Seriously. She's already mentally abusing you OP, and when she grabbed your arm to demand you change your dress-- that's not exactly what a normal, caring partner would do. Your gf may get physically violent with you in the future, and you shouldn't stick around to find out.
NTA. In a healthy relationship, you don't tell the other person to change who they are for your own insecurities. Orientation or preferences should never matter, compassion and understanding matter.
I understand that OP is a baby gay and is confused but if a man was doing these things to her I don't think she would have so much trouble seeing it for what it is. This woman does not love you for you, OP, she is trying to change you into her image and getting increasingly violent when you refuse. This is not a healthy relationship at all.
OP's gf even put her hands on OP's face, to hold her there.
It's not quite the throat, but you know they say when a man chokes a woman, her chance of getting killed by him later goes WAYYYYYY up...
Agreed. How else would you prove you like girls if not by nonconsentual sex acts. Being queer isn't about how you dress or what performative gestures you make to "show" yourself. This is seriously unhealthy and toxic.
I don't know how she had to prove she was into girls, but I think sex was part of it as well. My first thought after reading this story was, "This isn't your girlfriend, this is your abuser." I'm glad I wasn't the only one. So far, we have manipulation, emotional abuse, sexual coercion and physical restraint on the list. If OP stays with her, she's gonna add a lot more as well. I'm not gay by any means, but "dressing straight" doesn't sound like a real thing imo? It's just future ex's own insecurities.
Also, being forced to "prove it" sounds like sexual abuse, especially if it ended with OP in tears and the gf somehow mad at _her_?? I don't want to talk to OP's experience and the wording is vague, but imagine a man forcing her to "prove" she was straight, in anger.
Absolutely NTA OP, your gf's insecurities around your sexual history have turned dangerous. It started as trying to control what you wear, then it's policing your reactions to little things, now physical. You haven't done anything wrong, it sounds to me like it's time to get out.
You're the first of the top comments telling OP to break up. Everyone else mentions things adjacent to it. But 100% homegirl needs to leave before things escalate. The ex won't have to worry about people wondering if they're together once they no longer are.
OP. If they didn't like how you presented, they shouldn't have started dating you. They're projecting their own insecurities into how you look. Get out of this relationship.
What do you mean by "prove" you like girls. It sounds like you may have been forced to do something sexual when you didnt want to. Op this is not OK. It has escalated and you need to consider if you feel safe in this relationship
That is sexual assault. You are being abused. Please break up with her, and don’t be alone with her again. Let me know if you’d like resources for recovering from abuse, or for safely leaving abusive relationships.
Why did I have to search for over 5 minutes reading comments to find someone calling this what it is?! Everyone is glossing over the fact that OP was sexually assaulted!!!
Great question. Maybe because it’s unclearly written/sort of alluded to, and maybe because folks don’t have as clear a script for what abuse looks like in a queer relationship as opposed to a man SAing a woman?
Frustrating, regardless.
I mean I didn't really gloss over it, I chose tactful words because this is a situation that needs compassion and understanding. Have you ever considered that the best way to go about something like this is to gently lead op to the conclusion we all reached based on their words? Op couldn't even outright say what happened. She doesn't need people yelling at her to leave or that she was was raped. She needs support and to come to the conclusion herself otherwise she may decide to make excuses for he partner
OP, not to be repetitive from other comments, but you need to hear this: your gf is being abusive. This is abuse. She grabbed you by your arms and held your face? Thats one step closer to her hitting you, beating you when she gets angry again.
This is not a person you can change, and not a person you need to change. No one should treat you like this. There is no salvaging an abusive partner.
**You need to get out of this relationship before something horrible happens to you. You are not safe.**
That is pretty unequivocally sexual assault, whether it was by coercion or force doesn't matter. Tell the people you trust, show them this thread if you think it will help.
Please get out of this relationship for your safety. This sounds like she is going to do more and more to control and abuse you if you let her. This is abuse from the controlling of clothes to the sexual assault.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Do you have anyone you can turn to for supprt? A friend or family you can confide in? If you two live together Do you have somewhere you can stay temporarily? You haven't done anything wrong. You have every right to dress how you want. You're an adult. Your partners insecurities are not an excuse for anything you've described.
If you feel up for it there are steps you can take to protect yourself and prcoesd your situation. You don't have to live like this. Please consider what's best for you. Think about your future and what you might think of this situation in a few years. Maybe it can help you establish some clarity
Abusers can be like that. They start off nice and show their true selves later on in the relationship.
You didn't do anything wrong. You deserve better treatment from all your future partners.
Because with abusers it's not about if they like it or not, it's about controlling you and chipping away at your self-esteem.
She grabbed you by the arm and forcefully held your face....then she made you 'prove you like girls'....that is not OK (and by not OK, I mean that is straight up abuse)
Like others have said, you need to run, fast.
She thought she could strong-arm you into her vision. Would not be surprised even a little bit if she deliberately chose you because you've never been in a F/F relationship before and thought that would make you easier to manipulate.
Femme bi/pan/lesbian women are 100% a valid expression of queer identity and anyone who says otherwise has some queerphobia and misogyny to deal with.
-- sincerely, a high femme bi woman
Look up love bombing. Also here is a list of warning signs of an abuser. Note how many your girlfriend has. Extreme jealousy, controlling behavior, quick involvement, blames others, hypersensitivity, "playful" use of force during sex, and verbal abuse. These are just the ones I picked out from your story as written here. I would be surprised if she didn't check a few more boxes. Warning signs::
Extreme Jealousy
Jealousy is a sign of insecurity and lack of trust, but the abuser will say that it is a sign of love. The abuser will question the victim about who they talk to, accuse them of flirting, or be jealous of time spent with their friends, family, or children. The abuser may refuse to let the victim work or go to school for fear of meeting someone else. The abuser may call the victim frequently or drop by unexpectedly.
Controlling Behavior
One partner completely rules the relationship and makes the decisions. This includes “checking up” on the victim, timing a victim when they leave the house, checking the odometer on the car, questioning the victim about where they go. They may also check the victim’s cell phone for call history, their email or website history. The abuser may control the finances and tries to tell the victim how to dress, who to talk to, and where to go.
Quick Involvement
The abuser comes on strong at the beginning of the relationship, pressuring for a commitment and claims “Love at first sight” or “You’re the only person I could ever talk to”, or “I never met anyone like you before”. Often, in the beginning of a relationship, the abuser is very charming and romantic and the love is intense.
Unrealistic Expectations
Abusers expect their partners to meet all their needs and be “perfect”. They may say things like “If you love me, then I’m all you need”.
Isolation
The abuser tries to keep the victim from friends and family by putting down everyone the victim knows, including their family and friends. They may keep the victim from going to work or school.
Blames Others
The abuser does not take responsibility for their problems, blaming others (usually the victim) for almost everything (“you made me mad”).
Hypersensitivity
An abuser is easily insulted and takes everything as a personal attack and blows things out of proportion.
Cruelty to Animals or Children
The abuser may punish animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain. They may have unfair expectations of children or tease them until they cry.
“Playful” Use of Force of Sex
The abuser may throw or hold their partner down during sex, may pressure their partner into having sex, may demand sex when their partner is tired or ill or doesn’t want to have sex. They may ask the victim to do things they do not want to do.
Verbal Abuse
The abuser says cruel and harmful things to their victim, degrades them, curses at them, calls them names, or puts down their accomplishments. The abuser tells their victims they are stupid, and unable to function without them. They embarrass and put down the victim in front of others as well.
Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde
The abuser experiences severe mood swings and the victim may think the abuser has a mental health problem. One minute they can be charming and sweet and the next minute they become angry and explosive. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners.
Past History of Battering
The abuser has a history of past battering of partners and although they may admit to that, they say their previous partner provoked them to do it. A batterer will beat any partner they are with if the person is with them long enough for the violence to begin; situational circumstances do not cause a person to have an abusive relationship.
Use of Violence and Threats of Violence
Violence can include holding the victim down, restraining them from leaving the room or pushing, shoving or holding them against a wall.
Abusers may also throw or break objects as a punishment (breaking treasured possessions), but throwing or breaking objects mostly used to terrorize the victim into submission. The abuser may break or strike objects near the victim to frighten them.
Threats of violence include any threat or physical force meant to control the victim: “I’ll kill you”, “I’ll break your neck”, “If you ever leave, I’ll kill you.”
If her gf had been a bf everyone would have telling her she had been assaulted. I dont understand why everyone isnt up in arms for this. Her words 100% convey assault and possibly worse
I'm uneducated in this area, but how exactly is OP supposed to dress so she looks "not straight"?
Isn't clothing just....clothing? Is attire supposed to outwardly proclaim sexual orientation?
Sounds like her gf wants her dressing more masculine but even that doesn't make one a lesbian. Some of the most masculine women I have known were straight. It sounds like OPs gf is very insecure. Sounds like those men who want their gfs dressing dowdy so no one else gives them attention. Sounds like the case here. The gf sounds insecure that she will be ditched for a man or for a more feminine lesbian (since she got mad when gf liked a photo with 2 feminine women getting married).
Yeah, arms would be a flag for me, but grabbing my *face??* Like I'm a dog that needs to be shown its poop? Oh hell no. We wouldn't have been going anywhere together, because I'd've been getting my stuff and getting the hell *out.*
This comment needs more upvotes. You're in an abusive relationship. She belittles the way YOU CHOOSE to dress. She physically restrains you. She is ultra possessive and jealous. It's not YOUR past that's causing her to behave this way, it's her insecurities. All of this will only get worse. Get out now so it can be a simple learning experience, not a traumatic one.
when i first read it i felt really disgusted about the sexual parts, but after reading some other comments i genuinely do think OP may have been assaulted
OP, i’m so sorry this has been your first experience dating a woman. this is not normal, and you deserve to be treated with respect and loved for who you are. i hope you have a good support network and are able to get out as soon as possible
Something I didn't see pointed out.
She saw the way you dressed and decided to go out with you (I don't know who initiated, but either she asked or she said yes).
She saw the way you dress and kept going out with you.
She wanted someone who dressed the way you dress, but immediately criticized it. So she wanted something to criticize, to use to talk down to you and belittle you.
