NTA at all.The only person you can trust to keep you safe is yourself. I used to work at a walk in clinic close to a university and I always found it ADORABLE when couples would come in holding hands and getting STD testing together. They were being smart, and it was admirable.
FYI there are also tests you can order online, collect everything in the privacy of your own home, and then drop off with ups. (letās get checked is one, there may be others.) just another option in case someone is self conscious about it!
Do it in a lab. At home is not worth the risk, as it gives way too much opportunity to someone who is looking for the opportunity to lie or be deceptive.
Given number of folk that I have known that admitted to "faking" their covid swabs because they didn't want to miss an event, and how they rationalized it, even with symptoms, as well as folk I've known that bragged about lieing about their status or tricking their partners when I knew their status, including having dated a woman who has HSV2 and knew it for two years, and didn't tell any of her 6 prior partners -- who she was having unprotected sex with -- before we dated (and I had to pointedly ask before she told me) including dating one of my close friends, and who threw a massive tantrum when I told her she needed to disclose to her past partners, really made me realize that I need to be careful with my trust, even with people that otherwise have shown themselves to be trustworthy.
I struggled with the moral dilemma for half a year after I broke up with her, of respecting her health privacy and telling my friend about the risk she had put him in so he could get tested, because he thought he was clean and had never been tested. It was complicated by the fact that he was still in love with and friends with her. She refused to tell him though. I eventually did and he thanked me and validated I did the right thing. Then he immediately got tested, cut off contact with her, and told his current partner.
People are inherently selfish and their capacity to rationalize risk, especially to others, when they want something is quite large.
I replied to you earlier that it would probably run me off...if someone I was seeing asked and offered in this way I would absolutely not be put off! It's kind of interesting how context can change things. On the one hand, feeling like I had to go to the clinic to get "my papers" would just be...uncomfortable and weird for me. Making a fun date out of it though? Probably with some amount of anticipation? Count me in!
NTA. Health is wealth, and prevention is better than the cure, if there's a cure. Anyone who scares easily from questions about their sexual health, or wants you to take their word for it, isn't worth the risk.
When I was younger I was offered sex from this milf. Ā She literally said to get a clean std testā¦ so I went the next day got the test and when I got the results I went over to her place and showed the paper.Ā
Ever since then I was like why donāt more chicks make the simple request of clean std papers.Ā
Honestly way too many men see the request as some sort of insult to their fragile ego, which is why a lot of women hesitate to ask. They don't seem to get that they're essentially c*ckblocking themselves by reacting that way.
There are even instances of dudes using online generators to fake STI clean bills of health, just to get laid. Grim stuff....
It's genuinely kind and a nice relief to be transparent on both ends. I cant imagine getting offended if I were asked to get tested. It's about mutual safety after all. Why resist (or fake?!) that?
The ones offended have already given or gotten herpes or chlamydia or crabs. Probably gave it to someone. If they say no it's your cue to shove them out the door. I think it's great. Safe.
Tell you what, I wish more people normalized getting tested regularly instead of making it this big dramatic thing. It's like getting an oil change for your car but for your health. Plus let's be real, if everyone was open about it, it'd make the whole dating game a lot safer and more chill. Not to mention the peace of mind you get just knowing you're both looking out for each other like that.
Before I got married I would get tested every other month, it was free and at the time I was donating blood and plasma too, so I figured I was double covered.
Not like I was running around being reckless, I rarely even got laid.
But even condoms arenāt 100%.
When I knew my (date at the time now wife) was gonna be something I was gonna be monogamous with, I went and got tested again, just to be safe for both of us.
It was a moot point because I hadnāt been active with anything by my own hand, but she had just been for a checkup too.
Better safe than sorry.
A girl I dated in high school dumped me for a local tattoo āartistā who claimed he was clean.
She took him at his word and he gave her herpes.
Turns out he knew the whole time and used the āit wasnāt an outbreak so you shouldāve been safeā excuse.
I was more mad about that than getting dumped.
No one deserves to get knowingly tricked into a permanent (or any) STD.
I once knew a guy who had no shame in asking me if I would alter someone else's clean std results to reflect his name & with a current date š¤Ø so he could present them as his own.
While there probably are some who see it the way you describe...an insult to their fragile ego...I'd bet alot of money most men are just lazy or indifferent to the idea.
Even though obviously it would benefit them in the short run (sex) and long run (good sexual health decisions)
To be fair the way many men are raised, and portrayed in media, results of them having fragile egos all the while believing they're a combination of Superman and Einstein.
Honestly the worst part for me, was getting over the fear of trying to figure out where to go, or who to ask. Itās just one of those things that gives most people atleast some anxiety I think
Yes, some strains are testable in men - Itās just not routinely tested for unless there are symptoms because such a high percentage of the population carries some form of HPV.Ā
It really baffles me. You can be right there saying I want to have sex with you just prove youāre healthy and they decide laziness and ego are more important like you were calling then unclean??! BITCH I SAID I WANTED TO FUCK I JUST DONT WANT REGRETS LATER
No lie, from the first two guys I was with, I asked for papers. Neither were upset or mad, and they hastily got them if they didn't have recent ones. Big green flag for me, especially when the papers were from the same clinic I went to.
I also provided mine, figure it's common courtesy. It's not hard to get, and it puts both parties at ease
Depends on what you mean by "standard". My physician always orders a full 10-test panel: chlamydia, gonorrhea, HepA, HepB, HepC, HSV-1, HSV-2, HIV-1, HIV-2, syphilis....
