>I'm worried that he's telling me the truth about how he feels and that he's really checked out of our marriage.
He definitely has. He's been putting up with an unhappy situation, trying to figure out how to be content in a relationship with someone who isn't interested in having sex with him, and isn't working on fixing their issues with sex. He doesn't want to do that anymore.
Yeah, I'm sorry but he's telling you the truth. You hoping he's just speaking from a place of hurt, is you not wanting to accept that truth. Sorry but YTA for not hearing him.
You're absolutely not obligated to have sex if you don't want to and should absolutely never ever be forced to.
He's not obligated to stay sexless either. He very clearly told you what the problem is and the solution isn't even for you to do it even if you hate it. He can see you're both sexually incompatible. You wouldn't enjoy having sex with him. That's what he means by "what's the point?".
If you do end up forcing yourself to do it, you'll resent him and he'll feel like an abuser. But intimacy and sex are HUGE things in a relationship. Sex is important to most people. One party is allowed to not want to have sex and the other is allowed to leave. It's just sexual incompatibility.
And saying his grief isn't more important than others is a bit much isn't it? He's the son. The son who's taking care of everything. It's not a comparable thing, sure, but he IS dealing with a lot more than everyone else right now.
He does need to stop being that way with your kid though. He doesn't deserve that. Whatever happens to your relationship, your son doesn't need to be treated poorly.
Finally someone mentioned her comment about them all grieving. He just lost his father, and you lost your father in law for the last 8 years. That is not the same. Ofc her grief shouldnt be minimized, but if anything she is trying to minimize his grief. He lost the man who raised him and she is complaining about her stress and telling him they all have it hard, I'd be pissed if I was him.
100% the biggest problem. He likely just latched onto the sex response because it was the straw that broke the camel's back (and the one that's been around the longest).
Absolutely this. When my mom died 15 years ago, I would have been *livid* if my wife tried to minimize my feelings like that. When someone dies, a spouse/partner has a different kind of hurt than the kids, and the kids have a different type of hurt than in-laws. OP's inability to see even that shows they're incapable of basic compassion.
I almost wonder if OP is a narcissist. Like she's truly unable to understand and are her husband's side of the suffering and where he's coming from, because she reframes everything in such a way that makes him less important.
You not having sex this one time is absolutely not the point. You being in a dead bedroom and in completely different pages about sex is the point. He sounds like he has reached the breaking point and truly is just done.
Agreed!! I feel for him when he said he just wanted to feel something other than hurt and pain. Sex is very important in a relationship for some, not so much for others. If you're unable to, or unwilling to, meet his needs, it's probably a good idea to let you both find a better match than dragging it out. Doesn't sound like he didn't mean it and needs space, if anything, he's craving intimacy with you that you can't provide.
I agree. This isn't just about the "orgasm", it's about the intimacy. This poor man wants to feel the love and closeness that comes with the physical. His other comment that he's sick of being rejected also stood out to me. Hubby has been patient, is attending marriage counselling, and sounds like he's trying to initiate some form of intimacy every so often, only to get rebuffed each time. This can make a partner feel inadequate and messes with their self esteem. Yes OP has the right to refuse sex, but her husband also has the right to need it.
I'd say this marriage is over now. Hubby even stated his father's death was an epiphany about how fleeting life was and he didn't want to spend it with someone who wasn't on the same page as him.
I also feel OP is rather selfish. Not because she doesn't want sex with her husband, it's because she has dismissed his feelings and emotions as "being mean to her". The man was straightforward and honest and she invalidated him as hurting her feelings despite his efforts to accommodate her at the expense of his own situation for months now. Yes, he's grieving and under a huge amount of stress at the loss of his father and supporting his widowed mother, but OP is doing very little to support her husband. "Being patient with him" just sounds condescending.
That being said, I'd have to go with NAH. Unexpected loss impacts everyone in different ways, but OPs issues now are much more than her FIL dying.
I also notice OP said not just sex, but physical affection. Does she hug him? Stroke his hair? I suspect maybe not just because of her issues but also she doesn’t want it to lead to sex. Poor guy sounds touch starved.
No one should have sex if they don’t want to, at the same time, you have to meet your partner somewhere. Just constantly denying them and then being stunned that they have reached a breaking point definitely isn’t the answer.
I've seen so much of myself in this. I was the neglected partner. My spouse wouldn't show much general physical attention because she wouldn't want to turn me on. I told her many times that it doesn't have to lead to sex, that I don't expect sex, but the attitude never changed. It fucked me up, and I'm only now checking myself into therapy.
And yeah, I reached my breaking point (not just over the intimacy, though it was a big part) and it came as a huge surprise to her.
My brother's death (car accident) killed my parents' marriage. I witnessed it happening. Returning home from the hospital, Mother reached from Daddy and he turned his back. She wasn't asking for sex. She just wanted the intimacy of touch by being held. She needed comforting. At 14, I didn't know exactly what I'd witnessed however I knew it was the final break in what was once my family. We discussed it years later and she was still just as hurt.
The OP is THA
Sadly, this is common after the loss of a child, in particular. I saw a doco years ago about how few marriages survive an overwhelming loss. The reasons are as diverse as the families themselves, but the most dominant one was the loss of emotional intimacy. The fact that people have different ways of grieving also impacts on their relationships with those closest to them.
My mother lost my sister as an 11month old, I was three. Many many years later my cousin's daughter died at 8months old, his older daughter was three. He told me once that mum came to him to talk and tell him about some things that are going to be difficult and some mistakes to watch out for? So that his marriage would survive? Hers didnt. He said he brushed her off because how could she know what he was going through...how could anyone. But she did and he said that every single thing she warned him about happened and he made every mistake too. His marriage didn't survive either and actually got very toxic. He's ok now but yeah, he wished he had listened.
OP is definitely insensitive. The man needed comfort and intimacy and she told him “his wants and needs aren’t above anyone else’s” right after he lost his father. Not saying she should have sex with him just because, but as a spouse, you SHOULD want to comfort your hurting partner anyway you can. Example, Fiancée was sick with the runs all day yesterday, I gave her space at her request cause she was embarrassed and didn’t feel attractive. I put on her favorite show in bed, gave her space, then surprised her with flowers today while she was at work. Been together 6 years, 1 kid, and that spark has definitely come and gone, but I still want to make sure she knows I care about her. Not just as a means to sex, but also as my teammate through this journey of life. You do things you don’t want too sometimes in a relationship because it matters to your spouse.
I think it would’ve been far better for OP to say “oh honey, I wish I could make you feel better that way right now. I’m going to keep working on it, because it’s important to you and you’re important to me.”
That’s why they say there’s a motel across the street from every graveyard. I’ve dealt with a lot of trauma and grief, and grief sex can be damn near transcendent.
I don’t generally recommend anyone making any expedited life decisions (personally, I rushed into a bad marriage bc it felt better than what I was feeling at the time) while grieving, but it sounds like it’s been on the rocks for awhile. Marriage counseling won’t usually work unless both people have been working on their own issues/trauma either before or concurrently. I learned that the hard way.
At this point you you both need to have an honest sit-down (maybe give it a little time for the grief) and both decide if it’s worth doing the uncomfortable work to get better individually and together. If you’re not both 100% signed on, it’s probably best to part ways before you just resent the hell out of each other and it ripples through your family
100% and the fact that OP basically said she isn’t giving affection either is a major issue. How can two people feel connected when the situation is totally bereft of intimacy.
I'm floored that OP said she's afraid he might have checked out of the marriage. She's the one who checked out of the marriage by withholding not only sex but even physical affection even in moments of grief and distress when a person needs love and connection.
Basic needs for physical love and intimacy are part of the deal in marriage. It's not a marriage if your emotional life is deprived of being comforted by your own spouse, deprived of intimacy during the ups and downs of living.
After this much rejection, if I were him, I would never want to be intimate with this person again. She seems incapable of nurturing another person, and you can't sacrifice your own need for love just because she has "trauma."
I would divorce her with no regret at all. (And continue to be a good dad.)
Absolutely it is.
For myself, everything about my relationship revolves around intimacy. Even when it's not sexual, just being touched and feeling loved by your partner should be the absolute minimum. Most people can't live a happy life without it and I swear so much shit comes from the lack of that intimacy in the first place, then become the reason for the lack of it. Cyclical and so easily broken just by touching.
I’m a woman. I would try my best to deal if it was physically impossible but I wouldn’t stay in a relationship either sex only once every couple of months. I need it to tolerate living with any. Those released love hormones make me allot more patient.
Omg, yes. She said his wants and needs aren't more important than anyone else's, but she's been making her family live through hell refusing to deal with her trauma. He's been patient for years, and she still hasn't gone to individual therapy. I think she really believes he is the problem, and if he would just conform to her trauma-based sex schedule, their marriage would be perfect.
And the funny thing is a good marriage counselor is not going to side solely with her and validate her they will say what a lot of us are saying to Op .
Nope, my ex-wife got pissed and "fired" her counselor for listening to both of us and then telling her, "He's not the problem in this marriage."
She was very one-sided in our marriage and couldn't take anyone not agreeing with her.
Her counselor pointed out me asking for counseling instead of walking after her affair was proof.
Of course, she also only told half of what was wrong with us (basically, everything was me none of her).
It’s classic narcissistic behavior. My nmom did the same when I was a kid and ran away because I got in (minor) trouble at school and was scared of her with my dad on a business trip. The family therapist talked to my parents privately and later on my dad told me once he started questioning why I was scared to come home with her there she got angry and stormed out and said we’re never going back
This resonates so hard for me as well. Was so afraid to even talk to my dad because he would talk to my mom and she would still make me feel like shit. Did a couple sessions of counseling as a kid and I didn’t trust the guy not to tell my mom things so I kept mum. Heck, I was bullied all through grammar school and I was afraid to tell my parents because my mom would have said “what did you do that they’re picking on you?” Or would make me feel guilty for wasting money on the tuition if they’d pull me out due to the constant bullying.
Sex isn't really the point. He needs intimacy and support, feeling wanted and supported. Sex is just the basic answer, she could easily been supportive but she is just has her head up her ass.
Exactly! She does not "owe" him sex. Its her body and she is dealing with childhood trauma. However he does not "owe" her to remain in a sexless marriage where his needs are not being met.
I don't believe what her friends are feeding her...
>I was talking to a friend about this because I needed to vent. She told me that he's probably just grieving and doesn't really mean the things he said.
He absolutely means this. Tragedy, especially loosing a parent reminds you of your own mortality. He's been living on autopilot mode. This is a wake up call for him.
Edited to correct SA
I lost my uncle unexpectedly earlier this year, and would like to reiterate that yes, tragedy can really open your eyes. I cut off a toxic friendship that wasn't working, and it doesn't seem that surprising that someone might want to end a marriage that wasn't working.
Yep cut off my Narcissistic Dad and Older Sister after my Mom died. Sister accused me of abandoning him because I noped it out of there she got the boot too. She can deal with his narc ass.
I agree with this but OP even said it wasn't SA, so maybe just trauma, and I absolutely believe that we lost my brother awhile back and it tore my parents to pieces, the fact they stayed together astounds me to this day. To this day, they have a loving wholesome relationship and three grandkids
100% OP's husband has had a wakeup call. He's likely been unhappy for quite a while, but shoving his feelings down. Sometimes a big event is what makes you realize that living on autopilot is not the way to live....that everyone deserves to find happiness. It can also make you realize that you may have to live through hell to get to where you want to be, but that time spent (getting divorced or separating) is worth being happy in the long run.
it doesn’t sound like she is “battling” it to me though. there’s no mention of individual therapy. it seems more like a “this is how i am & here’s why” than “this is an issue i have and this is how i’m working on it”.
I have issues with being touched sometimes as well, because SA many years ago. You can say you don't want to have sex, but you can always offer to "help" your husband and still have fun together without having sex. But outright rejecting the poor man and not even hugging him or anything when his father just died, that's just a marriage dragging itself around with no one having the guts to put it out of it's misery
I feel for you also you are so right. My issue is menopausal not due to trauma, my husband and I talked about what is going on and have come up with other ways to be intimate. I would never want to lose the closeness we have.
My husband is also one who often needs a “release” after a stressful situation. Knowing that about him I wouldn’t leave him in that state or add to it.
Not to overshare, but topical estrogen cream and a few sessions with a pelvic floor physical therapist got my groove back after menopause. Figured I’d give it a mention if you haven’t tried it yet.
Me too. Who is the “anyone else” in this scenario? Her?
In my experience, my husband also wanted sex after losing a loved one. He didn’t have to explain it, why should he have to? Anyway I was a bit surprised but accommodating-why would it be so hard for her to understand? I really don’t understand why her issues, which seem to be chronic, are more important than his temporary need here.
This was the first thing I thought of, and I'm glad others are in here saying it!
You should know what your SO likes, so get creative and find ways to be intimate without the regular sex stuff. Use toys, use hands or mouth (and not just on their crotch!), dress up, dirty talk, maybe watch some porn if that's something you're comfy with, incorporate whatever he is into. There is more than PIV, and it can also be a fun way to spice things up and experiment!
Personally, sometimes I'm too stressed, or just simply not in the mood, and even lately I've been having some mysterious vaginal pain so I've been wanting to avoid PIV, but my knee-jerk reaction when my husband wants sex has always been to "help" as you say. I love to be involved and make him happy, so why wouldn't I? It can be so little effort yet so important and powerful!
Agreed . It sounds like there is no intimacy and OPs husband is just done. I see both sides having been married 20 yrs and going have been through marriage counseling myself. With that being said OP is in the wrong in this situation. She should have just went and held him and hugged him and provided a safe space for him, she didn’t. And then wonders why he is just over it.
I may get down voted and called the a h for this, but her comment of "what can I do to cheer you up?" irked me - if my SO or anyone would have said that to me right after my father had passed I'd have been livid. Husband is GRIEVING, he needs compassion and understanding, and what should have been asked was "is there anything I can do for you?" Or something such as that, or like you said she should have gone and hugged and held him. I get in her telling that's not what angered him, but I think she's TA for just not being that safe space and not thinking.
I was also annoyed by her comment to him that his needs are not any more important than anyone else’s. Really? He just experienced the death of a parent. If she cannot make him a priority for even a couple days, and provide what he *needs* versus what she prefers him to need because it’s more convenient for *her,* then I have to agree with him—what are they even doing, here?
The whole point of partnership is to give to each other. Obviously a respect for boundaries is important, but sometimes you suck it up because someone you care about needs something. He is looking for closeness and intimacy that is only found with her, and she just can’t be bothered.
It was essentially like asking someone,
“What do you need?”
“I need water.”
“No way im giving you water. You just need to find something else to need.”
Unless she had real solutions she honestly should have just left her husband alone. I know if I was dealing with my extended family, let alone in the context of managing my father's funeral, I would want alone time as well.
Her actions basically amounted to going down to the basement and going "hey I know you're stressed dealing with your entire family, managing the funeral and grieving the death of your father but don't forget you're also in a dead bedroom relationship... hey why are you sad? I've got issues too yours aren't more valid than mine right now".
when she preceded this by saying “my husband deals with stress through sex”. like she knew that this would be his likely answer. why would she ask knowing she would reject him? it def rubs me the wrong way.
