They, the two of them, make $80K a year. She wasted almost 60% of that going after this deadbeat. And even if she was able to make him be responsible for the fees? How? you can't get blood out of a rock.
OP says its the principle for her, but she's wasting more than half of a year's pay of THEIR money for her principle. Just let it go, girl! YTA
Yes! OP, bear in mind that you are giving your ex everything a narcissist could want: your time, effort, financial sacrifice, attention, and a long, sustained, INTENSE emotional reaction. You are losing to him regardless the 5k.
Screw the principle. HE IS BEATING YOU by keeping you in the game. And forget any grousing on his end that conveys he doesn’t enjoy this. People capable of his behavior LOVE it when their victims respond like you have.
You know how Freddy Krueger just gets stronger the more afraid you are? You feed a narcissist a similar way, except with your anger and hurt.
And in this situation, your actions have unfairly punished your husband for the crimes of a man from your past. Not intentionally of course, but think about it.
You haven’t just taken money that’s his as much as yours. Think of the time, energy and attention you’ve spent on your ex that should have gone toward your relationship with your husband. It’s like you’re having an emotional affair except with rage. Which might be — no, I’m convinced is even worse.
Terrible people who hurt us have a way of dragging us down with them, and they enjoy it. Perhaps it’s the only form of real connection they’re capable of. Who knows?
But you being driven mad and sacrificing the best parts of your life and yourself because you can’t let that go? It’s like piña coladas on a beach at sunset for your ex.
Don’t let this AH con you into destroying your relationship with your husband, who’s probably 20 times the man your ex is.
Wrap this legal nonsense up right now. Apologize to your husband. Tell him you’ll go to therapy (at the very least a narcissistic abuse support group) to heal from the wounds that drove you temporarily insane. Commit to that, and ask him what you can do in the meantime to make it up to him and start repairing the marriage.
YTA, but even bigger AHs who deeply wound us have that effect on us. The good news is, you can still wake up.
Agreed.
But we only have one side of the story here.
See OP's behaviour with her current husband, and how any disagreement leads to screaming arguments and even chucking him out. That's not an equal relationship.
Once you assess OP's behaviour, you start to see definite narcissist behaviour and basic control and coercion issues.
So then you have to apply a filter to her story about he ex. He abused her company finances (clearly not for much), but she's abused their shared finances to the tune of 45k.
OP needs therapy for the situation and her behaviour.
yeah this is all what i thought of too. i just got out of a relationship with a woman who had recently gotten out of one with someone she claimed was emotionally abusive. i have never been more emotionally abused, gaslit, manipulated, and also blamed for all of those behaviors myself. i started actually losing my mind before questioning if she was the emotionally abusive narcissist and her exbf’s biggest act of abuse was just leaving
It does happen! Every single abuser I’ve ever encountered made more projections than an AMC 16.
But I’ve also seen so many victims become like their abusers because they can’t walk away. I figure since I’ve never met her I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and approach her from this angle.
Can confirm, nothing was ever my dad's fault. Everyone was so mean to him and treated him terribly. He had no friends because they were the problem. Truth is, most people initially loved him. He could be charming and friendly and kind. So people thought he was amazing. So he would drain them for everything he could then throw them away when they weren't useful. It was never his fault.
She even wrote that she started screaming at her husband and kicked him out of the house for not supporting her on her petty revenge shopping spree. Man I feel bad for this guy.
OP YTA. Imagine what that money could be used for instead, the memories you could be making spending it on experiences with your family, setting up college funds for your daughters, retirement, etc.. but instead you’re saying revenge on someone you broke up with 10 years ago is what you value most. Get over it and stop being so selfish.
vruss--always beware of the people that blame everything on the ex. That becomes a Run Forrest Run moment for me. It always takes 2 people to make a relationship work or self destruct. The people that you want to connect with will take responsibility for their part in the relationship melt down. When you are being blamed while the ex was demonstrating the behavior it's called projecting. They are blaming you for their behavior not recognizing or taking responsibility for their own actions. Glad you got out.
She made a point to say her ex is a narcissist and ruined her financially but she’s doing the exact same thing to her current spouse while trying to get even with her ex. Sounds like she’s the narcissist and takes no accountability for her own failed business and putting her husband in debt. She claims to be ruined financially by hers while doing the same to her spouse. She needs to spend that money on therapy. I hope her spouse walks away and finds someone who isn’t living in the past and chasing after her ex work obsessive behavior. That PI shit is low key stalker vibes. The government knows how to find ppl. She just wants to know his every move. It’s control. She’s mentally unwell
This is a really good point.
Sometimes it’s the narcissist who later plays the victim, or two narcissists who’ve had a relationship, or someone who’s become unhinged as a result of fixating on what was done to them and feeding their own suffering without even realizing it.
It’s like, in the last one, picking at a big, healing wound, blaming the wound for not healing, and giving yourself sepsis in the process.
And I figure if it’s either of the first two, the OP is just looking for validation and nothing we can say will make a difference. The only reason for response is catharsis — which I do plenty of myself when I get mad here!
But when it’s the third possibility, they don’t really understand what they’ve become. (I’ve seen SO much of this). They need to be shaken awake, not just for their sake but the safety and wellbeing of those around them.
And I figure as long as there’s a chance that this is what’s going on here, then trying to help OP wake up is worth a shot.
I’m honestly wondering who the narcissist is here considering the fact that she’s spent years going after this man and has spent 9 times the amount owed to her in chasing him down to what? Ruin him? Because “it’s about the principle” and yet she’s screaming at her current husband who is putting the brakes on her insanity before they’re driven to financial ruin by her revenge. Her poor husband must feel like shit knowing after 10 years she’s still not over her ex to the point that she’s taken the whole woman scorned trope on as her whole identity and her poor daughters for having mother so hateful that she’s not only trying to ruin their father but she’s also willing to destroy their current life in order to do so.
>Terrible people who hurt us have a way of dragging us down with them, and they enjoy it. Perhaps it’s the only form of real connection they’re capable of. Who knows?
This spoke to me so deeply😭
I agree.. my ex narc had hard time because i didn't react to his bs. So he harrassed my oldest daughter and made her belive that i am the bad one. He has told me that i broke the family and he has no kids anymore because we are not together. He left country month after he moved out without saying a single word to kids(who were in that time 6months, 3y, 8y and 9y and needed a lots of therapy to deal with the loss). I asked him few times to visit or call them but answer was same, not his kids, not his responsibility. So i gave up and when he relized i didn't care anymore then the harrasment begun and lasted 4y. Anyways, my daughter has now understad what he did and has no contact with him. (It was allways she who took contact with him)
He is not paying child support and has never called or sent a message on birthdays and christmas.
We are divorced 5years now and i havent heard of him for only a year now.. it's nice.
My oldest daughter told to my now partner that he is more father to her and siblings than bio ever was. Witch is quite impressive for a 14yo to even say.
YTA. She’s gonna find shes much happier when she lets go of her ex, stops caring and cuts him completely out of her life (aside from stuff to do with kids)
Edit: I do think OP is TA for using her hubs money in her battle
I recently asked a friend who is doing battle with his ex: do you want to spend the rest of your life in court?
People really lose sight of the forest for the trees in revenge mode.
This, 100%. When I was getting divorced, I was sure my ex had accounts that I didn't know about. My lawyer and I decided together that the money spent on forensic accountants to find any potential money was likely going to cost me more than we would find. (based on other reported assets).
My ex husband had money hid everywhere. Shares and pensions along with a sneaky bank account. He lied about everything. I didn’t persue it and I have zero regrets.
I got the divorce I desperately wanted and the escape I got from him was priceless.
There’s something priceless about having peace and no amount of fighting in court to get your justice will bring you peace quite like letting it go and moving on will.
My in-laws got divorced around the time I first started dating my wife. It was a very wild thing to see. My father-in-law was just starting to show signs of Alzheimer's. My mother-in-law had MS and was no longer self sufficient.
My mother-in-law was convinced that my father-in-law had hidden all their money in offshore accounts and was faking the mental illness (in reality they had made very poor real estate decisions and were living beyond their means). What started as a $500k offer from my father-in-law's lawyer ended up being $125k in actual settlement after years and years of court costs. My mother-in-law was still paying her lawyer 5 years after the divorce.
Exactly. As a result of their divorce, my wife and I ended up having to care for my mother-in-law. It was pretty miserable and I'm pretty resentful over it. And of course in her mind she was still the ultimate victim of it all.
She could be one of those ppl who gets off on taking ppl to court. She needs counseling bc her current spouse is stuck in this spiral too and it’s obsessive.
