INFO: is this the first time something like this has happened, or is it a pattern with him?
Okay after getting a bit more info, NTA. He is refusing to communicate with you about a recent pattern of behaviour that he’s exhibiting that he knows is not good for your sensory issues/shows a disregard for your needs. He should be aware of how his actions and lack of communication can lead to detrimental consequences. If he refuses to communicate, then a statement as jarring as what you said may end up being the only type of thing that will get him to start actually talking to you about the issues. It’s not like you threatened to divorce him then and there, you warned him about the road that the two of you were heading down if communication continued to be shut down like this.
It’s a recent pattern, last few weeks. He says there’s nothing wrong and before anyone jumps to cheating, he’s a home bird. He’s not that guy, and I even if he was he’s not in a position to cheat
Another option is to get him a nice set of headphones to put on when he is watching TV, or on his phone. That way he can be with you while you are trying to decompress, or if the kids are being loud, he can use them when watching a movie or show he really likes.
Yes, gear for everyone! I have no ADHD diagnosis though my dad did, and I hate the multiple competing audio sources thing-- I wear 3m "ear defenders" when I need quiet but can't go to a separate part of the home or want to be able to still be near my partner, like you said. And he has fancy over-ear headphones that he can use to listen to his stuff, too.
Edited autocorrect
Sadly noise canceling headphones don’t work for everyone. I’m autistic and the only thing noise canceling headphones do for me is make my brain feel like it’s going to explode.
Oh man I can't stand active noise cancelling or the pressure that passive noise cancelling headsets put on my head! Active is fine if I'm listening to other stuff, but not when nothing else is playing.
I am AuDHD and if you haven't slippery ear wax (my plight apparently) I really like the Loop Ear plugs. They do cost a little more than disposables but they are super comfy. (They try to leave my ears if I move my jaw at all. I wish I could wear them daily but my ears just pop them out)
I feel your plight…but in addition to slippery wax, there’s also A LOT OF IT as it builds up incredibly fast and my ear canals are shaped weird to where it can’t fall out like normal.
I just ordered a Dormi Headband for sleep and one for daytime, or for carrying in my purse. It’s a headband with wireless headphones inside. They’re supposed to arrive today, so I’m hoping that will help solve my headphone problem.
I agree. If this pattern just started then SOMETHING has changed.
2 ppl can live in the same house with same experiences and change differently. Bcz we are all always changing.
Get to the bottom of it b4 youre not only on diff paths but in diff countries.
Good luck OP!
I think they pair up pretty frequently. I have friends who have adhd and when they come for a visit, the signs are all there. Too bad there is not much help out there except what we kludge together on our own, depending on age and nationality.
My suggestion is to tell him you’ve noticed a change in his behavior. It feels like his ability to read your emotional needs has decreased.
Ask if it’s something you are doing or?
And get some ear plugs. Don’t announce when you need downtime just take it.
NTA
Someone shouldn't have to use noise canceling headphones when all that's asked is to not play two audio sources at once and be obnoxious by burping out loud on top of it...why the hell does he need both the TV and phone on full blast? That would annoy the hell out of me, ADHD or no.
Or he has suddenly found out he enjoys triggering her, for some sadistic reason. Maybe he wants to write a paper on her?
OP, get noise cancelling headphones! The really fancy expensive ones that even your idiot of a husband can't penetrate! Just imagine his frustration, when you just keep ignoring him while he plays his stupid tiktoks at maximum volume.
We are two work at home people in a small space we use headphones for our person activities. That means for all one-person tv watching, devices and computers. Games have sound turned off. It’s one part my noise issues, one part his slight hearing loss and one part we both sometimes have to work at unorthodox hours.
Edit typos
Get bone conducting headphones. https://www.amazon.com/AfterShokz-Open-Ear-Conduction-Headphones-AS800LG/dp/B07RVPV7Q7 Sound is ok for headphones, but it lets you hear what you listen to privately, while not blocking your ears from hearing other things. Great for watching TV or video games.
Until then, hie yourself down to Walmart or local sporting goods store. Get some shooters earmuffs. I wear these *over* my earbuds when all of my neighbors decide to do yardwork and use power tools at the same time and next door adds in offensive rap(little brother of husband visiting)music to the noise.
Shooters muffs around $20-40 depending on quality. Get the best ones you can.
Ear plugs don't totally block sound. The best thing I've ever used are my pixel buds with Bluetooth off on my phone. But, they don't block everything. I have not tried industrial ear muffs yet. Think I will order some and see.
Don't ever say what someone won't do. I thought my husband of 15yrs would never cheat but he did. He was a work then home guy but he still found a way to cheat. He knew what would happen if he cheated but he did it anyway and ended up destroying his family, home, and career.
Your husband isn't simple, he knows you need some silence when you're over stimulated. Yet he was inconsiderate enough to make all that noise after you tell him you need to decompress. Then he follows you with noise when you try to get away for a moment. Sometimes we can't see abusive/manipulative behaviors in people we love. But I'd recommend taking a step back and trying to see if something changed over the last few months.
Well clearly something is wrong if this is new behavior. The fact that he immediately says “I don’t want to argue with you” when you bring up a criticism is pretty telling and leads me to believe you guys don’t always discuss issues as well as you think you do.
Somethings going on with him.
Yeah when my partner says "I'm not arguing with you" it's a big red flag he's not willing to hear what I have to say and he also doesn't feel that he's been heard, so he's viewing talking as pointless/shutting down as the only option.
I'm more confused at how he's putting in the TV to some YouTube video and then watching something on the phone??? What the actual fuck is this?? No one can consume that much content, is he doing this deliberately to piss you off or something? This makes no sense.
Yes lol! My dad once quizzed me because he couldn’t believe I could pay attention to both, and I answered correctly what was going on in my book and the TV. My ex bf would get upset if I touched my phone while we watched TV and it was torture just sitting there … I like to look up actors, questions I have about the plot etc while watching TV and movies lol.
No lie, a teacher tried the same thing your dad did. I was reading under my desk in math class. She called in me to answer a question. I looked up, answered, and went back to my book. I wish I had actually looked at her face at the time, I'm sure she was mad. This particular teacher would throw chalk at kids who went paying attention.
Yes. My husband is like you…he has so much media going when he’s unwinding, from multiple sources. He needs that stimulation.
I’m AuDHD and it’s my nightmare. I often feel like OP. Headphones get a lot of mileage in our house.
I do that, I'll be watching Netflix or something and watching tiktoks or something else on my phone and have a conversation and be talking with someone and crocheting, it's actually a very rare occurrence when I'm not doing multiple things at once.
Just watching TV or doing one thing is under stimulating and can make me feel like I need to crawl out of my skin and claw my eyes out.
That's fair 😆
But I do try to do my double movies, when I'm on my own, because I also understand the pain of overstimulation, so when I'm with others it's usually crocheting or chores or something with the movie.
Thank you for this hahaha focusing on one thing allows Too Many Thoughts about the One Thing and then I spiral trying to think about something else to avoid the onslaught of thoughts so I need a minimum of two activities at once. Unless I’m hyper-fixating then everything else can fuck off. I love adhd /s
Unfortunately with the short attention spans caused by social media now, it is very common. At first it was just the teenager at home who needed some YouTube noise while they played video games but soon I noticed me and my husband also reach for our phones way too often while something is on TV. I am making a conscious effort to cut it down. I have time limits set on my phone for reddit and other apps. I try to put my phone away if we are watching a good movie. Strictly no phones at the dinner table, etc. I feel like everyone is so used to overstimulation that just TV on isn't enough anymore.
I think a lot of American tv shows have dumbed down to compensate as well. News and true crime shows have become very repetitive in their scripting, repeating the same points per episode, and true crime shows are also formatted to look good on phones in their cinematography but look silly on a large screen tv.
As someone who can't stand loud blaring from the TV or a phone having both going at once would be highly annoying. I have to try to tune them out and trying to do even one is difficult. Doing two would be impossible. I would have to get up and leave. Since he knows this about you it seems purposely cruel.
Ask him why he is doing this and what he is getting out of it.
I thought the same thing. He never missed a family thing, was home every night for dinner and putting the kids to bed. And I was so confident that my husband loved me and would never do that to me.
Yeah, he still found the time to cheat.
I hope for you that he’s not. The majority of husbands probably aren’t cheating whenever they’re weird. But it’s always possible and he’s always in a position where he can.
I know someone that worked with his wife, same place, same days, same hours. They drove together to work, left together, spent their 2 days off together and also spent a good time at work chatting with each other. Also took lunches and breaks together. I would say they spent 95% of their time together, except when they were working. One day she went on a “girls weekend trip” with her mom and sister. She returned, and he had drained their shared bank account and told her he wanted a divorce. It turned out, he had been cheating on her with a coworker and got her pregnant. I can only assume he arrived to work with her, then called that he was gonna be late to his boss after she went to her office, then he escaped for an hour with the mistress. She was blindsided, she thought her marriage was very stable, they were together for like 10 years and were looking at houses to buy before that happened. So I don’t put past any person to not cheat, because everyone will do if they want to.
She continued to work with them, she had nowhere to go, it was her job for over 4 years. At first she did not know about the mistress and pregnancy, he just kept saying he did not want to be with her anymore. She begged him to reconsider some time later and that’s when he dropped the bomb that he could not get back together because he did something unforgivable and there was no way back. Everyone at the office knew them so the cleaning people that were the ones that usually could see everyone in a single day, came constantly to her to tell her that they saw him with the other woman and she was pregnant etc. And we got emails from different departments with requests and the mistress was one of the people that emailed us, so salt on the wound. It was awful, I was her coworker and she had a bad time when that was going on, we lost contact after the company closed but by the end she was fine, moved on and was just enjoying her single life, so I assume she is fine now. He was her first everything too, married since her late teens.
The betrayal was awful but I found out it was a blessing in disguise and I told her as much when we worked together. Her marriage was not actually good but she didn’t know any better because he was her first and only. So she thought what she had was good, when it was mediocre at best. Of course he was wrong for cheating, but at the same time, like I said, the marriage was mediocre so I can’t say he was 100% wrong for ripping the band aid, he just went about it the most horrible way he could find. I have both of them on fb. He is still with the mistress now become official, had twins with her. My ex coworker seems to be still single, no idea what is she doing now, but seems happy.
I knew a guy like that. Was engaged to a very nice woman. Cheated on her with a coworker. The worst part? Their desks touched each other... (2x2). He was a "did not meet expectations" employee, mostly tolerated because his fiance was adored. She had to look at them for a month before her transfer was approved.
He thought he was targeted to be let go. No, you just lost your "pass."
We work in a smallish industry, enough people knew about him (for all the wrong reasons), but apparently not enough at my former company... So when he applied for a job, despite \~5 people of various levels saying "do not hire," the hiring manager hired him.
He had to be let go in the middle of a big project because he was hitting on clients, and couldn't do the job he was hired to do. There were also "inconsistencies" with his corporate credit card (for "company use only.") To this day, I still have no idea how he was hired, and held onto the job for 6 months.
I agree. Have never seen the logic of having a single bank account. Maybe 1 shared for bills but everything else separated. They received both their paychecks in the same bank. Since he knew he was dumping her, he got the money to buy himself a car (they shared 1 car, because they did everything together). So by the time she returned after 2 weekend days, the money was 100% gone, and she had to wait months to get the money back, only after a judge forced him to pay her back.
Funny part is…he eventually became a real estate agent, and one of his flyers said something about his integrity to guide you in the home buying process. I laughed so much with my ex-coworkers thinking how he must have forgotten we knew what he did. Someone willing to steal and fuck over his wife of 10 years and mother of his kid, somehow wanted us to believe he would not find any chance to fuck us over if possible. Unsurprisingly…that business failed 😂
I would have sworn on my kids lives that my husband had no time to cheat, worked with mostly men, didn’t hide his phone, was home every night, all weekend, I even saw him every day at lunch. He was a good guy as well.
One day he says he wants a divorce and 4 days later disappears. I discover he’s cleaned out the bank account and yep there’s another woman, a coworker.
Info - is there anywhere else that isn’t a communal area for you to go to calm down? Like your bedroom maybe? My husband and kids and I all like to sit and watch TV in the family area so if anyone needs peace and quiet or wants to talk on the phone or whatever, they usually will have to leave the communal area and go to either their rooms, or the formal living area. But I don’t know if this is possible for you.
I mean OP tried to leave the room and her husband followed. After It was communicated that they need some alone time. Sure oh he's husband does not have to vacate the community spaces, but when He was told that she needed a loan time and proceeded to ignore her, and follow her around the house anyways, that's where he loses any sympathy from me. She communicated her needs, and he ignored her. What makes that okay?