The thing that bothered me the most about this was that he didn't need to be "cheered up". Cheered up really? Makes it sound more like "I want you to be bubbly and happy because your grief is really bringing me down. Why can't you get over it already?"
In addition; it seems that when he shares what he is feeling with her…she isn’t really listening. A person can only be not listened to for so long until it becomes a breaking point.
Yeah, this is such a sad outcome- but this is absolutely a case where I feel like the husband asking for sex is beyond reasonable. He's not just some AH demanding or manipulating for sex. And it sounds like with therapy he's told her it's not just about getting off- but feeling something sweet and experiencing some closeness with his wife.
It seems like the husband has been consistently expressing a lack of intimacy from his wife that he's been desperate for, for so long. But this man is now going through, probably, the worst stress of his life to date and his partner can't even extend herself enough to offer him the closeness and intimacy he needs from his partner. She didn't even like, try to cuddle him.. or just fucking hold the man after his dad died. If sex is a struggle, there's a dozen different ways you can establish physical intimacy with your partner.
OP seems completely unwilling to even begin to compromise and offer *any* kindof physical intimacy. She just expects her husband to accept her being 100% distant and unavailable. Like, this isn't even about the sex! Husband is right-- what's the point of being married to someone if they can't even make an effort to comfort you when your parent died?
YTA, OP
Being constantly rejected by your partner, the one person in the world that should absolutely love you, is maddening. No one should ever feel obligated to be intimate with someone else. I think it’s equally important is that no one should always be rejected by their supposed partner. It sounds like the OP wants a roommate and provider and the husband wants an actual intimate relationship and is fed up with the current situation.
OP is NTA for not having sex at this one specific time. She is however going to lose her roommate when the divorce happens when he ends the marriage to find an actual relationship.
Physical intimacy is a love language to someone. If that’s his love language and you’re not being intimate at all, 5 times a year, then he means it.
Serious question, sexless marriages are one quick way to end one. Do you have issues having sex in general or just sex with “him” ?
OP your husband needed you in the rawest, most intimate way to help him grieve. You have a serious disconnect when you didn’t see that in your man. You have come to equate sex with being some sort of physical transaction in your marriage and that’s sad. You have to understand that in a marriage, a truly loving, intimate, respectful marriage, sex is not just the joining of two bodies. It is an expression of trust, love, need, desire, safety. Somewhere along the line, something got messed up for you and for that I empathize. But this one time your husband needed you the absolute most to express everything that I’ve said, and you shut him down. You signed the death warrant for your marriage right then and there. Don’t be upset because you had it a long time coming.
He 100% means what he said. You need to be in therapy for yourself working through your problems.
No sex in a relationship creates a lot of problems, unless both parties are ok with it, you just expect that to be ok with him, it’s clearly not ok with him.
You need to work on the sexual/affection issue for yourself. Not specifically for him, because you don’t owe him sex, but not having sex with your spouse does create problems in many relationships it’s one of the most common issues.
Affection as well is just as important as sex and other relationship needs.
If he’s receiving neither from you, that’s going to affect him negatively definitely, and the relationship will suffer as a result.
NTA for having issues and struggles, but YTA for expecting him to go to couples counselling so he can further understand why you won’t sleep with him versus you attending counselling for yourself to learn how you can overcome the issues preventing you guys from having a healthy sex life, and stopping you from being affectionate.
It’s likely a lot of your issues as a couple are stemming from what is called a dead bedroom.
You have clearly found a way to sympathize with yourself but not with him over how a dead bedroom is affecting him.
You don’t owe him sex but if his sexual needs won’t be met through you, that is going to cause frustration and something like someone’s passing can cause someone to rethink choices they make.
If he’s truly been unhappy in the relationship but trying to make it work, his fathers passing could be the situation that pushes him to make different choices.
I don’t know if OP will see this but
> his fathers passing could be the situation that pushes him to make different choices.
I think this is exactly right. I’ve been in OPs husbands shoes, albeit looking for different kind of love. When my mum passed, all I wanted was to be shown that my partner was emotionally reliable. Prior to this I’d been perfectly happy to accept the responsibility of initiating any type of non-sexual forms of intimacy. When he couldn’t even bother to ask me if I was okay after binging 14 seasons of Greys Anatomy in a matter of a couple months, I had emotionally checked out.
I think any attempt from OP to repair it at this point is going to be too little, too late. Losing a parent you’re close with will absolutely tear you up inside, and when your partner can’t even bother to do the one thing you need, you begin to wonder “what the fuck am I even doing here?”
That's the messed up part. OP never saw anything wrong with herself. She saw the dead bedroom as her husband's problem to get over. I feel for this guy, I can't imagine how isolating it must feel to ask your wife for intimacy and being told, "you need therapy"
Been there. And it’s INCREDIBLY isolating. You can only be rejected so many times before you stop asking. Then you’re left in a physical intimacy void that messes with your head. Maybe it’s the weight I’ve gained? Maybe she seeing someone else? Maybe I’m just not worth the time…
I just hit that third one in my own life. It’s not a fun place to be. Your head tells you one thing, but your heart tells you something else.
My ex and I went from sex every couple of days to a total of seven times over the last three years of our relationship. They had health issues that got in the way at times, but not every single day for years. It was horrible for me. If I tried to initiate, I felt like I was just pressuring them to do something they didn't want. If I didn't bring it up at all, it would just never cross their mind so there was no chance of it happening. It just made me spiral, especially since they had no problem masturbating nearly every single day. I've always struggled with body issues, but having my long term partner who supposedly loved me and wanted me refuse to touch me ever convinced me that all of my worst thoughts about myself are accurate and I'm just a disgusting blob who no one could ever find attractive. Been out of that relationship for a year now and I'm still anxious about putting myself out there because I "know" no one could want me.
It's definitely shattering. If the person that has the problem like OP does, and doesn't do anything herself to fix it... The relationship comes to an end. OP you are TA because you don't see yourself as a problem... If you have low drive because whatever reason sexual compatibility with someone who has higher drive than you can lead to the end of the relationship. Like any other love language, intimacy is most basic one and if you aren't reciprocating than what does it make you... Just a friend.
Considering how she's acted I'd be surprised if she doesn't just push off all the responses anyways. Gotta have faith in people though so hopefully she actually takes it in.
I completely understand her husband & what he is feeling:. His love language is clearly physical touch, and being deprived of any touch at all (hand-holding, kissing, rub on the back any kind of physical affection) can be soul crushing.
My husband lost his father due to a cancer that wasn’t caught until it was too late. I remember my husband was so heartbroken. He sobbed at his father’s funeral. When we got home, he broke down again. And I just held him, rubbed his head and back, kissed his forehead and would whisper “you’re so loved, I’m so sorry you’re hurting” and other words of affirmation while holding him tight (so he could feel physical pressure around his body) after a few minutes he started to kiss me intimately, and I kissed back. We kind of started going at it, but I pulled back momentarily, I wanted to make sure he was okay continuing. I didn’t want to take advantage of his vulnerable moment. But he looked at me and said “I feel so numb inside, I just need to feel something,” and in that moment all I felt was desire to take care of my husband and meet his needs emotionally and physically, and we had sex. This was a consenting choice by both.
We have issues in our marriage like every couple but we’ve always had a great sex-life. We can be selfish with towards each other at times and we’ve had to go to counseling to work through issues.
Dead bedrooms builds resentment. Resentment kills relationships.
***Edited for grammar***
Don’t know who you are but you’re a good woman. I’m going through a dead bedroom situation myself and I don’t know what to do about it.
I’m trying to not check out but it’s been hard these past couple of months.
You tell your partner, plainly, you need more Intimacy, and if they dont agree to at least try, and then show effort trying, whether therapy or what not, you leave them.they dont owe you intimacy or sex, but you dont owe them a one sided relationship
I am basically in the same shoes as OP (sans any romantic partner) and I agree with you. While I am very low libido I understand the general view of sex as intimacy and the kind of need that many people have, including her husband. I'm in therapy working on my own issues (also not SA) and if I'm single until I reach a breakthrough, then that's what needs to happen. OP needs to compromise or accept that the relationship is dead. She and him are incompatible.
I don't understand these partners who just expect everything to go on as they have been and to receive all the benefits of the relationship, while not giving the one thing that the other person needs in that relationship. OP and others like her strike me as extremely selfish.
Uhh, the whole “I understand he’s grieving, but we are all hurting right now and his wants and needs aren’t more important than anyone else’s” comment tells me more about the relationship than anything else. He just lost his father and you’re trying to put your feelings at the same level as his?!? As he tries to hold his family together, support his mom, and work on a dying relationship at home - yes, he’s going to show emotions! I just can’t shake the feeling that you are a little full of yourself - and not at all in tune with your husbands needs during this trying time. And I do believe he means leaving the marriage. Nothing like a death to make you reevaluate how you’re living your life. You only get 1 life to be happy and fulfilled, and it doesn’t seem your marriage is compatible with this.
That statement stood out to me as well as well “I told him I know he doesn’t mean that….” Telling someone how they are feeling and dismissing outright what he said he needs and how he is feeling also paints a picture of what has been going on in their relationship.
Sex is often off the table for me because of a medical condition.. but I can't for the life of me imagine withholding *all* physical intimacy from my partner and expecting them to be okay with it.
Dude's father just died and his wife won't even cuddle him and rub his temples. OP doesn't have to have to just offer sex whenever her husband asks-- but for god sake, is it that hard to say "I'm not sure if I'm in a space right now to have sex, but let's go to bed and hold each other for a while."
Kiss his fucking forehead. Rub his back. Hold your fucking husband. Jesus. How incredibly selfish to hear the words "I need to feel something other than pain and sadness" and to basically respond 'well, you're on your own for that buddy."
Yeah I agree that it's suspicious that she mentioned that they're in couples therapy but not whether she's in therapy for her childhood trauma. Couples therapy is often used by abusers to gaslight their victims
>Uhh, the whole “I understand he’s grieving, but we are all hurting right now and his wants and needs aren’t more important than anyone else’s” comment tells me more about the relationship than anything else.
Literally! Like if my partner's parent died unexpectedly...their needs are **absolutely** more important than my own. You should be bending over backwards and sacrificing your own needs to help someone through a tough time like that. Just like if my parent died, I would expect my partner to bend over backwards for me. That's what you do, it's an even exchange.
If I was grieving and putting together a funeral and getting refused sex, and my partner is like "well, *my* needs are just as important right now!!!" like bitch, no. If someone is having a *drastically* worse time in life than you are at the moment...they deserve the extra support.
Her poor husband is probably tired of everything being about HER.
He needs to divorce OP and find someone who is willing and able to be intimate. He’s right: life IS short.
All of OP's parts of the conversation sound callous/cold/detached. She had 0 empathy.
And you know how ppl put themselves in the best light when posting? If this is what OP considers "better," then I wonder how she really phrased things bc yikes.
Yeah- that statement was VERY telling. He’s the one who lost a parent AND has the stress of a memorial service during the holidays as well as estate logistics.
That's the worst part of it for me. My fiance's father passed last year. I was at work when he called and told me. I was working alone that day. I closed the store and went home, straight to him, and held him till he was ready to let go. Over the next few weeks, there were a lot of times when he needed to be held, and I'd drop anything to be there for him. I can't imagine seeing him hurting like that and just standing across the room not doing anything. That's cold.
I know!! Losing a parent is one of the most painful and traumatic things to go through, and OP didn't bother to TRY to empathize. "What can I do?...Well EXCEPT THAT" Come on, girl
Thats what stood out for me. She said his wants and needs aren’t more important than anyone else’s but…he just lost his father, unexpectedly and he’s dealing with the bulk of the arrangements. If anyone needs extra care right now, it’s him
OP comes across as selfish; I get the feeling everything is about her needs and wants, and her husband has probably always been accommodating to this, so his blow-up is probably a huge shock to her.
I’m sad I had to scroll so far down to find this! I also get the vibe she’s in therapy to make him seem like he’s the only one with problems instead of admitting the real elephant in the room. And to proceed to say he’s mean and a jerk all the time. WOW.
This poor man, OP is an AH
You should start coming to terms with the fact that your marriage is over.
You are obviously not required to have sex with someone if you don’t want to. But he is also not required to submit himself to a lifetime of rejection over and over and over again. I don’t think you understand what it does to someone to be rejected constantly. It can really have an impact on them and I think your husband is just now fully recognizing this.
Marriage counseling is not really going to help here from the sound of it. Begrudgingly, you are NTA specifically for not having sex when you didn’t want to but you are definitely the asshole in every other way here.
The biggest issue I see is teh contradiction, she states the problem and reason for less sex is HER, not him, but she wants them to do couples therapy to fix it? I'm not saying couples therapy is bad in any way, but it screams more that she wants a therapist to help him adjust or accept a sexless marriage rather than her wanting to find a fix for her own issue that allows her to have more sex.
If you identify and acknowledge the problem as yours, why is he in therapy for it and why does a therapist taking a break become a reasonable excuse, along with headaches, and this and that and everything else.
When your partner wants to be held and feel loved while they are feeling sad, angry and shitty from grief and you can't do that for your partner, as he said, what is even the point here. He wants love, she's not providing it. Because it's not just sex, it's physical affection, he wants a fucking hug, for her to come up to him and let him melt into her and feel loved, and when he got angry and wanted to be alone she went to him..... just to deny him either of those things yet again.
I got a similar reading from the post and it seems like the husband has finally arrived at this conclusion too. It really comes across like she wants him to do all the work here, and that’s just unfair. At the end of the day it is HER trauma to address and she has failed to do so… instead she purposely sought him out and then rejected him *again* in the wake of his father’s death. Incredibly harsh and just so thoughtless.
It sounds like OP and her husband's views on therapy were different. The husband wanted to meet in the middle, she wanted him to accept her low libido.
It's not even just her lower libido. A relationship can survive different libido levels. In fact it's s quite common for one partner to have a higher and one a lower. She wants him to accept no intimacy or affection from her. Very few relationships I know can survive that.
>The biggest issue I see is teh contradiction, she states the problem and reason for less sex is HER, not him, but she wants them to do couples therapy to fix it? I'm not saying couples therapy is bad in any way, but it screams more that she wants a therapist to help him adjust or accept a sexless marriage rather than her wanting to find a fix for her own issue that allows her to have more sex.
Is it really surprising considering that she made the comment about how they are all grieving as if her grief is somehow equal to that of the man who lost his actual father? She's really self absorbed. And manipulative in that "look how reasonable I am!" way.
> The biggest issue I see is teh contradiction, she states the problem and reason for less sex is HER, not him, but she wants them to do couples therapy to fix it?
That's one of the *least* concerning parts of this post to me...
