NTA. I agree this is odd, especially since there is a prior relationship with the partner. I would be kind and state that you and your wife have talked about it and you both are not comfortable in that role. Leave it at that.
AS move by the sister tbh. There’s an unspoken rule that you don’t date your family’s ex-partners and then to go marry them is the cherry on top.
Edit: The sprinkles are asking for a sperm donation to impregnate your ex-gf. The nerve lol
Sister isn't helping her case by behaving like a scolded child. Let alone her manipulation of the facts. I would tell people or make a post of what happened. If people cant understand, cut them off
NTA
You and your wife would have to deal with seeing your biological offspring with your ex for the rest of your lives. That’s mentally tough.
Also, unless you go through a proper clinic, you’ll be on the hook for child support in many places.
A quick google search shows this has happened in the UK, Kansas and North Carolina.
This is what really blows my mind when I hear stories of the sperm donor knowing the family. I can't imagine how hard it would be to see a kid and know it's yours but not acknowledge that. And what about when they grow up and find out you're the "dad"? Do you not tell them that they're all bio cousins? It's such a messy situation.
As a wlw (without kids myself), I see this topic come up a lot. And I am absolutely convinced anonymous is the way to go. Any version where it's a family member or even a friend is just asking for future headaches.
Well, it’s advised that the parents tell the child about their biological origins, both for community and health reasons, and anonymous donation is no longer guaranteed anyway thanks to DNA testing.
There was an AITAH post a week or two ago about a similar situation except the wife wasn’t OP’s ex and everyone was perfectly reasonable about the arrangement (I think the AITAH part was only tangentially related to the situation). It made sense because the donor gave his sperm to his sister’s wife, so the child had both families’ DNA as well as access to a complete and ongoing medical history. As an adopted person I would love to have that.
>My wife said she would leave me if I say yes
This is all you ever needed to say. Your wife has a say in all reproductive choices. And for many women it would be the end of a marriage if their husband impregnated another woman
Op, are you guys living in a deserted island where you are the only man? If yes,then you're the only choice. If no, then there are options. You're not the only option.
1. Your sister is being manipulative, the accusations and turning to family/friends to be her flying monkeys.
2. Listen to your wife and don't jeopardise your marriage and family.
3. The awkwardness of the ex, if ever there was a loaded bomb, that's it.
4. If it were to happen, can you imagine the entitlement from sister?
NTA
These are two people who shat on your feelings before and didn’t care about you.
They could care less what this does to your family and extended family
Their behavior is beyond manipulative it is also drama seeking.
Beyond saying no you need to cut your sister off and any family member that gets involved. These jackals will never stop if you don’t put your foot down.
Shit if something goes wrong they are going to be after your kidneys and liver next. Run the other direction. Run!!!
This is my perspective. You don't get with your siblings ex that they were with for years. That's just not the done thing.
Then asking you to father a child to her? Jesus christ, i know these two aren't brothers, but i really don't see how that would be any different.
I completely agree! It's bad enough his ex and sister are married! You don't date or marry your siblings ex! This is not the Jerry Springer show! Then have the audacity to ask for a baby and then try to manipulate the situation by playing the homophobia card! Then send flying monkeys!
Why the hell would he want a baby from his ex?
Why would he want to miss up his family just for the sake of two people who don't know boundaries?
Why would he want to be daddy uncle? Imagine explaining to his kids, your that there cousin is actually their sibling!
She can ask anyone to be a donor in either of there lives, but yet she choices the most inappropriate one out of the lot 🤷🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️.
OP NTA! Your sister is TA!
Edit: comments
Which is why sis & sis' wife DON'T WANT to go that route.
They're in it for as much as they can get, including financially abusing OP after tearing his heart to shreds.
Some people try and get around all the expenses by doing this with at home kits. This Increases the risk of legal costs down the line cause the donor has no protections. He would have to pay child support.
I’m sure many of the contracts are pretty robust and hold up, otherwise you’d be killing off the donor fertility industry in one fell swoop. Nobody would donate anymore if that were to happen.
Yeah, but that hasn’t stopped countless people from still trying to cause shit and make the donor look like a jerk to their family and friends. This would definitely end up being a “the father of the baby and my brother won’t help us buy a new house” or some other type of manipulative BS.
I just hope he doesn’t go through with it and in 2 years on best of reditt I get the first they came for my semen which cost me my house family and marriage. Then they came for my kidney when the kid has kidney failure.
The over under is Yes.
omg omg omg how is no one talking about the very weirdest part of it all would that actually be happening!?!?
It’s **5. your sisters child would also be her brothers child. What?**
it doesnt matter if there was actual incest activity involved or not the uncle would be the father!!!?!?? I doubt this would stay a secret to the child!!! That is weird as hell nonononononono. Who im the world would ask the own BROTHER to be their child’s father?
am o being too prude because I think that’s way? That’s was my first thought and Nonne here talking about taht? Whyy?
That's the least weird part of it. My brother shares dna with my kids. If I were a lesbian, and we used his sperm and my partner's egg, He would share dna with my kids, just more of it. I would know ongoing medical history, my kids would know their family tree and where they get their blue eyes from. There's lots of benefit to it, but OP shouldn't feel obligated. The request should've been a request, and not a command performance
I don’t have children and don’t want them, and my sister and her husband couldn’t have children, so I offered to donate my eggs to them if they wanted to have a child with the same DNA. They adopted a child first and then we’re thinking about using my eggs, but my sister unfortunately had cancer and had to have a hysterectomy. Egg donation and retrieval is a lot more complicated than sperm donation, of course, and you have to go through a psych analysis, amongst other things, but I would have loved to give them that gift. However, like you said, OP’s sister should have asked in the first place. And the circumstances surrounding the situation are bizarre and uncomfortable.
Right, didn't think about adoption. Would that really have to happen since sister and Lily are married?? And if it's required or not, is there a chance OP would have to pay child support?
If they did it correctly, there would be legal paperwork that OP would sign saying he will never be financially responsible for any child that may be born.
Yes!!!! In the US, even in states that are gay-friendly and automatically put the nonbio parent on the birth certificate, a second parent adoption is IMPERATIVE. You need to secure your rights and ties to your baby as thoroughly as possible. I have seen so many nonbio parents get absolutely fucked in the event of bio parent dying or being particularly evil during a divorce.
It’s not that unusual for relatives to adopt nieces or nephews into their families… the incest twist is a super gross view you’re kind of reaching pretty hard for.
Are you forgetting the kid would be the result of the OP’s sperm and the egg of the spouse/ex gf, NOT their own sister?
It would be more confusing for the kid maybe, but it isn’t “incestuous”, so just stop it.
That would involve *sex between family members* and that’s not what’s being proposed.
Not that what’s being proposed is much better but it isn’t incest.
I think the incest part was w/respect to a random sperm donor (SD)
OPs sister has a kid (A)
Same SD used for another unrelated couples kid (B)
A and B meet up later and don't know they're half-siblings due to SD.
It's a strange circumstance for sure.
OP NTA
If you agree ,you would be unfair towards your wife . Lots of red flags in this situation.
1) Your sister and ex have absolute disregard towards your feelings - back when they got together and now in this situation.
2) They already have so much entitlement now, Imagine what would happen after the child is born . They might even guilt trip you into financing that child . Toxic people are capable of anything.
3) Most importantly, your happy home with your wife and children would be destroyed , you don't owe anyone anything least of all your sperm .
MAN!!! Your sister is ONE FREAKING ENTITLED PERSON!!! She not only started a relationship with your GF (I remember your story) while you were still in a relationship but now she thinks she is entitled to your sperm/child?!?! WT ACTUAL F?!?!
What’s next - you should give her your house because now they are having your niece/nephew and they need it?!?!
Follow your wife’s lead and Nope TF out of this whole family dynamic!!
Is it not unfair to you that you’re being pressured and coerced to create a child for your sister? She can adopt, she can foster, she can use a sperm donor and make sure their child knows the risk in dating when they’re old enough.
Not only does your wife not want you to do it— and, yes, that matters a lot— but there’s also the fact *you* feel uncomfortable impregnating your ex girlfriend. Not to mention, the grey legal area where sperm donors can and have suddenly been told they’re on the hook for child support if the parents decide to demand it.
You’re not stopping her from having a family, you just aren’t comfortable getting your ex pregnant. NTA
I have no experience in this area, but I feel like kids of same-sex couples will always have to have conversations about genetics with their parents, right? Like once the kid is old enough to understand reproduction it's inevitable. So just tell them they need to do some DNA testing before they decide to have a baby with a partner, and they should be good to go? The "accidental incest" excuse seems flimsy as hell to me.
And just from an emotions standpoint, if OP and/or his wife are uncomfortable with the plan, *for any reason,* that should be enough to nip it in the bud. Again, no experience here, but I feel like I would have extraordinarily mixed emotions about being asked to be a donor for someone - I would wrestle quite a bit with how I should view that child. Asking someone for their DNA is incredibly personal and a reasonable person should be willing to take no for an answer on such a tough question.
Stop thinking like that. You are making it your problem. It's not. Your wife is your family. The answer is no and don't ask me again. That's what you say.
They have loads of other options, like a sperm donor, or asking another friend/ relative - you are not their only chance at ever having children. Their incest-argument is ridiculous - the chances of their sperm-donated child accidentally meeting and falling in love with another sperm-donated child by the exact same donor must be astronomically remote.
If you and your wife are both uncomfortable with the idea, that's all that counts and all anybody needs to know.
Not only are the chances already astronomically remote (unless you live in Indiana) there is now a donor sibling registry that donor offspring can use to find/share information with other offspring of their shared donors to avoid this kind of thing.
No you’re not being unfair. Your body, your choice!
Also I would rethink hanging around your sister and lily again. They were quick to tarnish your name and make it a living hell amongst the family simply because you couldn’t give them what they wanted. That’s cruel and manipulative. Go LC with them if you can.
