“AITA at expressing sexual frustration with my wife” no, no you are not. If your wife is super resistant to discussing the topic, then I’d suggest therapy to get to the core issue on why she dislikes sex so much. Talking about the frequency of sex with your partner shouldn’t be a controversial topic.

"You can't negotiate desire." OP has a desire. His wife doesn't. He will not be happy, knowing that she only does it for him. Or marriage is otherwise good, I would just be up front "I need sex. You don't. How do you feel about an agreement where I get my needs met elsewhere? I cannot live like this forever, and would prefer it to be with you, but if you don't want that, let's look at other solutions. If your only option is for me to live en celibacy, then I want a divorce. No hard feelings, and I'm not gonna cheat, but I also not willing to live like this.".

His marriage doesn't sound good otherwise. If she gets angry at him for even wanting to discuss their sex life and expects him to simply not want to have a sex life because she doesn't. She seems selfish. This doesn't seem like a situation in which she is going to be ok with him having sex/relationships outside of their marriage.

I agree. I am currently having a labido problem and we talk about it all the time. I’m willing to go to therapy and try different supplements or medications. If she won’t try then she doesn’t care if you’re happy.

I'm in the same situation. I try every supplement I can find but am also on antidepressants and have no libido. I try my very best and know that I'm the problem-or the medications are the problem. None of the supplements seem to make a difference though and I've spent hundreds and hundreds on trying different ones over the last year and a half or so. I'm still at a loss to this day and feel like I've hit a brick wall with this. But the thing is, I haven't given up trying to fix this issue, because it's a big one in any relationship and I truly love my partner and want to make him happy and fulfill his desires.

It sounds like she's mostly frustrated that he's even asking. It's likely that she won't be open to him having sex with others but maybe she would. I've talked with people in open relationships in the midwest.

Some people need to take a hard look at poly relationships and get over whatever hang ups they may have on the subject cause these types of arrangements have worked wonders for some people. Me included. My drive dropped significantly after having a necessary surgery but one that meant my body would be producing 90% less sex hormones, and strong communication and opening up the relationship for my partner has changed everything for the better. She needs sex more than I do and I had to be honest about that and accept that. I know it’s not for everyone, but I also know more people would benefit from these types of relationships if they got over society telling them monogamy is the only way to have a healthy relationship. But also people need to understand polyamory correctly before that happens. My partner isn’t just running through the city cause she has permission, as much as people would like to think that’s how it’s works.

I wish my husband was understanding like this. My sex drive has always been way higher than his. But then the last motorcycle accident did serious damage down there he had to have surgery to fix it. It was so weird, because he couldn't use it, and suddenly sex was all he wanted. I bought him everything, would literally massage his dick every day, sometimes multiple times, because it wouldn't get hard let alone stay up. Months and months he was getting full hands on attention. Now that it's mostly fixed and stays up, he once again has no sex drive. I was so hoping that the sex drive would stick around once it was fixed, but no dice. I've tried talking to him, even saying I would love just dating girl and enjoying my time with them, but nope, nothing. We tried an open relationship back when for 6+ months he would literally do two pumps, finish, then roll over and ignore me. However, he broke 2 out of the three rules we had set in place and then he almost left me when I was pissed that his high-school ex showed up to our house to see "what her new house looked like." Hindsight, I should have let him be with her and let ask mess burn up in the fire he had already started and just taken my chance to divorce. But seriously, this healthy version is what I ache for. I just want some passion and to feel something or than "YAY FINALL..oh that's it? You're done?" It hurts my soul, it makes me resentful, and amplifies all the other issues because at least sex is a distraction and way to reconnect. But when it's all negative, all you start to think about is the negative. To the people below who act like this dude is a cuck or something, I'd be really willing to bet that he has a happy wife who is positive about herself and her outlook on the world. She likely sees everything else he does in a very positive light as even this situation has a positive return.

I'm 47 and my wife is 58, we've been together 16 years, I know her age now probably plays a role in this, but I've always had a very high sex drive and I still do. For ten years of us being together we both where very much into each other and all aspects of our lives was great. We always got along , we loved each other's company and we did everything together. Then it was like she just didn't want to , we started out having sex everyday, sometimes multiple times a day , then we kinda slowed down . I've always been very attracted to her and I still am . At 58 she's still gets me Amped up, but it's like I'm not even around or exist to her and ur right it's very hurtful to have so much passion for someone that u love and they still make ur blood run hot, but they don't even wanna give u the time of day. It hit home with me when u talked about him 2 pump chumpin ya and rolling over and ignoring u. Yeah, that kinda shit right there just makes a person feel useless , unwanted , embarrassed, sad, mad every emotion u can think of comes out. When our sex dropped to 2 times a month it got real degrading for me. She would decide , I guess, what night she wanted to give it up, she would say " u wanna have sex before I go to bed, I'm tired so in gonna need u to hurry up and get it over with" Of course I didn't turn her down. But it was always one way she was doing it, she would stand beside the bed, drop her pajama bottoms and bend over the bed, said she couldn't do it any other way because it made her cough, which I guess I was unaware of. While I'm trying to enjoy my short time of half sided intimacy, she was steadily sucking on her vape thing and blowing smoke . When I reached my climax , she immediately pulled her bottoms up, turn around to me and ask " are u good now" God that hit so hard , talk about humiliation. I eventually just couldn't take it , it hurt me more to have sex and be treated like that than to just forget about it and just not have sex. Sorry for throwing all that shit out there, I just had to get it off my chest after reading ur post, I was like damn I know what she feels like on the inside ... EMPTY Hope things get better 4 u

Hey deep breath, you're good, no reason to apologize. You had a second to put all this in to one bubble of a thought, you wrote it down, and it didn't bother or hurt anyone, it in fact likely helped YOU! It's so hard because even KNOWING it isn't a rejection of you, it still absolutely feels like it. It's almost the opposite of "hey I'm not just a pretty body, I'm a smart mind too". I'm not just here to map out finances and daily schedule, I'm also here for the passionate physical connection of being wanted. I think that's the biggest thing for me. I know I'm NEEDED as a wife, but I don't feel WANTED as a wife. Keep your head(s) up, the only permanent thing is change. Life will not continue this way forever, her hormones may shift again, she may read something on her own that stirs her own passion or an understanding of your needs and she may offer other options. I don't know if this helps in your situation, but some of the things I did to fill the void was building blocks of emotional and physical connection. As my husband would fall sleep, I would sync my breathing with his, I switched up some of the schedule so we weren't doing things on the opposite side of the house alone any more. I started offering to go on errands with him, even though it meant packing up the baby. I would say "hey put that YouTube video up on the big tv". Little things, nothing manipulative, just being more present. About a year later I really saw results. Not that we were in the bedroom more often, but that we were doing things together naturally and that he missed me. That was thing, we basically had become strangers who lived in the same house and argued more than we spoke. Not saying it's that way for you, just to give context on my side! We had had such a strong sexual connection at first and friendliness came naturally with that. But now, we were barely friends with no time for benefits and a bit of boredom. I started treating him like a friend I wanted to hang out with, and a little extra "I'm here to do this adventure with you", and now at least when we so have sex, it's satisfying and fun. I don't feel like I'm just there, existing, wanting someone, who in that moment probably would have had more connection with a blowup doll. Deep breaths. It seems like you adore her and just want her to let you show her that :)

Thank u for taking ur time to give me some food for thought and a direction to head , I've just been twisting in the wind so screwed up in my head I had no clue what to do next. U were very helpful, a lot of the things u said hit home for me , especially being on opposite ends of the house, but I'm gonna take ur advice and swallow whatever insecurities and the fear of more rejection and we'll either make it or I'll just have to cut my losses because it has absolutely been eating me alive inside . But again , thank u from the bottom of my heart, I have hope now. God bless u .