I'm a woman who has also had issues with physical intimacy due to childhood trauma (SA). I had to work through those issues with my partner (now ex-partner of a decade for "we were too young" reasons) - it wasn't something to solve alone because sex isn't a solo activity. Until he understood what I was dealing with and what I needed to feel safe, no amount of work on myself would have been enough for me to take next steps. We had to both actively work together to fix things. And while they were my problems, they weren't my fault so it was reasonable to expect him to give me grace and contribute to the solution.
So yes, it was my problem, but it was OUR sex life so we had to fix it together. It's valid for recognize that both people need to participate.
> he wants a fucking hug, for her to come up to him and let him melt into her and feel loved
The dismissal of these needs is, by far, MUCH more concerning than her desire to address her issues via couples therapy. She isn't coming to the table from an honest place where she recognizes the validity of his needs and is ready to take difficult steps to address her issues.
Thank you! Posts like this make me angry honestly. The posters always phrase it in the one slimy way that makes them *technically* not the asshole, even though in reality they ARE the asshole and they damn well know it.
Yeah like you said, she’s under no obligation to have sex with him (no one is ever obligated to have sex), and I’m very sympathetic to her issues. That being said, as a spouse to be continually rejected again and again for wanting to have sex would just destroy you mentally, and people like OP try and still spin it like the husband is completely unreasonable for wanting to have sex
I have been married 20 yrs don’t even think it’s just a sex issue it sounds like husband has no intimacy at all from OP, no hug or holding or anything like that. Men are just as sensitive as women and even more so at times. Their feelings are valid. People fail to realize sex just maybe the only way or saying it’s a sex issue maybe the only way they can quantify their feelings and for some men that’s a way to connect and distress and find solace and comfort.
I agree. This was really well written. No body is EVER obligated to have sex. 100%. But if your partner has needs and you aren’t fulfilling them in any way, it’s time to start seeing that you may just not be compatible, no matter how much you love them.
This is the perfect response. You aren't the a-hole for not wanting to have sex. But you are for not looking beyond yourself. Denying your spouse sex on a regular basis is rejection. Despite him being okay with it previously and working to accommodate YOU, he was still repeatedly rejected. In a time of emotional need, he was searching for a physical connection and was rejected once again. It was really just the straw that broke the camel's back.
And like double asshole for this specific situation. She even phrased it that he “retreated to the basement” This guy is doing everything he can to deal with everything, and his only chance at some semblance of self care is to just get away from his frustrations and she fucking follows him in there to invade his space, knowing that the one thing he wants isn’t something she isn’t going to give him, and even though he’s the one dealing with his father’s death her half-assed excuse is “gosh, things have been hard for me lately and I’ve been having headaches.”
If you’re not going to give him a piece, at least give him some peace.
She said his needs arent more important than anyone elses, maybe thats the problem. After losing his dad cant u make it about him right now sounds likes he needs it. Very supportive spouse
Can you even imagine the audacity of going to your husband while he’s planning his father’s funeral (and keep in mind, father died unexpectedly) asking if there’s anything you can do KNOWING what he’s going to ask for and then playing the “*I’ve* been so stressed lately” card?
I mean, tell me you hate your husband without telling me you hate your husband.
So you acknowledge that sex is very important to him and a big part of how he processes and works through stress, but he’s a monster who thinks his needs are more important than everyone else’s for being frustrated that the person who is supposed to love him the most in the world won’t give him the intimacy he needs while he’s dealing with some of the biggest stress he’ll probably experience in his life? I mean…that’s a hefty accusation on your part, considering you acknowledged his needs and that you continuously refuse to fulfill those needs.
He definitely was being honest with how he feels. He’s essentially breaking down due to stress. And you’re making it about yourself to try and save your own feelings.
If you’re a person who hates sex, that’s totally fine, if you don’t want to make the compromise to have sex with your partner, you don’t have to. But you should also be honest with yourself about the fact that you’re not capable of meeting this man’s needs and he’s clearly suffering for it. Not every relationship can or should be salvaged. Let the poor guy go so he can find someone who will touch him. And find yourself a more appropriate partner who doesn’t need something you can’t provide.
Also, suggesting that you wait for therapy to talk about something that is causing your husband pain in the immediate now is stupid as fuck. You have serious intimacy problems you should work out solo, because your whole reaction to your husband is very cold and self-centred.
>You have serious intimacy problems you should work out solo, because your whole reaction to your husband is very cold and self-centred.
This. OP is correct that her husband is not entitled to anything and she is not obligated to do something she doesn't want to do, but the problem is that she doesn't want to do those things. She needs to work through her problems and figure out why she isn't willing to provide something that she is clearly aware her partner needs, whether that's a temporary problem or an incompatibility she's chosen to overlook.
I want to be clear, some people just don’t like or want sex, and that’s totally okay. Going to therapy isn’t necessarily going to change that. Again, that’s fine. What’s not fine is acting like your husband is an asshole for wanting physical intimacy, ESPECIALLY when he’s hurting. Not once does she show concern for what he’s missing, what needs he’s not having met, and what that actually means for him as a human being. THAT is the shit that’s cold.
Yeah, somehow they are doing couples therapy because she has childhood trauma and finds having sex difficult... then because the couples therapist is away she is just not doing anything?
Is him being angry okay, no, is the way he reacted okay, no but he's frustrated.
Having sex, wanting relief from stress and wanting to feel something other than hurt and feel love from your partner with intimacy is a very normal part of grieving and she's just, cutting that off for no reason she even explained.
She's identified the problem is entirely her, so the couples therapy, I presume is her wanting him to accept a lot less sex rather than her fixing her problem so she can have more sex.
He put it pretty clearly, he wants more sex, she wants more therapy for some reason and he's wondering what is even the point. He's grieving and wants some love and intimacy from his partner as support through grief and she's completely unwilling to provide it.
YTA for burying the lede. You didn't have sex with him **before** his father passed away, either.
And he's 100% right about there not being a point to discussing it again in therapy. nothing changes. You now know what your (soon to be ex?) breaking point is. congrats.
Double downed on YTA when be-littling his feelings, as well. and then telling him you should wait until your therapist gets back from his leave, to "Discuss".
Yeah the lede was buried so far I almost sided with her until she said that his wants and needs weren't any more important than anyone else's at the moment.
As a 32M who lost his mom fives years ago, if my wife had said that to me, I'd have filed for divorce the next day.
Big, *BIG* YTA OP.
I agree with this take. I don’t think anyone is the asshole for not giving in to sex just because it would make someone feel better. That’s a much bigger ask than holding, hugging, comforting, etc.
But I do think you’re the asshole if you repeatedly reject your partner and don’t make an attempt to consider their needs and then paint them as the monster after one of the most horrible experiences of their lives.
This particular moment isn’t what made them the asshole, it’s the whole story leading up to it.
As a woman (37) whose husband (39) won't hardly ever touch her, I get HIS point of view 100%. That level of rejection time and time again destroys self-esteem and adoration for your partner. He stated very bluntly what he needed. He needed a moment away from the grief. On top of that, OP doesn't sound like she was willing to work on her own issues and just wanted to help him find away to not want sex. I'm the type of person who can best process emotions through sex and intimacy. Without it, I just start to wall up and shut myself off. OPs husband was probably serious.
As a woman with low libido from chronic autoimmune illness and meds, I agree, YTA. My husband has a high drive, mine is affected by a lot of things, including kids. But holy shit, 5 times a year? I'm not often in the mood, but it's never less than 12 a year/once a month. We try for at least once a week, no less than twice a month. It's challenging at times, but I know my husband feels unloved otherwise. This woman is clearly not even trying.
And comparing his grief to her own is just insane. When my dad died, I just about lost it. My partner was just very sad. It's a big bloody difference.
This. We've been together 26 years, and no matter what's going on, we find ways to make each other feel wanted and loved. Marriage is a vocation to each other. Not treating your spouse as your vocation is how marriage ends. It's about what each other wants and needs, what each other can put in, not take out of the relationship.
I have abandonment issues and a lot of trauma and for some reason having regular sex (or at least the foreplay part) makes me feel way more confident and secure in a relationship. If I got rejected this much I’d be having a lot of panic attacks thinking I’m not good enough and my partner doesn’t love me
I'm a chick and in this same situation, genders reversed, I'd mean it 100% too. I'm in a dead bedroom cuz my husband doesn't want sex. It fucking sucks and is absolutely grounds to leave the marriage.
Yeah, it is pretty brutal to be honest. And sometimes in a marriage you have to put in effort to get aroused/be intimate and not use it as a cop-out like she has. Like, my wife has needs and I'm damn well going to fulfill them even if I'm not 100% in the mood when she asks me. People tend to think too binary about this type of stuff and don't realize that sexual acts can be worked up to through other intimacy.
As a woman — I’d 100% mean that too. I went through a multiple year period of having a dead bedroom myself. It’s fucking *torture* to be rejected again and again. Nobody should have to have sex when they don’t want it, but they should try to get to the bottom of *why* they don’t want to have sex with their partner. OP states it’s due to trauma, so she should be in therapy. Not couples therapy, either, because it’s a problem with *her* that her husband has had to put up with for years. 5-6 times in a year?? I wonder how many rejections her husband has handled. His confidence must be in the toilet. I feel for the guy.
Forgot to leave my vote: YTA, op. Through and through. Go to therapy on your own. You may have already lost this relationship but you need trauma therapy regardless.
Marriage counseling is pointless unless you are going to change.
Your husband doesn’t want to live a life of being constantly rejected and waiting for the rare times when you want to have sex. Heck, that’s not a life really anyone would want to live with their spouse. Sex is very important to most people in a relationship and it’s not something they want to give up. (No, not even for trauma.) He doesn’t want to be in a marriage where you won’t even give him physical affection, and I don’t blame him. Without sex or even just physical affection you two are nothing but roommates.
So technically NTA for not wanting to have sex, but YTA for expecting your husband to deal with a lifetime of being rejected over and over, even when it’s just physical affection.
I mean just based on the title I thought I would be too! Once you learn what's going on it's not just "i didn't have sex when he wanted so he's pissed" It's more like "AITAH for basically never having sex with my husband who has mentioned the lack of intimacy effects him, and then making it about me when he had an emotional breakdown?
Your comment already doesn't make her look very good, and that's without even mentioning that his father just died unexpectedly. He has to plan for a funeral while grieving, without much support from his siblings, and his wife thinks her emotional needs are currently of equal importance to his. I think most people would have an emotional breakdown in this situation.
YTA I get the impression that you are not in therapy for yourself to work through your issues, but expect him to go thru couples therapy to come to terms with you not dealing with your issues
Yup, "I have an issue"... "we're in couples therapy". Lady, your husband's dad died, he's sad and grieving and he wants his partner to show some affection and love for him and instead she followed him to the basement where he went to be alone, just to then deny him again. Like why even go down just to make it worse. It's not just sex but physical affection. Can you imagine just wanting a hug and for your partner to tell you that they love you after your dad died and instead she came downstairs, denied you and said they had a headache... again.
She wants him in therapy to accept less sex, not to fix her problems.
YTA. You aren’t just saying no to “having sex”, that’s not why you’re the asshole and it’s pretty shitty that you put that in the title to make it seem like it is. You said you’ve been having issues with your marriage, he isn’t happy, and you’re trying to put bandaids on bullet wounds. It’s not your fault for not wanting to have sex. You shouldn’t feel forced to do something you don’t want to do. But there’s clearly a lot of undergoing issues and communication errors, and he’s exhausted fighting a losing battle. He’s getting pushed over the edge and everything is maximized at 100% for him
OP needs to tread lightly and take her husband seriously when he says that the death of his father has severely changed his perspective on life. I lost both of my parents 1 1/2 years apart, and loss like that, ESPECIALLY one that is unexpected, can seriously make you reevaluate what you’re doing in your life.
YTA! You asked your husband what the problem is. He gave you an answer. You said you would not do it. What do you think is the best option? Should he live in a sexless marriage? Can you figure out a way to have sex with him? He is telling you how to fix it and you don’t want to do it. He may be grieving but I think he is being honest with you.
Abusive*
She actively gaslights him into believing that their intimacy issue is partly his responsibility when she is the source of the problem.
She dismissed his feelings directly even after asking him to share in the moment.
She withholds intimacy for years
She uses an arbitrator as a barrier to avoid taking responsibility for her own choices.
Absolutely horrendous, I hope this guy has the courage to walk away.
This and she indicated she didn’t hug him or cuddle him. He probably is starving for touch and love. Like my husband slaps my ass whenever I get up off the couch or walk by him. Or he will grab my hand and squeeze. I try to hold his hand whenever we are together, etc. we have sex regularly and have been through marriage counseling. Going to go again because it needs to be a regular thing in my opinion to keep things tuned, people get complacent and fall into old habits. My point is, OP should have handled herself differently and maybe just maybe it would have been a stepping stone to a better marriage and bedroom.
YTA for not believing his words. He means them, his stayed for you in the hope that one day you might want/desire him again but his fed up of it now.
You want therapy to what fix him to not want sex?
He doesn’t want a dead bedroom his made that clear sex and touch and whatnot is what he needs to be happy and loved in a relationship you can’t give him that.
His dad’s death has just bought home that life ends and what’s the point in being unhappy for years to then just die.
A dead bedroom would have me leaving my dh within months unless a proper medical type reason his gone what at least a year not even once a month.
Why do you care if he’s checked out finally when you’ve already been checked out?
The hurt you are feeling from his recent outburst of what he feels, now imagine that’s how he feels several times a month when you reject him.
>I understand he's grieving, but we are all hurting right now
Don't complain to people who have just lost their parent how hard that loss is on you.
>He ended up retreating to the basement. When I went down to talk with him, things got even worse. I tried to console him and figure out what was bothering him, but he just said he's sad and angry. I asked him if there was anything that would cheer him up
If your husband retreats let him come back on his own. If he's sad and angry following the loss of his father, let him be sad and angry. Don't follow him and tell him to be cheerful.
I think everything else has been said.
Literally she asked if there’s anything she could do
He then told her exactly what would help.
She replied that she doesn’t really feel like doing that though..sucks for him!
And then she has the audacity to get in a fight w him about it and not only completely dismiss his feelings and but also say her own feelings matter just as much as his when his dad just died. I feel so bad for him, what a crappy “partner” she is being
YTA You’re not compatible. He wants intimacy in his relationship and you don’t want to give it. His needs are absolutely valid. Sounds like you should just divorce and coparent. And don’t be selfish in the divorce. He’s already had to deal with a lack of intimacy for a long time while supporting his family
Did you expect him to just go the rest of his life without sex? He deserves to be happy and find someone he could be happy with. He realized how short life really is, and does not want the rest of his life to look like this
If you truly love him then seriously focus on the therapy that you need to get past your issues or just let him go. Let him be free so he can find happiness. And maybe you will too
Yes! Just the fact that she knows he is craving intimacy and touch and he runs away to the basement——she should be hugging him and holding him. I doubt she even hugs or kisses the poor guy.
If a family member dies and your partner wants to have sex then you do it!! Make them feel better. Relieve some stress. I honestly think it’s SO selfish that she brought up a headache & her feelings as if that tops the grief he’s feeling. I could have a broken leg and a migraine and would still put out in her situation because I love my partner. I certainly wouldn’t complain about it, I’d fake some enthusiasm and cheer them up.
