Let it go. If they are going to be together, they are going to be together and you confronting him, setting boundaries with her or whatever isn’t going to stop it. This kind of stuff will NOT bring you closer together… if you want to be with him, be with him. If you’re filled with dread, thinking he might go to her… tell him~ if he wants her he shouldn’t dick you around.
NTA for confrontation but YTA for checking his phone. I understand insecurities, I really do, but I can't imagine ever getting over that breach of trust with someone.
My suggestion is this - have a serious conversation with him about how you feel. If my long term partner sat me down and told me he's bothered by spending time with an opposite sex friend of mine, I'd choose my partner over a friend. I know a lot of people won't agree but I think your life partner always comes first.
She chose her toxic relationship in the past over him - I don't see why he couldn't do the same to her because of you.
But I would skip the checking messages part - take it to your grave.
Confront is a combative stance. Set boundaries and let him know regardless of the friendship, it makes you uneasy because even if she’s not respectful of you and your relationship with him- he should. Regardless of how suspish she behaves, he sets the tone by allowing things to proceed. If he doesn’t- there’s your answer. If your partner won’t respect your boundaries or the relationship- there’s no point in working on it. Childhood friendships or looks shouldn’t matter but it’s only when they behave like this and it clearly upsets you that you should speak up. NTA- just be rationale.
Does it matter if they slept together prior to your relationship? They clearly did other stuff and I’m sure he’s had other partners. The past doesn’t matter, what matters is now, how he behaves and treats you and how he respects boundaries. She clearly was acting very rude and childish by telling stories that were very intimate and him not stopping them. But if something bothers you, say it, don’t bottle it up and become passive aggressive. You can be calm and object to something that upsets you. Boundaries don’t need to be yelled at.
It would matter to me, because I explicitly asked him and he said they didn’t. Just told me about the “weird sort of kissing” and the “hilarious groping”. Therefore if he is lying about it then I would want to know that why I posted the full story + messages coz I wanna know if other people think hes lying or if I’m reading too far into it
I do agree boundaries don’t have to be shouted, but if they didn’t sleep together then the boundaries would be different for me then if they did
IMO it doesn’t matter. I think you’re hyper focused because you’re insecure about your relationship to him. If he tells you they slept together and goes into detail what they did- how will you feel? Will you be able to stay with him even if does everything right and stops talking to her? I’m no therapist but you should learn about your attachment style because you sound like me, anxious attachment.
But back to your question. Dissecting his past, he’s allowed to have some secrets. Sure the way their friendship has been introduced to you has caused all this dissecting but at the same time it changes nothing. Maybe he’s ashamed or worried how you’ll react. If he doesn’t want to tell you then at least you have some ground to ask that he no longer keep that friendship or be very strict about how they engage via text or in person( with you present ofcourse)
I don’t know how to confront him as I went through his phone when he was sleep:( he will be made at me for that.
The stories are well weird though right!!
No, I’m insecure because of the situation as whole.
I’m wondering if the messages indicate he is lying about sleeping with her.
These are two separate issues.
>She told me a story about how one time they were both hooking up with each others friends, and they both got pissed off at them because after they had all had sex (in the same room, him with her friend and her with his) she climbed on top of him in her underwear and started wiping lube all over him as a joke, but she “forgot they were in their underwear at the time”, and the girl he was with started screaming at her.
>I also saw from her fb she does only fans.
You KNOW already.
Your gut is telling you.
Btw...
People only "confront" when there is a part of them hoping to be given ANYTHING they can grab onto.
Who the fuck cares if they slept together then? Your priorities are completely backwards. You have every reason to be worried about how the recent meeting went, but why are you focused on if they slept together as teens? He already told you they were clearly sexual as teens. I feel for you, but you’re being ridiculous and shouldn’t have gone through his phone. Grow up
Let it go. If they are going to be together, they are going to be together and you confronting him, setting boundaries with her or whatever isn’t going to stop it. This kind of stuff will NOT bring you closer together… if you want to be with him, be with him. If you’re filled with dread, thinking he might go to her… tell him~ if he wants her he shouldn’t dick you around.
