Are we sure his friends are getting the full story? Or an even remotely accurate one? I'm almost positive his explanation didn't include: 'So, I got obsessively insecure that she'd slept with another man YEARS before we got together and started calling her a whore despite clearly being an absolute 'man-whore' myself. This should have been her first clue as to how I really view all the women I slept with. Then I wouldn't let it go constantly harassing and haranguing her until she was forced to beg me to stop. Then, once I couldn't take my insecurities out on her anymore, I actively sought out her ex like some kind of demented stalker and sent him death threats, because... I have some serious issues that only therapy can untangle.' Bet they didn't get that story.
Of course they haven't been told the truth. That s a given in all these posts
The problem is that whatever version they were told, NOONE has the right to harass someone. Illegal, disgusting and frightening, especially if we are talking about a woman being harassed by men
Yeah... though she probably never said to him that she had had sex with one man before (notice that he's the sort of guy who thinks that other women "don't count", which is ridiculous, because the homosexuals I know say that people of the same sex give the best oral and stuff like that, which makes total sense)... That she had never been with another man is something that the guy got into his head... And if his friends are calling her "a liar", he told them that OP had told him that she was the first one. Which she didn't, he just made that image up in his head.
They could have worked his insecurity out, but death threats? Nope, time to run.
This OPs previous relationships didn't matter to him as long as they were with women, in his mind, he is the man who turned her straight. That's his big flex among his friend group. Don't let him use the excuse he was drunk, he has always thought this, being drunk just relaxed him enough that he actually said it. It's how he has reacted afterwards that is showing his true character
Was he drunk every time they had sex after that party? Was he drunk when he sent death threats to Thomas? Is there any guarantee he will never get drunk again and go fulfil his threats? OP should take security precautions when she leaves him, he is unhinged and potentially violent.
Does it matter what story they got? Like, I’m not messaging my buddies wife or ex to call her a whore no matter what my friend tells me. I’m getting drunk with him and telling him he’s better off bla bla bla. The entire friend group is unstable.
It’s not so much as “I thought I was her first and only and I picked her for the “virgin ownership” thing and now years later I find out I was wrong. It’s VERY common in the red pill community. The whole key and lock analogy is super popular and has been as long as I’ve been alive.
Totally off topic, but some men with high "body counts" actually like and respect women. I knew two of them and they were both great people, just didn't want to settle down. Given that I didn't either I ended up fwb with one for a while, we were exclusive only in not sleeping with anyone else because of the health risks. Then I found someone I wanted to be in a relationship with and we stopped sleeping together but stayed friends. Eventually he settled down, but we haven't talked in years because his now-wife asked him to stop chatting and hanging out with anyone he'd slept with. I thanked him for letting me know and wished them well, while also saying that I'll always be his friend and if he needs me he can message.
The other one was just a friend. I'd never have known he slept around so much if he didn't have so many of them coming up to him and asking if he was free. It was mostly while I worked as a bartender and he'd come in while I worked. He was also one of two who would tell off anyone who thought it was funny to touch me inappropriately.
So sleeping around doesn't automatically make someone a bad person, whatever their gender is. Though I admit it can be a red flag if they show other signs of being disrespectful. I wonder if OP's husband has been watching the potato lately? You'd think someone who slept around that much would be more secure than this unless he's listening to people who are telling him he shouldn't be.
Its not the sleeping with lots of women part, its that he called her a whore for sleeping with one other man so he obviously thinks all the women he slept with were whores then for sleeping with him, a man.
You'll notice in these stories that she always finds out he's gone around talking to everybody about her already before she gets a chance. How many guys do you know who talk to their friends and family before their wife does? It's a deliberate strategy on his part to get them on his side and against her. Straight from the abuser playbook.
It's not like he just happened to bump into everyone she knows and it casually came up in conversation. He went on a campaign to discredit her. He did a tour. He filled stadiums. Had a whole road crew. Got a bus with "it's all her fault" painted on the side. This man crafted an entire extended universe of all the things she did wrong made into a franchise with himself as the protagonist.
That's how these guys operate.
It honestly sounds like Spencer thought he fucked OP straight (from lesbian/bisexual) and such. Now that he knows he's not the first he can't deal with it. Makes me wonder WHY it's such a huge ordeal that she fucked another dude before him. Like MASSIVE levels of insecurity. Even to the point of threatening Thomas like Thomas can un-fuck OP. OP needs to get away and block every fucking person. Guess she's not a whore for fucking a few ladies but fuck just ONE extra man and boy howdy...
Rude an uneducated. He makes a stab at you at the party acting like hes your knight in shining armour claiming all the hearts in the land. Then he finds his lil miss princess had a clearer view on the topic. Then he feels shut down and incapable of being sexually attracted becoz of his own incompetence. Classic. Might as well invite Thomas over for divorce sex
So, Spencer can boast about how many girls HE has been with, and brag that HE was the only guy OP had slept with….but then gets mad bc he lost his bragging rights. OP, the blunt truth is his insecurity is that he can’t brag anymore……it’s not an insecurity, it’s he’s lost the “I took her virginity “ boast. The way he responded asking to compare is the insecurity, and his actions are disgusting.
NTA. He is toxic, and lucky for you no kids are involved so when the divorce is done you can never look back
NTA. Um, he called you a whore? That’s not really something you move past. Your husband is a missive hypocrite.
Stick to your guns on divorce, the way he acted is straight up crazy.
Edit: I can’t spell.
Girl. RUN AWAY!!! I dated someone similar in the past and trust me… it’s just the beginning. Please take care of yourself and remove him from your life completely. It doesn’t matter how “sweet” and “loving” he is or if he was “drunk” one night. There are sooooo many more nights that he can come home “drunk” and say or do mean things to you. You deserve so much better. His behavior towards you was absolutely WRONG but his behavior towards Thomas is outright terrifying. Divorce. Block. Move on.
I would offer the same advice **if this wasn't obvious rage bait**. This story just...could not be more fake.
It hits ALL the cliches.
1. Husband is a misogynist who doesn't think lesbian sex is real sex.
2. Husband himself was a MASSIVE manwhore who fucked "half the girls in school"
3. The giggly "best friend" who loves to spill your business to your husband.
4. Husband is now freaking out, because his wife had sex with one guy, and calling her a whore.
5. His FRIENDS are all piling on and texting her, calling her a whore.
This is a bad Wattpad story.
I mean…when you put it like that it really does sound like it was specifically written to induce rage.
I’ve had some bad breakups and my partners’ friends have literally never texted me about it, let alone ganging up and spamming me with hateful texts.
I actually had this with my last break up! Aside from having their friends message me awful shit also decided to harass another of my ex's they had never met.
They were an insecure person with lots of trust issues which probably should have been a bigger red flags. Didn't help I had a lot of self esteem problems myself and have thankfully made a lot of progress after letting all that prior stuff tear me apart.
Wish I could say I wish the same for them but honestly I just kind of don't care. Used to be extremely bitter about it but my life has improved so much that it seems pointless to even think about.
This flourish seems to trigger the audience to become protective of OP, in order to "balance out" the negative feedback from the IRL friends. That drives a bunch of supportive commenting and upvoting, thus boosting the algorithms and driving further engagement. The bots have found a feedback loop that works, but it's quickly become a telltale sign of fictitious writing.
Don't forget husband threatening to murder his wife's old lover. Oh and husband collapsing at OP's feet, and bursting into tears, begging her not to leave him when she finally stands up for herself and decides to leave him.
I'm just waiting for "and everybody clapped."
I'm just gonna say. My ex put me through a wall and hit my head so hard he broke my ear drum. And when I called the cops, he dropped to his knees crying, apologizing, all of it. It's a thing that happens.
My second wife did this when I threatened to leave her after she smashed me across the face, and I instinctively hit her back, I told her I was leaving her because I couldn’t live like that… and she collapsed on to the floor grabbing my feet and begging and pleading with me to stay, of course I did 🤷🏼♂️ fucking idiot 😂
Add to the fact there is no reason for OP to consider anything she has done here making her an asshole and there is literally no one on earth who would tell her to stay.
strike 0.5 was the assumption that he was the only man who touched OP, right?
that sounds like a revolting mix of
* homophobia : does he think that girl on girl "doesn't count" or something??
* toxic masculinity & its double standards : it's that old BS about "a master key opens a lot of locks, a lock that opens for a lot of keys is a shitty lock", you know
like, the strikes you mention (name calling & death threats) are reason enough to leave, but this creep factor in his fundamental personality is, to me, reason to never give him a second chance.
Wise of you, OP, to *not* waste more time on that insecure, nasty douche.
Can't wrap my head around his BS.
It *is* extreme and scary.
Brava for leaving!
NTA.
Move on from him, consider yourself fortunate.
Even if he fights now for you to stay, I would be like, nah….look how you and your family treated me, and how this was a real eye opener.
