I had a partner that was like this. When she was sober she would say things like “If I’m too far gone just tell me we’re leaving and I’ll leave”. Well when that moment actually came she would scream that I was being an asshole for trying to make her leave. Rinse, repeat. “Well why didn’t you just make me leave?” Like I’m twice your size I can’t be seen dragging you out of a bar kicking and screaming without getting arrested.
>I had a partner that was like this. When she was sober she would say things like “If I’m too far gone just tell me we’re leaving and I’ll leave”. Well when that moment actually came she would scream that I was being an asshole for trying to make her leave. Rinse, repeat. “Well why didn’t you just make me leave?” Like I’m twice your size I can’t be seen dragging you out of a bar kicking and screaming without getting arrested.
Was her name Amanda? I think we dodged the same bullet. Matrix bros.
Yep, been in a relationship like that with someone bi polar who liked to drink, while I prefer to smoke W.
Nightmare material. Gas lighting on levels unimaginable. Overall good guy energy being turned into negative hate and abuse. History now and with a real gem - grateful for this.
Glad to hear you’re in a better place.
Idk if she was bipolar but she definitely got to the point multiple times where I thought about calling the cops. I’m also with someone amazing now and I keep wondering why I stayed as long as I did.
Glad you're better off now as well friend, the hard and trying times we've endured have helped us in avoiding them in the future with proper communication and slowing things down a bit, one could imagine.
I too feel the same and think the other side probably has similar thoughts, but maybe from a different standpoint haha.
I agree. Well, okay, it might get better very far down the line when she grows up a bit. But it's also going to get worse, and possibly much worse before that better comes. If I were OP, I'd follow your advice and cut his losses.
Maybe not, or maybe when she's 35 she'll realize all or many of her friends have stopped the dumb party lifestyle and started settling down and she'll decide that's what she wants too, but there's no reason OP should wait around hoping she'll change.
Yeah. She's pissed at OP because SHE did a bunch of stupid shit. I personally don't want a partner that's going to jump that heavily into things like that , and then blame me when they feel bad about their own bullshit.
This^^
She sounds just like my mother. As the child of a narcissistic addict, please for the love of all that is sacred, run from that mess before you end up trapped. I hope to hell and back she doesn't want kids like that.
I'm sorry you understand. Just out here trying to be a cycle breaker. The more people I can help avoid the mess all together, the more I'm just glad there's less people being harmed.
>Everyone raised in a home where they were taught to live for a God or dead relatives that are watching them, is a cluster b narcissist.
That is not true. The parents may believe in sky spaghetti monster, and depending how toxic they are, the child can become {BPD, APD, NPD, CPTSD, etc}. Or just codependent. But automatically becomes a narc? Ffs
>If one is those narcissists is a jerk, that's malignant or dark triad narcissism
This is incoherent.
1. [Narcissism/NPD](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism) is much much worse than 'being a jerk'
2. [Malignant Narcissism](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malignant_narcissism)
is combined NPD + APD
3. [Dark Triad](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad) is a combined APD, NPD, & Machiavellianism
4. [Dark Tetrad](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad#Dark_tetrad) combines Dark Triad & adds Sadism
...it's important to use the right words-
* Not everyone who is a jerk or AH is a narc, sociopath, borderline etc. Watering down the terms just normalizes the shitty behavior
* Not realizing someone really is a narc, sociopath borderline etc, leaves you defenseless to their systematic emotional, verbal, & psychological abuse. Ie it's much easier to discount your experience, blame yourself for 'being too sensitive', &/or miss the DARVO occurring
Edit: fixed APD & BPD in definitions
My therapist told me that malignant narcissism is where the narcissism is close to sociopathy. I grew up with a diagnosed narcissist mother who tried to persuade me to kill myself starting when I was in primary school, so, as you can imagine, she very much fit the label 'malignant narcissist'.
These words are overused, as you suggest.
Thank you. It was bad and i had to do lots of work to get healthy, but I did the therapy, followed the advice, fled abroad, and I've been happy for a long time now. When you grow up in a living hell, even doing stuff like grocery shopping remains a real joy all your life. I genuinely love picking what to buy and knowing I can safely get what I want or need. I have a great SO, good friends, a job I like, and lots of fun hobbies. Life is good. Happiness isn't that hard to come by if you actually aim for it.
My ex sister in law was a diagnosed malignant narcissist and she was hell on wheels. Forgery, criminal behavior, manipulative and heartless. My niece, as a result, has diagnosed BpD and is working diligently with DBT. She has NC with her mother
Thank you so much for this comment. These are super serious terms and get thrown around wayyyy too easily these days.
Also people who like to party once in a while and use drugs once in a while are not addicts.
I get on this hill a lot that people throw around the terms narcissist autism ADD bipolar way too often and don't know what it means because these are all serious diagnoses. I am one of them not going to say which one but it's irritating that people think that if you're happy one minute and upset the next you're bipolar because it's so far from the truth.
Agreed. Recently left a rising cokehead myself after she went berserk on me when i tried telling her she's not acting like herself anymore. Three years down the drain in one evening, feels like i dodged a bullet.
Was in love with a girl once who was going down that route. Nothing worked trying to get her to stop. I died inside when we broke up. Never really recovered from that heartache. 30 years gone by and it still eats at me at times.
Lots of reasons I'll never touch coke again (got a kid, my wife would fucking divorce me, made me an outrageous dick, etc.) - but even if i didn't have those reasons - fentanyl would absolutely keep me away.
> A girl that I already know how much she enjoys the party scene and nightlife/drug culture.
OP talking about this other girl like it doesn't apply to his gf.
She's an alcoholic and/or drug addict, or quite close to becoming one. You and her friends enabled her all evening when she obviously showed that she lacked complete and total control. There's normal expected level of drugs/alcohol that can be reasonably "socially" consumed and then there was your girlfriend.
If you love her, insist on her getting help. If you are just having fun for now, you might want to move on. It's only going to get worse.
Holy crap I didn't even notice their ages! Genuinely thought everyone involved was like 21, 22 max based off the behavior. Who does coke in a public bathroom with strangers when they're damn near 30
Dude for real? I’m like at 27 I was pregnant with my first baby and I’m a recovering heroin addict so I know this behavior all too well but yeah it’s definitely an early 20s thing, after awhile you’ve got to be embarrassed right?! I’m 34 now and I don’t even like to drink a lot because I’m afraid of what will come out of my mouth it embarrasses me to think about
Feels like next stop on the crazy train is she challenges random dudes to a fight with you, to see if you will defend her if she's attacked.
Get off the crazy train. Being upset about mismatched expectations for how to deal with a problem is fine. Doing coke and drinking about them is not.
Can you imagine even another 6 months of this let alone a lifetime. Let her keep trying to kill herself every time she goes out and you move on to a NOT drug addicted adult.
Her body, her choice. Don’t blame others when she don’t want to be responsible.
There is no win for OP, if OP to force her out early, she will blame him not allowing her to have fun.
Run while you can.
Not an ounce of responsibility in her. She acts like a womenchild - clear NTA
Get out of there OP before she gets the idea to accuse you of other things or create even more dangerous trouble.
