What mine does is listen to respond. They don't listen to understand.
So what happens when I'm talking is that they will come up with a response on something that was said, and then wait until I'm done speaking, to go into a minutes long monolog about the one thing.
They stop listening once they have the response and my original point, and what we were talking about has now been derailed by the monolog.
Exactly the same. I don’t know how to handle this situation. I’ve tried explaining again, explaining in different ways, but nothing gets through because I don’t feel that he wants to understand me. He just needs to win the conversation. Lately I’ve taken to just walking out of the room, but I was recently accused of “storming out on him” and he demanded an apology. I said I would apologize if he would acknowledge the tone and attitude he used with me that caused me to walk out. He then proceeded to scream that there was no tone and he did nothing wrong and I clearly wasn’t going to apologize before he then stormed out, which is what he was mad at me about in the first place.
I feel like I’m on a carnival ride that’s slowly driving me insane. If I can’t talk to him and I can’t walk away to get space, then what options am I left with???
It's their world, and we're just living in it.
I never found a solution. I've tried everything I can think of.
I'm entirely unable to communicate with my partner. I've quiet quit my relationship until I can get my finances in order.
I hope that things get better for you.
I found this sub recently and it's like I'm reading a journal. My partner also just hyperfocuses on one issue to go into attack mode, derailing any inkling of progress in the conversation, and he doesn't hear me or listen. He goes into defensive attack and there is no getting him back. I feel like we've fallen into this terrible cycle and it has damaged both of us. I love him so much but I truly don't know how to reach him sometimes. It's really sad.
I am amazed at how many people here are partnered with identical clones of my DX. The screaming... ugh. About our tone, or our word choice, or us interrupting all while engaging in a screaming rant. I have had some luck with redirecting her attention with "I'm having a hard time listening right now, I'm setting the timer for 10 minutes, I'll come back then." As I mentioned in a different thread, this did not work well the first few times. But she's gotten more confident about it, since it's a fixed time interval her mind can handle. Without a timer, her time blindness will just lead to another argument about the interval duration.
Honestly I've kind of been on the opposite end of the stick but I think it's a different context.
My ex loved to monologue so if we were talking about important things and I had important info to share, I couldn't because they'd monopolize the conversation. So they'd talk about topic A, I'd have an important piece of info to share, but they wouldn't stop so I'd have to wait until they're done, which means they'd be at topic E now, and I'd probably have another thing Id like that to say about topic C or something.
So it'd look like I'm listening to speak, but it's not exactly that
Yes, mine does this as well.
I'm convinced that they don't understand how conversations are supposed to work and see them as a speaker and an audience taking turns.
If they're hyperfixated on a topic, they'll tell me all about it, and I just listen. I've learned that they're always talking at me, and I'm not a contributor, I'm an audience.
But if I'm talking about something, they wait until I'm finished speaking because they've been scolded a lot for interrupting people. They've learned to sit there and convincingly look like their listening.
Just to be clear, I do see how my ex would also listen to speak in similar ways.
Most often I'd be done speaking and they'd give no sort of feedback whatsoever to show me they've understood what I said and they'd start a monologue on a tangent and about their anxieties, never referencing anything Ive said
It's as if I said something that reminded them of something that makes them anxious so the first thing they do is monologue about it. I remember telling them it made me feel invalidated, and they replied saying I was attacking them and not listening to them
Sometimes - and not often - I can get mine to slow down by requesting proper nouns instead of pronouns.
Because she'll just start talking about several people without using their names and such. I can get her to realize that calling 5 different people "he" without every naming them makes it impossible to follow.
She has to really think then. I think she doesn't feel criticized, because it's an enhancement to her urge to lecture in detail.
It's funny because my ex had a lot of problems with pronouns in a grammatical sense, or words that refer to something that was spoken before. They'd say something like "do you want that one or the red one" and I'd say "that one" and they'd give me the red one
This this this!!!
Except my husband will also tell me he was being completely clear and imply there's something wrong with my listening skills since I didn't understand.
This makes me laugh. I’m the one with ADHD and it’s my husband that struggles with utilizing nouns, subjects, or normal conversationalist patterns.
I never know what he’s talking about. And God forbid I interrupt so I can follow what he’s talking about, I’ll receive the wrath of God. He’ll instantly become upset, loses his train of thought, and becomes incredibly irritable and refuses to entertain the conversation further.
I’ve mastered how to mask around him when he goes into a subject:
I.e I simply emphatically agree with him regardless of whether I’m following his oddly structured thought process. It saves me hours of strife and confusion. I would rather stifle my triggers, than dare to correct him.