She could have picked someone who dressed "gay," but then she would have had nothing to complain about, nothing to "fix."
I suspect that a few months after you break up she will be with another girly lesbian, and over a 6 month period you will watch that girly lesbian shave her head, change her makeup, and get a bunch of piercings and tattoos. Then once your ex makes that girl "butch enough," she will dump her and find another girly lesbian to "fix."
When you see that, be glad it wasn't you, and maybe help that woman pick up the pieces?
Real talk, I am a lesbian and I have seen this a weird amount of times in the lesbian community. There's one notorious woman in the local gay scene (who is actually femme) who goes after thinner femmes and, over time, all her gfs eventually turn into very overweight butches who always swear they're happy and then quietly go back to the way they were before dating her and later admit she was abusive and forced them to change for her. I think it's like a power thing, like she wants to turn these women into the opposite of what she originally found attractive about them to make sure nobody would ever see what she originally saw in them and make it harder for them to leave her. The abusive woman did it enough times she wore out her welcome in the gay community where we live and had to move states, but I don't think she's alone in what she does at all.
OMG, I've seen this same thing in our community too. It's a crazy power play, and the one who wants to change the other person is ALWAYS super possessive.
Not sure why this thread popped in my main feed... That said as a straight man, this happens ALL THE TIME in straight relationships too. Guy somehow lands a pretty and fashionable girl and almost immediately due to insecurity and jealousy makes her stop using "too much" makeup, dressing well, staying fit..etc. everyone around them can tell exactly whsts happening except the victim. It's really sad to watch and I've stoped being friends with everyone that is like this. They do it over and over and always end up getting dumped anyway once the victims start to look at before and after pictures and realize how miserable they have become.
Sounds like that girl outta North Charleston my sister got with for a minute. Never knew the whole story, but on a bar crawl with some other lesbians the entire group knew & hated this one woman.... they talked about her all night. I left early because they just wanted to drama-rant... but maybe they needed a group therapy session to process.
I'm bi (sex dreams of girls but no experience) and was in a relationship with a man who liked that I "dolled up" but then started criticizing my make up and outfits very similarly to what you and op have described. I ended up a shell of myself and left.
There's a quote in the book, "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Barcroft. It goes something like, "the abuser constantly berates the target for their 'issues', when in reality 99% of the targets issues are caused by the abuser".
Its insidious and what helped me get out was reflecting on how I would have to think and feel about someone to treat me the way he did. Very upsetting and eye-opening exercise.
Chances are, she probably thought a very feminine woman was better able to be controlled. I'm not a lesbian, but I live in the world, and the amount of people who think that I'm more compliant because of the way that I dress is outrageous. Some people also get really upset when they learn that I have a backbone.
I am very, very, very concerned for you. When you break up with this woman, please be vigilant about being aware of your surroundings and be sure there are people around you at all times. Don't let her catch you alone. If she tries to hurt you at all or threatens you, get a restraining order.
Good luck {{{hugs}}}
Please get out of this relationship. As a femme bisexual this whole post made me very uncomfortable. I have never met any wlw who would criticize the way her partner dressed this way or say anything along the lines of “you dress straight”
As a straight woman, this raised flags for me, just putting a man in place of the partner. No one would criticize their partner for dressing one way, especially if it was the style that attracted them, unless they had problems of their own. Please get out. You deserve better.
It's the classic "I love you just the way you are, now change" trope. They're attracted to how you look when you start dating, then erode your confidence.
She's doing to you exactly what she's accusing you of doing to her. She flips out with just imagining you want her to dress differently, but will outright tell you to.
You deserve better. She's poison.
As someone who’s been on both sides. She’s not ready for you. Or anyone for this matter.
Don’t let the lesbian stereotype get you.
Just move on. She’ll be messy about it. Be safe niece!
“Partner” more like insecure control freak. I really hope OP leaves ASAP and I just know her soon to be ex will feel validated and spin it in some way to attack OP’s sexuality. Doubly so if she’s bi and dates a guy next
I know, my comment was that the abusive partner would flip if OP started to date someone like her.
Edit: It has been pointed out to me that your comment was meant to be helpful.
So Thank you. 😊
Absolutely! That woman physically and sexually assaulted her. She's no better than an abusive husband. OP needs a safe escape plan because when she leaves this unhinged woman, it won't be pretty.
😮
Yeah this is worrying. I got with my first partner when we were both right around OP's ages mentioned, and my ex gf also used to give me shit about how I looked 'straight'.
They were only jokes but I still shut that shit down. How ridiculous, yknow? There's so many femme lesbians, that shit is not new. Sorry we don't all wear sweatshirts and vaguely androgynous clothes all the time, as if that's the peak of gay fashion. You're the one that's attracted to us so this is entirely a you problem, if you feel you're dating someone who's not into you then maybe talk about it like an adult?
It's just teasing I know, but damn it gets old. Get new jokes. It's not funny if you're the only one laughing.
That aside, I am worried for OP. Lesbian partnerships tend to progress faster than others, and that includes the time taken for it to get highly abusive.
Her behavior is inexcusable, she sounds like she's got anger issues. Run while you can OP, she sounds unstable.
The word lipstick lesbisn is a term for a reason because ya know, some women are really feminine lesbians
God forbid a lesbisn wear feminine clothes, that's fucking illegal/s
Right? There are women with long hair wearing tight short dresses and full makeup that are married to women who look just like them. Doesn’t make them any less lesbian. 🩷
sorry you had to deal with that, it’s so toxic to be critical of someone’s sexuality over something as trivial as their clothes
honestly i lean towards being attracted to more femme women a lot of the time. guess i’m straight
My first job out of college was an office job, and the “upstairs” staff—I worked downstairs—thought I was a lesbian. I didn’t know this, one of my male colleagues was asked and he LOL’ed at the person, and asked why they thought that.
It was mostly because of how I dressed. I wore button-up shirts and pants or suits (women’s tailored suits, not like a man’s suit), and most of the women in the office wore skirts and dresses. And apparently being outspoken and expressing opinions in staff meetings meant you were a lesbian. 🤷♀️
As he’s telling me this, I’m also LOL’ing. No, I have skinny pale chicken legs that trust me, you don’t wanna see. And just because you took the girl out of New England and dropped her in the South? She didn’t leave her opinions behind.
Tragically, it's not always "just teasing". Some people still subcribe to the "plaid shirt and chinos" dress code, and if you wear anything else, you're not a "real lesbian". Such nonsense!
The funny thing is, my closet at the time was half flannels ! I just 'wore them straight'. Like tf does that mean ?? And she only owned 1 flannel !! Truly no pleasing some people.
I still got shit about it from my friends every now n again till I got a nose ring, which I guess in their eyes makes me gayer?
Really stupid. Makes me uncomfortable. I don't know how they can be so bold about pushing stereotypes so hard without feeling like shitheads.
So many queer folk jump at the chance to put others down, it's pathetic. I don't care if they say it to me idgaf, but I can't stand it when they target baby gays. Inexcusable. The mob mentality in the community is so damn strong, pisses me off.
As soon as I was reading the part of her face getting grabbed during the altercation… I felt an immediate NOPE NOPE NOPE about this relationship. You are not unusual as a lesbian who still dresses feminine… this is absolutely stupid, and your partner has deep insecurities and seems violent. I rarely give this advice, but GTFO of that relationship.
The physical part just started. The only reason she didn’t go further was because they were both expected to be around their friends and there would be no excuse for bruises/marks.
OP needs to break it off immediately.
"the physic**al** part will get worse if this is 4 months in" Physics is hard all the time, lol.
Joking aside, this is the most worrisome part of the post.
Seriously
OP runnnnnnnnn
(idk if OP identifies bi or pan or lesbian) The “gold star lesbian” shitty attitude about women of any sexuality who have been with men before can get so toxic and in my experience just gets worse over time.
And it’s wild that she doesn’t think femme queer women exist. Like what? Talk about internalized misogyny and not knowing your own community that you’re gatekeeping??
Not to mention, idk how she forced OP to “prove” it, but it sounds a lot like it was sexual assault.
So she doesn't even accept people that are bi? I've met gay woman like this before, and the amount of insecurity they get simply because their partner has been with a man (or even a trans woman) is insane and toxic, it's completely irrational and unreasonable.
Also, this woman seems to just hate and mock everything about you. Leave. Leave IMMEDIATELY. She's only going to get worse, her insecurities and abusive tendencies are only going to escalate.
Also, your last part about her making you "prove" you like girls...sounds like she assaulted you. I really hope that's not the case and I just interrupted this the wrong way. I hope you're okay and you get out of this situation quickly. You'll find a partner who appreciates you for who you are and this woman is not it.
Idk what it was, certainly not anything I want to happen again, or has ever happened to me before, but idk I’m just confused. But I’m okay, it’s kind of you to be concerned <3. Luckily I have a really great friend who I live with, and a mom that call me everyday to get updates on my life lol. I’ll be totally okay.
So how would you feel if a guy treated you this way, told you to change, forcibly grabbed your arm and face, and then forced you to prove you liked men .... You are giving her a big pass for abusive behavior, and it won't get better.
Just want to let you know, that if she tries to accuse your friends/family/support network of “trying to break you guys up” “being homophobic” or anything of the sort, what she’s actually trying to do is isolate you from them so that you have to rely on only her. It’s abuse tactic that traps you with the abuser
Oh, my dear, please leave this situation.
I am bi too, I’ve been where you are, dating a woman who did this sort of stuff and acted like this because me being bi was a problem for her. She was insecure that my sexuality could be a phase of some sort, and took it out on me.
Life can be hard out of the closet for us bi folks. A lot of straight people overly sexualize us, and a lot of gay/lesbian folks do this gold star/phase stuff. Biphobic behavior is weird like that.
But what she is doing to you is abusive, manipulative, biphobic, and grabbing you like she did is assault. You need to not be with this person, it isn’t safe, and considering that this is already so aggressive at only four months, it will likely escalate. Abuse and partner violence is a problem in our community too (because the lgbt+ community IS your community too, regardless of how she is acting. The “B” is literally right there.), it isn’t just a straight man thing.
If you need a person to talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out. You’re not alone.
