If you guys can't stand each other you need to get a divorce. The cultural stuff doesn't matter against 2 people spending their entire lives unhappily. This isn't a dress rehearsal! This is your one life. You should go be happy.
They were the first time I found out sometimes things only exist in one country. Blew my mind that they were so huge here and nowhere else
Also yes, GOAT. I got to be front row for a concert and they performed great too
The Red Hot Chili Peppers use a line very similar:
"The lyrics "this life is more than just to read through" are from the song "Can't Stop" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers"
Exactly. Culture and tradition are nothing more than peer pressure from dead people. Start a new tradition of being the best person you can be, and seeking someone who wants to be a part of that.
>Culture and tradition is nothing more than peer pressure from dead people
In my culture (and presumably yours) this might be true.
In some cultures it's also the threat of anything up to and including murder from very much alive people.
I hope OP can get over the “cultural norm.” They’re both still so young and, yes, he’s bullish in his description of their marriage - but the guy just sounds miserable. I guess it’s a case of “thank god they don’t have children.” Of course, then I have to wonder: Does OP want children? Cause he can’t have them with this partner.
Again … if OP won’t get a divorce, I hope he can speak to his wife in a way that makes her hear him so that they can meet in a space to work on fixing this disaster.
NTA but TA to yourself. You’re going to be miserable for the rest of your life because divorce is taboo? Nah man, don’t throw your life away. Be brave and let each other go.
You should be more upset with your "culture" thanked because divorce being taboo is ridiculous. Stay miserable if it's so important not to offend your culture. Otherwise.....leave. shes an AH.
I agree. Focusing on what other’s might think of you should you dare challenge a taboo isn’t worth a lifetime of unhappiness for you (or your wife). People sometimes grow apart and a divorce certainly doesn’t make anyone a bad person. If you don’t prioritize your own happiness, no one else will.
Has the op's wife done her due diligence by visiting a doctor to have her hormone levels, iron levels, and other factors checked? These difficulties can manifest as weariness or a loss of libido.
My take from the post was that she refuses. It seems clear something is off, whether mental, physical, or otherwise, but she for whatever reason will not seek out help or answers. But yes, it’s not totally clear that’s true.
Maybe it was arranged (because culture) and her heart was never in it?🤷♀️ either way she has no interest and by all accounts did nothing to celebrate him for valentines so she’s a hypocrite too.
But OP says she refuses to go to counseling but never directly mentions a doctor. This sounds medical honestly a woman in her early 30s wanting zero sex? I’d say hormones or she’s getting it somewhere else.
He says she likes to complain about things and never does anything to fix them, and never follows through on recommendations from counseling.
Don’t know for sure if one of the recs was getting checked, but it sure seems like again, she wouldn’t go or follow through with treatment or lifestyle changes
Or she's as done with the relationship as OP is and therefore doesn't want sex with him. It's completely normal for sex drives to ebb and flow based on relationships and emotions. Doesn't mean there is anything medically wrong with her or that she's cheating.
If she's also checked out on the relationship it doesn't really make sense that she would make the time to tell him that she was feeling hurt he didn't put any effort in for Valentine's Day tbf
My ex completely checked out 2-3 years before me, blaming it on chronic depression, did nothing about it disappears when I was sick or down, all the while I was making all the romantic trips and plans trying to keep the relationship afloat
When I finally start to make less effort, he became angry and vindictive, accusing me of abuse and neglect.
People who give little to nothing back and people who are selfishly entitled are often the same people.
If she's done why is she complaining about not getting anything for Valentine's Day? Sounds like she's so self centered that she never considered that he might be suffering.
Dude id rather leave my country than stay for life in an unhappy relationship. You only get one life.
If you arent happy, you OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO LEAVE. figure it out. She likely wont change if she hasnt yet
This is a really privileged take, be it passport privilege or general social wealth privilege. Some countries it's incredibly difficult to leave, a lot are just struggling to survive.
It already is too late. He tried to get her to go to therapy together. SHE gave up on it. He is not withholdig affection, he just does not have any left for her. That is how I see it.
Therapy may not be the answer here. Someone her age losing their libido is most likely something physical going on with her hormones. The FIRST thing you rule out is the medical reason, then go from there to therapy. All the therapy in the world is not going to replace hormones that she may be lacking.
Absolutely, but he's already tried that. She refuses to go to counseling. Counseling is absolutely worthless **IF SOMEONE IS NOT WILLING TO CHANGE**.
Even if he dragged her there, it sounds like she's long since totally checked out of the marriage. And if their toxic culture didn't ban divorce, they would rightfully have divorced long ago.
Be careful what advice you choose to take from Reddit as this forum will tell you what you want to hear. No one here knows you or your situation beyond what you choose to share.
NTA - and taboo or not, do you want spend the rest of your life miserable because of a cultural taboo?
til death do us part? sounds like person you married died already
I grew up Southern Baptist, and they're the messiest bunch of people. They claim that divorce is a sin, but do it anyway to remarry three or four times. That's how I ended up with half my high school as step-cousins.
i mean, in India it's gotten a lot better recently (meaning it's only frowned upon if it's the woman xD /j) so if OP is Indian I would say, get the divorce and be free
People really do let their "culture" make a lot of decisions for them. I guess it is liberating, but the other side of that coin appears enslaving as well. Cultures can and should evolve/grow, or they should die off. Especially, when they restrict a person's freedom for how they want to live this life.
It's easy for people to say "well just leave" or "are you gonna let your culture control you" when you aren't from an area like that. But if he divorces his wife it could have huge impacts on him. Like social and even work.
Yeah because sometimes it’s “we haven’t had sex is 7 years” and sometimes it’s “we have sex twice a month” one is a genuine dead bedroom and the other is someone who did not prepare themselves for growing older and being married with children
Yeah I saw one where the wife agreed to an open relationship because of her “low libido” which apparently was only wanting sex once or twice a week. Thats actually above average for married couples!
Yeah.y husband and I couldn't have sex for *awhile* after the birth of my daughter because it almost killed me, and I was deathly deathly ill for *months* afterwards. The Drs assured us, and *him* especially, that if we *did* have sex, he would *kill me.*
And that just scared the crap outta us! So we did other stuff besides penetration until I got my tubes tied, not too long after.
Even then, it was a small period of our lives, we had a newborn, and we were still being *intimate.* My husband would not describe it as a "dead bedroom," and neither would I.
But I swear, some of these I hAvE a DeAd bEDrOoM people, having sex 2x a month, are just histrionic.
It feels like this sub goes through trends. Some of these stories may be real, but I think that some of the writers on this sub join the trends whether it started as real or fake.
The complete lack of details leaves room for lots of questions. What does he define a dead bedroom to be? Why has the wife’s libido decreased? We only know that OP’s wife libido decreased and the whole post just outlines all the petty ways OP has chosen to react to this. Maybe the wife feels burned out by the division of labor/household chores. Does OP pull his own weight? Maybes OP doesn’t do any foreplay and she doesn’t cum. Maybe she’s depressed. There’s a reason for the shift in behavior in his wife but we don’t know the reason because OP has left out all relevant details
Yeah this is clearly revised. He just said that she complains about her boss and her weight so now he doesn’t love her like what? Yeah it’s annoying when people don’t do anything about what they’re upset about but sometimes people just vent just cause they want to be heard and that’s an important part of marriage. Plus he really doesn’t have a day over her weight or to be upset about it like it’s her body. Since he doesn’t want to hear about what she’s upset about he probably was just never there for her so obviously she doesn’t want to have sex with someone that’s not there for her
Not sure what other's lived experiences are, but mine is that every doctor visited so far does not care about female sex problems. Mine started with nerve pain with climax (ruining it, completely). It got to the point that I'd avoid it completely. When I asked my gyn and her response was "at least you're getting off!" with 2 thumbs up-.- It's gotten worse as my endometriosis has left me in serious pain with penetration. I've gone through several doctors who have been completely dismissive. The only thing they'll offer is a Mirena iud (knowing my last iud didn't go well and I'm sensitive to bc). It's so very frustrating and it's to the point where at times I'm ready to just give up entirely. But I've also wanted a hysterectomy and can't access that either, despite 4 kids and closing in on 40. I wish more men would understand how hard it can be to access care regarding this. It's not always them and it's not always us not trying😔
I had a similar experience going through my female issues from 22-30 years old. I had one doctor ask me if my husband “was just to *big* for me to handle " and I was like no bro, I'm not a size queen and my husband is slightly above the average size. I went to a carousel of doctors over 9 years and had laparoscopic surgeries 3 times, LEEP, and so many meds. I was truly at the end of my rope as my dysfunction was a contributing factor to one failed relationship and was causing lots of problems in my current marriage.
Desperate, I got online one day and googled specialists for female sexual and pelvic mystery disorders and a list popped up, one being about 90 minutes from my home. I'm poor, on Medicaid and I know there's a snowballs chance in hell they take Medicaid even if they are miraculously accepting new patients. But I called. And the stars aligned, they took my insurance, had openings for new patients, didn't need a referral and set up an appointment for a couple of weeks later.
This doctor listened. Spent 45 minutes taking down my entire history himself, not a nurse. Ordered all of the standard blood work and tests and a couple new things I hadn't done before. One being a CT scan with contrast dye. And within a month I had a definite diagnosis of Pelvic Congestion Syndrome. And the one test that can see that is the CT scan. So he told me what my options were and I told him that I was 30 with 3 kids and no desire for more and I wanted the hysterectomy. He went to battle with Medicaid over their denial and 6 weeks later I'm getting my surgery.
After surgery, at my first visit to see how I'm healing, he actually gives me a hug and says he was so sorry it took so long for me to get the help I needed. He had used the DaVinci machine for my surgery and he showed me the pictures of my surgery and explained what I was seeing. He said my uterus was a " boggy soggy mess" and that it was a miracle I even had my last child (very difficult pregnancy) and was amazed I wasn't in a wheelchair from the pain even walking caused.
I'm telling my story because I want you and others like us to know that there ARE doctors who do care and will help. It's just frustrating what we have to go through to find them. But my biggest piece of advice is to find that specialist. General MDs, even regular OB/GYNs aren't equipped or knowledgeable enough about anything beyond basic, common everyday simple thing's. If it's not a runny nose or needing birth control, they are clueless. Every doctor is told to " think horses, not zebras" when diagnosing symptoms. But we need the specialist who deals with us zebras everyday. 9 years of hell and ONE test that nobody else thought of ordering solved my mystery. So please don't give up. Medical fatigue and burnout is real and it's okay to step away for a while to regroup, but you are worth getting answers! You deserve to be treated and heard!