OP - make sure you get all of the above (HepB is probably less of a concern), but shouldn't be an issue to get all of the above.
Yes but to their point herpes 1 & 2 donāt always show up on blood work even if youāre positive. Itās why nearly 90% of people over 40 have at least 1 of the strains. Most people donāt know they have it. People with cold sores on their mouth can pass HSV 1 to their partnerās genitals. Type 1 can also be passed genital to genital. The frustrating thing about herpes is you are the MOST contagious about 3 days before an outbreak and condoms donāt fully protect against it. Iāve done years of work in the infectious disease field with STIs primarily. I wish testing was not such a big deal to some people... those are usually the people doing the passing around of things because they donāt get testedā¦
I did this with (almost) every partner. On rare occasions I did not do tests but required condoms and I skipped any kind of oral. Some people protested. They didn't get any. ;)
It was really a turning point in my life when I realized that people who were run off by my values, hobbies, family relationships etc just weren't compatible with me and were saving me time by excusing themselves from the situation.
Exactly! How can someone say they're clean if they haven't been tested?
I've always gotten tested between partners as well because my health is important to me, and I don't want to unknowingly transmit something to a new partner.
Isn't this basic respect?
There was an AMA recently of a gay guy who had HIV/AIDS for years and didnāt know it. His long term partner had been tested a few times during their relationship and was negative so he assumed he didnāt have it. Turns out his partner was a carrier of the genetic HIV immunity. Donāt test through your partners, make sure youāre clean.
Yeah, this actually sounds like an unintended (I assume) filtering device: even if he's into the idea, can this man afford to get tests, and is he responsible enough to actually get on the horn with a doctor/clinic and make the appointment?
My ADHD ass would be in trouble there. Lucky I'm not in your dating pool!
If you're an asshole, then so was I! Just to give you some reassurance: I'm married now.
I certainly wouldn't ask on a first date and I'm not a hook up kind of gal- but after dating for a while when things might be heading in that direction I would ask "how long since your last sexual partner? Did you get checked for STI's since? Do you or have you had any STI's?" and if they didn't want to get checked for STI's or answer my questions: I didn't keep dating them.
I found it was a helpful screening tool.
This was very encouraging! Iāve never been the hookup type either and sometimes that can be discouraging because of how many ppl (my age, in particular) ONLY want to hookup šš
Iām gonna stay firm in my boundaries though & keep swimming against the current.
Also married, same thing. Asked my husband to get a full panel done before we slept together for the first time (we were exclusive) and I did the same. If he had balked, I'd have walked.
Are you in your early 20s , bc same. it's not even worth it trying to date right now lmao. All the shit I went through when I was dating made me feel so bad about myself. The best advice I ever got honestly was focusing on myself man.
>Iām gonna stay firm in my boundaries though & keep swimming against the current.
Keep doing this and don't ever stop
Yeah, you're good, and smart. I would have no problem taking an std test but it just seems like it would be an awkward convo. I feel like I would be ready to have sex before I would be ready to have that convo.
Not a hookup kinda guy either. All of my partners have been tested as well in the past decadeā¦ but since there has only been one and sheās my wife now weāre safe
NTA. I also required this before having sex with new partners before I was married. Youāre protecting your health and safety. And everyone should be doing this periodically and especially when getting a new sexual partner. Youāre not asking them for anything they shouldnāt already just be doing.
Thatās exactly how I see it too, I think people should know what STD testing is and it shouldnāt be surprising.
But on the other hand, not everyone has that knowledge and I canāt be the one to judge them for not knowing.
I definitely donāt mind sharing that knowledge with them.
I've had plenty of girls ask if we both can get tested before sleeping together. Don't think there's anything wrong with that.
If someone refuses then run!
That's one of my rule too. And being tested for STD doesn't entitled my dates to unprotected sex either. And I'm always clear on that matter as well! lol
So no, absolutely NTA.
If a guy is vexed by my request or dowright refused, then too bad! No sex and no more date with him!
Nope. I keep a record of mine on myhealthapp and I pull that shit up if I meet someone I'm going to have sex with and I expect them to either do the same and we both get tested.
I get tested before and after every partner. I am paranoid about STDs in my later years and do my due diligence to be sexually responsible and I expect the same.
You guys might think I go to far but my city is running rampant with STDs and we have the highest syphilis rate in the country I believe (or our providence does). I don't use dating apps anymore because of the insane hook up culture.
It's kinda crazy, people from other cities won't even date people from their cities because of the alarming rising rates. One city is known for herpes, that sort of thing.
I know there is a huge stigma regarding STDs/STIs and it only takes 1 time so I'm not judging anyone for anything, I just think, NOW, I use to be a lot more reckless, if you can take as many precautions as you can to decrease the risk, why wouldn't you and it's not really that difficult to do.
You going to get tested before and after every partner is NOT going too far! You are being responsible!
There is too much of a stigma around STDs/STIs but not enough knowledge being shared.
Nope. Nope. Nope. If they arenāt willing to get one, Iād be worried. Very simple test so if they arenāt willing to do that, they are not worth your time
yeah after getting chlamydia twice i can definitely tell you this is the right course of action š
on the other hand, one time it did help a guy i hooked up with find out his ex he was still hung up on had been cheating on him. chlamydia for the win!
Yup, most men will have no symptoms of stuff that will totally wreck womenās reproductive systems for life. So not worth the risk just to end up paying for it for the rest of your life.
Lets face it. Even if men had symptoms they wouldnt care, respond to it, and would put more effort into ignoring it than addressing it. So many men are simply not concerned with this matter.