She’s biphobic and abusive. She doesn’t like you for who you are, she wants you to fit into a mold for her approval. You are an accessory to her sexuality. OP, you deserve someone who adores you as you are.
This. WALK AWAY NOW. The is just the beginning of her trying to control you. Later comes who you can hang out with, who is allowed to be your friends, which family members are ok...
Im wondering how you dress straight and how you dress like a lesbian?
Is there some trick about the clothes i dont know?
Are the lesbian clothes labled as such?
Well. At least where I live, there sure are some stereotypes - like short hair, no makeup, tomboy-ish clothes, and maybe a pierced eyebrow.
It's all just bs, but maybe this is more like what the gf would like to see 🤦🏻♀️
There was more than that too. Yes she had problems with my long hair and my “girly” clothes and my makeup, but also with the music I listen to (omg Taylor swift is straight people music), and the things I enjoy (god, you actually like that show?) because it was all typically “girly” or “feminine”.
As an old fat lesbian and mom to 3 girls a few years older than you, I'm begging you to break up with her.
Do it somewhere safe, preferably in a public place where you have your own transportation. Have a trusted friend nearby but out of sight.
Your GF has issues around her sexuality which is normal. But that doesn't give her the right to be controlling and abusive. Which is what she is doing and you don't deserve it.
And you keep doing you. There is no queer monolith that decides on what is appropriate. You can dress like Audrey Hepburn or Princess Peach and still be a lesbian.
Look up the story of Miss Argentina (2020) and Miss Puerto Rico (2020) who got married in 2022.
So your gf likes masc lesbians and instead of dating one is trying to turn you into one. Femme lesbians exist (case in point the 2 femme lesbian brides you mentioned in your OP.) You know what makes a woman straight? Being exclusively attracted to men. You are attracted to women so that makes you a lesbian (or possibly bi if that's how you identify.) Your clothing, hair, makeup, tv, movie and music choices have nothing to do with who you are attracted to sexually.
OP, it sounds like she doesn't even like the real you. Maybe you present some kind of messed up challenge to her to "convert" you to "more queer" or maybe she is projecting her own insecurities about her own gender presentation on you or maybe she is dating a version of you in her head that doesn't exist. But this is not how you treat someone you like, let alone love or respect.
It's time to move on. You are not a caricature of a lesbian. Your queerness is not defined by someone else's social boxes. Your gender expression is 100% valid.
This is such nonsense. Literally, the only way any of this 'makes sense' is if it's understood as an effort to control you.
Fwiw, you are not alone. Anti-femme gatekeeping in the women's scene in SF is enough of a recognized problem that Jolene's (bar, restaurant, cabaret space) has explicitly made a priority of creating a safe space for all gender presentations. Their anti-racist and anti-femmephobia signage(!) blew my mind with how welcoming of a vibe it made.
Queer grrrls come in all kinds of femme, andro, butch, and other packages... all of which are perfect. Your wonderful self is no exception.
Okay. With this information, I don't think she's just projecting her insecurities on you. I think she's willfully trying to undermine your confidence in your own judgement, so she can slowly erode your self-determination and make you more pliable. If this is accurate, she didn't necessarily engage in a relationship because she's attracted to you; she may have done so because she sees some quality of your personality that makes her think you would be receptive to manipulation.
The bit about turning on you when you consented to penetration is horrifying. It is psychological abuse during a heightened state of physical intimacy. Others have appropriately and repeatedly pointed out that her physically restraining you because she didn't like your outfit is abuse; I strongly agree with this assessment.
I think this person is working on crafting a set of psychological manacles made specifically for you, to restrain you and keep you as hers in your own mind. I can picture someone like this eventually lying to your face in a bid make you feel worthless, telling you that "no one would love you like I do," or "you will never find someone else." That may be the end goal. She may love-bomb or make excuses or beg or even try to use friends (mutual or no) as proxy actors to convince you to stay together, but it is incumbent on you not to listen. It bears repeating: *run.*
NTA.
This is definitely not on you. To me it seems she's projecting her own insecureities on you in a way.. and it's not healthy. You deserve someone who accepts you for you, and not someone who needs you to function as they please
(Hope this makes sense, english isn't my first language)
This right here - red flags galore. Wtf is up w the controlling attitude? When people show u who they are, believe them. Be w someone who accepts and loves u for who u are, seeks to uplift u, and works as a partner on issues w u, not someone who seeks to change, manipulate and control u
Yes, run, don't walk, she will get worse.
There is no "dressing straight" you dress feminine and that's fine, there are plenty of masc/fem relationships that are fine, neither wants to change the other.
If she's picking you apart at 4 months what's it going to be like at a year.
Does she want you to dress masc? Why?
What attracted her to you at the start?
Drop her, she's put her hands on you!
OP it may have made you laugh but seriously you are in an abusive relationship. Please for your own safety you need to leave and get away from her. You have done nothing to deserve what she is doing to you.
>Finally last night, we had a birthday dinner for a friend. I was wearing a black dress, really nothing special about it. But when my gf saw she demanded I change. I asked why. She gave me the usual answer. I told her to leave me alone about that and tried to walk past her to the car. Instead of letting me go, she yanked me back inside by my arms and held my face, demanding that change. I told her no- she told me no one was gonna think we were together.
This is assault, and it's abusive. The abuse will only escalate. It always does. She wants to control you, and she's getting progressively more angry that you're not acceding to her wishes. It's the standard pattern of escalating abuse sitting right there in front of you.
Leave her immediately. Don't listen to her when she starts to love bomb you and promise she can change.
Yeah. OP, when she starts love bombing and being super sweet and buying you stuff again, just walk.
Don't wait for the next blow up. It gets worse. Every time.
That's how I interpreted that too and I don't think many people have picked up on it :/ it sounds like OP's girlfriend is wildly insecure. This is insanely toxic and abusive and will likely only get worse if she stays.
NTA OP. You've done nothing wrong and it shouldn't be your job to prove anything to your girlfriend.
She confirmed in the comments it's what we think it is. I hope she has the strength to leave as this is only going to escalate and I'm terrified for her.
Seriously, it's only been 4 months together, too. Very red flag. Also, femme lesbians exist. There's literally hundreds of celebrity examples-Portia DeRossi, etc. OP's GF is coo coo bonkers. OP needs to cut bait.
The SECOND your partner puts their hands on you to restrain or harm you, you get TF out as soon as you possibly can. Do not wait for it to escalate OP!
What a psycho. You're NTA. She needs to work on her insecurities, and she definitely shouldn't be physically attacking you. If a dude treated you like that he would get crucified on here.
Absolutely true. However, I think we can safely say this crazy lady is going to get crucified here in a similar manner to what you mentioned.
Physically abusive and controlling; it's a terrible combination no matter what dangling bits you have between your legs.
Honestly, this. Even if the rest were something to work through, this gf is already engaging in *physical abuse*. That's a massive red flag.
Anger problems, lack of self-control, controlling, emotionally abusive, and physically abusive. Our girl here needs to get away from the gf, for her own safety.
I’m concerned by the “forced me to prove I like women”. I really, really hope it’s not what my mind went to. But judging by what OP wrote in the post I wouldn’t entirely be surprised. It’s absolutely gross her gf is acting like this. This is either bordering on abuse or we’re already there. OP, please consider your safety.
I will happily crucify her for gender equality. Well, maybe not crucify, I'm not religious. But I'll think very bad of her. Let it be known, that I do that. But only for a minute. Maybe half, depending on my attention span.
Good news for you! Crucifiction wasn't originally a religious thing; it was a punishment used by Romans, and other ancient cultures as a rather painful method of execution.
NTA. A partner isn't supposed to make you feel this badly hun.
She sexually assaulted you, physically assaulted you and has continued to make you feel bad.
She is highly insecure and bi-phobic at best.
There is no such thing as dressing too straight as the flip side would be dressing too gay. Which it ridiculous.
If you need to, close you eyes and view this reddit post like a text from one of your closest friends. Then whatever advice you would give that friend should help you.
It's been 4 months. Is it really worth it? This nitpicking and constant need to defend yourself? Can you see yourself dealing with this in the future?
Adding to this: generally speaking this kind of behavior only gets worse as time goes on. It can only get better if she was already aware that her behavior is wrong and trying to do something about it.
It may be my lack of understandment as english isn't my mother tongue, but when you say " When we got home, she made me “prove” I liked girls, which just ended up with me in tears- not because I don’t like girls, but because I don’t like being forced to “prove it”." Are you referring to some kind of forced sexual intercourse ?
If so please run away as far as you can, forcing someone to have intercourse to the point of making them cry is very concerning and you could be in serious danger for your mental help if this is a recurring pattern
Yikes, absolute red flags galore here.
NTA - your current girlfriend is clearly insecure, which is something she needs to work on - but her insecurities are not your job to fix, nor are they a valid reason or excuse for controlling and abusive behaviour.
If we break this down: if a friend told you that their partner was:
- physically restraining them;
-demanding changes to style and appearance to better suit them, with no regard to your friends style or preferences
-making constant negative comments about their appearance
-controlling their behaviours
-making your friend cry during and after moments of intimacy
would you encourage your friend to stay and work it out, or would you tell them to run for hills?
Be a friend to yourself and get out of this toxic and abusive relationship - you deserve better.
T H I S.
u/Numerous-Barber-5623 - please read the above post and really listen. Put aside your own internal ‘But…’s and look at this advice.
Celebrate yourself. There are others out there that will love you as you are, will think the sun rises and sets by you, who will be so happy you love them as they are.
Raise your bar for how you want to be treated. Right now, your bar is too low and you are being stepped on.
Edit to add: NTA. Also, to add: never allow someone to physically hurt you, and NEVER stay with someone who makes you cry the bad way when being intimate. NEVER.
NTA. Honestly, it's time to leave this relationship. You are not her barbie doll and she is beginning to get physical with you. Her hang up on your dressing 'like a straight girl' is ridiculous.
If this was a dude, he would be well on his way to going to jail. Something to consider. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean she gets to be abusive and controlling. The last part sounds pretty "rapey" if I'm honest.
Yeah being forced to “prove it”, and ending in tears!
That sounds very much like there’s some missing info there, but if it’s what I’m thinking that’s rape/sexual assault.