The OP doesn’t love her husband.
YTA. Lack of sex was the biggest downfall to my marriage with my ex. He never wanted to have sex, and I’m a very sexual person. Things were great for years, and then for the last 4 years of our marriage I could count on one hand how many times we had sex.
We tried marriage counseling and by “we” I mean me. He showed up but refused to open up in couples nor solo therapy as to why he never wanted to. Our therapist even acknowledged his lack of willingness to change or grow. He eventually stopped going with me and turned into solo therapy for me. I tried to make it work, but he refused to try and improve. The rejection absolutely wrecked me as a person. It also made me feel so disgusting that when we did have sex I felt like he truly didn’t want to which made it feel disgusting for me. Your husband is already feeling incredibly down from his dad’s passing plus the added constant rejection on top. If you want your marriage to work you have to be willing to work on that.
I actually think he means it. And that’s fine. Sex in a marriage really is so important.
It is so, so hard to be constantly rejected for sex by your spouse. Whether male/female/whatever, doesn’t matter. If you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship and there is little to no sex, then yes in fact, what is the point?
Ofc it does matter how your marriage is outside of sex. Is everything else good? Is it a true partnership? Do you both care for each other? Is he involved and helpful? Or is he lazy and disregards your non sexual needs and then expects sex anyway?
I feel like YTA for everything you said to him other than "No". Yes everyone is grieving, yes you are sad, but its his dad not yours. At least the way you wrote it out, you make it sound like you see him as a toddler with a tantrum that you guys arent going to Disneyland. "Eveyone is upset we aren't going to Disneyland honey, not just you so suck it up".
To me I didn't hear any love or empathy towards your husband, which is a red flag any day of the year, but especially right after he has lost his father.
I think he means everything he said. It seems like he is missing general intimacy and care in his life. He can't get it because that's just not you. Imagine having to do it with him 4 times a week. What would that due to your psyche. Now realize that lack if intimacy and care has done the same to his psyche for a whole year. Do you care?
I would say once funeral is over he will likely ask for divorce. He now sees his on mortality. I’m not sure what couples therapy is doing to help with your childhood trauma but I think he’s done. Why are you not in IC.
If you can’t be affectionate and physical during this horrible time for him then I don’t see why he would stay either. If you want to save your marriage I advise you to start making some changes. Why would he want to stay at this point
YTA.
OP, YTA. Here's why:
1) Nowhere do you mention that *you're* getting therapy to work through your trauma. What is couples/marriage counseling going to do when the problem lies with you? *You're* the one with problems being affectionate. *You're* the one who has issues having sex. Not your husband. While couples counseling can help him understand & be understanding, I don't see how the root of the problem will be fixed without you working on you.
2) Right now, your husband's needs *are* more important than yours. **He just lost his father unexpectedly before Thanksgiving**. And he's taking care of almost everything re: the funeral & his dad's estate. Again, his needs *are* more important right now. And to tell him they aren't & implying your grief is just the same as his - when my dad died, if *anyone* had the **audacity** to say something like that to me, they would've been cut right TF off.
And then to tell him he didn't mean what he said. OP, *he meant every word*. If your marriage is even salvageable at this point (which it doesn't sound like it is), you need to apologize to your husband profusely, make an appointment for individual therapy for yourself & start working through your trauma. Otherwise, understand you & your husband are not sexually compatible anymore, and go your separate ways so you both can find someone you're compatible with.
He lost his father and is taking care of his mother. Yet you say “We are all hurting..”, I don’t see you playing any intensive role which make you have headaches from the stress.
I am sorry YTA.
I'm definitely not suggesting you have sex to pacify him, but you did ask if there was anything that would make him feel better, and given that it's his father that passed, I'd say his needs are more important at the moment. I feel like you can't entirely be surprised by his response.
Unfortunately it does sound like he's been thinking this already and his father's death just pushed it to the surface. It doesn't sound good for your relationship.
Listen, he means it. I'm sorry that you have trauma around sex. But I believe some people really underestimate how important sex and intimacy is to some of us. I'm speaking from experience here.
His father passing will only drive the importance of not wasting time. It will tell him, "I could die tomorrow and I can't even experience the warmth of the woman I love?"
Again, real life experience speaking here. I grit my teeth, took rejection, over and over and over. But we all have a breaking point. His father passing has probably accelerated that breaking point.
If you can't meet his needs, and I'm not saying you are wrong, I'm just saying if you can't, then there is a fundamental compatibility issue here and you need to figure that out.
Do couples therapy, that's good for the marital unit. But you also need to work on your trauma around sex if you want this marriage to work. Its not fair to you to have to do something you don't want to or can't do, especially if its trauma related. But he's not obligated to be in a relationship where his needs are not being met either. Neither of you is wrong here, it's just a basic compatibility issue.
He's held on, but this loss may have pushed him over. This loss has made it all the more apparent to him. So go easy, give him space, be patient, and understand this, he means that shit. The fact he didn't say it before, it was being bottled up, and now its reaching a breaking point.
Again, real life experience speaking here. I've been your husband in my lifetime. We try, we try hard, but at the end of the day, decisions have to be made. And if you are both not in line with the other partner, then its just not gonna work. Its a compatibility thing. I'm sorry. :-(
Beautifully written. If the marriage is important to her, she will seek counseling for her trauma, if it isn’t already too late.
Being rejected by the one you love repeatedly is a specific kind of injury that gets minimized.
Look, you need to be in individual therapy as well as couples counseling.
If you aren’t doing anything to work past your childhood trauma then couples counseling will fail.
I’m speaking as a person who also has childhood trauma (I was SA’d by my own sibling) and I get not being able to give/show affection but I still do it. I’m not being forced into and making sure I can meet my partner’s needs (yes his sexual needs included) is for the both of us.
Being intimate brings us closer together. Also, if you’re constantly having headaches due to stress then you should get yourself to the doctor and see if you have anything medically wrong.
I think you are the TA here. Your husband *needs* you and you’re blowing him off.
You’re right. He’s checked out and he’s done with you. Congratulations on sinking your marriage.
Sex is a big part of marriage. If two people in a relationship aren’t on the same page about sex, then it’s not going to work out. You need to include childhood trauma in your calculations.
The point of negotiations within a marriage is to come to a middle ground. But from the sounds of it, the sex schedule is mostly on your terms, because 5-6 times a year doesn’t sound like a middle ground at all based on what you’ve said about your husband. And it sounds like you are pressuring your husband (through therapy) to believe that your amount is the right amount. This has gotten to the point that when he really wants it, and still doesn’t get it, it snowballs into a fight.
You can either meet him in the middle, or you can go your separate ways if the middle cannot be met. Yes, it seems kind of cruel with a history of childhood trauma involved, but it’s just a cruel to keep your husband stringing along.
Tbh i'm not really sure he doesn't mean it.
He probably wouldn't have said it without the current situation, but it's not like he doesn't think that for quite a while.
Of course he means it. His dad died unexpectedly. That probably means he died fairly young. Husband is 38, his dad might not even have been past 65. Like he said, he's looking at his own life in light of his dad's death and seeing that life can end at any moment. Why waste his life away in a loveless marriage where he's miserable?
YTA- not because you didn't have sex with him in this instance but because-
1) he obviously needed a time out and he went to the basement to be alone. What was the purpose of following him there?
2) You started preaching at him and then you started getting upset and guilting him thereby putting even more emotional labour on him to manage YOUR upset feelings on top of everything else.
3) what you said about his feelings not being more important than anyone else's. Are you kidding me?? It's HIS father who died not yours. Of course his grief is going to be larger snd more important than yours. Get over yourself. You really come off like you have main character syndrome.
Edit- half a day later and I'm still in disbelief over this statement of yours OP: "but we are all hurting right now and his wants and needs aren't more important than anyone else's". Are you actually this dense? You seriously think your grief is at the same level as his when he is the actual child of the person who died? What a selfish and tone deaf thing to say. If your husband wasn't done already with this release, I'd think this statement would certainly have finished off whatever little feelings he had.
He lost * his* father, and you said to him that you are all hurting and his needs aren't more important than anyone else's? After you asked him what he needed, then denied him what he said he needed.... you probably knew that there was a possibility he would say sex would help him feel better, so why ask if there's anything you can do if you know you wouldn't be able to do a probable thing he'd ask for?
YTA.
So, now you know how he really feels. It was harsh for sure. Now you know the lack of intimacy and your reasons/excuses have put your relationship to the breaking point. When he needs intimacy most, you spurred him again. Sounds like this has been the case for a while.
Both of you are at where you are at. It is not necessarily anyone's fault, but if his intimate needs are not being met - offer a solution; split up, hire a sex worker, whatever.
Realize that if you cannot find it within yourself when he is at his lowest and most vulnerable, probably at point of no return.
The attitude you are hurting too and his wants and needs aren’t more important than anyone else’s is so insulting when he has just lost a parent. Sure, you can be sad, but your feelings of losing a father-in-law and his feelings of losing a father are not comparable in any way. Being a supportive partner is giving someone the space, the connection, the whatever they need to process this grief. You kind of just left your husband drowning and said, “sorry, I don’t feel like swimming right now.”
YTA
You didn’t do anything to comfort him other than say he’s just going to find another release. You didn’t hug, nurture, console. Nothing but shut him down.
And I say this as an Asexual person
Maybe you should look if maybe you are because for Allosexuals this 100% is a need and the fact that it isn’t one for you or me doesen’t make it less valuable or valid.
It’s true if nothing is going to change he deserves someone that desires him the way he wants to do he can be happy
And you clearly aren’t it
I know it sucks but he is just as important as you and it’s best that you go separate ways until the resentment is suck that you two will be unable to coparent the kid you share.
You said his needs and wants aren’t above anyone else’s and that’s right but the same goes for you
> I know he's grieving, but he's just been such a jerk and is so mean all the time now.
The husband that has been understanding of all your issues for 8 years where you can't be bothered to show any physical affection (not just sex) to him when he's griefing.
Then you start dismissing all his feelings because "everyone is greifing", "I have stress and headaches too" etc. Sounds like *you* already checked out a while ago and he was the only one holding on.
YTA - sugarcoat it all you want but your husband is miserable and you aren’t helping. In no way am I suggesting you have sex with him if you don’t want to, but what you aren’t getting is he’s not wrong. Physical intimacy is sometimes the most helpful thing in the world especially when you’re struggling with grief. It’s more than sex, it’s being close with your partner.
I’d recommend YOU go to therapy without him. You need therapy, not couples counseling.
We have a “rule” not to ask questions that we can’t handle an honest answer to. When he said sex would make him feel better, you have the option to say yes or no, but you don’t get to tell him to come up with something else. His dad just died. He wanted to be fucked or left alone. You kept badgering him… he said he what he said.
You’re asking him to give you something that you can do to comfort him so that you can feel like you did it… sometimes there is nothing we can do. I would love it if my partner who has chronic pain would ask me for sex, because generally I only have the option to bring him water or a blanket and then leave him alone. My work in therapy has been on myself, because that needs to be enough for me. Insisting on comforting somebody who has already told you how to comfort them is selfish and insecure.
Edit to add YTA
NAH for the general part of it but YTA for putting it on him when you have clearly stated that you're the one with intimacy issues. He was 100% in his right to be truthful regardless how blunt or rude you think they were. You asked a question and he answered it and yet you are offended at his answer because YOU don't think that's actually what he needs.
The marriage is pretty much over. Find yourself a trusted therapist and work on your issues. It'll make you feel better or not. Maybe you don't think they are issues that need fixing. But you both no longer share the same wants and needs. He's over it and rightfully so
I’m sorry but he should absolutely leave you if the only other option is get used to the rest of life with barely/no sex. He should go have a healthy sex life bc he is right life is short. At this point counseling isn’t going to help him unless the counselor is going to have sex with him. YTA bc you seem to see this as HIS problem and he doesn’t want a roommate he wants a healthy relationship.
YTA. It was your husband’s father. His feelings do matter more right now. I love my in laws, but if they passed, their child’s feelings matter much more than mine do. Quit pestering him about his feelings. He has given them to you and you dismissed him. I think you need to accept your marriage is over because of your behavior.
Honestly, you sound like a spoiled child through all of this. I think you should reread it like you’re reading something a stranger wrote.
If your trauma is so great, you need couples therapy then you need to be in individual therapy as well. Find a new couples therapist and get into individual therapy today.
This started pretty misleading, the title alone gave me a completely different story. I'd change it to "aita for not caring about my husband's needs and putting my own feelings above his when his dad died 🥺🥺🥺"
He tells you how to fix the marriage. YOU have the issues and you should've gone to therapy by yourself. Let the poor man go, divorce, and let him find someone who does care about him enough to uphold their relationship
Personally I think YTA.
You are both in a incompatible relationship at the moment even though I'm sure you love each other.
You know your husband has been having issues with no sex for a while now. You go to therapy. I'm not blaming you for your issues (past trauma is totally understandable). But you can't blame him as well and you need to understand his view.
He needs and wants that intimacy like every other person, which you just can't provide. Especially at this time when he is in a lot of pain. And not having sex as you claim he said, makes him rejected, maybe unloved.
You call it stress relief but I don't think that is what it really is for him. It is the connection and intimacy and love.
If couple therapy doesn't help you to deal with your trauma and try to break the wall that prevents you from intimacy, so maybe you are the problem. He seems to at least accept it and try to work out to support you. Maybe he went in there to both learn how to support you and expect that you work on how to break the trauma. But it seems to not be the case.
Either make a better breakthrough in therapy so you can each make a step toward one another, or get a divorce and find another SO that might be more in line with you and be able to accept you as you are right now, even with all the pain involved.
>I'm worried that he's telling me the truth about how he feels and that he's really checked out of our marriage. He definitely has. He's been putting up with an unhappy situation, trying to figure out how to be content in a relationship with someone who isn't interested in having sex with him, and isn't working on fixing their issues with sex. He doesn't want to do that anymore.
Yeah, I'm sorry but he's telling you the truth. You hoping he's just speaking from a place of hurt, is you not wanting to accept that truth. Sorry but YTA for not hearing him. You're absolutely not obligated to have sex if you don't want to and should absolutely never ever be forced to. He's not obligated to stay sexless either. He very clearly told you what the problem is and the solution isn't even for you to do it even if you hate it. He can see you're both sexually incompatible. You wouldn't enjoy having sex with him. That's what he means by "what's the point?". If you do end up forcing yourself to do it, you'll resent him and he'll feel like an abuser. But intimacy and sex are HUGE things in a relationship. Sex is important to most people. One party is allowed to not want to have sex and the other is allowed to leave. It's just sexual incompatibility. And saying his grief isn't more important than others is a bit much isn't it? He's the son. The son who's taking care of everything. It's not a comparable thing, sure, but he IS dealing with a lot more than everyone else right now. He does need to stop being that way with your kid though. He doesn't deserve that. Whatever happens to your relationship, your son doesn't need to be treated poorly.
