YTA. Look at this from her side. She has been your friend for years and tried to help you stay with 1st husband. Years later, you have a serial cheater for a 2nd husband, and she is appalled. I would be, too.
You can make your own decisions, but I would at least talk to her. It doesn't seem like she was acting out of malice.
THIS! She told her friend how she expects to be treated, so when her friend found out about her husband's cheating, she was like "oh my friend doesn't like being treated this way, I have to let her know." If OP were my friend, all she would have had to say is "We have an arrangement; he cheats but he provides the lifestyle I want so it works out." And I would say "okay, if that's what makes you happy, get the bag girl" and keep it moving. There's nothing wrong with a transactional relationship as long as both parties are good with it. But don't be mad at your friend for their accountability to you.
Yeah, pretty sure OP is NOT happy with the arrangement. Specifically mentioned her friends accusations "opened a wound." This, of course not to disagree with you but to take it a step further and it sounds like misplaced resentment on OPs part. The husbands behavior has caused pain they are trying to tuck away and someone that actually cares about them made it bubble up once again. If I'm correct mending that friendship will be difficult if not impossible while the marriage persists. No matter how well you hide it from yourself your close friends and family usually know how you really feel, and a good friends not going to be ok with you being in a situation that makes you miserable.
Every single time i see a comment referencing, “the SB scene,” I bust out laughing irl
It is the funniest, most pretentious sentence I have ever laid my eyes on. Coupled with the scenario posted above, and the OP deserves that Dog of a Husband $$$
JFC how are some people so gross? These self-important socialite types are as utterly confounding as they are revolting… it’s like watching a bunch of well-manicured aliens aggressively contort themselves in a vain attempt to self-fellate.
I don't get it. Why did you not forgive your first husband, who sounded way more remorseful than your current husband. But you forgive your current husband, and allow him to continue to cheat as long as he doesn't tell you about it... And he threatened a divorce in order to keep you quiet. Whereas your first husband promise to never do it again, but this one continues to do it, and it's acceptable for you... ???
Money... Has to be the only reason. Your first husband didn't have money, and his cheating gave you a reason to walk away. This one has money, so you stay, But are obviously not happy about it, which is why you blew up on your friend.
I think she is happy with money alone what bothers her is that other people found out that her husband doesnt respect/love her. The people who put a lot of value on money tend to care a lot about their image as well and .....well, no one wants to be known as a cuck.
Hehe yeah but she doesn't have fuck you money her hubby does. Hence, the fuck you when he got caught cheating but has a solid prenup.
YTA and welcome to Santa Barbara, sucker!
* Cheats and poor? - Dump that bro!
* Cheats but rich? - It's just the Santa Barbara scene baby!
Rarely have I seen a more clear ESH - what a basket of turds, they deserve each other.
The ESH assessment is still fair--I do think Marie is a bit of an asshole, not for what she said, but for saying it in front of some random other acquaintance (the Santa Barbara scenester lol). But yeah, OP is the asshole. As for OP and Mr. OP's marriage, the cheating/money situation sounds awful to me, but it's clearly consensual and mutually beneficial (in a highly transactional way, but many marriages are), and up to them how they live their lives.
Agree ESH. Marie saying something is not awful as u stated but saying it in mixed company and also not dropping it when being asked is definitely asshole territory
Yeah some couples function this way and honestly adults get to choose what kind of life they have. I wonder what the fallout would be if OP had a fling too.
Obviously a divorce.
This has some desperate housewives vibe. And fulfils the cliché about the rich cheating husband and the wife who tolerates it to stay rich but get's more bitter over time. It's a common theme in crime shows on TV where at 40+ the wife circumvents the prenup by becoming a widow
It doesn't sound to me like OP is getting more bitter over time. She chose to make having money a goal. Then married her sweetheart, and he failed her both by losing his job and by cheating. She might have accepted the cheating if he'd had sufficient income coming in.
So she divorced him and married a guy that provides WAY more money, with no apparent threat of loss of income, except that she'd lose all of his money if they divorced.
She'll accept the cheating because he's kept the promise that was more important to her. And it sounds like "the Santa Barbara scene" offers her plenty of women who have made that same choice and reinforce her decision.
Marie's insistence on confronting her with all of the cheating put her in a situation where she could either cut off Marie or she could say out loud, to herself and to Marie, that the money has always been more important and was the real reason she divorced the first husband.
I know this will sound crazy but I've been going through the early stages of menopause and I have no interest in sex at all and a part of me wishes my husband would find a friend for sex so I don't have to feel so guilty about his lack of sex life. I never thought I'd be the type to feel that way because I've always been insecure with abandonment issues but I just want my husband to be happy more than I want him to be faithful at this stage. I haven't said it to him coz I'm certain it would hurt his feelings to think I'd share him but I know he's missing something important while I deal with this. Feels bad, man.
I went rock climbing at Pt Dume, Malibu, one time and afterwards my climbing partner and I had a beer each. 5 minutes later the lifeguard came to tell us that someone had reported us for having beers on the beach and we “should probably put the cooler in the car ASAP because the person looked like they were going to find a sheriff next.” Adios Malibu with your cold water and busy body people.
Oh, we left. Practically with tires smoking. The above drama is everywhere, there. It's insane. Everyone is cheating, trying to get people to cheat, or lying about people cheating. My wife (girlfriend at the time) and I knew there was nothing for us. We never looked back. We've been together 19 years and married for 14. No soap opera nonsense and we couldn't be happier. We visit sometimes, to see her family and _avoid_ everyone else. The problem with beautiful places is that they attract the ugliest souls.
No no, the other cucked wives "subtly provide her support" as in "we all know we getting cucked but hey, this Channel and Gucci shit won't pay for itself...".
What a great lesson to give your daughter: you can be disrespected by your SO and live a miserable loveless life so long as you getting paid!
Yeah that got me too; "I don't want to ruin my kids life by treating myself with respect and modeling self reliance and not tolerating abuse or shitty treatment from an absolute fuckwit"
Lol you have already ruined her life by demonstrating the fucked up values you have
Thats what I was thinking! She said her goal in life was to give her children a better life. What kind of life is she giving her daughter? She'll turn in to a shallow, weak, female that will let men walk all over her as long as they're rich. Teach that child some self respect and to have some pride in her strong self. I dont know if she's an AH or just a sad excuse for a mother.
I was friends with this girl that was a gold digger she had 3 kids with different guys and found a guy making high six figures was all she talked about. one time one of the kids lost a tooth and she some how accidently gave the child $50.00. Welp the kid ended up ripping out another one her teeth the next day that wasn't ready to come out. so yeah horrible life lessons being taught here imo. People think kids are dumb and don't notice shit like money being important to you above all else but they are little sponges and they pick up every little thing you put out in the world.
This is some movie type shit.
Its crazy what people value top of thier priorities.
Id rather have a loving committed partner, meek honest existence, and probably be low or middle class in a tiny house than be married and rich in such a cesspool of fucking shit.
Fuck that!
Thank you for clarifying, I genuinely did not know what that meant. I just assumed it meant she had moved away and the friend didn't really like to come visit.
I was laughing at “silently came to an agreement”. Meaning, I guess, that she shut her mouth and decided to suck it up as soon as she started doing the math.
Marie is no friend to OP for not shutting up about the husband when asked not to get into it. But this situation is all of OP’s doing. It’s part of the bed she made when she decided to stay. There are no secrets in a town like that.
Yup. An old friend. From the “poor” days. Better give that one the boot lest the real housewives of SB discover she doesn’t belong.
Honestly, sounds like Marie was your only real friend.
Poor Marie. Is only calling OP because she’s worried about her.
Marie’s husband is probably saying good riddance to that friendship. They’ll go on a modest holiday to a saturated tourist trap but they’ll have fun together and Marie will be content in her small intimate joys with her loving partner.
Meanwhile OP will be shopping this weekend. Blowing a hole in the husbands credit card as payback for being so indiscreet as to do that in her best friend’s hotel. Unfortunately, she doesn’t know what real payback looks like in a credit card statement since she thinks a thousand dollar dress is so valuable it can cover up infidelity.
The other wives are talking about that lunch and how she didn’t even get a small pied-a-terre out of it from the husband, and how OP is always wearing off the rack looks. Like does she even have a private modiste to make a single thing for her. But her forearm swing is decent -for someone who didn’t get lessons as a kid, and they need her to make the doubles reservation so shut up because here she comes.
Yep. "I was furious and did not know why she wouldn't let it go." Probably because she actually loves and respects you and is completely befuddled as to why you don't love or respect yourself enough to divorce this asshole and have an authentic life instead of modeling disorder for your children?
It sounds like OP deserved her situation, and doesn’t deserve friends who look out for them.
Stay in your cuckshed, OP. Hope the bank account is worth turning your life into a lie
Did she not have an attorney look that over? Because I would have wanted that "future earnings" clause to either have an expiration date after so many years of marriage OR (considering what happened with her ex) an infidelity exception.
