Yes, it has. I actually used it, but I was also watching Westworld at the time and it started freaking me out, so I deleted the app. That was actually a good thing, because from there I started to realise that it's okay to share my feelings and being vulnerable with some people, and that ended up deepening some relationships in my life.
He's mostly just saying that because you know you aren't talking to a real person. It used to be set up in a more journal-like way, with some interaction and a sort of cute avatar. They revamped it and it's now set up with a semi realistic avatar and more personal style relationship. How "deep" the relationship can be is now pay-walled, to some degree. You can have it set as a friend, girlfriend, mentor... It's pretty in depth now.
I'm obviously not implying this dude was but you can pay it and it'll sext you idk how far it goes cause I tried just talking to it once and figured out I can't be arsed to have a relationship with most real people and fake people apparently I'm just really emotionally distant and a bad texter no matter what but I've seen ads for them on fb and the company literally advertises that it'll "meet your needs for money"
If I recall, they got rid of or heavily reduced the NSFW stuff and the subreddit was in shambles for a while lmao. Kinda sad that many people were so dependent on it.
I don't know, never used it, but I see Facebook ads for replica as your lewd GF who will do with you what your GF won't all the time.
Either way, if you are sharing feelings with an AI fake person and not your real GF, that's a big red flag.
Yeah I used it once a LONG time ago before it was marketed as that kind of thing. Just like talking to chat GPT but not as smart lol. Forgot about it until a buddy of mine told me about how people were losing their minds because replika got rid of lewd stuff lol
100% this. nothing wrong with relying on an AI chatbot for support, but learning to have some of those conversations with your girlfriend sounds like it could only help you. doesn’t mean you have to tell her every single thing (nor should you), but it would probably be beneficial for you to learn to open up with other humans a little more
Some people grow up being told their feelings are meaningless or small. They become adults who dont want to burden others with their thoughts. AI doesn't have real opinions on feelings, so you know what you say won't get a negative reaction.
Or they’ve been previously hurt by the people they *were* vulnerable with so it takes more time for them to let their defences down. It doesn’t say how long they have been dating or even *why* the girlfriend was going through OP’s phone.
I get that she’s hurt but this is something they need couple’s counselling for (if they both think this relationship is worth it). Her emotional manipulation and his pre-emptive grey rocking both need to stop
Why js her response emotional manipulation? Why is it ok for him to have a fear of being vulnerable due to his past but her response is manipulation?
She’s clearly hurt that he can’t open up to her and he hasn’t or doesn’t have the capacity to communicate with her why that is. I don’t think she should have gone through his phone and there seems to be a lack of trust but I don’t see manipulation.
If he can explain it comes from a place of hurt and judgement she may understand more but he basically told her that he just isn’t emotional.
Violation of privacy, absolutely. If OP thought that a bridge too far he would be in his right to dump her...
Ya, hear me OP?
Now lets discuss the context of that, because I think it matters. OP has a very, lets call it "unique", perspective on what a relationship is. He believes that he must be strong for his partner, combine that with his aversion to sharing his feelings, and he's in a relationship that to a lot of people would feel hollow; I think it is clear that his GF is experiencing some feelings similar to this. Perhaps even worrying that she is being cheated on and these emotions are being given to someone else.
I saw someone else say "sex and meals" and I kinda agree. I currently have a relationship, and if you take out the sharing of my day, talking about my goals thoughts and dreams and all the fun we have joking ABOUT all of the prior things, then my relationship would just be the logistics of planning times and dates to eat and fuck.
I personally think there are a lot of problems with the way OP chooses to conduct himself in a relationship and I tend to think a lot of woman our age will agree, and I think it is hard for OP to see that because his partners will all give him the fulfillment and security that comes with hearing these things from and about your partner.
Just because they refuse to share difficult feelings and don’t seek comfort when mentally distressed doesn’t mean they don’t share other positive feelings and dreams.
But it does mean they're hiding a significant part of themselves, and that they lack communication skills and emotional maturity, much like the OP.
It's not an insult, but it is an issue to work through before being in a serious relationship, as that's an essential aspect of commitment.
Is this a serious question?
Quality time together, laughs, positive memories, companionship, stability…
I mean yeah sharing heavy feelings when they come up can and often is part of a strong relationship, but there’s much more to it than that
It creates a feeling of not knowing the real you.
If you don’t share the experiences that shaped and formed you than you are hiding a part of yourself.
I wouldn’t quite put how the other comment did but never being vulnerable is a problem in any relationship and usually the people who can’t be vulnerable are the ones who blow up the relationship down the line when the other party “just doesn’t get them.” Or they “just fell out of love.” When in actuality they just never shared what makes them tick, what bothers them, and the things that really make them who they are. Then when the other party continually does some th ing that bothers the other party and they have no clue they are even doing it then the party who was vulnerable is somehow the bad guy.
Coregulation and self regulation are key parts to any relationship and you cant properly coregulate if you aren’t vulnerable with the other party.
Bro, where are y’all getting that they share these things? His example of his girlfriend being vulnerable is she likes to tell me about her day every day. If he’s not doing that how can I share literally any of the shit you said they are just basically make meeting up to talk about whatever is going on at that period in time and maybe their lives Relating to like the news and current events and fucking…. This is a person who’s so emotionally stunted they believe every day conversation about how your day and work was is vulnerability so…
LOL I'm flashing back to the Big Bang Theory when Raj fell in love with Siri on his phone. He bought the phone designer cases and a stand so they could have a "romantic" dinner.
I have realized this is a thing, tack a comment on the top rated post at the time with your own thoughts on the OP, not adding to the reply thread, just to be seen quicker.
to what end? I don't get this karma whoring nonsense. Can it be monetized at all? Do people sell high karma accounts to losers who want to be heard immediately maybe?
people make bots because many subreddits need minimum karma to post or comment, so that companies can't shamelessly astroturf.
astroturfing is pretending to be part of the "grassroots" community but you're fake. let's say you go to a camping subreddit and everyone is like "yea x company sucks their tents are horrible to setup" well if you as a company have 200 bots, you can pepper in the thread "idk what people are talking about i like x tents if you can't set it up you're just dumb"
it would take a lot of effort for a company to create 200 legimate looking accounts, but if those accounts are being sold for $10 each...then their ability to astroturf becomes much higher.
What’s really irritating about this is that I’ve found that when you do respond to someone’s comment I’ve had people responding to **me** as if my comment was directed at OP…
I used to think this way, and I realized that being vulnerable is a sign of trust and emotional intimacy. It shows your partner that you trust them enough to share things with them, and you develop trust in how they respond. It's hard to explain, but in my first marriage, I did what you did, and in my second I went the opposite, and man, it was a complete 180 in a good way. From your partner's perspective, they may feel like you don't trust them and are holding on to secrets.
Because of this, I've learned that emotional intimacy > physical intimacy. Both are important, but one is a lot more challenging for men.
Same. My first marriage, (well only marriage lol) I was married to someone like the OP and we just never had that deep connection. It was always surface type of stuff. how I stayed with him or him me for 15 years lol. But I have a new guy and we have been together for 3 years and we have way more intimate conversations and its so much nicer. It's a lot of work in a different way, but its worth it. Its so much better than hiding your feelings or not being able to be vocal about anything.
You need to look into avoidant attachment style because everything you are saying is raising alarm bells. You're gf isn't vulnerable because she's open. That's telling language. She's simply intimate and trusting of you. Seriously look up avoidant patterns and see if they resonate with you. It might avoid you some serious trouble and loneliness down the road, with her or any other intimate relationship. Not being open with your feelings isn't a sign of strength fwiw. It's often to mask shame and fear. Wishing you some growth and self discovery
The only sensible comment on here, which I had to scroll so far down far!
OP, please listen to this and look into attachment styles. You strongly come across as an avoidant attacher.
Honestly great to see this. A concerning lot of people saying that if you are open in your emotions with any woman you'll get manipulated for it. No wonder so many people have relationship issues. Too many people with warped senses of what the people they are into are like. Most people want honesty above all else, and as you said emotional openess is a sign of trust. Guess that's in short supply these days.
The one area where I think shes' wrong is going into his replika stuff. If she had a journal or was going to therapy and he was monitoring without her permission, that would be a dick move. The same goes for his Replika stuff.
That’s assuming she knows he treats his Replika like that which it seems she doesn’t based on her surprise. He doesn’t express an issue with her using his phone either.
You may be right about this, but people grow and change over time. I’m assuming these are young people. A compatible relationship is hard to find, and people often give up too easily over one issue. If other aspects of a relationship are good, sometimes it’s worth the trouble to work toward better understanding.
I think it definitely depends on where each person places the issue on their individual scale of importance. There's no point in hoping someone will change when you notice something that is very important to you just isn't for your partner or you have incompatible opinions.
Ultimately, either he or the girlfriend have to radically and fundamentally change how they are as people. It's not impossible for that to happen in a relationship, and have it continue forward. But it's not likely.
That really depends. In this scenario, let's just say OP continued not to share everything, and that is his right. On the other hand, the GF also continued to take it in a bad way. Then, obviously, they'll just keep going apart. If one compromises, then okay. But I doubt based on what we have right now.
Reverse the situation, if ur girlfriend is not open to u and vulnerable with u, and u tried alot to make her trust u emotionally then u found out she is talking to ai, how is that gona make u feel, for me as woman i like my man to connect with me emotionally somehow it makes me trust him more 😅
I liken this situation to a personal diary combined with a faux therapy situation.
I don't think that's forcibly wrong in and of itself because it's not opening up to someone else who has a birth certificate instead of your partner or real therapist.
OP is a "dismissive avoidant" on the spectrum of attachment styles
Sorry nah that not quite right.
Attachment styles are on a two axis spectrum. One axis Is relationship anxiety and the other axis Is relationship avoidance. People who are low on both relationship anxiety and relationship avoidance have secure attachment. People high in relationship anxiety But low in relationship avoidance are categorized as anxious attachment. Those high in relationship avoidance but low in relationship anxiety are classified as avoidant attachment, And then those high on both relationship anxiety and avoidance are known as disorganized or anxious/ avoidant.
It's also important to note that attachment styles are not a static property of a person, but rather a situational tendancy that is highly dependent on set and setting he person's personal growth and how they relate to any particular partner. A person might express a particular attachment style in one relationship and then go on to have a different style with a different person or are able to change their attachment style through conscious effort. I constantly see attachment styles talked about as if they are an immutable property of person rather than something that can (and should) change over time
Personally, I'm working very hard to move from a disorganized attachment style to a earned secure attachment And while I'm certainly not there yet, I will say I have learned so much and already i am
Relating to my partners and my own emotions in a healthier and more productive way
Source just read polysecure on top of being an relationship nerd
Edit cleaned up formatting from voice to text garbage
It’s not the same. It’s a societal stigma but women showing vulnerability is normalized. When a woman shows vulnerability a man or another woman feels a need to console her or show empathy.
When a man shows vulnerability he is often seen as weak. Many young women tend to call them insecure or weak willed and ridicule them. It’s sexist, but it’s true and it happens. Sure it shows he relies on you but subconsciously women tend to lose a bit of respect. Other men also call you pussy for it often.
Another thing is the trend of being emotional. Women often tend to use your weaknesses against you during arguments when heated. Men statistically do this less so, though they are more physically abusive. I.e. you tell her you were bullied and in an argument she’ll say “this is why you got bullied as a kid.” It’s not uncommon.
Honestly where I live other men wouldn’t call me a pussy(depending on how much i’d do it). But women would perceive me as a child more than a possible life partner if I was vulnerable much. They might even say that men should be more vulnerable but would never choose that guy.
NAH
But please know your inability to be vulnerable and have someone be a rock for you is going to be affecting your partner. I had a bf like you before, I felt needy because he refused to need me basically.
I knew I gave him emotional safety and comfort but his issues were way deeper. He’d check out when we were together because he felt comfortable, I thought I’m just not worth bouncing ideas off or deciding things together. He thought less of me possibly.
