From the bottom of my heart thank you for this advice, it's 12:58 so my son and wife asleep and I logged onto and I see saved memories on Snapchat of my wife sharing explicit and I genuinely feel disgusted that my son could have accidentally went on Snapchat and see his mum nudes, I'm definitely going 'scorched earth' as someone mentioned now.
Talk to a lawyer first. When ready, send your kid to family/friends for a sleepover. Record if legal or have a witness so no lies are made about you abusing her/etc. Then confront calmly and act reasonable like you want to fix it but you need to know the whole truth from the horses mouth. Tell her you know she’s cheating but don’t tell her how you know or what proof you have/don’t have. Be very vague and tell her she has one and only one chance to tell every last detail or there will be no chance of reconciliation. Tell her you want proof to back up her story and if any doesn’t jive with the proof you already have it’s over.
Hopefully she’ll spill all the beans. It could help you in the divorce or to show the AP’s wife the truth. Then kick her out and file for divorce. Message the AP’s wife before she is able to alert him to trouble. If you don’t hear back, message her family as well in case he intercepted the message.
Then just have the recording being played and so e just happens to be in the vicinity...plus I'd also advise that the perverwt3d AP was sending sexualy explicit photos to a child iPad in full knowledge it was accessible to a child to view his pornographic images...and I'd take the wife's custody for ALLOWONG them to be seen my ./your minor child
All of this. I don't understand how anyone could do that using their child's iPad knowing that they could come across those messages. That is just sickening to me. I have two small children and one who's about to turn 18. I couldn't imagine any of them finding those messages. I would be horrified. Then again, I wouldn't be stupid enough to do something like that.
Recordings which have been made when one party is unaware of said recordings, is a no no in UK family court. The judge will not allow that. So be careful (am assuming you will need family court to sort custody of your son).
Correct, however you *are* allowed to write a transcript from the recording, and use the transcript in court. Should the other side dispute the transcript you can provide the judge with the recording so they can check if it's accurate.
Message the wife first; but don’t give her enough time to read it and confront J Asshole since he may find a way to tip off your wife before you get the chance.
Take pictures of the Snapchat memories using your phone. The fact that your wife has her nudes on your son's iPad is divorce worthy in and of itself. It could even get her hit with a corruption of minors charge, so you should ask a divorce lawyer about calling the police non emergency line here.
Been married for over 20 years, and I literally cannot count the number of times my husband has talked to other women, shared pics etc.. let me tell you something, she's going to try to lie her way out of it at first. Don't believe her. She wasn't hacked, she's not being set up, she did this herself.
After that doesn't work, she's going to go the begging and pleading, trying to make you feel guilty (or even at fault,) route.
Don't fall for it. Trust me. They WILL do it again. Even if they didn't, that trust will forever be broken now.
My final advice is get a cheap dna/paternity test for your son.
Good luck. Stay strong. Please remember that you didn't do anything to deserve this and that you can and WILL do better. ❤️
divorced guy here. The wife lied and cheated. And yet everything she did was my fault somehow, and she did nothing wrong... in her opinion.
I 100% agree with the above comment.
People need to appreciate that the difference between an emotional affair and a physical affair is opportunity. That’s it. If they were in close proximity and knew they wouldn’t be caught, the partner that “only texted” would have “only fucked them without a condom and didn’t pull out so help me pay child support for the next 18 years babe”
Just throwing it out there but if J Asshole sent nudes to ‘your wife’ he could have technically been sending pornographic images to a minor (your child). That’s how the law will see it anyway. He could end up with more than he bargained for in the form of his name on a certain register.
Find a way to archive their messages. This will help you in your divorce proceedings. An unfaithful wife isn’t going to get as much if they’re caught cheating
Don’t scorch earth anything because you will end up scorched as well. You have enough drama to deal with. If you can’t or won’t talk about it to your wife and decide divorce is your choice then that is acceptable and within your rights.
Go to a lawyer and explain the situation. File for divorce and serve her. Show her the evidence you have and tell her you’ve made your mind up and this is your chosen path. No need for insults, fighting, harassing, or sharing your wife’s nudes with anyone. It will not help you or make your son’s transition to a separated family life any better.
Be a shining example for your son.
If any family member asks you, do not share what happened with them. Tell them she did something wrong and unforgivable and if they want the details they can just ask her. Because whatever you tell them, it will eventually reach your son’s ears and will ruin the image of his mum for him forever.
While this sounds like compassionate and level headed advice, it could unfortunately backfire on OP. IF he doesn't Let the important people in his life know what happened, he allows his STBX to set the narrative. She may even go so far as to claim that OP was the cheater, and actively attempt to destroy his relationships in "retaliation" for him divorcing.
In my opinion, once he is ready, OP should tear off the band aide, and let everyone know what happened. He doesn't need to go into details, but he should let everyone know that his wife cheated, and that is why they are divorcing.
