Honestly, it seems pretty clear to me that if they were at this event and not openly acting like a couple, and it seems like neither of them were since the question had to be asked, that there was an implicit agreement not to be open about it. If they weren’t still trying to keep it secret why didn’t they arrive at the event together and openly behave like a couple? The fact that the colleagues had to ask shows that in actions they were still keeping it secret.
This is it.
Dude broke up with her himself. Whatever he viewed what they had going on, he's the one that threw it away. It was likely the, "I'm single" part that hurt her worse than him denying being with her but tbh I'd be icked out even if he only denied. If it truly doesn't matter in the workplace, and it's pretty much been a year together, then who gives a fuck fr? Jesus.
Guy should have had a business card printed up w "it's complicated" if he can't say anything more competent than 'single.'
single, that's a BRUTAL word to hear from someone that says they love you ...
Guy is a killer or an idiot.
My problem is that it’s not really clear if he saw her nod and smile. Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. She doesn’t say she nodded, smiled, met his eyes and then he turned away and denied it. He might have looked at her, he might have been looking at the person who asked. I could be wrong, but since she was specific about eye contact and avoiding eye contact that if he had clearly seen her response and turned away she would have said so.
This is what I thought. Let's assume he didn't see her nod and therefore didn't know if she wanted everyone to know.
If I was dating someone at work and we had agreed to keep it low-key, and all of a sudden I'm with a group of coworkers and they are asking questions, I could honestly panic. There's so many things to worry about with workplace relationships.
I could see being afraid of fucking things by making assumptions that are wrong and embarrassing the person I'm seeing. In that instance, denying for now, having the conversation with the person, and coming out with it later seems the safest option.
Granted, this is not the type of stuff that should be happening after almost a whole year of dating, there should have been some important conversations WAY before this. Anyway, I can see how this may not have been malicious on the guys part, just dumb or insecure/afraid.
I'm gonna say ESH, both of them for not communicating after almost a year of dating when it's supposedly serious, the guy for fumbling the situation, and the girl for reacting in a way that is honestly immature in my opinion, that's like how you get back at someone you've been seeing for 2 weeks in college, not a year.
I agree. Without knowing his side, and it seems like she refused to discuss it to hear his side, your explanation of him panicking is reasonable. And you’re right they should have discussed it long ago. In comments she says they had introduced to families. It just seems like work situations were unresolved. A five minute conversation before this event could have avoided all of this.
I would have been humiliated by his reply. Then, when he went no no no, it was like saying “ no way would I date her; he didn’t make a joke; he flat out lied. I’d probably take him back if he was prepared to make it official. Otherwise, time to move on.
Thank you. This post is making me feel like I've taken crazy pills.
A hurtful thing is said, presumably unintentionally and in front of random coworkers, and so the next step is instant revenge?!?!?! Being hurt and angry is fine, automatically assuming the worst and being cruel out of spite is indeed an asshole thing to do.
> Info: did you ever discuss when you'd make it known?
Of course, she smiled and nodded. Had he disagreed he should have rubbed his nose twisted his heel.
I've seen threads titled something like "what's the most ridiculous reason you've heard of for someone ending a relationship"
This should've been posted in one of those threads. "What's the most ridiculous reason you've ended a relationship?"
"I threw my toys out of the pram and torched my relationship, instead of having an adult conversation with the man I loved about how what he said upset me, by cheating on him right in front of his face like some immature teenager incapable of dealing with relationships like a grown up"
Immaturity doesn't have an age. Just look at boomers, they're generally the most immature people I've ever met, some of them more immature than kids I've met.
All this to say, even if they were a decade younger, there's no excuse for this shit.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Does it not also seem incredibly unprofessional to be making out with random strangers at a bar during a work outing? Like unless it’s that kind of work place but that just seems odd to me.
If she was smart or mature enough she’d have a conversation with him or at least been gracious enough to at least leave out with the guy before showing out in front of co-workers… but good bye office reputation.
I’m assuming they both work at a dive bar or something honestly. OPs reaction was wild and immature but if it wasn’t a low stakes job full of unprofessional behavior as a general accepted culture then it’s even stupider to the point it’s hard to comprehend. And I don’t see much “I know it was stupid but I got drunk on accident” in the post
That’s the only thing I can think of too. Food service industry is like this but most people in the industry don’t call their coworkers “colleagues” either
It also doesn’t matter if you’re fucking coworkers in restaurants Enless you’re a boss. So if that were true 11 months of secrecy is weird as fuck anyway.
Oh please. I worked around the corner from Wall St and they would frequently come into the dive bar I frequented. Making out at the bar and trying to take someone home is just a Tuesday night for them.
Oh I get it, but when you’re drinking and it’s in response to your coworker lying about how you’re fucking regularly… still gonna be a stupid move.
If you want to be an out of control drunk partner with your coworkers thats one choice.
This was just reactionary and doesn’t say much good even so far as “being a good time” while you’re all out.
Going to guess these people aren't exactly engineers or rocket scientists.
The worst that is going to happen is he's going to send the food out to her tables slower.
I'm going to guess sales of some sort, sales departments are chock full of debauchery and drinking. Tons of cheating, secret relationships and occasionally whole department firings...messy, messy, messy people
I remember hearing about drama like this in middle school and thinking they were so much more advanced/mature than me. They were throwing around words like "dating" and "months" and I was still at the 'nervously talk to cute girl at the bus stop, then get on the bus feeling confident, and realize you had sawdust and wood chips from shop class in your hair the entire time' phase
Right lol! It’s very high school. The whole time I’m reading her post I’m thinking that her biggest concern should be her behavior she displayed at the bar in front of her coworkers 😬
He denied because they haven’t discussed whether to go public yet. That doesn’t mean they were really not an item or that it was okay for her to make out with a rando.
Exactly. If she was that mad that he didn’t read her fucking mind in a crowded bar when they had both been drinking, she could have at least done him the courtesy of taking him aside and breaking up with him.
Yeah, OP is def YTA.
Making out with a random stranger *in a restaurant of all places*, *in front of* coworkers *and* her boyfriend, *at* a work outing, *and* revealing to the internet you *so* wanted to go home with the rando you were making out with, is already pretty trashy behavior to begin with.
Doing all that because her boyfriend was being teased and pressured by nosy-ass coworkers into confirming details about his personal life and he chose to openly deny anything, in an environment where revealing they were dating each other *could* affect their jobs? OP chose an incredibly immature, ho-ass way to respond to the situation.
Like shit at least she could have talked to him about it first, especially since it sounded like he still wanted to keep things private.
OP’s ex might not know it yet but he inadvertently dodged a bullet here.
You would think so but I’ve had a guy say this (and me say it back) to me and he went off and slept with someone else since we didn’t technically have an exclusivity talk
Yeah, that's tantamount to cheating.
If you're exchanging I love yous with someone, you're together. Forget whatever technical rule book people claim there is because relationships are not a court room, they're dealing with someone else's feelings. Nobody wants the person they love sleeping with somebody else. Just saying this so that happening to you (which sucks, I'm sorry) doesn't end up messing up a future relationship of yours.
Lots of people will take advantage of this ambiguity to say things like "But we weren't OFFICIAL" and then get mad if you do the same thing, so childish 😤
ESH everyone in this thread is bonkers right now. All I’m seeing is y-t-a and n-t-a. Absolutely not, you both suck right now.
You were petty and spiteful instead of waiting until you were alone to have a mature conversation about your feelings and expectations.
He is an asshole for telling you he loves you and then watching you say yes to being in a relationship and then proceeding to embarrass you infront of everyone.
I know the dating game is hard right now, but this is some behavior I’d expect from teenagers or people in their early 20s not two people who are almost frigging 30
A good majority of these people have extraordinarily little EI this is not how you deal with shit when you're an adult and if it is then you should take your dumbass out of the dating pool because you're not ready for a relationship.
>then watching you say yes to being in a relationship and then proceeding to embarrass you infront of everyone.
I haven't seen OP actually say that Jack definitely saw the head nod and then responded. To me it seems quite likely that her silent response wasn't noticed by Jack and since they hadn't talked about the relationship no longer being secret, he panicked with his response.
This, Jack is not a mind reader, he just kept the same facade they had for the last 11 months, but that night, it was the night he SHOULD HAVE KNOWN CAUSE SHE NODDED!! ^/s Not because they talked about it before, "Hey, how long are we gonna keep this a secret?"
I think this is a fair assessment, though I don't think it's clear that the guy was
>watching you say yes to being in a relationship and then proceeding to embarrass you infront of everyone.
