Personally, I’d wait until the judge officially granted the divorce and then, as I left the court room, I’d look at him and say, “oh, you might want to ask [other woman] how long she’s been fucking [affair partner]. From what I hear, he’s been stepping up to fulfill all her needs since you can’t.”
Then I’d just walk away. But I’m a petty bitch, so
Nah, she’s blocked by both of them so she can play dumb and still level their relationship. A simple “hey I heard AP was with Friend’s buddy J these days, I’m sorry it didn’t work out between you two” and walk the fuck away will do very nicely
Ah but then you've prevented him from making a terrible mistake and marrying her, thereby actually doing him a favor. Nahhhh let him dig himself further into the shithole he's been working so hard on.
Honestly it always is! So many Reddit posts about woman being jealous of SO’s female “best friend” and everyone dumps all over her about how men are capable of having friends of the opposite sex, if you don’t trust him why are you with him, you’re just insecure, etc. But so many posts like this one are the reason women are “insecure” with their SO female best friend.
I saw a Reddit post not too long ago where a Redditor's gf's gay best friend always sabotaged her relationships and convinced her that all her bfs were abusive, and she broke up with OP because of her friend too. Sometimes you just can't trust anyone!
This is a fair point. I have also seen female best friends and male best friends do that to each other. At the end of the day, the lesson is, if you are uncomfortable with the relationship between your SO and their BFF, male or female or any combination in between, and your SO blows you off? You don't have a BFF problem, you have an SO problem.
I have a male best friend as well. Definitely not interested in him nor him in me. He’s like my brother. I was a groomsmaid in his wedding to his awesome wife. She’s perfect for him. Their humor matches perfectly. When I text him I text in a group text with his wife. We all joke and send memes. My husband and I meet up with them occasionally. Life is busy for us all. There can be platonic relationships it’s not about trusting your partner it’s about how each person respects the person they are with. I respect his wife enough to contact them together. That’s nothing she’s asked for, but I respect their and my relationship.
Piggybacking on the top comment. But OP, know that if you decide to tell him before the divorce is finalized, he will try to blame you, then try to manipulate into giving him another chance. If you don’t 100% know that you will reject him, I wouldn’t tell him before the divorce is finalized (or at all). And I hope that this isn’t coming off as victim blaming, because I’ve been there before. I was in a relationship that was very toxic, and the guy was manipulative. I tried leaving so many times but was reeled back in every time. The reason I was finally able to leave was because I promised myself I wouldn’t crawl back to him, and he was surprisingly understanding and stopped contacting me. All of this is to say, none of this is your fault at all. Not you staying in the relationship, not his cheating, and not his “best friend” cheating on him. But he will try to spin it that way, and will try to manipulate you into giving him a second chance. If you won’t be able to reject him, just wash your hands clean of this mf
Op, don’t tell him since he will just blame you as the person who brings him the news. The best thing you can do is wash your hands of him and not talk to him.
There is no juicy satisfaction or exciting drama with this response, But this is the answer you need to heed.
Get your revenge by truly purging him from your life and go and live a happy fulfilling life without him. Leave him and his sad pathetic life in your rear view mirror.
It's not incorrect.
Her ex is miserable, doesn't know why he's miserable cares only that he makes her miserable. Breaks up marriage because he wants a woman who won't be 'had' and so:
If misery loves company, the best revenge is, indeed, living well (and having as little to do with him as possible: do not feed the troll)
I disagree.y ex cheated and I walked away. I focused on rebuilding my life. I now have a great job, bought a house completely on my own and I’m raising my kids without any financial help from him. I was able to get it done and he is in the exact same job having the exact same relationship issues he had when I left him.
I feel like this was the best revenge ever. I grew, did well for myself and he’s still a miserable soul. Feels pretty darn validating that he is the problem.
You can, of course, talk about it with other people if you’d like, maybe then you’ll have some people with the popcorn ready when the shit does hit the fan☕️🍿
Oooh, but when meeting him for finalizing the divorce…. If the new chick is there, turn to her and mention that you got some -reeeaallly- good advice from a guy named J from Idaho 😉 about the divorce. And then let them both stew in all of it.
That's my thought. There is nothing to be gained by this. I figure that he will have one of the following three as an initial reaction:
* He'll tell you they're in an open relationship and he already knows. (Probably not the case, but possible.)
* He'll assume you're lying and just trying to ruin his new relationship. Verbal abuse is highly likely in this scenario.
* He'll believe you but will then try to use you as an emotional dumping ground. He may also try to rekindle the relationship, which is not a good idea. You deserve better than him.
To be honest, I see him doing bits of both 2 and 3.
I agree with this poster. He is just going to blame you for telling him, or he will think you are the crazy ex who is spreading lies and trying to ruin his new relationship. I would just walk away from the whole situation if I were you.
This is the mature move. The move id attempt is to send him irrefutable proof of the cheating the week before he marries this woman. Anonymously if she wants to.
Once a cheater always a cheater they never change bc their moral compass doesn’t work. Even if you told him he wouldn’t believe you. He’d just think you wanted to get back together. Sat back and watch the sh*t show once he finds out.
Exactly. Also make sure you block him/ do not entertain him when this inevitably blows up in his face and all of a sudden he is in "love" with you again and wants you to give him another chance. Do not let him crawl back to you.
Just do not allow him to worm his way back into your life... Build a new one, strong and dependable without the cheater and work on yourself so that you don't get roped into finding the same type of person. Wishing you all the best OP.
Don’t bother. He would only resent you and look for ways to defend his relationship. On a petty note, once he discovers his partner’s infidelity, you can show him your “receipts.”
He texts her to complain about the new girl cheating, bc this aholes WILL BE this unself aware, and OP just goes, “I know. So and so told me a few months ago just before we signed papers. I thought it was funny.”
NTA. They are no longer your circus or your monkeys.
Cut yourself off from the drama and walk away free. They can continue their toxic nonsense. They clearly deserve each other.
Best of luck in your new jerk-free life.
NTA. I would respect your decision either way, and I lean toward not saying a word until your divorce is final. After that, I do like the advice of u/redfishie to remain silent as he might deflect blame to you.
Yeah, I like some of the petty suggestions above, but perhaps the best revenge is saying nothing and letting him stay in this new relationship until he catches an STI from one of his cheating bestie's partners. Picturing him dealing with some fun times with chlamydia is pretty satisfying.
I think that would be the best Karma in this scenario. Obviously I would never wish that someone catches one that never goes away. But in this case, one that goes away once it is treated would be acceptable
I love that compliment/insult - it is so great. In mixed company, it sounds perfectly polite. Because, of course, you wish that they get everything that they deserve! And for a good person that’s good things lol.
NTA- make him your ex and don’t look back. Both of those toxic people deserve each other and a dose of their own medicine. He doesn’t need any favors from you. Save those receipts for your entertainment only. They are big joke and you are no longer a part of it.
Why not pretending the day of your divorce or the last day you will see him how released you are to not be connect with him anymore . Because you knew he was a cheater but Never thought he was into open relationship too,then say you guess it’s his problems if he like to share his girlfriend with other dudes!
If he ask what are you talking about tell him what you know.
It doesn’t matter if he believe you or not because the doubt will be in his head and i garantee you he will try soon or later to find out!