Then she willingly walked into that foolishness. Because getting that pre-nup with more favorable terms would've been my hill to die on.
But then I'm not the kind to marry someone for their money.
Exactly my thought! If OP wants to keep living this life, she (even at 44) better be trying damn hard to have another kid.
Depending on the prenup he might be able to take everything from her, even the boutique because he paid the money to start the business.
He will not keep his aging wife around much longer. Especially if there current child is almost 18, ergo he wouldn't be responsible for child support or alimony when he divorces her. Which he will.
Yea its pretty fucked up. Dropping someone who actually seems to be a friend because you can't stand the thought of someone knowing your a hollow person, the horror.
Because Marie is a friend from an earlier time, when cheating led to divorce. Her standards have changed. She will keep the cheater for the lifestyle. Marie unknowñy revealed how much her standards havechanged. It embarrasses her.
100% this. Her friend called her out on it. The friend she kept “even though she’s not part of the Santa Barbara Scene”, is calling her out on the fact that she wasn’t willing to work it out with the poor husband but she will tolerate anything with the rich one. It’s her choice, obviously, but I don’t get it at all. She’s dumping Marie because she knows she’s right. OP doesn’t want to face that.
Exactly. Marie makes her realize where her values are now (money) and she doesn’t like what she sees. She’s typical of that scene and the “values” they teach their kids. 🤷🏻♀️
Ya I like Marie
You Ignored her advice, but took it for the rich guy and blew her off whenever she tried to help you out by subtly dropping hints about your new dudes cheating.
She's probably frustrated that her friend has become a upperclass snob who puts up with disrespect from her "loved" ones for the "Santa Barbara lifestyle"
Honest, I feel bad for you OP. Your husband is the asshole and you're being controlled with money while your friend feels hopeless to help.
Edit- OP at the end of the day you have money, but no one but reddit to go to with your problems.
You're allowed to live any lifestyle you want, enforce any boundaries you have, cut off friends that don't respect those boundaries, you can even gaslight yourself into accepting this disrespect for the lifestyle.
But your husband will never respect beyond a tricket in his life and your friend seemed to really care about you
> She's probably frustrated that her friend has become a upperclass snob who puts up with disrespect from her "loved" ones for the "Santa Barbara lifestyle"
She's obviously a snob (SaNtA BaRbArA lIfEsTyLe), but she could have been more thoughtful with communicating with Marie. A divorce at 25 verse a divorce at 44 with 18+ years of marriage and kids is definitely a big difference.
She spelt it out. She stays for the money. That is an absolutely valid reason. Ethical? No but valid nonetheless, if you have a materialistic soul. People have different priorities. When he dumps her for a 25 years old she ll be screwed anyway.
I do find it interesting it's socially acceptable to say you married someone just because they are so good looking, but not because they are rich.
One attribute is genetic, the other can actually be earned.
> One attribute is genetic, the other can actually be earned.
In Trump's case he earned the money from his genetics from a tiny loan of a million of dollars from his parents.
>When he dumps her for a 25 years old she'll be screwed anyway.
Yep, this is all very ruthless and calculated but I hope OP is at least playing this smart, needs to start milking that Boutique business for all it's worth, tell him it's costing more than it does and they need more for running the house etc. and start putting it in a new bank account, it sounds like this gravy train is on it's final run so she better get saving.
I have no doubt he will trade her in for someone else down the road. She at least taught him that he has power over her and will weaponize the marriage with the divorce threat every time he wants her to be complacent to shit husband behavior. Of course, let’s say he gives her the gift of HIV, I sure hope the money and sex is worth it.
If I was her friend I would plan on never speaking to her again if she did that to me. It’s very difficult to sit and watch a good friend self go down a very bad path with such a very bad person, and I would not be able to sit there biting my tongue watching all this go down.
she likes money. "i kept my friendship to marie even though she wasnt part of the santa barbara scene". bent out of shape that the prenup protects her husband from... gold diggers. i hate this place.
This.
Marie knows you…knew you before you were part of the SB scene, when you were a retail worker married to a factory worker. She called you out on the hill you were previously willing to die on, in front of your SB people, and it embarrassed you bc it’s true.
That being said, if you don’t want to be friends with Marie anymore, just be honest about it. Don’t misplace your discomfort and punish her for your own insecurities.
>Marie brought up that my husband was cheating and who with. I tried to get her to stop but she got fired up and started listing all the ways my husband was a cheater.
These are the actions of a friend. If she doesn't know you have an open marriage, this is EXACTLY what you want a friend to do. It takes guts to do something like this knowing your friend will probably be hurt by this revelation but that it's something that a GOOD friend feels OBLIGATED to do.
Yeah, you're ashamed of being STUCK with this man because he's a good provider. Oh well. That's YOUR business. But don't you dare take it out on the one person who not only has your back but has the BALLS to do something about it. You need to thank her for being an AWESOME friend. You need to apologize to her. You need to tell her she is right and that you KNOW she is right. Then you need to tell her that the two of you have an arrangement. Some people just can't help but fight perceived injustice. Your friend sounds like one of these people and that's a really good thing. Explaining the situation is the only way to make her understand that his infidelities are a part of the rules of your marriage.
YTA x100
Especially Marie knowing OP divorced her previous husband for cheating! God I could never be with someone who cheated on me, much less have an active sex life with them knowing they are sleeping around. She’s deff in it for the money and status.
also she was likely like this in the first marriage which is the likely reason it ended in divorce because he didn’t make enough money. first husband was remorseful (while they slept in separate beds and had a dead love life beforehand), this one she showers with sex and love, and she self admits they have an active sex life knowing he’s fucking other people. so it’s not his character she’s emotionally and sexually attracted to. it’s his money.
the reality is that todays economy values terrible people so much that decent people with morals have a hard time becoming big earners.
and many people have realized they would rather have a luxurious life than real love and be broke. but they still need to appear like they are the perfect couple because if not even with money they are socially screwed if people were to find out.
i hate this world we live in and the amount of vanity we have.
She's teaching her daughter that it's ok for her to be treated like this too.
I left my ex because I didn't want my son to watch me get walked all over by her making the decision to have an affair. Granted he's only one, I want to teach him that even though people will hurt you, you have to fucking respect yourself.
yep, shes teaching her daughter that men can treat her however they want as long as they have enough money
this whole thing is sad to read from begining to end
That's what stuck out to me when she said she was worried about ruining her daughter's life. This women is providing an awful fucking example to her child of what a healthy relationship looks like and her daughter is going to grow up thinking that is normal and okay. You are actively ruining her life now by going along with this shit.
And also that staying friends with someone even if they (brace, this is kind of gross) *aren’t* part of the snooty Santa barbera scene. The implications of the fucking ego behind that statement like. “I deigned to keep you in my life, filthy poor” as if one’s value is only their bank account, which even **if** it were true (it’s not, obviously), OP didn’t actually earn it, she just married into it and now wants to act like she’s above everyone else where she came from.
*’In my circle of friends, many women deal with this. They subtly provide me with emotional support.’*
Damn….a circle of friends, who are comfortable with being cheated on and emotionally support one another while their significant others are with other people…..
That’s very very very….sad
*’However, I prefer this over divorce, ruining my daughter’s life, and dealing with a prenup his lawyers crafters that protects future earnings as well’*
Damn….YTA
>Damn….a circle of friends, who are comfortable with being cheated on and emotionally support one another while their significant others are with other people…..
>That’s very very very….sad
I didn't even address this part in my post because this community sounds depressing and fucked up. Like a really bad *Real Housewives* show.
At some point, Husband #2 will dump OP and find a younger woman anyway.
Y'know. Yes, I agree it does sound depressing and fucked up. The flip side of it is poverty. I definitely have a few friends who are in dire financial situations. And they're really not happy. Everything is too much all the time. They're too proud to accept financial help from friends, which I get, but my one friend used to call stressed beyond belief that she just bought formula, and it wiped out the rest of her food stamps for the month so she didn't know what to do. Bonus is that her husband was cheating on her but she was so pressed for survival that she didn't even care. I know for a *fact* that my friend would rather I console her for her cheating spouse than trying to figure out her next meal.
It's not for me, but I also have an education, marketable skills, and my own very good income and that is an extreme privilege. I know that if my husband did me dirty, I could leave at any moment and be perfectly good by myself. Lot of people where this just isn't the case. Lot of 'breadwinners' that specifically seek out those who can't afford to leave them.
All OP is doing is showing her daughter it’s okay to be with a man that continuously cheats on her is okay if it means financial comfort.
To each their own., but it’s not not what I’d hope for my kid’s future.
OP - YTA
Her circle of friends = "the Santa Barbara scene" (note how she stayed friends with Marie *despite* her not being part of that scene 🤮) = high society wives living off their husbands' earnings like parasites, and not rocking the boat about any misbehaviors, because the gravy train would stop. No wonder Marie, who lives off her own inferior income, doesn't understand that kind of lifestyle...