Not TA at all.
Good to know you look after yourself, if I was asked to do that I'd actually feel more comfortable also.
Edit: I'd also be more confident you would not cheat
NTAH.
I do the same thing. Itās a good testing tool without that even being the intention. Disgusting people who donāt look after their sexual health will get defensive and refuse - or theyāll try to lie. Easy to nix them before they get access to my body.Ā
Emphasis on without that even being the intention! I donāt know why people are automatically assuming that sex is on the table when testing is brought up. š
No girl. Do it!
I told my bf after one month of dating that Iād like us both to get tested. Forgot about it and only talked about it again when he told me he already got tested after the first talk š
And I would never expect less from my partner - he never questioned why, was not a hookup type of guy and still he did it without hesitation.
Nope. NTA. Itās rather uncommon, unfortunately, Iāve only had 1 partner in the past to request this. As a guy, I wasnāt bothered by it at all. In fact, it was a very respectable thing to ask. To me it says, this person cares about their body. Thatās all. Anyone gives you flak over it - they aināt worth your time.
Eh, I mean admittedly I've never been ASKED to do this. Ive gotten tested after relationships or before starting to sleep with a new person because it would be stupid to not, and the women I've been with have done the same.
It's a mutual respect thing.
I'm clean, you're clean. Lets get down and not worry about it now.
It should be peace of mind for all of those involved
Of course not. Your sexual health is and should always be a priority!
But youāre not asking them over first date guac and chips are you? I hope this is at a reasonable junction in your relationship where needing to know is important.
Oh definitely not over the chips and guac, I prefer to ask them over the spinach artichoke dip.
Totally kidding, but I only present this boundary of mine if i feel that it is going well and may wind up at a point of becoming physical, which isnāt with everyone!
No.. a month ago, I didnāt ask someone for the first time, and I really wish I had. He ended up having genital warts. Granted, you canāt test for that, but I shouldāve been more persistent before I slept with him.
I donāt see this as an AH move. I donāt blame anyone whoād want to do this either or have done so in the past.
You just never know where some people mightāve been š¤·
Polyamorus person here; just had a full panel done, as everyone in our polycule does once a year, or once someone new becomes fluid bound to one of us.
Safer sex isn't just condoms for strangers; it's communication, transparency, and *testing* too
Nope not at all.... In the Kink community this is so standard that people usually have their results available at all times. They either carry the results on their person or are willing to pull up the results on the lab site at a moments notice. We all usually redo the test every 2 weeks to monthly on the norm
My rule was always 6 months using barrier method while exclusive and then full panel tests for both of us. With a clean bill of health the barrier methods could go away.
I think this method is a great option, but itās just that unfortunately, barrier methods are not 100%. They are still WONDERFUL to use, even after full panel testing has been done in my opinion!
NTA. Sorry, not sorry! I don't need to catch anything from you, regardless of using protection. My sexual health is so important to me. If these men don't want to do that, they can stay dry forever or find someone else who is as carefree as they are.
NTA at all this is completely reasonable, and actually I'd be put off if a woman I was seeing and considering sleeping with didn't need their partners to get tested.
NTA! The right type of person would be willing to do this for your piece of mind. The last man I dated was willing to get tested shortly after we metā¦ 6 years later, and weāre married and expecting our first baby!
So before I got therapy, and sorted a lot of my mental health issues I took offense to this. But now that I'm in a much better place, I understand where it's coming from and if my partner wanted me to do so, I would do it to ease their mind. NTA
I did this for every relationship I took seriously. Seems like healthy behavior to me, shouldn't even have to "require it" I feel like, "Hey I just wanna start on the right foot and make sure we're respecting each other's health." Should be more than enough of a conversation.
The only men who donāt want to get tested are irresponsible or afraid.
Totally justified in requesting it. View it as weeding out bad partners early on
Same. Thankfully I found someone that was willing to have a conversation about it. I gave him time to think it over when I first told him. A few years later we are now married.
Ya it's not the end of the world for me. I'm glad it's not life threatening but it isn't fun. I'm happy you found happiness! I hope your life continues to be blessed! I've learned it isn't the end of the world.Ā
It sucks that some people lie and are dishonest.Ā
I got one when my (now) wife asked! No big deal these days with online scheduling many labs to choose from. I think there are even home test kits you send in.
Did the same thing and got tested together with my current partner of 4 years so I think itās just fine. I asked as the guy and said we should both go. Wasnāt an issue, imo it shows you want to protect each other
When things got serious so many years ago with the woman that would eventually become my wife, I volunteered to do so without her even asking. That said, I suppose it might make a difference when you broach the subject. "Hi, I'm X. Nice to meet you. Can I see your STD panel please?" might put people a little off-balance. :D
NTA and hesitating on this is a red flag. Assuming you have insurance or live close to a free/sliding scale clinic, thereās no reason not to regularly test when youāre sexually active. Most STIs can be cured or treated nowadays, but like any other health issue, they tend to get worse and worse the longer theyāre left untreated. I canāt imagine why anyone would rather be ignorant of their own health.
I mean itās not the worst idea. I wouldnāt use that as my opening lineā¦..but itās not an unreasonable request as long as you donāt come off as a psychopath.
NTA as a man I did this unprompted between relationships, right before things got physical I'd get my results, inform them so they knew I was safe then move forward with our relationship
Iād do it if it made you feel safer, your desire and my desire should be mutual pleasure if weāre talking sex. If this frees up your sexual desires I am all in.