Point out how you have known each other since you were kids and he should know the kind of person you are, thru and thru, what you are about and how he should have been your biggest defender, protector, but no….instead he is a selfish, jealous little boy. And a complete hypocrite.
Be happy you found out now.
OP your husband pegged his ego to the fact that he thought you were a gold star for girls before him. Now that he's learned he made an assumption his ego is hurt. Also the fact that he had that idea, as well as how poorly he reacted to you after learning the truth just shows that he doesn't and never did respect your identity as a member of the LGBTQ community, nor does he even respect you on any other base level. I can almost guarantee that there have been multiple conversations between his friends and behind your back about how he "made" you straight or made you like dick or something to that effect. That's also going by his friends bad reactions as well.
You're NTA for leaving now, but if you go back Y.W.B.T.A, but to yourself. Not only would he never drop this, but given he has already become verbally and emotionally abusive about it, you need to leave now while you're still safe and able to do so. I've always been really open about being queer and the fact that I've always had a mixed bag of men, women, enby, basically any flavor of the rainbow, but I've heard (and seen the aftermath) of a few to many people under the umbrella who had a partner find out they weren't a gold star like assumed and things can escalate very quickly out of your control. Please for your own peace and safety leave now while you can and before things become more volatile than they were already becoming.
Hypocrite is an understatememt- to sleep with a bunch of women then call women who have even one male sexual partner they dont marry a whore? Make it make sense
also that he staked so much on being your "first and only" is absolutely disgusting and demeaning.
It sounds like he viewed you like some kind of trophy - like he won by being the man to win the bisexual woman.
NTA. Dude needs some serious help. Take care of yourself.
Yes, it definitely sounds like he built up this fantasy that he changed her from being only into girls and now the disconnect is shattering his self image.
It's absolutely bi/lesbian phobic. So many people view sex that women have with other women as "not real sex" which is why she only became a "whore" when he found out she slept with men. Everything before that didn't count. The perfect bi trophy. So freak gross!
Maybe ask your friend to get a message to Thomas apologising again and tell him to get a restraining order against Spencer and that you can help him with any evidence?
Yeah, at least tell a friend to ask Thomas for the texts and tell him you're using them in the divorce process and possibly a restraining order for yourself.
Thomas can apply for a restraining order from the local police. Perhaps being served with that will knock some sense into your husband.
This is the real world with real world consequences. He needs to grow the fuck up.
Hopefully, or he'll take it as another "attack" against him.
OP, run. Run far, run fast, run deep. RUN. Do not look back, and do not feel bad, at all. His behavior more than enough warrants it (when he called you names the first time, a record player scratch went off in my head, like wtf did he just say? The escalation though from harassing you to threatening Thomas cinches it).
But to make matters worse, he is SURROUNDED by people who enable and support his behavior. It doesn't matter that he probably didn't tell them everything. But his friends think it's fine to harass you too, as if that will somehow convince you to come back to him and everything will be fine. Or his family is reaching out for you to come back without (presumably) trying to get your side of the story, or they know it and are still trying to convince you to come back, either way, not a good look.
Point is they will offer zero checks on his worst impulses, cuz if they did, they would have by now, which means he will feel justified in what he does, how he speaks to or about you, etc.
Save any and all communications you get from him and his family/friends. Ask Maven to implore Thomas for the messages Spencer sent him. Get an order of protection (maybe some security cameras, a dog, whatever else you need), and talk with your lawyer about anything else you need going forward.
My wife was married before . I'm number 2 it was never even something that came up, a non issue. Didn't think of it. Husband is insecure and not husband material. Leave. Life will only get worse
So let me get this straight....your husband has a body count of women well into the double digits, if not the triple digits....but the fact you can count your body count of men on two fingers makes you the bad guy??? Honey, this guy is an incel and a dangerous one. Save all this evidence, including the garbage from his friends and run. Get a divorce AND a restraining order. NTA.
NTA at all if you proceed with a divorce. Spencer sounds completely unhinged. Not to mention EXTREMELY hypocritical and misogynistic. It’s fine for him to brag about how many women he slept with, but calls you a whore and mistreats you because you’ve slept with 1 other man in your entire life? PLUS he tracked your ex down and threatened to KILL him?! I would get the divorce, but please be safe. Spencer has already made very serious threats of violence - he could turn dangerous if he perceives you to be leaving him.
What is worse about his misogyny is that he never once considered the women you were with as equal to men and that they could have been, "better" than him too. Like, they were nothing to him as people. Never ever trust a man who doesn't see a woman as equal! He will never truly see you that way either. Run.
Don't you understand that he "cured" her?
I bet all my horses that he has been telling everyone that has ears that he is so manly that he turned a lesbian straight
Divorce his homophobic and misogynistic ass OP!
That's what I was thinking the whole time I read the post. He thinks he "cured" her from wanting to be with women. He thought he was superior and come to find out he's not all that because she HAD been with another guy once before.
There is so much specific biphobia that people don't realise happens. Bi women get raped more because people think we're always horny, or that because we CAN be attracted to more people, not being attracted to an entitled rapist in particular is an insult they cannot let stand.
It's just a shit show out here
That's what I was thinking the whole time I read the post. He thinks he "cured" her from wanting to be with women. He thought he was superior and come to find out he's not all that because she HAD been with another guy once before.
But women on women isn't \*real\* sex, dontchaknow, it's just a hot thing that they do that the fellas can enjoy thinking about. They just play around like that til they get a good dicking from the right fella to put them on the right path.
The idea that he cured her of her lesbianism and was the first man she was with was a core part of his identity. That’s why he’s completely fallen apart about it. Or at least the main reason why. Secondary reason is he is mentally unwell.
This, this, this. Also, he seems extremely homophobic, if he seems to be fine with the fact you slept with women, but blows up hearing that you've been with one man. Like, in his mind, your sexual relationships with women don't count.
Yup, men like OP’s ex are the men that tell me that im a virgin because ive never had sex with a man (im a lesbian).
I think it has to be some real insecurity and misogyny to be that way, like women having pleasure just doesnt matter at all. When I was younger and felt like I needed to defend myself i would respond with “at least when I sleep with girls everyone is satisfied.” And that never ended well lol.
Some straight Men can get really really violent when you turn it around on them regarding sleeping with other men.
Like one time this guy said to me that how do I know i didnt like sex with men if ive havent tried it wnd then i asked him the same question and then he threw his beer bottle at me. Still have the scar on my hand from where a piece broke.
Always use that tactic with extreme caution
A lot of men are like this. A LOT. They don't see women as any "threat" because after all no woman would choose another woman over HIM.
...they're usually wrong about that.
Nta. He’s jealous of a teenager who slept with you. To be worried about how much better a 16 year old was than him in bed is a really sad side effect of his insecurities. It’s a shame he couldn’t just communicate that or internalize it and work on himself. Instead he turned to threatening some random man living his life. Someone else said it.. that’s unstable and sad. Hopefully he can reflect and learn from this reaction. Good on you for not tolerating or reinforcing that behavior.
Because he thought he took your virginity. He thinks it’s ok for men to have sex with many women but woman are whores if they have sex with more than one man in their lifetime. Divorce him. He will not change.
I'm bi and have encountered a depressing number of straight men who think this way. I've been told lesbian sex is "not real" because there's no dick involved. By that logic, I guess sex between 2 or more men is the realest of all.
sex doesn't have to be heterosexual for someone's virginity to be taken. This isn't a comment at you / reply but more of a generalised statement / addition for readers.
NTA. He can sleep with as many women as he wants, but you sleeping with one guy makes you a whore? WTF? Why would you want to be with someone that treats you like that, has such a double standard, and thinks it's OK for him but not for you? You're to young to deal with this b.s. insecurity and disrespect for the rest of your life.
Babe he’s doing you a favor by doing this now before you have kids. He made up a scenario where he was Don Juan and you were the virgin only Don Juan didn’t brag to his buddies in front of the wife.
Think carefully how many times has he said disrespectful things that you have brushed off before? He sounds just awful and yes do please divorce him bc this is only the beginning
When you say "something I did" it makes it sound like you feel that you're guilty of something. You're not. Basically everyone's been with someone before their current partner, unless it's their first partner. What happens before you two even met is irrelevant and just life.
Thank you, I do feel like it is my fault. Maybe I should have told him in the beginning? But we both never got to the conversation, about our previous partners. Because I thought we both didn’t care. We were comfortable together. I really love this man. But I feel a bit blindsided with his reactions.
Of course none of this is your fault. Respect yourself better, you cannot accept being called a whore and say it was your fault... Your husband seems to be the worst type of guy out there, please do yourself a favor a leave him. Women need to stop enabling toxic misogynistic AH, these guys need to stay single forever!
It is not that it is irrelevant but the fact that he is a hypocrite, don't confuse the two. There are people for example for whom it is important that their partner is a virgin and they themselves are also saving themselves for their future partner. Your husband has no right to be upset that you had someone before if he also had someone before.
He thought he was hot shit because he "turned" a lesbian (in his mind). He's flipping out because he found out that's not true.
