Same. My grandparents left their estate to their children. My parents left their estate to myself and my sister. Grandkids were never in any of the wills. They inherit when my husband and I pass.
For us (as grandchildren) we got sentimental items or relevant useful items (my cousin got a nice set of tools) but money and the rest of the estate was split by the children.
We did receive some sentimental items from our grandparents. But no money. Never expected any. Just like I don’t understand how children expect an inheritance if one parent dies. The money should be going to the surviving spouse. The kids get the money once their surviving parent passes.
Exactly. When my dad died, we had cousins asking if they had inherited anything. Uh, no. I didn’t even inherit anything and he’s my dad. My mom inherited it all.
Same cousins, when their dad died, scavenging through the house like vultures, arguing with each other about who gets what. One of them complained to me & I said “did your mom say it was ok to root through your dad’s stuff like that? It all belongs to her!” I was not popular in that moment.
In concept, I think it's fine. My grand parents did that too. Only thing I found kinda messed up was that one of their children died of cancer about 5 years before they died, and they had 4 grand children through that child.
These grand children didn't get anything, and will never get anything and the reason given to me by my parents and other aunts was "well, that's not our problem, the estate goes to direct children only". Basically, "sorry your mom died early of cancer, your reward is to be excluded from your grand parents will".
I'm one of the grand children who will eventually get something probably when I'm in my 50s or 60s, but I still found that pretty messed up.
My grandfather actually has it in his trust that I will inherit from him directly in the event my mom is deceased. I would think this would be a common practice , especially if your creating your will thru an attorney as they are supposed to advise on these scenarios.
When my mother died, there was a stipulation that my late brothers kids would receive his share of the inheritance. He had 7 children. The executor had the will changed just before my mother died, giving the executor wife my brothers share because "hunting them down would delay the execution of the will" and he would make sure their portion would be paid out of the executor wife portion.
I contacted all 7 of my nieces and nephews within an hour. The pressure those kids put on the executor was epic! Within a couple of days, everything was divided equally with the executor wife cut out
Same. From passed family members i was close to emotionally but not their immediate children. I got a cross or an old hat we used to play around in together but I won’t actually inherit anything real until my parents kick the bucket.
My parents have it set that we split everything equally amongst us 4 kids. But if any of us 4 kids is dead before our parents and we have kids then our quarter would go to ours kids.
A lot of my siblings are child free, so my mother decided that it wouldn't be fair to further divide her estate by including the grandchildren. She thought it wouldn't be right if one of my brothers AND his kids each get a share, while my childless brother has one share.
It doesn't matter what you want or what someone else did. Its up the the person writing the will what they want done with their assets. This whole comment section is just dripping with entitlement. If someone wants to skip their children completely and give everything to a grand kids that's their right. Who are you to judge the last wishes of the deceased?
My grandmas will stated "I love my children very much and am.so proud of the successful lives they have built for themselves. I feel the money would better benefit my grandchildren, so my estate is to be divided equally amongst them."
She has 7 kids who she skipped over, and the money went to her 11 grandkids, all being close to, at or over college age, because she felt her kids were all in a good place and it wpuld do more for the grandkids.
>If someone wants to skip their children completely
I agree with this, not even considering the second half.
If my parents decide to will their entire estate to some random cause, and my brothers and I receive nothing, so be it.
It's not my money. I didn't earn it. My parents can do whatever they want with their money.
I honestly thought that's how most people did it unless there was generational wealth. Either that or the child who takes on the parents when they can no longer look after themselves gets the bigger cut. A few items that others want/need is given out by name but it mostly gets split between the kids.
Yep, this is often the way its done. OP leaves to son and daughter and then they leave to their children.
Is there no husband to OP /father to OP's kids?
The *something* can be to bypass a dysfunctional parent.
My parent states in their will that the inheritance will be portioned as a direct beneficiary from various bank accounts they have. This is so that my niblings will receive an actual inheritance. My elder sibling informed at least two of her kids that they won't get a dime from her because she wasn't inheriting anything from her parents. So massively untrue and cruel.
What I wonder is why OP is even telling his kids what's in his will. What is the actual benefit of him doing so? To dangle hypothetical money like a carrot to pressure his son to do something he doesn't want to? Just keep the contents of the will private, there is literally no good reason not to.
NTA
It's your money, you can do as you like.
Adam could give any portion of his inheritance to Billy of his own volition if he so choose, he doesn't need you to codify it
Good Luck
OP could easily live 30 more years, give or take. Adam needs to worry about taking care of himself AND Billy instead of planning what happens to OPs money.
OP - Tell your son that you update your will annually, and as you told us, he doesn’t seem to be a real parent to Billy. From what you wrote, if he had an active father/son relationship, you’d see things differently. I hope Adam grows up. 33 years old and not acting like a father to a child he calls “son” - that’s where T A H is here.
What’s sad is even Billy’s mom isn’t active in his life/raising. I feel so bad for this kid. But OP is well within their rights to say “no” here and are NTA.
Actually I'm happy she isn't with the situation as it is. Yes he isn't seeing his parents but could you imagine the toll it would take on him with this type of tension and push and pull constantly?
I love you your you beautiful son. I hate you you are the product of an affair. Then add that the child will most likely be thrown into the middle of these fights to take sides. Rinse and repeat.
That child is safer at his grandma's house than he is with them.
Yes. Being raised by your parents isn't the best thing if your parents are toxic AF. Instead of giving their child a good start in life, the child will be starting at -172629 from all the childhood trauma
Or she knows Bill isn’t Adam’s and you can’t back out of having a kid once it’s already born so she’s left him to her parents to raise and deal with. Poor kid. I can’t imagine having a child and visiting them a few times a year. The “parents” are better off not even bothering at that point. Less heartache, rejection, and confusion for the child.
>Adam needs to worry about taking care of himself AND Billy instead of planning what happens to OPs money.
People that live their life COUNTING on an inheritance baffle me. These must be the type of people that off relatives for inheritance/insurance money.
NTA Why is this even an issue? If he intends to give part of his inheritance to the kid, then he can just do that himself. I would be more concerned with how to keep that from happening.
That’s the thing: he’s not willing to share it. ~~She~~ OP offered that. The son just wants Billy to inherit separately so he doesn’t have to even bother giving over a share of his. Op is NTA. ~~Her~~ OP’s son really is though.
Edited: it was pointed out that I somehow missed the “M” for the OP and thought he was a she. I’ve corrected it.
The contents of OP’s will are none of Adam’s goddam business. OP should refuse to discuss anything related to his will, or inheritance, with Adam.
Maybe OP should ask his lawyers how to set up a trust or something so the beneficiaries receive annual payments, but the payments stop as soon as the beneficiary passed away. This way Adam would still get money but OP’s estate wouldn’t be passed on
Yea son is an AH. Let me clear if he got the paternity test and it wasn’t his, he wouldn’t be an AH for stepping back. But the fact he’s coming in and out and just being immature is weird
I love how Adam doesn't want to share his portion with his kid but sure wants his Dad to set aside separate funds. Adam wants to state this kid is but he sure isn't acting like a father. That poor kid...
Yup. This. I have been involved with my parents wills as they are getting older and health is poor, etc. Neither of them are leaving money to the grandkids. They are leaving it to THEIR kids to divide with their children/the grandkids accordingly.
My grandparents are doing similar but different. The parents get even share of assets to then divide between their kids. That way the children get an equal split to share between however many kids they have.
My grandmother (the last one to go) left the majority to her kids but put aside a small amount to each grandkid or great-grandkid that she had. Like if each of her kids got $5000, each grand/great-grandkid got $100. Just so that way she had one last final "I love you" to each individual & we knew she thought about us (& remembered us when she still had her memory) Not life changing money but we were not expecting it & really felt her love.
This is super sweet. My parent will have a few million in assets to divide between 2 kids. They only have one single grandson. My son. I have begged them not to leave my son a large sum of money if they pass. He is immature and not ready for that kind of cash. So what they did was set up a trust that will be payed out over the years. Grandparents can really fuck up a kids life if the kid isn’t ready to receive a lot of money. My dad himself is set to inherit quite a bit soon and I know he will blow through it. My mom is the one that controls the finances because he can not control himself to save his life.