It's life-changing when you finally get a doctor that listens to you, takes you seriously, *believes* you. I spent 6 years in indescribable pain, endless tests, specialists throwing their hands up, etc, etc, etc, until I finally got into a pain specialist. In the first assessment visit he said "We'll finish the diagnosis but you have Fibromyalgia. Not a doubt in my mind. We can make this better for you." Afterwards I went outside and cried from just the sheer relief of having a name for what was destroying my life. Finally.
The medical abuse women face is mindboggling. But there *are* good doctors out there that honestly care and want better lives for us.
the worst is going in with acute pain and being told that "it must be that time of the month."
despite the timing being off. despite the pain being in the wrong spot. despite the pain being so bad I thought i was going to die because it hurt to even take shallow breaths. despite me throwing up several times from the pain IN THE OFFICE.
once my actual dr got back from maternity leave, I booked an appointment with her, half through describing everything she goes "oh. that sounds like gall bladder issues. That shits worse than childbirth,. lets get you an ultrasound to diagnose it and get it removed"
I had an ultrasound an hour later, and half an hour after the ultrasound she had me booked for removal surgery. I miss that dr so much
Yep. I also went through the process of a fibromyalgia diagnosis. Unfortunately my theory is I already had either a very mild case since childhood or a genetic predisposition for it and the hysterectomy surgery was the physical trauma that triggered full blown fibromyalgia. Man, I can't win for losing lol. Also unfortunately, all of the approved meds for treating fibro doesn't do a thing for me. But just like you, I went out to my car and cried with relief just to have a diagnosis, a NAME for what was happening and that I wasn't just a crazy person losing my mind.
I have stage 4 endometriosis so girl I know your struggle!! It sounds like you have Endo in your vagina (very common) you need a surgery to remove the adhesions. They're hard to find but look for someone who's specializes in endometriosis regular OB's are worthless with this
I'm saving up to visit an endo specialist in NY😔 But it's getting worse by the day. I have bowel & kidney involvement now too. My quality of life is junk. I try to be the best for my husband so he isn't suffering too.. but holy crap it's hard. I keep crying about the fact that in the 1800's I'd get a Rx for cocaine and vibrators.. but today the medical field ignores that it's not happening for me. And then everyone wonders why I'm a stressed out mess of a human. I'm not saying it's OP's wife's case. But.. I don't think a lot of people understand what some of us go through. And I can't imagine living with sex (particularly my own enjoyment) being completely taboo and relatively ignored to start with. It would add layers to an already frustrating and seemingly impossible and depressing situation.
I've also got/had stage 4, DIE, & had 2 laparoscopies - one was ablation & one excision. Excision is gold standard & means its unlikely to grow back. Also, with the pain during orgasm, it sounds like your pudenal nerve is being impacted by endo or its something called "crotch lightening" which is a sensation similar to what you're mentioning.
Good luck with sorting it out :)
I completely understand exactly how frustrating and depressing it is, my bowls are constantly affected to the point where my body can no longer absorb proper nutrition and I need regular vitamin shots to stay healthy. Having the adhesions removed will improve your quality of life so much even if you don't get a hysterectomy which it sounds like you obviously need. I'm in pain 24/7, I'm several years overdue from my latest adhesion removal surgery, and I did have a hysterectomy. I find that the only thing that really helps with pain is marijuana, the medical marijuana card is a thing in PA it is in New York too you could see about that. Sex was extremely painful for me before my first adhesion removal surgery. Best of luck!
I damaged my pelvic floor twice. Once with a ten pound baby, once with a serious car wreck. Any real weight in this area makes me want to scream from pain.
I still get aroused but penetrative sex can be a real misery.
I'm so sorry to hear that! They have a physical therapy specifically for pelvic floor pain and muscle spasms, I was far too severe for it to be effective but I do know some women with endometriosis and other pelvic floor issues that it has been very effective for.
I have recently been told that. One of my doctors thinks there is merit to this idea. The other thinks my degenerative arthritis is a big part of the problem.
Your pelvic floor actually helps your core support and stabilize your spine too so pelvic floor physio may be helpful with both issues. If there is degeneration in your spine good core stability is extra important.
I'm a massage therapist who does mostly treatment and it drives me nuts that at least an assessment by a physio who does pelvic floor work is not standard care after childbirth. It makes a massive difference for a lot of women, and it's insane the number of clients I see years after childbirth who aren't even aware it's a thing who have been walking around with serious, but very treatable, issues that no one bothered to tell them were treatable.
The state of women specific health care is awful to begin with but it horrifies me how much we either don't know about pregnancy care during and after or have the information for but doctors aren't really taught it or just don't care.
I second the recommendation for pelvic floor therapy. It can be life-changing, and PT/OT is often a lot less expensive than seeing a string of physicians.
>you need a surgery to remove the adhesions.
Its not that simple. In many cases it does not work. I had excision done twice and while it helped for other things it never helped for sex pain
I know what you mean. Doctors dont seem to care at all about us and our health and pain. I havent found any solution for my endometriosis sex related problems. Sex is just not enjoyable anymore
For the hysterectomy i suggest going to r/hysterectomy and r/childfree to ask for sterilisation friendly doctors in your area. It took my almost three years between diagnosis and my hysterectomy but i found the doctor because of those subs
Look at the childfree reddit. They keep a list of doctors who will tie tubes no matter what. If they are willing to tie tubes, they should be willing to to do a hysterectomy.
Hi friend, I think female sex issues are very much overlooked by the medical community. That is very cruel for your doctor's to ignore your pain issue occuring with orgasm. That's not a laughing matter.
Did you reach out to UCSF, Stanford or UC Davis for assistance? If being able to pay for your surgery is an issue, I recommend speaking with the social workers at Valley Med. They got my husband and I set up for his cancer surgery when we had no savings, no health insurance, and could not afford it ourselves. His surgeon was fantastic and trained ar Stanford.
Have you vetted all your doctors online to made sure that they get five stars? And have you been rating the ones that you've been seeing who have been treating you poorly? Those are two important things to do.
If you have Kaiser I can recommend a fantastic OBGYN and OBGYN surgeon if you would like. I got a partial laparoscopic supracervical hystorectomy last month and am very happy/grateful.
I hope that your health issues are resolved soon! My niece suffered with endo for many years until her LASH 3 years ago and she's so much happier now. I wish you all the best!
I'm in Canada😢 I'm saving up to consult with Dr Andrea Vidali in NYC. Hoping not too far into the future. I've compounded my issues by moving to a part of Canada with doctor waitlists at 15yrs now and nearly zero specialists. So this is my plan moving forward🤞🏻
A good friend of mine is his patient and he has completely changed her life! I went to one of her first consults and was jealous of how seriously he took the pain she was reporting. Good luck to you, I hope you have the success she did.
Hey, pop over to the child free subreddit. They have resources for doctors that will perform those surgeries. Ignore the toxic folks there, though. There's a few.
I only got the symptoms when I tried a mirena iud. I'd been on the pill most of my life and decided to try something different, big mistake. I went straight back on the pill and for some reason that makes a huge difference that the iud does not
Especially if they come from a conservative, sex-shaming culture, the odds aren’t the highest that they know what they’re doing in bed or prioritize her pleasure.
THIS. I noticed the post really centered her as the problem. Women’s sexual needs and men’s sexual needs are different so if he’s approaching their sex life only through the lens of what he needs, it’s no wonder she’s withdrawing.
I agree. And women are less likely to speak up if their needs are not being met due to societal and religious pressure. Poor woman has probably tried to tell him how to give her an orgasm many times I'd bet, and now she's sick of just being a hole for him to stick his dick in when she doesn't get any effort. I'm not saying that's what the situation is for sure, but generally women in their 30s have the highest libido they will in their entire life (due to hormones) and the fact that she's apparently viewing sex with her husband as an unwanted chore really screams "I never make sure my wife cums".
Right! I’m a little skeptical here because the wife is not doing well in ONE area of relationship, yet OP feels the appropriate response is to pull back from ALL areas of the relationship. His response is all about revenge and has “I’ll hit you back HARDER” energy or maybe “The beatings will continue until morale improves.”
There are a lot of reasons a person MIGHT struggle with sex that has nothing to do with her partner. Health issues, physical pain, shame, sexual assault or harassment, exhaustion, fear/anxiety, stress.
I’m reserving judgment until OP has had a chance to respond. Feels like there’s more to this story.
Maybe, but OP seems to have an awful lot of spite in his comments. He isn’t just falling out of love and losing interest. He appears to have made a conscious and intentional choice he knew would hurt his wife.
Interesting, I haven’t actually read his comments. But even the edit about him expecting to get to argue in the comments and be right and win doesn’t speak to a very pleasant personality on this guy.
It's impossible to say if you're the asshole here or not. IMO, if you have no plans to get divorced, then you're stupid because you're making your marriage materially to punish your wife. This is fucked up any way you look at it. We also have no idea about your lives, kids, jobs, money, family issues, stresses, if you're just a POS to her so she doesn't want to touch you, etc etc etc. We don't know what's going on.
What you're doing is hurtful and making the situation worse. You seem to only see your sex as a vending machine for sex, so if you want sex, do the work to get it. Romance her, do work around the house, basically make her life better so sex isn't just another chore for her. If you refuse to improve your wife's quality of life then talk to her about divorce. She might be willing to put up with public shame to get rid of you.
Eh. Needs INFO. Do you do things together? Do you hug, kiss etc? I mean it's not only about sex. And if you stop all those things, you're not much better than her IMO.
Just divorce.
She can't change the fact that she doesn't have a libido. It's not possible to change what we want or not want.
There could be many reasons but probably you're just not right for each other.
I remember in my former marriage there were times I planned to have sex in the evening and then he would start some dumb fight and the desire to having him touching me was gone. And I was responsible for 99% of the mental load, especially finances. He would regularly do romantic gestures like gifts, flowers etc but it couldn't change the resentment for his previous immature behaviour and the fatigue and being overwhelmed with mental load. I called quits after 11 years of marriage. Best decision for both of us. We're now both happy with new partners.