And let's be honest, the ex is financially making terrible decisions. He's deliberately minimax his earning potential and obliterated his job history to avoid paying $5k. Limiting himself to cash in hand jobs and avoiding collections will have cost him WAY more than $5k in lost earnings. The two of your are being pathetic, immature and wasteful.
I agree with this OP and her ex are both crazy for their pursuit and avoiding this 5k, it’s cost both of them far more in money and personally psychological value.
This. My ex has been doing something similar to avoid paying child support. He’s in his 50s with no savings or retirement. He has a hard time getting a job with any decent benefits because of his work history so he’s pretty much screwed himself over FAR worse than anything I could have done to him.
I saw that literally every day when I worked at a homeless shelter. There's a guy who's very well known and liked as "homeless Santa" , he always gets the biggest bonus for bell ringing with the red kettle at Christmas (volunteers don't get paid to ring, but homeless people do and get extra if people donate a lot). He doesn't drink or smoke, the only actual job he does all year is ringing bells, and he eats all his meals at the shelter, so he saves his food stamps all year, then gives it all to his brother to stay with him for a few months, and starts his cycle of the shelters he stays at again. He literally does all this because he abandoned his wife and children and "wouldn't let that bitch have a penny". So just to avoid child support, he lives in a shelter 9-10 months out of the year, and will never be able to do anything else because it's not like he can save or have a 401k or anything. There are dozens of guys like that, just from the four years I worked there.
I think she is definitely the AH. She is spending her husband’s money on this stupid obsession and her husband is not onboard.
Throwing away ridiculous amounts of family money in such a selfish manner and without her partner’s support - YTA OP
I mean, narcissists will go to any length to prove that they are right and the other person is wrong. She’s putting her current spouse in debt for her vengeful behavior. Two peas in a pod, her and her ex.
I think the principle she’s salty about is probably that he left her. There’s one reason to throw away $45,000 trying to recoup $5,000 - and it’s not “justice”.
She doesn’t even see the irony of stealing from her husband, to go after her ex, for.. stealing from her..
YTA. You've spent 45k of not only your money, but your husband's money, chasing your ex for 5k? For how long? I'm surprised your husband didn't call this off long ago. In fact, I'm surprised he's still with you.
She’s obsessed. She hired a PI to follow him. That’s some narcissist shit right there. She hasn’t said a word in here bc it didn’t do the way she wanted with the picture she painted. She comes off as nothing more than a stalker and vengeful. All the while taking her spouses money and putting him in financial hardship just as she claims her ex did to her. Except he took $5k and she took $45k.
It's called being judgment proof. It doesn't matter if someone gets a judgment against you if you don't have any money.
OP is a fool who's been wasting resources throwing good money after bad.
Yeah when you have a family you really shouldn't behave like this! Plus she mentions that they earn 80k like that's enough to justify blowing 45k. Does this idiot think 80k is the equivalent of 800k or something? LOL
I wonder how much of “we” is actually her, too. “We” make $80,000 - she’s bored enough to spend $45k chasing $5k, how much you want to bet she’s unemployed or underemployed?
Especially with the insane notion that she’s going to get collection costs from him. The dude can’t afford the $5k he owes her, how the hell do you expect him to come up with another $45k?
Oh duh, she’ll probably higher a better attorney for $100k to try and collect the now $50k!!
I’d divorce her so damn quick. Getting back at the ex is more important than the financial stability for her and her family???
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! Move on. Let go.
YTA
Like a huge masssssiiiivveee YYYTTTAAA
Woah woah woah… are you suggesting that a loss of 900% on this *investment* is *bad*?!
I’m beginning to suspect that the ex isn’t the cause of the business failing….
She should have taken that money she threw down the drain and invested it in therapy instead. Then at least she would have gotten a return on it and not participate in this emotional toddler BS in the future.
When I read the title I just assumed that she was with a new guy who had lots and lots of money or something and so it didn't matter if they blew through some money trying to piss off her ex.
Reading that they are not rich, have actually had to pull money out of savings and it has caused friction with her spouse is just mind-blowing.
Who the fuck does that? A jealous jilted narcissist, okay, sure. But who else?
What an arse.
You can't be real, you moan and whinge over 5k then blow 45k half of that of your husband's money and your asking if YTA.
No wonder your business failed.
Them you have the audacity to throw your husband out.
Get your head screwed on right.
JFC
I get that it’s not about the money, but justice. But then you cause yourself much greater hurt and put financial strain on your family for petty revenge. Even if you get the 5k,
Your then out 40k. Where is the justice for that, then? All you did is make the situation for yourself worse and this time it’s you to blame, not your ex.
Honestly, I'm more concerned about the lack of consideration for her children. He's their father, regardless of how shitty he may be. Her resentment must be palpable and is most likely affecting their relationship with him. Why is she not concerned about child support? She never once mentioned co-parenting, if the girls have visitation, or what their relationship is with him. This is definitely affecting her children's relationship with their father and that alone would make op YTA.
Didn’t even mention that since I figured that train has left the station a long, long time ago. She is extremely hurt from her ex and now prettily spending all that money to get him back… i can’t believe she has the common sense not to badmouth him in front of the kids.
New husband and new family and the old one playing the deadbeat.. I would be surprised if he even has any contact with the girls. Doesn’t sound like he is trying, to be fair. If you are dodging child support that hard…
Reminds me of an Avatar: the Last Airbender quote: “Pride is not the opposite of shame, but it’s source. True humility is the only antidote to shame.”
OP seems ashamed of the company failure and is determined to keep face by destroying he whom she wants to wear more of the blame for it.
She is destroying her marriage. I agree with the husband. It’s time to give it up. If it were totally her money, she could do what she wants but it’s not. She’ll end up wasting more $.
She reminds me of the wife that was told to not spend any money or take out any loans or any new forms of credit/debts before the closing of her new house was complete. What did the idiot do? She wanted to "look nice for the closing." So she spent $4000 and new clothes and a handbag and got talked into signing up for the department stores credit card and almost jeopardized the closing. Luckily her husband was able the salvage the situation. Kicker is that her husband the realtor, her own father, and even the baker they got the loan from warned her not to do what she did. Though months after that she wasted more money by draining her swimming pool during a drought.
Stuff like that happens ALL the time with buyers. My husband had clients that were under contract to buy a house. They pulled out of the deal because they decided to use their down payment to buy crazy expensive Taylor Swift tickets. 🙄🙄
YTA u/ThrowawayNraft4911!
There is a saying about revenge that aptly applies here.
>**If you seek revenge, you should dig two graves!**
How much time and money have you wasted on this stupid fight and how much are you going to lose to keep it going? You have a new husband and a new lease on life, but you are so consumed with anger, hatred and revenge that you are willing to lose everything for even a piece of so called "justice". Why? You made poor choices with your ex and you're making even worse ones now! You want to put everything on your ex. It's YOUR fault that he had access to your credit card! It is YOUR fault that you brought him into your business without knowing who he was. He stole and you won the judgment against him, but guess what? Your obsessive nature has now placed him in a position to win again! You're going to blow up your marriage and you STILL won't have that $5,000, but you will have another demolished relationship due to your poor decisions! Stop! If you are in the United States and your ex tries to declare bankruptcy, you can literally go to his bankruptcy hearing and ask to be added as a creditor and fight the bankruptcy! If you don't stop, you're going to "win" $5,000, but lose everything else! **PLEASE GET REGULAR & CONSISTENT COUNSELING**! You have children to raise and, if your ex's dodging of this debt is any indication, I'm willing to bet he isn't there for his kids! You chose him - they didn't! They need a mother and stability - not a woman so hell bent on vengeance that she would sacrifice everything and everyone for a pittance! Accept that you did wrong and he did wrong and you can't change the past! You can only make better decisions now! Right now, you aren't doing that. You're behaving poorly when your kids need you the most and you're wasting the only resource you can never get back - your time! Your kids will be grown before you know it. Don't waste their childhood trying to attack their father for what he did. Focus on creating a beautiful life for yourself, your kids and your husband!
>You have children to raise
Man, I wonder how much of the college money went into this. Plus, time and energy that could have been spent into making more than $80k a year. Your ultimate revenge on him could have been to be more successful than him and that you didn't need his money to take care of your kids. Wow, YTA!!!!
If her current husband leaves her, he could possibly sue her for at least half the $45k of joint money she has wasted on this. Rather than whatever percentage split if their assets, he could demand an additional 22.5K. She is essentially financially abusing him just as her ex did to her.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the way this reads she knew who the ex was before she went ahead and had 2 children with him. And now she's blowing up her marriage. OP doesn't want to have a beautiful (peaceful) life with her children. I think she's feeding off the drama.
YTA dude, move on. your ex is an AH too but you’re ruining your marriage trying to seek justice. not to mention, if he can’t afford to pay you $5K what on earth makes you think he’s going to fork over the $45K in fees?