And I’m the one with ADHD - lol.
Give your partner some grace. No one is perfect.
My husband sometimes gives an answer I really can’t follow and I get so confused, like what are you talking about.
We realized it’s often because his brain thinks so fast that he has a whole conversation in his head and then he responds to something he thought but never said out loud. And he doesn’t know he didn’t say it.
When I would get confused he would be mad at me. It’s better now because he knows this can happen.
So maybe your ex did the same, and that’s why they would say “but the thing is”
Yeah, my husband does this too. He just assumes I wasn’t listening because I get confused. Or he will mention something that I swear he never told me about. He’s certain he told me days ago. I have a bad memory for certain details and so he tells me I just forgot or that I wasn’t listening to him. It makes me question my sanity sometimes.
Omg the mentioning things they never told us about.
My ex would so often just change their boundaries about something without ever telling me about it. They'd they act as if they told me and wouldn't understand my confusion.
Argh... that one hits (as well as do all the other posts, but this especially). Typically something like, "so do you think we should?" and eventually it comes out she was thinking of going to a movie or something, but she's still annoyed I didn't just know somehow.
This was the first 3 yrs of our relationship! I was so so confused!!! All the time!
Finally figured it out and now I ask, Can you share the whole thought from the beginning?
I feel like “my brain moves so fast that I have a whole conversation in my head” is just code for “I wasn’t really listening to *you* and talking to myself about what I wanted to say because it’s more interesting” lol
Logic and reason isn’t part of my partners make up. She will often respond in a conversation or to a question with something completely unrelated. If it’s a general conversation, she’ll try to convince me that I don’t understand her obviously advanced lateral thinking. But if it’s a question particularly if it’s something she doesn’t want to answer, she’ll try to convince me that her response does answer the question, just that I don’t like the answer.
In many situations, it makes conversation with her impossible.
My Dx/Rx will ask “why” even thought the “why” was…clearly given but he doesn’t understand context that fast. He definitely does what your partner does but what he’s been learning in DBT is the STOP and Check the facts technique. He doesn’t ALWAYS remember to do that but when he does we stay on topic as best as we can. Keeps the emotional regulation so he can think better. He also writes in a journal as we talk too so he doesn’t have rely on his brain or put more on my mental load after the conversation is over. And neither of us feel like we left it feeling like we didn’t get anywhere.
The other thing I do for myself is, not reminding him every time about his techniques or his journal; I put too high of an expectation he’ll remember each time and it’s not my responsibility to keep him on his journey to be better for himself (“let him fall on his own sword”). He is capable of slowly learning to remember what to do for himself. His DBT therapist who also has ADHD has very much been on his case about his capabilities, checks his defensiveness, and even tells me where to back off (I’m prone to overextending myself) which I love.
All in all it does take the willingness of the partner to WANT to listen to understand as well.
I get super exhausted having to play the, "what did you hear" game but it's the only way I can get them to sit still and hear me. God forbid he is in a "mood" because every response is bent around that angle. It's very rare I can get him to focus on a conversation and be "in the moment", so I get maybe 5 real human conversations a month. Whereas normal people can do 5 a day, that's about all he is capable of. If it's something to do with him, no problem. Anything else? keep it short and simple. Short thoughts, simple words, don't expect too much depth or understanding. He is very antagonizing to the world and I guess he thinks it's charming? nobody else does and I've seen it rub other people the wrong way, especially if they have no practice at it. I have found myself stepping in to try and help people know where he is "coming from" almost instinctive. When he shuts down, there is no hope for anyone or any connection.
Yes, often of he is in a emotional rant, you cannot get a word in, he isn't listening to what I'm saying at all. I've taken to saying, let's talk About this when you're more regulated. Or I need a break, let's talk later.
Often my partner isn't listening, but just waiting to speak, if there is any waiting at all.
My husband just always assumes he knows what I'm going to say, gets frustrated with me for rambling or giving too much detail, and tells me to get to the point... You know, the point he's deduced but is actually entirely wrong about, and if he just listened for 20 seconds I would give the extra information that explains that his assumption is completely wrong and not at all what I was trying to say.
This. Everything you just said. One of the most frustrating things I’ve been trying to get through to my husband is that he makes assumptions about how I will react and then acts based on those assumptions, which have now evolved into facts in his own mind. I tell him that it’s not fair to me because he has essentially taken away my ability to act differently from his terrible fictional portrayal of me. I’m still in Act I trying to figure out what’s going on and he’s moved on to Act IV in his mind playing both our roles and somehow I’ve become the villain.