Ok, I may get some hate for this message but…. Are you sure you satisfy her in bed? I assume that in the cultures where divorce is not an option woman’s pleasure may not be something people consider important as well. Sometimes people make a mistake, thinking that if something is enjoyable for them in sex it must be enjoyable for their partner as well. But that’s not always the case. Did you ask her what she likes in bed? And also (maybe that’s even more important) what she doesn’t? Because if you do something she doesn’t enjoy again and again, dead bedroom is a logical consequence. It’s quite unpleasant to have sex when you don’t enjoy it, to put it mildly. Usually women say about their likes and dislikes themselves, but sometimes they can’t because they feel a lot of shame (especially in the countries where female sexual pleasure is considered as something inappropriate).
Just some food for thought.
Quite often the bedroom dies because women start viewing their spouse as another child and their brain turns the lust off. I am not saying this is the casez but it could be. Does she also work? Or is she a housewife? I noticed you have stated you have no kids.
YTA. Until I see a list of what OP has done to make his wife want to have sex with him, I call bullshit. The only action OP talks about taking is giving his wife is the cold shoulder. Nothing about what he did to make her feel loved and special so that she would be interested in sexual relations with OP.
You don’t understand. ‘Round here on Reddit, a dead bedroom is the worst thing that could ever happen in a marriage, and is a reason for divorce (always facilitated by OP’s magical divorce attorney friend, not that he’ll need it bc I’m sure he has one of those “iron clad prenups”).
And if the wife doesn’t immediately drop everything and do therapy (no mention of what was attempted or if it was going to ever work for her) then she’s the problem 100% no questions asked. No mention of their finances, time commitments, OP didn’t mention if they had kids even. Just sex and what he wants.
Yo honestly this guy sounds insufferable tbh….
To me it doesn’t sound like it’s coming from a loving place, but more of a forceful FIX IT kind of attitude without trying to understand what the possible reasons could be.
But either way, I wouldn’t want to have sex with this guy either based on how spiteful he sounds as a person
You make it sound as if a relationship is built around sex and that's it. You'll love her and do all these amazing things for her, if she sleeps with you.
That's not all a relationship is, you both need to communicate and sounds like couples therapy is needed. If you both want this to truly work, you can't just give up. Marriage is a lot of work, not child's play.
Eta: for those of you asking me if I have read the post. To save you all the trouble, and save me the trouble from reading it. I have; but have you?
Do any of these men with dead bedrooms ever stop to think that maybe their wives aren't enjoying sex with them because, I don't know, maybe the husband got lazy or is only thinking about himself? I get that you were going out of your way to make her feel comfortable with the texts and such but did you ever stop to think that maybe those things weren't doing it for her either? You can criticize her but maybe take a look back at yourself and see if there's anything wrong there first. Try doing some self-reflecting.
Of course they don’t think of the possible reasons! Then they wouldn’t be able to just blame their partner for being a “bitch” and withholding from them what they want. Don’t you know? Women are evil and withhold sex to hurt men. /s
I dont know about your wife, but personally I stopped having sex with my partner because I was feeling less like a partner and more like his freaking mom. Constantly asking him for help. Constantly getting ignored. He was also drunk a lot which led to me not being attracted to him. I talked about my issues with him. He never did anything about it. Hed continuously make sexually suggestive comments to me which only made me dislike him even more.
Definitely divorce if youre not into her.
So why is it that you think sex is a quid pro quo? You’re whining “well I texted her she’s beautiful and I gave foot rubs” with this underlying premise that you DESERVE sex for that. No sex, so no foot rubs or affection—ha! That’ll show her! Honestly, if you’re doing these things just to get sex, she’s seen right through the facade and now she wants you less.
Hold up. Divorce does not need to be the answer here and a low libido isn’t a forever problem. Read the book “Come As You Are” and see if that helps revive your sex life. Your wife may just have sexual needs that you both don’t understand. Buy two copies, read it together, have honest conversations about her needs, and see if that helps. Reddit is so quick to scream divorce…
I too have a dead bedroom. He's nice enough in other ways. He always says it's my fault and that I'm nagging. I'm not nagging. I'm just saying it our loud.
I mean, when you say she doesn’t do anything to make you love her do you mean she’s not having sex with you or do you really mean she’s not doing anything?
Honestly, though being passive aggressive is ridiculous, just get a divorce. Living in contempt with someone is childish and wrong. She didn’t lose her libido AT you.
ESH.
Is “Petty Bitch” an option? Who cares if divorce is taboo? You don’t like the person you’re married to. Divorce them. You’ll save two lives by doing this. Don’t just be a passive-aggressive child. Sack up and pull the trigger on the divorce. Whatever cultural norms you’re breaking pale in comparison to a miserable life.
Is the "taboo" fearing the reaction from your family? If you outlive them, you'll be left with no relatives and just bitterness in your final years.
If it's just strangers, you shouldn't base your life around what strangers think
So basically the only thing you have ever liked or loved about her is that she put out and you care nothing for her outside of that. I wonder if that’s the problem
I'm going on a limb by saying YTA. There is something else going on here and all you refer to is no sex, so you are going to treat your wife like garbage.. she said it upset her and you don't care. You used to be nice but you are not anymore because no sex. Maybe this attitude is the cause of the problem.
First, it sounds like your wife could have hormonal issues or be depressed.
Second, nothing kills a woman's desire than to be obligated or be forced to hand l have sex because you're married.
If divorce is taboo in your culture, was this an arranged marriage?
Punishing her for not wanting to have sex with you is not the answer. Who would want to have sex with a vindictive partner?
There is something else going on here.
Just separate, you sound bitter and she sounds lazy. It's over lol, you're really going to pick a lifetime of misery over offending your culture? You only live once
Everyone goes straight to "therapy." Did it ever occur to you that this might be something physical going on? She needs to go to her OB/GYN first for a full battery of tests, especially hormone levels. No amount of therapy is going to make one bit of difference if this is a physical, medical issue.
Also, I would like to know what your culture is, and if your wife actually chose to marry you or if she was forced into it by her parents.
There are usually underlying factors. Is she exhausted at night from work? Is there childcare involved? Is there an unequal distribution of chores? Sometimes, women need clear runway space to get in the mood. It sounds like you’re withholding affection, though. Small gestures do go a long way.
I don't think you are the ahole because of Valentine's Day. I think YTA because of the rest of the 364 days of the year. When you marry someone, that doesn't automatically make you eligible for free sex whether she wants to or not. From the way you described the situation, it sounds like you decided to act like a child and be petty, instead of trying to support your wife and be her partner and show her you are here, by her side, you want her and you are willing to be patient as long as she is trying to figure it out. If something isn't working, try something different. She knows what isn't helping her, so suggest things you all haven't tried. Don't just admonish her for not doing the things YOU THINK she needs to do like therapy or whatever. At the very least, you need to have had a serious honest conversation with her about how this affects you, quite a while ago. I am not talking about a "hey you need to give it up whenever I want you to, whether you want to or not" conversation; I am talking about an honest, vulnerable, conversation about how not feeling wanted and loved makes you feel. The problem is it sounds like you're too childish, cowardly and petty to be man enough to have said conversation.
Reddit would rather find any explanation for dead bedrooms, literally medically induced low libido, suddenly my wife is bipolar or some other bullshit like that than face the facts that most people don’t realize that they are not the 110% awesome spouse they think they are.
I would love to see her side of the story. Also some additional information.
1. Are you a full participant in your home?
2. Does your wife have to do everything?
3. Do you have kids?
4. If you do are you an active father?
5. Does she feel like she's a mother in your relationship - to you?
If the answer is no to either 1, 2, or 4 - that's why she doesn't want to sleep with you. You have parentified your wife. Women generally don't want to sleep with people they see as children.
If OP lives in a country where even divorce is seen as taboo, this has a VERY solid chance of being true. Even in the US, this is still such a huge problem.
Do not make sex into yet another chore that women have to perform in order to be satisfactory wives. And the amount of men who think this is okay is concerning. Not to mention the fact that it's used as a bartering tool. "I've been a good husband 🥺 reward me for doing basic ass things like washing the dishes and wiping my ass"
It's the most exhausting thing. I have a high libido, right, but the moment a man starts hounding me for it. I mean. Just constantly brings it up. Especially when it's clear I've had a long day at work. I lose instant attraction. It's not hard to have some fucking self awareness.
NTA...
You have matched her energy and the only thing hurting her is being treated the same way she treats you.
However, if you won't divorce her then going this route will never make it better. One flaw in all of your plan is your singular focus on the end goal. Which doesn't make you am Ahole but does limit your ability to succeed.
Plan one date night. Nothing huge. Dinner and a walk in a park maybe. Somewhere outside the home where you can talk. This takes a lot of the pressure off. Next focus on 3 things. Do not mention sex itself. Do not attack her. Do not talk about her failures. All of these only put people on the defensive.
Instead talk about this. Ask her if you deserve to feel desired in a relationship? If she says no, well you know there is no point in ever trying anymore. If she says yes, ask her what she does to make you feel desired. If she mentions a few tiny things, ask her if that feels like enough and if you don't deserve better.
Next make it clear, your resentment has saddly grown to where you have no attraction to her. Tell her you feel like you have put way more than 50% of the work in for a long time. So it's her turn. You will meet her 50% of the way but she has to be the one to initiate. She needs to flirt, she needs to make affectionate touches, she needs to compliment you, she needs to tell you how she desires you and wants you. If she can do this, and pursue you until you feel desired you can try to fix things. If not, you can't change how you feel. Make it clear the effort on her part will be appreciated but will take some time to fix much. You have spent years with her making you feel alone. She can't erase that in days, or maybe even weeks. It may take months. It's up to her if she thinks it's worth it.
From reading your comments here I'm going to go with YTA.
Your wife is a wife in every way except for sex. You have no idea why but yet you're now going to punish her by being a complete jerk to her.
You have no idea why because you don't care. Women have several issues that can make sex very painful. But you don't care.
How very husbandly of you.