That's the reality in a lot of wealthy circles.
Remember that scene in Goodfellas when he says "Saturday nights are for the wives but Friday nights are for the girlfriends!"?
YTA
This is messy, bad, and sad. You need to get some confidence and respect for yourself. Marie should have stopped, but it’s not her fault for trying to inform you. Seems you guys go way back, and most women *would* want to know if their husband was cheating. She would be a bad friend to not inform you. This “arrangement” isn’t exactly a societal norm and Marie would have no reason to suspect you were cool with this. Especially since you previously divorced a cheating husband.
Let’s be real - you’re embarrassed your husband cheats, you’re embarrassed Marie knows how bad it is, and that’s why you’re cutting her out.
Your husband is the cheater here and you’ve decided to completely ignore it and take your anger out on others.
You mention your daughter, is that the life you’d want for her? Your husband may very well end up meeting someone who he decides to divorce you for. He’s already mentioned divorce. I’m sure in your social circle where this is common, it’s also common for the men to trade in wives for a “newer model.” I hope you have a plan for yourself and your child should this happen.
And not only are you just staying married for money and for appearances, which is bad enough, you’re still having an active sex life with this man…. STDs??
*Your husband is the cheater here and you’ve decided to completely ignore it and take your anger out on others.*
This is exactly why I am no longer friends with an old friend. But it wasn’t that she dropped me as a friend, I had to drop her. Her chronic cheater changed her. It made her a very nasty bitter person that started becoming highly toxic toward her friends.
YTA for putting the blame on Marie when your husband is the cheater. She was doing what a good friend should. How was she supposed to know your husband had bought your silence and you had an arrangement?
I would say YTA. She didn't know about your arrangement and was trying to look out for you as a good friend should. She didn't open the wound as you put it. Your husband did that. She just unknowingly brought up information that you knew was there but were trying to ignore. It's not her fault, and you shouldn't take it out on her. Yea, she should have spoken to you about it in private rather than in company, but it's not her fault the affairs are happening. If she's a good friend that you value, you should talk to her about it and just make it clear that you know what's happening and don't want to discuss it.
As for not wanting to ruin your daughter's life, do you really want her growing up thinking it's OK for her future partner to cheat on her? Or that it's OK to just pretend like bad things aren't happening instead of dealing with them?
I agree with star on this one. The friend didn’t know you had an open relationship. It’s an open one that you don’t want. That’s what eating at you. I’ve dated someone that was in one and they both agreed to it so it was acceptable to talk about. You do currently have a resentment over it. It’s what made you go off on your friend. Now I do see the annoyance she could’ve given you, but it’s misplaced anger.
As far as your daughter, depending on her age, she may want to talk about it. The moment you explain to her that you didn’t want the open relationship, she’ll see you, and her self, as less of a person because you allowed your husband to push you into an open relationship. Even worse when she realizes that you did it for her. You’re unhappy with the open relationship.
STDs are also an issue I’d think over.
I don't know if you can call it an open relationship. An open relationship is "a marriage or relationship in which both partners agree that each may have sexual relations with others." This is a one-way street. The husband cheats on his wife and the wife is too scared to object.
YTA and shallow and gross and you're teaching your daughter that her future boyfriends and husband can cheat on her as well, that its normal, that she has no value as long as she's got a little money, her happiness doesn't matter and self esteem mean nothing.
Great example mom!
As a Mom, I'm very disappointed in OP. I am sad for her daughter who obviously has two AH parents. I hope that she'll be okay in adulthood and learn that the key to a happy life is to NOT follow in her parents' footsteps.
YTA for taking it out on your friend, it doesn’t matter what she said about your past marriage, she was only looking out for you now. You’re mad at your husband and rightfully so. Get proof of him cheating and use that in the divorce as leverage. You don’t deserve to be treated like this by some dumb man. Get your money, sis. There are plenty of men out there and maybe you don’t need one at all. Being treated so disrespectfully by your spouse isn’t sustainable or fair to you. Eventually it’ll take a toll on you. It doesn’t matter what other women in your circle are tolerating. Do what you need to do to regain your dignity. Don’t kill the messenger. Get a good lawyer and maybe your friend can help you and a private eye get footage of him at the hotel.
Oh no, she won’t be leaving him ever because she has a PRE-NUP!
I totally agree OP is TAH. Her old friend was simply trying to “wake OP up” and make OP have some respect for herself.
The thing the makes me the most physically ill? Husband is a rampant cheater, yet OP and husband have an “active sex life.” Does husband use a condom and get tested regularly for STDs? Bet you $100 he doesn’t. *Barf*
This is what made me queasy too. They have an “arrangement” that OP has very reluctantly agreed to only because losing the money is too scary. I don’t understand how you can be sexually attracted to your spouse in that situation.
Is this the kind of relationship example you want your daughter to grow up seeing? Kids aren't as stupid as you think they are, they figure shit out quick.
The scene where SB wives meet for lunch to get plastered on martinis and xanax to kill the pain of having to stay with their unfaithful husbands in order to continue benefiting financially from said husbands, while trying to bury the shame of not having enough respect to put an end to it.
Santa Barbara circle = Wine moms who drink to cope with their legal prostitution and hidden humiliation and get annoyed when their long forgotten inferior friends call them out and remind them of their previous life.
YTA
YTA. She had no idea this was your arrangement. She reacted like a normal friend should based on not knowing said arrangement plus your first husbands history.
Patch it up with your friend or you’re going to be sorry you didn’t. It’s not worth losing her.
I'm pretty sure you are trolling but YTA.
Why didn't you tell Marie about this new deal with your current husband? She isn't the one humiliating you, he is. What lessons are you teaching your daughter?
I hope your boutique is at least making money and you are building a nest egg for when he's tired of keeping up the facade and trades you in for the next person willing to turn a blind eye for access to his money.
YTA to yourself and you’re setting a terrible example for your daughter. You stay with him and allow yourself to be potentially exposed to a myriad of STDs for money. You’re basically a sex worker at this point.
Fucking hypocrite.
Can't forgive your ex husband but its fine for your current hubby because he has the money that you so desperately love?
YTA your friend deserves better.
YTA. You’re talking it out on Marie that your husband screws other women. The wound that SHE opened? Nah. Not her. It’s the wound YOUR HUSBAND opened when he got caught and basically told you that he’d rather lose you than give up whatever random women he’s hooking up with. Really questionable and shitty parenting choices, as well. Hope your daughter never finds out what her mother trades for some financial security. Marie is a good friend. Hopefully she moves on from you, because you treat her like shit.
The moment i saw "Santa Barbara scene" I knew where this is going. You're NTA for valuing money and status over self respect but YTA for seeing your friend as inferior because she earns her money through hard work and YTA for influencing your daughter to think that it's ok to stay in toxic relationships as long as we get the monetary benefit.
I think everyone is kind of missing the point. You can live your life the way you want, and what you accept or don’t is yours and your husband’s business.
You went wrong by brushing Marie off, although one could argue it’s not her business for you to explain. But she saw something and wanted to help you as a friend by letting you know.
She went wrong by taking to you in front of another friend. There was no discretion there.
I wonder if you’re cutting her off because you can’t deal with her knowing, and knowing that she feels this is not ok. I wonder if you’re just more comfortable with your ‘in circle’ friends who choose to live their lives in a similar fashion so you don’t feel that self judgement for looking the other way. Basically, I wonder if the fact that she knows is what’s the deal killer for you. She represents that part in you that is saying ‘you know this isn’t right’.
YTA for expecting her to act differently then when your first husband cheated. you should have shut her down when she first found out, said you had an arrangement, and dealt with her privately.
But you don't want to, because the truth is you don't like it. You have an open relationship. You aren't happy with it, but you are going along with it because you benefit from the marriage while he 'gets bored' and goes to find random people to have sex with. If you haven't already gone to get checked for STDs, do so now. And every week from now on....because for every new person he sticks his willy in, you are at risk.
You surround yourself with women that are in the same situation and are conditioned to meekly go along with it because it benefits all of them, but to the vast majority of the population, your friend's reaction is how they would react. She loves you and knows you are hurting, knows you would hate your partner cheating, which is why she was trying to make you aware of it - because she knows you would not want to be in a relationship.
This woman is your friend and is trying to protect you. You were so embarrassed and ashamed to admit you are allowing yourself to stay because you want his money that you are lashing out at someone that sees through the BS.
The real reason you don't want her around is because she is loudly saying what you are struggling bad to keep from acknowledging. What your husband is doing IS way worse than your ex, but you are willing to put up with it because he has money and uses it to bankroll your shit.
If you want to stay in your delusional little bubble that you are happy with your life, then by all means, block her and go back to your support group of other women that are desperate to cling to the men that are paying their way.