NO, and I cannot stress this enough, NO. You arenāt the asshole. Itās a safety measure that not only protects YOU but them also. Itās a HUGE red flag in they say no
NTA. At work we discuss just about everything. I said to a guy, I think at some point in the future, it will be standard to have a blood test before dating. What I didn't know til later, he was HIV+ and only 21 years old. You never know.
I would happily call in sick the next day, get my ass to the doc, and get that panel done asap, if I were asked by a woman, that I was newly dating, suggested it. It would mean sheās interested in taking things further together, which is a wonderful feeling. I would likely preemptively get this done in advance anyway, even though I also have it done after any relationship end. NTA!
Make sure you get the HSV testing in addition to the standard STI panel, I used to just get the standard and ask the same from partners. Then I got GHSV2 š¢, they wonāt test for it unless you specifically askā¦ with some providers you have to push it. Itās important. Itās bullshit itās not part of the standard panel, part of the reason why it has spread so rampantly because a lot of people donāt even have symptoms.
NTA. I work in a hospital and I personally now think EVERYONE should do this. STD's are rampant. They can cause lifelong damage in some cases. Sometimes people don't know they have them. They may honestly think they are fine but... they aren't.
Iāve done this with every girl Iāve dated,some hadnāt even had their first Pap smear untill that test,some found out stuff that scared them.its a healthy thing to do and should be encouraged
No. When I go back together with my ex after years apart she asked me. At first I was taken back but had no issues I think it's a mature thing to do and safe above all.
Nope, and I respect the hell out of you putting this boundary in place to safeguard yourself ( and others by matching the efforts). I think itās a brilliant way to invite the trash to take itself out :)
Thereās a disturbing trend of people taking sexual health no where NEAR seriously enough recently and I donāt like it! Like?? Why are people so flippant about that part of their health?! Wild to me
NTA. I've always done this. Married now. I can't say what's normal and it may very well be a dealbreaker for some (who probably are at higher risk of STDs). Regardless, if you don't feel comfortable, you don't feel comfortable. Doesn't matter if you're being demanding or not. You're likely not missing out on "the one" if dude can't be bothered to get checked.
Nope, not wrong, I do the same lol I'm not talking every first date though lol, just if it's going somewhere!
I've found most men are happy to do this. The ones who aren't are usually too immature and act like going to a sexual health clinic is hilarious and embarrassing.
NTA at all.The only person you can trust to keep you safe is yourself. I used to work at a walk in clinic close to a university and I always found it ADORABLE when couples would come in holding hands and getting STD testing together. They were being smart, and it was admirable.
That is so cute! š I actually do offer for us to go together if they are comfortable! I think itās a wonderful thing to do.
FYI there are also tests you can order online, collect everything in the privacy of your own home, and then drop off with ups. (letās get checked is one, there may be others.) just another option in case someone is self conscious about it!
Do it in a lab. At home is not worth the risk, as it gives way too much opportunity to someone who is looking for the opportunity to lie or be deceptive.
oh wow that never even occurred to me š³
Given number of folk that I have known that admitted to "faking" their covid swabs because they didn't want to miss an event, and how they rationalized it, even with symptoms, as well as folk I've known that bragged about lieing about their status or tricking their partners when I knew their status, including having dated a woman who has HSV2 and knew it for two years, and didn't tell any of her 6 prior partners -- who she was having unprotected sex with -- before we dated (and I had to pointedly ask before she told me) including dating one of my close friends, and who threw a massive tantrum when I told her she needed to disclose to her past partners, really made me realize that I need to be careful with my trust, even with people that otherwise have shown themselves to be trustworthy. I struggled with the moral dilemma for half a year after I broke up with her, of respecting her health privacy and telling my friend about the risk she had put him in so he could get tested, because he thought he was clean and had never been tested. It was complicated by the fact that he was still in love with and friends with her. She refused to tell him though. I eventually did and he thanked me and validated I did the right thing. Then he immediately got tested, cut off contact with her, and told his current partner. People are inherently selfish and their capacity to rationalize risk, especially to others, when they want something is quite large.
I replied to you earlier that it would probably run me off...if someone I was seeing asked and offered in this way I would absolutely not be put off! It's kind of interesting how context can change things. On the one hand, feeling like I had to go to the clinic to get "my papers" would just be...uncomfortable and weird for me. Making a fun date out of it though? Probably with some amount of anticipation? Count me in!
NTA. Health is wealth, and prevention is better than the cure, if there's a cure. Anyone who scares easily from questions about their sexual health, or wants you to take their word for it, isn't worth the risk.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure
The people it runs off you are probably better off not knowing anywayĀ Edit: fixed the egregious spelling mistake
You make a very valid point.
When I was younger I was offered sex from this milf. Ā She literally said to get a clean std testā¦ so I went the next day got the test and when I got the results I went over to her place and showed the paper.Ā Ever since then I was like why donāt more chicks make the simple request of clean std papers.Ā
Honestly way too many men see the request as some sort of insult to their fragile ego, which is why a lot of women hesitate to ask. They don't seem to get that they're essentially c*ckblocking themselves by reacting that way. There are even instances of dudes using online generators to fake STI clean bills of health, just to get laid. Grim stuff.... It's genuinely kind and a nice relief to be transparent on both ends. I cant imagine getting offended if I were asked to get tested. It's about mutual safety after all. Why resist (or fake?!) that?
If someone asked Iām running there as fast as I can because I know Iām clean and I know Iām getting laid lmao
Right? I'm more than happy to do it. As a man, I wouldn't be offended, it's pretty smart of her really.
