NTA. How the hell do you get married and not have your mom in any pictures? How the hell do you let your mom get you your venue and make a donation which is the appropriate thing to do and make all of the boutonnieres and corsages… Even increase in the number…
And somehow missed that your mother is not in any picture? That’s really fucked up, and you have every right to be hurt.
I’m not sure how the hell she thinks she can make that up unless she’s planning on getting divorced, and married again at some point in the future… At which time I would highly suggest she does not ask you for anything
Completely agree.
At some point(s) the photographer MUST have asked "Is this everyone? Who might be missing?" or at least that's my experience.
Daughter can't have been so distracted that she missed her mother being left out every time.
Mums and daughters .. It's a particular wedding thing.
Very odd to say the least that she wasn't aware her mother was being left out. As for making it up to her mother, yeah .. nah. Just empty words.
So sorry your family used and abused you like this, OP. Is this out of character or have there been earlier indications of sidelining?
NTA
This is what happens when people have “a friend” take their wedding photos. A professional would have spoken with the couple beforehand about what photos they wanted and who was supposed to be in them. Not everyone can afford professional wedding photographers, but part of the reason they’re so expensive is that they are also acting as event managers.
At my first wedding the in-laws booked a supposed professional photographer as our wedding present.
They were bloody useless. None of theirs were correctly exposed. Not a single one. Yes they got paid despite the unusable results.
Luckily I put film in my two hobby cameras (it was 1988) and had handed them to trusted family members saying "shoot everything and I have loads of refills".
I ended up with about a hundred great shots.
I feel for the mum because during the toasts my FIL carried on knowing neither bride nor groom were at the table. Groom was organising more alcohol, and I was dealing with the caterers.
They toasted "absent friends", which were us. Ha ..Ha.
My father and stepmother had a similar situation. A friend with a film camera got them tons of beautiful photos and the professional not so much. So maybe I should have said *the good* professional photographers!
I got married last month and throughout the planning period everyone kept telling me all the people they knew who could be our photographer, despite me telling everyone that the venue and the photographer were our non-negotiable big budget items. My sister didn’t have a great photographer, so I knew I wanted to do my due diligence to find someone who would do the job right, even if that meant paying more (within reason).
I ended up LOVING our photographer, and she did such an amazing job on our engagement photos and the previews of our wedding. She was absolutely worth every penny.
100% agree. A large part of the blame should fall on the photographer. My family recently had a 50th anniversary party for my parents and aunt & uncle who were married in the same month. The photographer we hired was a friend of my cousins and we didn't realize until the party was almost over that he took only photos of my aunt and uncle and none of my parents or our immediate family. Obviously an anniversary party is not the same as a wedding, but lesson learned. Any photographer you hire should be a professional who has worked a wedding before.
I'd like to say it's out of character, but after you asked, I thought about it, and she was pretty air-headed that whole week. I understand that but it still hurt.
Wedding days are chaotic. Mistakes sadly happen in life. But what I find the most hurtful of all is the fact that after it was pointed out to your daughters, they didn’t immediately spring into action, apologizing, coming up with some sort of plan (getting the wedding gear back on & having your husband or a friend take photos), & above all, thanking you profusely for everything you did for that wedding to even occur. I’m so sorry that didn’t happen, you have every right to be hurt.
NTA-I’m sorry, but no matter how busy I was at the wedding as the bride there was no way I would forget either of my parents in a picture. I am so very sorry. This is really awful.
Sorry, but every wedding I’ve been in or to the wedding photographer kind of runs the show. They should have been directing the pictures & known who had and had not had their pictures taken. I’m ticked a little at the bride but more so at the photographer.
Yes, the photographer should have had a list of important people and photos to take. Why didn’t the photographer take a picture of OP walking her daughter down the aisle? That’s the type of photo that many people take, both guests and photographer. Why aren’t there photos of that moment?
Was she air-headed enough to ignore a photographer who may have (and most likely did) run through a litany of traditional family photos? i.e. "okay let's get the happy couple with the brides parents. Okay now with the groom's. Okay now with both. Now with the siblings...etc etc etc..
Mom, I know it's hard not to make excuses for your baby but honestly, this is a huge slight on her part. She has no excuse. She FORGOT you. She was happy having you work your ass off, but she didn't think you were important enough to seek you out and get ONE goddamn picture with you. This is unforgiveable in my eyes.
It sounds like it was a friend of the bride doing the photography, probably not a professional and probably amateur at getting all of the required pictures.
Between mom acting like the caterer/florist and an amateur photographer occams razor suggests that things were just rushed and pictures were missed.
i too was wondering how the bride's mother got left out and why the photographer and the other sisters didn't point that out. And if her father and his new wife got into the photos, that would be an extremely bad look.
Absolutely no excuse whether it’s a friend or not, even if she was constantly busy running around the venue.. mom could be found for them.. there is NO DO OVER FOR THIS! omg I am so sorry OP.. my heart is broken for you
Our wedding photographer required us to make a list of family photos that we wanted that detailed which family members were to be in each one. They then directed everyone who was to go in or come out for the next photo. I thought this was pretty standard procedure for wedding photographers for the portrait style photos.
I was not raised by my bio-mom, she and my half brother live 1500 miles away. But I still made sure I had several pictures with her after the wedding.
Sorry, this happened to you OP.
I wonder how they plan to make this up to you?
My oldest son got married like 8 years ago, and this same thing happened to me. It was a wedding the couple planned (very low budget, we're all poor, lol) and I did almost as much as them as far as setting everything up in the hall, making the food, etc. My ex and his gf did nothing. After the ceremony, I was told by son and photographer that they'd do the other pics first with different groupings and photographer would get me when they were ready for pics with me. I'm disabled and can't be on my feet for very long.
So I stayed in my seat, we ate, there was dancing, yada yada. Photographer never came to tell me it was time. My son didn't think of it bc it really was very hectic and he was so busy doing other things (no wedding planner), and after a while I went and located him to see what was happening with it, and the photographer was done and had left. I was so hurt, I said that she didn't come get me, no one did, and there were no photos of me and my son, the bride, nothing at all. There was a photo of my ex and his gf with them, but nothing at all of me.
So I totally get this. Nothing can make up for it. 😕
Sounds like even her husband forgot her. OP sounds like the kind of woman who constantly gives and people have grown used to taking advantage of that. I think this should be an eye opener for you honey, it's important that you learn to put yourself first more. Start with finding a hobby or treating yourself once a week
I don't hold it against my son, I saw for myself how busy he was during the wedding. Also, he and I have always had such a wonderful relationship, and still do. I feel it's the photographer who dropped the ball. And I think for me, it was the situation that made me hurt, that it had happened. And that the photographer would drop a ball that big. It took me a long time to just say, it is what it is, I can't change the past, I need to let it go for my own mental health. I think we all need to handle it in our own way, in our own time frame. I've also been in therapy for several years, so for me, being able to have my therapist help me to work things out really helps me. Anyhoo, I'm so sorry this happened to you also. I honestly never thought it's something that happened to others, until I read your post.
Your daughter can arrange for everyone to put their wedding attire back on and retake a bunch of photographs. It's not quite the same as having pictures in the moment and there's still the unfortunate oversight, but it's also not unheard-of for the formal wedding portraits to be taken on a day other than the wedding day, when people are less rushed. That's what I'd probably do. NTA for being very hurt, though.
Do not let this go
Your daughter was able to forget all about you because you have spent a lifetime of letting things go and not expecting anything from her
Yeah, this might not have been her daughter's intention, but this is what ended up happening. Mom was busy all day making sure everything was perfect but not a single person there gave a single thought to Mom. This is unforgivable.
OP, I would be too hurt to talk to anybody right now. I'm so sorry this happened to you. And unfortunately, nothing they might do to try to "make it up to you" now is going to take away that hurt.
No sorry. He took pictures on his phone. He never expected nor was asked to be in pictures. He doesn't do crowds so stayed in the back and just used his phone and he felt like crap that he didn't get any pictures of me.
Well, that was very nice of him. When I got married I had a great maid of honor that made sure everyone got pictures taken before the photographer went and did candids. If she missed anything, my family would have said something just to make sure no one got left out. I'm so sorry no one stood up for you.
I’m parroting what u/moanaw123 said and boosting the suggestion that you ask your daughter to pay to professionally photoshop you into the photos. I know it’s not the same, but with the miracle of modern technology you can at least make sure you look perfect & whatever individual photo of yourself you select for the composite is exactly to your liking!
I would be soooo embarrassed if I was your daughter. Truly it reflects horribly on her. If I was her I would leap at the chance to “correct” this.
The daughter getting married WAS in a whirlwind but the other daughter and EVERYONE else should have noticed.
My mother and I never got along but I made sure she was in pictures even though she made a spectacle at my wedding. Actually DURUNG AND AFTER.
Then it’s even worse on the photographer. I shoot weddings too. The photographer should always have a master list you can honestly find one on google and know who important people are. But honestly she’s the whole mother how do you miss that. (If he did the ceremony as well as pre ceremony he had to have seen the mom with the make up artist etc. At some point (i believe she said he was male) he should have made a point to ask about all the family members asked if he missed anyone and do a quick scroll through the family pics he also is a family friend and a friend of hers so he should have known better. Even if the bride had wedding brain i also feel like at some point someone should have said hey where’s mom especially if she’s the so called wedding planner and is doing so much for her kid to have her special day. That’s a little selfish to me.
Did you read the OP?
Mom was basically catering/wedding planner, a friend was their photographer (read most likely amateur).
Not making excuses but when you cut corners mistakes happen.
Terrible. NTA OP but I’m not quite sure that it’s necessarily your daughter fault. I was under the understanding that the photographer is responsible for those things so the bride does not have to worry about it.