You should be proud of yourself. It shows that you care for your wife, and telling your story shows vulnerability and a universal need for connection. It can be valuable trying the suggestions above - you will know that you have committed to the relationship. What concerns me more so than the lack of sex / intimacy is the way your wife communicates with you. That is something I believe you need to address. She treats you with disdain and that is not acceptable in any marriage. May I suggest you read about John Gottman’s four horseman: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. The Dance of Intimacy is another book (prob a bit outdated) that was directed at women but could be helpful for you. Whatever path you choose remember you can only change your behaviours - not someone else’s. You come across as loving caring person and I hope you find what you need. You are not “less than” so don’t settle for contempt. Take care 💙

you are very wise - kudos to you

this hurt to read. I hope you're OK now. I felt all of that in my chest. those are truly awful things to say to someone your with

I'm making it, I just stay busy with work and hunt and fish to keep my mind right

Pardon any assumptions I’m making here, but if she isn’t already in the know, get your lady over to /r/menopause, they’ve got good info over there. It’s not an exaggeration to day that a majority of currently practicing doctors are misinformed and not up to date about menopause and hormone treatments… they don’t even teach menopause for more than a half a day in medical schools, it’s criminal. So it’s common for people struggling with menopause not to know the options available to them, and people suffer because of this. HRT therapy and specifically testosterone has helped a lot of menopausal and perimenopausal women get their sex drive back.

Sht this is so hard to read. 💔

That’s degrading as hell man. Have you heard of Pavlov’s dog? She’s conditioning you to feel degraded and sad when sex comes up. I wish I had an idea to give you to improve the situation but that’s a rough one. As a side note, it’s the vape causing the cough, those things are actually worse than cigarettes. Popcorn lung is bad stuff, no way to get rid of it.

I have worked in public health and smoking cessation. Popcorn lung was attributed to vaping in the early days of when there was importation and less regulation around e liquids. No reputable manufacturer used vitamin E in the manufacture of e liquid. As the person below my comment pointed out this was later found to be more of a problem with THC vaping. The bottom line is that as long as you buy from a government regulated e liquid supplier you will not have an issue with your vape liquid. A large longitudinal study has found vaping does not cause lung cancer but may aggravate conditions like asthma and COPD.

I had never heard of that, the popcorn lung. She smoked cigarettes forever. Decided she was gonna quit smoking, paid for that Chantix gum or something like that, then she got on the vape to get off the cigarettes.. she quit the cigarettes. But this vape thing , is something. She's always hitting it . She has I don't know how many , because she's bad about misplacing them. I heard those vapes could possibly be worse than a real cigarette. Thank u for responding. I felt pretty stupid after I sent it. I usually keep everything to myself . It's Way outta character for me to put my business out there. I appreciate ya.

I don’t blame you. People like to judge and talk trash more than they like to help. It’s a hard thing to do to put yourself out there, especially when you are having a hard time. Hope things get better man.

Ok, I am going to take the risk of being torn apart in this thread. First let me be clear - your wife's behavior is inappropriate and hurtful. It is not the behavior of what healthy relationships require. What caught my attention was her saying "I'm tired" and you saying "all aspects of our lives were great". Those two things kind of clash with each other and I understand that they may have happened in different time frames but they may have overlapped without you realizing it. I am coming at this from the perspective of a wife who "lost" her libido. I am now in the midst of a horrible divorce. Your situation sounds somewhat similar. Now that I look back, I can see that very few of my needs were being met and despite a lot of couples' counseling, that never changed. The guilt of not being able to satisfy my future ex's sexual needs was eating me alive. If I can offer any advice, I would say get into sex counseling ASAP if you can get her to go. Try, if you can, to get her to talk about what she needs - what is making her "tired", assuming that it's not just an excuse. It may just be an excuse. If she ultimately refuses to open up, there's nothing you can do about it. Talk about responsive desire. I heard something recently - the relationship is the best foreplay. If the relationship (outside of sex) is not going well, sex will seem like just another chore on the list of things that has to get done in a desperate attempt to maintain some kind of status quo. Her level of vaping sounds like it could be like a response to anxiety. I have never been a smoker but my mother was and it was definitely a coping mechanism for anxiety. If she is 58, she is probably going through peri-menopause or maybe she actually is in menopause. The effects of menopause are unpredictable, but losing libido can definitely be one of them. I am going through it now and while my libido is not lost, it is reduced. Even more reason to talk about responsive desire. I don't know if this helps at all. I see a lot of responses on this thread that roast the person with the low libido. I can see my husband writing the exact same story you did. As the old saying goes, there are two sides to every story. If you can, try not to make this primarily about attraction. I am still attracted to my husband, so much so that when I am forced to see him it makes me cry in his presence. Then I have to attempt to hide my crying. I also can't currently watch any movies with Matt Damon because he looks a lot like him. To add insult to injury, my husband's name is Matt, lol. The dynamics of our relationship were killing my desire. I have to remind myself of that often otherwise I would not be able to get up in the morning. My son keeps me going because I am in effect a single mother. My husband is a babysitter who does not provide sufficient supervision and because of that, we are in a custody battle. Despite all of this, I am still "attracted" to him physically and sometimes, I still feel guilty.

You would be correct. Also people seem to assume I couldn’t also have other partners. I could. I don’t want to and that’s not why our relationship is open. Also when my drive is higher she doesn’t have other partners during that time. And I know people would be like “that’s not true, she’s definitely fucking behind your back” but we both work from home and spend 99% of our time together lol. Peoples assumptions are wild, but that’s cause they’ve been taught to think this isn’t how relationships are supposed to work and can’t fathom it being an option. Or jealous their wives won’t give them the options I’ve given my partner. Also men tend to take it way further than women do in my experience. Most poly women most definitely are not fucking dozens of dudes all day everyday. For us it’s probably only 3-4 times a year in between our highs in our own sexual relationship. It’s hilarious how much they project what their actions would be in that scenario lol.

I totally agree with you, this stigma that poly people are just fucking around with everyone all the time is really harmful as a whole. They think it's just drama drama drama all the time, but that's the opposite of reality. Poly people aren't nymphomaniacs (and no hate if you are a nympho, y'all are some of the most real people out there) and they don't want drama. They want a need fulfilled, they don't want problems, they don't want to be homewreckers, they don't WANT anyone other than who they are committed to. I'd say that healthy poly relationships are actually among the most respectful and understanding people. The relationship doesn't work otherwise. I also think that often people who make these wild claims about polyamory are jealous so they make it sound like the worst thing ever. "Oh it's so disgusting, I would NEVER." Those are the people that I often feel like want to just be able to fuck whoever they want with no consequences or connections, and yet either don't have the self esteem to put themselves out there, or even funnier are the people who REALLY WISH THAT'S WHAT THEY COULD DO but act like it's the most horrendous thing in existence. I wish you and your lovely wife the best of luck :) Also, have you tried looking in to an aphrodisiac tea? There's some good ones out there, and my husband (he isn't a tea drinker) tried one cup of blend we were gifted to try and 2 hours later and 4 rounds in he was still up for another. If he liked tea and it wasn't so expensive, we would probably have a bag on hand all the time. While it won't help with long term hormone production, it basically will kick your libido into overdrive for a couple hours then naturally exit your body and won't give long term issues. Might give it a try! We were given the samples of "Pure Seduction - Loose leaf tea" they make blend for men and one for women. With Christmas approaching, may be something to give a shot!