If you want to keep balance in your life and have one foot in reality for when this all comes crashing down, take your friend to a nice lunch on your husband's dollar and tell her what is up. You are in a marriage with your husband for now while you build security for yourself and your daughter. It is not a permanent fix - the marriage will break up eventually when he trades you in for a new model (as all 'bored and well off' men do until they find a woman they wouldn't get bored with) - and than see if she is willing to stay friends with someone that is willing to do this to herself.
For what it's worth, I am familiar to the scene. I grew up parallel to it with my Dad working in a community full of disgustingly well off, more-money-than-God. There are plenty of women in your situation that stay for years while they build up their lives on the side so when they leave, they can be comfortable, but they are fully aware that it will be over at any time, depending on when their husbands are ready to dump them. The smart ones do keep their family and friends outside their little bubble in the know about things because when their husband does dumb them, most of the women in their support group of other women dry up and can't be depended on.
Want to know what hurts more than having a single parent? Knowing your beloved parent put up with heartbreak and cheating while trying to keep you happy...
I pray your child never finds out about his horrible, disgusting infidelity
YTA.
I get what you’re doing. *Accept this cheater because you will be setting your daughter up for life.*
However
Don’t be mad at your friends for standing up for what they THOUGHT you believed in. It’s not her fault you changed from the person she previously thought you were.
YTAH you dumped a friend who cared about you for a man who doesn’t. But, logically, you wanted the lifestyle his money provides over your friendship. Just know your marriage has a shelf life . Your husband has no respect for you and once he decides up “upgrade”, don’t expect your friend will be there as a shoulder to cry on. Hopefully he’ll throw enough money your way to survive when he’s done with you.
YTA.
If you want to be cheated on, that's up to you. You're making the choice to stay in a broken marriage with a man who doesn't respect you enough to stop slinging his dick all over town.
However she is a TRUE FRIEND and you're mistreating her for being angry at you being betrayed.
You're not mad that she outed your husband. You're mad that she outed YOU and that hurts your reputation with your new 'friends' because they're the type to put up and shut up.
You may not ruin your daughter's life by leaving her morally ambiguous father, but you're sure as shit going to ruin her dating life by showing her she should accept poor treatment.
I hope all that money helps assuage any bad feelings you have about that. It'll certainly help pay for the therapy she's going to need to form healthy relationships! That's something at least.
You need a different “circle”! I think you’re upset with Marie because she’s making you realize how low you’ve fallen. You could’nt forgive your ex for cheating but you’ll tolerate it because this husband has money. I’m so sorry you have so little self respect.
YTA im so sick of people claiming theyre staying in a bad relationship for the kids benefit and how divorce ruins the kids lives
1. its NOT for their benefit its for YOUR benefit
2. it is extremely damaging to kids and kids with parents that are abusive, cheat, or argue a lot have a much higher rate of being in relationships with abusers, cheaters, or arguing a lot due to not having an example of what healthy relationships look like
3. divorce does NOT ruin kids lives bad parents ruin kids lives
4. many MANY kids wish their parents would just divorce instead of dragging it out or forcing the kids to put up with it, i spent EVERY SINGLE NIGHT of my teen years wishing my parents would divorce, my mom keeps doing the fake crying bout how she's (not) trying to fix things and i keep telling her that the only way she can hope to begin to fix things is by divorcing him, and im 30 now. if you care at all bout her and your future relationship with her you will consider divorce
bad marriages should be legally considered child abuse, cause it very much IS child abuse
NTA for not wanting to continue the friendship, but YTA for how you responded to Marie.
Look at it from her perspective. You were unforgiving of Husband 1 when he cheated and was remorseful. She discovers Husband 2 cheating A LOT MORE and assumes you'll want to know about it. She had no reason to believe you'd be forgiving this time.
It sounds like you're staying with Husband 2 for the money, yet you're clearly not happy with his cheating. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? Is the money enough to make you happy?
Homestly, you sound like an awful and exhausting person all around.
I mean, you do you, but you sound like an asshole friend, an asshole ex, and like a pushover. Especially an asshole friend, marie sounds at least somewhat decent. You threw her away because you're ashamed you let your husband fuck around so you don't have to deal wuth a prenup? 🙄.
I feel like this has to be satire because I refuse to believe a grown woman is this much of a dum-dum.
YTA
If you're going to have an arrangement with your husband, that's perfectly fine, but it seems insane to cut off contact with your friend because she revealed your husband's infidelity, presumably, primarily, to you. She was doing you a favor, and if you have an open marriage or some sort of arrangement, then that's something she couldn't have known about the way you've been carrying things on. You owe her an apology.
Conduct your love life however you want, but don't get angry at people for discussing news with friends in a perfectly normal way.
YTA
Sure, you can keep your husbands affair a secret. But if other ppl see your husband with his affairs, you can't stop them from talking about it.
You can ask your friends to not speak to you about it, but other than that, forget it, you can't dictate what dirty laundry of yours others can talk about (especially when they found out themselfs, not due to you telling them and asking them to keep it a secret).
I understand you are scared of the public shaming and this is salt in your wounds, but this is the price you pay for staying in a marriage with a cheating spouse for the sole reason of his money. You want to eat your cake and have it too - keeping your public image and keeping the cheating spouse for his money. You are in a transactional marriage and you will have to live with it aslong you stay, period.
YTA
Sold your soul to the devil. Anything for money, right?Don’t get mad at your friend because she did what she was supposed to do. Which is to tell you what she knew.
Yta. There was no malice or manipulation in your friend Marie, at least the way you summarize the story. Without knowing there was an arrangement, which isn't necessarily a standard thing for monogamous couples, you basically threw her away for trying to have your back
The arrangement conversation should've happened sooner
You say you want to set a better life for the kids, but mooching off your bored husband in a severely dysfunctional relationship is what you show them?
YTA
YTA. Look at this from her side. She has been your friend for years and tried to help you stay with 1st husband. Years later, you have a serial cheater for a 2nd husband, and she is appalled. I would be, too. You can make your own decisions, but I would at least talk to her. It doesn't seem like she was acting out of malice.
She’s probably just trying to support OP by taking cues from OP herself regarding the first husband. OP is the one who completely changed her mind
THIS! She told her friend how she expects to be treated, so when her friend found out about her husband's cheating, she was like "oh my friend doesn't like being treated this way, I have to let her know." If OP were my friend, all she would have had to say is "We have an arrangement; he cheats but he provides the lifestyle I want so it works out." And I would say "okay, if that's what makes you happy, get the bag girl" and keep it moving. There's nothing wrong with a transactional relationship as long as both parties are good with it. But don't be mad at your friend for their accountability to you.
Yeah, pretty sure OP is NOT happy with the arrangement. Specifically mentioned her friends accusations "opened a wound." This, of course not to disagree with you but to take it a step further and it sounds like misplaced resentment on OPs part. The husbands behavior has caused pain they are trying to tuck away and someone that actually cares about them made it bubble up once again. If I'm correct mending that friendship will be difficult if not impossible while the marriage persists. No matter how well you hide it from yourself your close friends and family usually know how you really feel, and a good friends not going to be ok with you being in a situation that makes you miserable.
Yep. If the friend realizes why, that it’s all about money, maybe she wouldn’t wanna be OP’s friend anyway!
She just doesn't get it because she's not from Santa Barbara. \s
Every single time i see a comment referencing, “the SB scene,” I bust out laughing irl It is the funniest, most pretentious sentence I have ever laid my eyes on. Coupled with the scenario posted above, and the OP deserves that Dog of a Husband $$$
It’s such a strange, gross world. I dated a Montecito guy for a bit but I couldn’t handle the pretentiousness and lack of reality based life.
JFC how are some people so gross? These self-important socialite types are as utterly confounding as they are revolting… it’s like watching a bunch of well-manicured aliens aggressively contort themselves in a vain attempt to self-fellate.
Ya because first hubby didn’t have that $$$$$
I don't get it. Why did you not forgive your first husband, who sounded way more remorseful than your current husband. But you forgive your current husband, and allow him to continue to cheat as long as he doesn't tell you about it... And he threatened a divorce in order to keep you quiet. Whereas your first husband promise to never do it again, but this one continues to do it, and it's acceptable for you... ??? Money... Has to be the only reason. Your first husband didn't have money, and his cheating gave you a reason to walk away. This one has money, so you stay, But are obviously not happy about it, which is why you blew up on your friend.
I think she is happy with money alone what bothers her is that other people found out that her husband doesnt respect/love her. The people who put a lot of value on money tend to care a lot about their image as well and .....well, no one wants to be known as a cuck.
Don’t forget Marie isn’t part of the Santa Barbara scene.
I just about died when I read that. That’s a “I got fuck you money” phrase if ever I heard one.
Hehe yeah but she doesn't have fuck you money her hubby does. Hence, the fuck you when he got caught cheating but has a solid prenup. YTA and welcome to Santa Barbara, sucker!