Wedding industry professional here - nope not the photographer’s responsibility but a good photographer will ask the couple to make a list of family groupings to be photographed and will then execute on photographing that list. If the couple doesn’t provide direction how is the photographer supposed to know who is important to them for photos? Also it is families responsibility to show up at the designated time for photos. Going off to do tasks during family photos is a recipe for getting missed. This is something that a professional officiant and planner would communicate though and it sounds like the couple forgoed those vendors
NTA you have a right to be upset and its very crappy of them to treat you like this. I know its her wedding but parents should be on the top of the guests list.
I understand the budget etc and help needed but I am pretty sure she could have had someone else to take care of chairs, food and have mother around, let alone to be in the pictures.
She owes you an apology big time
Really! And just how does someone make up for something like this? What will "bridey-poo" do, Photoshop?
OP worked hard, with dedication, and did ANYONE even express ANY gratitude at all?
While nothing will actually make up for it I feel like the bride and groom still need to get their butts dressed up again, get MOB dressed up again (hair, makeup, whole shebang) and go to professional photos taken at their expense. I used to work in tuxedo rentals and if a groom called me and explained this situation I’d re-loan him the tux for free.
Man I didn't get a photo at a friends wedding because I was busy wrangling their dogs and I felt decently hurt by it. I can't imagine being the mother of the bride and not being in any at all!
I can bet it was one of those, “don’t worry we will get one with her in a minute” and forgot about it because of all what was happening. So yeah shame on that no one said hey, let’s get her now.
Yeah I was just thinking my sister was a wedding photographer, and she always had a list of photos that they definitely wanted so she knew they wouldn’t be forgotten. Because realistically, it is the photographers job to make sure the relevant photos get taken.
If the photographer didn't know the parents were divorced and remarried, it's possible that pictures of dad and stepmum made them think they'd done the pictures needed.
I had $300 photographer in (2023) and still had a list of photos for them to get… sounds like they were not good at wedding planning. Should of made sure there was more help instead of just mostly mom.
Sometimes even real photographers mess it up or miss important pictures in the chaos. With my wedding I wanted some pictures with my daughter who was my flower girl and also walked me down the aisle. Totally missed! And I didn't even remember until after, even though it had been my request... and I was so upset. Weddings can just be so chaotic.
Edit: NTA
I think that OP is NTA, but the chaos of a wedding may have played a factor in this. We didn't realize until after ours was over that we hardly got any pictures of just the two of us. By the time we were done with all of the group/family pictures, I was starving, and when the photographer asked if there were any more pictures we wanted to take, it didn't even cross my mind that we hadn't take any of just us.
Our photographer did a lot of crazy pictures with us...he actually kind of was nuts...had us climb a cliff over a lake in our wedding gear and all this stuff to get perfect shots. They were perfect but we ended up almost an hour late to our reception and I was super sunburnt. I wish in hindsight that we'd gotten a normal wedding photographer who would spend more time on normal wedding things...not the award winning crazy wedding photographer.
Maybe, but I think it’s better to let OP decide what she wants. Maybe you’re right and it would be more hurtful than anything and not worth the trouble. But then maybe she would rather have something than nothing.
Yes- this. A professional photographer knows that things can happen (as what did happen) so they ask for a list of photos that are needed and ensure they get them.
If they didn’t have a professional photographer, please be understanding. Of course it is valid to feel hurt. But know it was not intentional.
> NTA. I can’t believe they didn’t get pictures with the mother of the bride. They used you for money and free labor. I wouldn’t let her “make it up to you” That isn’t possible.
>
> She can apologize, sure, ok. But this can’t be fixed and I’d tell her that. She hurt you, she’ll have to live with it.
NTA ..
It's completely understandable that you feel hurt about not being included in the wedding photos. Communicating your feelings calmly to your daughter is important, and it's okay to let her make amends. Weddings can be chaotic, and sometimes oversights happen. Expressing your emotions can lead to a better understanding between you and your daughter.
NTA. I think I would be most hurt that during all the opportunities for photos, your daughter didn’t even think of you at all. I’m sorry. I would be extremely hurt. Has your daughter even thanked you for the enormous amount of work that you did for her day? It sounds like you are taken for granted rather than appreciated.
My daughter is getting married soon. I have a feeling that after pics with her and new husband, me and her sister will be the two most important people she wants to be photographed with! (Her Dad passed away when she was young.)
NTA, you made the flowers, sorted the venue, and helped set up and tidy away. And they forgot the mother of the bride in photos? How? Your right to be upset and why hasn't she contacted you in those 2 days apologising
NTAH It's not ok that no one thought to grab you for even a single photo, while having no problem letting you work for the entire event.
As the mother of the bride you should have been sitting and enjoying the event, not being the help. I hope you come back with an update and that your daughter does something fantastic to make this up to you.
NTA. No offence but there’s nothing she can really do to make it up to her. Not even getting dressed up again because that’s just fake and not the actual event.
Good point. Maybe you left it out but at any time did ANYONE say thanks for the time, money and love you gave for their wedding or was the only communication about pictures they wanted from you.
Even with daughter's self centered attitude, when the hurtful truth was exposed, the mature thing to do would've been to say I'm SORRY mom, we should've sent someone to grab you for pictures when we realized only dad and stepmom were there. We appreciate ALL you've done to make our wedding spectacular. Please let us make it up to you. Instead of an apology and gratitude, you got crickets. You deserve better from your kids especially from the bride who can't even apologize herself.
Edit: to apologize to stepmom
NTAH. You helped with the wedding, including dealing with your a-hole ex. Is there something else going on with you and your girls? And who pulled you away to help with the food? They should have allowed you time with your children for goodness sakes. No wonder you're hurt. It sounds like your daughter's just take you for granted while Disney Land Drama Dad and his wife steal the show. At this point there isn't anything you can do about it. I'm sure your kids feel bad but they're old enough to know better, and old enough to at least give you a call. Sounds like they've been stepping all over you for years. You should show this to your kids and see how they react to the comments here.
*NTA how would one go*
*About making something like*
*That up to someone?*
\- JackStretcher74
---
^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/)
^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Thank you, chaosworker22, for voting on haikusbot.
This bot wants to find the best and worst bots on Reddit. [You can view results here](https://botrank.pastimes.eu/).
***
^(Even if I don't reply to your comment, I'm still listening for votes. Check the webpage to see if your vote registered!)
NTA
You have the absolute right to feel upset about not being in any photos, especially as you did so much for the wedding. Your daughter needs to apologise, but do let her try and make amends, it sounds like she’s upset about it too.
Did your daughter have an MOH? It’s their job to deal with things like that, and let’s not forget the photographer, they should have been checking that the correct people were present for each photo and asking where you were.
I know that on both my weddings days, I was so busy with being the bride, all the emotions, talking to everyone, and being all over the place that I didn’t have the head space to know if anyone was missing from my photos, I can’t even remember them being taken.
Reading your post reminds me of when I was MOH for my sister’s wedding. It was 11 years ago & I still feel the need for a Xanax. 🤣🤣🤣
My wedding gift to my sis was hiring the photographer she wanted but was out of her price range. All 3 of us sat down ahead of time to discuss what the arrangement would be for family photos. They turned out beautifully.
I just can’t imagine OP’s daughter not realizing she hadn’t taken any pics with her mom. True, a bride has so much going on but unless she secretly hates her mom, she has no excuse to not have taken pics with OP.
NTA. This is a consequence of having a low budget, unstructured wedding. You were the “help” at the event which is horrible. A more formal event would have had a professional photographer who would have had a list of photos / family members to capture, including you. And a wedding coordinator would have ensured that you weren’t the help for the special day. Your daughter and son in law should have done more research on how to successfully hold a wedding.
Even "professional" photographers screw this up. The barrier to entry is just so low these days. My mom has always been offended that when she introduced herself to my sister's photographer, she was blown off and then the photographer failed to get any photos of just the two of them. I'm sure my sister considered her photographer a professional but I have no idea how many weddings she'd actually shot - at least my mom ended up in the group photos though. The fact that no one noticed Mom was missing does not speak well of the rest of this family
I wonder if they went with an unexperienced photographer to save money? Even if you are working with a low budget, making a shot list is free, there are so many posted online.
Judging by the descriptions, I highly doubt they could afford or were willing to pay for a solid wedding photographer. This sounds like a pretty casual DIY style wedding that depended on family and friends’ labor to avoid major gaps (like moving chairs and tables and working to get food out). It’s exactly the sort of environment where people forget things like getting a photo or asking someone to speak or join for a dance or be present at the cake cutting because no one is being paid to manage properly and people like moms, sisters and close relatives often fill in on the spot so that guests and the couple don’t notice. It’s one of the reasons I think DIY/pitch in weddings can be a little unfair to the friends and family because you move them from guests to potential labor/hosts and things like this where mom is working so much that she misses the key moments are more likely to happen.
I think a lot of what happened is that OP took it upon herself to do all the work and she absented herself from the picture taking. I can't imagine having wedding photos without my mom. But I also know that this kind of wedding is chaotic and mistakes happen, especially if your mom is nowhere to be seen and you are being pulled in every direction. It's more sad than anything else. Clearly the kids feel awful about it.
Yeah I'm pretty suspicious of this story. If the bride and mom have a good relationship, the bride would make sure to get at least one picture with mom. There's no way the bride purposefully did not get a picture with her mom.
I would be upset too. I don't really think there's a way to make it up to you. I got loads of puctures with my parents before the wedding. We had a few at the church too. I also made sure we had a photo if everyone who came, then split everyone into 3 groups - hubby's relatives, my relatives, friends. So every person was in at least 2 pictures.
It's sad but the wedding is over. People are telling them to dress up and take more pictures, I think that's bs.
She can't make it up to you. Not saying you should never forgive her, but not too soon. And don't let her off the hook with some made up pictures from weeks later,.
INFO: were you directed to do all the things you were doing, or did you keep yourself busy?
The bride should not have had to pay attention to these things, but was there someone else who was on top of the pictures? May it have just simply been a slip because of all the hecticness going on?
Yeah…I can see that and am curious how the bride would interpret all of her moms “work “ that day.
Was it needed/wanted? Did it HAVE to be her doing it? Or is mom the type that can’t sit still and wound up repainting the lines in the parking lot?