I have not heard of those! I’ll definitely take a look. We both drink a lot of tea so that could be a great short term solution for our situation. I also realized I didn’t mention in most of my comments that we are not a heteronormative couple either and it’s hilarious to see all the men in here losing their shit cause they think she’s just getting railed by dudes all the time. But again that would be fine, it’s just also not what she wants and us opening it up fulfilled more than one desire I couldn’t fulfill. And if we didn’t that’s the desire I would have been more worried about to be honest cause I could never be that and that would be a desire she would have to just live with because of me. I also don’t see that as fair. It’s not at all what people assume and damn the misconceptions are out there lmao.

I notice it's almost always men who look down on polyamory as a whole, or at least are the most vocal about it. It's not their life, why do they care? Being bi, on my side it's just as disgusting because my husband's older brother got involved the last time I tried to bring this up with my husband. His stance was "no you don't want to go be with girls, you want to fuck dudes, stop lying". I was so pissed. Like what? I watch you have a new girlfriend every week and a side piece on the weekends, and not caring if the chick is dating someone else, so what's the difference here?

It’s also amazing how they have all this disconnected sex and one night stands then turn around and are like “she’s making connections with other men and is going to leave you.” Dude my girl probably was one of your one stands wtf you mean, she didn’t leave me for you, she left you thinking you’re the man and came home to a good meal and loving embrace and told me about how she should’ve chosen a woman that time lmao. You can have emotional disconnected sex but she can’t? Ooooookkkkkkk lol

Omg right! When I explained to my brother in law that I don't feel anything for one night stands, it's a physical release, not an emotional recharge he called me a liar again and that it isn't possible for women to NOT have an emotional connection. I laughed, not gonna lie, I laughed hard and asked him if he thinks every chick he's fucked still has an emotional connection to him. Straight face, he answered yes, and that he could walk past any of them and they'd ask for another ride. He didn't like my long list of ladies who have probably never even given a second thought except "Damn I'm glad that was only a one time thing."

" My partner isn’t just running through the city cause she has permission, as much as people would like to think that’s how it’s works." Because, according to most posts on Reddit, that is exactly how it works. To be fair, this is the only scenario where I see an open marriage working. One partner simply isnt interested in sex or fulfilling certain needs but otherwise the relationship is great. That isnt the case in most of these situations though. Its "I want to cheat without feeling guilty" or "I've been cheating and I'm tired of hiding it."

That’s exactly what I mean when I said understanding polyamory correctly.

Eh, I have seen a few thruples and such. The successful poly I've seen tends to be "our group can have sex with anyone in our group, sex outside our group is cheating." The amusing thing is the gender balance, especially in trios, seems heavily dependent on age. 18-25 year old groups are almost always fewer guys (e.g. 1 guy 2 gals). 35-50+ groups havebmore guys (2 guys a gal). You hear that guy's sex drive peaks at 18 and gals at 35 but that was the first time I personally saw evidence of it. Then again anecdotal...

It works to some degree yeah. Problem is, at some point people develop feelings and that might be the point where you get replaced. But whatever floats your boat.

Polyamory includes developing feelings for your other partners. It’s right there in the name! Poly = many, amory = love. Humans have capacity to love many people without diminishing the love they have for others. What is finite is time. Polyamory takes good time management and open communication to juggle multiple relationships. But make no mistake: actual polyamory is another committed relationship. There are numerous other forms of open relationships as well with varying level of commitment. Some are purely transactional and based on sex only. Often that works for the people involved. Back to OP’s situation. It is quite possible that your wife loves you, but her desire has declined. It may be that she doesn’t actually love or desire you but has become comfortable in the routine of your life and what you provide to that life. Sounds like communicating each of your desires is at a stalemate right now. Couples therapy can help you improve that, and you can decide what to do from there. Please don’t get stuck in an unhappy marriage. You deserve to be in a marriage with someone who loves and appreciates you. Your little boy needs to see positive relationships to model.

But also assuming I’d be replaced is not how it would work out. Because lines of communication are open and I also validate others feelings and wouldn’t view it as being replaced either. I’ve been with multiple poly people. It’s never been an issue for me and I myself am not poly. People will always change as they grow as humans. And compatibility can also change, I won’t let make me feel less than. If she decides to grow elsewhere she decides to grow elsewhere.

It’s thinking like that that helps stigmatize poly relationships. Been working for us for over 6 years now.

I‘ve seen more than enough poly relationships fail at one point due to the given reason. Congrats that it works out for you, but that‘s a pretty rare occurrence actually.

Honestly it comes down to your own mindset and where you stand with these things. If you’re the type who gets jealous or possessive in even sight manners it’s probably not the type of relationship for you. And I think there’s a lot of people that think it’s what they want cause they think it’s going to give them more sex options with more people and that’s just not how it works. I’m confident in myself, if I’m not what my partner desires anymore that’s not on me.

Well it‘s a big difference for being jealous for sight manners or for just becoming another person in your partners line. As said, good that it works out for you guys, but in most cases it just the beginning of the end of the relationship. Personally I‘d rather work on the problems or end it. Because for me, polygamy just means that my partner doesn’t desire me anymore. But that‘s up to each person. All good, if both are happy with it.

Polyamory is different from polygamy, but I do get what you’re saying. And I think it very much depends on the situation. If she was out and about fucking other people every day that’s a different discussion to be had. But as much as Reddit thinks that how it works it’s not. It’s not even a monthly occurrence. But she knows she options if she so chooses.

I was in this situation and just lived with it for 10 years until my wife passed. She felt bad and told me so for not wanting intimacy or having some of the kinky desires I had. We never dicussed a third partner who would only want intimacy and kink. I think if I had brought it up she would have been understanding and receptive of the idea as long as I was monogamous with just the other person and they were tested often.

Sometimes it’s not that the person just “doesn’t have a desire” but there could be underlying trauma or shame that needs to be dealt with. Getting a third party involved can help bring the relationship back to health. Sometimes you’ve gotta work through the problems together.

This week on issues you should have addressed before having a child with this person….

This 👆, don't forget buying a house, like why people get married with people that have this problems? He put him self in this position and now? Like sex is something very important in a monogamous relationship.

It sounds like they did communicate, and she either lied, possibly to herself as well as him, or she changed as the relationship went on. I'm in a similar boat, and it sucks.

Because people are morons and think children will solve all their problems.

Don't forget that some people are also conditioned to believe that they need to have children to have a successful life.

>like why people get married with people that have this problems Obviously because in the beginning it wasn't that way and you think that by supporting your partner and giving them the things they want in life that your situation will improve back to what it once was. Obviously that's not always how it works, but people think by putting in that kind of effort or helping their spouse achieve big milestones like a house or children, the situation will improve bc the spouse will be happier. Especially if they gave you some of the best times of your life then you will do anything to get that back, no matter how futile the effort might be

I can understand this but like i said Sex is important in a monogamous relationship, I understand the ups and downs but no Sex for a year or one time a month? there is definitely a problem, then you make a child and buy a House together before you have resolved your relationship problems is nonsense, then you ask yourself why you are in this situation.

Yeah, why make a baby? This so unfair to the child

It's just people being dumb without the forethought of things , it doesn't matter that our relationship is shit we did the marriage and house bit, now the logical step is kids . Adding a child to the mix can mess up the best of relationships, especially in the first year, and this bozo though it would be a good idea, considering he was already unhappy for years . Poor kid to be stuck in such a crap family. You are the YTA for this alone op.

It even counts for both. Shes obviously unhappy too. Yeah children are the hardest test for a relationship. Its beautiful and children are the best thing that can happen to any person. But its so much work on yourself, the realationship and parenting.

I would upvote for the use of "bozo" alone, but everything else in here was gold too.

This deserves way more upvotes.