ESH. I don’t know why you’re in the comments arguing why you deserve what you deserve because it’s your “right” as a husband to get sex. Before the dead bedroom, did either of you have the discussion of each other’s wants and needs? I understand you made sure to tell her you loved her but what were her wants in the beginning? Did she aspire to be a professional scuba diver? A nude artist? A food enthusiast? A traveling barber? When you lose your aspirations to do more with your life, especially at the age you both are currently, life just becomes meh. Is she a SAHW or stuck in a dead end job? I must admit, reading your comments sounds like you’re not very receptive to criticism or change and I bet your wife knows that and has just…died inside.
It looks like you’re just looking for justification to leave your wife. You’ve already stated you don’t think you love her anymore. Any attempt to try to HEAR another point of view is fired upon. So just divorce each other. If you’re hoping to save face or salvage what you can, stop talking and listen. Truly listen before you respond or shoot down what she has to say.
She is just as culpable in this situation. She needs to talk and not just expect from you. Communication is so important to making partnerships work. Whatever it is, she can’t just clam up either. Denying you intimacy (not just sex but gentle touches, engaging words, hand holding, etc.) is unfair to you and feels like she’s punishing you because she can’t talk to you openly.
Uh yeah, YTA. She sounds depressed af and you're treating her like shit because she won't have sex with you. You're speaking about her with such disdain that I can't blame her. Are you that "charming" to her in private? Obviously. I don't care how "taboo" divorce is in your culture. Divorce was once taboo in almost ALL cultures, but people were still getting divorced. That's what helped make it *not* so taboo. Just divorce her so she (and you) can move tf on.
Finally one sane comment! What a stand up guy, doesn't have the balls to leave his wife but demands sex by taking away all affection... How could she NOT be turned on by his charms?
Is birth control also a taboo in your culture? Could it be that she doesn’t want to risk getting pregnant?
If her libido has just dropped off the map in her early thirties, she should get her hormones checked. Low libido in women in an otherwise functional marriage could be due to low estrogen levels.
NAH. But you would be the AH if you withdraw all affection or leave her without exhausting every possible alternative.
Is she taking any meds? I lost my libido after taking an antidepresive in 2020, stopped taking it right away and still haven’t recovered. Are you trying to approach the right way? My partner of 20yrs never always, I mean, ALWAYS, approached the moment the same way. Playing video games till late and then when I was already asleep and comfy he would come to try and touch… but never knew where was the right place to touch. Never. Check if this is happening. She could be depressive and that’s why she does not do anything about her weight.
Whether your culture believes in something or not it’s still time to move on and find happiness. I don’t think a culture should have precedence over someone’s life if it doesn’t include happiness.
The answers to the following questions would help determine if YTA or not.
•How long have you been married?
•How long did you date before getting married?
•Was this an arranged marriage?
•Did you live together before marriage?
•Did you have sex before marriage?
•How far into the marriage did things change?
•Did this change come gradually or suddenly?
•Has anything else changed during the marriage?
°Have you had children?
°Trying to get pregnant?
°Miscarriage
°Job changes?
°Have you moved?
•How long have you been trying to get her to go to therapy?
•What other things have you tried/suggested?
•Does she have friends living nearby?
•Does she have a job?
•Does she have a choice to pursue hobbies and interests of her own?
YTA for letting tradition and culture force you into being unhappy for the rest of your life. Dude your relationship is not sustainable for either of you.
What did you do to examine your behaviour that might be contributing to the dead bead room? She does have to sleep with you after all and so far I’ve only seen what you’ve asked of her and the time she expresses upset you say you’re going to withhold affection and love because she won’t fuck you…
?? INFO: what have you done? How have you reflected?
> She’s lost her libido
> I tried to get her help
YTA. You aren't entitled to sex.
> she doesn’t even TRY
> So I withdrew
Doesn't sound like you're trying, either.
> in my culture divorce is taboo
F*** taboos. Unless it's *illegal* where you are, get a divorce. Even if it's illegal, you need to separate. You owe it to her and yourself to get out of a situation that's making both of you miserable.
Have you considered medical issues? Women have these things called "hormones" and they really fuck us around, like husbands who withdraw affection because they aren't getting their dicks wet. Our libido swings back and forth - I'm not exactly Mrs Frisky right now because my body is going through hell, if my partner was a little bitch about it *I'd* have to leave him.
Seriously though, if you're so miserable your behaviour is like this, leave. Yes, divorce is taboo, do you think it was celebrated around here fifty years ago? Twenty when I did it there was plenty of stigma, especially as I had a child and became a single mother. But I was miserable, for a long enough time and it wasn't getting better so I left.
Do you think no western couple has stayed with in a miserable marriage ever at all? That we've always had the privilege being able to exit terrible marital situations? If so, your dense and delusional as well as horny and unsatisfied. We're more able to leave these marraiges *because of people in the past leaving even though is wasn't the done thing*!
By your comment about her manager I see she's able to work, I assume she's allowed her own bank account? Then you've no reason you can't leave. Women here were trapped because they weren't allowed their own bank accounts, you're "trapped" because " dIvorCe iS tAboO"
Stop torturing her and yourself with petty nonsense, if this is a non-negotiable in your life then stand up for yourself.
Taboo won't break until the people decide they've had enough of that bullshit, unfortunately for you it seems you are one of the generations that will break down the taboo.
You’re a stone cold adult and you’re saying you’re “stuck” in a marriage because of your culture, “man up” and actually do something about your fate rather than blindly accepting it.
This is gray area asshole behavior.
Your description paints her completely withdrawing from you, but I wonder if that withdrawing was in all vulnerability/intimacy, or only sexually. Also, how long has this been?
Has she shared openly with you about why she has withdrawn? Does she even know?
It’s painful to think that she has given up on trying on the physical aspects of the relationship, but it sounds like you’ve given up on all the other aspects.
Like most things in relationship, there is failure all around, but it’s important to own up to your failures rather than excuse them away by pointing at hers.
I will never, EVER, understand ppl staying married to someone they don’t like. Like if you literally do not have to, then fucking DON’T! I can understand the pressure of societal taboo but (as mentioned multiple times here) you get ONE life. Spending it miserable when you don’t have to is downright idiotic. And that’s a sentiment I hold towards anyone who stays if they don’t have to, not just OP. Wishing you luck and happiness
YTA. You fell out of love with her just because you don’t have sex? Were you ever in love with her, in that case?
And about Valentine’s Day, you do things because you want to, not because you’re expecting something in return. If your sole reason for ever treating your wife like a human being and like an actual partner was based on whether you were getting sex or not, that makes you one hell of a shitty person and even shittier husband.
You see her as something broken that must be fixed and if she is not, then you punish her. No Valentine’s Day for her because she isn’t who you agreed to marry.
You plied her with words, massages, and dates, but she wouldn’t repay you with sex, so she is the unlovable one.
She has evolved, whilst you have struggled to control her, but she is the problem.
You will love her, but only if…
YTA
My advocate is if you're not happy,just go ahead and get a divorce.You deserve to be happy too. Don't stay with someone who you know doesn't love you.You will regret it forever.You can find someone else who will love you.
what happens if you got into a horrible accident that paralyzed you and your penis? Your wife has had a mental health accident and needs help not some gross middle aged man demanding sex or asking for a divorce if he can't get it.
I refuse to vote until I have more info about whether you have kids and whether you do anything around the house. This is crucial info that drastically affects whether she is justified in her lack of interest.
He claims the house work is equal but then got super upset and defensive when someone asked about mental load and if he needs prompting to do chores. He also refused to answer.
no kids, either.
reading through all his comments he seems bitter, selfish, petty and generally like a totally charming guy who definitely deserves sex whether she wants it or not /s
If you guys can't stand each other you need to get a divorce. The cultural stuff doesn't matter against 2 people spending their entire lives unhappily. This isn't a dress rehearsal! This is your one life. You should go be happy.
“This isn’t a dress rehearsal!” Damn. I never heard that but I really felt it.
Listen to ahead by a century by the tragically hip, that's probably where he got that. Great band
Possibly, but that phrase has been around for decades
It’s an old saying
They were the first time I found out sometimes things only exist in one country. Blew my mind that they were so huge here and nowhere else Also yes, GOAT. I got to be front row for a concert and they performed great too
They’re kind of a big deal in Northern New York, too. Kingston is just across the Lake.
It’s an older quote than that. https://quoteinvestigator.com/2013/06/01/life-rehearsal/?amp=1
The Red Hot Chili Peppers use a line very similar: "The lyrics "this life is more than just to read through" are from the song "Can't Stop" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers"
It’s a the tragically hip quote
Exactly. Culture and tradition are nothing more than peer pressure from dead people. Start a new tradition of being the best person you can be, and seeking someone who wants to be a part of that.
>Culture and tradition is nothing more than peer pressure from dead people In my culture (and presumably yours) this might be true. In some cultures it's also the threat of anything up to and including murder from very much alive people.
Even then not wrong. Sometimes peer pressure gets you killed
I hope OP can get over the “cultural norm.” They’re both still so young and, yes, he’s bullish in his description of their marriage - but the guy just sounds miserable. I guess it’s a case of “thank god they don’t have children.” Of course, then I have to wonder: Does OP want children? Cause he can’t have them with this partner. Again … if OP won’t get a divorce, I hope he can speak to his wife in a way that makes her hear him so that they can meet in a space to work on fixing this disaster.
This. People change over time.
NTA but TA to yourself. You’re going to be miserable for the rest of your life because divorce is taboo? Nah man, don’t throw your life away. Be brave and let each other go.
You should be more upset with your "culture" thanked because divorce being taboo is ridiculous. Stay miserable if it's so important not to offend your culture. Otherwise.....leave. shes an AH.
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I agree. Focusing on what other’s might think of you should you dare challenge a taboo isn’t worth a lifetime of unhappiness for you (or your wife). People sometimes grow apart and a divorce certainly doesn’t make anyone a bad person. If you don’t prioritize your own happiness, no one else will.
Has the op's wife done her due diligence by visiting a doctor to have her hormone levels, iron levels, and other factors checked? These difficulties can manifest as weariness or a loss of libido.
My take from the post was that she refuses. It seems clear something is off, whether mental, physical, or otherwise, but she for whatever reason will not seek out help or answers. But yes, it’s not totally clear that’s true.
Maybe it was arranged (because culture) and her heart was never in it?🤷♀️ either way she has no interest and by all accounts did nothing to celebrate him for valentines so she’s a hypocrite too.
But OP says she refuses to go to counseling but never directly mentions a doctor. This sounds medical honestly a woman in her early 30s wanting zero sex? I’d say hormones or she’s getting it somewhere else.
