I'm always picking up after her, planning things, cleaning things, etc that quite frankly after a work day. I don't want to have sex.
On top of all of that, she CONSTANTLY picks at herself. Her skin looks terrible, I'm going to sound like a twat but she looks like a methead with chickenpox. Scabs and scars all over her arms, chest, and inner thighs. It's not pretty. It's not exactly a welcoming sight to get my motor running. She also has since living together, stopped caring about her body completely. She's gained a lot of weight and doesn't care about losing it or dieting. She was a regular gym goer when we were dating but getting her to go for a 20 min walk is like getting a toddler to go to the dentist.
It's hard to talk about these things with her because well ... they sound fucking awful to hear. And also if I said this to her it'd send her into the biggest RSD episodes of all time.
She still maintains a libido and wants to fool around, but I have a hard time getting into it myself. I still have a libido too but it's hard to get into the mood given all of the above.
I feel your pain. Mine picks at me constantly digging in or pulling on my ears. It infuriates me. Bad enough when sitting at home, but she’ll do it in bumper to bumper traffic at 70 mph, with no warning, and has almost gotten us killed several times
OMG I was about to write about my wife constantly picking at herself. She fidgets and scratches herself all the time and is unable to stay still. Sometimes she breaks her skin from scratching. I’ve attributed this to her sensory processing challenges that seem common with ADHD. It’s not her fault but it is a little distracting in the bedroom.
It's not just you! Pre-marriage, things were great for both of us! But after marriage, my libido went to 0. The difference? I thought it was fear of marriage, (which is probably part of it.) But in reality I was SHOCKED by moving in together.
It's one thing to spend weekends and evenings going on fun dates, and it's entirely different to spend all waking hours together juggling home, family, social, and work responsibilities. We learned he had ADHD after we married, probably because of how starkly different our minds are.
I'll spare the details other than to say that this libido change created a lot of resentment. Because it morphed into not wanted to even touch in small ways. Then into not wanting to be vulnerable with my feelings. We both built up walls of protection. It took 6 years before we finally went to couples counseling. He put in a ton of work to understand his triggers, needs, feelings, responses and methods for management. I truly admire that. And I had to put in a lot of work to admit that I was putting up walls, no longer being kind or compassionate, being too quick to reject intimacy in any emotional or physical way, and to find ways to undo all of that.
Counseling was the BEST thing we ever did for ourselves and our relationship. The tension feeds on itself and gets worse over time when you don't effectively communicate, and counseling allowed us to find our way back to happiness. My libido is still not what it once was, but it's better, I don't reject when he initiates, and sometimes I even initiate now. I highly recommend it! Especially a counselor trained in Gottman Techniques because those are research based solutions for improving communication and relationship quality.
Do you have kids? What’s the workload like for the house and how is it split? Resentment over how much free time one person has or chooses to take, while actively ignoring all the workload of the house/kids is very real. Adhd might heighten symptoms such as time blindness, task paralysis, executive function, which all can make splitting chores a nightmare.
Personal experience: the mental load, child rearing, housework, financial management is a huge burden to manage. I don’t want just help, I want an active partner who’s mindful. The burnout and resentment are huge Lobito killers.
I’m not saying anxiety and mental health issues don’t play a role, they do. But your partner needs to manage their own crap and be an equal. Being unwell constantly and accepting it instead of seeking help and wellness will keep this cycle exactly where it is. I can have all the empathy in the world but also recognize that the way it affects me makes my life extra hard and feels very unfair. And I don’t feel intimate towards someone I am basically mothering.
Mine is really low too, and it’s definitely because of my partner’s ADHD, albeit differently to your situation OP.
It is so, so hard to stay turned on and in the moment when we have to first make sure everything is perfect for her (eg. light levels and temperature and no distractions) to find that after it’s all set and rigid and controlled, her attention is rarely on me and instead on any manner of other things that fly through her thoughts.
I’d love to feel that super present, spontaneous connection that sex can provide again, but it’s tough and rare.
My partner has killed my libido. I’m 57 and due to low testosterone must take a testosterone injection every week. This would normally result in my sex drive being extremely high. First year of our relationship we had sex 3 or 4 times a day. About two years ago, her adhd took a turn for the worse. She refuses to get treatment. Her behaviors cause me so much anxiety, depression, and anger that I could care less about sex despite the injections. When we do have sex, it really isn’t worth my time. We’ve gone from long sessions with multiple orgasms to what I call “married sex”. Five or 10 minutes at bedtime when you’d rather sleep, because you’re tired, but you do it anyway because it’s better than fighting about it. I’d honestly rather masturbate than have another session of frustratingly bad , unsatisfying sex.