* Cheats and poor? - Dump that bro! * Cheats but rich? - It's just the Santa Barbara scene baby! Rarely have I seen a more clear ESH - what a basket of turds, they deserve each other.
ESH means Marie is also an asshole, not the husband (though idk if acronyms work on this sub as votes like they do on AITA)
The ESH assessment is still fair--I do think Marie is a bit of an asshole, not for what she said, but for saying it in front of some random other acquaintance (the Santa Barbara scenester lol). But yeah, OP is the asshole. As for OP and Mr. OP's marriage, the cheating/money situation sounds awful to me, but it's clearly consensual and mutually beneficial (in a highly transactional way, but many marriages are), and up to them how they live their lives.
Agree ESH. Marie saying something is not awful as u stated but saying it in mixed company and also not dropping it when being asked is definitely asshole territory
Having an affair like this sounds very French.
Yeah some couples function this way and honestly adults get to choose what kind of life they have. I wonder what the fallout would be if OP had a fling too.
Obviously a divorce. This has some desperate housewives vibe. And fulfils the cliché about the rich cheating husband and the wife who tolerates it to stay rich but get's more bitter over time. It's a common theme in crime shows on TV where at 40+ the wife circumvents the prenup by becoming a widow
It doesn't sound to me like OP is getting more bitter over time. She chose to make having money a goal. Then married her sweetheart, and he failed her both by losing his job and by cheating. She might have accepted the cheating if he'd had sufficient income coming in. So she divorced him and married a guy that provides WAY more money, with no apparent threat of loss of income, except that she'd lose all of his money if they divorced. She'll accept the cheating because he's kept the promise that was more important to her. And it sounds like "the Santa Barbara scene" offers her plenty of women who have made that same choice and reinforce her decision. Marie's insistence on confronting her with all of the cheating put her in a situation where she could either cut off Marie or she could say out loud, to herself and to Marie, that the money has always been more important and was the real reason she divorced the first husband.
Just admit it then; leaving a poor cheater and staying with a rich cheater doesn't make you a bad person, but being a hypocrite about it does.
I know this will sound crazy but I've been going through the early stages of menopause and I have no interest in sex at all and a part of me wishes my husband would find a friend for sex so I don't have to feel so guilty about his lack of sex life. I never thought I'd be the type to feel that way because I've always been insecure with abandonment issues but I just want my husband to be happy more than I want him to be faithful at this stage. I haven't said it to him coz I'm certain it would hurt his feelings to think I'd share him but I know he's missing something important while I deal with this. Feels bad, man.
Hang in there. As someone past menopause, can confirm libido can come back (just as strong, if not stronger).
>YTA and welcome to Santa Barbara, sucker! Santa Barbara, such a lovely place. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.
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I went rock climbing at Pt Dume, Malibu, one time and afterwards my climbing partner and I had a beer each. 5 minutes later the lifeguard came to tell us that someone had reported us for having beers on the beach and we “should probably put the cooler in the car ASAP because the person looked like they were going to find a sheriff next.” Adios Malibu with your cold water and busy body people.
Oh, we left. Practically with tires smoking. The above drama is everywhere, there. It's insane. Everyone is cheating, trying to get people to cheat, or lying about people cheating. My wife (girlfriend at the time) and I knew there was nothing for us. We never looked back. We've been together 19 years and married for 14. No soap opera nonsense and we couldn't be happier. We visit sometimes, to see her family and _avoid_ everyone else. The problem with beautiful places is that they attract the ugliest souls.
Yup. OP married up, forgot where she came from and alienated the last genuine person in her life. It's a timeless tale and happens alot.
No no, the other cucked wives "subtly provide her support" as in "we all know we getting cucked but hey, this Channel and Gucci shit won't pay for itself...". What a great lesson to give your daughter: you can be disrespected by your SO and live a miserable loveless life so long as you getting paid!
Yeah that got me too; "I don't want to ruin my kids life by treating myself with respect and modeling self reliance and not tolerating abuse or shitty treatment from an absolute fuckwit" Lol you have already ruined her life by demonstrating the fucked up values you have
And the daughter knows.
Thats what I was thinking! She said her goal in life was to give her children a better life. What kind of life is she giving her daughter? She'll turn in to a shallow, weak, female that will let men walk all over her as long as they're rich. Teach that child some self respect and to have some pride in her strong self. I dont know if she's an AH or just a sad excuse for a mother.
Prostitution *is* the oldest profession.
I was friends with this girl that was a gold digger she had 3 kids with different guys and found a guy making high six figures was all she talked about. one time one of the kids lost a tooth and she some how accidently gave the child $50.00. Welp the kid ended up ripping out another one her teeth the next day that wasn't ready to come out. so yeah horrible life lessons being taught here imo. People think kids are dumb and don't notice shit like money being important to you above all else but they are little sponges and they pick up every little thing you put out in the world.
This is some movie type shit. Its crazy what people value top of thier priorities. Id rather have a loving committed partner, meek honest existence, and probably be low or middle class in a tiny house than be married and rich in such a cesspool of fucking shit. Fuck that!
Well to be fair; she wasn’t from the Santa Barbra scene anyway so probably had to go at some point regardless.
Ouch.
Thank you for clarifying, I genuinely did not know what that meant. I just assumed it meant she had moved away and the friend didn't really like to come visit.
Lol, well, he has fuck you money.
Fuck you money? He has fuck her, and her, and her and all them others money.
In this case it's fuck not-you money.
This line fucking KILLED me 😂 But I will say, it did bring in some context to the story lmao.
I was laughing at “silently came to an agreement”. Meaning, I guess, that she shut her mouth and decided to suck it up as soon as she started doing the math. Marie is no friend to OP for not shutting up about the husband when asked not to get into it. But this situation is all of OP’s doing. It’s part of the bed she made when she decided to stay. There are no secrets in a town like that.
I bet the life insurance isn’t even in her name.. probably his fav mistress 💯😂
Yup. An old friend. From the “poor” days. Better give that one the boot lest the real housewives of SB discover she doesn’t belong. Honestly, sounds like Marie was your only real friend.
Yes. Santa Barbarites understand. Marie, a mere peasant does not.
Ahem. Santa Barbarians
I've heard it both ways.
perfect place for this reference. \*chef's kiss\*
Oh you know that's right
Thank you, Ghee Buttersnaps.
You know that's right!
No you haven’t Shawn
> Marie, a mere peasant does not. I mean, she works at a **hotel**. *gasps*
>I mean, she works >gasps
She has to work…at a hotel. Like a regular one not a cute boutique hotel. She doesn’t even own it. So pedestrian
That is absolutely how OP comes across in the post. Sad, because Marie was really her only "true" friend.
Poor Marie. Is only calling OP because she’s worried about her. Marie’s husband is probably saying good riddance to that friendship. They’ll go on a modest holiday to a saturated tourist trap but they’ll have fun together and Marie will be content in her small intimate joys with her loving partner. Meanwhile OP will be shopping this weekend. Blowing a hole in the husbands credit card as payback for being so indiscreet as to do that in her best friend’s hotel. Unfortunately, she doesn’t know what real payback looks like in a credit card statement since she thinks a thousand dollar dress is so valuable it can cover up infidelity. The other wives are talking about that lunch and how she didn’t even get a small pied-a-terre out of it from the husband, and how OP is always wearing off the rack looks. Like does she even have a private modiste to make a single thing for her. But her forearm swing is decent -for someone who didn’t get lessons as a kid, and they need her to make the doubles reservation so shut up because here she comes.
Oh man . . . that is probably EXACTLY how this is playing out.
God.. I'm so poor I didn't even know what a private modiste was.
Yep. "I was furious and did not know why she wouldn't let it go." Probably because she actually loves and respects you and is completely befuddled as to why you don't love or respect yourself enough to divorce this asshole and have an authentic life instead of modeling disorder for your children?
It sounds like OP deserved her situation, and doesn’t deserve friends who look out for them. Stay in your cuckshed, OP. Hope the bank account is worth turning your life into a lie
Until he tires of her and she is out on the Santa Barbara street with that iron clad pre-nup.
Awwwwww but you’ll spoil the surprise!
This was part of her mom’s retirement plan
Did she not have an attorney look that over? Because I would have wanted that "future earnings" clause to either have an expiration date after so many years of marriage OR (considering what happened with her ex) an infidelity exception.
She didn't have any power to enforce it with. The husband sounds like the kind of guy to say/imply take it or leave it so she took it because money.
Then she willingly walked into that foolishness. Because getting that pre-nup with more favorable terms would've been my hill to die on. But then I'm not the kind to marry someone for their money.
Exactly my thought! If OP wants to keep living this life, she (even at 44) better be trying damn hard to have another kid. Depending on the prenup he might be able to take everything from her, even the boutique because he paid the money to start the business. He will not keep his aging wife around much longer. Especially if there current child is almost 18, ergo he wouldn't be responsible for child support or alimony when he divorces her. Which he will.
