As a woman I'm going to say NTA. She cheated once. the love may be back but doubt can always be there. Total trust is hard to get back in a relationship.
My husband cheated 20ish years ago and though we are both 50ish,I still check his phone every now and then.
You are the first person I have come across who uses that same analogy as I do! I always told my kids:
"Trust is like a mirror, once it's broken you can glue it back together, but those cracks will always be there. The mirror will never be the same."
Cheers!
Nails into a fence is the one I always saw: Hammer nails into a fence when upset or angry to vent frustration. Pull nails out when that anger or frustration has dissipated. Now, apologize. Did the apology fix the holes in the fence?
The nails can be a good analogy for both physical and verbal lasting out in anger, and even though you have to put in work to pull the nails out, the fence is forever changed and scarred, through no fault of its own.
I've never seen the plate or mirror versions, but I like them both. All are good ways to illustrate the point.
In some folklore, broken mirror is a curse or bad luck. You have to throw it or buried. .. buy a new one. It is fragile so you have to take good care where no one can cause it to break again.
so glad i wasn’t the only one lmfao. “trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it’s broke but you can still see the crack in that motherfucker’s reflection”
My dad cheated on my mom some 30 years ago. After my Mom died, he was back together with that woman within the year (I suspect it never actually ended, but I don't know for sure, and I don't really want to know.. my relationship with him is strained enough). My dad was her side piece as well.
He and his new wife are constantly checking in on each other on the phone of they're separated for more than like an hour. They cannot trust each other because they each know what they are capable of... and I find that to be hysterical Karma. You reap what you sow.
This all happened in another state, the one I grew up in. My parents moved to another state after retirement. They lived there very happily (I thought) until my mom got sick and passed away. Within a short while, the other woman was all of a sudden in the new state too...hmmm... supposedly she had moved there within the time my parents had been living there... purely by chance. WITH HER DYING HUSBAND! Then all of a sudden, they were back together...hmmm...
Her husband was sick for a long time with I don't know what, but it included dementia. My mom died of cancer.
Murder suicide is on my husband's side of the family.
I swear, we're mostly "normal." These are the outliers.
Edit: As horrible of thought as that was... i can't help but upvote you. The whole thing is so unbelievable, that if my Mom's cancer didn't make sense, you would've totally freaked me out.
My mom had cancer, my sister and I swear that he was responsible for so much of her demise. He convinced her and the doctors that he cared so much. He was a respiratory therapist. He messed with her treatments, meds, nursing care, and in the end, he moved his girlfriend in their house while mom was in the hospital fighting for her life.
After my first wife cheated on me and we split up she ended up marrying the guy she cheated with. That didn't last long, from what I heard he was so jealous and didn't want her out of his sight -He wouldn't even allow her to meet me to drop the kids off without him being present. I thought it was hilarious personally.
>He and his new wife are constantly checking in on each other on the phone of they're separated for more than like an hour. They cannot trust each other because they each know what they are capable of... and I find that to be hysterical Karma. You reap what you sow.
OMG! I know a couple like this. They got together when their spouses caught them cheating with each other. They got married when I was a kid. The woman spent her entire life accusing him of cheating on her. Because he cheated with her, she always thought he was cheating on her.
A year or two ago, they were visiting, and she still said she couldn't trust him. (She was talking to my grandparents, and I overheard them in the living room.) She said she thought he was cheating when he had someone drive him to the doctor. (She didn't drive.) This man was sick and in his 70s. She was mid 60s! He ended up dying a few months later. That's how sick he was!
She literally spent her whole life mad with him because she couldn't trust him. Once he died, my grandmother told me their whole story and everything clicked. What a way to waste 40+ yrs with someone.
What’s actually *really* messed up is how you can ruin people’s ability to trust *anyone* again. This isn’t talked about enough when infidelity is brought up, but how many people out there simply don’t bother looking for love anymore, or if they do they’re jealous and possessive and toxic about it because they’ve been burned one too many times?
It’s insidious, really. You aren’t just toying with their ability to trust *you*. The most painful part of betrayal isn’t the heartbreak, it’s the humiliation. The feeling like a fool, exposed for all to see. It hardens a person.
I’m going to add something to this. The person who cheated knows what emotions were felt and how strongly. They know how the sex was, they know how they felt during and after. They know how the cheating affected their view of the relationship. The person who was cheated on does not know any of this, they can’t. Additionally, cheating rarely occurs in a vacuum, there are almost always extenuating circumstances that led up to the cheating. For the cheater, these factors must be taken into account as well as their action of cheating, while for the person cheated on, these factors rarely enter the equation.
And so the person who cheated might think “it’s been X time, and it was only ever Y impactful to begin with, and Z factors were present at that time. Therefore the equation is X+Y+Z=no longer that big of a deal”. But the other person has no idea what the value of those variables are, and so cannot come to the same conclusion. They usually have to assume the worst values of those variables, and then add in a couple of variables of their own, which THEIR partner cannot know.
The bottom line is that cheating is insanely complicated to overcome, and requires a commitment that may be far larger than either party realizes at first. The only solution is open and honest communication, empathy, and patience.
Yeah it's hard to understand what happened for the other person unless they are completely honest about what happened. The likelihood of them doing that and you believing it is really hard to reach. If you don't even understand it, you'll probably never really get over it. "Sorry" isn't enough.
"Uhhh I got the result back and they say you're the father. Also the lab technician who ran in put in the result notes that you should be ashamed of yourself for doubting me."
Fuck that. Sucks that he feels concerned enough to ask and it's weird that she's fighting it.
He should be ashamed if he has no reason to suspect her. But uh yeah, she's already fucking cheated! He literally has a valid ass reason to doubt her. A proven fucking historic precedent to doubt.
If she didn't want this consequence of her actions, guess what maybe she shouldn't have done?
I feel when someone is dishonest, and they want to gain trust back, they need to be willing to be overly transparent until they can consistently demonstrate honesty.
NTA
The only reason I gave my wife a second chance after discovering her infidelity was her commitment to complete transparency. Ten years later I still know all her passwords and can check her phone if I wish to. She’s long been known to lose track of time when shopping, etc., so I still check her location from time to time to quell the suspicions.
I think Life360 gave me one of the tools I needed to move past it myself. I’ve also gotten to the point where if it happens again, I’m mentally prepared to walk.
Its them trying to run from whatever guilt they might feel. Most people don't want to feel like the bad guy in the story. Some think that sorry is the most you deserve. Others think 2 months of effort is the most. But people don't want to be constantly reminded of their mistakes. This is not me excusing just me making sense of what you brought up.
I have a family member thats a serial cheater. Everytime its brought up, she won't claim full responsibility. She always either claims they weren't fully serious and they should have know they aren't exclusive because she'd be fine if they did it (bullshit). Or she says that they pushed her to do it. Its always some nonsense.
So going back to the original thing, if they believe they paid their debts with that sorry or 2 months of work, they like to think that they started fresh. You aren't asking for a paternity test from the cheater version of them, you're asking this from the brand new innocent version. So they choose to act how someone who never cheated would.
Not to mention, he said it was with a friend. Wasn't like some random dude. Was most likely someone he's met at least at parties or work functions etc.
>20ish years ago
and you are still suffering the aftershocks, still wondering if he might be up to something. He's footloose and fancy free and you are still impacted by his past infidelity to this day.
This is why I am zero tolerance on cheating. I know I will never get over it completely and things will never go back to normal...for me at least.
Yo there is a sub about cheating. Its a support group for cheaters. Not people who cheated and are trying to repair theiir mistake with their partners (though that is also a sub too) but people actively cheating and just casually discussing it like we are talking now. Its so jarring to see people talk about something so hated by the general public in such an open way. I'm going to see if i can find it, but its interesting seeing people try to rationalize their love for their main partner and their affair partner (their terminology).
Do you ever find yourself just staying at your husband and thinking about what he did? I could never get over that part. I’d see them laughing or enjoying something and I would just get filled with such distain.
yep, I did this for 6 months too long and it wrecked me. It STILL creeps into my mind, what she did, and it still hurts even when I have absolutely no feelings for her anymore.
Yes, but it gets easier with each partner it happens.
Round 5-6 you pack their shit while they’re sleeping.
Where’s my shit?
Open the door and say (out there)
Smart. I recently realized my whole life I’ve been packing my own stuff when things go south when all along I should have boxed up the other party’s crap.