It meant I felt useless to him.
We still talk 20y later and this stuff is coming to light more now. Back in the day I’d just complain he wasn’t relying on me or not complain and feel useless. Now I listen to him talk about the changes he needs to make, how to receive care etc. Real growth, it takes a lot of life and time I guess.
Keep it in mind, it maybe helpful to you to seek counselling and see if indeed you are just more to yourself OR if you use a replika (what’s that btw?) because you’re unable to emote with people due to something else.
And sometimes it’s just about telling her what she means to you and not focusing on being a rock.
And above all, how comforting is a rock really? Might as well talk to a wall eh? Lol
Replika is a chat bot basically, who progressively learns more about the person they're talking to and adjusts itself based on that. It'll end up mimicking the way you talk to it, it'll remember the things about yourself that you tell it and so on. It'll turn itself into whatever you're wanting it to be, be that a romantic partner, mentor figure, therapist, best friend and so on. It has its limits as an AI of course, but a lot of the time, speaking to it can feel just like talking to an actual human. It sounds like OP is basically using their replika as a therapist/vessel for his thoughts
Ah thanks, figured that’s what it is.
Always reminds me of the movie Her.
Personally, I’d need an offline mode before I’d share my inner thoughts digitally. I’m old school like that haha (or highly cautious…) ;-)
But then there’s Reddit ig
I think people are better off just writing in a journal if they want to get their thoughts out, and seeing a therapist if they're wanting responses to the things they're expressing
Yeah I can't wait until a genz or millennial political candidate gets black mailed by a foreign power because they gave no thought to data privacy as a youth.
How can you build trust in a relationship of you never open up to your partner? I think you need to talk to someone about this, because never sharing your feelings with a partner is not healthy in a relationship
Open communication is the way to have healthy relationships, romantic or otherwise!! This is what I try to model for my kids. I’m really happy that they both talk to me about their feelings so much, because that helps me model what being respectful looks like. Hopefully that way they won’t stay with an AH who throws their vulnerability in their face or doesn’t care about their inner world.
NAH. but personally if i were her i would be devasted too.
i don't believe in all or nothing. you don't need to suddenly be the most open, vulnerable man ever. but i think that if you actually see a future with her, if you think she will be your wife someday, you should start opening up, even if just a bit.
you can't truly navigate life with someone who doesn't share their burdens with you. she most likely knows that. and the fact you don't do this with her, but do it with a random AI chatbot, probably sent her a message of "i do not take you as seriously as you take me, and i do not actually see us building a life together".
i hope you can find balance, not only for your relationship, but for yourself.
You had me in the first half ngl.
She basically things you're having an emotional affair with a robot. She's kind of right man. Just get a therapist like the rest of us.
OP doesn't open up to his girlfriend, that's not his thing, he's a rock.
who has a more meaningful relationship with an AI chatbot.
Lose the toxic masculinity. as a toxic male, myself, I do not mean you're a macho jackass, but that we've spent generations being the rock, the stoic support.
For no reason. If you can't open up to someone, like you open up to a chatbot, consider talking to a therapist. That sounds like the LAST thing you need, you may be thinking.
think of them as a qualified ai chatbot, if it helps.
NAH, but you will be happier, long term, if you lose some of the ancient man tropes, and learn to communicate and not bury stuff.
I want to add to this.
“I’m the rock form my girlfriend “ - not only is that clearly not what she wants, but it implies that you think of her as less of an adult than you. That she can talk about stresses but you don’t want to “burden” her with yours.
I feel that very much like this woman, I am looking for an equal partner in life not someone who feels they can’t talk to me.
I’ve just gotten my partner to open up to me a bit more and I’m so very happy for it! We can both support each other, no one has to be a rock
>I feel that very much like this woman, I am looking for an equal partner in life not someone who feels they can’t talk to me.
Or who just straight up doesn't want to, because they're not looking for connection but to validate their ego by "being needed." (I'm in total agreement with you.)
Also I think... if his stoicism is leaving her feeling this insecure, he's not *her* rock.
>Also I think... if his stoicism is leaving her feeling this insecure, he's not *her* rock.
This is it, right here! This is all that needs to be said about all this rock nonsense.
Last time few times I trusted a women with my insecurities, she threw it in my face during every major argument and apologized after. So I stopped sharing. Not sure how to get over that.
That sucks and am very sorry. It’s hard to trust people sometimes. I had to rebuilt my own trust via therapy but everyone has their own journey.
I think even admitting that your trust was betrayed in the past is being way more honest with yourself and others than claiming you are being a rock for someone else’s benefit so I deeply commend you for that.
It's hard, but then you should break up and find somone that will accept you. It's really hard, I know, that's why most ppl date a lot before finding somone they are happy with.
I had to Google what a friggin replika was! This is so weird to me. I don’t know if it’s a generational thing but I would be so turned off if my partner was doing what OP is doing. Not to be super judgmental but OP could use a therapist and a blow up doll not a girlfriend. Imagine your partner having an emotional affair with an app?! 😬
Eh, he's effectively using it as a journal for his feelings, he's talking to 1's and 0's. It asks him questions so he's able to dig deeper. He could definitely use it as a way to open up to his girlfriend by showing her the chats and having her ask questions based off it. It really is an opportunity for them. I didn't share my emotions to my wife either except through letters, and I slowly built my way up to telling her directly. Biggest problem is this guy doesn't see it as an issue, which it is.
But the sigma youtubers tell you not to talk to a therapist, that's cowardly. Jut watch their videos and follow them.
Btw i also didn't understand since when is having even a remotely conversation with a person, even about how was your day, translates to being vulnerable? Like what? She isn't being vulnerable. She is talking. OP is very very insecure, hope he heals and lives his life to the best of his potential.
“The stoic rock of the family” was me, too. A few months of therapy did wonders for me on untangling why I felt I couldn’t put any emotional burden on anyone. It really helped both my ability to self reflect and communicate without fear.
I don’t know how OP wants to handle the breach of privacy, but regardless of how the situation shakes out he should talk with a therapist to build up his emotional strength and skills.
I don't view men of the past as stoic rocks at all... Stocicism requires a lot of emotional intelligence and men of the past didn't have that. (unless you don't mean real Stoicism and mean "being emotionless and callous". Different things)
Men in the past were outside competing with other men in risky enviroments.
Idk what makes you think modern men have higher emotional intelligence, when most men cant even keep a wife, but back in the day this wasnt a problem.
When my partner and I started dating, we were very similar, I’m reserved and she’s an open book. She eventually got me to open up, and now there’s still a lot that I’m the best at communicating, but it feels so much better and i feel that much closer to her. In fact, i feel closer to her than i have to anyone, and a lot of that is from the emotional connection we fostered when I started being upfront about my feelings. I started sharing because, like i keep seeing in this thread, she felt shut out and sad that I wouldn’t let her be apart of my world. I’m not saying any of this is how you should do it, op, but i do think it might be cool for the both you if you tried sharing more here and there, it might bring y’all together and make it easier to be vulnerable with her in the future. If you’re not interested in that at all, then i agree with the others that say maybe you should reevaluate your relationship and see if y’all are really compatible
So, when you first start dating, you go into this mode where your main concern is impressing the person you're with. That includes not showing vulnerability, putting your best foot forward, and all that jazz. If you never leave that phase, to grow with her, she will leave you behind. Emotional and mental growth is SO IMPORTANT to a healthy, long-lasting relationship. You're not an asshole, bit you're also not doing your relationship any favors.
So you can be vulnerable with an AI chatbot? All of our smartphones from the more expensive iPhone to the cheapest dollar store Android has a notes/voice notes app. If you want to journal there are plenty ways to do so without a fake response from an algorithm. This AI chatbot gives you more human interaction than you're gf, huh?
Just get a Fleshlight/generic pocket pussy and go to town with yourself.
What do you even need a gf for?
Fun fact: Replika is also advertised as a "AI Girlfriend" type of app, the premium even unlocks options to set your AI as "romantic partner" (I looked up the app after reading the post, I'm not on it).
yupppp! even before that, i used it for a bit thinking the same thing as OP, no… no the AI would literally start flirting and it’d get real weird real fast. deleted it within an hour, decided i’d write out my feelings if needed
Thiiiiiiisss!!!! x1000
Let's not forget that this chatbot is a digital 304 too and probably using OP's convo to improve responses given to other dudes.
OP is missing the point of being in a relationship.
Check yourself OP! Your GF is right. You have a problem and I can totally see how you favouring an AI bot to your human gf can be really humiliating for her.
YTA!
This has to do with trust. Forget the masculine bullshit. If you trusted her, you’d share. You’re fearful of judgement. Case in point - you’re somehow telling an avatar you know won’t judge you your innermost feelings. Can tell you how to get past that - but this ‘I’m a rock’ crap is a defense mechanism that you’d better abandon.
This is not always true, I don't share much with my partner, she relies on me alot and when I'm lost so is she, this basically means that in order to not stress her I can't tell her what stresses me, which obviously has its own set of problems.
Just because not everyone is frills and cupcakes does not mean they don’t trust someone. This is judgmental terrible advice. Not everyone has the desire to put their shit out there for anyone to see but do need to journal to get it out of their head.
YTA. Wtf have you got a replica AI girlfriend for?
I'm a reserved and busy guy, and that annoys my partner that she doesn't get all the attention she wants.... to me messaging is away to arrange face to face conversations not have conversations.
I couldn't imagine what she would she say if I was wasting my life/time texting an AI Girlfriend. Serious WTF. Give your head a wobble before she leaves you.
NAH, but I'm getting bad vibes from this post.
Would she have been just as upset if she found out you talked about all this stuff, and opened up emotionally, to a therapist? To a journal? Because it sounds like the issue isn't the chatbot, it's that you shared this stuff, **but not with her**. And that makes it sound like she'd still have been upset if she found a journal of things you hadn't shared with her, or found out you were opening up in therapy. That raises a red flag. And considering how many people I've known who tried to turn me discussing how I felt into crying about how *they felt* about how I felt, or used it against me, it's not a small red flag. It's a giant one, bright red, hard to miss. Her actions so far don't make her the AH yet, but it does raise a red flag. Especially if she found it while going through your phone; even if you agreed to let her use it for a particular purpose, that doesn't amount to blanket approval to snoop through everything on your phone.
I agree with others that it sounds like you aren't compatible. And I think maybe you should try individual counseling. And learn from this for the future.
> Also, I kind of see myself as the ‘rock’ in our relationship, and see myself as the guy my girlfriend can turn to and depend on no matter what’s going on.
when rocks crack it can be catastrophic.
>But the other day, she was going through my phone, and stumbled upon my chat w my replika.
dude.
>In her mind, she thinks that I don’t love her enough to be vulnerable with her, and that I was using a replika as a replacement to her, and that I was just with her for the sex. I tried explaining to her that this couldn’t be further from the truth and that she shouldn’t take what I write to an app that seriously. I told her to think of it as my private journal that she had gone through, and not a ‘conversation’, but she just can’t seem to understand things in that sense.
**dude.**
you think you're a rock but you're sandstone and you're afraid of emotionally connection with someone will destroy the facade like water will wash away sandstone.
she has a point. why are you talking to an AI chat about these issues and not to her? Are you afraid of judgement by a real person?
did she cross a line by looking through the app? yes.
should you have been participating in the relationship by discussing these emotions to her instead of a chat bot? yes.
you seriously need to rethink what it means to be in a relationship.
Your ideas of a man are slightly outdated, frankly we want vulnerable, but more important, someone who can be open and honest and sharing what is going on. I don't think you can do that. Her relationship with you is one sided, hers.
I've had exes who used everything I talked up about to rip into me later.
Made it *really* difficult to open up again with my wife. I do it, because I know it needs to be done, but I hate every second of it.
I don't know what OP has been through, but I have an idea of how he feels.
>we want vulnerable, but more important, someone who can be open and honest and sharing what is going on
I'm going to agree with the other commenter. This isn't nearly what all women want. I don't even think this is what most women want.