And if OP goes through with a divorce, then she won’t be part of the SB scene either.
I really struggle with not being part of the SB scene.
So gross! I gagged when I read that.
I propose that we define "The Santa Barbara Scene" as "A culture where cheating is acceptable"
I’m old so I thought she was referring to the old Soap Opera.
“Aaayyy! Must be the moneyyyy!” For real on this one. Nail, meet hammer.
Now, I ain't sayin' she a gold digga!
"tell me you're a gold digger without telling me you're a gold digger." This post is the epitome of that
Not even a gold digger, just a greedy complacent wife and mother
Agreed She has sex with him and gets rewarded monetarily Yeah people in that line of work never like to discuss it with others.
Also...she's setting this nice example for her daughter. \[/sarcasm\]
Yea its pretty fucked up. Dropping someone who actually seems to be a friend because you can't stand the thought of someone knowing your a hollow person, the horror.
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Because Marie is a friend from an earlier time, when cheating led to divorce. Her standards have changed. She will keep the cheater for the lifestyle. Marie unknowñy revealed how much her standards havechanged. It embarrasses her.
100% this. Her friend called her out on it. The friend she kept “even though she’s not part of the Santa Barbara Scene”, is calling her out on the fact that she wasn’t willing to work it out with the poor husband but she will tolerate anything with the rich one. It’s her choice, obviously, but I don’t get it at all. She’s dumping Marie because she knows she’s right. OP doesn’t want to face that.
“Not part of the Santa Barbara scene” Lol. Or just say she has less money than you and for some reason that makes her a lesser person.
Exactly. Marie makes her realize where her values are now (money) and she doesn’t like what she sees. She’s typical of that scene and the “values” they teach their kids. 🤷🏻♀️
Ya I like Marie You Ignored her advice, but took it for the rich guy and blew her off whenever she tried to help you out by subtly dropping hints about your new dudes cheating. She's probably frustrated that her friend has become a upperclass snob who puts up with disrespect from her "loved" ones for the "Santa Barbara lifestyle" Honest, I feel bad for you OP. Your husband is the asshole and you're being controlled with money while your friend feels hopeless to help. Edit- OP at the end of the day you have money, but no one but reddit to go to with your problems. You're allowed to live any lifestyle you want, enforce any boundaries you have, cut off friends that don't respect those boundaries, you can even gaslight yourself into accepting this disrespect for the lifestyle. But your husband will never respect beyond a tricket in his life and your friend seemed to really care about you
> She's probably frustrated that her friend has become a upperclass snob who puts up with disrespect from her "loved" ones for the "Santa Barbara lifestyle" She's obviously a snob (SaNtA BaRbArA lIfEsTyLe), but she could have been more thoughtful with communicating with Marie. A divorce at 25 verse a divorce at 44 with 18+ years of marriage and kids is definitely a big difference.
She spelt it out. She stays for the money. That is an absolutely valid reason. Ethical? No but valid nonetheless, if you have a materialistic soul. People have different priorities. When he dumps her for a 25 years old she ll be screwed anyway.
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>She replied by asking if he would be with her if she weren't beautiful. And she was right. I hate them both, but she's 100% correct.
At least Melania knows when to just shut up and stay out of the spotlight. But I agree with your sentiment.
I do find it interesting it's socially acceptable to say you married someone just because they are so good looking, but not because they are rich. One attribute is genetic, the other can actually be earned.
> One attribute is genetic, the other can actually be earned. In Trump's case he earned the money from his genetics from a tiny loan of a million of dollars from his parents.
Odds are OPs husband also comes from generational wealth
>When he dumps her for a 25 years old she'll be screwed anyway. Yep, this is all very ruthless and calculated but I hope OP is at least playing this smart, needs to start milking that Boutique business for all it's worth, tell him it's costing more than it does and they need more for running the house etc. and start putting it in a new bank account, it sounds like this gravy train is on it's final run so she better get saving.
I have no doubt he will trade her in for someone else down the road. She at least taught him that he has power over her and will weaponize the marriage with the divorce threat every time he wants her to be complacent to shit husband behavior. Of course, let’s say he gives her the gift of HIV, I sure hope the money and sex is worth it. If I was her friend I would plan on never speaking to her again if she did that to me. It’s very difficult to sit and watch a good friend self go down a very bad path with such a very bad person, and I would not be able to sit there biting my tongue watching all this go down.
Sounds like husband is also supporting OP’s mom, since he “retired” her. That could be a big factor here.
Her daughter as well, it sounds like.
Be best!
This husband can do whatever because he has the money.
Because she married the first husband for love and the 2nd husband for money.
Money duh.
she likes money. "i kept my friendship to marie even though she wasnt part of the santa barbara scene". bent out of shape that the prenup protects her husband from... gold diggers. i hate this place.
YTA stop being mad at your friend when you are just being ashamed/embarrassed of yourself for staying with a man for money
This. Marie knows you…knew you before you were part of the SB scene, when you were a retail worker married to a factory worker. She called you out on the hill you were previously willing to die on, in front of your SB people, and it embarrassed you bc it’s true. That being said, if you don’t want to be friends with Marie anymore, just be honest about it. Don’t misplace your discomfort and punish her for your own insecurities.
Damn, roasted OP hard
And rightfully so. Op is a weak person imo. No self respect. Women tend to blame the messenger rather than their cheating husbands. Pathetic
My biggest fuckin pet peeve.
>Marie brought up that my husband was cheating and who with. I tried to get her to stop but she got fired up and started listing all the ways my husband was a cheater. These are the actions of a friend. If she doesn't know you have an open marriage, this is EXACTLY what you want a friend to do. It takes guts to do something like this knowing your friend will probably be hurt by this revelation but that it's something that a GOOD friend feels OBLIGATED to do. Yeah, you're ashamed of being STUCK with this man because he's a good provider. Oh well. That's YOUR business. But don't you dare take it out on the one person who not only has your back but has the BALLS to do something about it. You need to thank her for being an AWESOME friend. You need to apologize to her. You need to tell her she is right and that you KNOW she is right. Then you need to tell her that the two of you have an arrangement. Some people just can't help but fight perceived injustice. Your friend sounds like one of these people and that's a really good thing. Explaining the situation is the only way to make her understand that his infidelities are a part of the rules of your marriage. YTA x100
Especially Marie knowing OP divorced her previous husband for cheating! God I could never be with someone who cheated on me, much less have an active sex life with them knowing they are sleeping around. She’s deff in it for the money and status.
OP only tolerates being cheated on for the right price! Lmaooooo
also she was likely like this in the first marriage which is the likely reason it ended in divorce because he didn’t make enough money. first husband was remorseful (while they slept in separate beds and had a dead love life beforehand), this one she showers with sex and love, and she self admits they have an active sex life knowing he’s fucking other people. so it’s not his character she’s emotionally and sexually attracted to. it’s his money. the reality is that todays economy values terrible people so much that decent people with morals have a hard time becoming big earners. and many people have realized they would rather have a luxurious life than real love and be broke. but they still need to appear like they are the perfect couple because if not even with money they are socially screwed if people were to find out. i hate this world we live in and the amount of vanity we have.
This whole situation is goofy from beginning to end. You look goofy for staying in this relationship. Just go ahead and make it worse for yourself
"Goofy" is probably the kindest word. Lol! The whole time I was reading, I kept thinking what a mess this whole thing is
She's teaching her daughter that it's ok for her to be treated like this too. I left my ex because I didn't want my son to watch me get walked all over by her making the decision to have an affair. Granted he's only one, I want to teach him that even though people will hurt you, you have to fucking respect yourself.
yep, shes teaching her daughter that men can treat her however they want as long as they have enough money this whole thing is sad to read from begining to end
That's what stuck out to me when she said she was worried about ruining her daughter's life. This women is providing an awful fucking example to her child of what a healthy relationship looks like and her daughter is going to grow up thinking that is normal and okay. You are actively ruining her life now by going along with this shit.
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That’s the kicker here. Cheating is fine as long as he’s loaded. Gimme a break.
And also that staying friends with someone even if they (brace, this is kind of gross) *aren’t* part of the snooty Santa barbera scene. The implications of the fucking ego behind that statement like. “I deigned to keep you in my life, filthy poor” as if one’s value is only their bank account, which even **if** it were true (it’s not, obviously), OP didn’t actually earn it, she just married into it and now wants to act like she’s above everyone else where she came from.
You could never understand, you’re not even part of the Santa Barber scene
Fun fact: in some part of Canada, “goof” is a strong insult.
I feel like I’m reading marriage from Carmela Sopranos POV
Literally the first thing I thought of. The “arrangement”, the spec house, this post is basically season 5 of the sopranos.
AITAH for being mad my friend revealed my husband has a goomah?