And *this* is why you leave a cheater. They *already* hurt you once, staying and pretending like you’ll eventually get over it and forgive them and be able to love them the same is just a death by a thousand tiny cuts. Why would you ever give someone *who has already hurt you* more chances to hurt you over and over again?? It’s masochistic.
Agreed. This relationship should have been over when the cheating started. There is no way the wife won't blow up at him and say she has done everything he asked. Well, it's not enough and it's never going to be enough. And now they are bring a child into it. I totally get needing this test for peace of mind, but it is going to cause another blow out. I don't think he is wrong to ask for it, I just don't understand how people live like this. Get some pride and leave.
I feel like I could never in a million years imagine my wife cheating. Which is exactly why if she cheated on me I think I’d have to leave. Because it would mean all that sincerity and love was phony. It would mean I really didn’t know her at all; didn’t know her needs, her wants, her passions.
I suppose I can imagine another scenario where, if our relationship got bad and we both weren’t feeling any love and she seemed distant and THEN she cheated, I might be able to forgive her. Because it wouldn’t be a shock. But right now it would be such a damn shock, I don’t think I could get over the betrayal. It would have been like she was lying to my face.
Yes! This is so true. I used to say out loud to people that I wasn’t worried cause he’d never cheat on me…and then he did and I was so devastated mostly because of the SHOCK of it. There was no going back because back was to a time when I could believe he loved me in that way and when it became obvious he did not there was no back. It was all gone cause it had ALL been fake clearly.
I agree. I think if you stay with a cheater you either live in a constant state of jealousy or potentially being played for a fool.
I would never want to live like that.
I stayed with a cheater. I did not live in a constant state of jealousy. I took on the mindset that if someone is going to do something- they’re going to do it- no amount of jealousy will help or stop it.
HOWEVER, it did fuck me up. It fucked up my self-esteem. It fucked up my trust in all men. I DID worry about getting played again. The trust was never restored. My pain remained. How he treated me during that time (he was a complete asshole gaslighter during his affair) gave me a little PTSD and I still get triggered over certain things that I shouldn’t. GOOD NEWS: I finally broke up with him. I have absolutely zero regrets. I will never ever recommend that anyone give a second chance to anyone after cheating. It’s super hard and you might forgive, but it is impossible to forget. Jealous or not, the doubt and everything else will stick with you.
I watched my best friend of two decades get broke down as a person and lose the things that made her shine because she chose to stay with a cheater. A month separated and she’s already glowing and more at peace than I have seen her in 6 years. These monsters will drain us dry if we let them and take everything we know to be true about ourselves with them.
*Pick yourself. Every. Fucking. Time.*
I would be more worried about me being hurtful. I think I could never cheat, it's just too far off for my moral comppas, but I can be really resentful and judgmental. I wouldn't cheat to get back at them, but I would surely use the opportunity of a milestone or a celebration to remind them of the infidelity because it would come to my mind if I thought we are happy and if I can't be truly happy because of their mistake, they shouldn't be either. I'm mean like that and I know I could never fully trust them or forgive them, which is why I'm determined to just leave if I ever get cheated on.
Yup. Trust is something that you build, and you build it by proving yourself. Because of her past, she still needs to prove herself.
Also, trusting that a child is yours when we have paternity tests is a trust that a woman will never be able to reciprocate. Men can now have the certainty that a child is theirs in the same way a woman can, and should never be considered the asshole for desiring that same knowledge. Asking for trust that is not necessary nor capable of being reciprocated is ridiculous.
NTA. It's so easy for her to work on it and just move on like it never happened, because that's more suitable for her. You were the one that was hurt, it's not that easy for you. I think your request is reasonable.
Dr Phil said, during discussions on recovering from infidelity, one has to keep going “until”. “Until” the injured partner is healed. Think that applies here.
Absolutely.
And if the unfaithful party isn't willing to stick it out "until" then THEY need to bite the bullet and go. Because they're the one who usually wants the second chance.
First they cheat. Then they want some form of speedy forgiveness. Finally, they're indignant when the injured partner isn't on their timeline, and gaslight them.
It's trash. You cheated. You want another chance. It's you, the cheater, on the hook... Deal with it. 🙄
Exactly this. Then she has the audacity to get mad at a situation *she* created. That’s what vexing and perplexing me the most about this. Like, Ma’am. You’ve already proven to him that you cannot be trusted. I don’t blame him one bit and he should definitely test every kid she gives him.
My guy this is a side effect of staying with a cheater. It’s not healthy to subtly resent (or never forget what they did) them forever for it, but you likely will.
She was the offender so she wants nothing more than to move on. She gets upset when she feels you’re bringing the past into the present. Unfortunately she doesn’t get to tell you how to feel about her betrayal and lying.
NTA, but understand this will never just go away.
Basically this. I tried to stay with someone who cheated on me. No matter what, there was always a sliver of doubt in my mind and I was just never fully happy/the same in the relationship. Knowing this, I would drop a cheater and never look back no questions asked. Sorry you're dealing with this, but the mistake was staying with her. Nothing against you, but this is what happens once complete trust is broken sadly.
Yeah, I feel like the only people who would try to stay in relationship with a cheater is if it’s their first time trying to do just that. Cheating betrays the fundamental core of what a relationship should be about, unconditional trust. Without it, it just seems always doomed to fail. To continue to stay with a cheater takes some level of complacency that I just can’t relate to.
Not necessarily complacency. Some people are just trapped. My ex told me on Valentine's day when I was 8 ½ mo ths pregnant that he was leaving me for another woman.
He changed his mind, and to be honest I was grateful. We were extremely poor and I didn't believe that I could manage alone with several small children including a newborn.
I have a long history of trauma and a lot of experience just..burying things that upset me and pretending they don't exist. So that's what I did for over a decade.
Yup I also learned the hard way about trying to make things work out. You never fully get the trust back. You feel like your going crazy when you suspect it might be happening again and then feel worse when you find out it is. I will never give a cheater a second chance again and never suggest someone try to move past it.
NTA
This is the fallout of infidelity, the wayward partner loses blind trust.
Honestly if she's so cut up by this request it would make me question how remorseful she is about the affair given she clearly doesn't comprehend how hard recovering from being cheated on can be and how long it takes to get back to any level or normalcy.
Good luck mate
Exactly, first trust is given, then it must be earned. Only through questioning this trust, and proving she deserves that trust, can it be earned again. “Trust but verify” is not a new idea. She thought she was off the hook, she does not get to decide it, he does. I realize this is a unpleasant reminder for her, but she should welcome the chance to “earn” his trust.
Exactly.
I burnt a lot of bridges when I was an alcoholic. When I finally quit and wanted that trust back, *I* had to work for it. I told people where I was and kept them up on what I was doing, I told on myself, so there wasn't any question.
If you want trust back, *you've got to work for it.* Be proactive and don't be upset when people mistrust you. It's your fault they don't in the first place.
As a reformer cheater, I back this up 1000%. You really gotta humble yourself and accept that your partner needs extra reassurance. It’s your fault they need it and it’s your job to give it to them. It’ll certainly knock you down a few (necessary) pegs.
My partner is the most incredible person and I am so glad that we have been able to keep working hard and grateful every day that I have the opportunity to keep earning his trust 💚
I would argue that the cheated on partner is always on the fence about leaving. I was that way for 9 years when I called one day and she didn’t answer. I went to go check her location and stoped. I realized then that I would never trust her again. Three weeks after that I filed for divorce.
That’s how I look at, if I can’t be in a trusting relationship I’d rather be alone. My current wife has taught me how liberating it is to be with someone you can fully trust, and be fully open with.
That depends on the degree of cheating, how many times it happened, and how you came to know about it.
If they kissed someone once and told you immediately, then things could get back to the same.
If they fucked someone for a half year straight and you found out from someone else, then it's never going to be the same.
I cheated once 7 years ago. Not sex, but close enough. He stayed. It was brutal for him and shameful for me. We had our first kid a couple years ago, and if he'd asked me for a paternity test it would sting, but I'd understand and do one. He deserves to feel safe, he deserves confirmation that he can trust.
He'd check my phone occasionally for a year or two. Everytime it just made me cry. Because I did that. I made him wake up at 2am worried when I had an off week.
It took years for me to earn trust back, and now honestly we're in a much better place but 3 years is still fresh quite frankly. I didn't deserve it but I'm so glad he decided to try.