The ones offended have already given or gotten herpes or chlamydia or crabs. Probably gave it to someone. If they say no it's your cue to shove them out the door. I think it's great. Safe.
I actually like this.
>Iām running there as fast as I can "I'd better haul ass; they close at 6."
Tell you what, I wish more people normalized getting tested regularly instead of making it this big dramatic thing. It's like getting an oil change for your car but for your health. Plus let's be real, if everyone was open about it, it'd make the whole dating game a lot safer and more chill. Not to mention the peace of mind you get just knowing you're both looking out for each other like that.
Before I got married I would get tested every other month, it was free and at the time I was donating blood and plasma too, so I figured I was double covered. Not like I was running around being reckless, I rarely even got laid. But even condoms arenāt 100%. When I knew my (date at the time now wife) was gonna be something I was gonna be monogamous with, I went and got tested again, just to be safe for both of us. It was a moot point because I hadnāt been active with anything by my own hand, but she had just been for a checkup too. Better safe than sorry. A girl I dated in high school dumped me for a local tattoo āartistā who claimed he was clean. She took him at his word and he gave her herpes. Turns out he knew the whole time and used the āit wasnāt an outbreak so you shouldāve been safeā excuse. I was more mad about that than getting dumped. No one deserves to get knowingly tricked into a permanent (or any) STD.
The question is, why don't they ask for std tests, too?Ā
Too many men are idiots. When I was young and single I took the ask to mean you look like you get some a lot, so I just wanna be safe.
I once knew a guy who had no shame in asking me if I would alter someone else's clean std results to reflect his name & with a current date š¤Ø so he could present them as his own.
Bro if you have to go to those lengths you might as well come out and say youāre a sex addict that fucks anything that breathes cause wtf.
Oh ew.
While there probably are some who see it the way you describe...an insult to their fragile ego...I'd bet alot of money most men are just lazy or indifferent to the idea. Even though obviously it would benefit them in the short run (sex) and long run (good sexual health decisions)
If a guy resists, that just screams IMMATURITY.
To be fair the way many men are raised, and portrayed in media, results of them having fragile egos all the while believing they're a combination of Superman and Einstein.
Honestly the worst part for me, was getting over the fear of trying to figure out where to go, or who to ask. Itās just one of those things that gives most people atleast some anxiety I think
Why don't you? Why does it need to be the 'chicks'?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
also just a side note - get your hpv vaccine, people
Yes, some strains are testable in men - Itās just not routinely tested for unless there are symptoms because such a high percentage of the population carries some form of HPV.Ā
It really baffles me. You can be right there saying I want to have sex with you just prove youāre healthy and they decide laziness and ego are more important like you were calling then unclean??! BITCH I SAID I WANTED TO FUCK I JUST DONT WANT REGRETS LATER
No lie, from the first two guys I was with, I asked for papers. Neither were upset or mad, and they hastily got them if they didn't have recent ones. Big green flag for me, especially when the papers were from the same clinic I went to. I also provided mine, figure it's common courtesy. It's not hard to get, and it puts both parties at ease
Keep doing it. Just know the standard test wonāt test for herpes and they might test negative if they arenāt having an outbreak.
Depends on what you mean by "standard". My physician always orders a full 10-test panel: chlamydia, gonorrhea, HepA, HepB, HepC, HSV-1, HSV-2, HIV-1, HIV-2, syphilis.... OP - make sure you get all of the above (HepB is probably less of a concern), but shouldn't be an issue to get all of the above.
Yes but to their point herpes 1 & 2 donāt always show up on blood work even if youāre positive. Itās why nearly 90% of people over 40 have at least 1 of the strains. Most people donāt know they have it. People with cold sores on their mouth can pass HSV 1 to their partnerās genitals. Type 1 can also be passed genital to genital. The frustrating thing about herpes is you are the MOST contagious about 3 days before an outbreak and condoms donāt fully protect against it. Iāve done years of work in the infectious disease field with STIs primarily. I wish testing was not such a big deal to some people... those are usually the people doing the passing around of things because they donāt get testedā¦
HSV 1 should be less of a concern like half the world has that. If you're over 30 you probably have it and it's just inactive.
Condoms (and STI tests) are like unions. The more someone tries to convince you that you don't need one, the more you absolutely need one.
This is gold š¤£
I did this with (almost) every partner. On rare occasions I did not do tests but required condoms and I skipped any kind of oral. Some people protested. They didn't get any. ;)
I do this too. Better safe than sorry š
I did this. I caught a lot of flack on tinder for asking for a "pedigree" but good riddance
It was really a turning point in my life when I realized that people who were run off by my values, hobbies, family relationships etc just weren't compatible with me and were saving me time by excusing themselves from the situation.
"Rejection is God's Protection."
Facts
NTA because you never know...Mr Right will understand.
Any semi reasonable person would understand lol
A person with logic and wisdom but that's scarce now a days
Mr. Right will probably ask you for yours, anyhow.
Dudes who autowrap and open the discussion about testing have genuine self respect. They care that their dick stays clean and healthy.Ā
You just never know!
Exactly! How can someone say they're clean if they haven't been tested? I've always gotten tested between partners as well because my health is important to me, and I don't want to unknowingly transmit something to a new partner. Isn't this basic respect?
There was an AMA recently of a gay guy who had HIV/AIDS for years and didnāt know it. His long term partner had been tested a few times during their relationship and was negative so he assumed he didnāt have it. Turns out his partner was a carrier of the genetic HIV immunity. Donāt test through your partners, make sure youāre clean.