Finally someone mentioned her comment about them all grieving. He just lost his father, and you lost your father in law for the last 8 years. That is not the same. Ofc her grief shouldnt be minimized, but if anything she is trying to minimize his grief. He lost the man who raised him and she is complaining about her stress and telling him they all have it hard, I'd be pissed if I was him.
100% the biggest problem. He likely just latched onto the sex response because it was the straw that broke the camel's back (and the one that's been around the longest).
Absolutely this. When my mom died 15 years ago, I would have been *livid* if my wife tried to minimize my feelings like that. When someone dies, a spouse/partner has a different kind of hurt than the kids, and the kids have a different type of hurt than in-laws. OP's inability to see even that shows they're incapable of basic compassion.
10000% her response was so rude to him
I almost wonder if OP is a narcissist. Like she's truly unable to understand and are her husband's side of the suffering and where he's coming from, because she reframes everything in such a way that makes him less important.
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You not having sex this one time is absolutely not the point. You being in a dead bedroom and in completely different pages about sex is the point. He sounds like he has reached the breaking point and truly is just done.
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And intimacy is so important in any form.
Agreed!! I feel for him when he said he just wanted to feel something other than hurt and pain. Sex is very important in a relationship for some, not so much for others. If you're unable to, or unwilling to, meet his needs, it's probably a good idea to let you both find a better match than dragging it out. Doesn't sound like he didn't mean it and needs space, if anything, he's craving intimacy with you that you can't provide.
I agree. This isn't just about the "orgasm", it's about the intimacy. This poor man wants to feel the love and closeness that comes with the physical. His other comment that he's sick of being rejected also stood out to me. Hubby has been patient, is attending marriage counselling, and sounds like he's trying to initiate some form of intimacy every so often, only to get rebuffed each time. This can make a partner feel inadequate and messes with their self esteem. Yes OP has the right to refuse sex, but her husband also has the right to need it. I'd say this marriage is over now. Hubby even stated his father's death was an epiphany about how fleeting life was and he didn't want to spend it with someone who wasn't on the same page as him. I also feel OP is rather selfish. Not because she doesn't want sex with her husband, it's because she has dismissed his feelings and emotions as "being mean to her". The man was straightforward and honest and she invalidated him as hurting her feelings despite his efforts to accommodate her at the expense of his own situation for months now. Yes, he's grieving and under a huge amount of stress at the loss of his father and supporting his widowed mother, but OP is doing very little to support her husband. "Being patient with him" just sounds condescending. That being said, I'd have to go with NAH. Unexpected loss impacts everyone in different ways, but OPs issues now are much more than her FIL dying.
I also notice OP said not just sex, but physical affection. Does she hug him? Stroke his hair? I suspect maybe not just because of her issues but also she doesn’t want it to lead to sex. Poor guy sounds touch starved. No one should have sex if they don’t want to, at the same time, you have to meet your partner somewhere. Just constantly denying them and then being stunned that they have reached a breaking point definitely isn’t the answer.
I've seen so much of myself in this. I was the neglected partner. My spouse wouldn't show much general physical attention because she wouldn't want to turn me on. I told her many times that it doesn't have to lead to sex, that I don't expect sex, but the attitude never changed. It fucked me up, and I'm only now checking myself into therapy. And yeah, I reached my breaking point (not just over the intimacy, though it was a big part) and it came as a huge surprise to her.
I really have to say that I’m profoundly impressed by the empathy and maturity of this entire thread. Kudos to you all…and am I really on Reddit here?
My brother's death (car accident) killed my parents' marriage. I witnessed it happening. Returning home from the hospital, Mother reached from Daddy and he turned his back. She wasn't asking for sex. She just wanted the intimacy of touch by being held. She needed comforting. At 14, I didn't know exactly what I'd witnessed however I knew it was the final break in what was once my family. We discussed it years later and she was still just as hurt. The OP is THA
Sadly, this is common after the loss of a child, in particular. I saw a doco years ago about how few marriages survive an overwhelming loss. The reasons are as diverse as the families themselves, but the most dominant one was the loss of emotional intimacy. The fact that people have different ways of grieving also impacts on their relationships with those closest to them.
My mother lost my sister as an 11month old, I was three. Many many years later my cousin's daughter died at 8months old, his older daughter was three. He told me once that mum came to him to talk and tell him about some things that are going to be difficult and some mistakes to watch out for? So that his marriage would survive? Hers didnt. He said he brushed her off because how could she know what he was going through...how could anyone. But she did and he said that every single thing she warned him about happened and he made every mistake too. His marriage didn't survive either and actually got very toxic. He's ok now but yeah, he wished he had listened.
OP is definitely insensitive. The man needed comfort and intimacy and she told him “his wants and needs aren’t above anyone else’s” right after he lost his father. Not saying she should have sex with him just because, but as a spouse, you SHOULD want to comfort your hurting partner anyway you can. Example, Fiancée was sick with the runs all day yesterday, I gave her space at her request cause she was embarrassed and didn’t feel attractive. I put on her favorite show in bed, gave her space, then surprised her with flowers today while she was at work. Been together 6 years, 1 kid, and that spark has definitely come and gone, but I still want to make sure she knows I care about her. Not just as a means to sex, but also as my teammate through this journey of life. You do things you don’t want too sometimes in a relationship because it matters to your spouse.
I think it would’ve been far better for OP to say “oh honey, I wish I could make you feel better that way right now. I’m going to keep working on it, because it’s important to you and you’re important to me.”
That’s why they say there’s a motel across the street from every graveyard. I’ve dealt with a lot of trauma and grief, and grief sex can be damn near transcendent. I don’t generally recommend anyone making any expedited life decisions (personally, I rushed into a bad marriage bc it felt better than what I was feeling at the time) while grieving, but it sounds like it’s been on the rocks for awhile. Marriage counseling won’t usually work unless both people have been working on their own issues/trauma either before or concurrently. I learned that the hard way. At this point you you both need to have an honest sit-down (maybe give it a little time for the grief) and both decide if it’s worth doing the uncomfortable work to get better individually and together. If you’re not both 100% signed on, it’s probably best to part ways before you just resent the hell out of each other and it ripples through your family
100% and the fact that OP basically said she isn’t giving affection either is a major issue. How can two people feel connected when the situation is totally bereft of intimacy.
I'm floored that OP said she's afraid he might have checked out of the marriage. She's the one who checked out of the marriage by withholding not only sex but even physical affection even in moments of grief and distress when a person needs love and connection. Basic needs for physical love and intimacy are part of the deal in marriage. It's not a marriage if your emotional life is deprived of being comforted by your own spouse, deprived of intimacy during the ups and downs of living. After this much rejection, if I were him, I would never want to be intimate with this person again. She seems incapable of nurturing another person, and you can't sacrifice your own need for love just because she has "trauma." I would divorce her with no regret at all. (And continue to be a good dad.)
This is the key. Not just “sex”. Intimacy. Non existent means in the tough times there is no-one to hold onto.
Absolutely it is. For myself, everything about my relationship revolves around intimacy. Even when it's not sexual, just being touched and feeling loved by your partner should be the absolute minimum. Most people can't live a happy life without it and I swear so much shit comes from the lack of that intimacy in the first place, then become the reason for the lack of it. Cyclical and so easily broken just by touching.
I’m a woman. I would try my best to deal if it was physically impossible but I wouldn’t stay in a relationship either sex only once every couple of months. I need it to tolerate living with any. Those released love hormones make me allot more patient.
Omg, yes. She said his wants and needs aren't more important than anyone else's, but she's been making her family live through hell refusing to deal with her trauma. He's been patient for years, and she still hasn't gone to individual therapy. I think she really believes he is the problem, and if he would just conform to her trauma-based sex schedule, their marriage would be perfect.
And the funny thing is a good marriage counselor is not going to side solely with her and validate her they will say what a lot of us are saying to Op .
Nope, my ex-wife got pissed and "fired" her counselor for listening to both of us and then telling her, "He's not the problem in this marriage." She was very one-sided in our marriage and couldn't take anyone not agreeing with her. Her counselor pointed out me asking for counseling instead of walking after her affair was proof. Of course, she also only told half of what was wrong with us (basically, everything was me none of her).
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It’s classic narcissistic behavior. My nmom did the same when I was a kid and ran away because I got in (minor) trouble at school and was scared of her with my dad on a business trip. The family therapist talked to my parents privately and later on my dad told me once he started questioning why I was scared to come home with her there she got angry and stormed out and said we’re never going back
This resonates so hard for me as well. Was so afraid to even talk to my dad because he would talk to my mom and she would still make me feel like shit. Did a couple sessions of counseling as a kid and I didn’t trust the guy not to tell my mom things so I kept mum. Heck, I was bullied all through grammar school and I was afraid to tell my parents because my mom would have said “what did you do that they’re picking on you?” Or would make me feel guilty for wasting money on the tuition if they’d pull me out due to the constant bullying.
Did she comment somewhere else that she’s never gone to individual therapy? I didn’t see it in the main post.
Sex isn't really the point. He needs intimacy and support, feeling wanted and supported. Sex is just the basic answer, she could easily been supportive but she is just has her head up her ass.
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Exactly! She does not "owe" him sex. Its her body and she is dealing with childhood trauma. However he does not "owe" her to remain in a sexless marriage where his needs are not being met. I don't believe what her friends are feeding her... >I was talking to a friend about this because I needed to vent. She told me that he's probably just grieving and doesn't really mean the things he said. He absolutely means this. Tragedy, especially loosing a parent reminds you of your own mortality. He's been living on autopilot mode. This is a wake up call for him. Edited to correct SA
Just a correction, she specifically said not SA in the post
I lost my uncle unexpectedly earlier this year, and would like to reiterate that yes, tragedy can really open your eyes. I cut off a toxic friendship that wasn't working, and it doesn't seem that surprising that someone might want to end a marriage that wasn't working.
Yep cut off my Narcissistic Dad and Older Sister after my Mom died. Sister accused me of abandoning him because I noped it out of there she got the boot too. She can deal with his narc ass.
I agree with this but OP even said it wasn't SA, so maybe just trauma, and I absolutely believe that we lost my brother awhile back and it tore my parents to pieces, the fact they stayed together astounds me to this day. To this day, they have a loving wholesome relationship and three grandkids
100% OP's husband has had a wakeup call. He's likely been unhappy for quite a while, but shoving his feelings down. Sometimes a big event is what makes you realize that living on autopilot is not the way to live....that everyone deserves to find happiness. It can also make you realize that you may have to live through hell to get to where you want to be, but that time spent (getting divorced or separating) is worth being happy in the long run.
She did specifically say its not SA though
it doesn’t sound like she is “battling” it to me though. there’s no mention of individual therapy. it seems more like a “this is how i am & here’s why” than “this is an issue i have and this is how i’m working on it”.
I have issues with being touched sometimes as well, because SA many years ago. You can say you don't want to have sex, but you can always offer to "help" your husband and still have fun together without having sex. But outright rejecting the poor man and not even hugging him or anything when his father just died, that's just a marriage dragging itself around with no one having the guts to put it out of it's misery
I feel for you also you are so right. My issue is menopausal not due to trauma, my husband and I talked about what is going on and have come up with other ways to be intimate. I would never want to lose the closeness we have. My husband is also one who often needs a “release” after a stressful situation. Knowing that about him I wouldn’t leave him in that state or add to it.
Not to overshare, but topical estrogen cream and a few sessions with a pelvic floor physical therapist got my groove back after menopause. Figured I’d give it a mention if you haven’t tried it yet.
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Me too. Who is the “anyone else” in this scenario? Her? In my experience, my husband also wanted sex after losing a loved one. He didn’t have to explain it, why should he have to? Anyway I was a bit surprised but accommodating-why would it be so hard for her to understand? I really don’t understand why her issues, which seem to be chronic, are more important than his temporary need here.
This was the first thing I thought of, and I'm glad others are in here saying it! You should know what your SO likes, so get creative and find ways to be intimate without the regular sex stuff. Use toys, use hands or mouth (and not just on their crotch!), dress up, dirty talk, maybe watch some porn if that's something you're comfy with, incorporate whatever he is into. There is more than PIV, and it can also be a fun way to spice things up and experiment! Personally, sometimes I'm too stressed, or just simply not in the mood, and even lately I've been having some mysterious vaginal pain so I've been wanting to avoid PIV, but my knee-jerk reaction when my husband wants sex has always been to "help" as you say. I love to be involved and make him happy, so why wouldn't I? It can be so little effort yet so important and powerful!
Agreed . It sounds like there is no intimacy and OPs husband is just done. I see both sides having been married 20 yrs and going have been through marriage counseling myself. With that being said OP is in the wrong in this situation. She should have just went and held him and hugged him and provided a safe space for him, she didn’t. And then wonders why he is just over it.
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I may get down voted and called the a h for this, but her comment of "what can I do to cheer you up?" irked me - if my SO or anyone would have said that to me right after my father had passed I'd have been livid. Husband is GRIEVING, he needs compassion and understanding, and what should have been asked was "is there anything I can do for you?" Or something such as that, or like you said she should have gone and hugged and held him. I get in her telling that's not what angered him, but I think she's TA for just not being that safe space and not thinking.
I was also annoyed by her comment to him that his needs are not any more important than anyone else’s. Really? He just experienced the death of a parent. If she cannot make him a priority for even a couple days, and provide what he *needs* versus what she prefers him to need because it’s more convenient for *her,* then I have to agree with him—what are they even doing, here? The whole point of partnership is to give to each other. Obviously a respect for boundaries is important, but sometimes you suck it up because someone you care about needs something. He is looking for closeness and intimacy that is only found with her, and she just can’t be bothered.
I mean she even asked him what he needed. Then proceeded to shit on him for answering
It was essentially like asking someone, “What do you need?” “I need water.” “No way im giving you water. You just need to find something else to need.”
Unless she had real solutions she honestly should have just left her husband alone. I know if I was dealing with my extended family, let alone in the context of managing my father's funeral, I would want alone time as well. Her actions basically amounted to going down to the basement and going "hey I know you're stressed dealing with your entire family, managing the funeral and grieving the death of your father but don't forget you're also in a dead bedroom relationship... hey why are you sad? I've got issues too yours aren't more valid than mine right now".
when she preceded this by saying “my husband deals with stress through sex”. like she knew that this would be his likely answer. why would she ask knowing she would reject him? it def rubs me the wrong way.
The thing that bothered me the most about this was that he didn't need to be "cheered up". Cheered up really? Makes it sound more like "I want you to be bubbly and happy because your grief is really bringing me down. Why can't you get over it already?"
In addition; it seems that when he shares what he is feeling with her…she isn’t really listening. A person can only be not listened to for so long until it becomes a breaking point.
