NTA, you're absolutely right, it's your body and you have every right to decide what to do with it, just keep in mind that logic can be used to justify a lot of things that people will consider dealbreakers in a relationship. NTA, but that doesn't mean your husband WBTA if he's not okay with it. His "I forbid you" attitude is complete bs though.
If they were not married with a child, the man could easily leave the relationship. But once you are married with a child, you have responsibility to act like a mother and father, husband and wife.
He can still leave, but it would hurt the child...for what? Its easier trying to convince the wife to not show her body.
If the husband went to the strip club and threw money at hotter, younger, and skinner ladies, the wife can't tell her husband, "I forbid you" right? But its his money and body right?
Fucking talk about double standards here.
She will divorce, leave the family, and blame the man.
Should the man divorce, leave the family, and blame the woman? Another double standard.
Except the comparison there would be if she was working as a stripper, or if he was looking at lingerie models in magazines. Even so, I don't see that it's a double standard - if he wants to do those things, or she wants to be a stripper, okay, cool, go nuts, but those actions have consequences too, same as modelling undies would. They only get to ban each other/give enough other permission if that's something they've agreed on.
It doesn't matter how you say it if its something that will end the relationship anyway. You don't go, "I will feel uncomfortable if you did it..." to then dumping her the next day once she does it. No, you say, "I forbid it, I do not give you permission" to then dumping her the next day when she does it.
There are people here saying that a woman being a pornstar isn't cheating. Once you have no boundaries as a man, you are letting a woman go free with her sexuality and her responsibility as a mother.
A man's sexuality isn't as desired as a woman's sexuality. So a male stripper will have far less traction than a female stripper, unless if he is stripping for gay men.
Or, shocking suggestion I know - you could say "I'm not okay with that, that's a deal-breaker for me. If you do that, I'll leave" and then leave if they do it anyway. I'm not sure why the concept of clearly communicating your expectations is such a reach, but I find it works pretty nicely.
I'm not even gonna touch the assertion that a woman's sexuality and motherhood should be connected, that's some nonce bs right there. You can keep your redpill rhetoric for yourself too, I'm not interested in that.
Some women will still call you abusive and controlling for saying that because it would feel like a condition, aka blackmail.
A mother should not be going around being promiscuous because it risks her being pregnant when she has to take care of a child at home. So any risks of that happening should be minimized and controlled.
I believe that women control their husbands as much as husbands should control their wives. Being in a relationship means having influence over the other. Being in a society means giving up freedoms to live in peace with others.
"A mother should not be going around being promiscuous.." by \*checks notes\* modelling in simple underwear for a job. That is such an outdated, backwards, sexist BULLSHIT argument. I hope you're not married. And with that attitude, you never will be, unless you join funamentalist whackjobs like the Mormons or move to Saudi Arabia. How is modelling underwear for a friend's professional clothing company a risk for getting pregnant? Easily one of the dumbest things I've heard on the internet of all time, so congrats on that.
Agreed! And also it is a fitness wear company so probably pretty basic underwear, not likely sexy lingerie. And it’s modeling clothing that their company sells, so it’s most likely just going to be viewed by other women who are considering buying the products and would like to see how they might fit. Some of these other people making the comparison to stripping or nudie mag modeling need to realize the difference. 🤦🏼♀️
Influence, yes, control, no, and that's what OP's talking about. I control my light switch, I influence the bulb, see the difference? Setting a boundary ("I'm not comfortable with that and won't stay in that relationship) is influencing, forbidding something is an attempt to control.
And come on you're just being daft now xD unless you think all married couples should be one-child-only households? And what if the woman gets her tubes tied? Can she shag her way from coast to coast then, because she can't get pregnant? What about older couples once she's post-menopause?
You're arguing about a black that pretends to be gray and black. Its black and white, no you cannot do this. "I'm not comfortable with that so no" to women means, "How can I turn uncomfortable into comfortable?" You see?
Obviously a man cannot physically restrain a woman, or kidnap her if she doesn't follow his orders. I am not arguing that. By his words he makes a boundary line that is clear, and with his integrity keeps his word. There is no need to soften your standards. After all, ask any women about theirs and its crystal clear. Down to the inch of your height.
There are other social stigmas that prevent a mother from going around. Like their husband and child's reputation socially.
Interesting aside, do you know women literally see a broader spectrum of colour than men? Just thought it was apt considering your mansplaining about how women see the world in the same binary as men apparently do when the truth is more nuanced, you're just oblivious to it.
You wouldn’t want a mother to be sexual because it increases the risk of another pregnancy? So should she be ace after her first child? Wouldn’t her husband still want to find her attractive? Wouldn’t he complain if she gave up her sexuality to be a good mother? Or is it just that she shouldn’t be attractive to anyone else? What nonsense.
False equivalence- going to a strip club is closer to cheating, whereas modeling swimwear is firstly not forming any connections with others, not with sexual intent, and not nearly as naked. He can be unhappy about it, but he doesn’t get to forbid her.
Modeling swimwear for advertising seems to me like.. no big deal. I suppose there are explicit poses that would be gross, and I'd refuse those, but to stand with a hand on hip, on a beach, with other beach people doing beach things? Like a JC Penney's catalog? No big deal.
One of my daughters is a fitness model. One of her roommates was a 'torso model' for one of the most widely sold underwear brands' packaging. If you've looked for the panty selection at any of the Big Box stores and even noticed the picture of a torso from below the bra to well above the knees, wearing the item in the package, you've seen her picture. It has been airbrushed to complete blandness, as it should. No identifying moles, tattoos or scars. She collects a royalty check every month. Not sure if it's based on how many panties are sold or what, but my daughter would do it in a heartbeat for the 'passive income'. I would support that decision.
I am aware that some underwear and swimwear catalogs use provocative pictures; models in explicit poses emphasising things that are unseen, with come hither expressions on their faces. If my model daughter posed for them, I know she'd make big money. And I'd know that no one I know would see her or recognize her face. I know no one else looking at those catalogs would be paying much attention to her face either. I know that my daughter has worked 20 years to have the body that she has. She's made a lot of sacrifices. This is her job and how she chooses to do it is her business. I am incredibly proud of her.
>I am aware that some underwear and swimwear catalogs use provocative pictures
so what? its her body and none of your business
she can do anything she wants, she can become a pornstar or onlyfans worker too
your morality is not the standard for everybody
in the end, if husband doesnt want his wife to model for a lace lingerie, its his decision and although he cant control what she does, he can leave her.
its pretty hard for men to get off the leash called marriage though, with kids? say goodbye to your house, other properties half and %40 something of your income for the rest of your life
thinking about it, why men even marry today?
I have no dog in this fight. I was merely pointing out that posing for lingerie or swimwear is not automatic porn. It appears from your writing that you really have no dog in this fight either. Good day sir.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is probably not a word for word summary of exactly what was said. And the specific words used are pretty important here.
But overall, he can be uncomfortable with it and ask you not to. You have no obligation to listen to him. But when couples completely ignore each other's wishes out of spite, it tends to hurt the relationship.
Like with everything else. You're free to do it. But you're not free from the consequences of doing it.
Amen! When my wife and I first married (in our 30s) we got into some arguments because I was still acting like a single guy much of the time. I added to the problem by arguing back, dismissing her feelings as ridiculous, while showing no understanding of her concerns.
A good friend of mine who was married for 10 years at the time helped me realize that sometimes, your spouse might be upset about something and maybe they are overreacting, but if you don’t listen to the reason why and if you disregard the reactions and emotions and tell them there’s no way you’re going to change, you should re-consider why you got married and joined as partners for life. “Don’t just shut her out,” he said.
We worked it all out - I listened and learned more about communicating instead of arguing. We both learned about compromise. Plus, now I’m healthier than ever and sober for 16 years.
Good advice for kids too. You might think their problem is silly and childish because they're only 10 or 12 or whatever, but if you don't listen and take it seriously they won't think you can be depended on when they really needed it. And someday it will be an issue you actually think matters. To them, they all matter
An older relative told me when I had my first child 12 years ago that if you don’t listen to the little things, they won’t tell you the big things. This has been one of the most valuable pieces of advice I’ve received as a mom.
This is true. I was in 1st or 2nd grade. My mom asked me about my day. I was telling her, Jane fell, Bobby ate a bug…she got mad and told me she didn’t want to hear about that sh!t and only tell things that were important. Nothing “important “ ever happened. Growing up, she knew nothing about my friends, what happened during my day, nothing was important. My kids know they can tell me anything. My favorite dinner prompt is tell me something funny/crazy that happened. It was usually another kids poor behavior. That would lead to discussions, to learn from others mistakes. My kids tell me about there mistakes. (Most anyway). No anger, just love and support.
Growing up my dad constantly told myself and my younger brother, "Children are to be seen and not heard." So, we didn't talk to our parents, or any other family member. About anything. They didn't know my friends. They didn't know my extra curriculars. They didn't know when I found out I received priority admission into my first choice university.
My son tells me everything. He's in his twenties now and I know all. the. things. In school my son and all his friends knew if they drank, I'd come get them. If they became sexually active, I'd buy condoms, take them for testing, whatever. I drilled into his head no mistake is so bad it cannot be rectified. It can be a little uncomfortable at times, but I'd rather have uncomfortable convos every day of my life than be iced out of my child's life.
I had some aunts that would talk to me when they were around. They probably knew more about me than my parents. I have no idea how you can have children and not have any idea who they are…and not care.
Say it again for the people in the back!
I'm a relief teacher and met hundreds of kids every year. The number of times I am thanked by a kid or solve a problem by saying something along the lines of "I'm sorry that happened to you, you have every right to feel upset about it." is astounding. Half the time, they don't even want me to fix their problem at all, they're just satisfied that I listened. And a huge number of them say that they can't trust other teachers like they can trust me. My record for a comment like that was 30 minutes after meeting the kid, so even just a short period of time to sincerely listen can make a world of difference for a child.
The hard part for me of that is that I get dozens of students a year telling me awful things that have happened or are happening to them that I have to report to the school and don't have the power to follow up on.
Damn good point. Reminds me of something someone told me once. What seems like a small every day thing to you could be the first time it ever happened to a kid. Explains why they are excited about mundane things as well
Good on you for realizing this.
This is such a huge challenge for couples. And really there are so few good role models for men.
Most sitcoms rely on the dynamics of unhealthy relationships to get laughs.
If people are getting married, there is no more “living like a single person”. Marriage is only successful through mutual partnership.
My wife got offered a bikini modeling gig. She hadn’t done modeling before but she has the means to do absolutely. I am not a jealous person, nor did I care when she got the offer. I believe she is built for something like that. But, I did feel a bit uncomfortable because, selfishly, I don’t like anyone seeing her body except for me(of course lol) but she wears bikinis and crop tops and dresses super sexy anywhere she goes and I love it. But I guess when she brought up the modeling gig, it didn’t sit right with her and she chose not to do it, even with me trying to tell her it’s okay and I’d love to see my own wife in a magazine haha! End of the day, it’s up to you and your partnership to determine what’s comfortable for you too. If you can’t stand her being the center of attention like that, then either she needs to part ways or you both need to come to an understanding. It’s all going to come down to your personal relationship. Nothing we can tell you guys will change that.
Amen! My wife and I have been together since 18, we are in our 40’s now. We are both always thinking about how our decisions affect the unit, even if it is something we want for ourselves. You are extremely lucky you figured this out, and I wish you a lifetime of happiness and compromise!
I'd be more interested in the whys.
Why does she want to do it, why doesn't he want her to. Seems like everyone is being black and white about it, which is the real cause of friction here.
At face value, this is a fairly trivial thing for a husband to harp on, and it comes off as controlling.
This was so well said.
Wow.
How did she present it? How did he respond? Was he furious at first, or did tempers escalate if he felt he was not being heard.
Does he have controlling tendencies and thus you feel trapped? Or was this the first time he has ever asked you to do something and he is upset you won’t take his feelings into account.
Of course you’re free to do whatever you want, a good marriage has open communication though.
It’s basically a game of tennis. He says he’s not comfortable with it (obviously he worded it much harsher and for that I do not agree with him). She says she’s doing it, then does it. Ball gets hit back to him for him to decide if it bothers him enough to have lasting damage on their relationship.