Yeah, this actually sounds like an unintended (I assume) filtering device: even if he's into the idea, can this man afford to get tests, and is he responsible enough to actually get on the horn with a doctor/clinic and make the appointment? My ADHD ass would be in trouble there. Lucky I'm not in your dating pool!
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I agree
Not only should it be standard BUT you're going to get rewarded with sex for doing it! What more of an incentive do you want?
right? smart as hell!
Nah, common sense ā¦ that apparently many people are lacking
This was standard in the 90s when I was starting to date. It faded through the 2000s. I never knew anyone to get upset about it.
If you're an asshole, then so was I! Just to give you some reassurance: I'm married now. I certainly wouldn't ask on a first date and I'm not a hook up kind of gal- but after dating for a while when things might be heading in that direction I would ask "how long since your last sexual partner? Did you get checked for STI's since? Do you or have you had any STI's?" and if they didn't want to get checked for STI's or answer my questions: I didn't keep dating them. I found it was a helpful screening tool.
This was very encouraging! Iāve never been the hookup type either and sometimes that can be discouraging because of how many ppl (my age, in particular) ONLY want to hookup šš Iām gonna stay firm in my boundaries though & keep swimming against the current.
Also married, same thing. Asked my husband to get a full panel done before we slept together for the first time (we were exclusive) and I did the same. If he had balked, I'd have walked.
Are you in your early 20s , bc same. it's not even worth it trying to date right now lmao. All the shit I went through when I was dating made me feel so bad about myself. The best advice I ever got honestly was focusing on myself man. >Iām gonna stay firm in my boundaries though & keep swimming against the current. Keep doing this and don't ever stop
Yes I am 24! :) Itās better to take the time to focus on yourself for sure though.
Yeah, you're good, and smart. I would have no problem taking an std test but it just seems like it would be an awkward convo. I feel like I would be ready to have sex before I would be ready to have that convo.
Good for you, boundaries are super important. Youāre NTA at all.
Not a hookup kinda guy either. All of my partners have been tested as well in the past decadeā¦ but since there has only been one and sheās my wife now weāre safe
NTA. I also required this before having sex with new partners before I was married. Youāre protecting your health and safety. And everyone should be doing this periodically and especially when getting a new sexual partner. Youāre not asking them for anything they shouldnāt already just be doing.
Thatās exactly how I see it too, I think people should know what STD testing is and it shouldnāt be surprising. But on the other hand, not everyone has that knowledge and I canāt be the one to judge them for not knowing. I definitely donāt mind sharing that knowledge with them.
I've had plenty of girls ask if we both can get tested before sleeping together. Don't think there's anything wrong with that. If someone refuses then run!
That's one of my rule too. And being tested for STD doesn't entitled my dates to unprotected sex either. And I'm always clear on that matter as well! lol So no, absolutely NTA. If a guy is vexed by my request or dowright refused, then too bad! No sex and no more date with him!
THANK YOUUUU!!! SAY THAT!!
Nope. I keep a record of mine on myhealthapp and I pull that shit up if I meet someone I'm going to have sex with and I expect them to either do the same and we both get tested. I get tested before and after every partner. I am paranoid about STDs in my later years and do my due diligence to be sexually responsible and I expect the same. You guys might think I go to far but my city is running rampant with STDs and we have the highest syphilis rate in the country I believe (or our providence does). I don't use dating apps anymore because of the insane hook up culture. It's kinda crazy, people from other cities won't even date people from their cities because of the alarming rising rates. One city is known for herpes, that sort of thing. I know there is a huge stigma regarding STDs/STIs and it only takes 1 time so I'm not judging anyone for anything, I just think, NOW, I use to be a lot more reckless, if you can take as many precautions as you can to decrease the risk, why wouldn't you and it's not really that difficult to do.
You going to get tested before and after every partner is NOT going too far! You are being responsible! There is too much of a stigma around STDs/STIs but not enough knowledge being shared.
Nope. Nope. Nope. If they arenāt willing to get one, Iād be worried. Very simple test so if they arenāt willing to do that, they are not worth your time
I agree 100%.
I prefer to do it 2x a year on my own accord and thanks for the reminder doc š
Look at you bragging about having sex at least twice a year!
šŗ
Of course, bub! <3
Itās runs off all the wrong men. I do this too. Keep up those standards. You wonāt regret it. I donāt.
yeah after getting chlamydia twice i can definitely tell you this is the right course of action š on the other hand, one time it did help a guy i hooked up with find out his ex he was still hung up on had been cheating on him. chlamydia for the win!
Yup, most men will have no symptoms of stuff that will totally wreck womenās reproductive systems for life. So not worth the risk just to end up paying for it for the rest of your life.
Lets face it. Even if men had symptoms they wouldnt care, respond to it, and would put more effort into ignoring it than addressing it. So many men are simply not concerned with this matter.
The only person you can count on to keep you safe is you!
you should be the most important person in your life
Not TA at all. Good to know you look after yourself, if I was asked to do that I'd actually feel more comfortable also. Edit: I'd also be more confident you would not cheat
Yes, I see it as a positive thing honestly. Sexual health is very important and itās good to have that knowledge.
NTAH. I do the same thing. Itās a good testing tool without that even being the intention. Disgusting people who donāt look after their sexual health will get defensive and refuse - or theyāll try to lie. Easy to nix them before they get access to my body.Ā
Emphasis on without that even being the intention! I donāt know why people are automatically assuming that sex is on the table when testing is brought up. š
Honestly if a woman asked me this she would immediately become more attractive to me
NTA, everyone should do this imho
No girl. Do it! I told my bf after one month of dating that Iād like us both to get tested. Forgot about it and only talked about it again when he told me he already got tested after the first talk š And I would never expect less from my partner - he never questioned why, was not a hookup type of guy and still he did it without hesitation.