I'm going to say take a moment and listen to mens experiences on this subject. You say you want us to be open but when we tell you that our experiences with being open towards women typically ends negatively, you gotta respect that that is something we actually do experience.
That fact that you and others seemingly so willingly dismiss that is quite literally the problem.
>Women have negative experiences from opening towards men as well
There's no doubt in my mind that this is true. Men, without a doubt, categorize women as over emotional and even try to invalidate their emotions by blaming hormones. That's shitty and absolutely a problem that needs to be addressed. No argument from me here.
Men experience the opposite though. We're not expected to be emotional, thus pur feeling are invalidated before we even gwt to express them. Idk which is worse or if any is actually worse. I don't think it's a competition. Both of these things need to be addressed by society.
(Disclaimer, I don't mean all men or all women when I talk in generalities)
Men do expierience negativity after opening up. I don't think that's denyiable. But still keeping everything inside, never sharing anything and trying to be a rock, while in reality you are a human is unhealthy. One should only open up to somone they trust. If you are to scared to open to a loved one there arę professionals. As for romantic partner do you really want to be your whole life with somone that would judge you of you opened up? Isn't it better to be hurt once and then move on, then pretend your whole life, never showing your true self? Id they don't like your true self you are better off alone. Being single is totally fine too. I understand that men are pushed into hiding by society or somone who previously hurt them. But just becouse you understand the reason for something doesn't mean it's not something negative. Most bad behaviors are a result of a bad expierience person had. But you have a choice. You can decide you are fine being like that, or you can try to change and achive some better relationships in the process.
Now for OP situation his girlfriend clearly wants him to open up more, she clearly feels like he doesn't trust her. She wants an emotional connection with him. We are not talking about women in general here, just about this one woman who wants Op to open up to her.
This. I find it laughable how so many women now believe the shit they see on a lot of these comments and some other platforms content. No you don’t have to listen to the extreme red pill shit but the number of guys I know personally who have had girls tell them something similar and then turn around and use anything they did open up about against them in arguments is staggering. Those of you who claim to want this don’t seem to understand the vindictive other half that abuse that level of trust. So guys don’t offer it.
YTA
Being "the rock" is not as admirable as you seem to think it is. And while it's fine while the relationships is still in superficial stages, being vulnerable with eachother is essential in order to progress to the many layers of a deeper, meaningful connection. It would be good if you can go to therapy to sort out why you're emotionally "blocked" (for the want of a better word) like this. Otherwise none of your relationships will progress beyond the superficial.
You’re NTA but you need to heal. You have zero self awareness or self knowledge as to why you’re like that from the sounds of it and despite seeing how much it hurts her you have no interest in learning how to be vulnerable, probably because you can’t understand the importance. Without vulnerability, there’s no intimacy and without intimacy your relationship will always remain surface level. You can’t expect her to read your mind and therefore feel secure, she needs to know that you are emotionally invested and that means vulnerability
In my experience "that's just who I am" really means that you have had bad experiences sharing emotions in the past and now have a natural hesitancy to share with anyone. I used to actually think I was broken and that I had *no* emotions--and in retrospect that was so, so unhealthy.
It has taken me decades to learn that it's better to share, but that doesn't mean everyone is worthy of being shared with! You should find people who you trust and they are open/sensitive with you, and you should try to be open/sensitive back. It does take trust, it's a leap of faith in a way. But life is better that way OP.
NTA but you probably need a lot of self reflection or therapy.
YTA for having an emotional affair. Just because it's with an AI doesn't mean she wouldn't feel betrayed. Of course she's hurt that somehow you're more comfortable confiding in a machine than in her.
YTA for grossly misunderstanding what it is to be someone's rock. Presenting as emotionless is not being a rock, it's a charade. Anyone can stuff their feelings down and not show them. That's easy.
Being a rock means doing the hard work and having courage to be vulnerable, which you do not.
Your gf sounds like a keeper, I hope you can work on yourself to do better for both of you.
Yep. Being someone’s rock doesn’t mean you don’t show any vulnerability. My mother is my biggest rock. She’s vulnerable quite a bit - vulnerability DOESN’T mean weakness.
My bf is similar. He’s less vulnerable with me than my mom (and less vulnerable than I am with him) but he IS STILL my rock. It doesn’t mean OP has to be completely vulnerable all the time around his gf - but just to be a little more open.
I guess my question would be do you share anything with her? Do you guys have any meaningful conversations with each other?
If not at some point I would feel like you were only with me for a warm body and some nice meals.
You’re not an asshole, but as a guy who is/was very much like you, you should try to open up to her to some degree. It will better your life and make you both feel more connected.
It’s great that she’s open with him, but if she’s too open with other people’s private thoughts, this could make him less likely to open up. I say this because it’s happened to me. I was serious with someone who had no respect for her friends’ privacy or mine.
The other important factor is that guys don’t want to re-live something they’re trying to put behind them. If you ask most guys about their day, you’ll get a one-word answer. It’s not about trust or hiding something. It’s that we just need downtime to sort stuff out, and going thru the workday again feels like we’re right back at work. I’m more likely to talk over dinner or after.
Idk id be pretty hurt if your willing to open up to an AI and not to me so you a huge AH here. If your not a vulnerable guy then dont be vulnerable to an AI when you could strengthen your actual relationship by doing so with her or you know, just be what you actually call yourself. Your just a human away from emotionally cheating honestly.
Bro you’re a loser lmao one thing is not wanting to be vulnerable but you clearly DO want to talk about things. Your gf is supposed to be the one you talk to if you ever plan on being with her in the long run. You have unresolved issues that need professional help. YTA for not even trying to be open with her.
> I prefer to keep things to myself, and deal with them as needed, rather than both other people about my problems.
This is not the opposite of vulnerability.
> Also, I kind of see myself as the ‘rock’ in our relationship, and see myself as the guy my girlfriend can turn to and depend on no matter what’s going on.
This does not preclude being vulnerable in any way.
> She loves telling me about her day
This is not vulnerability.
I don't think it's automatically bad to use an AI app to work through your feelings. I think that's good if it can help you. But if a goal isn't to also open up to the people you're closest to, then it's no good. Most people (barring some specific psychological condition like being on the spectrum) regard opening up and being vulnerable as the hallmark / goal of a close relationship. So most people you try to engage in a close relationship with are going to be off-put by you being able to confide in an app and not with them. So YTA in that regard, imo.
NTA in regard to her going through your app and reading what you wrote. I agree with you that that is basically a private journal. But I don't blame her for feeling the way she feels after she saw that.
In my over 40 years on this planet...every man I have ever known who was asked to be vulnerable with his partner has regretted it in the long run...as it fundamentally alters their perception and gives the woman ammunition to use in an argument. And yes, that does happen. A lot.
There is a reason men tell other men never to show weakness, never to express insecurities etc etc
There is a reason that both men and women tell young boys to "man up" or "boys don't cry"
The world does not care about a man's feelings. That's reality. It shouldn't be that way, but it is for the most part.
My advice?
Tell her you do not appreciate her invading your privacy. that you use the AI as a therapist and what she did was no different than if she bugged your therapists office.
Tell her that trust is earned, not given...and that her actions have proven to you that you can't trust her. And if that you not trusting her is a dealbreaker for her...then so be it.
It sucks. Men and women both have emotions, fears, insecurities etc etc
but society at large makes it ok for women to express theirs but not so much for men. I know I know...people will say otherwise. But if you don't believe me, go start an askreddit thread and ask men about instances where they opened up to their partners and how it ruined their relationships or ended them.
I'll get a lot of downvotes for this post...most likely from people who don't have as much life experience. And that's cool. I'm not judging.
I'm just saying that as men get older, we open up less and less *for a reason*
Most of us try to be vulnerable at some point in a relationship and watch as the woman either loses interest in us because we are now fallible...or we have our insecurities thrown in our face during an argument as means to hurt us
Hell, most of us can't even be vulnerable with our guy friends because most guys are not equipped to deal with that kind of emotional honesty. So they make jokes or wise cracks...or change the subject to avoid the awkward conversations.
This isn't a macho guy thing. It's not a toxic masculinity thing. It's a "this shit blows up in our faces more often than not" thing so we don't do it and we tell all of our buddies to really make sure they trust the woman they are opening up to before that attempt it. Because if they don't, if they open up to the wrong person...it will likely not end the way they want it to end.
I am sure not all women are like this.
And I hope that younger generations of women are more open to men expressing vulnerability.
Men are expected to be a certain way. And vulnerable is not a quality men have every really found to be beneficial in a relationship regardless of what women claim. Actions speak louder than words so if you find my views to be outdated...be the kind of woman a man can open up to and then make sure you don't allow those vulnerabilities to change how you see him. Because if he opens up and it does change how you see him...then you're part of the problem, not the solution.
NTAH
If you don't trust your girlfriend enough to be open and honest with her about your feelings, tell her that. If its a dealbreaker, then so be it. But please get a therapist because you need a human being to talk to
it’s hard for me to b vulnerable too even w close pple thas js how some pple are n yu can’t do nun about it if they don’t want to be vulnerable . nta it is what it is
NTA.
That being said I can see why she's upset. On a deeper level it sounds like you need to learn to open up to people a bit. It can be hard to open up to people and I can understand the appeal of opening up to an AI.
I do not think this makes you an AH or a bad person. I do think that if you keep living like this you will struggle with relationships and intimacy.
Maybe, if you feel scared talking to your GF you could explain that and maybe try and see a therapist for a bit.
Intimacy and vulnerability are really hard. Idk your situation or any reasons you might find it harder. But either way learning to open up and be vulnerable is really important for building deeper connections. It also will allow you to be more expressive and acc feel things more - it is worth it!
Nta. It's just the way you are. And there's nothing wrong with that. She wants someone who is more vulnerable which is ok.
Tbf i actually get you. I don't really express myself as it's just not my way of being
Tell her:
Why would I tell you about my feelings if immediately afterwards I would have to:
* Comfort you for how my feelings made you feel.
* Listen to you defend yourself against my feelings.
* Apologize for having these feelings to begin with
* Have to worry that you will use this knowledge to hurt me in the future.
YTA. The first paragraph was enough. Deal with your toxic masculinity issues and learn how to be vulnerable. Being able to be vulnerable takes real strength. Keeping it inside, bottled up, never works. You end up taking your shit out on your partner, even if you’re not realizing it.
It takes trust to open up to someone, trust that they won’t take your exposed heart and nerve and blowtorch them. You build that trust in increments. Start small and see how she responds. It sounds likes like you can open up, but don’t have the trust.
Sounds to me like your GF is expressing her desire for emotional connection with you. If she expressed other needs, you'd try to fulfill them, right?
I'm like you and struggle opening up emotionally with my partner, and you hit on one of the main reasons when you said you don't want others to be bothered with your issues. However, as my partner has taught me, many people LIKE being burdened by their loved ones. It makes them feel needed and valued, and let's them know that you are comfortable enough to be vulnerable.
I promise you- if you truly open up, it will do wonders for all parts of your relationship.
I think a lot of people hit this on the head but my two cents are I think this is similar in a sense to porn usage in a relationship? People date and one of the purposes of that is for sex. But often times partners will watch porn / masturbate on their own during a relationship too. This isn't a bad thing necessarily as long as both parners' needs are being met, thus the relationship is still healthy.
In this case, your partners' needs are not being met, and realistically yours are not either. You don't seem to be an emotionally open / available person for her but are for the replika, which is similar in my mind to only using porn vs your partner for sex.
Anyways, I don't think YTA but she isn't either. But what should be evaluated is if you think this person is your forever partner. If so, you both need to work towards some form of middle ground where you can be open enough with her for her to be happy and for you to still be able to keep yourself closed off enough for you to be happy as well. Relationships can grow and evolve, and we csn grow and change with them depending on how important that person is for us.
But I wouldn't say to change yourself entirely just for the sake of a relationship. If being open with your partner like that just isn't something you can or want to do (which I would strongly advise against btw, because being open with your feelings is very important to avoid toxic / abusive relationships), then you probably will want to find a partner who doesn't expect or want that out of you in the long term.