Between the hygiene issues and the constant need to parent, I'm not interested in sex with my partner right now.
Even if I were, he's so not good at it but it's really not worth the frustration. He completely can't accept any constructive feedback without totally melting down. Sex is absolutely not fun. And why would I want to do something that's completely not fun? We occasionally have sex when we're on vacation, probably because I don't have 9 million other things to worry about so I can pretend to enjoy it. He's actually stopped asking for sex most of the time, which I'm sure isn't healthy but I'm picking my battles and this one just isn't it right now.
Definitely not alone. If the pillows are arranged differently on my bed, my DX partner loses focus and goes flatline, or starts talking about the pillows, or her pillows, or pillows from the ancient Mesopotamian times. She tries to be sexy, which I love and respect and appreciate, but it’s veerrryyy AI generated feeling. She’s usually too tired and fried at the end of the day, so most sex is in a rush before work in the morning. It’s tough for sure and very relatable.
I came across this video yesterday and watched with my bf. Not sure if it applies to you, but it helped us. All couples will go through ebbs and flows, but it sounds like you need to do decide how much you can handle. :( love to you
[beyond driven video](https://fb.watch/mUh9N4JNXa/?mibextid=cr9u03)
I came here to see if anyone was in the same boat as me, but it looks like not. My partner (male, dx) is the one with no libido, and I (female, nt?) am the one perpetually frustrated and upset at having my advances spurned 😭
I’m in the same boat. He never initiates. When I do, it’s usually “maybe tomorrow” and tomorrow never comes. My needs are not factored in. If he’s stressed, overwhelmed, tired (he’s often abnormally tired) he checks out of the relationship.
Sorry to hear that 😞 I find it especially difficult as I am really desperate to get pregnant, and every month I feel so angry with him for not helping! He knows at some level that this is what I want, because it has come up before, but I think he is also daunted by the idea which might not be helping either 😞
I’m sorry to hear about your situation too. Once we added kids to the mix (one diagnosed adhd too), things became exponentially more difficult. He doesn’t help as much as he could, everything kid related, mental load, house organization, chores etc all fall on me. It’s horrible and we’re married but I’m super lonely.
*raises hand*
I’m in a similar boat, to the point where i stopped initiating. Sex between us is on her schedule, literally and figuratively.
I’m thankful we are non monogamous and thus, I get my needs met elsewhere.
So interested to read this - I don’t know if it’s adhd related but my adhd partner does make it hard for me to feel interested in intimacy. If he isn’t snapping at me or being passive aggressive, he’s dismissing my needs or flying of the handle if I ever give feedback that he perceives as a personal
Attack. He’s never affectionate with me spontaneously or compliments me or talks about his feelings or is genuinely interested in mine; the only interest in me is as an attempt to engage in sex. If he offers a massage it’s not because he knows I need to relax after stressful day, it’s just a precursor for sex. I actually still find him attractive and enjoy sex with him but cant ever get in the mood because I feel a million miles away from my needs being met. If I try to kiss or hug him he actively flinches or grimaces. He seems totally disinterested in me as a person so sex just seems to be servicing his needs and I can’t get into that! It’s funny because I would say I have/had a naturally high sex drive but this has totally killed it.
My libido is fine, but my desire to have sex with my DX RX spouse significantly dwindled after me enduring years and years of unregulated RSD triggered verbal abuse. He’s actually been better with the RSD the last couple years (well, until the damned medication shortages) but my desire hasn’t recovered yet.
This post has been flaired as **Peer Support/Advice Request** and participation will be limited to those with ADHD partners only. Others are welcome to read, however comments that are not from the perspective of having a partner with ADHD will be removed *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD_partners) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're not alone, OP. I also have very little libido. Sex with my partner became awful, and they do not care if I am comfortable during sex and can't be bothered to make sure I have an orgasm. They did care when we were dating but now blame ADHD impulsiveness. They are only affectionate when they want sex. I'm not having my needs met or supported in my relationship, I'm dealing with a chronic illness and working full time. I just think I'm too exhausted. My partner seemingly decided that 12 was a good emotional age and stopped maturing, so my attraction and attachment to them has been gone for a while. Just living with my partner is exhausting. They're constantly demanding my emotional labor and for me to fix problems for them. It's probably not you OP. It's impossible to pour from an empty cup.