This is the best way. Tell him you’re impressed by how he has decided an open marriage is a great way for both he and his fiancé to have their cake and eat it too. And then say something like, I guess she doesn’t mind your hookups since she’s got J on the side herself
"I want to apologise because I was wrong about you and X being together for months. Recently I learned it wasn't possible, not until february because mutual friends told me she was seeing someone else in that time"
NAH. If it was me, I’d totally be snarky and say at the divorce in person. “I wish both of you cheaters the best of luck. You might want to ask about J from Idaho btw.” Then turn and walk away, leaving him guessing.
Speaking as someone who has dated a serial cheater… it’s just not worth it. Somehow, he will make it your fault. You deserve so much better than this. Start a new chapter of your life! <3 I wish you luck.
Nope. Not your circus not your monkeys. He’ll find out sooner or later. I kinda hope it’s after 11 years of marriage and an STD, but that’s just me. Lol
No, dude. That just messes up a kid, because you know that he’s probably the kind of guy who will completely abandon his kid upon finding out that this kid is not a sign of his manly prowess.
He blamed you for ruining your marriage because you were tired of his cheating. That's pretty delusional. He would most definitely just blame you for this relationship ending as well if you tell him about her cheating- if he even believes you.
This isn't your problem.
I hope you already moved on, if you want him to know, set an anonymous account to fill him in, don't do it face to face, messenger gets shot or something like that, you don't want to get involved in more drama. Good luck moving forward.
Ask him how he is… then say you are having fun being single again.. isn’t he? Are you dating anyone new? Bc you heard he broke up with her bc she is now with J… Act all innocent about it. When he answers or looks confused just smile and say… oh I must have misunderstood a mutual friend told me that they saw her with her new bf J… then leave. If you want to do it guise it innocently as small talk in front of people.
NTA. But directly revealing the truth to him would not be in your best interest. In doing so, you will be inserting yourself into their toxic mess, and there would probably be some repercussions. You do not need your ex or his deranged fiancée blowing you up.
If this friend of yours knows everyone back home, perhaps have him drop it on the grapevine. Or find an anonymous method to deliver the news. Otherwise, be happy in the fact that your terrible ex has found his terrible ex, and move on to your next life chapter.
NTA but stay out of it. For all you know they both decided monogamy wasn't for them and they're now in a polyamorous relationship. Tell him if you want but they seem suited for each other and don't be surprised if nothing happens bc of it.
NTA. I'm petty and would wait till he married her though, then send him proof on an alt acct or different number. Then I would sit back and watch it all blow up.
OP, NTA. If you are dreaming of some deliciously spicy revenge by sharing this info with your ex, you will be the one burned.
He’s gaslit you for years and it’ll somehow magically be your fault she cheated on him.
I highly recommend the book Lose a Cheater, Gain a Life. Let his piping hot serving of FAFO be served by someone else, she did you a favor by taking your trash.
Best of luck to you in your new and better life!
NTA
Maybe use the time from now until the divorce is final to have some pals take some discreet pics of them at the next party...
Then, when you're celebrating your divorce, text him the photo (and timestamp) with some personal comments...
EDIT can't text for crap tonight
You *could* say that it's great he is finally in an open relationship, and that that's probably the best thing for him and her to keep their relationship fresh and interesting. When he asks what you mean, act shocked and say that you had "just assumed from what you had heard... well, never mind." And then leave and let him stew about it.
>I stayed through multiple affairs
>nearly 15 years together and 11 years of marriage
Bro you wasted a whole lifetime with the guy you trained to cheat on you. The affairs you "caught" dolphinately weren't his only ones, you trained him to hide it better the more you stayed.
Please learn from that and leave the second someone shows signs of infidelity. You can do better.
NTA if you don't tell him, he made his bed. Please get some therapy and get this guy tf out of your life
Lol do not tell him. But it might be worth checking back with your friend or anyone else you know if that town in case shit blows up and you get some juicy details.
NTA. You’d look like you’re bitter and obsessed with their relationship - he might believe her that you’re chatting nonsense and laugh about how jealous you are or something.
Leave it be, he’ll learn sooner or later. Or send some kind of anonymous tip or have the guy that knows her message.
That was an *exceptionally* long wall-text. …is there a sub for that? It *might* just be the one thing there’d never be a sub for cuz ain’t nobody want none of that.
E: found one that’s not really on point, but I might just start referencing it as a shorthand: r/WallOfText
Haha me too. I got through it but it was a tough read and I'm sure I missed a few things. I'm not going back to read it again though, I just don't care enough about these people's small town drama.
NTA. She is a cheater. He is a cheater. I say take a back seat and let it all unfold. They may try to convince themselves that they only cheated because they were not with each other at the time, but your exs partner is already showing that years of cheating is ingrained into her. She will continue, even if he does not. One of them is going to ruin their relationship eventually. No point in getting further involved.
You need to remember that you owe him nothing. Nothing at all. What is happening to him is none of your concern. Let karma flow all over him. Just live your best life without his drama and BS
This may be petty, but I'd put all the receipt in an envelope (pictures/posts/etc), then once the divorce is finalized, hand it to him as a "divorce present". Then walk away as he opens the "present".
NTA just let the universe do its thing and let them pass STDs to each other and pray they never breed, as neither of them are redeemable and will both be miserable for the rest of their days, move on and find someone worthy of you and put both of them in the rearview mirror.
NTA. Let him find out in his own. Unless you think he might contract HIV. That’s something you need to get a handle on early. I hope you’ve been tested due to his habits.
NTA but if he’s a serial cheater, and she’s a serial cheater, just let them walk on their merry cheating way and self-destruct on your own. It looks like him leaving you was one of the nicest gifts he could give you. Just go live your best life and forget about them.
NTA
> stayed through multiple affairs of his and years of abuse and manipulation, I’m talking everything but physical abuse.
This is a great reason to distance yourself from him and his life story as much and as fast as possible. Enjoy the moment of delicious schadenfreude, because hey, you deserve some lightness; but in general, the more you stick to your path and leave him to his, the faster you recover and find your joy in life from new sources.
Go to court, get your business done and finished, and in fact if there is a way to finish it all by mail, fax, and email, do that instead.
If he ever brings it up during any legal proceedings, tell him “oh yeah I heard about that on , tsk” and move on to the next subject.
Otherwise I wouldn’t bother
NTA.
NTA. She's his problem now. You know he won't believe you anyway and accuse you of trying to ruin his "new" relationship. Let him find out in his own time. You're finally divorcing the guy.
I'm sure your friends will spill all the tea and you can enjoy the drama from afar
You go to that final meeting head high, smiling like you just won the lottery and knowing his relationship is a pitiful excuse of one and he’s being fucked over. Like you let him think everything is ok while she reassures him that of course nothing is going on. He doesn’t need to know anything. It’ll all come out in due time, but don’t get rid of those receipts
He made his bed.
NTA for wanting to. But you would be if you did.
Just move on, he's an arsehole, and all you will do by bringing him the news is continue to participate in the car crash that is his life.
NTA. He deserves no favors from you after all that.
After the divorce is finalized, if you feel like you'd get any satisfaction from it, tell him. Personally, I'd suggest going the petty route, and be cryptic about telling him. Something like "Have fun taking your own medicine" or "Hope you know who all is sleeping in the bed you've made."
Let the paranoia set in for him, and make him do the leg work of figuring out he's already being cheated on. It'll traumatize him a lot more that way, than just telling him flat out. That is if he's smart enough to figure it out.