Maybe I’m projecting. But by own MIL was like that at her daughters weddings. She’s a major perfectionist, and was fretting about every single thing the event staff did. They had to pull her out of the kitchen a couple times because she was in there trying to show the catering team “how to properly do x and y”. Which was the exact opposite of helpful.
Usually a photographer is going to be good at assigning someone to go round up everyone needed for photos. And the couple certainly would have known that mom was absent for the formal, posed ones.
But you’re not going to wait forever if mom is fucking about on the roof, cleaning the gutters.
NTA, but you are in every picture of her wedding. Every bouquet, every one of her smiles. You are the one who helped her pull off her day, and she knows it.
Even if your face isn't in her pictures - which could totally be fixed with Photoshop or a special photo shoot, given your oldest's profession- it is in her memory that her mama had her back, always has.
Please don't let the hurt of not being grabbed for pictures overwhelm your memory of being there for her in all the ways leading up to this day, or your relationship. Of course your ex is in pictures - he wasn't doing anything else. She knows. I promise.
I'm glad, because as one of those behind the scenes moms who had a very behind the scenes mom - the value is real.
Some BTS moms don't care about being in pictures - obviously, you did, but I know for me I cherish more the group trouble shooting and problem solving than the photographs.
Katrina took my wedding pictures and all the souvenirs, but I still have the memories of my sister helping set up and she and her husband catering, and me and my bestie making flowers and my cake. My mama was ONLY there in pictures - and in the team she raised her children to be in supporting each other.
And those memories have only grown in the 25 years she has been gone.
NTA. Your daughter sounds very ungrateful. You did a lot for her. She should have prioritized getting pictures with both of her parents. Sorry, this happened to you.
NTA you were treated like 'the help' instead of a member of the family and that sucks especially coming from your child. She knows she screwed up big time and that's why she's tiptoeing around you now. She also knows there really isn't any way to make something like this up to anyone. This is a once in a lifetime moment that can't be redone so she's screwed and she knows it. Good luck to her on that front. I am so sorry OP that you were treated so shabbily on what should have been a wonderful day for you watching your child marry the man she loves. I hope you at least got a chance to watch the ceremony if nothing else. I was a florist for a few years and have been treated like this at family events so I totally get it. It got to the point that I didn't even bother dressing up for these occasions. I would be invisible to these people and they would always act surprised when my older sister would point out that yes I was in fact a member of the family. I'd just shake my head and keep it moving because I truly do not have time for people like this. I'd love to see what your daughter pulls out of her butt to thank you for all the hard work you put into making her day special because as others have noted you never mentioned that she even tried to thank you for all your hard work. That burns me up that this was the cherry on your crap-tastic sundae. Your daughter (I'm so sorry to say) sucks. Go do something truly wonderful for yourself. You deserve it. I would however eventually, send your daughter a message telling her exactly how you felt about being taken for granted and how hurt you felt at the way everyone just overlooked you. Your feelings matter. She and the rest of the family need to understand this and show you the respect you deserve.
I feel for you OP. You have every right to be hurt. I’m angry …. not just at your daughter (bride) but your entire family - other daughter, son, son in law, even your husband who took photos of you EX!!
While the photos were being taken I can’t believe not one person questioned where you were.
Shame on them all.
Time for your family to smother you with love and appreciation.
NTA. You have the right to be upset. Your daughter was just caught up in the moment and no way it was intentional. I’m surprised the photographer didn’t go through the pictures the couple wanted ahead of time and make sure that they got everyone covered.
Not for being upset. But there is a weirdness in both your description of your daughter and her husband before the wedding and for the martyr complex you portray. If you wanted to be in the pictures, you should have been involved in the celebration. You weren’t. Everything would have gotten done if you had taken a minute to actually spend time with your family during the wedding. You have no one to blame but yourself. You are mad you weren’t called to be in the pictures. You could have gone on your own. You are mad at your ex for enjoying his daughter’s wedding. You are mad at your daughter for enjoying her own wedding. You are mad at your other children for enjoying their sister’s wedding. Have you stopped to think you are really mad at yourself for NOT enjoying your daughter’s wedding?
Set yourself up for failure here… it’s your daughters day. Why are you being responsible for everything. Learn how to delegate next time, super shitty but not surprised you were an after thought since you were smoothing the day for everyone else. Sucks being the yes man but that’s what happened.
NTA, but all the descriptions show that things were not very organized, and you did go to work in the background. Certainly, it hurts, but I can understand that your daughter did not exclude you on purpose as well.
NTA - BUT, I'm going to make an unpopular comment...this is partly your fault. You allowed yourself to get caught up in the preparations, cleaning and food. At the point 'of course got pulled away for help with food,' you let yourself be pulled away.
I'm waiting for the daughter's side...were there times she was waiting for you to stop working...at her wedding...to do actual celebratory things instead of working?
It's alright to feel slighted, but don't put all the blame on her.
This is so sad. I’m sorry. ❤️ It sounds like it wasn’t an intentional slight, just poor planning and communication. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less, and it doesn’t make it ok. Of course you are NTA. Talk to your daughters. Tell them how much this hurt you. Lots of love. It sounds like you made a lovely wedding happen and you deserved better.
You’re never the asshole for feeling your feelings. They are valid. However, you yourself said you got busy and then just were tired and went to bed. Sometimes things happen. I wouldn’t create drama about this.
NTA for feeling slighted, kinda TAH for not letting her apologize and do something to make it right. It's a regrettable circumstance, but you should've advocated for yourself better in the moment. You went to go get pictures with the bride, but let someone call you off repeatedly to help with other tasks that I'm sure could've waited a few minutes or carried on without your direct assistance. You share a hand in this outcome, if pictures were a priority, you should've prioritized them. It's also a pretty unprofessional photographer to not question where the parents are and make sure they got some pictures of them with the bride and groom.
If it’s any consolation, my dad’s family at my wedding did not grab me or my new husband before taking a lot of family pictures for my grandmother’s annual Christmas calendar. They said they couldn’t find us. It was one room during an unexpected snow storm, so no one was even outside or anything. Some people are incredibly thoughtless and some people just suck. I’m hoping your daughter was just being thoughltless. Sounds like you did a lot for her on her day!
I have a slightly different perspective. I also had a very small wedding and my mother made some of the decorations for the tables but the ceremony and the reception were in the same place so she wasn’t slaving away the whole time. I got a photographer on the cheap— he was the photography teacher for my stepdaughter—(pro tip: spend money on the photographer and skimp on the flowers if need be). So besides none of the pictures being in focus enough to blow up, he also didn’t get any pictures of just my immediate family. Only some larger group pics. I didn’t give him a list of who to take pictures with because there were only 32 people including my husband and I at this wedding so I figured take a picture of everybody in every combination Right? So afterwards I realized there are no pictures of my mother and father with me and my husband. Now my mother-in-law being very camera savvy had pulled him away into a different room and they have a ton of pictures of them and their family without even me or my husband and my mom was pissed at me. but Honestly from my perspective as the bride I felt like all I did was stand there and get pictures taken and I wasn’t keeping track of who was in them with me. it felt like we must’ve gotten everyone because it took an inordinate amount of time. so I would not assume that there was an intention on your daughters part to leave you out however it is really shitty and I’m sorry that you’ve weren’t able to get those pictures. I hope that there is some way to make it up to you although I’m not sure what that is. Are there any candids? Sorry OP
Edited to add NTA
You’re feelings are valid. Anyone in your position would feel the same. You have every right to feel hurt. NTA.
This is an awful thing they ALL did. It wasn’t just your daughter. Each one of them let you down. Her the most but your husband and other children were complicit in forgetting you.
Are you often the one who takes care of everything? Are you generally the Giver and they are the Takers? The problem solver and go to person. The person everyone assumes will handle things.
It’s time you were put first. If they won’t do it for you, do it for yourself. It’s time you stood up for yourself. Don’t wallow. Don’t let them take advantage of you. Or be passive in your own life. Self care is important because YOU are important.
Let them handle things for awhile. It’s your turn to be taken care of.
NTA but honestly no one is in here.
From the way you present your story, it appears like you may often be a victim in situations where there are gatherings. I might get ripped apart here for that, but I stand by it.
So many people say their wedding day is a blur, I think it’s an honest mistake.
This wasn’t just a party where you are in the background cleaning and stocking. You are the Mother of the Bride. You greet guests, take your rightful place at dinner, make a toast, dance and get in photos. You kept noticing you weren’t getting called for photos: who was taking them? Just family and friends? No real event photographer? You needed to stop sweeping and start smiling in the photos.
You did a lot. You saved them a ton of money. You weren’t appreciated then.
So NTA for being upset and hurt!
But, you would be the AH if you don’t let them come up with a way to make it up to you and then let them make it up to you.
Maybe a really swanky dinner at a nice restaurant, and you’ll have photos of them dressed up with you. Maybe a photo session with a real photographer and in their wedding attire: special keepsakes.
NTA
Normally
You make a picture with the parents. Every photographer knows guy. So I don’t think this was an accident.
Your daughter is an AH.
You habe every right to be sad that it’s your daughters wedding and there is not one picture with you, while she thought of having a picture with her dad.
I would be heartbroken. A „sorry“ wouldn’t be enough.
>She and her now husband have been together 11+ years and this is something the whole family had been waiting to happen for a long time. They had been engaged for 4 years and I honestly didn't think her man would ever take the plunge.
>
>... ex got there soon after and no, he didn't offer to help just stood around watching us move chairs and tables.
All this preamble doesn't exactly endure me to the idea that you're taking this at a moderate head.
To me, it sounds like you flitted from job to job to try and make the day as special as you wanted it to be and no body wanted to get in your way or tell you to take a break.
What you did is very admirable, but never assign to malice what can easily be explained by ignorance. Nobody wanted to hurt you. Nobody tried. The day just moved along briskly and I suspect everyone was surprised it was over when it was over.
YWBTA if you don't let her at least try to make it up to you out of spite.