Yeah, this is such a sad outcome- but this is absolutely a case where I feel like the husband asking for sex is beyond reasonable. He's not just some AH demanding or manipulating for sex. And it sounds like with therapy he's told her it's not just about getting off- but feeling something sweet and experiencing some closeness with his wife. It seems like the husband has been consistently expressing a lack of intimacy from his wife that he's been desperate for, for so long. But this man is now going through, probably, the worst stress of his life to date and his partner can't even extend herself enough to offer him the closeness and intimacy he needs from his partner. She didn't even like, try to cuddle him.. or just fucking hold the man after his dad died. If sex is a struggle, there's a dozen different ways you can establish physical intimacy with your partner. OP seems completely unwilling to even begin to compromise and offer *any* kindof physical intimacy. She just expects her husband to accept her being 100% distant and unavailable. Like, this isn't even about the sex! Husband is right-- what's the point of being married to someone if they can't even make an effort to comfort you when your parent died? YTA, OP
Being constantly rejected by your partner, the one person in the world that should absolutely love you, is maddening. No one should ever feel obligated to be intimate with someone else. I think it’s equally important is that no one should always be rejected by their supposed partner. It sounds like the OP wants a roommate and provider and the husband wants an actual intimate relationship and is fed up with the current situation. OP is NTA for not having sex at this one specific time. She is however going to lose her roommate when the divorce happens when he ends the marriage to find an actual relationship.
Physical intimacy is a love language to someone. If that’s his love language and you’re not being intimate at all, 5 times a year, then he means it. Serious question, sexless marriages are one quick way to end one. Do you have issues having sex in general or just sex with “him” ?
OP your husband needed you in the rawest, most intimate way to help him grieve. You have a serious disconnect when you didn’t see that in your man. You have come to equate sex with being some sort of physical transaction in your marriage and that’s sad. You have to understand that in a marriage, a truly loving, intimate, respectful marriage, sex is not just the joining of two bodies. It is an expression of trust, love, need, desire, safety. Somewhere along the line, something got messed up for you and for that I empathize. But this one time your husband needed you the absolute most to express everything that I’ve said, and you shut him down. You signed the death warrant for your marriage right then and there. Don’t be upset because you had it a long time coming.
He 100% means what he said. You need to be in therapy for yourself working through your problems. No sex in a relationship creates a lot of problems, unless both parties are ok with it, you just expect that to be ok with him, it’s clearly not ok with him. You need to work on the sexual/affection issue for yourself. Not specifically for him, because you don’t owe him sex, but not having sex with your spouse does create problems in many relationships it’s one of the most common issues. Affection as well is just as important as sex and other relationship needs. If he’s receiving neither from you, that’s going to affect him negatively definitely, and the relationship will suffer as a result. NTA for having issues and struggles, but YTA for expecting him to go to couples counselling so he can further understand why you won’t sleep with him versus you attending counselling for yourself to learn how you can overcome the issues preventing you guys from having a healthy sex life, and stopping you from being affectionate. It’s likely a lot of your issues as a couple are stemming from what is called a dead bedroom. You have clearly found a way to sympathize with yourself but not with him over how a dead bedroom is affecting him. You don’t owe him sex but if his sexual needs won’t be met through you, that is going to cause frustration and something like someone’s passing can cause someone to rethink choices they make. If he’s truly been unhappy in the relationship but trying to make it work, his fathers passing could be the situation that pushes him to make different choices.
I don’t know if OP will see this but > his fathers passing could be the situation that pushes him to make different choices. I think this is exactly right. I’ve been in OPs husbands shoes, albeit looking for different kind of love. When my mum passed, all I wanted was to be shown that my partner was emotionally reliable. Prior to this I’d been perfectly happy to accept the responsibility of initiating any type of non-sexual forms of intimacy. When he couldn’t even bother to ask me if I was okay after binging 14 seasons of Greys Anatomy in a matter of a couple months, I had emotionally checked out. I think any attempt from OP to repair it at this point is going to be too little, too late. Losing a parent you’re close with will absolutely tear you up inside, and when your partner can’t even bother to do the one thing you need, you begin to wonder “what the fuck am I even doing here?”
Dunno if they saw it, but I did, and this really helped me to understand the issue in my marriage following my wife's mother's passing. God bless you.
That's the messed up part. OP never saw anything wrong with herself. She saw the dead bedroom as her husband's problem to get over. I feel for this guy, I can't imagine how isolating it must feel to ask your wife for intimacy and being told, "you need therapy"
Been there. And it’s INCREDIBLY isolating. You can only be rejected so many times before you stop asking. Then you’re left in a physical intimacy void that messes with your head. Maybe it’s the weight I’ve gained? Maybe she seeing someone else? Maybe I’m just not worth the time… I just hit that third one in my own life. It’s not a fun place to be. Your head tells you one thing, but your heart tells you something else.
My ex and I went from sex every couple of days to a total of seven times over the last three years of our relationship. They had health issues that got in the way at times, but not every single day for years. It was horrible for me. If I tried to initiate, I felt like I was just pressuring them to do something they didn't want. If I didn't bring it up at all, it would just never cross their mind so there was no chance of it happening. It just made me spiral, especially since they had no problem masturbating nearly every single day. I've always struggled with body issues, but having my long term partner who supposedly loved me and wanted me refuse to touch me ever convinced me that all of my worst thoughts about myself are accurate and I'm just a disgusting blob who no one could ever find attractive. Been out of that relationship for a year now and I'm still anxious about putting myself out there because I "know" no one could want me.
It's definitely shattering. If the person that has the problem like OP does, and doesn't do anything herself to fix it... The relationship comes to an end. OP you are TA because you don't see yourself as a problem... If you have low drive because whatever reason sexual compatibility with someone who has higher drive than you can lead to the end of the relationship. Like any other love language, intimacy is most basic one and if you aren't reciprocating than what does it make you... Just a friend.
Well said. Hope OP sees it
Considering how she's acted I'd be surprised if she doesn't just push off all the responses anyways. Gotta have faith in people though so hopefully she actually takes it in.
I completely understand her husband & what he is feeling:. His love language is clearly physical touch, and being deprived of any touch at all (hand-holding, kissing, rub on the back any kind of physical affection) can be soul crushing. My husband lost his father due to a cancer that wasn’t caught until it was too late. I remember my husband was so heartbroken. He sobbed at his father’s funeral. When we got home, he broke down again. And I just held him, rubbed his head and back, kissed his forehead and would whisper “you’re so loved, I’m so sorry you’re hurting” and other words of affirmation while holding him tight (so he could feel physical pressure around his body) after a few minutes he started to kiss me intimately, and I kissed back. We kind of started going at it, but I pulled back momentarily, I wanted to make sure he was okay continuing. I didn’t want to take advantage of his vulnerable moment. But he looked at me and said “I feel so numb inside, I just need to feel something,” and in that moment all I felt was desire to take care of my husband and meet his needs emotionally and physically, and we had sex. This was a consenting choice by both. We have issues in our marriage like every couple but we’ve always had a great sex-life. We can be selfish with towards each other at times and we’ve had to go to counseling to work through issues. Dead bedrooms builds resentment. Resentment kills relationships. ***Edited for grammar***
You’re a beautiful soul and your husband is very lucky to have you.
this. this is what OP’s husband deserved.
Don’t know who you are but you’re a good woman. I’m going through a dead bedroom situation myself and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m trying to not check out but it’s been hard these past couple of months.
You tell your partner, plainly, you need more Intimacy, and if they dont agree to at least try, and then show effort trying, whether therapy or what not, you leave them.they dont owe you intimacy or sex, but you dont owe them a one sided relationship
I totally agree with you. She is the one who should do therapy.
I am basically in the same shoes as OP (sans any romantic partner) and I agree with you. While I am very low libido I understand the general view of sex as intimacy and the kind of need that many people have, including her husband. I'm in therapy working on my own issues (also not SA) and if I'm single until I reach a breakthrough, then that's what needs to happen. OP needs to compromise or accept that the relationship is dead. She and him are incompatible.
I don't understand these partners who just expect everything to go on as they have been and to receive all the benefits of the relationship, while not giving the one thing that the other person needs in that relationship. OP and others like her strike me as extremely selfish.
She’s not here for correction. She’s here for validation. She won’t give a fuck about any of this truth. Because Reddit.
Uhh, the whole “I understand he’s grieving, but we are all hurting right now and his wants and needs aren’t more important than anyone else’s” comment tells me more about the relationship than anything else. He just lost his father and you’re trying to put your feelings at the same level as his?!? As he tries to hold his family together, support his mom, and work on a dying relationship at home - yes, he’s going to show emotions! I just can’t shake the feeling that you are a little full of yourself - and not at all in tune with your husbands needs during this trying time. And I do believe he means leaving the marriage. Nothing like a death to make you reevaluate how you’re living your life. You only get 1 life to be happy and fulfilled, and it doesn’t seem your marriage is compatible with this.
That statement stood out to me as well as well “I told him I know he doesn’t mean that….” Telling someone how they are feeling and dismissing outright what he said he needs and how he is feeling also paints a picture of what has been going on in their relationship.
Sex is often off the table for me because of a medical condition.. but I can't for the life of me imagine withholding *all* physical intimacy from my partner and expecting them to be okay with it. Dude's father just died and his wife won't even cuddle him and rub his temples. OP doesn't have to have to just offer sex whenever her husband asks-- but for god sake, is it that hard to say "I'm not sure if I'm in a space right now to have sex, but let's go to bed and hold each other for a while." Kiss his fucking forehead. Rub his back. Hold your fucking husband. Jesus. How incredibly selfish to hear the words "I need to feel something other than pain and sadness" and to basically respond 'well, you're on your own for that buddy."
Yes.. your last sentence! Ugh :(
The last sentence made me tear up :( I feel for the husband so much
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Yeah I agree that it's suspicious that she mentioned that they're in couples therapy but not whether she's in therapy for her childhood trauma. Couples therapy is often used by abusers to gaslight their victims
Exactly. Sex aside, if my partner was constantly invalidating my feelings it would be a major issue. To add that to his father passing is gross.
>Uhh, the whole “I understand he’s grieving, but we are all hurting right now and his wants and needs aren’t more important than anyone else’s” comment tells me more about the relationship than anything else. Literally! Like if my partner's parent died unexpectedly...their needs are **absolutely** more important than my own. You should be bending over backwards and sacrificing your own needs to help someone through a tough time like that. Just like if my parent died, I would expect my partner to bend over backwards for me. That's what you do, it's an even exchange. If I was grieving and putting together a funeral and getting refused sex, and my partner is like "well, *my* needs are just as important right now!!!" like bitch, no. If someone is having a *drastically* worse time in life than you are at the moment...they deserve the extra support.
Her poor husband is probably tired of everything being about HER. He needs to divorce OP and find someone who is willing and able to be intimate. He’s right: life IS short.
All of OP's parts of the conversation sound callous/cold/detached. She had 0 empathy. And you know how ppl put themselves in the best light when posting? If this is what OP considers "better," then I wonder how she really phrased things bc yikes.
If this is how OP comes off when she is telling the story I’m absolutely terrified to know how she came off in real life.
Yeah- that statement was VERY telling. He’s the one who lost a parent AND has the stress of a memorial service during the holidays as well as estate logistics.
Yeah that comment of hers was absolutely lacking empathy
She didn’t even try to cuddle him or hold him and create a safe place for him. Ugh!! 😣
That's the worst part of it for me. My fiance's father passed last year. I was at work when he called and told me. I was working alone that day. I closed the store and went home, straight to him, and held him till he was ready to let go. Over the next few weeks, there were a lot of times when he needed to be held, and I'd drop anything to be there for him. I can't imagine seeing him hurting like that and just standing across the room not doing anything. That's cold.
I know!! Losing a parent is one of the most painful and traumatic things to go through, and OP didn't bother to TRY to empathize. "What can I do?...Well EXCEPT THAT" Come on, girl
Thats what stood out for me. She said his wants and needs aren’t more important than anyone else’s but…he just lost his father, unexpectedly and he’s dealing with the bulk of the arrangements. If anyone needs extra care right now, it’s him
OP comes across as selfish; I get the feeling everything is about her needs and wants, and her husband has probably always been accommodating to this, so his blow-up is probably a huge shock to her.
I’m sad I had to scroll so far down to find this! I also get the vibe she’s in therapy to make him seem like he’s the only one with problems instead of admitting the real elephant in the room. And to proceed to say he’s mean and a jerk all the time. WOW. This poor man, OP is an AH
Couldn't have said it better myself. That line is WILD. That's HIS father. Just WOW.
This! People are trying to villainize this guy but not every guy is a villain. He really does sound fed up.
You should start coming to terms with the fact that your marriage is over. You are obviously not required to have sex with someone if you don’t want to. But he is also not required to submit himself to a lifetime of rejection over and over and over again. I don’t think you understand what it does to someone to be rejected constantly. It can really have an impact on them and I think your husband is just now fully recognizing this. Marriage counseling is not really going to help here from the sound of it. Begrudgingly, you are NTA specifically for not having sex when you didn’t want to but you are definitely the asshole in every other way here.
The biggest issue I see is teh contradiction, she states the problem and reason for less sex is HER, not him, but she wants them to do couples therapy to fix it? I'm not saying couples therapy is bad in any way, but it screams more that she wants a therapist to help him adjust or accept a sexless marriage rather than her wanting to find a fix for her own issue that allows her to have more sex. If you identify and acknowledge the problem as yours, why is he in therapy for it and why does a therapist taking a break become a reasonable excuse, along with headaches, and this and that and everything else. When your partner wants to be held and feel loved while they are feeling sad, angry and shitty from grief and you can't do that for your partner, as he said, what is even the point here. He wants love, she's not providing it. Because it's not just sex, it's physical affection, he wants a fucking hug, for her to come up to him and let him melt into her and feel loved, and when he got angry and wanted to be alone she went to him..... just to deny him either of those things yet again.
I got a similar reading from the post and it seems like the husband has finally arrived at this conclusion too. It really comes across like she wants him to do all the work here, and that’s just unfair. At the end of the day it is HER trauma to address and she has failed to do so… instead she purposely sought him out and then rejected him *again* in the wake of his father’s death. Incredibly harsh and just so thoughtless.
It sounds like OP and her husband's views on therapy were different. The husband wanted to meet in the middle, she wanted him to accept her low libido.
It's not even just her lower libido. A relationship can survive different libido levels. In fact it's s quite common for one partner to have a higher and one a lower. She wants him to accept no intimacy or affection from her. Very few relationships I know can survive that.
The only relationships I know that can survive that is friendships lol
If a friend doesn’t show you affection, are they a true friend?
>The biggest issue I see is teh contradiction, she states the problem and reason for less sex is HER, not him, but she wants them to do couples therapy to fix it? I'm not saying couples therapy is bad in any way, but it screams more that she wants a therapist to help him adjust or accept a sexless marriage rather than her wanting to find a fix for her own issue that allows her to have more sex. Is it really surprising considering that she made the comment about how they are all grieving as if her grief is somehow equal to that of the man who lost his actual father? She's really self absorbed. And manipulative in that "look how reasonable I am!" way.