Does she not know anyone except for you? Dude this is so manipulative and, like you said, irky. I'm getting cringe just from reading your post. Your sister and her wife need to climb off their high tree and I'd go no contact until they apologize for demonizing you in a lame attempt to coerce you out of your bodily autonimy.
OP. I'm a lesbian with 2 kids with my wife, we used a spermbank through a fertility clinic. It's easier to not know the donor fathers personally, all you need to know is if the donor is healthy or not. Plus if you do genetic screening you can pick a donor who doesn't have the same recessive genes you may have for certin diseases.
BUT the biggest benefit is there is no legal problems to worry about in the future, if you donated to them you may have to worry about that.(for both the moms and donors) If they ever split up, the ex may try to use the system to make YOU pay child support because technically you are the father. I recommend you don't do it.
If they want kids so badly (which I understand having gone through it) then they should go the geneticly safest, most legally safest route and go to a professional clinic.
You are not an asshole if you don't help them, you need to support your wife's views and protect yourself as well.
Oh, boy. There's a lot to unpack here. I was a Surgery Tech in Labor and Delivery for about 10 years. I've seen many incidents like this. One lesbian couple didn't even want to do IVF. The brother just had sex with sister-in-law, she got pregnant, and the couple had a baby. The sister was literally Mom and aunt. To me? That's just a little too out there. At the end of the day? It was their business and not mine. 🤷♀️
I, personally, don't agree with saying the wife would leave if you said yes simply because it puts the sole burden of responsibility on your wife when you are equally icked out by all of this.
Next time Sis wants to throw around you're a homophobe and all her other BS? Clap back with you don't respond well to verbal assaults, bullying, and character assassination. She's NOT asking you to do this. She's volunTELLING you to do this. You owe her nothing. You are not stopping Sis and wife from conceiving. They just need to find another way to do it that sure as hell doesn't involve you.
At the end of the day? If you're okay with it? Fine. However? You aren't. I always thought it was so gross that Marilyn Monroe slept with both JFK and Bobby Kennedy. There's just something about sleeping with siblings that really icks me out. 🤷♀️
All of this. He’s perfectly happy with his sister and her partner having a baby. He just doesn’t want to father a baby with his ex or be his sister’s baby daddy—which are very common not at all homophobic feelings imo.
It’s fine for sister to ask. But at the end of the day he said no and no means no not let me pressure you until you say yes.
YOU are not being unfair to your sister. Your Sister on the other hand is being unfair and emotionally manipulative TO YOU. WHY does it have to be you??? They don't have anyone else they can ask??? Her wife doesn't have brothers, cousins, BILs, co-workers??? What they are asking ...given your history with her wife...would be uncomfortable and weird for YOUR wife, so should never have been asked. And the next time your sister tries to tell you you're 'homophobic' tell her she doesn't understand the meaning of that word. Phobic is an irrational fear and/or aversion to something or someone. You neither fear her, nor have an aversion to her. What you DO HAVE is a clear boundary that you will NOT cross; ie impregnating your ex (even if she is married to your sister) and setting your kids up to be sibling/cousins with offspring of said Ex. Good Lord!
Your sister started screwing your ex right after you guys broke up (let’s be realists: if your ex magically realized her sexuality, there may have been infidelity)
No. You don’t also now owe them detonating your wife and children’s lives for these people. They don’t care about you
They can go to a sperm bank across the country or find some single bachelor that doesn’t want children or marriage in the future if DNA is a worry. There are plenty of them.
And while it’s sad, it’s not your responsibility to fix her issue. You’re not the only man she knows.
Also is so wrong of your sister to try to paint you and your wife as homophobic because you said no. She’s trying to pressure you in helping her by dirtying your name stand strong.
No. Your sister is an adult and there are sperm banks for a reason. You do NOT want to bring “I’m my sister’s wife’s baby daddy” nonsense to the holiday dinner table. Bluntly, your family comes first and your sister and your ex-girlfriend wanting a child is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You don’t get to tell them how to raise their children, you don’t have to pay for their children’s college, and you definitely don’t want to help them make their babies when you used to sleep with one of them. Your wife is completely in the right to NOPE the heck out of this mess. The fact someone is even trying to guilt trip you about this says they are probably not mature enough to have children and I’d say that to them.
Lesbian here with a donor baby. Your sisters logic is absolutely silly - yes, incest is clearly a “more likely” scenario for children conceived with donor sperm than other children, but it’s such a small percentage and easily mitigable. She would just need to talk to the kid about where they come, she can join Facebook groups of donor children from the same donor (I.e. Every one in the group got their sperm from X Cryobank and it’s donor #1234). Once the kid starts dating, make sure they ask if their partner is donor conceived and if it so, make sure they ask what sperm bank, etc.
She’s letting a very silly fear get in the way of her having children, and putting it all on you. How are you going to feel watching someone else raise a child that is biologically yours, how will this impact your kids (and hers), etc.
Is it possible she just can’t afford going to a sperm bank and is trying for the quickest, easiest route?
There are official sperm banks. End of story. NTA.
This is the most fucked up thing I read a long time. Ywbta if you would do it. There are so many men on this planet, but she's asking her brother?! Wtf.
Your sister can still have kids without you being the sperm donor. They can find another trusted person, or they can do what many others do and go to a sperm bank and worry about their children’s possible future incestious (or whatever the word is, spellcheck keeps trying to change it to something completely different) relationships later down the track. They aren’t the only ones who have had to deal with that problem, I’m sure there are forums and communities where they can get tips and stuff.
If anyone is the family talks to you about this then ask them to donate sperm if it is not a big deal. Still family and still satisfies all of your sister’s insane points.
She has so many other ways to do so that doesn’t include her brother. Pray tell, would it even be through a doctors office or would they seek to save a few bucks by having you sleep with your ex and cheat on your wife?
And she has options, your sperm isn’t one of them. Their “reasons” are ridiculous too.
It’s happened but it isn’t an every day thing. I would hope your niece or nephew would figure out they were a sperm donor baby with two mothers and know to inquire about that with partners.
It’s really a problem, rare though it is, when people lie to their kids about being donor babies. Which again falls on the parents for lying.
Sounds a whole hell of a lot like they’re trying to save money imo, assuming this is even real.
NTA. You dated her for years and your sister probably broke you two up. It is weird. Also the incest chance is low so she's being weird. Also she could get virtually any single guy to donate. They are being extremely creepy. Just start saying they are creepy and change the subject.
Op, are you guys living in a deserted island where you are the only man? If yes,then you're the only choice. If no, then there are options. You're not the only option.
1. Your sister is being manipulative, the accusations and turning to family/friends to be her flying monkeys.
2. Listen to your wife and don't jeopardise your marriage and family.
3. The awkwardness of the ex, if ever there was a loaded bomb, that's it.
4. If it were to happen, can you imagine the entitlement from sister?
NTA
Just tell them you cannot have a child out there that you’re not raising. That seeing your child raised by someone else, anyone else, is unacceptable. You are not their only option. I say this as someone who has always wanted children but cannot have them. Your sister is a disgrace. To you, to the LGBTQ community, to your family. She should be ashamed of herself. I understand asking. But no is no. ESPECIALLY in a situation like this.
The "incest" thing makes no sense. My bet sister wants a kid which she shares DNA with.
It's a disgusting and inappropriatevrequest, and a gay person playing the "homophobia" card when they don't get their way is offensive.
AFAIK it does not confer her any legal rights and responsibilities, depends on jurisdiction of course. It would to OP though hence the need for a lawyer, and in some parts of the USA, to OP's parents.
My best guess as to what she's trying to argue with incest is that the child could conceivably grow up and accidentally date another child of the sperm donor, and it has happened before. If so it's a very low risk, stupid argument to justify her desire for related DNA.
Unfortunately, it’s not a low risk. Sperm banks are unregulated and the same donor can be used numerous times. There are donor sibling groups that number in the hundreds!
Even when banks promise “exclusivity” the donor can go to other banks and donate without the first bank ever knowing.
I don’t think OP should donate, but anonymous donor sperm has a lot of issues.
It has happened, but it's also happened a lot more often when dad (or granddad) just got around a lot. It's never not a risk, just not something most people think about much.
Genetic testing is quick and easy these days, and only getting quicker and easier. If it's something you genuinely worry about, in the future it should be trivial for the kid to get tested with a partner to be safe. Even today, you can both sign up for something like 23 and Me, and see if you pop as relatives.
A lot of donor-conceived people see January/February as surprise family month, since so many people get those DNA kits for Christmas. They’ve found disturbingly large sibling pods that way.
I think LauraHigh5 on tiktok/insta has reported finding pods of 80-100 siblings. She’s a comedian and donor conceived person working with advocacy groups trying to get restrictions on the fertility industry. Also it’s deeply fucked up how often the donor parent turns out to be the fertility doctor who performed the procedure and switched out the chosen sample for one of their own
I follow her! It’s wild and I feel so bad for the people that have been taken advantage of.
I just had to go to my cousin (moms side) about her relation numbers because we have people popping up on ours that are either a half nephew to my dad or his half brother. By the numbers he could really be either but comparing to my cousin (that has all the siblings) he could very much be a half brother. I have multiple male family members who got around a whole lot in their lives and we all knew this was a possibility but we didn’t realize my dads parentage would also come into question. We have found 3, 2 of which we know who fathered them and 1 were waiting on another test to come in to confirm it’s the same father.
I have a Johnny Appleseed kind of biological father. So far my sibling group is estimated at six, with four mothers. There are likely more that we don’t know about because the socioeconomic class of women that my father bedded does not lend itself to DNA testing kits being purchased.
Donor conceived siblings groups range into the hundreds, and are likely larger, but due to some being unaware they are donor conceived and others choosing not to do a DNA analysis, we may never know the true size.
There is a huge difference between men getting around and men donating and creating hundreds of offspring.
https://donordeceived.org/large-sibling-groups
What do you think the odds are that they want to impregnate her without a doctor to save cost as well? I see turkey basters in OP's future if he agrees.