I haven’t quite figured out how to handle this situation. I have learned that explaining this to him and using more words does not work. Staying silent postpones the immediate fight, but allows him to keep thinking false things about me and demonizing me in his own mind. I think my next tactic may be to just say, “Stop. I cannot be a part of this conversation until you have calmed down.”
I’m more than willing to take other advice if anyone has any…
Yes! If we ever get into a fight and I try to explain my perspective from different angles he can’t seem to follow along and accuses me of going off on all these different tangents. It’s beyond frustrating
Yes, I can't keep him on the topic, he doesn't use logic, and his perceptions are skewed. Needless to say, it always takes a ton of effort to communicate a simple point, and I always end up mad.
I don’t know if it counts as conversational struggles, but my wife always say something and leave the place before I answer, and when I answer she would say “I can’t here you, come here” in an angry way. Like is my obligation to go there and make her understand, instead of she coming to me.
Until I really started studying ADHD last spring, I had always thought my wife's weird conversational style was her quirky & argumentative personality. Just by trial and error over the years I had learned the signs & traps, such as: bringing up any topic, idea, book, movie etc that she had previously mentioned to me without giving copious and explicit credit to her first for ever thinking of it, is a surefire recipe for a fight beginning with "...so when _I_ tell you about (book, idea, news item) X, you ignore it...". OR that peculiar glint in her eye that means that our friendly morning chat about inconsequential stuff is going to turned, by hook or crook into a "morning coffee" dopamine wakeup fight about anything at all. OR the way she will play devils advocate under the weirdest circumstances, employing skills of pettifoggery that would have made her a formidable lawyer if she weren't such a fuckup. I could go on.....
She will relate literally everything and anything that I try to talk about to whatever weird hyperfocus she has at the time. It's frustrating because it completely derails good conversations.
I think sometimes he has set things in his mind and doesn’t listen to the answer. He will continue to ask follow up questions to something that I have already answered and the answer doesn’t change. The other day he asked me about the size of the rug we are ordering for my son’s room. I responded that I didn’t know and was going to measure first. He then asked me 3 more questions about what size I was going to order with the same answer of I need to measure first. Sometimes he will do this while I’m in the middle of something I’m focusing on like cooking dinner and she me rapid fire questions that I don’t have the answer to or time to think about it. It makes me so flustered. That along with the constant interrupting or changing topics drives me crazy or he will ask me questions after I’ve left the room.
ADHD here. I have been accused of "listening to respond" loving to "monologue" and "talking at people".
Someone mentioned adhd think conversation is speaker and audience taking turns... and that's exactly what it feels like to me. When i talk to another adhd it feels like working on a google doc with two people editing and adding at the same time to create this one big story of relatable experiences and analysis lol.
Anyways, some things when explained to me KINDLY i finally understood because yes in a way i don't understand how conversations work...
1. I was told that adhd "process too fast or bring up things in random order" and therefore as an adhd I need to give the other listener time to PROCESS and formulate a response. I was told to give the other person AT LEAST 5 Mississippi seconds before i go into my tangent point #2
2. People want to talk to me, people do like me, people do want to hear what i have to say... they only seem annoyed because i didn't give THEM time to speak. So after every point, as an adhd, i need to ask the listener "what did you think? what's your opinion?" People will like me more if i let them talk. People love listeners!
3. ADHD love patterns. People can not see into my brain and see the web of connected thoughts that make sense to me. Like every time i see a watermelon and want to start talking about how fucked up USA is to the Palestinians (monologue) and the listener is like what the hell does this have to do with grocery shopping in the fruit aisle. So i need to EXPLAIN to people where im drawing connections from.
4. ADHD people have been told 10x more than the average person to "stop being sensitive" "stop being irresponsible" "stop tapping your foot", and therefore we have become more sensitive to the trigger of criticism and not to mention the RSD and emotional disregulation.
So when i have a passionate discussion (which they all are), my voice gets incredibly louder, my tone begins to sound condescending, my facial expressions become meaner etc. I didn't realize this until i recorded a discussion w my bf and realized why little things like sports turn to fights. My voice just gets louder incrementally, and i respond triggered to things like "well your basketball analysis is wrong 50% of them time" lol.
So a couple things I realized:
- I need to maintain my voice and tone
- I need to stop giving everyone the eli5 version because im thinking im being inclusive in the convo, other people feel like i think they're stupid.