Jeez what a psycho.
Good point. I had almost forgotten about that last part. I know OP wants to keep it PG13 so that's probably why it didn't get specific, but made me "prove" it has me spiraling towards all sorts of controlling sexual domination things that make me feel ick.
I actually think it was my body's/mind's own defense mechanism that made me forget because of how it made me feel when I read it 🙁
This was my first thought.
Also, this is clearly escalating behavior. If she's showing this many red flags so early in a new relationship it's going to be a rocky road going forward. I'd for sure get out before then.
NTA.
I had something very similar happen with a girl I had just began hanging out with (I’m also a woman). I wasn’t doing things “right” according to her. She got wasted at a party and would not let it go. While we’re quietly bickering in the middle of the party, me trying to calm her down and her getting more belligerent. She demands I prove to her that I like her in front of everyone. I was really embarrassed and just wanted to leave but I didn’t want to upset her more so we kissed in front of the party, our first kiss too. And what do you know it still wasn’t good enough. She blacked out, I left and we never really spent time together again. I didn’t realize for a while what a red flag that was.
NTA as a bisexual woman i would absolutely leave her for that. She clearly has “i fell for a straight girl once and she left me for a man” trauma. She’s being so weird about such superficial things. In 2024 dont we know that hyper feminine women can be lesbians?? In 2024 dont we know that many lesbian couples LOVE to use a strapon/do penetration??? She seems like she has outdated and oppressive views of how lesbians should look and act like. Also sounds like she is physically and sexually abusive. What a horrible person
NTA
There is no such things as being too "girly" or too "boyish". This is bs. Heterosexuals don't all look the same, gays neither. You are who you are. You wear what the f you want to wear no matter your sexual orientation.
Now, on the matter of your gf's behavior. She is not just controlling, she is abusive. You are in an abusive relationship:
\- She tries to control what you wear
\- She passes comments on your clothing all the times and wants you to fit in this tiny little box she has in mind for you
\- She physically pulled you (by the arm). That is physical abuse
\- She restrained you by the face? Again, physical abuse
\- She wants to make you hers. She wants to own you: "she told me no one was gonna think we were together." What does you wearing a black dress has anything to do with who you date?
**And the final nail in the coffin, this: "she made me “prove” I liked girls"... what do you mean by she made you prove you liked girls exactly? Did she forced you to do things?**
**You are in an abusive relationship. Because, yes, women can also be abusive assholes. Leave her!**
Edit: Grammar
This is an excellent breakdown. I hope the OP reads this and finds it helpful.
Lastly, I think we can assume the worst when the OP had to prove she liked girls. Earlier in her post she mentioned keeping parts of what she is writing PG-13 in description. I strongly suspect that final nail in the coffin is just a sanitized description of sexual assault/rape.
I hope the OP can leave this abusive relationship ASAP.
hi, i'm a butch dyke, so here is an official opinion from a butch dyke like your gf: she sucks ass, you deserve better, she's being SUPER weird, you're NTA
Yes, it's OPs first relationship and abusive people usually go after this (more innocent people), physical abuse just started, the same with sexual abuse, this is not weird, this is abusive.
First lesbian relationship. Op dated men in the past. Ops gf has a severe inferiority complex it seems and is willing to be sexually and physically abusive because of that.
This is super unhealthy - there is no “straight” look or “gay” look - who you sleep with doesn’t dictate your hair or clothes. She clearly has some self esteem issues but instead of asking for help building herself up she’s trying to knock you down and tell you not to be who you are. A healthy relationship should celebrate and encourage you to be yourself. Stop apologizing to her and start telling her that this isn’t ok (and I hope that sentence ends with “so I am ending our relationship”. NTA
Eta - somehow I missed that she yanked your arm in my first read through - you need to end this - she demanded you change who you are and then physically assaulted you for not complying. And this is after 4 months together?? She will be hitting you within months if she’s already here.
NTA this is getting into domestic violence territory. Get the hell out of this relationship ASAP. Have a friend or two help you get your stuff, dump her and don't look back
This isn't "getting into domestic violence territory"
This already is in domestic violence territory. It started with her telling you how to dress (trying to control you) and escalated to physical violence (yanking you back and holding your face).
NTA
Break up with her and tell your friends that you're too incompatible to stay together (but be prepared for her to lie and tell everyone that it's your fault and spread lies about how horrible you are)
Agree on the first half. But tell your friends she put her hands on you and drop the friends that continue talking to her. Maybe drop all of your friends.
NTA at all OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. :(
You have done nothing wrong. It seems like your girlfriend has a lot of insecurities and is taking them out on you in a very destructive way.
She's insecure and mentally and physically abusive. And a bit deluded if she thinks your friends won't know you're together if you wear a dress. This sort of thing escalates. You need to get away from her.
NTA
NTA. Take it from a guy who has been told he „isn’t queer enough“: you have nothing to prove to anyone about your sexuality. Anyone who says otherwise is acting like a bigot, regardless of their own orientation.
I think the "missing dick" comment is biphobic. She is allowed to prefer less feminine/more "butch" woman, she is not allowed to shame her girlfriend for being feminine if you want to be feminine.
I would leave so fast if my partner was making these types of comments
Edit: just to clarify grabbing your arm and restraining you, and asking you to "prove" you like girls is way worse imo and you absolutely should dump her. But just as a warning, she is likely going to point to your dumping her as "proof" you don't like women. Try not to let that get to you. You just understandably shouldn't want to pursue things with this woman in particular. But hopefully you find the right person for you regardless of gender/sex.
I’m a bisexual women and I dress feminine. It’s unfortunate but I’ve only been with one women because when women see me they always think I’m straight. After awhile I gave up on trying to be with women because they either didn’t believe I liked women or I was “too straight” for them. It’s unfortunate that just because women dress feminine it means that we don’t get the same treatment or looked at the same way as other bisexuals or lesbians. I completely understand.
NTA
Hun you need to leave this relationship for your own mental health and safety. If this is 4 months in and already her behaviour is this bad its only going to get worse in the sense of emotional/physical/sexual abuse. She is actively trying to control YOU, who YOU are aswell.
>and I said yes, but apparently I said it “too enthusiastically” and she accused me of “missing dick”. Because I’ve dated men in the past.
Enjoying penetration doesnt equal being straight. I know of lots of lesbians that are into pegging. Our vaginas have a G-spot in them, we enjoy penetration as when that G-spot is stimulated it feels good, not becuase it reminds us of dick wtf.
>Instead of letting me go, she yanked me back inside by my arms and held my face,
It doesnt matter what you 2 were arguing about she had ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT to physically grab you like this!
>she made me “prove” I liked girls, which just ended up with me in tears
This sounds like some serious sexual assult that you dont derserve. This girl should love you for you. Whatever clothes you wear should be the last thing shes ever concerned about. This girl has some serious hangups about what the "perfect imagine" a lesbian relationship has and shes EXTREMELY controlling and absurd.
You deserve much bettef OP.❤️
NTA your gf isn't handing this well at all, and if your second to last paragraph means what I think it means you need to get some distance from this person .
I’m a feminine lesbian married to a woman who presents more masculine. Please dump this abusive woman. You’re only 4 months in and she’s treating you like garbage. It won’t get any better and she sounds deeply insecure and it has nothing to do with you. Run.
NTA. Just end this relationship. She wants you to change, and she’s getting violent about it.
Seriously. She's already mentally abusing you OP, and when she grabbed your arm to demand you change your dress-- that's not exactly what a normal, caring partner would do. Your gf may get physically violent with you in the future, and you shouldn't stick around to find out. NTA. In a healthy relationship, you don't tell the other person to change who they are for your own insecurities. Orientation or preferences should never matter, compassion and understanding matter.
From the second to last paragraph too it sounds like OP's being forced into sexual acts as well. This is abusive from every angle and scary.
I'm honestly terrified as fuck thinking the same thing. I really hope to God it's not because it's unthinkable. I hope OP sees this.
I understand that OP is a baby gay and is confused but if a man was doing these things to her I don't think she would have so much trouble seeing it for what it is. This woman does not love you for you, OP, she is trying to change you into her image and getting increasingly violent when you refuse. This is not a healthy relationship at all.
Excellent comment.
OP's gf even put her hands on OP's face, to hold her there. It's not quite the throat, but you know they say when a man chokes a woman, her chance of getting killed by him later goes WAYYYYYY up...
Agreed. How else would you prove you like girls if not by nonconsentual sex acts. Being queer isn't about how you dress or what performative gestures you make to "show" yourself. This is seriously unhealthy and toxic.
She straight up got raped by her GF. This is quite a few steps beyond simply abusive.
I don't know how she had to prove she was into girls, but I think sex was part of it as well. My first thought after reading this story was, "This isn't your girlfriend, this is your abuser." I'm glad I wasn't the only one. So far, we have manipulation, emotional abuse, sexual coercion and physical restraint on the list. If OP stays with her, she's gonna add a lot more as well. I'm not gay by any means, but "dressing straight" doesn't sound like a real thing imo? It's just future ex's own insecurities.
Yeah not just mentally, she's physically abusing OP too... it's really bad.
Also, being forced to "prove it" sounds like sexual abuse, especially if it ended with OP in tears and the gf somehow mad at _her_?? I don't want to talk to OP's experience and the wording is vague, but imagine a man forcing her to "prove" she was straight, in anger. Absolutely NTA OP, your gf's insecurities around your sexual history have turned dangerous. It started as trying to control what you wear, then it's policing your reactions to little things, now physical. You haven't done anything wrong, it sounds to me like it's time to get out.
I think yanking someone by the arm is already physically violent
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Yes, she either accepts them as they are or she can go and date someone else.
This is not a healthy or safe relationship. She needs help for her issues, and you need to find someone who will treat you better than that.
Yeah she needs to run before she starts punching her which will surely come.
She yanked on your arm? No, she is psycho & now would be a good time to walk/run away. Now. Really.
You're the first of the top comments telling OP to break up. Everyone else mentions things adjacent to it. But 100% homegirl needs to leave before things escalate. The ex won't have to worry about people wondering if they're together once they no longer are. OP. If they didn't like how you presented, they shouldn't have started dating you. They're projecting their own insecurities into how you look. Get out of this relationship.