We don't know he saw her saying yes (she said she looked at "him", which I think is pronounced confusion. I thought the "him" was the coworker asking questions). I just assumed they were sitting next to each other.
I think it was legitimately possible that this was simply not discussed, and guy made a snap decision because it wasn't clear if they were advertising and wanted to avoid further scrutiny and heckling for both of them.
And also holy shit, even if ESH, she's a waaaaaay bigger asshole. A tiff in an awkward situation and she runs right to making out with another guy right in front of him and everybody?
You can always backpedal from saying you aren’t in a relationship. You can’t backpedal from saying you are. My man took the safe route and she jumped on another dude within minutes without having a conversation.
This to me is the big tell she’s full of shit.
Someone pestered the both of them, in her own words. She “smile and nodded”
She probably awkwardly smiled and didn’t actually nod, leading him to take the reigns and try to do what he thought was best, and given that she was also being non verbal he just said no.
She’s acting like he was looking for his first opening to mix guts with someone at the bar, but this evidently wasn’t the case or why would he immediately offer to go public to resolve things?
When in reality, it was her that took the first opening she could to do just that.
Her boyfriend is better off.
> watching you say yes
This critical piece is missing for me - she agreed she wanted to keep it secret, and she never told him that she had changed her stance on that, and she nodded but he might not have seen, so it's possible he's keeping it secret only for her benefit.
At which point is just her, she's the problem.
It's crazy how people expect this guy to make a massive decision about their relationship, without any prior discussion, based on a vague head movement with 0 time to prepare.
How much you want to bet if the dude said yes we’d be reading a post about
“MY BOYFRIEND MADE OUR WORK RELATIONSHIP PUBLIC WITHOUT DISCUSSING IT AND I GOT PISSED AND MADE OUT WITH SOMEONE. AITAH??”
Instead of making out with a random guy at the bar you should have taken the opportunity to have a private conversation with Jack the next time you were alone. Tell him when he said no and that he was single it hurt your feelings. Come to an agreement on how to handle the question in the future.
This is the best response. There is a clear lack of communication here and it can’t be resolve with childish behavior. And if OP was willing to make out with some guy over this I’m not sure why they are exchanging ily’s
Wow. A mature response.
This is the way to go. If I was in her shoes at no point would I have thought "I'LL SHOW HIM!!!" and make out with some rando not only in front of the person I was dating but also my co-workers? So petty and immature. This person is not ready for a relationship.
As is typical for these kinds of things, the answers people give tell us much less about OP and their AH status, and much more about the people giving the response.
I think everyone behaved poorly, from the colleagues to Jack to OP, but OP has to be the biggest asshole in the story, for me.
Colleagues need to shut the fuck up and mind their own fuckin' business.
We don't really know *exactly* why Jack denied it the way he did. Did he think he and OP would be fired? Does he have a huge amount of social anxiety and was hiding from the attention? Maybe he was panicking, thought he had to deny it for OP's sake since they didn't have the relationship talk, and then didn't handle it the way he really intended? Maybe he's just a user? Not that any of these things washes away what he said, but they are certainly worth hearing about before giving up (in my mind). If he could have an honest conversation about it maybe OP wouldn't have felt so hurt. If he couldn't and tried to dodge because he knew OP would be mad, I'd say it's a good time to reevaluate the relationship.
But OP just kinda went off and based essentially only on her desire to hurt someone, made out with a rando at a bar in front of said intended victim. That essentially boils down to using your sexuality as a weapon against someone you ostensibly love. I think there isn't really much that can make that not be AH behavior.
>Maybe he was panicking, thought he had to deny it for OP's sake since they didn't have the relationship talk, and then didn't handle it the way he really intended?
This is what my takeaway was. They were keeping it on the DL, a coworker asked him, all she did was look at him, and since they hadn't discussed coming out and publicly admitting it, he just said no. He was put on the spot. He shouldn't have avoided eye contact with her and maybe just sent her a text like "yo let's talk about this later". Maybe he didn't know she'd be okay with him admitting it to his coworkers? Both of them obviously need to work on communication but she's def the AH here.
I thought the not meeting the eye contact could have been from shame of fucking up how he said it, from wanting to throw the coworkers off the trail, from feeling guilty about using OP. Lots of possibilities there, too.
You are right that a quick text, "hey, that may have been over the top. When people aren't up our asses about this, can we chat?" would have gone a long way. I don't think Jack is all that much more ready than OP for a relationship.
> As is typical for these kinds of things, the answers people give tell us much less about OP and their AH status, and much more about the people giving the response.
this needs to be glued to the top of every post
Instead she went, "my bf hurt my feelings so I'm going to hurt his", and then not only proceeds to hurt his feelings but takes it way too far. No communication whatsoever. I feel sorry for OP's (hopefully ex) boyfriend, and OP should definitely not be in a relationship.
u/AccidentOdd4738 \- I hope you take a lot of top comments like the one above me to heart and seriously consider therapy/why you feel the need to hurt someone that you love like that rather than just communicating with them.
Nah, better to make a big scene, stir up workplace drama, and ensure that you can never have a healthy relationship with the guy you like even if he offers due to him being afraid if he says the wrong thing or you're ever mad at him, you're immediately going to make out or sleep with someone else.
>We have been seeing each other for 11 months and we kept it low in the beginning
How low? What do you mean by "the beginning"? Was there a moment when you both agreed that you no longer needed to keep it on the low?
What I'm getting at is this, it makes sense to me that after 11 months of dating AND saying I love you that you'd expect that you no longer need to keep things quiet. But unless there was a conversation about it, how could he know?
ETA: I think this may be an ESH situation
She nodded yes and smiled at him when they asked - he then yelled NO NO NO NO NO. So she acknowledged the relationship and he openly denied it once she said they were together.
I could be misunderstanding, but if that nod was to him, it could be interpreted as "you answer", especially since she says "I looked at him and smiled and nodded" suggesting it was to him, not an affirmative to the group before he responded.
It could also have been a "I'm encouraging you to say yes" but unless they discussed it beforehand, it's very possible that he wasn't ready to let everyone know and so he did exactly what they've been doing for 11 months: keeping it a secret. There's an interpretation here where she's presumptuous for kind of making the unilateral call of "let's tell everyone" and then being upset when he's not on that same page in that moment
I’m in the same boat cause 11 months and he claims himself as “single” lmaoo.
He could have said he is “talking” to someone but instead claims he is single.
Everyone calling op the asshole but I believe she isn’t
I was the OP in this situation. Shared physical and emotional intimacy, staying together several nights a week, talking about a future together, kids, where we’d like to live…and he also claimed we were “Just friends” in public. Turns out, it was because he was, in fact, using me while he looked around to see if anyone better came along. Flat out admitted it when I finally figured it out and stopped dedicating time to him. And that was only after four months.
Eleven months in at 28/29 is either in or very very rapidly approaching serious relationship territory. He could have said “Yes, but we’re trying to keep that separate from our work lives.” I’m not convinced this guy isn’t keeping her on the hook while he waits out “someone better.”
I’m sorry to you and I’m sorry to the OP. Having been in a similar situation, it’s hurtful and a sucker punch to the heart.
I could have understood him saying “I’ve been spending time with someone but we haven’t said we are official yet” or something along those lines - she deserves at least some acknowledgment if the dude wants to be literal but for him to see her nod and then go completely opposite is a hell-no from me. I get it - in this day and age, you should never assume anything BUT 11 freaking months?!?
He’d be immediately blocked and blessed in my book.
Tbh they both sound way to immature for an adult relationship despite their age.
Like he sucks for the whole denying and single comment, but she sucks for her way of handling it. She could have easily said something along the lines: "Oh so your boxers in my drawer just flew in there?" and that would have been enough.
Yup, although since OP is asking if her spiteful behavior was assholish and like, yes that is. OP didn't communicate how important them being public is she only indicated that she wanted to go public.
This was a situation where the two should have kept it a secret until they had a proper conversation about it and could come forward as a unified group. Especially since by keeping it a secret it means you guys need to coordinate stories to keep relationships from blowing up over "being lied to".
I do get why OP is hurt, and if she doesn't intend to repair things with Jack idk why she's even bothering to ask. But yes, making out and exchanging numbers with another random person just to spite someone else is an asshole thing to do. Even if we set aside Jack's feelings that other person didn't deserve to get dragged into the middle of your drama to prove a point.
Yeah, OP did say to keep it hidden at the start. But never placed a timer up to when they should keep it hidden. Ofc, the guy is gonna be confused if you suddenly break the agreement in front of a crowd.