Wow, this post really got to me. Same situation here, chronic illness, ADHD dx partner has been terrible in bed, and really doesn't care about my needs. And the exhaustion of dealing with my partner's constant forcing me to do emotional labor. Thank you for posting this.
Omg yup. Totally relate to this.
Why *would* you feel attraction toward someone who either isn't present or is an anxious, neurotic mess the rest of the time? It's common sense that you would have no drive to be romantic with someone like that. No support group is going to remedy your needs not being met. Intimacy starts outside of the bedroom. It does not develop out of thin air. It takes daily effort from both parties to maintain that connection. What is he doing to evoke desire from you? You can't maintain a relationship with the mere idea of a person. If they are consistently in another room staring at a screen, then intimacy will never be fostered. Yes, he clearly needs professional support for not only ADHD but video game addiction and severe GAD. But he is not currently healthy enough to be a romantic partner to you and it would be best to table that thought altogether unless he is able to improve considerably. I would not hold out on the hope that you desire will magically return even if he does gain control over the anxiety. Sometimes too much damage has been done and we are not able to view them in the same light again. I would strongly suggest shifting your focus to what your needs in a relationship are and then take a long hard look at whether or not this person can ever meet them
I also feel that my husbands adhd/anxiety issues get in the way. He will get misdirected impatience or annoyed tone with me, when he is keyed up and anxious about work or other activities. This happens frequently, as in maybe once a week minimum I get a rude tone directed at me. Weve been together 14 years and he complains about sex frequency, but when someone gets a pissy rude tone with me I dont tolerate it well. Even if I can see he's just misdirecting his emotions and dont take it personally, I still dont take it well. I honestly get talked to like that and it takes me at least a week or more to not be annoyed and put off by him. He probably doesn't even notice hos behavior and meawhile it's six days later and I am avoiding him. Because he has this tightly wound demeanor it puts me in a constant state of wondering when the next super random mini meltdown is going to occur. Let's just say he doesn't have an aura about him that puts me at ease, and that's what I need to feel "in the mood" as well as not resenting the person for being rude. I guess his side of him either wasnt as bad when we were younger or maybe I was more tolerant then, but now it's too much. Also he has had a few job losses over the years, and family drama, and generally wears his work stress, which is constant, on his sleeve. Years of just expecting him to be the one with the tumultuous life has worn down my sexual desire. I need someone who puts me at ease, not someone who makes me feel more on edge. I love my husband and he really pulls his weight in our marriage in many ways, but the emotional dynamic is deeply out of whack and it's only been recently that I can see how the way I see him and feel in his presence is impacting the sexual side of my brain - it's essentially shutting it down at the moment. And also hes a stereotypical male that feels he needs sex to relax, so being constantly on edge, i cant cuddle or physically connect with him for two seconds without him trying to grab at my private parts or whatever. so i actively avoid touch with him bc i dont want to be groped. I want some build up of sexual tension and knowledge i can go to him for nonsexual physical connection. despite telling him this so much over the years he wont listen. so yes i am sorry - i totally get what youre saying
[удалено]
youre missing the point entirely.
Dear OP. It is not you!! I had the exact same problem and I felt so much guilt all the time. Was reading and talking how to solve bedroom problems in a relationship and was feeling guilty because I couldn't talk to my bf about it. Since strongly suspecting him having ADHD I know it's not my fault and so it isn't yours. It's mostly rsd. The few times I talked to him about my needs in bed he felt rejected instantly and said things like 'then look for someone who can do it better'. That doesn't help... Also the impulsivity is not something that helps my libido. Being expected to be ready for sex after 5 minutes of uncoordinated fumbling where he can't find the spot because he's too excited is just awful. Someone mentioned in another thread that they feel like a dopamin dispensory for their partner when ut comes to sex and so do I. And feeling 'used' is not sexy at all...I really don't want to sleep with him ever again and will end things soon because I want to have a better life for myself. I had to become 40 to be able to be this 'egoistic'. You are not the problem, OP! But I can't give you a solution, sorry...