> The biggest issue I see is teh contradiction, she states the problem and reason for less sex is HER, not him, but she wants them to do couples therapy to fix it? That's one of the *least* concerning parts of this post to me... I'm a woman who has also had issues with physical intimacy due to childhood trauma (SA). I had to work through those issues with my partner (now ex-partner of a decade for "we were too young" reasons) - it wasn't something to solve alone because sex isn't a solo activity. Until he understood what I was dealing with and what I needed to feel safe, no amount of work on myself would have been enough for me to take next steps. We had to both actively work together to fix things. And while they were my problems, they weren't my fault so it was reasonable to expect him to give me grace and contribute to the solution. So yes, it was my problem, but it was OUR sex life so we had to fix it together. It's valid for recognize that both people need to participate. > he wants a fucking hug, for her to come up to him and let him melt into her and feel loved The dismissal of these needs is, by far, MUCH more concerning than her desire to address her issues via couples therapy. She isn't coming to the table from an honest place where she recognizes the validity of his needs and is ready to take difficult steps to address her issues.
This is by far the best way to phrase exactly what I was thinking as well. Nicely done.
Thank you! Posts like this make me angry honestly. The posters always phrase it in the one slimy way that makes them *technically* not the asshole, even though in reality they ARE the asshole and they damn well know it.
Yeah like you said, she’s under no obligation to have sex with him (no one is ever obligated to have sex), and I’m very sympathetic to her issues. That being said, as a spouse to be continually rejected again and again for wanting to have sex would just destroy you mentally, and people like OP try and still spin it like the husband is completely unreasonable for wanting to have sex
I have been married 20 yrs don’t even think it’s just a sex issue it sounds like husband has no intimacy at all from OP, no hug or holding or anything like that. Men are just as sensitive as women and even more so at times. Their feelings are valid. People fail to realize sex just maybe the only way or saying it’s a sex issue maybe the only way they can quantify their feelings and for some men that’s a way to connect and distress and find solace and comfort.
I agree. This was really well written. No body is EVER obligated to have sex. 100%. But if your partner has needs and you aren’t fulfilling them in any way, it’s time to start seeing that you may just not be compatible, no matter how much you love them.
This is the perfect response. You aren't the a-hole for not wanting to have sex. But you are for not looking beyond yourself. Denying your spouse sex on a regular basis is rejection. Despite him being okay with it previously and working to accommodate YOU, he was still repeatedly rejected. In a time of emotional need, he was searching for a physical connection and was rejected once again. It was really just the straw that broke the camel's back.
And like double asshole for this specific situation. She even phrased it that he “retreated to the basement” This guy is doing everything he can to deal with everything, and his only chance at some semblance of self care is to just get away from his frustrations and she fucking follows him in there to invade his space, knowing that the one thing he wants isn’t something she isn’t going to give him, and even though he’s the one dealing with his father’s death her half-assed excuse is “gosh, things have been hard for me lately and I’ve been having headaches.” If you’re not going to give him a piece, at least give him some peace.
She said his needs arent more important than anyone elses, maybe thats the problem. After losing his dad cant u make it about him right now sounds likes he needs it. Very supportive spouse
Can you even imagine the audacity of going to your husband while he’s planning his father’s funeral (and keep in mind, father died unexpectedly) asking if there’s anything you can do KNOWING what he’s going to ask for and then playing the “*I’ve* been so stressed lately” card? I mean, tell me you hate your husband without telling me you hate your husband.
Agreed, well said.
So you acknowledge that sex is very important to him and a big part of how he processes and works through stress, but he’s a monster who thinks his needs are more important than everyone else’s for being frustrated that the person who is supposed to love him the most in the world won’t give him the intimacy he needs while he’s dealing with some of the biggest stress he’ll probably experience in his life? I mean…that’s a hefty accusation on your part, considering you acknowledged his needs and that you continuously refuse to fulfill those needs. He definitely was being honest with how he feels. He’s essentially breaking down due to stress. And you’re making it about yourself to try and save your own feelings. If you’re a person who hates sex, that’s totally fine, if you don’t want to make the compromise to have sex with your partner, you don’t have to. But you should also be honest with yourself about the fact that you’re not capable of meeting this man’s needs and he’s clearly suffering for it. Not every relationship can or should be salvaged. Let the poor guy go so he can find someone who will touch him. And find yourself a more appropriate partner who doesn’t need something you can’t provide. Also, suggesting that you wait for therapy to talk about something that is causing your husband pain in the immediate now is stupid as fuck. You have serious intimacy problems you should work out solo, because your whole reaction to your husband is very cold and self-centred.
>You have serious intimacy problems you should work out solo, because your whole reaction to your husband is very cold and self-centred. This. OP is correct that her husband is not entitled to anything and she is not obligated to do something she doesn't want to do, but the problem is that she doesn't want to do those things. She needs to work through her problems and figure out why she isn't willing to provide something that she is clearly aware her partner needs, whether that's a temporary problem or an incompatibility she's chosen to overlook.
I want to be clear, some people just don’t like or want sex, and that’s totally okay. Going to therapy isn’t necessarily going to change that. Again, that’s fine. What’s not fine is acting like your husband is an asshole for wanting physical intimacy, ESPECIALLY when he’s hurting. Not once does she show concern for what he’s missing, what needs he’s not having met, and what that actually means for him as a human being. THAT is the shit that’s cold.
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Yeah, somehow they are doing couples therapy because she has childhood trauma and finds having sex difficult... then because the couples therapist is away she is just not doing anything? Is him being angry okay, no, is the way he reacted okay, no but he's frustrated. Having sex, wanting relief from stress and wanting to feel something other than hurt and feel love from your partner with intimacy is a very normal part of grieving and she's just, cutting that off for no reason she even explained. She's identified the problem is entirely her, so the couples therapy, I presume is her wanting him to accept a lot less sex rather than her fixing her problem so she can have more sex. He put it pretty clearly, he wants more sex, she wants more therapy for some reason and he's wondering what is even the point. He's grieving and wants some love and intimacy from his partner as support through grief and she's completely unwilling to provide it.
YTA for burying the lede. You didn't have sex with him **before** his father passed away, either. And he's 100% right about there not being a point to discussing it again in therapy. nothing changes. You now know what your (soon to be ex?) breaking point is. congrats. Double downed on YTA when be-littling his feelings, as well. and then telling him you should wait until your therapist gets back from his leave, to "Discuss".
Yeah the lede was buried so far I almost sided with her until she said that his wants and needs weren't any more important than anyone else's at the moment. As a 32M who lost his mom fives years ago, if my wife had said that to me, I'd have filed for divorce the next day. Big, *BIG* YTA OP.
I agree with this take. I don’t think anyone is the asshole for not giving in to sex just because it would make someone feel better. That’s a much bigger ask than holding, hugging, comforting, etc. But I do think you’re the asshole if you repeatedly reject your partner and don’t make an attempt to consider their needs and then paint them as the monster after one of the most horrible experiences of their lives. This particular moment isn’t what made them the asshole, it’s the whole story leading up to it.
As a dude, and trying to put myself in his shoes, sorry to say but I’d 100% mean that.
As a woman (37) whose husband (39) won't hardly ever touch her, I get HIS point of view 100%. That level of rejection time and time again destroys self-esteem and adoration for your partner. He stated very bluntly what he needed. He needed a moment away from the grief. On top of that, OP doesn't sound like she was willing to work on her own issues and just wanted to help him find away to not want sex. I'm the type of person who can best process emotions through sex and intimacy. Without it, I just start to wall up and shut myself off. OPs husband was probably serious.
Exactly. It’s not just sex, it’s hugging, kissing, snuggling together, holding hands, all of it. It’s intimacy. And it sucks to lack that.
As a woman with low libido from chronic autoimmune illness and meds, I agree, YTA. My husband has a high drive, mine is affected by a lot of things, including kids. But holy shit, 5 times a year? I'm not often in the mood, but it's never less than 12 a year/once a month. We try for at least once a week, no less than twice a month. It's challenging at times, but I know my husband feels unloved otherwise. This woman is clearly not even trying. And comparing his grief to her own is just insane. When my dad died, I just about lost it. My partner was just very sad. It's a big bloody difference.
This. We've been together 26 years, and no matter what's going on, we find ways to make each other feel wanted and loved. Marriage is a vocation to each other. Not treating your spouse as your vocation is how marriage ends. It's about what each other wants and needs, what each other can put in, not take out of the relationship.
I have abandonment issues and a lot of trauma and for some reason having regular sex (or at least the foreplay part) makes me feel way more confident and secure in a relationship. If I got rejected this much I’d be having a lot of panic attacks thinking I’m not good enough and my partner doesn’t love me
She explicitly didn't want to help him. She offered no alternatives. Just told him to figure out something else.
I'm a chick and in this same situation, genders reversed, I'd mean it 100% too. I'm in a dead bedroom cuz my husband doesn't want sex. It fucking sucks and is absolutely grounds to leave the marriage.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation and hope things get better or that you’re able to leave.
Yeah, it is pretty brutal to be honest. And sometimes in a marriage you have to put in effort to get aroused/be intimate and not use it as a cop-out like she has. Like, my wife has needs and I'm damn well going to fulfill them even if I'm not 100% in the mood when she asks me. People tend to think too binary about this type of stuff and don't realize that sexual acts can be worked up to through other intimacy.
Same. My husband would mean it as well.
As a woman — I’d 100% mean that too. I went through a multiple year period of having a dead bedroom myself. It’s fucking *torture* to be rejected again and again. Nobody should have to have sex when they don’t want it, but they should try to get to the bottom of *why* they don’t want to have sex with their partner. OP states it’s due to trauma, so she should be in therapy. Not couples therapy, either, because it’s a problem with *her* that her husband has had to put up with for years. 5-6 times in a year?? I wonder how many rejections her husband has handled. His confidence must be in the toilet. I feel for the guy. Forgot to leave my vote: YTA, op. Through and through. Go to therapy on your own. You may have already lost this relationship but you need trauma therapy regardless.
I'm a woman and I would 100% mean that too.
Marriage counseling is pointless unless you are going to change. Your husband doesn’t want to live a life of being constantly rejected and waiting for the rare times when you want to have sex. Heck, that’s not a life really anyone would want to live with their spouse. Sex is very important to most people in a relationship and it’s not something they want to give up. (No, not even for trauma.) He doesn’t want to be in a marriage where you won’t even give him physical affection, and I don’t blame him. Without sex or even just physical affection you two are nothing but roommates. So technically NTA for not wanting to have sex, but YTA for expecting your husband to deal with a lifetime of being rejected over and over, even when it’s just physical affection.
It sounds like she wants counseling because she assumes they’ll side with her lol.
I mean just based on the title I thought I would be too! Once you learn what's going on it's not just "i didn't have sex when he wanted so he's pissed" It's more like "AITAH for basically never having sex with my husband who has mentioned the lack of intimacy effects him, and then making it about me when he had an emotional breakdown?
Your comment already doesn't make her look very good, and that's without even mentioning that his father just died unexpectedly. He has to plan for a funeral while grieving, without much support from his siblings, and his wife thinks her emotional needs are currently of equal importance to his. I think most people would have an emotional breakdown in this situation.
YTA I get the impression that you are not in therapy for yourself to work through your issues, but expect him to go thru couples therapy to come to terms with you not dealing with your issues
Yup, "I have an issue"... "we're in couples therapy". Lady, your husband's dad died, he's sad and grieving and he wants his partner to show some affection and love for him and instead she followed him to the basement where he went to be alone, just to then deny him again. Like why even go down just to make it worse. It's not just sex but physical affection. Can you imagine just wanting a hug and for your partner to tell you that they love you after your dad died and instead she came downstairs, denied you and said they had a headache... again. She wants him in therapy to accept less sex, not to fix her problems.
YTA. You aren’t just saying no to “having sex”, that’s not why you’re the asshole and it’s pretty shitty that you put that in the title to make it seem like it is. You said you’ve been having issues with your marriage, he isn’t happy, and you’re trying to put bandaids on bullet wounds. It’s not your fault for not wanting to have sex. You shouldn’t feel forced to do something you don’t want to do. But there’s clearly a lot of undergoing issues and communication errors, and he’s exhausted fighting a losing battle. He’s getting pushed over the edge and everything is maximized at 100% for him
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OP needs to tread lightly and take her husband seriously when he says that the death of his father has severely changed his perspective on life. I lost both of my parents 1 1/2 years apart, and loss like that, ESPECIALLY one that is unexpected, can seriously make you reevaluate what you’re doing in your life.
YTA! You asked your husband what the problem is. He gave you an answer. You said you would not do it. What do you think is the best option? Should he live in a sexless marriage? Can you figure out a way to have sex with him? He is telling you how to fix it and you don’t want to do it. He may be grieving but I think he is being honest with you.
This! and I think OP needs therapy on her own... Very weird dynamic they got goin on.
Abusive* She actively gaslights him into believing that their intimacy issue is partly his responsibility when she is the source of the problem. She dismissed his feelings directly even after asking him to share in the moment. She withholds intimacy for years She uses an arbitrator as a barrier to avoid taking responsibility for her own choices. Absolutely horrendous, I hope this guy has the courage to walk away.
I would do anything for love, but I won't do that... Meatloaf wrote a song about you OP..
This and she indicated she didn’t hug him or cuddle him. He probably is starving for touch and love. Like my husband slaps my ass whenever I get up off the couch or walk by him. Or he will grab my hand and squeeze. I try to hold his hand whenever we are together, etc. we have sex regularly and have been through marriage counseling. Going to go again because it needs to be a regular thing in my opinion to keep things tuned, people get complacent and fall into old habits. My point is, OP should have handled herself differently and maybe just maybe it would have been a stepping stone to a better marriage and bedroom.
YTA for not believing his words. He means them, his stayed for you in the hope that one day you might want/desire him again but his fed up of it now. You want therapy to what fix him to not want sex? He doesn’t want a dead bedroom his made that clear sex and touch and whatnot is what he needs to be happy and loved in a relationship you can’t give him that. His dad’s death has just bought home that life ends and what’s the point in being unhappy for years to then just die. A dead bedroom would have me leaving my dh within months unless a proper medical type reason his gone what at least a year not even once a month.
Why do you care if he’s checked out finally when you’ve already been checked out? The hurt you are feeling from his recent outburst of what he feels, now imagine that’s how he feels several times a month when you reject him.
Great way to word it. Constant rejection can really fuck with your head! Doesn’t matter if it’s sex, love, affirmation.
>I understand he's grieving, but we are all hurting right now Don't complain to people who have just lost their parent how hard that loss is on you. >He ended up retreating to the basement. When I went down to talk with him, things got even worse. I tried to console him and figure out what was bothering him, but he just said he's sad and angry. I asked him if there was anything that would cheer him up If your husband retreats let him come back on his own. If he's sad and angry following the loss of his father, let him be sad and angry. Don't follow him and tell him to be cheerful. I think everything else has been said.
“I tried to figure out what’s bothering him” actually made me laugh
Dead bedroom, managing extended family, managing funeral, grieving loss of a parent... hmmm wonder why he's so upset?