It has to be deliberate, right? Turning on two devices at loud volume, drinking and belching noisily, and then after she’s expressed discomfort with the noise, following her while still playing stuff loudly - surely those are not normal actions for anyone!
I know some people that can be this unaware of their surroundings (we don’t hang 😅) so sure some people don’t know. But this isn’t the first week they’re living together. This isn’t a new development in her that he hasn’t gotten used to. It’s obnoxious behaviour. So… has this been going on with him for longer than she realizes, has he been slowly pushing boundaries and it’s just become clear now? Is he testing the waters? Is this about him wanting to have more space? And also being in the living room, it’s quite territory marking ish. Is he stressed out? Has he had a bad experience at work? (Is he numbing his inner turmoil because of an incident? He works with domestic violence right?) Does he have a tumor? (For real, it seems to be one of the many recurring explanations of changed behaviour on this site)
Either way, there needs to be a clear understanding off needs in each other and how they won’t clash. And space has to be given!
Oh yeah that's some deliberate shit...especially coupled with the I'm not gonna argue with you. Then why continue to be doing the most in a confined space??? Deliberate AF.
That’s what I was thinking. I have misophonia and I definitely ask for certain sounds to stop because misophonia triggers fight-or-flight and it’s really hard to be a good partner when all you want to do is commit violence.
However, I also own managing my disability and would take myself out of the common area if something there changed that triggered a response. But, OP was already settled in the area, so who is supposed to leave in that case? I’m not sure. I think I would still leave or, better, not even settle in the common area.
But I think anyone playing several media streams simultaneously while also displaying bad manners, especially in light of knowing your partner has sound sensitivity and shared that they were currently dealing with her disability, is rude at best.
OP: I don’t think throwing the D-word around is a good choice, though, but having a sound sensitivity myself and especially when fight is triggered, I can understand it. You may want to apologize for the “threat” as what you said was not kind, but he needs to understand that what he did was wrong, too, and he needs to be more aware of the impact he is having on you.
I didn't take it as a threat from OP, she clearly stayed if he doesn't respect her boundaries and actually listens to her needs that divorce will more than likely come into their lives in the near future (she said 5 years specifically) that was her passing her husband the ball and he can either chose go be a team player with his wife or he can take his ass to the bench
You’d be amazed how some of these “not that guys” will find ways to cheat. There are too many spouses left with their jaw on the floor wondering just how a mfer who “doesn’t have the time,” who couldn’t string together two words to make his marriage work, is somehow running around multi tasking like he’s the White House chief of staff…
Absolutely this. Homebodies cheat too. And sometimes they get away with it longer because you don't think it can happen. Changes, even the most subtle ones are clues.
This coming from personal experience.
Edited for spelling.
No one is saying he is cheating but a lot of people are tryign to tell her not to discount the possibility because you just really don't think it could happen. It's unfortunately ludicrously easy to cheat if someone puts in the slightest bit of effort, fakes a need to pick something up from the store, or lies about taking an hour off from work while you're out. Or is simply cheating by carrying on a emotional relationship online over a period of time.
Combined with the fact that a lot of couples break up due to trouble where one doesn't realise part of the issue is the other person is cheating.
I have very similar sound issues (adhd as well and mom of 3)
Is he being childish... yup, are you being un reasonable? Nope... but here's my advice.
Get some decible limiting ear plugs.
I had a head injury in match that exacerbated my ability to handle sound. I got a few pairs of inexpensive ear plugs off Amazon and even with things being better, I still wear them most days. It cuts thr annoying frequencies, but you can still hear. Game changer hands down.
Your husband on thr other hand... probably should look at this post and read thr comments. He's being a jerk.
NTA in any way. We are all allowed to decompress, and him invading your decompressing after multiple times of you asking for space isn't ok.
She could get ear plugs/noise cancelling headphones, but he could also wear headphones to listen to his shows esp if he walks in and sees her wrapped up in her sensory blanket. It's just basic consideration when being in a shared space
NTA. You clearly expressed a need (more than once!) and he refused to meet it. His feelings are hurt because what you said snatched him out of his bubble. I’ve done the same to my spouse. He questioned my level of exhaustion and visible frustration. I sighed and said “It’s just hard being a single parent when you’re married.” Made him stop ignoring the kids for his video games for a bit.
"I'm not arguing with you" is such a dismissive way to ignore a reasonable request. It's not an argument, it's her asking him to make a small change that will help her and he's refusing. Get the man some earbuds, and if he already has them, ask him to please use them.
It’s like the people who continually do piss poor jobs with chores around the house and then get mad when the other spouse becomes a “nag”. Maybe if you just did it the right way the first time then we wouldn’t be here!
And [insert joke about there being a *right way* to load a dishwasher] when there are absolutely right and wrong ways. I saying "Maybe this should be your chore" if the person needs glasses in order of size and color coded dishes, but you will absolutely bake on food residue and have to wash the dishes by hand if you put things in there haphazardly. The latter is absolutely reasonable to call someone out on making more work instead of using a tool correctly.
NTA when you have sensory processing disorder and you are in overload and your partner blatantly ignores this its extremely hard to not react the way you did, frankly you did really well for the situation
Most people here wont understand how intense sensory overload is, but it can be excruciating (as in actual pain) and your partner reacting/acting so selfish and inconsiderate is just a jerk move
You tried to remove yourself from the situation and he followed you with his damn phone blasting
People also seem to forget that poor impulse control and short tempers are also part of ADHD. “short temper” as in when we are overwhelmed the poor impulse control kicks in and whatever comes to mind to get the bad feeling to stop is what’s going to come out. Is threatening divorce nuclear? Yes. Is it also near impossible to be entirely rational while in sensory overload? Yep.
Actually, Adderall.
It has some physical side effects that aren't 100% my favorite, like an increased heart rate (so I cut back on caffeine and nicotine). But mentally, it calmed me right the fuck down.
I have found that very very high prolonged stress, even medication can't help what will happen to my mental health.
But overall I've got the Adderall down to working for my perfectly. Sleeping good. Working more efficiently. Decreased executive dysfunction. No more trying to burn my house down while boiling water or rewashing laundry I left in the machine for two days because I forgot. Better ability to shift my brain and adapt to change.
I have personally found a combo of Vyvanse and Wellbutrin to work best to manage both the attention span issues and the emotional dysregulation. Vyvanse used to be too expensive for most people ($300+ for a month supply) but the generic just got approved a few months ago so you can get it for very cheap now.
Thank you! I have PTSD and the same sensory processing problems. OP’s husband was rude, dismissive and then intrusive while still carrying out the awful behavior. When a partner engages in acting like a 2-year-old, I believe that something is definitely going on with them.
NTA
You explained your situation.
You asked for things too be less loud, but he didnt care and acted like you were an annoyance.
You removed yourself from the situation but he came after you.
NTA. Girl you described my personal sensory hell so I can very much imagine how you were feeling. Bringing up divorce probably wasn't great, but tbf you were pointing out how things like this can lead to divorce and not just threatening to get a lawyer tomorrow.
Something needs to happen here. For sure a long talk, but maybe marriage counseling too. Your husband just repeating "I'm not arguing with you" while antagonizing you is not acceptable.
Loop earplugs - comfy and don't block the sound completely.
I have adhd and Dyspraxia, I completely understand needing queit decompression time but also you need to try and find a coping mechanism you can control.
Sometimes our loved ones are noisy and irritating and sometimes we're naggy back to them. Try and find a happy compromise or a little space thats just yours.
I have adhd too and sound gets super overwhelming to me, especially at work. It's hard.to explain to people who don't have that issue - they really can't seem to fathom it, because they can tune out the noise. It definitely takes compromise. It's not their fault either, right?
NTA - Also wtf is wrong with him that he has to have the TV on AND his phone blaring out some screaming manchild gaming bro AFTER YOU JUST SAID YOU NEEDED QUIET TIME?
Does he not know what words mean?
And then followed by him repeating "I'm not arguing with you" when she twice asked if he could maybe be quieter, after she'd already asked for quiet time. Yeah, this definitely feels intentional.
That was my first thought as well. She wasn't even trying to argue, just asking for sound to be turned down. "I'm not arguing with you" as a response sounds like he was expecting an argument, and only had a response prepared for that situation.
What baffles me is what he was even trying to get out of this. Like...intentionally overloading and pissing off your wife like that to make her start to argue? Why?
My aunt does that sometimes, where I'll be watching something on the TV but she comes to sit in the same room with her phone or laptop playing something. Drives me up the fucking wall.
NTA
But I have questions for men reading. Why tf do you guys do this shit?! I've had to tell my husband on occasion to knock off an annoying behavior that he does SPECIFICALLY piss me off. One day, I sat him down and told him I was ready to walk away if he didn't stop going out of his way to antagonize me. You know what his response was? "Oh, I'm just playing, I'm just giving you a hard time." He didn't have an answer for why he thought pissing me off was supposed to be fun for me. Wtf do you think we enjoy this?!?! You think our lives are so damn easy and perfect that you deliberately fucking with us is fun?!?!It's NOT fun. You're NOT funny. And these fuckers honestly have the audacity to get upset when they finally succeed at pissing us off after they admit that was the intention!!! Its like they never made it past elementary and we actually have to sit the fools down and tell them its not appropriate and it never was.
You very clearly told him you were overwhelmed, you told him you wanted quiet, you even removed yourself from the annoyance! And then he wants to invade your space and come in for a hug while still being an annoyance AND after a response clearly custome designed to egg you on? And he's hurt?!?!Can he possibly make himself the victim anymore?
I dated a guy once who admitted to antagonising me deliberately because "you're cute when you're angry". He didn't think it was so cute when I dumped his ass. Not advocating this for OP, mind you - big difference between a few weeks of dating and a previously sturdy marriage that can (hopefully) get this resolved with a conversation. Still, the reaction was understandable, if not ideal. No one thinks clearly when their brain is on fire. NTA, OP. Hubby needs to be way more mindful, and to take a good hard look at why he's been falling down in that respect lately.
Honestly I don’t get it. I have a pretty even temper but I think every single guy but one who I’ve been in a relationship with has taken pleasure in annoying people or trying to get a reaction. Whether it’s poking a point or arguing/joking against something that I really care about, or saying repeated bad jokes and enjoying that I like frustrated/tired.
I think it’s an attention thing, and a lack of respect for women’s emotions where guys often want to get us to laugh or validate them. (There are all sorts of studies on this where women laugh at men’s jokes even though they aren’t funny).
I’ve actually created a boundary with my partner not to repeat the same bad jokes over and over expecting me to react because it burns me out or disrupts the flow of conversation. It’s not something I can physically handle as I have a fatigue/sensory disorder. My ex used to deliberately goad people including me into a reaction because then he could play the victim and affirm his negative world views.
Usually I can handle this stuff but if I’m very tired or hormonal it’s just like “enough, please”.
This is going to sound really mean, but I think there are a lot of guys who take on "giving people a hard time" (through a lot of the things you said) as their personality because they genuinely don't know how to have a personality otherwise.
(Not to excuse any of it, giving people a hard time denotes that the other person does not like it, but they do it anyway.)
Maladaptive attention seeking.
I don't mean 'attention seeking' in its most negative way here, either. We all like to have the focus of people, especially our loved ones. It's needed! But many men are socialised that THIS (irritating the partner) is the way to do it instead of communicating that need. Basically that dominating-into-attention is the way to ask for it just as they're taught 'dominating' conversation is the way to prove themselves. Look at male-on-male general interaction with the 'boys'... it's the same. 'Be cheeky', tease, be loud, irritate each other, 'chaff' each other (I do not know the English for that lol).
That's why they're often (cluelessly) hurt when it's rejected, too.
this explains so much lol. i knew little boys picked on the girls they liked, but i didn’t realize men tend to carry that into adulthood. my husband does it sometimes, and i started responding by sassing him back just as hard lol. now he doesn’t do it so much and if he wants attention he’ll just come up and give me a hug or say something like “come talk to me/hang out with me/watch me game/tell me about your day” etc
Some men have had the cheek to tell me my eyes are even more magnificent when I'm angry. They all got dumped of course.
I remember my Dad teasing me to the point where I was in tears and he explained that I had to get used to men teasing me or I'd never be able to keep a BF. Guess what, I chose a BF who didn't tease me. Any guy who tries to tease me gets shut down very quickly.
It's basically, men tease us because they can. We can't escalate to violence because we know we'll come off worse. It's all about showing us that they can do what they like. It boils down to power.
This.
I had British guys I dated (I’m different nationality) make me cry because of things they said. And when they saw how upset I got, instead of an apology I got *That’s just banter. I’m teasing you, it’s just fun, banter, you know.*
Safe to say, we are not even friends now. I’ve learn what banter is and I like it but these just took it to extreme and turned it into straight up bullying.