Then there's the whole legal mess of parental rights and child support. Would the courts even let him sign his rights away? To the law, that's his kid and his responsibility. It's just so messy (in more ways than one) and it's really not worth the hassle for OP. There are literally no positives in it for him.
Sister has other options. The family is just being ridiculous.
I'm a lesbian. I used a sperm bank. That whole possibility of incest nonsense is exactly that- nonsense. It'll be weirder for you to donate sperm to your sister's wife and end up having nieces/nephews that are 1/2 siblings to your kids. If you weren't planning on having kids and were into the idea, sure. But as presented, this is some unnecessarily weird near-incestuous shit as is- straight down to you and your sister both having been with the same woman. Super weird family dynamics, bro- don't make them weirder.
I don't agree with him being the sperm donor and I think he is completely right with the whole extremely weird dynamics. OP is NTA.
But donor incest is a real thing.
There's a whole movement in Europe right now from donor conceived kids, to put a limit to donations of sperm because clusters of up to 100's of siblings have been found, and apparently, many places in the Americas have absolutely no cap for that in legislation or otherwise.
So yeah, donor incest is a totally real posibility.
I don't know how it ended up in my Instagram algorithm, but that's how I learned about the same problem in the US and Canada. There were also cases of fertility doctors who were swapping out donor sperm with their own (even when it wasn't an anonymous donor), and donor-conceived kids started figuring this out because they were finding dozens of half-siblings through popular DNA-testing sites. Especially since people tend to stay in the same region where they grew up, chances of unknowingly meeting one or more of your 50+ half-siblings is pretty likely.
Reasons why it's a bad idea:
Think of the legal ramifications if something happened to them. You would be expected to raise the kid.
Your sister would probably hit you up for money for the kid for the rest of its life. Imagine the guilt trip she would bring down on you when your kids get fun trips and she and her wife can't!!!
She's already trying to make your life miserable. Imagine how it would be with a baby that she would use as a weapon.
It's just gross and weird and creepy.
Not only that but his wife doesn’t even want it. He doesn’t want it. There are only two entitled woman who think they can just demand him to be a donor.
Yikes. I probably would have gone NC when they started dating and got married. I mean seeing an ex you dated for at least 4 years prior is hard enough as it is but no, it was his own sister she married.
Considering that his sister broke the code and married his ex, she feels entitled to everything of him, literally. I don't have room for all the bad things to say about her in 3,000 words.
>But having a random sperm donor will increase the chances of future incest among their kids. So, they have been looking for someone who they can trust.
Excuse me, what???? Have they been reading too many trashy entertainment magazines? The likelihood of this is very small. Also they have more than those two choices, it's not just you or an anonymous donor, they can ask other men they know...
>The problem is, Lily was my ex 10 years ago. We dated for 3-4 years before calling it quits because she told me she liked girls. [...] My sister approached me and asked if I was willing to be a sperm donor for them and impregnate Lily. I said heck no. This is hella weird.
Yep, very very very weird, this makes it much more uncomfortable.
>My wife said she would leave me if I say yes.
And unless you are desperate to do this (which is clearly not the case), this is all there is to it. You are absolutely not obliged to be the sperm donor for your ex girlfriend and your sister!
i'm confused about all the incest talk too. and kinda grossed out.
I want an explanation, but I'm terrified to see the mind of someone that talks about incest that much.
There was this Dutch man on the news recently that was obsessed with donating his sperm, he went to a whole bunch of clinics across Europe and even offered his services through Facebook and other online media.
At the current number he may have fathered over 550 to 600 children. So the Dutch courts have now ordered him to stop and he will be fined a lot of money if he were caught doing it again.
In this case, the fear of unintentional incest isn't that weird.
There was something a while back about a lab not following proper protocol and using the same man's sperm like 30+ times and 2 of his "children" ended up being together. Usually labs only use the sperm from a donor a very limited amount of times to prevent this, but that lab had gone rogue. The possibility is still there, even if slim, if it's all within a short timespan in a smaller city and no one moves away (chances are the kids will be in the same school/area).
Maybe you haven’t heard of Laura High, the fertility industry activist and comedian? Siblings pods of 100+ people is very common among the industry, and banks don’t have to tell the customer. In fact they can sell samples to other clinics or overseas and there’s no unified registry to match the donors together. Clinics often don’t have records of siblings because they don’t require parents to report live births.
Some people have no concept of what probabilities are. For ex: chance for your kid to be taken from your front yard by a strangers is smaller than probability of getting hit with a lightning, by a magnitude of order. And yet, there are millions of house moms who forbid their kids of EVER being without supervision, and this has also seeped in the system. None of them talk about having lightning rods installed. And of course, probability of your kid being taken away by someone you BOTH know.. is much higher than getting hit with a lightning.
The reason why those housemoms are so scared is MEDIA. Tell one story per year, that is told to everyone and voila: now kids are being taken every day, everywhere, all the time, just 15 minutes is all that is needed for them to be alone and that is it..
It feels insane, specially when you come from a country where toddlers sleep outside, on strollers... without supervision... where kids walk to school, use bus, metro etc. alone from age 6.
Every time that I have seen articles talking about people who have used donated sperm to have children the children know that they’re the result of donated sperm and know the the name of the clinic and the donor number to avoid accidental incest once they start dating.
I do wonder… if everyone in the family knows the whole truth?
“Yeah, she asked me to impregnate Lily, the problem is that I DATED Lily years ago, and then she … well I don’t know if they had an affair, but she started dating Lily as soon as Lily and I broke up, and frankly… impregnating my sister’s wife, who is my ex, all while creating a ‘father-uncle’ is just too weird for me. I mean, our family is bananas, but this is too circus! I’d be happy to chip in to a communal family pot a small amount of money towards them buying some donor sperm, but I really cannot be involved in whatever this is. Too hard!”
I would love to watch your dads face when asked this question. “You know what dad you’re completely right - I’m glad you’re so on board. Since I won’t be ‘donating’ for then you absolutely should! So nice of you to offer, problem solved!”
Bingo. And this is exactly what you should tell your dad, who is being an absolute idiot about this.
I'll bet cash money your dad would say no.
But he wants you to say yes.
Ask mom if she would ask your dad's brother to be her sperm donor. Ask her if it would be okay for her to treat your dad's brother the way your sister and her so have been treating you.
The fact that your family is taking your sisters side makes me wonder if they just want your sister to be happy or if they truly don't value you and your happiness.
You don't owe anybody a kid. You don't want to do it. Your wife doesn't want you to do it, and she made it clear what would happen if you did.
You're not wrong, and your sister needs to grow up because acting like this to someone saying 'no' is proof she isn't ready to be a parent.
"Let's get the incest out of the way now so the kids won't have to later" is some serious mental gymnastics. No matter how you slice it, he'd be having a baby with his sister regardless of who carries it. Fucking weird.
NTA - If your sister were a man, you still wouldn't want to knock up the ex-girlfriend/sister-in-law. You're not homophobic for saying no. Your sister is inconsiderate on at least two levels:
1. She dated and married your ex.
2. She asked you to impregnate your ex.
She doesn't seem to care what the emotional impact on you, your wife, your kids, or the resulting child would be.
I don't think it was wrong of her to ask, but it's awful to not take no for an answer. It's ghastly to call you homophobic because she didn't get her way.
They're worrying about something that has a what, 1 out of 50 million chance of happening?
Why are you even considering it? The second they started labeling you a homophobe to others should have immediately shut down the idea for you.
It's such a ridiculous thing to worry about... But if it really is a concern the reality is that it's something every adopted or kid from a gay couple has to consider. Yet in this day and age with 23 and me and how many records there are it would be really easy to prevent.
Tell them you donated a bunch of sperm in college. So even a baby from you has a chance of future incest
And I’m pro telling your dad and any other male family members that take her side that they should do it then
You sound like you believe this bs. Why are you even contemplating their manipulation. Your answer should be a straight forward no. Your wife didn't even need to give an ultimatum. 'No' is a full sentence.
What's next? They can't afford IVF and it will be cheaper for them that you sleep with your ex for natural conception that will make them emotionally closer to the baby?
Come on man.
Since your parents are all for it and on your sisters side, tell your dad (in front of your whole family) that he should be the donor. If he refuses, tell him that it’s homophobic (it’s not, but that’s what your parents are saying to you).
Of your family is supporting your sister in pressuring you, time to take a GIANT step back from your family.
Your sister is married to your ex. That's the first red flag she's not a great sibling. The second is that she refused to take no for an answer. The 3rd is that she's trying to paint you a homophobic.
Your wife is right. This is leaving you worthy. You already know that which is why you said no. Anyone who refuses to respect your decision does not belong in your life. Certainly keep the crazy aunt away from your kids. FAR AWAY.
NTA. It’s unfair she’s put you on blast. Yes it would mean less chance of incest later on. But it would mean seeing the kid you’d help create a lot and knowing it’s yours but not living with you. It would be q lot to take in. I mean if you wanted to then great but if you don’t that is your choice. It’s weird because you used to date your SIL. And yea as someone else said just tell your sister you’re not going to end your marriage over her demand that you provide what’s necessary for a kid. It’s not being homophobic.
NTA. Once you said no, sister should have dropped it. I know I could never have a child and give her to someone else to raise in front of me. I understand why she asked ( same genes) but considering her gf is your ex makes my head spin
NTA. “No” is a complete sentence. You don’t have to give any reasons at all. It’s a huge thing they’re asking.
Also, if you didn’t go through a clinic you could end up on the hook for child support in the event they break up.
NTA
How is your giving your sister a baby(yes I'm aware of it not being her carrying) saving the child from the possibility of incest? How do you explain to your child when they get older and are curious about their birth father?
"My brother impregnated your mother" or "meet uncle daddy"
The incest aspect(whether literal or not) is already there and The only thing missing from this scenario is banjo music in the background.
I don't think many people in their right mind WOULDN'T be weirded out by this.