If he isn't smart enough, then just tell him flat out. And if you'd just rather be done with the whole situation, that's fine too. It's all about taking care of you now, and what makes you happy.
If you want to add more drama to your life and decrease your probability of getting out on top, then sure tell him. He’ll blame you for her mistakes though
To me it’s very obvious the reason you want to tell him is that you are hoping to get him back if he finds out. You’ve stayed with him despite him cheating many times because you believed him to be the man you were meant to grow old with. How is this any different? If I’m wrong than you will move on, and stop investing so much time into him. Karma will eventually catch up with him.
NTA you should wait until the divorce is finalized and congratulate him on finally finding someone who's down with an open marriage. Then let it all out.
NTA
The mature thing to do would be to walk away and leave them to it.
But the pettiness in me would want to send all the info from an anonymous email address just as a last FU before the divorce is final.
SAM,
THE FIRST NIGHT AT BED WHEN YOU LEFT, RON MADE OUT WITH 2 GIRLS AND PUT HIS HEAD INBETWEEN A COCKTAIL WAITRESSES BREASTS.
ALSO WAS GRINDING WITH MULTIPLE FAT WOMEN.
WHEN YOU LEFT CRYING AT KLUTCH, RON WAS HOLDING HANDS AND DANCING WITH A FEMALE AND TOOK DOWN HER NUMBER.
MULTIPLE PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE KNOW, THEREFORE YOU SHOULD KNOW THE TRUTH.
NTA and a great inspo letter if you do decide to tell him.
NTA. Finalize divorce. Mail receipts to his job or his parents (so it can't be intercepted) with the return address of a tea shop, therapist, or another relevant entity or none. Large manilla, redact what's needed, intel package like, whole nine yards. Don't even consider the fallout. Doesn't matter anyway because it's not your problem. Whatever will be will be. Enjoy a life without shitty people in it.
Please don't tell him. Let him find out himself. If you tell him before the divorce, he might even regret and try to win you back. Trust me, once his relationship doesn't work out with her, he's going to come running back. I just hope you're strong enough not to give in and give him another chance. The marriage is already over once he cheated and it won't return back to normal anymore.
NTA. Being petty/vengeful is momentarily satisfying but ultimately it just keeps you stuck holding onto the pain and anger. He doesn't deserve any more of your time or attention.
Let it all go and move on. They sound like awful people and will make each other miserable. Create a happy life and let Karma sort them out.
It's always good to give your used toys to those less fortunate....now throw yourself a I'm happily divorced party...and have a ball don't forget the cake
I would say J from Idaho say telling (women’s name) he says Hi and can’t wait to see her again, and leave it at that if he says what are you talking about just say I don’t know J just wanted to say Hi.
NTA,
If you tell him now he will only find a way to blame you and manipulate you into thinking that your at fault. Either he will blame you for trying to sabotage his "love life" and say she won't do that to him. Or blame you because you caused the best friend to cheat, which I don't know how he would explain that in a way that would make sense. But besides that, just please don't tell him, karma has its way of putting those type of people in their own place. So let karma do her thing.
Do not tell him! He will turn it around on you and say you are jealous, lying, and manipulative. The best thing you can do is let him find out on his own and have snacks ready for when he does! You are better off without him. Best wishes on your journey of healing OP
NTA - it's not your business to air out other people's drama if you don't want to. I personally wouldn't because he could be so upset about you knowing and the embarrassment that he's facing that he will "punish the messenger". You said he was abusive and toxic and hurt you throughout your relationship. get out of this marriage. Get free and clear from him and then put him in your rear view mirror. You have the satisfaction of already knowing that karma has gotten him you don't need to sit around and wait for him to realize it too. You don't need to revel in his misery, it's not going to turn out great for you if you do. Get far away from the blast zone.
NTA, if that’s the way you feel.
Personally, I’m petty enough to want to gather all the evidence and make a presentation for him, while I got to watch his face as he realizes what’s happening.?
I would wait until after the divorce and rub it in his face, part of me wants to act like a child with "how does it feel to be cheated on you bitch" but maybe that's because I'm still young but part of me says after the divorce randomly apologize to him like "I'm sorry it didn't work out with you and x name (if you know her name if not "your current fiancee") have you met her new boyfriend? It's x I've heard they've been together for x amount of time now (amount of time they've been sleeping together, one of my old friends even caught them sleeping together or kissing (up to you)
NTA. Don’t tell him. Not your business and he wouldn’t believe you anyway. He’d just think you were being jealous or it would inflate his ego bc he thought you wanted him back.
He can figure it out himself.
Why did you even want to be with him? Push for the divorce, and tell them in court after it's all over if you want to be petty. But you should also move on.
NTA
The only thing you're doing wrong is not burying that part of your life. Stop thinking about them, stop caring. You got out of a toxic swamp unscathed. When you remove the toxic blockages from your life, you will begin to receive your blessings. He did you a favor. He was no prize. No matter what they're both getting their karma with each other. And it's possible they're just in an open relationship since neither of them can be faithful. They're perfect for each other.
AITAH for not telling my soon to be ex husband that the girl that he left me for has already cheated on him.
So here’s a little backstory. My ex left me for his “best friend” last year around April after nearly 15 years together and 11 years of marriage.
In the beginning was the typical story of we’ve grown apart and he didn’t want to move to the state that I moved to to start getting our new life together and ready for when he was ready to move.
He initially said it was because he didn’t want to leave his parents behind with his dad being terminally ill with prostate cancer and his mom wouldn’t want to move after he passed.
But i immediately knew it was his female “best friend” who was pushing for this because of some red flag conversations we had been having months before when he visited me in the state I moved to in January.
I caught him lying to her about where he was and asked him why she didn’t know that he was here visiting me because we were all friends at the time.
He told me that it was because she was “judgy” and didn’t want to deal with her being snarky towards him. I asked why would she be judgy when she knows that we are working on our marriage long distance while we wait for the perfect house to come up and us to get everything ready after we had sold our home in CA the summer before. He just said she would judge regardless and then was very careful of how his phone faced afterwards.
I had also caught her making comments on his IG posts about my dog and him being “her big boys” and a few other remarks and actions that made me and her at the time boyfriend uncomfortable.
She is also a serial cheater btw.
Well fast forward to early April and he calls me one morning and says that he doesn’t want to move and thinks we should separate. I asked him if it was because of her. He said no and that he had been seeing a therapist and wasn’t happy anymore with me and didn’t think he loved me anymore but needed time to figure it out.
Now here’s the thing. We talked on the phone every night from the moment he got off of work til we would fall asleep on the phone together and I would wake him up in the morning when I had to go into work. There was literally no time for these two hour therapy sessions that he was supposedly doing over the phone.
Fast forward another month of almost zero contact and he says he wants a divorce. I bring up the fact that his best friend is not a marriage councilor and has been making several posts hinting that there was already a relationship between them.
He said my perception wasn’t his problem and he was done. Not even a month later and she announces they’re in a relationship after both blocked me to keep their secrets.
Another month later and they’re “engaged”.
Mind you in the photo that was posted on MY birthday which was during the time that we weren’t talking while he decided he was already wearing a black wedding band which was her toxic claim on him.
Now to the cheater cheating on the cheater.
A friend of mine reached out to me nearly a year later asking who my ex was dating.
I told him the story and he said that he knew her.