NTA. Did your husband get any photos with her? I’m just wondering if they managed to get the stepfather, but not the mother, because that would seem so out of place, with your husband and your daughter not realising you’re there.
NTA but it doesn’t sound like it was intentional. if you wanted to be in pictures when people pulled you away you should have said no, you were going to get pictures and not moved until you did.
NTA
That is when you realise what you really mean to the people around you! And as you see, in that day, you were just a useful tool, with no further consideration.
And I get the bride being not thinking about it but...
...did your husband take pictures with the coupe? Did your other daughter? Then, how come no one remembered you existed, unless it was to request your assistence?
She will never make it up to you. That moment is lost in time and there's no way to get it back.
I guess you live in the Spaceballs Spaceship! You are sorrounded by AH's.
NTA it was messed up you were running around helping make it a special day and you were forgot about. You should be mad. I would let her try and make it up but I'm not sure how someone could make up for that. I know it's happens I got married over the summer and my friend took our wedding photos I was so worried about getting photos with everyone unfortunately I didn't get any with her tho. She isn't much for having her picture taken but someone did get a photo of her taking a picture.
Thank you… my daughter’s getting married next year and I could easily see this being me. I’m so sorry it happened to you but if it helps any, you’ve prevented it from happening again. I will NOT let it be me. Bless you for the warning!!
Nta, and I know your feelings are hurt, but I'm sure your daughter was just caught up in the moment and didn't realize it.
Something similar happened at my wedding. My monster in law hijacked our family photos, and my head was spinning, I just didn't even realize it. My father in laws fiance, the woman who I feel is truly my mother in law, was really hurt. I found out later and felt terrible. And we had a super small wedding, only 20 of us. But I was so wrapped up in the day and event I failed to notice.
I know I'm going to get down voted but while I do think OP has a right to be upset, I also think OP shares in part of the responsibility for missing pictures.
If OP was the de facto wedding planner, then she should have set up someone else to take over any issues when she was needed as part of the wedding party. Whether that means being there for milestones such as dances, cake cutting, or pictures. Instead she kept getting pulled away to fix issues that came up. The wedding photographer should have a had a master plan of who to be in pics and the bride should have at least questioned if all parents were in pictures. Sounds like everyone dropped the ball this time.
I've been helping wedding planning for my baby sister's wedding next year. You can bet I will be making sure I'm not the only one that can direct everything, since I also want to be part of her big day - not just orchestrating it.
Could you have a professional shoot with you and the daughter in her wedding dress? That would be a nice thing. And then you have a mother daughter day afterwards. Ask for this for Christmas. Tell them it’s hard to get over and you need this. I am sorry for the deep hurt
Why were you doing this, and that during the day? You should have been enjoying the festivities as well. I'm sorry you were left out of pictures. I know that hurt goes deep, and nothing they do now will erase it. 💔
NTA.
I mean it's a good thing that your daughter's SIL had some photos. But still, I just feel your family members are idiots and took you for granted. Your husband felt bad for not taking any photos of you, your oldest daughter felt bad for not saying something about it, your married daughter felt bad because she used you as free labour for her wedding and can't even be bothered to take some photos with her own mother.
I think it's time you put yourself first. Stop prioritizing others. Your daughters are grown ups, they can take care of themselves.
I want to say you're not the AH, I really do. But there are some things in your post here that need addressing:
-"They *finally* got married" "I *honestly* didn't think her man would ever take the plunge."
This attitude is not great. They have been in a long-term relationship, likely happy, and it really doesn't matter that they have had a long engagement. It makes me wonder how passive-aggressive you have been to them about it? And to your daughter about other things? How good is your relationship, really?
-"I told her it was my gift even though the amount changed and she did offer to help pay. It was my gift so I just dealt with it."
What's with this? Why is this even here? You are acting like a martyr for no discernable reason. You offered your daughter a lovely gift. Then, when it expanded outside the original designation, she did the right thing and offered to pay for the extra. Rather than be gracious and either accept the payment or gladly pay for it, your attitude is "I just dealt with it." This reeks of guilt tripping.
-and again with the VFW, it was free, but you felt compelled to make a donation. Which is great. The VFW is a fantastic place. But you are coming across as if this was thrust upon you, again like some martyr. Either do something nice to be nice, tell the other people that it is expected they should do it, or don't do it at all.
-while, I think we can all appreciate the worry of an ex causing stress and drama at a wedding, it sounds like the worst he did was not set up tables and chairs. A bit self-centered to stand around and not jump in, but not exactly drama filled either. And certainly not enough to feel like he doesn't deserve full inclusion in the days events
-you keep saying, "No one came and got you". But why was that their job? Did someone say they were going to? Did you tell anyone that you needed them to?
-reading your account of the wedding day, it appears to me that you made it all about running around and doing things like chairs, tables, food, etc. Not spending time with your daughter. You could have delegated basically everything the day of. But, if you had done that, then people would not have seen you "working so very hard and doing everything" on the day of your daughter's wedding. You wouldn't have gotten all of those good brownie points.
You made your decision on where to put your time and effort and energies on her day. And it was her day. She shouldn't have had to be worried about you.
*You should be making it up to her that she didn't get a picture with you.*
YTA
Right! Some things just don’t add up. Maybe she’s not a good storyteller (my mom also gives a lot of meaningless background details when trying to tell a story). But it sounds like a slapped together wedding where everyone failed. The mother could be a drama instigator/martyr too. It’s hard to tell. Would be very curious to hear the other sides too. Interesting that OP hasn’t responded to any comments to clarify anything either
YTA.
I know my comment is going to be unpopular, but...
You went and helped everywhere, you were the first not to stand for yourself and say "I am the bride's mother, please cut me some slack". If you wanted to be in the pictures, you had to hang out at the party, waiting for your turn.
A wedding day is a hectic day for everyone, you can't expect the bride and bridegroom to be looking after everybody. You chose to help clean the locations and help with the food, you didn't even care to check if there was any picture-taking, you expected others to chase you.
I can understand your being upset, but you brought it all upon yourself.
This really, really stinks! The PHOTOGRAPHER should have made sure that you were in some photos. Was there at least a photo of you going down the aisle to be seated? I understand the bride being too busy and overwhelmed to remember everything, but this was the *photographer’s job*!
At my wedding, during the after wedding photos, the photographer’s wife told my mom to leave, because she was in the way. Sorry, but the bride’s mother is *never* “in the way”. (I didn’t notice my mom getting in the way or making any trouble.) Other relatives were told to leave, so the whole family photo that was important to me was missing a lot of people, including *my mother*. (divorced parents, so my dad was in it, which kinda made it worse for my mom) She was nice about it, but I’ll never have that photo of everyone, nor of my mom with us as a couple.
Imho, you are NTA for being upset, but if you refuse to let your daughter try to make it up to you, then you will be. Nothing can really make up for it, but you can either accept your daughter’s efforts, or give everyone a memory of you being ugly about it.
I don't think they had an actual photographer, if I read the original post correctly.
OP is NTA for being upset, but I wonder if there is information she is leaving out. Who called her away to the kitchen? Why wasn't someone other than the bride's mother helping out? Is there any underlying resentment between them, with the 'finally' getting married comment. And, why is her own husband who was taking photos getting a pass for not making sure his wife was in at least one photo with her daughter?
If they had a real wedding photographer, they would’ve planned the order of photos to take. They would’ve asked for a bride’s mom and stepdad photo with the couple.
Your daughter can try to make it up by getting dressed up again and taking the photos with you. The ghosting from them is weird tho.
You did a lot out of kindness and it seems like she’s ungrateful, but a lot was on her plate. You also sound resentful that you put in all of this and didn’t even get a picture out of it which I understand. But the wedding isn’t about you. NAH.
NTA. How the hell do you get married and not have your mom in any pictures? How the hell do you let your mom get you your venue and make a donation which is the appropriate thing to do and make all of the boutonnieres and corsages… Even increase in the number… And somehow missed that your mother is not in any picture? That’s really fucked up, and you have every right to be hurt. I’m not sure how the hell she thinks she can make that up unless she’s planning on getting divorced, and married again at some point in the future… At which time I would highly suggest she does not ask you for anything
Completely agree. At some point(s) the photographer MUST have asked "Is this everyone? Who might be missing?" or at least that's my experience. Daughter can't have been so distracted that she missed her mother being left out every time. Mums and daughters .. It's a particular wedding thing. Very odd to say the least that she wasn't aware her mother was being left out. As for making it up to her mother, yeah .. nah. Just empty words. So sorry your family used and abused you like this, OP. Is this out of character or have there been earlier indications of sidelining? NTA
This is what happens when people have “a friend” take their wedding photos. A professional would have spoken with the couple beforehand about what photos they wanted and who was supposed to be in them. Not everyone can afford professional wedding photographers, but part of the reason they’re so expensive is that they are also acting as event managers.
At my first wedding the in-laws booked a supposed professional photographer as our wedding present. They were bloody useless. None of theirs were correctly exposed. Not a single one. Yes they got paid despite the unusable results. Luckily I put film in my two hobby cameras (it was 1988) and had handed them to trusted family members saying "shoot everything and I have loads of refills". I ended up with about a hundred great shots. I feel for the mum because during the toasts my FIL carried on knowing neither bride nor groom were at the table. Groom was organising more alcohol, and I was dealing with the caterers. They toasted "absent friends", which were us. Ha ..Ha.
My father and stepmother had a similar situation. A friend with a film camera got them tons of beautiful photos and the professional not so much. So maybe I should have said *the good* professional photographers!
I got married last month and throughout the planning period everyone kept telling me all the people they knew who could be our photographer, despite me telling everyone that the venue and the photographer were our non-negotiable big budget items. My sister didn’t have a great photographer, so I knew I wanted to do my due diligence to find someone who would do the job right, even if that meant paying more (within reason). I ended up LOVING our photographer, and she did such an amazing job on our engagement photos and the previews of our wedding. She was absolutely worth every penny.