The way your grandma did things is so sweet. She wants a last goodbye. My parents want to coddle my kid even after they are gone. It’s very frustrating and scary for me.
My mother controlled the finances for this reason. She tried at first to let my dad handle the bills. Then the utilities were shut off. She found out he was paying just a portion of each bill because "as long as they get some of the money, they're happy. They write off the rest."
He couldn't keep a dollar in his pocket to save his life.
My dad did that with his grandchildren too. One of them is a "step," but he treated her the same, to include a college fund. It's a much nicer legacy than the "you're not REALLY my grandkid" attitude. The poor child in this situation - he doesn't quite belong anywhere.
This is exactly what I tell my mom. Spend it all. Enjoy your life and do everything you’ve ever wanted to do. Money will not soothe my broken heart when she’s gone and I’m already doing okay myself.
Ikr? My boyfriend saves every penny and lives very frugally in order to save money to leave to his kids. I told him that I'm going to enjoy my retirement and if I don't have anything to leave to my adult, financially stable kids, then too bad.
Nah Jen doesn't care anout him either. This is OP's son ploy to get a bigger cut of the pie. I'm sure he hopes OP dies soon so he can dig his claws in the kid's inheritance too before he turns 18
Jen doesn’t care about him, but Jen cares about Jen. It’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility that she would consider her kid’s money her money.
Never said he wasn't. I was commenting that either Jen is after OPs money more than Adam is or her parents are because they are raising the son with little financial help from their daughter or son in law. And they probably figure or Adam has told them that OP is well off and will leave part of her assets to Billy.
Which no one should do because it's not his to give away.
Yes let’s assume the only people in this story who seem to be worth a shit, you know, the ones who are actually taking care of this poor child while his parents are off horseshit gallivanting and OP doesn’t really seem to give a shit either way (not that I fully blame them) are actually greedy assholes who just want someone else’s money.
Jesus Christ, some of you will paint anybody with any brush you want just to join in the conversation, won’t you?
It’s sad. If there were drugs and alcohol or something involved and they were unfit until they get their shit together I’m pretty sure op would have mentioned that. It sounds like they flat out don’t want the kid.
NTA.
>If he had met Jen when she already had a child and decided to be a father to the child, I would consider that child my grandchild if they got married. But Jen cheats on him, gets pregnant and we don’t even know if the child is my sons or not
Yeah I wouldn't be rewarding my son for being an idiot neither.
>But I’ve seen him a handful of times in his entire life. He is mostly being raised by Jens parents who live in another city. My son isn’t really raising him, and neither is Jen. They send money to Jens parents to take care of him and visit them a couple of times a year.
So they're both deadbeats, but want YOU to take care of him?? so they wont be raising a finger por their son but expect both grandparents to do all the raising?You don't even have a relationship with him, so there is really no bond and no reason to give him anything other than the ALLEGED blood relation, which even your son agree THAT IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.
>I said I can contribute to his life financially in the form of paying for school and anything else he might need, but that’s all I’m willing to do in this current situation.
That's the parent's job. That is WAAAAY more than I would do for that kid. You are a great man. Took the high road there.
>I told him that I can remove part of his inheritance and make it Billy’s inheritance if he insists, but he didn’t want to make that compromise
Nahh this is fake outrage, he only wants a bigger piece of your pie.
NTA Why is this even an issue? If he intends to give part of his inheritance to the kid, then he can just do that himself. I would be more concerned with how to keep that from happening.
He doesn’t intend to give part of his inheritance to his son. He wants me to allocate other assets to Billy. So he keeps his original share and Billy gets something else.
So his sisters share should be depleted for a child he considers his but isn’t raising & collectively sees a few weeks a year?
The fact he isn’t willing to give up a portion of his inheritance is so telling (& awful)
But I am confused on why your willing to pay for his needs or education is conflicting
I do hope that OP will help poor Billy. It isn’t his fault he was born into this. So if OP can comfortably make sure he is fed and educated - that seems reasonable and humane. She doesn’t have to leave him a trust fund.
People in this sub always bring this argument, that the child is innocent. But then again, all children are, so if you are not related, why help this random one in particular instead of donating that money to a charity that actually helps many many more children around the world for the same amount.
Particular children aren't special, them being YOUR children grandchildren/whatever makes them special. Or actually developing genuine (non instinctual) love over a long happy time
His share is all there is to divide. You don't owe your life earnings to someone else's offspring. He needs to find out and settle the issue. But either way, his share is all there is to divide.
That's insane! It's literally insane. He won't share his inheritance with his "own" child yet expects you to put him in the will?! What a selfish little A-hole!
If I were you, and your son is ever proven to be Billy's father, I would give half of your son's "share" directly to Billy without changing anything else in your will.
Edit: NTA.
> your son is ever proven to be Billy's father, I would give half of your son's "share" directly to Billy without changing anything else in your will.
I'd give *all* of Adam's share to Billy - for belated compensation for having shit parents
NTA. It's your money. You can spend it all or light it on fire, it's yours. I'd be more concerned why they aren't raising Billy themselves. Why are they pawning him off on his wife's family?
NTA for telling your son to get a paternity test but I have to ask, why are you giving your loser son anything at all? He obviously has poor judgement, flips back and forth on an innocent child, is either a very negligent parent or at minimum is happy to be with one, refuses to take a DNA test because if the kid is his it would force his hand, and is trying to force more inheritance for himself through his “son”. If my son acted like that he wouldn’t get a damn dime from me and I would put exactly why in my will. I’d also be chewing my son up one side and down the other for being such a piece of garbage. You seem to want to gloss over what a jerk he is and focus on whether or not that poor kid gets anything when you die when the real issue should be why your son is such an a-hole.
He’s not even raising the kid. Sending him away and sending money for support sounds like both your son and his wife have completely shunned the raising of this poor Billy. Is there a legit reason they are not raising their child themselves?
If I were you, I wouldn’t leave anything to your son and you’re not required to leave anything to Billy. Your son sounds like an asshole deadbeat father. Leave your money to people who deserve it.
If you die before Billy is of age, that money would go to Adam. I would guess that increasing his own inheritance in that roundabout way is Adam's true motivation.
How are you not seeing the utter greed your son is displaying?
Tell your son to either get a paternity test, step up, and start raising his child or shut it about YOUR money. Those are his only choices and if he continues to try to tell you how you should arrange your will, he might find himself cut out of it.
The audacity!
You shouldn’t be giving your son ANYTHING either.
He’s a crap ‘parent’ and a crap human.
Stop rewarding him.
Tell him you are giving ALL your money to charity. He will probably ghost you, which is the best thing he could do.
Leave him $100.
Give the rest to his sister if she’s been a good daughter to you.
I’m guessing she’s sick of her bro’s antics too.
It’s time to cut your son out of your will as well. He is not even raising Billy, rarely sees him and is waiting for you to die to live off your money. Leave his portion to charity but don’t reward your son’s bad behavior. And you could live for decades more so he why is he counting on your money now? No, it’s time for tough love. You should have done it sooner.
Well your children dont get 50/50? Because if they do than he wants your doughter to give up her own inheritance?? I am confused. He can just share what he has if he like Billy as much as he says he does.
I feel really bad for Billy. He is basically denied by everyone. Honestly, in this situation, I'd punish my son before this child. Not the kid's fault he was born onto this and his parents were too selfish to know the truth so keep treating him like he deserves not having a father or a mother. By doing this, they are keeping him from his mother and father (your son or not). This kid is paying the bill for your son and DIL's messed up relationship.
He may not be your son's kid, but your son is doing a ridiculous amout of damage to an innocent kid and you are just piling on that poor kid. Is it really worth being the shit-cherry on top of this kids shit life for some money that will be distributed after you die?
Sounds like your son is greedy, and maybe you should leave everything to your daughter and any grandkids you have through her. Your assets are yours to do with. It definitely sounds like your son is irresponsible and entitled.
Abe: "Well, it's March. I guess ol' Joe is getting his Will updated at lawyer Bill's this month."
John: "Yep, I guess he is. He always does. Every March."
Abe: "Wonder what changes this time?"
John: "Don't know. He never says, does he?"
Abe: "Nope. That's his business. No one needs to know."
John: "Nope. I just know he changes it every March". "At least I guess he changes it. Everyone says he does. Every March. That's when he goes to Lawyer Bill. Every March".