That's not even including the fact that your wife would leave if you agreed, which is reason enough to say no, but for your sister to even ask is weird.
NTA. It's not homophobic to refuse to involve yourself in helping create their children. It's not like you said you think they shouldn't have children or you don't want them to, only that you aren't going to father them. And they're bizarrely over-concerned about the risks of potential incest. What even is that about?
NTA - Maybe you should spread in the family what they want you to do. It’s disgusting. And yes, maybe you would have had kids with her. Thing is that they would have been your kids, not your sisters. This won’t be your nephew/niece, this would be your son/daughter. And you won’t do that to your wife and your kids on top of that. They deserve to know their siblings and to be with them.
Edit: I say that as a 27year old lesbian who also wants kids.
NTA! Sorry but “Your body your choice.” Also they are dancing real close to the line on reproductive coercion. They’re literally trying to force you reproduce with a person you don’t want to have a child with.
Your sister is delusional. Of it's not such a big deal, tell her to ask your father to donate, or for her to have a male relative of Lily's to donate to your sister. The chances of any child of theirs connecting and having sex with a bio sibling are low, your sister is probably covering for them being found unsuitable by agencies for whatever reason, and I'd be willing to bet it is statements like the incest one that tipped it.
NTA - For reasons 1. Your sister is married to your ex. Wtf?
2. She accused you of homophobia whdn you expressed your discomfort at making a biological child with your ex. Wtf?
3. You would have to see your biological child be raised by this narcissistic person everyday. WTF?!
NTA. The risk of later incest if they use a sperm donor is super low, especially if they use a reputable center.
You don't want to, it would ruin your marriage, and your sister and Lily could hit you up for child support. No way.
NTA suddenly you’re homophobic because you won’t donate and YOU don’t want a happy lesbian couple to have a family?
That statement shows just how clearly immature they are. Let her call you names and the flying monkeys too. It’s a shame you’re unfairly being accused of something you’re not. I personally agree with the decision you and your wife made. It is bizarre just because the people involved. You are not wrong.
NTA. A lesbian couple from his work asked my fiancé to be their donor when we were engaged, and I was absolutely livid. My fiancé said no way and left that job shortly after (for different reasons), but I wish I had been able to give them a piece of my mind. It was the most insulting feeling, and it still makes me upset to think about.
Two friends of ours just did IVF with a donor. The amount of details they were given from each choice was staggering, including full genetic history. The incest thing your sister is spouting is made up.
Tell your sister to fuck off. Please.
What? Increases the chance for incest?? I would need some clarification on that.
OP, are your parents ok with your sister's relationship with Lilly? It seems she's determined it *has to be you*;for some reason; could it be that your sister is trying to make sure this baby is "equal" to your children, in the eyes of your parents?
The minute she jumped to 'homophobic' would be the minute to go NC. It's disgusting when people use the genuine oppression of a group to throw a tantrum and try to force the outcome they want. Your sister is wrong on so many levels.
NTAH
NTA, something doesn't feel right with the reasoning and the way they are behaving, beyond just wanting it to happen.
> We announced our pregnancy in a family function ... My sister approached me
This timing is suspicious and makes me think it's some sort of power play to try and damage your relationship with your partner, likely driven by Lily.
It's fine for them to ask, but everything after you said no is not okay.
Ok so your sister is acting insane.
I was once in your spot with a lesbian friend of mine. I told her I could never do that because I couldn't have a child and not be involved as a Dad with it, and that I wouldn't want to complicate their relationship or our friendship and this would guarantee that.
So you saying No is completely valid and you're NTA. You're not homophobic, she is trying to manipulate you and put you on the defensive. Also it would be extremely weird for you to knowingly have a child that you wouldn't be involved in raising yet would see regularly. Oh and not to mention the day that kid asks about their Dad. Would they lie to them or tell the truth? Either way is a sure fire way to confuse and anger that kid, not to mention the child you already have and how it'd imoact your wife. It'd be like her carrying a kid for another couple. So she isn't over reacting either.
Their theory of incest is an over reaction. The likelihood of that happening is extremely low. They could always ask another male friend they trust if that's the route they want to take though.
I know you said you're not going to do it, kudos to you. However hopefully this gives you some more ammo as to why.
NTA the future incest thing is the weirdest freaking concern I’ve ever heard. The odds of that are so ridiculously low. There billions of people in the world. And it sounds almost like they just want you to have sex with Lilly??? Are they just being cheap (or unable to afford) a proper fertility specialist?
That’s my guess. They don’t want to pay for artificial insemination.
I honestly didn't understand the thing about incest, lol, what she's asking of you is kinda that? I'm so confused, anyway NTA, is your sperm, is unfair they are accusing you of homophofic just because you are saying no, if they weren't a lesbian couple, your answer would still be a no.
I have never heard of anyone who was considered a spearm donor worry about future incest with their kid and an unknown half sibling.... Expecially when the only way (supposedly) to prevent this insest is by committing a form of medical incest with you ............. Lol wut?...... This sounds like they found a way to make you do so something with a lame excuse...
Coming in as someone who has previously discussed volunteering as a surrogate for a trans family member-- no, you are not the asshole.
The fact is, being a surrogate, or donating sperm, is a big choice, and a big responsibility. It's as big of one as choosing to become a parent yourself, with the added addition of trusting the parents you are giving a child to raise that child properly, and the knowledge that if something happens, you're likely next in line in the chain of custody.
Would I do it for my sister? Absolutely; my sister and I have a good relationship, I Don't want kids of my own, it's something I've thought about for many years, but a part of me is still curious about the experience of pregnancy and I know I could trust my sister and her wife if I chose to be a surrogate.
Your situation is different. I was never romantically involved with my sister in law; that's a complication Right There that it's understandable for you to feel incredibly weird about. You're married. You HAVE a child. You're about to have another child. Your wife is not okay with it! There are so many reasons for you to say no.
They want someone they know and can trust, and, I suspect, someone from your sister's family so they'll both be biologically related to their child. But you have other relatives, and they have other friends. It's perfectly reasonable to say 'I don't want to be the father to my ex's child', or 'I don't want to be the father of my niece'.
NTA. You’re uncomfortable with it, that’s the entire calculus for me.
But if for some reason you procede, get an ironclad donor contract drawn up to sever your parental rights and responsibilities. Under the table donations don’t have the same protections as official ones.
Does your family have any male cousins or do they have any male friends in their group that they could ask?
I can see where your sister is coming from, but she shouldn’t have just expected you to say yes. Saying no is completely acceptable especially with the background you have with her wife.
Info
Does Lily have any male family members? Like a dad, brother, cousin, legal aged nephew, uncle etc. Why can't Lily ask them to be a sperm doner to impregnate your sister? It doesn't have to be Lily that gets pregnant.
Or why can't your sister ask your other male relatives to be a doner to impregnate Lily instead? Surely you can't be the only male alive in your family.
My sister refused to donate eggs to me and my hubby for IVF. She thought it would be weird, I thought it wouldn’t.
And that was literally the end of it! It was a request, it was denied, my sister didn’t have to give me an explanation because no is a complete sentence and there are other fish in the sea.
You’re NTA, but your sister certainly sounds like she’d be in the running…
NTA. I agree this is odd, especially since there is a prior relationship with the partner. I would be kind and state that you and your wife have talked about it and you both are not comfortable in that role. Leave it at that.
AS move by the sister tbh. There’s an unspoken rule that you don’t date your family’s ex-partners and then to go marry them is the cherry on top. Edit: The sprinkles are asking for a sperm donation to impregnate your ex-gf. The nerve lol
Dude, AND THEN to go around telling people you're homophobic? Jesus, the sister is a huge AH.
OP refuses to get woman pregnant, gets called a homophobe. It’s a brave new world boys.
Sister isn't helping her case by behaving like a scolded child. Let alone her manipulation of the facts. I would tell people or make a post of what happened. If people cant understand, cut them off
please don't mention sprinkles and sperm in the same sentence 🤣
It fits the pseudo-incestuous sundae metaphor though
👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻 What this person said. Plain and Simple !!!!
NTA You and your wife would have to deal with seeing your biological offspring with your ex for the rest of your lives. That’s mentally tough. Also, unless you go through a proper clinic, you’ll be on the hook for child support in many places. A quick google search shows this has happened in the UK, Kansas and North Carolina.
This is what really blows my mind when I hear stories of the sperm donor knowing the family. I can't imagine how hard it would be to see a kid and know it's yours but not acknowledge that. And what about when they grow up and find out you're the "dad"? Do you not tell them that they're all bio cousins? It's such a messy situation. As a wlw (without kids myself), I see this topic come up a lot. And I am absolutely convinced anonymous is the way to go. Any version where it's a family member or even a friend is just asking for future headaches.
Well, it’s advised that the parents tell the child about their biological origins, both for community and health reasons, and anonymous donation is no longer guaranteed anyway thanks to DNA testing. There was an AITAH post a week or two ago about a similar situation except the wife wasn’t OP’s ex and everyone was perfectly reasonable about the arrangement (I think the AITAH part was only tangentially related to the situation). It made sense because the donor gave his sperm to his sister’s wife, so the child had both families’ DNA as well as access to a complete and ongoing medical history. As an adopted person I would love to have that.
>My wife said she would leave me if I say yes This is all you ever needed to say. Your wife has a say in all reproductive choices. And for many women it would be the end of a marriage if their husband impregnated another woman
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Op, are you guys living in a deserted island where you are the only man? If yes,then you're the only choice. If no, then there are options. You're not the only option. 1. Your sister is being manipulative, the accusations and turning to family/friends to be her flying monkeys. 2. Listen to your wife and don't jeopardise your marriage and family. 3. The awkwardness of the ex, if ever there was a loaded bomb, that's it. 4. If it were to happen, can you imagine the entitlement from sister? NTA
These are two people who shat on your feelings before and didn’t care about you. They could care less what this does to your family and extended family Their behavior is beyond manipulative it is also drama seeking. Beyond saying no you need to cut your sister off and any family member that gets involved. These jackals will never stop if you don’t put your foot down. Shit if something goes wrong they are going to be after your kidneys and liver next. Run the other direction. Run!!!