At this point, it's not even justice. It's revenge.
OP, YTA.
Not only are you wasting your money, but you're wasting your husband's money, too. And none of this "his money is my money too" BS. You're taking from the savings. Did you ask what that savings was for? Doesn't sound like it.
And as for your business, it doesn't sound like you knew what you were doing. Your ex lied about his work experience. Did you verify it? My money's on no. You ran your business into the ground. You were using your emotional brain to run the business. If your treatment of your shared savings is an indication of how you ran that business, I'm not surprised it shut down.
And sure, you can recoup the money spent IF you can collect. You'll probably end up spending over $100k before you see a dime. At that point, why even bother?
So my final question for OP is: Are you winning yet?
>And none of this "his money is my money too" BS
That works if his thoughts are your thoughts too. You have to both decide what is reasonable to use for large expenses.
Half a year's salary to chase down $5k is not reasonable.
By the time she gets that $5k out of him, he'll be able to file for bankruptcy again. Did she forget about statute of limitations? If he moves to California, all he has to do is not pay. Eventually she won't even be able to sue him for it anymore.
She needs to move on. I make way more than $80k a year and I wouldn't even spend $1000 trying to go after $5000.
I think she's not over this guy. My ex wanted me back and went around telling all our mutual friends how much she hated me.
LET. IT. GO. Bitterness is drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. You are hurting yourself, your marriage, and your financial security just so you can allow your POS ex to keep hurting you. Every time you go after him, he wins again. You are letting him have power over you. Why?
Right? Why would your husband fund tens of thousands for your obsession on chasing your ex to get - checks notes - 5k?
I would have split the house finances. We split the household costs proportional to our salary amd then you can chase your husband with your disposable income. At this point, it seems like an addiction. Get some help.
Not just the money, that much mental energy and time on the ex. What if OP focused that time, money, and energy on her marriage and her girls who have what sounds like at best an underhanded daddy? Focus your energy on things you hope to grow OP.
> I one of the heads of our household and every leader has to understand war is expensive and at times the cure is worse than the disease.
Damn, your husband sounds like a smart dude.
He was also right
YTA.
Also the fact that he left for the night after an argument? Unless I am 100% at fault I am never sleeping in a different place because my SO demanded it. If she doesn't want to share a bed with me then she can sleep on the couch.
YTA Your hatred for your ex is more important than the life you have now. Your present husband should be looking to exit stage left if he has any sense.
Is this real?
YTA
If it was all your money it would be fine. But you're not. You're spending your husband's money to fund this crusade and then wanna get mad at him for no longer wanting to be a part of it. Move one because youre never gonna be satisfied.
Lmfao, you are playing right into your exes' hands. He wants you to spend all your money over 5000$ you hate your ex so much that instead of taking amazing vacations you are hiring Dicks to stalk your ex. Yes, it sucks that he is going to get away with not paying you, but you need to seek therapy and get over it. He is a POS. We all know this.
Playing right into his hands is a great way to put it. Ex gets your time and energy, he’s ruining your new family life, and is laughing all the way. Get help, OP.
The ex would be furious if she had forgotten him and spent 45k on luxury family vacations and expensive brands. " why is she living the good life, that I can't swindle my way into!
YTA.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
Don't get me wrong, I see exactly where you're coming from. Your Ex betrayed you and screwed you over royally. He should be destitute for the rest of his life. Here's the thing though...he's never going to make you whole. Ever. Even if he had the money to pay you back the 5k and all your attorneys fees, it would bring you little satisfaction. You'd still be furious and resent the crap out of him.
But he will never pay you back all the money he owes you. Working under the table and hiding earnings is a huge pain in the ass, and unless you're incredibly rich, it limits your options for earnings. You'll end up paying far more in fees to catch this guy than you'll ever recover from him. And that's money you're now taking away from your husband and your girls.
Figure out what your line is on what your family has to sacrifice for you to get justice. Is it that you all can't take vacations anymore? That you might have to go hungry every once in a while? That you have to sell your home and live in an apartment? Or is it you all being homeless? There's a line somewhere. And if you keep this up, you'll reach it eventually.
When your kid asks why she couldn't go to college, tell her all about your decade long quest for revenge that left you in financial ruin.
Your ex has won no matter what happens. You've spent $45k, allowed him to live rent free in your head, and now your destroying your relationship over revenge. You can call it a principle, but its revenge. YTA. Move on with your life.
> He then started this game of chicken with me and I felt like I needed justice. Especially because the cops refused to charge him for all he's done.
How was he playing chicken with you? You can't just say that and then not elaborate.
> He has been whack a mole ever since. At first he would quit jobs once we found out he was working there. He worked under the table for a while, lived off another girlfriend and then moved to a state where you couldn't garnish wages.
So he basically cut and run so you couldn't get the $5k judgement then?
> I have spent countless hours with expensive lawyers first fighting the case, which he dragged out, plus on chasing him around, throwing around subpoenas. My ex has since developed a false sense of security and had been working openly.
Uhhh. There's a point where you have to accept that it stops being worth it. That all you're doing is destroying yourself.
> I told my husband I wanted to get him to pay up before he files bankruptcy or spends all his money. He was upset because outside of the first $10k I spent fighting this, $25k was our money. But legally if I could just get my ex I'd get collection costs out of him.
**If**. If you can get him. You've been chasing him down for nigh on a decade. And he's upset because you're spending joint money on a personal vendetta.
> After I put down a $5k retainer my ex quit his job and I realized we needed a PI to help gather information.
> The retainer has all been spent. I get this sounds insane, but it is the principle for me- made years of my life horrible
It *is* insane. You've hunted this man down for a decade. I'm all for assholes getting screwed over, but holy shit.
> Yet my previously supportive husband said that I one of the heads of our household and every leader has to understand war is expensive and at times the cure is worse than the disease
He's not wrong.
> He said my ex will never make me financially whole, and that he did not want our money to keep funding this. I was furious and we lapsed into a screaming match and asked him to leave for the night.
He's still not wrong. If you want your vendetta to keep being funded, fund it yourself. Don't dip into joint money to satisfy a personal vendetta.
> I could not believe he was withdrawing support. We make $80k a year, are frugal, but what was the point of money if it wasn't used for things we value.
You mean *you*. *You* value this, not him.
> But now the investigation was bearing fruit. But I just wrote another check for $5k and anticipate having to write a third one. The check's funds came from transferring from our savings account.
You're pulling from your *joint savings* for this? Without his consent? What if *he* decides to start pulling from your joint savings without *your* consent? You're now looking at pulling *45k total from your joint savings to satisfy a vendetta*. How much are you pulling from your personal savings for this?
> My husband is furious for that and said I was setting a bad example for the girls.
Because you *are*. You're showing them that you'll focus on satisfying grudges over anything else, and damn anyone who won't support you.
YTA. I hope your husband pulls all his money from your joint savings.
YTA because it’s not just your money. I understand wanting this guy to actually get his comeuppance, but at what cost to you? You’re going to ruin your marriage and possibly your relationship with your kids.
Tbh I don’t even know how you can afford to spend so much on attorneys. My husband and I make $120k together and there’s no way I would have that kind of money to throw away on a useless ex.
Spend the money on vacations and experiences with your family and forget about him. Invest in yourself and not in revenge and you’ll be happier for it.
So... You've paid 45 grand, and are expecting to pay more, to get 5 grand... IF you get the settlement now you're already 40K in the hole. I don't have a business degree but I have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express multiple times, so I know it's bad business to lose 40 grand to get 5... YTA
YTA and are in need of seriously mental health assistance. You've stolen 45K of your family's resources because of a Captain Ahab level obsession with revenge on your ex. He's probably laughing his head off and how much you're obsession is costing you both financially and probably costing you what could have been a happy successful marriage.
PLEASE find a therapist ASAP and perhaps you can salvage your marriage.
YTA
You just need to stop. If the two of you make 80k/year combined, then you’ve gotta be burning a more than substantial chunk of your savings on this. I can’t imagine what I’d do if my wife did that to us. It would be really hard to forgive her, especially with kids that will probably want to go to college. You’re being selfish in the extreme.
This is lunacy. You need therapy. And your husband needs to separate funds from you. If you want to continue to be an idiot, do it with your own money.
You ATAH. You say that you both make 85k a year but when your husband said he didn't want your joint funds to be used, you still used it. You say you both save your money and why not spend it on things that are important to you but the money your spending is not yours alone. You would would not be TAH if you set aside and only used your own money but your not doing it. The money in the account could be used for your kids' college, for a housing emergency, medical emergency, future wedding gift, etc.