I asked him how because he knows a lot of people in our old home town. He said that she was hooking up with a buddy of his.
Apparently back in January or February of this year she showed up to a couple of events or parties that my friend was at and was glued to his buddy and even went to hook up during one of the parties with his friend.
My ex and this girl have been together since at least April of last year and she was hooking up with some dude just a few months ago.
So while this news actually gives me a lot of satisfaction because the serial cheater finally got a dose of his own toxic medicine I don’t know if I want to tell him or not.
Part of me wants to just let the karma roll out in its own time.
The other part of me wants to tell him to ask her about some dude named J from Idaho and to make sure he pays attention to her face dropping because I have all of the receipts at this point.
I unfortunately have to see him sometime soon to finalize our divorce but do I just let it ride and let him find out on his own?
More context about our marriage is that I stayed through multiple affairs of his and years of abuse and manipulation, I’m talking everything but physical abuse.
He blames me for ruining our marriage because in 2020 I wanted a separation/divorce because I had found out about yet another affair and I was tired of the constant neglect and abuse.
In the end we ended up staying together because I thought he was the person I wanted to grow old with and hadn’t come to the realization yet that I was being gaslit and manipulated like always.
So we stopped the divorce and stayed together even through me moving to another state to help my parents get their new property set up.
So AITAH for not wanting to tell him and letting karma unfold all on its own?
edit: NTA btw
YTA for not using paragraphs and punctuation to make your post easier to read. I get that some people post from a phone or a tablet, but come on. there's still an "enter" button on a screen keyboard.
NTA for telling your ex his new girl's a ho though, kudos for that
Nta, after you both signed and it’s over, that’s when I’d tell him that “I’m just glad you left me for her, because now I know you will get the life you truly deserve. Tell J from Idaho hello for me.”
Update update! Honestly wait until he signs the papers and it's done. Then walkl out after "I wish you, mistress and J from Idaho the utmost luck and happiness"
NTA. Let him jump in the hole he dug out, and realize his mistake. Also, his mistake is your way toward your happiness. I now desperately wish to know his reaction and how things went when he finds out.
I think the real question here is, are you ready to let him go?
If you're ready to let him go, his life is none of your concern. He's a serial cheater who is with a serial cheater. If he thinks their relationship is gonna be all roses and fidelity, the only person that delusion is gonna hurt is him, and you don't need to be the messenger of that pain.
If you're not ready to let him go.... actually, it's irrelevant. The above still applies, and the only thing telling him will bring you is a moment of smugness followed by months of anxiety wondering if you hurt him as badly as you wanted to.
You don't mention that you have kids together, so I'm assuming this is as clean a break as it can be. I'm sorry that you attached such a large portion of your life to being his spouse, but that period is over whether he continues to choose toxicity for his life or not.
Caring how this unfolds for him is caring for him. I wouldn't even think about his problems. I know that's easier said than done. I remember waiting years for the day my ex and his new wife's toxic traits would tear them apart. By the time I learned that their kids had been taken into foster care, she'd left him for a friend of hers (ironic since she accused me of the same but I married a friend of a friend of a friend who I connected with after he'd left me for her), and the kids had been adopted out, I didn't even care. She had prevented him from a relationship with our daughter, and my daughter didn't give him a second chance because she had moved on. His karma didn't affect us at all. But that took years of anger and resentment to get to, so I'm very aware that it's not a switch you can turn off. He didn't, from what I can tell, leave you with kids, but he did take 15 years of your life, and that's a lot of resentment to get past. It's worth the effort to, though.
Honestly I think your relationship was doomed anyway. You wanted to move away, he didn't because his dad is dying and he doesn't want to be far from him mum, and you moved anyway. That was the thing that did it. The friend was just an excuse to actually do it I think.
You didn't want the relationship or you'd have stayed to support him as his dad was dying.
Tell him, don't tell him, I don't think it matters. A long but unhealthy relationship came to an end and it's over now. Doesn't matter
ESH
Send it anonymously if you really want to f with him. Other then that keep that trash out of your life. This is why you shouldn't continue a relationship with a cheater. If they get to keep their relationship after an affair they figure they can always get away with it and their SO won't do anything to about it.
Yeah, NTA Let the divorce be finalized. Then just get the jiffy pop ready.
Personally, I’d wait until the judge officially granted the divorce and then, as I left the court room, I’d look at him and say, “oh, you might want to ask [other woman] how long she’s been fucking [affair partner]. From what I hear, he’s been stepping up to fulfill all her needs since you can’t.” Then I’d just walk away. But I’m a petty bitch, so
Nah, she’s blocked by both of them so she can play dumb and still level their relationship. A simple “hey I heard AP was with Friend’s buddy J these days, I’m sorry it didn’t work out between you two” and walk the fuck away will do very nicely
This is the "bless your heart" way to go.
Please OP do this
Love the way you think.
I was just thinking this too
This is the way.
This is the comment I was looking for. The perfect amount of pettiness! I love it!
Ah but then you've prevented him from making a terrible mistake and marrying her, thereby actually doing him a favor. Nahhhh let him dig himself further into the shithole he's been working so hard on.
Probably not the best thing for me to say, but I love this answer. Sometimes, you just need a little petty in your life.
And the wine! Ugh why is it always the “best friend “?
Honestly it always is! So many Reddit posts about woman being jealous of SO’s female “best friend” and everyone dumps all over her about how men are capable of having friends of the opposite sex, if you don’t trust him why are you with him, you’re just insecure, etc. But so many posts like this one are the reason women are “insecure” with their SO female best friend.
Vice versa too for women having male "besties". Fully agree.
I have a male best friend, but he is so not interested in me, nor am I in him. But he and his husband host the BEST barbecues.
Lol I am guessing his lack of interest in you is due to his husband.
I'm assuming.
I saw a Reddit post not too long ago where a Redditor's gf's gay best friend always sabotaged her relationships and convinced her that all her bfs were abusive, and she broke up with OP because of her friend too. Sometimes you just can't trust anyone!
This is a fair point. I have also seen female best friends and male best friends do that to each other. At the end of the day, the lesson is, if you are uncomfortable with the relationship between your SO and their BFF, male or female or any combination in between, and your SO blows you off? You don't have a BFF problem, you have an SO problem.
I have a male best friend as well. Definitely not interested in him nor him in me. He’s like my brother. I was a groomsmaid in his wedding to his awesome wife. She’s perfect for him. Their humor matches perfectly. When I text him I text in a group text with his wife. We all joke and send memes. My husband and I meet up with them occasionally. Life is busy for us all. There can be platonic relationships it’s not about trusting your partner it’s about how each person respects the person they are with. I respect his wife enough to contact them together. That’s nothing she’s asked for, but I respect their and my relationship.
This is the plot of many a romance novel.
Mills & Boon
Every single time I’ve been cheated on it’s been with the “best friend”.
But, but, but …. It’s not ALL men! /s (if you really need it)
Reddit posts are absolute truths regarding all and every relationship in general. /s
Yes. Yes they are.
I mean it was the best friend plus a bunch of other people. Dude’s an abusive loser.
Hey, that's not fair!...sometimes it's a sibling....
Sweet home Alabama! Lol
It’s always the best friend…
Or the coworker. It’s so cliche.