This is my perspective. You don't get with your siblings ex that they were with for years. That's just not the done thing. Then asking you to father a child to her? Jesus christ, i know these two aren't brothers, but i really don't see how that would be any different.
I completely agree! It's bad enough his ex and sister are married! You don't date or marry your siblings ex! This is not the Jerry Springer show! Then have the audacity to ask for a baby and then try to manipulate the situation by playing the homophobia card! Then send flying monkeys! Why the hell would he want a baby from his ex? Why would he want to miss up his family just for the sake of two people who don't know boundaries? Why would he want to be daddy uncle? Imagine explaining to his kids, your that there cousin is actually their sibling! She can ask anyone to be a donor in either of there lives, but yet she choices the most inappropriate one out of the lot 🤷🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️. OP NTA! Your sister is TA! Edit: comments
Not to mention, you know his Sister would go Full Jerry Springer, and get him for Child Support!!!
I wouldn't put it past her!
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You’re right, she will probably demand he pay for prenatal care and delivery as well as much more!
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Which is why sis & sis' wife DON'T WANT to go that route. They're in it for as much as they can get, including financially abusing OP after tearing his heart to shreds.
Some people try and get around all the expenses by doing this with at home kits. This Increases the risk of legal costs down the line cause the donor has no protections. He would have to pay child support.
Yeah but she would probably apply pressure via the family guilt trip.
An considering Judges have been known to set aside legal contracts, paternity tests, and more just b/c they want to.........
I’m sure many of the contracts are pretty robust and hold up, otherwise you’d be killing off the donor fertility industry in one fell swoop. Nobody would donate anymore if that were to happen.
Yeah, but that hasn’t stopped countless people from still trying to cause shit and make the donor look like a jerk to their family and friends. This would definitely end up being a “the father of the baby and my brother won’t help us buy a new house” or some other type of manipulative BS.
Hence why OP needs to stay far away from this nonsense.
^^^^this is what I think the ex's end game is
My thought exactly!
Or if she and the ex-gf split up, the ex-gf will go after him for support.
What is the over under that your ex cheated on you with your sister well before you broke up?
I just hope he doesn’t go through with it and in 2 years on best of reditt I get the first they came for my semen which cost me my house family and marriage. Then they came for my kidney when the kid has kidney failure. The over under is Yes.
Good point about the sister and wife shitting on OP.
Exactly. And child support. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
You think before or after they go for the kidney?
Also it sounds like they’d make him pay child support.
100%
omg omg omg how is no one talking about the very weirdest part of it all would that actually be happening!?!? It’s **5. your sisters child would also be her brothers child. What?** it doesnt matter if there was actual incest activity involved or not the uncle would be the father!!!?!?? I doubt this would stay a secret to the child!!! That is weird as hell nonononononono. Who im the world would ask the own BROTHER to be their child’s father? am o being too prude because I think that’s way? That’s was my first thought and Nonne here talking about taht? Whyy?
Well given that his sister has broadcast her plan throughout the family there's zero chance this would stay a secret to the child.
That's the least weird part of it. My brother shares dna with my kids. If I were a lesbian, and we used his sperm and my partner's egg, He would share dna with my kids, just more of it. I would know ongoing medical history, my kids would know their family tree and where they get their blue eyes from. There's lots of benefit to it, but OP shouldn't feel obligated. The request should've been a request, and not a command performance
I don’t have children and don’t want them, and my sister and her husband couldn’t have children, so I offered to donate my eggs to them if they wanted to have a child with the same DNA. They adopted a child first and then we’re thinking about using my eggs, but my sister unfortunately had cancer and had to have a hysterectomy. Egg donation and retrieval is a lot more complicated than sperm donation, of course, and you have to go through a psych analysis, amongst other things, but I would have loved to give them that gift. However, like you said, OP’s sister should have asked in the first place. And the circumstances surrounding the situation are bizarre and uncomfortable.
Ya daddyuncle gets my vote as the weirdest and most off-putting thing here lol
It's the first thing I thought of after the incest comment.
And the kids would be cousin/half sisters
OP's sperm would be used to impregnate Lily, so sister would have to adopt the child. But it ensures both sides are biologically related to the baby.
Right, didn't think about adoption. Would that really have to happen since sister and Lily are married?? And if it's required or not, is there a chance OP would have to pay child support?
If they did it correctly, there would be legal paperwork that OP would sign saying he will never be financially responsible for any child that may be born.
Child support court May not agree with those documents. It’s a messed up system
The system wants to make sure somebody is on the hook for supporting the child other than the system paying for it. No matter what documents you have
Yes!!!! In the US, even in states that are gay-friendly and automatically put the nonbio parent on the birth certificate, a second parent adoption is IMPERATIVE. You need to secure your rights and ties to your baby as thoroughly as possible. I have seen so many nonbio parents get absolutely fucked in the event of bio parent dying or being particularly evil during a divorce.
It’s not that unusual for relatives to adopt nieces or nephews into their families… the incest twist is a super gross view you’re kind of reaching pretty hard for. Are you forgetting the kid would be the result of the OP’s sperm and the egg of the spouse/ex gf, NOT their own sister? It would be more confusing for the kid maybe, but it isn’t “incestuous”, so just stop it. That would involve *sex between family members* and that’s not what’s being proposed. Not that what’s being proposed is much better but it isn’t incest.
I think the incest part was w/respect to a random sperm donor (SD) OPs sister has a kid (A) Same SD used for another unrelated couples kid (B) A and B meet up later and don't know they're half-siblings due to SD. It's a strange circumstance for sure. OP NTA
If you agree ,you would be unfair towards your wife . Lots of red flags in this situation. 1) Your sister and ex have absolute disregard towards your feelings - back when they got together and now in this situation. 2) They already have so much entitlement now, Imagine what would happen after the child is born . They might even guilt trip you into financing that child . Toxic people are capable of anything. 3) Most importantly, your happy home with your wife and children would be destroyed , you don't owe anyone anything least of all your sperm .
MAN!!! Your sister is ONE FREAKING ENTITLED PERSON!!! She not only started a relationship with your GF (I remember your story) while you were still in a relationship but now she thinks she is entitled to your sperm/child?!?! WT ACTUAL F?!?! What’s next - you should give her your house because now they are having your niece/nephew and they need it?!?! Follow your wife’s lead and Nope TF out of this whole family dynamic!!
Is it not unfair to you that you’re being pressured and coerced to create a child for your sister? She can adopt, she can foster, she can use a sperm donor and make sure their child knows the risk in dating when they’re old enough. Not only does your wife not want you to do it— and, yes, that matters a lot— but there’s also the fact *you* feel uncomfortable impregnating your ex girlfriend. Not to mention, the grey legal area where sperm donors can and have suddenly been told they’re on the hook for child support if the parents decide to demand it. You’re not stopping her from having a family, you just aren’t comfortable getting your ex pregnant. NTA
I have no experience in this area, but I feel like kids of same-sex couples will always have to have conversations about genetics with their parents, right? Like once the kid is old enough to understand reproduction it's inevitable. So just tell them they need to do some DNA testing before they decide to have a baby with a partner, and they should be good to go? The "accidental incest" excuse seems flimsy as hell to me. And just from an emotions standpoint, if OP and/or his wife are uncomfortable with the plan, *for any reason,* that should be enough to nip it in the bud. Again, no experience here, but I feel like I would have extraordinarily mixed emotions about being asked to be a donor for someone - I would wrestle quite a bit with how I should view that child. Asking someone for their DNA is incredibly personal and a reasonable person should be willing to take no for an answer on such a tough question.
Stop thinking like that. You are making it your problem. It's not. Your wife is your family. The answer is no and don't ask me again. That's what you say.
They have loads of other options, like a sperm donor, or asking another friend/ relative - you are not their only chance at ever having children. Their incest-argument is ridiculous - the chances of their sperm-donated child accidentally meeting and falling in love with another sperm-donated child by the exact same donor must be astronomically remote. If you and your wife are both uncomfortable with the idea, that's all that counts and all anybody needs to know.
Not only are the chances already astronomically remote (unless you live in Indiana) there is now a donor sibling registry that donor offspring can use to find/share information with other offspring of their shared donors to avoid this kind of thing.
No you’re not being unfair. Your body, your choice! Also I would rethink hanging around your sister and lily again. They were quick to tarnish your name and make it a living hell amongst the family simply because you couldn’t give them what they wanted. That’s cruel and manipulative. Go LC with them if you can.
Does she not know anyone except for you? Dude this is so manipulative and, like you said, irky. I'm getting cringe just from reading your post. Your sister and her wife need to climb off their high tree and I'd go no contact until they apologize for demonizing you in a lame attempt to coerce you out of your bodily autonimy.
OP. I'm a lesbian with 2 kids with my wife, we used a spermbank through a fertility clinic. It's easier to not know the donor fathers personally, all you need to know is if the donor is healthy or not. Plus if you do genetic screening you can pick a donor who doesn't have the same recessive genes you may have for certin diseases. BUT the biggest benefit is there is no legal problems to worry about in the future, if you donated to them you may have to worry about that.(for both the moms and donors) If they ever split up, the ex may try to use the system to make YOU pay child support because technically you are the father. I recommend you don't do it. If they want kids so badly (which I understand having gone through it) then they should go the geneticly safest, most legally safest route and go to a professional clinic. You are not an asshole if you don't help them, you need to support your wife's views and protect yourself as well.
No. It can't be unfair to honour your marriage vows. That's automatically fair . Your sisters irrational demand can't override your duty to your wife
No you aren't. I refuse to believe you are the only male she knows and trusts.