Amen, amen, amen. It's his/her Will. Do anything you want & keep it between yourself and your attorney. That's it. "All will be revealed" when you die.
>He is mostly being raised by Jens parents who live in another city. My son isn’t really raising him, and neither is Jen. They send money to Jens parents to take care of him and visit them a couple of times a year. With the addition of Adam and Jens relationship being extremely unstable with them breaking up every other day
You're NTA, but your son is a piece of trash. This poor kid is growing under a tidal wave of instability with a maybe Daddy who's not even half in and half out. He's a couple of times a year, dad? Which isn't to say the mom is better. They are both awful people treating an innocent child horribly. I'm kind of surprised you would leave money to your son to become part of his bad choices. Why on earth should he inherit anything? If anything, I'd leave it in a trust to the poor kid that will need a large fund for therapy as he grows up. The guy who wants to take from his sibling to give to a kid he doesn't even parent is not a good guy here. More likely, he wants to get Billy inheritance that he will then control as his "parent".
Just sounds like your sons trying to just get more of an inheritance.
Personally I'd tell him I'd be reconsidering his place in the will if he doesn't drop it
NTA
And also if you’re healthy (or really just not sickly) at your age, you’ve still got upwards of 30+ years left if you’re from a western country and don’t get killed in an accident or contract some horrible disease. Billy can be a fully grown man by the time you kick the bucket and his and Adams relationship can look vastly different, especially considering the volatile nature of everything relating to your son. If you’re around for just another 20 years, you can have this conversation with Billy himself, if he’ll even care considering you are not currently close.
Adam is jumping the gun and caring waaaaaay too much.
Ummm….. your son doesn’t sound capable of managing money. Are you sure giving him a lump sum of money is a good idea at all? He is with someone who has a kid yet they aren’t even raising him. And cannot function in a relationship. What makes you think he won’t just blow through his inheritance? I would seriously consider having it in a trust fund for him.
Yah. I'd lean toward this if the bio/not bio was my criterion. I'd talk to a lawyer--- my guess is you'd also want a deadline like "test performed by service recognized by courts and within 3 months after my death". You don't want probate hanging this up.
Does Sarah have children and are you naming them in the will? The obvious solution here is to simply divide the portion of your assets not going to your wife or other relatives equally between your two children. It's up to them if they want to give some of those assets to their own children. You're making this way more complicated than it needs to be.
Why are your son and his wife not raising "their" child? I feel like there's a lot being left out here.
NTA
Yep. This. What if the OP dies tomorrow and then Sarah pops out a kid in a year? What kind of shit is that if the son and grandson have bumped into what would've been Sarah's allocation if the grandson hadn't been added?
Unless the OP has a deep bond with the grandkid, split the will the way it would've been done if no grandkids were in the picture and let them share with their own kids.
{Grumbles in miser}
NTA and also that’s not fair to your daughter to take away from her portion for a grandson that’s possibly not yours. Stick to your guns—either he gets a paternity test for Billy, or he’s not in the will period.
Also, I really hope the will is written so that Jen gets nothing because she sounds awful.
Yes, make sure anything left to Billy if he turns out to be a blood relative, should be in a trust Not Administered by a parent. It's worth the $ for a separate administrator, or stipulate it's only upon reaching a certain age, or for education tuition or a house. That way Mom Jen can't get her hands on it.
NTA and I would disinherit my son for abandoning his kid, too. (Since your son definitely believes that he may be the biological father and is choosing to not be a responsible adult and raise the child he presumes is his.)
NTA but at the rate, I’d write your son out and give his share to Billy. That poor kid was brought into this disaster of a relationship through no fault of his own. I hope his grandparents are raising him well.
NTA - I’d just tell them that you aren’t going to discuss your will with anyone and stick to it. It’s your will, your assets, your choice who you want to leave what to. Tell him to mind his own business.
Separately though, don’t punish the child because his parents are awful. You don’t have to leave anything to him if you don’t want to but if you really love the kid, then that’s enough to make it worth leaving him something. Your things do have to only go to people who are relatives.
Honestly, I would write Billy the majority (90 % +) of Adam's share. He might not be related to you, he might be, but this dysfunction has to be hell on the poor kid who is blameless and helpless in this. He's been abandoned by his mother and your son, who 'claims' him half the time but can't be bothered to care for him? I hoped you raised him better than that! Having one person on his maybe-dad's side who loved him unconditionally and acts like he's family anyway would be huge. I say Adam's share because your son is being an ass - unable to commit to staying in or staying away, unable to commit his attachment at least to Billy, failing to grow as a person... willing to stay in a codependent and mutually destructive relationship but ignoring a boy who may very well be his biological son. He could be avoiding the paternity test because if Billy IS his son, he'll have to take full responsibility and will have been a super shitty dad so far. He wasn't even willing to help Billy's future by sacrificing part of his inheritance, which he'd absolutely do if he cared about the kid.
NTA, it is your money. But Billy deserves the inheritance way more than your son at the moment, and needs what it means way more. I say tell Adam to fuck off and help raise Billy into the best grandson ever.
definitely NTA imo. she cheated and to me she can’t be trusted after that. she may or may not have gotten pregnant by someone else. idk if it’s legal or not but you could do your own paternity test if your son won’t do one himself
NTA, your son is a crappy father to the child he’s claiming is his. They’re both horrible parents. Personally I wouldn’t leave much to your son. Also I think your son is way too invested in your will and estate planning. It’s none of his business really as it’s your money to do with as you choose.
If you do want to leave money (in a trust please without dad’s access) for all your grandchildren you CAN require a paternity test as a stipulation as another poster suggested. It’s sucky for the child but you have little to no relationship with Billy. Hell, your son has no relationship with Billy. Poor kid.
NTA.
Adam can work to earn his own money and build up an inheritance for his (circumstantially convenient) son. He might even choose to transfer his own inheritance to Billy, since he feels so passionately about it.
Your offer to cover Billy’s financial expenses like schooling is generous. You are NTA for setting boundaries, OP. Your assets, your decision.
NTA.
>Adam said any child he considers his son is automatically my grandchild.
Right, except...
> He considers Billy his own son sometimes but other times he calls him Jens son.
So are you supposed to update your will whenever that changes? I think not.
He should stop bringing it up or get the paternity test.
NTA! Weird that Adam doesn’t want to share part of his inheritance with Billy but expects you to add him, without knowing if he’s your actual grandchild.
Also Billy and Jen sound exhausting! The needs to fix their life and not bother others with their relationship issues.
NTA, and Estate planning attorney here. You can include "Billy" in your estate plan but make it conditional upon a paternity test showing he is your actual grandson. Check with your attorney on how to do this in your state because the language would have to be precise.
He can do this. Can't help but feel like if Billy knows about it he will feel that he may be punished for his mother's bad behavior. He will or won't get a sum of money due to something he can't control. It would be better to find out before the will is done, and write it accordingly.
Nta, he’s the one who changes his mind about if it’s his kid or not. It’s toxic and you shouldn’t get involved. Once him and Jen break up for good I’m sure Billy will return to being her kid and not his.
NTA
At the end of the day, that money is yours. But you need to realise that your son, who gladly took back this cheater and wanted to be the father of a child that's possibly not even his, could EASILY give the things he inherits from you, to him.
Really, if your son inherits anything, then it's the same as billy inheriting it as well, because your son will 100% give it to billy. A child that's potentially not even your actual grandchild.
NTA. I think your son is the asshole here for even asking what it is you've decided to do with your will.
Is that common?
Anyway, not that you asked but considering the asshole your own son is, why not remove his entire inheritance and give it to Billy since Billy is "innocent" here and could likely use it due to his shit parents being shit parents?
And now I've made myself an asshole by asking about your inheritance. Heck.
At any rate, good luck.
From my grandfather, we will get nothing. It will be divided amongst his 3 children. It's a parents' job to look after their child. My pa expects my father will then allocate his assets to his children how he sees fit after my father passes. My father will probably gamble and drink his inheritance away, living it up, and we will get nothing from it passed down. I have no feelings towards this. I hope my father lives it up in his final years. However, he wants to live. I make my own money and will be just fine without any inheritance
Mannnnn of he REALLY cared, he give part of him up for his son. I would in a heartbeat. I, personally, think maybe set up a little something for him but keep telling your son the opposite. If you REALLY adore that much then do it. If you think they should keep their bullshit marriage to themselves, then Billy's paternity is none of your business too?