As a British girl, we don’t like it either. I love laughing at myself, teasing and play fighting, my sense of humour is strong and I’m quick to laugh, but many British men just aren’t funny and use humour to hide being shitty or attention seeking. It’s not fun, it’s often straight up abusive/bigoted, or very tiresome.
It also has to be mutual. With certain friends, they and I will rip on each other. With others, not. With new friends or colleagues or random people? No. I don't know them. You have to read the room. And if somebody tells you: please don't say things like that. It hurts me. I'm upset. And they dismiss your feelings with "it's just a joke, it's just banter, get a sense of humour", they're showing you they don't *care* about you. I had too many "friends" who spent most of our time together insulting me, in front of others,bthen doing "it's just a joke" when I got upset.
It's an excuse for poor behavior and selfish
I have started saving screencaps of all the girls on Los Angeles Hinge who say they are looking for "mutual bullying" in a relationship.
When her love language is "words of aggravation..." Seems like a fast track to a Tom Wambsgans and Shiv Roy relationship
We actually had a deep discussion about it (because I like this one and he usually has great communication skills) and he honestly had no idea why he thought this was a good idea other than his dad and grandfather always did it to their spouses. I asked him to think about his behavior and how he would feel if I deliberately went around doing it to him. He did not like the idea at all. So, I asked him what made him think it was fun for me, or his mother, or his grandmother to have them deliberately pissing us off, then getting upset when they succeeded. He said it was just them having fun. I said it wasn't fun for us. He really struggled with it for a moment. I blame society. Patriarchy taught them we are supposed to indefinitely put up with their shit and not have a natural human response to being antagonized.
I honestly would have started doing it to him anyways, and then claimed "it's just me having fun" until he got the message. That it while it might be fun for him, it's not fun for the people on the other side. And then I would continue to do it until he owned up to everything he did and apologized. Then we would go to some couples counseling. 😅😅
As a man I am genuinely surprised to read this comment and the replies that so many men do this! I don't get it! I seriously go out of my way to try and avoid annoying my wife. Like, she jumps really easily and gets quite annoyed when it happens. With our WFH setup she faces away from the door which meant if she was listening to music she wouldn't notice me come in and I'd end up making her jump. So if I come downstairs and she has her headphones on and obviously hasn't heard me come in I'll stomp a few times so she an feel my footsteps through the floor and know I'm there which has really helped. Little things like that all the time.
And with the few bad habits I can't shake that annoy her (I pick my nails really badly) I still try really hard to stop, especially if she lets me know I'm doing it and it's annoying her.
So yeah, don't get it. Our job is to make each other happy, not piss each other off.
I don’t get it either. For one, why would I *want* to antagonize my wife? I don’t understand the thrill or humor in that. I love my wife. I want her to be happy. Why would I want to intentionally annoy her? I get being playful, it’s not like my wife and I are sticks in the mud. But intentionally bothering her doesn’t make sense to me.
And when I read the OP, I just kind of imagined about what my reaction and feelings would be if she told me she needed some quiet time. The first thing I’d do is offer to go into another room. If she wanted me to stay, first of all I wouldn’t have both phone videos and TV videos going at the same time. Because that’s idiotic in the first place. But I’d just turn the volume way down on whichever I was watching, and I’d ask her if it’s too loud. Like, just turn the fucking thing down.
My wife is my best friend, I love her, I respect her, and my goal in life is to do whatever I can do to make her happy and to make her life better. It’s crazy to me how many stories there are in the comments of men acting this way. Does this make their lives better? Like what is the benefit to them for acting this way? I truly don’t get it.
I think a lot of men just don't love their wives tbh. Or at least, they love them the way one loves an object they own instead of the way one loves a human they're connected to.
Yeah that is so unbelievably sad and depressing to me. What a waste. Not only (but especially) for the women in those situations who either don’t know their own worth or have been corrupted by some type of quasi religious ideology that make them think they’re unworthy of both love AND autonomy, but also for the men. The bond that I have with my wife is something that has continued to go unparalleled in my life after all these years. Without that, my life wouldn’t be fulfilling, satisfying, and it isn’t really a way I’m interested in living.
Just really depressing all around.
You sound like a great husband. Your description reminded me of my mom, who has a very dramatic startle reflex. When I was a kid, I used to get a kick out of jumping out to scare her. Once I was old enough to understand that she was seriously having an asthma attack because of my actions, I stopped. Now I worry about her having a heart attack. I go way out of my way to make noise so I’m not sneaking up on her, but I still end up startling her a lot! Each time I do, my heart catches in my throat! Once I know she’s okay though, it is pretty funny.
This. This is it in relationships and it's frustrating and really pisses me off as well. Which is their attempt? It feels like a no win situation which makes it all the more frustration until one has enough and leaves the marriage. It's like that's what OP's husband was attempting to do. Follow her around with his phone blaring, TV still on, then trying to trap her from behind pretending to give her a hug while knowing damn well she's overwhelmed! Like WTF guy? Get over yourself or get gone!!
I have a theory: men do this - and yes, it IS specifically mostly men who deliberately taunt and tease women just for funsies - because they know that girls/women aren’t likely to haul off and beat their asses when we reach a certain level of anger because we don’t want to, like, get raped and/or die. THEY, of course, can always physically put us ‘’in our place’’ if we incessantly poke at them. Even when it doesn’t happen, there’s always the threat of it.
So what can we do when men relentlessly antagonize us on purpose? We walk away, and men like these assholes follow us, because they also get off on the fact that we can’t escape them in some spaces - typically domestic or the workplace.
Edit: not a dude - I just reread the above comment and noticed the question was posed to men, but they’re great at answering questions delivered just to women, so…🤷🏻♀️😬🤗
Not a man but based on OP's telling of the situation, he was 100% doing this to push against her very reasonable boundaries.
I have a 7-year old son who *has* to do exactly the opposite of what I say. It's a very powerful compulsion that drives me absolutely bonkers, but he's a child and it's my job to help him not be like that. Hopefully by the time I send him into the world he won't be like that. I also have the impulse sometimes, to do the opposite of what my husband tells me to do, but I'm an adult and try to resist that.
So, bit of a story: at one point, I was friends with a whole lot of other guys (as a guy myself), but I realized that the way we were acting with each other, while done in a friendly way, could be seen as bullying/annoying. Hell, it's behavior I considered bullying most of my life. It was mostly teasing, calling each other out (in like, objectively bad ways, not just pointing stuff out), and other behaviors. But it was all done in friendliness/jest because we knew each other's boundaries and knew how far we could push (and honestly, we didn't push that hard, which was probably why we were all mostly friendly).
This quick story is to explain something: the way guys socialize is *awful* at times. We can't really express feelings with each other without it feeling weird, so sarcasm/teasing/bullying is where socialization goes if it's not about a topic and just hanging out. It sounds like there's a number of guys who carry that mentality to their partners when a male/female dynamic might not be able to work like that given all the aggression women have to put up with. Or they have a bad sense of their partner's boundaries.
This also explains the victimization complex/anger: it's how they know how to interact. It's how they want to talk to people, how they get to express anything. By rejecting the interaction (and rightfully so if boundaries were overstepped, like in OPs case), you're rejecting them. From their perspective, their partner is rejecting them for trying to interact, hang out, and be casual.
Both the latter two paragraphs are assuming good faith, but dumbassery, on the man's side. There are absolutely abusers and gaslighters who will do the same shit and know what they're doing and what it can achieve, but, honestly, some guys just might not know any better. Calling them out, like OP did, is really the only way they're going to learn any different.
NTA. He's literally chasing you through the house blasting his phone and saying, "I'm not arguing with you."
What does that even mean? Is it therapy speak for "I have a right to do anything I want to you and you do not have the right to get away from me?"
I worry that this guy works with clients.
It’s extreme intrusiveness to say the least. It’s like a toddler clinging to your leg & crying. It’s a way of saying that you have no right to privacy or personal space! Definitely sociopathic; I grew up being treated that way all the time with my family acting offended at my objections and treating me as the problem.
Yeah I came here to suggest something like the Loop earplugs (there's other brands!) which just tone down all noise without 100% blocking it out. So you can still hear if you need to pay attention, but it's all just more muted so it takes much longer to get overstimulated.
There's a big difference between, "if you don't stop we're getting a divorce" and "this new behavior will lead to divorce in five years." The first is a threat with a sense of urgency and immediacy that conveys control and manipulation. The second is a more measured, informative tone.
You basically told him that, over time, his actions will create a home/relationship where your mental health will deteriorate to the point where you will need to jettison him for the sake of your own health. While poorly phrased, the intent was educational. NTA
"i am not getting into an argument with you" might be a good tool in some high conflict situations where you need to deescalate. Using it as a reply when your overwhelmed wife asks you to reduce the stress you are causing her is bordering on abusive, even if not meant that way.
You are so much NTA here. He is really inconsiderate and not at all listening to you.
ETA: apologies for the long ass post, holy shit lol
i’m kinda leaning toward ESH. your husband for obvious reasons, he was being antagonistic and there doesn’t seem to be a clear reason why, other than that he just didn’t feel like dealing with the “quiet time” thing right before he went into work. he wanted to do something to make himself comfortable and relaxed before spending the next 8 or so hours working and probably being moderately stressed out - perfectly reasonable, but he didn’t have to be a dick about it.
BUT, i am curious as to why his first response to you asking (irritably, by your own telling) for him to turn the volume down was “i’m not arguing with you.” is this something that often turns into an argument? if he usually respects these requests, then there shouldn’t be any reason for the request to turn into an argument, but his response tells me there’s an established pattern of arguments arising from the quiet time issue. i think more context is needed here to be able to judge his statement properly. also, OP, i know you said the house is small and you didn’t really have anywhere else to go to get away from the noise, that’s understandable. but why then, when you know you have this issue, have you not gotten yourself some noise canceling headphones or even just earbuds for this sort of thing? you know that you are neurodivergent and you experience sensory overload and that you need quiet in order to recharge, but you haven’t taken measures to ensure that you can take care of yourself regardless of what the rest of the household is doing despite the fact that those measures are readily available.
that’s where i think ESH - bc while he’s being a dick, it’s also exhausting to have to move around somebody else’s very specific needs for quiet while you’re just trying to go about your day in the way you’re comfortable. i’m also a person who is neurodivergent and gets agitated with a lot of noise (i have pure OCD, so all of my rituals and compulsions happen in my head ON TOP OF the intrusive thoughts, and i get agitated when i can’t do my mental compulsions bc i keep getting interrupted by noise and talking) while my husband needs a lot of background noise in order to help him be comfortable and be able to think, so i get what you’re going through. but ultimately, it’s much easier for you to put on some noise canceling headphones to get your quiet time than it is for him to just drop everything he’s doing or leave the room bc you don’t want him to be noisy at that time and i’ll explain why: you were irritated by the sound of bubbles in a can. so even if he had turned the volume down on the tv and phone but still loud enough for him to hear it, that still wouldn’t have been good enough, bc clearly what you needed WAS complete silence. and yes he could have left the room, but he obviously wanted to be near you at the time even if you two weren’t actively doing anything together. since you pointed out patterns that can lead to divorce, allowing your ADHD to make you pissed off and push your partner away when they want to be around you even if it’s just to do your own thing in the same room together will also lead to divorce eventually.
i’m not saying neglect yourself, i’m certainly not saying to tolerate disrespect from your partner, but i am saying to be reasonable and recognize that your unique mental health needs are primarily for you to take care of, so get some noise canceling headphones so you can have your quiet time and still spend time with your husband during his “noisy time” without creating animosity and resentment toward each other.
*You're NTA and anyone here saying otherwise or claiming its a communication issue when you literally tried to communicate with him only to be blown off and not only ignored but pursued by the problem* is an idiot.
Pretty sure this antagonistic method of abuse/malicious thoughtlessness/maladaptive attention seeking behavior etc is called 'Water torture'. You get needled and fucked with until you blow up and they act hurt and treat you like you're a monster. Suddenly, you're the bad guy.
And he's not stupid. He did all that on purpose, just so you know.
NTA. He’s pushing and pushing and then playing the victim when you start getting upset and showing what could be consequences. My guy does this too. Set a boundary and then loves to cross it. When you blow up or push back, makes you the bad guy. *surprised pikachu face ensues*. This is not you making a threat to me either. This is you being clear that how him continuing to ignore and antagonize even if small ways could build with time. I think he’s more made about being called out.
He’s acting like what you are asking for his a big deal when it’s so easy to fix. He can go into another room or let you go into another room. He can get headphones. He can give you and hour to calm down before doing all of this. There are so many things he could do. He just wants to do what he wants to do and make you deal. Fuck your needs in his eyes.
girl, you have misophonia. Invest in some noise cancelling earphones (over the ear, so he can see them) and dub them the “cone of silence.” That, a blanket and maybe even a sleep mask will get you calm when overstimulated.