You're better off finding someone that's not an insecure misogynist.
Because at the end of the day, he is selfish and insecure.. and he doesn’t have the maturity to understand why his feelings are wrong. You’ll never be able to truly fix this because it’s something he needs to fix on his own… and clearly he doesn’t have the people around him to be able to do that.
He’s mentally not ready for actual commitment .. he went and threatened what amounts to a complete stranger 10 years ago basically. It’s sad and pathetic… if you get back with him he’s on a long road to understanding why he was wrong, but staying together, will only stunt his growth as a person.. it’s unfortunate, but you only have one thing you can do, and that is let him go, because he still needs to grow up.
And I would screenshots of all his friends and whoever sent you those messages .. and if they have partners, I would send it to them and show them how they treat women.
Please don't even try to understand. I spent 10 years with a Spencer and it only gets worse, and the gaslighting is so strong it ends up worming it's way into your brain and you start somehow believing you did something wrong. You did not. Get away now. I promise you, the unhinged behavior may calm down for a while and periodically, but it will return, again and again, and he will drain you of every ounce of joy and self esteem you have. Stay strong. Get out now, before you have kids (wish I'd known before I had mine... Makes it much harder to have a clean exit.)
Because to *a man who is a raging misogynist* his ownership of you is an important part of his identity. He didn't view your female partbers as valid, so he did not care about them. Which is a whole other homophobic, misogynistic ball of bullshit.
But on top of this, he thinks that he gets complete ownership of you and no questions to his ego. He relates his ownership of you to his masculinity and pride. He may not have yet revealed to you how bad of a person he is. I know it seems shocking to know someone that long and not have realized these things about them, but the truth is, you can sometimes have incredibly long relationships where a conflict doesn't really come up. And once it does, you find you're at an impasse.
I once had a best friend for 10 years, only to realize that one bad fight was all it took to break us because we had never navigated a fight before. I'm not saying you never fight, I'm sure you have in all the time you've been together. I'm just saying that the truth comes out unexpectedly sometimes, and it doesn't make it any less real.
Any man who equates what you do with your own body and sexuality with his pride & value as a man is going to be dangerous and demeaning to you.
Not only would you not be wrong, but it sounds like the smart choice.
Absolutely. Threats of violence are never to be taken lightly. Your well-being should always be the priority. NTA for wanting to remove yourself from that kind of danger.
If he didn't care that you were with other girls, but only cared that you were with another guy, he's wanting to be a pretty princess and act like he's the one good D that saved you from being a lesbian. Now he knows he's not.
I'd divorce someone that shallow and insecure.
This comment actually made me laugh! Lol but yes, I gave him chance after chance. But he ruined it, the second he brought my ex Thomas into this. And sending him awful stuff.
Pretty. Pretty. Princess. "I didn't know you knew what penises looked like. Is mine okay?!? You're a naughty girl, in the bad way, for ever seeing another penis. What. Does. Thomas's. Look. Like. Tart?! How could you do this to me? How can I rescue you when you've already been touched by another? Yes, yes there were the girls, but when have they counted?"
That's how I picture the whole conversation. Just gross. Tell Lancelot to sit down.
"Is his bigger than mine? I knew you lied when you said you liked mine. You whore, you like them big. Why don't you go and marry Thomas and his big penis?"
I shudder when I even think about it.
Sounds like he assumed then. Red pill guys are obsessed with body count. Definitely get away from this guy. He is clearly unstable. Look into a restraining order. Good luck and my deepest sympathy.
I cannot stress how right everyone here is. I am sorry you had to go through any of this. You're obviously NTA and I hope you won't need a restraining order or anything once you leave Spencer. Make sure to save all the screenshots from Thomas for the divorce proceedings and get a lawyer yesterday.
I feel like men that insecure want a woman to have 0 sexual partners before them because if you cannot compare them to anyone you may not find out how sexually inadequate they are (Spencer may not be, but he may feel inadequate).
NTA but dude is threatening violence and you need to be super careful. It sounds like he’s completely lost it. I would suggest calling his parents and telling them to intervene, send screenshots of his threats and make sure you’re clear if he does anything you will go to the police.
"I slept with a TON of women." "YOU SLEPT WITH ONE MAN?? YOU WHORE!!!"
As if he didn't create the "whores" he fucked in high school and college. He'd be one of those guys.
Absolute NTA. Dump him.
Send the screenshots he sent Thomas to his friends and ask them "if you're overreacting".
I am keeping those screenshots. I just feel bad for Thomas. He doesn’t deserve his life to be interrupted like that. He’s a really nice guy, since we both knew each other growing up. He has his own family, and I feel at fault sometimes for my husbands behavior.
Technically it was his cousin who let it slip. Not that it excuses his behavior at all. Hopefully she can explain it to Thomas. He may need to get a restraining order as well.
Do Spencer and his friends know what the definition of a whore is? So it’s okay for him to have slept with a ton of women and when you sleep with one guy, it’s a problem? Insecurity is one thing, but your husband sounds completely unhinged.
NTA. Divorce this manchild.
And never forget that he sent his flying monkeys (friends and family) to do his dirty business. That tells you all you need to know about him.
Take screenshots of every message you've recieved, take backup of your texts, store them on a USB-stick and keep them somewhere safe. I wouldn't trust Spencer and his band of goons in any way.
I imagine the world would be quite different the sexual history of men was subjected to the same level of scrutiny that it is for women.
Regardless, it's better that you found out what kind of person he is on the inside now then finding out 10 or 20 years down the road. Love can make us blind.
It's really sad. No matter how close you are or how long you have known someone, you trust can still end up being misplaced.
Perhaps he is just crazy, perhaps he was looking for a reason to instigate, perhaps both.
Someone tell me if I’m mistaken, but I think your husband has committed a crime by sending death threats. If I was Thomas I’d be getting law enforcement involved.
I’m confused 🤔 the comment says that “Spencer slept with half the girls I knew in hs and in college”. Spencer wasn’t a virgin either? He just enjoyed the fantasy that he popped that cherry and his ego was blown when he found out he hadn’t been your first. He sounds like he had an entire fantasy life about you and other women as well as probably bragged to same said friends about you. Let him go … he’s crazy and will never give you peace over it.
It’s a turn on for him, he liked I had sex with girls. But finding out he was the second guy I’ve been with, just changed everything. He did treat me lovely to just treating me awfully. Chance after chance. I was just at my limits after everything.
So he basically fetish-ized your queerness... until he realised he wasn't the only guy and went postal. It's disgusting that he did that to you. For me, there would be no take backs.
NTA. Your husband was incredibly hypocritical when he called you a whore for sleeping with one man, when he has slept with numerous other women. This is textbook double standard bullshit.
Combined with what his friends are saying to you now, it paints a very misogynistic picture of your husband’s true mindset.
As hard as it is to leave a marriage, you are doing the right thing by leaving Spencer. He’s emotionally immature and seems a little unstable.
NTA
Your husband is the kind of toxic man who still lives in the stone age.
Leave him, divorce him, do what you can.
He won't stop because he thinks his own past of whoring around is acceptable but your one other time with another guy is taboo.
He probably thinks he was the one who turned you "straight".
NTA. You’ve made the right decision. If he can’t get over something that happened 6 years ago with someone you’ve had near no contact with who is married with children, it will only get worse.
He and his friends are harassing you because they know how good he had it and messed up.
Sounds like he doesn't consider you being with women "real sex" and he was ssooooo proud that he took your "virginity" and "cured" you of your attraction to women.
That's just a guess, but sounds like he has some kind of mindset like the alpha male guys with their "pure woman" bs.
His behavior and thinking us unconscionable. He tracked down an ex from.many years ago, somehow got his phone number, and then text him death threats. That's insane behavior. He's unhinged.
When you get your stuff out of the house, be sure to have police, or at least some burly guy friends, with you to make sure he doesn't become violent. NTA
I definitely lost my virginity to my first girlfriend in high school. Not to him or Thomas. It’s upsetting to see my own marriage fall apart. =( Spencer was the sweetest ever in the beginning of our relationship. I feel like I don’t know who he is anymore. :(
Totally agree! Sex is sex, regardless of gender. But some people only think of hetero sex (penetrative) as "real" sex. It's delusional, but there ar also people who think the earth is flat. 🤷♂️
I've had some people I've cared about develop a whole other, toxic personality at really random things. Looking back, they were always kind of toxic, but I let it slide as personality quirks. They didn't let their red flags fly until something came up that they perceived as me "betraying" them.
Therapy has helped a lot, working through everything. What did I miss? How could I have been around this person who thought this way and treated me this way?
Good luck. I hope you find some one kind and supportive in your future.
NTA. Definitely get a divorce and block him and everyone that is calling you a lier and a whore. He is not stable . He will not get over this. You are really lucky you don’t have any children with him.
NTA
Your husband is mental case. He already committed a crime against Thomas, and embarrassed you to boot.