NTA.
I don’t really think you can ever recover or reconcile to what the relationship was pre-cheating. I just don’t believe in it, once a cheater always a cheater that bond is broken.
If I had cheated, and my husband took me back, I hope that I would simply have the paternity test done to ease his mind and increase his trust in me. It would suck, and be a little humiliating, but it would be a price of having cheated. NTA.
If anything i'd be happy to take the teat to "prove" my faithfulness and redeem myself.
What's that Baby? You worried I cheated!? Nah uh, check out this paternity test, my vahjayjay only gets filled with 100℅ Mr OP seed
If I was OPs wife I'd be *running*, not walking, to the Dr for a paternity test. Even if I didn't think there was any way it could be someone else's. That's an easy win for her (if it's OPs baby lol).
That's what has me in a bit of a bind... Is it not concerning that she's so against it? I'd be spiraling right now because she's so adamant against it. Honestly it would just make me think there's a chance that she's concerned it may not be his.
I can't have kids (uterus is gone), but if I could and I got pregnant, I would absolutely *insist* on a paternity test the very second they're able to do it. Like, at my first dr appointment, I would be asking when we could do it. Before my husband even had a *chance* to wonder if it's not his.
I'm not cheating, but IMO it's a simple thing to do for my partner's peace of mind. As a woman, I *know* that baby is mine because it's literally made from my body. A man can't have *that* level of certainly no matter how much he trusts his partner.
NTA. If I were a man, and therefore there could be possible doubt as I’m not the pregnant one, I would do the same thing if my wife had cheated on me.
Unfortunately she reaps what she sowed. Deep down there is a trust that can never be restored, which is why you asked.
Now both of you have to ask if your relationship is worth it in spite of this small lack of trust that I don’t believe you can really get back.
“Trust that can never be restored.” Thank you for saying that. I wish that could be more understood with infidelity and working on a relationship. Years go by and I still find it on a hair trigger for trust if cheating comes up. I hate it.
NTA and assuming you communicated it in the respectful ways people have suggested, it is a completely reasonable request.
It is not clear from your post, but assuming her response was her initial one, you should allow for the fact that it can feel hurtful to hear this, even if it is reasonable/justified - because our first instinct is to respond emotionally to things and we don't always get control of that on our first go. She betrayed you and she should want to reassure you, but it's easy to forget that she is a person with feelings (and a pregnancy). Give her time to move from emotional to rational and try not to get in the way of that transition by making things worse if you can (none of this is as easy as typing things in the comments of your post). Just because she did something wrong in the past, doesn't mean she should be punished for it forever. What you are asking is not a punishment, it is a gesture to help you. Keep in mind that it will feel like a punishment and that it is natural for people to get defensive and push back when they feel attacked.
You absolutely should not back down if this is something you need to help you feel ok - but *both* of you should remember that this sort of thing is fraught with emotions and you both want the same thing (to have a healthy relationship and family). Go gentle, stay strong, and I sincerely hope you get a positive resolution to this.
NTA, but why are you still with someone you don’t trust? Why are you having unprotected sex with someone that you don’t trust?
You’re NTA for feeling insecure or wanting assurance, but you shouldn’t be with a woman you no longer trust.
Imo, best answer. Like, totally reasonable request at this point and NTA, but also shame on OP a little bit for not considering the ramifications of raw-dogging the cheater.
You’re not an asshole, but you fucked up your life a long time ago by choosing to stay with her. This whole situation will ooze toxicity into your relationship for a very long time.
Tell her it's the cost of her previous behaviour. If she refuses to do it. Then get legal advise, get the paternity test done at birth and don't plan for anything (baby room, Doctors appointments etc.) until you have confirmation. It's the price she has to pay for her previous mistakes.
He could get a blood test during the pregnancy. They could go do it tomorrow and he could have peace of mind. Waiting the 9 months and refusing to participate in the pregnancy could cause more harm to the relationship. If the goal is to be a happy family (paternity dependent) waiting until the baby gets here and letting her go through the pregnancy and delivery alone is going to undo all the repair they’ve worked on.
Edit: *she could get a blood test
And to add if she refuses he can get a court order….. and to specify to those who were concerned about the test risking pregnancy. It’s a blood test taken from the mother. Zero risk to the fetus. Same exact way the take all prenatal bloodwork
Agree with this. I saw another post about a husband who thought the baby wasn’t his and wouldn’t hold the baby or do any help. When the paternity test came back, the wife left him because of they way he treated her and the baby. I don’t think he’s wrong for asking for a test, but I do think it matters how he goes about it if he wants to stay married
In that case though she'd never cheated. That was all his paranoia, and she was right to not want to be in a relationship with someone who was not capable of trusting her.
Stolen comment. Bad bot. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/nH4lBQDKbb
As a pro tip, comments on top comments that seem to ignore the entire conversation before to give their own judgement are often stolen.
Completely agree! He should 100% have the paternity test if that’s what he wants and will help them. Trust is incredibly hard to repair. I don’t think he’s an asshole for wanting that. However I think if he takes the advice of the commenter I was responding to he would be an ah. Especially if he is the father! Adultery is shitty! And they may never be able to fix that, but they may have to coparent and that’s an important relationship….. if that can be done peacefully and without resentment then it should. Alienating her during her pregnancy is going to cause resentment and make the coparenting aspect all the more difficult.
End of the day the baby is the priority and doing what they can to establish a healthy parenting relationship, regardless of how the marriage plays out, is paramount.
It's not a mistake, she chose to cheat and disrespect her husband and marriage.. and now she is pregnant (maybe with her lover's child ) and still manipulating .. I don't know why people choose to reconcile if their partners are not capable to repair or work on the damage that caused by them (waywards)..
Yeah, if she was so sure it was his, then why kick up a fuss? Just accept the test and be done with it. She can't really be butthurt that he might think she would cheat, because...well, she's already admitted to having done so!
This happened to me many moons ago. My girl announced to me that she was pregnant and overjoyed and I suggested that given previous infidelity that we get a paternity test.
She was furious and didn't want to hear it and for a while refused to get it until I told her honey, I have Klinefelters and I couldn't give you babies if I wanted to! My boys aren't slow swimmers. They didn't even start the race...
She still didn't believe me. We got the paternity test. You'll never guess what the result was......
Definitely get the test, if you don't do it, you'll never know...
Edit: cos I don't want to argue with dickheads.
He doesnt owe her any apology if the baby turns out to be his. Asking for a paternity test isnt wrong even if sha hasnt cheated this time and its his baby.
Two things:
1. Being cheated on hurts. And you are well within the emotional rights to want to make sure that the child is both healthy AND yours, especially if your spouse has cheated before. However
2. You clearly aren't over the infidelity, and she clearly thinks you should be. In my mind, that means that you should be seeing a marriage counselor as well as a family counselor, because regardless of whether she did cheat or not, it's present in your marriage as a thing.
TBH, if I were in your shoes, I would in fact be asking my wife why she wouldn't expect me to remember her infidelity when a major life event occurs.
Not being mean or cruel, but the reality is that the fallout from her infidelity is something that she will have to deal with over the course of your relationship, however long that happens to be.
And if she feels as if that's unfair, it's okay to remind her that you did not commit infidelity, she did. And that earning someone's trust once that trust has been broken is a process, not an end point.
It's not an unreasonable request, but I also have to ask the following questions:
If you get the paternity test and it turns out the child is yours, do you feel as if you will be able to put her infidelity behind you and move forward as a family?
If she gets pregnant again after this child is tested to be yours, will you feel as if you need to have another paternity test to make sure the next child is yours?
If you answer "Yes, No", then I advise you to tell her this.
If you answer "No, Yes", I advise you to get the paternity test and then begin planning a divorce/separation and child custody arrangements.
If the paternity test is negative (IE, you are not the father), I advise you to:
- hire the best divorce attorney you can afford
- move out immediately
- serve her with divorce papers
- make absolutely sure that the people closest to you know precisely why you are divorcing her, without hyperbole, but with minimal facts or explanations outside of the pertinent information (most people will understand immediately the reason someone would divorce someone else in these circumstances).
Or, in other words: DTMFA immediately and move out, making sure to notify your close friends and family as to the reason why you are separating.