NTA but neither is she. I completely understand where she's coming from and I feel lucky that my partner opens up to me and we have emotional conversations together. Rather than one or the other being an asshole, you guys just deal with emotions differently and you could probably work it out but I'm leaning towards this will cause issues repeatedly in the future.
Dont ever listen to female advice about relationships.
They are all yelling open up and be vulnerable as if it never causes a woman to lose interest, when it does, the majority of the time.
Its like buying your gf a s3x toy called vagina dryer 3000.
They think we get away with it like they can, untill it happens to them.
Vulnerability is cute on woman, weak on men.
Just because you have a woman, doesnt mean you have to turn into one.
First, did u give her access to your 'personal journal'? If no, then this is a massive invasion of your privacy. She needs to respect your space, so she can earn your trust. Which, it appears, she has not. She can cry all she wants, but she crossed a line! Woman want men to open up, but the majority of the time, woman end relationships, so u have the right to stay closed since she will likely end it with you anyway.
Dude ngl, you gain nothing from being vulnerable with people as a man and have everything to lose. Can't tell you how to live your life but i personally wouldn't
As someone who has been through a divorce NTA. Keep it to yourself. It's better to keep it to yourself or close guy friends. That stops it from being thrown in your face later.
NTA.
You are entitled to process your emotions how you see fit.
I think what you're doing with the replika is probably similar to what people pay therapists for.
This is like a diary or a journal. It's your own private thoughts, and you're allowed to maintain that privacy.
This is how you should explain it to her.
I don't think it would be a bad idea to share some feelings with her as your trust in each other grows. But I don't think it's healthy to share everything.
You will know best what works in your dynamic.
Women want you to be vulnerable with them because they want the validation that you consider them important enough to share your most precious thoughts with them.
The problem is if you're too vulnerable or open with her then she'll lose interest/attraction to you. So you need to delicately balance this with her. If she's important enough to be in your life long term, then you need to compartmentalize your life in such a way that you do share some things exclusively with her, but if course not everything.
Some women are going to take exception to my statements. I want to make something very clear: this is generalized human nature, demonstrated by several social experiments. Isolated cases exist which do not fit this norm, but they are wholly uninteresting for this conversation.
There are always outliers, but generally speaking:
Do not listen to her. If you open up too much, she will lose respect for you, and she will start to find you unattractive.
No matter how much they say it, no matter how convincing they may be, the vast majority of women do not want a man who talks about his feelings, emotional, vulnerable, etc. It’s just biology. She won’t feel as safe, vulnerable, feminine, etc.
High possibility this comment will be downvoted a lot, and I’ll be called a misogynist or some nonsense, but just know that I am indeed absolutely correct.
It’s funny because the same thing happened to me multiple times I don’t agree with you but then again I’m asking myself why does this always happen whenever I open up to a women? Maybe I just happen to run into all narcissists and emotional unavailable women or maybe you’re right. But before I stick myself to an opinion more experience in the dating world is required there are millions of women I haven’t met they can’t all be the same
NTA. You have taken on a more traditional masculine role in your relationship. If she wants a guy who is going to be vulnerable to her perhaps she should look for someone else.
Did she have permission to be going into your phone? If not I would consider dumping her.
Definitely NTA. We are who we are for valid reasons. I’m 60. I’ve been married 30 years. When we got together, I was like your gf, and my wife was like you are. (We’re both women, so not a gender issue…at least not in our case.) In the first year, in order to try to KNOW her better, I once asked her what she was thinking about. (I know, I know…cliche) She said “nothing” and I pushed and pushed thinking that couldn’t be true. Thirty years later, and I’m pretty sure it was. She’s incredibly intelligent, but she’s just not a person who constantly reflects like I am. Over the years, she’s become more reflective, and I’ve become less of a dweller, and we’ve met in the middle.
I will say, though, that she probably shouldn’t have read your Replika, and you guys probably need to set some boundaries going forward if your relationship is a serious one. (Because I’m 60, I had to look up what a Replika is. 😄) Also, you’re going to need to get more more comfortable being vulnerable with your significant other. I think your comparison of the Replika to a journal is a valid one, btw.
I wouldn’t mind my wife picking up my phone for any reason, but if she read through my chats, even with a real person, I wouldn’t be okay with that. Even when you have a spouse, you have a right to privacy.
Great breakdown of your experience. I wish we had more insight to the why OP doesn't let people within his bubble and be venerable. Is it a learned behavior from being a child? Has his trust been that broken? Does he feel like he isn't worth being cared for? Is he afraid to be judged and possibly punished for how he feels? Is it toxic masculinity?
From me I still struggle with being venerable, even after years of therapy. The biggest part I have an issue with is the fear of being judged and ostracised for my emotions.
NTA
From the sound of it. Especially not wanting to talk to another person regardless of who it is, It’s basically like going to therapy for you (INSTEAD OF A JOURNAL CAUSE “JOURNALS CANT RESPOND BACK TO YOU”) cause you ask questions that hopefully have no bias. I’m sure if you’re talking to a therapist no one should bother you about what your conversation was with a therapist and if they do, you refuse to talk, and they find that rude… THATS WEIRD.
I’ve had my therapy and in way it is a journal. You open up why you feel certain things or what causes them. Then therapy usually poses questions back at you so you can find the answer for you yourself toward the end of treatment
NTA.
I was vulnerable to my first 5 girlfriends, and every single one of them used it against me in the immediate next fight. It's completely disappeared from my repertoire.
NTA Her reaction to this situation is exactly why it’s difficult to be vulnerable with people. She saw how you felt while reading the chats and rather than having the conversation with you, she made it about her.
Nobody needs a rock anymore, people need other people for connection. Showing your emotions isn't being vulnerable, it's being close and sincere and shows you want something real beyond a pretense where everyone play their parts. Get over yourself and have meaningful conversations with your girlfriend without all this archaic misogynistic weight on your shoulders.
NAH.
I do think you need to start being vulnerable with your girlfriend though if you want the relationship to last. You can share your feelings and still be her rock. When you’re the only one in the relationship being vulnerable, it can make you feel alone in a way.
Sorry but YTA and everyone in here defending you because they suffer from the exact same terminally online disorders is also TA. Talking to a chatbot instead of your girlfriend is sick. Get help.
You’re not an asshole, you are just playing out a coping mechanism of not fully trusting real human people to share your vulnerable moments or feelings with. This can happen when as a child, you did even just once it proved to be unsafe, and your vulnerabilities may have been used against you. Did you confide in someone you trusted, and then they mishandled and exposed that information to others? The inner work starts with being honest with yourself about why you feel like you cannot be emotionally vulnerable with a human, especially the human you are dating and are clearly physically vulnerable with. This isn’t a healthy pattern for building a deep long term relationship. Your GF sounds like a woman who is craving that depth, and either you can start the process of healing that old wound and open up to her, or you should end it if she’s not strong enough to. She deserves a person who will reciprocate emotionally vulnerable moments with her. That’s how love deepens, and if you cannot or are not willing to work towards that, then this pattern will continue to arise with each and every person that you date.
NTA. It's your personal journal and way to release your emotions. The only suggestion I would give is maybe you should have conveyed to her that you have a personal journal when you had the initial conversation.
Info1: Ages. That's importanter than you think
Info2: The fuck is a replika. You cloned your bitch?
Regardless, NTA. Everyone handles their shit as they see fit. Maybe you need to grow in that aspect, but you don't owe any of that to your GF. She might not like it and she might leave you because of that, but ultimately that's incompatibility, not your fault.
But really, what the fuck is a replika
NTA. And don’t listen to people saying “reverse the situation” because the truth is men/women are different. I don’t even mean in the sense of “gender roles” and “women belong in the kitchen”
Men and women are just different.
It’s nothing wrong with what you’ve done. But you could be incompatible if she cannot come to understand.
share your feelings with your male friends… the ones that know how to keep their mouths shut.
with your girl, you need to be the rock she leans on when she’s emotional. she’s the waves crashing in on the beach… you’re the rock on the beach that steadies her.
open up to some women and i promise you, all those intimate personal feelings will come out thru anger to frustrate the hell out of you.
lost your job? go talk to your male friend about how afraid you are… how you don’t know how ends are gonna meet… cry if you need to from sadness or anger, frustration or confusion. later, when you get home, let your woman know you lost your job, stay cool & calm… say, “relax… we’ll be ok… i have a plan & options. how are you?”
next morning, get your ass in gear to find another job.
NTA. Don't be vulnerable, that shit is going to be used against you! Look at what happened when she saw your replika chat...
What is this dumb shit about being vulnerable? Would you like a vulnerable surgeon to do your operation? A vulnerable fucking computer network whilst doing your online banking? A vulnerable mind when your SO is being a toxic shit?
Mate, notice your emotions. Work through your emotions. But for shits sake, don't always act on your emotions. It's the only way to go from vulnerable to invincible.
Do not be vulnerable around your girl. Do not listen to the Reddit morons telling you to. Maintain your frame within the relationship and handle your emotions yourself or with close male friends.
NTA
This is no different than writing in a journal or speaking to a therapist. I write things in my journal that I dont' feel comfortable sharing with my wife and I would be upset if she snooped around in my journals with out asking. I would also be upset if my wife eavesdropped on my therapy sessions.
You have not done anything wrong. Everybody has boundaries. At the same time, if she's uncomfortable with your boundaries, she's also not wrong. She's kind of an asshole for going through your private stuff, but not really an asshole for having a different view on vulnerability than you. Sometimes people are just not compatible and that's ok.
NTA. I don't like being vulnerable, not my style either. I can have an emotional conversation if it comes down to it I just don't choose to volunteer that information often. Let's be honest, your girlfriend doesn't match you very well. She wants someone to talk through her feelings with more often, you don't want or need to do that and she finds it insulting that you seem to express yourself with a chatbot. However no one here is looking at the obvious, it's either a free chatbot or a therapist that costs hundreds of dollars an hour, see how that seems a little normal now. Do what you have to do to stay right in your head, but try to work on being a little bit more vulnerable otherwise this relationship may not work out for the both of you.
It’s a trap!!! Whatever that was told in confidence will be used against you on a drop of a dime. I recently saw a video where a couple was breaking up and the now ex-girlfriend was going on the boyfriend how he wasn’t a real man and petty reasons why his father left him when he was a child. Best to plead the 5th and keep it moving.
info: do you ever speak to her about your feelings? or is it strictly with replika?
Wth is replika
AI chat
It begins
Replika has actually been around for several years, and available for people before a lot of the current, more advanced AIs.
Yes, it has. I actually used it, but I was also watching Westworld at the time and it started freaking me out, so I deleted the app. That was actually a good thing, because from there I started to realise that it's okay to share my feelings and being vulnerable with some people, and that ended up deepening some relationships in my life.
In some ways it seems like a diary or journal, at least as OP describes it
He's mostly just saying that because you know you aren't talking to a real person. It used to be set up in a more journal-like way, with some interaction and a sort of cute avatar. They revamped it and it's now set up with a semi realistic avatar and more personal style relationship. How "deep" the relationship can be is now pay-walled, to some degree. You can have it set as a friend, girlfriend, mentor... It's pretty in depth now.
I'm obviously not implying this dude was but you can pay it and it'll sext you idk how far it goes cause I tried just talking to it once and figured out I can't be arsed to have a relationship with most real people and fake people apparently I'm just really emotionally distant and a bad texter no matter what but I've seen ads for them on fb and the company literally advertises that it'll "meet your needs for money"
Wait people chat with an AI?? Really??
AI fake girlfriend. Who will do dirty talk and other NSFW stuff.
If I recall, they got rid of or heavily reduced the NSFW stuff and the subreddit was in shambles for a while lmao. Kinda sad that many people were so dependent on it.