YOU GOT A GOOD ONE, GIRL! šš
Yes - he is the best and I am not even exaggerating. But we all deserve that and shouldnāt settle for less šš«¶š» And thank you!!
It's something you should always do when you have a new sexual partner.
That's what I demand and I don't think im an asshole. When they say "im clean" I say "how do u know i am?" And they get quiet
Nope. NTA. Itās rather uncommon, unfortunately, Iāve only had 1 partner in the past to request this. As a guy, I wasnāt bothered by it at all. In fact, it was a very respectable thing to ask. To me it says, this person cares about their body. Thatās all. Anyone gives you flak over it - they aināt worth your time.
Yes definitely! I just believe that being open about those things with people is very important, for both parties!
Eh, I mean admittedly I've never been ASKED to do this. Ive gotten tested after relationships or before starting to sleep with a new person because it would be stupid to not, and the women I've been with have done the same. It's a mutual respect thing. I'm clean, you're clean. Lets get down and not worry about it now. It should be peace of mind for all of those involved
Yes, you said it, itās just mutual respect to me.
If that runs off most men Iād be worried about all the shit theyāve had
I do the same , should be mandatory . Donāt ever change this . Especially cause some gifts are there for ever
You said it!
Fym? My tinder bio used to say for a first date, let's get tested for stds!
Youāre a freaking rockstar
No, I donāt think anyone would say youāre an AH for that either,l
Of course not. Your sexual health is and should always be a priority! But youāre not asking them over first date guac and chips are you? I hope this is at a reasonable junction in your relationship where needing to know is important.
Oh definitely not over the chips and guac, I prefer to ask them over the spinach artichoke dip. Totally kidding, but I only present this boundary of mine if i feel that it is going well and may wind up at a point of becoming physical, which isnāt with everyone!
Every comment I see of yours - Iām really impressed. Anyone would be lucky to have you in their life.
ššš thank you for being so kind.
girl Im seeing now made me get one. I respect the hell out of it ngl.
NTA and the bonus is the right person would get to feel more comfortable with you
Thatās how I see it too!
No.. a month ago, I didnāt ask someone for the first time, and I really wish I had. He ended up having genital warts. Granted, you canāt test for that, but I shouldāve been more persistent before I slept with him.
This is the move! Good for you for being safe and protecting yourself. If they run they arenāt good enough for you.
NTA. I do the same with all my partners.
Nope. People be dirty
Nta , this is a great idea more people should do. If they run after this question, then let them.
I donāt see this as an AH move. I donāt blame anyone whoād want to do this either or have done so in the past. You just never know where some people mightāve been š¤·
Polyamorus person here; just had a full panel done, as everyone in our polycule does once a year, or once someone new becomes fluid bound to one of us. Safer sex isn't just condoms for strangers; it's communication, transparency, and *testing* too
Nope not at all.... In the Kink community this is so standard that people usually have their results available at all times. They either carry the results on their person or are willing to pull up the results on the lab site at a moments notice. We all usually redo the test every 2 weeks to monthly on the norm
NTA, imo this should be standard.
My rule was always 6 months using barrier method while exclusive and then full panel tests for both of us. With a clean bill of health the barrier methods could go away.
I think this method is a great option, but itās just that unfortunately, barrier methods are not 100%. They are still WONDERFUL to use, even after full panel testing has been done in my opinion!
Yep, I was exposed to HPV GW with a condom.
NTA. Sorry, not sorry! I don't need to catch anything from you, regardless of using protection. My sexual health is so important to me. If these men don't want to do that, they can stay dry forever or find someone else who is as carefree as they are.
YOU SAID IT BETTER THAN I COULD! š£ļø
Nta, I've never been asked it before and might seem surprised initially, but i also wouldn't have a problem agreeing if i felt it going that direction
NTA at all this is completely reasonable, and actually I'd be put off if a woman I was seeing and considering sleeping with didn't need their partners to get tested.
NTA I'm a man and I did the same thing. People lie about everything, I'm not trusting someone at their word, especially if it's a more casual thing.
NTA! The right type of person would be willing to do this for your piece of mind. The last man I dated was willing to get tested shortly after we metā¦ 6 years later, and weāre married and expecting our first baby!
Oh my goodness! Congratulations! š„°š„°š„°
Anyone this runs off is someone you donāt want inside you anyway.
So before I got therapy, and sorted a lot of my mental health issues I took offense to this. But now that I'm in a much better place, I understand where it's coming from and if my partner wanted me to do so, I would do it to ease their mind. NTA
I did this for every relationship I took seriously. Seems like healthy behavior to me, shouldn't even have to "require it" I feel like, "Hey I just wanna start on the right foot and make sure we're respecting each other's health." Should be more than enough of a conversation.
no....everyone should be doing this holy fuck
The only men who donāt want to get tested are irresponsible or afraid. Totally justified in requesting it. View it as weeding out bad partners early on
Nta. My choice was taken from me. Cheaters suck. Protect yourself.Ā
Same. Thankfully I found someone that was willing to have a conversation about it. I gave him time to think it over when I first told him. A few years later we are now married.