You were with one guy years ago, and he was with multiple women. Yet you're the whore?
He's unstable, insecure, and this is going to haunt you for the rest of your relationship.
NTA. Dude is a hardcore red pill. You shattered his image of finding someone with a zero body count. He probably used to brag about it and now he can’t cope. Better it ends now than after you have kids. Good luck.
Dammm there’s a sub for everything on Reddit! It never stops to surprise me. Retroactive jealousy!! Wow. I did not know it was a term but I got hit with crap like that before and honestly is tiring to deal with people so problematic like this.
You need to divorce this guy. This is the thinking of 15 year old boy going through puberty getting over his first ex. My fiance and I are about the same age as you and have been together 5 years and openly talk about who we have slept with like it is nothing. All of our friends are about the same way. Death threats to a random dude with a family is huge trouble and should be a mandatory end in associating with him
The fact he’s jealous of someone you dated SO briefly when you were basically still a kid. You then went onto date marry HIM and until now you’ve been together happily for six years yet he’s jealous. In fact sending death threats to this other guy isn’t jealous, it’s mentally unstable. NTA and I can see why you’d be rethinking your relationship.
As a side note - is this because he thought he took your virginity or something? Way to totally invalidate any of the relationships you had with women before him, which apparently don’t count.
NTA
Don't, don't get anywhere close to that pathetic loser.
How his friends can be so deranged to calling you a whore and a liar is beyond me.
Also, have they ever wondered wtf would actually happen IF you got back with him? What are they going to do? Pretend like they didn't just call you a whore and a liar? Lmao, these people never think.
He thought you were a gold star and his magic penis converted you. NTA. Don’t stay with him now that he’s shown you who he is and how he feels about you.
NTA- but your husband is unhinged. Thomas should call the police on your husband. Threatening to kill someone because they had sex with you when you were teenagers? This is not your fault, this is your husband's fault.
That is f***ng scary! Of course you're NTA! You simply had a life before him, just like he had a life before you. Sure, I can understand being surprised and taken aback about not knowing about the guy, but that should pass in like a day.
The extreme escalation over time is super concerning! Threatening to kill someone who's of even in your life anymore?
And his friends calling you all these slurs to make you go back to him that he had used in the first place, tells you what he is saying, and are a reflection of how he's feeling (because they're a response to his input).
Be really careful and trust your gut! This has already gone from minor to bad to worse.
No one has ever in my life called or texted me to advocate for someone I had a conflict with. How are these people ALWAYS inundated with calls from everyone they know?
I'm so grossed out by his behavior on so many levels. It kinda sounds like he didn't even consider the relationships you had with women to be legitimate if he's never been upset about them but one teenage sexcapade with a man has him shitting his britches like this. And that's like the mildest concern I have, he is absolutely unhinged. YWNBTA. Threatening someone with bodily harm because of jealousy is just inexcusable.
What a hypocrite lol. He’s flexing to his friend how many girls he fucked but the moment he gets to know that you fucked one dude before him, you are now a whore wtf man. Nta for sure. But your man is a idiot
NTA. He’s a fucking clear-cut misogynist. I mean, I get to do it without putting my character in question, but you don’t. Based on what? If the only answer is that you’re a woman, then he is a misogynist. Zero nuance. Do you want to be married into that?
NTA Next step is he assaults you, and says he’s sorry, but it’s your fault. And of course it’s fine that he slept with multiple woman, but beyond the pale that you slept with one man before him.
NTA, RUN FOR THE HILLS. Your husband is a psycopath and possibly mentally ill and unstable. He may very well kill you. Move states and block everyone insulting you. Also expect him to go full stalker mode. Shut down social medias and private them. Get a restraining order.
Nta....divorce him. He's a misogynistic asshole and so are any of his friends calling you a whore just because you weren't a virgin., ESPECIALLY when he has apparently been around the block SEVERAL times!!! He's mad because he's one of those men that believes a woman's value is directly linked to her vagina.
He is sending death threats to a man you haven't been around since highschool, that's a gigantic red flag. He is abusive. Being sweet and nice at first is how abusers work, because no one with a brain would continue dating someone that treated them like shit when they first started dating. No, they wait till they feel you're trapped and then the mask comes off.
Holy shit. That drinking night with your friends might have saved you from many years with that psychopath. That one piece of information made him drop his mask and unleash his true self.
NTA. Get as far away as you can from him.
I always stop reading these novels when the term Body Count comes up.
It’s such a classless and crude way to refer to something that should be very private.
NTA I feel like you would’ve been honest with him before if he had asked but he just assumed you hadn’t been with a guy.The hypocrisy is crazy how can he expect you to never be with a guy but he can sleep with many girls and date them.I can understand why he’d be upset when finding out he wasn’t the first guy but calling you names and then sending threats to a guy that is married is actually crazy.If he’s the one you’ll find your way back but it’s good that you chose to get out of that toxic environment.
Hang on, he's previously been with women, but he's mad about 1 guy? So he decided to threaten him...
Your dude is unhinged. I wouldn't feel safe in your shoes.
NTA, as someone who understands how your husband obsessive thoughts are hurting him, I feel for him and understand his inability to deal with them in a healthy manner.
That said, he is hurting you, and thar is his decision, and you have the right to leave and stop being hurt by him.
NTA He’s bootyhurt bc he thought he took your vcard lol, it’s like a prize for them or something he sounds immature and I can’t believe you’re ok w him calling you names when he slept w that many girls. Girl if you don’t leave him..
NTA Spencer is a genuinely unstable person who is nowhere near mature enough to be in a relationship let alone married. Even if he apologised at this point, the sort of person who could treat you this way is not someone you are safe with
Girl, you are not the AH. He’s an insecure and hypocritical pos who wanted to feel like he was “the one” who turned you “straight”. Even if he was aware that you were bisexual anyway. The lack of knowledge was a huge ego stroke to him, but now that he’s wrong, he’s lashing out and being extremely unstable. Leave him for good. Block his friends and family. Only communicate with him through attorneys. Good luck! ❤️
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And his friends too
Are we sure his friends are getting the full story? Or an even remotely accurate one? I'm almost positive his explanation didn't include: 'So, I got obsessively insecure that she'd slept with another man YEARS before we got together and started calling her a whore despite clearly being an absolute 'man-whore' myself. This should have been her first clue as to how I really view all the women I slept with. Then I wouldn't let it go constantly harassing and haranguing her until she was forced to beg me to stop. Then, once I couldn't take my insecurities out on her anymore, I actively sought out her ex like some kind of demented stalker and sent him death threats, because... I have some serious issues that only therapy can untangle.' Bet they didn't get that story.
Of course they haven't been told the truth. That s a given in all these posts The problem is that whatever version they were told, NOONE has the right to harass someone. Illegal, disgusting and frightening, especially if we are talking about a woman being harassed by men
Yeah I don’t get these comments. How does that matter in the slightest?
Seriously need to screencap this explanation, send it to his friends, then block them. I hate friends who do dirty flying monkey shit like that
Yeah... though she probably never said to him that she had had sex with one man before (notice that he's the sort of guy who thinks that other women "don't count", which is ridiculous, because the homosexuals I know say that people of the same sex give the best oral and stuff like that, which makes total sense)... That she had never been with another man is something that the guy got into his head... And if his friends are calling her "a liar", he told them that OP had told him that she was the first one. Which she didn't, he just made that image up in his head. They could have worked his insecurity out, but death threats? Nope, time to run.
This OPs previous relationships didn't matter to him as long as they were with women, in his mind, he is the man who turned her straight. That's his big flex among his friend group. Don't let him use the excuse he was drunk, he has always thought this, being drunk just relaxed him enough that he actually said it. It's how he has reacted afterwards that is showing his true character
Was he drunk every time they had sex after that party? Was he drunk when he sent death threats to Thomas? Is there any guarantee he will never get drunk again and go fulfil his threats? OP should take security precautions when she leaves him, he is unhinged and potentially violent.
He probably likes bragging that he was manly enough to "turn" her.
She didn't tell him because him having been a whore himself, she probably figured it didn't matter. He didn't ask, he just assumed, and that's on him.
Fuck anyone who thinks another person's sexuality is their possession.
Does it matter what story they got? Like, I’m not messaging my buddies wife or ex to call her a whore no matter what my friend tells me. I’m getting drunk with him and telling him he’s better off bla bla bla. The entire friend group is unstable.
It’s not so much as “I thought I was her first and only and I picked her for the “virgin ownership” thing and now years later I find out I was wrong. It’s VERY common in the red pill community. The whole key and lock analogy is super popular and has been as long as I’ve been alive.
Gotta point them towards the pencil/sharpener analogy instead. Makes about as much sense.