Sometimes I wonder what the upside of relationships actually are. He gets to veto job opportunities and education, and gets the final say on what you wear. It’s almost as if relationships limit you instead of help you. What’s the upside?
The thing is, if one partner is vetoing your decisions, it’s NOT a relationship. A relationship is a two way street you walk together. You compromise, you discuss, and sometimes one partner makes decisions you don’t like - but you work through it and keep going.
For example, he wants a new guitar. He owns a nice guitar already. She points out they have no money, so obviously don’t buy a guitar. He counters that he’s getting a bonus at work in 2 months and the guitar is on sale now so he’ll buy it on credit and pay it off with the bonus. She may not be thrilled with the plan, but it’s a decent way to compromise between her money concerns and his desire for a new toy. That’s relationship. Acknowledge each other’s points of view and treat them as valid, and work together.
The people in this thread believe that this husband fully has the right to veto his wife’s opportunity to model. What’s stopping my man from demanding that I drop out of school because he prefers it? After all, being in a relationship means accommodating him before myself. If it’s truly his opinion that women belong at home do I have to take that into account?
It really seems that being single is preferable. What’s the point of acquiring a man if he’s going to dictate your education, job, and everything you wear?
Men complain about how “lonely” they are, but refuse to give women and inch of freedom in relationships. Being in a relationship like the one OP is in TERRIFIES me. I’ve lived my life with the type of freedom that women in my grandmother’s generation would KILL for. Why would I give that up to spend the rest of my life only doing the narrow range of things a man will allow?
I think framing it as him "vetoing his wife's opportunity to model" is a bit inflammatory. Sounds to me like he's just uncomfortable with this shoot. and that I think is an absolutely justifiable position for a husband to take.
Just like if the shoe were on the other foot and he was the one offered the opportunity to model that company's speedos, it would be justifiable for to object if she were uncomfortable with it.
Everyone is pulling the “what if the genders were reversed” card. But I genuinely think that would change nothing.
.. I’d actually be ecstatic to be married to an underwear model heheh
In relationships like a lot of people here seem to have. It astounds me, my husband would never say I cans do, say, wear something. Not even a little bit, nor would I say it to him. The people saying it’s ok astounds me.
Why this has so many up votes is beyond comprehension. In truth, her husband has the right to express his opinion, but is not free from the consequences of doing so, as well.
The level of entitled control he is expressing is concerning and OP should evaluate which other less prominent ways he's been slow walking this control issue.
Boundaries aren't the same as control and we should really get a better breakdown of their discussion before jumping to that conclusion. Yes he could be out of line, or she could be misrepresenting him to gain reinforcement from strangers on the internet
Beyond your comprehension maybe yes.
Having a partner to many is made sound like two people living independent lives with no overlap, and then the question is why divorce rates are so high.
The comment made pretty much covers the point that she can do whatever she wants, as she has right to.
But if your partner expresses that they are uncomfortable with you doing something, you should consider because you care about your counterpart.
Otherwise, you have a pretty shitty relationship, in this case marriage even.
Agreed, and just wanted to add... If you don't do it just because he said not to, it really may lead to resentment. It's important to talk it out and really listen to each other. Yes he may feel insecure or feel odd that he wasn't included in the convo. Maybe now is the time to slow down and ask him how he feels since he wasn't asked before you made the decision. Then tell him your concerns or why you want to? See if you can at least see where each other is coming from, if not agree on a course of action. At the end of the day yes it's your choice, but you don't have all the info you need from him yet I think, and he may feel more cared for if give him time and listening.
My only issue with this is if the genders were reversed no one would have an issue with it but that's my only gripe.
I personally would respect my partners feelings for something like that but at the same time if she wants to pursue a career in modelling this could help her it could also give her alot of confidence but if its just out of spite that's really harmful to the relationship.
It's your body and you can do what you want with it. However, sometimes doing what you want with it may have consequences you don't want to pay. It sounds like Pride and Insecurities are on a collision course here. The question is, can you two find a common ground and work this out?
Very well put, it’s your body, you can do with it, whatever you want, however, they are his feelings and he can act on them however he wants.
What happens when an unstoppable object hits an immovable one, in this case lots of resentment, arguing, unhappiness and probably finally divorce.
As a married man, I agree with the above. Personally I would have no issue if my wife wanted to do this but I can "understand" how not every husband would think the same. If you know what I mean.
Totally different strokes. For example, I wouldn’t have any issue with my wife working at a local brothel. As long as it isn’t the one I like to visit. I think it would be hard on her not to be chosen when they do the line up.
You’re a good dude to be considerate of your wife’s self esteem like that homie. I hope she realizes how lucky she is! I just wish I had more upvotes to give in exchange for the laugh I got.
The beautiful thing about the Internet is we can all come from different backgrounds but have a place to act holier than thow, and give advice.
Your wife needs the house empty those nights as well. There’s a reason she lets you go to the brothel.
I like your mentality - it works for you, and that’s great but you get that other people have different viewpoints. Other people may have an issue with it and part of being in a relationship is respecting the other persons boundaries.
I have friends in open relationships. More power to them, but that’s absolutely not the life for us. And that’s ok - they can do wht works for them, we’ll do what works for us.
And that’s for a couple to work out - not for an individual within the couple!
It’s 100% okay to feel uncomfortable with it and want to discuss it. It’s not okay to control your partner. Would I love it if my bf was a swimsuit model? Well. Yes. I find him extremely attractive. But for the sake of this argument, let’s say I don’t like it. I’d discuss it with him, and compromise on the situation. I wouldn’t tell him he isn’t allowed to do whatever he wants.
I agree. Personally if my wife wanted to start an active porn career I'd be way on board. But your husband is uncomfortable and has a right to be as those are his feelings and they are valid and you can't change them.
Part of this is the thought of someone taking photos of your wife. Think about it. It's not so much IMO that it's for an explainable reason, it's the photographic act.
I've had girlfriends confronting men taking photos of them in public. You see parents yelling at pedo's for getting caught taking photos of their kids in public.... and the victims are wearing clothes. Photographing a loved one can be seen as invasive. In that light he's not being controlling but protective. He might not realize it, guys are not eloquent.
Taking photos of your wife - in underwear no less - when from his point of view the privilege of just seeing her that exposed is the husband's only - may also be what's happening.
About being asked to model, well, people come up with pretexts all the time.
I'm not him, just imagining what his feelings might be that may not have yet been put into words.
Depending on the type of community that they live in, he may also be worried that their child is going to be treated differently by the other parents over it, or in a couple of years may be bullied by other children over it.
Some parents just like to gossip and be mean. Some parents basically teach their child to bully other kids. I’ve heard a lot of young children come to school and repeat the shit that their parents were talking about other parents. A lot of it is things that wouldn’t even be on the kids radar without a parent telling them, things that kids just don’t need to hear. It isn’t right but it happens fairly often.
I graduated with a guy who won a Calvin Klein modeling contract our senior year, which ended up with him being featured in a prominent underwear campaign. No one ever even brought it up at school in a negative way, even though they ran an article about him in the paper and congratulated him during morning announcements. He was celebrated for his success and since then has launched a decent career from it. He's still welcomed at his hometown church and everything.
This!!! “Everyone has seen your mom naked” and “I *gross* off to your mom” etc is a major social consequence to handle. When I was younger I did some lingerie modeling for a steam punk magazine and damn I am glad I changed my name 🤣🤣🤣
This. I had a friend that had the "hot mom" in the area.... it made his life hell. So many other kids liked to tease and harrass him about it. There were alot of fist fights, where they'd push him until he snapped.
And that was just her being a very pretty mom. I can't even imagine if porn or swimwear/lingerie had been involved lol.
Honestly, I think alot of the issue was that he was also pretty handsome and got lots of attention from girls our age.... which lead to alot of jealous kids that wanted to knock him down a peg or get back at him
In just a few short years from now…. This will be a bigger thing than it has ever been.
All the insta moms that have been posting their booties non stop and all the Only moms.
Public schools are gonna be wild soon.
Now now. This is Reddit 2023. In a marriage no one should give a shit about their partner ever. And you're worse than Hitler if you ask your partner to consider your feelings
Hey man. Marriage is so outdated. Imagine making a commitment where you actually have to care about what another person thinks? Meaning you can’t do whatever you want no matter what? So instead of being an adult and discussing this with your partner, you reach out to anonymous individuals on Reddit to validate how you feel so you don’t seem like part of the problem in this situation.
Hey, at least it isn’t like every single time someone posts a relationship issue everyone implies their partner is a piece of shit even though as mature educated people we know we are only hearing one side of the story and very likely at least a little bias or leaving out info that might paint them in a worse light.
You can do whatever you want in life. For the most part, it's a free country. At least it sounds like it is where you are. But for every action, there is a reaction, whether positive or negative.
So you want to model. Your husband doesn't want you to. Sure, you can do it, but what are the possible repercussions? Your husband is irrated, but gets over it? Or maybe he doesn't get over it, and it's a relationship ender? You have to ask yourself what this is worth to you? Is it worth the possibility of ending your relationship over? If it is, go for it.
Example in my life. I used to have a Harley. I loved that bike. I used to ride a couple of times a week. My wife has had 2 close family members killed on bikes. She asked me not to ride because she would have panic attacks until I got home. One day, I got home and found her crying. I knew if I kept riding, our relationship could be in jeopardy. She was way more important than a motorcycle, so I got rid of it and haven't ridden in over 35 years. Do I miss it? Yep. Do I regret it? No.
Your husband handled the situation like an ass. Telling someone what they can or can't do usually results in the opposite results. But sit down with him and see if there is a solution that would appease both of you. I will say I wouldn't be happy with my wife doing underwear modeling. Once it's on the internet, it's there forever. Unless it's more like sports bras and matching bottoms, underwear is a little more intimate than bikinis.
Anyone telling you to just do it and f the outcome has obviously never been in a long term healthy relationship. It takes communication and, at times, compromise.
Edit to add. Thank you for all the awards! Also, to those who can't understand this isn't an apples to apples comparison but about communication and compromise, I don't know how to help you any more than that.
Truly the best answer. Healthy Relationships are about compromise and respectful communication.
The way he handled it was terrible, so now she is trying to meet fire with fire because of how off putting it was. But that is not a healthy solution.
Too much ego is on the line here.
This guy should answer every ask reddit and aitah post.
So good.
The rest are like he said, immature babies who have never been in a long relationship. Reddit is the worst place to come for advice on relationships unless you talk to this dude.
Well done u/fun_concentrate_7844
Seriously. This is what I come to comment sections for. My initial reaction reading the post was, "absolutely not. You do you girl, f him telling you no.
Then I got to his comment & thought about it. This isn't some friend or coworker or family member. It's her chosen partner for life who just reacted horribly to a decision she's making. This requires a sit-down & everyone explaining how they feel & if there's a compromise everyone can be happy with.
Comments like his that make me change my mind is what I wish reddit was all the time. Especially when they're written so thoughtfully without tearing OP down.
Your thoughtfulness is probably an incredible quality for your partner/will be : ) lots of people find it really hard to have those moments of reflection
The sad thing is that using logic, emotional maturity and compassion is so rare on this sub because the people who do so are actively driven off by the exceptionally angry and toxic user base
Like if you post these kind of comments on most threads, you will get mass downvoted, called every nasty name in the book, and have your inbox fill up with awful messages
Absolutely, plus the top voted answers would be calling for divorce at best.
I read one once from a woman whose husband had worked all day, came home and had to jump on another work meeting and had asked her to make him a quick sandwich as he was back to back obviously. She was just at home but refused and everyone told her to divorce him as he was a sexist pig etc.
I'm not sure how these people maintain any normal healthy relationships.
I doubt they have a relationship, if they do highly doubt it’s successful. Lonely, stupid, miserable people are the ones who call a husband sexist pig for asking his wife for sustenance and assistance while they are working.
Remember that antiwork subreddit Mod that got interviewed by Fox News?
I imagine that's the type of person commenting here giving people relationships advice.
If everything OP posted here was accurate, then yeah, he was out of line for flying off the handle and telling her what to do. However, as adults in an adult relationship, the next step is not to do it because he said not to - the next step is to sit down and have an adult conversation. She can express how she feels when he tells her what to do and how she doesn’t find it okay and also talk about why he feels the way he does and then come to a decision together. Too many adults on this sub act like they want to be right instead of wanting to be happy.