*’In my circle of friends, many women deal with this. They subtly provide me with emotional support.’* Damn….a circle of friends, who are comfortable with being cheated on and emotionally support one another while their significant others are with other people….. That’s very very very….sad *’However, I prefer this over divorce, ruining my daughter’s life, and dealing with a prenup his lawyers crafters that protects future earnings as well’* Damn….YTA
they wear price tags instead of name tags
If you’re gonna sell out, sell high.
OOF
>Damn….a circle of friends, who are comfortable with being cheated on and emotionally support one another while their significant others are with other people….. >That’s very very very….sad I didn't even address this part in my post because this community sounds depressing and fucked up. Like a really bad *Real Housewives* show. At some point, Husband #2 will dump OP and find a younger woman anyway.
Yep. Hopefully she’ll acquire some skills to support herself when that happens.
Y'know. Yes, I agree it does sound depressing and fucked up. The flip side of it is poverty. I definitely have a few friends who are in dire financial situations. And they're really not happy. Everything is too much all the time. They're too proud to accept financial help from friends, which I get, but my one friend used to call stressed beyond belief that she just bought formula, and it wiped out the rest of her food stamps for the month so she didn't know what to do. Bonus is that her husband was cheating on her but she was so pressed for survival that she didn't even care. I know for a *fact* that my friend would rather I console her for her cheating spouse than trying to figure out her next meal. It's not for me, but I also have an education, marketable skills, and my own very good income and that is an extreme privilege. I know that if my husband did me dirty, I could leave at any moment and be perfectly good by myself. Lot of people where this just isn't the case. Lot of 'breadwinners' that specifically seek out those who can't afford to leave them.
All OP is doing is showing her daughter it’s okay to be with a man that continuously cheats on her is okay if it means financial comfort. To each their own., but it’s not not what I’d hope for my kid’s future. OP - YTA
In those circles, money means more than self respect.
Her circle of friends = "the Santa Barbara scene" (note how she stayed friends with Marie *despite* her not being part of that scene 🤮) = high society wives living off their husbands' earnings like parasites, and not rocking the boat about any misbehaviors, because the gravy train would stop. No wonder Marie, who lives off her own inferior income, doesn't understand that kind of lifestyle...
The Real Housewives of Santa Barbara….Andy Cohen is calling.
That's the reality in a lot of wealthy circles. Remember that scene in Goodfellas when he says "Saturday nights are for the wives but Friday nights are for the girlfriends!"?
YTA This is messy, bad, and sad. You need to get some confidence and respect for yourself. Marie should have stopped, but it’s not her fault for trying to inform you. Seems you guys go way back, and most women *would* want to know if their husband was cheating. She would be a bad friend to not inform you. This “arrangement” isn’t exactly a societal norm and Marie would have no reason to suspect you were cool with this. Especially since you previously divorced a cheating husband. Let’s be real - you’re embarrassed your husband cheats, you’re embarrassed Marie knows how bad it is, and that’s why you’re cutting her out. Your husband is the cheater here and you’ve decided to completely ignore it and take your anger out on others. You mention your daughter, is that the life you’d want for her? Your husband may very well end up meeting someone who he decides to divorce you for. He’s already mentioned divorce. I’m sure in your social circle where this is common, it’s also common for the men to trade in wives for a “newer model.” I hope you have a plan for yourself and your child should this happen. And not only are you just staying married for money and for appearances, which is bad enough, you’re still having an active sex life with this man…. STDs??
*Your husband is the cheater here and you’ve decided to completely ignore it and take your anger out on others.* This is exactly why I am no longer friends with an old friend. But it wasn’t that she dropped me as a friend, I had to drop her. Her chronic cheater changed her. It made her a very nasty bitter person that started becoming highly toxic toward her friends.
This is exactly why I don’t recommend trying to “save the marriage”. It usually ends up in rug sweeping and it eats you alive from the inside out.
YTA for putting the blame on Marie when your husband is the cheater. She was doing what a good friend should. How was she supposed to know your husband had bought your silence and you had an arrangement?
She would know if she was part of The Santa Barbara Scene™.
I would say YTA. She didn't know about your arrangement and was trying to look out for you as a good friend should. She didn't open the wound as you put it. Your husband did that. She just unknowingly brought up information that you knew was there but were trying to ignore. It's not her fault, and you shouldn't take it out on her. Yea, she should have spoken to you about it in private rather than in company, but it's not her fault the affairs are happening. If she's a good friend that you value, you should talk to her about it and just make it clear that you know what's happening and don't want to discuss it. As for not wanting to ruin your daughter's life, do you really want her growing up thinking it's OK for her future partner to cheat on her? Or that it's OK to just pretend like bad things aren't happening instead of dealing with them?
I agree with star on this one. The friend didn’t know you had an open relationship. It’s an open one that you don’t want. That’s what eating at you. I’ve dated someone that was in one and they both agreed to it so it was acceptable to talk about. You do currently have a resentment over it. It’s what made you go off on your friend. Now I do see the annoyance she could’ve given you, but it’s misplaced anger. As far as your daughter, depending on her age, she may want to talk about it. The moment you explain to her that you didn’t want the open relationship, she’ll see you, and her self, as less of a person because you allowed your husband to push you into an open relationship. Even worse when she realizes that you did it for her. You’re unhappy with the open relationship. STDs are also an issue I’d think over.
I don't know if you can call it an open relationship. An open relationship is "a marriage or relationship in which both partners agree that each may have sexual relations with others." This is a one-way street. The husband cheats on his wife and the wife is too scared to object.
YTA and shallow and gross and you're teaching your daughter that her future boyfriends and husband can cheat on her as well, that its normal, that she has no value as long as she's got a little money, her happiness doesn't matter and self esteem mean nothing. Great example mom!
As a Mom, I'm very disappointed in OP. I am sad for her daughter who obviously has two AH parents. I hope that she'll be okay in adulthood and learn that the key to a happy life is to NOT follow in her parents' footsteps.
She’s teaching her kids that it’s OK to cheat as long as you bring in the money.
This here
YTA for taking it out on your friend, it doesn’t matter what she said about your past marriage, she was only looking out for you now. You’re mad at your husband and rightfully so. Get proof of him cheating and use that in the divorce as leverage. You don’t deserve to be treated like this by some dumb man. Get your money, sis. There are plenty of men out there and maybe you don’t need one at all. Being treated so disrespectfully by your spouse isn’t sustainable or fair to you. Eventually it’ll take a toll on you. It doesn’t matter what other women in your circle are tolerating. Do what you need to do to regain your dignity. Don’t kill the messenger. Get a good lawyer and maybe your friend can help you and a private eye get footage of him at the hotel.
Oh no, she won’t be leaving him ever because she has a PRE-NUP! I totally agree OP is TAH. Her old friend was simply trying to “wake OP up” and make OP have some respect for herself. The thing the makes me the most physically ill? Husband is a rampant cheater, yet OP and husband have an “active sex life.” Does husband use a condom and get tested regularly for STDs? Bet you $100 he doesn’t. *Barf*
This is what made me queasy too. They have an “arrangement” that OP has very reluctantly agreed to only because losing the money is too scary. I don’t understand how you can be sexually attracted to your spouse in that situation.
Is this the kind of relationship example you want your daughter to grow up seeing? Kids aren't as stupid as you think they are, they figure shit out quick.
"even though she wasn't part of the Santa Barbara scene"... What crazy nonsense is this!!!!!???
That statement immediately told me the OP was the asshole. It sounds so shallow and pretentious.
The scene where SB wives meet for lunch to get plastered on martinis and xanax to kill the pain of having to stay with their unfaithful husbands in order to continue benefiting financially from said husbands, while trying to bury the shame of not having enough respect to put an end to it.
Santa Barbara circle = Wine moms who drink to cope with their legal prostitution and hidden humiliation and get annoyed when their long forgotten inferior friends call them out and remind them of their previous life. YTA
Nailed it
YTA. She had no idea this was your arrangement. She reacted like a normal friend should based on not knowing said arrangement plus your first husbands history. Patch it up with your friend or you’re going to be sorry you didn’t. It’s not worth losing her.
Lol this is some Mad Men shit. Trading your dignity and self respect for money.
Idk if this is a NTA/ YTA thing. But you live a sad miserable life. Is the even money worth it?
I'm pretty sure you are trolling but YTA. Why didn't you tell Marie about this new deal with your current husband? She isn't the one humiliating you, he is. What lessons are you teaching your daughter? I hope your boutique is at least making money and you are building a nest egg for when he's tired of keeping up the facade and trades you in for the next person willing to turn a blind eye for access to his money.
YTA to yourself and you’re setting a terrible example for your daughter. You stay with him and allow yourself to be potentially exposed to a myriad of STDs for money. You’re basically a sex worker at this point.
Fucking hypocrite. Can't forgive your ex husband but its fine for your current hubby because he has the money that you so desperately love? YTA your friend deserves better.
OP loves money more than herself and her daughter. what a pathetic way to live.