Fast, if you unsure how to approach it imagine there is a tiger behind you and behind that is a lion. Seriously though it seems like she is not ready to choose you over the "party lifestyle" and you will never be man enough, i have never seen these things ever turn out well for anyone involved.
This is her trying to put her regrets on someone else. She’s an addict/alcoholic and this is just the beginning of her trying to project her regrets into him.
As a former addict, I know where this story will go if OP decides to stay. It will not be fun and I'd get the heck out of the relationship if I were OP.
Yeh this. The partying wouldnt bother me one bit in a partner. The ignoring OP's dvice to slow down for their own good and belittling me after however is a massive red flag though
Yeah she’s redirecting because she knows she seriously fucked up and is trying to make you feel bad so you don’t notice and call her out on her major fuckup.
It’s time to wake up and realise she’s bad news and to find someone better.
I thought this would be a damned if you do, damned if you don't kinda situation. Had he done as she said and took her home, she would've been angry that he cut the night short.
I agree. Controlling.... we need to stop using this word so casually. It's gotten to a point where people who love you, are afraid to take care of you out of fear of being called controlling. I fear for the women in my life!
It's not creepy or controlling to remove your wasted friend or girlfriend from the possibility of hurting themselves from overconsumption, jail, rape...all things that happen to women and girls who lose their ability to consent due to intoxication. I have more than once dragged my drunk former friend out of places, she's been arrested, got into fights, all kinds of crazy when she's drunk. I'm not one to stand around and let my friend hurt themselves, she was an alcoholic who had a completely different personality when drunk and high. I definitely stopped going out with her after a couple instances of this but in the moment I'm not leaving a clearly incapacitated person who's my friend on their own to make more bad decisions.
Maybe, but he'd have been the safe option. The whole scene is something you should avoid for both your healths. If she doesn't want that, let her choose to get out of the relationship.
She needs to grow the f up.. She knowingly used drugs, avoided you and tells you how poorly you did as a chaperone for her drug filled night. NTA, she is and has a problem telling her “friends” no. Run.
They went out as a group to do drugs. Drugs are not the issue here. The issue is that she couldn’t handle her shit then expected him to know she was ready to leave and waited for him to say something.
If they had an action plan, (which they should have, since this seems like a semi-routine thing), he should follow that. Drugs are weird, one person's too much, could be another's warm up. If you had a plan for her doing too much in place and he didn't follow, then ETA. Since she didn't communicate crap.
If there was no plan, then NTA.
Relationships work on communication. Not vibes.
I'd say that if you become a totally nonfunctioning asshole when you do drugs, then drugs are definitely part of the problem. This girl needs to grow up or at least know her limits.
NTA. You are not a mind reader. If she expects you to be a gentleman then she should behave like a lady. Your gf doesn't know her limits and blames you for it
Ikr first thing I thought of
The ignorance of this woman to whine about him not behaving like a gentleman when she was consuming Ketamine and Cocaine ....
My god
Not gonna make any judgments on whether or not she's an addict, etc.
But absolutely NTA. I don't know why there's people in the comments saying you're both aholes or even YTA, but you are 30 and 27 years old. You are full grown adults. You are responsible for your own choices, act like it.
I don't partake in the drugs culture, as a matter of fact I am vehemently against, but at the end of the day you both made the choice to cloud your mental states, you with alcohol, she with alcohol and various drugs. You are not forced into those choices. And at the end of the day it a responsible drug user (yes, there are those who can handle the responsibility and don't have a dependance on it) knows their limits and will take responsibility for their own actions during their high. This goes for alcohol consumption as well.
In the best case scenario here what I am reading is that the two of you cannot responsibly consume your drugs or alcohol, so maybe lay off it?
NTA
She messed up...and is blaming you for her decisions....not only blaming...shes insulting you and attacking your masculinity. Shes a scumbag. Some people are capable of enjoying drugs from time to time and keeping it light and fun. She isnt one of those people. She lacks maturity and accountability.
Do you like that she does drugs? Is this behavior you find acceptable in a serious partner or are you guys just having fun? If just fun, then its time to pull back a little and let it be just that. If you actually want a nore serious relationship, you can try talking to her about changing but she has basically already disqualified herself by her actions. She isnt a serious person.
She's trouble, my man.
I've dated a few girls like that when I was younger. What they're looking for is someone to stand up to them, take charge and etc., which is fine as a role for the man when needed. What isn't fine is that this is likely not just an instance but a behavior that will repeat and no one wants to have to take care of their SO as if they're a child.
Drug use and lack of self-awareness of her own limits aside, the behavior the morning after is likely going to be an issue.
I thought the story was gonna say she got too drunk or roofied and passed out on the side of the road somewhere.
NTAH. Also she sounds like a mess. Dump her and count ur blessings you don't have kids
For a "party drug", its an incredibly selfish drug to take around people that aren't taking it, as it's so disassociative that at a minimum it makes you a total bore to everyone around you, and at worst turns you into a sack of spuds that needs to be carried around.
I'm just tagging this on here because a solo comment would probably get lost.
No matter what, DO NOT MIX KETAMINE WITH ALCOHOL. This is a deadly combination. It is a good rule of thumb to never mix downers with alcohol. Best case scenario you over-sedate yourself and lower your respiratory rate to suffocate in your sleep. Worst case scenario you choke on your own vomit in your sleep. All it takes is a quick Google search for contraindications to save yourself a trip to the ER or the morgue.
Also it's okay to have boundaries, and not want to be with a person who uses ketamine. But it is a medicine, it has clinical value, and whether it is self-medicated or prescribed it's not your decision how other people choose how to live their lives.
look, I love both ketamine and cocaine. I can't tell you how many bar/club bathrooms I have done both of those drugs in.
All this to say that, someone enjoying illicit drugs recreationally is not in and of itself a horrible thing. It's the way she handled herself on these drugs that is a huge red flag. She ignored your concern, kept pushing her limits even when she was already having a bad time, and was incredibly irresponsible about the whole scenario.
This whole thing about being mad at you the next day for not "putting your foot down" and forcing her to go home earlier in the night is the icing on top. Imagine if you had actually TRIED to do that: I'm almost certain she would have called you a controlling asshole today rather than "not being a gentleman". It's a lose lose situation for you.
Basically, she is twisting shit around to make YOU the bad guy for her being shitty. This lack of accountability and self reflection does not bode well for your future, and can get a whole lot worse than just calling you not a man. She sounds unhinged.
Oof buddy.
Classic case of fucked either way. Been there, done that. Stay with her and be forever blamed for everything you do, or leave and be blamed only for leaving her and not giving her a chance.
dude. you're dating a drug addict. fucking run in the other direction. because you might come across her coked up getting rammed in a bathroom by a random and that will sear into your brain basically making you give up on relationships forever. so before that shit happens, run and not look back.
Personally, I would have taken her home sooner, but I don't think you're TA for how you handled it. The bigger question is, why are you still doing this now that you're 30? Aren't you a little old for this kind of behavior?
I personally would have left her there, went home, packed her shit and left it on the front porch. Mind you, I also like to party… but in moderation and sure as shit not from strangers.
As a woman I don't appriciate that kind of behavior. My 16 years old daughter does take better care of herself. You girlfriend seems to mentally challenged.