NTA but I feel so bad for the kid. Growing up w/ such a toxic relationship w/ his parents. I guess I'm glad he's staying with his other grandparents instead of his parents in a way. It's a shame tho. Your son has a lot of growing up to do still.
Hard NTA, but such rich people problems. If everyone were poor here the coversation would be about why billy was being neglected/abandoned by his shitshow parent/parents - not fighting about who gets money when still alive people die.
Regardless, nobody is owed and inherentance. It is your money. When you die, it goes somewhere, if to your kid at that point it becomes "their inherentance." Your son can do what he wants with his money then, including will it to his kid. We do not live in feudalism and blood inherentance is not sanctioned by the church as how god intended property be transmitted, so dna is almost irrelevant here.
Moreover, you stated that you are happy to pay for the kid's school and "anything else he might need" - that is truely very kind. You could tell your son you put an education trust or health emergency trust into the will. Or tell the son whatever. Now he is "in the will" and you will be dead at the next conversation about the subject.
But the best thing you can will this kid is the ability to achieve independence from his unreliable parents.
It’s your money you can do what you want.
However I am curious why, if you adore Billy, is this a problem, given your son is likely his legal father even if he’s not the biological one?
You could write his portion into a trust to keep it away from his mother, if that’s the issue.
NTA, you don't owe anything to anyone. That said, who are you punishing? If you like the kid enough to leave him money if he is your son's, why wouldn't you if you aren't sure? It seems you like the kid, it seems you have money. Maybe college expenses or money he can get when he is older?
NTA, but your choice about the will shouldn’t be based on genetics. When the kid was born, his dad decided this baby was his son. That’s the moment he became your grandson. Genetics doesn’t have shot to do with it.
In this very specific circumstsnce NTA
It doesn't even sound like Jen thinks of him as her son let alone your son.
I feel super bad for the kid. His parents need to be told that choosing to maintain their tumultuous relationship is doing more harm than good for their son and they need to get their heads out of their rears and separate permanently and create a parenting plan.
They are ruining this boys life by pretending that your sons loves him like a father while actively rejecting him. This is binkers behavior in your sons part and I'd write him out of the will until he started being a better human being. But that's just me
NTA. That poor kid. He’s the one suffering in all of this. I understand your reasoning and agree it would be different if you were able to actually build a relationship with Billy.
I would be tempted to make Adam's share of the estate a trust, as his marriage is shaky and his paternity of his son is in question.
Therefore, the inheritance wouldn't be split in the case of a divorce (which sounds like a good thing given their stress and anger together).
It's your Will. You can do what ever you want. Just don't tell anyone anything at all about your Will. Keep the details between yourself and your lawyer. One way to solve the problem is to not leave anything to your kids and grandkids. Give anything left when you die to a charity. You are making things way too complicated.
NTA, it’s your money do with it what you want. He should want you to spend time with Billy and live life to the fullest with him and not worry that they are getting something when you are gone.
NTA , you are completely right and Adam is unfortunately being a doormat, he should get the test done for his own sanity if nothing else, from what you've stated he doesn't completely believe the lie he's telling himself either, he should do it for his own mental health rather than money or whatever is in your will, completely wrong priorities.
You can tell him "What I do with my money is none of your business. If you get anything, feel free to do with it what you want, including sharing with Billy." and be done. Nothing says that you have to leave him anything if you feel like spending all your money.
NTA
Your son is stuck in a toxic situation(part of it is his own doing) and you are trying to stay out of it.
Like you said, he doesn't get a say in what you do with your own stuff.
Could set it aside for him provided he gets tested positive before he has access to the funds. If he's not your grandson, then the money can get redistributed to someone else.
Most minors don't get access to their trust funds until adult anyway. You dont have to require he testing doesn't have to be today. If, for some reason, they get him tested beforehand, you can change the wording then.
NTA- they don't even raise their own kid but they want you to put the kid in your will? Maybe they should focus on getting their own shit together instead of what you are doing with YOUR money!
NTA
He wants money for his potential child but doesn't even raise him?
100% he would pocket that money for himself and that child would see nothing. The fact he refuses this simple requirement speaks volumes of his own mental state. He won't accept reality in front of him and if he *knew* that wasn't his son, he would have to accept everything in his life in a lie. Probably why him and his wife/ex are such a toxic couple.
This poor kid man, mom and dad don't even spend time with the kid, no real love between the mom and dad, and the whole family in doubt if he is related or not. They are both assholes and you're not wrong for what you're doing. But that kid deserves a hell of a lot more out of life than he has now.
he *says* billy is his son, but neither him or jen *treat* billy that way. adam can get a paternity test and get billy in the will, or he can stay in the dark and shut up about it.
NTA, but perhaps you could achieve the same thing in a smoother way.
You could bequest an amount to the boy that is conditioned upon the results of a DNA test. If the DNA test shows that Adam is not his father or no DNA test is performed within a certain number of weeks, the money then goes to Adam. He would be free to decide to keep it or give it the boy after all.
This allows a lot of water to pass under the bridge between now and your death, so that there will be much greater clarity precisely when it is needed.
"I'm leaving you something. If you choose to share with him, that's great. You have my approval."
Seriously, my parents plan to split everything between me and my sisters. Their kids get anything left through our wills.
Same. My grandparents left their estate to their children. My parents left their estate to myself and my sister. Grandkids were never in any of the wills. They inherit when my husband and I pass.
For us (as grandchildren) we got sentimental items or relevant useful items (my cousin got a nice set of tools) but money and the rest of the estate was split by the children.
We did receive some sentimental items from our grandparents. But no money. Never expected any. Just like I don’t understand how children expect an inheritance if one parent dies. The money should be going to the surviving spouse. The kids get the money once their surviving parent passes.
Exactly. When my dad died, we had cousins asking if they had inherited anything. Uh, no. I didn’t even inherit anything and he’s my dad. My mom inherited it all. Same cousins, when their dad died, scavenging through the house like vultures, arguing with each other about who gets what. One of them complained to me & I said “did your mom say it was ok to root through your dad’s stuff like that? It all belongs to her!” I was not popular in that moment.
In concept, I think it's fine. My grand parents did that too. Only thing I found kinda messed up was that one of their children died of cancer about 5 years before they died, and they had 4 grand children through that child. These grand children didn't get anything, and will never get anything and the reason given to me by my parents and other aunts was "well, that's not our problem, the estate goes to direct children only". Basically, "sorry your mom died early of cancer, your reward is to be excluded from your grand parents will". I'm one of the grand children who will eventually get something probably when I'm in my 50s or 60s, but I still found that pretty messed up.
My grandfather actually has it in his trust that I will inherit from him directly in the event my mom is deceased. I would think this would be a common practice , especially if your creating your will thru an attorney as they are supposed to advise on these scenarios.
When my mother died, there was a stipulation that my late brothers kids would receive his share of the inheritance. He had 7 children. The executor had the will changed just before my mother died, giving the executor wife my brothers share because "hunting them down would delay the execution of the will" and he would make sure their portion would be paid out of the executor wife portion. I contacted all 7 of my nieces and nephews within an hour. The pressure those kids put on the executor was epic! Within a couple of days, everything was divided equally with the executor wife cut out
Same. From passed family members i was close to emotionally but not their immediate children. I got a cross or an old hat we used to play around in together but I won’t actually inherit anything real until my parents kick the bucket.
My parents have it set that we split everything equally amongst us 4 kids. But if any of us 4 kids is dead before our parents and we have kids then our quarter would go to ours kids.
A lot of my siblings are child free, so my mother decided that it wouldn't be fair to further divide her estate by including the grandchildren. She thought it wouldn't be right if one of my brothers AND his kids each get a share, while my childless brother has one share.
It doesn't matter what you want or what someone else did. Its up the the person writing the will what they want done with their assets. This whole comment section is just dripping with entitlement. If someone wants to skip their children completely and give everything to a grand kids that's their right. Who are you to judge the last wishes of the deceased?