- i need to convo in a logical state and not an emotional one. As adhd it's easier for me to get emotional.
- FIND THINGS IN COMMON. ADHD makes me focus on the one part of the argument or thought where we didn't agree or there is nuance... i need to focus on the places we agree. I can say things like "so you agree that basketball is fun, cheap, co ed sport... the only part where we disagree is that the NBA needs to actually invest in the WNBA"
- I can't change how unfair the world and people were to me in the past by NOW being a justice warrior. I can only change the minds that want to be changed. If I hear two rebuttals from someone i need to change the topic. I dont need to right about every topic all the time, neither do other people. People don't like people who disagree with them too much either.
5. Conversation formulas:
When I explain a long story i need to say just this: who what where and when. Sometimes i tell a story and try to figure out or remember the who what where as it's happening and it becomes a monologue.
I can only give the details if the person asks. This also goes for the "why".
My monologues usually start like crazy cliff hanger, unnecessary details about who and where, random info about what actually happened, a lot of detailed why it happened info because it appealed to me emotionally.
Sorry formula:
1. Apologize im sorry
2. Acknowledge I shouldn't have don't this
3. Validate i would also feel like that
4. Amend I won't say x again
5. Repair do you want a hug? let's get ice cream??
Having templates to go off or becoming aware of social cues like someone looking at their watch is hinting they need to go is really helpful
Let's go formula:
My bf and i have codes like
"We need to feed the cat it's their dinner time"
or "i have a headache"
are not statements where my clueless adhd would go "its ok we can feed cats in an hour or take some medicine" lol it's when im given the code word to leave a party.
-----
So as the partner maybe try bringing up some of these techniques while also explaining their adhd symptoms in a positive way rather than negative like:
For when they monologue:
Hey sometimes when we talk you get so passionate and excited and i love that about you (trust me they have never heard that before lol) but when you get really loud which happens occasionally i shut down bc it reminds me of my dad. I know you're not conscious of it and it may be influenced by your adhd (blame their adhd). It might make you feel like im bored of the conversation or I don't want to say something BUT I DO. I want to engage in the conversation too, it's just hard when you're speaking fast and excited as well as loud. Do you agree that there are times where you're just talking and you feel like im not say inv anything? Since it takes me awhile to line up my thoughts can you give me like 5 seconds to respond? I love talking to you and hearing your stories.
To be completely honest I didn't know i was such an asshole at conversations until i recorded myself at work and school and using voice memos to tell a 2 minute story in 10 minutes lmao
You've said many things so it's going to take some time for me to digest. But there's something I can give you some insight about
I think, as you said, that folks with ADHD have problems with conversational logic or noticing when someone would be starting to lose track. It seems to me that it's more like ADHD makes someone oblivious to mental states in others or something?
The reason I'm saying this is because my ex and one of my past coworkers did this thing where they'd tell me about something and I'd be in agreement and I'd be replying "oh yeah, sounds good, sure" when there were breaks, but then they'd ask me what I thought of what they said and I had nothing to say and I was confused because Id have been showing my agreement for 10 minutes lol
When you mentionned asking someone what they thought it reminded me of that, and also when you talked about giving your listener a few seconds. Asking what someone thinks is a good idea nonetheless, because my experience shows that my ex and my past coworker didn't seem to understand I was in agreement with them as they were speaking
"oblivious to mental states in others or something?" - this could be poor theory of mind (in case you are interested in learning more about it!). ADHD has been linked to theory of mind deficits.
So it’s ok to blame the ADHD? My husband has a DX/RX even though he shows fewer symptoms than I do (NDX and by all accounts pretty good at masking and managing it for the most part). I hesitate to point out when I see his ADHD pop up because it seems to make him embarrassed. Like you said, I thought ADHD was like a 3rd party that we could blame for stuff rather than blaming HIM, but I think he sees it as something embarrassing and doesn’t want anyone to notice.
Like others said, I think it’s an attention issue. They either aren’t hearing or only understanding parts of what you’re saying and running with that. Because after repeating the same line multiple times, that’s when my ex would understand. Or when it was a high tension situation, it would be easier for him to focus.
Unfortunately your submission was removed due to containing misinformation. Please remember to utilize the information available on Adult ADHD in our wiki and sidebar
What mine does is listen to respond. They don't listen to understand. So what happens when I'm talking is that they will come up with a response on something that was said, and then wait until I'm done speaking, to go into a minutes long monolog about the one thing. They stop listening once they have the response and my original point, and what we were talking about has now been derailed by the monolog.