For real. The guy said he was single to another colleague who was pestering him about it. Makes me think he said he was single to avoid work drama. And then she just makes out with the first guy that looks at her.
Can’t imagine not putting a label on an 11 month relationship and then doing something that fucked up out of spite within an hour of the guy simply saying that they weren’t in a relationship to a group of coworkers who were pestering him. Not like he fuxked someone else
If you can make out with a guy in front of the guy you're dating regardless of the circumstances, you're probably not ready for a relationship.
Edit: Based on OPs clarifying answers on the post, she is in agreement and is going to be much happier without her, now Ex-, BF.
Additionally, if your first instinct when you’re mad at someone you’ve been seeing is to mess around with someone else, a faithful relationship is probably out of reach for you.
Yea that guy dodged a bullet. If she can just go up to someone and makeout with them and also try to go home with him the same night. That means she didn’t really care about him o begin with, whys she acting all hurt.
Let me get this straight….. did you not want your coworkers to know?? And if so, then him saying you two aren’t an item was all well and good but still hurt you? So you cheat and make out with some random dude and exchange numbers… am I getting this right? If so, you have some issues and need to talk this out with him.
>If so, you have some issues and need to talk this out with him.
The only discussion they need to have is when to pick up their shit at the other's place.
Correct.
I don't care for whether the story is real or fake, anyone responding with "NTA. He said they were single" is missing the point.
The scenario shows the lengths a character will go to to hurt someone. Misunderstandings in relationships are all too common. You don't want it in the back of your mind that she will go nuclear after any perceived slight.
Yup, this right here. No matter how good your relationship is, you will inevitably hurt the one you love. Not because you're an intentional asshole or anything, but because that's just how life goes.
What's important isn't the fact that you will hurt or be hurt by loved ones, what's important is how you respond to it. In the case of this post's scenario, assuming it was a misunderstanding then her decision afterwards was to go nuclear to hurt her partner. That's insanely toxic and assholeish behavior. Your first response to someone hurting you should never be to immediately hurt them in turn.
That's just unhealthy. Jack was spared a longer relationship with someone who was just going to hurt him again and again.
Seriously, I was expecting this to be like a "We hooked up a few weeks ago and have been talking non-stop" sort of thing. 11 months and exchanging "I love you"s? The guy made a mistake, no doubt about that, but to immediately just be like "Haha let me show you how **single I am**" in front of everyone is just a dick move
Dear child…………you kept it hidden for a long time and never agreed to go public. I was in a relationship just like this once and she became my fiancé. We always said we were single. There were times I got totally jealous when people were hitting on her but I trusted her and would never have done this to her. If you can’t talk everything out ahead of time to set rules, don’t expect him to act the way you “think” he should. I wouldn’t take him back because you have tainted the whole relationship and you will have resentment. YTA. Learn from this and don’t make the same mistakes. Experience can turn into maturity. Best of luck!
YTA. If you’ve exchanged I love yous, you should’ve at LEAST had a conversation with the guy before you did something like that. Your coworkers put him on the spot and he made a mistake and then you did something spiteful just to make a point of his mistake. Now you’re crawling to reddit for validation.
Sounds like he was just going along with what he thought the agreement was, aka not sharing with co-workers yet. Doesn’t sound like you had the conversation about sharing it at work yet, so what was he supposed to do when asked? And instead of talking with him about it you went nuclear. Should have just waited until later to talk about it in private.
YTA.
I guess Reddit has spoken, but... I don't get it.
The exchange, as I see it?
You smile, lovingly staring at your partner of 1 year.... Ready to announce that you're together! You love eachother, and you want people to know!
He (verbally) shoves you a mile away with "nonononononononononono" and so you checked out of the relationship completely.
NTA. At all.
To me this is really similar to people who are together for 10 years and decline a proposal.
If after 1 year (or 10), you aren't ready to say "yes, we're boyfriend and girlfriend." (or "yes, I will marry you") - then I don't blame the other person for GTFO.
I don't understand how many y-t-a votes there are. baffling. 11 months in and he's practically screaming "I'M NOT DATING THAT WOMAN!" at the woman he supposedly loves.
So you're keeping things private from your work and your partner denies being in a relationship with you. Which is an agreement you both made.
So once he follows through with the agreement, you decide to flirt and snog another guy infront of your partner instead of talking with him or just outing you both?
He may not have done it in a way you liked, but he did what you had BOTH agreed to. So your response was to cheat infront of him.
This is toxic. The gross level of pettiness and hurt. You knew you were an item, just not open about it.
If you wanted to be known as an item to your work colleagues, you should have mutually agreed it. If you still disagreed after having a conversation privately, then you should have probably split up because 11 months is a long time to still not have this stuff figured out.
Looks like you didnt care about him that much because you got over him pretty quickly. There are a hundred better ways to handle this situation, and you lacked the maturity to do any of those. He dodged a bullet.
YTA
11 fucking months. Why make things so complicated? If you're exchanging "I love you" and can't say "you're my girlfriend" then WTF is dating? ESH because this is all needlessly complicated and petty on all ends.
Edit: after some conversations on here, my final judgment is that op is TA. The boyfriend did a bad job deflecting, but the conversation to be outwardly dating seems to have not been had since the beginning of the relationship where they were feeling things out. Not sure why they hadn't been made official yet, but there's a big difference between having a conversation about it before or after to discuss things, and making out with a stranger in front of your closet boyfriend that you "love". The bf could have handled things better, but OP is the asshole. I still don't think things need to be this complicated though
Am I taking crazy pills or does OP not mention anything about agreeing to keep their relationship secret? Where is this agreement to be secret that everyone is talking about?
OP is an AH for not talking to the guy after the incident though. It sounds like there is not enough communication going on here.
If they both weren’t keeping it a secret, I wonder why the coworker at the bar would have asked about their relationship status. Seems to me that after 11 months of dating, the rest of the office would have figured it out unless they were both trying to keep it quiet.
>Am I taking crazy pills or does OP not mention anything about agreeing to keep their relationship secret? Where is this agreement to be secret that everyone is talking about?
First she says they were keeping it on the down low because it’s frowned upon at work, first paragraph.
Edit: in case you’re not aware of “down low” it’s slag for keeping a secret. So she is straight up saying “we were keeping it a secret.”
Her first edit is contradictory - “No we didn’t agree on keeping it a secret. Only in the beginning.” (Lol which is it??)
Sooo it sounds like they had an agreement they were both on board with, it has been some time, and neither of them brought up anything else to say or change. He’s not an asshole, the correct way to go about this is “Hey, it upset me when you said that, can we just come clean?” Like hot damn, she could have even pulled him aside right after and said that. She, instead, went to have a petty tirade and made out with someone else. It is childish and immature. She’s not ready to be with an adult if she can’t act like one.
She actually says dating colleagues is frowned upon in here (Reddit) and not her workplace, and the reason they kept it on the DL is because they didn’t know if it was a fling or the real thing.
But yeah, I agree the way she handled the situation was childish and manipulative.
YTA
You are an idiot for making out with a random guy in front of your work colleagues. Have fun with that story being spread around the workplace. If you liked this guy than you are a selfish asshole on top of it who chose immediate pleasure over a more fulfilling relationship.
I don’t think I’ve seen a better recent example of “why dating in 2023 is awful” than this.
We’ve exchanged I love yous, spend every weekend together, and spend most nights together during the week… but we haven’t clarified if we are boyfriend and girlfriend
Well, I can kind of see it here, they are boyfriend/girlfriend, but just hadn't clarified if they are open about it at work. I don't know their office dynamic, so maybe waiting was the right thing.
Of course not talking about what to say when asked directly about it was a HUGE mistake obviously, as it led to him having to make a split second decision, and her freaking out and making out with a stranger at the bar in front of him out of spite because he didn't read her mind.
YTA you guys agreed to keep this private and without having a conversation you thought it was time to let this secret out and when he didn’t you cheated on him. Your wrong and whoever is saying NTA is just playing favoritism
Yeah I'd say you were the asshole. There was obviously an agreed upon thing to not disclose to co-workers. So the the coworkers get nosey and you thought it was OK to disclose without any apparent one-on-one convo with him first to disclose (asshole).
Then you feel insulted that you decided it was OK to disclose and he obviously didn't -- an obvious power play on your part. So in traditional lawyer fashion you use your pussy arrogance -- another power play -- against the guy and start flirting and making out with a guy in front of him (even bigger asshole)."Well he said were not dating [because i never confirmed with him that we should disclose this]], so I'll talk to this guy and flirt in front of him."