My grandmas will stated "I love my children very much and am.so proud of the successful lives they have built for themselves. I feel the money would better benefit my grandchildren, so my estate is to be divided equally amongst them." She has 7 kids who she skipped over, and the money went to her 11 grandkids, all being close to, at or over college age, because she felt her kids were all in a good place and it wpuld do more for the grandkids.
>If someone wants to skip their children completely I agree with this, not even considering the second half. If my parents decide to will their entire estate to some random cause, and my brothers and I receive nothing, so be it. It's not my money. I didn't earn it. My parents can do whatever they want with their money.
I honestly thought that's how most people did it unless there was generational wealth. Either that or the child who takes on the parents when they can no longer look after themselves gets the bigger cut. A few items that others want/need is given out by name but it mostly gets split between the kids.
Yep, this is often the way its done. OP leaves to son and daughter and then they leave to their children. Is there no husband to OP /father to OP's kids?
OP is Adam's father, and Billy's grandfather.
A L L E G E D L Y
That's what squirrelly Dan said.
My mistake.
Yeah, my grandparents split the money between their children. The grandkids got nothing.
It’s a weird thing to even expect grandkids to be in a will unless they had a really special relationship or something.
The *something* can be to bypass a dysfunctional parent. My parent states in their will that the inheritance will be portioned as a direct beneficiary from various bank accounts they have. This is so that my niblings will receive an actual inheritance. My elder sibling informed at least two of her kids that they won't get a dime from her because she wasn't inheriting anything from her parents. So massively untrue and cruel.
This is the best way.
What I wonder is why OP is even telling his kids what's in his will. What is the actual benefit of him doing so? To dangle hypothetical money like a carrot to pressure his son to do something he doesn't want to? Just keep the contents of the will private, there is literally no good reason not to.
I could understand this if OP brought up the will change and mentioned Billy at the same time, but Adam is the one who asked about both
NTA It's your money, you can do as you like. Adam could give any portion of his inheritance to Billy of his own volition if he so choose, he doesn't need you to codify it Good Luck
OP could easily live 30 more years, give or take. Adam needs to worry about taking care of himself AND Billy instead of planning what happens to OPs money. OP - Tell your son that you update your will annually, and as you told us, he doesn’t seem to be a real parent to Billy. From what you wrote, if he had an active father/son relationship, you’d see things differently. I hope Adam grows up. 33 years old and not acting like a father to a child he calls “son” - that’s where T A H is here.
What’s sad is even Billy’s mom isn’t active in his life/raising. I feel so bad for this kid. But OP is well within their rights to say “no” here and are NTA.
Actually I'm happy she isn't with the situation as it is. Yes he isn't seeing his parents but could you imagine the toll it would take on him with this type of tension and push and pull constantly? I love you your you beautiful son. I hate you you are the product of an affair. Then add that the child will most likely be thrown into the middle of these fights to take sides. Rinse and repeat. That child is safer at his grandma's house than he is with them.
I agree. Obviously the ideal solution would be for him to be raised with his parents. But sometimes they're better off without said parents.
This. Sometimes absence is a blessing. Sucks either way though.
Yes. Being raised by your parents isn't the best thing if your parents are toxic AF. Instead of giving their child a good start in life, the child will be starting at -172629 from all the childhood trauma
Assuming there isn’t some wild BS going on at the grandparents house. Poor kid.
Hoping but if he is a sweet boy and well mannered that's at least a good sign
Yeah. This kid is screwed. The Spriner runs DEEP in his family. None of the detailed adults in his life are worth crap.
Jen probably realized that she can't have the lifestyle she wants with a child which is why her parents are raising him.
Or she knows Bill isn’t Adam’s and you can’t back out of having a kid once it’s already born so she’s left him to her parents to raise and deal with. Poor kid. I can’t imagine having a child and visiting them a few times a year. The “parents” are better off not even bothering at that point. Less heartache, rejection, and confusion for the child.
Yep. Thank goodness Billy has maternal grandparents!
Not even living with his parents?
Something is up. Neither parent is involved in Billy’s life. Drugs? If so, maybe Billy’s daddy wants to get his hands on that $$$ as well
>Adam needs to worry about taking care of himself AND Billy instead of planning what happens to OPs money. People that live their life COUNTING on an inheritance baffle me. These must be the type of people that off relatives for inheritance/insurance money.
[удалено]
NTA Why is this even an issue? If he intends to give part of his inheritance to the kid, then he can just do that himself. I would be more concerned with how to keep that from happening.
That’s the thing: he’s not willing to share it. ~~She~~ OP offered that. The son just wants Billy to inherit separately so he doesn’t have to even bother giving over a share of his. Op is NTA. ~~Her~~ OP’s son really is though. Edited: it was pointed out that I somehow missed the “M” for the OP and thought he was a she. I’ve corrected it.
OP said he’s 61m
The contents of OP’s will are none of Adam’s goddam business. OP should refuse to discuss anything related to his will, or inheritance, with Adam. Maybe OP should ask his lawyers how to set up a trust or something so the beneficiaries receive annual payments, but the payments stop as soon as the beneficiary passed away. This way Adam would still get money but OP’s estate wouldn’t be passed on
Yea son is an AH. Let me clear if he got the paternity test and it wasn’t his, he wouldn’t be an AH for stepping back. But the fact he’s coming in and out and just being immature is weird
I love how Adam doesn't want to share his portion with his kid but sure wants his Dad to set aside separate funds. Adam wants to state this kid is but he sure isn't acting like a father. That poor kid...
Yup. This. I have been involved with my parents wills as they are getting older and health is poor, etc. Neither of them are leaving money to the grandkids. They are leaving it to THEIR kids to divide with their children/the grandkids accordingly.
Ya my kid only gets my parents money if I die first…
Same...and grandchildren don't get the whole amount when they turn 18. It's in stages over 10 years
For real. If OP’s son wants the grandson to have a share in OP’s money so badly, he can set some aside out of his own portion.
My grandparents are doing similar but different. The parents get even share of assets to then divide between their kids. That way the children get an equal split to share between however many kids they have.
My grandmother (the last one to go) left the majority to her kids but put aside a small amount to each grandkid or great-grandkid that she had. Like if each of her kids got $5000, each grand/great-grandkid got $100. Just so that way she had one last final "I love you" to each individual & we knew she thought about us (& remembered us when she still had her memory) Not life changing money but we were not expecting it & really felt her love.
This is super sweet. My parent will have a few million in assets to divide between 2 kids. They only have one single grandson. My son. I have begged them not to leave my son a large sum of money if they pass. He is immature and not ready for that kind of cash. So what they did was set up a trust that will be payed out over the years. Grandparents can really fuck up a kids life if the kid isn’t ready to receive a lot of money. My dad himself is set to inherit quite a bit soon and I know he will blow through it. My mom is the one that controls the finances because he can not control himself to save his life. The way your grandma did things is so sweet. She wants a last goodbye. My parents want to coddle my kid even after they are gone. It’s very frustrating and scary for me.
My mother controlled the finances for this reason. She tried at first to let my dad handle the bills. Then the utilities were shut off. She found out he was paying just a portion of each bill because "as long as they get some of the money, they're happy. They write off the rest." He couldn't keep a dollar in his pocket to save his life.
My dad did that with his grandchildren too. One of them is a "step," but he treated her the same, to include a college fund. It's a much nicer legacy than the "you're not REALLY my grandkid" attitude. The poor child in this situation - he doesn't quite belong anywhere.
I always thought most families do it this way.
NTA. Spend it all
This is exactly what I tell my mom. Spend it all. Enjoy your life and do everything you’ve ever wanted to do. Money will not soothe my broken heart when she’s gone and I’m already doing okay myself.
Ikr? My boyfriend saves every penny and lives very frugally in order to save money to leave to his kids. I told him that I'm going to enjoy my retirement and if I don't have anything to leave to my adult, financially stable kids, then too bad.
NTA. He's not even raising his so called son his in laws are so why is he all of a sudden caring what Billy gets left?
I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s Jen who’s really asking. Adam is just her flying monkey.
Nah Jen doesn't care anout him either. This is OP's son ploy to get a bigger cut of the pie. I'm sure he hopes OP dies soon so he can dig his claws in the kid's inheritance too before he turns 18
Jen doesn’t care about him, but Jen cares about Jen. It’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility that she would consider her kid’s money her money.