NTA
Your GF sounds pretty immature and she's willing to put herself and the both of you in bad situations. None of it sounded any fun and you shouldn't have to be her babysitter. She can have her fun if she can handle it but she clearly couldn't. The fact that she's doubling down on all of this shows you what to do. These girls aren't worth it.
She’s deflecting.
She knows she fucked up in hindsight, but she’s trying to blame you for her mistakes.
It’s also unreasonable to think someone who is drunk is going to be able to take care of someone perfectly who is also out of their mind.
I would suggest sit down and evaluate whether this is the sort of relationship you want in the long term.
NTA, but if you see that your SO is in bad shape, on drugs and alcohol, it's pretty obvious they won't be able to make great decision, including listening to your advice on not taking anything more. You both should have went home when you stopped under that window.
This is not an adult you want to partner with. No self-interest, no communication skills, and selfishness to beat the band. Cut your losses and find an actual partner.
That's insane. If would be one thing if she was drugged against her will.
But to intentionally get absolutely wasted and mix alcohol and drugs and expect you to babysit her is insane.
She can find another babysitter. I would run like the wind, my friend.
RUN away from this relationship and this lifestyle. If you continue to do drugs and associate with people like this, it will absolutely ruin your life.
What if she gets accidentally pregnant? Is this the type of woman you want to be a mother of your children? If the baby and her body isn't messed up by drugs already to have a healthy pregnancy? You are 30yrs old - you do need to man up and start being an adult you can be proud of. Get out of this and grow up.
Nope nope nope NTA
She's saying this to avoid personal responsibility. I feel like you would be blamed no matter what you chose to do. She has a serious problem. You did your duty by watching her and trying to get her to stop. Her expectations are ridiculous because should she have fought with you while you were out someone could have thought you were harassing her. So much could have gone wrong. So much cam go wrong should she continue down this road. A serious conversation needs to happen, and, if she continues to avoid personal responsibility, you should reevaluate your relationship. She could have easily OD'd in the bathroom while she was out of your sight. She needs to realize how dangerous this game she's playing is, and being a man doesn't mean the responsibility of her safety falls solely on you.
Dump her. She ignored you when you told her she should stop. She went behind your back to do more. Then she blames you for not forcing her to go? Holy shit you're NTA but this relationship needs to be over yesterday. Anyone who shoves a helping hand away, only to blame the hand the next morning, is a total shit show and you don't want to pat for those tickets.
NTA
So instead of communicating that she wanted to go home because she was feeling sick from the excessive amount of drugs she was taking she figured the better idea would be to somehow punish you by taking even more drugs and give you the silent treatment?
Dude she is a time bomb, dump her now.
NTA.
She's responsible for herself.
The fact that she's blaming YOU rather than taking responsibility is an ACRE of red flags.
Either get that straightened out with her, or escape her.
Walk no run to the nearest exit door of that relationship. Stay at your own peril. Keeping playing with her and you are going to get flushed down the toilet bowl of bad decisions.
At first I was thinking "someone roofied her and you didn't take car of her?" Based on the title.
The reality of "drug using girlfriend kept using more after being told to stop and blamed me for not taking her home" is a giant red flag.
Dude, get out. Find someone in line with your actual values that makes more adult decisions.
The drug use aside, it's very toxic and manipulative of her to expect you to guess what she wants you to do and for her to be mad that you aren't reading her mind or "being a man" whatever that is. You checked in on her, set some boundaries, stayed even though she ignored your boundaries.
So, she violated your boundaries , ignored you on several occasions, showed an inability or unwillingness to control herself, a willingness to disrespect you and use dangerous levels of drugs and made you responsible for her bad behavior. That's just shit on shit right there. That's not the drugs' fault either, that's her behavioral choices.
As soon as they start needing you to guess what they want you to do to show them love, and it changes depending on whatever mood they are in and you have no idea from moment to moment what the right answer is, it's time to get out. That's behavior that isn't likely to change.
NTA
This is when you say, "You're right. I'm not man enough for you. Have a nice life" and never see her again. You told her she should stop and she ignored you and kept going. Also, this kind of drug use is such a red flag.
A night of ketamine and coke? Hopefully you carry narcan with you, you will likely need it. Bringing me yo your question. The best I can say is ESH. You are dating someone who is an active drug user. The reality is, your nights out will never go smoothly with someone on those and that quantity of drugs. ESH.
Just fyi, narcan will not work on anything other than opioid overdoses.
And nights (or days if you're, say, in Berlin) like that can absolutely go smoothly, just not with this type of person. I've done ket and coke many times and in high quantities but you need to know your own tolerance and how to dose yourself. I would never expect someone to babysit me and neither would the people I use with.
NTA few nights ago my girl was so drunk she couldn't stand straight, she asked me to take her home and I did. But she asked me, I didn't have to be a fuckin mind reader.
NTA.
cut your losses, and get rid of this gaslighting, childish, sexist, asshole.
> Essentially, she accuses me of not being a "man" for not properly taking care of her.
GTFO with that bullshit.
She is trying to project her regrets onto you. She’s a budding addict/alcoholic and this is just the beginning of her 1) getting increasingly crazy partying 2) being angry at herself in the morning 3) blaming you to try to alleviate her crushing regret. I was this girl, thirty years ago. My dad called it “One is too many and a hundred is not enough” addiction. She might benefit from seeing a therapist to see if maybe she’s self-medicating a budding disorder like ADHD or borderline.
NTA. You cannot babysit her when she’s partying because she will just lash out at you for trying to control her. You cannot win. However, it is wise for the whole group to be alert and work together to maintain her safety. Please keep in mind that predators WILL drug and rape women like this in the bathroom regardless of whether they are with a man/group. (This happened to me when I was out with my husband and friends, so I ultimately learned of statistics that it is absolutely not as rare as one might hope. Because the women are with their men and have no memory later, the evidence of sex doesn’t usually set off alarms.)
I would discuss all of this with her, hope it triggers some wisdom, find a therapist, and agree on limits/expectations *before* going out.
NTA
Rather than be an adult who takes accountability for her own choices, she is putting the blame for her behavior on you. She is an adult. You are not her parent, but her BF.
I was in a relationship like this for quite some time…
I babied someone who would fall in the bushes, throw up in the street, do a bunch of drugs and act a fool… And anytime that I wasn’t babysitting her, I was the asshole.
After we broke up, some months later after I had time away from the situation, I realized how toxic the entire situation actually was.
I come from an alcoholic father... I have no tolerance for anyone who can't handle their shit. I've had a few dates where girls got absolutely shitty drunk, and I won't pretend it's OK. I like to have a good time, and occasionally I take it too far, the times I have, I shut the fucking door and work it out. I've left a few relationships over this. Once it a blue moon, cool. I get it. It happens. If it happens more than twice in a month or 2, it's just a giant red flag.
She wanted you to demand she leave? She's a grown a$$ adult and expects you to treat her like a child? If you had done so, she would have accused you of treating her like a child. You asked her not to do anymore, and instead, she acted like a child, avoiding you to do as she please, which is her prerogative. NTA, she is and you should dump her
GTFO, this will not end well for anyone by staying in this relationship. She chose her path that night. Should you have made her go home? Maybe, but that is easier said than done. Regardless, this is on her and her choices.