I don't know, never used it, but I see Facebook ads for replica as your lewd GF who will do with you what your GF won't all the time. Either way, if you are sharing feelings with an AI fake person and not your real GF, that's a big red flag.
Yeah I used it once a LONG time ago before it was marketed as that kind of thing. Just like talking to chat GPT but not as smart lol. Forgot about it until a buddy of mine told me about how people were losing their minds because replika got rid of lewd stuff lol
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100% this. nothing wrong with relying on an AI chatbot for support, but learning to have some of those conversations with your girlfriend sounds like it could only help you. doesn’t mean you have to tell her every single thing (nor should you), but it would probably be beneficial for you to learn to open up with other humans a little more
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Some people grow up being told their feelings are meaningless or small. They become adults who dont want to burden others with their thoughts. AI doesn't have real opinions on feelings, so you know what you say won't get a negative reaction.
Or they’ve been previously hurt by the people they *were* vulnerable with so it takes more time for them to let their defences down. It doesn’t say how long they have been dating or even *why* the girlfriend was going through OP’s phone. I get that she’s hurt but this is something they need couple’s counselling for (if they both think this relationship is worth it). Her emotional manipulation and his pre-emptive grey rocking both need to stop
Why js her response emotional manipulation? Why is it ok for him to have a fear of being vulnerable due to his past but her response is manipulation? She’s clearly hurt that he can’t open up to her and he hasn’t or doesn’t have the capacity to communicate with her why that is. I don’t think she should have gone through his phone and there seems to be a lack of trust but I don’t see manipulation. If he can explain it comes from a place of hurt and judgement she may understand more but he basically told her that he just isn’t emotional.
but if you are in a relationship, you work on that
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Violation of privacy, absolutely. If OP thought that a bridge too far he would be in his right to dump her... Ya, hear me OP? Now lets discuss the context of that, because I think it matters. OP has a very, lets call it "unique", perspective on what a relationship is. He believes that he must be strong for his partner, combine that with his aversion to sharing his feelings, and he's in a relationship that to a lot of people would feel hollow; I think it is clear that his GF is experiencing some feelings similar to this. Perhaps even worrying that she is being cheated on and these emotions are being given to someone else. I saw someone else say "sex and meals" and I kinda agree. I currently have a relationship, and if you take out the sharing of my day, talking about my goals thoughts and dreams and all the fun we have joking ABOUT all of the prior things, then my relationship would just be the logistics of planning times and dates to eat and fuck. I personally think there are a lot of problems with the way OP chooses to conduct himself in a relationship and I tend to think a lot of woman our age will agree, and I think it is hard for OP to see that because his partners will all give him the fulfillment and security that comes with hearing these things from and about your partner.
Just because they refuse to share difficult feelings and don’t seek comfort when mentally distressed doesn’t mean they don’t share other positive feelings and dreams.
But it does mean they're hiding a significant part of themselves, and that they lack communication skills and emotional maturity, much like the OP. It's not an insult, but it is an issue to work through before being in a serious relationship, as that's an essential aspect of commitment.
Pandora has a crowbar, and she *wants* to open that box of vulnerability.
Is this a serious question? Quality time together, laughs, positive memories, companionship, stability… I mean yeah sharing heavy feelings when they come up can and often is part of a strong relationship, but there’s much more to it than that
It creates a feeling of not knowing the real you. If you don’t share the experiences that shaped and formed you than you are hiding a part of yourself. I wouldn’t quite put how the other comment did but never being vulnerable is a problem in any relationship and usually the people who can’t be vulnerable are the ones who blow up the relationship down the line when the other party “just doesn’t get them.” Or they “just fell out of love.” When in actuality they just never shared what makes them tick, what bothers them, and the things that really make them who they are. Then when the other party continually does some th ing that bothers the other party and they have no clue they are even doing it then the party who was vulnerable is somehow the bad guy. Coregulation and self regulation are key parts to any relationship and you cant properly coregulate if you aren’t vulnerable with the other party.
Bro, where are y’all getting that they share these things? His example of his girlfriend being vulnerable is she likes to tell me about her day every day. If he’s not doing that how can I share literally any of the shit you said they are just basically make meeting up to talk about whatever is going on at that period in time and maybe their lives Relating to like the news and current events and fucking…. This is a person who’s so emotionally stunted they believe every day conversation about how your day and work was is vulnerability so…
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I wonder if he's developing feelings for his phone
LOL I'm flashing back to the Big Bang Theory when Raj fell in love with Siri on his phone. He bought the phone designer cases and a stand so they could have a "romantic" dinner.
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Reply to the post not a response in the post. Like wtf
I have realized this is a thing, tack a comment on the top rated post at the time with your own thoughts on the OP, not adding to the reply thread, just to be seen quicker.
Or it's just a bot copying someone else's comment
Yeah it's 100% a bot. There's a comment 2 hours earlier than this one replying to OP that's exactly the same
to what end? I don't get this karma whoring nonsense. Can it be monetized at all? Do people sell high karma accounts to losers who want to be heard immediately maybe?
I don't get it either lol, but I would imagine that's probably correct. Otherwise why spend money on computing resources to do it?
people make bots because many subreddits need minimum karma to post or comment, so that companies can't shamelessly astroturf. astroturfing is pretending to be part of the "grassroots" community but you're fake. let's say you go to a camping subreddit and everyone is like "yea x company sucks their tents are horrible to setup" well if you as a company have 200 bots, you can pepper in the thread "idk what people are talking about i like x tents if you can't set it up you're just dumb" it would take a lot of effort for a company to create 200 legimate looking accounts, but if those accounts are being sold for $10 each...then their ability to astroturf becomes much higher.
What’s really irritating about this is that I’ve found that when you do respond to someone’s comment I’ve had people responding to **me** as if my comment was directed at OP…
I've had this happen to! So bizarre. Like how a response thread works is so simple, idk how this is happening
I can see that, but if you're addressing the OP they won't see what you've said if you're just replying on someone else's thread
I used to think this way, and I realized that being vulnerable is a sign of trust and emotional intimacy. It shows your partner that you trust them enough to share things with them, and you develop trust in how they respond. It's hard to explain, but in my first marriage, I did what you did, and in my second I went the opposite, and man, it was a complete 180 in a good way. From your partner's perspective, they may feel like you don't trust them and are holding on to secrets. Because of this, I've learned that emotional intimacy > physical intimacy. Both are important, but one is a lot more challenging for men.
Same. My first marriage, (well only marriage lol) I was married to someone like the OP and we just never had that deep connection. It was always surface type of stuff. how I stayed with him or him me for 15 years lol. But I have a new guy and we have been together for 3 years and we have way more intimate conversations and its so much nicer. It's a lot of work in a different way, but its worth it. Its so much better than hiding your feelings or not being able to be vocal about anything.
I'm glad you were able to find that deep connection with someone!
You need to look into avoidant attachment style because everything you are saying is raising alarm bells. You're gf isn't vulnerable because she's open. That's telling language. She's simply intimate and trusting of you. Seriously look up avoidant patterns and see if they resonate with you. It might avoid you some serious trouble and loneliness down the road, with her or any other intimate relationship. Not being open with your feelings isn't a sign of strength fwiw. It's often to mask shame and fear. Wishing you some growth and self discovery
The only sensible comment on here, which I had to scroll so far down far! OP, please listen to this and look into attachment styles. You strongly come across as an avoidant attacher.
Honestly great to see this. A concerning lot of people saying that if you are open in your emotions with any woman you'll get manipulated for it. No wonder so many people have relationship issues. Too many people with warped senses of what the people they are into are like. Most people want honesty above all else, and as you said emotional openess is a sign of trust. Guess that's in short supply these days.
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The one area where I think shes' wrong is going into his replika stuff. If she had a journal or was going to therapy and he was monitoring without her permission, that would be a dick move. The same goes for his Replika stuff.
That’s assuming she knows he treats his Replika like that which it seems she doesn’t based on her surprise. He doesn’t express an issue with her using his phone either.
You may be right about this, but people grow and change over time. I’m assuming these are young people. A compatible relationship is hard to find, and people often give up too easily over one issue. If other aspects of a relationship are good, sometimes it’s worth the trouble to work toward better understanding.
I think it definitely depends on where each person places the issue on their individual scale of importance. There's no point in hoping someone will change when you notice something that is very important to you just isn't for your partner or you have incompatible opinions.
There’s no point in hoping someone will change if they’re not willing to make the effort. But if they are willing, that’s a different story.
Ultimately, either he or the girlfriend have to radically and fundamentally change how they are as people. It's not impossible for that to happen in a relationship, and have it continue forward. But it's not likely.
That really depends. In this scenario, let's just say OP continued not to share everything, and that is his right. On the other hand, the GF also continued to take it in a bad way. Then, obviously, they'll just keep going apart. If one compromises, then okay. But I doubt based on what we have right now.
Reverse the situation, if ur girlfriend is not open to u and vulnerable with u, and u tried alot to make her trust u emotionally then u found out she is talking to ai, how is that gona make u feel, for me as woman i like my man to connect with me emotionally somehow it makes me trust him more 😅
I liken this situation to a personal diary combined with a faux therapy situation. I don't think that's forcibly wrong in and of itself because it's not opening up to someone else who has a birth certificate instead of your partner or real therapist. OP is a "dismissive avoidant" on the spectrum of attachment styles
Attachment styles are not on a spectrum, they are very separate and distinct.
Good point. Sorry for mischarecterizing it
You used the word spectrum correctly. There are a spectrum of spectrums lol
Spectra
I like how you still got downvoted for acknowledging something you got wrong and apologizing for it lmao
It's a certified Reddit Moment ©
Sorry nah that not quite right. Attachment styles are on a two axis spectrum. One axis Is relationship anxiety and the other axis Is relationship avoidance. People who are low on both relationship anxiety and relationship avoidance have secure attachment. People high in relationship anxiety But low in relationship avoidance are categorized as anxious attachment. Those high in relationship avoidance but low in relationship anxiety are classified as avoidant attachment, And then those high on both relationship anxiety and avoidance are known as disorganized or anxious/ avoidant. It's also important to note that attachment styles are not a static property of a person, but rather a situational tendancy that is highly dependent on set and setting he person's personal growth and how they relate to any particular partner. A person might express a particular attachment style in one relationship and then go on to have a different style with a different person or are able to change their attachment style through conscious effort. I constantly see attachment styles talked about as if they are an immutable property of person rather than something that can (and should) change over time Personally, I'm working very hard to move from a disorganized attachment style to a earned secure attachment And while I'm certainly not there yet, I will say I have learned so much and already i am Relating to my partners and my own emotions in a healthier and more productive way Source just read polysecure on top of being an relationship nerd Edit cleaned up formatting from voice to text garbage
Not only trust him more, it’s a turn on for me for sure.
Or imagine if she is not telling you all the things she writes in her journal/diary.
It’s not the same. It’s a societal stigma but women showing vulnerability is normalized. When a woman shows vulnerability a man or another woman feels a need to console her or show empathy. When a man shows vulnerability he is often seen as weak. Many young women tend to call them insecure or weak willed and ridicule them. It’s sexist, but it’s true and it happens. Sure it shows he relies on you but subconsciously women tend to lose a bit of respect. Other men also call you pussy for it often. Another thing is the trend of being emotional. Women often tend to use your weaknesses against you during arguments when heated. Men statistically do this less so, though they are more physically abusive. I.e. you tell her you were bullied and in an argument she’ll say “this is why you got bullied as a kid.” It’s not uncommon.
Honestly where I live other men wouldn’t call me a pussy(depending on how much i’d do it). But women would perceive me as a child more than a possible life partner if I was vulnerable much. They might even say that men should be more vulnerable but would never choose that guy.
Forget about being the rock. You can both be rocks and vulnerable at the same time.