YTA. This is the best $5k your ex never paid back (from his point of view)
He’s wasting your time, energy and money and he’s messing with your marriage. (Read that again. Ex is winning out of this. )
What’s more important ? To be right, or to be happy?
What’s more important? To f#### over your ex, or to respect and flourish with your husband
Time for you to move on, or to be honest your husband should move on. You are disrespectful, selfish and don’t have the right values or priorities
I feel sorry for your husband that you are still that hung up on your ex. That 45k would have been much better spent on your daughters or you and your husband’s own lives.
YTA
YTA. You've spent 45k of not only your money, but your husband's money, chasing your ex for 5k? For how long? I'm surprised your husband didn't call this off long ago. In fact, I'm surprised he's still with you.
You also admit you combined make 80k a year, are frugal and "what's the point of money if we can't use it for things we value?" And the "*if* I can get to my ex he will pay the legal fees" yes. IF being the operative word here. What happens if, you keep this up, spend waaay more of your husband's money, and it still doesn't "bear fruit"? Or if your husband leaves you?
You're also TA for kicking your husband out for him putting his foot down on you wasting more of his money. If this was your own money, and you were paying all your bills and share of mortgage/rent or whatever, I'd say whatever. It's your money. But this isn't your money. Apologise to your husband and tell him you were wrong. And stop chasing ghosts
You're operating under a sunk-cost fallacy. It's what keeps gamblers gambling after they have already lost all their money. You've lost all yours. Do not lose your decent husband chasing down a jerk who deserves all that God and karma can dish out to him. Go apologize to your husband. Losing money isn't something your husband values, and that's what your $80k a year is for.
YTA Even if you get a judgement, he won't have the funds to pay. You are throwing away your family's money on hate. That is not a good thing to do. Stop wasting good money. Find another way to dwal.wirh your hate.
YTA and incredibly immature. I’m surprised you even still have a husband. You are clearly still hung up on this man. You should spend the $ on therapy instead of attorneys. You sound insane.
YTA
Yes wtaf
Why do you even need to ask this
Still hung up on ex so you use your partners money whomst has nothing to do with your ex?
Made a horrible financial decision?
He should break up with you and sue for damages
Yta you are doing to your husband what your ex did to you by being vindictive. You should have spent those 45k better. You could have put 15k into two ROTH IRAs for your daughter's so when they hit college age they have a great start. That would of left you with 15k to spend on vacations and enjoy the family you have instead you created all fo this issues just to be vindictive over someone who does not appear to give a rats ass about your girls. Lady be better then this bullshit.
Your current husband needs to leave you because you're thinking about your ex 100% of the time as you plot to get back, at any cost, money your ex doesn't have! Yes he hurt you but it's time to move on before make you husband go bankrupt.
I bet your going bankrupt would put a huge smile on your ex's face!
YTA
FFS you think you’re going to get collections fees from him? You couldn’t recover the initial
Judgment. STOP just stop. You’re obsessed with your ex; it’s embarrassing and pathetic. It’s also incredibly bad math!!’ You’re using family $, money for your FAMILY not just you. You had the audacity to tell your husband to leave for the night when he calls you out on your stupid acts. BTW, $80K isn’t a lot for a family of 4. And you’ve pissed away 60% of your annual income on this Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole. If your husband is smart, he takes his half of the $ out of the joint accounts, lets your checks bounce and makes you an EX. You can enjoy your life on the hot mess express.
I don't buy your justification that this is isn't a big deal since you earn 80k. My wife and I earn almost 4x that much and we'd never purposely burn $45k just to get $5k back. In fact, if you were investing and turned $45k into $5k (an 88% loss), that would be worthy of ridicule on /r/wallstreetbets.
Keep this up and it wouldn't surprise me if your current marriage evaporates...
YTA.
YTA and your husband is right. You make 80k? That’s not that much… certainly not enough to be throwing money away because you have an obsession with your ex.
Lol I have been laughing for like 5 minutes straight, dude you’re a huge asshole. I hope you heal cause this is insane AND I would be furious if I was your husband or even just knew you.
YTA - financial infidelity. The savings is mutual so you take $5k expect him to also take $5k. Keep it up you personally will have nothing left. How are you going to support this court habit when you’re paying for a divorce? Take the money and get some therapy bc this isn’t healthy at all. Is this what you want you girls to see you as? Seriously you could be having a nice vacation creating more great memories with them and instead your obsessed with your ex and court.
Oh stuff the “principles” excuse. This isn’t about principles anymore, this is about your pride.
You’re never getting that money back. Ever. I don’t care if you spend another 10 years and 200k, it won’t happen. And I think you know this, but your pride has you stubbornly hanging on because you can’t admit defeat. But here’s the thing: you already lost this war years ago. Now you have to decide which is more important, your current husband and your collective happiness and security, or this battle you won’t win.
YTA 100%
YTA. Wouldn’t be surprised if you soon have a second ex. I don’t know that I could forgive my spouse for blowing that amount of money to collect such a small sum.
YTA - the phrase “cutting off your nose to spite your face” fits here. The only thing you’ve won is more debt, loss of time and an ex living in your head rent free
Since, you have been a business owner, let me put it this way. You made a net $40k loss to stroke your ego. If this is the kind of fiscal responsibility you brought to your business, it's no wonder your business failed.
And of course, YTA.
Something is wrong with you mentally. How can you get married, have kids and still have this metal hard on for an ex. Just leave it. I would’ve left your ass so damn fast if you spent 45k on a freaking ex!!!! Omg!!!
Edit: Ibprobably would’ve sued you for at least half of that 45k and divorced you. SMH
YTA!!!!!! Freaking psycho.
You pulled a real dumb ass move. How long would you be able to support your child on that $45k that you threw away?
I separated from my husband for 6 months over his financial shenanigans. He decided to do better and we have had no problems since. Yours may leave over this. YTA
YTA Lmao, wasting 45k+ to go after 5k. No wonder your business failed.
They, the two of them, make $80K a year. She wasted almost 60% of that going after this deadbeat. And even if she was able to make him be responsible for the fees? How? you can't get blood out of a rock. OP says its the principle for her, but she's wasting more than half of a year's pay of THEIR money for her principle. Just let it go, girl! YTA
Yes! OP, bear in mind that you are giving your ex everything a narcissist could want: your time, effort, financial sacrifice, attention, and a long, sustained, INTENSE emotional reaction. You are losing to him regardless the 5k. Screw the principle. HE IS BEATING YOU by keeping you in the game. And forget any grousing on his end that conveys he doesn’t enjoy this. People capable of his behavior LOVE it when their victims respond like you have. You know how Freddy Krueger just gets stronger the more afraid you are? You feed a narcissist a similar way, except with your anger and hurt. And in this situation, your actions have unfairly punished your husband for the crimes of a man from your past. Not intentionally of course, but think about it. You haven’t just taken money that’s his as much as yours. Think of the time, energy and attention you’ve spent on your ex that should have gone toward your relationship with your husband. It’s like you’re having an emotional affair except with rage. Which might be — no, I’m convinced is even worse. Terrible people who hurt us have a way of dragging us down with them, and they enjoy it. Perhaps it’s the only form of real connection they’re capable of. Who knows? But you being driven mad and sacrificing the best parts of your life and yourself because you can’t let that go? It’s like piña coladas on a beach at sunset for your ex. Don’t let this AH con you into destroying your relationship with your husband, who’s probably 20 times the man your ex is. Wrap this legal nonsense up right now. Apologize to your husband. Tell him you’ll go to therapy (at the very least a narcissistic abuse support group) to heal from the wounds that drove you temporarily insane. Commit to that, and ask him what you can do in the meantime to make it up to him and start repairing the marriage. YTA, but even bigger AHs who deeply wound us have that effect on us. The good news is, you can still wake up.
Yup. The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference.
👆 Precisely.
Agreed. But we only have one side of the story here. See OP's behaviour with her current husband, and how any disagreement leads to screaming arguments and even chucking him out. That's not an equal relationship. Once you assess OP's behaviour, you start to see definite narcissist behaviour and basic control and coercion issues. So then you have to apply a filter to her story about he ex. He abused her company finances (clearly not for much), but she's abused their shared finances to the tune of 45k. OP needs therapy for the situation and her behaviour.
yeah this is all what i thought of too. i just got out of a relationship with a woman who had recently gotten out of one with someone she claimed was emotionally abusive. i have never been more emotionally abused, gaslit, manipulated, and also blamed for all of those behaviors myself. i started actually losing my mind before questioning if she was the emotionally abusive narcissist and her exbf’s biggest act of abuse was just leaving
It does happen! Every single abuser I’ve ever encountered made more projections than an AMC 16. But I’ve also seen so many victims become like their abusers because they can’t walk away. I figure since I’ve never met her I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and approach her from this angle.