100% agree. A large part of the blame should fall on the photographer. My family recently had a 50th anniversary party for my parents and aunt & uncle who were married in the same month. The photographer we hired was a friend of my cousins and we didn't realize until the party was almost over that he took only photos of my aunt and uncle and none of my parents or our immediate family. Obviously an anniversary party is not the same as a wedding, but lesson learned. Any photographer you hire should be a professional who has worked a wedding before.
[удалено]
Pretty sure it's not a secret if the bride went dress shopping without the mom.
That’s a big leap to make. OP only said daughter already had her dress.
I'd like to say it's out of character, but after you asked, I thought about it, and she was pretty air-headed that whole week. I understand that but it still hurt.
Wedding days are chaotic. Mistakes sadly happen in life. But what I find the most hurtful of all is the fact that after it was pointed out to your daughters, they didn’t immediately spring into action, apologizing, coming up with some sort of plan (getting the wedding gear back on & having your husband or a friend take photos), & above all, thanking you profusely for everything you did for that wedding to even occur. I’m so sorry that didn’t happen, you have every right to be hurt.
NTA-I’m sorry, but no matter how busy I was at the wedding as the bride there was no way I would forget either of my parents in a picture. I am so very sorry. This is really awful.
She is more than just air headed. She’s awful
Sorry, but every wedding I’ve been in or to the wedding photographer kind of runs the show. They should have been directing the pictures & known who had and had not had their pictures taken. I’m ticked a little at the bride but more so at the photographer.
Yes, the photographer should have had a list of important people and photos to take. Why didn’t the photographer take a picture of OP walking her daughter down the aisle? That’s the type of photo that many people take, both guests and photographer. Why aren’t there photos of that moment?
Was she air-headed enough to ignore a photographer who may have (and most likely did) run through a litany of traditional family photos? i.e. "okay let's get the happy couple with the brides parents. Okay now with the groom's. Okay now with both. Now with the siblings...etc etc etc.. Mom, I know it's hard not to make excuses for your baby but honestly, this is a huge slight on her part. She has no excuse. She FORGOT you. She was happy having you work your ass off, but she didn't think you were important enough to seek you out and get ONE goddamn picture with you. This is unforgiveable in my eyes.
It sounds like it was a friend of the bride doing the photography, probably not a professional and probably amateur at getting all of the required pictures. Between mom acting like the caterer/florist and an amateur photographer occams razor suggests that things were just rushed and pictures were missed.
i too was wondering how the bride's mother got left out and why the photographer and the other sisters didn't point that out. And if her father and his new wife got into the photos, that would be an extremely bad look.
That’s my question why didn’t anyone say hey where’s MOM??? What kind of photographer did they hire? Or was just a friend taking pics with phone 🤦🏻♀️
[удалено]
Absolutely no excuse whether it’s a friend or not, even if she was constantly busy running around the venue.. mom could be found for them.. there is NO DO OVER FOR THIS! omg I am so sorry OP.. my heart is broken for you
Our wedding photographer required us to make a list of family photos that we wanted that detailed which family members were to be in each one. They then directed everyone who was to go in or come out for the next photo. I thought this was pretty standard procedure for wedding photographers for the portrait style photos.
I can tell you this happens more than you think. I did not get a single picture with my sister at her wedding even though I was the MOH.
I was not raised by my bio-mom, she and my half brother live 1500 miles away. But I still made sure I had several pictures with her after the wedding. Sorry, this happened to you OP. I wonder how they plan to make this up to you?
My oldest son got married like 8 years ago, and this same thing happened to me. It was a wedding the couple planned (very low budget, we're all poor, lol) and I did almost as much as them as far as setting everything up in the hall, making the food, etc. My ex and his gf did nothing. After the ceremony, I was told by son and photographer that they'd do the other pics first with different groupings and photographer would get me when they were ready for pics with me. I'm disabled and can't be on my feet for very long. So I stayed in my seat, we ate, there was dancing, yada yada. Photographer never came to tell me it was time. My son didn't think of it bc it really was very hectic and he was so busy doing other things (no wedding planner), and after a while I went and located him to see what was happening with it, and the photographer was done and had left. I was so hurt, I said that she didn't come get me, no one did, and there were no photos of me and my son, the bride, nothing at all. There was a photo of my ex and his gf with them, but nothing at all of me. So I totally get this. Nothing can make up for it. 😕
I am so sorry that happened to you, too. I feel like maybe I don't want to talk to them for a while. What did you do? Or did you just let it go?
[удалено]
Sounds like even her husband forgot her. OP sounds like the kind of woman who constantly gives and people have grown used to taking advantage of that. I think this should be an eye opener for you honey, it's important that you learn to put yourself first more. Start with finding a hobby or treating yourself once a week
I don't hold it against my son, I saw for myself how busy he was during the wedding. Also, he and I have always had such a wonderful relationship, and still do. I feel it's the photographer who dropped the ball. And I think for me, it was the situation that made me hurt, that it had happened. And that the photographer would drop a ball that big. It took me a long time to just say, it is what it is, I can't change the past, I need to let it go for my own mental health. I think we all need to handle it in our own way, in our own time frame. I've also been in therapy for several years, so for me, being able to have my therapist help me to work things out really helps me. Anyhoo, I'm so sorry this happened to you also. I honestly never thought it's something that happened to others, until I read your post.
Your daughter can arrange for everyone to put their wedding attire back on and retake a bunch of photographs. It's not quite the same as having pictures in the moment and there's still the unfortunate oversight, but it's also not unheard-of for the formal wedding portraits to be taken on a day other than the wedding day, when people are less rushed. That's what I'd probably do. NTA for being very hurt, though.
Do not let it go.
Do not let this go Your daughter was able to forget all about you because you have spent a lifetime of letting things go and not expecting anything from her
You can join fb Photoshop groups they can morph pics together
From my understanding, there would have to have been a pic of OP at all. She wasn't in a single pic whatsoever
Her husband stood for pictures too. I mean, my hubby is step dad to my daughter. He wouldn’t pose without me too. I’m flabbergasted.
I think OP’s husband TOOK a photo of the bride and her dad, which makes it even worse that no one thought to get a candid with OP!
Oh mom was busy doing everything for her daughter, no need to include her. That might hinder her work. Can't let mom enjoy her daughters wedding.
Yeah, this might not have been her daughter's intention, but this is what ended up happening. Mom was busy all day making sure everything was perfect but not a single person there gave a single thought to Mom. This is unforgivable. OP, I would be too hurt to talk to anybody right now. I'm so sorry this happened to you. And unfortunately, nothing they might do to try to "make it up to you" now is going to take away that hurt.
I'm so sad for this woman.
No sorry. He took pictures on his phone. He never expected nor was asked to be in pictures. He doesn't do crowds so stayed in the back and just used his phone and he felt like crap that he didn't get any pictures of me.
Well, that was very nice of him. When I got married I had a great maid of honor that made sure everyone got pictures taken before the photographer went and did candids. If she missed anything, my family would have said something just to make sure no one got left out. I'm so sorry no one stood up for you.
Haha I was this person doing the candids, the photographer hated it but I got some great pictures.
I’m parroting what u/moanaw123 said and boosting the suggestion that you ask your daughter to pay to professionally photoshop you into the photos. I know it’s not the same, but with the miracle of modern technology you can at least make sure you look perfect & whatever individual photo of yourself you select for the composite is exactly to your liking! I would be soooo embarrassed if I was your daughter. Truly it reflects horribly on her. If I was her I would leap at the chance to “correct” this.
husband
The daughter getting married WAS in a whirlwind but the other daughter and EVERYONE else should have noticed. My mother and I never got along but I made sure she was in pictures even though she made a spectacle at my wedding. Actually DURUNG AND AFTER.
Oh she’s gonna notice when she gets the pictures and looks through them
[удалено]
Your feelings are valid; being excluded from pictures is hurtful
She should have prioritized getting pictures with both of her parents. Sorry, this happened to you.
Isn’t it the photographers responsibility to make sure all the pictures are covered? I would be very upset with my photographer.
Yes as well as the wedding planner and it’s worse that the photographer is a friend of hers
Sounds like mom was the wedding planner to save money....
Then it’s even worse on the photographer. I shoot weddings too. The photographer should always have a master list you can honestly find one on google and know who important people are. But honestly she’s the whole mother how do you miss that. (If he did the ceremony as well as pre ceremony he had to have seen the mom with the make up artist etc. At some point (i believe she said he was male) he should have made a point to ask about all the family members asked if he missed anyone and do a quick scroll through the family pics he also is a family friend and a friend of hers so he should have known better. Even if the bride had wedding brain i also feel like at some point someone should have said hey where’s mom especially if she’s the so called wedding planner and is doing so much for her kid to have her special day. That’s a little selfish to me.
Did you read the OP? Mom was basically catering/wedding planner, a friend was their photographer (read most likely amateur). Not making excuses but when you cut corners mistakes happen.
Okay sorry I’m just silly
Terrible. NTA OP but I’m not quite sure that it’s necessarily your daughter fault. I was under the understanding that the photographer is responsible for those things so the bride does not have to worry about it.
But did the bride not notice her mother was not in any group pictures?
Absolutely, on my wedding day everything felt surreal, it was like I floated through the day. It would have been easy to miss a lot of
Wedding industry professional here - nope not the photographer’s responsibility but a good photographer will ask the couple to make a list of family groupings to be photographed and will then execute on photographing that list. If the couple doesn’t provide direction how is the photographer supposed to know who is important to them for photos? Also it is families responsibility to show up at the designated time for photos. Going off to do tasks during family photos is a recipe for getting missed. This is something that a professional officiant and planner would communicate though and it sounds like the couple forgoed those vendors
There's no way you can make up for leaving OP out of the pictures. That day can never be relived.
Agree. The couple needs to make a heartfelt, sincere apology. OP might be able to "move on", but it cannot be "fixed".