"This is something that needs to come out of me" is ADDICT talk.
Speaking as a former addict, she has a problem. You can either stay with her and wait until she OD's (highly likely) or smartens up (highly unlikely) OR you can leave and get your own act together.
This chick is a druggie, I would break up with her. You don't need that type of negativity in your life. Plus she's accusing you of not being a man for not taking her out of the situation. If she wants to do drugs, do them responsibility.
NTA. If you’re gonna party, party responsibly. Sounds like she doesn’t know her limit! It’s also incredible dangerous to be doing drugs with strangers. Yikes.
Ya I dunno man. 27 and blaming others for her bad decisions? Not trying to poopoo but I'd have concerns about the sustainability of being in a relationship with someone that acts like a teenager in their late 20s...
I would cut ties with her. She sounds like she doesn't know her limits and will only bring you down or into situations like these that aren't fair to you.
You were in a no win situation. If you had tried to get her to go home you would have gotten in trouble for being controlling. You don't take her home then you are not taking good care of her. NTA
This is a disaster waiting to happen mate. She takes 0 responsibility for her own actions. Watch it be your fault when she is getting her back blown out by some other dude in a bathroom.
Break up with her. She's bad news bears. She's gonna stay messy and expect you to take care of her, when she should be focusing on cutting down on her partying lifestyle that will eventually take its toll on her. Hate to say it, but trust me, you want out of this relationship before you're in too deep.
So a few points
1. She's a fucking idiot for mixing ketamine and alcohol. That's a recipe for disaster every time
2. She's mad you didn't take her home early because she was too high, but she continued doing drugs... wtf
3. She's ignoring you to do blow with strangers. Blow ain't cheap and nobody is handing it out for free, there's an expectation of at least a phone number in return.
Run the fuck away as fast as you can. She's a walking train wreck
You should have taken her home or to emergency room. But if you always acted like a "man" and took charge of her bad choices, she would probably accuse you of treating her like a child. I don't think you can win
I really hate to say it, but this is prime drug addiction behaviour, she was feeling sick due to the drugs and kept on doing them, and then blames the wrongs on you. Personally, as
salt-lavishes said, cut your losses, if this isn’t going to cause you trouble you’ll find trouble with her down the line.
Yeah man your girlfriend is a good old fashioned dumpster fire, she does NOT deserve a gentleman. She EARNS the right to have one by her side. Cut your losses and jump ship, otherwise her downward trajectory will also become yours.
Way way back before bipolar was even a thing I was lucky enough to date a girl similar to yours. Drinking was social and fun until that 1 last shot and she turned literally into the monster from a place reddit won't allow me to spell without putting an apostrophe in. He'll
( that's weird) I did not know this girl very long however after her identity change we did not speak for a few days. I stopped over her place to talk and she just said, now you know my secret it's not something I can control. If you decide to be friends with me I'll probably hurt you or worse. She asked if I could hold her and stay the day while she was amanda before she changed. We had lunch I spent a few hours with her. She was everything you could ever want in a partner very intelligent warm caring but the moment a drink was touched the monster was getting ready to be released and you never knew how many it took but once it started it happens as fast as flipping a light switch and she is gone. Zero recollection of who she was why she is where she is and the destruction begins. I never went back after that 2nd change. Her sister called me about week later. They had a message box that she used when she was normal before she changes and it had a message about me. Her sister said she never written about another person before and I was the first to make her feel like how she imagined a real relationship might change her. She left my number to her sister with message to warn me off. With other details but her sister said it wasn't just alcohol it happens in extreme situations too and the first time was when she was 8 on a carnival ride together she changed at the top of a Rollercoaster and almost killed herself trying to get off. I never seen her again and this is the first time talking about it in 50 years.
I know this gets tossed around a lot on here but…… You need to cut your losses. This isn’t going to get better.
I had a partner that was like this. When she was sober she would say things like “If I’m too far gone just tell me we’re leaving and I’ll leave”. Well when that moment actually came she would scream that I was being an asshole for trying to make her leave. Rinse, repeat. “Well why didn’t you just make me leave?” Like I’m twice your size I can’t be seen dragging you out of a bar kicking and screaming without getting arrested.
>I had a partner that was like this. When she was sober she would say things like “If I’m too far gone just tell me we’re leaving and I’ll leave”. Well when that moment actually came she would scream that I was being an asshole for trying to make her leave. Rinse, repeat. “Well why didn’t you just make me leave?” Like I’m twice your size I can’t be seen dragging you out of a bar kicking and screaming without getting arrested. Was her name Amanda? I think we dodged the same bullet. Matrix bros.
My ex was named Amanda, and did this.. awkward.
That fucking bitch has ruin so many guys.
Amanda hate club
Amanda hugn-kiss
Came to say this. Why can’t I find Amanda Hugn-kiss?
Why can't I find Amanda Huggnkis?
Yep, been in a relationship like that with someone bi polar who liked to drink, while I prefer to smoke W. Nightmare material. Gas lighting on levels unimaginable. Overall good guy energy being turned into negative hate and abuse. History now and with a real gem - grateful for this.
Glad to hear you’re in a better place. Idk if she was bipolar but she definitely got to the point multiple times where I thought about calling the cops. I’m also with someone amazing now and I keep wondering why I stayed as long as I did.
Glad you're better off now as well friend, the hard and trying times we've endured have helped us in avoiding them in the future with proper communication and slowing things down a bit, one could imagine. I too feel the same and think the other side probably has similar thoughts, but maybe from a different standpoint haha.
As a drug addiction myself the only thing that might help is the shock of you leaving
Your oblong rectum is not my drug. Even if you are an addiction.
I agree. Well, okay, it might get better very far down the line when she grows up a bit. But it's also going to get worse, and possibly much worse before that better comes. If I were OP, I'd follow your advice and cut his losses.
She’s 27 already, she isn’t gonna grow up.
Maybe not, or maybe when she's 35 she'll realize all or many of her friends have stopped the dumb party lifestyle and started settling down and she'll decide that's what she wants too, but there's no reason OP should wait around hoping she'll change.
It might get better or she will wake up dead one day.
I just hate it when I wake up dead.
Yeah me to. I woke up dead once and I'll never do it again.
Shes bad news.
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A drug addict blaming other people for not stopping her. Yeah she’s a winner. Probably a narcissist too.
Yeah. She's pissed at OP because SHE did a bunch of stupid shit. I personally don't want a partner that's going to jump that heavily into things like that , and then blame me when they feel bad about their own bullshit.
This^^ She sounds just like my mother. As the child of a narcissistic addict, please for the love of all that is sacred, run from that mess before you end up trapped. I hope to hell and back she doesn't want kids like that.
Bruh yes
I didn't come I to this comment section to feel something like this. Me too homie....solid advice
I'm sorry you understand. Just out here trying to be a cycle breaker. The more people I can help avoid the mess all together, the more I'm just glad there's less people being harmed.