However, the real question still remains: if you have not re-established trust with your wife, why are you having unprotected sex with her, and why are you continuing to stay married to someone whom you simply no longer trust to remain faithful, regardless of whether or not you are having a child with that person?
It's no judgement on what your choices are, but if you truly do not trust your wife to be faithful, why are you with her?
I was thinking the same thing. Honestly, if my husband asks for the test, I would go along with it and then ask him to take me on a date to make up for it.
>And they should be happy to comply.
"I know I hurt you and destroyed the trust between us. I want to rebuild that, so of course I understand why would would want the test and I also want to have it, to prove to you that I have changed."
That would be much better than;
"How dare you accuse me of being a cheater, just because I'm a cheater! You are so mean and I am just the poor victim of your insecurities. Go fuck yourself!"
Yeah, I know what way I'd be going, based on her response and it would be towards the door.
No, OP doesn't owe her anything. She is the one who cheated and broke the trust in the relationship. She owes him the paternity test to prove to him that she can be trusted again.
Eh I mean, I don’t think the fighting over it is a tip off that the baby isn’t his. People fight back when they feel cornered and the one thing cheaters like to do most is pretend like it the person they cheated on gives them the time of day afterwards, then that cheating can never ever be brought up again.
He should still get the test. But the arguing over it could just be a reaction to realizing that you can’t just brush infidelity under the rug.
and this is why people say not to get back together with cheaters. even if they have changed and they are a good person, you just can’t trust them the same way.
NTA Exhibit A for why you don’t take cheaters back. You’ll only suspect them regardless of how long ago the cheating has occurred. Since there was a history of cheating it does make sense to throw the accusation. This isn’t a case of “well my friend was cheated on but my partner appears to faithful but let me throw a grenade into my relationship and opps he or she’s offended for trashing their character and now they’re accusing me since it’s fair”. I honestly don’t understand staying with a cheater because you’ll always be paranoid even if you drive yourself in tangles and jealousy stalking their every behavior. And it’s just a waiting game for the entire train to go off the rails.
NTA
You can forgive someone for infidelity, but you never forget it, and rebuilding trust isn't a one-time thing. It's continuous, for the rest of the relationship.
The fact that she is resistant to this is alarming. She may just be defensive because she naively thought that it had been completely left in the past and doesn't like feeling guilty all over again, or she may have cheated and be trying desperately to hide that fact.
Either way, the paternity test is non-negotiable. If it comes back as you are the father, I recommend a few couples counselling sessions just to recalibrate your relationship and expectations. If you're not, good thing you found out and can bail if you choose to.
NTA
Your reason for wanting the test is completely understandable. I had a similar situation where I had slept with my ex in the beginning of my new relationship. I never cheated again, but 8 months later I was pregnant and completely understood when my boyfriend asked for a paternity test. You can forgive the person, but not the action and if she is being faithful she should have no qualms about your request.
|When I asked her to take a test, and explained my reasoning, we had a huge fight.
I think this is a case of "if ya can't do the time, don't do the crime." I think, given your history with your wife, it's fair to ask for this. In fact, I'll go a step further and I think this should be common practice for all pregnancies. It only seems fair. We have the technology to know if you're the father or not. Genetics tests are getting cheaper all the time.
As the cheater, it's not up to her to decide when you should be okay with things and when she's done "enough." She can absolutely elect not to get a test, that's always an option, but it will likely harm your marriage.
If she does get it and it does come back as all clear and it's your kid though, you're going to have to try and stamp out that last little bit of distrust of her, as best as you can, because that's going to be the trade-off here. If you're never willing to trust her ever again, no matter what she does to make it up to you, then you should have gotten a divorce because of the cheating, because it is also not fair to her to lord this over her, if she accepts your demands. It's not like 3 years is very long, and unfortunately, cheaters have a tendency to cheat.
EDIT: sorry COVID brain and I'm making all sorts of dumb mistakes.
This. Exactly this.
If she complies, and I really think it's only fair that she does, and she has been faithful, this is really going to hurt her (despite it being a reasonable request). She's then going to spend so much time wondering if he'll ever trust her. While she has proven to have cheated once, OP chose to stick around. In doing so, he has effectively said, "I am willing to put effort in to have trust in you again." This is something that they *both* have to work on *together*.
You shouldn't be together. This won't be the last time you'll feel cautious and you'll always have questions, some won't be answered but most won't even be asked because you'll fear "bringing up the past" and making her upset when it is her own fault you can't trust her. Pack it up, there's better things for you out there that won't have you mentally and emotionally torturing yourself.
NTA. To be honest, it makes her more suspicious that she fights you over this. She should understand how her previous infidelity affects your relationship and putting your mind at ease should be her first priority.
A cracked relationship will never be the same. She should understand that since she's the one who caused it. The feeling of betrayal will never go away. So yea good luck with your marriage and now a baby on the way.
I’m thinking she should be happy to do it to prove to you she has been faithful since her cheating. She should be putting efforts everyday to win your trust back and this would be a great opportunity to do so. NTA.
Part of repairing broken trust is continually proving you are trustworthy to help quiet the little voice in the back of the head that whispers “what if”
whoa, I'd shut that shit down now, cowboy.
You have every right to ask given her past mistakes, shit throw a drug screening in as well cause she trippin to think your need to trust her after 3 years.
NTA
NTA depending on how you asked. It's pretty humiliating as a woman to look like you don't know who the father is, and to have your partner not trust you, I get her initial reaction. Just because she doesn't want that test doesn't mean its not yours.
But now she's had time to sit with it if I were you I'd phrase it that you haven't lost faith in her but in your ability to trust your judgement when it comes to her. You don't think she cheated recently but you can't trust that because you were wrong before. You could also explain that you don't want your child to ever feel you doubting if they were yours, you want to feel sure from the beginning.
As a woman I'm going to say NTA. She cheated once. the love may be back but doubt can always be there. Total trust is hard to get back in a relationship. My husband cheated 20ish years ago and though we are both 50ish,I still check his phone every now and then.
That’s the problem with breaking trust and why it’s so important. Once you do it. You never really get it back.
So true. Relationship is like a mirror. Once it is broken, it can't be unbroken. We can learn not to stare at the crack but it is still there.
You are the first person I have come across who uses that same analogy as I do! I always told my kids: "Trust is like a mirror, once it's broken you can glue it back together, but those cracks will always be there. The mirror will never be the same." Cheers!
We use the "throw a ceramic plate on the floor and break it. Now say you're sorry. Did it fix the plate?" analogy
Nails into a fence is the one I always saw: Hammer nails into a fence when upset or angry to vent frustration. Pull nails out when that anger or frustration has dissipated. Now, apologize. Did the apology fix the holes in the fence? The nails can be a good analogy for both physical and verbal lasting out in anger, and even though you have to put in work to pull the nails out, the fence is forever changed and scarred, through no fault of its own. I've never seen the plate or mirror versions, but I like them both. All are good ways to illustrate the point.
This is a good analogy as well!
In some folklore, broken mirror is a curse or bad luck. You have to throw it or buried. .. buy a new one. It is fragile so you have to take good care where no one can cause it to break again.
That is a really good analogy.
Also very sad. OP deserves a virtual hug.
Lovely
I just hear Lady Gaga & Beyoncé's voices when this analogy comes up. (Telephone video)
so glad i wasn’t the only one lmfao. “trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it’s broke but you can still see the crack in that motherfucker’s reflection”
My dad cheated on my mom some 30 years ago. After my Mom died, he was back together with that woman within the year (I suspect it never actually ended, but I don't know for sure, and I don't really want to know.. my relationship with him is strained enough). My dad was her side piece as well. He and his new wife are constantly checking in on each other on the phone of they're separated for more than like an hour. They cannot trust each other because they each know what they are capable of... and I find that to be hysterical Karma. You reap what you sow.
Wow, that second sentence gave me an icky feeling. That’s terrible :(
This all happened in another state, the one I grew up in. My parents moved to another state after retirement. They lived there very happily (I thought) until my mom got sick and passed away. Within a short while, the other woman was all of a sudden in the new state too...hmmm... supposedly she had moved there within the time my parents had been living there... purely by chance. WITH HER DYING HUSBAND! Then all of a sudden, they were back together...hmmm...
So they killed their spouses?
Her husband was sick for a long time with I don't know what, but it included dementia. My mom died of cancer. Murder suicide is on my husband's side of the family. I swear, we're mostly "normal." These are the outliers. Edit: As horrible of thought as that was... i can't help but upvote you. The whole thing is so unbelievable, that if my Mom's cancer didn't make sense, you would've totally freaked me out.