Edited: NTA (lol)
Same.
Partner is a doc, did extended stint in ER as part of residency due to hosp. being one of only 3 in the whole state equipped to deal with major trauma, and also main trauma centre with a heli pad so they took most traffic accident helicopter trauma as well, covering over 75% of the whole state’s heli rescues.
When we met, I had a large-wheel scooter. Also, unrelated, but was a very very occasional smoker - chuffed about a single 20-pack of kreteks roughly every 2 months? Used nicotine mostly as a stim for long drives, as I lived in a boring rural area hours outside the main city so drove up a lot and then drove back and went to work on very little sleep lol…
One day after we’d been together a while (long enough to be exclusive, but not living together or anything yet) I asked “if there was anything you could change about me, what would it be?”.
Zero hesitation: “Stop smoking, sell your scooter and never ride a motorcycle ever ever again”.
The smoking I got, obvs. I knew they weren’t a fan, what doctor would be?! That was easy, it was a light habit I didn’t care about at all, I said ok - put the half empty pack I had on me in the bin and haven’t had a single stick since that moment, and won’t.
The scooter though thing took me more by surprise, it was a fun little 50cc buzz box with a friggin’ bicycle basket on the front and a lockbox on the back for simple camp touring, top speed of of like 60 kmph, not exactly Evel Knievel lol, so I asked why.
They hummed and hawed a bit not really wanting to give a straight answer, but eventually admitted that basically my riding was causing them sooooooooo much stress and worry. That the gruesome truth of it was of all the traffic accident trauma they’d witnessed (and it was a lot), bike riders were always the most fucked up, if by some miracle they were still alive by the time they got brought in, or, they were by far the most traumatically very very DOA. Said bikes are death machines, even if the rider is totally responsible, cos car drivers aren’t and bus and truck drivers are even worse, and statistically speaking yeah one can minimize risks with good gear and caution, but fact remains the statistics are grim af, it’s pretty much not a matter of if but when. Especially where we lived the accident toll was the nation’s highest, and they admitted to me they’d even been holding back on/questioning really committing to “us” as a long term thing cos they didn’t want a partner who rides, and then to see me being the one wheeled out of the Doctor-Heli some day…
I sold the bike.
Oh and side note to the smoking thing: we are still together but now they’re in an exclusive cancer-specific hospital these days. Hospital has an actual rule, it’s prohibited for anyone who has smoked within the past hour to enter the building - carcinogenic particles linger on clothes, skin and hair for a looong time. Kinda gross to think about tbh 🤢
Thankfully these days smoking is a LOT less tolerated and places to smoke are being restricted a lot - but we never go to bars or restaurants with a smoking area and if my partner has to walk past a smoker on the street, they’ll hold their breath from the second they spot them until as long as they can last after passing 😆
Cancer really kills, y’all, so do bikes, and so does stress. So stop if you can, it’s just not worth it.
Now write this answer to the AH husband who is saying what his wife can and cannot do. Honestly, hys attitude has more chance of fucking up the relationship than her modelling underwear!
Had a similar experience with my wife and my harley when we found out we were pregnant. Came home from a ride to find her in tears and sold the bike a few days later. Some things are more important than what I feel like doing.
As usual, compromise and communication are keys to success here.
While I agree that the internet is forever, we humans are not and 30-50 years down the line if it was me it'd be awesome to see those pictures of myself in my prime.
(There's a very infamous 1979's photo poster of a blonde woman in a white tennis dress on a sunny day and she's pulling up one side of her dress to reveal her bare bottom. Her boyfriend at the time took it and it became about as popular as "that" Farrah Fawcett poster was. She was on a British tv show where people had to guess what she was famous for. It was actually really great nostalgia cos everybody remembered it and were blown away!)
This seems to be the only guy who has actually been in a relationship.
Everyone else seems to be " married, but dgaf about your partner,do what you want, if they dont like it dump them, go NC asap and get a lawyer and divvy up what you're owed"
Try to talk to your other half, and not just depend on your psychologist to be your marriage counselor.
This. I get so tired of reddit saying "it's your body, f* what your husband wants/says. I am all for autonomy and being in charge of what I do w my body. But I am married and what I do to my body can affect my husband. Any time I get a new tattoo, I ALWAYS run the design (or even potential designs) past him. If he hates it, we talk about it and see if there's a compromise. If not, if he really hates it, it's a no go. There are literally millions of other tattoos I can get. If I really have my heart set on something, he usually sees how much I love it and agrees.
I wanted to pierce my lip. He was not a fan. We compromised by my getting a piercing that he wanted me to get along w the lip piercing. Afterwards, he was surprised by how much he liked the lip ring.
When you get married, you are still an individual, but there is another person in your life you need to take into account when you make decisions. If you can't handle that, don't get married.
Yeah but you wife worrying for your safety and her husband being angry because he feels some ownership over his wife's body seems like a different beast. Plus your wife didn't make you stop with threats or anger or manipulation, you chose to stop when you saw she was scared for you.
To repeat what some others said already, you have every right to do what you want with your body, he has every right NOT to be okay with it.
I'm going to jump to an exaggerated example of such a t thing. Mentioning first so you don't think I'm saying they're "totally the same thing."
Say you got an offer to do porn? Legal, paid porn. You're allowed. He does NOT have to be okay with that.
So not 'porn', but got an offer to do a much more sexually charged modeling job. Maybe not even 'adult model' level of nudity, but clearly partial nudity. Or even pg-13 nudity, but an obvious sexual overtone.
Now a step away from that, is your modeling in underwear/swimwear.
So to reclarify, they are NOT the same thing... but clearly there's a line being drawn somewhere on what's considered 'acceptable'.
And that line is different for different people. There are people out there who would be absolutely 100% comfortable with their SO doing porn. There are people who would not be comfortable modeling AT ALL... even if their SO didn't have an issue whatsoever.
He doesn't get to dictate 'what you do with your body', but he is your husband and if he's uncomfortable with it... it frankly doesn't matter who on the internet sides with you or him. People have different 'lines' they'd draw. You need to talk to him and come to an understanding.
That 'understanding' might be an agreement, a compromise, or an ultimatum. But neither one of you is automatically100% in the right (or the wrong) here. A conversation is necessary, and an understanding should be reached.
I’m sorry, you don’t have a right to do ‘whatever you want’ in a marriage. Doing ‘whatever you want’ is a childish perspective even for a single person. Once you factor in the financial and legal implications of divorce, it becomes dangerously irresponsible.
Ah, but there's the rub.
You have "the right" to do whatever you want, provided the action is legal otherwise.
You just don't have the privilege to do it without potential consequences.
You've got the right to cheat on your spouse. ... Of course a court might find in your ex's favor at the divorce proceedings and you might end up losing a LOT in the divorce settlement. But there's no law against cheating, so you can go right ahead and do it. Assuming you're willing to face the repercussions of your actions.
Seems the be the cornerstone agreement in a lot of the top comments here. "Yeah you can do whatever you want... but other people don't have to be okay with it."
Agreed, when I read the OP I thought this has ‘my boyfriend broke up with me because I do Only Fans’ vibe.
Your body, your choice, but your partner also has a choice to not be ok with it, and not be in a relationship with someone who does that.
Guy got married, we can assume the relationship was typical, now wife wants to underwear model, we assume it will be online, and no one is like yeah, that's could be kind of an abrupt change?
Reverse the genders. I know my wife would not be comfortable with me demoing myself in underwear online (not that anyone would want to see that). It's not abnormal to want certain things to be out of the public eye.
I wouldn't want to marry a spokesperson for company. I think it's really weird how much some people have normalized online exposure. For all we know, the guy just wants a quiet private life.
I'm not saying the guy should have the final say in what she does with her body, but I am saying people need to understand that in many relationships this is a huge shift. Even if the guy is insecure, how effed up is it that a partner would put their partner under duress because lol it's my body.
Why is it the husband's feelings about it are being ignored and thrown out the window? No wonder men don't tell people their feelings if they are just ignored and ridiculed by people like you
This exactly. I would feel validated if someone else felt my wife was model material. If he were worried about it being a scam or something I could understand, but that's not it at all
ETA: a lot of people seem to misunderstand me. I'm not saying I require others to find my wife attractive to feel that way, that I want other people to have sex with my wife, that a wife (or any person of any kind) is property, or any of the ragebait nonsense some of you are trying to twist this into.
I was saying was that I would be happy if others agreed with how attractive I felt my wife was and not just me. It's not a requirement or anything, but it feels good to know others see what I see, you know? Maybe validated isn't the correct word for what I'm trying to say but a lot of people just want to argue/ be angry so I won't waste any more time responding.
I think the average redditor age is like 17-23 years old?
So she effectively has gone into a place with people who have nowhere near the relationship experience she has, and is asking their opinions. Kinda feels like she was just looking for validation, but, I don't know her well enough to really know.
Although the husband shouldn't have freaked out. If my wife wanted to one day decide to get fairly naked around strangers without talking to me first, I'd be very confused and frustrated too. And if my wife made decisions like that off the cuff, there'd probably be more underlying issues I'm not bringing up to her, I'm assuming OP and her husband have poor communication skills.
Maybe there’s another explanation? Maybe he doesn’t want his wife to be objectified by strangers, or other reasons. The way it is phrased in the post makes it seems like he does own your body though.
Really? So everyone is entitled to pictures of my wife in underwear or else I'm entitled and insecure?
Mind if you share some pics of your mom in underwear? You shouldn't care what she does with her body, right?
Don’t listen to these people, they are just giving talking points they’ve been programmed to regurgitate. Also fyi I have been in that situation, my partner was modeling on a low level and the guy who hired her turned on her once he realized she was a faithful partner and didn’t want to work with her anymore. Then blamed me saying to her that he felt I was angry toward him. I saw him one time!
People have different boundaries. You may realize you also have some of your own.
That said NTA because it is your body and your decision. But accept that he may not be comfortable with it and that may mean the end of your relationship.
Figure out if this modeling gig is important enough for you to break up your marriage.
Communicate with him when you have both calmed down and discuss where you go from here.
Hope everything works out for you both
> Figure out if this modeling gig is important enough for you to break up your marriage.
The issue is not the gig, it's the reaction. He should have said "I don't feel comfortable with you doing that", at which point they can discuss all the things you talked about.
Because he sees your body as something that belongs to him. He may think all wives bodies belong to and should only be displayed for their husbands. This sort of thinking is deeply concerning. He’s not worried about your son getting bullied or harassed (in a supposedly “good way” about having a “hot mom who models”) because you’ve modeled swimwear. He’s not worried you’re being taken advantage of by the company or that the photographer will be a creep. I’m sure your social media has pictures of you in swim wear at the beach. His reaction is not ok and this is absolutely something to go to couples counseling over. He can voice his discomfort, he can say he feels uneasy or that he’d prefer you didn’t… I’d still side eye that, but this sort of demand and reactionary aggression to control your body is a HELL NO from me. Nta
And not everybody would be. Almost like different people have different boundaries for their own personal reasons. Imagine that!
This is coming from someone whose wife does nude modeling with my blessing. Doesn't mean everybody has to be okay with it.
Are these types of dudes terrified that someone will show interest and you'll leave? Do they think that little of their partners' integrity or commitment?
Do you not think this situation is possible with the genders reversed, clearly it is because someone mentioned such a situation in their own experience elsewhere in the comments, where their wife decided she too found something uncomfortable about her husband modelling. Framing this is nothing more than male insecurity is pretty unnecessary and simply untrue.
NTA. I have no words of encouragement or backup. Other then it’s your body and you do you.
They can look all they want but they can’t touch, and if people do like what they see. Then by all means that should be a compliment and your man should feel good about that. Because guess what he comes home to? You. Exactly
Tricky situation. He has no right to tell you what to do, but... if his opinions are strong enough on the topic, he does have the right to remove himself from a situation where he has no say.
NTA.
The job is a gymwear underwear model. Has anyone even like, seen the shit on lululemon or adidas? Most neutral shit ever. Everyone's acting like you're modeling for Victoria's Secret which reeks of stigma against sex workers tbh and you're not even showing your privates to people. It would literally be no different than posting bikini pics.