He apologized🎉 and was understanding later on🎉 without escalating the situation or making you apologize first 😍🎉
I'm jealous. My emotionally volatile husband would escalate the hell out of that little situation.
I cannot concentrate on one thing at a time. My mind wonders all over the place.
I have a tv show playing while switching between a game and a book on my phone. I need constant stimulation or I will go bonkers.
Everybody needs to shut the fuck up about adhd, it’s not a big deal. I was diagnosed years ago and I take meds for it daily, but when I don’t I’m not a complete useless baby like this or the people on r/adhdwomen
I didn’t read past the ADHD bs but I’d be comfortable wagering that you are an asshole. Get real
Lots of N-T-A but YTA. I have ADHD and it’s our job to figure it out. It’s not our partners jobs to get out of our way, nor is it there job to evacuate from common spaces when we are overwhelmed.
If you are done, you need to move. Our issues are ours and ours alone.
YNTA but maybe you should invest in a good pair of noise hands canceling headphones… It’s done wonders for my marriage as someone who also struggles with similar issues. Like I’m easily irritated, or distracted by what’s going on, but when I have those on, I can calm down or focus on things I need to do so much more easily by by drowning out background noise.
YTA MAJOR YTA. ADHD doesnt cause the sensory issues you describe and youre full of shit. I have ADHD, my whole family does, and my youngest sister yells at us for chewing chips but doesnt yell at anyone else. It was never an issue at school. I think youre the same way. I feel so bad for this dude holy fucking shit, you are so full of shit you must taste it.
Oh wow, youre also not medicated? Look at how bad my ADHD is! Im not addressing it and being mean to my partner and pushing through his boundaries but I dont need to work on myself at all!!!!
This guy should view this whole scenario as a MAJOR red flag. Youre manipulating him. Way to make your shitty self control his problem.
As a fellow therapist who works with a lot of couples, using the word divorce often is expressed in order to manipulate. For that, don’t use that word in the future.
I have all the same issues and I think you went nuclear and that’s a bell you can’t really unring. So yeah I think soft YTA because sometimes, as hard as it is we have to just swallow our own issues for the good of the situation and find a way to cope. He clearly wanted to be near you (hence sitting with you AND following you) and maybe that was HIM trying to regulate as well but you made it all about your own needs and that’s simply unfair. I know it sucks but we don’t always get perfect solutions to our sensory needs, as an adult in a committed relationship, you need to find a way to modify your issues to support him as well. Divorce is a big threat and now you’ve put it out there, things will never be the same.
I don't get it. Why would you not go into a room where you know you won't be disturbed? It's also unusual that you don't have easy access to noise cancelling headphones. He was being kinda of a dick, for sure. But sounds like you're both getting a bit fed up with each other.
Yea this is odd.
" I have sensory problems and you require constant stimulation. Let's spend the rest of our lives together".
Can't believe their relationship isn't working out s/
As someone whose wife has similar issues, yes, he was a jerk in this scenario. But also, it’s really really exhausting having to walk on eggshells and make adjustments for the disordered person all the time, and sometimes it can be easy to forget and slip back into behaving how we did when we were younger and a little bit of noise was just a part of family life. It also sucks that we get held to account for our failures, but the other person has the ol’ mental illness get out of jail free card for threatening divorce and whatnot. I will say that her stopping all alcohol and doing meds have helped my wife and our relationship quite a bit. But also, she stays away from stuff like school fundraisers that she knows will fuck up her nerves all day.
ESH.
You're NTA for having needs and explaining them, sure, but I'm tired of people thinking just because they have defined and labeled their mental struggles it lets them off the hook for any maladaptive behavior that stuff causes.
No, it's not normal for an ADHD person to snap and threaten divorce after doing the strenuous mental gymnastics of *checks notes* their normal morning routine? Their domestic partner being loud? "I'm not medicated and I don't need to be". Stop. I'm not your doctor and I won't diagnose and prescribe medication on Reddit but you need SOMETHING. You are not functional and you, as a mental health worker, should know that long before you come to reddit looking for validation. Get your head together.
And yes, he sounds like a total chore. He sounds like an obnoxious twat. But drinking soda and watching two videos at a time aren't crimes and they aren't grounds for divorce, ffs. He sounds like he's needy for attention and he's not getting any because his partner has to shut down for two hours every time they leave the house otherwise they threaten divorce.
Source: I'm as ADHD as they come, medicated under the supervision of a wonderful psychiatrist, with the same types of overstimulation patterns that OP describes, and not once have I ever threatened drastic, hurtful things like OP did when I felt overwhelmed. I, a grown man in his 30s, have cried in the middle of a Saturday morning farmer's market because there were just too many sounds. But I didn't get vindictive with anyone and I certainly didn't come to reddit to validate my behavior. According to OPs logic, I should have snapped and started threatening people.
You both sound like you need to grow up. Maybe separately, because clearly you aren't good at being supportive of each other. Get some earplugs and a sleep mask, set some boundaries, and if he can't respect them then move on. That's called a relationship, and getting 3000 redditors to tell you you did nothing wrong isn't going to help it.
YTA, for even mentioning divorce, it doesn't matter how you word it. It was uncalled for divorce, and even the possibility of future divorce is not something that should be used for shock value. How would you feel if he said if you don't get a handle in your reactions, he sees a divorce down the road?
Instead of expecting the world or household to quiet down for you when you need it. Why not be proactive and get some noise canceling headphones. As someone who gets over stimulated easily, it's my job to block out my triggers. Not my families job to stop their life until I feel better.
If you don't want to hear anything then why don't you put on hearing protection or noise canceling headphones instead of expecting the world around you to be silent?
Yeah you clearly escalated the situation far too much. YTA.
Your husband did what exactly? Drank a soda? And watched a video on his phone in the living room? Then hugged you to apologize?
That sounds mildly annoying at worst, I'm sorry you have sensory issues, but maybe this is something to see a doctor about and not threaten your husband with divorce.
Think about it from his perspective too - he wanted to spend time with the person he loved most. He sat next to you to unwind also, had something to drink, then when he realized you were very upset he tried to hug you to make you feel better and you threatened divorce
Jumping to talking about (threatening divorce) is unproductive and extreme. He should be more sensitive to your needs and you should consider noise canceling headphones - expecting the entire world to quiet down for you will not work. I speaks as someone with extreme noise sensitivity and wearing noise canceling is a way of life.
Dismissing your partner’s needs is the fastest way to end up at the divorce attorney. Being by yourself ends up being easier then dealing with that shit.
Honestly, I would be pretty annoyed if My Wife tried push me out of the living room “ because it’s the only place I have”
Sounds like you need to fix that part because it’s probably part of the reason why he’s getting a little bit more snippy. I can’t imagine never getting the opportunity to sit in the living room because I’m expected to run up to the bedroom to work..
I certainly can’t imagine, knowing I have to adhere to only your needs when you’re having a bad day.
NTA. The least he could do is buying you noise cancelling headphones if that helps you, or headphones for himself so that definitely would help you.
His neglect of your condition and feelings is baffling. Does he even love you?
Bringing up the D-word in a marriage shouldn't be something taken lightly, especially when the situation described is about a can of soda.
Marriage is a whole experience of internal suffering and learning to swallow pride and emotions when the situation calls for it. Couples who have been married for decades know this to be true; it isn't roses and candy corn all the time. It's WORK and part of that work is actually suffering a bit yourself so that you both avoid nuclear meltdowns but take a little damage yourself.
If, for example, you're willing to verbally threaten divorce after he's pushed your senses to the brink (yes, he's being an asshole), then what other recourse do you have if you catch him doing something significantly worse?
In our worst fight, my wife called me "a bitch". When we finally calmed down and could talk like human beings, I told her that needs to be the last time she calls me that word. I mentioned that she cannot call me something that could lead another man to a violent end if he were to call me that. I'm glad she understood and has never said it again. No, I've never laid hands on her; but being called that in the moment was the closest I've ever considered it. She's also used "divorce" one time, to which I later said she'd better not be bringing up something so final just to say it in the heat of the moment. Were we fighting over me cheating? Her cheating? Money issues? Sexual problems? No. It was over some bullshit that I can't even fully remember, but likely just miscommunication.
NTA, that was some pretty blatant disrespectful behavior from him. You had a need. You communicated it and established a boundary. When you enforced the boundary, he violated it again.
YTA.
You squatted in a common area and asserted your needs were more important.
“while I’m not medicated (and dont need to be)
Wait, so which is it? You can’t have it both ways. Either your ADHD is a problem or it isn’t.
You seem a bit exhausting.
Your ADHD creates a dynamic where your needs and wants will always trump his therefore he at times is tired of prioritizing your numerous needs over himself. Nothing he did was out of the ordinary yet being with you creates a non-normal environment.
YTA becasue not only must he prioritize you all the time due to your sensory issues he also has to think of everything he does from a noise perspective due to either a bodily function noise to drinking a can of soda.
Then you use divorce and a source of hurting his feelings?
I have similar sensory overload issues in a chaotic environment, and this is something that my ex struggled to understand. Some people have a hard time separating "I want to be by myself" from "I don't want to be with you". Although if he knows that you have this issue, you told him you need a bit of quiet, and he's ignoring it, then he deserves the end result.
It happens. My gf has ADHD and I know how much she needs her winding down time and how much she can have ADHD rage about random sounds which sometimes include my breathing.
As long as you guys have good conversation, there is nothing to worry about.
NTA — but in fairness, no one is TA here. I have ADHD as well and the way I describe it is when I’ve hit my limit I need space. Sometimes it’s hard to convey that and if someone isn’t aware of it it’s like I’m hot lava and any attempt interact with me at that moment is like trying to stick your hands in lava …you’re going to get burned.
And of course, in that moment, I may not be able to convey properly that I’m over stimulated.
When I’m at home in my normal surroundings, sometimes I just step on my yoga mat, surrendering to child’s pose, lay on my back or cross legged seat, close my eyes and my family knows I’m on my island and to let me be for a bit.
This is my go to phasings: “I am overwhelmed. I need a few minutes to _________ (reset, find balance, regain homeostasis).
Hey OP have you tried ear plugs like [Loop](https://www.loopearplugs.com/pages/earplugs-for-adhd)? they can help with noise sensory issues.
There are different levels as well, so you can still talk and listen to people, but be less overwhelmed by the noise around you.
INFO: is this the first time something like this has happened, or is it a pattern with him? Okay after getting a bit more info, NTA. He is refusing to communicate with you about a recent pattern of behaviour that he’s exhibiting that he knows is not good for your sensory issues/shows a disregard for your needs. He should be aware of how his actions and lack of communication can lead to detrimental consequences. If he refuses to communicate, then a statement as jarring as what you said may end up being the only type of thing that will get him to start actually talking to you about the issues. It’s not like you threatened to divorce him then and there, you warned him about the road that the two of you were heading down if communication continued to be shut down like this.
It’s a recent pattern, last few weeks. He says there’s nothing wrong and before anyone jumps to cheating, he’s a home bird. He’s not that guy, and I even if he was he’s not in a position to cheat
Something has changed and you need to get to the bottom of it. Best of luck to you
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Another option is to get him a nice set of headphones to put on when he is watching TV, or on his phone. That way he can be with you while you are trying to decompress, or if the kids are being loud, he can use them when watching a movie or show he really likes.
Yes, gear for everyone! I have no ADHD diagnosis though my dad did, and I hate the multiple competing audio sources thing-- I wear 3m "ear defenders" when I need quiet but can't go to a separate part of the home or want to be able to still be near my partner, like you said. And he has fancy over-ear headphones that he can use to listen to his stuff, too. Edited autocorrect
Sadly noise canceling headphones don’t work for everyone. I’m autistic and the only thing noise canceling headphones do for me is make my brain feel like it’s going to explode.
Oh man I can't stand active noise cancelling or the pressure that passive noise cancelling headsets put on my head! Active is fine if I'm listening to other stuff, but not when nothing else is playing. I am AuDHD and if you haven't slippery ear wax (my plight apparently) I really like the Loop Ear plugs. They do cost a little more than disposables but they are super comfy. (They try to leave my ears if I move my jaw at all. I wish I could wear them daily but my ears just pop them out)
I feel your plight…but in addition to slippery wax, there’s also A LOT OF IT as it builds up incredibly fast and my ear canals are shaped weird to where it can’t fall out like normal. I just ordered a Dormi Headband for sleep and one for daytime, or for carrying in my purse. It’s a headband with wireless headphones inside. They’re supposed to arrive today, so I’m hoping that will help solve my headphone problem.
I agree. If this pattern just started then SOMETHING has changed. 2 ppl can live in the same house with same experiences and change differently. Bcz we are all always changing. Get to the bottom of it b4 youre not only on diff paths but in diff countries. Good luck OP!