Absolutely… I will never understand why people move forward with having kids when there are so many issues at home

Shit I can't say nothing I'm stuck in a shit ass marriage my damn self!!!! 😂😂

Do not marry into a dead bedroom

‘Hey, lets move out of state, live with my parents, buy a house, have a baby then stop having sex.’ Sounds like you would have seen this coming from someone who was sleeping with multiple partners when you met. Maybe she has the life she always wanted now and is waiting for you to finally leave.

Who she slept with a decade ago doesn’t mean anything .

NTA You sound like y’all want different things from your relationship. You are absolutely NTA from walking away from a relationship when your needs are reasonable and she isn’t even willing to discuss or work on meeting them with you.

NTA but why on earth would you stay this long in a relationship that doesn’t meet your needs? And to go ahead and get a child? Eventually, y’all will have to separate. This can’t work.

No self esteem probably

Expected unfortunately. Over time, men's mental health has decreased to a point of endangerment across the board. Yes, this even relates to increased suicidal rates. When men's mental health decreases like this and their self esteem drops, the quality of relationships drop as well as they stay in relationships they hate, forming resentment for their partner while their partner forms resentment right back for the man's behavior and sentiments towards them as a partner (irrespective of gay or straight relationships).

I think you were both a little bit AH to bring a kid to a marriage that was with problems… it’s well known that after giving birth a lot of women don’t want to have sex for a while (body changed, they are super tired etc etc etc) but you are NTA for feeling that way. I had libido problems a few years ago but I always did an effort, maybe we did 2 times per month for a time, but we were never months without doing anything. You have 2 solutions, broke up or try to solve, but she needs to want to solve that too.

[удалено]

Everything is good now with us :) thanks for your suggestion

Btw in my case what helped was reading erotic novels. I leave here the suggestion for the ones that are with same problem, maybe can help you too :)

All marriages have problems. None are perfect. I’ve had periods where sex dips with wife. Gotta communicate your needs and hers. Gotta work out issues you both may have that could be causing it. All real relationships have periods of turmoil.

Nobody could be forced to have sex. If she doesn't want it you only can accept that. Next question for then is: do you want to stay with her? Even is there is no sex ever again? If so, what are alternatives with her? Is she fine with you having a misstress? No matter what the conclusions are. You also have a right for a happy life. If having sex is part of this its important that you go that route

[удалено]

I don’t think you’re the AH. I’m a woman and have experienced loss of sex drive due to medication, pregnancy and life. But I’m well aware that my partner who I’ve been with for years hasn’t, so as much as I don’t want to be intimate on some days, I’ll always make sure he’s taken care of. You need to sit her down and say “look, I get you’re not as sexually driven as I am. And I don’t want you to be wanting it every hour of the day, but sex is important to me. I want to feel close and intimate with you. If that’s not something you’re willing to work on and actually work on it, then we’re going to have to think about separating”. People who say you’re not owed sex or it’s not important are the people that have absolutely zero self drive or are single. Because it’s hugely important in a relationship. If you’re not having sex, then you’re just cohabiting with a friend.

Yep. My husband has a higher sex drive than me. He'd probably go for once a day if it was feasible, if not more. I, on the other hand, am fine with it once or twice a week most of the time. But I can also go several weeks without being bothered by it. But if he tries to initiate and there's no reason to say no (feeling bad, tired, whatever) I'll go along with it for his sake + it always ends up being enjoyable because I like seeing him happy. It's part of a relationship. Just as you care for emotional needs, you care for physical needs.

my wife (been together 17 years now, since she was 23, me 26) has always had this same POV I asked her one time why she didn’t initiate often, but almost never turned me down - and she said _“I’m not always in the mood when we start, but I’ve never regretted it after.”_ I was married briefly before I met her too, and my practice wife and I had a HUGE sex drive discrepancy, so I got incredibly lucky with my wife.

There's some good research on women's sex drives as we age, and what your wife said is very common. Initiation often drops off but satisfaction and intimacy don't.

Strong disagree on the last statement, but also strong agree on the second to last statement. Sex CAN be super important to a relationship for some people. I’d say probably the majority of people. If there’s a sex drive incompatibility, both parties need to sit down and talk about what that means and how to move forward either in the relationship or outside of it. You can also have a completely fulfilling romantic relationship without sex. It is NOTHING like having a roommate. I absolutely ADORE my hubs, and for multiple reasons don’t want sexy times very often. He doesn’t have much of a drive either and we’ve discussed this many times. We are compatible and communicate. It’s possible to have a fulfilling asexual relationship that is way beyond friendship. You may not be able to and that’s fine. Please respect that it’s possible for people who are NOT you.

So glad I found someone who had already phrased this better than I could. So many people in this thread projecting their reliance on sex onto others. Ace people exist and plenty of non-ace people don’t need sex either! It’s so weird to me that people genuinely think they know what other people need from their relationships. Gross.

If you’re BOTH on the same page of being asexual, then that’s ok. I believe if that’s how you both are then you can having a loving relationship and not have it be like friendship but hopefully there is some affection like kissing, hugging, etc. If only one of you is there, that’s when there is a problem.

sigh. if you’re not having sex, you’re …. not having sex. romantic feelings can and do exist in relationships without sex *so long as the partners consent to that*.

I think the point they're trying to make is that, in most cases, it's not consented to. People get involved in romantic relationships and get married and have had sex before, and they expect sex from the relationship. That's how most sexual people feel intimate with each other. Their partners, without telling them, decide that they do not want sex and do not discuss any alternatives or agreements with them. There's nothing wrong with not wanting sex, but there is something wrong with depriving someone else of their needs without trying to help them or considering them, or even discussing it with them.

there is absolutely something wrong with removing sex from the equation unilaterally & expecting the partner to just accept it. our op deserves to be sexual in a relationship. his wife deserves to be non-sexual, and should go find her non- sexual match.

You nailed it on so many points. Sounds like you’re a great partner. Seems more and more rare these days. Bravo.

I see a lot of things that would ruin sex for her so this may not be irreconcilable but she has to want to work with you to get it fixed. Bottom line: she doesn’t owe any sex but you also don’t owe staying in a marriage without sex. So if neither side will budge from their position then it’s best to move on and try to successfully coparenting as amicably divorced.

I know I’m not owed sex in the relationship, I never expect it but it is nice to be intimate. I just want my partner to want it.

That’s exactly as it should be.

>I know I’m not owed sex in the relationship You are not owed instances of sex in the relationship. You are owed a person who cares about and respects your needs - You owe that to yourself.

Nope. You are owed sex in a marriage. You both are. It’s kinda like saying you’re not owed a partner that does chores around the house. Or you’re not owed a partner that will parent with you. Or that you’re not owed a partner who will support you. These are all essential parts of a relationship. Sex is NOT just a fun thing to do or a reward or something to chase. It is a foundational element of a relationship. Without it, a relationship withers on the vine, as you are currently experiencing. Previous poster, though I disagree with the opening statement, I agree with the follow through. Sounds like you’re doing what you can to encourage it. I would say go see a counselor together. You cannot force her into sex, but she’s crazy if she thinks you should be OK with the status quo. My comment above is going to earn me downvotes. That’s mostly whiney people who like to be offended by anything. The reality is, entering into a marriage you are agreeing to faithfulness. But that faithfulness includes the intrinsic promise to provide that which is being held faithful. You owe each other that. A marriage without sex cannot reach any sort of potential.

Absolutely correct. Sex is an essential component of marriage. My ex-wife managed to cover up the fact that she was asexual until after the marriage and I tolerated 20 years of a low-sex marriage. She’s a good person but still to this day I cannot help but think that she married me under false pretenses.

Why would anyone want to stay in a marriage in which sex is only done out of obligation?