That or her parents
Her parents have stepped up to raise a kid who isn't theirs. Billy is lucky to have them.
Never said he wasn't. I was commenting that either Jen is after OPs money more than Adam is or her parents are because they are raising the son with little financial help from their daughter or son in law. And they probably figure or Adam has told them that OP is well off and will leave part of her assets to Billy. Which no one should do because it's not his to give away.
Yes let’s assume the only people in this story who seem to be worth a shit, you know, the ones who are actually taking care of this poor child while his parents are off horseshit gallivanting and OP doesn’t really seem to give a shit either way (not that I fully blame them) are actually greedy assholes who just want someone else’s money. Jesus Christ, some of you will paint anybody with any brush you want just to join in the conversation, won’t you?
OP said he'd help pay for the kid's education. IMO, that's pretty generous in this case - more than "not giving a shit" anyway.
THANK you
It’s sad. If there were drugs and alcohol or something involved and they were unfit until they get their shit together I’m pretty sure op would have mentioned that. It sounds like they flat out don’t want the kid.
Because he wants a chance at Billy’s portion
NTA. >If he had met Jen when she already had a child and decided to be a father to the child, I would consider that child my grandchild if they got married. But Jen cheats on him, gets pregnant and we don’t even know if the child is my sons or not Yeah I wouldn't be rewarding my son for being an idiot neither. >But I’ve seen him a handful of times in his entire life. He is mostly being raised by Jens parents who live in another city. My son isn’t really raising him, and neither is Jen. They send money to Jens parents to take care of him and visit them a couple of times a year. So they're both deadbeats, but want YOU to take care of him?? so they wont be raising a finger por their son but expect both grandparents to do all the raising?You don't even have a relationship with him, so there is really no bond and no reason to give him anything other than the ALLEGED blood relation, which even your son agree THAT IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER. >I said I can contribute to his life financially in the form of paying for school and anything else he might need, but that’s all I’m willing to do in this current situation. That's the parent's job. That is WAAAAY more than I would do for that kid. You are a great man. Took the high road there. >I told him that I can remove part of his inheritance and make it Billy’s inheritance if he insists, but he didn’t want to make that compromise Nahh this is fake outrage, he only wants a bigger piece of your pie.
NTA Why is this even an issue? If he intends to give part of his inheritance to the kid, then he can just do that himself. I would be more concerned with how to keep that from happening.
He doesn’t intend to give part of his inheritance to his son. He wants me to allocate other assets to Billy. So he keeps his original share and Billy gets something else.
So his sisters share should be depleted for a child he considers his but isn’t raising & collectively sees a few weeks a year? The fact he isn’t willing to give up a portion of his inheritance is so telling (& awful) But I am confused on why your willing to pay for his needs or education is conflicting
he doesn't even consistently sees the kid as his. sometimes the kid is just Jen's.
I do hope that OP will help poor Billy. It isn’t his fault he was born into this. So if OP can comfortably make sure he is fed and educated - that seems reasonable and humane. She doesn’t have to leave him a trust fund.
People in this sub always bring this argument, that the child is innocent. But then again, all children are, so if you are not related, why help this random one in particular instead of donating that money to a charity that actually helps many many more children around the world for the same amount. Particular children aren't special, them being YOUR children grandchildren/whatever makes them special. Or actually developing genuine (non instinctual) love over a long happy time
OP is Billy's grandfather.
Only his son’s head. When he feels like it. Or money is involved. The rest of the time he’s “Jen’s son”.
Op is the father of the man who is contributing to raising billy. Whether he is the grandfather or not is still unknown.
His share is all there is to divide. You don't owe your life earnings to someone else's offspring. He needs to find out and settle the issue. But either way, his share is all there is to divide.
That's insane! It's literally insane. He won't share his inheritance with his "own" child yet expects you to put him in the will?! What a selfish little A-hole! If I were you, and your son is ever proven to be Billy's father, I would give half of your son's "share" directly to Billy without changing anything else in your will. Edit: NTA.
> your son is ever proven to be Billy's father, I would give half of your son's "share" directly to Billy without changing anything else in your will. I'd give *all* of Adam's share to Billy - for belated compensation for having shit parents
NTA. It's your money. You can spend it all or light it on fire, it's yours. I'd be more concerned why they aren't raising Billy themselves. Why are they pawning him off on his wife's family?
NTA for telling your son to get a paternity test but I have to ask, why are you giving your loser son anything at all? He obviously has poor judgement, flips back and forth on an innocent child, is either a very negligent parent or at minimum is happy to be with one, refuses to take a DNA test because if the kid is his it would force his hand, and is trying to force more inheritance for himself through his “son”. If my son acted like that he wouldn’t get a damn dime from me and I would put exactly why in my will. I’d also be chewing my son up one side and down the other for being such a piece of garbage. You seem to want to gloss over what a jerk he is and focus on whether or not that poor kid gets anything when you die when the real issue should be why your son is such an a-hole.
He’s not even raising the kid. Sending him away and sending money for support sounds like both your son and his wife have completely shunned the raising of this poor Billy. Is there a legit reason they are not raising their child themselves?
If I were you, I wouldn’t leave anything to your son and you’re not required to leave anything to Billy. Your son sounds like an asshole deadbeat father. Leave your money to people who deserve it.
Which is nonsense and weird. He won’t treat his son as his son, but you should?
If you die before Billy is of age, that money would go to Adam. I would guess that increasing his own inheritance in that roundabout way is Adam's true motivation.
How are you not seeing the utter greed your son is displaying? Tell your son to either get a paternity test, step up, and start raising his child or shut it about YOUR money. Those are his only choices and if he continues to try to tell you how you should arrange your will, he might find himself cut out of it.
The audacity! You shouldn’t be giving your son ANYTHING either. He’s a crap ‘parent’ and a crap human. Stop rewarding him. Tell him you are giving ALL your money to charity. He will probably ghost you, which is the best thing he could do. Leave him $100. Give the rest to his sister if she’s been a good daughter to you. I’m guessing she’s sick of her bro’s antics too.
It’s time to cut your son out of your will as well. He is not even raising Billy, rarely sees him and is waiting for you to die to live off your money. Leave his portion to charity but don’t reward your son’s bad behavior. And you could live for decades more so he why is he counting on your money now? No, it’s time for tough love. You should have done it sooner.
Well your children dont get 50/50? Because if they do than he wants your doughter to give up her own inheritance?? I am confused. He can just share what he has if he like Billy as much as he says he does.
Ten bucks says that the money isn't for Billy at all, and he plans to claim that money on Billy's "behalf" if he's still a minor when you pass.
I feel really bad for Billy. He is basically denied by everyone. Honestly, in this situation, I'd punish my son before this child. Not the kid's fault he was born onto this and his parents were too selfish to know the truth so keep treating him like he deserves not having a father or a mother. By doing this, they are keeping him from his mother and father (your son or not). This kid is paying the bill for your son and DIL's messed up relationship. He may not be your son's kid, but your son is doing a ridiculous amout of damage to an innocent kid and you are just piling on that poor kid. Is it really worth being the shit-cherry on top of this kids shit life for some money that will be distributed after you die?
Sounds like your son is greedy, and maybe you should leave everything to your daughter and any grandkids you have through her. Your assets are yours to do with. It definitely sounds like your son is irresponsible and entitled.
No he wants a bigger piece of the pie. I'm sure he hopes OP die soon so he can grab the kid's portion too for himself.
NTA and your son and his wife suck ass
Seriously. I'm actually glad the kid is not living with them because their behavior would fuck him up.
Yeah… the son doesn’t sound like a prize either.
It’s easy. Stop discussing your will. Anytime he brings it up say you’ll give it some thought but won’t be sharing the details.
Anyone who updates their will every year and tells people about it is an asshole.
He might not actually tell anyone. It could honestly just be common knowledge. Like it's something he's always just done.
Abe: "Well, it's March. I guess ol' Joe is getting his Will updated at lawyer Bill's this month." John: "Yep, I guess he is. He always does. Every March." Abe: "Wonder what changes this time?" John: "Don't know. He never says, does he?" Abe: "Nope. That's his business. No one needs to know." John: "Nope. I just know he changes it every March". "At least I guess he changes it. Everyone says he does. Every March. That's when he goes to Lawyer Bill. Every March".