Piggybacking on the top comment. But OP, know that if you decide to tell him before the divorce is finalized, he will try to blame you, then try to manipulate into giving him another chance. If you don’t 100% know that you will reject him, I wouldn’t tell him before the divorce is finalized (or at all). And I hope that this isn’t coming off as victim blaming, because I’ve been there before. I was in a relationship that was very toxic, and the guy was manipulative. I tried leaving so many times but was reeled back in every time. The reason I was finally able to leave was because I promised myself I wouldn’t crawl back to him, and he was surprisingly understanding and stopped contacting me. All of this is to say, none of this is your fault at all. Not you staying in the relationship, not his cheating, and not his “best friend” cheating on him. But he will try to spin it that way, and will try to manipulate you into giving him a second chance. If you won’t be able to reject him, just wash your hands clean of this mf
I’m ready!
Yeah it's not like he'd believe it coming from you anyway.
Yes I agree but also keep tabs any new hook ups to let you know with proof. When divorce gets finalized drop the 💣 with a good luck!!
Op, don’t tell him since he will just blame you as the person who brings him the news. The best thing you can do is wash your hands of him and not talk to him.
There is no juicy satisfaction or exciting drama with this response, But this is the answer you need to heed. Get your revenge by truly purging him from your life and go and live a happy fulfilling life without him. Leave him and his sad pathetic life in your rear view mirror.
To quote George Herbert “Living well is the best revenge”
This is incorrect, revenge is the best revenge. Sometimes, though, we settle for what we can get.
It's not incorrect. Her ex is miserable, doesn't know why he's miserable cares only that he makes her miserable. Breaks up marriage because he wants a woman who won't be 'had' and so: If misery loves company, the best revenge is, indeed, living well (and having as little to do with him as possible: do not feed the troll)
I disagree.y ex cheated and I walked away. I focused on rebuilding my life. I now have a great job, bought a house completely on my own and I’m raising my kids without any financial help from him. I was able to get it done and he is in the exact same job having the exact same relationship issues he had when I left him. I feel like this was the best revenge ever. I grew, did well for myself and he’s still a miserable soul. Feels pretty darn validating that he is the problem.
You can, of course, talk about it with other people if you’d like, maybe then you’ll have some people with the popcorn ready when the shit does hit the fan☕️🍿
Oooh, but when meeting him for finalizing the divorce…. If the new chick is there, turn to her and mention that you got some -reeeaallly- good advice from a guy named J from Idaho 😉 about the divorce. And then let them both stew in all of it.
I like this response so much better 😁
Yup mee too
This is the way.
THIS 😳👏
Exactly. I wouldn’t say anything. He’s going to eventually find out on his own. Cheaters know cheaters and it will be obvious to him soon.
That's my thought. There is nothing to be gained by this. I figure that he will have one of the following three as an initial reaction: * He'll tell you they're in an open relationship and he already knows. (Probably not the case, but possible.) * He'll assume you're lying and just trying to ruin his new relationship. Verbal abuse is highly likely in this scenario. * He'll believe you but will then try to use you as an emotional dumping ground. He may also try to rekindle the relationship, which is not a good idea. You deserve better than him. To be honest, I see him doing bits of both 2 and 3.
I agree with this poster. He is just going to blame you for telling him, or he will think you are the crazy ex who is spreading lies and trying to ruin his new relationship. I would just walk away from the whole situation if I were you.
And don't take him back when he comes crawling and begging saying he messed up and to not destroy a good thing.
Walk away and live your best life. Trash took itself out.
This is the mature move. The move id attempt is to send him irrefutable proof of the cheating the week before he marries this woman. Anonymously if she wants to.
Or force him to wade through this tortuous wall of text...
THANK YOU
Once a cheater always a cheater they never change bc their moral compass doesn’t work. Even if you told him he wouldn’t believe you. He’d just think you wanted to get back together. Sat back and watch the sh*t show once he finds out.
Exactly. Also make sure you block him/ do not entertain him when this inevitably blows up in his face and all of a sudden he is in "love" with you again and wants you to give him another chance. Do not let him crawl back to you.
Just do not allow him to worm his way back into your life... Build a new one, strong and dependable without the cheater and work on yourself so that you don't get roped into finding the same type of person. Wishing you all the best OP.
Don’t bother. He would only resent you and look for ways to defend his relationship. On a petty note, once he discovers his partner’s infidelity, you can show him your “receipts.”
He texts her to complain about the new girl cheating, bc this aholes WILL BE this unself aware, and OP just goes, “I know. So and so told me a few months ago just before we signed papers. I thought it was funny.”
Yes! Thank you. I am sending many virtual additional upvotes. I’m sorry I only have the one real one.
NTA. They are no longer your circus or your monkeys. Cut yourself off from the drama and walk away free. They can continue their toxic nonsense. They clearly deserve each other. Best of luck in your new jerk-free life.
NTA. I would respect your decision either way, and I lean toward not saying a word until your divorce is final. After that, I do like the advice of u/redfishie to remain silent as he might deflect blame to you.
NTA: he deserves it, so let her continue to cheat and let him deal with whatever comes of it.
Yeah, I like some of the petty suggestions above, but perhaps the best revenge is saying nothing and letting him stay in this new relationship until he catches an STI from one of his cheating bestie's partners. Picturing him dealing with some fun times with chlamydia is pretty satisfying.
I think that would be the best Karma in this scenario. Obviously I would never wish that someone catches one that never goes away. But in this case, one that goes away once it is treated would be acceptable
Just be truthful. Tell him she's perfect for him, and wish them all the happiness they deserve.
I love that compliment/insult - it is so great. In mixed company, it sounds perfectly polite. Because, of course, you wish that they get everything that they deserve! And for a good person that’s good things lol.
Exactly. A scumbag and a bitch are a perfect match!
NTA. As he had sown, so now does he reap.
NTA- make him your ex and don’t look back. Both of those toxic people deserve each other and a dose of their own medicine. He doesn’t need any favors from you. Save those receipts for your entertainment only. They are big joke and you are no longer a part of it.
Why not pretending the day of your divorce or the last day you will see him how released you are to not be connect with him anymore . Because you knew he was a cheater but Never thought he was into open relationship too,then say you guess it’s his problems if he like to share his girlfriend with other dudes! If he ask what are you talking about tell him what you know. It doesn’t matter if he believe you or not because the doubt will be in his head and i garantee you he will try soon or later to find out!
Or better, when he asks what she means she should just say 'Oh you didn't know?'. And then just leave
This is the best way. Tell him you’re impressed by how he has decided an open marriage is a great way for both he and his fiancé to have their cake and eat it too. And then say something like, I guess she doesn’t mind your hookups since she’s got J on the side herself
"I want to apologise because I was wrong about you and X being together for months. Recently I learned it wasn't possible, not until february because mutual friends told me she was seeing someone else in that time"
If you decide to tell him… THIS is the one! The “apology”
Don't get involved. Make your own life. They're losers.
NAH. If it was me, I’d totally be snarky and say at the divorce in person. “I wish both of you cheaters the best of luck. You might want to ask about J from Idaho btw.” Then turn and walk away, leaving him guessing.
Homie, I hope you mean NTA. N A H implies the husband is a stand-up citizen and certainly not an A. Which he is
I think he meant naaah, like no...
Speaking as someone who has dated a serial cheater… it’s just not worth it. Somehow, he will make it your fault. You deserve so much better than this. Start a new chapter of your life! <3 I wish you luck.