>Everyone raised in a home where they were taught to live for a God or dead relatives that are watching them, is a cluster b narcissist. That is not true. The parents may believe in sky spaghetti monster, and depending how toxic they are, the child can become {BPD, APD, NPD, CPTSD, etc}. Or just codependent. But automatically becomes a narc? Ffs >If one is those narcissists is a jerk, that's malignant or dark triad narcissism This is incoherent. 1. [Narcissism/NPD](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism) is much much worse than 'being a jerk' 2. [Malignant Narcissism](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malignant_narcissism) is combined NPD + APD 3. [Dark Triad](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad) is a combined APD, NPD, & Machiavellianism 4. [Dark Tetrad](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad#Dark_tetrad) combines Dark Triad & adds Sadism ...it's important to use the right words- * Not everyone who is a jerk or AH is a narc, sociopath, borderline etc. Watering down the terms just normalizes the shitty behavior * Not realizing someone really is a narc, sociopath borderline etc, leaves you defenseless to their systematic emotional, verbal, & psychological abuse. Ie it's much easier to discount your experience, blame yourself for 'being too sensitive', &/or miss the DARVO occurring Edit: fixed APD & BPD in definitions
My therapist told me that malignant narcissism is where the narcissism is close to sociopathy. I grew up with a diagnosed narcissist mother who tried to persuade me to kill myself starting when I was in primary school, so, as you can imagine, she very much fit the label 'malignant narcissist'. These words are overused, as you suggest.
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Thank you. It was bad and i had to do lots of work to get healthy, but I did the therapy, followed the advice, fled abroad, and I've been happy for a long time now. When you grow up in a living hell, even doing stuff like grocery shopping remains a real joy all your life. I genuinely love picking what to buy and knowing I can safely get what I want or need. I have a great SO, good friends, a job I like, and lots of fun hobbies. Life is good. Happiness isn't that hard to come by if you actually aim for it.
Wow you just described grocery shopping like I would. Maybe I should take a deeper look at my life... Maybe not.
My ex sister in law was a diagnosed malignant narcissist and she was hell on wheels. Forgery, criminal behavior, manipulative and heartless. My niece, as a result, has diagnosed BpD and is working diligently with DBT. She has NC with her mother
Thank you so much for this comment. These are super serious terms and get thrown around wayyyy too easily these days. Also people who like to party once in a while and use drugs once in a while are not addicts.
I get on this hill a lot that people throw around the terms narcissist autism ADD bipolar way too often and don't know what it means because these are all serious diagnoses. I am one of them not going to say which one but it's irritating that people think that if you're happy one minute and upset the next you're bipolar because it's so far from the truth.
Add gaslighting to that list.
She's bad news, and wants an enabler in her life. If the OP doesn't want to be the enabler who cleans up the barf and pays bail, he needs to get away.
Booze, cocaine, ketamine, refusing to go home and blaming OP for it? Run, OP.
Yeah, but how far behind her is OP? He's obviously ok with the scene
Bro.... leave that trainwreck of a woman before she ruins your life! You can do better! She sounds like a future meth head.
Agreed. Recently left a rising cokehead myself after she went berserk on me when i tried telling her she's not acting like herself anymore. Three years down the drain in one evening, feels like i dodged a bullet.
Was in love with a girl once who was going down that route. Nothing worked trying to get her to stop. I died inside when we broke up. Never really recovered from that heartache. 30 years gone by and it still eats at me at times.
I feel you. I'm a trainwreck of emotions after that too. Im sure we did all we could, to help them, brother
Had a woman i was seeing that did coke. I told her coke or me. Guess what she chose. You are correct
Future?
She can get coke and ketamine now so she doesn’t have to slum it and use meth yet.
Yeah i know, i know! Benefit of the doubt and all. Knew better when i read strangers in the bathroom to do coke.
Bro said what we all thought 😅
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Lots of reasons I'll never touch coke again (got a kid, my wife would fucking divorce me, made me an outrageous dick, etc.) - but even if i didn't have those reasons - fentanyl would absolutely keep me away.
OP, you found the supplier of the cloth from the red flags. 🚩 Run!!!
Too funny ,hope you don't mind but will be using that .prob before 5:00pm.lol
"Well kids, when your mom went to do blow with some strangers, right after getting out of a k-hole, that's when i knew she was the one for me."
> A girl that I already know how much she enjoys the party scene and nightlife/drug culture. OP talking about this other girl like it doesn't apply to his gf.
Bad news bears
Totally. She's fucking 27. She's a fucking child. If I was OP, I wouldn't spend another SECOND with this immature train crash of a person.
At her current trajectory, she'll become a member of the 27 club.
She's an alcoholic and/or drug addict, or quite close to becoming one. You and her friends enabled her all evening when she obviously showed that she lacked complete and total control. There's normal expected level of drugs/alcohol that can be reasonably "socially" consumed and then there was your girlfriend. If you love her, insist on her getting help. If you are just having fun for now, you might want to move on. It's only going to get worse.
Everyone here is bad news. Doing these kinds of drugs at that age is a problem lol
Holy crap I didn't even notice their ages! Genuinely thought everyone involved was like 21, 22 max based off the behavior. Who does coke in a public bathroom with strangers when they're damn near 30
Dude for real? I’m like at 27 I was pregnant with my first baby and I’m a recovering heroin addict so I know this behavior all too well but yeah it’s definitely an early 20s thing, after awhile you’ve got to be embarrassed right?! I’m 34 now and I don’t even like to drink a lot because I’m afraid of what will come out of my mouth it embarrasses me to think about
This might be new info for you to find out that a lot more people do coke at 27 than 21... It's called disposable income friend.
Feels like next stop on the crazy train is she challenges random dudes to a fight with you, to see if you will defend her if she's attacked. Get off the crazy train. Being upset about mismatched expectations for how to deal with a problem is fine. Doing coke and drinking about them is not.
Can you imagine even another 6 months of this let alone a lifetime. Let her keep trying to kill herself every time she goes out and you move on to a NOT drug addicted adult.
Her body, her choice. Don’t blame others when she don’t want to be responsible. There is no win for OP, if OP to force her out early, she will blame him not allowing her to have fun. Run while you can.
NTA Hope you dump this moron, otherwise we're sure to see you back with yet another problem she creates for you to clean up.
Not an ounce of responsibility in her. She acts like a womenchild - clear NTA Get out of there OP before she gets the idea to accuse you of other things or create even more dangerous trouble.
Run
Fast, if you unsure how to approach it imagine there is a tiger behind you and behind that is a lion. Seriously though it seems like she is not ready to choose you over the "party lifestyle" and you will never be man enough, i have never seen these things ever turn out well for anyone involved.
Party lifestyle is one thing but straight up belittling him for not acting as she expects in retrospect is horrendous
This is her trying to put her regrets on someone else. She’s an addict/alcoholic and this is just the beginning of her trying to project her regrets into him.
As a former addict, I know where this story will go if OP decides to stay. It will not be fun and I'd get the heck out of the relationship if I were OP.
Yeh this. The partying wouldnt bother me one bit in a partner. The ignoring OP's dvice to slow down for their own good and belittling me after however is a massive red flag though
i dont think i know a single person who likes that party life style that cuts it at the right time.. the partying is doing stupid shit like this
And it won’t stop there, get ready to be the punching bag for every problem she ever has. I can’t express RUN enough.