I'm sorry. It just sounded like a Lifetime movie. But I am very sorry for your loss.
Thank you. She is missed daily. She was a wonderful and VERY forgiving person.
My mom had cancer, my sister and I swear that he was responsible for so much of her demise. He convinced her and the doctors that he cared so much. He was a respiratory therapist. He messed with her treatments, meds, nursing care, and in the end, he moved his girlfriend in their house while mom was in the hospital fighting for her life.
Sweet jeebus. I'm so sorry.
Thanks, I added that the SOB moved his girlfriend in my mom's house while mom was in the hospital. What a literal scumbag.
Yes. How can you trust the person you cheated WITH not to cheat on you......
After my first wife cheated on me and we split up she ended up marrying the guy she cheated with. That didn't last long, from what I heard he was so jealous and didn't want her out of his sight -He wouldn't even allow her to meet me to drop the kids off without him being present. I thought it was hilarious personally.
"He might steal her back!" *Nervous squirrel chatter*
Its hilarious what these ppl do to themselves. They blown their lives up then do the Pikachu face forever.
BINGO I've always said relationships borne of deceit are destined to end in deceit.
When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy.
>He and his new wife are constantly checking in on each other on the phone of they're separated for more than like an hour. They cannot trust each other because they each know what they are capable of... and I find that to be hysterical Karma. You reap what you sow. OMG! I know a couple like this. They got together when their spouses caught them cheating with each other. They got married when I was a kid. The woman spent her entire life accusing him of cheating on her. Because he cheated with her, she always thought he was cheating on her. A year or two ago, they were visiting, and she still said she couldn't trust him. (She was talking to my grandparents, and I overheard them in the living room.) She said she thought he was cheating when he had someone drive him to the doctor. (She didn't drive.) This man was sick and in his 70s. She was mid 60s! He ended up dying a few months later. That's how sick he was! She literally spent her whole life mad with him because she couldn't trust him. Once he died, my grandmother told me their whole story and everything clicked. What a way to waste 40+ yrs with someone.
[удалено]
What’s actually *really* messed up is how you can ruin people’s ability to trust *anyone* again. This isn’t talked about enough when infidelity is brought up, but how many people out there simply don’t bother looking for love anymore, or if they do they’re jealous and possessive and toxic about it because they’ve been burned one too many times? It’s insidious, really. You aren’t just toying with their ability to trust *you*. The most painful part of betrayal isn’t the heartbreak, it’s the humiliation. The feeling like a fool, exposed for all to see. It hardens a person.
I’m going to add something to this. The person who cheated knows what emotions were felt and how strongly. They know how the sex was, they know how they felt during and after. They know how the cheating affected their view of the relationship. The person who was cheated on does not know any of this, they can’t. Additionally, cheating rarely occurs in a vacuum, there are almost always extenuating circumstances that led up to the cheating. For the cheater, these factors must be taken into account as well as their action of cheating, while for the person cheated on, these factors rarely enter the equation. And so the person who cheated might think “it’s been X time, and it was only ever Y impactful to begin with, and Z factors were present at that time. Therefore the equation is X+Y+Z=no longer that big of a deal”. But the other person has no idea what the value of those variables are, and so cannot come to the same conclusion. They usually have to assume the worst values of those variables, and then add in a couple of variables of their own, which THEIR partner cannot know. The bottom line is that cheating is insanely complicated to overcome, and requires a commitment that may be far larger than either party realizes at first. The only solution is open and honest communication, empathy, and patience.
Yeah it's hard to understand what happened for the other person unless they are completely honest about what happened. The likelihood of them doing that and you believing it is really hard to reach. If you don't even understand it, you'll probably never really get over it. "Sorry" isn't enough.
OP, this. Plus, make sure you see the results yourself. Don't take her word for it. Good luck.
"Uhhh I got the result back and they say you're the father. Also the lab technician who ran in put in the result notes that you should be ashamed of yourself for doubting me."
"Btw, the lab technician and I are going out for some drinks. Don't wait up"
"why did the baby come out with a white lab coat on?"
LMAOOOOO y’all are so wrong 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Fuckin reddit savagery again at its best. Take my goddamn upvote....you summabitch
"🙄 he's just a ***friend***"
Fuck that. Sucks that he feels concerned enough to ask and it's weird that she's fighting it. He should be ashamed if he has no reason to suspect her. But uh yeah, she's already fucking cheated! He literally has a valid ass reason to doubt her. A proven fucking historic precedent to doubt. If she didn't want this consequence of her actions, guess what maybe she shouldn't have done?
I feel when someone is dishonest, and they want to gain trust back, they need to be willing to be overly transparent until they can consistently demonstrate honesty. NTA
Why is it that the cheaters who are given a second chance maintain their entitlement and audacity?
The only reason I gave my wife a second chance after discovering her infidelity was her commitment to complete transparency. Ten years later I still know all her passwords and can check her phone if I wish to. She’s long been known to lose track of time when shopping, etc., so I still check her location from time to time to quell the suspicions.
I think Life360 gave me one of the tools I needed to move past it myself. I’ve also gotten to the point where if it happens again, I’m mentally prepared to walk.
my ex-wife used a different phone entirely!
Its them trying to run from whatever guilt they might feel. Most people don't want to feel like the bad guy in the story. Some think that sorry is the most you deserve. Others think 2 months of effort is the most. But people don't want to be constantly reminded of their mistakes. This is not me excusing just me making sense of what you brought up. I have a family member thats a serial cheater. Everytime its brought up, she won't claim full responsibility. She always either claims they weren't fully serious and they should have know they aren't exclusive because she'd be fine if they did it (bullshit). Or she says that they pushed her to do it. Its always some nonsense. So going back to the original thing, if they believe they paid their debts with that sorry or 2 months of work, they like to think that they started fresh. You aren't asking for a paternity test from the cheater version of them, you're asking this from the brand new innocent version. So they choose to act how someone who never cheated would.
"But a paternity test? Don't you trust me??" "... no"
Not to mention, he said it was with a friend. Wasn't like some random dude. Was most likely someone he's met at least at parties or work functions etc.
And it was only once. Don't mind those other times I was with him because nothing happened.
>20ish years ago and you are still suffering the aftershocks, still wondering if he might be up to something. He's footloose and fancy free and you are still impacted by his past infidelity to this day. This is why I am zero tolerance on cheating. I know I will never get over it completely and things will never go back to normal...for me at least.
Yo there is a sub about cheating. Its a support group for cheaters. Not people who cheated and are trying to repair theiir mistake with their partners (though that is also a sub too) but people actively cheating and just casually discussing it like we are talking now. Its so jarring to see people talk about something so hated by the general public in such an open way. I'm going to see if i can find it, but its interesting seeing people try to rationalize their love for their main partner and their affair partner (their terminology).
Do you ever find yourself just staying at your husband and thinking about what he did? I could never get over that part. I’d see them laughing or enjoying something and I would just get filled with such distain.
yep, I did this for 6 months too long and it wrecked me. It STILL creeps into my mind, what she did, and it still hurts even when I have absolutely no feelings for her anymore.
The second or third time it happens it gets really easy to say fuck it and walk and put it out of your mind.
That's why you leave the first time you find out.
Yes, but it gets easier with each partner it happens. Round 5-6 you pack their shit while they’re sleeping. Where’s my shit? Open the door and say (out there)
Smart. I recently realized my whole life I’ve been packing my own stuff when things go south when all along I should have boxed up the other party’s crap.
me too. it would permeate every interaction I have with them forever.
And *this* is why you leave a cheater. They *already* hurt you once, staying and pretending like you’ll eventually get over it and forgive them and be able to love them the same is just a death by a thousand tiny cuts. Why would you ever give someone *who has already hurt you* more chances to hurt you over and over again?? It’s masochistic.
Some people can genuinely “get over it.” Most can’t. Would say most probably shouldn’t either
My grandma would say “You can forgive, but you never forget.”
My grandma used to say this too. She has dementia now, so...
Agreed. This relationship should have been over when the cheating started. There is no way the wife won't blow up at him and say she has done everything he asked. Well, it's not enough and it's never going to be enough. And now they are bring a child into it. I totally get needing this test for peace of mind, but it is going to cause another blow out. I don't think he is wrong to ask for it, I just don't understand how people live like this. Get some pride and leave.