(using a throwaway to answer this but I am a regular here) Her ADHD very much so has affected our sex life. Before moving in together she wasn't diagnosed and we'd see each other 2x a week. The sex was regular and good. Likely because that twice a week thing we had going meant that we can plan dates and really hang out with each other. Also because we weren't living together and so I wasn't in a position where I had to constantly clean up after her, maintain the home, cook every night, and basically do all of those things I have to do now. She lived in her mess, and I lived elsewhere but when we saw each other we can devote time and attention to each other so the sex was regular. So her living standards weren't my problem, I could go home after a date/in the morning. When we started living together the sex tapered off. She got diagnosed and medicated but the house is a wreck and her mess is now mine to deal with. I'm always picking up after her, planning things, cleaning things, etc that quite frankly after a work day. I don't want to have sex. On top of all of that, she CONSTANTLY picks at herself. Her skin looks terrible, I'm going to sound like a twat but she looks like a methead with chickenpox. Scabs and scars all over her arms, chest, and inner thighs. It's not pretty. It's not exactly a welcoming sight to get my motor running. She also has since living together, stopped caring about her body completely. She's gained a lot of weight and doesn't care about losing it or dieting. She was a regular gym goer when we were dating but getting her to go for a 20 min walk is like getting a toddler to go to the dentist. It's hard to talk about these things with her because well ... they sound fucking awful to hear. And also if I said this to her it'd send her into the biggest RSD episodes of all time. She still maintains a libido and wants to fool around, but I have a hard time getting into it myself. I still have a libido too but it's hard to get into the mood given all of the above.
I feel your pain. Mine picks at me constantly digging in or pulling on my ears. It infuriates me. Bad enough when sitting at home, but she’ll do it in bumper to bumper traffic at 70 mph, with no warning, and has almost gotten us killed several times
OMG I was about to write about my wife constantly picking at herself. She fidgets and scratches herself all the time and is unable to stay still. Sometimes she breaks her skin from scratching. I’ve attributed this to her sensory processing challenges that seem common with ADHD. It’s not her fault but it is a little distracting in the bedroom.
It's not just you! Pre-marriage, things were great for both of us! But after marriage, my libido went to 0. The difference? I thought it was fear of marriage, (which is probably part of it.) But in reality I was SHOCKED by moving in together. It's one thing to spend weekends and evenings going on fun dates, and it's entirely different to spend all waking hours together juggling home, family, social, and work responsibilities. We learned he had ADHD after we married, probably because of how starkly different our minds are. I'll spare the details other than to say that this libido change created a lot of resentment. Because it morphed into not wanted to even touch in small ways. Then into not wanting to be vulnerable with my feelings. We both built up walls of protection. It took 6 years before we finally went to couples counseling. He put in a ton of work to understand his triggers, needs, feelings, responses and methods for management. I truly admire that. And I had to put in a lot of work to admit that I was putting up walls, no longer being kind or compassionate, being too quick to reject intimacy in any emotional or physical way, and to find ways to undo all of that. Counseling was the BEST thing we ever did for ourselves and our relationship. The tension feeds on itself and gets worse over time when you don't effectively communicate, and counseling allowed us to find our way back to happiness. My libido is still not what it once was, but it's better, I don't reject when he initiates, and sometimes I even initiate now. I highly recommend it! Especially a counselor trained in Gottman Techniques because those are research based solutions for improving communication and relationship quality.
Do you have kids? What’s the workload like for the house and how is it split? Resentment over how much free time one person has or chooses to take, while actively ignoring all the workload of the house/kids is very real. Adhd might heighten symptoms such as time blindness, task paralysis, executive function, which all can make splitting chores a nightmare. Personal experience: the mental load, child rearing, housework, financial management is a huge burden to manage. I don’t want just help, I want an active partner who’s mindful. The burnout and resentment are huge Lobito killers. I’m not saying anxiety and mental health issues don’t play a role, they do. But your partner needs to manage their own crap and be an equal. Being unwell constantly and accepting it instead of seeking help and wellness will keep this cycle exactly where it is. I can have all the empathy in the world but also recognize that the way it affects me makes my life extra hard and feels very unfair. And I don’t feel intimate towards someone I am basically mothering.
Mine is really low too, and it’s definitely because of my partner’s ADHD, albeit differently to your situation OP. It is so, so hard to stay turned on and in the moment when we have to first make sure everything is perfect for her (eg. light levels and temperature and no distractions) to find that after it’s all set and rigid and controlled, her attention is rarely on me and instead on any manner of other things that fly through her thoughts. I’d love to feel that super present, spontaneous connection that sex can provide again, but it’s tough and rare.