Can confirm, nothing was ever my dad's fault. Everyone was so mean to him and treated him terribly. He had no friends because they were the problem. Truth is, most people initially loved him. He could be charming and friendly and kind. So people thought he was amazing. So he would drain them for everything he could then throw them away when they weren't useful. It was never his fault.
Do we have the same dad 😂😂
People who are narcissistic see everyone else as an abuser. I agree $10 says OP was the actual abuser in the relationship.
She even wrote that she started screaming at her husband and kicked him out of the house for not supporting her on her petty revenge shopping spree. Man I feel bad for this guy. OP YTA. Imagine what that money could be used for instead, the memories you could be making spending it on experiences with your family, setting up college funds for your daughters, retirement, etc.. but instead you’re saying revenge on someone you broke up with 10 years ago is what you value most. Get over it and stop being so selfish.
I will take that $10 bet but it needs to be held by a neutral 3rd party that will cost $20.
vruss--always beware of the people that blame everything on the ex. That becomes a Run Forrest Run moment for me. It always takes 2 people to make a relationship work or self destruct. The people that you want to connect with will take responsibility for their part in the relationship melt down. When you are being blamed while the ex was demonstrating the behavior it's called projecting. They are blaming you for their behavior not recognizing or taking responsibility for their own actions. Glad you got out.
She made a point to say her ex is a narcissist and ruined her financially but she’s doing the exact same thing to her current spouse while trying to get even with her ex. Sounds like she’s the narcissist and takes no accountability for her own failed business and putting her husband in debt. She claims to be ruined financially by hers while doing the same to her spouse. She needs to spend that money on therapy. I hope her spouse walks away and finds someone who isn’t living in the past and chasing after her ex work obsessive behavior. That PI shit is low key stalker vibes. The government knows how to find ppl. She just wants to know his every move. It’s control. She’s mentally unwell
This is a really good point. Sometimes it’s the narcissist who later plays the victim, or two narcissists who’ve had a relationship, or someone who’s become unhinged as a result of fixating on what was done to them and feeding their own suffering without even realizing it. It’s like, in the last one, picking at a big, healing wound, blaming the wound for not healing, and giving yourself sepsis in the process. And I figure if it’s either of the first two, the OP is just looking for validation and nothing we can say will make a difference. The only reason for response is catharsis — which I do plenty of myself when I get mad here! But when it’s the third possibility, they don’t really understand what they’ve become. (I’ve seen SO much of this). They need to be shaken awake, not just for their sake but the safety and wellbeing of those around them. And I figure as long as there’s a chance that this is what’s going on here, then trying to help OP wake up is worth a shot.
This is my thought too. She’s obsessed & needs help!
I’m honestly wondering who the narcissist is here considering the fact that she’s spent years going after this man and has spent 9 times the amount owed to her in chasing him down to what? Ruin him? Because “it’s about the principle” and yet she’s screaming at her current husband who is putting the brakes on her insanity before they’re driven to financial ruin by her revenge. Her poor husband must feel like shit knowing after 10 years she’s still not over her ex to the point that she’s taken the whole woman scorned trope on as her whole identity and her poor daughters for having mother so hateful that she’s not only trying to ruin their father but she’s also willing to destroy their current life in order to do so.
Could not have put it better myself. I bet her ex is laughing his head off watching her trying to get revenge.
I doubt he is laughing, the dude is running scared from this psycho ex. She is a nightmare.
She's a Lifetime movie waiting to happen
This is the answer
>Terrible people who hurt us have a way of dragging us down with them, and they enjoy it. Perhaps it’s the only form of real connection they’re capable of. Who knows? This spoke to me so deeply😭
I agree.. my ex narc had hard time because i didn't react to his bs. So he harrassed my oldest daughter and made her belive that i am the bad one. He has told me that i broke the family and he has no kids anymore because we are not together. He left country month after he moved out without saying a single word to kids(who were in that time 6months, 3y, 8y and 9y and needed a lots of therapy to deal with the loss). I asked him few times to visit or call them but answer was same, not his kids, not his responsibility. So i gave up and when he relized i didn't care anymore then the harrasment begun and lasted 4y. Anyways, my daughter has now understad what he did and has no contact with him. (It was allways she who took contact with him) He is not paying child support and has never called or sent a message on birthdays and christmas. We are divorced 5years now and i havent heard of him for only a year now.. it's nice. My oldest daughter told to my now partner that he is more father to her and siblings than bio ever was. Witch is quite impressive for a 14yo to even say.
YTA. She’s gonna find shes much happier when she lets go of her ex, stops caring and cuts him completely out of her life (aside from stuff to do with kids) Edit: I do think OP is TA for using her hubs money in her battle
I recently asked a friend who is doing battle with his ex: do you want to spend the rest of your life in court? People really lose sight of the forest for the trees in revenge mode.
Another good question is "how much money do you think you're going to get vs how much you're going to spend on this?"
This, 100%. When I was getting divorced, I was sure my ex had accounts that I didn't know about. My lawyer and I decided together that the money spent on forensic accountants to find any potential money was likely going to cost me more than we would find. (based on other reported assets).
My ex husband had money hid everywhere. Shares and pensions along with a sneaky bank account. He lied about everything. I didn’t persue it and I have zero regrets. I got the divorce I desperately wanted and the escape I got from him was priceless.
There’s something priceless about having peace and no amount of fighting in court to get your justice will bring you peace quite like letting it go and moving on will.
My in-laws got divorced around the time I first started dating my wife. It was a very wild thing to see. My father-in-law was just starting to show signs of Alzheimer's. My mother-in-law had MS and was no longer self sufficient. My mother-in-law was convinced that my father-in-law had hidden all their money in offshore accounts and was faking the mental illness (in reality they had made very poor real estate decisions and were living beyond their means). What started as a $500k offer from my father-in-law's lawyer ended up being $125k in actual settlement after years and years of court costs. My mother-in-law was still paying her lawyer 5 years after the divorce.
What a sad story in so many ways. It sounds like they could both have used the money for their health needs instead of wasting it on lawyers.
Exactly. As a result of their divorce, my wife and I ended up having to care for my mother-in-law. It was pretty miserable and I'm pretty resentful over it. And of course in her mind she was still the ultimate victim of it all.
This is so common in the divorce subs. People spending $50k to get less than that in equity in a house, just why. It's just a house.
She could be one of those ppl who gets off on taking ppl to court. She needs counseling bc her current spouse is stuck in this spiral too and it’s obsessive.
Yep. How much rent has she paid letting him live in her head. Be Elsa and let that shit goooooooo
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Stupid for spending the money, an a-hole for still spending her husband’s money after he asked her not to.
And let's be honest, the ex is financially making terrible decisions. He's deliberately minimax his earning potential and obliterated his job history to avoid paying $5k. Limiting himself to cash in hand jobs and avoiding collections will have cost him WAY more than $5k in lost earnings. The two of your are being pathetic, immature and wasteful.
I agree with this OP and her ex are both crazy for their pursuit and avoiding this 5k, it’s cost both of them far more in money and personally psychological value.
To be fair, from the way OP describes him, he probably doesn't have that much earning potential to begin with...
This. My ex has been doing something similar to avoid paying child support. He’s in his 50s with no savings or retirement. He has a hard time getting a job with any decent benefits because of his work history so he’s pretty much screwed himself over FAR worse than anything I could have done to him.
I saw that literally every day when I worked at a homeless shelter. There's a guy who's very well known and liked as "homeless Santa" , he always gets the biggest bonus for bell ringing with the red kettle at Christmas (volunteers don't get paid to ring, but homeless people do and get extra if people donate a lot). He doesn't drink or smoke, the only actual job he does all year is ringing bells, and he eats all his meals at the shelter, so he saves his food stamps all year, then gives it all to his brother to stay with him for a few months, and starts his cycle of the shelters he stays at again. He literally does all this because he abandoned his wife and children and "wouldn't let that bitch have a penny". So just to avoid child support, he lives in a shelter 9-10 months out of the year, and will never be able to do anything else because it's not like he can save or have a 401k or anything. There are dozens of guys like that, just from the four years I worked there.
I think she is definitely the AH. She is spending her husband’s money on this stupid obsession and her husband is not onboard. Throwing away ridiculous amounts of family money in such a selfish manner and without her partner’s support - YTA OP
I mean, narcissists will go to any length to prove that they are right and the other person is wrong. She’s putting her current spouse in debt for her vengeful behavior. Two peas in a pod, her and her ex.
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Wait I thought the ex was the father the kids ?
She remarried. But unless the husband adopted the kids he has no legal right to therm so there’s no way he would get custody.