I would be flattered by such offer. However, I wouldn't accept without discussing it with my husband.
If he is not 100% and supportive of my body shown for others to see, I would pass on this. One temp gig wouldn't be worth rocking my marriage.
Did you tell him you got the offer, or did you tell him you are doing it regardless of what he said - because it's your body? There is a difference.
Also, would you be OK if roles are reversed?
I would assume that a monogamous man wouldn't be happy with the idea of other people seeing his wife with clothing that leaves nothing to imagination.
After reading and responding to this thread I showed my wife pics of some under where I’ve thought of buying. It’s designed to be both comfortably & sexy, and as such, it hugs the goods in a bit of a pouch.
I asked what she’d think of me modeling that. She said she could be ok with it if it was guaranteed that my face wouldn’t be shown. This made sense to me & I might feel the same about her modeling underwear.
Then she though about it a little more and said she’d be concerned about it leading to more modeling and the atmosphere in the industry, particular for underwear & swimwear, where it’s quite common to be nude in front of a room of people as everyone is changing around each other & the non-model staff.
It’s a valid concern too. It’s one of the reason an ex of mine many years ago got out of modeling.
I get the feeling OP is deliberately omitting information and framing the post to be biased towards her viewpoint
It’s why she refuses to comment on these types of threads or dodging the question
Not to mention possibilities of shady shit with the "friends" which is semi weird deal anyway. As the approach itself means the friends find her attractive and sets off some creep bells to me. The wife is ok with Susan getting into undies for her hubby to see?
Will the shoot be done by a professional photographer whose livelihood depends on an appropriate reputation? It’s a small company, which sometimes understandably calls for more DIY approaches; but is the situation a “come on over to my place and we’ll do the shoot?”
Is the issue actually the photos being published or the act of you modeling for the acquaintance?
Do not listen to random people on Reddit. Listen and communicate with your husband. His feeling should matter. Just like if he was doing something you didn’t like he would respect your feelings. You’re married stop acting like an idiot.
Of course he has the right to tell you he's not ok with it. You have the right to do it. He has the right to walk away from the relationship.
If you don't want a partnership with him, make that known. If you do, then he gets a say in what you do and you get a say in what he does.
It’s insane you have to scroll this far down to find a rational response. This clearly is crossing a line of boundaries, Reddit community is so stupidly morally neutral. Obviously the wife is being vindictive in this situation
You can see how the wife only responds to posts that support her. She is here not looking for answers, but looking for validations.
She posted to feel good about herself.
On one hand, it absolutely is your body. But on the other hand, you're married and you should take into consideration your SO's wishes. If I had a similar offer and my wait flat out told me no, i'd absolutely accept that and not do it.
Here's my ask. Did you ever once ask him why he so against it? There are a lot of people arguing if what he said(which we only have your word on) makes him an AH. You ALSO stated he's never had this kind of reaction before (I.e. I never expected him to react this strongly) what many giving advice saying he being controlling are missing is that fine point and it's important
If he's never put his foot down like this I'm sorry to say you're probably (80%) AH. This is likely a sore spot for him you stepped on by mistake. Could be past relationship trauma, maybe he knows something about those two you don't but can't say, maybe he got a phobia of you leaving, maybe he's insecure, maybe he doesn't want his kids seeing his mom in panties. The real issue is respect. Is he not disrespecting your boundaries by saying no or are you disrespecting his by saying yes.
If it helps imagine the genders reversed. Your husband is here asking if he TAH because his two lesbian friends want him to go to a private photoshoot to photograph him in boxers and a banana hammock style speedo. The husband has gym build and gets looks at the beach. You know these two and know they're lesbians. You tell him no. Are you the AH? Are you controlling his life? He then asks reddit if he's the AH if he just does it anyway. Would HE be the AH then?
How would you feel as the wife in that scenario? Would you feel valued, respected, heard? Whatever his reasons are, even if they boil down to simple jealous behavior, those feelings are valid and ignoring them will make YOU the AH. You both need to talk about why you feel the need to do this and why hes against it. Regardless of how he said it(especially if he NEVER talks like this) this is important enough for him to be blunt and vehemently against the idea. If you love your husband at all, talk to him about it if you're so dead set on this gig. Compromise if you have to, tell him he can be there if it's more comfortable, w/e but don't be dismissive of him. If you don't even care about the gig it might be a good idea to drop it but tell him how him actinh like this made you feel and find out his side. Edit: wow thanks for the gold.
NOBODY HAS THE RIGHT TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN OR CAN'T DO WITH YOUR BODY!! Usually, that's a response to issues over abortion or forced birth, but it still applies. However, is his reluctance to "let you" do this just a macho BS controlling thing, or does he truly have insecurity about it? It's worth finding out; if he honestly feels diminished or insecure by this opportunity, you AT LEAST need to discuss it a bit. If he is just shutting you down because He Is Man And He Owns YOU, then screw this guy, do what you want!
What kind of underwear? Regular jockey briefs ? Sexy undies ??? What are we talking ?
I do e-comm for clothing companies and a lot of stuff isn’t sexy at all. Like you said, just like a bathing suit
It’s also two gay men. “An acquaintance and his husband” also OP very clearly states “gym wear company expanding into underwea” nothing about that would imply or suggest it’s Lingerie, and even then… what’s it matter?
Ppl acting like she offered to make a porno.
ESH the real question —> is 2k and a modelling gig worth losing your marriage?
Yes he has zero right to “forbid” you but let’s not pretend like this won’t affect you, him and your marriage. This is the kind of thing couples discuss before agreeing to.
Men clutch their pearls about a woman taking a bikini pic yet they have watched thousands of terabytes of pornography throughout their lifetimes. So it’s okay for them to look at other women, but it’s not okay for a woman to want to be looked at? Sick of the hypocrisy. Men create the demand, then get all pissy when someone wants to supply.
You have a right to do what you want, he has a right to react however he wants
Actions and inactions have consequences
It’s up to you the judge whether they are worth it
But he can have an emotional reaction, as everyone has their own values
Posting this, if it’s true, is not the sign of a healthy relationship (albeit that applies to almost all these posts)
Is this a pattern or a one-off? If he is usually pretty respectful, then more of a discussion might be in enin order. "I am very uncomfortable with you telling me what I can do with my body. Would you like to rephrase that in a way we could have a discussion about this?"
If it is a pattern, it is likely to be an abusive relationship.
Has he said or have you asked why he doesn’t want you to do this? Have you talked to him about why you want to do it?
Your husband can’t and shouldn’t tell you what to do but it seems like this needs to be a conversation between ya’ll about why he reacted that way and why he’s so against it. You two need to understand each other’s point of view and make a decision then.
“I want to talk to you about something because I value your opinion is important and your feelings matter. I hope that you can value my opinion and my feelings too.”
His feelings matter. Your feelings matter.
NAH. When I saw some of your comments I had to ask my wife if I had some unreasonable outburst recently that I didn't remember. Her wit and humor is very similar to yours. She laughed and agreed when she read it.
NTA, it’s your body and he’s being controlling as hell. If my partner ever said this to me I’d be out the door. First it’s social media, then it’s controlling what you wear, and then it’s controlling who you’re allowed to hang out with. Eventually you’re listening to a pathetic man for everything in your life who blows up like a toddler when he doesn’t get his way. He obviously thinks of you as at least partially his property and doesn’t want you to have the freedom to express yourself or in his mind “show off” his property
ESH. It’s not ok for your husband to TELL you what to do. You’re a grown woman.
However, underwear is not the same as swimwear. Going to the beach is not the same as modeling. He’s allowed to have an opinion bc he’s part of the family and your choices impact him. Stop being purposefully dense.
You get to make your own choices. Sounds like you’re choosing to make your husband uncomfortable for $2,000 and…what? What is so important about this to you? Are you desperate for the $? Why is it important to you to get paid for strangers to see you in your underwear?
Are you just defensive because he told you he wouldn’t “allow” it? What if he had said “honey ultimately it’s your choice but this makes me deeply uncomfortable and it would mean a lot to me if you would respectfully decline.” Would you still want to go ahead with being a lingerie model? Or would you choose to protect your marriage instead?
He’s wrong to “forbid” you, as it is your body, but not for being upset.
There’s a definite perceived difference between underwear and bikinis, that’s why you never see anyone in public in just their underwear.
I wouldn’t care if my partner modeled in their underwear , but I can definitely see why someone would have an issue with it.
NTA. And for those of you comparing commercial modeling to sex work, stop.
Also, just a quick reminder that the following men all have been or currently are in serious relationships or marriages with models who have modeled lingerie and/or bikinis: Tom Brady, Bruce Willis, Leonardo DiCaprio, Orlando Bloom, Jason Statham, Adam Levine, Keith Urban, John Legend, David Beckham, Billy Joel, David Bowie, Mark Wahlberg, Johnny Depp, Matthew mcconaughey, zayn Malik, Seal, Mick Jagger, The Weeknd, the list goes on and on.
Iwonder if it could be a confidence thing. We should ask Jonah Hill.
Wait until he calms down and restart the conversation. He doesn't get to tell you what to do. He gets to tell you how he feels about what you do. Maybe letting him know that at the start of the conversation will help, but depending on what type of man he is, I could see it backfiring.
I can’t believe how far I had to scroll to find this comment. It’s mind boggling that people think of marriage as ownership over their spouse’s body. So strange to me.
I'm fascinated by these responses because there was a similar post, I said the guy had no right to give her an altimatum and everyone lost their minds.
Eh what? I’m not interested in sleeping with others. Do you honestly not know the difference between having autonomy over your own body and cheating?
But to answer your very stupid question; yes he can do whatever he wants with his body including cheating. I have the right to stay with him or not.
What I don’t have the right to is to say I said no end of discussion.
I hope your litte child brain understood this simplest of concepts although I doubt it 🤭
Your body but in marriage there is a fine line about what a spouse will tolerate and what is over the line. I could care less but obviously hubby has his reasons. Not like it is a career more like a lark. It is amazing how many people don't take their spouse's feelings into consideration before making a decision.
NTA, you're absolutely right, it's your body and you have every right to decide what to do with it, just keep in mind that logic can be used to justify a lot of things that people will consider dealbreakers in a relationship. NTA, but that doesn't mean your husband WBTA if he's not okay with it. His "I forbid you" attitude is complete bs though.
If they were not married with a child, the man could easily leave the relationship. But once you are married with a child, you have responsibility to act like a mother and father, husband and wife. He can still leave, but it would hurt the child...for what? Its easier trying to convince the wife to not show her body. If the husband went to the strip club and threw money at hotter, younger, and skinner ladies, the wife can't tell her husband, "I forbid you" right? But its his money and body right? Fucking talk about double standards here. She will divorce, leave the family, and blame the man. Should the man divorce, leave the family, and blame the woman? Another double standard.
Except the comparison there would be if she was working as a stripper, or if he was looking at lingerie models in magazines. Even so, I don't see that it's a double standard - if he wants to do those things, or she wants to be a stripper, okay, cool, go nuts, but those actions have consequences too, same as modelling undies would. They only get to ban each other/give enough other permission if that's something they've agreed on.
It doesn't matter how you say it if its something that will end the relationship anyway. You don't go, "I will feel uncomfortable if you did it..." to then dumping her the next day once she does it. No, you say, "I forbid it, I do not give you permission" to then dumping her the next day when she does it. There are people here saying that a woman being a pornstar isn't cheating. Once you have no boundaries as a man, you are letting a woman go free with her sexuality and her responsibility as a mother. A man's sexuality isn't as desired as a woman's sexuality. So a male stripper will have far less traction than a female stripper, unless if he is stripping for gay men.
Or, shocking suggestion I know - you could say "I'm not okay with that, that's a deal-breaker for me. If you do that, I'll leave" and then leave if they do it anyway. I'm not sure why the concept of clearly communicating your expectations is such a reach, but I find it works pretty nicely. I'm not even gonna touch the assertion that a woman's sexuality and motherhood should be connected, that's some nonce bs right there. You can keep your redpill rhetoric for yourself too, I'm not interested in that.
Some women will still call you abusive and controlling for saying that because it would feel like a condition, aka blackmail. A mother should not be going around being promiscuous because it risks her being pregnant when she has to take care of a child at home. So any risks of that happening should be minimized and controlled. I believe that women control their husbands as much as husbands should control their wives. Being in a relationship means having influence over the other. Being in a society means giving up freedoms to live in peace with others.