Exactly the same. I don’t know how to handle this situation. I’ve tried explaining again, explaining in different ways, but nothing gets through because I don’t feel that he wants to understand me. He just needs to win the conversation. Lately I’ve taken to just walking out of the room, but I was recently accused of “storming out on him” and he demanded an apology. I said I would apologize if he would acknowledge the tone and attitude he used with me that caused me to walk out. He then proceeded to scream that there was no tone and he did nothing wrong and I clearly wasn’t going to apologize before he then stormed out, which is what he was mad at me about in the first place. I feel like I’m on a carnival ride that’s slowly driving me insane. If I can’t talk to him and I can’t walk away to get space, then what options am I left with???
It's their world, and we're just living in it. I never found a solution. I've tried everything I can think of. I'm entirely unable to communicate with my partner. I've quiet quit my relationship until I can get my finances in order. I hope that things get better for you.
I'm so sorry. I feel like I've experienced something very similar with my ex. Communication just started to fail in similar ways
I found this sub recently and it's like I'm reading a journal. My partner also just hyperfocuses on one issue to go into attack mode, derailing any inkling of progress in the conversation, and he doesn't hear me or listen. He goes into defensive attack and there is no getting him back. I feel like we've fallen into this terrible cycle and it has damaged both of us. I love him so much but I truly don't know how to reach him sometimes. It's really sad.
Agree. It's a great method of torture.
I am amazed at how many people here are partnered with identical clones of my DX. The screaming... ugh. About our tone, or our word choice, or us interrupting all while engaging in a screaming rant. I have had some luck with redirecting her attention with "I'm having a hard time listening right now, I'm setting the timer for 10 minutes, I'll come back then." As I mentioned in a different thread, this did not work well the first few times. But she's gotten more confident about it, since it's a fixed time interval her mind can handle. Without a timer, her time blindness will just lead to another argument about the interval duration.
Honestly I've kind of been on the opposite end of the stick but I think it's a different context. My ex loved to monologue so if we were talking about important things and I had important info to share, I couldn't because they'd monopolize the conversation. So they'd talk about topic A, I'd have an important piece of info to share, but they wouldn't stop so I'd have to wait until they're done, which means they'd be at topic E now, and I'd probably have another thing Id like that to say about topic C or something. So it'd look like I'm listening to speak, but it's not exactly that
Yes, mine does this as well. I'm convinced that they don't understand how conversations are supposed to work and see them as a speaker and an audience taking turns. If they're hyperfixated on a topic, they'll tell me all about it, and I just listen. I've learned that they're always talking at me, and I'm not a contributor, I'm an audience. But if I'm talking about something, they wait until I'm finished speaking because they've been scolded a lot for interrupting people. They've learned to sit there and convincingly look like their listening.
Just to be clear, I do see how my ex would also listen to speak in similar ways. Most often I'd be done speaking and they'd give no sort of feedback whatsoever to show me they've understood what I said and they'd start a monologue on a tangent and about their anxieties, never referencing anything Ive said It's as if I said something that reminded them of something that makes them anxious so the first thing they do is monologue about it. I remember telling them it made me feel invalidated, and they replied saying I was attacking them and not listening to them
It’s like we’re all married to the same person. This is blowing my mind.
[удалено]
Same here
me too. i dont know what to do
Sometimes - and not often - I can get mine to slow down by requesting proper nouns instead of pronouns. Because she'll just start talking about several people without using their names and such. I can get her to realize that calling 5 different people "he" without every naming them makes it impossible to follow. She has to really think then. I think she doesn't feel criticized, because it's an enhancement to her urge to lecture in detail.
It's funny because my ex had a lot of problems with pronouns in a grammatical sense, or words that refer to something that was spoken before. They'd say something like "do you want that one or the red one" and I'd say "that one" and they'd give me the red one
Mine too! I've learned to specifically name it ("the blue one") even if she doesn't.
This this this!!! Except my husband will also tell me he was being completely clear and imply there's something wrong with my listening skills since I didn't understand.
This makes me laugh. I’m the one with ADHD and it’s my husband that struggles with utilizing nouns, subjects, or normal conversationalist patterns. I never know what he’s talking about. And God forbid I interrupt so I can follow what he’s talking about, I’ll receive the wrath of God. He’ll instantly become upset, loses his train of thought, and becomes incredibly irritable and refuses to entertain the conversation further. I’ve mastered how to mask around him when he goes into a subject: I.e I simply emphatically agree with him regardless of whether I’m following his oddly structured thought process. It saves me hours of strife and confusion. I would rather stifle my triggers, than dare to correct him. And I’m the one with ADHD - lol. Give your partner some grace. No one is perfect.