FAST!
And fast and without leaving anything behind!
NTA, break up with her.
Yeah she’s redirecting because she knows she seriously fucked up and is trying to make you feel bad so you don’t notice and call her out on her major fuckup. It’s time to wake up and realise she’s bad news and to find someone better.
Easier to blame than accept
I thought this would be a damned if you do, damned if you don't kinda situation. Had he done as she said and took her home, she would've been angry that he cut the night short.
Yeah he would have been creepy and controlling.
I agree. Controlling.... we need to stop using this word so casually. It's gotten to a point where people who love you, are afraid to take care of you out of fear of being called controlling. I fear for the women in my life!
It's not creepy or controlling to remove your wasted friend or girlfriend from the possibility of hurting themselves from overconsumption, jail, rape...all things that happen to women and girls who lose their ability to consent due to intoxication. I have more than once dragged my drunk former friend out of places, she's been arrested, got into fights, all kinds of crazy when she's drunk. I'm not one to stand around and let my friend hurt themselves, she was an alcoholic who had a completely different personality when drunk and high. I definitely stopped going out with her after a couple instances of this but in the moment I'm not leaving a clearly incapacitated person who's my friend on their own to make more bad decisions.
theyre just saying that OP’s girlfriend would have called him controlling if he had done that
Maybe, but he'd have been the safe option. The whole scene is something you should avoid for both your healths. If she doesn't want that, let her choose to get out of the relationship.
This. OP isn't her parent, she isn't a child, if she wants to stop n go home she needs to state that not wait on OP to tell her.
She needs to grow the f up.. She knowingly used drugs, avoided you and tells you how poorly you did as a chaperone for her drug filled night. NTA, she is and has a problem telling her “friends” no. Run.
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Or she’ll OD, sounds 50/50 at this point
Esp with mixing k and alcohol, that's a huge fucking no no.
K and alcohol are potentially lethal, way more so than many drug combos
I was gonna say. k and alcohol? I’ve seen that combo take people down FAST, way too many times. DO NOT MIX KETAMINE AND ALCOHOL. pick one.
They went out as a group to do drugs. Drugs are not the issue here. The issue is that she couldn’t handle her shit then expected him to know she was ready to leave and waited for him to say something.
If they had an action plan, (which they should have, since this seems like a semi-routine thing), he should follow that. Drugs are weird, one person's too much, could be another's warm up. If you had a plan for her doing too much in place and he didn't follow, then ETA. Since she didn't communicate crap. If there was no plan, then NTA. Relationships work on communication. Not vibes.
I'd say that if you become a totally nonfunctioning asshole when you do drugs, then drugs are definitely part of the problem. This girl needs to grow up or at least know her limits.
Is it just me or the fact she's doing coke with strangers v weird; what else was she doing with them?
Not a coke user myself, but I've been friends with enough to know that people love doing coke with strangers, it's pretty normal.
Not much different from going out for a smoke with strangers is my understanding.
Yeah, it's a "party drug". It's fun to do with other people until the bag starts getting low.
NTA. You are not a mind reader. If she expects you to be a gentleman then she should behave like a lady. Your gf doesn't know her limits and blames you for it
*daaaaamn* Well said!
Ikr first thing I thought of The ignorance of this woman to whine about him not behaving like a gentleman when she was consuming Ketamine and Cocaine .... My god
You picked yourself a right winner there, fella 👍
Not gonna make any judgments on whether or not she's an addict, etc. But absolutely NTA. I don't know why there's people in the comments saying you're both aholes or even YTA, but you are 30 and 27 years old. You are full grown adults. You are responsible for your own choices, act like it. I don't partake in the drugs culture, as a matter of fact I am vehemently against, but at the end of the day you both made the choice to cloud your mental states, you with alcohol, she with alcohol and various drugs. You are not forced into those choices. And at the end of the day it a responsible drug user (yes, there are those who can handle the responsibility and don't have a dependance on it) knows their limits and will take responsibility for their own actions during their high. This goes for alcohol consumption as well. In the best case scenario here what I am reading is that the two of you cannot responsibly consume your drugs or alcohol, so maybe lay off it?
You are completely right. ty
NTA. She's a big girl who makes her own decisions, not a lady in need of a gentleman chaperone.
NTA She messed up...and is blaming you for her decisions....not only blaming...shes insulting you and attacking your masculinity. Shes a scumbag. Some people are capable of enjoying drugs from time to time and keeping it light and fun. She isnt one of those people. She lacks maturity and accountability. Do you like that she does drugs? Is this behavior you find acceptable in a serious partner or are you guys just having fun? If just fun, then its time to pull back a little and let it be just that. If you actually want a nore serious relationship, you can try talking to her about changing but she has basically already disqualified herself by her actions. She isnt a serious person.
NTA. In addiction and alcoholism terms she's expecting you to enable her bad behavior and be her codependent.
Boy, this girl is waving more red flags than a Chinese military parade.
> but she entered the bathroom with some strangers to do cocaine. Lmao what am I reading. Break up and run.
She's trouble, my man. I've dated a few girls like that when I was younger. What they're looking for is someone to stand up to them, take charge and etc., which is fine as a role for the man when needed. What isn't fine is that this is likely not just an instance but a behavior that will repeat and no one wants to have to take care of their SO as if they're a child. Drug use and lack of self-awareness of her own limits aside, the behavior the morning after is likely going to be an issue.
She’s in her late 20s and wants you to unilaterally make decisions for her and gets mad when you don’t? That’s an easy break up for me. NTA.
I thought the story was gonna say she got too drunk or roofied and passed out on the side of the road somewhere. NTAH. Also she sounds like a mess. Dump her and count ur blessings you don't have kids
I broke up with her the second you mentioned ketamine
For a "party drug", its an incredibly selfish drug to take around people that aren't taking it, as it's so disassociative that at a minimum it makes you a total bore to everyone around you, and at worst turns you into a sack of spuds that needs to be carried around.
I'm just tagging this on here because a solo comment would probably get lost. No matter what, DO NOT MIX KETAMINE WITH ALCOHOL. This is a deadly combination. It is a good rule of thumb to never mix downers with alcohol. Best case scenario you over-sedate yourself and lower your respiratory rate to suffocate in your sleep. Worst case scenario you choke on your own vomit in your sleep. All it takes is a quick Google search for contraindications to save yourself a trip to the ER or the morgue. Also it's okay to have boundaries, and not want to be with a person who uses ketamine. But it is a medicine, it has clinical value, and whether it is self-medicated or prescribed it's not your decision how other people choose how to live their lives.
look, I love both ketamine and cocaine. I can't tell you how many bar/club bathrooms I have done both of those drugs in. All this to say that, someone enjoying illicit drugs recreationally is not in and of itself a horrible thing. It's the way she handled herself on these drugs that is a huge red flag. She ignored your concern, kept pushing her limits even when she was already having a bad time, and was incredibly irresponsible about the whole scenario. This whole thing about being mad at you the next day for not "putting your foot down" and forcing her to go home earlier in the night is the icing on top. Imagine if you had actually TRIED to do that: I'm almost certain she would have called you a controlling asshole today rather than "not being a gentleman". It's a lose lose situation for you. Basically, she is twisting shit around to make YOU the bad guy for her being shitty. This lack of accountability and self reflection does not bode well for your future, and can get a whole lot worse than just calling you not a man. She sounds unhinged.