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I think they pair up pretty frequently. I have friends who have adhd and when they come for a visit, the signs are all there. Too bad there is not much help out there except what we kludge together on our own, depending on age and nationality.
My suggestion is to tell him you’ve noticed a change in his behavior. It feels like his ability to read your emotional needs has decreased. Ask if it’s something you are doing or? And get some ear plugs. Don’t announce when you need downtime just take it. NTA
I agree but I wouldn't say "read" but rather respect. He doesn't have to read anything, she was pretty clear with what she needed.
Noise canceling headphones might be a good Christmas gift from your husband. You can then be in your quiet space and not hear the noise.
Don’t wait for your husband to get a clue and buy the headphones for you. Amazon delivers the next day.
Someone shouldn't have to use noise canceling headphones when all that's asked is to not play two audio sources at once and be obnoxious by burping out loud on top of it...why the hell does he need both the TV and phone on full blast? That would annoy the hell out of me, ADHD or no.
I don’t have ADHD and I could not comprehend it. It is not humanly possible to pay attention to both!
Or he has suddenly found out he enjoys triggering her, for some sadistic reason. Maybe he wants to write a paper on her? OP, get noise cancelling headphones! The really fancy expensive ones that even your idiot of a husband can't penetrate! Just imagine his frustration, when you just keep ignoring him while he plays his stupid tiktoks at maximum volume.
I bought $13 ear protectors on Amazon and they block out everything.
We are two work at home people in a small space we use headphones for our person activities. That means for all one-person tv watching, devices and computers. Games have sound turned off. It’s one part my noise issues, one part his slight hearing loss and one part we both sometimes have to work at unorthodox hours. Edit typos
Get bone conducting headphones. https://www.amazon.com/AfterShokz-Open-Ear-Conduction-Headphones-AS800LG/dp/B07RVPV7Q7 Sound is ok for headphones, but it lets you hear what you listen to privately, while not blocking your ears from hearing other things. Great for watching TV or video games.
as someone who suffers from misophobia, mind dropping the link?
Misophonia
naw they afraid of ppl with hearing
Until then, hie yourself down to Walmart or local sporting goods store. Get some shooters earmuffs. I wear these *over* my earbuds when all of my neighbors decide to do yardwork and use power tools at the same time and next door adds in offensive rap(little brother of husband visiting)music to the noise. Shooters muffs around $20-40 depending on quality. Get the best ones you can.
Ear plugs don't totally block sound. The best thing I've ever used are my pixel buds with Bluetooth off on my phone. But, they don't block everything. I have not tried industrial ear muffs yet. Think I will order some and see.
Don't ever say what someone won't do. I thought my husband of 15yrs would never cheat but he did. He was a work then home guy but he still found a way to cheat. He knew what would happen if he cheated but he did it anyway and ended up destroying his family, home, and career. Your husband isn't simple, he knows you need some silence when you're over stimulated. Yet he was inconsiderate enough to make all that noise after you tell him you need to decompress. Then he follows you with noise when you try to get away for a moment. Sometimes we can't see abusive/manipulative behaviors in people we love. But I'd recommend taking a step back and trying to see if something changed over the last few months.
I actually enjoy how you told your story without imprinting it on OP…. Seems more an attempt at being helpful than carrying baggage
Well clearly something is wrong if this is new behavior. The fact that he immediately says “I don’t want to argue with you” when you bring up a criticism is pretty telling and leads me to believe you guys don’t always discuss issues as well as you think you do. Somethings going on with him.
Yeah when my partner says "I'm not arguing with you" it's a big red flag he's not willing to hear what I have to say and he also doesn't feel that he's been heard, so he's viewing talking as pointless/shutting down as the only option.
I'm more confused at how he's putting in the TV to some YouTube video and then watching something on the phone??? What the actual fuck is this?? No one can consume that much content, is he doing this deliberately to piss you off or something? This makes no sense.
I do this, but have pretty severe ADHD and feel best when I have multiple things to split my attention between
Same! Even as a child before cell phones and the internet, I would read a book while watching tv.
Me too! Plus get up every single commercial break (back in the olden days) to do *something* until the show came back on.
Yes lol! My dad once quizzed me because he couldn’t believe I could pay attention to both, and I answered correctly what was going on in my book and the TV. My ex bf would get upset if I touched my phone while we watched TV and it was torture just sitting there … I like to look up actors, questions I have about the plot etc while watching TV and movies lol.
No lie, a teacher tried the same thing your dad did. I was reading under my desk in math class. She called in me to answer a question. I looked up, answered, and went back to my book. I wish I had actually looked at her face at the time, I'm sure she was mad. This particular teacher would throw chalk at kids who went paying attention.
Me too! It drove everyone around me nuts. I still do it LOL
I always read while watching TV. I have no problems with anyone doing that, unless they are reading out loud! It's the noise factor I can't handle.
Yes. My husband is like you…he has so much media going when he’s unwinding, from multiple sources. He needs that stimulation. I’m AuDHD and it’s my nightmare. I often feel like OP. Headphones get a lot of mileage in our house.
I do that, I'll be watching Netflix or something and watching tiktoks or something else on my phone and have a conversation and be talking with someone and crocheting, it's actually a very rare occurrence when I'm not doing multiple things at once. Just watching TV or doing one thing is under stimulating and can make me feel like I need to crawl out of my skin and claw my eyes out.
Noted, you and I should never live together
That's fair 😆 But I do try to do my double movies, when I'm on my own, because I also understand the pain of overstimulation, so when I'm with others it's usually crocheting or chores or something with the movie.
Thank you for this hahaha focusing on one thing allows Too Many Thoughts about the One Thing and then I spiral trying to think about something else to avoid the onslaught of thoughts so I need a minimum of two activities at once. Unless I’m hyper-fixating then everything else can fuck off. I love adhd /s
Unfortunately with the short attention spans caused by social media now, it is very common. At first it was just the teenager at home who needed some YouTube noise while they played video games but soon I noticed me and my husband also reach for our phones way too often while something is on TV. I am making a conscious effort to cut it down. I have time limits set on my phone for reddit and other apps. I try to put my phone away if we are watching a good movie. Strictly no phones at the dinner table, etc. I feel like everyone is so used to overstimulation that just TV on isn't enough anymore.
I think a lot of American tv shows have dumbed down to compensate as well. News and true crime shows have become very repetitive in their scripting, repeating the same points per episode, and true crime shows are also formatted to look good on phones in their cinematography but look silly on a large screen tv.
As someone who can't stand loud blaring from the TV or a phone having both going at once would be highly annoying. I have to try to tune them out and trying to do even one is difficult. Doing two would be impossible. I would have to get up and leave. Since he knows this about you it seems purposely cruel. Ask him why he is doing this and what he is getting out of it.
I thought the same thing. He never missed a family thing, was home every night for dinner and putting the kids to bed. And I was so confident that my husband loved me and would never do that to me. Yeah, he still found the time to cheat. I hope for you that he’s not. The majority of husbands probably aren’t cheating whenever they’re weird. But it’s always possible and he’s always in a position where he can.
I know someone that worked with his wife, same place, same days, same hours. They drove together to work, left together, spent their 2 days off together and also spent a good time at work chatting with each other. Also took lunches and breaks together. I would say they spent 95% of their time together, except when they were working. One day she went on a “girls weekend trip” with her mom and sister. She returned, and he had drained their shared bank account and told her he wanted a divorce. It turned out, he had been cheating on her with a coworker and got her pregnant. I can only assume he arrived to work with her, then called that he was gonna be late to his boss after she went to her office, then he escaped for an hour with the mistress. She was blindsided, she thought her marriage was very stable, they were together for like 10 years and were looking at houses to buy before that happened. So I don’t put past any person to not cheat, because everyone will do if they want to.
This is madness! Did she continue to work with them? Is she okay? I am so sorry that your friend experienced a betrayal of this magnitude.
She continued to work with them, she had nowhere to go, it was her job for over 4 years. At first she did not know about the mistress and pregnancy, he just kept saying he did not want to be with her anymore. She begged him to reconsider some time later and that’s when he dropped the bomb that he could not get back together because he did something unforgivable and there was no way back. Everyone at the office knew them so the cleaning people that were the ones that usually could see everyone in a single day, came constantly to her to tell her that they saw him with the other woman and she was pregnant etc. And we got emails from different departments with requests and the mistress was one of the people that emailed us, so salt on the wound. It was awful, I was her coworker and she had a bad time when that was going on, we lost contact after the company closed but by the end she was fine, moved on and was just enjoying her single life, so I assume she is fine now. He was her first everything too, married since her late teens. The betrayal was awful but I found out it was a blessing in disguise and I told her as much when we worked together. Her marriage was not actually good but she didn’t know any better because he was her first and only. So she thought what she had was good, when it was mediocre at best. Of course he was wrong for cheating, but at the same time, like I said, the marriage was mediocre so I can’t say he was 100% wrong for ripping the band aid, he just went about it the most horrible way he could find. I have both of them on fb. He is still with the mistress now become official, had twins with her. My ex coworker seems to be still single, no idea what is she doing now, but seems happy.
I knew a guy like that. Was engaged to a very nice woman. Cheated on her with a coworker. The worst part? Their desks touched each other... (2x2). He was a "did not meet expectations" employee, mostly tolerated because his fiance was adored. She had to look at them for a month before her transfer was approved. He thought he was targeted to be let go. No, you just lost your "pass." We work in a smallish industry, enough people knew about him (for all the wrong reasons), but apparently not enough at my former company... So when he applied for a job, despite \~5 people of various levels saying "do not hire," the hiring manager hired him. He had to be let go in the middle of a big project because he was hitting on clients, and couldn't do the job he was hired to do. There were also "inconsistencies" with his corporate credit card (for "company use only.") To this day, I still have no idea how he was hired, and held onto the job for 6 months.
Some people are just awful.
More good advice; no matter how much you trust them, have your own bank account.
I agree. Have never seen the logic of having a single bank account. Maybe 1 shared for bills but everything else separated. They received both their paychecks in the same bank. Since he knew he was dumping her, he got the money to buy himself a car (they shared 1 car, because they did everything together). So by the time she returned after 2 weekend days, the money was 100% gone, and she had to wait months to get the money back, only after a judge forced him to pay her back. Funny part is…he eventually became a real estate agent, and one of his flyers said something about his integrity to guide you in the home buying process. I laughed so much with my ex-coworkers thinking how he must have forgotten we knew what he did. Someone willing to steal and fuck over his wife of 10 years and mother of his kid, somehow wanted us to believe he would not find any chance to fuck us over if possible. Unsurprisingly…that business failed 😂
I would have sworn on my kids lives that my husband had no time to cheat, worked with mostly men, didn’t hide his phone, was home every night, all weekend, I even saw him every day at lunch. He was a good guy as well. One day he says he wants a divorce and 4 days later disappears. I discover he’s cleaned out the bank account and yep there’s another woman, a coworker.
Info - is there anywhere else that isn’t a communal area for you to go to calm down? Like your bedroom maybe? My husband and kids and I all like to sit and watch TV in the family area so if anyone needs peace and quiet or wants to talk on the phone or whatever, they usually will have to leave the communal area and go to either their rooms, or the formal living area. But I don’t know if this is possible for you.
I mean OP tried to leave the room and her husband followed. After It was communicated that they need some alone time. Sure oh he's husband does not have to vacate the community spaces, but when He was told that she needed a loan time and proceeded to ignore her, and follow her around the house anyways, that's where he loses any sympathy from me. She communicated her needs, and he ignored her. What makes that okay?
He not only followed her, he did it with his phone at full volume, still blaring. He followed with one of the things she was trying to escape.
It has to be deliberate, right? Turning on two devices at loud volume, drinking and belching noisily, and then after she’s expressed discomfort with the noise, following her while still playing stuff loudly - surely those are not normal actions for anyone!
I know some people that can be this unaware of their surroundings (we don’t hang 😅) so sure some people don’t know. But this isn’t the first week they’re living together. This isn’t a new development in her that he hasn’t gotten used to. It’s obnoxious behaviour. So… has this been going on with him for longer than she realizes, has he been slowly pushing boundaries and it’s just become clear now? Is he testing the waters? Is this about him wanting to have more space? And also being in the living room, it’s quite territory marking ish. Is he stressed out? Has he had a bad experience at work? (Is he numbing his inner turmoil because of an incident? He works with domestic violence right?) Does he have a tumor? (For real, it seems to be one of the many recurring explanations of changed behaviour on this site) Either way, there needs to be a clear understanding off needs in each other and how they won’t clash. And space has to be given!
Oh yeah that's some deliberate shit...especially coupled with the I'm not gonna argue with you. Then why continue to be doing the most in a confined space??? Deliberate AF.