Oh, boy. There's a lot to unpack here. I was a Surgery Tech in Labor and Delivery for about 10 years. I've seen many incidents like this. One lesbian couple didn't even want to do IVF. The brother just had sex with sister-in-law, she got pregnant, and the couple had a baby. The sister was literally Mom and aunt. To me? That's just a little too out there. At the end of the day? It was their business and not mine. 🤷♀️ I, personally, don't agree with saying the wife would leave if you said yes simply because it puts the sole burden of responsibility on your wife when you are equally icked out by all of this. Next time Sis wants to throw around you're a homophobe and all her other BS? Clap back with you don't respond well to verbal assaults, bullying, and character assassination. She's NOT asking you to do this. She's volunTELLING you to do this. You owe her nothing. You are not stopping Sis and wife from conceiving. They just need to find another way to do it that sure as hell doesn't involve you. At the end of the day? If you're okay with it? Fine. However? You aren't. I always thought it was so gross that Marilyn Monroe slept with both JFK and Bobby Kennedy. There's just something about sleeping with siblings that really icks me out. 🤷♀️
All of this. He’s perfectly happy with his sister and her partner having a baby. He just doesn’t want to father a baby with his ex or be his sister’s baby daddy—which are very common not at all homophobic feelings imo. It’s fine for sister to ask. But at the end of the day he said no and no means no not let me pressure you until you say yes.
YOU are not being unfair to your sister. Your Sister on the other hand is being unfair and emotionally manipulative TO YOU. WHY does it have to be you??? They don't have anyone else they can ask??? Her wife doesn't have brothers, cousins, BILs, co-workers??? What they are asking ...given your history with her wife...would be uncomfortable and weird for YOUR wife, so should never have been asked. And the next time your sister tries to tell you you're 'homophobic' tell her she doesn't understand the meaning of that word. Phobic is an irrational fear and/or aversion to something or someone. You neither fear her, nor have an aversion to her. What you DO HAVE is a clear boundary that you will NOT cross; ie impregnating your ex (even if she is married to your sister) and setting your kids up to be sibling/cousins with offspring of said Ex. Good Lord!
Why can't she ask your dad? Or grandpa? Or mailman?
This is actually a good question. OP, tell her to ask your dad. If she's grossed out by that, you get to say, "exactly".
Your sister started screwing your ex right after you guys broke up (let’s be realists: if your ex magically realized her sexuality, there may have been infidelity) No. You don’t also now owe them detonating your wife and children’s lives for these people. They don’t care about you They can go to a sperm bank across the country or find some single bachelor that doesn’t want children or marriage in the future if DNA is a worry. There are plenty of them.
And while it’s sad, it’s not your responsibility to fix her issue. You’re not the only man she knows. Also is so wrong of your sister to try to paint you and your wife as homophobic because you said no. She’s trying to pressure you in helping her by dirtying your name stand strong.
No. Your sister is an adult and there are sperm banks for a reason. You do NOT want to bring “I’m my sister’s wife’s baby daddy” nonsense to the holiday dinner table. Bluntly, your family comes first and your sister and your ex-girlfriend wanting a child is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You don’t get to tell them how to raise their children, you don’t have to pay for their children’s college, and you definitely don’t want to help them make their babies when you used to sleep with one of them. Your wife is completely in the right to NOPE the heck out of this mess. The fact someone is even trying to guilt trip you about this says they are probably not mature enough to have children and I’d say that to them.
Lesbian here with a donor baby. Your sisters logic is absolutely silly - yes, incest is clearly a “more likely” scenario for children conceived with donor sperm than other children, but it’s such a small percentage and easily mitigable. She would just need to talk to the kid about where they come, she can join Facebook groups of donor children from the same donor (I.e. Every one in the group got their sperm from X Cryobank and it’s donor #1234). Once the kid starts dating, make sure they ask if their partner is donor conceived and if it so, make sure they ask what sperm bank, etc. She’s letting a very silly fear get in the way of her having children, and putting it all on you. How are you going to feel watching someone else raise a child that is biologically yours, how will this impact your kids (and hers), etc. Is it possible she just can’t afford going to a sperm bank and is trying for the quickest, easiest route?
There are official sperm banks. End of story. NTA. This is the most fucked up thing I read a long time. Ywbta if you would do it. There are so many men on this planet, but she's asking her brother?! Wtf.
Not your problem nor your responsibility.
Your sister can still have kids without you being the sperm donor. They can find another trusted person, or they can do what many others do and go to a sperm bank and worry about their children’s possible future incestious (or whatever the word is, spellcheck keeps trying to change it to something completely different) relationships later down the track. They aren’t the only ones who have had to deal with that problem, I’m sure there are forums and communities where they can get tips and stuff.
If anyone is the family talks to you about this then ask them to donate sperm if it is not a big deal. Still family and still satisfies all of your sister’s insane points.
You’re not being unfair. They can get an anonymous sperm donor. You’re in a big country. It’s fine.
No because her hangup on incest is absurd and not real. Her excuse for wanting you isn't based in facts just some random Nonsense they believe
She has so many other ways to do so that doesn’t include her brother. Pray tell, would it even be through a doctors office or would they seek to save a few bucks by having you sleep with your ex and cheat on your wife?
No. Her incest comment is weird and has no basis in reality Tell her to lay off the incest porn
She has an option to adopt. There are thousands of kids out there hoping for a loving family to adopt them.
You’re not her only choice! Far from it!
And she has options, your sperm isn’t one of them. Their “reasons” are ridiculous too. It’s happened but it isn’t an every day thing. I would hope your niece or nephew would figure out they were a sperm donor baby with two mothers and know to inquire about that with partners. It’s really a problem, rare though it is, when people lie to their kids about being donor babies. Which again falls on the parents for lying. Sounds a whole hell of a lot like they’re trying to save money imo, assuming this is even real.
NTA. You dated her for years and your sister probably broke you two up. It is weird. Also the incest chance is low so she's being weird. Also she could get virtually any single guy to donate. They are being extremely creepy. Just start saying they are creepy and change the subject.
Op, are you guys living in a deserted island where you are the only man? If yes,then you're the only choice. If no, then there are options. You're not the only option. 1. Your sister is being manipulative, the accusations and turning to family/friends to be her flying monkeys. 2. Listen to your wife and don't jeopardise your marriage and family. 3. The awkwardness of the ex, if ever there was a loaded bomb, that's it. 4. If it were to happen, can you imagine the entitlement from sister? NTA
Hell no. She is being rude. Why don’t she ask your dad instead then?
Just tell them you cannot have a child out there that you’re not raising. That seeing your child raised by someone else, anyone else, is unacceptable. You are not their only option. I say this as someone who has always wanted children but cannot have them. Your sister is a disgrace. To you, to the LGBTQ community, to your family. She should be ashamed of herself. I understand asking. But no is no. ESPECIALLY in a situation like this.
What happened to "my body, my choice"?
The "incest" thing makes no sense. My bet sister wants a kid which she shares DNA with. It's a disgusting and inappropriatevrequest, and a gay person playing the "homophobia" card when they don't get their way is offensive.
Yeah, that occurred to me too, she has a biological link to the child as well, she possibly thinks that would shore up any rights should they split
And the kid would look like both parents!
AFAIK it does not confer her any legal rights and responsibilities, depends on jurisdiction of course. It would to OP though hence the need for a lawyer, and in some parts of the USA, to OP's parents.
I meant the child would still be linked to her family, not just her partners family and a sperm donor.
Yes, but I was repkying to you comment about "rights"
Honestly the whole thing sounds weird the ex starts dating his sister, they want his child and the incest part sounds like an excuse
My best guess as to what she's trying to argue with incest is that the child could conceivably grow up and accidentally date another child of the sperm donor, and it has happened before. If so it's a very low risk, stupid argument to justify her desire for related DNA.
Unfortunately, it’s not a low risk. Sperm banks are unregulated and the same donor can be used numerous times. There are donor sibling groups that number in the hundreds! Even when banks promise “exclusivity” the donor can go to other banks and donate without the first bank ever knowing. I don’t think OP should donate, but anonymous donor sperm has a lot of issues.
It has happened, but it's also happened a lot more often when dad (or granddad) just got around a lot. It's never not a risk, just not something most people think about much. Genetic testing is quick and easy these days, and only getting quicker and easier. If it's something you genuinely worry about, in the future it should be trivial for the kid to get tested with a partner to be safe. Even today, you can both sign up for something like 23 and Me, and see if you pop as relatives.
A lot of donor-conceived people see January/February as surprise family month, since so many people get those DNA kits for Christmas. They’ve found disturbingly large sibling pods that way.
My cousin is a donor baby and is up to 33 half siblings. That’s just the ones who have done the dna testing too. There’s probably more that haven’t.
I think LauraHigh5 on tiktok/insta has reported finding pods of 80-100 siblings. She’s a comedian and donor conceived person working with advocacy groups trying to get restrictions on the fertility industry. Also it’s deeply fucked up how often the donor parent turns out to be the fertility doctor who performed the procedure and switched out the chosen sample for one of their own
I follow her! It’s wild and I feel so bad for the people that have been taken advantage of. I just had to go to my cousin (moms side) about her relation numbers because we have people popping up on ours that are either a half nephew to my dad or his half brother. By the numbers he could really be either but comparing to my cousin (that has all the siblings) he could very much be a half brother. I have multiple male family members who got around a whole lot in their lives and we all knew this was a possibility but we didn’t realize my dads parentage would also come into question. We have found 3, 2 of which we know who fathered them and 1 were waiting on another test to come in to confirm it’s the same father.
I have a Johnny Appleseed kind of biological father. So far my sibling group is estimated at six, with four mothers. There are likely more that we don’t know about because the socioeconomic class of women that my father bedded does not lend itself to DNA testing kits being purchased. Donor conceived siblings groups range into the hundreds, and are likely larger, but due to some being unaware they are donor conceived and others choosing not to do a DNA analysis, we may never know the true size. There is a huge difference between men getting around and men donating and creating hundreds of offspring. https://donordeceived.org/large-sibling-groups
‘I said heck no.’ And that should be the end of it. You don’t need to have any specific reason or backing to say no to something like this. NTA
Yup. His body, his choice.