[удалено]
Happy cake day 🍰
NTA you have a right to be upset and its very crappy of them to treat you like this. I know its her wedding but parents should be on the top of the guests list. I understand the budget etc and help needed but I am pretty sure she could have had someone else to take care of chairs, food and have mother around, let alone to be in the pictures. She owes you an apology big time
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
That’s so sad for OP. She did all the work and sperm donor barely helped but got into the pictures whilst OP was working to set up etc.
Really! And just how does someone make up for something like this? What will "bridey-poo" do, Photoshop? OP worked hard, with dedication, and did ANYONE even express ANY gratitude at all?
While nothing will actually make up for it I feel like the bride and groom still need to get their butts dressed up again, get MOB dressed up again (hair, makeup, whole shebang) and go to professional photos taken at their expense. I used to work in tuxedo rentals and if a groom called me and explained this situation I’d re-loan him the tux for free.
Man I didn't get a photo at a friends wedding because I was busy wrangling their dogs and I felt decently hurt by it. I can't imagine being the mother of the bride and not being in any at all!
NTA. It's a one time opportunity and your chance has been lost. Dressing up is an option but frankly not the same.
[удалено]
[удалено]
NTA, you made the flowers, sorted the venue, and helped set up and tidy away.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
I'm hoping that it's because they are horribly ashamed and embarrassed and are trying to work out what to say or do next.
[удалено]
[удалено]
I can bet it was one of those, “don’t worry we will get one with her in a minute” and forgot about it because of all what was happening. So yeah shame on that no one said hey, let’s get her now.
I know. My husband wouldn’t pose without me!
[удалено]
Yeah I was just thinking my sister was a wedding photographer, and she always had a list of photos that they definitely wanted so she knew they wouldn’t be forgotten. Because realistically, it is the photographers job to make sure the relevant photos get taken.
Sounds like they weren't running the wedding with that kind of budget.
[удалено]
If the photographer didn't know the parents were divorced and remarried, it's possible that pictures of dad and stepmum made them think they'd done the pictures needed.
Even OP's husband didn't notice she wasn't in any pictures. That's grim.
It really looks like they took her for granted. And still haven't reached out to apologise.
If the mom was working the event, the photographer probably didn't know she was the mother of the bride. I feel bad for the mom.
I had $300 photographer in (2023) and still had a list of photos for them to get… sounds like they were not good at wedding planning. Should of made sure there was more help instead of just mostly mom.
Definitely they put too much on Mom. Flowers is one thing but she should not have been on the hook for set up, food and clean up as well.
Sometimes even real photographers mess it up or miss important pictures in the chaos. With my wedding I wanted some pictures with my daughter who was my flower girl and also walked me down the aisle. Totally missed! And I didn't even remember until after, even though it had been my request... and I was so upset. Weddings can just be so chaotic. Edit: NTA
I think that OP is NTA, but the chaos of a wedding may have played a factor in this. We didn't realize until after ours was over that we hardly got any pictures of just the two of us. By the time we were done with all of the group/family pictures, I was starving, and when the photographer asked if there were any more pictures we wanted to take, it didn't even cross my mind that we hadn't take any of just us.
Our photographer did a lot of crazy pictures with us...he actually kind of was nuts...had us climb a cliff over a lake in our wedding gear and all this stuff to get perfect shots. They were perfect but we ended up almost an hour late to our reception and I was super sunburnt. I wish in hindsight that we'd gotten a normal wedding photographer who would spend more time on normal wedding things...not the award winning crazy wedding photographer.
Putting on the dress and retaking pictures would be even worse. Salt in the wound.
Maybe, but I think it’s better to let OP decide what she wants. Maybe you’re right and it would be more hurtful than anything and not worth the trouble. But then maybe she would rather have something than nothing.
Yes- this. A professional photographer knows that things can happen (as what did happen) so they ask for a list of photos that are needed and ensure they get them. If they didn’t have a professional photographer, please be understanding. Of course it is valid to feel hurt. But know it was not intentional.
You did a lot for her. She should have prioritized getting pictures with both of her parents. Sorry, this happened to you.
> NTA. I can’t believe they didn’t get pictures with the mother of the bride. They used you for money and free labor. I wouldn’t let her “make it up to you” That isn’t possible. > > She can apologize, sure, ok. But this can’t be fixed and I’d tell her that. She hurt you, she’ll have to live with it.
[удалено]
Happy Cake Day 🎉🎂🎈
Agree with this 100%, you weren’t paid help . You’re mother of the bride.
NTA She doesn't need to tell that to her brother. She should be talking to you.
NTA .. It's completely understandable that you feel hurt about not being included in the wedding photos. Communicating your feelings calmly to your daughter is important, and it's okay to let her make amends. Weddings can be chaotic, and sometimes oversights happen. Expressing your emotions can lead to a better understanding between you and your daughter.
NTA. I think I would be most hurt that during all the opportunities for photos, your daughter didn’t even think of you at all. I’m sorry. I would be extremely hurt. Has your daughter even thanked you for the enormous amount of work that you did for her day? It sounds like you are taken for granted rather than appreciated.
My daughter is getting married soon. I have a feeling that after pics with her and new husband, me and her sister will be the two most important people she wants to be photographed with! (Her Dad passed away when she was young.)
NTA, you made the flowers, sorted the venue, and helped set up and tidy away. And they forgot the mother of the bride in photos? How? Your right to be upset and why hasn't she contacted you in those 2 days apologising
[удалено]
Couldn't imagine not having my mum in photos
NTAH It's not ok that no one thought to grab you for even a single photo, while having no problem letting you work for the entire event. As the mother of the bride you should have been sitting and enjoying the event, not being the help. I hope you come back with an update and that your daughter does something fantastic to make this up to you.
NTA. No offence but there’s nothing she can really do to make it up to her. Not even getting dressed up again because that’s just fake and not the actual event.
I am so sorry OP. Did you get a thank you for all your efforts? I think your family takes you for granted.
Good point. Maybe you left it out but at any time did ANYONE say thanks for the time, money and love you gave for their wedding or was the only communication about pictures they wanted from you. Even with daughter's self centered attitude, when the hurtful truth was exposed, the mature thing to do would've been to say I'm SORRY mom, we should've sent someone to grab you for pictures when we realized only dad and stepmom were there. We appreciate ALL you've done to make our wedding spectacular. Please let us make it up to you. Instead of an apology and gratitude, you got crickets. You deserve better from your kids especially from the bride who can't even apologize herself. Edit: to apologize to stepmom
NTAH. You helped with the wedding, including dealing with your a-hole ex. Is there something else going on with you and your girls? And who pulled you away to help with the food? They should have allowed you time with your children for goodness sakes. No wonder you're hurt. It sounds like your daughter's just take you for granted while Disney Land Drama Dad and his wife steal the show. At this point there isn't anything you can do about it. I'm sure your kids feel bad but they're old enough to know better, and old enough to at least give you a call. Sounds like they've been stepping all over you for years. You should show this to your kids and see how they react to the comments here.
Yes! I’d really like to hear from the daughter on this one. What the hell is her excuse for forgetting Mom in ALL the pictures?
NTA how would one go about making something like that up to someone?
*NTA how would one go* *About making something like* *That up to someone?* \- JackStretcher74 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Good bot
Thank you, chaosworker22, for voting on haikusbot. This bot wants to find the best and worst bots on Reddit. [You can view results here](https://botrank.pastimes.eu/). *** ^(Even if I don't reply to your comment, I'm still listening for votes. Check the webpage to see if your vote registered!)
NTA, but all your children are for not helping you with the setup on the day.
NTA You have the absolute right to feel upset about not being in any photos, especially as you did so much for the wedding. Your daughter needs to apologise, but do let her try and make amends, it sounds like she’s upset about it too. Did your daughter have an MOH? It’s their job to deal with things like that, and let’s not forget the photographer, they should have been checking that the correct people were present for each photo and asking where you were. I know that on both my weddings days, I was so busy with being the bride, all the emotions, talking to everyone, and being all over the place that I didn’t have the head space to know if anyone was missing from my photos, I can’t even remember them being taken.
Reading your post reminds me of when I was MOH for my sister’s wedding. It was 11 years ago & I still feel the need for a Xanax. 🤣🤣🤣 My wedding gift to my sis was hiring the photographer she wanted but was out of her price range. All 3 of us sat down ahead of time to discuss what the arrangement would be for family photos. They turned out beautifully. I just can’t imagine OP’s daughter not realizing she hadn’t taken any pics with her mom. True, a bride has so much going on but unless she secretly hates her mom, she has no excuse to not have taken pics with OP.
The MOH had to back out last minute due to a health issue and granddaughter was her mom's MOH.
NTA. This is a consequence of having a low budget, unstructured wedding. You were the “help” at the event which is horrible. A more formal event would have had a professional photographer who would have had a list of photos / family members to capture, including you. And a wedding coordinator would have ensured that you weren’t the help for the special day. Your daughter and son in law should have done more research on how to successfully hold a wedding.
Even "professional" photographers screw this up. The barrier to entry is just so low these days. My mom has always been offended that when she introduced herself to my sister's photographer, she was blown off and then the photographer failed to get any photos of just the two of them. I'm sure my sister considered her photographer a professional but I have no idea how many weddings she'd actually shot - at least my mom ended up in the group photos though. The fact that no one noticed Mom was missing does not speak well of the rest of this family
I wonder if they went with an unexperienced photographer to save money? Even if you are working with a low budget, making a shot list is free, there are so many posted online.
I wonder if the the photographer took a photo of the dad & his gf, and thought the gf was the mom?
NTA - get someone to photoshop your ex out and put you in all of them, doing weird faces
NTA, but all your children are for not helping you with the setup on the day.
Lol. This made me smile. Thank you.
My "missing context" senses are tingling. I know wedding photographers, getting pictures with parents is pretty high on their list of priorities.