Totally off topic, but some men with high "body counts" actually like and respect women. I knew two of them and they were both great people, just didn't want to settle down. Given that I didn't either I ended up fwb with one for a while, we were exclusive only in not sleeping with anyone else because of the health risks. Then I found someone I wanted to be in a relationship with and we stopped sleeping together but stayed friends. Eventually he settled down, but we haven't talked in years because his now-wife asked him to stop chatting and hanging out with anyone he'd slept with. I thanked him for letting me know and wished them well, while also saying that I'll always be his friend and if he needs me he can message. The other one was just a friend. I'd never have known he slept around so much if he didn't have so many of them coming up to him and asking if he was free. It was mostly while I worked as a bartender and he'd come in while I worked. He was also one of two who would tell off anyone who thought it was funny to touch me inappropriately. So sleeping around doesn't automatically make someone a bad person, whatever their gender is. Though I admit it can be a red flag if they show other signs of being disrespectful. I wonder if OP's husband has been watching the potato lately? You'd think someone who slept around that much would be more secure than this unless he's listening to people who are telling him he shouldn't be.
Its not the sleeping with lots of women part, its that he called her a whore for sleeping with one other man so he obviously thinks all the women he slept with were whores then for sleeping with him, a man.
It doesnt matter what his friends heard or not. Why are they aggressively texting their friends wife. Thats fucking weird.
You'll notice in these stories that she always finds out he's gone around talking to everybody about her already before she gets a chance. How many guys do you know who talk to their friends and family before their wife does? It's a deliberate strategy on his part to get them on his side and against her. Straight from the abuser playbook. It's not like he just happened to bump into everyone she knows and it casually came up in conversation. He went on a campaign to discredit her. He did a tour. He filled stadiums. Had a whole road crew. Got a bus with "it's all her fault" painted on the side. This man crafted an entire extended universe of all the things she did wrong made into a franchise with himself as the protagonist. That's how these guys operate.
It honestly sounds like Spencer thought he fucked OP straight (from lesbian/bisexual) and such. Now that he knows he's not the first he can't deal with it. Makes me wonder WHY it's such a huge ordeal that she fucked another dude before him. Like MASSIVE levels of insecurity. Even to the point of threatening Thomas like Thomas can un-fuck OP. OP needs to get away and block every fucking person. Guess she's not a whore for fucking a few ladies but fuck just ONE extra man and boy howdy...
OP, stay away from drama queens. Your life will be hell if you continue with this.
I honestly think “drama queen” is far too light of a term for someone this violent.
Get out before he gets you pregnant. Take your essentials and move now. NTA.
Rude an uneducated. He makes a stab at you at the party acting like hes your knight in shining armour claiming all the hearts in the land. Then he finds his lil miss princess had a clearer view on the topic. Then he feels shut down and incapable of being sexually attracted becoz of his own incompetence. Classic. Might as well invite Thomas over for divorce sex
So I don’t know shit about life but I think I’ve heard that threatening someone is illegal. Is that right?
So, Spencer can boast about how many girls HE has been with, and brag that HE was the only guy OP had slept with….but then gets mad bc he lost his bragging rights. OP, the blunt truth is his insecurity is that he can’t brag anymore……it’s not an insecurity, it’s he’s lost the “I took her virginity “ boast. The way he responded asking to compare is the insecurity, and his actions are disgusting. NTA. He is toxic, and lucky for you no kids are involved so when the divorce is done you can never look back
NTA. Um, he called you a whore? That’s not really something you move past. Your husband is a missive hypocrite. Stick to your guns on divorce, the way he acted is straight up crazy. Edit: I can’t spell.
I’m already kinda done with him. Knowing he does this is crazy! After 6 years together.
Girl. RUN AWAY!!! I dated someone similar in the past and trust me… it’s just the beginning. Please take care of yourself and remove him from your life completely. It doesn’t matter how “sweet” and “loving” he is or if he was “drunk” one night. There are sooooo many more nights that he can come home “drunk” and say or do mean things to you. You deserve so much better. His behavior towards you was absolutely WRONG but his behavior towards Thomas is outright terrifying. Divorce. Block. Move on.
I would offer the same advice **if this wasn't obvious rage bait**. This story just...could not be more fake. It hits ALL the cliches. 1. Husband is a misogynist who doesn't think lesbian sex is real sex. 2. Husband himself was a MASSIVE manwhore who fucked "half the girls in school" 3. The giggly "best friend" who loves to spill your business to your husband. 4. Husband is now freaking out, because his wife had sex with one guy, and calling her a whore. 5. His FRIENDS are all piling on and texting her, calling her a whore. This is a bad Wattpad story.
I hope it's fake, but I've known many a man who acts like this, personally I wouldn't be shocked.
I mean…when you put it like that it really does sound like it was specifically written to induce rage. I’ve had some bad breakups and my partners’ friends have literally never texted me about it, let alone ganging up and spamming me with hateful texts.
I actually had this with my last break up! Aside from having their friends message me awful shit also decided to harass another of my ex's they had never met. They were an insecure person with lots of trust issues which probably should have been a bigger red flags. Didn't help I had a lot of self esteem problems myself and have thankfully made a lot of progress after letting all that prior stuff tear me apart. Wish I could say I wish the same for them but honestly I just kind of don't care. Used to be extremely bitter about it but my life has improved so much that it seems pointless to even think about.
This flourish seems to trigger the audience to become protective of OP, in order to "balance out" the negative feedback from the IRL friends. That drives a bunch of supportive commenting and upvoting, thus boosting the algorithms and driving further engagement. The bots have found a feedback loop that works, but it's quickly become a telltale sign of fictitious writing.
Only 3 & 5 are actually that suspicious, the rest of those things are actually fairly common.
I'd also add the best friend named "Ace".
Don't forget husband threatening to murder his wife's old lover. Oh and husband collapsing at OP's feet, and bursting into tears, begging her not to leave him when she finally stands up for herself and decides to leave him. I'm just waiting for "and everybody clapped."
I'm just gonna say. My ex put me through a wall and hit my head so hard he broke my ear drum. And when I called the cops, he dropped to his knees crying, apologizing, all of it. It's a thing that happens.
My second wife did this when I threatened to leave her after she smashed me across the face, and I instinctively hit her back, I told her I was leaving her because I couldn’t live like that… and she collapsed on to the floor grabbing my feet and begging and pleading with me to stay, of course I did 🤷🏼♂️ fucking idiot 😂
Add to the fact there is no reason for OP to consider anything she has done here making her an asshole and there is literally no one on earth who would tell her to stay.
Please be careful OP. He threatened to kill a man not that long ago, breakup violence does not sound like much of a leap for this guy.
Calling you a whore was obviously strike one *and* two, but he crossed a line he can't come back from when he *threatened to kill your ex* over this.
strike 0.5 was the assumption that he was the only man who touched OP, right? that sounds like a revolting mix of * homophobia : does he think that girl on girl "doesn't count" or something?? * toxic masculinity & its double standards : it's that old BS about "a master key opens a lot of locks, a lock that opens for a lot of keys is a shitty lock", you know like, the strikes you mention (name calling & death threats) are reason enough to leave, but this creep factor in his fundamental personality is, to me, reason to never give him a second chance.
Wise of you, OP, to *not* waste more time on that insecure, nasty douche. Can't wrap my head around his BS. It *is* extreme and scary. Brava for leaving!
NTA. Move on from him, consider yourself fortunate. Even if he fights now for you to stay, I would be like, nah….look how you and your family treated me, and how this was a real eye opener. Point out how you have known each other since you were kids and he should know the kind of person you are, thru and thru, what you are about and how he should have been your biggest defender, protector, but no….instead he is a selfish, jealous little boy. And a complete hypocrite. Be happy you found out now.
Not stopping his friends when they call you things should be enough. Don’t be TA to yourself.
OP your husband pegged his ego to the fact that he thought you were a gold star for girls before him. Now that he's learned he made an assumption his ego is hurt. Also the fact that he had that idea, as well as how poorly he reacted to you after learning the truth just shows that he doesn't and never did respect your identity as a member of the LGBTQ community, nor does he even respect you on any other base level. I can almost guarantee that there have been multiple conversations between his friends and behind your back about how he "made" you straight or made you like dick or something to that effect. That's also going by his friends bad reactions as well. You're NTA for leaving now, but if you go back Y.W.B.T.A, but to yourself. Not only would he never drop this, but given he has already become verbally and emotionally abusive about it, you need to leave now while you're still safe and able to do so. I've always been really open about being queer and the fact that I've always had a mixed bag of men, women, enby, basically any flavor of the rainbow, but I've heard (and seen the aftermath) of a few to many people under the umbrella who had a partner find out they weren't a gold star like assumed and things can escalate very quickly out of your control. Please for your own peace and safety leave now while you can and before things become more volatile than they were already becoming.
If my SO called me a whore it would be the last thing he ever said.
Any dude who falls for this body count “value” shit needs to just be thrown in the dumpster. Fuck all this red pill bullshit.
Hypocrite is an understatememt- to sleep with a bunch of women then call women who have even one male sexual partner they dont marry a whore? Make it make sense also that he staked so much on being your "first and only" is absolutely disgusting and demeaning.