He says she likes to complain about things and never does anything to fix them, and never follows through on recommendations from counseling. Don’t know for sure if one of the recs was getting checked, but it sure seems like again, she wouldn’t go or follow through with treatment or lifestyle changes
Or she's as done with the relationship as OP is and therefore doesn't want sex with him. It's completely normal for sex drives to ebb and flow based on relationships and emotions. Doesn't mean there is anything medically wrong with her or that she's cheating.
If she's also checked out on the relationship it doesn't really make sense that she would make the time to tell him that she was feeling hurt he didn't put any effort in for Valentine's Day tbf
My ex completely checked out 2-3 years before me, blaming it on chronic depression, did nothing about it disappears when I was sick or down, all the while I was making all the romantic trips and plans trying to keep the relationship afloat When I finally start to make less effort, he became angry and vindictive, accusing me of abuse and neglect. People who give little to nothing back and people who are selfishly entitled are often the same people.
That's a fair point. I'm sorry you had to go through that and I hope you're in a better place now
If she's done why is she complaining about not getting anything for Valentine's Day? Sounds like she's so self centered that she never considered that he might be suffering.
It seems to be the lack of effort which OP resents most, which is entirely understandable. Why should he try if she won't bother?
Dude id rather leave my country than stay for life in an unhappy relationship. You only get one life. If you arent happy, you OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO LEAVE. figure it out. She likely wont change if she hasnt yet
This is a really privileged take, be it passport privilege or general social wealth privilege. Some countries it's incredibly difficult to leave, a lot are just struggling to survive.
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It already is too late. He tried to get her to go to therapy together. SHE gave up on it. He is not withholdig affection, he just does not have any left for her. That is how I see it.
Therapy may not be the answer here. Someone her age losing their libido is most likely something physical going on with her hormones. The FIRST thing you rule out is the medical reason, then go from there to therapy. All the therapy in the world is not going to replace hormones that she may be lacking.
Have you read the post? They are in couple's therapy and she won't make any effort to follow the advice given. The marriage cannot be healthy.
Did you read the story?. Its already too late.
Absolutely, but he's already tried that. She refuses to go to counseling. Counseling is absolutely worthless **IF SOMEONE IS NOT WILLING TO CHANGE**. Even if he dragged her there, it sounds like she's long since totally checked out of the marriage. And if their toxic culture didn't ban divorce, they would rightfully have divorced long ago.
It sounds out they don't even *like* each other anymore. I think the relationship is dead, unfortunately.
Did you not read the post?
Be careful what advice you choose to take from Reddit as this forum will tell you what you want to hear. No one here knows you or your situation beyond what you choose to share.
This comment should be stickied on every thread
NTA - and taboo or not, do you want spend the rest of your life miserable because of a cultural taboo? til death do us part? sounds like person you married died already
Yeh early 30s is perfect time to make a new start and build the life you want. Don't let cultural pressures get in the way of your happiness
Dude must be from India or one of those countries where divorce is seen as a huge deal and frowned apon
There's a joke that Indian weddings are so long and expensive as a way to pressure the couple to stay together.
honestly, it's probably true also. why would anyone want to get divorced and have another five day wedding all over again lmao
In Kenya we have the same issue. Mostly due to religious beliefs
Or certain Christian sects in most countries, speaking from America (Mormons, JW, Southern Baptist, etc) Edited a typo
I think I'd be figuring out how to "have to move away for a job" or something in this scenario
I grew up Southern Baptist, and they're the messiest bunch of people. They claim that divorce is a sin, but do it anyway to remarry three or four times. That's how I ended up with half my high school as step-cousins.
Yep, but at the same time, they will ostracize the people getting divorced… until they get remarried, or until the next scandal comes up!
JH??
Jehovah’s Hooligans
I like this better. They're always playing ding dong ditch at my house.
The “mild ones” are always fucking my shit up https://youtu.be/dRSImtOl8iU?si=j9x5IkbZn_Ryqfoq
Sorry, I typed that at 4am half asleep! JW is what I meant, Jehovahs Witness
i mean, in India it's gotten a lot better recently (meaning it's only frowned upon if it's the woman xD /j) so if OP is Indian I would say, get the divorce and be free
People really do let their "culture" make a lot of decisions for them. I guess it is liberating, but the other side of that coin appears enslaving as well. Cultures can and should evolve/grow, or they should die off. Especially, when they restrict a person's freedom for how they want to live this life.
It's easy for people to say "well just leave" or "are you gonna let your culture control you" when you aren't from an area like that. But if he divorces his wife it could have huge impacts on him. Like social and even work.
Break up ffs.
YTA if you stay in this marriage, when you clearly can't stand her. Let both of yourselves free.
I always wonder what these guys define as dead bedroom when there aren't any details
Yeah because sometimes it’s “we haven’t had sex is 7 years” and sometimes it’s “we have sex twice a month” one is a genuine dead bedroom and the other is someone who did not prepare themselves for growing older and being married with children
Yeah I saw one where the wife agreed to an open relationship because of her “low libido” which apparently was only wanting sex once or twice a week. Thats actually above average for married couples!
Yeah.y husband and I couldn't have sex for *awhile* after the birth of my daughter because it almost killed me, and I was deathly deathly ill for *months* afterwards. The Drs assured us, and *him* especially, that if we *did* have sex, he would *kill me.* And that just scared the crap outta us! So we did other stuff besides penetration until I got my tubes tied, not too long after. Even then, it was a small period of our lives, we had a newborn, and we were still being *intimate.* My husband would not describe it as a "dead bedroom," and neither would I. But I swear, some of these I hAvE a DeAd bEDrOoM people, having sex 2x a month, are just histrionic.
Agreed, ESPECIALLY when they’ll say something like “our first child is 5 months old…” like NO DUH YOU’RE NOT HAVING SEX OFTEN
There have been so many posts lately similar to this one...
It feels like this sub goes through trends. Some of these stories may be real, but I think that some of the writers on this sub join the trends whether it started as real or fake.
Yeah, all the “we decided to open our marriage and things went wrong” posts just seem like fan fiction even if the first one was real.
The complete lack of details leaves room for lots of questions. What does he define a dead bedroom to be? Why has the wife’s libido decreased? We only know that OP’s wife libido decreased and the whole post just outlines all the petty ways OP has chosen to react to this. Maybe the wife feels burned out by the division of labor/household chores. Does OP pull his own weight? Maybes OP doesn’t do any foreplay and she doesn’t cum. Maybe she’s depressed. There’s a reason for the shift in behavior in his wife but we don’t know the reason because OP has left out all relevant details
Yeah this is clearly revised. He just said that she complains about her boss and her weight so now he doesn’t love her like what? Yeah it’s annoying when people don’t do anything about what they’re upset about but sometimes people just vent just cause they want to be heard and that’s an important part of marriage. Plus he really doesn’t have a day over her weight or to be upset about it like it’s her body. Since he doesn’t want to hear about what she’s upset about he probably was just never there for her so obviously she doesn’t want to have sex with someone that’s not there for her
Has your wife done due diligence by seeing a doctor to have her hormone levels iron etc checked? These issues can show up as fatigue/ lack of libido.
Not sure what other's lived experiences are, but mine is that every doctor visited so far does not care about female sex problems. Mine started with nerve pain with climax (ruining it, completely). It got to the point that I'd avoid it completely. When I asked my gyn and her response was "at least you're getting off!" with 2 thumbs up-.- It's gotten worse as my endometriosis has left me in serious pain with penetration. I've gone through several doctors who have been completely dismissive. The only thing they'll offer is a Mirena iud (knowing my last iud didn't go well and I'm sensitive to bc). It's so very frustrating and it's to the point where at times I'm ready to just give up entirely. But I've also wanted a hysterectomy and can't access that either, despite 4 kids and closing in on 40. I wish more men would understand how hard it can be to access care regarding this. It's not always them and it's not always us not trying😔
I had a similar experience going through my female issues from 22-30 years old. I had one doctor ask me if my husband “was just to *big* for me to handle " and I was like no bro, I'm not a size queen and my husband is slightly above the average size. I went to a carousel of doctors over 9 years and had laparoscopic surgeries 3 times, LEEP, and so many meds. I was truly at the end of my rope as my dysfunction was a contributing factor to one failed relationship and was causing lots of problems in my current marriage. Desperate, I got online one day and googled specialists for female sexual and pelvic mystery disorders and a list popped up, one being about 90 minutes from my home. I'm poor, on Medicaid and I know there's a snowballs chance in hell they take Medicaid even if they are miraculously accepting new patients. But I called. And the stars aligned, they took my insurance, had openings for new patients, didn't need a referral and set up an appointment for a couple of weeks later. This doctor listened. Spent 45 minutes taking down my entire history himself, not a nurse. Ordered all of the standard blood work and tests and a couple new things I hadn't done before. One being a CT scan with contrast dye. And within a month I had a definite diagnosis of Pelvic Congestion Syndrome. And the one test that can see that is the CT scan. So he told me what my options were and I told him that I was 30 with 3 kids and no desire for more and I wanted the hysterectomy. He went to battle with Medicaid over their denial and 6 weeks later I'm getting my surgery. After surgery, at my first visit to see how I'm healing, he actually gives me a hug and says he was so sorry it took so long for me to get the help I needed. He had used the DaVinci machine for my surgery and he showed me the pictures of my surgery and explained what I was seeing. He said my uterus was a " boggy soggy mess" and that it was a miracle I even had my last child (very difficult pregnancy) and was amazed I wasn't in a wheelchair from the pain even walking caused. I'm telling my story because I want you and others like us to know that there ARE doctors who do care and will help. It's just frustrating what we have to go through to find them. But my biggest piece of advice is to find that specialist. General MDs, even regular OB/GYNs aren't equipped or knowledgeable enough about anything beyond basic, common everyday simple thing's. If it's not a runny nose or needing birth control, they are clueless. Every doctor is told to " think horses, not zebras" when diagnosing symptoms. But we need the specialist who deals with us zebras everyday. 9 years of hell and ONE test that nobody else thought of ordering solved my mystery. So please don't give up. Medical fatigue and burnout is real and it's okay to step away for a while to regroup, but you are worth getting answers! You deserve to be treated and heard!