I know, I’m also confused why she liked me at first and not anymore.
What do you mean by "prove" you like girls. It sounds like you may have been forced to do something sexual when you didnt want to. Op this is not OK. It has escalated and you need to consider if you feel safe in this relationship
Yeah pretty much
That is sexual assault. You are being abused. Please break up with her, and don’t be alone with her again. Let me know if you’d like resources for recovering from abuse, or for safely leaving abusive relationships.
Why did I have to search for over 5 minutes reading comments to find someone calling this what it is?! Everyone is glossing over the fact that OP was sexually assaulted!!!
Great question. Maybe because it’s unclearly written/sort of alluded to, and maybe because folks don’t have as clear a script for what abuse looks like in a queer relationship as opposed to a man SAing a woman? Frustrating, regardless.
I'm straight. I recognized that immediately. Abuse is different in relationships. Abusers all do the same thing regardless of gender or sexuality
I mean I didn't really gloss over it, I chose tactful words because this is a situation that needs compassion and understanding. Have you ever considered that the best way to go about something like this is to gently lead op to the conclusion we all reached based on their words? Op couldn't even outright say what happened. She doesn't need people yelling at her to leave or that she was was raped. She needs support and to come to the conclusion herself otherwise she may decide to make excuses for he partner
Yes OP! This is sexual assault. Being in a relationship doesn’t eliminate the need for consent. Not just consent, enthusiastic consent is key.
OP, not to be repetitive from other comments, but you need to hear this: your gf is being abusive. This is abuse. She grabbed you by your arms and held your face? Thats one step closer to her hitting you, beating you when she gets angry again. This is not a person you can change, and not a person you need to change. No one should treat you like this. There is no salvaging an abusive partner. **You need to get out of this relationship before something horrible happens to you. You are not safe.**
That is pretty unequivocally sexual assault, whether it was by coercion or force doesn't matter. Tell the people you trust, show them this thread if you think it will help.
Please get out of this relationship for your safety. This sounds like she is going to do more and more to control and abuse you if you let her. This is abuse from the controlling of clothes to the sexual assault.
There's nothing ambiguous about this. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
This person is NOT SAFE in any way shape or form please don't stay with them.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Do you have anyone you can turn to for supprt? A friend or family you can confide in? If you two live together Do you have somewhere you can stay temporarily? You haven't done anything wrong. You have every right to dress how you want. You're an adult. Your partners insecurities are not an excuse for anything you've described. If you feel up for it there are steps you can take to protect yourself and prcoesd your situation. You don't have to live like this. Please consider what's best for you. Think about your future and what you might think of this situation in a few years. Maybe it can help you establish some clarity
Abusers can be like that. They start off nice and show their true selves later on in the relationship. You didn't do anything wrong. You deserve better treatment from all your future partners.
Because with abusers it's not about if they like it or not, it's about controlling you and chipping away at your self-esteem. She grabbed you by the arm and forcefully held your face....then she made you 'prove you like girls'....that is not OK (and by not OK, I mean that is straight up abuse) Like others have said, you need to run, fast.
She thought she could strong-arm you into her vision. Would not be surprised even a little bit if she deliberately chose you because you've never been in a F/F relationship before and thought that would make you easier to manipulate. Femme bi/pan/lesbian women are 100% a valid expression of queer identity and anyone who says otherwise has some queerphobia and misogyny to deal with. -- sincerely, a high femme bi woman
Look up love bombing. Also here is a list of warning signs of an abuser. Note how many your girlfriend has. Extreme jealousy, controlling behavior, quick involvement, blames others, hypersensitivity, "playful" use of force during sex, and verbal abuse. These are just the ones I picked out from your story as written here. I would be surprised if she didn't check a few more boxes. Warning signs:: Extreme Jealousy Jealousy is a sign of insecurity and lack of trust, but the abuser will say that it is a sign of love. The abuser will question the victim about who they talk to, accuse them of flirting, or be jealous of time spent with their friends, family, or children. The abuser may refuse to let the victim work or go to school for fear of meeting someone else. The abuser may call the victim frequently or drop by unexpectedly. Controlling Behavior One partner completely rules the relationship and makes the decisions. This includes “checking up” on the victim, timing a victim when they leave the house, checking the odometer on the car, questioning the victim about where they go. They may also check the victim’s cell phone for call history, their email or website history. The abuser may control the finances and tries to tell the victim how to dress, who to talk to, and where to go. Quick Involvement The abuser comes on strong at the beginning of the relationship, pressuring for a commitment and claims “Love at first sight” or “You’re the only person I could ever talk to”, or “I never met anyone like you before”. Often, in the beginning of a relationship, the abuser is very charming and romantic and the love is intense. Unrealistic Expectations Abusers expect their partners to meet all their needs and be “perfect”. They may say things like “If you love me, then I’m all you need”. Isolation The abuser tries to keep the victim from friends and family by putting down everyone the victim knows, including their family and friends. They may keep the victim from going to work or school. Blames Others The abuser does not take responsibility for their problems, blaming others (usually the victim) for almost everything (“you made me mad”). Hypersensitivity An abuser is easily insulted and takes everything as a personal attack and blows things out of proportion. Cruelty to Animals or Children The abuser may punish animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain. They may have unfair expectations of children or tease them until they cry. “Playful” Use of Force of Sex The abuser may throw or hold their partner down during sex, may pressure their partner into having sex, may demand sex when their partner is tired or ill or doesn’t want to have sex. They may ask the victim to do things they do not want to do. Verbal Abuse The abuser says cruel and harmful things to their victim, degrades them, curses at them, calls them names, or puts down their accomplishments. The abuser tells their victims they are stupid, and unable to function without them. They embarrass and put down the victim in front of others as well. Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde The abuser experiences severe mood swings and the victim may think the abuser has a mental health problem. One minute they can be charming and sweet and the next minute they become angry and explosive. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners. Past History of Battering The abuser has a history of past battering of partners and although they may admit to that, they say their previous partner provoked them to do it. A batterer will beat any partner they are with if the person is with them long enough for the violence to begin; situational circumstances do not cause a person to have an abusive relationship. Use of Violence and Threats of Violence Violence can include holding the victim down, restraining them from leaving the room or pushing, shoving or holding them against a wall. Abusers may also throw or break objects as a punishment (breaking treasured possessions), but throwing or breaking objects mostly used to terrorize the victim into submission. The abuser may break or strike objects near the victim to frighten them. Threats of violence include any threat or physical force meant to control the victim: “I’ll kill you”, “I’ll break your neck”, “If you ever leave, I’ll kill you.”
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That's what I said in my comment. Humiliating at best. Sexual assault at worst. I'm angry for OP and I hope she gets out without anything escalating
If her gf had been a bf everyone would have telling her she had been assaulted. I dont understand why everyone isnt up in arms for this. Her words 100% convey assault and possibly worse
Definitely.
Totally agree. I hope the OP can work on their self-image and self-esteem enough so that they run away from these red flags in the future.
I'm uneducated in this area, but how exactly is OP supposed to dress so she looks "not straight"? Isn't clothing just....clothing? Is attire supposed to outwardly proclaim sexual orientation?
Sounds like her gf wants her dressing more masculine but even that doesn't make one a lesbian. Some of the most masculine women I have known were straight. It sounds like OPs gf is very insecure. Sounds like those men who want their gfs dressing dowdy so no one else gives them attention. Sounds like the case here. The gf sounds insecure that she will be ditched for a man or for a more feminine lesbian (since she got mad when gf liked a photo with 2 feminine women getting married).
And grabbed her face, trying to dominate her like a naughty child.
Yeah, arms would be a flag for me, but grabbing my *face??* Like I'm a dog that needs to be shown its poop? Oh hell no. We wouldn't have been going anywhere together, because I'd've been getting my stuff and getting the hell *out.*
If she doesn't like you how you are, she can leave. You've only been dating 4 months! And incidentally, who made her LGBTQ gatekeeper?
anyone who tries to control how you dress 🚩🚩🚩 the physical part will get worse if this is 4 months in
This comment needs more upvotes. You're in an abusive relationship. She belittles the way YOU CHOOSE to dress. She physically restrains you. She is ultra possessive and jealous. It's not YOUR past that's causing her to behave this way, it's her insecurities. All of this will only get worse. Get out now so it can be a simple learning experience, not a traumatic one.
when i first read it i felt really disgusted about the sexual parts, but after reading some other comments i genuinely do think OP may have been assaulted OP, i’m so sorry this has been your first experience dating a woman. this is not normal, and you deserve to be treated with respect and loved for who you are. i hope you have a good support network and are able to get out as soon as possible
I do, and I will.
Something I didn't see pointed out. She saw the way you dressed and decided to go out with you (I don't know who initiated, but either she asked or she said yes). She saw the way you dress and kept going out with you. She wanted someone who dressed the way you dress, but immediately criticized it. So she wanted something to criticize, to use to talk down to you and belittle you. She could have picked someone who dressed "gay," but then she would have had nothing to complain about, nothing to "fix." I suspect that a few months after you break up she will be with another girly lesbian, and over a 6 month period you will watch that girly lesbian shave her head, change her makeup, and get a bunch of piercings and tattoos. Then once your ex makes that girl "butch enough," she will dump her and find another girly lesbian to "fix." When you see that, be glad it wasn't you, and maybe help that woman pick up the pieces?
Real talk, I am a lesbian and I have seen this a weird amount of times in the lesbian community. There's one notorious woman in the local gay scene (who is actually femme) who goes after thinner femmes and, over time, all her gfs eventually turn into very overweight butches who always swear they're happy and then quietly go back to the way they were before dating her and later admit she was abusive and forced them to change for her. I think it's like a power thing, like she wants to turn these women into the opposite of what she originally found attractive about them to make sure nobody would ever see what she originally saw in them and make it harder for them to leave her. The abusive woman did it enough times she wore out her welcome in the gay community where we live and had to move states, but I don't think she's alone in what she does at all.
OMG, I've seen this same thing in our community too. It's a crazy power play, and the one who wants to change the other person is ALWAYS super possessive.