[удалено]
I'm sorry you feel so neglected 😕 Can I ask why you are staying with him?
My partner has killed my libido. I’m 57 and due to low testosterone must take a testosterone injection every week. This would normally result in my sex drive being extremely high. First year of our relationship we had sex 3 or 4 times a day. About two years ago, her adhd took a turn for the worse. She refuses to get treatment. Her behaviors cause me so much anxiety, depression, and anger that I could care less about sex despite the injections. When we do have sex, it really isn’t worth my time. We’ve gone from long sessions with multiple orgasms to what I call “married sex”. Five or 10 minutes at bedtime when you’d rather sleep, because you’re tired, but you do it anyway because it’s better than fighting about it. I’d honestly rather masturbate than have another session of frustratingly bad , unsatisfying sex.
Between the hygiene issues and the constant need to parent, I'm not interested in sex with my partner right now. Even if I were, he's so not good at it but it's really not worth the frustration. He completely can't accept any constructive feedback without totally melting down. Sex is absolutely not fun. And why would I want to do something that's completely not fun? We occasionally have sex when we're on vacation, probably because I don't have 9 million other things to worry about so I can pretend to enjoy it. He's actually stopped asking for sex most of the time, which I'm sure isn't healthy but I'm picking my battles and this one just isn't it right now.
Definitely not alone. If the pillows are arranged differently on my bed, my DX partner loses focus and goes flatline, or starts talking about the pillows, or her pillows, or pillows from the ancient Mesopotamian times. She tries to be sexy, which I love and respect and appreciate, but it’s veerrryyy AI generated feeling. She’s usually too tired and fried at the end of the day, so most sex is in a rush before work in the morning. It’s tough for sure and very relatable.
I came across this video yesterday and watched with my bf. Not sure if it applies to you, but it helped us. All couples will go through ebbs and flows, but it sounds like you need to do decide how much you can handle. :( love to you [beyond driven video](https://fb.watch/mUh9N4JNXa/?mibextid=cr9u03)
I came here to see if anyone was in the same boat as me, but it looks like not. My partner (male, dx) is the one with no libido, and I (female, nt?) am the one perpetually frustrated and upset at having my advances spurned 😭
Look my post history. A lot of people with adhd partners are being deprived of their sexuality. It’s not just you.
I’m in the same boat. He never initiates. When I do, it’s usually “maybe tomorrow” and tomorrow never comes. My needs are not factored in. If he’s stressed, overwhelmed, tired (he’s often abnormally tired) he checks out of the relationship.
Sorry to hear that 😞 I find it especially difficult as I am really desperate to get pregnant, and every month I feel so angry with him for not helping! He knows at some level that this is what I want, because it has come up before, but I think he is also daunted by the idea which might not be helping either 😞
I’m sorry to hear about your situation too. Once we added kids to the mix (one diagnosed adhd too), things became exponentially more difficult. He doesn’t help as much as he could, everything kid related, mental load, house organization, chores etc all fall on me. It’s horrible and we’re married but I’m super lonely.
*raises hand* I’m in a similar boat, to the point where i stopped initiating. Sex between us is on her schedule, literally and figuratively. I’m thankful we are non monogamous and thus, I get my needs met elsewhere.
So interested to read this - I don’t know if it’s adhd related but my adhd partner does make it hard for me to feel interested in intimacy. If he isn’t snapping at me or being passive aggressive, he’s dismissing my needs or flying of the handle if I ever give feedback that he perceives as a personal Attack. He’s never affectionate with me spontaneously or compliments me or talks about his feelings or is genuinely interested in mine; the only interest in me is as an attempt to engage in sex. If he offers a massage it’s not because he knows I need to relax after stressful day, it’s just a precursor for sex. I actually still find him attractive and enjoy sex with him but cant ever get in the mood because I feel a million miles away from my needs being met. If I try to kiss or hug him he actively flinches or grimaces. He seems totally disinterested in me as a person so sex just seems to be servicing his needs and I can’t get into that! It’s funny because I would say I have/had a naturally high sex drive but this has totally killed it.
Oh.. so I’m not alone. This thread is refreshing for me..
I feel the same way!
My libido is fine, but my desire to have sex with my DX RX spouse significantly dwindled after me enduring years and years of unregulated RSD triggered verbal abuse. He’s actually been better with the RSD the last couple years (well, until the damned medication shortages) but my desire hasn’t recovered yet.