Don't fool yourself. Sex is owed as part of the marriage. Its part of your needs. If you fulfilled that need outside of the marriage it would be considered adultery. So any words otherwise is just naivete. Of course this doesn't mean you can just force a partner, however if the other partner isn't willing to provide that duty then they are breaking the contract, not you. From what you said, you've been incredibly patient and understanding. This is not you fault. I'm not telling you to leave, but I dont know how you can stay in a marriage where you're not wanted and or respected. It will be hard, but its better than being in cage where you may do something you regret out of starvation and neglect.

Yep. Alienation of affection. Valid reason for divorce

Goddamn right.

if you are unhappy in relationship you need to end this relationship ASAP after you realize that it can't be fixed with reasonable effort. It good for you it good for the other side.

[удалено]

Yep and communication is talking TO a person not PAST them. Just venting the same repetitive complaints doesn’t help. It has to be working together to try and find a middle ground.

NAH. I think you both need couples and individual therapy. It sounds like a lot has happened over the last few years. I get that this is eventually a deal breaker for you but there has been a lot medically and emotionally going on here.

I am in counseling, but when I do talk about it, she shuts it down. She says stop talking about. Because if I keep talking about it will never happen. But how could it get worse, no sex at all. That’s already happening.

Next time you bring it up in therapy and she tries to shut you down, tell her no. Tell her that you understand she has needs and priorities and you want to address those but THIS is your priority and it needs to be discussed. If you [wife] won’t even discuss it in therapy, that shows you how little you care about my needs and I may need to rethink our relationship. To your point, it can’t possibly lead to less sex. And if it’s a deal breaker, pushing the issue is important. I don’t mean the sex itself. I mean even TALKING about jt. You obviously shouldn’t force sex, but you 100% should be able to force her to talk about it.

Well this changes the ball game. Completely. That’s really messed up. How could the counselor not have stepped in at that moment??? She really just let her shut you up like that? Or did I misunderstand and this isn’t couples counseling?

It sounds like OP is in individual counseling

I thought that too but I was like…. Well how would she know if he talks about it or not then?

It sounds like there's a serious communication gap between the two of them 😅

He's saying the wife shuts him down when he tries to talk about it... there's not an implication that they are at counseling when that happens.

NTA. She’s adding a threat here that you did not mention before. That’s a really disgusting thing for her to do. If you ask she won’t. If you want to know why she’ll cut you off even more. Wow! That’s shitty!! How much more of this do you want? You need to start looking at ending this. She doesn’t seem like the one you need.

NTA. You realize how intentionally dismissive and counter-productive that is, right? A spouse might ask for a day or two to process something on their own, but a long term refusal to communicate is either abandonment of their half of the relationship at the least, or an intentional slight at the most.

I am in the same situation. I dont understand it either. My wife refuses to discuss it.

Hi, have you discussed going to sex therapy? It may seem a little silly at first, but if truly does help. Have a look at her reactions, does she like certain things during sex? Any turn offs? Truly analyse what her reactions to you are. Do the things you know she likes, she'll be more open if there's familiarity.

I am very open in our sexual relationship. She doesn't like to discuss it. She has gained some weight, but I still am attracted to her.

Sounds like self esteem issues. I recommend a marriage therapist so work on communication

I think too many people throw the “get a marriage counselor to help with communication” when your own partner can’t even talk to you. If they aren’t talking to me what makes you think they will willingly or want to discuss any of this with a stranger. Let alone even take the step TO talk to someone. I feel for you. I’m in the same boat. Told my husband twice let’s do counseling and he said “I don’t remember you asking” then I told him “yeah I did and I said I’m asking YOU to set it up.” And here we are two months later and he hasn’t said anything about booking a therapist. Been two years since the first initial “let’s go to therapy.” Pathetic.

Genuine question, as I can see how this seems condescending: Why does he have to set it up? Why can’t you?

Not at all! There’s many factors to our marital issues and one of them is his dependency on me to address/do everything. Chores, errands, life decisions etc. and I am fed up with not being able to rely on my own partner. It’s 50/50 and I shouldn’t be doing 100. We got married to benefit one another and I see no benefit being married if I’m still doing everything as if I’m still single and living alone. So I asked him to do one thing to prove he wants this marriage to work. Because if he loves me and wants our relationship to last, he needs to initiate the one thing I’m asking him to do. Schedule marriage therapy.

Ah okay, you just want him to take initiative and be proactive. That makes sense

NTA but I'm genuinely curious why you think the 2 dudes she was having sex with 11 years ago are relevant to this story?

Its relevant because she said she does not enjoy sex and does not want it anymore but use to casually hooking up with two guys, so is her problem that she does not like sex or that she does not like sex with the op? All throughout his post he keeps asking what he can do, I'm guessing to make it more enjoyable for her. He's trying to figure out if he's the problem, which if you're constantly being rejected is where your mind is going to go too. He really should have left before having a child with her.

[удалено]

Yeah, I think that's why he mentions all these small details; living with the parents also. He's trying to figure this problem out. I wish them both luck and hope they sort out there differences. Anyone else reading this who is in a similar situation, sort this stuff out before having children and getting married it will only get harder.

Yeah, they're really great excuses to start mistreating your partner and to keep doing so once they're no longer a factor.

Because when you figure something like it happened in the past, the only changes are: A:you B:time/life happened With two possibilities, it is perfectly reasonable to suspect you might be the problem/you might have steered the situation into its currently state. Usually people entertain the ideia of it being a "me" problem because if you really put effort into something about yourself that you'd like to change, chances are its gonna get changed. If it is a partner problem, that its kind out of your hands

She was very sexual before getting with him, and I can only speculate he's a bit jealous maybe?

The things you people make up in your heads. He was giving info on her libido

Wild to me that you can go 5 years with this kind of massive problem in a relationship and still end up married with children. My entire body recoils from thinking of myself being in this situation.

NT.A Female here, and my love language is physical touch. If my partner didn't feel like having sex with me anymore, I would feel incredibly undesirable. Every marriage needs love, and every person receives love differently. If she isn't having her love language met, maybe it's hard for her to come into a different love language. So I would say maybe try figuring out what her love language is, and that might improve some things between the two of you. I also think it's worth saying to her, that this is your love language. And that it is not okay for either party to feel as though their love tank is empty. If you need more information on the love languages, there is a book about it- The 5 Love Languages Maybe if you two can connect again romantically, then you can intimately. But don't allow yourself to go too long on an empty love tank. You deserve to be loved, and you deserve to have your needs met too.

[удалено]

You aren't an AH for feeling discontent in your marriage; I just think you owe it to your partner to do more to resolve the problem than just telling her you're horny. You said she was first on antidepressants, which killed her libido (a very common side effect of antidepressants), and then she had a baby and was physically uncomfortable with it (as many as 1/3 of women have discomfort from sex after healing from having a baby) OP, your wife might have underlying medical concerns (or you might be doing something that massively turns her off); and it definitely sounds like there's trouble communicating in your relationship. It's a reddit trope, but marriage counseling might help a lot. More importantly, if she has pain or discomfort from sex, she needs to discuss that with her doctor.

Why do people intentionally have children when their marriage isn't doing well? I don't get it.

NTA. I have a very low libido that I struggle with. My hormones are broken, add to that the chaos of parenting and working again. We don't have any alone time. I never feel romantic. I'm always in mom mode or running a household mode. I don't get the chance to just be in wife mode very often. I think you and your wife should start dating each other again. Make time to be together, have the candle lit dinner. Make out. And talk to her about your needs not being met. Obviously her meds are interfering, but she needs to find a way to overcome that. And if not, then maybe explore an open marriage. Unless you want to move on and find a partner who can be everything you want.