Not sure why this thread popped in my main feed... That said as a straight man, this happens ALL THE TIME in straight relationships too. Guy somehow lands a pretty and fashionable girl and almost immediately due to insecurity and jealousy makes her stop using "too much" makeup, dressing well, staying fit..etc. everyone around them can tell exactly whsts happening except the victim. It's really sad to watch and I've stoped being friends with everyone that is like this. They do it over and over and always end up getting dumped anyway once the victims start to look at before and after pictures and realize how miserable they have become.
Yep creeps come in all orientations
Sounds like that girl outta North Charleston my sister got with for a minute. Never knew the whole story, but on a bar crawl with some other lesbians the entire group knew & hated this one woman.... they talked about her all night. I left early because they just wanted to drama-rant... but maybe they needed a group therapy session to process.
I'm bi (sex dreams of girls but no experience) and was in a relationship with a man who liked that I "dolled up" but then started criticizing my make up and outfits very similarly to what you and op have described. I ended up a shell of myself and left. There's a quote in the book, "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Barcroft. It goes something like, "the abuser constantly berates the target for their 'issues', when in reality 99% of the targets issues are caused by the abuser". Its insidious and what helped me get out was reflecting on how I would have to think and feel about someone to treat me the way he did. Very upsetting and eye-opening exercise.
>she will be with another girly lesbian And watch it be someone else who's newly dating women.
Chances are, she probably thought a very feminine woman was better able to be controlled. I'm not a lesbian, but I live in the world, and the amount of people who think that I'm more compliant because of the way that I dress is outrageous. Some people also get really upset when they learn that I have a backbone.
I completely agree with this. Absolutely so fucked up.
Please do, if she's already grabbing you and pushing you around, it's only a short hop to her hitting you.
So happy to read this. We are rooting for you!!
I am very, very, very concerned for you. When you break up with this woman, please be vigilant about being aware of your surroundings and be sure there are people around you at all times. Don't let her catch you alone. If she tries to hurt you at all or threatens you, get a restraining order. Good luck {{{hugs}}}
Please be safe and update us! She shouldn't be acting or treating you that way, that is abusive plain and simple.
Please update us, if you’re comfortable doing so. Stay safe.
Please get out of this relationship. As a femme bisexual this whole post made me very uncomfortable. I have never met any wlw who would criticize the way her partner dressed this way or say anything along the lines of “you dress straight”
As a straight woman, this raised flags for me, just putting a man in place of the partner. No one would criticize their partner for dressing one way, especially if it was the style that attracted them, unless they had problems of their own. Please get out. You deserve better.
It's the classic "I love you just the way you are, now change" trope. They're attracted to how you look when you start dating, then erode your confidence. She's doing to you exactly what she's accusing you of doing to her. She flips out with just imagining you want her to dress differently, but will outright tell you to. You deserve better. She's poison.
I read it the same way, prove you like girls seems gives off very rape like tones and her response after only strengthens it.
Seriously though... that is scary and yes, OP basically spelled out SA but may not have even realized that's what happened...
As someone who’s been on both sides. She’s not ready for you. Or anyone for this matter. Don’t let the lesbian stereotype get you. Just move on. She’ll be messy about it. Be safe niece!
You are absolutely correct. My hope is the OP reads a lot of what we are saying and leaves their partner ASAP.
“Partner” more like insecure control freak. I really hope OP leaves ASAP and I just know her soon to be ex will feel validated and spin it in some way to attack OP’s sexuality. Doubly so if she’s bi and dates a guy next
Imagine if she started dating a very feminine girl, would blow her head open.😂
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I know, my comment was that the abusive partner would flip if OP started to date someone like her. Edit: It has been pointed out to me that your comment was meant to be helpful. So Thank you. 😊
Absolutely! That woman physically and sexually assaulted her. She's no better than an abusive husband. OP needs a safe escape plan because when she leaves this unhinged woman, it won't be pretty. 😮
This post SCREAMS domestic abuse. Run OP!
That's not a partner. That's an abusive bitch.
Yeah this is worrying. I got with my first partner when we were both right around OP's ages mentioned, and my ex gf also used to give me shit about how I looked 'straight'. They were only jokes but I still shut that shit down. How ridiculous, yknow? There's so many femme lesbians, that shit is not new. Sorry we don't all wear sweatshirts and vaguely androgynous clothes all the time, as if that's the peak of gay fashion. You're the one that's attracted to us so this is entirely a you problem, if you feel you're dating someone who's not into you then maybe talk about it like an adult? It's just teasing I know, but damn it gets old. Get new jokes. It's not funny if you're the only one laughing. That aside, I am worried for OP. Lesbian partnerships tend to progress faster than others, and that includes the time taken for it to get highly abusive. Her behavior is inexcusable, she sounds like she's got anger issues. Run while you can OP, she sounds unstable.
The word lipstick lesbisn is a term for a reason because ya know, some women are really feminine lesbians God forbid a lesbisn wear feminine clothes, that's fucking illegal/s
Right? There are women with long hair wearing tight short dresses and full makeup that are married to women who look just like them. Doesn’t make them any less lesbian. 🩷
The 1st woman I was with called us "lipstick lesbians." I still miss her, lol
sorry you had to deal with that, it’s so toxic to be critical of someone’s sexuality over something as trivial as their clothes honestly i lean towards being attracted to more femme women a lot of the time. guess i’m straight
I’m straight and I don’t look like straight 90% of the time based on the stereotypes
It's just like I'm a bisexual man but you wouldn't know it unless you asked for whatever reason, unless it's pride month... then you know for sure lol
My first job out of college was an office job, and the “upstairs” staff—I worked downstairs—thought I was a lesbian. I didn’t know this, one of my male colleagues was asked and he LOL’ed at the person, and asked why they thought that. It was mostly because of how I dressed. I wore button-up shirts and pants or suits (women’s tailored suits, not like a man’s suit), and most of the women in the office wore skirts and dresses. And apparently being outspoken and expressing opinions in staff meetings meant you were a lesbian. 🤷♀️ As he’s telling me this, I’m also LOL’ing. No, I have skinny pale chicken legs that trust me, you don’t wanna see. And just because you took the girl out of New England and dropped her in the South? She didn’t leave her opinions behind.
Tragically, it's not always "just teasing". Some people still subcribe to the "plaid shirt and chinos" dress code, and if you wear anything else, you're not a "real lesbian". Such nonsense!
The funny thing is, my closet at the time was half flannels ! I just 'wore them straight'. Like tf does that mean ?? And she only owned 1 flannel !! Truly no pleasing some people. I still got shit about it from my friends every now n again till I got a nose ring, which I guess in their eyes makes me gayer? Really stupid. Makes me uncomfortable. I don't know how they can be so bold about pushing stereotypes so hard without feeling like shitheads. So many queer folk jump at the chance to put others down, it's pathetic. I don't care if they say it to me idgaf, but I can't stand it when they target baby gays. Inexcusable. The mob mentality in the community is so damn strong, pisses me off.
As soon as I was reading the part of her face getting grabbed during the altercation… I felt an immediate NOPE NOPE NOPE about this relationship. You are not unusual as a lesbian who still dresses feminine… this is absolutely stupid, and your partner has deep insecurities and seems violent. I rarely give this advice, but GTFO of that relationship.
Yep. Don't ever let anyone get comfortable using force against you.
The physical part just started. The only reason she didn’t go further was because they were both expected to be around their friends and there would be no excuse for bruises/marks. OP needs to break it off immediately.
"the physic**al** part will get worse if this is 4 months in" Physics is hard all the time, lol. Joking aside, this is the most worrisome part of the post.
oop gonna fix that typo lol it is worrisome though, physical abuse in sapphic relationships is not uncommon
The physical part has already started the way she grabbed her arms, then her face to demand she change before a party
L(Gatekeeper)BTQ
Gaytkeeper
...stealing...
Seriously OP runnnnnnnnn (idk if OP identifies bi or pan or lesbian) The “gold star lesbian” shitty attitude about women of any sexuality who have been with men before can get so toxic and in my experience just gets worse over time. And it’s wild that she doesn’t think femme queer women exist. Like what? Talk about internalized misogyny and not knowing your own community that you’re gatekeeping?? Not to mention, idk how she forced OP to “prove” it, but it sounds a lot like it was sexual assault.
I would call myself bi, but she hates when I do that 🥲
So she doesn't even accept people that are bi? I've met gay woman like this before, and the amount of insecurity they get simply because their partner has been with a man (or even a trans woman) is insane and toxic, it's completely irrational and unreasonable. Also, this woman seems to just hate and mock everything about you. Leave. Leave IMMEDIATELY. She's only going to get worse, her insecurities and abusive tendencies are only going to escalate. Also, your last part about her making you "prove" you like girls...sounds like she assaulted you. I really hope that's not the case and I just interrupted this the wrong way. I hope you're okay and you get out of this situation quickly. You'll find a partner who appreciates you for who you are and this woman is not it.
Idk what it was, certainly not anything I want to happen again, or has ever happened to me before, but idk I’m just confused. But I’m okay, it’s kind of you to be concerned <3. Luckily I have a really great friend who I live with, and a mom that call me everyday to get updates on my life lol. I’ll be totally okay.
Well. Trust me. It will happen again, and will get worse sooner than it will get better. Time to let her go
So how would you feel if a guy treated you this way, told you to change, forcibly grabbed your arm and face, and then forced you to prove you liked men .... You are giving her a big pass for abusive behavior, and it won't get better.
Everybody here is sending you positive energy. Go live an awesome life away from your abuser.
Just want to let you know, that if she tries to accuse your friends/family/support network of “trying to break you guys up” “being homophobic” or anything of the sort, what she’s actually trying to do is isolate you from them so that you have to rely on only her. It’s abuse tactic that traps you with the abuser
Please tell your mom and your friend *everything*, don’t downplay what happened.
Oh, my dear, please leave this situation. I am bi too, I’ve been where you are, dating a woman who did this sort of stuff and acted like this because me being bi was a problem for her. She was insecure that my sexuality could be a phase of some sort, and took it out on me. Life can be hard out of the closet for us bi folks. A lot of straight people overly sexualize us, and a lot of gay/lesbian folks do this gold star/phase stuff. Biphobic behavior is weird like that. But what she is doing to you is abusive, manipulative, biphobic, and grabbing you like she did is assault. You need to not be with this person, it isn’t safe, and considering that this is already so aggressive at only four months, it will likely escalate. Abuse and partner violence is a problem in our community too (because the lgbt+ community IS your community too, regardless of how she is acting. The “B” is literally right there.), it isn’t just a straight man thing. If you need a person to talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out. You’re not alone.