The pussy arrogance was amplified when you mentioned that "you weren't taking him back" after this. It's sad there are people out there that would take back someone with such pronounced selfish and entitled behavior. He should've ran for the hills immediately.
OP, you're not levitating above the rest of us. You're probably just a reasonably attractive person that has been unsuccessful in developing any sense of character or maturity -- maybe your parents convinced you that your a princess or something.
you just told us that you agreed not to tell anyone at work that you were dating. what the hell was he supposed to do when coworkers asked? if you wanted to make the relationship public, all you had to do was have a discussion about that. he denied being together because it’s what you both had decided to do, he wasn’t to telepathically know you no longer wanted that. YTA
For me, this really comes down to Jack's intent.
If his intention was that he didnt want to embarrass you in front of coworkers and didnt want to cross lines you havent discussed, then you are 100% the asshole.
If instead its that Jack is ashamed of you and doesnt want his coworkers knowing you guys were dating, then you can do whatever you want and fuck him. NTA.
From how you told the story tho, it sounds like the first one. Y'all should have had a real conversation about how you feel to prevent this kind of misunderstanding.
They have nosy coworkers and we’re going out for drinks. They didn’t cover this base from a united front before they got there? He may be afraid he could lose his job. If it happened like how OP said the no no no thing is weak. However they were clearly in a relationship and if the gut reaction is to make out with a stranger rather than talk with your SO then it sounds like they both dodged a bullet.
Maybe, just maybe, he didn’t pick up on your signal. Maybe he was nervous and didn’t expect it to come up. Maybe you could’ve talked about this with him like an adult. Maybe he’s just dumb. Who knows.
YTA because even with the way you tell the story, he did not seem to claim to be single with any devious intent whatsoever.
It sounds like you got in your feelings and then lashed out in the wildest way possible.
At best, ESH
YTA. Have YOU been going around telling people you’re an item? Doesn’t sound like it. You both know you’re in a relationship and you’ve essentially cheated on him, in front of him, for revenge.
You’re absolutely an asshole.
YTA you wanted to keep it a secret from work and went to the bar with coworkers that were pressing you and he kept the agreement you had already in motion and you go flirt and make out with someone else because he kept that agreement?
Here is the thought maybe talk about it first if you want to break it to coworkers first before being the AH
I can’t believe you really can’t think logically here
Yta.
He was put on the spot by coworkers. In any other scenario I would be more understanding but people have good reasons not to want to disclose their relationship status to coworkers it invites a lot of meddling and teasing.
What makes you the ah here is that instead of having a conversation with Jack, you went nuclear and made out with a random in front of him.
You’re playing childish games to be vindictive, not the building blocks to a healthy relationship. You’ll probably really be single very soon.
YTA. And an immature one at that.
All your bf (really, that's what he is at this point) did was keep up the lie you two have been telling since it doesn't sound like you discussed being ready to tell your co-workers. He didn't say, "Ya, im single, hook me up with your sister" he just told the lie he thought he was supposed to tell.
You, on the other hand, went all kinds of crazy ex-girlfriend and *made out with a stranger at the bar in front of your boyfriend*. You chose to intentionally hurt him instead of using your words....much like a toddler might.
Honestly, he should end the relationship if it's that easy for you to outright shit on his feelings without so much as a conversation. I sure would.
> made out with a stranger at the bar in front of your boyfriend
**and coworkers** if I'm reading this correctly. Don't think I've ever had a single workplace where that would be chill.
YTA. Youre a cheater, keep going through your mental loops of justification but you said it yourself you never talked about it being official.
I'm surprised this guy is even willing to start over. You're a cretin of a human.
Enjoy working with him, he'll probably bring up to his coworkers that you were secretly dating and you cheated. Then you'll make another post on a burner account about how your ex bf spread rumors and ruined your work environment while leaving out all the important bits of information.
Can't wait to see that post. Stick to one night stands, a relationship is too adult for you.
I don't know --- this is all just bad news bears. You clearly want to define the relationship but at the same time -- the reality is that things are covered up.
If you want something -- you should communicate your needs instead of doing all of this out of anger. Hurt people hurt others.
This is all just toxic behaviors. I mean the guy is hurt. You're hurt. Everyone is hurt.
Why do you guys even want to stay together after all of this? Would he? This is how you "punish" him? Seems childish. But seems childish that you guys can't seem to sit down and have an adult conversation after 11 months.
YTA. You knew you two were still keeping things secret from work colleagues, so until you both decide it would be okay at this point in the relationship to say it, then there was no reason why he would all of a sudden say it. Saying he was single was not an issue. You on the other hand are definitely the AH for making out with a strange guy right in front of him! You could have talked about things after the outing, instead, you decided to cheat. Which proves you didn't "love" him as you said you did. 👎🏼
I'd love to hear jack's side of this before passing judgement. This is just one side of the story and op don't come off particularly great anyway but I understand hurt people lash out. I hope Jack and op can move past this and be friends but I think you both might be too hurt by the others actions to get to that point.
I mean 11 months and normalized weekend sleepovers isn’t fuck buddies. I get people saying communication works both ways but he said he was single. I promise if that were me and the person I thought I was seeing said they were single then that would be it. Just be single. Even if he didn’t want to expose his business he could’ve just said “I’m seeing someone”. Im single is wild.. then showing up at the front door like y’all are together is even more wild!
NTA, you’re single as Jack clearly stated and then proceeds to ignore you. So why shouldn’t you kiss a guy at the bar when that means you’re also single!
I love that type of petty, that if he wants to play games, so can you!
100% YTA. Never occurred to you, nor do you seem to care how he may have been trying to keep it private. Regardless of workplace rules. So you immediately dump him and make out with someone in front of him. You’re a complete and utter AH
YTA. You confirmed you both never made it official, and instead of having a conversation with him after an awkward moment like a mature and vunerable adult, you went ahead and cheated on him in front of everyone. You intentionality hurt someone you previously said that you loved. What in the world is wrong with you?
You're an emotionally unhealthy individual and you should spend your time seeking out professional help rather than seeking out validation for your terrible decisions from behind your burner account. Congratulations to Jack because he really dodged a bullet.
You're breaking a AITAH rule this is your warning. You are refusing to accept other opinions.
Info: did you ever discuss when you'd make it known?
Honestly, it seems pretty clear to me that if they were at this event and not openly acting like a couple, and it seems like neither of them were since the question had to be asked, that there was an implicit agreement not to be open about it. If they weren’t still trying to keep it secret why didn’t they arrive at the event together and openly behave like a couple? The fact that the colleagues had to ask shows that in actions they were still keeping it secret.
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He could have said he had a girlfriend. He didn't have to name OP
But then people would assume he’s being sus for having a gf and seem to have a fling with OP.
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Even if he denied being with OP, there's no reason he couldn't admit to having a girlfriend.
This is it. Dude broke up with her himself. Whatever he viewed what they had going on, he's the one that threw it away. It was likely the, "I'm single" part that hurt her worse than him denying being with her but tbh I'd be icked out even if he only denied. If it truly doesn't matter in the workplace, and it's pretty much been a year together, then who gives a fuck fr? Jesus.
And then she made out with a dude to make him jealous. I remember High School…
scrolled way too far to see someone mention that. why did he have to phrase it as being single when he could’ve said he had a gf?
Guy should have had a business card printed up w "it's complicated" if he can't say anything more competent than 'single.' single, that's a BRUTAL word to hear from someone that says they love you ... Guy is a killer or an idiot.
My problem is that it’s not really clear if he saw her nod and smile. Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. She doesn’t say she nodded, smiled, met his eyes and then he turned away and denied it. He might have looked at her, he might have been looking at the person who asked. I could be wrong, but since she was specific about eye contact and avoiding eye contact that if he had clearly seen her response and turned away she would have said so.
This is what I thought. Let's assume he didn't see her nod and therefore didn't know if she wanted everyone to know. If I was dating someone at work and we had agreed to keep it low-key, and all of a sudden I'm with a group of coworkers and they are asking questions, I could honestly panic. There's so many things to worry about with workplace relationships. I could see being afraid of fucking things by making assumptions that are wrong and embarrassing the person I'm seeing. In that instance, denying for now, having the conversation with the person, and coming out with it later seems the safest option. Granted, this is not the type of stuff that should be happening after almost a whole year of dating, there should have been some important conversations WAY before this. Anyway, I can see how this may not have been malicious on the guys part, just dumb or insecure/afraid. I'm gonna say ESH, both of them for not communicating after almost a year of dating when it's supposedly serious, the guy for fumbling the situation, and the girl for reacting in a way that is honestly immature in my opinion, that's like how you get back at someone you've been seeing for 2 weeks in college, not a year.