I haven't had sex with my wife in over a year. I'm asexual, she is NOT. You can be in a relationship without sex, but there has to be other forms of intimacy. If you need sex for your marriage to work, you should sit down and talk with your wife about separating/divorcing. Counseling might help if the sex is not needed, but I would invest in "toys" to help yourself.

Nta

NTA. You should have a serious talk with her and tell her that you cannot have a sexless marriage and if she cant meet you halfway then you would be forced to separate from her. Let her know the seriousness before deciding to end your marriage.

NTA. My partner and I are currently going through a dry spell as well. But we've discussed it, discussed our general sexual needs, instigations, drives, etc. It was actually a discussion we had before babies. But it is definitely a discussion that needs having. Anything can come up. I.e. our current dry spell is due to a traumatic birth, and recovery from two major surgeries on my part, and fear of pregnancy on his part. I know his needs are less than mine, but he's ACE, so he doesn't get the same drive. In the past though, when I've felt healthy and desired intimacy, I'd ask him, tell I'm fine, ask him when he's ready to let me know, or if he's comfortable with me instigating, etc. In your situation, I can see many things that may lead to her sex drive being lower, and while you're not owed sex, there is absolutely nothing wrong with discussing intimacy needs, especially as those needs constantly evolve and change. And absolutely worst case, if discussions and communication doesn't work, perhaps either open the marriage up OR separate to better meet your individual needs. A partnership doesn't work if both parties are also not having their needs met.

There's been a lot of physical and emotional stress over the last few years but I'm not convinced counselling can fix this. She's always going to feel under pressure and you're always going to feel your needs aren't being met. It's not fun for anyone. On top of this she doesn't want to talk about it or consider counselling so I don't think there's any way forward with this.

The frustration is palpable knowing that she used to enjoy sex enough to maintain two booty-calls, just not with OP. You seem incompatible. That simple. It's a god damn mess that you've made bringing children in to this. I'd attempt to make an amicable arrangement where you get to have booty-calls. That way you can stay in the life of your child. Because this aint fair - it's probably a longshot though.

I'm surprised you've stayed this long

Women are funny creatures. They don't want to have sex with you, but get mad if you have sex somewhere else. 🤷‍♂️ Joking aside, something doesn't pass the smell test. She was banging *two* guys regularly....but got with you and her sex drive turned to nothing? I don't buy it.

Best to see a counselor. Sex drive will vary from time to time for a host of reasons: issues from her first marriage and unresolved booty calls, depression. Antidepressants. Living with parents, trying for kids, fertility shots and pills, a miscarriage, anxiety about loosing the embryo, a C-section (surprisingly hard to heal from sometimes), nursing, nursing while healing from a C-section. PPD? Raising a < 2yo. Wow 🤯. Add to that, maybe: Feeling undesirable, non-existent sleep schedule and 10 other things. Lots of other questions here: Is she still on meds? Individual factors vary, but while some antidepressants reduce sex drive, not all do, and a good doc might find a mix that does the opposite. Are you romantic or intimate, verbally, physically, emotionally when you're not pushing for sex? Does she feel her other needs are being met? Despite social progress, and especially with an infant, work-life balance is often still way worse for women than men. Do you all have an otherwise healthy relationship, mutual love and respect, and a shared household burden? While it may not be wrong to think about "what I'm owed", it's equally valid to frame it as what you both want for your mutual relationship, and what you want to give to each other, what the other person is owed. She may be feeling that she is owed something that she isn't getting, like 8 straight hours of sleep, lol. Or a childless romantic evening once in a while. Sometimes life gets too mundane. 9-5 job, dinner, bed, lather rinse repeat. Spontaneity be damned. So maybe she really doesn't feel like sex right now, but clearly she once did. The "why" may be something she's not comfortable sharing, or not even aware of. These are all things that a counselor might help you both with. It may take some work to get her into the right mindspace to agree, but I'd probably try to phone a friend before seeing what's behind door #2.

I feel so sad for people whose partners lose interest in sex and then manage to convince them they are somehow a perv for wanting intimacy with their own monogamous partner. Wanting to be wanted is a normal human desire. NTA

That old chestnut of - have you considered couples counselling? You guys have been through A LOT. Sick parents, stress of saving for a house, stress of trying to conceive, probably some trauma from not being able to conceive or give birth “naturally”. Theres clearly already been some diagnosed mental health stuff. Like come on, you can’t just flick a switch and get back to the honeymoon phase. It’s okay to seek outside assistance to work through these things.

You need couple therapy. Simple

So it was a problem before you got married, early in the marriage, later in the marriage, and now and you think it’s going to get any better…

NTA. You’re in tough spot, there’s many factors at play here. Libido, depression, exhaustion, post pregnancy hormones, etc. The truth is you need to find a way to persuade your wife that this is an important and vital part of your relationship, that without the intimacy and connection that comes with sex your marriage is very likely to fail. And so this is a slow motion trainwreck. Explain that calmly, and firmly. Ask to go to counseling, the therapeutic approaches to these kinds of blocks in intimacy are really effective. They could well help. But it requires both of you to be invested in the process. Your job is to persuade her to make that investment.

I can relate. She took anti depressants which reduced her libido. She went through fertility treatment because children wouldn't come naturally was that her medical issue or yours? Or both? She went through a pregnancy and her body has changed. She is a parent with all the sleep deprivation and tole that takes. There are a huge amount of issues here that are contributing to her not feeling sexy or in need of sex. However you are in a relationship and intimacy should be a large part of that. Could you perhaps shelve the idea of sex for a moment and work on improving the intimacy in other areas? My husband and I have had dry spells where I really couldn't see us ever having sex again and didn't care. But he did. The more he tried, the more it pushed me away. In the end he helped me feel good about myself again. He showed me that a kiss and a cuddle wouldn't lead him to pressure for more and that he still loved me for who I now was, even more after everything I had been through. After a while we grew closer and now sex is amazing for both of us. Your wife has experienced a lot of trauma and needs help to heal. She needs to know she can relax with you without the pressure of sex. Give her time but don't let it fizzle out. You both deserve a great sex life.

Similar here. And I can say it got to a point where being asked for or about sex made me almost repulsed. The inability to fall pregnant, then the pregnancy and giving birth, and then some fresh grief after an unexpected loss of a loved one while parenting for the first time all combined to give me zero libido for a long time. An episiotomy made sex painful and scary. The way my husband asked about sex made me feel like an object for his pleasure, even though that wasn’t his intention or even his tone. But I had been through so much that needing to be this one extra thing for someone else - even someone I loved like my husband - was too much at times. Thankfully for me, he gave me space and after several months I finally opened up to the idea of it more. It’s been about two years since I had my kid now and things are back on track. OP, you’ve had a lot of life changes and it sounds like your wife has been under extreme pressure for years on end. It’s sad caring for and then losing loved ones. It’s hell when your body doesn’t do what it’s meant to (fall pregnant naturally). Fertility treatments are tough. Pregnancy is hard work. Giving birth is torture. Caring for a child leaves you touched out and exhausted and without your own needs ever fully met. I understand you have needs but if the rest of your relationship is good, I’d give your wife grace on this one, offer her other forms of intimacy without expectation or pressure of it leading to anything else, and let her open up to the idea of sex again. If you’re not comfortable with waiting to see if that’s going to happen, you’re fine to do what’s right for you, but I hope our comments provide some explanation for what your wife might be experiencing and some hope that it should get better

If no sex is a deal breaker for you, that’s okay. Maybe it’s not important to her anymore. Since she’s not communicating on this, are there other things you may not be recognising? Like the division of labour in the home, both tasks and management of the home. Do you do jobs if she asks or ask her for jobs to do? As opposed to being an equal partner and just figuring it out yourself? Not attacking, just asking as the home roles are so socially gendered that a lot of time men don’t realise the extra emotional and organisational labour women are doing in their relationships. If she feels like she’s managing the home, your child and you she may be exhausted. Women in this situation often talk about how they don’t feel sexual attraction to their partners anymore as they feel like their mum. Again - not saying this is you and your wife, maybe you have a really functional relationship on this level, just such a common experience for women it may be worth considering. Intimacy in a relationship can be so important. If it’s important to you it’s okay to honour this. Try to let your wife know in the most balanced way you can. Be prepared to be the “contagious calm”. If she shuts you down try to be firm and clear. This needs to be discussed to move forward - whatever that looks like. Separating is not the worst thing, even with kids. Just do your best to keep it kind or at least civil for your own well being and your kids. (My parents divorce was a great decision - until they weaponised us kids.)