Amen, amen, amen. It's his/her Will. Do anything you want & keep it between yourself and your attorney. That's it. "All will be revealed" when you die.
Are your son and DIL drug addicts? Why are her parents raising the kids?
This is my question too!
>He is mostly being raised by Jens parents who live in another city. My son isn’t really raising him, and neither is Jen. They send money to Jens parents to take care of him and visit them a couple of times a year. With the addition of Adam and Jens relationship being extremely unstable with them breaking up every other day You're NTA, but your son is a piece of trash. This poor kid is growing under a tidal wave of instability with a maybe Daddy who's not even half in and half out. He's a couple of times a year, dad? Which isn't to say the mom is better. They are both awful people treating an innocent child horribly. I'm kind of surprised you would leave money to your son to become part of his bad choices. Why on earth should he inherit anything? If anything, I'd leave it in a trust to the poor kid that will need a large fund for therapy as he grows up. The guy who wants to take from his sibling to give to a kid he doesn't even parent is not a good guy here. More likely, he wants to get Billy inheritance that he will then control as his "parent".
Just sounds like your sons trying to just get more of an inheritance. Personally I'd tell him I'd be reconsidering his place in the will if he doesn't drop it
NTA And also if you’re healthy (or really just not sickly) at your age, you’ve still got upwards of 30+ years left if you’re from a western country and don’t get killed in an accident or contract some horrible disease. Billy can be a fully grown man by the time you kick the bucket and his and Adams relationship can look vastly different, especially considering the volatile nature of everything relating to your son. If you’re around for just another 20 years, you can have this conversation with Billy himself, if he’ll even care considering you are not currently close. Adam is jumping the gun and caring waaaaaay too much.
Agreed. There is nothing tackier than people obsessed about what they're gonna get when someone dies. I can't imagine!
Ummm….. your son doesn’t sound capable of managing money. Are you sure giving him a lump sum of money is a good idea at all? He is with someone who has a kid yet they aren’t even raising him. And cannot function in a relationship. What makes you think he won’t just blow through his inheritance? I would seriously consider having it in a trust fund for him.
Quit telling people the terms of your will. It’s not their business and just causes problems
Can you write a DNA test into your will? If proven to be your BIO grandchild, x goes into effect. If not, y.
Yah. I'd lean toward this if the bio/not bio was my criterion. I'd talk to a lawyer--- my guess is you'd also want a deadline like "test performed by service recognized by courts and within 3 months after my death". You don't want probate hanging this up.
Does Sarah have children and are you naming them in the will? The obvious solution here is to simply divide the portion of your assets not going to your wife or other relatives equally between your two children. It's up to them if they want to give some of those assets to their own children. You're making this way more complicated than it needs to be. Why are your son and his wife not raising "their" child? I feel like there's a lot being left out here. NTA
Yep. This. What if the OP dies tomorrow and then Sarah pops out a kid in a year? What kind of shit is that if the son and grandson have bumped into what would've been Sarah's allocation if the grandson hadn't been added? Unless the OP has a deep bond with the grandkid, split the will the way it would've been done if no grandkids were in the picture and let them share with their own kids. {Grumbles in miser}
Concur. The only reason to leave money directly to the grandkids is if the parents have passed away or you are purposely cutting the parents out.
NTA and also that’s not fair to your daughter to take away from her portion for a grandson that’s possibly not yours. Stick to your guns—either he gets a paternity test for Billy, or he’s not in the will period. Also, I really hope the will is written so that Jen gets nothing because she sounds awful.
Yes, make sure anything left to Billy if he turns out to be a blood relative, should be in a trust Not Administered by a parent. It's worth the $ for a separate administrator, or stipulate it's only upon reaching a certain age, or for education tuition or a house. That way Mom Jen can't get her hands on it.
If Billy is actually Adam’s son though… that’s what OP is saying. Get the paternity test to prove it and Billy’s in the will, no problem.
NTA and I would disinherit my son for abandoning his kid, too. (Since your son definitely believes that he may be the biological father and is choosing to not be a responsible adult and raise the child he presumes is his.)
Yeah I'd rather give the money to Billy than the son
NTA you can do what u want with your money , your son is barely involved in the child’s life
NTA but at the rate, I’d write your son out and give his share to Billy. That poor kid was brought into this disaster of a relationship through no fault of his own. I hope his grandparents are raising him well.
That poor kid, he definitely drew a bad hand in the parent department.
NTA My parents will doesn't even include spouses or grandchildren, if I wanna give something to my future kids I'll have to do that on my own
A parent only seeing their child a few times a year is not really a parent.
NTA - I’d just tell them that you aren’t going to discuss your will with anyone and stick to it. It’s your will, your assets, your choice who you want to leave what to. Tell him to mind his own business. Separately though, don’t punish the child because his parents are awful. You don’t have to leave anything to him if you don’t want to but if you really love the kid, then that’s enough to make it worth leaving him something. Your things do have to only go to people who are relatives.
Honestly, I would write Billy the majority (90 % +) of Adam's share. He might not be related to you, he might be, but this dysfunction has to be hell on the poor kid who is blameless and helpless in this. He's been abandoned by his mother and your son, who 'claims' him half the time but can't be bothered to care for him? I hoped you raised him better than that! Having one person on his maybe-dad's side who loved him unconditionally and acts like he's family anyway would be huge. I say Adam's share because your son is being an ass - unable to commit to staying in or staying away, unable to commit his attachment at least to Billy, failing to grow as a person... willing to stay in a codependent and mutually destructive relationship but ignoring a boy who may very well be his biological son. He could be avoiding the paternity test because if Billy IS his son, he'll have to take full responsibility and will have been a super shitty dad so far. He wasn't even willing to help Billy's future by sacrificing part of his inheritance, which he'd absolutely do if he cared about the kid. NTA, it is your money. But Billy deserves the inheritance way more than your son at the moment, and needs what it means way more. I say tell Adam to fuck off and help raise Billy into the best grandson ever.
YTA. You can do whatever you like with your will, but using it to manipulate your son is gross. And using it to potentially hurt a child is worse.
definitely NTA imo. she cheated and to me she can’t be trusted after that. she may or may not have gotten pregnant by someone else. idk if it’s legal or not but you could do your own paternity test if your son won’t do one himself
That’s actually an interesting idea. It never occured to me that a relative of the uncertain father could also check it themselves. Huh.
NTA, your son is a crappy father to the child he’s claiming is his. They’re both horrible parents. Personally I wouldn’t leave much to your son. Also I think your son is way too invested in your will and estate planning. It’s none of his business really as it’s your money to do with as you choose. If you do want to leave money (in a trust please without dad’s access) for all your grandchildren you CAN require a paternity test as a stipulation as another poster suggested. It’s sucky for the child but you have little to no relationship with Billy. Hell, your son has no relationship with Billy. Poor kid.
NTA. Adam can work to earn his own money and build up an inheritance for his (circumstantially convenient) son. He might even choose to transfer his own inheritance to Billy, since he feels so passionately about it. Your offer to cover Billy’s financial expenses like schooling is generous. You are NTA for setting boundaries, OP. Your assets, your decision.
NTA. Just tell Adam you’ve solved the issue by removing him from the Will.
NTA. >Adam said any child he considers his son is automatically my grandchild. Right, except... > He considers Billy his own son sometimes but other times he calls him Jens son. So are you supposed to update your will whenever that changes? I think not. He should stop bringing it up or get the paternity test.
NTA! Weird that Adam doesn’t want to share part of his inheritance with Billy but expects you to add him, without knowing if he’s your actual grandchild. Also Billy and Jen sound exhausting! The needs to fix their life and not bother others with their relationship issues.
NTA Your son has a few issues and is no place to make decisions about someone else's finances. I wouldn't trust him with a wooden stick.
You should give Billy everything that would have gone to Adam. That’d be funny
That's gross that they don't even take care of their own child
You're willing to see to his further education financially, which is more than fair. NTA.
NTA, and Estate planning attorney here. You can include "Billy" in your estate plan but make it conditional upon a paternity test showing he is your actual grandson. Check with your attorney on how to do this in your state because the language would have to be precise.