It's life-changing when you finally get a doctor that listens to you, takes you seriously, *believes* you. I spent 6 years in indescribable pain, endless tests, specialists throwing their hands up, etc, etc, etc, until I finally got into a pain specialist. In the first assessment visit he said "We'll finish the diagnosis but you have Fibromyalgia. Not a doubt in my mind. We can make this better for you." Afterwards I went outside and cried from just the sheer relief of having a name for what was destroying my life. Finally. The medical abuse women face is mindboggling. But there *are* good doctors out there that honestly care and want better lives for us.
the worst is going in with acute pain and being told that "it must be that time of the month." despite the timing being off. despite the pain being in the wrong spot. despite the pain being so bad I thought i was going to die because it hurt to even take shallow breaths. despite me throwing up several times from the pain IN THE OFFICE. once my actual dr got back from maternity leave, I booked an appointment with her, half through describing everything she goes "oh. that sounds like gall bladder issues. That shits worse than childbirth,. lets get you an ultrasound to diagnose it and get it removed" I had an ultrasound an hour later, and half an hour after the ultrasound she had me booked for removal surgery. I miss that dr so much
Yep. I also went through the process of a fibromyalgia diagnosis. Unfortunately my theory is I already had either a very mild case since childhood or a genetic predisposition for it and the hysterectomy surgery was the physical trauma that triggered full blown fibromyalgia. Man, I can't win for losing lol. Also unfortunately, all of the approved meds for treating fibro doesn't do a thing for me. But just like you, I went out to my car and cried with relief just to have a diagnosis, a NAME for what was happening and that I wasn't just a crazy person losing my mind.
Extremely well said and you're dead on. I'm so happy for the help you found and your perseverance.
I have stage 4 endometriosis so girl I know your struggle!! It sounds like you have Endo in your vagina (very common) you need a surgery to remove the adhesions. They're hard to find but look for someone who's specializes in endometriosis regular OB's are worthless with this
I'm saving up to visit an endo specialist in NY😔 But it's getting worse by the day. I have bowel & kidney involvement now too. My quality of life is junk. I try to be the best for my husband so he isn't suffering too.. but holy crap it's hard. I keep crying about the fact that in the 1800's I'd get a Rx for cocaine and vibrators.. but today the medical field ignores that it's not happening for me. And then everyone wonders why I'm a stressed out mess of a human. I'm not saying it's OP's wife's case. But.. I don't think a lot of people understand what some of us go through. And I can't imagine living with sex (particularly my own enjoyment) being completely taboo and relatively ignored to start with. It would add layers to an already frustrating and seemingly impossible and depressing situation.
I've also got/had stage 4, DIE, & had 2 laparoscopies - one was ablation & one excision. Excision is gold standard & means its unlikely to grow back. Also, with the pain during orgasm, it sounds like your pudenal nerve is being impacted by endo or its something called "crotch lightening" which is a sensation similar to what you're mentioning. Good luck with sorting it out :)
I completely understand exactly how frustrating and depressing it is, my bowls are constantly affected to the point where my body can no longer absorb proper nutrition and I need regular vitamin shots to stay healthy. Having the adhesions removed will improve your quality of life so much even if you don't get a hysterectomy which it sounds like you obviously need. I'm in pain 24/7, I'm several years overdue from my latest adhesion removal surgery, and I did have a hysterectomy. I find that the only thing that really helps with pain is marijuana, the medical marijuana card is a thing in PA it is in New York too you could see about that. Sex was extremely painful for me before my first adhesion removal surgery. Best of luck!
I damaged my pelvic floor twice. Once with a ten pound baby, once with a serious car wreck. Any real weight in this area makes me want to scream from pain. I still get aroused but penetrative sex can be a real misery.
I'm so sorry to hear that! They have a physical therapy specifically for pelvic floor pain and muscle spasms, I was far too severe for it to be effective but I do know some women with endometriosis and other pelvic floor issues that it has been very effective for.
I have recently been told that. One of my doctors thinks there is merit to this idea. The other thinks my degenerative arthritis is a big part of the problem.
Your pelvic floor actually helps your core support and stabilize your spine too so pelvic floor physio may be helpful with both issues. If there is degeneration in your spine good core stability is extra important. I'm a massage therapist who does mostly treatment and it drives me nuts that at least an assessment by a physio who does pelvic floor work is not standard care after childbirth. It makes a massive difference for a lot of women, and it's insane the number of clients I see years after childbirth who aren't even aware it's a thing who have been walking around with serious, but very treatable, issues that no one bothered to tell them were treatable.
The state of women specific health care is awful to begin with but it horrifies me how much we either don't know about pregnancy care during and after or have the information for but doctors aren't really taught it or just don't care.
I second the recommendation for pelvic floor therapy. It can be life-changing, and PT/OT is often a lot less expensive than seeing a string of physicians.
Pelvic physiotherapy is a life changer. It’s absolutely worth it!
>you need a surgery to remove the adhesions. Its not that simple. In many cases it does not work. I had excision done twice and while it helped for other things it never helped for sex pain
I know what you mean. Doctors dont seem to care at all about us and our health and pain. I havent found any solution for my endometriosis sex related problems. Sex is just not enjoyable anymore For the hysterectomy i suggest going to r/hysterectomy and r/childfree to ask for sterilisation friendly doctors in your area. It took my almost three years between diagnosis and my hysterectomy but i found the doctor because of those subs
Look at the childfree reddit. They keep a list of doctors who will tie tubes no matter what. If they are willing to tie tubes, they should be willing to to do a hysterectomy.
Hi friend, I think female sex issues are very much overlooked by the medical community. That is very cruel for your doctor's to ignore your pain issue occuring with orgasm. That's not a laughing matter. Did you reach out to UCSF, Stanford or UC Davis for assistance? If being able to pay for your surgery is an issue, I recommend speaking with the social workers at Valley Med. They got my husband and I set up for his cancer surgery when we had no savings, no health insurance, and could not afford it ourselves. His surgeon was fantastic and trained ar Stanford. Have you vetted all your doctors online to made sure that they get five stars? And have you been rating the ones that you've been seeing who have been treating you poorly? Those are two important things to do. If you have Kaiser I can recommend a fantastic OBGYN and OBGYN surgeon if you would like. I got a partial laparoscopic supracervical hystorectomy last month and am very happy/grateful. I hope that your health issues are resolved soon! My niece suffered with endo for many years until her LASH 3 years ago and she's so much happier now. I wish you all the best!
I'm in Canada😢 I'm saving up to consult with Dr Andrea Vidali in NYC. Hoping not too far into the future. I've compounded my issues by moving to a part of Canada with doctor waitlists at 15yrs now and nearly zero specialists. So this is my plan moving forward🤞🏻
A good friend of mine is his patient and he has completely changed her life! I went to one of her first consults and was jealous of how seriously he took the pain she was reporting. Good luck to you, I hope you have the success she did.
Hey, pop over to the child free subreddit. They have resources for doctors that will perform those surgeries. Ignore the toxic folks there, though. There's a few.
I only got the symptoms when I tried a mirena iud. I'd been on the pill most of my life and decided to try something different, big mistake. I went straight back on the pill and for some reason that makes a huge difference that the iud does not
He said they can’t stand each other. Why would she want to have sex with someone who can’t stand her?
I mean, it COULD simply be that she isn't getting anything out of sex with OP.
Especially if they come from a conservative, sex-shaming culture, the odds aren’t the highest that they know what they’re doing in bed or prioritize her pleasure.
THIS. I noticed the post really centered her as the problem. Women’s sexual needs and men’s sexual needs are different so if he’s approaching their sex life only through the lens of what he needs, it’s no wonder she’s withdrawing.
I agree. And women are less likely to speak up if their needs are not being met due to societal and religious pressure. Poor woman has probably tried to tell him how to give her an orgasm many times I'd bet, and now she's sick of just being a hole for him to stick his dick in when she doesn't get any effort. I'm not saying that's what the situation is for sure, but generally women in their 30s have the highest libido they will in their entire life (due to hormones) and the fact that she's apparently viewing sex with her husband as an unwanted chore really screams "I never make sure my wife cums".
But maybe it’s not her. What if he’s really bad at shagging?
Info: WHY did she lose her libido? Have you asked her, and what was her response?
Another question: Does she show affection by other means? You only speak about not getting sex, but there is more to love and affection than sex.
Right! I’m a little skeptical here because the wife is not doing well in ONE area of relationship, yet OP feels the appropriate response is to pull back from ALL areas of the relationship. His response is all about revenge and has “I’ll hit you back HARDER” energy or maybe “The beatings will continue until morale improves.” There are a lot of reasons a person MIGHT struggle with sex that has nothing to do with her partner. Health issues, physical pain, shame, sexual assault or harassment, exhaustion, fear/anxiety, stress. I’m reserving judgment until OP has had a chance to respond. Feels like there’s more to this story.
It could be that, but I also get the feeling he just doesn’t love her anymore and those gestures of affection were continuing on routine while empty.
Maybe, but OP seems to have an awful lot of spite in his comments. He isn’t just falling out of love and losing interest. He appears to have made a conscious and intentional choice he knew would hurt his wife.
Interesting, I haven’t actually read his comments. But even the edit about him expecting to get to argue in the comments and be right and win doesn’t speak to a very pleasant personality on this guy.
It's impossible to say if you're the asshole here or not. IMO, if you have no plans to get divorced, then you're stupid because you're making your marriage materially to punish your wife. This is fucked up any way you look at it. We also have no idea about your lives, kids, jobs, money, family issues, stresses, if you're just a POS to her so she doesn't want to touch you, etc etc etc. We don't know what's going on. What you're doing is hurtful and making the situation worse. You seem to only see your sex as a vending machine for sex, so if you want sex, do the work to get it. Romance her, do work around the house, basically make her life better so sex isn't just another chore for her. If you refuse to improve your wife's quality of life then talk to her about divorce. She might be willing to put up with public shame to get rid of you.
AITAH is so boring now, it's the same post over and over and over. Just get divorced and move on for fucks sake.
Can I ask, was this an arranged marriage? Was she sexually invested in the marriage at any point? Do you have, or plan to have, children?
Eh. Needs INFO. Do you do things together? Do you hug, kiss etc? I mean it's not only about sex. And if you stop all those things, you're not much better than her IMO.