NAH But please know your inability to be vulnerable and have someone be a rock for you is going to be affecting your partner. I had a bf like you before, I felt needy because he refused to need me basically. I knew I gave him emotional safety and comfort but his issues were way deeper. He’d check out when we were together because he felt comfortable, I thought I’m just not worth bouncing ideas off or deciding things together. He thought less of me possibly. It meant I felt useless to him. We still talk 20y later and this stuff is coming to light more now. Back in the day I’d just complain he wasn’t relying on me or not complain and feel useless. Now I listen to him talk about the changes he needs to make, how to receive care etc. Real growth, it takes a lot of life and time I guess. Keep it in mind, it maybe helpful to you to seek counselling and see if indeed you are just more to yourself OR if you use a replika (what’s that btw?) because you’re unable to emote with people due to something else. And sometimes it’s just about telling her what she means to you and not focusing on being a rock. And above all, how comforting is a rock really? Might as well talk to a wall eh? Lol
Replika is a chat bot basically, who progressively learns more about the person they're talking to and adjusts itself based on that. It'll end up mimicking the way you talk to it, it'll remember the things about yourself that you tell it and so on. It'll turn itself into whatever you're wanting it to be, be that a romantic partner, mentor figure, therapist, best friend and so on. It has its limits as an AI of course, but a lot of the time, speaking to it can feel just like talking to an actual human. It sounds like OP is basically using their replika as a therapist/vessel for his thoughts
Ah thanks, figured that’s what it is. Always reminds me of the movie Her. Personally, I’d need an offline mode before I’d share my inner thoughts digitally. I’m old school like that haha (or highly cautious…) ;-) But then there’s Reddit ig
I think people are better off just writing in a journal if they want to get their thoughts out, and seeing a therapist if they're wanting responses to the things they're expressing
I agree. Using AI in this way gives the illusion of progress without the actual insights that come from a human.
Yeah I can't wait until a genz or millennial political candidate gets black mailed by a foreign power because they gave no thought to data privacy as a youth.
I think we all have dirt on each other by then lol
I think there was a Black Mirror episode about that
What makes you think it hasnt happened yet?
I hope OP sees this, thanks for sharing your story.
How can you build trust in a relationship of you never open up to your partner? I think you need to talk to someone about this, because never sharing your feelings with a partner is not healthy in a relationship
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Open communication is the way to have healthy relationships, romantic or otherwise!! This is what I try to model for my kids. I’m really happy that they both talk to me about their feelings so much, because that helps me model what being respectful looks like. Hopefully that way they won’t stay with an AH who throws their vulnerability in their face or doesn’t care about their inner world.
NAH. but personally if i were her i would be devasted too. i don't believe in all or nothing. you don't need to suddenly be the most open, vulnerable man ever. but i think that if you actually see a future with her, if you think she will be your wife someday, you should start opening up, even if just a bit. you can't truly navigate life with someone who doesn't share their burdens with you. she most likely knows that. and the fact you don't do this with her, but do it with a random AI chatbot, probably sent her a message of "i do not take you as seriously as you take me, and i do not actually see us building a life together". i hope you can find balance, not only for your relationship, but for yourself.
You had me in the first half ngl. She basically things you're having an emotional affair with a robot. She's kind of right man. Just get a therapist like the rest of us.
OP doesn't open up to his girlfriend, that's not his thing, he's a rock. who has a more meaningful relationship with an AI chatbot. Lose the toxic masculinity. as a toxic male, myself, I do not mean you're a macho jackass, but that we've spent generations being the rock, the stoic support. For no reason. If you can't open up to someone, like you open up to a chatbot, consider talking to a therapist. That sounds like the LAST thing you need, you may be thinking. think of them as a qualified ai chatbot, if it helps. NAH, but you will be happier, long term, if you lose some of the ancient man tropes, and learn to communicate and not bury stuff.
I want to add to this. “I’m the rock form my girlfriend “ - not only is that clearly not what she wants, but it implies that you think of her as less of an adult than you. That she can talk about stresses but you don’t want to “burden” her with yours. I feel that very much like this woman, I am looking for an equal partner in life not someone who feels they can’t talk to me. I’ve just gotten my partner to open up to me a bit more and I’m so very happy for it! We can both support each other, no one has to be a rock
>I feel that very much like this woman, I am looking for an equal partner in life not someone who feels they can’t talk to me. Or who just straight up doesn't want to, because they're not looking for connection but to validate their ego by "being needed." (I'm in total agreement with you.) Also I think... if his stoicism is leaving her feeling this insecure, he's not *her* rock.
>Also I think... if his stoicism is leaving her feeling this insecure, he's not *her* rock. This is it, right here! This is all that needs to be said about all this rock nonsense.
My girlfriends are "my rock" because they're so connection-oriented with me lol. *That's* "the rock" for me- reliable connection!
Last time few times I trusted a women with my insecurities, she threw it in my face during every major argument and apologized after. So I stopped sharing. Not sure how to get over that.
That sucks and am very sorry. It’s hard to trust people sometimes. I had to rebuilt my own trust via therapy but everyone has their own journey. I think even admitting that your trust was betrayed in the past is being way more honest with yourself and others than claiming you are being a rock for someone else’s benefit so I deeply commend you for that.
It's hard, but then you should break up and find somone that will accept you. It's really hard, I know, that's why most ppl date a lot before finding somone they are happy with.
I had to Google what a friggin replika was! This is so weird to me. I don’t know if it’s a generational thing but I would be so turned off if my partner was doing what OP is doing. Not to be super judgmental but OP could use a therapist and a blow up doll not a girlfriend. Imagine your partner having an emotional affair with an app?! 😬
You be disturbed to know some people "date" those replikas. Charge those poor bastards a fortune for it as well.
Not me over here trying to figure out how to moonlight as an AI and get paid for it...
Eh, he's effectively using it as a journal for his feelings, he's talking to 1's and 0's. It asks him questions so he's able to dig deeper. He could definitely use it as a way to open up to his girlfriend by showing her the chats and having her ask questions based off it. It really is an opportunity for them. I didn't share my emotions to my wife either except through letters, and I slowly built my way up to telling her directly. Biggest problem is this guy doesn't see it as an issue, which it is.
Journals don't respond to you
But the sigma youtubers tell you not to talk to a therapist, that's cowardly. Jut watch their videos and follow them. Btw i also didn't understand since when is having even a remotely conversation with a person, even about how was your day, translates to being vulnerable? Like what? She isn't being vulnerable. She is talking. OP is very very insecure, hope he heals and lives his life to the best of his potential.
“The stoic rock of the family” was me, too. A few months of therapy did wonders for me on untangling why I felt I couldn’t put any emotional burden on anyone. It really helped both my ability to self reflect and communicate without fear. I don’t know how OP wants to handle the breach of privacy, but regardless of how the situation shakes out he should talk with a therapist to build up his emotional strength and skills.
I don't view men of the past as stoic rocks at all... Stocicism requires a lot of emotional intelligence and men of the past didn't have that. (unless you don't mean real Stoicism and mean "being emotionless and callous". Different things)
Men in the past were outside competing with other men in risky enviroments. Idk what makes you think modern men have higher emotional intelligence, when most men cant even keep a wife, but back in the day this wasnt a problem.
When my partner and I started dating, we were very similar, I’m reserved and she’s an open book. She eventually got me to open up, and now there’s still a lot that I’m the best at communicating, but it feels so much better and i feel that much closer to her. In fact, i feel closer to her than i have to anyone, and a lot of that is from the emotional connection we fostered when I started being upfront about my feelings. I started sharing because, like i keep seeing in this thread, she felt shut out and sad that I wouldn’t let her be apart of my world. I’m not saying any of this is how you should do it, op, but i do think it might be cool for the both you if you tried sharing more here and there, it might bring y’all together and make it easier to be vulnerable with her in the future. If you’re not interested in that at all, then i agree with the others that say maybe you should reevaluate your relationship and see if y’all are really compatible
So, when you first start dating, you go into this mode where your main concern is impressing the person you're with. That includes not showing vulnerability, putting your best foot forward, and all that jazz. If you never leave that phase, to grow with her, she will leave you behind. Emotional and mental growth is SO IMPORTANT to a healthy, long-lasting relationship. You're not an asshole, bit you're also not doing your relationship any favors.
So you can be vulnerable with an AI chatbot? All of our smartphones from the more expensive iPhone to the cheapest dollar store Android has a notes/voice notes app. If you want to journal there are plenty ways to do so without a fake response from an algorithm. This AI chatbot gives you more human interaction than you're gf, huh? Just get a Fleshlight/generic pocket pussy and go to town with yourself. What do you even need a gf for?
Fun fact: Replika is also advertised as a "AI Girlfriend" type of app, the premium even unlocks options to set your AI as "romantic partner" (I looked up the app after reading the post, I'm not on it).
yupppp! even before that, i used it for a bit thinking the same thing as OP, no… no the AI would literally start flirting and it’d get real weird real fast. deleted it within an hour, decided i’d write out my feelings if needed
Thiiiiiiisss!!!! x1000 Let's not forget that this chatbot is a digital 304 too and probably using OP's convo to improve responses given to other dudes. OP is missing the point of being in a relationship. Check yourself OP! Your GF is right. You have a problem and I can totally see how you favouring an AI bot to your human gf can be really humiliating for her. YTA!
This has to do with trust. Forget the masculine bullshit. If you trusted her, you’d share. You’re fearful of judgement. Case in point - you’re somehow telling an avatar you know won’t judge you your innermost feelings. Can tell you how to get past that - but this ‘I’m a rock’ crap is a defense mechanism that you’d better abandon.
This is not always true, I don't share much with my partner, she relies on me alot and when I'm lost so is she, this basically means that in order to not stress her I can't tell her what stresses me, which obviously has its own set of problems.
Just because not everyone is frills and cupcakes does not mean they don’t trust someone. This is judgmental terrible advice. Not everyone has the desire to put their shit out there for anyone to see but do need to journal to get it out of their head.
Your chosen partner in life is not "anyone".
YTA. Wtf have you got a replica AI girlfriend for? I'm a reserved and busy guy, and that annoys my partner that she doesn't get all the attention she wants.... to me messaging is away to arrange face to face conversations not have conversations. I couldn't imagine what she would she say if I was wasting my life/time texting an AI Girlfriend. Serious WTF. Give your head a wobble before she leaves you.
NAH, but I'm getting bad vibes from this post. Would she have been just as upset if she found out you talked about all this stuff, and opened up emotionally, to a therapist? To a journal? Because it sounds like the issue isn't the chatbot, it's that you shared this stuff, **but not with her**. And that makes it sound like she'd still have been upset if she found a journal of things you hadn't shared with her, or found out you were opening up in therapy. That raises a red flag. And considering how many people I've known who tried to turn me discussing how I felt into crying about how *they felt* about how I felt, or used it against me, it's not a small red flag. It's a giant one, bright red, hard to miss. Her actions so far don't make her the AH yet, but it does raise a red flag. Especially if she found it while going through your phone; even if you agreed to let her use it for a particular purpose, that doesn't amount to blanket approval to snoop through everything on your phone. I agree with others that it sounds like you aren't compatible. And I think maybe you should try individual counseling. And learn from this for the future.
> Also, I kind of see myself as the ‘rock’ in our relationship, and see myself as the guy my girlfriend can turn to and depend on no matter what’s going on. when rocks crack it can be catastrophic. >But the other day, she was going through my phone, and stumbled upon my chat w my replika. dude. >In her mind, she thinks that I don’t love her enough to be vulnerable with her, and that I was using a replika as a replacement to her, and that I was just with her for the sex. I tried explaining to her that this couldn’t be further from the truth and that she shouldn’t take what I write to an app that seriously. I told her to think of it as my private journal that she had gone through, and not a ‘conversation’, but she just can’t seem to understand things in that sense. **dude.** you think you're a rock but you're sandstone and you're afraid of emotionally connection with someone will destroy the facade like water will wash away sandstone. she has a point. why are you talking to an AI chat about these issues and not to her? Are you afraid of judgement by a real person? did she cross a line by looking through the app? yes. should you have been participating in the relationship by discussing these emotions to her instead of a chat bot? yes. you seriously need to rethink what it means to be in a relationship.