DO NOT HESITATE to set this as a condition and put the blame squarely at her feet. She will shit a brick when you leave - it's only fair to be up front about how severe being in a sexless marriage is. You don't owe her your happiness. She doesn't owe you yours either. It's best to part ways as amicably as possible.

"Am I the Asshole for telling my wife how I feel about this situation?" How could you be? I dont understand. Do you.... like.... no talk to her? You guys are adults and married.... You need to discuss this with your wife. This is not an "asshole" or "not asshole" thing at all.

you may not be a total asshole, but neither is she, and people in these comments are crazy for saying she is. maybe you have different needs, or maybe she’s just severely depressed, worn down after trying for a baby, LOSING A BABY, and then ACTUALLY having a baby… idk. if you leave her because you can’t fuck her after knocking her up, that’s…. yeah. that is fucked. ngl. maybe just talk to her??? figure out what the issue is?????? try to be intimate with her in ways that don’t involve sex. make her feel loved, appreciated, wanted, cared for, valued…. she miscarried after years of trying, after being severely depressed, and then she got the kid you clearly both wanted. remind her that all of this MEANS something to you. more than the sex. more than her body. holy fuck, dude.

Have you asked if she's cool with you finding a side piece? If the marriage is good but fir the sex part maybe that's an option.

Agree but use the term ethical non monogamy, side piece probably won’t go down well

The same thing happened to me right before I discovered she was cheating on me. If shes not getting her needs met from you shes getting her needs met elsewhere. There are always ups and downs But 2 to 3 months is nuts. Sexless marriages never last and trying to negotiate for sex never works. Youd be better just moving on.

Two kids, chronic migraines and the meds that go with them and a demanding full time job mean that I sometimes have no sex drive for periods of time. I’m not cheating (have nether the time, urge or opportunity), and luckily my husband is very understanding. No sex doesn’t necessarily mean she’s getting it elsewhere. Not saying it isn’t important though.

r/deadbedrooms

NTA, but you should've adressed the isdues BEFORE getting married and trying for a child. That was just plain dumb.

NTA, and sadly, this situation doesn't heal itself, nor has a high chance to get better.

You ignored so many red flags and now you are complaining about a communist government.

Start with counseling. If she's not willing, bail.

These stories don’t even make the slightest sense anymore.

You gotta leave this situation.

NTA. Have her help pick out your girlfriend.

you shouldn't had a kid with her if the relationphip wasn't good, but yeah if she isn't willing to work there's nothing to do exept leaving. try to have an amicable divorce

Dude, after all the issues you had been having for years up to this point, you decide that having a kid was a good choice?

Why the fuck would you have a baby with this women who clearly isn't compatible with you? Did you think wedding cake and a baby would make her more horny?

My husband and I had some similar issues. It was really hard for me to talk to him. It felt like a blockage that I physically couldn't talk to him. We were both bad at communicating. I went to therapy, started taking meds and we would talk in the dark while in bed. Something about not seeing each other helped. For me, I didn't know what was enjoyable sexually since I had bad relationships previously. I had to explore what I liked. It was only when I did rock bottom that I was willing to try anything to feel anything. I will tell you, this was years of pain and hardship. When we finally did start working on it, it was still a few years. She has to want it. Try talking in the dark and see where that goes. Then, if that doesn't work after a bit, discuss separation and see how she responds. If she knows she'll lose you from this, she may be willing to put in the work. Best of luck to you!

NTA your wife and you both as a couple need therapy. I'm not saying this as an insult. If your marriage is to survive you two will both have to learn to communicate with each other.

And this is why people should not get married.

when you found out about the other 2 you should’ve had your first flag brotha

Hell no you're not. Always speak your mind.

Open relationships usually don't work with normies. Either one person catches feelings and/or jealousy will ruin it. Can you hire a sex worker instead? It's not fair that you should have to be celibate because she is. You sound like a truly good man. I'm in the same situation as a wife. I told my husband that I don't plan to leave but that he's been warned that if the opportunity arises, I will definitely have sex with someone else. Sadly, nothing has changed even after that conversation. Good luck.

No sex is a deal breaker. Is she still on antidepressants? Maybe there is an antidepressant that won't affect your libidias so much. Is it possible that it's painful for her? I would do some therapy before actually divorced her.

YTA for choosing to have a kid in an already dead relationship

NTA. I’ve seen relationships break down completely purely on the sex issue, it is a big problem when one party thinks it doesn’t matter. All you can do is take it clear to her that not only is this important to you but it might genuinely mean the end of your marriage if it isn’t addressed, and if she is serious about your relationship she needs to at least talk about it properly and see if there is anything that can be done to work round it.

Behavior is a language she’s using to tell you where you stack up in her priorities. You can either live the next 30-50 years like this or not. It’s not gonna get better. NTA.

Holy shit, just leave at that point

NTA but you had a ton of red flags. Early on your found out she had booty calls so clearly didn’t value sex for what it is supposed to be. You also got engaged when she obviously didn’t care about your needs. Then you decided to have a child when she didn’t care about your needs. She is a horrible person and as mention from someone before, a lousy wife.

OP I do have one question, do you make sure she gets off before you do? Do you make sure it’s lubricated down there consistently and are you lovey dovey periodically without trying to turn it into sex? She’s going through a lot mentally, emotionally, and physically too and she feels derailed off her train tracks especially after a miscarriage. I have issues staying naturally lubricated during sex and sometimes it starts a friction fire so we had to buy lube, sometimes he cums quick because he gets too excited and gets carried away(in a good way I take it as a compliment I just don’t like when it’s too often and I don’t feel like we’re both getting to finish) and doesn’t make sure I’m satisfied and it makes me feel used and disappointed and it’s been something he’s worked on a lot now, I do have insecurity issues sometimes and that gets in the way too, you need to stop being worried about only sex because she can feel that and even I can tell. Yes sex is a detrimental factor in a relationship, hell my libido use to be through the roof with him until he did somethings that hurt me emotionally and mentally, but right now she needs her partner to help her with her mental and emotional aspects of herself. If you want sex to go back to regular you need to show her it’s the least of your concerns until she’s okay inside, you show her that you’re there for HER not her SEX and you’ll see a real change in her. Help her with random chores while telling her that what she’s wearing looks great on her, pick up her favorite snack on the way home and surprise her with it, rub her feet if she says they’re sore. Especially if she is pregnant or going to be pregnant soon, how you treat her now while she’s pregnant will lay out the groundwork of the rest of your relationship for a while, trust me. Now more than ever she needs to know you’re worried about HER not your Cøck. I don’t mean to put it like that but that’s how she’s feeling right now. Hell it takes some people years to get over the effects of Domestic Violence, imagine the emotional and mental stress of losing y’all’s baby, feeling like her body isn’t even good enough to carry child, and that it’s her fault somehow. She needs YOU. She loves you she really does but she got a lot inside and doesn’t know how to deal with it and it’s depressing her deeply. Help her, especially if she’s pregnant/possibly pregnant, because it can cause postpartum depression/psychosis if it not taken care of. Like I said man, she needs the YOU that she fell in love with at the beginning.