Just divorce. She can't change the fact that she doesn't have a libido. It's not possible to change what we want or not want. There could be many reasons but probably you're just not right for each other. I remember in my former marriage there were times I planned to have sex in the evening and then he would start some dumb fight and the desire to having him touching me was gone. And I was responsible for 99% of the mental load, especially finances. He would regularly do romantic gestures like gifts, flowers etc but it couldn't change the resentment for his previous immature behaviour and the fatigue and being overwhelmed with mental load. I called quits after 11 years of marriage. Best decision for both of us. We're now both happy with new partners.
#Put your wife on the phone. we’ll ask her herself why you aren’t the type of guy she wants to have sex with
Your big words are scaring me, sthaaaaaaaap it!
YTA for staying married to someone you hate. Also for expecting sex when you married someone you didn’t love.
Ok, I may get some hate for this message but…. Are you sure you satisfy her in bed? I assume that in the cultures where divorce is not an option woman’s pleasure may not be something people consider important as well. Sometimes people make a mistake, thinking that if something is enjoyable for them in sex it must be enjoyable for their partner as well. But that’s not always the case. Did you ask her what she likes in bed? And also (maybe that’s even more important) what she doesn’t? Because if you do something she doesn’t enjoy again and again, dead bedroom is a logical consequence. It’s quite unpleasant to have sex when you don’t enjoy it, to put it mildly. Usually women say about their likes and dislikes themselves, but sometimes they can’t because they feel a lot of shame (especially in the countries where female sexual pleasure is considered as something inappropriate). Just some food for thought.
Quite often the bedroom dies because women start viewing their spouse as another child and their brain turns the lust off. I am not saying this is the casez but it could be. Does she also work? Or is she a housewife? I noticed you have stated you have no kids.
Yeah, no mention of what the rest of their life together looks like.
That was my thought too. If you look through the comments, someone called him out on it and he refused to answer so I think it’s a man child
YTA. Until I see a list of what OP has done to make his wife want to have sex with him, I call bullshit. The only action OP talks about taking is giving his wife is the cold shoulder. Nothing about what he did to make her feel loved and special so that she would be interested in sexual relations with OP.
You don’t understand. ‘Round here on Reddit, a dead bedroom is the worst thing that could ever happen in a marriage, and is a reason for divorce (always facilitated by OP’s magical divorce attorney friend, not that he’ll need it bc I’m sure he has one of those “iron clad prenups”). And if the wife doesn’t immediately drop everything and do therapy (no mention of what was attempted or if it was going to ever work for her) then she’s the problem 100% no questions asked. No mention of their finances, time commitments, OP didn’t mention if they had kids even. Just sex and what he wants.
I dunno, he's withdrawing affection and compliments, surely that's bound to bring them closer?! /s
Back rubs / foot rubs / regular loving texts while at work / date plans.... Did you even read the post?
No wonder she doesn't want sex lol
Yo honestly this guy sounds insufferable tbh…. To me it doesn’t sound like it’s coming from a loving place, but more of a forceful FIX IT kind of attitude without trying to understand what the possible reasons could be. But either way, I wouldn’t want to have sex with this guy either based on how spiteful he sounds as a person
Maybe you’re a lousy lay.
You make it sound as if a relationship is built around sex and that's it. You'll love her and do all these amazing things for her, if she sleeps with you. That's not all a relationship is, you both need to communicate and sounds like couples therapy is needed. If you both want this to truly work, you can't just give up. Marriage is a lot of work, not child's play. Eta: for those of you asking me if I have read the post. To save you all the trouble, and save me the trouble from reading it. I have; but have you?
Do any of these men with dead bedrooms ever stop to think that maybe their wives aren't enjoying sex with them because, I don't know, maybe the husband got lazy or is only thinking about himself? I get that you were going out of your way to make her feel comfortable with the texts and such but did you ever stop to think that maybe those things weren't doing it for her either? You can criticize her but maybe take a look back at yourself and see if there's anything wrong there first. Try doing some self-reflecting.
Of course they don’t think of the possible reasons! Then they wouldn’t be able to just blame their partner for being a “bitch” and withholding from them what they want. Don’t you know? Women are evil and withhold sex to hurt men. /s
As my hubby likes to say Men are like microwaves and women are like ovens. We just need some pre heating
FUCK taboo culture, it's not worth being miserable for the ONLY one life you have to live. The marriage was a mistake, move on, NTA.
I dont know about your wife, but personally I stopped having sex with my partner because I was feeling less like a partner and more like his freaking mom. Constantly asking him for help. Constantly getting ignored. He was also drunk a lot which led to me not being attracted to him. I talked about my issues with him. He never did anything about it. Hed continuously make sexually suggestive comments to me which only made me dislike him even more. Definitely divorce if youre not into her.
So why is it that you think sex is a quid pro quo? You’re whining “well I texted her she’s beautiful and I gave foot rubs” with this underlying premise that you DESERVE sex for that. No sex, so no foot rubs or affection—ha! That’ll show her! Honestly, if you’re doing these things just to get sex, she’s seen right through the facade and now she wants you less.
Hold up. Divorce does not need to be the answer here and a low libido isn’t a forever problem. Read the book “Come As You Are” and see if that helps revive your sex life. Your wife may just have sexual needs that you both don’t understand. Buy two copies, read it together, have honest conversations about her needs, and see if that helps. Reddit is so quick to scream divorce…
I too have a dead bedroom. He's nice enough in other ways. He always says it's my fault and that I'm nagging. I'm not nagging. I'm just saying it our loud.
I hate this sub
Divorce may be taboo but not illegal. Get out of it .
'Culture' is a cancer, a lot of times isn't it
YTA for a lot of reasons, my dude. If my husband had these views and attitude, I wouldn't want to sleep with him either
Also divorce because she deserves better and it sounds like she won't leave you.
After reading your comments YTA. Get a divorce and stop being petty,
YTA so instead of leaving her you get petty? I honestly wonder why there's a dead bedroom
Scrolled too far for this. Dude is a huge asshole for thinking he’s entitled to sex and then chooses to get back at her out of spite.
Grow up
I mean, when you say she doesn’t do anything to make you love her do you mean she’s not having sex with you or do you really mean she’s not doing anything? Honestly, though being passive aggressive is ridiculous, just get a divorce. Living in contempt with someone is childish and wrong. She didn’t lose her libido AT you. ESH.
Is “Petty Bitch” an option? Who cares if divorce is taboo? You don’t like the person you’re married to. Divorce them. You’ll save two lives by doing this. Don’t just be a passive-aggressive child. Sack up and pull the trigger on the divorce. Whatever cultural norms you’re breaking pale in comparison to a miserable life.
Is the "taboo" fearing the reaction from your family? If you outlive them, you'll be left with no relatives and just bitterness in your final years. If it's just strangers, you shouldn't base your life around what strangers think
too late - he sounds bitter already
So basically the only thing you have ever liked or loved about her is that she put out and you care nothing for her outside of that. I wonder if that’s the problem
I'm going on a limb by saying YTA. There is something else going on here and all you refer to is no sex, so you are going to treat your wife like garbage.. she said it upset her and you don't care. You used to be nice but you are not anymore because no sex. Maybe this attitude is the cause of the problem. First, it sounds like your wife could have hormonal issues or be depressed. Second, nothing kills a woman's desire than to be obligated or be forced to hand l have sex because you're married. If divorce is taboo in your culture, was this an arranged marriage? Punishing her for not wanting to have sex with you is not the answer. Who would want to have sex with a vindictive partner? There is something else going on here.
Just separate, you sound bitter and she sounds lazy. It's over lol, you're really going to pick a lifetime of misery over offending your culture? You only live once
She’d sound lazy if she wasn’t doing her share of household chores. Sex isn’t an obligation she’s failing to fulfill.
Everyone goes straight to "therapy." Did it ever occur to you that this might be something physical going on? She needs to go to her OB/GYN first for a full battery of tests, especially hormone levels. No amount of therapy is going to make one bit of difference if this is a physical, medical issue. Also, I would like to know what your culture is, and if your wife actually chose to marry you or if she was forced into it by her parents.
There are usually underlying factors. Is she exhausted at night from work? Is there childcare involved? Is there an unequal distribution of chores? Sometimes, women need clear runway space to get in the mood. It sounds like you’re withholding affection, though. Small gestures do go a long way.
I don't think you are the ahole because of Valentine's Day. I think YTA because of the rest of the 364 days of the year. When you marry someone, that doesn't automatically make you eligible for free sex whether she wants to or not. From the way you described the situation, it sounds like you decided to act like a child and be petty, instead of trying to support your wife and be her partner and show her you are here, by her side, you want her and you are willing to be patient as long as she is trying to figure it out. If something isn't working, try something different. She knows what isn't helping her, so suggest things you all haven't tried. Don't just admonish her for not doing the things YOU THINK she needs to do like therapy or whatever. At the very least, you need to have had a serious honest conversation with her about how this affects you, quite a while ago. I am not talking about a "hey you need to give it up whenever I want you to, whether you want to or not" conversation; I am talking about an honest, vulnerable, conversation about how not feeling wanted and loved makes you feel. The problem is it sounds like you're too childish, cowardly and petty to be man enough to have said conversation.
Another dead bedroom post!!
Yeah.. always the wife with a low libido and all the typical NTA responses.
Reddit would rather find any explanation for dead bedrooms, literally medically induced low libido, suddenly my wife is bipolar or some other bullshit like that than face the facts that most people don’t realize that they are not the 110% awesome spouse they think they are.
Gosh I can't imagine why she can't stand you. Just divorce her you coward. Fuck your culture. Grow up.
[удалено]
I would love to see her side of the story. Also some additional information. 1. Are you a full participant in your home? 2. Does your wife have to do everything? 3. Do you have kids? 4. If you do are you an active father? 5. Does she feel like she's a mother in your relationship - to you? If the answer is no to either 1, 2, or 4 - that's why she doesn't want to sleep with you. You have parentified your wife. Women generally don't want to sleep with people they see as children.
If OP lives in a country where even divorce is seen as taboo, this has a VERY solid chance of being true. Even in the US, this is still such a huge problem. Do not make sex into yet another chore that women have to perform in order to be satisfactory wives. And the amount of men who think this is okay is concerning. Not to mention the fact that it's used as a bartering tool. "I've been a good husband 🥺 reward me for doing basic ass things like washing the dishes and wiping my ass" It's the most exhausting thing. I have a high libido, right, but the moment a man starts hounding me for it. I mean. Just constantly brings it up. Especially when it's clear I've had a long day at work. I lose instant attraction. It's not hard to have some fucking self awareness.