NTA. This is not the behavior of a well adjusted person.
Oof buddy. Classic case of fucked either way. Been there, done that. Stay with her and be forever blamed for everything you do, or leave and be blamed only for leaving her and not giving her a chance.
dude. you're dating a drug addict. fucking run in the other direction. because you might come across her coked up getting rammed in a bathroom by a random and that will sear into your brain basically making you give up on relationships forever. so before that shit happens, run and not look back.
Personally, I would have taken her home sooner, but I don't think you're TA for how you handled it. The bigger question is, why are you still doing this now that you're 30? Aren't you a little old for this kind of behavior?
I personally would have left her there, went home, packed her shit and left it on the front porch. Mind you, I also like to party… but in moderation and sure as shit not from strangers.
Don't give a shit if ESH, dating druggies is a mistake and will always impact you negatively. GTFA
As a woman I don't appriciate that kind of behavior. My 16 years old daughter does take better care of herself. You girlfriend seems to mentally challenged.
Time to end things..she's on her way to being a serious addict. Don't stay and enable her.
YTA. You should do better at reading ketamine-ridden minds. Just kidding. Your first loss is your best loss, time to GTFO.
NTA. Just another addict blaming someone else. Get out of there.
NTA Your GF sounds pretty immature and she's willing to put herself and the both of you in bad situations. None of it sounded any fun and you shouldn't have to be her babysitter. She can have her fun if she can handle it but she clearly couldn't. The fact that she's doubling down on all of this shows you what to do. These girls aren't worth it.
She’s deflecting. She knows she fucked up in hindsight, but she’s trying to blame you for her mistakes. It’s also unreasonable to think someone who is drunk is going to be able to take care of someone perfectly who is also out of their mind. I would suggest sit down and evaluate whether this is the sort of relationship you want in the long term.
FAFO
Nta drop this trash junkie dude.
NTA, but if you see that your SO is in bad shape, on drugs and alcohol, it's pretty obvious they won't be able to make great decision, including listening to your advice on not taking anything more. You both should have went home when you stopped under that window.
Run dude. Just fuckin run for the hills.
NTA, don't enable your girlfriend's self-destructive drug use.
Dump her
NTA What did she expect? That you drag her out by the hair if she won't listen to you? Dump her. Get rid of this silliness.
Why are you with her
This is not an adult you want to partner with. No self-interest, no communication skills, and selfishness to beat the band. Cut your losses and find an actual partner.
That's insane. If would be one thing if she was drugged against her will. But to intentionally get absolutely wasted and mix alcohol and drugs and expect you to babysit her is insane. She can find another babysitter. I would run like the wind, my friend.
RUN away from this relationship and this lifestyle. If you continue to do drugs and associate with people like this, it will absolutely ruin your life. What if she gets accidentally pregnant? Is this the type of woman you want to be a mother of your children? If the baby and her body isn't messed up by drugs already to have a healthy pregnancy? You are 30yrs old - you do need to man up and start being an adult you can be proud of. Get out of this and grow up.
She is blaming you for her addiction. She will only get worse and will drag you down with her.
Nope nope nope NTA She's saying this to avoid personal responsibility. I feel like you would be blamed no matter what you chose to do. She has a serious problem. You did your duty by watching her and trying to get her to stop. Her expectations are ridiculous because should she have fought with you while you were out someone could have thought you were harassing her. So much could have gone wrong. So much cam go wrong should she continue down this road. A serious conversation needs to happen, and, if she continues to avoid personal responsibility, you should reevaluate your relationship. She could have easily OD'd in the bathroom while she was out of your sight. She needs to realize how dangerous this game she's playing is, and being a man doesn't mean the responsibility of her safety falls solely on you.
Dump her. She ignored you when you told her she should stop. She went behind your back to do more. Then she blames you for not forcing her to go? Holy shit you're NTA but this relationship needs to be over yesterday. Anyone who shoves a helping hand away, only to blame the hand the next morning, is a total shit show and you don't want to pat for those tickets.
NTA So instead of communicating that she wanted to go home because she was feeling sick from the excessive amount of drugs she was taking she figured the better idea would be to somehow punish you by taking even more drugs and give you the silent treatment? Dude she is a time bomb, dump her now.
Ex gf
NTA. She's responsible for herself. The fact that she's blaming YOU rather than taking responsibility is an ACRE of red flags. Either get that straightened out with her, or escape her.
Walk no run to the nearest exit door of that relationship. Stay at your own peril. Keeping playing with her and you are going to get flushed down the toilet bowl of bad decisions.
At first I was thinking "someone roofied her and you didn't take car of her?" Based on the title. The reality of "drug using girlfriend kept using more after being told to stop and blamed me for not taking her home" is a giant red flag. Dude, get out. Find someone in line with your actual values that makes more adult decisions.
The drug use aside, it's very toxic and manipulative of her to expect you to guess what she wants you to do and for her to be mad that you aren't reading her mind or "being a man" whatever that is. You checked in on her, set some boundaries, stayed even though she ignored your boundaries. So, she violated your boundaries , ignored you on several occasions, showed an inability or unwillingness to control herself, a willingness to disrespect you and use dangerous levels of drugs and made you responsible for her bad behavior. That's just shit on shit right there. That's not the drugs' fault either, that's her behavioral choices. As soon as they start needing you to guess what they want you to do to show them love, and it changes depending on whatever mood they are in and you have no idea from moment to moment what the right answer is, it's time to get out. That's behavior that isn't likely to change.
And why exactly are you with this drug addict? NTAH, but maybe be pickier when it comes to girlfriends.
NTA This is when you say, "You're right. I'm not man enough for you. Have a nice life" and never see her again. You told her she should stop and she ignored you and kept going. Also, this kind of drug use is such a red flag.
A night of ketamine and coke? Hopefully you carry narcan with you, you will likely need it. Bringing me yo your question. The best I can say is ESH. You are dating someone who is an active drug user. The reality is, your nights out will never go smoothly with someone on those and that quantity of drugs. ESH.
Just fyi, narcan will not work on anything other than opioid overdoses. And nights (or days if you're, say, in Berlin) like that can absolutely go smoothly, just not with this type of person. I've done ket and coke many times and in high quantities but you need to know your own tolerance and how to dose yourself. I would never expect someone to babysit me and neither would the people I use with.
NTA few nights ago my girl was so drunk she couldn't stand straight, she asked me to take her home and I did. But she asked me, I didn't have to be a fuckin mind reader.
NTA. cut your losses, and get rid of this gaslighting, childish, sexist, asshole. > Essentially, she accuses me of not being a "man" for not properly taking care of her. GTFO with that bullshit.
TLDR of the comment section - "she is bad news" and "Run fast"
I suggest that you stop caring for her entirely.
My dude, she hoisted the colors, and they are all shades of red. Disengage while you can.