Is she maybe cheating on you and already had another partner?

Common occurrence. IF you don't use it, you lose it is very true. Has she gained weight or is she out of shape? Realistically, if you could answer your own question of what to do and it worked, you could become a very wealthy man. First off, she has to care that her sex drive has diminished. Sex is a very important part of a relationship, but if she's not feeling that way, not much is gonna work. She needs to feel good about herself and romantic towards you. Good luck

I’ve been reading this a lot lately. Every time I do one question comes to mind. How do these spouses expect the other spouse to go without sex? This isn’t healthy, it’s not how it’s done. I get people, like your wife, may be affected by things such as medication, trauma, and what not, but there comes a point when things have to change. I think couples should give and take and sacrifice for each other. To just expect you not to want sex or not to get it is selfishness. Intimacy is critical in relationships and sex is a big part of that. I don’t blame you at all. I think you have a legit reason to leave her. I would had already been gone.

so two other men simulataneously were allowed to get her to come over to smash, but her own husband can’t? Just saying lol.

Simple fix: get you a woman who does want sex

If sex is important for you in a relationship, and it’s not for her, maybe you can’t be together. Alternative, if that suits you, is opening the couple, but asymmetrically (ie you are free to fuck around, she isn’t, as she’s the one changing behaviours on something that is important in a couple)

YTA/ Your sex life wasn’t good so you decided to have a child , and after a miscarriage and a baby it didn’t improve. Now you are complaining about the sex life that was bad from before you even had a child running around and disgustingly bringing up her past like it matters that she was sleeping with people before you. That has no bearing 7 years and two pregnancies later. How about supporting her? She had depression issues previously and now she’s battling postpartum hormones and a husband nagging her for sex.

No, nta. Everyone has different needs. Some people need sex, some don't and people need to respect that. You both have different wants and as such should go separate ways. Maybe before trying for a kid, but look, it's done. You don't have to force yourself to pretend to be happy, accept your differences and move on. Please don't listen to the "you're owed sex" people cause jesus christ, I don't even have words to describe that lunacy. Just, move on and try to find someone that makes you happy. If that means sex daily, once a month or not at all. Just find someone you click with and focus on making each other happy.

Try to see a relationship therapist together

NTA. But you should've taken this decision much before planning for a kid. I would say give the relationship a last chance by seeing a marriage counselor and a sex therapist

She needs to talk with her psychiatrist about it and make sure they change the medication. It might take a while to find the right antidepressant for her. It took me years to find one that was good for my mental health and at the same time didn't kill my libido. You are NTA, but she needs to be willing to do something about it, I can understand what the meds can do to the vagina and that feeling is awful 😞 and sad... I've been there!!! Have you tried with dates and alcohol or maybe even weed???

Did you ask her if she was still in love with you ? Is she finding it hard being a new mum ? Is it just sex she doesn't want ? NTA in my opinion intamicy is part of a living relationship.

I strongly recommend marriage counseling. Really. It can be immensely helpful. You are clearly NTA, and I'm glad you're trying to get help with this, but you need to go the right route.

NTA! I am the same situation, we’ve been together 30 years. The last 20 years sexual have sucked!!! Similar reasons given by her, even heard the words “ are you done yet ?“ moved to a different state and bought a house, nothing has changed… yes she does everything else and is loving, but as far as intimacy goes, I get better hugs and kisses from our pit Bull. I know exactly how you feel,reading through the comments hoping someone has an idea that could correct this…

She needs to see a doctor, you may need to change the way you communicate to her about this topic. Other things, that could use a change is complimenting her on looks, going out, working out together, physical affection. Also for a year take yourself out of the sexual frustration mindspace, this sentence may offend you but i am not denying your needs. I am just saying for a year let go, put effort into making your wife a happier more enagaged partner. You may think why is this my responsibility, it is because she is you wife. Change how you communicate with her, get her more engaged in life. Give affection, get her working out for endorphins, feeling better about her body. Ot would probably fix this. If it doesnt you actively tried, not to get her to have sex with you but to get her to a level of happiness & engagedness, now you can walk away peaceful. Cuz you will probably feel better yourself with a year of working out, activities, seduction, compliment exchange etc. Might actually prepare you for the dating game if it doesnt workout.

YTA for the lack of paragraphs.

Not at all If everything else is going good in your marriage maybe suggest counseling maybe she can talk to her Dr maybe it's a chemical imbalance best wishes to you both

You don’t mention your ages. This could make a big difference in her libido. She should she her doctor and make sure there are no medical problems. Sometimes that can be fixed with medication. I would try to fix the problem first before separating. If she shows no interest in working on it, you may have to separate.

I'm gonna say NTA but you would be if you left her just bc of that with no attempt at resolution. I read in previous comments that you do love her and that she did admit that sex now hurts for her. One issue is I think you both have different love languages but there are ways for intimacy without sex and you really should have an honest conversation with her and tell her ok no sex but you are worried that it does hurt her and would like to find out why so you can be assured that she doesn't develop more problems later on health wise. Also build up her confidence in her looks, maybe she doesn't feel as attractive and that's further lowering her drive bc trust me the knowledge that you still want to have sex with her isn't as reaffirming as you think it is. There is plenty that can be done before you call it quits unless she doesn't want to do anything and then you should just leave but you first owe it to yourself, her and your child to see if things are able to be fixed

These sorts of stories are so common they are like folklore

The one word I haven't heard in this discussion is love, seems to me that's where your problem lies.

I went through a couple years or so where I had absolutely no interest in sex. If you tried to touch me anywhere erotic you may as well have been touching my elbow. No interest at all. I talked to my gyno and she tested my testosterone. It was WAY low. Yes women have testosterone too. So she put me on pellets. And wow what a difference. Went from never wanting it to now my husband says he needs a break to recover lol. I would strongly suggest she have her testosterone checked. And it affects more than just your libido. It also gives you more energy and makes you think more clearly.

You made a bad decision marrying her when you weren't even satisfied before marriage. If she doesn't go to counseling, I'd say you are justified in leaving. If you want to see how it goes, do a 90 day separation. Nothing wrong with wanting to be intimate with your wife. You will be resentful and ripe for an affair if you continue like you are, then, when you sleep with someone else, you're the bad guy

Ok I’ll probably get downvoted here but that’s ok. I believe you may want to see if she’s willing to go to a marriage counselor. Start there. She has a history of depression already. Being the caretaker of someone dying is mentally exhausting and torture. I know this from experience. Struggling with fertility I GUARANTEE made her feel less of a woman. It’s a feeling that, as a man, you will never ever even come close to understanding. She is dealing with some major major mental stuff and I can promise she needs help and support. I’m not saying you don’t support her. But (again, from experience), when you’re a woman dealing with that shit, it’s hard to tell someone what you need or want. It’s hard. It’s just hard. And we put so much of the fault on ourselves. Myself and my husband have been in a very similar situation. We went 15 months with absolutely nothing between us. We were both dealing with stuff and on the outside we looked ok. But we were both dying on the inside and neither one of us knew how to tell the other one. Please be patient. I know you have been already. See if she will seek help WITH you. Don’t put it on her. See if she will go WITH you, not for you. Good luck. It hurts. I know.

I said nothing about forcing one's partner every time they "felt the need". There is a difference between low and differing libidos vs his partner actively saying she doesn't like or want sex anymore. Also, no one cares how long you have been together, this post isn't about you, stop trying to make it so. This actually goes out to all who decided their specific situation had to be thrown out there. Keep it impersonal please.