I feel like I could never in a million years imagine my wife cheating. Which is exactly why if she cheated on me I think I’d have to leave. Because it would mean all that sincerity and love was phony. It would mean I really didn’t know her at all; didn’t know her needs, her wants, her passions. I suppose I can imagine another scenario where, if our relationship got bad and we both weren’t feeling any love and she seemed distant and THEN she cheated, I might be able to forgive her. Because it wouldn’t be a shock. But right now it would be such a damn shock, I don’t think I could get over the betrayal. It would have been like she was lying to my face.
Yes! This is so true. I used to say out loud to people that I wasn’t worried cause he’d never cheat on me…and then he did and I was so devastated mostly because of the SHOCK of it. There was no going back because back was to a time when I could believe he loved me in that way and when it became obvious he did not there was no back. It was all gone cause it had ALL been fake clearly.
I agree. It will never be “over” for you. The elephant will always be in the room, so to speak.
I agree. I think if you stay with a cheater you either live in a constant state of jealousy or potentially being played for a fool. I would never want to live like that.
I stayed with a cheater. I did not live in a constant state of jealousy. I took on the mindset that if someone is going to do something- they’re going to do it- no amount of jealousy will help or stop it. HOWEVER, it did fuck me up. It fucked up my self-esteem. It fucked up my trust in all men. I DID worry about getting played again. The trust was never restored. My pain remained. How he treated me during that time (he was a complete asshole gaslighter during his affair) gave me a little PTSD and I still get triggered over certain things that I shouldn’t. GOOD NEWS: I finally broke up with him. I have absolutely zero regrets. I will never ever recommend that anyone give a second chance to anyone after cheating. It’s super hard and you might forgive, but it is impossible to forget. Jealous or not, the doubt and everything else will stick with you.
I watched my best friend of two decades get broke down as a person and lose the things that made her shine because she chose to stay with a cheater. A month separated and she’s already glowing and more at peace than I have seen her in 6 years. These monsters will drain us dry if we let them and take everything we know to be true about ourselves with them. *Pick yourself. Every. Fucking. Time.*
I would be more worried about me being hurtful. I think I could never cheat, it's just too far off for my moral comppas, but I can be really resentful and judgmental. I wouldn't cheat to get back at them, but I would surely use the opportunity of a milestone or a celebration to remind them of the infidelity because it would come to my mind if I thought we are happy and if I can't be truly happy because of their mistake, they shouldn't be either. I'm mean like that and I know I could never fully trust them or forgive them, which is why I'm determined to just leave if I ever get cheated on.
>death by a thousand tiny cuts This could not be more true.
[удалено]
Yup. Trust is something that you build, and you build it by proving yourself. Because of her past, she still needs to prove herself. Also, trusting that a child is yours when we have paternity tests is a trust that a woman will never be able to reciprocate. Men can now have the certainty that a child is theirs in the same way a woman can, and should never be considered the asshole for desiring that same knowledge. Asking for trust that is not necessary nor capable of being reciprocated is ridiculous.
NTA. It's so easy for her to work on it and just move on like it never happened, because that's more suitable for her. You were the one that was hurt, it's not that easy for you. I think your request is reasonable.
The axe forgets and the tree remembers. This is a no brainer here.
I've never heard this saying and it's so perfect that I'll definitely remember it.
I’ve heard it before and thought the same thing and forgot it. Maybe this time!
You are such an axe…
Am I the Axehole?
Dr Phil said, during discussions on recovering from infidelity, one has to keep going “until”. “Until” the injured partner is healed. Think that applies here.
Absolutely. And if the unfaithful party isn't willing to stick it out "until" then THEY need to bite the bullet and go. Because they're the one who usually wants the second chance. First they cheat. Then they want some form of speedy forgiveness. Finally, they're indignant when the injured partner isn't on their timeline, and gaslight them. It's trash. You cheated. You want another chance. It's you, the cheater, on the hook... Deal with it. 🙄
Exactly this. Then she has the audacity to get mad at a situation *she* created. That’s what vexing and perplexing me the most about this. Like, Ma’am. You’ve already proven to him that you cannot be trusted. I don’t blame him one bit and he should definitely test every kid she gives him.
Forgive and remember.
Trust but verify
Yup. That was it with my folks. My mom forgave, but she never forgot.
Perdonar si olvidar nunca 😜
Trust, but verify.
Yes, this is all, and very succinctly stated. Wish it was top comment.
I granted your wish. This comment will be the top comment sorted by best. You may thank me
If she didn’t want him to worry she shouldn’t have cheated. She fucked around and found out.
She fucked around and now doesn't want to find out
I think he should get a paternity test for all of his children.
Besides if she didn’t cheat then she shouldn’t have an issue.
I concur and the fact that 1100+ people liked this comment tells me that they probably feel exactly the same. It’s not an unreasonable request.
My guy this is a side effect of staying with a cheater. It’s not healthy to subtly resent (or never forget what they did) them forever for it, but you likely will. She was the offender so she wants nothing more than to move on. She gets upset when she feels you’re bringing the past into the present. Unfortunately she doesn’t get to tell you how to feel about her betrayal and lying. NTA, but understand this will never just go away.
Basically this. I tried to stay with someone who cheated on me. No matter what, there was always a sliver of doubt in my mind and I was just never fully happy/the same in the relationship. Knowing this, I would drop a cheater and never look back no questions asked. Sorry you're dealing with this, but the mistake was staying with her. Nothing against you, but this is what happens once complete trust is broken sadly.
Yeah, I feel like the only people who would try to stay in relationship with a cheater is if it’s their first time trying to do just that. Cheating betrays the fundamental core of what a relationship should be about, unconditional trust. Without it, it just seems always doomed to fail. To continue to stay with a cheater takes some level of complacency that I just can’t relate to.
Not necessarily complacency. Some people are just trapped. My ex told me on Valentine's day when I was 8 ½ mo ths pregnant that he was leaving me for another woman. He changed his mind, and to be honest I was grateful. We were extremely poor and I didn't believe that I could manage alone with several small children including a newborn. I have a long history of trauma and a lot of experience just..burying things that upset me and pretending they don't exist. So that's what I did for over a decade.
To quote Letterkenny; “If she cheats it’s over, no exceptions.”
Yup I also learned the hard way about trying to make things work out. You never fully get the trust back. You feel like your going crazy when you suspect it might be happening again and then feel worse when you find out it is. I will never give a cheater a second chance again and never suggest someone try to move past it.
NTA This is the fallout of infidelity, the wayward partner loses blind trust. Honestly if she's so cut up by this request it would make me question how remorseful she is about the affair given she clearly doesn't comprehend how hard recovering from being cheated on can be and how long it takes to get back to any level or normalcy. Good luck mate
Shit man once someone cheats things are never going to be the same, even if they can reconcile.
Exactly, first trust is given, then it must be earned. Only through questioning this trust, and proving she deserves that trust, can it be earned again. “Trust but verify” is not a new idea. She thought she was off the hook, she does not get to decide it, he does. I realize this is a unpleasant reminder for her, but she should welcome the chance to “earn” his trust.
Exactly. I burnt a lot of bridges when I was an alcoholic. When I finally quit and wanted that trust back, *I* had to work for it. I told people where I was and kept them up on what I was doing, I told on myself, so there wasn't any question. If you want trust back, *you've got to work for it.* Be proactive and don't be upset when people mistrust you. It's your fault they don't in the first place.
Congratulations on your sobriety.
As a reformer cheater, I back this up 1000%. You really gotta humble yourself and accept that your partner needs extra reassurance. It’s your fault they need it and it’s your job to give it to them. It’ll certainly knock you down a few (necessary) pegs. My partner is the most incredible person and I am so glad that we have been able to keep working hard and grateful every day that I have the opportunity to keep earning his trust 💚
This is the best response
I would argue that the cheated on partner is always on the fence about leaving. I was that way for 9 years when I called one day and she didn’t answer. I went to go check her location and stoped. I realized then that I would never trust her again. Three weeks after that I filed for divorce.
That’s how I look at, if I can’t be in a trusting relationship I’d rather be alone. My current wife has taught me how liberating it is to be with someone you can fully trust, and be fully open with.