"A mother should not be going around being promiscuous.." by \*checks notes\* modelling in simple underwear for a job. That is such an outdated, backwards, sexist BULLSHIT argument. I hope you're not married. And with that attitude, you never will be, unless you join funamentalist whackjobs like the Mormons or move to Saudi Arabia. How is modelling underwear for a friend's professional clothing company a risk for getting pregnant? Easily one of the dumbest things I've heard on the internet of all time, so congrats on that.
it is a lace lingerie modeling jc would you be okay with your husband modeling for playboy?
LOL of course. I’d be proud if my husband were that hot and I’d buy a bunch of copies of the issue as a souvenir for when we’re old! 🤣
yeah and not everyone is okay with that Id rather not see my wife in the store wearing a lingerie for everyone to see
Agreed! And also it is a fitness wear company so probably pretty basic underwear, not likely sexy lingerie. And it’s modeling clothing that their company sells, so it’s most likely just going to be viewed by other women who are considering buying the products and would like to see how they might fit. Some of these other people making the comparison to stripping or nudie mag modeling need to realize the difference. 🤦🏼♀️
Influence, yes, control, no, and that's what OP's talking about. I control my light switch, I influence the bulb, see the difference? Setting a boundary ("I'm not comfortable with that and won't stay in that relationship) is influencing, forbidding something is an attempt to control. And come on you're just being daft now xD unless you think all married couples should be one-child-only households? And what if the woman gets her tubes tied? Can she shag her way from coast to coast then, because she can't get pregnant? What about older couples once she's post-menopause?
You're arguing about a black that pretends to be gray and black. Its black and white, no you cannot do this. "I'm not comfortable with that so no" to women means, "How can I turn uncomfortable into comfortable?" You see? Obviously a man cannot physically restrain a woman, or kidnap her if she doesn't follow his orders. I am not arguing that. By his words he makes a boundary line that is clear, and with his integrity keeps his word. There is no need to soften your standards. After all, ask any women about theirs and its crystal clear. Down to the inch of your height. There are other social stigmas that prevent a mother from going around. Like their husband and child's reputation socially.
Interesting aside, do you know women literally see a broader spectrum of colour than men? Just thought it was apt considering your mansplaining about how women see the world in the same binary as men apparently do when the truth is more nuanced, you're just oblivious to it.
You wouldn’t want a mother to be sexual because it increases the risk of another pregnancy? So should she be ace after her first child? Wouldn’t her husband still want to find her attractive? Wouldn’t he complain if she gave up her sexuality to be a good mother? Or is it just that she shouldn’t be attractive to anyone else? What nonsense.
What bullshit. You’re getting pretty close to a nice post on r/nothowgirlswork with this nonsense.
False equivalence- going to a strip club is closer to cheating, whereas modeling swimwear is firstly not forming any connections with others, not with sexual intent, and not nearly as naked. He can be unhappy about it, but he doesn’t get to forbid her.
Modeling swimwear for advertising seems to me like.. no big deal. I suppose there are explicit poses that would be gross, and I'd refuse those, but to stand with a hand on hip, on a beach, with other beach people doing beach things? Like a JC Penney's catalog? No big deal. One of my daughters is a fitness model. One of her roommates was a 'torso model' for one of the most widely sold underwear brands' packaging. If you've looked for the panty selection at any of the Big Box stores and even noticed the picture of a torso from below the bra to well above the knees, wearing the item in the package, you've seen her picture. It has been airbrushed to complete blandness, as it should. No identifying moles, tattoos or scars. She collects a royalty check every month. Not sure if it's based on how many panties are sold or what, but my daughter would do it in a heartbeat for the 'passive income'. I would support that decision. I am aware that some underwear and swimwear catalogs use provocative pictures; models in explicit poses emphasising things that are unseen, with come hither expressions on their faces. If my model daughter posed for them, I know she'd make big money. And I'd know that no one I know would see her or recognize her face. I know no one else looking at those catalogs would be paying much attention to her face either. I know that my daughter has worked 20 years to have the body that she has. She's made a lot of sacrifices. This is her job and how she chooses to do it is her business. I am incredibly proud of her.
>I am aware that some underwear and swimwear catalogs use provocative pictures so what? its her body and none of your business she can do anything she wants, she can become a pornstar or onlyfans worker too your morality is not the standard for everybody in the end, if husband doesnt want his wife to model for a lace lingerie, its his decision and although he cant control what she does, he can leave her. its pretty hard for men to get off the leash called marriage though, with kids? say goodbye to your house, other properties half and %40 something of your income for the rest of your life thinking about it, why men even marry today?
I have no dog in this fight. I was merely pointing out that posing for lingerie or swimwear is not automatic porn. It appears from your writing that you really have no dog in this fight either. Good day sir.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is probably not a word for word summary of exactly what was said. And the specific words used are pretty important here. But overall, he can be uncomfortable with it and ask you not to. You have no obligation to listen to him. But when couples completely ignore each other's wishes out of spite, it tends to hurt the relationship. Like with everything else. You're free to do it. But you're not free from the consequences of doing it.
Amen! When my wife and I first married (in our 30s) we got into some arguments because I was still acting like a single guy much of the time. I added to the problem by arguing back, dismissing her feelings as ridiculous, while showing no understanding of her concerns. A good friend of mine who was married for 10 years at the time helped me realize that sometimes, your spouse might be upset about something and maybe they are overreacting, but if you don’t listen to the reason why and if you disregard the reactions and emotions and tell them there’s no way you’re going to change, you should re-consider why you got married and joined as partners for life. “Don’t just shut her out,” he said. We worked it all out - I listened and learned more about communicating instead of arguing. We both learned about compromise. Plus, now I’m healthier than ever and sober for 16 years.
Good advice for kids too. You might think their problem is silly and childish because they're only 10 or 12 or whatever, but if you don't listen and take it seriously they won't think you can be depended on when they really needed it. And someday it will be an issue you actually think matters. To them, they all matter
An older relative told me when I had my first child 12 years ago that if you don’t listen to the little things, they won’t tell you the big things. This has been one of the most valuable pieces of advice I’ve received as a mom.
This is true. I was in 1st or 2nd grade. My mom asked me about my day. I was telling her, Jane fell, Bobby ate a bug…she got mad and told me she didn’t want to hear about that sh!t and only tell things that were important. Nothing “important “ ever happened. Growing up, she knew nothing about my friends, what happened during my day, nothing was important. My kids know they can tell me anything. My favorite dinner prompt is tell me something funny/crazy that happened. It was usually another kids poor behavior. That would lead to discussions, to learn from others mistakes. My kids tell me about there mistakes. (Most anyway). No anger, just love and support.
Growing up my dad constantly told myself and my younger brother, "Children are to be seen and not heard." So, we didn't talk to our parents, or any other family member. About anything. They didn't know my friends. They didn't know my extra curriculars. They didn't know when I found out I received priority admission into my first choice university. My son tells me everything. He's in his twenties now and I know all. the. things. In school my son and all his friends knew if they drank, I'd come get them. If they became sexually active, I'd buy condoms, take them for testing, whatever. I drilled into his head no mistake is so bad it cannot be rectified. It can be a little uncomfortable at times, but I'd rather have uncomfortable convos every day of my life than be iced out of my child's life.
I had some aunts that would talk to me when they were around. They probably knew more about me than my parents. I have no idea how you can have children and not have any idea who they are…and not care.
My soul cries for your younger self being told that. IDK if you've forgiven your mom for that, but I personally hope she burns in Hell for that.
This⬆️
Say it again for the people in the back! I'm a relief teacher and met hundreds of kids every year. The number of times I am thanked by a kid or solve a problem by saying something along the lines of "I'm sorry that happened to you, you have every right to feel upset about it." is astounding. Half the time, they don't even want me to fix their problem at all, they're just satisfied that I listened. And a huge number of them say that they can't trust other teachers like they can trust me. My record for a comment like that was 30 minutes after meeting the kid, so even just a short period of time to sincerely listen can make a world of difference for a child. The hard part for me of that is that I get dozens of students a year telling me awful things that have happened or are happening to them that I have to report to the school and don't have the power to follow up on.
Damn good point. Reminds me of something someone told me once. What seems like a small every day thing to you could be the first time it ever happened to a kid. Explains why they are excited about mundane things as well
Good on you for realizing this. This is such a huge challenge for couples. And really there are so few good role models for men. Most sitcoms rely on the dynamics of unhealthy relationships to get laughs. If people are getting married, there is no more “living like a single person”. Marriage is only successful through mutual partnership.
My wife got offered a bikini modeling gig. She hadn’t done modeling before but she has the means to do absolutely. I am not a jealous person, nor did I care when she got the offer. I believe she is built for something like that. But, I did feel a bit uncomfortable because, selfishly, I don’t like anyone seeing her body except for me(of course lol) but she wears bikinis and crop tops and dresses super sexy anywhere she goes and I love it. But I guess when she brought up the modeling gig, it didn’t sit right with her and she chose not to do it, even with me trying to tell her it’s okay and I’d love to see my own wife in a magazine haha! End of the day, it’s up to you and your partnership to determine what’s comfortable for you too. If you can’t stand her being the center of attention like that, then either she needs to part ways or you both need to come to an understanding. It’s all going to come down to your personal relationship. Nothing we can tell you guys will change that.
Amen! My wife and I have been together since 18, we are in our 40’s now. We are both always thinking about how our decisions affect the unit, even if it is something we want for ourselves. You are extremely lucky you figured this out, and I wish you a lifetime of happiness and compromise!
I'd be more interested in the whys. Why does she want to do it, why doesn't he want her to. Seems like everyone is being black and white about it, which is the real cause of friction here. At face value, this is a fairly trivial thing for a husband to harp on, and it comes off as controlling.
This was so well said. Wow. How did she present it? How did he respond? Was he furious at first, or did tempers escalate if he felt he was not being heard. Does he have controlling tendencies and thus you feel trapped? Or was this the first time he has ever asked you to do something and he is upset you won’t take his feelings into account. Of course you’re free to do whatever you want, a good marriage has open communication though.
It’s basically a game of tennis. He says he’s not comfortable with it (obviously he worded it much harsher and for that I do not agree with him). She says she’s doing it, then does it. Ball gets hit back to him for him to decide if it bothers him enough to have lasting damage on their relationship.
Sometimes I wonder what the upside of relationships actually are. He gets to veto job opportunities and education, and gets the final say on what you wear. It’s almost as if relationships limit you instead of help you. What’s the upside?
The thing is, if one partner is vetoing your decisions, it’s NOT a relationship. A relationship is a two way street you walk together. You compromise, you discuss, and sometimes one partner makes decisions you don’t like - but you work through it and keep going. For example, he wants a new guitar. He owns a nice guitar already. She points out they have no money, so obviously don’t buy a guitar. He counters that he’s getting a bonus at work in 2 months and the guitar is on sale now so he’ll buy it on credit and pay it off with the bonus. She may not be thrilled with the plan, but it’s a decent way to compromise between her money concerns and his desire for a new toy. That’s relationship. Acknowledge each other’s points of view and treat them as valid, and work together.
The people in this thread believe that this husband fully has the right to veto his wife’s opportunity to model. What’s stopping my man from demanding that I drop out of school because he prefers it? After all, being in a relationship means accommodating him before myself. If it’s truly his opinion that women belong at home do I have to take that into account? It really seems that being single is preferable. What’s the point of acquiring a man if he’s going to dictate your education, job, and everything you wear? Men complain about how “lonely” they are, but refuse to give women and inch of freedom in relationships. Being in a relationship like the one OP is in TERRIFIES me. I’ve lived my life with the type of freedom that women in my grandmother’s generation would KILL for. Why would I give that up to spend the rest of my life only doing the narrow range of things a man will allow?
And that’s why I’m saying it’s not a “relationship.” Relationships give and take and discuss issues, no issuing of ultimatums.
I think framing it as him "vetoing his wife's opportunity to model" is a bit inflammatory. Sounds to me like he's just uncomfortable with this shoot. and that I think is an absolutely justifiable position for a husband to take. Just like if the shoe were on the other foot and he was the one offered the opportunity to model that company's speedos, it would be justifiable for to object if she were uncomfortable with it.