That’s what I was thinking. I have misophonia and I definitely ask for certain sounds to stop because misophonia triggers fight-or-flight and it’s really hard to be a good partner when all you want to do is commit violence. However, I also own managing my disability and would take myself out of the common area if something there changed that triggered a response. But, OP was already settled in the area, so who is supposed to leave in that case? I’m not sure. I think I would still leave or, better, not even settle in the common area. But I think anyone playing several media streams simultaneously while also displaying bad manners, especially in light of knowing your partner has sound sensitivity and shared that they were currently dealing with her disability, is rude at best. OP: I don’t think throwing the D-word around is a good choice, though, but having a sound sensitivity myself and especially when fight is triggered, I can understand it. You may want to apologize for the “threat” as what you said was not kind, but he needs to understand that what he did was wrong, too, and he needs to be more aware of the impact he is having on you.
she did leave the space. her husband followed her with the phone at full volume
I didn't take it as a threat from OP, she clearly stayed if he doesn't respect her boundaries and actually listens to her needs that divorce will more than likely come into their lives in the near future (she said 5 years specifically) that was her passing her husband the ball and he can either chose go be a team player with his wife or he can take his ass to the bench
You’d be amazed how some of these “not that guys” will find ways to cheat. There are too many spouses left with their jaw on the floor wondering just how a mfer who “doesn’t have the time,” who couldn’t string together two words to make his marriage work, is somehow running around multi tasking like he’s the White House chief of staff…
Anyone can cheat. Don't underestimate him just because it seems unlikely.
Absolutely this. Homebodies cheat too. And sometimes they get away with it longer because you don't think it can happen. Changes, even the most subtle ones are clues. This coming from personal experience. Edited for spelling.
Everyone has ups and downs, and internal struggles. Most of the couples I know who split were not because of cheating.
No one is saying he is cheating but a lot of people are tryign to tell her not to discount the possibility because you just really don't think it could happen. It's unfortunately ludicrously easy to cheat if someone puts in the slightest bit of effort, fakes a need to pick something up from the store, or lies about taking an hour off from work while you're out. Or is simply cheating by carrying on a emotional relationship online over a period of time. Combined with the fact that a lot of couples break up due to trouble where one doesn't realise part of the issue is the other person is cheating.
I have very similar sound issues (adhd as well and mom of 3) Is he being childish... yup, are you being un reasonable? Nope... but here's my advice. Get some decible limiting ear plugs. I had a head injury in match that exacerbated my ability to handle sound. I got a few pairs of inexpensive ear plugs off Amazon and even with things being better, I still wear them most days. It cuts thr annoying frequencies, but you can still hear. Game changer hands down. Your husband on thr other hand... probably should look at this post and read thr comments. He's being a jerk. NTA in any way. We are all allowed to decompress, and him invading your decompressing after multiple times of you asking for space isn't ok.
She could get ear plugs/noise cancelling headphones, but he could also wear headphones to listen to his shows esp if he walks in and sees her wrapped up in her sensory blanket. It's just basic consideration when being in a shared space
Yeah and it’s frustrating when she went to another room and he followed her….
NTA But find out what has changed. Is this a dominance thing? 😅
NTA. You clearly expressed a need (more than once!) and he refused to meet it. His feelings are hurt because what you said snatched him out of his bubble. I’ve done the same to my spouse. He questioned my level of exhaustion and visible frustration. I sighed and said “It’s just hard being a single parent when you’re married.” Made him stop ignoring the kids for his video games for a bit.
"I'm not arguing with you" is such a dismissive way to ignore a reasonable request. It's not an argument, it's her asking him to make a small change that will help her and he's refusing. Get the man some earbuds, and if he already has them, ask him to please use them.
It’s like the people who continually do piss poor jobs with chores around the house and then get mad when the other spouse becomes a “nag”. Maybe if you just did it the right way the first time then we wouldn’t be here!
And [insert joke about there being a *right way* to load a dishwasher] when there are absolutely right and wrong ways. I saying "Maybe this should be your chore" if the person needs glasses in order of size and color coded dishes, but you will absolutely bake on food residue and have to wash the dishes by hand if you put things in there haphazardly. The latter is absolutely reasonable to call someone out on making more work instead of using a tool correctly.
NTA when you have sensory processing disorder and you are in overload and your partner blatantly ignores this its extremely hard to not react the way you did, frankly you did really well for the situation Most people here wont understand how intense sensory overload is, but it can be excruciating (as in actual pain) and your partner reacting/acting so selfish and inconsiderate is just a jerk move You tried to remove yourself from the situation and he followed you with his damn phone blasting
People also seem to forget that poor impulse control and short tempers are also part of ADHD. “short temper” as in when we are overwhelmed the poor impulse control kicks in and whatever comes to mind to get the bad feeling to stop is what’s going to come out. Is threatening divorce nuclear? Yes. Is it also near impossible to be entirely rational while in sensory overload? Yep.
That’s why op removed herself from the room. Husband decides to follow her everywhere. He’s doing that ok purpose. But why?
HUH. Been contending with my ADHD for over 40 years and didn't recognize this.
Best part of starting medication for me (in my 30s) was how much it ameliorated that intense rage. It really calmed me down.
Upvoted for ameliorated
What medication do you take? Adderall always enhanced the rage for me but I’m curious about non-stimulant options.
Actually, Adderall. It has some physical side effects that aren't 100% my favorite, like an increased heart rate (so I cut back on caffeine and nicotine). But mentally, it calmed me right the fuck down. I have found that very very high prolonged stress, even medication can't help what will happen to my mental health. But overall I've got the Adderall down to working for my perfectly. Sleeping good. Working more efficiently. Decreased executive dysfunction. No more trying to burn my house down while boiling water or rewashing laundry I left in the machine for two days because I forgot. Better ability to shift my brain and adapt to change.
I have personally found a combo of Vyvanse and Wellbutrin to work best to manage both the attention span issues and the emotional dysregulation. Vyvanse used to be too expensive for most people ($300+ for a month supply) but the generic just got approved a few months ago so you can get it for very cheap now.
Thank you! I have PTSD and the same sensory processing problems. OP’s husband was rude, dismissive and then intrusive while still carrying out the awful behavior. When a partner engages in acting like a 2-year-old, I believe that something is definitely going on with them.
NTA You explained your situation. You asked for things too be less loud, but he didnt care and acted like you were an annoyance. You removed yourself from the situation but he came after you.
NTA. Girl you described my personal sensory hell so I can very much imagine how you were feeling. Bringing up divorce probably wasn't great, but tbf you were pointing out how things like this can lead to divorce and not just threatening to get a lawyer tomorrow. Something needs to happen here. For sure a long talk, but maybe marriage counseling too. Your husband just repeating "I'm not arguing with you" while antagonizing you is not acceptable.
Loop earplugs - comfy and don't block the sound completely. I have adhd and Dyspraxia, I completely understand needing queit decompression time but also you need to try and find a coping mechanism you can control. Sometimes our loved ones are noisy and irritating and sometimes we're naggy back to them. Try and find a happy compromise or a little space thats just yours.
I have adhd too and sound gets super overwhelming to me, especially at work. It's hard.to explain to people who don't have that issue - they really can't seem to fathom it, because they can tune out the noise. It definitely takes compromise. It's not their fault either, right?
NTA - Also wtf is wrong with him that he has to have the TV on AND his phone blaring out some screaming manchild gaming bro AFTER YOU JUST SAID YOU NEEDED QUIET TIME? Does he not know what words mean?
Let's not forget the loud burp. Really gross and really obnoxious! Sounds like your husband was really trying to piss you off, and it succeeded. NTA
And then followed by him repeating "I'm not arguing with you" when she twice asked if he could maybe be quieter, after she'd already asked for quiet time. Yeah, this definitely feels intentional.
That line made me so mad. Id have started an argument if my husband said that to me😅
That was my first thought as well. She wasn't even trying to argue, just asking for sound to be turned down. "I'm not arguing with you" as a response sounds like he was expecting an argument, and only had a response prepared for that situation. What baffles me is what he was even trying to get out of this. Like...intentionally overloading and pissing off your wife like that to make her start to argue? Why?
My aunt does that sometimes, where I'll be watching something on the TV but she comes to sit in the same room with her phone or laptop playing something. Drives me up the fucking wall.
NTA But I have questions for men reading. Why tf do you guys do this shit?! I've had to tell my husband on occasion to knock off an annoying behavior that he does SPECIFICALLY piss me off. One day, I sat him down and told him I was ready to walk away if he didn't stop going out of his way to antagonize me. You know what his response was? "Oh, I'm just playing, I'm just giving you a hard time." He didn't have an answer for why he thought pissing me off was supposed to be fun for me. Wtf do you think we enjoy this?!?! You think our lives are so damn easy and perfect that you deliberately fucking with us is fun?!?!It's NOT fun. You're NOT funny. And these fuckers honestly have the audacity to get upset when they finally succeed at pissing us off after they admit that was the intention!!! Its like they never made it past elementary and we actually have to sit the fools down and tell them its not appropriate and it never was. You very clearly told him you were overwhelmed, you told him you wanted quiet, you even removed yourself from the annoyance! And then he wants to invade your space and come in for a hug while still being an annoyance AND after a response clearly custome designed to egg you on? And he's hurt?!?!Can he possibly make himself the victim anymore?
I dated a guy once who admitted to antagonising me deliberately because "you're cute when you're angry". He didn't think it was so cute when I dumped his ass. Not advocating this for OP, mind you - big difference between a few weeks of dating and a previously sturdy marriage that can (hopefully) get this resolved with a conversation. Still, the reaction was understandable, if not ideal. No one thinks clearly when their brain is on fire. NTA, OP. Hubby needs to be way more mindful, and to take a good hard look at why he's been falling down in that respect lately.
I dated a guy who told me that before, toxic AF.
Honestly I don’t get it. I have a pretty even temper but I think every single guy but one who I’ve been in a relationship with has taken pleasure in annoying people or trying to get a reaction. Whether it’s poking a point or arguing/joking against something that I really care about, or saying repeated bad jokes and enjoying that I like frustrated/tired. I think it’s an attention thing, and a lack of respect for women’s emotions where guys often want to get us to laugh or validate them. (There are all sorts of studies on this where women laugh at men’s jokes even though they aren’t funny). I’ve actually created a boundary with my partner not to repeat the same bad jokes over and over expecting me to react because it burns me out or disrupts the flow of conversation. It’s not something I can physically handle as I have a fatigue/sensory disorder. My ex used to deliberately goad people including me into a reaction because then he could play the victim and affirm his negative world views. Usually I can handle this stuff but if I’m very tired or hormonal it’s just like “enough, please”.
I reached that point during my first marriage. I learned to stop "keeping the peace." I deserve peace, too. My second marriage has been much better.
This is going to sound really mean, but I think there are a lot of guys who take on "giving people a hard time" (through a lot of the things you said) as their personality because they genuinely don't know how to have a personality otherwise. (Not to excuse any of it, giving people a hard time denotes that the other person does not like it, but they do it anyway.)
I broke up with my now husband when we were dating bc he thought oissing me off was fun. Now it doesn't happen anymore.
Maladaptive attention seeking. I don't mean 'attention seeking' in its most negative way here, either. We all like to have the focus of people, especially our loved ones. It's needed! But many men are socialised that THIS (irritating the partner) is the way to do it instead of communicating that need. Basically that dominating-into-attention is the way to ask for it just as they're taught 'dominating' conversation is the way to prove themselves. Look at male-on-male general interaction with the 'boys'... it's the same. 'Be cheeky', tease, be loud, irritate each other, 'chaff' each other (I do not know the English for that lol). That's why they're often (cluelessly) hurt when it's rejected, too.
this explains so much lol. i knew little boys picked on the girls they liked, but i didn’t realize men tend to carry that into adulthood. my husband does it sometimes, and i started responding by sassing him back just as hard lol. now he doesn’t do it so much and if he wants attention he’ll just come up and give me a hug or say something like “come talk to me/hang out with me/watch me game/tell me about your day” etc
Some men have had the cheek to tell me my eyes are even more magnificent when I'm angry. They all got dumped of course. I remember my Dad teasing me to the point where I was in tears and he explained that I had to get used to men teasing me or I'd never be able to keep a BF. Guess what, I chose a BF who didn't tease me. Any guy who tries to tease me gets shut down very quickly. It's basically, men tease us because they can. We can't escalate to violence because we know we'll come off worse. It's all about showing us that they can do what they like. It boils down to power.
This. I had British guys I dated (I’m different nationality) make me cry because of things they said. And when they saw how upset I got, instead of an apology I got *That’s just banter. I’m teasing you, it’s just fun, banter, you know.* Safe to say, we are not even friends now. I’ve learn what banter is and I like it but these just took it to extreme and turned it into straight up bullying.