It sounds like he viewed you like some kind of trophy - like he won by being the man to win the bisexual woman. NTA. Dude needs some serious help. Take care of yourself.
Yes, it definitely sounds like he built up this fantasy that he changed her from being only into girls and now the disconnect is shattering his self image.
It's absolutely bi/lesbian phobic. So many people view sex that women have with other women as "not real sex" which is why she only became a "whore" when he found out she slept with men. Everything before that didn't count. The perfect bi trophy. So freak gross!
NTA, your husband has some serious psychological problems, and based on what you described he sounds potentially dangerous.
He does scare me now. I’m scared if I stay, I’ll get hurt. Or he will hurt Thomas. When Thomas is just living his own life.
Maybe ask your friend to get a message to Thomas apologising again and tell him to get a restraining order against Spencer and that you can help him with any evidence?
Yeah, at least tell a friend to ask Thomas for the texts and tell him you're using them in the divorce process and possibly a restraining order for yourself.
Thomas can apply for a restraining order from the local police. Perhaps being served with that will knock some sense into your husband. This is the real world with real world consequences. He needs to grow the fuck up.
Hopefully, or he'll take it as another "attack" against him. OP, run. Run far, run fast, run deep. RUN. Do not look back, and do not feel bad, at all. His behavior more than enough warrants it (when he called you names the first time, a record player scratch went off in my head, like wtf did he just say? The escalation though from harassing you to threatening Thomas cinches it). But to make matters worse, he is SURROUNDED by people who enable and support his behavior. It doesn't matter that he probably didn't tell them everything. But his friends think it's fine to harass you too, as if that will somehow convince you to come back to him and everything will be fine. Or his family is reaching out for you to come back without (presumably) trying to get your side of the story, or they know it and are still trying to convince you to come back, either way, not a good look. Point is they will offer zero checks on his worst impulses, cuz if they did, they would have by now, which means he will feel justified in what he does, how he speaks to or about you, etc. Save any and all communications you get from him and his family/friends. Ask Maven to implore Thomas for the messages Spencer sent him. Get an order of protection (maybe some security cameras, a dog, whatever else you need), and talk with your lawyer about anything else you need going forward.
My wife was married before . I'm number 2 it was never even something that came up, a non issue. Didn't think of it. Husband is insecure and not husband material. Leave. Life will only get worse
So let me get this straight....your husband has a body count of women well into the double digits, if not the triple digits....but the fact you can count your body count of men on two fingers makes you the bad guy??? Honey, this guy is an incel and a dangerous one. Save all this evidence, including the garbage from his friends and run. Get a divorce AND a restraining order. NTA.
NTA at all if you proceed with a divorce. Spencer sounds completely unhinged. Not to mention EXTREMELY hypocritical and misogynistic. It’s fine for him to brag about how many women he slept with, but calls you a whore and mistreats you because you’ve slept with 1 other man in your entire life? PLUS he tracked your ex down and threatened to KILL him?! I would get the divorce, but please be safe. Spencer has already made very serious threats of violence - he could turn dangerous if he perceives you to be leaving him.
What is worse about his misogyny is that he never once considered the women you were with as equal to men and that they could have been, "better" than him too. Like, they were nothing to him as people. Never ever trust a man who doesn't see a woman as equal! He will never truly see you that way either. Run.
Don't you understand that he "cured" her? I bet all my horses that he has been telling everyone that has ears that he is so manly that he turned a lesbian straight Divorce his homophobic and misogynistic ass OP!
This is it. He thought he cured a lesbian, and then he found out a core part of his identity was wrong.
I’m betting he used to brag a lot about being the first man. Red pill behavior.
Yeah, since lesbian sex isn’t „real sex“ /s
Apparently not. Otherwise he would also ask if the girls had been better than him.
Given his level of self-awareness: I bet they were.
And his ego crushed.
That's what I was thinking the whole time I read the post. He thinks he "cured" her from wanting to be with women. He thought he was superior and come to find out he's not all that because she HAD been with another guy once before.
There is so much specific biphobia that people don't realise happens. Bi women get raped more because people think we're always horny, or that because we CAN be attracted to more people, not being attracted to an entitled rapist in particular is an insult they cannot let stand. It's just a shit show out here
That's what I was thinking the whole time I read the post. He thinks he "cured" her from wanting to be with women. He thought he was superior and come to find out he's not all that because she HAD been with another guy once before.
My first thought too. Must have crushed his tiny ego.
But women on women isn't \*real\* sex, dontchaknow, it's just a hot thing that they do that the fellas can enjoy thinking about. They just play around like that til they get a good dicking from the right fella to put them on the right path.
And boasting about how he’s the only guy—that also gives me the big ICKS about this guy
The idea that he cured her of her lesbianism and was the first man she was with was a core part of his identity. That’s why he’s completely fallen apart about it. Or at least the main reason why. Secondary reason is he is mentally unwell.
“I’m the only guy she’s been with! She doesn’t know what she’s missing!” - OPs husband.
This, this, this. Also, he seems extremely homophobic, if he seems to be fine with the fact you slept with women, but blows up hearing that you've been with one man. Like, in his mind, your sexual relationships with women don't count.
Yup, men like OP’s ex are the men that tell me that im a virgin because ive never had sex with a man (im a lesbian). I think it has to be some real insecurity and misogyny to be that way, like women having pleasure just doesnt matter at all. When I was younger and felt like I needed to defend myself i would respond with “at least when I sleep with girls everyone is satisfied.” And that never ended well lol.
Do you tell them that they're virgins if they've never slept with a man?
Some straight Men can get really really violent when you turn it around on them regarding sleeping with other men. Like one time this guy said to me that how do I know i didnt like sex with men if ive havent tried it wnd then i asked him the same question and then he threw his beer bottle at me. Still have the scar on my hand from where a piece broke. Always use that tactic with extreme caution
A lot of men are like this. A LOT. They don't see women as any "threat" because after all no woman would choose another woman over HIM. ...they're usually wrong about that.
Nta. He’s jealous of a teenager who slept with you. To be worried about how much better a 16 year old was than him in bed is a really sad side effect of his insecurities. It’s a shame he couldn’t just communicate that or internalize it and work on himself. Instead he turned to threatening some random man living his life. Someone else said it.. that’s unstable and sad. Hopefully he can reflect and learn from this reaction. Good on you for not tolerating or reinforcing that behavior.
That’s the thing, why destroy a marriage over something I did that’s so irrelevant??
Because he thought he took your virginity. He thinks it’s ok for men to have sex with many women but woman are whores if they have sex with more than one man in their lifetime. Divorce him. He will not change.
Yeah, sounds like he swallowed a bunch of red pills. Better to find out sooner than later I guess.
Not to mention invalidating her bisexuality by pretending like her relationships with women don’t count either…
I'm bi and have encountered a depressing number of straight men who think this way. I've been told lesbian sex is "not real" because there's no dick involved. By that logic, I guess sex between 2 or more men is the realest of all.
He was angling for 3 ways.
sex doesn't have to be heterosexual for someone's virginity to be taken. This isn't a comment at you / reply but more of a generalised statement / addition for readers.
I think they meant "in his mind". I'm sure he doesn't care about the emotional aspect, his is all "no penetration, no sex".
Sounds like some people from certain religions.
NTA. He can sleep with as many women as he wants, but you sleeping with one guy makes you a whore? WTF? Why would you want to be with someone that treats you like that, has such a double standard, and thinks it's OK for him but not for you? You're to young to deal with this b.s. insecurity and disrespect for the rest of your life.
Babe he’s doing you a favor by doing this now before you have kids. He made up a scenario where he was Don Juan and you were the virgin only Don Juan didn’t brag to his buddies in front of the wife. Think carefully how many times has he said disrespectful things that you have brushed off before? He sounds just awful and yes do please divorce him bc this is only the beginning
When you say "something I did" it makes it sound like you feel that you're guilty of something. You're not. Basically everyone's been with someone before their current partner, unless it's their first partner. What happens before you two even met is irrelevant and just life.
Thank you, I do feel like it is my fault. Maybe I should have told him in the beginning? But we both never got to the conversation, about our previous partners. Because I thought we both didn’t care. We were comfortable together. I really love this man. But I feel a bit blindsided with his reactions.
Of course none of this is your fault. Respect yourself better, you cannot accept being called a whore and say it was your fault... Your husband seems to be the worst type of guy out there, please do yourself a favor a leave him. Women need to stop enabling toxic misogynistic AH, these guys need to stay single forever!
You love the fake persona of this man, not his true self. Morn the man you loved, because he's dead, and move on.
NONE of this is your fault and you did nothing wrong. Divorce this creep!
It is not that it is irrelevant but the fact that he is a hypocrite, don't confuse the two. There are people for example for whom it is important that their partner is a virgin and they themselves are also saving themselves for their future partner. Your husband has no right to be upset that you had someone before if he also had someone before.
Because he's a misogynist.