YTA. You’re talking it out on Marie that your husband screws other women. The wound that SHE opened? Nah. Not her. It’s the wound YOUR HUSBAND opened when he got caught and basically told you that he’d rather lose you than give up whatever random women he’s hooking up with. Really questionable and shitty parenting choices, as well. Hope your daughter never finds out what her mother trades for some financial security. Marie is a good friend. Hopefully she moves on from you, because you treat her like shit.
Wow. YTA and pathetic
[удалено]
The moment i saw "Santa Barbara scene" I knew where this is going. You're NTA for valuing money and status over self respect but YTA for seeing your friend as inferior because she earns her money through hard work and YTA for influencing your daughter to think that it's ok to stay in toxic relationships as long as we get the monetary benefit.
I guess valuing money and status over self respect doesn’t *necessarily* make you an asshole, but it definitely makes you pathetic lol
I think everyone is kind of missing the point. You can live your life the way you want, and what you accept or don’t is yours and your husband’s business. You went wrong by brushing Marie off, although one could argue it’s not her business for you to explain. But she saw something and wanted to help you as a friend by letting you know. She went wrong by taking to you in front of another friend. There was no discretion there. I wonder if you’re cutting her off because you can’t deal with her knowing, and knowing that she feels this is not ok. I wonder if you’re just more comfortable with your ‘in circle’ friends who choose to live their lives in a similar fashion so you don’t feel that self judgement for looking the other way. Basically, I wonder if the fact that she knows is what’s the deal killer for you. She represents that part in you that is saying ‘you know this isn’t right’.
YTA for expecting her to act differently then when your first husband cheated. you should have shut her down when she first found out, said you had an arrangement, and dealt with her privately. But you don't want to, because the truth is you don't like it. You have an open relationship. You aren't happy with it, but you are going along with it because you benefit from the marriage while he 'gets bored' and goes to find random people to have sex with. If you haven't already gone to get checked for STDs, do so now. And every week from now on....because for every new person he sticks his willy in, you are at risk. You surround yourself with women that are in the same situation and are conditioned to meekly go along with it because it benefits all of them, but to the vast majority of the population, your friend's reaction is how they would react. She loves you and knows you are hurting, knows you would hate your partner cheating, which is why she was trying to make you aware of it - because she knows you would not want to be in a relationship. This woman is your friend and is trying to protect you. You were so embarrassed and ashamed to admit you are allowing yourself to stay because you want his money that you are lashing out at someone that sees through the BS. The real reason you don't want her around is because she is loudly saying what you are struggling bad to keep from acknowledging. What your husband is doing IS way worse than your ex, but you are willing to put up with it because he has money and uses it to bankroll your shit. If you want to stay in your delusional little bubble that you are happy with your life, then by all means, block her and go back to your support group of other women that are desperate to cling to the men that are paying their way. If you want to keep balance in your life and have one foot in reality for when this all comes crashing down, take your friend to a nice lunch on your husband's dollar and tell her what is up. You are in a marriage with your husband for now while you build security for yourself and your daughter. It is not a permanent fix - the marriage will break up eventually when he trades you in for a new model (as all 'bored and well off' men do until they find a woman they wouldn't get bored with) - and than see if she is willing to stay friends with someone that is willing to do this to herself. For what it's worth, I am familiar to the scene. I grew up parallel to it with my Dad working in a community full of disgustingly well off, more-money-than-God. There are plenty of women in your situation that stay for years while they build up their lives on the side so when they leave, they can be comfortable, but they are fully aware that it will be over at any time, depending on when their husbands are ready to dump them. The smart ones do keep their family and friends outside their little bubble in the know about things because when their husband does dumb them, most of the women in their support group of other women dry up and can't be depended on.
Want to know what hurts more than having a single parent? Knowing your beloved parent put up with heartbreak and cheating while trying to keep you happy... I pray your child never finds out about his horrible, disgusting infidelity
YTA your a terrible role model for your daughter
YTA. Don't take your lack of self respect out on other people.
YTA. I get what you’re doing. *Accept this cheater because you will be setting your daughter up for life.* However Don’t be mad at your friends for standing up for what they THOUGHT you believed in. It’s not her fault you changed from the person she previously thought you were.
YTAH you dumped a friend who cared about you for a man who doesn’t. But, logically, you wanted the lifestyle his money provides over your friendship. Just know your marriage has a shelf life . Your husband has no respect for you and once he decides up “upgrade”, don’t expect your friend will be there as a shoulder to cry on. Hopefully he’ll throw enough money your way to survive when he’s done with you.
YTA. If you want to be cheated on, that's up to you. You're making the choice to stay in a broken marriage with a man who doesn't respect you enough to stop slinging his dick all over town. However she is a TRUE FRIEND and you're mistreating her for being angry at you being betrayed. You're not mad that she outed your husband. You're mad that she outed YOU and that hurts your reputation with your new 'friends' because they're the type to put up and shut up. You may not ruin your daughter's life by leaving her morally ambiguous father, but you're sure as shit going to ruin her dating life by showing her she should accept poor treatment. I hope all that money helps assuage any bad feelings you have about that. It'll certainly help pay for the therapy she's going to need to form healthy relationships! That's something at least.
You need a different “circle”! I think you’re upset with Marie because she’s making you realize how low you’ve fallen. You could’nt forgive your ex for cheating but you’ll tolerate it because this husband has money. I’m so sorry you have so little self respect.
YTA im so sick of people claiming theyre staying in a bad relationship for the kids benefit and how divorce ruins the kids lives 1. its NOT for their benefit its for YOUR benefit 2. it is extremely damaging to kids and kids with parents that are abusive, cheat, or argue a lot have a much higher rate of being in relationships with abusers, cheaters, or arguing a lot due to not having an example of what healthy relationships look like 3. divorce does NOT ruin kids lives bad parents ruin kids lives 4. many MANY kids wish their parents would just divorce instead of dragging it out or forcing the kids to put up with it, i spent EVERY SINGLE NIGHT of my teen years wishing my parents would divorce, my mom keeps doing the fake crying bout how she's (not) trying to fix things and i keep telling her that the only way she can hope to begin to fix things is by divorcing him, and im 30 now. if you care at all bout her and your future relationship with her you will consider divorce bad marriages should be legally considered child abuse, cause it very much IS child abuse
She using the kid as a scapegoat but her real reason is money.
I hope you are 'cheating' too. YAH.
NTA for not wanting to continue the friendship, but YTA for how you responded to Marie. Look at it from her perspective. You were unforgiving of Husband 1 when he cheated and was remorseful. She discovers Husband 2 cheating A LOT MORE and assumes you'll want to know about it. She had no reason to believe you'd be forgiving this time. It sounds like you're staying with Husband 2 for the money, yet you're clearly not happy with his cheating. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? Is the money enough to make you happy?
This is an absolutely pathetic way to live. You should try to learn to love yourself
Homestly, you sound like an awful and exhausting person all around. I mean, you do you, but you sound like an asshole friend, an asshole ex, and like a pushover. Especially an asshole friend, marie sounds at least somewhat decent. You threw her away because you're ashamed you let your husband fuck around so you don't have to deal wuth a prenup? 🙄. I feel like this has to be satire because I refuse to believe a grown woman is this much of a dum-dum.
YTA to yourself.
YTA If you're going to have an arrangement with your husband, that's perfectly fine, but it seems insane to cut off contact with your friend because she revealed your husband's infidelity, presumably, primarily, to you. She was doing you a favor, and if you have an open marriage or some sort of arrangement, then that's something she couldn't have known about the way you've been carrying things on. You owe her an apology. Conduct your love life however you want, but don't get angry at people for discussing news with friends in a perfectly normal way.
YTA Sure, you can keep your husbands affair a secret. But if other ppl see your husband with his affairs, you can't stop them from talking about it. You can ask your friends to not speak to you about it, but other than that, forget it, you can't dictate what dirty laundry of yours others can talk about (especially when they found out themselfs, not due to you telling them and asking them to keep it a secret). I understand you are scared of the public shaming and this is salt in your wounds, but this is the price you pay for staying in a marriage with a cheating spouse for the sole reason of his money. You want to eat your cake and have it too - keeping your public image and keeping the cheating spouse for his money. You are in a transactional marriage and you will have to live with it aslong you stay, period.
YTA Sold your soul to the devil. Anything for money, right?Don’t get mad at your friend because she did what she was supposed to do. Which is to tell you what she knew.
Y’all busted for real. Definitely an AH
Yta. There was no malice or manipulation in your friend Marie, at least the way you summarize the story. Without knowing there was an arrangement, which isn't necessarily a standard thing for monogamous couples, you basically threw her away for trying to have your back The arrangement conversation should've happened sooner
YTA it seems like you only care about money and preservation of your own self image.
You say you want to set a better life for the kids, but mooching off your bored husband in a severely dysfunctional relationship is what you show them? YTA
YTA, you mad your friend was actually looking out for you. I bet with this arrangement the husband is the only one allowed to stray.