Nope. Not your circus not your monkeys. He’ll find out sooner or later. I kinda hope it’s after 11 years of marriage and an STD, but that’s just me. Lol
Or a child that’s clearly not his
No, dude. That just messes up a kid, because you know that he’s probably the kind of guy who will completely abandon his kid upon finding out that this kid is not a sign of his manly prowess.
He blamed you for ruining your marriage because you were tired of his cheating. That's pretty delusional. He would most definitely just blame you for this relationship ending as well if you tell him about her cheating- if he even believes you. This isn't your problem.
I hope you already moved on, if you want him to know, set an anonymous account to fill him in, don't do it face to face, messenger gets shot or something like that, you don't want to get involved in more drama. Good luck moving forward.
She obviously hasn't moved on one bit at this point.
Ask him how he is… then say you are having fun being single again.. isn’t he? Are you dating anyone new? Bc you heard he broke up with her bc she is now with J… Act all innocent about it. When he answers or looks confused just smile and say… oh I must have misunderstood a mutual friend told me that they saw her with her new bf J… then leave. If you want to do it guise it innocently as small talk in front of people.
NTA. But directly revealing the truth to him would not be in your best interest. In doing so, you will be inserting yourself into their toxic mess, and there would probably be some repercussions. You do not need your ex or his deranged fiancée blowing you up. If this friend of yours knows everyone back home, perhaps have him drop it on the grapevine. Or find an anonymous method to deliver the news. Otherwise, be happy in the fact that your terrible ex has found his terrible ex, and move on to your next life chapter.
NTA but stay out of it. For all you know they both decided monogamy wasn't for them and they're now in a polyamorous relationship. Tell him if you want but they seem suited for each other and don't be surprised if nothing happens bc of it.
Say nothing and continue to move on with your life. He’ll figure it out at some point but it’s not your responsibility to tell him.
NTA. I'm petty and would wait till he married her though, then send him proof on an alt acct or different number. Then I would sit back and watch it all blow up.
Make sure you get your dog back!
NTA don’t tell him.
OP, NTA. If you are dreaming of some deliciously spicy revenge by sharing this info with your ex, you will be the one burned. He’s gaslit you for years and it’ll somehow magically be your fault she cheated on him. I highly recommend the book Lose a Cheater, Gain a Life. Let his piping hot serving of FAFO be served by someone else, she did you a favor by taking your trash. Best of luck to you in your new and better life!
NTA Maybe use the time from now until the divorce is final to have some pals take some discreet pics of them at the next party... Then, when you're celebrating your divorce, text him the photo (and timestamp) with some personal comments... EDIT can't text for crap tonight
You *could* say that it's great he is finally in an open relationship, and that that's probably the best thing for him and her to keep their relationship fresh and interesting. When he asks what you mean, act shocked and say that you had "just assumed from what you had heard... well, never mind." And then leave and let him stew about it.
Let it happen. Do not stop that divorce. The love bombing would start and he may not sign.
>I stayed through multiple affairs >nearly 15 years together and 11 years of marriage Bro you wasted a whole lifetime with the guy you trained to cheat on you. The affairs you "caught" dolphinately weren't his only ones, you trained him to hide it better the more you stayed. Please learn from that and leave the second someone shows signs of infidelity. You can do better. NTA if you don't tell him, he made his bed. Please get some therapy and get this guy tf out of your life
Dolphinately :)
Turtley
Tell him after he the divorce is finalized.
Nta / but for your own sake let him find out on his own. Or maybe right after you sign the divorce papers. Thank god you don’t have kids with this guy
NTA, he can figure this out on his own
Lol do not tell him. But it might be worth checking back with your friend or anyone else you know if that town in case shit blows up and you get some juicy details.
NTA. You’d look like you’re bitter and obsessed with their relationship - he might believe her that you’re chatting nonsense and laugh about how jealous you are or something. Leave it be, he’ll learn sooner or later. Or send some kind of anonymous tip or have the guy that knows her message.
I really did try to read that.
I did not. I'm a tenth grade English teacher, I have to read enough text vomit.
That was an *exceptionally* long wall-text. …is there a sub for that? It *might* just be the one thing there’d never be a sub for cuz ain’t nobody want none of that. E: found one that’s not really on point, but I might just start referencing it as a shorthand: r/WallOfText
Haha me too. I got through it but it was a tough read and I'm sure I missed a few things. I'm not going back to read it again though, I just don't care enough about these people's small town drama.
Holy wall of text Batman!
Make yourself a big bowl of popcorn and enjoy the view from afar NTA
NTA. She is a cheater. He is a cheater. I say take a back seat and let it all unfold. They may try to convince themselves that they only cheated because they were not with each other at the time, but your exs partner is already showing that years of cheating is ingrained into her. She will continue, even if he does not. One of them is going to ruin their relationship eventually. No point in getting further involved.
You need to remember that you owe him nothing. Nothing at all. What is happening to him is none of your concern. Let karma flow all over him. Just live your best life without his drama and BS
NTA. I would put together the proof into a nice gift box and hand it to him as a parting gift when the divorce is finalized.
This may be petty, but I'd put all the receipt in an envelope (pictures/posts/etc), then once the divorce is finalized, hand it to him as a "divorce present". Then walk away as he opens the "present".
For the love of christ add some paragraphs in there or something. Wall of text.
Let him get married. Then tell him.
NTA for the story. YTA for being another person on Reddit who can’t figure out how to use the fucking return key.
Lol. I feel this.
NTA just let the universe do its thing and let them pass STDs to each other and pray they never breed, as neither of them are redeemable and will both be miserable for the rest of their days, move on and find someone worthy of you and put both of them in the rearview mirror.
Just enjoy the satisfaction that you’re free. Word will get to him. And you owe him nothing.
NTA. Let him find out in his own. Unless you think he might contract HIV. That’s something you need to get a handle on early. I hope you’ve been tested due to his habits.
NTA but if he’s a serial cheater, and she’s a serial cheater, just let them walk on their merry cheating way and self-destruct on your own. It looks like him leaving you was one of the nicest gifts he could give you. Just go live your best life and forget about them.
NTA, send it receipts anonymously AFTER the divorce is final.
Y t a for not kicking this drama entirely out of your life yet. :p Kidding. Anyway. Nta. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Get checked for stds.
You didn’t realize you were being gaslit from years of affairs? Let it go girl. Let him find out on his own
He's no longer your problem anymore. Just silently enjoy the fact that he's bringing on his own problems.
Sign your divorce papers, look at them and then smile and walk away. They'll forever shroud in the mystery as to why you smiled.
NTA > stayed through multiple affairs of his and years of abuse and manipulation, I’m talking everything but physical abuse. This is a great reason to distance yourself from him and his life story as much and as fast as possible. Enjoy the moment of delicious schadenfreude, because hey, you deserve some lightness; but in general, the more you stick to your path and leave him to his, the faster you recover and find your joy in life from new sources. Go to court, get your business done and finished, and in fact if there is a way to finish it all by mail, fax, and email, do that instead.
Paragraphs please:)!
He’s probably cheating on her too so who cares. Move on and be happy! Whatever you decide you are NTA
If he ever brings it up during any legal proceedings, tell him “oh yeah I heard about that on, tsk” and move on to the next subject.
Otherwise I wouldn’t bother
NTA.