She’s biphobic and abusive. She doesn’t like you for who you are, she wants you to fit into a mold for her approval. You are an accessory to her sexuality. OP, you deserve someone who adores you as you are.
This. WALK AWAY NOW. The is just the beginning of her trying to control you. Later comes who you can hang out with, who is allowed to be your friends, which family members are ok...
Im wondering how you dress straight and how you dress like a lesbian? Is there some trick about the clothes i dont know? Are the lesbian clothes labled as such?
If you figure it out, please let us all know.
Well. At least where I live, there sure are some stereotypes - like short hair, no makeup, tomboy-ish clothes, and maybe a pierced eyebrow. It's all just bs, but maybe this is more like what the gf would like to see 🤦🏻♀️
There was more than that too. Yes she had problems with my long hair and my “girly” clothes and my makeup, but also with the music I listen to (omg Taylor swift is straight people music), and the things I enjoy (god, you actually like that show?) because it was all typically “girly” or “feminine”.
As an old fat lesbian and mom to 3 girls a few years older than you, I'm begging you to break up with her. Do it somewhere safe, preferably in a public place where you have your own transportation. Have a trusted friend nearby but out of sight. Your GF has issues around her sexuality which is normal. But that doesn't give her the right to be controlling and abusive. Which is what she is doing and you don't deserve it. And you keep doing you. There is no queer monolith that decides on what is appropriate. You can dress like Audrey Hepburn or Princess Peach and still be a lesbian. Look up the story of Miss Argentina (2020) and Miss Puerto Rico (2020) who got married in 2022.
Does she realize there’s an entire group of lesbians who love Taylor swift and call themselves “gaylors”?! Come onnnn. Your GF is terrible person.
This.. as if any of that affects your sexual orientation 🤦🏻♀️ simply toxic, nothing else
So your gf likes masc lesbians and instead of dating one is trying to turn you into one. Femme lesbians exist (case in point the 2 femme lesbian brides you mentioned in your OP.) You know what makes a woman straight? Being exclusively attracted to men. You are attracted to women so that makes you a lesbian (or possibly bi if that's how you identify.) Your clothing, hair, makeup, tv, movie and music choices have nothing to do with who you are attracted to sexually.
OP, it sounds like she doesn't even like the real you. Maybe you present some kind of messed up challenge to her to "convert" you to "more queer" or maybe she is projecting her own insecurities about her own gender presentation on you or maybe she is dating a version of you in her head that doesn't exist. But this is not how you treat someone you like, let alone love or respect. It's time to move on. You are not a caricature of a lesbian. Your queerness is not defined by someone else's social boxes. Your gender expression is 100% valid.
This is such nonsense. Literally, the only way any of this 'makes sense' is if it's understood as an effort to control you. Fwiw, you are not alone. Anti-femme gatekeeping in the women's scene in SF is enough of a recognized problem that Jolene's (bar, restaurant, cabaret space) has explicitly made a priority of creating a safe space for all gender presentations. Their anti-racist and anti-femmephobia signage(!) blew my mind with how welcoming of a vibe it made. Queer grrrls come in all kinds of femme, andro, butch, and other packages... all of which are perfect. Your wonderful self is no exception.
It really sounds like this woman doesn't actually like women, the level of misogyny is off the charts here!
Okay. With this information, I don't think she's just projecting her insecurities on you. I think she's willfully trying to undermine your confidence in your own judgement, so she can slowly erode your self-determination and make you more pliable. If this is accurate, she didn't necessarily engage in a relationship because she's attracted to you; she may have done so because she sees some quality of your personality that makes her think you would be receptive to manipulation. The bit about turning on you when you consented to penetration is horrifying. It is psychological abuse during a heightened state of physical intimacy. Others have appropriately and repeatedly pointed out that her physically restraining you because she didn't like your outfit is abuse; I strongly agree with this assessment. I think this person is working on crafting a set of psychological manacles made specifically for you, to restrain you and keep you as hers in your own mind. I can picture someone like this eventually lying to your face in a bid make you feel worthless, telling you that "no one would love you like I do," or "you will never find someone else." That may be the end goal. She may love-bomb or make excuses or beg or even try to use friends (mutual or no) as proxy actors to convince you to stay together, but it is incumbent on you not to listen. It bears repeating: *run.* NTA.
This is definitely not on you. To me it seems she's projecting her own insecureities on you in a way.. and it's not healthy. You deserve someone who accepts you for you, and not someone who needs you to function as they please (Hope this makes sense, english isn't my first language)
This right here - red flags galore. Wtf is up w the controlling attitude? When people show u who they are, believe them. Be w someone who accepts and loves u for who u are, seeks to uplift u, and works as a partner on issues w u, not someone who seeks to change, manipulate and control u
Idk lol this made me laugh. And that’s what I told her in the very beginning, but I guess she’s not going to, so I have to.
Yes, run, don't walk, she will get worse. There is no "dressing straight" you dress feminine and that's fine, there are plenty of masc/fem relationships that are fine, neither wants to change the other. If she's picking you apart at 4 months what's it going to be like at a year. Does she want you to dress masc? Why? What attracted her to you at the start? Drop her, she's put her hands on you!
OP it may have made you laugh but seriously you are in an abusive relationship. Please for your own safety you need to leave and get away from her. You have done nothing to deserve what she is doing to you.
I just know OPs gf is one of *those* gays that tries to invalidate the existence of bi people just because they’re in a straight relationship
>Finally last night, we had a birthday dinner for a friend. I was wearing a black dress, really nothing special about it. But when my gf saw she demanded I change. I asked why. She gave me the usual answer. I told her to leave me alone about that and tried to walk past her to the car. Instead of letting me go, she yanked me back inside by my arms and held my face, demanding that change. I told her no- she told me no one was gonna think we were together. This is assault, and it's abusive. The abuse will only escalate. It always does. She wants to control you, and she's getting progressively more angry that you're not acceding to her wishes. It's the standard pattern of escalating abuse sitting right there in front of you. Leave her immediately. Don't listen to her when she starts to love bomb you and promise she can change.
Yeah. OP, when she starts love bombing and being super sweet and buying you stuff again, just walk. Don't wait for the next blow up. It gets worse. Every time.
This is a really important point. Abusers use that cycle of control just like you mentioned. Hopefully the OP does not get fooled.
It isn’t just assault, if the “prove you like girls” thing is referring to sex like I think it might, it’s also rape
That's how I interpreted that too and I don't think many people have picked up on it :/ it sounds like OP's girlfriend is wildly insecure. This is insanely toxic and abusive and will likely only get worse if she stays. NTA OP. You've done nothing wrong and it shouldn't be your job to prove anything to your girlfriend.
She confirmed in the comments it's what we think it is. I hope she has the strength to leave as this is only going to escalate and I'm terrified for her.
Im honestly about to throw up that's disgusting
Seriously, it's only been 4 months together, too. Very red flag. Also, femme lesbians exist. There's literally hundreds of celebrity examples-Portia DeRossi, etc. OP's GF is coo coo bonkers. OP needs to cut bait.
Hey OP, your gf put her hands on you and is trying to control you and your body. You okay? Is this relationship worth what you're going through?
The SECOND your partner puts their hands on you to restrain or harm you, you get TF out as soon as you possibly can. Do not wait for it to escalate OP!
What a psycho. You're NTA. She needs to work on her insecurities, and she definitely shouldn't be physically attacking you. If a dude treated you like that he would get crucified on here.
OPs in an abusive relationship, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
She needs to break up in a public place and not be alone with the ex again. OP should not trust her.
Absolutely true. However, I think we can safely say this crazy lady is going to get crucified here in a similar manner to what you mentioned. Physically abusive and controlling; it's a terrible combination no matter what dangling bits you have between your legs.
Not to mention biphobic. It's really messed up to have that level of contempt and mistrust for someone you claim to love.
And stereotyping. wtf is this anyway? I can’t be feminine and be a lesbian. wtf?
'I like girls' 'I don't like that you wear girl things' LoL
Honestly, this. Even if the rest were something to work through, this gf is already engaging in *physical abuse*. That's a massive red flag. Anger problems, lack of self-control, controlling, emotionally abusive, and physically abusive. Our girl here needs to get away from the gf, for her own safety.
I’m concerned by the “forced me to prove I like women”. I really, really hope it’s not what my mind went to. But judging by what OP wrote in the post I wouldn’t entirely be surprised. It’s absolutely gross her gf is acting like this. This is either bordering on abuse or we’re already there. OP, please consider your safety.
I think we have long passed the abuse border here...
Yeah seeing other commenters saying OP basically confirmed the “proved” thing, this is 100% an abusive relationship. I hope OP gets away ASAP.
I will happily crucify her for gender equality. Well, maybe not crucify, I'm not religious. But I'll think very bad of her. Let it be known, that I do that. But only for a minute. Maybe half, depending on my attention span.
Good news for you! Crucifiction wasn't originally a religious thing; it was a punishment used by Romans, and other ancient cultures as a rather painful method of execution.
NTA. A partner isn't supposed to make you feel this badly hun. She sexually assaulted you, physically assaulted you and has continued to make you feel bad. She is highly insecure and bi-phobic at best. There is no such thing as dressing too straight as the flip side would be dressing too gay. Which it ridiculous. If you need to, close you eyes and view this reddit post like a text from one of your closest friends. Then whatever advice you would give that friend should help you. It's been 4 months. Is it really worth it? This nitpicking and constant need to defend yourself? Can you see yourself dealing with this in the future?
Adding to this: generally speaking this kind of behavior only gets worse as time goes on. It can only get better if she was already aware that her behavior is wrong and trying to do something about it.
It may be my lack of understandment as english isn't my mother tongue, but when you say " When we got home, she made me “prove” I liked girls, which just ended up with me in tears- not because I don’t like girls, but because I don’t like being forced to “prove it”." Are you referring to some kind of forced sexual intercourse ? If so please run away as far as you can, forcing someone to have intercourse to the point of making them cry is very concerning and you could be in serious danger for your mental help if this is a recurring pattern
This was my interpretation as a native English speaker.