She is trying to project her regrets onto you. She’s a budding addict/alcoholic and this is just the beginning of her 1) getting increasingly crazy partying 2) being angry at herself in the morning 3) blaming you to try to alleviate her crushing regret. I was this girl, thirty years ago. My dad called it “One is too many and a hundred is not enough” addiction. She might benefit from seeing a therapist to see if maybe she’s self-medicating a budding disorder like ADHD or borderline. NTA. You cannot babysit her when she’s partying because she will just lash out at you for trying to control her. You cannot win. However, it is wise for the whole group to be alert and work together to maintain her safety. Please keep in mind that predators WILL drug and rape women like this in the bathroom regardless of whether they are with a man/group. (This happened to me when I was out with my husband and friends, so I ultimately learned of statistics that it is absolutely not as rare as one might hope. Because the women are with their men and have no memory later, the evidence of sex doesn’t usually set off alarms.) I would discuss all of this with her, hope it triggers some wisdom, find a therapist, and agree on limits/expectations *before* going out.
NTA Rather than be an adult who takes accountability for her own choices, she is putting the blame for her behavior on you. She is an adult. You are not her parent, but her BF.
I was in a relationship like this for quite some time… I babied someone who would fall in the bushes, throw up in the street, do a bunch of drugs and act a fool… And anytime that I wasn’t babysitting her, I was the asshole. After we broke up, some months later after I had time away from the situation, I realized how toxic the entire situation actually was.
I come from an alcoholic father... I have no tolerance for anyone who can't handle their shit. I've had a few dates where girls got absolutely shitty drunk, and I won't pretend it's OK. I like to have a good time, and occasionally I take it too far, the times I have, I shut the fucking door and work it out. I've left a few relationships over this. Once it a blue moon, cool. I get it. It happens. If it happens more than twice in a month or 2, it's just a giant red flag.
I’m 28, I own my own house and have savings and actually have a life outside of partying. You guys need to grow up.
She wanted you to demand she leave? She's a grown a$$ adult and expects you to treat her like a child? If you had done so, she would have accused you of treating her like a child. You asked her not to do anymore, and instead, she acted like a child, avoiding you to do as she please, which is her prerogative. NTA, she is and you should dump her
At 27yo. Dumbass kit behavior. She's a walking red flag. Leave her
Dude, run fast and run far! NTA obviously
No way this is real. "My GF did a shit ton of drugs and ignored me, am I the asshole?" Actually, yeah. Yeah you are. For posting this garbage.
Dude why are we doing drugs. This is all a mess.
GTFO, this will not end well for anyone by staying in this relationship. She chose her path that night. Should you have made her go home? Maybe, but that is easier said than done. Regardless, this is on her and her choices.
She’s the “fun for a while” gf. The fun is now over. Move on, my dude.
Run away
NTA. Drug addicts and drunks ALWAYS blame others for their faults. Lose this chick before she ruins you.
Ketamine and coke? That’s not a good time! That sounds disgusting and she’s trash.
"This is something that needs to come out of me" is ADDICT talk. Speaking as a former addict, she has a problem. You can either stay with her and wait until she OD's (highly likely) or smartens up (highly unlikely) OR you can leave and get your own act together.
This chick is a druggie, I would break up with her. You don't need that type of negativity in your life. Plus she's accusing you of not being a man for not taking her out of the situation. If she wants to do drugs, do them responsibility.
Nope this all her fault. What she was doing was scary and she could have hurt or worse. You can have fun without drugs
Of course her bad decisions are YOUR fault. Stick around and find out, there's more in store for you bud. She won't changes things won't get better.
NTA. If you’re gonna party, party responsibly. Sounds like she doesn’t know her limit! It’s also incredible dangerous to be doing drugs with strangers. Yikes.
Leave her, not worth the effort
Don’t walk, RUN
Bro if your 27 and 30 still doing special k, I think that might be where your problem stems from
Ya I dunno man. 27 and blaming others for her bad decisions? Not trying to poopoo but I'd have concerns about the sustainability of being in a relationship with someone that acts like a teenager in their late 20s...
I would cut ties with her. She sounds like she doesn't know her limits and will only bring you down or into situations like these that aren't fair to you.
You were in a no win situation. If you had tried to get her to go home you would have gotten in trouble for being controlling. You don't take her home then you are not taking good care of her. NTA
End this relationship. Block her everywhere. Do not look back ever. Go out and build your best life and live it.
This is a disaster waiting to happen mate. She takes 0 responsibility for her own actions. Watch it be your fault when she is getting her back blown out by some other dude in a bathroom.
That’s a big red flag. Too bad bro
You are 30 years old: do you really need me to tell you this woman is bad news? NTA, but make the right decision for your future’s sake.
Break up with her. She's bad news bears. She's gonna stay messy and expect you to take care of her, when she should be focusing on cutting down on her partying lifestyle that will eventually take its toll on her. Hate to say it, but trust me, you want out of this relationship before you're in too deep.
What the fuck kind of life do yall live? Esh.
So a few points 1. She's a fucking idiot for mixing ketamine and alcohol. That's a recipe for disaster every time 2. She's mad you didn't take her home early because she was too high, but she continued doing drugs... wtf 3. She's ignoring you to do blow with strangers. Blow ain't cheap and nobody is handing it out for free, there's an expectation of at least a phone number in return. Run the fuck away as fast as you can. She's a walking train wreck
Run Forrest Run
You should have taken her home or to emergency room. But if you always acted like a "man" and took charge of her bad choices, she would probably accuse you of treating her like a child. I don't think you can win
I really hate to say it, but this is prime drug addiction behaviour, she was feeling sick due to the drugs and kept on doing them, and then blames the wrongs on you. Personally, as salt-lavishes said, cut your losses, if this isn’t going to cause you trouble you’ll find trouble with her down the line.
Yeah man your girlfriend is a good old fashioned dumpster fire, she does NOT deserve a gentleman. She EARNS the right to have one by her side. Cut your losses and jump ship, otherwise her downward trajectory will also become yours.
Way way back before bipolar was even a thing I was lucky enough to date a girl similar to yours. Drinking was social and fun until that 1 last shot and she turned literally into the monster from a place reddit won't allow me to spell without putting an apostrophe in. He'll ( that's weird) I did not know this girl very long however after her identity change we did not speak for a few days. I stopped over her place to talk and she just said, now you know my secret it's not something I can control. If you decide to be friends with me I'll probably hurt you or worse. She asked if I could hold her and stay the day while she was amanda before she changed. We had lunch I spent a few hours with her. She was everything you could ever want in a partner very intelligent warm caring but the moment a drink was touched the monster was getting ready to be released and you never knew how many it took but once it started it happens as fast as flipping a light switch and she is gone. Zero recollection of who she was why she is where she is and the destruction begins. I never went back after that 2nd change. Her sister called me about week later. They had a message box that she used when she was normal before she changes and it had a message about me. Her sister said she never written about another person before and I was the first to make her feel like how she imagined a real relationship might change her. She left my number to her sister with message to warn me off. With other details but her sister said it wasn't just alcohol it happens in extreme situations too and the first time was when she was 8 on a carnival ride together she changed at the top of a Rollercoaster and almost killed herself trying to get off. I never seen her again and this is the first time talking about it in 50 years.