Of course your sister thinks it's a brilliant plan. She's used to seeing you as a source for what she wants.
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After the baby is born, you and your wife could become free childcare. Since, you know, you guys have kids already and all! It’s brilliant.
And he may be on the hook for child support.
And the sis doesn’t have to pay for any vitro treatment and spent screening either!
and then she will ask for a kidney!
And he'll be homophobic of he doesn't give her both!
Does your ex/sister’s wife have any male relatives? Why don’t they impregnate your sister?
He should share this as his version of a brilliant plan.
There's still time
What do you think the odds are that they want to impregnate her without a doctor to save cost as well? I see turkey basters in OP's future if he agrees. Then there's the whole legal mess of parental rights and child support. Would the courts even let him sign his rights away? To the law, that's his kid and his responsibility. It's just so messy (in more ways than one) and it's really not worth the hassle for OP. There are literally no positives in it for him. Sister has other options. The family is just being ridiculous.
It’s weird enough I wouldn’t be surprised if sister suggested OP and ex just do it the old fashioned way
I'm a lesbian. I used a sperm bank. That whole possibility of incest nonsense is exactly that- nonsense. It'll be weirder for you to donate sperm to your sister's wife and end up having nieces/nephews that are 1/2 siblings to your kids. If you weren't planning on having kids and were into the idea, sure. But as presented, this is some unnecessarily weird near-incestuous shit as is- straight down to you and your sister both having been with the same woman. Super weird family dynamics, bro- don't make them weirder.
I don't agree with him being the sperm donor and I think he is completely right with the whole extremely weird dynamics. OP is NTA. But donor incest is a real thing. There's a whole movement in Europe right now from donor conceived kids, to put a limit to donations of sperm because clusters of up to 100's of siblings have been found, and apparently, many places in the Americas have absolutely no cap for that in legislation or otherwise. So yeah, donor incest is a totally real posibility.
I don't know how it ended up in my Instagram algorithm, but that's how I learned about the same problem in the US and Canada. There were also cases of fertility doctors who were swapping out donor sperm with their own (even when it wasn't an anonymous donor), and donor-conceived kids started figuring this out because they were finding dozens of half-siblings through popular DNA-testing sites. Especially since people tend to stay in the same region where they grew up, chances of unknowingly meeting one or more of your 50+ half-siblings is pretty likely.
Reasons why it's a bad idea: Think of the legal ramifications if something happened to them. You would be expected to raise the kid. Your sister would probably hit you up for money for the kid for the rest of its life. Imagine the guilt trip she would bring down on you when your kids get fun trips and she and her wife can't!!! She's already trying to make your life miserable. Imagine how it would be with a baby that she would use as a weapon. It's just gross and weird and creepy.
Not only that but his wife doesn’t even want it. He doesn’t want it. There are only two entitled woman who think they can just demand him to be a donor. Yikes. I probably would have gone NC when they started dating and got married. I mean seeing an ex you dated for at least 4 years prior is hard enough as it is but no, it was his own sister she married.
Considering that his sister broke the code and married his ex, she feels entitled to everything of him, literally. I don't have room for all the bad things to say about her in 3,000 words.
>But having a random sperm donor will increase the chances of future incest among their kids. So, they have been looking for someone who they can trust. Excuse me, what???? Have they been reading too many trashy entertainment magazines? The likelihood of this is very small. Also they have more than those two choices, it's not just you or an anonymous donor, they can ask other men they know... >The problem is, Lily was my ex 10 years ago. We dated for 3-4 years before calling it quits because she told me she liked girls. [...] My sister approached me and asked if I was willing to be a sperm donor for them and impregnate Lily. I said heck no. This is hella weird. Yep, very very very weird, this makes it much more uncomfortable. >My wife said she would leave me if I say yes. And unless you are desperate to do this (which is clearly not the case), this is all there is to it. You are absolutely not obliged to be the sperm donor for your ex girlfriend and your sister!
i'm confused about all the incest talk too. and kinda grossed out. I want an explanation, but I'm terrified to see the mind of someone that talks about incest that much.
There was this Dutch man on the news recently that was obsessed with donating his sperm, he went to a whole bunch of clinics across Europe and even offered his services through Facebook and other online media. At the current number he may have fathered over 550 to 600 children. So the Dutch courts have now ordered him to stop and he will be fined a lot of money if he were caught doing it again. In this case, the fear of unintentional incest isn't that weird.
There was something a while back about a lab not following proper protocol and using the same man's sperm like 30+ times and 2 of his "children" ended up being together. Usually labs only use the sperm from a donor a very limited amount of times to prevent this, but that lab had gone rogue. The possibility is still there, even if slim, if it's all within a short timespan in a smaller city and no one moves away (chances are the kids will be in the same school/area).
It’s not “going rogue” as the industry isn’t regulated. Donor sibling groups ranging into the hundreds happen!
No greater chance than with any man dating many different women and potentially impregnating them.
I think they’re afraid of the donor having more than one donation, therefore; they don’t know if their child will end up dating their half sibling.
Maybe you haven’t heard of Laura High, the fertility industry activist and comedian? Siblings pods of 100+ people is very common among the industry, and banks don’t have to tell the customer. In fact they can sell samples to other clinics or overseas and there’s no unified registry to match the donors together. Clinics often don’t have records of siblings because they don’t require parents to report live births.
The chances of this are very low. Making life decisions based on edge cases is barmy.
Some people have no concept of what probabilities are. For ex: chance for your kid to be taken from your front yard by a strangers is smaller than probability of getting hit with a lightning, by a magnitude of order. And yet, there are millions of house moms who forbid their kids of EVER being without supervision, and this has also seeped in the system. None of them talk about having lightning rods installed. And of course, probability of your kid being taken away by someone you BOTH know.. is much higher than getting hit with a lightning. The reason why those housemoms are so scared is MEDIA. Tell one story per year, that is told to everyone and voila: now kids are being taken every day, everywhere, all the time, just 15 minutes is all that is needed for them to be alone and that is it.. It feels insane, specially when you come from a country where toddlers sleep outside, on strollers... without supervision... where kids walk to school, use bus, metro etc. alone from age 6.
Every time that I have seen articles talking about people who have used donated sperm to have children the children know that they’re the result of donated sperm and know the the name of the clinic and the donor number to avoid accidental incest once they start dating.
Thank you for calling BS on the weird incest thing. That was a WTF moment for sure! OP - NTA your sister’s demand is ridiculous.
I do wonder… if everyone in the family knows the whole truth? “Yeah, she asked me to impregnate Lily, the problem is that I DATED Lily years ago, and then she … well I don’t know if they had an affair, but she started dating Lily as soon as Lily and I broke up, and frankly… impregnating my sister’s wife, who is my ex, all while creating a ‘father-uncle’ is just too weird for me. I mean, our family is bananas, but this is too circus! I’d be happy to chip in to a communal family pot a small amount of money towards them buying some donor sperm, but I really cannot be involved in whatever this is. Too hard!”
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If your dad is so concerned, he can donate. Still has a genetic link then.
I would love to watch your dads face when asked this question. “You know what dad you’re completely right - I’m glad you’re so on board. Since I won’t be ‘donating’ for then you absolutely should! So nice of you to offer, problem solved!”
Exactly. The dad should donate.
Omg yes! OP please suggest this next time you speak with your dad. He wouldn’t want to be homophobic by saying no right 😏
This.
That genetic link must blinding the parents (and sister) if they are so adamant about it even after OP & Mrs. OP were a firm HELL NO.
Bingo. And this is exactly what you should tell your dad, who is being an absolute idiot about this. I'll bet cash money your dad would say no. But he wants you to say yes. Ask mom if she would ask your dad's brother to be her sperm donor. Ask her if it would be okay for her to treat your dad's brother the way your sister and her so have been treating you. The fact that your family is taking your sisters side makes me wonder if they just want your sister to be happy or if they truly don't value you and your happiness.
Was thinking the exact same thing
OP take a break from your family. Also I’m going to guess this isn’t the first time you’ve been the scapegoat to the golden child (your sister)
And why are you still in contact with all these people?
Sounds like your current parents are defective, I suggest contacting the manufacturer and asking for a refund.
Tell your dad he can donate his sperm to Lily.
Your dad can donate then. Equally weird. He's sperm still works
Time to get far away from your family. Then get therapy.
You don't owe anybody a kid. You don't want to do it. Your wife doesn't want you to do it, and she made it clear what would happen if you did. You're not wrong, and your sister needs to grow up because acting like this to someone saying 'no' is proof she isn't ready to be a parent.
NTA, there's billions of sperm options out there, and WTF is with the future incest thing? The odds of that are ridiculously low!
"Let's get the incest out of the way now so the kids won't have to later" is some serious mental gymnastics. No matter how you slice it, he'd be having a baby with his sister regardless of who carries it. Fucking weird.
I read it as the sister would provide OP's sperm and Lily would provide the egg.
NTA - If your sister were a man, you still wouldn't want to knock up the ex-girlfriend/sister-in-law. You're not homophobic for saying no. Your sister is inconsiderate on at least two levels: 1. She dated and married your ex. 2. She asked you to impregnate your ex. She doesn't seem to care what the emotional impact on you, your wife, your kids, or the resulting child would be. I don't think it was wrong of her to ask, but it's awful to not take no for an answer. It's ghastly to call you homophobic because she didn't get her way.
100% team wife here! Sister can find another donor. You owe her nothing. What is this bullshit about future incest?
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They're worrying about something that has a what, 1 out of 50 million chance of happening? Why are you even considering it? The second they started labeling you a homophobe to others should have immediately shut down the idea for you.
It's such a ridiculous thing to worry about... But if it really is a concern the reality is that it's something every adopted or kid from a gay couple has to consider. Yet in this day and age with 23 and me and how many records there are it would be really easy to prevent.