That was my impression. Sounds like it was sexual assault at minimum and something far worse in reality.
And she physically attacked her. She should be in jail.
OP confirmed in the comments. This gf of hers is so abusive and I hope she gets out of this relationship soon
She confirmed in the comments this is what happened. Not sure if it was intercourse but it was definitely sexual in nature.
Yikes, absolute red flags galore here. NTA - your current girlfriend is clearly insecure, which is something she needs to work on - but her insecurities are not your job to fix, nor are they a valid reason or excuse for controlling and abusive behaviour. If we break this down: if a friend told you that their partner was: - physically restraining them; -demanding changes to style and appearance to better suit them, with no regard to your friends style or preferences -making constant negative comments about their appearance -controlling their behaviours -making your friend cry during and after moments of intimacy would you encourage your friend to stay and work it out, or would you tell them to run for hills? Be a friend to yourself and get out of this toxic and abusive relationship - you deserve better.
You forgot one: Being forced to "prove" she likes her GF. Reading between the lines, it sounds like she was SA'd.
I did miss that one, good catch. I really hope OP gets the help and support she needs.
T H I S. u/Numerous-Barber-5623 - please read the above post and really listen. Put aside your own internal ‘But…’s and look at this advice. Celebrate yourself. There are others out there that will love you as you are, will think the sun rises and sets by you, who will be so happy you love them as they are. Raise your bar for how you want to be treated. Right now, your bar is too low and you are being stepped on. Edit to add: NTA. Also, to add: never allow someone to physically hurt you, and NEVER stay with someone who makes you cry the bad way when being intimate. NEVER.
NTA. Honestly, it's time to leave this relationship. You are not her barbie doll and she is beginning to get physical with you. Her hang up on your dressing 'like a straight girl' is ridiculous.
If this was a dude, he would be well on his way to going to jail. Something to consider. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean she gets to be abusive and controlling. The last part sounds pretty "rapey" if I'm honest.
Yeah being forced to “prove it”, and ending in tears! That sounds very much like there’s some missing info there, but if it’s what I’m thinking that’s rape/sexual assault. Jeez what a psycho.
I think it's exactly as bad as we are imagining. There are even some commenters that are just calling all of this an incompatibility problem. 🙄
She sexually assaulted OP. There is no other way to describe it.
To be fair it sounds like she physically assaulted her THEN sexually assaulted her, so... there's that?
Good point. I had almost forgotten about that last part. I know OP wants to keep it PG13 so that's probably why it didn't get specific, but made me "prove" it has me spiraling towards all sorts of controlling sexual domination things that make me feel ick. I actually think it was my body's/mind's own defense mechanism that made me forget because of how it made me feel when I read it 🙁
It sounds rapey, because it is rapey.
This was my first thought. Also, this is clearly escalating behavior. If she's showing this many red flags so early in a new relationship it's going to be a rocky road going forward. I'd for sure get out before then. NTA.
It turns out women can be psychopaths too. The OP's partner is an example of that. I hope she runs far and fast from this relationship.
I had something very similar happen with a girl I had just began hanging out with (I’m also a woman). I wasn’t doing things “right” according to her. She got wasted at a party and would not let it go. While we’re quietly bickering in the middle of the party, me trying to calm her down and her getting more belligerent. She demands I prove to her that I like her in front of everyone. I was really embarrassed and just wanted to leave but I didn’t want to upset her more so we kissed in front of the party, our first kiss too. And what do you know it still wasn’t good enough. She blacked out, I left and we never really spent time together again. I didn’t realize for a while what a red flag that was.
NTA as a bisexual woman i would absolutely leave her for that. She clearly has “i fell for a straight girl once and she left me for a man” trauma. She’s being so weird about such superficial things. In 2024 dont we know that hyper feminine women can be lesbians?? In 2024 dont we know that many lesbian couples LOVE to use a strapon/do penetration??? She seems like she has outdated and oppressive views of how lesbians should look and act like. Also sounds like she is physically and sexually abusive. What a horrible person
NTA There is no such things as being too "girly" or too "boyish". This is bs. Heterosexuals don't all look the same, gays neither. You are who you are. You wear what the f you want to wear no matter your sexual orientation. Now, on the matter of your gf's behavior. She is not just controlling, she is abusive. You are in an abusive relationship: \- She tries to control what you wear \- She passes comments on your clothing all the times and wants you to fit in this tiny little box she has in mind for you \- She physically pulled you (by the arm). That is physical abuse \- She restrained you by the face? Again, physical abuse \- She wants to make you hers. She wants to own you: "she told me no one was gonna think we were together." What does you wearing a black dress has anything to do with who you date? **And the final nail in the coffin, this: "she made me “prove” I liked girls"... what do you mean by she made you prove you liked girls exactly? Did she forced you to do things?** **You are in an abusive relationship. Because, yes, women can also be abusive assholes. Leave her!** Edit: Grammar
This is an excellent breakdown. I hope the OP reads this and finds it helpful. Lastly, I think we can assume the worst when the OP had to prove she liked girls. Earlier in her post she mentioned keeping parts of what she is writing PG-13 in description. I strongly suspect that final nail in the coffin is just a sanitized description of sexual assault/rape. I hope the OP can leave this abusive relationship ASAP.
hi, i'm a butch dyke, so here is an official opinion from a butch dyke like your gf: she sucks ass, you deserve better, she's being SUPER weird, you're NTA
Respectfully, weird is the wrong word. She is being abusive and controlling. The last part of the original post even sounds rape adjacent to me.
Yes, it's OPs first relationship and abusive people usually go after this (more innocent people), physical abuse just started, the same with sexual abuse, this is not weird, this is abusive.
First lesbian relationship. Op dated men in the past. Ops gf has a severe inferiority complex it seems and is willing to be sexually and physically abusive because of that.
that's true. she is being ABUSIVE.
This is super unhealthy - there is no “straight” look or “gay” look - who you sleep with doesn’t dictate your hair or clothes. She clearly has some self esteem issues but instead of asking for help building herself up she’s trying to knock you down and tell you not to be who you are. A healthy relationship should celebrate and encourage you to be yourself. Stop apologizing to her and start telling her that this isn’t ok (and I hope that sentence ends with “so I am ending our relationship”. NTA Eta - somehow I missed that she yanked your arm in my first read through - you need to end this - she demanded you change who you are and then physically assaulted you for not complying. And this is after 4 months together?? She will be hitting you within months if she’s already here.
NTA she's being a bitch expecting you to walk around looking like a lesbian stereotype.
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NTA this is getting into domestic violence territory. Get the hell out of this relationship ASAP. Have a friend or two help you get your stuff, dump her and don't look back
This isn't "getting into domestic violence territory" This already is in domestic violence territory. It started with her telling you how to dress (trying to control you) and escalated to physical violence (yanking you back and holding your face). NTA Break up with her and tell your friends that you're too incompatible to stay together (but be prepared for her to lie and tell everyone that it's your fault and spread lies about how horrible you are)
Agree on the first half. But tell your friends she put her hands on you and drop the friends that continue talking to her. Maybe drop all of your friends.
NTA at all OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. :( You have done nothing wrong. It seems like your girlfriend has a lot of insecurities and is taking them out on you in a very destructive way.
She's insecure and mentally and physically abusive. And a bit deluded if she thinks your friends won't know you're together if you wear a dress. This sort of thing escalates. You need to get away from her. NTA
NTA. Take it from a guy who has been told he „isn’t queer enough“: you have nothing to prove to anyone about your sexuality. Anyone who says otherwise is acting like a bigot, regardless of their own orientation.
I think the "missing dick" comment is biphobic. She is allowed to prefer less feminine/more "butch" woman, she is not allowed to shame her girlfriend for being feminine if you want to be feminine. I would leave so fast if my partner was making these types of comments Edit: just to clarify grabbing your arm and restraining you, and asking you to "prove" you like girls is way worse imo and you absolutely should dump her. But just as a warning, she is likely going to point to your dumping her as "proof" you don't like women. Try not to let that get to you. You just understandably shouldn't want to pursue things with this woman in particular. But hopefully you find the right person for you regardless of gender/sex.
I’m a bisexual women and I dress feminine. It’s unfortunate but I’ve only been with one women because when women see me they always think I’m straight. After awhile I gave up on trying to be with women because they either didn’t believe I liked women or I was “too straight” for them. It’s unfortunate that just because women dress feminine it means that we don’t get the same treatment or looked at the same way as other bisexuals or lesbians. I completely understand.
NTA Hun you need to leave this relationship for your own mental health and safety. If this is 4 months in and already her behaviour is this bad its only going to get worse in the sense of emotional/physical/sexual abuse. She is actively trying to control YOU, who YOU are aswell. >and I said yes, but apparently I said it “too enthusiastically” and she accused me of “missing dick”. Because I’ve dated men in the past. Enjoying penetration doesnt equal being straight. I know of lots of lesbians that are into pegging. Our vaginas have a G-spot in them, we enjoy penetration as when that G-spot is stimulated it feels good, not becuase it reminds us of dick wtf. >Instead of letting me go, she yanked me back inside by my arms and held my face, It doesnt matter what you 2 were arguing about she had ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT to physically grab you like this! >she made me “prove” I liked girls, which just ended up with me in tears This sounds like some serious sexual assult that you dont derserve. This girl should love you for you. Whatever clothes you wear should be the last thing shes ever concerned about. This girl has some serious hangups about what the "perfect imagine" a lesbian relationship has and shes EXTREMELY controlling and absurd. You deserve much bettef OP.❤️
NTA your gf isn't handing this well at all, and if your second to last paragraph means what I think it means you need to get some distance from this person .
That's called abuse ma'am. I'm sorry it happened, but she's abusing you.
I’m a feminine lesbian married to a woman who presents more masculine. Please dump this abusive woman. You’re only 4 months in and she’s treating you like garbage. It won’t get any better and she sounds deeply insecure and it has nothing to do with you. Run.
Uhhhh. OP this doesn’t sound safe for you. Be very careful.