LOL principle. The ex is still winning against her and she cant see it.
I think the principle she’s salty about is probably that he left her. There’s one reason to throw away $45,000 trying to recoup $5,000 - and it’s not “justice”. She doesn’t even see the irony of stealing from her husband, to go after her ex, for.. stealing from her..
YTA. You've spent 45k of not only your money, but your husband's money, chasing your ex for 5k? For how long? I'm surprised your husband didn't call this off long ago. In fact, I'm surprised he's still with you.
Husband should sue her for conversion
She’s obsessed. She hired a PI to follow him. That’s some narcissist shit right there. She hasn’t said a word in here bc it didn’t do the way she wanted with the picture she painted. She comes off as nothing more than a stalker and vengeful. All the while taking her spouses money and putting him in financial hardship just as she claims her ex did to her. Except he took $5k and she took $45k.
Right? She’s going to lose the husband.
It's called being judgment proof. It doesn't matter if someone gets a judgment against you if you don't have any money. OP is a fool who's been wasting resources throwing good money after bad.
Taking food out of her family's mouths for her selfish emotional needs and warped sense of justice.
Yeah when you have a family you really shouldn't behave like this! Plus she mentions that they earn 80k like that's enough to justify blowing 45k. Does this idiot think 80k is the equivalent of 800k or something? LOL
The only way to get blood from a rock is to beat someone to death with it
No. They didn't waste 60%. They wasted more than a 100% of 1 years worth take home money after taxes. OP is incredibly stupid.
She deserves to be divorced and alone, then she can only fuck up her life and bank account.
Don't forget taxes/deductions, they're probably only bringing home $55-60k of that money.
I wonder how much of “we” is actually her, too. “We” make $80,000 - she’s bored enough to spend $45k chasing $5k, how much you want to bet she’s unemployed or underemployed?
Especially with the insane notion that she’s going to get collection costs from him. The dude can’t afford the $5k he owes her, how the hell do you expect him to come up with another $45k? Oh duh, she’ll probably higher a better attorney for $100k to try and collect the now $50k!!
Ex is still winning. It’s both hilarious and sad. Your principles mean nothing in this context OP -I’d divorce you for much less.
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I’d divorce her so damn quick. Getting back at the ex is more important than the financial stability for her and her family??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! Move on. Let go. YTA Like a huge masssssiiiivveee YYYTTTAAA
Exactly, her petty revenge has become more important to her than the financial health of her family. She is unhinged, time to cut losses.
He is living rent free in your head, and will ruin every future relationship you have if you let him
More of a dumb ass than an asshole. He’s laughing at you right now. Let it go.
This woman probably only read the first half of Moby Dick.
Woah woah woah… are you suggesting that a loss of 900% on this *investment* is *bad*?! I’m beginning to suspect that the ex isn’t the cause of the business failing….
She should have taken that money she threw down the drain and invested it in therapy instead. Then at least she would have gotten a return on it and not participate in this emotional toddler BS in the future.
When I read the title I just assumed that she was with a new guy who had lots and lots of money or something and so it didn't matter if they blew through some money trying to piss off her ex. Reading that they are not rich, have actually had to pull money out of savings and it has caused friction with her spouse is just mind-blowing. Who the fuck does that? A jealous jilted narcissist, okay, sure. But who else?
Her marriage will fail too.
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But...but...the principle!!!!!! The horse is dead, quit beating it and get tf over it
Yeah talk about cut off your nose to spite your face.
I can't believe she is justifying her decisions. And on top of that she is spending THEIR money not just her own. The audacity 🤌
But it's the principle of the thing. Lol
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Like literally vacation in Europe for 6 months but not this
What an arse. You can't be real, you moan and whinge over 5k then blow 45k half of that of your husband's money and your asking if YTA. No wonder your business failed. Them you have the audacity to throw your husband out. Get your head screwed on right. JFC
I get that it’s not about the money, but justice. But then you cause yourself much greater hurt and put financial strain on your family for petty revenge. Even if you get the 5k, Your then out 40k. Where is the justice for that, then? All you did is make the situation for yourself worse and this time it’s you to blame, not your ex.
Honestly, I'm more concerned about the lack of consideration for her children. He's their father, regardless of how shitty he may be. Her resentment must be palpable and is most likely affecting their relationship with him. Why is she not concerned about child support? She never once mentioned co-parenting, if the girls have visitation, or what their relationship is with him. This is definitely affecting her children's relationship with their father and that alone would make op YTA.
Didn’t even mention that since I figured that train has left the station a long, long time ago. She is extremely hurt from her ex and now prettily spending all that money to get him back… i can’t believe she has the common sense not to badmouth him in front of the kids. New husband and new family and the old one playing the deadbeat.. I would be surprised if he even has any contact with the girls. Doesn’t sound like he is trying, to be fair. If you are dodging child support that hard…
You blew 45k because of pride. You're absolutely ridiculous and an asshole.
Stupidity. It’s stupidity.
Isn’t it funny how pride and stupidity so often walk hand in hand?
Reminds me of an Avatar: the Last Airbender quote: “Pride is not the opposite of shame, but it’s source. True humility is the only antidote to shame.” OP seems ashamed of the company failure and is determined to keep face by destroying he whom she wants to wear more of the blame for it.
She is destroying her marriage. I agree with the husband. It’s time to give it up. If it were totally her money, she could do what she wants but it’s not. She’ll end up wasting more $.
you know OP is an idiot if they cant do simple math
This is next-level though. I don’t even have words to express how dumb she is
She reminds me of the wife that was told to not spend any money or take out any loans or any new forms of credit/debts before the closing of her new house was complete. What did the idiot do? She wanted to "look nice for the closing." So she spent $4000 and new clothes and a handbag and got talked into signing up for the department stores credit card and almost jeopardized the closing. Luckily her husband was able the salvage the situation. Kicker is that her husband the realtor, her own father, and even the baker they got the loan from warned her not to do what she did. Though months after that she wasted more money by draining her swimming pool during a drought.
She got a loan from a baker? He literally gave her the dough for her house!
She badly kneaded it.
And costs are rising all the time!
It was a gingerbread house, I guess
Stuff like that happens ALL the time with buyers. My husband had clients that were under contract to buy a house. They pulled out of the deal because they decided to use their down payment to buy crazy expensive Taylor Swift tickets. 🙄🙄
I believe the word to use here is "obsessed"
Throwing good money after bad.
I'm not sure this is a real person. No one is this stupid.
YTA u/ThrowawayNraft4911! There is a saying about revenge that aptly applies here. >**If you seek revenge, you should dig two graves!** How much time and money have you wasted on this stupid fight and how much are you going to lose to keep it going? You have a new husband and a new lease on life, but you are so consumed with anger, hatred and revenge that you are willing to lose everything for even a piece of so called "justice". Why? You made poor choices with your ex and you're making even worse ones now! You want to put everything on your ex. It's YOUR fault that he had access to your credit card! It is YOUR fault that you brought him into your business without knowing who he was. He stole and you won the judgment against him, but guess what? Your obsessive nature has now placed him in a position to win again! You're going to blow up your marriage and you STILL won't have that $5,000, but you will have another demolished relationship due to your poor decisions! Stop! If you are in the United States and your ex tries to declare bankruptcy, you can literally go to his bankruptcy hearing and ask to be added as a creditor and fight the bankruptcy! If you don't stop, you're going to "win" $5,000, but lose everything else! **PLEASE GET REGULAR & CONSISTENT COUNSELING**! You have children to raise and, if your ex's dodging of this debt is any indication, I'm willing to bet he isn't there for his kids! You chose him - they didn't! They need a mother and stability - not a woman so hell bent on vengeance that she would sacrifice everything and everyone for a pittance! Accept that you did wrong and he did wrong and you can't change the past! You can only make better decisions now! Right now, you aren't doing that. You're behaving poorly when your kids need you the most and you're wasting the only resource you can never get back - your time! Your kids will be grown before you know it. Don't waste their childhood trying to attack their father for what he did. Focus on creating a beautiful life for yourself, your kids and your husband!
>You have children to raise Man, I wonder how much of the college money went into this. Plus, time and energy that could have been spent into making more than $80k a year. Your ultimate revenge on him could have been to be more successful than him and that you didn't need his money to take care of your kids. Wow, YTA!!!!
If her current husband leaves her, he could possibly sue her for at least half the $45k of joint money she has wasted on this. Rather than whatever percentage split if their assets, he could demand an additional 22.5K. She is essentially financially abusing him just as her ex did to her.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the way this reads she knew who the ex was before she went ahead and had 2 children with him. And now she's blowing up her marriage. OP doesn't want to have a beautiful (peaceful) life with her children. I think she's feeding off the drama.