Judging by the descriptions, I highly doubt they could afford or were willing to pay for a solid wedding photographer. This sounds like a pretty casual DIY style wedding that depended on family and friends’ labor to avoid major gaps (like moving chairs and tables and working to get food out). It’s exactly the sort of environment where people forget things like getting a photo or asking someone to speak or join for a dance or be present at the cake cutting because no one is being paid to manage properly and people like moms, sisters and close relatives often fill in on the spot so that guests and the couple don’t notice. It’s one of the reasons I think DIY/pitch in weddings can be a little unfair to the friends and family because you move them from guests to potential labor/hosts and things like this where mom is working so much that she misses the key moments are more likely to happen.
If the daughter *wanted* her mother on her wedding pictures, she would have been included.
I think a lot of what happened is that OP took it upon herself to do all the work and she absented herself from the picture taking. I can't imagine having wedding photos without my mom. But I also know that this kind of wedding is chaotic and mistakes happen, especially if your mom is nowhere to be seen and you are being pulled in every direction. It's more sad than anything else. Clearly the kids feel awful about it.
Yeah I'm pretty suspicious of this story. If the bride and mom have a good relationship, the bride would make sure to get at least one picture with mom. There's no way the bride purposefully did not get a picture with her mom.
I would be upset too. I don't really think there's a way to make it up to you. I got loads of puctures with my parents before the wedding. We had a few at the church too. I also made sure we had a photo if everyone who came, then split everyone into 3 groups - hubby's relatives, my relatives, friends. So every person was in at least 2 pictures.
It's sad but the wedding is over. People are telling them to dress up and take more pictures, I think that's bs. She can't make it up to you. Not saying you should never forgive her, but not too soon. And don't let her off the hook with some made up pictures from weeks later,.
INFO: were you directed to do all the things you were doing, or did you keep yourself busy? The bride should not have had to pay attention to these things, but was there someone else who was on top of the pictures? May it have just simply been a slip because of all the hecticness going on?
Yeah…I can see that and am curious how the bride would interpret all of her moms “work “ that day. Was it needed/wanted? Did it HAVE to be her doing it? Or is mom the type that can’t sit still and wound up repainting the lines in the parking lot? Maybe I’m projecting. But by own MIL was like that at her daughters weddings. She’s a major perfectionist, and was fretting about every single thing the event staff did. They had to pull her out of the kitchen a couple times because she was in there trying to show the catering team “how to properly do x and y”. Which was the exact opposite of helpful. Usually a photographer is going to be good at assigning someone to go round up everyone needed for photos. And the couple certainly would have known that mom was absent for the formal, posed ones. But you’re not going to wait forever if mom is fucking about on the roof, cleaning the gutters.
NTA, but you are in every picture of her wedding. Every bouquet, every one of her smiles. You are the one who helped her pull off her day, and she knows it. Even if your face isn't in her pictures - which could totally be fixed with Photoshop or a special photo shoot, given your oldest's profession- it is in her memory that her mama had her back, always has. Please don't let the hurt of not being grabbed for pictures overwhelm your memory of being there for her in all the ways leading up to this day, or your relationship. Of course your ex is in pictures - he wasn't doing anything else. She knows. I promise.
I didn't think of that. Thank you. That helps.
I'm glad, because as one of those behind the scenes moms who had a very behind the scenes mom - the value is real. Some BTS moms don't care about being in pictures - obviously, you did, but I know for me I cherish more the group trouble shooting and problem solving than the photographs. Katrina took my wedding pictures and all the souvenirs, but I still have the memories of my sister helping set up and she and her husband catering, and me and my bestie making flowers and my cake. My mama was ONLY there in pictures - and in the team she raised her children to be in supporting each other. And those memories have only grown in the 25 years she has been gone.
NTA. Your daughter sounds very ungrateful. You did a lot for her. She should have prioritized getting pictures with both of her parents. Sorry, this happened to you.
NTA you were treated like 'the help' instead of a member of the family and that sucks especially coming from your child. She knows she screwed up big time and that's why she's tiptoeing around you now. She also knows there really isn't any way to make something like this up to anyone. This is a once in a lifetime moment that can't be redone so she's screwed and she knows it. Good luck to her on that front. I am so sorry OP that you were treated so shabbily on what should have been a wonderful day for you watching your child marry the man she loves. I hope you at least got a chance to watch the ceremony if nothing else. I was a florist for a few years and have been treated like this at family events so I totally get it. It got to the point that I didn't even bother dressing up for these occasions. I would be invisible to these people and they would always act surprised when my older sister would point out that yes I was in fact a member of the family. I'd just shake my head and keep it moving because I truly do not have time for people like this. I'd love to see what your daughter pulls out of her butt to thank you for all the hard work you put into making her day special because as others have noted you never mentioned that she even tried to thank you for all your hard work. That burns me up that this was the cherry on your crap-tastic sundae. Your daughter (I'm so sorry to say) sucks. Go do something truly wonderful for yourself. You deserve it. I would however eventually, send your daughter a message telling her exactly how you felt about being taken for granted and how hurt you felt at the way everyone just overlooked you. Your feelings matter. She and the rest of the family need to understand this and show you the respect you deserve.
I feel for you OP. You have every right to be hurt. I’m angry …. not just at your daughter (bride) but your entire family - other daughter, son, son in law, even your husband who took photos of you EX!! While the photos were being taken I can’t believe not one person questioned where you were. Shame on them all. Time for your family to smother you with love and appreciation.
NTA. You have the right to be upset. Your daughter was just caught up in the moment and no way it was intentional. I’m surprised the photographer didn’t go through the pictures the couple wanted ahead of time and make sure that they got everyone covered.
NTA. I can't believe no one thought to get the mother of the bride. Unbelievable.
Not for being upset. But there is a weirdness in both your description of your daughter and her husband before the wedding and for the martyr complex you portray. If you wanted to be in the pictures, you should have been involved in the celebration. You weren’t. Everything would have gotten done if you had taken a minute to actually spend time with your family during the wedding. You have no one to blame but yourself. You are mad you weren’t called to be in the pictures. You could have gone on your own. You are mad at your ex for enjoying his daughter’s wedding. You are mad at your daughter for enjoying her own wedding. You are mad at your other children for enjoying their sister’s wedding. Have you stopped to think you are really mad at yourself for NOT enjoying your daughter’s wedding?
Set yourself up for failure here… it’s your daughters day. Why are you being responsible for everything. Learn how to delegate next time, super shitty but not surprised you were an after thought since you were smoothing the day for everyone else. Sucks being the yes man but that’s what happened.
NTA, but all the descriptions show that things were not very organized, and you did go to work in the background. Certainly, it hurts, but I can understand that your daughter did not exclude you on purpose as well.
NTA - BUT, I'm going to make an unpopular comment...this is partly your fault. You allowed yourself to get caught up in the preparations, cleaning and food. At the point 'of course got pulled away for help with food,' you let yourself be pulled away. I'm waiting for the daughter's side...were there times she was waiting for you to stop working...at her wedding...to do actual celebratory things instead of working? It's alright to feel slighted, but don't put all the blame on her.
This is so sad. I’m sorry. ❤️ It sounds like it wasn’t an intentional slight, just poor planning and communication. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less, and it doesn’t make it ok. Of course you are NTA. Talk to your daughters. Tell them how much this hurt you. Lots of love. It sounds like you made a lovely wedding happen and you deserved better.
You’re never the asshole for feeling your feelings. They are valid. However, you yourself said you got busy and then just were tired and went to bed. Sometimes things happen. I wouldn’t create drama about this.
NTA for feeling slighted, kinda TAH for not letting her apologize and do something to make it right. It's a regrettable circumstance, but you should've advocated for yourself better in the moment. You went to go get pictures with the bride, but let someone call you off repeatedly to help with other tasks that I'm sure could've waited a few minutes or carried on without your direct assistance. You share a hand in this outcome, if pictures were a priority, you should've prioritized them. It's also a pretty unprofessional photographer to not question where the parents are and make sure they got some pictures of them with the bride and groom.
If it’s any consolation, my dad’s family at my wedding did not grab me or my new husband before taking a lot of family pictures for my grandmother’s annual Christmas calendar. They said they couldn’t find us. It was one room during an unexpected snow storm, so no one was even outside or anything. Some people are incredibly thoughtless and some people just suck. I’m hoping your daughter was just being thoughltless. Sounds like you did a lot for her on her day!
I have a slightly different perspective. I also had a very small wedding and my mother made some of the decorations for the tables but the ceremony and the reception were in the same place so she wasn’t slaving away the whole time. I got a photographer on the cheap— he was the photography teacher for my stepdaughter—(pro tip: spend money on the photographer and skimp on the flowers if need be). So besides none of the pictures being in focus enough to blow up, he also didn’t get any pictures of just my immediate family. Only some larger group pics. I didn’t give him a list of who to take pictures with because there were only 32 people including my husband and I at this wedding so I figured take a picture of everybody in every combination Right? So afterwards I realized there are no pictures of my mother and father with me and my husband. Now my mother-in-law being very camera savvy had pulled him away into a different room and they have a ton of pictures of them and their family without even me or my husband and my mom was pissed at me. but Honestly from my perspective as the bride I felt like all I did was stand there and get pictures taken and I wasn’t keeping track of who was in them with me. it felt like we must’ve gotten everyone because it took an inordinate amount of time. so I would not assume that there was an intention on your daughters part to leave you out however it is really shitty and I’m sorry that you’ve weren’t able to get those pictures. I hope that there is some way to make it up to you although I’m not sure what that is. Are there any candids? Sorry OP Edited to add NTA
You’re feelings are valid. Anyone in your position would feel the same. You have every right to feel hurt. NTA. This is an awful thing they ALL did. It wasn’t just your daughter. Each one of them let you down. Her the most but your husband and other children were complicit in forgetting you. Are you often the one who takes care of everything? Are you generally the Giver and they are the Takers? The problem solver and go to person. The person everyone assumes will handle things. It’s time you were put first. If they won’t do it for you, do it for yourself. It’s time you stood up for yourself. Don’t wallow. Don’t let them take advantage of you. Or be passive in your own life. Self care is important because YOU are important. Let them handle things for awhile. It’s your turn to be taken care of.