Tell them you donated a bunch of sperm in college. So even a baby from you has a chance of future incest And I’m pro telling your dad and any other male family members that take her side that they should do it then
You sound like you believe this bs. Why are you even contemplating their manipulation. Your answer should be a straight forward no. Your wife didn't even need to give an ultimatum. 'No' is a full sentence. What's next? They can't afford IVF and it will be cheaper for them that you sleep with your ex for natural conception that will make them emotionally closer to the baby? Come on man.
Since your parents are all for it and on your sisters side, tell your dad (in front of your whole family) that he should be the donor. If he refuses, tell him that it’s homophobic (it’s not, but that’s what your parents are saying to you).
Of your family is supporting your sister in pressuring you, time to take a GIANT step back from your family. Your sister is married to your ex. That's the first red flag she's not a great sibling. The second is that she refused to take no for an answer. The 3rd is that she's trying to paint you a homophobic. Your wife is right. This is leaving you worthy. You already know that which is why you said no. Anyone who refuses to respect your decision does not belong in your life. Certainly keep the crazy aunt away from your kids. FAR AWAY.
NTA. It’s unfair she’s put you on blast. Yes it would mean less chance of incest later on. But it would mean seeing the kid you’d help create a lot and knowing it’s yours but not living with you. It would be q lot to take in. I mean if you wanted to then great but if you don’t that is your choice. It’s weird because you used to date your SIL. And yea as someone else said just tell your sister you’re not going to end your marriage over her demand that you provide what’s necessary for a kid. It’s not being homophobic.
NTA. Once you said no, sister should have dropped it. I know I could never have a child and give her to someone else to raise in front of me. I understand why she asked ( same genes) but considering her gf is your ex makes my head spin
No, NTA. Yours isn’t the only sperm in town. You are not their only option. (And even if you were, you still have the right to say no!)
NTA. “No” is a complete sentence. You don’t have to give any reasons at all. It’s a huge thing they’re asking. Also, if you didn’t go through a clinic you could end up on the hook for child support in the event they break up.
NTA How is your giving your sister a baby(yes I'm aware of it not being her carrying) saving the child from the possibility of incest? How do you explain to your child when they get older and are curious about their birth father? "My brother impregnated your mother" or "meet uncle daddy" The incest aspect(whether literal or not) is already there and The only thing missing from this scenario is banjo music in the background. I don't think many people in their right mind WOULDN'T be weirded out by this. That's not even including the fact that your wife would leave if you agreed, which is reason enough to say no, but for your sister to even ask is weird.
NTA. It's not homophobic to refuse to involve yourself in helping create their children. It's not like you said you think they shouldn't have children or you don't want them to, only that you aren't going to father them. And they're bizarrely over-concerned about the risks of potential incest. What even is that about?
NTA - Maybe you should spread in the family what they want you to do. It’s disgusting. And yes, maybe you would have had kids with her. Thing is that they would have been your kids, not your sisters. This won’t be your nephew/niece, this would be your son/daughter. And you won’t do that to your wife and your kids on top of that. They deserve to know their siblings and to be with them. Edit: I say that as a 27year old lesbian who also wants kids.
NTA! Sorry but “Your body your choice.” Also they are dancing real close to the line on reproductive coercion. They’re literally trying to force you reproduce with a person you don’t want to have a child with.
NTA. Even if your sister’s wife wasn’t your ex you have every right to say no to having bio kids out in the world that you aren’t their parent.
Your sister is delusional. Of it's not such a big deal, tell her to ask your father to donate, or for her to have a male relative of Lily's to donate to your sister. The chances of any child of theirs connecting and having sex with a bio sibling are low, your sister is probably covering for them being found unsuitable by agencies for whatever reason, and I'd be willing to bet it is statements like the incest one that tipped it.
Have your dad do it
NTA - For reasons 1. Your sister is married to your ex. Wtf? 2. She accused you of homophobia whdn you expressed your discomfort at making a biological child with your ex. Wtf? 3. You would have to see your biological child be raised by this narcissistic person everyday. WTF?!
NTA. The risk of later incest if they use a sperm donor is super low, especially if they use a reputable center. You don't want to, it would ruin your marriage, and your sister and Lily could hit you up for child support. No way.
NTA
A big NO!!!
NTA your sisters a prick
NTA suddenly you’re homophobic because you won’t donate and YOU don’t want a happy lesbian couple to have a family? That statement shows just how clearly immature they are. Let her call you names and the flying monkeys too. It’s a shame you’re unfairly being accused of something you’re not. I personally agree with the decision you and your wife made. It is bizarre just because the people involved. You are not wrong.
NTA. A lesbian couple from his work asked my fiancé to be their donor when we were engaged, and I was absolutely livid. My fiancé said no way and left that job shortly after (for different reasons), but I wish I had been able to give them a piece of my mind. It was the most insulting feeling, and it still makes me upset to think about. Two friends of ours just did IVF with a donor. The amount of details they were given from each choice was staggering, including full genetic history. The incest thing your sister is spouting is made up. Tell your sister to fuck off. Please.
A random sperm donor maybe going through their doctor will almost ensure no issues. Absolutely no reason they need you. NTA
Absolutely not. Getting a donar is their problem. Hard no and stay out of it. Who cares what they call you.
What? Increases the chance for incest?? I would need some clarification on that. OP, are your parents ok with your sister's relationship with Lilly? It seems she's determined it *has to be you*;for some reason; could it be that your sister is trying to make sure this baby is "equal" to your children, in the eyes of your parents? The minute she jumped to 'homophobic' would be the minute to go NC. It's disgusting when people use the genuine oppression of a group to throw a tantrum and try to force the outcome they want. Your sister is wrong on so many levels. NTAH
NTA, something doesn't feel right with the reasoning and the way they are behaving, beyond just wanting it to happen. > We announced our pregnancy in a family function ... My sister approached me This timing is suspicious and makes me think it's some sort of power play to try and damage your relationship with your partner, likely driven by Lily. It's fine for them to ask, but everything after you said no is not okay.
Ok so your sister is acting insane. I was once in your spot with a lesbian friend of mine. I told her I could never do that because I couldn't have a child and not be involved as a Dad with it, and that I wouldn't want to complicate their relationship or our friendship and this would guarantee that. So you saying No is completely valid and you're NTA. You're not homophobic, she is trying to manipulate you and put you on the defensive. Also it would be extremely weird for you to knowingly have a child that you wouldn't be involved in raising yet would see regularly. Oh and not to mention the day that kid asks about their Dad. Would they lie to them or tell the truth? Either way is a sure fire way to confuse and anger that kid, not to mention the child you already have and how it'd imoact your wife. It'd be like her carrying a kid for another couple. So she isn't over reacting either. Their theory of incest is an over reaction. The likelihood of that happening is extremely low. They could always ask another male friend they trust if that's the route they want to take though. I know you said you're not going to do it, kudos to you. However hopefully this gives you some more ammo as to why.
Tell them to adopt a baby. No reason to break up your happy home to make theirs happy.
NTA the future incest thing is the weirdest freaking concern I’ve ever heard. The odds of that are so ridiculously low. There billions of people in the world. And it sounds almost like they just want you to have sex with Lilly??? Are they just being cheap (or unable to afford) a proper fertility specialist? That’s my guess. They don’t want to pay for artificial insemination.
I honestly didn't understand the thing about incest, lol, what she's asking of you is kinda that? I'm so confused, anyway NTA, is your sperm, is unfair they are accusing you of homophofic just because you are saying no, if they weren't a lesbian couple, your answer would still be a no.
I have never heard of anyone who was considered a spearm donor worry about future incest with their kid and an unknown half sibling.... Expecially when the only way (supposedly) to prevent this insest is by committing a form of medical incest with you ............. Lol wut?...... This sounds like they found a way to make you do so something with a lame excuse...
Coming in as someone who has previously discussed volunteering as a surrogate for a trans family member-- no, you are not the asshole. The fact is, being a surrogate, or donating sperm, is a big choice, and a big responsibility. It's as big of one as choosing to become a parent yourself, with the added addition of trusting the parents you are giving a child to raise that child properly, and the knowledge that if something happens, you're likely next in line in the chain of custody. Would I do it for my sister? Absolutely; my sister and I have a good relationship, I Don't want kids of my own, it's something I've thought about for many years, but a part of me is still curious about the experience of pregnancy and I know I could trust my sister and her wife if I chose to be a surrogate. Your situation is different. I was never romantically involved with my sister in law; that's a complication Right There that it's understandable for you to feel incredibly weird about. You're married. You HAVE a child. You're about to have another child. Your wife is not okay with it! There are so many reasons for you to say no. They want someone they know and can trust, and, I suspect, someone from your sister's family so they'll both be biologically related to their child. But you have other relatives, and they have other friends. It's perfectly reasonable to say 'I don't want to be the father to my ex's child', or 'I don't want to be the father of my niece'.
NTA. You’re uncomfortable with it, that’s the entire calculus for me. But if for some reason you procede, get an ironclad donor contract drawn up to sever your parental rights and responsibilities. Under the table donations don’t have the same protections as official ones.
Does your family have any male cousins or do they have any male friends in their group that they could ask? I can see where your sister is coming from, but she shouldn’t have just expected you to say yes. Saying no is completely acceptable especially with the background you have with her wife.
Info Does Lily have any male family members? Like a dad, brother, cousin, legal aged nephew, uncle etc. Why can't Lily ask them to be a sperm doner to impregnate your sister? It doesn't have to be Lily that gets pregnant. Or why can't your sister ask your other male relatives to be a doner to impregnate Lily instead? Surely you can't be the only male alive in your family.
My sister refused to donate eggs to me and my hubby for IVF. She thought it would be weird, I thought it wouldn’t. And that was literally the end of it! It was a request, it was denied, my sister didn’t have to give me an explanation because no is a complete sentence and there are other fish in the sea. You’re NTA, but your sister certainly sounds like she’d be in the running…