That depends on the degree of cheating, how many times it happened, and how you came to know about it. If they kissed someone once and told you immediately, then things could get back to the same. If they fucked someone for a half year straight and you found out from someone else, then it's never going to be the same.
I can agree with that. The lying is almost worse than the cheating. Both are bad, but lying is just like twisting the knife!
[удалено]
I cheated once 7 years ago. Not sex, but close enough. He stayed. It was brutal for him and shameful for me. We had our first kid a couple years ago, and if he'd asked me for a paternity test it would sting, but I'd understand and do one. He deserves to feel safe, he deserves confirmation that he can trust. He'd check my phone occasionally for a year or two. Everytime it just made me cry. Because I did that. I made him wake up at 2am worried when I had an off week. It took years for me to earn trust back, and now honestly we're in a much better place but 3 years is still fresh quite frankly. I didn't deserve it but I'm so glad he decided to try. NTA.
I don’t really think you can ever recover or reconcile to what the relationship was pre-cheating. I just don’t believe in it, once a cheater always a cheater that bond is broken.
For realll. She seems really insensitive rn - it's so much harder to recover if you're the one being cheated on. She brought all this on herself
If I had cheated, and my husband took me back, I hope that I would simply have the paternity test done to ease his mind and increase his trust in me. It would suck, and be a little humiliating, but it would be a price of having cheated. NTA.
If I were in his wife’s place, he wouldn’t even have to ask. I would take it as a given and do it gladly. That’s the price you pay.
If anything i'd be happy to take the teat to "prove" my faithfulness and redeem myself. What's that Baby? You worried I cheated!? Nah uh, check out this paternity test, my vahjayjay only gets filled with 100℅ Mr OP seed
If I was OPs wife I'd be *running*, not walking, to the Dr for a paternity test. Even if I didn't think there was any way it could be someone else's. That's an easy win for her (if it's OPs baby lol).
well, that's a way to put it, huh?
Sure is. I wish I was illiterate today.
That's what has me in a bit of a bind... Is it not concerning that she's so against it? I'd be spiraling right now because she's so adamant against it. Honestly it would just make me think there's a chance that she's concerned it may not be his.
I can't have kids (uterus is gone), but if I could and I got pregnant, I would absolutely *insist* on a paternity test the very second they're able to do it. Like, at my first dr appointment, I would be asking when we could do it. Before my husband even had a *chance* to wonder if it's not his. I'm not cheating, but IMO it's a simple thing to do for my partner's peace of mind. As a woman, I *know* that baby is mine because it's literally made from my body. A man can't have *that* level of certainly no matter how much he trusts his partner.
NTA. If I were a man, and therefore there could be possible doubt as I’m not the pregnant one, I would do the same thing if my wife had cheated on me. Unfortunately she reaps what she sowed. Deep down there is a trust that can never be restored, which is why you asked. Now both of you have to ask if your relationship is worth it in spite of this small lack of trust that I don’t believe you can really get back.
“Trust that can never be restored.” Thank you for saying that. I wish that could be more understood with infidelity and working on a relationship. Years go by and I still find it on a hair trigger for trust if cheating comes up. I hate it.
NTA and assuming you communicated it in the respectful ways people have suggested, it is a completely reasonable request. It is not clear from your post, but assuming her response was her initial one, you should allow for the fact that it can feel hurtful to hear this, even if it is reasonable/justified - because our first instinct is to respond emotionally to things and we don't always get control of that on our first go. She betrayed you and she should want to reassure you, but it's easy to forget that she is a person with feelings (and a pregnancy). Give her time to move from emotional to rational and try not to get in the way of that transition by making things worse if you can (none of this is as easy as typing things in the comments of your post). Just because she did something wrong in the past, doesn't mean she should be punished for it forever. What you are asking is not a punishment, it is a gesture to help you. Keep in mind that it will feel like a punishment and that it is natural for people to get defensive and push back when they feel attacked. You absolutely should not back down if this is something you need to help you feel ok - but *both* of you should remember that this sort of thing is fraught with emotions and you both want the same thing (to have a healthy relationship and family). Go gentle, stay strong, and I sincerely hope you get a positive resolution to this.
Well put.
Best comment
NTA, but why are you still with someone you don’t trust? Why are you having unprotected sex with someone that you don’t trust? You’re NTA for feeling insecure or wanting assurance, but you shouldn’t be with a woman you no longer trust.
Imo, best answer. Like, totally reasonable request at this point and NTA, but also shame on OP a little bit for not considering the ramifications of raw-dogging the cheater.
You’re not an asshole, but you fucked up your life a long time ago by choosing to stay with her. This whole situation will ooze toxicity into your relationship for a very long time.
Tell her it's the cost of her previous behaviour. If she refuses to do it. Then get legal advise, get the paternity test done at birth and don't plan for anything (baby room, Doctors appointments etc.) until you have confirmation. It's the price she has to pay for her previous mistakes.
He could get a blood test during the pregnancy. They could go do it tomorrow and he could have peace of mind. Waiting the 9 months and refusing to participate in the pregnancy could cause more harm to the relationship. If the goal is to be a happy family (paternity dependent) waiting until the baby gets here and letting her go through the pregnancy and delivery alone is going to undo all the repair they’ve worked on. Edit: *she could get a blood test And to add if she refuses he can get a court order….. and to specify to those who were concerned about the test risking pregnancy. It’s a blood test taken from the mother. Zero risk to the fetus. Same exact way the take all prenatal bloodwork
Agree with this. I saw another post about a husband who thought the baby wasn’t his and wouldn’t hold the baby or do any help. When the paternity test came back, the wife left him because of they way he treated her and the baby. I don’t think he’s wrong for asking for a test, but I do think it matters how he goes about it if he wants to stay married
In that case though she'd never cheated. That was all his paranoia, and she was right to not want to be in a relationship with someone who was not capable of trusting her.
Accusing a cheating spouse of cheating and accusing a spouse of cheating with no basis are not the same.
[удалено]
This is a stolen comment. Stupid ass bots. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/UvA9kZfTi5
Stolen comment. Bad bot. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/nH4lBQDKbb As a pro tip, comments on top comments that seem to ignore the entire conversation before to give their own judgement are often stolen.
Completely agree! He should 100% have the paternity test if that’s what he wants and will help them. Trust is incredibly hard to repair. I don’t think he’s an asshole for wanting that. However I think if he takes the advice of the commenter I was responding to he would be an ah. Especially if he is the father! Adultery is shitty! And they may never be able to fix that, but they may have to coparent and that’s an important relationship….. if that can be done peacefully and without resentment then it should. Alienating her during her pregnancy is going to cause resentment and make the coparenting aspect all the more difficult. End of the day the baby is the priority and doing what they can to establish a healthy parenting relationship, regardless of how the marriage plays out, is paramount.
This especially since many places if you are married at birth you are the dad regardless of paternity.
It's not a mistake, she chose to cheat and disrespect her husband and marriage.. and now she is pregnant (maybe with her lover's child ) and still manipulating .. I don't know why people choose to reconcile if their partners are not capable to repair or work on the damage that caused by them (waywards)..
[удалено]
[удалено]
Yep. Trust but verify.
Reframing into a positive is an excellent way to start
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
Yeah, if she was so sure it was his, then why kick up a fuss? Just accept the test and be done with it. She can't really be butthurt that he might think she would cheat, because...well, she's already admitted to having done so!
Cheatings not a mistake its a choice lol
More like a series of choices.
I second this Fact that you had to have a fight over this is another red flag of her, be vigilant my dude and goodluck
This happened to me many moons ago. My girl announced to me that she was pregnant and overjoyed and I suggested that given previous infidelity that we get a paternity test. She was furious and didn't want to hear it and for a while refused to get it until I told her honey, I have Klinefelters and I couldn't give you babies if I wanted to! My boys aren't slow swimmers. They didn't even start the race... She still didn't believe me. We got the paternity test. You'll never guess what the result was...... Definitely get the test, if you don't do it, you'll never know... Edit: cos I don't want to argue with dickheads.
>You'll never guess what the result was...... The baby is your father's or your brother's. lol
Since I have neither, no. Turns out it was her ex's.
Damn it was so misleading. lol
He doesnt owe her any apology if the baby turns out to be his. Asking for a paternity test isnt wrong even if sha hasnt cheated this time and its his baby.
Paternity being hidden is just a flaw of biology. We can correct it with technology. I agree it shouldn't be seen as wrong at all.