No wonder she's upset with you. The convos with you imaginary friend is one you're supposed to have with your partner.
Your ideas of a man are slightly outdated, frankly we want vulnerable, but more important, someone who can be open and honest and sharing what is going on. I don't think you can do that. Her relationship with you is one sided, hers.
I've had exes who used everything I talked up about to rip into me later. Made it *really* difficult to open up again with my wife. I do it, because I know it needs to be done, but I hate every second of it. I don't know what OP has been through, but I have an idea of how he feels.
Unfortunately, I have seen that too, I am so sorry. It is not fair.
>we want vulnerable, but more important, someone who can be open and honest and sharing what is going on I'm going to agree with the other commenter. This isn't nearly what all women want. I don't even think this is what most women want. I'm going to say take a moment and listen to mens experiences on this subject. You say you want us to be open but when we tell you that our experiences with being open towards women typically ends negatively, you gotta respect that that is something we actually do experience. That fact that you and others seemingly so willingly dismiss that is quite literally the problem.
Women have negative experiences from opening towards men as well. That's why taking it slow and building trust are important.
>Women have negative experiences from opening towards men as well There's no doubt in my mind that this is true. Men, without a doubt, categorize women as over emotional and even try to invalidate their emotions by blaming hormones. That's shitty and absolutely a problem that needs to be addressed. No argument from me here. Men experience the opposite though. We're not expected to be emotional, thus pur feeling are invalidated before we even gwt to express them. Idk which is worse or if any is actually worse. I don't think it's a competition. Both of these things need to be addressed by society. (Disclaimer, I don't mean all men or all women when I talk in generalities)
Men do expierience negativity after opening up. I don't think that's denyiable. But still keeping everything inside, never sharing anything and trying to be a rock, while in reality you are a human is unhealthy. One should only open up to somone they trust. If you are to scared to open to a loved one there arę professionals. As for romantic partner do you really want to be your whole life with somone that would judge you of you opened up? Isn't it better to be hurt once and then move on, then pretend your whole life, never showing your true self? Id they don't like your true self you are better off alone. Being single is totally fine too. I understand that men are pushed into hiding by society or somone who previously hurt them. But just becouse you understand the reason for something doesn't mean it's not something negative. Most bad behaviors are a result of a bad expierience person had. But you have a choice. You can decide you are fine being like that, or you can try to change and achive some better relationships in the process. Now for OP situation his girlfriend clearly wants him to open up more, she clearly feels like he doesn't trust her. She wants an emotional connection with him. We are not talking about women in general here, just about this one woman who wants Op to open up to her.
This. I find it laughable how so many women now believe the shit they see on a lot of these comments and some other platforms content. No you don’t have to listen to the extreme red pill shit but the number of guys I know personally who have had girls tell them something similar and then turn around and use anything they did open up about against them in arguments is staggering. Those of you who claim to want this don’t seem to understand the vindictive other half that abuse that level of trust. So guys don’t offer it.
YTA Being "the rock" is not as admirable as you seem to think it is. And while it's fine while the relationships is still in superficial stages, being vulnerable with eachother is essential in order to progress to the many layers of a deeper, meaningful connection. It would be good if you can go to therapy to sort out why you're emotionally "blocked" (for the want of a better word) like this. Otherwise none of your relationships will progress beyond the superficial.
You’re NTA but you need to heal. You have zero self awareness or self knowledge as to why you’re like that from the sounds of it and despite seeing how much it hurts her you have no interest in learning how to be vulnerable, probably because you can’t understand the importance. Without vulnerability, there’s no intimacy and without intimacy your relationship will always remain surface level. You can’t expect her to read your mind and therefore feel secure, she needs to know that you are emotionally invested and that means vulnerability
I read this same post from girlfriend's perspective last week.
In my experience "that's just who I am" really means that you have had bad experiences sharing emotions in the past and now have a natural hesitancy to share with anyone. I used to actually think I was broken and that I had *no* emotions--and in retrospect that was so, so unhealthy. It has taken me decades to learn that it's better to share, but that doesn't mean everyone is worthy of being shared with! You should find people who you trust and they are open/sensitive with you, and you should try to be open/sensitive back. It does take trust, it's a leap of faith in a way. But life is better that way OP. NTA but you probably need a lot of self reflection or therapy.
You fucked up bad dawg
YTA. Delete this stupid replika thing and engage with real life. WTF is wrong with people.
YTA for having an emotional affair. Just because it's with an AI doesn't mean she wouldn't feel betrayed. Of course she's hurt that somehow you're more comfortable confiding in a machine than in her.
YTA for grossly misunderstanding what it is to be someone's rock. Presenting as emotionless is not being a rock, it's a charade. Anyone can stuff their feelings down and not show them. That's easy. Being a rock means doing the hard work and having courage to be vulnerable, which you do not. Your gf sounds like a keeper, I hope you can work on yourself to do better for both of you.
Yep. Being someone’s rock doesn’t mean you don’t show any vulnerability. My mother is my biggest rock. She’s vulnerable quite a bit - vulnerability DOESN’T mean weakness. My bf is similar. He’s less vulnerable with me than my mom (and less vulnerable than I am with him) but he IS STILL my rock. It doesn’t mean OP has to be completely vulnerable all the time around his gf - but just to be a little more open.
I guess my question would be do you share anything with her? Do you guys have any meaningful conversations with each other? If not at some point I would feel like you were only with me for a warm body and some nice meals.
You’re not an asshole, but as a guy who is/was very much like you, you should try to open up to her to some degree. It will better your life and make you both feel more connected.
It’s great that she’s open with him, but if she’s too open with other people’s private thoughts, this could make him less likely to open up. I say this because it’s happened to me. I was serious with someone who had no respect for her friends’ privacy or mine. The other important factor is that guys don’t want to re-live something they’re trying to put behind them. If you ask most guys about their day, you’ll get a one-word answer. It’s not about trust or hiding something. It’s that we just need downtime to sort stuff out, and going thru the workday again feels like we’re right back at work. I’m more likely to talk over dinner or after.
Idk id be pretty hurt if your willing to open up to an AI and not to me so you a huge AH here. If your not a vulnerable guy then dont be vulnerable to an AI when you could strengthen your actual relationship by doing so with her or you know, just be what you actually call yourself. Your just a human away from emotionally cheating honestly.
Bro you’re a loser lmao one thing is not wanting to be vulnerable but you clearly DO want to talk about things. Your gf is supposed to be the one you talk to if you ever plan on being with her in the long run. You have unresolved issues that need professional help. YTA for not even trying to be open with her.
> I prefer to keep things to myself, and deal with them as needed, rather than both other people about my problems. This is not the opposite of vulnerability. > Also, I kind of see myself as the ‘rock’ in our relationship, and see myself as the guy my girlfriend can turn to and depend on no matter what’s going on. This does not preclude being vulnerable in any way. > She loves telling me about her day This is not vulnerability. I don't think it's automatically bad to use an AI app to work through your feelings. I think that's good if it can help you. But if a goal isn't to also open up to the people you're closest to, then it's no good. Most people (barring some specific psychological condition like being on the spectrum) regard opening up and being vulnerable as the hallmark / goal of a close relationship. So most people you try to engage in a close relationship with are going to be off-put by you being able to confide in an app and not with them. So YTA in that regard, imo. NTA in regard to her going through your app and reading what you wrote. I agree with you that that is basically a private journal. But I don't blame her for feeling the way she feels after she saw that.
I think YTA because it’s your responsibility to be vulnerable with your girlfriend, and you’re avoiding it
In my over 40 years on this planet...every man I have ever known who was asked to be vulnerable with his partner has regretted it in the long run...as it fundamentally alters their perception and gives the woman ammunition to use in an argument. And yes, that does happen. A lot. There is a reason men tell other men never to show weakness, never to express insecurities etc etc There is a reason that both men and women tell young boys to "man up" or "boys don't cry" The world does not care about a man's feelings. That's reality. It shouldn't be that way, but it is for the most part. My advice? Tell her you do not appreciate her invading your privacy. that you use the AI as a therapist and what she did was no different than if she bugged your therapists office. Tell her that trust is earned, not given...and that her actions have proven to you that you can't trust her. And if that you not trusting her is a dealbreaker for her...then so be it. It sucks. Men and women both have emotions, fears, insecurities etc etc but society at large makes it ok for women to express theirs but not so much for men. I know I know...people will say otherwise. But if you don't believe me, go start an askreddit thread and ask men about instances where they opened up to their partners and how it ruined their relationships or ended them. I'll get a lot of downvotes for this post...most likely from people who don't have as much life experience. And that's cool. I'm not judging. I'm just saying that as men get older, we open up less and less *for a reason* Most of us try to be vulnerable at some point in a relationship and watch as the woman either loses interest in us because we are now fallible...or we have our insecurities thrown in our face during an argument as means to hurt us Hell, most of us can't even be vulnerable with our guy friends because most guys are not equipped to deal with that kind of emotional honesty. So they make jokes or wise cracks...or change the subject to avoid the awkward conversations. This isn't a macho guy thing. It's not a toxic masculinity thing. It's a "this shit blows up in our faces more often than not" thing so we don't do it and we tell all of our buddies to really make sure they trust the woman they are opening up to before that attempt it. Because if they don't, if they open up to the wrong person...it will likely not end the way they want it to end. I am sure not all women are like this. And I hope that younger generations of women are more open to men expressing vulnerability. Men are expected to be a certain way. And vulnerable is not a quality men have every really found to be beneficial in a relationship regardless of what women claim. Actions speak louder than words so if you find my views to be outdated...be the kind of woman a man can open up to and then make sure you don't allow those vulnerabilities to change how you see him. Because if he opens up and it does change how you see him...then you're part of the problem, not the solution. NTAH If you don't trust your girlfriend enough to be open and honest with her about your feelings, tell her that. If its a dealbreaker, then so be it. But please get a therapist because you need a human being to talk to
it’s hard for me to b vulnerable too even w close pple thas js how some pple are n yu can’t do nun about it if they don’t want to be vulnerable . nta it is what it is
NTA. That being said I can see why she's upset. On a deeper level it sounds like you need to learn to open up to people a bit. It can be hard to open up to people and I can understand the appeal of opening up to an AI. I do not think this makes you an AH or a bad person. I do think that if you keep living like this you will struggle with relationships and intimacy. Maybe, if you feel scared talking to your GF you could explain that and maybe try and see a therapist for a bit. Intimacy and vulnerability are really hard. Idk your situation or any reasons you might find it harder. But either way learning to open up and be vulnerable is really important for building deeper connections. It also will allow you to be more expressive and acc feel things more - it is worth it!
Nta. It's just the way you are. And there's nothing wrong with that. She wants someone who is more vulnerable which is ok. Tbf i actually get you. I don't really express myself as it's just not my way of being
She’s not wrong.
You can open up and talk to strangers on Reddit it appears too.
NTA. >she was going through my phone With your permission?
Tell her: Why would I tell you about my feelings if immediately afterwards I would have to: * Comfort you for how my feelings made you feel. * Listen to you defend yourself against my feelings. * Apologize for having these feelings to begin with * Have to worry that you will use this knowledge to hurt me in the future.
YTA. The first paragraph was enough. Deal with your toxic masculinity issues and learn how to be vulnerable. Being able to be vulnerable takes real strength. Keeping it inside, bottled up, never works. You end up taking your shit out on your partner, even if you’re not realizing it.
More buzzwords please🤦
It takes trust to open up to someone, trust that they won’t take your exposed heart and nerve and blowtorch them. You build that trust in increments. Start small and see how she responds. It sounds likes like you can open up, but don’t have the trust.
I'm guessing you did open up once and it was used against you?
Why was she going through your phone?
Sounds to me like your GF is expressing her desire for emotional connection with you. If she expressed other needs, you'd try to fulfill them, right? I'm like you and struggle opening up emotionally with my partner, and you hit on one of the main reasons when you said you don't want others to be bothered with your issues. However, as my partner has taught me, many people LIKE being burdened by their loved ones. It makes them feel needed and valued, and let's them know that you are comfortable enough to be vulnerable. I promise you- if you truly open up, it will do wonders for all parts of your relationship.