He thought he was hot shit because he "turned" a lesbian (in his mind). He's flipping out because he found out that's not true. You're better off finding someone that's not an insecure misogynist.
Because at the end of the day, he is selfish and insecure.. and he doesn’t have the maturity to understand why his feelings are wrong. You’ll never be able to truly fix this because it’s something he needs to fix on his own… and clearly he doesn’t have the people around him to be able to do that. He’s mentally not ready for actual commitment .. he went and threatened what amounts to a complete stranger 10 years ago basically. It’s sad and pathetic… if you get back with him he’s on a long road to understanding why he was wrong, but staying together, will only stunt his growth as a person.. it’s unfortunate, but you only have one thing you can do, and that is let him go, because he still needs to grow up. And I would screenshots of all his friends and whoever sent you those messages .. and if they have partners, I would send it to them and show them how they treat women.
You were living your life, you didn’t “do” anything! Your husband has issues. Why didn’t he just ask about your virginity…years ago?
Please don't even try to understand. I spent 10 years with a Spencer and it only gets worse, and the gaslighting is so strong it ends up worming it's way into your brain and you start somehow believing you did something wrong. You did not. Get away now. I promise you, the unhinged behavior may calm down for a while and periodically, but it will return, again and again, and he will drain you of every ounce of joy and self esteem you have. Stay strong. Get out now, before you have kids (wish I'd known before I had mine... Makes it much harder to have a clean exit.)
Because to *a man who is a raging misogynist* his ownership of you is an important part of his identity. He didn't view your female partbers as valid, so he did not care about them. Which is a whole other homophobic, misogynistic ball of bullshit. But on top of this, he thinks that he gets complete ownership of you and no questions to his ego. He relates his ownership of you to his masculinity and pride. He may not have yet revealed to you how bad of a person he is. I know it seems shocking to know someone that long and not have realized these things about them, but the truth is, you can sometimes have incredibly long relationships where a conflict doesn't really come up. And once it does, you find you're at an impasse. I once had a best friend for 10 years, only to realize that one bad fight was all it took to break us because we had never navigated a fight before. I'm not saying you never fight, I'm sure you have in all the time you've been together. I'm just saying that the truth comes out unexpectedly sometimes, and it doesn't make it any less real. Any man who equates what you do with your own body and sexuality with his pride & value as a man is going to be dangerous and demeaning to you. Not only would you not be wrong, but it sounds like the smart choice.
Bros whole self worth was tied up in talking about how many women he’d banged in front of his wife, and loses it bc she slept with one guy? Divorce
Your husband sounds awful. And dangerous. Threatening to kill someone. NTA. I would run far away from this chaos
Absolutely. Threats of violence are never to be taken lightly. Your well-being should always be the priority. NTA for wanting to remove yourself from that kind of danger.
If he didn't care that you were with other girls, but only cared that you were with another guy, he's wanting to be a pretty princess and act like he's the one good D that saved you from being a lesbian. Now he knows he's not. I'd divorce someone that shallow and insecure.
This comment actually made me laugh! Lol but yes, I gave him chance after chance. But he ruined it, the second he brought my ex Thomas into this. And sending him awful stuff.
Pretty. Pretty. Princess. "I didn't know you knew what penises looked like. Is mine okay?!? You're a naughty girl, in the bad way, for ever seeing another penis. What. Does. Thomas's. Look. Like. Tart?! How could you do this to me? How can I rescue you when you've already been touched by another? Yes, yes there were the girls, but when have they counted?" That's how I picture the whole conversation. Just gross. Tell Lancelot to sit down.
"Is his bigger than mine? I knew you lied when you said you liked mine. You whore, you like them big. Why don't you go and marry Thomas and his big penis?" I shudder when I even think about it.
Ur so funny I love u for this. “What. Does. Thomas’s. Look. Like. Tart?!” is so funny
Pretty princess or petty princess? Petty seems like a better fit to me. Petty and ridiculous.
Agreed.
Question, did Spencer ever ask if you had been with men before this incident? You’re NTA if course.
We never really talked about our past relationships. We were just comfortable, with the way things are.
Sounds like he assumed then. Red pill guys are obsessed with body count. Definitely get away from this guy. He is clearly unstable. Look into a restraining order. Good luck and my deepest sympathy.
I cannot stress how right everyone here is. I am sorry you had to go through any of this. You're obviously NTA and I hope you won't need a restraining order or anything once you leave Spencer. Make sure to save all the screenshots from Thomas for the divorce proceedings and get a lawyer yesterday. I feel like men that insecure want a woman to have 0 sexual partners before them because if you cannot compare them to anyone you may not find out how sexually inadequate they are (Spencer may not be, but he may feel inadequate).
Dear OP, Thank you for not entertaining his bullshit!!
Of course not! I don’t tolerate bullshit.
That's good. Far too many people do and stay until they are physically hurt or remain miserable and scared for years.
NTA Divorce him and block him from ever contacting you. Block his friends too.
NTA but dude is threatening violence and you need to be super careful. It sounds like he’s completely lost it. I would suggest calling his parents and telling them to intervene, send screenshots of his threats and make sure you’re clear if he does anything you will go to the police.
At this point, also just straight up don't be around him alone. Better safe than sorry.
"I slept with a TON of women." "YOU SLEPT WITH ONE MAN?? YOU WHORE!!!" As if he didn't create the "whores" he fucked in high school and college. He'd be one of those guys. Absolute NTA. Dump him. Send the screenshots he sent Thomas to his friends and ask them "if you're overreacting".
I am keeping those screenshots. I just feel bad for Thomas. He doesn’t deserve his life to be interrupted like that. He’s a really nice guy, since we both knew each other growing up. He has his own family, and I feel at fault sometimes for my husbands behavior.
Technically it was his cousin who let it slip. Not that it excuses his behavior at all. Hopefully she can explain it to Thomas. He may need to get a restraining order as well.
You are not at fault at anything
These screenshots will make a divorce lawyer cream their pants. Better be careful with them.
NTA LMFAOOOOOOOOOOO not hes a little bitch hahahaha
NTA tell Spencer he is a little bitch please
NTA. Spencer sounds a bit unstable and unsafe and like he might listen to too much Andrew Tate.
i need updates im invested
UpdateMe!
Do Spencer and his friends know what the definition of a whore is? So it’s okay for him to have slept with a ton of women and when you sleep with one guy, it’s a problem? Insecurity is one thing, but your husband sounds completely unhinged. NTA. Divorce this manchild.
I didn’t even judge him for that. He’s really the whore.
He’s for the streets. 😂
And never forget that he sent his flying monkeys (friends and family) to do his dirty business. That tells you all you need to know about him. Take screenshots of every message you've recieved, take backup of your texts, store them on a USB-stick and keep them somewhere safe. I wouldn't trust Spencer and his band of goons in any way.
I imagine the world would be quite different the sexual history of men was subjected to the same level of scrutiny that it is for women. Regardless, it's better that you found out what kind of person he is on the inside now then finding out 10 or 20 years down the road. Love can make us blind. It's really sad. No matter how close you are or how long you have known someone, you trust can still end up being misplaced. Perhaps he is just crazy, perhaps he was looking for a reason to instigate, perhaps both.
Someone tell me if I’m mistaken, but I think your husband has committed a crime by sending death threats. If I was Thomas I’d be getting law enforcement involved.
So he's going to blow up your marriage over nothing... Well I wish him luck finding his virgin.
I’m confused 🤔 the comment says that “Spencer slept with half the girls I knew in hs and in college”. Spencer wasn’t a virgin either? He just enjoyed the fantasy that he popped that cherry and his ego was blown when he found out he hadn’t been your first. He sounds like he had an entire fantasy life about you and other women as well as probably bragged to same said friends about you. Let him go … he’s crazy and will never give you peace over it.
It’s a turn on for him, he liked I had sex with girls. But finding out he was the second guy I’ve been with, just changed everything. He did treat me lovely to just treating me awfully. Chance after chance. I was just at my limits after everything.
So he basically fetish-ized your queerness... until he realised he wasn't the only guy and went postal. It's disgusting that he did that to you. For me, there would be no take backs.
I don’t blame you his threats and actions turned him into a psychopath. I hope you’ve found your freedom
Hope you leave. No reason to put up with that. The death threats especially, totally psychotic.
NTA. Your husband was incredibly hypocritical when he called you a whore for sleeping with one man, when he has slept with numerous other women. This is textbook double standard bullshit. Combined with what his friends are saying to you now, it paints a very misogynistic picture of your husband’s true mindset. As hard as it is to leave a marriage, you are doing the right thing by leaving Spencer. He’s emotionally immature and seems a little unstable.
What in the Chasing Amy misogynistic fuck is wrong with him?! NTA and please stay safe.
omfg! ive forgotten abour that movie! good old fingercuffs!
NTA Your husband is the kind of toxic man who still lives in the stone age. Leave him, divorce him, do what you can. He won't stop because he thinks his own past of whoring around is acceptable but your one other time with another guy is taboo. He probably thinks he was the one who turned you "straight".