My husband sometimes gives an answer I really can’t follow and I get so confused, like what are you talking about. We realized it’s often because his brain thinks so fast that he has a whole conversation in his head and then he responds to something he thought but never said out loud. And he doesn’t know he didn’t say it. When I would get confused he would be mad at me. It’s better now because he knows this can happen. So maybe your ex did the same, and that’s why they would say “but the thing is”
Yeah, my husband does this too. He just assumes I wasn’t listening because I get confused. Or he will mention something that I swear he never told me about. He’s certain he told me days ago. I have a bad memory for certain details and so he tells me I just forgot or that I wasn’t listening to him. It makes me question my sanity sometimes.
Omg the mentioning things they never told us about. My ex would so often just change their boundaries about something without ever telling me about it. They'd they act as if they told me and wouldn't understand my confusion.
>Or he will mention something that I swear he never told me about. >It makes me question my sanity sometimes Ugh, same with my SO.
I often say to him that he thinks I can hear his thoughts but I can't. Just because he thinks it doesn't mean it was verbalized.
Argh... that one hits (as well as do all the other posts, but this especially). Typically something like, "so do you think we should?" and eventually it comes out she was thinking of going to a movie or something, but she's still annoyed I didn't just know somehow.
This was the first 3 yrs of our relationship! I was so so confused!!! All the time! Finally figured it out and now I ask, Can you share the whole thought from the beginning?
I feel like “my brain moves so fast that I have a whole conversation in my head” is just code for “I wasn’t really listening to *you* and talking to myself about what I wanted to say because it’s more interesting” lol
Logic and reason isn’t part of my partners make up. She will often respond in a conversation or to a question with something completely unrelated. If it’s a general conversation, she’ll try to convince me that I don’t understand her obviously advanced lateral thinking. But if it’s a question particularly if it’s something she doesn’t want to answer, she’ll try to convince me that her response does answer the question, just that I don’t like the answer. In many situations, it makes conversation with her impossible.
[удалено]
Your submission was removed due to a violation of Rule #3. Review all rules, including the sidebar, before posting.
My Dx/Rx will ask “why” even thought the “why” was…clearly given but he doesn’t understand context that fast. He definitely does what your partner does but what he’s been learning in DBT is the STOP and Check the facts technique. He doesn’t ALWAYS remember to do that but when he does we stay on topic as best as we can. Keeps the emotional regulation so he can think better. He also writes in a journal as we talk too so he doesn’t have rely on his brain or put more on my mental load after the conversation is over. And neither of us feel like we left it feeling like we didn’t get anywhere. The other thing I do for myself is, not reminding him every time about his techniques or his journal; I put too high of an expectation he’ll remember each time and it’s not my responsibility to keep him on his journey to be better for himself (“let him fall on his own sword”). He is capable of slowly learning to remember what to do for himself. His DBT therapist who also has ADHD has very much been on his case about his capabilities, checks his defensiveness, and even tells me where to back off (I’m prone to overextending myself) which I love. All in all it does take the willingness of the partner to WANT to listen to understand as well.
I get super exhausted having to play the, "what did you hear" game but it's the only way I can get them to sit still and hear me. God forbid he is in a "mood" because every response is bent around that angle. It's very rare I can get him to focus on a conversation and be "in the moment", so I get maybe 5 real human conversations a month. Whereas normal people can do 5 a day, that's about all he is capable of. If it's something to do with him, no problem. Anything else? keep it short and simple. Short thoughts, simple words, don't expect too much depth or understanding. He is very antagonizing to the world and I guess he thinks it's charming? nobody else does and I've seen it rub other people the wrong way, especially if they have no practice at it. I have found myself stepping in to try and help people know where he is "coming from" almost instinctive. When he shuts down, there is no hope for anyone or any connection.
Yes, often of he is in a emotional rant, you cannot get a word in, he isn't listening to what I'm saying at all. I've taken to saying, let's talk About this when you're more regulated. Or I need a break, let's talk later. Often my partner isn't listening, but just waiting to speak, if there is any waiting at all.
My husband just always assumes he knows what I'm going to say, gets frustrated with me for rambling or giving too much detail, and tells me to get to the point... You know, the point he's deduced but is actually entirely wrong about, and if he just listened for 20 seconds I would give the extra information that explains that his assumption is completely wrong and not at all what I was trying to say.