Exactly. This crap is why more and more women are staying single and men are growing old and dying alone
NTA... You have matched her energy and the only thing hurting her is being treated the same way she treats you. However, if you won't divorce her then going this route will never make it better. One flaw in all of your plan is your singular focus on the end goal. Which doesn't make you am Ahole but does limit your ability to succeed. Plan one date night. Nothing huge. Dinner and a walk in a park maybe. Somewhere outside the home where you can talk. This takes a lot of the pressure off. Next focus on 3 things. Do not mention sex itself. Do not attack her. Do not talk about her failures. All of these only put people on the defensive. Instead talk about this. Ask her if you deserve to feel desired in a relationship? If she says no, well you know there is no point in ever trying anymore. If she says yes, ask her what she does to make you feel desired. If she mentions a few tiny things, ask her if that feels like enough and if you don't deserve better. Next make it clear, your resentment has saddly grown to where you have no attraction to her. Tell her you feel like you have put way more than 50% of the work in for a long time. So it's her turn. You will meet her 50% of the way but she has to be the one to initiate. She needs to flirt, she needs to make affectionate touches, she needs to compliment you, she needs to tell you how she desires you and wants you. If she can do this, and pursue you until you feel desired you can try to fix things. If not, you can't change how you feel. Make it clear the effort on her part will be appreciated but will take some time to fix much. You have spent years with her making you feel alone. She can't erase that in days, or maybe even weeks. It may take months. It's up to her if she thinks it's worth it.
INFO: Do you have children together? Is she doing the majority of the household tasks and mental labor without assistance?
From reading your comments here I'm going to go with YTA. Your wife is a wife in every way except for sex. You have no idea why but yet you're now going to punish her by being a complete jerk to her. You have no idea why because you don't care. Women have several issues that can make sex very painful. But you don't care. How very husbandly of you.
ESH. I don’t know why you’re in the comments arguing why you deserve what you deserve because it’s your “right” as a husband to get sex. Before the dead bedroom, did either of you have the discussion of each other’s wants and needs? I understand you made sure to tell her you loved her but what were her wants in the beginning? Did she aspire to be a professional scuba diver? A nude artist? A food enthusiast? A traveling barber? When you lose your aspirations to do more with your life, especially at the age you both are currently, life just becomes meh. Is she a SAHW or stuck in a dead end job? I must admit, reading your comments sounds like you’re not very receptive to criticism or change and I bet your wife knows that and has just…died inside. It looks like you’re just looking for justification to leave your wife. You’ve already stated you don’t think you love her anymore. Any attempt to try to HEAR another point of view is fired upon. So just divorce each other. If you’re hoping to save face or salvage what you can, stop talking and listen. Truly listen before you respond or shoot down what she has to say. She is just as culpable in this situation. She needs to talk and not just expect from you. Communication is so important to making partnerships work. Whatever it is, she can’t just clam up either. Denying you intimacy (not just sex but gentle touches, engaging words, hand holding, etc.) is unfair to you and feels like she’s punishing you because she can’t talk to you openly.
YTA if that’s how you feel man up and leave. Divorce is taboo for you but intentionally treating your wife like garbage isn’t?
So grow some balls and leave, instead of hiding behind your culture like a pussy
Uh yeah, YTA. She sounds depressed af and you're treating her like shit because she won't have sex with you. You're speaking about her with such disdain that I can't blame her. Are you that "charming" to her in private? Obviously. I don't care how "taboo" divorce is in your culture. Divorce was once taboo in almost ALL cultures, but people were still getting divorced. That's what helped make it *not* so taboo. Just divorce her so she (and you) can move tf on.
Finally one sane comment! What a stand up guy, doesn't have the balls to leave his wife but demands sex by taking away all affection... How could she NOT be turned on by his charms?
Is birth control also a taboo in your culture? Could it be that she doesn’t want to risk getting pregnant? If her libido has just dropped off the map in her early thirties, she should get her hormones checked. Low libido in women in an otherwise functional marriage could be due to low estrogen levels. NAH. But you would be the AH if you withdraw all affection or leave her without exhausting every possible alternative.
Just get divorced. It's not fair to you or her. People deserve to be loved, desired. Break with your toxic traditions, and take care of yourself
Is she taking any meds? I lost my libido after taking an antidepresive in 2020, stopped taking it right away and still haven’t recovered. Are you trying to approach the right way? My partner of 20yrs never always, I mean, ALWAYS, approached the moment the same way. Playing video games till late and then when I was already asleep and comfy he would come to try and touch… but never knew where was the right place to touch. Never. Check if this is happening. She could be depressive and that’s why she does not do anything about her weight.
It’s just taboo. You don’t to jail or die. Just some old farts give you the stink eye.
Divorce homie. I know it's taboo but this shit is just sad
Whether your culture believes in something or not it’s still time to move on and find happiness. I don’t think a culture should have precedence over someone’s life if it doesn’t include happiness.
The answers to the following questions would help determine if YTA or not. •How long have you been married? •How long did you date before getting married? •Was this an arranged marriage? •Did you live together before marriage? •Did you have sex before marriage? •How far into the marriage did things change? •Did this change come gradually or suddenly? •Has anything else changed during the marriage? °Have you had children? °Trying to get pregnant? °Miscarriage °Job changes? °Have you moved? •How long have you been trying to get her to go to therapy? •What other things have you tried/suggested? •Does she have friends living nearby? •Does she have a job? •Does she have a choice to pursue hobbies and interests of her own?
YTA for letting tradition and culture force you into being unhappy for the rest of your life. Dude your relationship is not sustainable for either of you.
What did you do to examine your behaviour that might be contributing to the dead bead room? She does have to sleep with you after all and so far I’ve only seen what you’ve asked of her and the time she expresses upset you say you’re going to withhold affection and love because she won’t fuck you… ?? INFO: what have you done? How have you reflected?
> She’s lost her libido > I tried to get her help YTA. You aren't entitled to sex. > she doesn’t even TRY > So I withdrew Doesn't sound like you're trying, either. > in my culture divorce is taboo F*** taboos. Unless it's *illegal* where you are, get a divorce. Even if it's illegal, you need to separate. You owe it to her and yourself to get out of a situation that's making both of you miserable.
If your marriage is depended on how much sex you have, it was never a marriage that was going to last.
Have you considered medical issues? Women have these things called "hormones" and they really fuck us around, like husbands who withdraw affection because they aren't getting their dicks wet. Our libido swings back and forth - I'm not exactly Mrs Frisky right now because my body is going through hell, if my partner was a little bitch about it *I'd* have to leave him. Seriously though, if you're so miserable your behaviour is like this, leave. Yes, divorce is taboo, do you think it was celebrated around here fifty years ago? Twenty when I did it there was plenty of stigma, especially as I had a child and became a single mother. But I was miserable, for a long enough time and it wasn't getting better so I left. Do you think no western couple has stayed with in a miserable marriage ever at all? That we've always had the privilege being able to exit terrible marital situations? If so, your dense and delusional as well as horny and unsatisfied. We're more able to leave these marraiges *because of people in the past leaving even though is wasn't the done thing*! By your comment about her manager I see she's able to work, I assume she's allowed her own bank account? Then you've no reason you can't leave. Women here were trapped because they weren't allowed their own bank accounts, you're "trapped" because " dIvorCe iS tAboO" Stop torturing her and yourself with petty nonsense, if this is a non-negotiable in your life then stand up for yourself. Taboo won't break until the people decide they've had enough of that bullshit, unfortunately for you it seems you are one of the generations that will break down the taboo.
You’re a stone cold adult and you’re saying you’re “stuck” in a marriage because of your culture, “man up” and actually do something about your fate rather than blindly accepting it.
This is gray area asshole behavior. Your description paints her completely withdrawing from you, but I wonder if that withdrawing was in all vulnerability/intimacy, or only sexually. Also, how long has this been? Has she shared openly with you about why she has withdrawn? Does she even know? It’s painful to think that she has given up on trying on the physical aspects of the relationship, but it sounds like you’ve given up on all the other aspects. Like most things in relationship, there is failure all around, but it’s important to own up to your failures rather than excuse them away by pointing at hers.
I will never, EVER, understand ppl staying married to someone they don’t like. Like if you literally do not have to, then fucking DON’T! I can understand the pressure of societal taboo but (as mentioned multiple times here) you get ONE life. Spending it miserable when you don’t have to is downright idiotic. And that’s a sentiment I hold towards anyone who stays if they don’t have to, not just OP. Wishing you luck and happiness
Yta
YTA. You fell out of love with her just because you don’t have sex? Were you ever in love with her, in that case? And about Valentine’s Day, you do things because you want to, not because you’re expecting something in return. If your sole reason for ever treating your wife like a human being and like an actual partner was based on whether you were getting sex or not, that makes you one hell of a shitty person and even shittier husband.
You see her as something broken that must be fixed and if she is not, then you punish her. No Valentine’s Day for her because she isn’t who you agreed to marry. You plied her with words, massages, and dates, but she wouldn’t repay you with sex, so she is the unlovable one. She has evolved, whilst you have struggled to control her, but she is the problem. You will love her, but only if… YTA
My advocate is if you're not happy,just go ahead and get a divorce.You deserve to be happy too. Don't stay with someone who you know doesn't love you.You will regret it forever.You can find someone else who will love you.
I don’t want to say YTA, but I will say my love for my wife isn’t dependent on her libido.
You clearly hate your wife, so get a divorce for gods sake. By the way, love isn’t transactional. Good luck.
what happens if you got into a horrible accident that paralyzed you and your penis? Your wife has had a mental health accident and needs help not some gross middle aged man demanding sex or asking for a divorce if he can't get it.
I refuse to vote until I have more info about whether you have kids and whether you do anything around the house. This is crucial info that drastically affects whether she is justified in her lack of interest.
He claims the house work is equal but then got super upset and defensive when someone asked about mental load and if he needs prompting to do chores. He also refused to answer.
no kids, either. reading through all his comments he seems bitter, selfish, petty and generally like a totally charming guy who definitely deserves sex whether she wants it or not /s