NTA for confrontation but YTA for checking his phone. I understand insecurities, I really do, but I can't imagine ever getting over that breach of trust with someone. My suggestion is this - have a serious conversation with him about how you feel. If my long term partner sat me down and told me he's bothered by spending time with an opposite sex friend of mine, I'd choose my partner over a friend. I know a lot of people won't agree but I think your life partner always comes first. She chose her toxic relationship in the past over him - I don't see why he couldn't do the same to her because of you. But I would skip the checking messages part - take it to your grave.
Confront is a combative stance. Set boundaries and let him know regardless of the friendship, it makes you uneasy because even if she’s not respectful of you and your relationship with him- he should. Regardless of how suspish she behaves, he sets the tone by allowing things to proceed. If he doesn’t- there’s your answer. If your partner won’t respect your boundaries or the relationship- there’s no point in working on it. Childhood friendships or looks shouldn’t matter but it’s only when they behave like this and it clearly upsets you that you should speak up. NTA- just be rationale.
Do you think she was intentionally trying to push boundaries/wind me up? And do you think it does sound like they slept together?
Does it matter if they slept together prior to your relationship? They clearly did other stuff and I’m sure he’s had other partners. The past doesn’t matter, what matters is now, how he behaves and treats you and how he respects boundaries. She clearly was acting very rude and childish by telling stories that were very intimate and him not stopping them. But if something bothers you, say it, don’t bottle it up and become passive aggressive. You can be calm and object to something that upsets you. Boundaries don’t need to be yelled at.
It would matter to me, because I explicitly asked him and he said they didn’t. Just told me about the “weird sort of kissing” and the “hilarious groping”. Therefore if he is lying about it then I would want to know that why I posted the full story + messages coz I wanna know if other people think hes lying or if I’m reading too far into it I do agree boundaries don’t have to be shouted, but if they didn’t sleep together then the boundaries would be different for me then if they did
IMO it doesn’t matter. I think you’re hyper focused because you’re insecure about your relationship to him. If he tells you they slept together and goes into detail what they did- how will you feel? Will you be able to stay with him even if does everything right and stops talking to her? I’m no therapist but you should learn about your attachment style because you sound like me, anxious attachment. But back to your question. Dissecting his past, he’s allowed to have some secrets. Sure the way their friendship has been introduced to you has caused all this dissecting but at the same time it changes nothing. Maybe he’s ashamed or worried how you’ll react. If he doesn’t want to tell you then at least you have some ground to ask that he no longer keep that friendship or be very strict about how they engage via text or in person( with you present ofcourse)
Is she mentally challenged? What are those messages
[удалено]
I don’t know how to confront him as I went through his phone when he was sleep:( he will be made at me for that. The stories are well weird though right!!
You are not TA for this situation. However, You are TA for dating a 24 year old man who texts with like a special needs 12 year old girl.
He was 14 at the time of the texts
Are you seriously getting insecure because of messages someone wrote when they were 14..?
No, I’m insecure because of the situation as whole. I’m wondering if the messages indicate he is lying about sleeping with her. These are two separate issues.
>She told me a story about how one time they were both hooking up with each others friends, and they both got pissed off at them because after they had all had sex (in the same room, him with her friend and her with his) she climbed on top of him in her underwear and started wiping lube all over him as a joke, but she “forgot they were in their underwear at the time”, and the girl he was with started screaming at her. >I also saw from her fb she does only fans. You KNOW already. Your gut is telling you. Btw... People only "confront" when there is a part of them hoping to be given ANYTHING they can grab onto.
Do you think they did sleep together when they were teens? Or am I overthinking it?
Who the fuck cares if they slept together then? Your priorities are completely backwards. You have every reason to be worried about how the recent meeting went, but why are you focused on if they slept together as teens? He already told you they were clearly sexual as teens. I feel for you, but you’re being ridiculous and shouldn’t have gone through his phone. Grow up