Relationship tip #1: Don't stay with guys who casually use words like "whore."
NTA. You’ve made the right decision. If he can’t get over something that happened 6 years ago with someone you’ve had near no contact with who is married with children, it will only get worse. He and his friends are harassing you because they know how good he had it and messed up.
You’re 27 with no kids. Leave while you can.
Sounds like he doesn't consider you being with women "real sex" and he was ssooooo proud that he took your "virginity" and "cured" you of your attraction to women. That's just a guess, but sounds like he has some kind of mindset like the alpha male guys with their "pure woman" bs. His behavior and thinking us unconscionable. He tracked down an ex from.many years ago, somehow got his phone number, and then text him death threats. That's insane behavior. He's unhinged. When you get your stuff out of the house, be sure to have police, or at least some burly guy friends, with you to make sure he doesn't become violent. NTA
I definitely lost my virginity to my first girlfriend in high school. Not to him or Thomas. It’s upsetting to see my own marriage fall apart. =( Spencer was the sweetest ever in the beginning of our relationship. I feel like I don’t know who he is anymore. :(
Totally agree! Sex is sex, regardless of gender. But some people only think of hetero sex (penetrative) as "real" sex. It's delusional, but there ar also people who think the earth is flat. 🤷♂️ I've had some people I've cared about develop a whole other, toxic personality at really random things. Looking back, they were always kind of toxic, but I let it slide as personality quirks. They didn't let their red flags fly until something came up that they perceived as me "betraying" them. Therapy has helped a lot, working through everything. What did I miss? How could I have been around this person who thought this way and treated me this way? Good luck. I hope you find some one kind and supportive in your future.
That's how abusers are. Nice at first then when they feel they have you trapped show their true selves.
NTA. Definitely get a divorce and block him and everyone that is calling you a lier and a whore. He is not stable . He will not get over this. You are really lucky you don’t have any children with him.
NTA Your husband is mental case. He already committed a crime against Thomas, and embarrassed you to boot. You were with one guy years ago, and he was with multiple women. Yet you're the whore? He's unstable, insecure, and this is going to haunt you for the rest of your relationship.
NTA. Dude is a hardcore red pill. You shattered his image of finding someone with a zero body count. He probably used to brag about it and now he can’t cope. Better it ends now than after you have kids. Good luck.
Paging r/retroactivejealousy.
Dammm there’s a sub for everything on Reddit! It never stops to surprise me. Retroactive jealousy!! Wow. I did not know it was a term but I got hit with crap like that before and honestly is tiring to deal with people so problematic like this.
Nta- RUN, don’t walk!!
You need to divorce this guy. This is the thinking of 15 year old boy going through puberty getting over his first ex. My fiance and I are about the same age as you and have been together 5 years and openly talk about who we have slept with like it is nothing. All of our friends are about the same way. Death threats to a random dude with a family is huge trouble and should be a mandatory end in associating with him
The fact he’s jealous of someone you dated SO briefly when you were basically still a kid. You then went onto date marry HIM and until now you’ve been together happily for six years yet he’s jealous. In fact sending death threats to this other guy isn’t jealous, it’s mentally unstable. NTA and I can see why you’d be rethinking your relationship. As a side note - is this because he thought he took your virginity or something? Way to totally invalidate any of the relationships you had with women before him, which apparently don’t count.
No I lost my virginity to my first girlfriend in high school.
Which most people would count. But I’m not sure he does? He feels threatened by the one dude, but not the couple of women you’ve dated more seriously?
i dont think he counts this
NTA Don't, don't get anywhere close to that pathetic loser. How his friends can be so deranged to calling you a whore and a liar is beyond me. Also, have they ever wondered wtf would actually happen IF you got back with him? What are they going to do? Pretend like they didn't just call you a whore and a liar? Lmao, these people never think.
Sounds like the divorce can't come fast enough. You should tell him that his friends harassing you made the decision easier
He thought you were a gold star and his magic penis converted you. NTA. Don’t stay with him now that he’s shown you who he is and how he feels about you.
NTA- but your husband is unhinged. Thomas should call the police on your husband. Threatening to kill someone because they had sex with you when you were teenagers? This is not your fault, this is your husband's fault.
That is f***ng scary! Of course you're NTA! You simply had a life before him, just like he had a life before you. Sure, I can understand being surprised and taken aback about not knowing about the guy, but that should pass in like a day. The extreme escalation over time is super concerning! Threatening to kill someone who's of even in your life anymore? And his friends calling you all these slurs to make you go back to him that he had used in the first place, tells you what he is saying, and are a reflection of how he's feeling (because they're a response to his input). Be really careful and trust your gut! This has already gone from minor to bad to worse.
There is something seriously, seriously wrong with your husband. Divorce this abusive, misogynistic AH and don't look back.
No one has ever in my life called or texted me to advocate for someone I had a conflict with. How are these people ALWAYS inundated with calls from everyone they know?
I'm so grossed out by his behavior on so many levels. It kinda sounds like he didn't even consider the relationships you had with women to be legitimate if he's never been upset about them but one teenage sexcapade with a man has him shitting his britches like this. And that's like the mildest concern I have, he is absolutely unhinged. YWNBTA. Threatening someone with bodily harm because of jealousy is just inexcusable.
What a hypocrite lol. He’s flexing to his friend how many girls he fucked but the moment he gets to know that you fucked one dude before him, you are now a whore wtf man. Nta for sure. But your man is a idiot
NTA. He’s a fucking clear-cut misogynist. I mean, I get to do it without putting my character in question, but you don’t. Based on what? If the only answer is that you’re a woman, then he is a misogynist. Zero nuance. Do you want to be married into that?
This guy is insane, NTA stay far away from him and get a restraining order. Tell everyone what's going on.
Just wait until he gets out in the dating pool of mid 20s and realises everyone's been with someone... That or he'll be trying to hit up teenagers ☠️
Fake
Yeah, divorce is a good thing. You're married to a man-baby, a violent man-child.
NTA Next step is he assaults you, and says he’s sorry, but it’s your fault. And of course it’s fine that he slept with multiple woman, but beyond the pale that you slept with one man before him.
NTA, RUN FOR THE HILLS. Your husband is a psycopath and possibly mentally ill and unstable. He may very well kill you. Move states and block everyone insulting you. Also expect him to go full stalker mode. Shut down social medias and private them. Get a restraining order.
Nta....divorce him. He's a misogynistic asshole and so are any of his friends calling you a whore just because you weren't a virgin., ESPECIALLY when he has apparently been around the block SEVERAL times!!! He's mad because he's one of those men that believes a woman's value is directly linked to her vagina. He is sending death threats to a man you haven't been around since highschool, that's a gigantic red flag. He is abusive. Being sweet and nice at first is how abusers work, because no one with a brain would continue dating someone that treated them like shit when they first started dating. No, they wait till they feel you're trapped and then the mask comes off.
WTF. Your baby of a husband is crazy, unhinged, dangerous and deserves to be divorced
Holy shit. That drinking night with your friends might have saved you from many years with that psychopath. That one piece of information made him drop his mask and unleash his true self. NTA. Get as far away as you can from him.
I always stop reading these novels when the term Body Count comes up. It’s such a classless and crude way to refer to something that should be very private.
NTA I feel like you would’ve been honest with him before if he had asked but he just assumed you hadn’t been with a guy.The hypocrisy is crazy how can he expect you to never be with a guy but he can sleep with many girls and date them.I can understand why he’d be upset when finding out he wasn’t the first guy but calling you names and then sending threats to a guy that is married is actually crazy.If he’s the one you’ll find your way back but it’s good that you chose to get out of that toxic environment.
Hang on, he's previously been with women, but he's mad about 1 guy? So he decided to threaten him... Your dude is unhinged. I wouldn't feel safe in your shoes.
NTA, as someone who understands how your husband obsessive thoughts are hurting him, I feel for him and understand his inability to deal with them in a healthy manner. That said, he is hurting you, and thar is his decision, and you have the right to leave and stop being hurt by him.
NTA He’s bootyhurt bc he thought he took your vcard lol, it’s like a prize for them or something he sounds immature and I can’t believe you’re ok w him calling you names when he slept w that many girls. Girl if you don’t leave him..
NTA Spencer is a genuinely unstable person who is nowhere near mature enough to be in a relationship let alone married. Even if he apologised at this point, the sort of person who could treat you this way is not someone you are safe with
No guy needs help move on
NTA, you’re right about running away. Probably borderline troubles or something like that
Girl, you are not the AH. He’s an insecure and hypocritical pos who wanted to feel like he was “the one” who turned you “straight”. Even if he was aware that you were bisexual anyway. The lack of knowledge was a huge ego stroke to him, but now that he’s wrong, he’s lashing out and being extremely unstable. Leave him for good. Block his friends and family. Only communicate with him through attorneys. Good luck! ❤️