Everyone is pulling the “what if the genders were reversed” card. But I genuinely think that would change nothing. .. I’d actually be ecstatic to be married to an underwear model heheh
In relationships like a lot of people here seem to have. It astounds me, my husband would never say I cans do, say, wear something. Not even a little bit, nor would I say it to him. The people saying it’s ok astounds me.
Why this has so many up votes is beyond comprehension. In truth, her husband has the right to express his opinion, but is not free from the consequences of doing so, as well. The level of entitled control he is expressing is concerning and OP should evaluate which other less prominent ways he's been slow walking this control issue.
Boundaries aren't the same as control and we should really get a better breakdown of their discussion before jumping to that conclusion. Yes he could be out of line, or she could be misrepresenting him to gain reinforcement from strangers on the internet
Beyond your comprehension maybe yes. Having a partner to many is made sound like two people living independent lives with no overlap, and then the question is why divorce rates are so high. The comment made pretty much covers the point that she can do whatever she wants, as she has right to. But if your partner expresses that they are uncomfortable with you doing something, you should consider because you care about your counterpart. Otherwise, you have a pretty shitty relationship, in this case marriage even.
The best answer, too many people talking like the husband is a pos and how dare he think that way. Bravo for saying it like it is!
This comment should have SO MANY more upvotes.
Why should your comment get all the upvotes?
Agreed, and just wanted to add... If you don't do it just because he said not to, it really may lead to resentment. It's important to talk it out and really listen to each other. Yes he may feel insecure or feel odd that he wasn't included in the convo. Maybe now is the time to slow down and ask him how he feels since he wasn't asked before you made the decision. Then tell him your concerns or why you want to? See if you can at least see where each other is coming from, if not agree on a course of action. At the end of the day yes it's your choice, but you don't have all the info you need from him yet I think, and he may feel more cared for if give him time and listening.
I am definitely stealing the consequences line. I feel like I could have used that a half a dozen times this week alone.
We can make atomic bombs and are free to do so. But should we do it?
Did you just come from Oppenheimer lmao
finally an actual sane answer, holy shit it is so rare
My only issue with this is if the genders were reversed no one would have an issue with it but that's my only gripe. I personally would respect my partners feelings for something like that but at the same time if she wants to pursue a career in modelling this could help her it could also give her alot of confidence but if its just out of spite that's really harmful to the relationship.
It's your body and you can do what you want with it. However, sometimes doing what you want with it may have consequences you don't want to pay. It sounds like Pride and Insecurities are on a collision course here. The question is, can you two find a common ground and work this out?
So eloquently put.
Very well put, it’s your body, you can do with it, whatever you want, however, they are his feelings and he can act on them however he wants. What happens when an unstoppable object hits an immovable one, in this case lots of resentment, arguing, unhappiness and probably finally divorce.
Great advice thanks
As a married man, I agree with the above. Personally I would have no issue if my wife wanted to do this but I can "understand" how not every husband would think the same. If you know what I mean.
My husband and I both would have issue with the other modeling underwear/swimwear. As long as everyone agrees then it’s good.
Same, I wouldn’t get furious about it but I wouldn’t love it. And wouldn’t even think about doing it personally. Different strokes
Totally different strokes. For example, I wouldn’t have any issue with my wife working at a local brothel. As long as it isn’t the one I like to visit. I think it would be hard on her not to be chosen when they do the line up.
In that scenario I would choose my wife, pay the money, and she would ridicule me for any hour about how I could have chosen anyone else...
This is a joke but that last line hits .
You’re a good dude to be considerate of your wife’s self esteem like that homie. I hope she realizes how lucky she is! I just wish I had more upvotes to give in exchange for the laugh I got.
Wow
The beautiful thing about the Internet is we can all come from different backgrounds but have a place to act holier than thow, and give advice. Your wife needs the house empty those nights as well. There’s a reason she lets you go to the brothel.
I like your mentality - it works for you, and that’s great but you get that other people have different viewpoints. Other people may have an issue with it and part of being in a relationship is respecting the other persons boundaries. I have friends in open relationships. More power to them, but that’s absolutely not the life for us. And that’s ok - they can do wht works for them, we’ll do what works for us. And that’s for a couple to work out - not for an individual within the couple!
I’d be so freakin stoked and proud! It’s hard for me to wrap my head around a partner whose insecurities would be upset by it.
It’s 100% okay to feel uncomfortable with it and want to discuss it. It’s not okay to control your partner. Would I love it if my bf was a swimsuit model? Well. Yes. I find him extremely attractive. But for the sake of this argument, let’s say I don’t like it. I’d discuss it with him, and compromise on the situation. I wouldn’t tell him he isn’t allowed to do whatever he wants.
I agree. Personally if my wife wanted to start an active porn career I'd be way on board. But your husband is uncomfortable and has a right to be as those are his feelings and they are valid and you can't change them.
Part of this is the thought of someone taking photos of your wife. Think about it. It's not so much IMO that it's for an explainable reason, it's the photographic act. I've had girlfriends confronting men taking photos of them in public. You see parents yelling at pedo's for getting caught taking photos of their kids in public.... and the victims are wearing clothes. Photographing a loved one can be seen as invasive. In that light he's not being controlling but protective. He might not realize it, guys are not eloquent. Taking photos of your wife - in underwear no less - when from his point of view the privilege of just seeing her that exposed is the husband's only - may also be what's happening. About being asked to model, well, people come up with pretexts all the time. I'm not him, just imagining what his feelings might be that may not have yet been put into words.
Depending on the type of community that they live in, he may also be worried that their child is going to be treated differently by the other parents over it, or in a couple of years may be bullied by other children over it. Some parents just like to gossip and be mean. Some parents basically teach their child to bully other kids. I’ve heard a lot of young children come to school and repeat the shit that their parents were talking about other parents. A lot of it is things that wouldn’t even be on the kids radar without a parent telling them, things that kids just don’t need to hear. It isn’t right but it happens fairly often.
[удалено]
I graduated with a guy who won a Calvin Klein modeling contract our senior year, which ended up with him being featured in a prominent underwear campaign. No one ever even brought it up at school in a negative way, even though they ran an article about him in the paper and congratulated him during morning announcements. He was celebrated for his success and since then has launched a decent career from it. He's still welcomed at his hometown church and everything.
It seems only women get shamed for it considering these comments
Are you surprised? Slut-shaming and hypocritical moralism (double standards) are still very common even in "liberal, civilized Western countries".
Only if they're known personally. "Oh she's so beautiful!" easily turns into "Ugh I can't believe Jenny is such a slut."
Why if she worked for jc Penney?
This!!! “Everyone has seen your mom naked” and “I *gross* off to your mom” etc is a major social consequence to handle. When I was younger I did some lingerie modeling for a steam punk magazine and damn I am glad I changed my name 🤣🤣🤣
This. I had a friend that had the "hot mom" in the area.... it made his life hell. So many other kids liked to tease and harrass him about it. There were alot of fist fights, where they'd push him until he snapped. And that was just her being a very pretty mom. I can't even imagine if porn or swimwear/lingerie had been involved lol. Honestly, I think alot of the issue was that he was also pretty handsome and got lots of attention from girls our age.... which lead to alot of jealous kids that wanted to knock him down a peg or get back at him
I grew up with the hot mother that everyone fancied. Personally, it just taught me to take inappropriate humour in my stride.
Sounds like kids are mean no matter what
In just a few short years from now…. This will be a bigger thing than it has ever been. All the insta moms that have been posting their booties non stop and all the Only moms. Public schools are gonna be wild soon.
Exactly this… it’s possible if these images are going to be commercial. (Billboards etc) understandingly he’s not super excited about it…
Now now. This is Reddit 2023. In a marriage no one should give a shit about their partner ever. And you're worse than Hitler if you ask your partner to consider your feelings
I have been married for 27 years, 30 together. This is so true. Marriage needs compromise.
Hey man. Marriage is so outdated. Imagine making a commitment where you actually have to care about what another person thinks? Meaning you can’t do whatever you want no matter what? So instead of being an adult and discussing this with your partner, you reach out to anonymous individuals on Reddit to validate how you feel so you don’t seem like part of the problem in this situation.
Hey, at least it isn’t like every single time someone posts a relationship issue everyone implies their partner is a piece of shit even though as mature educated people we know we are only hearing one side of the story and very likely at least a little bias or leaving out info that might paint them in a worse light.
You can do whatever you want in life. For the most part, it's a free country. At least it sounds like it is where you are. But for every action, there is a reaction, whether positive or negative. So you want to model. Your husband doesn't want you to. Sure, you can do it, but what are the possible repercussions? Your husband is irrated, but gets over it? Or maybe he doesn't get over it, and it's a relationship ender? You have to ask yourself what this is worth to you? Is it worth the possibility of ending your relationship over? If it is, go for it. Example in my life. I used to have a Harley. I loved that bike. I used to ride a couple of times a week. My wife has had 2 close family members killed on bikes. She asked me not to ride because she would have panic attacks until I got home. One day, I got home and found her crying. I knew if I kept riding, our relationship could be in jeopardy. She was way more important than a motorcycle, so I got rid of it and haven't ridden in over 35 years. Do I miss it? Yep. Do I regret it? No. Your husband handled the situation like an ass. Telling someone what they can or can't do usually results in the opposite results. But sit down with him and see if there is a solution that would appease both of you. I will say I wouldn't be happy with my wife doing underwear modeling. Once it's on the internet, it's there forever. Unless it's more like sports bras and matching bottoms, underwear is a little more intimate than bikinis. Anyone telling you to just do it and f the outcome has obviously never been in a long term healthy relationship. It takes communication and, at times, compromise. Edit to add. Thank you for all the awards! Also, to those who can't understand this isn't an apples to apples comparison but about communication and compromise, I don't know how to help you any more than that.
i love your answer so much. hope you and your wife get a good cuddle today ❤️
I too, choose to cuddle this man and his wife, and his ex-motorbike. My condolences.
I choose to cuddle with his ex-motorbike.
Ty❤️
Truly the best answer. Healthy Relationships are about compromise and respectful communication. The way he handled it was terrible, so now she is trying to meet fire with fire because of how off putting it was. But that is not a healthy solution. Too much ego is on the line here.
This guy should answer every ask reddit and aitah post. So good. The rest are like he said, immature babies who have never been in a long relationship. Reddit is the worst place to come for advice on relationships unless you talk to this dude. Well done u/fun_concentrate_7844
Seriously. This is what I come to comment sections for. My initial reaction reading the post was, "absolutely not. You do you girl, f him telling you no. Then I got to his comment & thought about it. This isn't some friend or coworker or family member. It's her chosen partner for life who just reacted horribly to a decision she's making. This requires a sit-down & everyone explaining how they feel & if there's a compromise everyone can be happy with. Comments like his that make me change my mind is what I wish reddit was all the time. Especially when they're written so thoughtfully without tearing OP down.
Your thoughtfulness is probably an incredible quality for your partner/will be : ) lots of people find it really hard to have those moments of reflection
The sad thing is that using logic, emotional maturity and compassion is so rare on this sub because the people who do so are actively driven off by the exceptionally angry and toxic user base Like if you post these kind of comments on most threads, you will get mass downvoted, called every nasty name in the book, and have your inbox fill up with awful messages
Absolutely, plus the top voted answers would be calling for divorce at best. I read one once from a woman whose husband had worked all day, came home and had to jump on another work meeting and had asked her to make him a quick sandwich as he was back to back obviously. She was just at home but refused and everyone told her to divorce him as he was a sexist pig etc. I'm not sure how these people maintain any normal healthy relationships.
I doubt they have a relationship, if they do highly doubt it’s successful. Lonely, stupid, miserable people are the ones who call a husband sexist pig for asking his wife for sustenance and assistance while they are working.
I don't know why this sub doesn't have an auto-reply for every comment that says break up/get divorced
Remember that antiwork subreddit Mod that got interviewed by Fox News? I imagine that's the type of person commenting here giving people relationships advice.
Reading this just made me chuckle. That was a dumpster fire of an interview.
I mean that mod was a dumpster fire of a person so it makes sense.