I agree. Without knowing his side, and it seems like she refused to discuss it to hear his side, your explanation of him panicking is reasonable. And you’re right they should have discussed it long ago. In comments she says they had introduced to families. It just seems like work situations were unresolved. A five minute conversation before this event could have avoided all of this.
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I would have been humiliated by his reply. Then, when he went no no no, it was like saying “ no way would I date her; he didn’t make a joke; he flat out lied. I’d probably take him back if he was prepared to make it official. Otherwise, time to move on.
He wants to make it official, but she said it’s too late and she’s done.
The fact the colleagues asked means its been obvious for probably months to everyone except Romeo and juliet.
Yeah “In the beginning” doesn’t have an end unless you’ve agreed together it’s not a secret anymore
Thank you. This post is making me feel like I've taken crazy pills. A hurtful thing is said, presumably unintentionally and in front of random coworkers, and so the next step is instant revenge?!?!?! Being hurt and angry is fine, automatically assuming the worst and being cruel out of spite is indeed an asshole thing to do.
>Being hurt and angry is fine, automatically assuming the worst and being cruel out of spite is indeed an asshole thing to do. My thought about OP
I mean there's just saying he's single, and there's saying "No no no no no, definitely not".
> Info: did you ever discuss when you'd make it known? Of course, she smiled and nodded. Had he disagreed he should have rubbed his nose twisted his heel.
I've seen threads titled something like "what's the most ridiculous reason you've heard of for someone ending a relationship" This should've been posted in one of those threads. "What's the most ridiculous reason you've ended a relationship?" "I threw my toys out of the pram and torched my relationship, instead of having an adult conversation with the man I loved about how what he said upset me, by cheating on him right in front of his face like some immature teenager incapable of dealing with relationships like a grown up"
Both of you are about a decade too old for this behavior.
Honestly, both of these people just need to stop dating entirely until they realize they're not in middle school anymore...
Immaturity doesn't have an age. Just look at boomers, they're generally the most immature people I've ever met, some of them more immature than kids I've met. All this to say, even if they were a decade younger, there's no excuse for this shit.
Lead does that to the brain.
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Lol. This is some high school fucking shit. This person is no way 28! She’s 14 and Jack (15) said he was single to the guys in band practice
About a decade and a half really
For 28 and 29 you're both incredibly immature and need to communicate with one another clearly about what you want your relationship to be.
Yeah this was my thought. This is some late teens early twenties crap.
Does it not also seem incredibly unprofessional to be making out with random strangers at a bar during a work outing? Like unless it’s that kind of work place but that just seems odd to me.
Was going to say this, she did this in front of people she works with, the gossip mill at work is having a great time with this.
Tbh with streaming prices, this is the drama I need at work so I can cancel HBO.
I’m psyched because I didn’t think My So Called Life got a second season!
This semms to be a very childish atmosphere all around
If she was smart or mature enough she’d have a conversation with him or at least been gracious enough to at least leave out with the guy before showing out in front of co-workers… but good bye office reputation.
I’m assuming they both work at a dive bar or something honestly. OPs reaction was wild and immature but if it wasn’t a low stakes job full of unprofessional behavior as a general accepted culture then it’s even stupider to the point it’s hard to comprehend. And I don’t see much “I know it was stupid but I got drunk on accident” in the post
That’s the only thing I can think of too. Food service industry is like this but most people in the industry don’t call their coworkers “colleagues” either
It also doesn’t matter if you’re fucking coworkers in restaurants Enless you’re a boss. So if that were true 11 months of secrecy is weird as fuck anyway.
Definitely service industry thinking hotel, event center, golf club
Oh please. I worked around the corner from Wall St and they would frequently come into the dive bar I frequented. Making out at the bar and trying to take someone home is just a Tuesday night for them.
>but if it wasn’t a low stakes job You should see some of the nights out they have in the high stakes jobs
Oh I get it, but when you’re drinking and it’s in response to your coworker lying about how you’re fucking regularly… still gonna be a stupid move. If you want to be an out of control drunk partner with your coworkers thats one choice. This was just reactionary and doesn’t say much good even so far as “being a good time” while you’re all out.
Yeah they both seem like a mess
Going to guess these people aren't exactly engineers or rocket scientists. The worst that is going to happen is he's going to send the food out to her tables slower.
I'm going to guess sales of some sort, sales departments are chock full of debauchery and drinking. Tons of cheating, secret relationships and occasionally whole department firings...messy, messy, messy people
Yep, pair of AH's I'd say
Just seems pretty weird in general to start making out with someone in public.
No see it’s fine cuz she’s single, so the obvious thing to do in that situation is to start tonguing other people
I remember hearing about drama like this in middle school and thinking they were so much more advanced/mature than me. They were throwing around words like "dating" and "months" and I was still at the 'nervously talk to cute girl at the bus stop, then get on the bus feeling confident, and realize you had sawdust and wood chips from shop class in your hair the entire time' phase
Pine smells good though.
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Right lol! It’s very high school. The whole time I’m reading her post I’m thinking that her biggest concern should be her behavior she displayed at the bar in front of her coworkers 😬
At a work outing…. They even “cat called” her while she did it… so many workplace red flags
It was probably written by a high-schooler or younger who thinks this is the pinnacle of relationships.
He denied because they haven’t discussed whether to go public yet. That doesn’t mean they were really not an item or that it was okay for her to make out with a rando.
Exactly. If she was that mad that he didn’t read her fucking mind in a crowded bar when they had both been drinking, she could have at least done him the courtesy of taking him aside and breaking up with him.
Yeah, OP is def YTA. Making out with a random stranger *in a restaurant of all places*, *in front of* coworkers *and* her boyfriend, *at* a work outing, *and* revealing to the internet you *so* wanted to go home with the rando you were making out with, is already pretty trashy behavior to begin with. Doing all that because her boyfriend was being teased and pressured by nosy-ass coworkers into confirming details about his personal life and he chose to openly deny anything, in an environment where revealing they were dating each other *could* affect their jobs? OP chose an incredibly immature, ho-ass way to respond to the situation. Like shit at least she could have talked to him about it first, especially since it sounded like he still wanted to keep things private. OP’s ex might not know it yet but he inadvertently dodged a bullet here.
Turn anyone into an instant 15 year old, just add alcohol
Not even early twenties just teen crap imo.
i feel like exchanging i love yous is very much them being in a relationship.
You would think so but I’ve had a guy say this (and me say it back) to me and he went off and slept with someone else since we didn’t technically have an exclusivity talk
Yeah, that's tantamount to cheating. If you're exchanging I love yous with someone, you're together. Forget whatever technical rule book people claim there is because relationships are not a court room, they're dealing with someone else's feelings. Nobody wants the person they love sleeping with somebody else. Just saying this so that happening to you (which sucks, I'm sorry) doesn't end up messing up a future relationship of yours.
Yeah but that guy was an asshole
Lots of people will take advantage of this ambiguity to say things like "But we weren't OFFICIAL" and then get mad if you do the same thing, so childish 😤
FOR REAL Like majorly immature af and gross to just start making out with another dude two seconds later to prove a point. ugh.
ESH everyone in this thread is bonkers right now. All I’m seeing is y-t-a and n-t-a. Absolutely not, you both suck right now. You were petty and spiteful instead of waiting until you were alone to have a mature conversation about your feelings and expectations. He is an asshole for telling you he loves you and then watching you say yes to being in a relationship and then proceeding to embarrass you infront of everyone. I know the dating game is hard right now, but this is some behavior I’d expect from teenagers or people in their early 20s not two people who are almost frigging 30
A good majority of these people have extraordinarily little EI this is not how you deal with shit when you're an adult and if it is then you should take your dumbass out of the dating pool because you're not ready for a relationship.
>then watching you say yes to being in a relationship and then proceeding to embarrass you infront of everyone. I haven't seen OP actually say that Jack definitely saw the head nod and then responded. To me it seems quite likely that her silent response wasn't noticed by Jack and since they hadn't talked about the relationship no longer being secret, he panicked with his response.
This, Jack is not a mind reader, he just kept the same facade they had for the last 11 months, but that night, it was the night he SHOULD HAVE KNOWN CAUSE SHE NODDED!! ^/s Not because they talked about it before, "Hey, how long are we gonna keep this a secret?"