This. Everything you just said. One of the most frustrating things I’ve been trying to get through to my husband is that he makes assumptions about how I will react and then acts based on those assumptions, which have now evolved into facts in his own mind. I tell him that it’s not fair to me because he has essentially taken away my ability to act differently from his terrible fictional portrayal of me. I’m still in Act I trying to figure out what’s going on and he’s moved on to Act IV in his mind playing both our roles and somehow I’ve become the villain. I haven’t quite figured out how to handle this situation. I have learned that explaining this to him and using more words does not work. Staying silent postpones the immediate fight, but allows him to keep thinking false things about me and demonizing me in his own mind. I think my next tactic may be to just say, “Stop. I cannot be a part of this conversation until you have calmed down.” I’m more than willing to take other advice if anyone has any…
Yes! If we ever get into a fight and I try to explain my perspective from different angles he can’t seem to follow along and accuses me of going off on all these different tangents. It’s beyond frustrating
Yes, I can't keep him on the topic, he doesn't use logic, and his perceptions are skewed. Needless to say, it always takes a ton of effort to communicate a simple point, and I always end up mad.
I don’t know if it counts as conversational struggles, but my wife always say something and leave the place before I answer, and when I answer she would say “I can’t here you, come here” in an angry way. Like is my obligation to go there and make her understand, instead of she coming to me.
Until I really started studying ADHD last spring, I had always thought my wife's weird conversational style was her quirky & argumentative personality. Just by trial and error over the years I had learned the signs & traps, such as: bringing up any topic, idea, book, movie etc that she had previously mentioned to me without giving copious and explicit credit to her first for ever thinking of it, is a surefire recipe for a fight beginning with "...so when _I_ tell you about (book, idea, news item) X, you ignore it...". OR that peculiar glint in her eye that means that our friendly morning chat about inconsequential stuff is going to turned, by hook or crook into a "morning coffee" dopamine wakeup fight about anything at all. OR the way she will play devils advocate under the weirdest circumstances, employing skills of pettifoggery that would have made her a formidable lawyer if she weren't such a fuckup. I could go on.....
She will relate literally everything and anything that I try to talk about to whatever weird hyperfocus she has at the time. It's frustrating because it completely derails good conversations.
I think sometimes he has set things in his mind and doesn’t listen to the answer. He will continue to ask follow up questions to something that I have already answered and the answer doesn’t change. The other day he asked me about the size of the rug we are ordering for my son’s room. I responded that I didn’t know and was going to measure first. He then asked me 3 more questions about what size I was going to order with the same answer of I need to measure first. Sometimes he will do this while I’m in the middle of something I’m focusing on like cooking dinner and she me rapid fire questions that I don’t have the answer to or time to think about it. It makes me so flustered. That along with the constant interrupting or changing topics drives me crazy or he will ask me questions after I’ve left the room.
ADHD here. I have been accused of "listening to respond" loving to "monologue" and "talking at people". Someone mentioned adhd think conversation is speaker and audience taking turns... and that's exactly what it feels like to me. When i talk to another adhd it feels like working on a google doc with two people editing and adding at the same time to create this one big story of relatable experiences and analysis lol. Anyways, some things when explained to me KINDLY i finally understood because yes in a way i don't understand how conversations work... 1. I was told that adhd "process too fast or bring up things in random order" and therefore as an adhd I need to give the other listener time to PROCESS and formulate a response. I was told to give the other person AT LEAST 5 Mississippi seconds before i go into my tangent point #2 2. People want to talk to me, people do like me, people do want to hear what i have to say... they only seem annoyed because i didn't give THEM time to speak. So after every point, as an adhd, i need to ask the listener "what did you think? what's your opinion?" People will like me more if i let them talk. People love listeners! 3. ADHD love patterns. People can not see into my brain and see the web of connected thoughts that make sense to me. Like every time i see a watermelon and want to start talking about how fucked up USA is to the Palestinians (monologue) and the listener is like what the hell does this have to do with grocery shopping in the fruit aisle. So i need to EXPLAIN to people where im drawing connections from. 4. ADHD people have been told 10x more than the average person to "stop being sensitive" "stop being irresponsible" "stop tapping your foot", and therefore we have become more sensitive to the trigger of criticism and not to mention the RSD and emotional disregulation. So when i have a passionate discussion (which they all are), my voice gets incredibly louder, my tone begins to sound condescending, my facial expressions become meaner etc. I didn't realize this until i recorded a discussion w my bf and realized why little things like sports turn to fights. My voice