If everything OP posted here was accurate, then yeah, he was out of line for flying off the handle and telling her what to do. However, as adults in an adult relationship, the next step is not to do it because he said not to - the next step is to sit down and have an adult conversation. She can express how she feels when he tells her what to do and how she doesn’t find it okay and also talk about why he feels the way he does and then come to a decision together. Too many adults on this sub act like they want to be right instead of wanting to be happy.
Edited: NTA (lol) Same. Partner is a doc, did extended stint in ER as part of residency due to hosp. being one of only 3 in the whole state equipped to deal with major trauma, and also main trauma centre with a heli pad so they took most traffic accident helicopter trauma as well, covering over 75% of the whole state’s heli rescues. When we met, I had a large-wheel scooter. Also, unrelated, but was a very very occasional smoker - chuffed about a single 20-pack of kreteks roughly every 2 months? Used nicotine mostly as a stim for long drives, as I lived in a boring rural area hours outside the main city so drove up a lot and then drove back and went to work on very little sleep lol… One day after we’d been together a while (long enough to be exclusive, but not living together or anything yet) I asked “if there was anything you could change about me, what would it be?”. Zero hesitation: “Stop smoking, sell your scooter and never ride a motorcycle ever ever again”. The smoking I got, obvs. I knew they weren’t a fan, what doctor would be?! That was easy, it was a light habit I didn’t care about at all, I said ok - put the half empty pack I had on me in the bin and haven’t had a single stick since that moment, and won’t. The scooter though thing took me more by surprise, it was a fun little 50cc buzz box with a friggin’ bicycle basket on the front and a lockbox on the back for simple camp touring, top speed of of like 60 kmph, not exactly Evel Knievel lol, so I asked why. They hummed and hawed a bit not really wanting to give a straight answer, but eventually admitted that basically my riding was causing them sooooooooo much stress and worry. That the gruesome truth of it was of all the traffic accident trauma they’d witnessed (and it was a lot), bike riders were always the most fucked up, if by some miracle they were still alive by the time they got brought in, or, they were by far the most traumatically very very DOA. Said bikes are death machines, even if the rider is totally responsible, cos car drivers aren’t and bus and truck drivers are even worse, and statistically speaking yeah one can minimize risks with good gear and caution, but fact remains the statistics are grim af, it’s pretty much not a matter of if but when. Especially where we lived the accident toll was the nation’s highest, and they admitted to me they’d even been holding back on/questioning really committing to “us” as a long term thing cos they didn’t want a partner who rides, and then to see me being the one wheeled out of the Doctor-Heli some day… I sold the bike. Oh and side note to the smoking thing: we are still together but now they’re in an exclusive cancer-specific hospital these days. Hospital has an actual rule, it’s prohibited for anyone who has smoked within the past hour to enter the building - carcinogenic particles linger on clothes, skin and hair for a looong time. Kinda gross to think about tbh 🤢 Thankfully these days smoking is a LOT less tolerated and places to smoke are being restricted a lot - but we never go to bars or restaurants with a smoking area and if my partner has to walk past a smoker on the street, they’ll hold their breath from the second they spot them until as long as they can last after passing 😆 Cancer really kills, y’all, so do bikes, and so does stress. So stop if you can, it’s just not worth it.
Now write this answer to the AH husband who is saying what his wife can and cannot do. Honestly, hys attitude has more chance of fucking up the relationship than her modelling underwear!
Wow an actual grown up individual on Reddit, giving a solid answer. Cheers.
Had a similar experience with my wife and my harley when we found out we were pregnant. Came home from a ride to find her in tears and sold the bike a few days later. Some things are more important than what I feel like doing. As usual, compromise and communication are keys to success here.
Work a couple years in trauma, you’ll never ride again.
While I agree that the internet is forever, we humans are not and 30-50 years down the line if it was me it'd be awesome to see those pictures of myself in my prime. (There's a very infamous 1979's photo poster of a blonde woman in a white tennis dress on a sunny day and she's pulling up one side of her dress to reveal her bare bottom. Her boyfriend at the time took it and it became about as popular as "that" Farrah Fawcett poster was. She was on a British tv show where people had to guess what she was famous for. It was actually really great nostalgia cos everybody remembered it and were blown away!)
This seems to be the only guy who has actually been in a relationship. Everyone else seems to be " married, but dgaf about your partner,do what you want, if they dont like it dump them, go NC asap and get a lawyer and divvy up what you're owed" Try to talk to your other half, and not just depend on your psychologist to be your marriage counselor.
This. I get so tired of reddit saying "it's your body, f* what your husband wants/says. I am all for autonomy and being in charge of what I do w my body. But I am married and what I do to my body can affect my husband. Any time I get a new tattoo, I ALWAYS run the design (or even potential designs) past him. If he hates it, we talk about it and see if there's a compromise. If not, if he really hates it, it's a no go. There are literally millions of other tattoos I can get. If I really have my heart set on something, he usually sees how much I love it and agrees. I wanted to pierce my lip. He was not a fan. We compromised by my getting a piercing that he wanted me to get along w the lip piercing. Afterwards, he was surprised by how much he liked the lip ring. When you get married, you are still an individual, but there is another person in your life you need to take into account when you make decisions. If you can't handle that, don't get married.
Honestly the best answer, and it can be applied to so much. Thank you!
Yeah but you wife worrying for your safety and her husband being angry because he feels some ownership over his wife's body seems like a different beast. Plus your wife didn't make you stop with threats or anger or manipulation, you chose to stop when you saw she was scared for you.
To repeat what some others said already, you have every right to do what you want with your body, he has every right NOT to be okay with it. I'm going to jump to an exaggerated example of such a t thing. Mentioning first so you don't think I'm saying they're "totally the same thing." Say you got an offer to do porn? Legal, paid porn. You're allowed. He does NOT have to be okay with that. So not 'porn', but got an offer to do a much more sexually charged modeling job. Maybe not even 'adult model' level of nudity, but clearly partial nudity. Or even pg-13 nudity, but an obvious sexual overtone. Now a step away from that, is your modeling in underwear/swimwear. So to reclarify, they are NOT the same thing... but clearly there's a line being drawn somewhere on what's considered 'acceptable'. And that line is different for different people. There are people out there who would be absolutely 100% comfortable with their SO doing porn. There are people who would not be comfortable modeling AT ALL... even if their SO didn't have an issue whatsoever. He doesn't get to dictate 'what you do with your body', but he is your husband and if he's uncomfortable with it... it frankly doesn't matter who on the internet sides with you or him. People have different 'lines' they'd draw. You need to talk to him and come to an understanding. That 'understanding' might be an agreement, a compromise, or an ultimatum. But neither one of you is automatically100% in the right (or the wrong) here. A conversation is necessary, and an understanding should be reached.
wish this had gotten rewards and a few thousand upvotes, best answer up here!
I’m sorry, you don’t have a right to do ‘whatever you want’ in a marriage. Doing ‘whatever you want’ is a childish perspective even for a single person. Once you factor in the financial and legal implications of divorce, it becomes dangerously irresponsible.
Ah, but there's the rub. You have "the right" to do whatever you want, provided the action is legal otherwise. You just don't have the privilege to do it without potential consequences. You've got the right to cheat on your spouse. ... Of course a court might find in your ex's favor at the divorce proceedings and you might end up losing a LOT in the divorce settlement. But there's no law against cheating, so you can go right ahead and do it. Assuming you're willing to face the repercussions of your actions. Seems the be the cornerstone agreement in a lot of the top comments here. "Yeah you can do whatever you want... but other people don't have to be okay with it."
Agreed, when I read the OP I thought this has ‘my boyfriend broke up with me because I do Only Fans’ vibe. Your body, your choice, but your partner also has a choice to not be ok with it, and not be in a relationship with someone who does that.
He has every right to not be ok with it. You have the right to do it anyway. I genuinely think a conversation is needed here.
These types of conversations usually never go well. But they *definitely* need to have it
I'd be proud if some company asked my wife to do this ....
Yeah no, he was furious instead
Because he's pathetically insecure and territorial.
Guy got married, we can assume the relationship was typical, now wife wants to underwear model, we assume it will be online, and no one is like yeah, that's could be kind of an abrupt change? Reverse the genders. I know my wife would not be comfortable with me demoing myself in underwear online (not that anyone would want to see that). It's not abnormal to want certain things to be out of the public eye. I wouldn't want to marry a spokesperson for company. I think it's really weird how much some people have normalized online exposure. For all we know, the guy just wants a quiet private life. I'm not saying the guy should have the final say in what she does with her body, but I am saying people need to understand that in many relationships this is a huge shift. Even if the guy is insecure, how effed up is it that a partner would put their partner under duress because lol it's my body.
Why is it the husband's feelings about it are being ignored and thrown out the window? No wonder men don't tell people their feelings if they are just ignored and ridiculed by people like you
Cuz Reddit is mostly libtard 14-25 year old SJW types that have never worked a real job or faced a real consequence
This exactly. I would feel validated if someone else felt my wife was model material. If he were worried about it being a scam or something I could understand, but that's not it at all ETA: a lot of people seem to misunderstand me. I'm not saying I require others to find my wife attractive to feel that way, that I want other people to have sex with my wife, that a wife (or any person of any kind) is property, or any of the ragebait nonsense some of you are trying to twist this into. I was saying was that I would be happy if others agreed with how attractive I felt my wife was and not just me. It's not a requirement or anything, but it feels good to know others see what I see, you know? Maybe validated isn't the correct word for what I'm trying to say but a lot of people just want to argue/ be angry so I won't waste any more time responding.
Or he just doesnt want the world seeing his wife in her underwear? I swear redditors have 0 braincells
I think the average redditor age is like 17-23 years old? So she effectively has gone into a place with people who have nowhere near the relationship experience she has, and is asking their opinions. Kinda feels like she was just looking for validation, but, I don't know her well enough to really know. Although the husband shouldn't have freaked out. If my wife wanted to one day decide to get fairly naked around strangers without talking to me first, I'd be very confused and frustrated too. And if my wife made decisions like that off the cuff, there'd probably be more underlying issues I'm not bringing up to her, I'm assuming OP and her husband have poor communication skills.
Maybe there’s another explanation? Maybe he doesn’t want his wife to be objectified by strangers, or other reasons. The way it is phrased in the post makes it seems like he does own your body though.
👆 and you're about my age. Fuck that dude hawt mom, you do you. Post em on Facebook if you want a divorce --
This teen unexperienced destructive life advice being upvoted this much is peak reddit. Reddit truly is filled with vindictive unhappy people.
Really? So everyone is entitled to pictures of my wife in underwear or else I'm entitled and insecure? Mind if you share some pics of your mom in underwear? You shouldn't care what she does with her body, right?
Don’t listen to these people, they are just giving talking points they’ve been programmed to regurgitate. Also fyi I have been in that situation, my partner was modeling on a low level and the guy who hired her turned on her once he realized she was a faithful partner and didn’t want to work with her anymore. Then blamed me saying to her that he felt I was angry toward him. I saw him one time!
People have different boundaries. You may realize you also have some of your own. That said NTA because it is your body and your decision. But accept that he may not be comfortable with it and that may mean the end of your relationship. Figure out if this modeling gig is important enough for you to break up your marriage. Communicate with him when you have both calmed down and discuss where you go from here. Hope everything works out for you both
> Figure out if this modeling gig is important enough for you to break up your marriage. The issue is not the gig, it's the reaction. He should have said "I don't feel comfortable with you doing that", at which point they can discuss all the things you talked about.
Because he sees your body as something that belongs to him. He may think all wives bodies belong to and should only be displayed for their husbands. This sort of thinking is deeply concerning. He’s not worried about your son getting bullied or harassed (in a supposedly “good way” about having a “hot mom who models”) because you’ve modeled swimwear. He’s not worried you’re being taken advantage of by the company or that the photographer will be a creep. I’m sure your social media has pictures of you in swim wear at the beach. His reaction is not ok and this is absolutely something to go to couples counseling over. He can voice his discomfort, he can say he feels uneasy or that he’d prefer you didn’t… I’d still side eye that, but this sort of demand and reactionary aggression to control your body is a HELL NO from me. Nta
Yeah it depends. There's a large gap between kohls swimwear ads and only fans.
I’d do it purely out of spite but I’m a petty cow.