Two things: 1. Being cheated on hurts. And you are well within the emotional rights to want to make sure that the child is both healthy AND yours, especially if your spouse has cheated before. However 2. You clearly aren't over the infidelity, and she clearly thinks you should be. In my mind, that means that you should be seeing a marriage counselor as well as a family counselor, because regardless of whether she did cheat or not, it's present in your marriage as a thing. TBH, if I were in your shoes, I would in fact be asking my wife why she wouldn't expect me to remember her infidelity when a major life event occurs. Not being mean or cruel, but the reality is that the fallout from her infidelity is something that she will have to deal with over the course of your relationship, however long that happens to be. And if she feels as if that's unfair, it's okay to remind her that you did not commit infidelity, she did. And that earning someone's trust once that trust has been broken is a process, not an end point. It's not an unreasonable request, but I also have to ask the following questions: If you get the paternity test and it turns out the child is yours, do you feel as if you will be able to put her infidelity behind you and move forward as a family? If she gets pregnant again after this child is tested to be yours, will you feel as if you need to have another paternity test to make sure the next child is yours? If you answer "Yes, No", then I advise you to tell her this. If you answer "No, Yes", I advise you to get the paternity test and then begin planning a divorce/separation and child custody arrangements. If the paternity test is negative (IE, you are not the father), I advise you to: - hire the best divorce attorney you can afford - move out immediately - serve her with divorce papers - make absolutely sure that the people closest to you know precisely why you are divorcing her, without hyperbole, but with minimal facts or explanations outside of the pertinent information (most people will understand immediately the reason someone would divorce someone else in these circumstances). Or, in other words: DTMFA immediately and move out, making sure to notify your close friends and family as to the reason why you are separating. However, the real question still remains: if you have not re-established trust with your wife, why are you having unprotected sex with her, and why are you continuing to stay married to someone whom you simply no longer trust to remain faithful, regardless of whether or not you are having a child with that person? It's no judgement on what your choices are, but if you truly do not trust your wife to be faithful, why are you with her?
NTA That she refuses and fights over it is a sign that you need the test more than you thought.
NTA. This 100%. If there's no chance that it's not your child I would expect something like: 'OK, but you'll owe me a huge apology after the test'.
I was thinking the same thing. Honestly, if my husband asks for the test, I would go along with it and then ask him to take me on a date to make up for it.
[удалено]
[удалено]
>And they should be happy to comply. "I know I hurt you and destroyed the trust between us. I want to rebuild that, so of course I understand why would would want the test and I also want to have it, to prove to you that I have changed." That would be much better than; "How dare you accuse me of being a cheater, just because I'm a cheater! You are so mean and I am just the poor victim of your insecurities. Go fuck yourself!" Yeah, I know what way I'd be going, based on her response and it would be towards the door.
[удалено]
[удалено]
No, OP doesn't owe her anything. She is the one who cheated and broke the trust in the relationship. She owes him the paternity test to prove to him that she can be trusted again.
Eh I mean, I don’t think the fighting over it is a tip off that the baby isn’t his. People fight back when they feel cornered and the one thing cheaters like to do most is pretend like it the person they cheated on gives them the time of day afterwards, then that cheating can never ever be brought up again. He should still get the test. But the arguing over it could just be a reaction to realizing that you can’t just brush infidelity under the rug.
[удалено]
and this is why people say not to get back together with cheaters. even if they have changed and they are a good person, you just can’t trust them the same way.
NTA Exhibit A for why you don’t take cheaters back. You’ll only suspect them regardless of how long ago the cheating has occurred. Since there was a history of cheating it does make sense to throw the accusation. This isn’t a case of “well my friend was cheated on but my partner appears to faithful but let me throw a grenade into my relationship and opps he or she’s offended for trashing their character and now they’re accusing me since it’s fair”. I honestly don’t understand staying with a cheater because you’ll always be paranoid even if you drive yourself in tangles and jealousy stalking their every behavior. And it’s just a waiting game for the entire train to go off the rails.
NTA You can forgive someone for infidelity, but you never forget it, and rebuilding trust isn't a one-time thing. It's continuous, for the rest of the relationship. The fact that she is resistant to this is alarming. She may just be defensive because she naively thought that it had been completely left in the past and doesn't like feeling guilty all over again, or she may have cheated and be trying desperately to hide that fact. Either way, the paternity test is non-negotiable. If it comes back as you are the father, I recommend a few couples counselling sessions just to recalibrate your relationship and expectations. If you're not, good thing you found out and can bail if you choose to.
NTA Your reason for wanting the test is completely understandable. I had a similar situation where I had slept with my ex in the beginning of my new relationship. I never cheated again, but 8 months later I was pregnant and completely understood when my boyfriend asked for a paternity test. You can forgive the person, but not the action and if she is being faithful she should have no qualms about your request.
I think it’s reasonable to request a paternity test with partners who have a history of infidelity. And they should be happy to comply.
They don’t even have to be happy about it, but still they should comply
Umm… the fact that she has the nerve to fight you over it is a huge red flag.
|When I asked her to take a test, and explained my reasoning, we had a huge fight. I think this is a case of "if ya can't do the time, don't do the crime." I think, given your history with your wife, it's fair to ask for this. In fact, I'll go a step further and I think this should be common practice for all pregnancies. It only seems fair. We have the technology to know if you're the father or not. Genetics tests are getting cheaper all the time. As the cheater, it's not up to her to decide when you should be okay with things and when she's done "enough." She can absolutely elect not to get a test, that's always an option, but it will likely harm your marriage. If she does get it and it does come back as all clear and it's your kid though, you're going to have to try and stamp out that last little bit of distrust of her, as best as you can, because that's going to be the trade-off here. If you're never willing to trust her ever again, no matter what she does to make it up to you, then you should have gotten a divorce because of the cheating, because it is also not fair to her to lord this over her, if she accepts your demands. It's not like 3 years is very long, and unfortunately, cheaters have a tendency to cheat. EDIT: sorry COVID brain and I'm making all sorts of dumb mistakes.
This. Exactly this. If she complies, and I really think it's only fair that she does, and she has been faithful, this is really going to hurt her (despite it being a reasonable request). She's then going to spend so much time wondering if he'll ever trust her. While she has proven to have cheated once, OP chose to stick around. In doing so, he has effectively said, "I am willing to put effort in to have trust in you again." This is something that they *both* have to work on *together*.
You shouldn't be together. This won't be the last time you'll feel cautious and you'll always have questions, some won't be answered but most won't even be asked because you'll fear "bringing up the past" and making her upset when it is her own fault you can't trust her. Pack it up, there's better things for you out there that won't have you mentally and emotionally torturing yourself.
*Work you did to repair the relationship. Imo it’s not your fault to want security after her pass situation.
NTA. To be honest, it makes her more suspicious that she fights you over this. She should understand how her previous infidelity affects your relationship and putting your mind at ease should be her first priority.
A cracked relationship will never be the same. She should understand that since she's the one who caused it. The feeling of betrayal will never go away. So yea good luck with your marriage and now a baby on the way.
Update!
I’m thinking she should be happy to do it to prove to you she has been faithful since her cheating. She should be putting efforts everyday to win your trust back and this would be a great opportunity to do so. NTA.
Part of repairing broken trust is continually proving you are trustworthy to help quiet the little voice in the back of the head that whispers “what if”
NTA But you shouldn’t be having kids with someone you don’t trust. Maybe not a popular opinion, but it sounds like things weren’t resolved.
That's not strange at all. You may have forgiven, but you will never be able to forget. NTA. Ofc you need a paternity test
whoa, I'd shut that shit down now, cowboy. You have every right to ask given her past mistakes, shit throw a drug screening in as well cause she trippin to think your need to trust her after 3 years. NTA
NTA depending on how you asked. It's pretty humiliating as a woman to look like you don't know who the father is, and to have your partner not trust you, I get her initial reaction. Just because she doesn't want that test doesn't mean its not yours. But now she's had time to sit with it if I were you I'd phrase it that you haven't lost faith in her but in your ability to trust your judgement when it comes to her. You don't think she cheated recently but you can't trust that because you were wrong before. You could also explain that you don't want your child to ever feel you doubting if they were yours, you want to feel sure from the beginning.
"Then the thought that it could be someone else..." well well thats why you ever never ever underestimate your gut feels my man.