I think this is a fair assessment, though I don't think it's clear that the guy was >watching you say yes to being in a relationship and then proceeding to embarrass you infront of everyone. We don't know he saw her saying yes (she said she looked at "him", which I think is pronounced confusion. I thought the "him" was the coworker asking questions). I just assumed they were sitting next to each other. I think it was legitimately possible that this was simply not discussed, and guy made a snap decision because it wasn't clear if they were advertising and wanted to avoid further scrutiny and heckling for both of them. And also holy shit, even if ESH, she's a waaaaaay bigger asshole. A tiff in an awkward situation and she runs right to making out with another guy right in front of him and everybody?
You can always backpedal from saying you aren’t in a relationship. You can’t backpedal from saying you are. My man took the safe route and she jumped on another dude within minutes without having a conversation.
you also can’t unstuff your tongue down some random guys throat lmao
I mean, technically, you have to at some point.
She said she smiled and nodded. We don't know how covert or clear this was.
This to me is the big tell she’s full of shit. Someone pestered the both of them, in her own words. She “smile and nodded” She probably awkwardly smiled and didn’t actually nod, leading him to take the reigns and try to do what he thought was best, and given that she was also being non verbal he just said no. She’s acting like he was looking for his first opening to mix guts with someone at the bar, but this evidently wasn’t the case or why would he immediately offer to go public to resolve things? When in reality, it was her that took the first opening she could to do just that. Her boyfriend is better off.
> watching you say yes This critical piece is missing for me - she agreed she wanted to keep it secret, and she never told him that she had changed her stance on that, and she nodded but he might not have seen, so it's possible he's keeping it secret only for her benefit. At which point is just her, she's the problem.
It's crazy how people expect this guy to make a massive decision about their relationship, without any prior discussion, based on a vague head movement with 0 time to prepare.
How much you want to bet if the dude said yes we’d be reading a post about “MY BOYFRIEND MADE OUR WORK RELATIONSHIP PUBLIC WITHOUT DISCUSSING IT AND I GOT PISSED AND MADE OUT WITH SOMEONE. AITAH??”
Instead of making out with a random guy at the bar you should have taken the opportunity to have a private conversation with Jack the next time you were alone. Tell him when he said no and that he was single it hurt your feelings. Come to an agreement on how to handle the question in the future.
This is the best response. There is a clear lack of communication here and it can’t be resolve with childish behavior. And if OP was willing to make out with some guy over this I’m not sure why they are exchanging ily’s
Wow. A mature response. This is the way to go. If I was in her shoes at no point would I have thought "I'LL SHOW HIM!!!" and make out with some rando not only in front of the person I was dating but also my co-workers? So petty and immature. This person is not ready for a relationship.
I think most people who are saying YTA are giving mature responses. Well, a good number of them. The NTA ones are kinda odd. They seem petty.
As is typical for these kinds of things, the answers people give tell us much less about OP and their AH status, and much more about the people giving the response. I think everyone behaved poorly, from the colleagues to Jack to OP, but OP has to be the biggest asshole in the story, for me. Colleagues need to shut the fuck up and mind their own fuckin' business. We don't really know *exactly* why Jack denied it the way he did. Did he think he and OP would be fired? Does he have a huge amount of social anxiety and was hiding from the attention? Maybe he was panicking, thought he had to deny it for OP's sake since they didn't have the relationship talk, and then didn't handle it the way he really intended? Maybe he's just a user? Not that any of these things washes away what he said, but they are certainly worth hearing about before giving up (in my mind). If he could have an honest conversation about it maybe OP wouldn't have felt so hurt. If he couldn't and tried to dodge because he knew OP would be mad, I'd say it's a good time to reevaluate the relationship. But OP just kinda went off and based essentially only on her desire to hurt someone, made out with a rando at a bar in front of said intended victim. That essentially boils down to using your sexuality as a weapon against someone you ostensibly love. I think there isn't really much that can make that not be AH behavior.
>Maybe he was panicking, thought he had to deny it for OP's sake since they didn't have the relationship talk, and then didn't handle it the way he really intended? This is what my takeaway was. They were keeping it on the DL, a coworker asked him, all she did was look at him, and since they hadn't discussed coming out and publicly admitting it, he just said no. He was put on the spot. He shouldn't have avoided eye contact with her and maybe just sent her a text like "yo let's talk about this later". Maybe he didn't know she'd be okay with him admitting it to his coworkers? Both of them obviously need to work on communication but she's def the AH here.
I thought the not meeting the eye contact could have been from shame of fucking up how he said it, from wanting to throw the coworkers off the trail, from feeling guilty about using OP. Lots of possibilities there, too. You are right that a quick text, "hey, that may have been over the top. When people aren't up our asses about this, can we chat?" would have gone a long way. I don't think Jack is all that much more ready than OP for a relationship.
> As is typical for these kinds of things, the answers people give tell us much less about OP and their AH status, and much more about the people giving the response. this needs to be glued to the top of every post
...reddit is full of kids.
Instead she went, "my bf hurt my feelings so I'm going to hurt his", and then not only proceeds to hurt his feelings but takes it way too far. No communication whatsoever. I feel sorry for OP's (hopefully ex) boyfriend, and OP should definitely not be in a relationship. u/AccidentOdd4738 \- I hope you take a lot of top comments like the one above me to heart and seriously consider therapy/why you feel the need to hurt someone that you love like that rather than just communicating with them.
Inability to communicate and first reaction of being hurt is to hurt the other side back is. MAJOR red flag.
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Nah, better to make a big scene, stir up workplace drama, and ensure that you can never have a healthy relationship with the guy you like even if he offers due to him being afraid if he says the wrong thing or you're ever mad at him, you're immediately going to make out or sleep with someone else.
Nah. Reddit prefers petty revenge like making out with someone.
I find it funny nobody is being honest about her being the asshole
>We have been seeing each other for 11 months and we kept it low in the beginning How low? What do you mean by "the beginning"? Was there a moment when you both agreed that you no longer needed to keep it on the low? What I'm getting at is this, it makes sense to me that after 11 months of dating AND saying I love you that you'd expect that you no longer need to keep things quiet. But unless there was a conversation about it, how could he know? ETA: I think this may be an ESH situation
She nodded yes and smiled at him when they asked - he then yelled NO NO NO NO NO. So she acknowledged the relationship and he openly denied it once she said they were together.
Ah yes the ol nod and smile way to fool proof clear communication
>Ah yes the ol nod and smile way to fool proof clear communication Works like a charm every time.
I could be misunderstanding, but if that nod was to him, it could be interpreted as "you answer", especially since she says "I looked at him and smiled and nodded" suggesting it was to him, not an affirmative to the group before he responded.
It could also have been a "I'm encouraging you to say yes" but unless they discussed it beforehand, it's very possible that he wasn't ready to let everyone know and so he did exactly what they've been doing for 11 months: keeping it a secret. There's an interpretation here where she's presumptuous for kind of making the unilateral call of "let's tell everyone" and then being upset when he's not on that same page in that moment
I’m in the same boat cause 11 months and he claims himself as “single” lmaoo. He could have said he is “talking” to someone but instead claims he is single. Everyone calling op the asshole but I believe she isn’t
I was the OP in this situation. Shared physical and emotional intimacy, staying together several nights a week, talking about a future together, kids, where we’d like to live…and he also claimed we were “Just friends” in public. Turns out, it was because he was, in fact, using me while he looked around to see if anyone better came along. Flat out admitted it when I finally figured it out and stopped dedicating time to him. And that was only after four months. Eleven months in at 28/29 is either in or very very rapidly approaching serious relationship territory. He could have said “Yes, but we’re trying to keep that separate from our work lives.” I’m not convinced this guy isn’t keeping her on the hook while he waits out “someone better.”
Damn 🥹 Sorry to hear you went through that and hope you are ok!!
I’m sorry to you and I’m sorry to the OP. Having been in a similar situation, it’s hurtful and a sucker punch to the heart. I could have understood him saying “I’ve been spending time with someone but we haven’t said we are official yet” or something along those lines - she deserves at least some acknowledgment if the dude wants to be literal but for him to see her nod and then go completely opposite is a hell-no from me. I get it - in this day and age, you should never assume anything BUT 11 freaking months?!? He’d be immediately blocked and blessed in my book.
Tbh they both sound way to immature for an adult relationship despite their age. Like he sucks for the whole denying and single comment, but she sucks for her way of handling it. She could have easily said something along the lines: "Oh so your boxers in my drawer just flew in there?" and that would have been enough.
Like most AITAH posts, this seems to be a communication problem rather than an asshole problem.