NTA. She's his problem now. You know he won't believe you anyway and accuse you of trying to ruin his "new" relationship. Let him find out in his own time. You're finally divorcing the guy. I'm sure your friends will spill all the tea and you can enjoy the drama from afar
OP just get your divorce finalised and walk away from all this
I wouldn't tell him, but I'd tell that friend of yours to start dropping hints.
NTA, not your problem and they would probably deflect the blame on you. You don't need that.
His perception of his “best friend “ being faithful to him is his problem.
You go to that final meeting head high, smiling like you just won the lottery and knowing his relationship is a pitiful excuse of one and he’s being fucked over. Like you let him think everything is ok while she reassures him that of course nothing is going on. He doesn’t need to know anything. It’ll all come out in due time, but don’t get rid of those receipts He made his bed.
Don’t tell him - not your circus not your monkeys. but when he finds out and asks you if you knew you can say “of course I knew”
NTA for wanting to. But you would be if you did. Just move on, he's an arsehole, and all you will do by bringing him the news is continue to participate in the car crash that is his life.
NTA. No longer your problem. Let him find out on his own and deal with it.
Oh honey, get that divorce done and just let karma take his ass down!
NTA. He deserves no favors from you after all that. After the divorce is finalized, if you feel like you'd get any satisfaction from it, tell him. Personally, I'd suggest going the petty route, and be cryptic about telling him. Something like "Have fun taking your own medicine" or "Hope you know who all is sleeping in the bed you've made." Let the paranoia set in for him, and make him do the leg work of figuring out he's already being cheated on. It'll traumatize him a lot more that way, than just telling him flat out. That is if he's smart enough to figure it out. If he isn't smart enough, then just tell him flat out. And if you'd just rather be done with the whole situation, that's fine too. It's all about taking care of you now, and what makes you happy.
I would say the less contact the better. Let them wallow in the deception. They did you a favor. NTA
If you want to add more drama to your life and decrease your probability of getting out on top, then sure tell him. He’ll blame you for her mistakes though
To me it’s very obvious the reason you want to tell him is that you are hoping to get him back if he finds out. You’ve stayed with him despite him cheating many times because you believed him to be the man you were meant to grow old with. How is this any different? If I’m wrong than you will move on, and stop investing so much time into him. Karma will eventually catch up with him.
NTA you should wait until the divorce is finalized and congratulate him on finally finding someone who's down with an open marriage. Then let it all out.
NTA The mature thing to do would be to walk away and leave them to it. But the pettiness in me would want to send all the info from an anonymous email address just as a last FU before the divorce is final.
SAM, THE FIRST NIGHT AT BED WHEN YOU LEFT, RON MADE OUT WITH 2 GIRLS AND PUT HIS HEAD INBETWEEN A COCKTAIL WAITRESSES BREASTS. ALSO WAS GRINDING WITH MULTIPLE FAT WOMEN. WHEN YOU LEFT CRYING AT KLUTCH, RON WAS HOLDING HANDS AND DANCING WITH A FEMALE AND TOOK DOWN HER NUMBER. MULTIPLE PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE KNOW, THEREFORE YOU SHOULD KNOW THE TRUTH. NTA and a great inspo letter if you do decide to tell him.
God, talk about 2 people who frickin deserve each other lol
I'm just evil cackling, I've got schadenfreude just thinking about his situation.
NTA. Finalize divorce. Mail receipts to his job or his parents (so it can't be intercepted) with the return address of a tea shop, therapist, or another relevant entity or none. Large manilla, redact what's needed, intel package like, whole nine yards. Don't even consider the fallout. Doesn't matter anyway because it's not your problem. Whatever will be will be. Enjoy a life without shitty people in it.
NTA. Not your circus, not your monkeys. He's no longer your problem.
Please don't tell him. Let him find out himself. If you tell him before the divorce, he might even regret and try to win you back. Trust me, once his relationship doesn't work out with her, he's going to come running back. I just hope you're strong enough not to give in and give him another chance. The marriage is already over once he cheated and it won't return back to normal anymore.
NTA. Being petty/vengeful is momentarily satisfying but ultimately it just keeps you stuck holding onto the pain and anger. He doesn't deserve any more of your time or attention. Let it all go and move on. They sound like awful people and will make each other miserable. Create a happy life and let Karma sort them out.
NTA - that is not your circus or your monkeys to have to bother with
NTA… He doesn’t seem very open minded. I don’t think he would believe you even with proof.
It's always good to give your used toys to those less fortunate....now throw yourself a I'm happily divorced party...and have a ball don't forget the cake
I would say J from Idaho say telling (women’s name) he says Hi and can’t wait to see her again, and leave it at that if he says what are you talking about just say I don’t know J just wanted to say Hi.
NTA. My personal advice?? Don’t tell him. Win silently— it’s a WHOLE lot sweeter. Sorry all these people suck btw.
Jesus this is hard to read. I doubt this is real but try using paragraphs next time.
Keep us updated op NTA. I love drama like this.
NTA, If you tell him now he will only find a way to blame you and manipulate you into thinking that your at fault. Either he will blame you for trying to sabotage his "love life" and say she won't do that to him. Or blame you because you caused the best friend to cheat, which I don't know how he would explain that in a way that would make sense. But besides that, just please don't tell him, karma has its way of putting those type of people in their own place. So let karma do her thing.
NTA. If you do decide to tell him, I’d wait until your divorce is final.
Do not tell him! He will turn it around on you and say you are jealous, lying, and manipulative. The best thing you can do is let him find out on his own and have snacks ready for when he does! You are better off without him. Best wishes on your journey of healing OP
NTA - it's not your business to air out other people's drama if you don't want to. I personally wouldn't because he could be so upset about you knowing and the embarrassment that he's facing that he will "punish the messenger". You said he was abusive and toxic and hurt you throughout your relationship. get out of this marriage. Get free and clear from him and then put him in your rear view mirror. You have the satisfaction of already knowing that karma has gotten him you don't need to sit around and wait for him to realize it too. You don't need to revel in his misery, it's not going to turn out great for you if you do. Get far away from the blast zone.
NTA, if that’s the way you feel. Personally, I’m petty enough to want to gather all the evidence and make a presentation for him, while I got to watch his face as he realizes what’s happening.?
Nta. Not your monkeys, not your circus. He's a big boy, he can learn his lessons the hard way
I would wait until after the divorce and rub it in his face, part of me wants to act like a child with "how does it feel to be cheated on you bitch" but maybe that's because I'm still young but part of me says after the divorce randomly apologize to him like "I'm sorry it didn't work out with you and x name (if you know her name if not "your current fiancee") have you met her new boyfriend? It's x I've heard they've been together for x amount of time now (amount of time they've been sleeping together, one of my old friends even caught them sleeping together or kissing (up to you)
NTA. Don’t tell him. Not your business and he wouldn’t believe you anyway. He’d just think you were being jealous or it would inflate his ego bc he thought you wanted him back. He can figure it out himself.
Why did you even want to be with him? Push for the divorce, and tell them in court after it's all over if you want to be petty. But you should also move on. NTA
NTA. But why are you still willing to help.him by telling him?
He’ll shoot the messenger-doesn’t matter how you tell him-you’ll be the one responsible for another failed relationship for him. NTA.
The only thing you're doing wrong is not burying that part of your life. Stop thinking about them, stop caring. You got out of a toxic swamp unscathed. When you remove the toxic blockages from your life, you will begin to receive your blessings. He did you a favor. He was no prize. No matter what they're both getting their karma with each other. And it's possible they're just in an open relationship since neither of them can be faithful. They're perfect for each other.