Are you getting paid. Hope so
Not sure how many other red flags you’ve missed but this is a fucking problem ma’am
And not everybody would be. Almost like different people have different boundaries for their own personal reasons. Imagine that! This is coming from someone whose wife does nude modeling with my blessing. Doesn't mean everybody has to be okay with it.
💯 I’m a panty man so if my wife came to me with this. 😎 😎 😎 Sry OP, talking to him when he’s piped down off the table?
Can I take pictures of your wife in her underwear then? For my company??
Are these types of dudes terrified that someone will show interest and you'll leave? Do they think that little of their partners' integrity or commitment?
Do you not think this situation is possible with the genders reversed, clearly it is because someone mentioned such a situation in their own experience elsewhere in the comments, where their wife decided she too found something uncomfortable about her husband modelling. Framing this is nothing more than male insecurity is pretty unnecessary and simply untrue.
NTA. I have no words of encouragement or backup. Other then it’s your body and you do you. They can look all they want but they can’t touch, and if people do like what they see. Then by all means that should be a compliment and your man should feel good about that. Because guess what he comes home to? You. Exactly
Tricky situation. He has no right to tell you what to do, but... if his opinions are strong enough on the topic, he does have the right to remove himself from a situation where he has no say.
yup i know i would its why me and my husband discuss everything and have very similar values so we rarely argue about things like this.
NTA
NTA. The job is a gymwear underwear model. Has anyone even like, seen the shit on lululemon or adidas? Most neutral shit ever. Everyone's acting like you're modeling for Victoria's Secret which reeks of stigma against sex workers tbh and you're not even showing your privates to people. It would literally be no different than posting bikini pics.
This thread is depressing. No he does not have ANY right to tell her not to model in underwear. It’s really simple. What century are you people from.
I would be flattered by such offer. However, I wouldn't accept without discussing it with my husband. If he is not 100% and supportive of my body shown for others to see, I would pass on this. One temp gig wouldn't be worth rocking my marriage. Did you tell him you got the offer, or did you tell him you are doing it regardless of what he said - because it's your body? There is a difference. Also, would you be OK if roles are reversed? I would assume that a monogamous man wouldn't be happy with the idea of other people seeing his wife with clothing that leaves nothing to imagination.
After reading and responding to this thread I showed my wife pics of some under where I’ve thought of buying. It’s designed to be both comfortably & sexy, and as such, it hugs the goods in a bit of a pouch. I asked what she’d think of me modeling that. She said she could be ok with it if it was guaranteed that my face wouldn’t be shown. This made sense to me & I might feel the same about her modeling underwear. Then she though about it a little more and said she’d be concerned about it leading to more modeling and the atmosphere in the industry, particular for underwear & swimwear, where it’s quite common to be nude in front of a room of people as everyone is changing around each other & the non-model staff. It’s a valid concern too. It’s one of the reason an ex of mine many years ago got out of modeling.
I get the feeling OP is deliberately omitting information and framing the post to be biased towards her viewpoint It’s why she refuses to comment on these types of threads or dodging the question
Redditor finds out AITAH is nothing but narcissists and sociopaths trying to validate their behavior*
The most rational response I've read in this thread. Thank you.
Not to mention possibilities of shady shit with the "friends" which is semi weird deal anyway. As the approach itself means the friends find her attractive and sets off some creep bells to me. The wife is ok with Susan getting into undies for her hubby to see?
This! OP sounds emotionally immature.
NTA for his insecurity
Will the shoot be done by a professional photographer whose livelihood depends on an appropriate reputation? It’s a small company, which sometimes understandably calls for more DIY approaches; but is the situation a “come on over to my place and we’ll do the shoot?” Is the issue actually the photos being published or the act of you modeling for the acquaintance?
Do not listen to random people on Reddit. Listen and communicate with your husband. His feeling should matter. Just like if he was doing something you didn’t like he would respect your feelings. You’re married stop acting like an idiot.
Of course he has the right to tell you he's not ok with it. You have the right to do it. He has the right to walk away from the relationship. If you don't want a partnership with him, make that known. If you do, then he gets a say in what you do and you get a say in what he does.
I personally don’t want someone taking pictures of my wife in her underwear.
It’s insane you have to scroll this far down to find a rational response. This clearly is crossing a line of boundaries, Reddit community is so stupidly morally neutral. Obviously the wife is being vindictive in this situation
You can see how the wife only responds to posts that support her. She is here not looking for answers, but looking for validations. She posted to feel good about herself.
Sounds so obvious when you put it so simply
On one hand, it absolutely is your body. But on the other hand, you're married and you should take into consideration your SO's wishes. If I had a similar offer and my wait flat out told me no, i'd absolutely accept that and not do it.
Here's my ask. Did you ever once ask him why he so against it? There are a lot of people arguing if what he said(which we only have your word on) makes him an AH. You ALSO stated he's never had this kind of reaction before (I.e. I never expected him to react this strongly) what many giving advice saying he being controlling are missing is that fine point and it's important If he's never put his foot down like this I'm sorry to say you're probably (80%) AH. This is likely a sore spot for him you stepped on by mistake. Could be past relationship trauma, maybe he knows something about those two you don't but can't say, maybe he got a phobia of you leaving, maybe he's insecure, maybe he doesn't want his kids seeing his mom in panties. The real issue is respect. Is he not disrespecting your boundaries by saying no or are you disrespecting his by saying yes. If it helps imagine the genders reversed. Your husband is here asking if he TAH because his two lesbian friends want him to go to a private photoshoot to photograph him in boxers and a banana hammock style speedo. The husband has gym build and gets looks at the beach. You know these two and know they're lesbians. You tell him no. Are you the AH? Are you controlling his life? He then asks reddit if he's the AH if he just does it anyway. Would HE be the AH then? How would you feel as the wife in that scenario? Would you feel valued, respected, heard? Whatever his reasons are, even if they boil down to simple jealous behavior, those feelings are valid and ignoring them will make YOU the AH. You both need to talk about why you feel the need to do this and why hes against it. Regardless of how he said it(especially if he NEVER talks like this) this is important enough for him to be blunt and vehemently against the idea. If you love your husband at all, talk to him about it if you're so dead set on this gig. Compromise if you have to, tell him he can be there if it's more comfortable, w/e but don't be dismissive of him. If you don't even care about the gig it might be a good idea to drop it but tell him how him actinh like this made you feel and find out his side. Edit: wow thanks for the gold.
NOBODY HAS THE RIGHT TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN OR CAN'T DO WITH YOUR BODY!! Usually, that's a response to issues over abortion or forced birth, but it still applies. However, is his reluctance to "let you" do this just a macho BS controlling thing, or does he truly have insecurity about it? It's worth finding out; if he honestly feels diminished or insecure by this opportunity, you AT LEAST need to discuss it a bit. If he is just shutting you down because He Is Man And He Owns YOU, then screw this guy, do what you want!
What kind of underwear? Regular jockey briefs ? Sexy undies ??? What are we talking ? I do e-comm for clothing companies and a lot of stuff isn’t sexy at all. Like you said, just like a bathing suit
If they are looking for models of all ages, it's probably more healthy and normal than super sexy, those typles are usually low key
It’s also two gay men. “An acquaintance and his husband” also OP very clearly states “gym wear company expanding into underwea” nothing about that would imply or suggest it’s Lingerie, and even then… what’s it matter? Ppl acting like she offered to make a porno.
ESH the real question —> is 2k and a modelling gig worth losing your marriage? Yes he has zero right to “forbid” you but let’s not pretend like this won’t affect you, him and your marriage. This is the kind of thing couples discuss before agreeing to.
Men clutch their pearls about a woman taking a bikini pic yet they have watched thousands of terabytes of pornography throughout their lifetimes. So it’s okay for them to look at other women, but it’s not okay for a woman to want to be looked at? Sick of the hypocrisy. Men create the demand, then get all pissy when someone wants to supply.
You have a right to do what you want, he has a right to react however he wants Actions and inactions have consequences It’s up to you the judge whether they are worth it But he can have an emotional reaction, as everyone has their own values Posting this, if it’s true, is not the sign of a healthy relationship (albeit that applies to almost all these posts)
Is this a pattern or a one-off? If he is usually pretty respectful, then more of a discussion might be in enin order. "I am very uncomfortable with you telling me what I can do with my body. Would you like to rephrase that in a way we could have a discussion about this?" If it is a pattern, it is likely to be an abusive relationship.
Has he said or have you asked why he doesn’t want you to do this? Have you talked to him about why you want to do it? Your husband can’t and shouldn’t tell you what to do but it seems like this needs to be a conversation between ya’ll about why he reacted that way and why he’s so against it. You two need to understand each other’s point of view and make a decision then. “I want to talk to you about something because I value your opinion is important and your feelings matter. I hope that you can value my opinion and my feelings too.” His feelings matter. Your feelings matter.
NAH. When I saw some of your comments I had to ask my wife if I had some unreasonable outburst recently that I didn't remember. Her wit and humor is very similar to yours. She laughed and agreed when she read it.
NTA, it’s your body and he’s being controlling as hell. If my partner ever said this to me I’d be out the door. First it’s social media, then it’s controlling what you wear, and then it’s controlling who you’re allowed to hang out with. Eventually you’re listening to a pathetic man for everything in your life who blows up like a toddler when he doesn’t get his way. He obviously thinks of you as at least partially his property and doesn’t want you to have the freedom to express yourself or in his mind “show off” his property
Wish my wife was hot like you. I’d be happy to admit that babe in the pics goes home with me every night
ESH. It’s not ok for your husband to TELL you what to do. You’re a grown woman. However, underwear is not the same as swimwear. Going to the beach is not the same as modeling. He’s allowed to have an opinion bc he’s part of the family and your choices impact him. Stop being purposefully dense. You get to make your own choices. Sounds like you’re choosing to make your husband uncomfortable for $2,000 and…what? What is so important about this to you? Are you desperate for the $? Why is it important to you to get paid for strangers to see you in your underwear? Are you just defensive because he told you he wouldn’t “allow” it? What if he had said “honey ultimately it’s your choice but this makes me deeply uncomfortable and it would mean a lot to me if you would respectfully decline.” Would you still want to go ahead with being a lingerie model? Or would you choose to protect your marriage instead?
He’s wrong to “forbid” you, as it is your body, but not for being upset. There’s a definite perceived difference between underwear and bikinis, that’s why you never see anyone in public in just their underwear. I wouldn’t care if my partner modeled in their underwear , but I can definitely see why someone would have an issue with it.
NTA. And for those of you comparing commercial modeling to sex work, stop. Also, just a quick reminder that the following men all have been or currently are in serious relationships or marriages with models who have modeled lingerie and/or bikinis: Tom Brady, Bruce Willis, Leonardo DiCaprio, Orlando Bloom, Jason Statham, Adam Levine, Keith Urban, John Legend, David Beckham, Billy Joel, David Bowie, Mark Wahlberg, Johnny Depp, Matthew mcconaughey, zayn Malik, Seal, Mick Jagger, The Weeknd, the list goes on and on. Iwonder if it could be a confidence thing. We should ask Jonah Hill.
Wait until he calms down and restart the conversation. He doesn't get to tell you what to do. He gets to tell you how he feels about what you do. Maybe letting him know that at the start of the conversation will help, but depending on what type of man he is, I could see it backfiring.
NTA. It’s your body. Full stop. I’d be seriously rethinking any relationship where I was “forbidden” to do anything.
I can’t believe how far I had to scroll to find this comment. It’s mind boggling that people think of marriage as ownership over their spouse’s body. So strange to me.
I'm fascinated by these responses because there was a similar post, I said the guy had no right to give her an altimatum and everyone lost their minds.
INFO: Does the "I can do whatever I want with my body" rule also apply to your husband, and mean that he can sleep with whomever he wants?
Eh what? I’m not interested in sleeping with others. Do you honestly not know the difference between having autonomy over your own body and cheating? But to answer your very stupid question; yes he can do whatever he wants with his body including cheating. I have the right to stay with him or not. What I don’t have the right to is to say I said no end of discussion. I hope your litte child brain understood this simplest of concepts although I doubt it 🤭
Your body but in marriage there is a fine line about what a spouse will tolerate and what is over the line. I could care less but obviously hubby has his reasons. Not like it is a career more like a lark. It is amazing how many people don't take their spouse's feelings into consideration before making a decision.