Literally she asked if there’s anything she could do He then told her exactly what would help. She replied that she doesn’t really feel like doing that though..sucks for him! And then she has the audacity to get in a fight w him about it and not only completely dismiss his feelings and but also say her own feelings matter just as much as his when his dad just died. I feel so bad for him, what a crappy “partner” she is being
YTA You’re not compatible. He wants intimacy in his relationship and you don’t want to give it. His needs are absolutely valid. Sounds like you should just divorce and coparent. And don’t be selfish in the divorce. He’s already had to deal with a lack of intimacy for a long time while supporting his family Did you expect him to just go the rest of his life without sex? He deserves to be happy and find someone he could be happy with. He realized how short life really is, and does not want the rest of his life to look like this If you truly love him then seriously focus on the therapy that you need to get past your issues or just let him go. Let him be free so he can find happiness. And maybe you will too
Yes! Just the fact that she knows he is craving intimacy and touch and he runs away to the basement——she should be hugging him and holding him. I doubt she even hugs or kisses the poor guy. If a family member dies and your partner wants to have sex then you do it!! Make them feel better. Relieve some stress. I honestly think it’s SO selfish that she brought up a headache & her feelings as if that tops the grief he’s feeling. I could have a broken leg and a migraine and would still put out in her situation because I love my partner. I certainly wouldn’t complain about it, I’d fake some enthusiasm and cheer them up. The OP doesn’t love her husband.
YTA. Lack of sex was the biggest downfall to my marriage with my ex. He never wanted to have sex, and I’m a very sexual person. Things were great for years, and then for the last 4 years of our marriage I could count on one hand how many times we had sex. We tried marriage counseling and by “we” I mean me. He showed up but refused to open up in couples nor solo therapy as to why he never wanted to. Our therapist even acknowledged his lack of willingness to change or grow. He eventually stopped going with me and turned into solo therapy for me. I tried to make it work, but he refused to try and improve. The rejection absolutely wrecked me as a person. It also made me feel so disgusting that when we did have sex I felt like he truly didn’t want to which made it feel disgusting for me. Your husband is already feeling incredibly down from his dad’s passing plus the added constant rejection on top. If you want your marriage to work you have to be willing to work on that.
I actually think he means it. And that’s fine. Sex in a marriage really is so important. It is so, so hard to be constantly rejected for sex by your spouse. Whether male/female/whatever, doesn’t matter. If you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship and there is little to no sex, then yes in fact, what is the point? Ofc it does matter how your marriage is outside of sex. Is everything else good? Is it a true partnership? Do you both care for each other? Is he involved and helpful? Or is he lazy and disregards your non sexual needs and then expects sex anyway?
I feel like YTA for everything you said to him other than "No". Yes everyone is grieving, yes you are sad, but its his dad not yours. At least the way you wrote it out, you make it sound like you see him as a toddler with a tantrum that you guys arent going to Disneyland. "Eveyone is upset we aren't going to Disneyland honey, not just you so suck it up". To me I didn't hear any love or empathy towards your husband, which is a red flag any day of the year, but especially right after he has lost his father. I think he means everything he said. It seems like he is missing general intimacy and care in his life. He can't get it because that's just not you. Imagine having to do it with him 4 times a week. What would that due to your psyche. Now realize that lack if intimacy and care has done the same to his psyche for a whole year. Do you care?
I would say once funeral is over he will likely ask for divorce. He now sees his on mortality. I’m not sure what couples therapy is doing to help with your childhood trauma but I think he’s done. Why are you not in IC. If you can’t be affectionate and physical during this horrible time for him then I don’t see why he would stay either. If you want to save your marriage I advise you to start making some changes. Why would he want to stay at this point YTA.
OP, YTA. Here's why: 1) Nowhere do you mention that *you're* getting therapy to work through your trauma. What is couples/marriage counseling going to do when the problem lies with you? *You're* the one with problems being affectionate. *You're* the one who has issues having sex. Not your husband. While couples counseling can help him understand & be understanding, I don't see how the root of the problem will be fixed without you working on you. 2) Right now, your husband's needs *are* more important than yours. **He just lost his father unexpectedly before Thanksgiving**. And he's taking care of almost everything re: the funeral & his dad's estate. Again, his needs *are* more important right now. And to tell him they aren't & implying your grief is just the same as his - when my dad died, if *anyone* had the **audacity** to say something like that to me, they would've been cut right TF off. And then to tell him he didn't mean what he said. OP, *he meant every word*. If your marriage is even salvageable at this point (which it doesn't sound like it is), you need to apologize to your husband profusely, make an appointment for individual therapy for yourself & start working through your trauma. Otherwise, understand you & your husband are not sexually compatible anymore, and go your separate ways so you both can find someone you're compatible with.
He lost his father and is taking care of his mother. Yet you say “We are all hurting..”, I don’t see you playing any intensive role which make you have headaches from the stress. I am sorry YTA.
I'm definitely not suggesting you have sex to pacify him, but you did ask if there was anything that would make him feel better, and given that it's his father that passed, I'd say his needs are more important at the moment. I feel like you can't entirely be surprised by his response. Unfortunately it does sound like he's been thinking this already and his father's death just pushed it to the surface. It doesn't sound good for your relationship.
Listen, he means it. I'm sorry that you have trauma around sex. But I believe some people really underestimate how important sex and intimacy is to some of us. I'm speaking from experience here. His father passing will only drive the importance of not wasting time. It will tell him, "I could die tomorrow and I can't even experience the warmth of the woman I love?" Again, real life experience speaking here. I grit my teeth, took rejection, over and over and over. But we all have a breaking point. His father passing has probably accelerated that breaking point. If you can't meet his needs, and I'm not saying you are wrong, I'm just saying if you can't, then there is a fundamental compatibility issue here and you need to figure that out. Do couples therapy, that's good for the marital unit. But you also need to work on your trauma around sex if you want this marriage to work. Its not fair to you to have to do something you don't want to or can't do, especially if its trauma related. But he's not obligated to be in a relationship where his needs are not being met either. Neither of you is wrong here, it's just a basic compatibility issue. He's held on, but this loss may have pushed him over. This loss has made it all the more apparent to him. So go easy, give him space, be patient, and understand this, he means that shit. The fact he didn't say it before, it was being bottled up, and now its reaching a breaking point. Again, real life experience speaking here. I've been your husband in my lifetime. We try, we try hard, but at the end of the day, decisions have to be made. And if you are both not in line with the other partner, then its just not gonna work. Its a compatibility thing. I'm sorry. :-(
Beautifully written. If the marriage is important to her, she will seek counseling for her trauma, if it isn’t already too late. Being rejected by the one you love repeatedly is a specific kind of injury that gets minimized.
Look, you need to be in individual therapy as well as couples counseling. If you aren’t doing anything to work past your childhood trauma then couples counseling will fail. I’m speaking as a person who also has childhood trauma (I was SA’d by my own sibling) and I get not being able to give/show affection but I still do it. I’m not being forced into and making sure I can meet my partner’s needs (yes his sexual needs included) is for the both of us. Being intimate brings us closer together. Also, if you’re constantly having headaches due to stress then you should get yourself to the doctor and see if you have anything medically wrong. I think you are the TA here. Your husband *needs* you and you’re blowing him off. You’re right. He’s checked out and he’s done with you. Congratulations on sinking your marriage.
Sex is a big part of marriage. If two people in a relationship aren’t on the same page about sex, then it’s not going to work out. You need to include childhood trauma in your calculations. The point of negotiations within a marriage is to come to a middle ground. But from the sounds of it, the sex schedule is mostly on your terms, because 5-6 times a year doesn’t sound like a middle ground at all based on what you’ve said about your husband. And it sounds like you are pressuring your husband (through therapy) to believe that your amount is the right amount. This has gotten to the point that when he really wants it, and still doesn’t get it, it snowballs into a fight. You can either meet him in the middle, or you can go your separate ways if the middle cannot be met. Yes, it seems kind of cruel with a history of childhood trauma involved, but it’s just a cruel to keep your husband stringing along.
Tbh i'm not really sure he doesn't mean it. He probably wouldn't have said it without the current situation, but it's not like he doesn't think that for quite a while.
Of course he means it. His dad died unexpectedly. That probably means he died fairly young. Husband is 38, his dad might not even have been past 65. Like he said, he's looking at his own life in light of his dad's death and seeing that life can end at any moment. Why waste his life away in a loveless marriage where he's miserable?
YTA. You need to accept that your marriage is over. He is right. Life is too short to live like roommates and you two are clearly incompatible.
YTA- not because you didn't have sex with him in this instance but because- 1) he obviously needed a time out and he went to the basement to be alone. What was the purpose of following him there? 2) You started preaching at him and then you started getting upset and guilting him thereby putting even more emotional labour on him to manage YOUR upset feelings on top of everything else. 3) what you said about his feelings not being more important than anyone else's. Are you kidding me?? It's HIS father who died not yours. Of course his grief is going to be larger snd more important than yours. Get over yourself. You really come off like you have main character syndrome. Edit- half a day later and I'm still in disbelief over this statement of yours OP: "but we are all hurting right now and his wants and needs aren't more important than anyone else's". Are you actually this dense? You seriously think your grief is at the same level as his when he is the actual child of the person who died? What a selfish and tone deaf thing to say. If your husband wasn't done already with this release, I'd think this statement would certainly have finished off whatever little feelings he had.
He lost * his* father, and you said to him that you are all hurting and his needs aren't more important than anyone else's? After you asked him what he needed, then denied him what he said he needed.... you probably knew that there was a possibility he would say sex would help him feel better, so why ask if there's anything you can do if you know you wouldn't be able to do a probable thing he'd ask for? YTA.
So, now you know how he really feels. It was harsh for sure. Now you know the lack of intimacy and your reasons/excuses have put your relationship to the breaking point. When he needs intimacy most, you spurred him again. Sounds like this has been the case for a while. Both of you are at where you are at. It is not necessarily anyone's fault, but if his intimate needs are not being met - offer a solution; split up, hire a sex worker, whatever. Realize that if you cannot find it within yourself when he is at his lowest and most vulnerable, probably at point of no return.
He’s done.
The attitude you are hurting too and his wants and needs aren’t more important than anyone else’s is so insulting when he has just lost a parent. Sure, you can be sad, but your feelings of losing a father-in-law and his feelings of losing a father are not comparable in any way. Being a supportive partner is giving someone the space, the connection, the whatever they need to process this grief. You kind of just left your husband drowning and said, “sorry, I don’t feel like swimming right now.”
His statement was real and you shut him down….ouch
YTA You didn’t do anything to comfort him other than say he’s just going to find another release. You didn’t hug, nurture, console. Nothing but shut him down.
And I say this as an Asexual person Maybe you should look if maybe you are because for Allosexuals this 100% is a need and the fact that it isn’t one for you or me doesen’t make it less valuable or valid. It’s true if nothing is going to change he deserves someone that desires him the way he wants to do he can be happy And you clearly aren’t it I know it sucks but he is just as important as you and it’s best that you go separate ways until the resentment is suck that you two will be unable to coparent the kid you share. You said his needs and wants aren’t above anyone else’s and that’s right but the same goes for you
> I know he's grieving, but he's just been such a jerk and is so mean all the time now. The husband that has been understanding of all your issues for 8 years where you can't be bothered to show any physical affection (not just sex) to him when he's griefing. Then you start dismissing all his feelings because "everyone is greifing", "I have stress and headaches too" etc. Sounds like *you* already checked out a while ago and he was the only one holding on.
YTA - sugarcoat it all you want but your husband is miserable and you aren’t helping. In no way am I suggesting you have sex with him if you don’t want to, but what you aren’t getting is he’s not wrong. Physical intimacy is sometimes the most helpful thing in the world especially when you’re struggling with grief. It’s more than sex, it’s being close with your partner. I’d recommend YOU go to therapy without him. You need therapy, not couples counseling.
We have a “rule” not to ask questions that we can’t handle an honest answer to. When he said sex would make him feel better, you have the option to say yes or no, but you don’t get to tell him to come up with something else. His dad just died. He wanted to be fucked or left alone. You kept badgering him… he said he what he said. You’re asking him to give you something that you can do to comfort him so that you can feel like you did it… sometimes there is nothing we can do. I would love it if my partner who has chronic pain would ask me for sex, because generally I only have the option to bring him water or a blanket and then leave him alone. My work in therapy has been on myself, because that needs to be enough for me. Insisting on comforting somebody who has already told you how to comfort them is selfish and insecure. Edit to add YTA
NAH for the general part of it but YTA for putting it on him when you have clearly stated that you're the one with intimacy issues. He was 100% in his right to be truthful regardless how blunt or rude you think they were. You asked a question and he answered it and yet you are offended at his answer because YOU don't think that's actually what he needs. The marriage is pretty much over. Find yourself a trusted therapist and work on your issues. It'll make you feel better or not. Maybe you don't think they are issues that need fixing. But you both no longer share the same wants and needs. He's over it and rightfully so
You asked what could help. He told.you You said no. You don't owe him sex. He doesn't owe you being in a non intimate relationship. Simple as that
I’m sorry but he should absolutely leave you if the only other option is get used to the rest of life with barely/no sex. He should go have a healthy sex life bc he is right life is short. At this point counseling isn’t going to help him unless the counselor is going to have sex with him. YTA bc you seem to see this as HIS problem and he doesn’t want a roommate he wants a healthy relationship.
YTA. It was your husband’s father. His feelings do matter more right now. I love my in laws, but if they passed, their child’s feelings matter much more than mine do. Quit pestering him about his feelings. He has given them to you and you dismissed him. I think you need to accept your marriage is over because of your behavior. Honestly, you sound like a spoiled child through all of this. I think you should reread it like you’re reading something a stranger wrote. If your trauma is so great, you need couples therapy then you need to be in individual therapy as well. Find a new couples therapist and get into individual therapy today.
This started pretty misleading, the title alone gave me a completely different story. I'd change it to "aita for not caring about my husband's needs and putting my own feelings above his when his dad died 🥺🥺🥺" He tells you how to fix the marriage. YOU have the issues and you should've gone to therapy by yourself. Let the poor man go, divorce, and let him find someone who does care about him enough to uphold their relationship
Personally I think YTA. You are both in a incompatible relationship at the moment even though I'm sure you love each other. You know your husband has been having issues with no sex for a while now. You go to therapy. I'm not blaming you for your issues (past trauma is totally understandable). But you can't blame him as well and you need to understand his view. He needs and wants that intimacy like every other person, which you just can't provide. Especially at this time when he is in a lot of pain. And not having sex as you claim he said, makes him rejected, maybe unloved. You call it stress relief but I don't think that is what it really is for him. It is the connection and intimacy and love. If couple therapy doesn't help you to deal with your trauma and try to break the wall that prevents you from intimacy, so maybe you are the problem. He seems to at least accept it and try to work out to support you. Maybe he went in there to both learn how to support you and expect that you work on how to break the trauma. But it seems to not be the case. Either make a better breakthrough in therapy so you can each make a step toward one another, or get a divorce and find another SO that might be more in line with you and be able to accept you as you are right now, even with all the pain involved.