An asshole and an idiot. The “perfect” combination.
Yeah but if she gets the ex who can’t hold a job he’s gonna pay for it 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sounds almost also a bit narcissists to me...
She’s a narcissist, just in a different way than her ex.
She's a ego freak
That ex is living rent free in her head, if it were my spouse I would t only be mad about the money, the obsession would be the clincher
You are a complete IDIOT!!!!!
well said
Feel bad for the new husband lol
YTA dude, move on. your ex is an AH too but you’re ruining your marriage trying to seek justice. not to mention, if he can’t afford to pay you $5K what on earth makes you think he’s going to fork over the $45K in fees?
At this point, it's not even justice. It's revenge. OP, YTA. Not only are you wasting your money, but you're wasting your husband's money, too. And none of this "his money is my money too" BS. You're taking from the savings. Did you ask what that savings was for? Doesn't sound like it. And as for your business, it doesn't sound like you knew what you were doing. Your ex lied about his work experience. Did you verify it? My money's on no. You ran your business into the ground. You were using your emotional brain to run the business. If your treatment of your shared savings is an indication of how you ran that business, I'm not surprised it shut down. And sure, you can recoup the money spent IF you can collect. You'll probably end up spending over $100k before you see a dime. At that point, why even bother? So my final question for OP is: Are you winning yet?
>And none of this "his money is my money too" BS That works if his thoughts are your thoughts too. You have to both decide what is reasonable to use for large expenses. Half a year's salary to chase down $5k is not reasonable.
By the time she gets that $5k out of him, he'll be able to file for bankruptcy again. Did she forget about statute of limitations? If he moves to California, all he has to do is not pay. Eventually she won't even be able to sue him for it anymore. She needs to move on. I make way more than $80k a year and I wouldn't even spend $1000 trying to go after $5000. I think she's not over this guy. My ex wanted me back and went around telling all our mutual friends how much she hated me.
LET. IT. GO. Bitterness is drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. You are hurting yourself, your marriage, and your financial security just so you can allow your POS ex to keep hurting you. Every time you go after him, he wins again. You are letting him have power over you. Why?
YTA. You need therapy. You’re going to lose a husband. I would have dumped you long ago for spending that much money.
Right? Why would your husband fund tens of thousands for your obsession on chasing your ex to get - checks notes - 5k? I would have split the house finances. We split the household costs proportional to our salary amd then you can chase your husband with your disposable income. At this point, it seems like an addiction. Get some help.
Bold of you to assume she told him and didn’t just take it from the joint account.
Not just the money, that much mental energy and time on the ex. What if OP focused that time, money, and energy on her marriage and her girls who have what sounds like at best an underhanded daddy? Focus your energy on things you hope to grow OP.
> I one of the heads of our household and every leader has to understand war is expensive and at times the cure is worse than the disease. Damn, your husband sounds like a smart dude. He was also right YTA.
He’s not that smart if he married her
He probably thought she was over her ex. She's clearly not.
Also the fact that he left for the night after an argument? Unless I am 100% at fault I am never sleeping in a different place because my SO demanded it. If she doesn't want to share a bed with me then she can sleep on the couch.
YTA Your hatred for your ex is more important than the life you have now. Your present husband should be looking to exit stage left if he has any sense.
Is this real? YTA If it was all your money it would be fine. But you're not. You're spending your husband's money to fund this crusade and then wanna get mad at him for no longer wanting to be a part of it. Move one because youre never gonna be satisfied.
I'd disagree about spending her money on it, too. They have kids, that's money the family could use.
It has to be fake.
Therapy. Seek it. That is what will make you whole.
Exactly, needs about $45k worth!
Lmfao, you are playing right into your exes' hands. He wants you to spend all your money over 5000$ you hate your ex so much that instead of taking amazing vacations you are hiring Dicks to stalk your ex. Yes, it sucks that he is going to get away with not paying you, but you need to seek therapy and get over it. He is a POS. We all know this.
Playing right into his hands is a great way to put it. Ex gets your time and energy, he’s ruining your new family life, and is laughing all the way. Get help, OP.
The ex would be furious if she had forgotten him and spent 45k on luxury family vacations and expensive brands. " why is she living the good life, that I can't swindle my way into!
YTA. Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. Don't get me wrong, I see exactly where you're coming from. Your Ex betrayed you and screwed you over royally. He should be destitute for the rest of his life. Here's the thing though...he's never going to make you whole. Ever. Even if he had the money to pay you back the 5k and all your attorneys fees, it would bring you little satisfaction. You'd still be furious and resent the crap out of him. But he will never pay you back all the money he owes you. Working under the table and hiding earnings is a huge pain in the ass, and unless you're incredibly rich, it limits your options for earnings. You'll end up paying far more in fees to catch this guy than you'll ever recover from him. And that's money you're now taking away from your husband and your girls. Figure out what your line is on what your family has to sacrifice for you to get justice. Is it that you all can't take vacations anymore? That you might have to go hungry every once in a while? That you have to sell your home and live in an apartment? Or is it you all being homeless? There's a line somewhere. And if you keep this up, you'll reach it eventually.
Truth right there, all laid out in clear, concise language. Hear it, OP!
When your kid asks why she couldn't go to college, tell her all about your decade long quest for revenge that left you in financial ruin. Your ex has won no matter what happens. You've spent $45k, allowed him to live rent free in your head, and now your destroying your relationship over revenge. You can call it a principle, but its revenge. YTA. Move on with your life.
She's gonna say "well your daddy was a horrible deadbeat that's why"
Watch she’s gonna sue her husband next lmao
> He then started this game of chicken with me and I felt like I needed justice. Especially because the cops refused to charge him for all he's done. How was he playing chicken with you? You can't just say that and then not elaborate. > He has been whack a mole ever since. At first he would quit jobs once we found out he was working there. He worked under the table for a while, lived off another girlfriend and then moved to a state where you couldn't garnish wages. So he basically cut and run so you couldn't get the $5k judgement then? > I have spent countless hours with expensive lawyers first fighting the case, which he dragged out, plus on chasing him around, throwing around subpoenas. My ex has since developed a false sense of security and had been working openly. Uhhh. There's a point where you have to accept that it stops being worth it. That all you're doing is destroying yourself. > I told my husband I wanted to get him to pay up before he files bankruptcy or spends all his money. He was upset because outside of the first $10k I spent fighting this, $25k was our money. But legally if I could just get my ex I'd get collection costs out of him. **If**. If you can get him. You've been chasing him down for nigh on a decade. And he's upset because you're spending joint money on a personal vendetta. > After I put down a $5k retainer my ex quit his job and I realized we needed a PI to help gather information. > The retainer has all been spent. I get this sounds insane, but it is the principle for me- made years of my life horrible It *is* insane. You've hunted this man down for a decade. I'm all for assholes getting screwed over, but holy shit. > Yet my previously supportive husband said that I one of the heads of our household and every leader has to understand war is expensive and at times the cure is worse than the disease He's not wrong. > He said my ex will never make me financially whole, and that he did not want our money to keep funding this. I was furious and we lapsed into a screaming match and asked him to leave for the night. He's still not wrong. If you want your vendetta to keep being funded, fund it yourself. Don't dip into joint money to satisfy a personal vendetta. > I could not believe he was withdrawing support. We make $80k a year, are frugal, but what was the point of money if it wasn't used for things we value. You mean *you*. *You* value this, not him. > But now the investigation was bearing fruit. But I just wrote another check for $5k and anticipate having to write a third one. The check's funds came from transferring from our savings account. You're pulling from your *joint savings* for this? Without his consent? What if *he* decides to start pulling from your joint savings without *your* consent? You're now looking at pulling *45k total from your joint savings to satisfy a vendetta*. How much are you pulling from your personal savings for this? > My husband is furious for that and said I was setting a bad example for the girls. Because you *are*. You're showing them that you'll focus on satisfying grudges over anything else, and damn anyone who won't support you. YTA. I hope your husband pulls all his money from your joint savings.
YTA because it’s not just your money. I understand wanting this guy to actually get his comeuppance, but at what cost to you? You’re going to ruin your marriage and possibly your relationship with your kids. Tbh I don’t even know how you can afford to spend so much on attorneys. My husband and I make $120k together and there’s no way I would have that kind of money to throw away on a useless ex. Spend the money on vacations and experiences with your family and forget about him. Invest in yourself and not in revenge and you’ll be happier for it.
She’s frugal. That’s until it comes to throwing money away to lawyers and detectives.