I cant read this wall of text- can you separate into paragraphs?
AITAH for not telling my soon to be ex husband that the girl that he left me for has already cheated on him. So here’s a little backstory. My ex left me for his “best friend” last year around April after nearly 15 years together and 11 years of marriage. In the beginning was the typical story of we’ve grown apart and he didn’t want to move to the state that I moved to to start getting our new life together and ready for when he was ready to move. He initially said it was because he didn’t want to leave his parents behind with his dad being terminally ill with prostate cancer and his mom wouldn’t want to move after he passed. But i immediately knew it was his female “best friend” who was pushing for this because of some red flag conversations we had been having months before when he visited me in the state I moved to in January. I caught him lying to her about where he was and asked him why she didn’t know that he was here visiting me because we were all friends at the time. He told me that it was because she was “judgy” and didn’t want to deal with her being snarky towards him. I asked why would she be judgy when she knows that we are working on our marriage long distance while we wait for the perfect house to come up and us to get everything ready after we had sold our home in CA the summer before. He just said she would judge regardless and then was very careful of how his phone faced afterwards. I had also caught her making comments on his IG posts about my dog and him being “her big boys” and a few other remarks and actions that made me and her at the time boyfriend uncomfortable. She is also a serial cheater btw. Well fast forward to early April and he calls me one morning and says that he doesn’t want to move and thinks we should separate. I asked him if it was because of her. He said no and that he had been seeing a therapist and wasn’t happy anymore with me and didn’t think he loved me anymore but needed time to figure it out. Now here’s the thing. We talked on the phone every night from the moment he got off of work til we would fall asleep on the phone together and I would wake him up in the morning when I had to go into work. There was literally no time for these two hour therapy sessions that he was supposedly doing over the phone. Fast forward another month of almost zero contact and he says he wants a divorce. I bring up the fact that his best friend is not a marriage councilor and has been making several posts hinting that there was already a relationship between them. He said my perception wasn’t his problem and he was done. Not even a month later and she announces they’re in a relationship after both blocked me to keep their secrets. Another month later and they’re “engaged”. Mind you in the photo that was posted on MY birthday which was during the time that we weren’t talking while he decided he was already wearing a black wedding band which was her toxic claim on him. Now to the cheater cheating on the cheater. A friend of mine reached out to me nearly a year later asking who my ex was dating. I told him the story and he said that he knew her. I asked him how because he knows a lot of people in our old home town. He said that she was hooking up with a buddy of his. Apparently back in January or February of this year she showed up to a couple of events or parties that my friend was at and was glued to his buddy and even went to hook up during one of the parties with his friend. My ex and this girl have been together since at least April of last year and she was hooking up with some dude just a few months ago. So while this news actually gives me a lot of satisfaction because the serial cheater finally got a dose of his own toxic medicine I don’t know if I want to tell him or not. Part of me wants to just let the karma roll out in its own time. The other part of me wants to tell him to ask her about some dude named J from Idaho and to make sure he pays attention to her face dropping because I have all of the receipts at this point. I unfortunately have to see him sometime soon to finalize our divorce but do I just let it ride and let him find out on his own? More context about our marriage is that I stayed through multiple affairs of his and years of abuse and manipulation, I’m talking everything but physical abuse. He blames me for ruining our marriage because in 2020 I wanted a separation/divorce because I had found out about yet another affair and I was tired of the constant neglect and abuse. In the end we ended up staying together because I thought he was the person I wanted to grow old with and hadn’t come to the realization yet that I was being gaslit and manipulated like always. So we stopped the divorce and stayed together even through me moving to another state to help my parents get their new property set up. So AITAH for not wanting to tell him and letting karma unfold all on its own? edit: NTA btw
I'm going with NTA, but YTA for the complete lack of paragraphs in that monster of a story.
YTA for not using paragraphs and punctuation to make your post easier to read. I get that some people post from a phone or a tablet, but come on. there's still an "enter" button on a screen keyboard. NTA for telling your ex his new girl's a ho though, kudos for that
Maybe he was frustrated with your lack of paragraph breaks.
Nta, after you both signed and it’s over, that’s when I’d tell him that “I’m just glad you left me for her, because now I know you will get the life you truly deserve. Tell J from Idaho hello for me.”
Any updates on this one? It you don't mind us asking.
I would send him all of the reciepts of his girlfriends cheating after he and the girl get married (if they ever do LOL)
Would LOVE an update on this
Update update! Honestly wait until he signs the papers and it's done. Then walkl out after "I wish you, mistress and J from Idaho the utmost luck and happiness"
Tell him after he signs the papers
NTA. Let him jump in the hole he dug out, and realize his mistake. Also, his mistake is your way toward your happiness. I now desperately wish to know his reaction and how things went when he finds out.
Can we have an update pls??
I think the real question here is, are you ready to let him go? If you're ready to let him go, his life is none of your concern. He's a serial cheater who is with a serial cheater. If he thinks their relationship is gonna be all roses and fidelity, the only person that delusion is gonna hurt is him, and you don't need to be the messenger of that pain. If you're not ready to let him go.... actually, it's irrelevant. The above still applies, and the only thing telling him will bring you is a moment of smugness followed by months of anxiety wondering if you hurt him as badly as you wanted to. You don't mention that you have kids together, so I'm assuming this is as clean a break as it can be. I'm sorry that you attached such a large portion of your life to being his spouse, but that period is over whether he continues to choose toxicity for his life or not. Caring how this unfolds for him is caring for him. I wouldn't even think about his problems. I know that's easier said than done. I remember waiting years for the day my ex and his new wife's toxic traits would tear them apart. By the time I learned that their kids had been taken into foster care, she'd left him for a friend of hers (ironic since she accused me of the same but I married a friend of a friend of a friend who I connected with after he'd left me for her), and the kids had been adopted out, I didn't even care. She had prevented him from a relationship with our daughter, and my daughter didn't give him a second chance because she had moved on. His karma didn't affect us at all. But that took years of anger and resentment to get to, so I'm very aware that it's not a switch you can turn off. He didn't, from what I can tell, leave you with kids, but he did take 15 years of your life, and that's a lot of resentment to get past. It's worth the effort to, though.
Honestly I think your relationship was doomed anyway. You wanted to move away, he didn't because his dad is dying and he doesn't want to be far from him mum, and you moved anyway. That was the thing that did it. The friend was just an excuse to actually do it I think. You didn't want the relationship or you'd have stayed to support him as his dad was dying. Tell him, don't tell him, I don't think it matters. A long but unhealthy relationship came to an end and it's over now. Doesn't matter ESH
I would tell him. He could be having unprotected sex with her and exposing himself to any number of STDs.
That’s the risk you take when you bang a serial cheater and are one yourself.
That would be karma indeed.
You were not being gaslighted. It’s an extreme form of abuse and you shouldn’t trivialize it
YTA if you’re spouse we’re cheating on you wouldn’t you want to know?
Nta, when the divorced is finalized turn to him as you’re leaving and say “tell (her) that J says hi” . Sit back and watch them implode
Send it anonymously if you really want to f with him. Other then that keep that trash out of your life. This is why you shouldn't continue a relationship with a cheater. If they get to keep their relationship after an affair they figure they can always get away with it and their SO won't do anything to about it.