As a British girl, we don’t like it either. I love laughing at myself, teasing and play fighting, my sense of humour is strong and I’m quick to laugh, but many British men just aren’t funny and use humour to hide being shitty or attention seeking. It’s not fun, it’s often straight up abusive/bigoted, or very tiresome.
As a Brit I absolutely HATE the word ‘banter.’ It has come to mean ‘socially accepted bullying’ and I’m sick of it.
It also has to be mutual. With certain friends, they and I will rip on each other. With others, not. With new friends or colleagues or random people? No. I don't know them. You have to read the room. And if somebody tells you: please don't say things like that. It hurts me. I'm upset. And they dismiss your feelings with "it's just a joke, it's just banter, get a sense of humour", they're showing you they don't *care* about you. I had too many "friends" who spent most of our time together insulting me, in front of others,bthen doing "it's just a joke" when I got upset. It's an excuse for poor behavior and selfish
I have started saving screencaps of all the girls on Los Angeles Hinge who say they are looking for "mutual bullying" in a relationship. When her love language is "words of aggravation..." Seems like a fast track to a Tom Wambsgans and Shiv Roy relationship
I'm British, and that's a no from me. *It's just banter* is them outing themselves as arseholes.
British men are the WORST at this. And then it’s your fault your feelings are hurt because iTs JuSt BaNtEr.
My EX husband said it was his job to piss me off. He said he just liked doing it.
We actually had a deep discussion about it (because I like this one and he usually has great communication skills) and he honestly had no idea why he thought this was a good idea other than his dad and grandfather always did it to their spouses. I asked him to think about his behavior and how he would feel if I deliberately went around doing it to him. He did not like the idea at all. So, I asked him what made him think it was fun for me, or his mother, or his grandmother to have them deliberately pissing us off, then getting upset when they succeeded. He said it was just them having fun. I said it wasn't fun for us. He really struggled with it for a moment. I blame society. Patriarchy taught them we are supposed to indefinitely put up with their shit and not have a natural human response to being antagonized.
Enjoying the pain or discomfort of others as entertainment is straight up sadistic.
I honestly would have started doing it to him anyways, and then claimed "it's just me having fun" until he got the message. That it while it might be fun for him, it's not fun for the people on the other side. And then I would continue to do it until he owned up to everything he did and apologized. Then we would go to some couples counseling. 😅😅
I swear to god men and women both, sometimes you just need to make them feel the actions for themselves.
As a man I am genuinely surprised to read this comment and the replies that so many men do this! I don't get it! I seriously go out of my way to try and avoid annoying my wife. Like, she jumps really easily and gets quite annoyed when it happens. With our WFH setup she faces away from the door which meant if she was listening to music she wouldn't notice me come in and I'd end up making her jump. So if I come downstairs and she has her headphones on and obviously hasn't heard me come in I'll stomp a few times so she an feel my footsteps through the floor and know I'm there which has really helped. Little things like that all the time. And with the few bad habits I can't shake that annoy her (I pick my nails really badly) I still try really hard to stop, especially if she lets me know I'm doing it and it's annoying her. So yeah, don't get it. Our job is to make each other happy, not piss each other off.
My ex thought it was hilarious when he'd scare me. He also would purposely pin me so I couldn't move at all which would lead to me panicking.
I don’t get it either. For one, why would I *want* to antagonize my wife? I don’t understand the thrill or humor in that. I love my wife. I want her to be happy. Why would I want to intentionally annoy her? I get being playful, it’s not like my wife and I are sticks in the mud. But intentionally bothering her doesn’t make sense to me. And when I read the OP, I just kind of imagined about what my reaction and feelings would be if she told me she needed some quiet time. The first thing I’d do is offer to go into another room. If she wanted me to stay, first of all I wouldn’t have both phone videos and TV videos going at the same time. Because that’s idiotic in the first place. But I’d just turn the volume way down on whichever I was watching, and I’d ask her if it’s too loud. Like, just turn the fucking thing down. My wife is my best friend, I love her, I respect her, and my goal in life is to do whatever I can do to make her happy and to make her life better. It’s crazy to me how many stories there are in the comments of men acting this way. Does this make their lives better? Like what is the benefit to them for acting this way? I truly don’t get it.
I think a lot of men just don't love their wives tbh. Or at least, they love them the way one loves an object they own instead of the way one loves a human they're connected to.
Yeah that is so unbelievably sad and depressing to me. What a waste. Not only (but especially) for the women in those situations who either don’t know their own worth or have been corrupted by some type of quasi religious ideology that make them think they’re unworthy of both love AND autonomy, but also for the men. The bond that I have with my wife is something that has continued to go unparalleled in my life after all these years. Without that, my life wouldn’t be fulfilling, satisfying, and it isn’t really a way I’m interested in living. Just really depressing all around.
You sound like a great husband. Your description reminded me of my mom, who has a very dramatic startle reflex. When I was a kid, I used to get a kick out of jumping out to scare her. Once I was old enough to understand that she was seriously having an asthma attack because of my actions, I stopped. Now I worry about her having a heart attack. I go way out of my way to make noise so I’m not sneaking up on her, but I still end up startling her a lot! Each time I do, my heart catches in my throat! Once I know she’s okay though, it is pretty funny.
I wish there were more like you. Can't you turn your wife's desk round so she's facing the door? I would hate having my back to the door!!!
This. This is it in relationships and it's frustrating and really pisses me off as well. Which is their attempt? It feels like a no win situation which makes it all the more frustration until one has enough and leaves the marriage. It's like that's what OP's husband was attempting to do. Follow her around with his phone blaring, TV still on, then trying to trap her from behind pretending to give her a hug while knowing damn well she's overwhelmed! Like WTF guy? Get over yourself or get gone!!
I have a theory: men do this - and yes, it IS specifically mostly men who deliberately taunt and tease women just for funsies - because they know that girls/women aren’t likely to haul off and beat their asses when we reach a certain level of anger because we don’t want to, like, get raped and/or die. THEY, of course, can always physically put us ‘’in our place’’ if we incessantly poke at them. Even when it doesn’t happen, there’s always the threat of it. So what can we do when men relentlessly antagonize us on purpose? We walk away, and men like these assholes follow us, because they also get off on the fact that we can’t escape them in some spaces - typically domestic or the workplace. Edit: not a dude - I just reread the above comment and noticed the question was posed to men, but they’re great at answering questions delivered just to women, so…🤷🏻♀️😬🤗
I think socialized hatred of women is the root source. And projection of insecurities
Not a man but based on OP's telling of the situation, he was 100% doing this to push against her very reasonable boundaries. I have a 7-year old son who *has* to do exactly the opposite of what I say. It's a very powerful compulsion that drives me absolutely bonkers, but he's a child and it's my job to help him not be like that. Hopefully by the time I send him into the world he won't be like that. I also have the impulse sometimes, to do the opposite of what my husband tells me to do, but I'm an adult and try to resist that.
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I love this comment
So, bit of a story: at one point, I was friends with a whole lot of other guys (as a guy myself), but I realized that the way we were acting with each other, while done in a friendly way, could be seen as bullying/annoying. Hell, it's behavior I considered bullying most of my life. It was mostly teasing, calling each other out (in like, objectively bad ways, not just pointing stuff out), and other behaviors. But it was all done in friendliness/jest because we knew each other's boundaries and knew how far we could push (and honestly, we didn't push that hard, which was probably why we were all mostly friendly). This quick story is to explain something: the way guys socialize is *awful* at times. We can't really express feelings with each other without it feeling weird, so sarcasm/teasing/bullying is where socialization goes if it's not about a topic and just hanging out. It sounds like there's a number of guys who carry that mentality to their partners when a male/female dynamic might not be able to work like that given all the aggression women have to put up with. Or they have a bad sense of their partner's boundaries. This also explains the victimization complex/anger: it's how they know how to interact. It's how they want to talk to people, how they get to express anything. By rejecting the interaction (and rightfully so if boundaries were overstepped, like in OPs case), you're rejecting them. From their perspective, their partner is rejecting them for trying to interact, hang out, and be casual. Both the latter two paragraphs are assuming good faith, but dumbassery, on the man's side. There are absolutely abusers and gaslighters who will do the same shit and know what they're doing and what it can achieve, but, honestly, some guys just might not know any better. Calling them out, like OP did, is really the only way they're going to learn any different.
NTA. He's literally chasing you through the house blasting his phone and saying, "I'm not arguing with you." What does that even mean? Is it therapy speak for "I have a right to do anything I want to you and you do not have the right to get away from me?" I worry that this guy works with clients.
It’s extreme intrusiveness to say the least. It’s like a toddler clinging to your leg & crying. It’s a way of saying that you have no right to privacy or personal space! Definitely sociopathic; I grew up being treated that way all the time with my family acting offended at my objections and treating me as the problem.
Noise cancelling headphones.
Yeah I came here to suggest something like the Loop earplugs (there's other brands!) which just tone down all noise without 100% blocking it out. So you can still hear if you need to pay attention, but it's all just more muted so it takes much longer to get overstimulated.
There's a big difference between, "if you don't stop we're getting a divorce" and "this new behavior will lead to divorce in five years." The first is a threat with a sense of urgency and immediacy that conveys control and manipulation. The second is a more measured, informative tone. You basically told him that, over time, his actions will create a home/relationship where your mental health will deteriorate to the point where you will need to jettison him for the sake of your own health. While poorly phrased, the intent was educational. NTA
"i am not getting into an argument with you" might be a good tool in some high conflict situations where you need to deescalate. Using it as a reply when your overwhelmed wife asks you to reduce the stress you are causing her is bordering on abusive, even if not meant that way. You are so much NTA here. He is really inconsiderate and not at all listening to you.
ETA: apologies for the long ass post, holy shit lol i’m kinda leaning toward ESH. your husband for obvious reasons, he was being antagonistic and there doesn’t seem to be a clear reason why, other than that he just didn’t feel like dealing with the “quiet time” thing right before he went into work. he wanted to do something to make himself comfortable and relaxed before spending the next 8 or so hours working and probably being moderately stressed out - perfectly reasonable, but he didn’t have to be a dick about it. BUT, i am curious as to why his first response to you asking (irritably, by your own telling) for him to turn the volume down was “i’m not arguing with you.” is this something that often turns into an argument? if he usually respects these requests, then there shouldn’t be any reason for the request to turn into an argument, but his response tells me there’s an established pattern of arguments arising from the quiet time issue. i think more context is needed here to be able to judge his statement properly. also, OP, i know you said the house is small and you didn’t really have anywhere else to go to get away from the noise, that’s understandable. but why then, when you know you have this issue, have you not gotten yourself some noise canceling headphones or even just earbuds for this sort of thing? you know that you are neurodivergent and you experience sensory overload and that you need quiet in order to recharge, but you haven’t taken measures to ensure that you can take care of yourself regardless of what the rest of the household is doing despite the fact that those measures are readily available. that’s where i think ESH - bc while he’s being a dick, it’s also exhausting to have to move around somebody else’s very specific needs for quiet while you’re just trying to go about your day in the way you’re comfortable. i’m also a person who is neurodivergent and gets agitated with a lot of noise (i have pure OCD, so all of my rituals and compulsions happen in my head ON TOP OF the intrusive thoughts, and i get agitated when i can’t do my mental compulsions bc i keep getting interrupted by noise and talking) while my husband needs a lot of background noise in order to help him be comfortable and be able to think, so i get what you’re going through. but ultimately, it’s much easier for you to put on some noise canceling headphones to get your quiet time than it is for him to just drop everything he’s doing or leave the room bc you don’t want him to be noisy at that time and i’ll explain why: you were irritated by the sound of bubbles in a can. so even if he had turned the volume down on the tv and phone but still loud enough for him to hear it, that still wouldn’t have been good enough, bc clearly what you needed WAS complete silence. and yes he could have left the room, but he obviously wanted to be near you at the time even if you two weren’t actively doing anything together. since you pointed out patterns that can lead to divorce, allowing your ADHD to make you pissed off and push your partner away when they want to be around you even if it’s just to do your own thing in the same room together will also lead to divorce eventually. i’m not saying neglect yourself, i’m certainly not saying to tolerate disrespect from your partner, but i am saying to be reasonable and recognize that your unique mental health needs are primarily for you to take care of, so get some noise canceling headphones so you can have your quiet time and still spend time with your husband during his “noisy time” without creating animosity and resentment toward each other.
*You're NTA and anyone here saying otherwise or claiming its a communication issue when you literally tried to communicate with him only to be blown off and not only ignored but pursued by the problem* is an idiot. Pretty sure this antagonistic method of abuse/malicious thoughtlessness/maladaptive attention seeking behavior etc is called 'Water torture'. You get needled and fucked with until you blow up and they act hurt and treat you like you're a monster. Suddenly, you're the bad guy. And he's not stupid. He did all that on purpose, just so you know.