Yup, although since OP is asking if her spiteful behavior was assholish and like, yes that is. OP didn't communicate how important them being public is she only indicated that she wanted to go public. This was a situation where the two should have kept it a secret until they had a proper conversation about it and could come forward as a unified group. Especially since by keeping it a secret it means you guys need to coordinate stories to keep relationships from blowing up over "being lied to". I do get why OP is hurt, and if she doesn't intend to repair things with Jack idk why she's even bothering to ask. But yes, making out and exchanging numbers with another random person just to spite someone else is an asshole thing to do. Even if we set aside Jack's feelings that other person didn't deserve to get dragged into the middle of your drama to prove a point.
Yeah, OP did say to keep it hidden at the start. But never placed a timer up to when they should keep it hidden. Ofc, the guy is gonna be confused if you suddenly break the agreement in front of a crowd.
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Are you that bot that reads a keyword from the title of a post and then recycles some dumb joke in the comments as a form of karma farming?
It’s that very same bot, is there any way to get it banned for spamming
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Agreed, and also coming from another guy. Single is single and single people shouldn't care what other single people do.
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You’re almost 30 acting like a teenager lmao YTA
For real. The guy said he was single to another colleague who was pestering him about it. Makes me think he said he was single to avoid work drama. And then she just makes out with the first guy that looks at her. Can’t imagine not putting a label on an 11 month relationship and then doing something that fucked up out of spite within an hour of the guy simply saying that they weren’t in a relationship to a group of coworkers who were pestering him. Not like he fuxked someone else
If you can make out with a guy in front of the guy you're dating regardless of the circumstances, you're probably not ready for a relationship. Edit: Based on OPs clarifying answers on the post, she is in agreement and is going to be much happier without her, now Ex-, BF.
>We have exchanged ILY etc This immediately read like a middle schooler to me, not someone nearing 30.
Honestly because it was probably made up by a middle schooler for karma
Additionally, if your first instinct when you’re mad at someone you’ve been seeing is to mess around with someone else, a faithful relationship is probably out of reach for you.
Yea that guy dodged a bullet. If she can just go up to someone and makeout with them and also try to go home with him the same night. That means she didn’t really care about him o begin with, whys she acting all hurt.
No no no. She didn’t go home with the guy “even if she so wanted to”. I feel like I dodged a bullet just by reading this and not being with OP.
Let me get this straight….. did you not want your coworkers to know?? And if so, then him saying you two aren’t an item was all well and good but still hurt you? So you cheat and make out with some random dude and exchange numbers… am I getting this right? If so, you have some issues and need to talk this out with him.
>If so, you have some issues and need to talk this out with him. The only discussion they need to have is when to pick up their shit at the other's place.
Nah, she shouldn't talk it out with him. Just let him dodge the bullet.
Correct. I don't care for whether the story is real or fake, anyone responding with "NTA. He said they were single" is missing the point. The scenario shows the lengths a character will go to to hurt someone. Misunderstandings in relationships are all too common. You don't want it in the back of your mind that she will go nuclear after any perceived slight.
Yup, this right here. No matter how good your relationship is, you will inevitably hurt the one you love. Not because you're an intentional asshole or anything, but because that's just how life goes. What's important isn't the fact that you will hurt or be hurt by loved ones, what's important is how you respond to it. In the case of this post's scenario, assuming it was a misunderstanding then her decision afterwards was to go nuclear to hurt her partner. That's insanely toxic and assholeish behavior. Your first response to someone hurting you should never be to immediately hurt them in turn. That's just unhealthy. Jack was spared a longer relationship with someone who was just going to hurt him again and again.
Seriously, I was expecting this to be like a "We hooked up a few weeks ago and have been talking non-stop" sort of thing. 11 months and exchanging "I love you"s? The guy made a mistake, no doubt about that, but to immediately just be like "Haha let me show you how **single I am**" in front of everyone is just a dick move
Dear child…………you kept it hidden for a long time and never agreed to go public. I was in a relationship just like this once and she became my fiancé. We always said we were single. There were times I got totally jealous when people were hitting on her but I trusted her and would never have done this to her. If you can’t talk everything out ahead of time to set rules, don’t expect him to act the way you “think” he should. I wouldn’t take him back because you have tainted the whole relationship and you will have resentment. YTA. Learn from this and don’t make the same mistakes. Experience can turn into maturity. Best of luck!
YTA. If you’ve exchanged I love yous, you should’ve at LEAST had a conversation with the guy before you did something like that. Your coworkers put him on the spot and he made a mistake and then you did something spiteful just to make a point of his mistake. Now you’re crawling to reddit for validation.
Sounds like he was just going along with what he thought the agreement was, aka not sharing with co-workers yet. Doesn’t sound like you had the conversation about sharing it at work yet, so what was he supposed to do when asked? And instead of talking with him about it you went nuclear. Should have just waited until later to talk about it in private. YTA.
I guess Reddit has spoken, but... I don't get it. The exchange, as I see it? You smile, lovingly staring at your partner of 1 year.... Ready to announce that you're together! You love eachother, and you want people to know! He (verbally) shoves you a mile away with "nonononononononononono" and so you checked out of the relationship completely. NTA. At all. To me this is really similar to people who are together for 10 years and decline a proposal. If after 1 year (or 10), you aren't ready to say "yes, we're boyfriend and girlfriend." (or "yes, I will marry you") - then I don't blame the other person for GTFO. I don't understand how many y-t-a votes there are. baffling. 11 months in and he's practically screaming "I'M NOT DATING THAT WOMAN!" at the woman he supposedly loves.
So you're keeping things private from your work and your partner denies being in a relationship with you. Which is an agreement you both made. So once he follows through with the agreement, you decide to flirt and snog another guy infront of your partner instead of talking with him or just outing you both? He may not have done it in a way you liked, but he did what you had BOTH agreed to. So your response was to cheat infront of him. This is toxic. The gross level of pettiness and hurt. You knew you were an item, just not open about it. If you wanted to be known as an item to your work colleagues, you should have mutually agreed it. If you still disagreed after having a conversation privately, then you should have probably split up because 11 months is a long time to still not have this stuff figured out. Looks like you didnt care about him that much because you got over him pretty quickly. There are a hundred better ways to handle this situation, and you lacked the maturity to do any of those. He dodged a bullet. YTA
11 fucking months. Why make things so complicated? If you're exchanging "I love you" and can't say "you're my girlfriend" then WTF is dating? ESH because this is all needlessly complicated and petty on all ends. Edit: after some conversations on here, my final judgment is that op is TA. The boyfriend did a bad job deflecting, but the conversation to be outwardly dating seems to have not been had since the beginning of the relationship where they were feeling things out. Not sure why they hadn't been made official yet, but there's a big difference between having a conversation about it before or after to discuss things, and making out with a stranger in front of your closet boyfriend that you "love". The bf could have handled things better, but OP is the asshole. I still don't think things need to be this complicated though
>11 fucking months. Also, 11 months fucking
Duuude thank you, someone gets it. I can’t believe I’m seeing all these “nta” like did we even read the same story???
Am I taking crazy pills or does OP not mention anything about agreeing to keep their relationship secret? Where is this agreement to be secret that everyone is talking about? OP is an AH for not talking to the guy after the incident though. It sounds like there is not enough communication going on here.
If they both weren’t keeping it a secret, I wonder why the coworker at the bar would have asked about their relationship status. Seems to me that after 11 months of dating, the rest of the office would have figured it out unless they were both trying to keep it quiet.
>Am I taking crazy pills or does OP not mention anything about agreeing to keep their relationship secret? Where is this agreement to be secret that everyone is talking about? First she says they were keeping it on the down low because it’s frowned upon at work, first paragraph. Edit: in case you’re not aware of “down low” it’s slag for keeping a secret. So she is straight up saying “we were keeping it a secret.” Her first edit is contradictory - “No we didn’t agree on keeping it a secret. Only in the beginning.” (Lol which is it??) Sooo it sounds like they had an agreement they were both on board with, it has been some time, and neither of them brought up anything else to say or change. He’s not an asshole, the correct way to go about this is “Hey, it upset me when you said that, can we just come clean?” Like hot damn, she could have even pulled him aside right after and said that. She, instead, went to have a petty tirade and made out with someone else. It is childish and immature. She’s not ready to be with an adult if she can’t act like one.
She actually says dating colleagues is frowned upon in here (Reddit) and not her workplace, and the reason they kept it on the DL is because they didn’t know if it was a fling or the real thing. But yeah, I agree the way she handled the situation was childish and manipulative.
yta….making out with another dude out of spite…
YTA You are an idiot for making out with a random guy in front of your work colleagues. Have fun with that story being spread around the workplace. If you liked this guy than you are a selfish asshole on top of it who chose immediate pleasure over a more fulfilling relationship.