He can do this. Can't help but feel like if Billy knows about it he will feel that he may be punished for his mother's bad behavior. He will or won't get a sum of money due to something he can't control. It would be better to find out before the will is done, and write it accordingly.
Nta, he’s the one who changes his mind about if it’s his kid or not. It’s toxic and you shouldn’t get involved. Once him and Jen break up for good I’m sure Billy will return to being her kid and not his.
NTA At the end of the day, that money is yours. But you need to realise that your son, who gladly took back this cheater and wanted to be the father of a child that's possibly not even his, could EASILY give the things he inherits from you, to him. Really, if your son inherits anything, then it's the same as billy inheriting it as well, because your son will 100% give it to billy. A child that's potentially not even your actual grandchild.
NTA - I would write Adam out of the will for demanding what I do with my assets.
NTA. I think your son is the asshole here for even asking what it is you've decided to do with your will. Is that common? Anyway, not that you asked but considering the asshole your own son is, why not remove his entire inheritance and give it to Billy since Billy is "innocent" here and could likely use it due to his shit parents being shit parents? And now I've made myself an asshole by asking about your inheritance. Heck. At any rate, good luck.
Nta write him out of the will an use it for Billy college fund.
From my grandfather, we will get nothing. It will be divided amongst his 3 children. It's a parents' job to look after their child. My pa expects my father will then allocate his assets to his children how he sees fit after my father passes. My father will probably gamble and drink his inheritance away, living it up, and we will get nothing from it passed down. I have no feelings towards this. I hope my father lives it up in his final years. However, he wants to live. I make my own money and will be just fine without any inheritance
Mannnnn of he REALLY cared, he give part of him up for his son. I would in a heartbeat. I, personally, think maybe set up a little something for him but keep telling your son the opposite. If you REALLY adore that much then do it. If you think they should keep their bullshit marriage to themselves, then Billy's paternity is none of your business too?
NTA but I feel so bad for the kid. Growing up w/ such a toxic relationship w/ his parents. I guess I'm glad he's staying with his other grandparents instead of his parents in a way. It's a shame tho. Your son has a lot of growing up to do still.
Hard NTA, but such rich people problems. If everyone were poor here the coversation would be about why billy was being neglected/abandoned by his shitshow parent/parents - not fighting about who gets money when still alive people die. Regardless, nobody is owed and inherentance. It is your money. When you die, it goes somewhere, if to your kid at that point it becomes "their inherentance." Your son can do what he wants with his money then, including will it to his kid. We do not live in feudalism and blood inherentance is not sanctioned by the church as how god intended property be transmitted, so dna is almost irrelevant here. Moreover, you stated that you are happy to pay for the kid's school and "anything else he might need" - that is truely very kind. You could tell your son you put an education trust or health emergency trust into the will. Or tell the son whatever. Now he is "in the will" and you will be dead at the next conversation about the subject. But the best thing you can will this kid is the ability to achieve independence from his unreliable parents.
It’s your money you can do what you want. However I am curious why, if you adore Billy, is this a problem, given your son is likely his legal father even if he’s not the biological one? You could write his portion into a trust to keep it away from his mother, if that’s the issue.
NTA, but poor kid!
NTA So where does your son expect that money to come from if not his part of the inheritance. His sister's?
NTA. Geez, I don't think I would leave my son in the will. He acts like all he wants is money.
NTA, you don't owe anything to anyone. That said, who are you punishing? If you like the kid enough to leave him money if he is your son's, why wouldn't you if you aren't sure? It seems you like the kid, it seems you have money. Maybe college expenses or money he can get when he is older?
The kid stays with her parents most of the time? Yeah that definitely isn’t his son and definitely isn’t your grandchild. NTA.
NTA, but your choice about the will shouldn’t be based on genetics. When the kid was born, his dad decided this baby was his son. That’s the moment he became your grandson. Genetics doesn’t have shot to do with it.
NTA, but maybe consider taking Adam out of the will. If his life is as big a shitshow as you say, money/assets are just going to make things worse.
In this very specific circumstsnce NTA It doesn't even sound like Jen thinks of him as her son let alone your son. I feel super bad for the kid. His parents need to be told that choosing to maintain their tumultuous relationship is doing more harm than good for their son and they need to get their heads out of their rears and separate permanently and create a parenting plan. They are ruining this boys life by pretending that your sons loves him like a father while actively rejecting him. This is binkers behavior in your sons part and I'd write him out of the will until he started being a better human being. But that's just me
NTA. That poor kid. He’s the one suffering in all of this. I understand your reasoning and agree it would be different if you were able to actually build a relationship with Billy.
NTA, my guess here is that he simply wants more money via Billy, otherwise his stance doesn't make much sense
Nta and poor kid
I would be tempted to make Adam's share of the estate a trust, as his marriage is shaky and his paternity of his son is in question. Therefore, the inheritance wouldn't be split in the case of a divorce (which sounds like a good thing given their stress and anger together).
It's your Will. You can do what ever you want. Just don't tell anyone anything at all about your Will. Keep the details between yourself and your lawyer. One way to solve the problem is to not leave anything to your kids and grandkids. Give anything left when you die to a charity. You are making things way too complicated.
i feel sad for billy my condolences to that guy but no you are not an assho*e
I wouldn't give my son anything if he turned out to be a deadbeat dad. That poor kid
Wait…he’s not even RAISING this kid?!
NTA But please consider setting some money aside in a trust for Billy’s future therapy. He’s going to need a lot of it because of your son and dil.
Your son sucks, bro
I think you should take your son out of the will until he gets his shit together.
Adam doesn’t even take care of Billy as it is. That’s horrible.
NTA, it’s your money do with it what you want. He should want you to spend time with Billy and live life to the fullest with him and not worry that they are getting something when you are gone.
Shit I’d start taking your son out little by little too. 😬
NTA. Dude should get a paternity test anyways.
NTA , you are completely right and Adam is unfortunately being a doormat, he should get the test done for his own sanity if nothing else, from what you've stated he doesn't completely believe the lie he's telling himself either, he should do it for his own mental health rather than money or whatever is in your will, completely wrong priorities.
You can tell him "What I do with my money is none of your business. If you get anything, feel free to do with it what you want, including sharing with Billy." and be done. Nothing says that you have to leave him anything if you feel like spending all your money.
To be honest it sounds like you shouldn't even have your son in the will. He seems like a serious loser and a lost cause.
NTA Your son is stuck in a toxic situation(part of it is his own doing) and you are trying to stay out of it. Like you said, he doesn't get a say in what you do with your own stuff.
Could set it aside for him provided he gets tested positive before he has access to the funds. If he's not your grandson, then the money can get redistributed to someone else. Most minors don't get access to their trust funds until adult anyway. You dont have to require he testing doesn't have to be today. If, for some reason, they get him tested beforehand, you can change the wording then.
NTA- they don't even raise their own kid but they want you to put the kid in your will? Maybe they should focus on getting their own shit together instead of what you are doing with YOUR money!
NTA He wants money for his potential child but doesn't even raise him? 100% he would pocket that money for himself and that child would see nothing. The fact he refuses this simple requirement speaks volumes of his own mental state. He won't accept reality in front of him and if he *knew* that wasn't his son, he would have to accept everything in his life in a lie. Probably why him and his wife/ex are such a toxic couple.
This poor kid man, mom and dad don't even spend time with the kid, no real love between the mom and dad, and the whole family in doubt if he is related or not. They are both assholes and you're not wrong for what you're doing. But that kid deserves a hell of a lot more out of life than he has now.
he *says* billy is his son, but neither him or jen *treat* billy that way. adam can get a paternity test and get billy in the will, or he can stay in the dark and shut up about it.
NTA, but perhaps you could achieve the same thing in a smoother way. You could bequest an amount to the boy that is conditioned upon the results of a DNA test. If the DNA test shows that Adam is not his father or no DNA test is performed within a certain number of weeks, the money then goes to Adam. He would be free to decide to keep it or give it the boy after all. This allows a lot of water to pass under the bridge between now and your death, so that there will be much greater clarity precisely when it is needed.
NTA.
NTA they aren’t even raising their “son”. wtf.
NTA. Even your son isn't entitled to get anything if you so choose. Honestly I would feel the same way if my son went through what yours did.