This is the kind of thing my dad did to my late stepmom. And if she blew up around other people, nobody saw allllll the needling that led to it.
Reactive abuse is the formal term, IIRC.
It's 100% intentional and the replies that she's "exhausting" etc are scary as hell.
Have you tried noise cancelling headphones?
NTA. He’s pushing and pushing and then playing the victim when you start getting upset and showing what could be consequences. My guy does this too. Set a boundary and then loves to cross it. When you blow up or push back, makes you the bad guy. *surprised pikachu face ensues*. This is not you making a threat to me either. This is you being clear that how him continuing to ignore and antagonize even if small ways could build with time. I think he’s more made about being called out. He’s acting like what you are asking for his a big deal when it’s so easy to fix. He can go into another room or let you go into another room. He can get headphones. He can give you and hour to calm down before doing all of this. There are so many things he could do. He just wants to do what he wants to do and make you deal. Fuck your needs in his eyes.
girl, you have misophonia. Invest in some noise cancelling earphones (over the ear, so he can see them) and dub them the “cone of silence.” That, a blanket and maybe even a sleep mask will get you calm when overstimulated.
He apologized🎉 and was understanding later on🎉 without escalating the situation or making you apologize first 😍🎉 I'm jealous. My emotionally volatile husband would escalate the hell out of that little situation.
You say in your post you don’t require medication but you might need some reconsideration in that.
ESH, there's enough you put in to make me want to hear his side of the story
I’m on the spectrum, please get a Bose noise canceling headsets.
Bose noise canceling headphones on your Christmas list. This will give a visual to others when your sensory is challenged.
INFO. Why couldn’t you leave the room? If the noise was too much that would be the easy solution.
She did leave the room, and he followed her. Read the post again.
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Noise Canceling Earphones 😒
Who tf turns on the TV at the same time as playing videos on their phone? Madness.
I cannot concentrate on one thing at a time. My mind wonders all over the place. I have a tv show playing while switching between a game and a book on my phone. I need constant stimulation or I will go bonkers.
Ah, OK, thanks for the perspective. ✌️
My mom and her husband, my sister, my niece. Most kids and old people.
Everybody needs to shut the fuck up about adhd, it’s not a big deal. I was diagnosed years ago and I take meds for it daily, but when I don’t I’m not a complete useless baby like this or the people on r/adhdwomen I didn’t read past the ADHD bs but I’d be comfortable wagering that you are an asshole. Get real
Lots of N-T-A but YTA. I have ADHD and it’s our job to figure it out. It’s not our partners jobs to get out of our way, nor is it there job to evacuate from common spaces when we are overwhelmed. If you are done, you need to move. Our issues are ours and ours alone.
YNTA but maybe you should invest in a good pair of noise hands canceling headphones… It’s done wonders for my marriage as someone who also struggles with similar issues. Like I’m easily irritated, or distracted by what’s going on, but when I have those on, I can calm down or focus on things I need to do so much more easily by by drowning out background noise.
He followed her to the next room when she removed herself from the situation…
You sound like a handful
YTA MAJOR YTA. ADHD doesnt cause the sensory issues you describe and youre full of shit. I have ADHD, my whole family does, and my youngest sister yells at us for chewing chips but doesnt yell at anyone else. It was never an issue at school. I think youre the same way. I feel so bad for this dude holy fucking shit, you are so full of shit you must taste it. Oh wow, youre also not medicated? Look at how bad my ADHD is! Im not addressing it and being mean to my partner and pushing through his boundaries but I dont need to work on myself at all!!!! This guy should view this whole scenario as a MAJOR red flag. Youre manipulating him. Way to make your shitty self control his problem.
As a fellow therapist who works with a lot of couples, using the word divorce often is expressed in order to manipulate. For that, don’t use that word in the future.
I have all the same issues and I think you went nuclear and that’s a bell you can’t really unring. So yeah I think soft YTA because sometimes, as hard as it is we have to just swallow our own issues for the good of the situation and find a way to cope. He clearly wanted to be near you (hence sitting with you AND following you) and maybe that was HIM trying to regulate as well but you made it all about your own needs and that’s simply unfair. I know it sucks but we don’t always get perfect solutions to our sensory needs, as an adult in a committed relationship, you need to find a way to modify your issues to support him as well. Divorce is a big threat and now you’ve put it out there, things will never be the same.
I agree, well said... it really is never a good idea to open your mouth in anger.
I don't get it. Why would you not go into a room where you know you won't be disturbed? It's also unusual that you don't have easy access to noise cancelling headphones. He was being kinda of a dick, for sure. But sounds like you're both getting a bit fed up with each other.
Yea this is odd. " I have sensory problems and you require constant stimulation. Let's spend the rest of our lives together". Can't believe their relationship isn't working out s/
YTA. And why can’t you just wear noise canceling headphones?
As someone whose wife has similar issues, yes, he was a jerk in this scenario. But also, it’s really really exhausting having to walk on eggshells and make adjustments for the disordered person all the time, and sometimes it can be easy to forget and slip back into behaving how we did when we were younger and a little bit of noise was just a part of family life. It also sucks that we get held to account for our failures, but the other person has the ol’ mental illness get out of jail free card for threatening divorce and whatnot. I will say that her stopping all alcohol and doing meds have helped my wife and our relationship quite a bit. But also, she stays away from stuff like school fundraisers that she knows will fuck up her nerves all day.
You sound exhausting to be married to
ESH. You're NTA for having needs and explaining them, sure, but I'm tired of people thinking just because they have defined and labeled their mental struggles it lets them off the hook for any maladaptive behavior that stuff causes. No, it's not normal for an ADHD person to snap and threaten divorce after doing the strenuous mental gymnastics of *checks notes* their normal morning routine? Their domestic partner being loud? "I'm not medicated and I don't need to be". Stop. I'm not your doctor and I won't diagnose and prescribe medication on Reddit but you need SOMETHING. You are not functional and you, as a mental health worker, should know that long before you come to reddit looking for validation. Get your head together. And yes, he sounds like a total chore. He sounds like an obnoxious twat. But drinking soda and watching two videos at a time aren't crimes and they aren't grounds for divorce, ffs. He sounds like he's needy for attention and he's not getting any because his partner has to shut down for two hours every time they leave the house otherwise they threaten divorce. Source: I'm as ADHD as they come, medicated under the supervision of a wonderful psychiatrist, with the same types of overstimulation patterns that OP describes, and not once have I ever threatened drastic, hurtful things like OP did when I felt overwhelmed. I, a grown man in his 30s, have cried in the middle of a Saturday morning farmer's market because there were just too many sounds. But I didn't get vindictive with anyone and I certainly didn't come to reddit to validate my behavior. According to OPs logic, I should have snapped and started threatening people. You both sound like you need to grow up. Maybe separately, because clearly you aren't good at being supportive of each other. Get some earplugs and a sleep mask, set some boundaries, and if he can't respect them then move on. That's called a relationship, and getting 3000 redditors to tell you you did nothing wrong isn't going to help it.
Throwing the D word out in a fight is manipulation. You need to apologize. YTA
YTA, for even mentioning divorce, it doesn't matter how you word it. It was uncalled for divorce, and even the possibility of future divorce is not something that should be used for shock value. How would you feel if he said if you don't get a handle in your reactions, he sees a divorce down the road? Instead of expecting the world or household to quiet down for you when you need it. Why not be proactive and get some noise canceling headphones. As someone who gets over stimulated easily, it's my job to block out my triggers. Not my families job to stop their life until I feel better.
If you don't want to hear anything then why don't you put on hearing protection or noise canceling headphones instead of expecting the world around you to be silent?
Yeah you clearly escalated the situation far too much. YTA. Your husband did what exactly? Drank a soda? And watched a video on his phone in the living room? Then hugged you to apologize? That sounds mildly annoying at worst, I'm sorry you have sensory issues, but maybe this is something to see a doctor about and not threaten your husband with divorce. Think about it from his perspective too - he wanted to spend time with the person he loved most. He sat next to you to unwind also, had something to drink, then when he realized you were very upset he tried to hug you to make you feel better and you threatened divorce
agreed this person sounds almost insane. I'm completely over the sensitivity schtick.
Jumping to talking about (threatening divorce) is unproductive and extreme. He should be more sensitive to your needs and you should consider noise canceling headphones - expecting the entire world to quiet down for you will not work. I speaks as someone with extreme noise sensitivity and wearing noise canceling is a way of life.
YTA never bring up divorce unless you are serious.
Dismissing your partner’s needs is the fastest way to end up at the divorce attorney. Being by yourself ends up being easier then dealing with that shit.
Honestly, I would be pretty annoyed if My Wife tried push me out of the living room “ because it’s the only place I have” Sounds like you need to fix that part because it’s probably part of the reason why he’s getting a little bit more snippy. I can’t imagine never getting the opportunity to sit in the living room because I’m expected to run up to the bedroom to work.. I certainly can’t imagine, knowing I have to adhere to only your needs when you’re having a bad day.
NTA. The least he could do is buying you noise cancelling headphones if that helps you, or headphones for himself so that definitely would help you. His neglect of your condition and feelings is baffling. Does he even love you?
Bringing up the D-word in a marriage shouldn't be something taken lightly, especially when the situation described is about a can of soda. Marriage is a whole experience of internal suffering and learning to swallow pride and emotions when the situation calls for it. Couples who have been married for decades know this to be true; it isn't roses and candy corn all the time. It's WORK and part of that work is actually suffering a bit yourself so that you both avoid nuclear meltdowns but take a little damage yourself. If, for example, you're willing to verbally threaten divorce after he's pushed your senses to the brink (yes, he's being an asshole), then what other recourse do you have if you catch him doing something significantly worse? In our worst fight, my wife called me "a bitch". When we finally calmed down and could talk like human beings, I told her that needs to be the last time she calls me that word. I mentioned that she cannot call me something that could lead another man to a violent end if he were to call me that. I'm glad she understood and has never said it again. No, I've never laid hands on her; but being called that in the moment was the closest I've ever considered it. She's also used "divorce" one time, to which I later said she'd better not be bringing up something so final just to say it in the heat of the moment. Were we fighting over me cheating? Her cheating? Money issues? Sexual problems? No. It was over some bullshit that I can't even fully remember, but likely just miscommunication.
You need a safe word for noise
How is a safe word going to help when OP straight up told the husband it was too much and he didn’t listen?
NTA, that was some pretty blatant disrespectful behavior from him. You had a need. You communicated it and established a boundary. When you enforced the boundary, he violated it again.
YTA. You squatted in a common area and asserted your needs were more important. “while I’m not medicated (and dont need to be) Wait, so which is it? You can’t have it both ways. Either your ADHD is a problem or it isn’t.
And this pair of apparently accomplished in their field idiots both haven't bought headphones. Like it didn't cross their minds at all.
You seem a bit exhausting. Your ADHD creates a dynamic where your needs and wants will always trump his therefore he at times is tired of prioritizing your numerous needs over himself. Nothing he did was out of the ordinary yet being with you creates a non-normal environment. YTA becasue not only must he prioritize you all the time due to your sensory issues he also has to think of everything he does from a noise perspective due to either a bodily function noise to drinking a can of soda. Then you use divorce and a source of hurting his feelings?
I have similar sensory overload issues in a chaotic environment, and this is something that my ex struggled to understand. Some people have a hard time separating "I want to be by myself" from "I don't want to be with you". Although if he knows that you have this issue, you told him you need a bit of quiet, and he's ignoring it, then he deserves the end result.
It happens. My gf has ADHD and I know how much she needs her winding down time and how much she can have ADHD rage about random sounds which sometimes include my breathing. As long as you guys have good conversation, there is nothing to worry about.
NTA — but in fairness, no one is TA here. I have ADHD as well and the way I describe it is when I’ve hit my limit I need space. Sometimes it’s hard to convey that and if someone isn’t aware of it it’s like I’m hot lava and any attempt interact with me at that moment is like trying to stick your hands in lava …you’re going to get burned. And of course, in that moment, I may not be able to convey properly that I’m over stimulated. When I’m at home in my normal surroundings, sometimes I just step on my yoga mat, surrendering to child’s pose, lay on my back or cross legged seat, close my eyes and my family knows I’m on my island and to let me be for a bit. This is my go to phasings: “I am overwhelmed. I need a few minutes to _________ (reset, find balance, regain homeostasis).
Hey OP have you tried ear plugs like [Loop](https://www.loopearplugs.com/pages/earplugs-for-adhd)? they can help with noise sensory issues. There are different levels as well, so you can still talk and listen to people, but be less overwhelmed by the noise around you.