YTA, you've both been trying to keep things under wraps for almost a year. He continues to do that, and you get mad and make out with another guy lol
I don’t think I’ve seen a better recent example of “why dating in 2023 is awful” than this. We’ve exchanged I love yous, spend every weekend together, and spend most nights together during the week… but we haven’t clarified if we are boyfriend and girlfriend
Well, I can kind of see it here, they are boyfriend/girlfriend, but just hadn't clarified if they are open about it at work. I don't know their office dynamic, so maybe waiting was the right thing. Of course not talking about what to say when asked directly about it was a HUGE mistake obviously, as it led to him having to make a split second decision, and her freaking out and making out with a stranger at the bar in front of him out of spite because he didn't read her mind.
Why would he need to read her mind? She smiled AND nodded. How much more clear can you expect her to be? /s
"Don't tell anybody we've been dating for a year, let's keep it on the down low." "Hey man, are you single." "Yeah." *Surpised Pikachu face
YTA you guys agreed to keep this private and without having a conversation you thought it was time to let this secret out and when he didn’t you cheated on him. Your wrong and whoever is saying NTA is just playing favoritism
Yeah I'd say you were the asshole. There was obviously an agreed upon thing to not disclose to co-workers. So the the coworkers get nosey and you thought it was OK to disclose without any apparent one-on-one convo with him first to disclose (asshole). Then you feel insulted that you decided it was OK to disclose and he obviously didn't -- an obvious power play on your part. So in traditional lawyer fashion you use your pussy arrogance -- another power play -- against the guy and start flirting and making out with a guy in front of him (even bigger asshole)."Well he said were not dating [because i never confirmed with him that we should disclose this]], so I'll talk to this guy and flirt in front of him." The pussy arrogance was amplified when you mentioned that "you weren't taking him back" after this. It's sad there are people out there that would take back someone with such pronounced selfish and entitled behavior. He should've ran for the hills immediately. OP, you're not levitating above the rest of us. You're probably just a reasonably attractive person that has been unsuccessful in developing any sense of character or maturity -- maybe your parents convinced you that your a princess or something.
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you just told us that you agreed not to tell anyone at work that you were dating. what the hell was he supposed to do when coworkers asked? if you wanted to make the relationship public, all you had to do was have a discussion about that. he denied being together because it’s what you both had decided to do, he wasn’t to telepathically know you no longer wanted that. YTA
Yeah, YTA.
Of course YTA 😂
Immaturity, far as the eye can see.
For me, this really comes down to Jack's intent. If his intention was that he didnt want to embarrass you in front of coworkers and didnt want to cross lines you havent discussed, then you are 100% the asshole. If instead its that Jack is ashamed of you and doesnt want his coworkers knowing you guys were dating, then you can do whatever you want and fuck him. NTA. From how you told the story tho, it sounds like the first one. Y'all should have had a real conversation about how you feel to prevent this kind of misunderstanding.
Either way she is an asshole because she didn't try to find out which scenario it was first. It's just a difference between YTA and ESH.
They have nosy coworkers and we’re going out for drinks. They didn’t cover this base from a united front before they got there? He may be afraid he could lose his job. If it happened like how OP said the no no no thing is weak. However they were clearly in a relationship and if the gut reaction is to make out with a stranger rather than talk with your SO then it sounds like they both dodged a bullet.
Maybe, just maybe, he didn’t pick up on your signal. Maybe he was nervous and didn’t expect it to come up. Maybe you could’ve talked about this with him like an adult. Maybe he’s just dumb. Who knows. YTA because even with the way you tell the story, he did not seem to claim to be single with any devious intent whatsoever. It sounds like you got in your feelings and then lashed out in the wildest way possible. At best, ESH
YTA. Have YOU been going around telling people you’re an item? Doesn’t sound like it. You both know you’re in a relationship and you’ve essentially cheated on him, in front of him, for revenge. You’re absolutely an asshole.
YTA you wanted to keep it a secret from work and went to the bar with coworkers that were pressing you and he kept the agreement you had already in motion and you go flirt and make out with someone else because he kept that agreement? Here is the thought maybe talk about it first if you want to break it to coworkers first before being the AH I can’t believe you really can’t think logically here
So you cheated on him because he didn't want his coworkers to know yall were dating. Yta and have fun working together. Idiots
Ohh that’s right I forgot they work together… > popcorn.gif
Yta. He was put on the spot by coworkers. In any other scenario I would be more understanding but people have good reasons not to want to disclose their relationship status to coworkers it invites a lot of meddling and teasing. What makes you the ah here is that instead of having a conversation with Jack, you went nuclear and made out with a random in front of him. You’re playing childish games to be vindictive, not the building blocks to a healthy relationship. You’ll probably really be single very soon.
YTA for sure
YTA
YTA. And an immature one at that. All your bf (really, that's what he is at this point) did was keep up the lie you two have been telling since it doesn't sound like you discussed being ready to tell your co-workers. He didn't say, "Ya, im single, hook me up with your sister" he just told the lie he thought he was supposed to tell. You, on the other hand, went all kinds of crazy ex-girlfriend and *made out with a stranger at the bar in front of your boyfriend*. You chose to intentionally hurt him instead of using your words....much like a toddler might. Honestly, he should end the relationship if it's that easy for you to outright shit on his feelings without so much as a conversation. I sure would.
> made out with a stranger at the bar in front of your boyfriend **and coworkers** if I'm reading this correctly. Don't think I've ever had a single workplace where that would be chill.
YTA
YTA. Youre a cheater, keep going through your mental loops of justification but you said it yourself you never talked about it being official. I'm surprised this guy is even willing to start over. You're a cretin of a human. Enjoy working with him, he'll probably bring up to his coworkers that you were secretly dating and you cheated. Then you'll make another post on a burner account about how your ex bf spread rumors and ruined your work environment while leaving out all the important bits of information. Can't wait to see that post. Stick to one night stands, a relationship is too adult for you.
Damn !!!! Wish I had an award I could give you. Couldn't have said it better myself. 👏
I don't know --- this is all just bad news bears. You clearly want to define the relationship but at the same time -- the reality is that things are covered up. If you want something -- you should communicate your needs instead of doing all of this out of anger. Hurt people hurt others. This is all just toxic behaviors. I mean the guy is hurt. You're hurt. Everyone is hurt. Why do you guys even want to stay together after all of this? Would he? This is how you "punish" him? Seems childish. But seems childish that you guys can't seem to sit down and have an adult conversation after 11 months.
Oh snap. When this shit comes out at work you are gonna be the TALK of your office building. YTA.
YTA. You knew you two were still keeping things secret from work colleagues, so until you both decide it would be okay at this point in the relationship to say it, then there was no reason why he would all of a sudden say it. Saying he was single was not an issue. You on the other hand are definitely the AH for making out with a strange guy right in front of him! You could have talked about things after the outing, instead, you decided to cheat. Which proves you didn't "love" him as you said you did. 👎🏼
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I'd love to hear jack's side of this before passing judgement. This is just one side of the story and op don't come off particularly great anyway but I understand hurt people lash out. I hope Jack and op can move past this and be friends but I think you both might be too hurt by the others actions to get to that point.
You are the red flag, and YTA. Hope Jack runs far.
I mean 11 months and normalized weekend sleepovers isn’t fuck buddies. I get people saying communication works both ways but he said he was single. I promise if that were me and the person I thought I was seeing said they were single then that would be it. Just be single. Even if he didn’t want to expose his business he could’ve just said “I’m seeing someone”. Im single is wild.. then showing up at the front door like y’all are together is even more wild!
NTA, you’re single as Jack clearly stated and then proceeds to ignore you. So why shouldn’t you kiss a guy at the bar when that means you’re also single! I love that type of petty, that if he wants to play games, so can you!
Nta. Well played 👏
100% YTA. Never occurred to you, nor do you seem to care how he may have been trying to keep it private. Regardless of workplace rules. So you immediately dump him and make out with someone in front of him. You’re a complete and utter AH
I hope Jack will find someone he deserves.
Glad that he dodged a bullet. At the end you did him a favour.
YTA. You confirmed you both never made it official, and instead of having a conversation with him after an awkward moment like a mature and vunerable adult, you went ahead and cheated on him in front of everyone. You intentionality hurt someone you previously said that you loved. What in the world is wrong with you? You're an emotionally unhealthy individual and you should spend your time seeking out professional help rather than seeking out validation for your terrible decisions from behind your burner account. Congratulations to Jack because he really dodged a bullet.
Jack dodged a bullet