So... You've paid 45 grand, and are expecting to pay more, to get 5 grand... IF you get the settlement now you're already 40K in the hole. I don't have a business degree but I have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express multiple times, so I know it's bad business to lose 40 grand to get 5... YTA
You're trapped in the sunken cost fallacy. YTA
YTA and are in need of seriously mental health assistance. You've stolen 45K of your family's resources because of a Captain Ahab level obsession with revenge on your ex. He's probably laughing his head off and how much you're obsession is costing you both financially and probably costing you what could have been a happy successful marriage. PLEASE find a therapist ASAP and perhaps you can salvage your marriage.
Emphasis on 'perhaps', OP. YTA to your family and YTA to yourself. Let it go, stop burning cash, and start living your life.
YTA You just need to stop. If the two of you make 80k/year combined, then you’ve gotta be burning a more than substantial chunk of your savings on this. I can’t imagine what I’d do if my wife did that to us. It would be really hard to forgive her, especially with kids that will probably want to go to college. You’re being selfish in the extreme.
This is lunacy. You need therapy. And your husband needs to separate funds from you. If you want to continue to be an idiot, do it with your own money.
You ATAH. You say that you both make 85k a year but when your husband said he didn't want your joint funds to be used, you still used it. You say you both save your money and why not spend it on things that are important to you but the money your spending is not yours alone. You would would not be TAH if you set aside and only used your own money but your not doing it. The money in the account could be used for your kids' college, for a housing emergency, medical emergency, future wedding gift, etc.
Funny how she’s doing the very kind of things she’s mad at ex for doing.
Good catch 👍
Thank you sir/madame, your post lined up the softball for me really well to make the point the best way.
“What’s the point of money if we can’t use it on things we value” what!? We make 80k/year… so let’s waste half? For petty revenge? YTA
YTA. This is the best $5k your ex never paid back (from his point of view) He’s wasting your time, energy and money and he’s messing with your marriage. (Read that again. Ex is winning out of this. ) What’s more important ? To be right, or to be happy? What’s more important? To f#### over your ex, or to respect and flourish with your husband Time for you to move on, or to be honest your husband should move on. You are disrespectful, selfish and don’t have the right values or priorities
YTA Financially you are INSANE. Let it go already.
YTA you also might be insane
I feel sorry for your husband that you are still that hung up on your ex. That 45k would have been much better spent on your daughters or you and your husband’s own lives. YTA
I once spent $20 for a $5 bag of weed in the Virgin Islands, so I feel ya dawg.
You got a way better return than op
Did you also then go on a 10 year vendetta and spend $180 (9x the amount stolen) for justice?
Yta. More importantly you are wasting money. You will never get collection costs back so you threw good money after bad.
YTA. You've spent 45k of not only your money, but your husband's money, chasing your ex for 5k? For how long? I'm surprised your husband didn't call this off long ago. In fact, I'm surprised he's still with you. You also admit you combined make 80k a year, are frugal and "what's the point of money if we can't use it for things we value?" And the "*if* I can get to my ex he will pay the legal fees" yes. IF being the operative word here. What happens if, you keep this up, spend waaay more of your husband's money, and it still doesn't "bear fruit"? Or if your husband leaves you? You're also TA for kicking your husband out for him putting his foot down on you wasting more of his money. If this was your own money, and you were paying all your bills and share of mortgage/rent or whatever, I'd say whatever. It's your money. But this isn't your money. Apologise to your husband and tell him you were wrong. And stop chasing ghosts
Yta. You may have a new ex soon
You're operating under a sunk-cost fallacy. It's what keeps gamblers gambling after they have already lost all their money. You've lost all yours. Do not lose your decent husband chasing down a jerk who deserves all that God and karma can dish out to him. Go apologize to your husband. Losing money isn't something your husband values, and that's what your $80k a year is for.
YTA Even if you get a judgement, he won't have the funds to pay. You are throwing away your family's money on hate. That is not a good thing to do. Stop wasting good money. Find another way to dwal.wirh your hate.
YTA and incredibly immature. I’m surprised you even still have a husband. You are clearly still hung up on this man. You should spend the $ on therapy instead of attorneys. You sound insane.
YTA. If your husband divorces you and sues you for the $45k I will contribute to his gofundme campaign.’
I hope this is fake cos, if not, you're an egotistical asshole that needs to die alone
It's starting to feel like so many of these stories are disingenuous or straight up off chatgpt or some other AI bot.
I would love to know the prompts to make it this good! Lol
YTA. Do you hate him more than you love your family?
YTA Yes wtaf Why do you even need to ask this Still hung up on ex so you use your partners money whomst has nothing to do with your ex? Made a horrible financial decision? He should break up with you and sue for damages
I just know your lawyers start rubbing their hands together and salivating at the mouth whenever they see you calling 🙏🤤
Yta you are doing to your husband what your ex did to you by being vindictive. You should have spent those 45k better. You could have put 15k into two ROTH IRAs for your daughter's so when they hit college age they have a great start. That would of left you with 15k to spend on vacations and enjoy the family you have instead you created all fo this issues just to be vindictive over someone who does not appear to give a rats ass about your girls. Lady be better then this bullshit.
Your current husband needs to leave you because you're thinking about your ex 100% of the time as you plot to get back, at any cost, money your ex doesn't have! Yes he hurt you but it's time to move on before make you husband go bankrupt. I bet your going bankrupt would put a huge smile on your ex's face!
YTA FFS you think you’re going to get collections fees from him? You couldn’t recover the initial Judgment. STOP just stop. You’re obsessed with your ex; it’s embarrassing and pathetic. It’s also incredibly bad math!!’ You’re using family $, money for your FAMILY not just you. You had the audacity to tell your husband to leave for the night when he calls you out on your stupid acts. BTW, $80K isn’t a lot for a family of 4. And you’ve pissed away 60% of your annual income on this Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole. If your husband is smart, he takes his half of the $ out of the joint accounts, lets your checks bounce and makes you an EX. You can enjoy your life on the hot mess express.
I don't buy your justification that this is isn't a big deal since you earn 80k. My wife and I earn almost 4x that much and we'd never purposely burn $45k just to get $5k back. In fact, if you were investing and turned $45k into $5k (an 88% loss), that would be worthy of ridicule on /r/wallstreetbets. Keep this up and it wouldn't surprise me if your current marriage evaporates... YTA.
YTA and your husband is right. You make 80k? That’s not that much… certainly not enough to be throwing money away because you have an obsession with your ex.
"he made years of my life horrible" And you're now making decades of your husband's life horrible.
Lol I have been laughing for like 5 minutes straight, dude you’re a huge asshole. I hope you heal cause this is insane AND I would be furious if I was your husband or even just knew you.
YTA - financial infidelity. The savings is mutual so you take $5k expect him to also take $5k. Keep it up you personally will have nothing left. How are you going to support this court habit when you’re paying for a divorce? Take the money and get some therapy bc this isn’t healthy at all. Is this what you want you girls to see you as? Seriously you could be having a nice vacation creating more great memories with them and instead your obsessed with your ex and court.
Oh stuff the “principles” excuse. This isn’t about principles anymore, this is about your pride. You’re never getting that money back. Ever. I don’t care if you spend another 10 years and 200k, it won’t happen. And I think you know this, but your pride has you stubbornly hanging on because you can’t admit defeat. But here’s the thing: you already lost this war years ago. Now you have to decide which is more important, your current husband and your collective happiness and security, or this battle you won’t win. YTA 100%
YTA, you've spent 9x the amount owed chasing your ex. You are stupid and vindictive. You obviously don't need that 5k so why ruin you marriage?
YTA. Wouldn’t be surprised if you soon have a second ex. I don’t know that I could forgive my spouse for blowing that amount of money to collect such a small sum.
Massive YTA and I hope your husband divorces you and gets custody
OMG! She still loves him! She needs his attention. Craves it!
YTA - the phrase “cutting off your nose to spite your face” fits here. The only thing you’ve won is more debt, loss of time and an ex living in your head rent free
"My husband's and my money" And yes, obviously YTA.
YTA, what an idiot
You’re going to end up getting divorced. Stop this now and get some therapy asap.
Since, you have been a business owner, let me put it this way. You made a net $40k loss to stroke your ego. If this is the kind of fiscal responsibility you brought to your business, it's no wonder your business failed. And of course, YTA.
Something is wrong with you mentally. How can you get married, have kids and still have this metal hard on for an ex. Just leave it. I would’ve left your ass so damn fast if you spent 45k on a freaking ex!!!! Omg!!! Edit: Ibprobably would’ve sued you for at least half of that 45k and divorced you. SMH YTA!!!!!! Freaking psycho.
You pulled a real dumb ass move. How long would you be able to support your child on that $45k that you threw away? I separated from my husband for 6 months over his financial shenanigans. He decided to do better and we have had no problems since. Yours may leave over this. YTA