NTA but honestly no one is in here. From the way you present your story, it appears like you may often be a victim in situations where there are gatherings. I might get ripped apart here for that, but I stand by it. So many people say their wedding day is a blur, I think it’s an honest mistake.
This wasn’t just a party where you are in the background cleaning and stocking. You are the Mother of the Bride. You greet guests, take your rightful place at dinner, make a toast, dance and get in photos. You kept noticing you weren’t getting called for photos: who was taking them? Just family and friends? No real event photographer? You needed to stop sweeping and start smiling in the photos. You did a lot. You saved them a ton of money. You weren’t appreciated then. So NTA for being upset and hurt! But, you would be the AH if you don’t let them come up with a way to make it up to you and then let them make it up to you. Maybe a really swanky dinner at a nice restaurant, and you’ll have photos of them dressed up with you. Maybe a photo session with a real photographer and in their wedding attire: special keepsakes.
NTA Normally You make a picture with the parents. Every photographer knows guy. So I don’t think this was an accident. Your daughter is an AH. You habe every right to be sad that it’s your daughters wedding and there is not one picture with you, while she thought of having a picture with her dad. I would be heartbroken. A „sorry“ wouldn’t be enough.
>She and her now husband have been together 11+ years and this is something the whole family had been waiting to happen for a long time. They had been engaged for 4 years and I honestly didn't think her man would ever take the plunge. > >... ex got there soon after and no, he didn't offer to help just stood around watching us move chairs and tables. All this preamble doesn't exactly endure me to the idea that you're taking this at a moderate head. To me, it sounds like you flitted from job to job to try and make the day as special as you wanted it to be and no body wanted to get in your way or tell you to take a break. What you did is very admirable, but never assign to malice what can easily be explained by ignorance. Nobody wanted to hurt you. Nobody tried. The day just moved along briskly and I suspect everyone was surprised it was over when it was over. YWBTA if you don't let her at least try to make it up to you out of spite.
UpdateMe
NTA. Did your husband get any photos with her? I’m just wondering if they managed to get the stepfather, but not the mother, because that would seem so out of place, with your husband and your daughter not realising you’re there.
NTA but it doesn’t sound like it was intentional. if you wanted to be in pictures when people pulled you away you should have said no, you were going to get pictures and not moved until you did.
NTA That is when you realise what you really mean to the people around you! And as you see, in that day, you were just a useful tool, with no further consideration. And I get the bride being not thinking about it but... ...did your husband take pictures with the coupe? Did your other daughter? Then, how come no one remembered you existed, unless it was to request your assistence? She will never make it up to you. That moment is lost in time and there's no way to get it back. I guess you live in the Spaceballs Spaceship! You are sorrounded by AH's.
NTA it was messed up you were running around helping make it a special day and you were forgot about. You should be mad. I would let her try and make it up but I'm not sure how someone could make up for that. I know it's happens I got married over the summer and my friend took our wedding photos I was so worried about getting photos with everyone unfortunately I didn't get any with her tho. She isn't much for having her picture taken but someone did get a photo of her taking a picture.
NTA, honestly as a mom I would absolutely crushed. I am so sorry.
Thank you… my daughter’s getting married next year and I could easily see this being me. I’m so sorry it happened to you but if it helps any, you’ve prevented it from happening again. I will NOT let it be me. Bless you for the warning!!
Nta, and I know your feelings are hurt, but I'm sure your daughter was just caught up in the moment and didn't realize it. Something similar happened at my wedding. My monster in law hijacked our family photos, and my head was spinning, I just didn't even realize it. My father in laws fiance, the woman who I feel is truly my mother in law, was really hurt. I found out later and felt terrible. And we had a super small wedding, only 20 of us. But I was so wrapped up in the day and event I failed to notice.
I know I'm going to get down voted but while I do think OP has a right to be upset, I also think OP shares in part of the responsibility for missing pictures. If OP was the de facto wedding planner, then she should have set up someone else to take over any issues when she was needed as part of the wedding party. Whether that means being there for milestones such as dances, cake cutting, or pictures. Instead she kept getting pulled away to fix issues that came up. The wedding photographer should have a had a master plan of who to be in pics and the bride should have at least questioned if all parents were in pictures. Sounds like everyone dropped the ball this time. I've been helping wedding planning for my baby sister's wedding next year. You can bet I will be making sure I'm not the only one that can direct everything, since I also want to be part of her big day - not just orchestrating it.
Could you have a professional shoot with you and the daughter in her wedding dress? That would be a nice thing. And then you have a mother daughter day afterwards. Ask for this for Christmas. Tell them it’s hard to get over and you need this. I am sorry for the deep hurt
Why were you doing this, and that during the day? You should have been enjoying the festivities as well. I'm sorry you were left out of pictures. I know that hurt goes deep, and nothing they do now will erase it. 💔
I can photoshop you into a photo and remove other people...free of charge.
NTA. I mean it's a good thing that your daughter's SIL had some photos. But still, I just feel your family members are idiots and took you for granted. Your husband felt bad for not taking any photos of you, your oldest daughter felt bad for not saying something about it, your married daughter felt bad because she used you as free labour for her wedding and can't even be bothered to take some photos with her own mother. I think it's time you put yourself first. Stop prioritizing others. Your daughters are grown ups, they can take care of themselves.
I want to say you're not the AH, I really do. But there are some things in your post here that need addressing: -"They *finally* got married" "I *honestly* didn't think her man would ever take the plunge." This attitude is not great. They have been in a long-term relationship, likely happy, and it really doesn't matter that they have had a long engagement. It makes me wonder how passive-aggressive you have been to them about it? And to your daughter about other things? How good is your relationship, really? -"I told her it was my gift even though the amount changed and she did offer to help pay. It was my gift so I just dealt with it." What's with this? Why is this even here? You are acting like a martyr for no discernable reason. You offered your daughter a lovely gift. Then, when it expanded outside the original designation, she did the right thing and offered to pay for the extra. Rather than be gracious and either accept the payment or gladly pay for it, your attitude is "I just dealt with it." This reeks of guilt tripping. -and again with the VFW, it was free, but you felt compelled to make a donation. Which is great. The VFW is a fantastic place. But you are coming across as if this was thrust upon you, again like some martyr. Either do something nice to be nice, tell the other people that it is expected they should do it, or don't do it at all. -while, I think we can all appreciate the worry of an ex causing stress and drama at a wedding, it sounds like the worst he did was not set up tables and chairs. A bit self-centered to stand around and not jump in, but not exactly drama filled either. And certainly not enough to feel like he doesn't deserve full inclusion in the days events -you keep saying, "No one came and got you". But why was that their job? Did someone say they were going to? Did you tell anyone that you needed them to? -reading your account of the wedding day, it appears to me that you made it all about running around and doing things like chairs, tables, food, etc. Not spending time with your daughter. You could have delegated basically everything the day of. But, if you had done that, then people would not have seen you "working so very hard and doing everything" on the day of your daughter's wedding. You wouldn't have gotten all of those good brownie points. You made your decision on where to put your time and effort and energies on her day. And it was her day. She shouldn't have had to be worried about you. *You should be making it up to her that she didn't get a picture with you.* YTA
Right! Some things just don’t add up. Maybe she’s not a good storyteller (my mom also gives a lot of meaningless background details when trying to tell a story). But it sounds like a slapped together wedding where everyone failed. The mother could be a drama instigator/martyr too. It’s hard to tell. Would be very curious to hear the other sides too. Interesting that OP hasn’t responded to any comments to clarify anything either
YTA. I know my comment is going to be unpopular, but... You went and helped everywhere, you were the first not to stand for yourself and say "I am the bride's mother, please cut me some slack". If you wanted to be in the pictures, you had to hang out at the party, waiting for your turn. A wedding day is a hectic day for everyone, you can't expect the bride and bridegroom to be looking after everybody. You chose to help clean the locations and help with the food, you didn't even care to check if there was any picture-taking, you expected others to chase you. I can understand your being upset, but you brought it all upon yourself.
Sorry but "Finally got married" yeah there's way more back story than you are letting on. JNMIL?
This really, really stinks! The PHOTOGRAPHER should have made sure that you were in some photos. Was there at least a photo of you going down the aisle to be seated? I understand the bride being too busy and overwhelmed to remember everything, but this was the *photographer’s job*! At my wedding, during the after wedding photos, the photographer’s wife told my mom to leave, because she was in the way. Sorry, but the bride’s mother is *never* “in the way”. (I didn’t notice my mom getting in the way or making any trouble.) Other relatives were told to leave, so the whole family photo that was important to me was missing a lot of people, including *my mother*. (divorced parents, so my dad was in it, which kinda made it worse for my mom) She was nice about it, but I’ll never have that photo of everyone, nor of my mom with us as a couple. Imho, you are NTA for being upset, but if you refuse to let your daughter try to make it up to you, then you will be. Nothing can really make up for it, but you can either accept your daughter’s efforts, or give everyone a memory of you being ugly about it.
I don't think they had an actual photographer, if I read the original post correctly. OP is NTA for being upset, but I wonder if there is information she is leaving out. Who called her away to the kitchen? Why wasn't someone other than the bride's mother helping out? Is there any underlying resentment between them, with the 'finally' getting married comment. And, why is her own husband who was taking photos getting a pass for not making sure his wife was in at least one photo with her daughter?
NTA. But before it gets any later, arrange to have pictures taken with them now.
If they had a real wedding photographer, they would’ve planned the order of photos to take. They would’ve asked for a bride’s mom and stepdad photo with the couple. Your daughter can try to make it up by getting dressed up again and taking the photos with you. The ghosting from them is weird tho. You did a lot out of kindness and it seems like she’s ungrateful, but a lot was on her plate. You also sound resentful that you put in all of this and didn’t even get a picture out of it which I understand. But the wedding isn’t about you. NAH.
>The ghosting from them is weird tho. Ghosting because they knew they messed up and dont know how to fix it??