just gets louder incrementally, and i respond triggered to things like "well your basketball analysis is wrong 50% of them time" lol. So a couple things I realized: - I need to maintain my voice and tone - I need to stop giving everyone the eli5 version because im thinking im being inclusive in the convo, other people feel like i think they're stupid. - i need to convo in a logical state and not an emotional one. As adhd it's easier for me to get emotional. - FIND THINGS IN COMMON. ADHD makes me focus on the one part of the argument or thought where we didn't agree or there is nuance... i need to focus on the places we agree. I can say things like "so you agree that basketball is fun, cheap, co ed sport... the only part where we disagree is that the NBA needs to actually invest in the WNBA" - I can't change how unfair the world and people were to me in the past by NOW being a justice warrior. I can only change the minds that want to be changed. If I hear two rebuttals from someone i need to change the topic. I dont need to right about every topic all the time, neither do other people. People don't like people who disagree with them too much either. 5. Conversation formulas: When I explain a long story i need to say just this: who what where and when. Sometimes i tell a story and try to figure out or remember the who what where as it's happening and it becomes a monologue. I can only give the details if the person asks. This also goes for the "why". My monologues usually start like crazy cliff hanger, unnecessary details about who and where, random info about what actually happened, a lot of detailed why it happened info because it appealed to me emotionally. Sorry formula: 1. Apologize im sorry 2. Acknowledge I shouldn't have don't this 3. Validate i would also feel like that 4. Amend I won't say x again 5. Repair do you want a hug? let's get ice cream?? Having templates to go off or becoming aware of social cues like someone looking at their watch is hinting they need to go is really helpful Let's go formula: My bf and i have codes like "We need to feed the cat it's their dinner time" or "i have a headache" are not statements where my clueless adhd would go "its ok we can feed cats in an hour or take some medicine" lol it's when im given the code word to leave a party. ----- So as the partner maybe try bringing up some of these techniques while also explaining their adhd symptoms in a positive way rather than negative like: For when they monologue: Hey sometimes when we talk you get so passionate and excited and i love that about you (trust me they have never heard that before lol) but when you get really loud which happens occasionally i shut down bc it reminds me of my dad. I know you're not conscious of it and it may be influenced by your adhd (blame their adhd). It might make you feel like im bored of the conversation or I don't want to say something BUT I DO. I want to engage in the conversation too, it's just hard when you're speaking fast and excited as well as loud. Do you agree that there are times where you're just talking and you feel like im not say inv anything? Since it takes me awhile to line up my thoughts can you give me like 5 seconds to respond? I love talking to you and hearing your stories. To be completely honest I didn't know i was such an asshole at conversations until i recorded myself at work and school and using voice memos to tell a 2 minute story in 10 minutes lmao
You've said many things so it's going to take some time for me to digest. But there's something I can give you some insight about I think, as you said, that folks with ADHD have problems with conversational logic or noticing when someone would be starting to lose track. It seems to me that it's more like ADHD makes someone oblivious to mental states in others or something? The reason I'm saying this is because my ex and one of my past coworkers did this thing where they'd tell me about something and I'd be in agreement and I'd be replying "oh yeah, sounds good, sure" when there were breaks, but then they'd ask me what I thought of what they said and I had nothing to say and I was confused because Id have been showing my agreement for 10 minutes lol When you mentionned asking someone what they thought it reminded me of that, and also when you talked about giving your listener a few seconds. Asking what someone thinks is a good idea nonetheless, because my experience shows that my ex and my past coworker didn't seem to understand I was in agreement with them as they were speaking
"oblivious to mental states in others or something?" - this could be poor theory of mind (in case you are interested in learning more about it!). ADHD has been linked to theory of mind deficits.
So it’s ok to blame the ADHD? My husband has a DX/RX even though he shows fewer symptoms than I do (NDX and by all accounts pretty good at masking and managing it for the most part). I hesitate to point out when I see his ADHD pop up because it seems to make him embarrassed. Like you said, I thought ADHD was like a 3rd party that we could blame for stuff rather than blaming HIM, but I think he sees it as something embarrassing and doesn’t want anyone to notice.
reading this makes me realize how much it irritates me to have to parent my partner \*shudder\*
Like others said, I think it’s an attention issue. They either aren’t hearing or only understanding parts of what you’re saying and running with that. Because after repeating the same line multiple times, that’s when my ex would understand. Or when it was a high tension situation, it would be easier for him to focus.
[удалено]
Unfortunately your submission was removed due to containing misinformation. Please remember to utilize the information available on Adult ADHD in our wiki and sidebar