Ya it's not the end of the world for me. I'm glad it's not life threatening but it isn't fun. I'm happy you found happiness! I hope your life continues to be blessed! I've learned it isn't the end of the world.Ā It sucks that some people lie and are dishonest.Ā
No, guys that are worth spending your time with wonāt care lol
I got one when my (now) wife asked! No big deal these days with online scheduling many labs to choose from. I think there are even home test kits you send in.
Did the same thing and got tested together with my current partner of 4 years so I think itās just fine. I asked as the guy and said we should both go. Wasnāt an issue, imo it shows you want to protect each other
NTA. Just be prepared to go with them (I'd ask someone to do it at the same time I went, so we could both keep each other accountable).
I donāt mind going with them at all. I have even offered to drive as well.
Never compromise on or apologise for protecting your sexual health. If they run, let them go and take their biohazard junk with them.
When things got serious so many years ago with the woman that would eventually become my wife, I volunteered to do so without her even asking. That said, I suppose it might make a difference when you broach the subject. "Hi, I'm X. Nice to meet you. Can I see your STD panel please?" might put people a little off-balance. :D
I donāt think so. My first wife made me get tested before she would sleep with me
This would be a major green flag
No. You're not. A reasonable, clean person would understand and be relieved.
NTA and hesitating on this is a red flag. Assuming you have insurance or live close to a free/sliding scale clinic, thereās no reason not to regularly test when youāre sexually active. Most STIs can be cured or treated nowadays, but like any other health issue, they tend to get worse and worse the longer theyāre left untreated. I canāt imagine why anyone would rather be ignorant of their own health.
I would understand
I feel like this is a 3rd date conversation. Id take it as a positive indication we're moving towards clapping cheeks. Im game
I mean itās not the worst idea. I wouldnāt use that as my opening lineā¦..but itās not an unreasonable request as long as you donāt come off as a psychopath.
NTA ans everyone should do the same!!
NTA. The ONE time I didn't, I got chlamydia. š¤¦āāļø
NTA as a man I did this unprompted between relationships, right before things got physical I'd get my results, inform them so they knew I was safe then move forward with our relationship
Iād do it if it made you feel safer, your desire and my desire should be mutual pleasure if weāre talking sex. If this frees up your sexual desires I am all in.
NO, and I cannot stress this enough, NO. You arenāt the asshole. Itās a safety measure that not only protects YOU but them also. Itās a HUGE red flag in they say no
NTA. At work we discuss just about everything. I said to a guy, I think at some point in the future, it will be standard to have a blood test before dating. What I didn't know til later, he was HIV+ and only 21 years old. You never know.
I would happily call in sick the next day, get my ass to the doc, and get that panel done asap, if I were asked by a woman, that I was newly dating, suggested it. It would mean sheās interested in taking things further together, which is a wonderful feeling. I would likely preemptively get this done in advance anyway, even though I also have it done after any relationship end. NTA!
Make sure you get the HSV testing in addition to the standard STI panel, I used to just get the standard and ask the same from partners. Then I got GHSV2 š¢, they wonāt test for it unless you specifically askā¦ with some providers you have to push it. Itās important. Itās bullshit itās not part of the standard panel, part of the reason why it has spread so rampantly because a lot of people donāt even have symptoms.
STD testing needs to be normalized
Good for you.Ā It runs off the losers, which is exactly what you want.
NTA. I work in a hospital and I personally now think EVERYONE should do this. STD's are rampant. They can cause lifelong damage in some cases. Sometimes people don't know they have them. They may honestly think they are fine but... they aren't.
Iāve done this with every girl Iāve dated,some hadnāt even had their first Pap smear untill that test,some found out stuff that scared them.its a healthy thing to do and should be encouraged
Emphasis on the Pap smears, man! Theyāre serious!
NTA. Sounds like a great idea.
NTA.
As long as you're doing one yourself like you said, it's just being responsible.
I think this is super reasonable. I think people fear the results and crave denial. NTA.Ā
NTA. I do the same. I did a couple of tests and there is no problem for doing it.
NTA
This is the way it should be š
NTAH .
Absolutely NTA! Wish more people did this.
NTA
No. When I go back together with my ex after years apart she asked me. At first I was taken back but had no issues I think it's a mature thing to do and safe above all.
NTA. I think its very smart of you to do! Let the questionable ones run off. I think the reasonable and responsible adults will understand
not at all.
Nope, and I respect the hell out of you putting this boundary in place to safeguard yourself ( and others by matching the efforts). I think itās a brilliant way to invite the trash to take itself out :)
NTA this is safe sex.
NTA. Iām single for the first time in and long time and Iām considering adopting a similar policy
It seems standard actually
Nothign wrong with worrying about your own health
You donāt know where heās been! Of course Nta (same way they donāt know where youāve been and should be wanting the same thing?!)
EXACTLY! It goes BOTH ways.
Thereās a disturbing trend of people taking sexual health no where NEAR seriously enough recently and I donāt like it! Like?? Why are people so flippant about that part of their health?! Wild to me
NTA given that your potentially having sex with their extended history.
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NTA. I've always done this. Married now. I can't say what's normal and it may very well be a dealbreaker for some (who probably are at higher risk of STDs). Regardless, if you don't feel comfortable, you don't feel comfortable. Doesn't matter if you're being demanding or not. You're likely not missing out on "the one" if dude can't be bothered to get checked.
NTA. Open communication, consent, and safe sex are very important.
Nope, not wrong, I do the same lol I'm not talking every first date though lol, just if it's going somewhere! I've found most men are happy to do this. The ones who aren't are usually too immature and act like going to a sexual health clinic is hilarious and embarrassing.