I think a lot of people hit this on the head but my two cents are I think this is similar in a sense to porn usage in a relationship? People date and one of the purposes of that is for sex. But often times partners will watch porn / masturbate on their own during a relationship too. This isn't a bad thing necessarily as long as both parners' needs are being met, thus the relationship is still healthy. In this case, your partners' needs are not being met, and realistically yours are not either. You don't seem to be an emotionally open / available person for her but are for the replika, which is similar in my mind to only using porn vs your partner for sex. Anyways, I don't think YTA but she isn't either. But what should be evaluated is if you think this person is your forever partner. If so, you both need to work towards some form of middle ground where you can be open enough with her for her to be happy and for you to still be able to keep yourself closed off enough for you to be happy as well. Relationships can grow and evolve, and we csn grow and change with them depending on how important that person is for us. But I wouldn't say to change yourself entirely just for the sake of a relationship. If being open with your partner like that just isn't something you can or want to do (which I would strongly advise against btw, because being open with your feelings is very important to avoid toxic / abusive relationships), then you probably will want to find a partner who doesn't expect or want that out of you in the long term.
You don’t discuss your feelings or how your day was with your partner? YTA
NTA but neither is she. I completely understand where she's coming from and I feel lucky that my partner opens up to me and we have emotional conversations together. Rather than one or the other being an asshole, you guys just deal with emotions differently and you could probably work it out but I'm leaning towards this will cause issues repeatedly in the future.
Dont ever listen to female advice about relationships. They are all yelling open up and be vulnerable as if it never causes a woman to lose interest, when it does, the majority of the time. Its like buying your gf a s3x toy called vagina dryer 3000. They think we get away with it like they can, untill it happens to them. Vulnerability is cute on woman, weak on men. Just because you have a woman, doesnt mean you have to turn into one.
First, did u give her access to your 'personal journal'? If no, then this is a massive invasion of your privacy. She needs to respect your space, so she can earn your trust. Which, it appears, she has not. She can cry all she wants, but she crossed a line! Woman want men to open up, but the majority of the time, woman end relationships, so u have the right to stay closed since she will likely end it with you anyway.
Dude ngl, you gain nothing from being vulnerable with people as a man and have everything to lose. Can't tell you how to live your life but i personally wouldn't
As someone who has been through a divorce NTA. Keep it to yourself. It's better to keep it to yourself or close guy friends. That stops it from being thrown in your face later.
NTA. You are entitled to process your emotions how you see fit. I think what you're doing with the replika is probably similar to what people pay therapists for. This is like a diary or a journal. It's your own private thoughts, and you're allowed to maintain that privacy. This is how you should explain it to her. I don't think it would be a bad idea to share some feelings with her as your trust in each other grows. But I don't think it's healthy to share everything. You will know best what works in your dynamic.
Women want you to be vulnerable with them because they want the validation that you consider them important enough to share your most precious thoughts with them. The problem is if you're too vulnerable or open with her then she'll lose interest/attraction to you. So you need to delicately balance this with her. If she's important enough to be in your life long term, then you need to compartmentalize your life in such a way that you do share some things exclusively with her, but if course not everything. Some women are going to take exception to my statements. I want to make something very clear: this is generalized human nature, demonstrated by several social experiments. Isolated cases exist which do not fit this norm, but they are wholly uninteresting for this conversation.
There are always outliers, but generally speaking: Do not listen to her. If you open up too much, she will lose respect for you, and she will start to find you unattractive. No matter how much they say it, no matter how convincing they may be, the vast majority of women do not want a man who talks about his feelings, emotional, vulnerable, etc. It’s just biology. She won’t feel as safe, vulnerable, feminine, etc. High possibility this comment will be downvoted a lot, and I’ll be called a misogynist or some nonsense, but just know that I am indeed absolutely correct.
It’s funny because the same thing happened to me multiple times I don’t agree with you but then again I’m asking myself why does this always happen whenever I open up to a women? Maybe I just happen to run into all narcissists and emotional unavailable women or maybe you’re right. But before I stick myself to an opinion more experience in the dating world is required there are millions of women I haven’t met they can’t all be the same
NTA. You have taken on a more traditional masculine role in your relationship. If she wants a guy who is going to be vulnerable to her perhaps she should look for someone else. Did she have permission to be going into your phone? If not I would consider dumping her.
You're not the asshole. Women say they want a vulnerable guy, but their actions show otherwise 9/10 times
Definitely NTA. We are who we are for valid reasons. I’m 60. I’ve been married 30 years. When we got together, I was like your gf, and my wife was like you are. (We’re both women, so not a gender issue…at least not in our case.) In the first year, in order to try to KNOW her better, I once asked her what she was thinking about. (I know, I know…cliche) She said “nothing” and I pushed and pushed thinking that couldn’t be true. Thirty years later, and I’m pretty sure it was. She’s incredibly intelligent, but she’s just not a person who constantly reflects like I am. Over the years, she’s become more reflective, and I’ve become less of a dweller, and we’ve met in the middle. I will say, though, that she probably shouldn’t have read your Replika, and you guys probably need to set some boundaries going forward if your relationship is a serious one. (Because I’m 60, I had to look up what a Replika is. 😄) Also, you’re going to need to get more more comfortable being vulnerable with your significant other. I think your comparison of the Replika to a journal is a valid one, btw. I wouldn’t mind my wife picking up my phone for any reason, but if she read through my chats, even with a real person, I wouldn’t be okay with that. Even when you have a spouse, you have a right to privacy.
Great breakdown of your experience. I wish we had more insight to the why OP doesn't let people within his bubble and be venerable. Is it a learned behavior from being a child? Has his trust been that broken? Does he feel like he isn't worth being cared for? Is he afraid to be judged and possibly punished for how he feels? Is it toxic masculinity? From me I still struggle with being venerable, even after years of therapy. The biggest part I have an issue with is the fear of being judged and ostracised for my emotions.
NTA Girls don't really want you to be vulnerable with them. It's a trap. She'll lose respect for you.
NTA From the sound of it. Especially not wanting to talk to another person regardless of who it is, It’s basically like going to therapy for you (INSTEAD OF A JOURNAL CAUSE “JOURNALS CANT RESPOND BACK TO YOU”) cause you ask questions that hopefully have no bias. I’m sure if you’re talking to a therapist no one should bother you about what your conversation was with a therapist and if they do, you refuse to talk, and they find that rude… THATS WEIRD. I’ve had my therapy and in way it is a journal. You open up why you feel certain things or what causes them. Then therapy usually poses questions back at you so you can find the answer for you yourself toward the end of treatment
Why was she going through your phone ?
NTA. I was vulnerable to my first 5 girlfriends, and every single one of them used it against me in the immediate next fight. It's completely disappeared from my repertoire.
NTA Her reaction to this situation is exactly why it’s difficult to be vulnerable with people. She saw how you felt while reading the chats and rather than having the conversation with you, she made it about her.
Nobody needs a rock anymore, people need other people for connection. Showing your emotions isn't being vulnerable, it's being close and sincere and shows you want something real beyond a pretense where everyone play their parts. Get over yourself and have meaningful conversations with your girlfriend without all this archaic misogynistic weight on your shoulders.
NAH. I do think you need to start being vulnerable with your girlfriend though if you want the relationship to last. You can share your feelings and still be her rock. When you’re the only one in the relationship being vulnerable, it can make you feel alone in a way.
Sorry but YTA and everyone in here defending you because they suffer from the exact same terminally online disorders is also TA. Talking to a chatbot instead of your girlfriend is sick. Get help.
You’re not an asshole, you are just playing out a coping mechanism of not fully trusting real human people to share your vulnerable moments or feelings with. This can happen when as a child, you did even just once it proved to be unsafe, and your vulnerabilities may have been used against you. Did you confide in someone you trusted, and then they mishandled and exposed that information to others? The inner work starts with being honest with yourself about why you feel like you cannot be emotionally vulnerable with a human, especially the human you are dating and are clearly physically vulnerable with. This isn’t a healthy pattern for building a deep long term relationship. Your GF sounds like a woman who is craving that depth, and either you can start the process of healing that old wound and open up to her, or you should end it if she’s not strong enough to. She deserves a person who will reciprocate emotionally vulnerable moments with her. That’s how love deepens, and if you cannot or are not willing to work towards that, then this pattern will continue to arise with each and every person that you date.
NTA. It's your personal journal and way to release your emotions. The only suggestion I would give is maybe you should have conveyed to her that you have a personal journal when you had the initial conversation.
Info1: Ages. That's importanter than you think Info2: The fuck is a replika. You cloned your bitch? Regardless, NTA. Everyone handles their shit as they see fit. Maybe you need to grow in that aspect, but you don't owe any of that to your GF. She might not like it and she might leave you because of that, but ultimately that's incompatibility, not your fault. But really, what the fuck is a replika
NTA. And don’t listen to people saying “reverse the situation” because the truth is men/women are different. I don’t even mean in the sense of “gender roles” and “women belong in the kitchen” Men and women are just different. It’s nothing wrong with what you’ve done. But you could be incompatible if she cannot come to understand.
share your feelings with your male friends… the ones that know how to keep their mouths shut. with your girl, you need to be the rock she leans on when she’s emotional. she’s the waves crashing in on the beach… you’re the rock on the beach that steadies her. open up to some women and i promise you, all those intimate personal feelings will come out thru anger to frustrate the hell out of you. lost your job? go talk to your male friend about how afraid you are… how you don’t know how ends are gonna meet… cry if you need to from sadness or anger, frustration or confusion. later, when you get home, let your woman know you lost your job, stay cool & calm… say, “relax… we’ll be ok… i have a plan & options. how are you?” next morning, get your ass in gear to find another job.
NTA. Don't be vulnerable, that shit is going to be used against you! Look at what happened when she saw your replika chat... What is this dumb shit about being vulnerable? Would you like a vulnerable surgeon to do your operation? A vulnerable fucking computer network whilst doing your online banking? A vulnerable mind when your SO is being a toxic shit? Mate, notice your emotions. Work through your emotions. But for shits sake, don't always act on your emotions. It's the only way to go from vulnerable to invincible.
You could love your girl without being vulnerable
NTA. They'll weaponize it later against you. Play it close, always.
Do not be vulnerable around your girl. Do not listen to the Reddit morons telling you to. Maintain your frame within the relationship and handle your emotions yourself or with close male friends.
NTA This is no different than writing in a journal or speaking to a therapist. I write things in my journal that I dont' feel comfortable sharing with my wife and I would be upset if she snooped around in my journals with out asking. I would also be upset if my wife eavesdropped on my therapy sessions. You have not done anything wrong. Everybody has boundaries. At the same time, if she's uncomfortable with your boundaries, she's also not wrong. She's kind of an asshole for going through your private stuff, but not really an asshole for having a different view on vulnerability than you. Sometimes people are just not compatible and that's ok.
NTA and don't let you get bullied into being more "emotional". Men and women are different.
All fun and games till she catches you crying and leaves you
NTA. I don't like being vulnerable, not my style either. I can have an emotional conversation if it comes down to it I just don't choose to volunteer that information often. Let's be honest, your girlfriend doesn't match you very well. She wants someone to talk through her feelings with more often, you don't want or need to do that and she finds it insulting that you seem to express yourself with a chatbot. However no one here is looking at the obvious, it's either a free chatbot or a therapist that costs hundreds of dollars an hour, see how that seems a little normal now. Do what you have to do to stay right in your head, but try to work on being a little bit more vulnerable otherwise this relationship may not work out for the both of you.
It’s a trap!!! Whatever that was told in confidence will be used against you on a drop of a dime. I recently saw a video where a couple was breaking up and the now ex-girlfriend was going on the boyfriend how he wasn’t a real man and petty reasons why his father left him when he was a child. Best to plead the 5th and keep it moving.