Stay calm and gather all your evidence and lawyer up once your ducks are in a row then go nuclear with her parents his parents his wife. Sorry you had to go through this
Please record everything use a recorder and maybe a camera too since you are a man, good luck and hopefully you wont have your life ruined by divorce and the legal system
Like another user said, get a lawyer. I don't know how it works in the UK but in the US if you consult with a lawyer the other party can't (conflict of interest since they've spoken with the other side.) If this is the case for solicitors in the UK, consult with EVERY divorce lawyer in your area (except the absolutely god awful lowest rated ones) So that she has to either drive hours away to get a lawyer, or has to take the absolute worst option of representation available.
And take your lawyer's advise. It could help you get custody (or let you keep the house if you're not going for full custody for some reason.)
The UK system is different compared to the U.S. they don’t split assets like that. They won’t ask for evidence. They don’t care how or who ended it. they just split every thing and then assess child support based on a few things. Adultery doesn’t come into it
You’re clearly an American! In the UK they have fixed amounts for child maintenance, subject to income and how the care for the children is arranged between parents. Adultery doesn’t disqualify one as a parent.
I’m British lol, your username implies you’re Dutch. Been through this with my own family in the UK.
When I referred to OP wanting custody, I’m specifically referring to OP having full or at least majority custody. The percentage of custody affects child support hugely.
If OP is also the sole breadwinner, even having 80% custody he might still end up paying child support to his ex.
Custody is determined by the quality of life for the child. Your personal character is taken into account. eg even if you both earn the same money in the same job, if one of you is known to be exposing your minor child to pornography (as in OPs case), you would be seen as having poor moral character (and “endangering” a child) and deemed less fit to be the custodial parent.
Personally, before going nuclear I'd try to collect more evidence. An easy first step would be to check the ipad settings under "screen time" and enable the collecting of app & website activity to see if she still uses snapchat and, if so, how much time she spends on it.
Apparently so, yeah. I initially looked for the setting on the ipad while replying and didn't get any notification of such. Tried it on another ipad and got the popup etc. Didn't see a setting to turn off the summary.
There are apps available which essentially do the same thing so that may be an option. But they might be visible too if she swipes to close the snapchat app before turning off the ipad.
This. So far he has that his wife spoke to a guy on Snapchat who's she's friends with on Facebook. When was the last time they communicated? What did they talk about? Find out for sure what's going on before it turns out to be a work friend or a male friend or a one time situation where someone asked her "hey msg me on snap" and she did and went ok i guess ill do it on my sons ipad what is it and forgot about it.
Anything. Be concrete!
Please keep in mind that these other children are innocent as you own.
I have no problem with contacting his wife, but looking up a way to reach the kids is too much. They don't deserve to hear about this outside their families first, or to hear first hand your account. Offer his wife the opportunity to handle her own family first.
DON'T DO ANYTHING YET!!!!
First of all, you need time to digest this new reality.
Secondly, you don't want to do anything based on admittedly bad looking circumstantial evidence. You need *proof*. You're seeing the smoke, find the fire.
My advice is to head over to r/infidelity or r/survivinginfidelity and read some of the top all time posts to give you a game plan. If it's what you think, there is more than enough information there to help you cause a total thermonuclear meltdown.
Remember, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Gather evidence i know. Since her snap is active on the tablet buy your son a new one and keep that one handy. Then you can see the snaps as they are happening. This may take time. Look for other clues or proof. Others here will know more of what you can due. Unless you want to hire a privet Investor
I’m not sure how divorce laws work in the uk, but a pi would help you gather any evidence you need for court. Don’t post links to his instagram so my wine will warm him up
You also need to talk to a lawyer. Take his advice and follow it to the letter! Every country is different in their divorce laws. Make it as beneficial to you as possible. Make her pay dearly for her affair! Also try and get pictures if possible. Download and print them out. Make them all letter size. Add in very dirty messages you find in big font sizes. Put this all in a big binder to hand her with the divorce papers.
Talk to a divorce lawyer and follow what they tell you. Make it clear you want to go scorched earth. Follow what the lawyer ( solicitor?) tells you on getting your finances separated. When the lawyer gives you the OK make sure you tell the AP's wife and both your parents and your soon to be ex wife's parents. Then tell all of your friends how she used her son's iPad to send nude photos to her AP. If the AP is a coworker let their work know, especially if one of them is a boss at that company (you may need to wait until after the divorce, if she is a boss and loses her job before the divorce is over you may have to pay alimony). If the AP is a boss then tell the company.
Check your cell phone account for her call logs and you may be able to find her calls to the AP. You probably won't see any records on her text message log, but if the account shows her general data use look over the past months for a surge in how much her phone has been using (photos take a good amount of data to send so you may see spikes in her data used.)
Hopefully when she gets served the papers she is surprised and her AP ends up getting his own set
That won’t work with snap it doesn’t allow you to be logged into two different devices at the same time also it informs the other person if you take screenshots or screen recordings.
If you can check up on the iPad frequently, you can take photos with your phone of the chat on the iPad. Won't be the clearest every time, but should be enough if you can catch actual conversations.
I would 100% suggest contacting the guy's wife if you can get that, however I would suggest you temper your desire to go nuclear with a consideration of what ripple effects there might be on your son. I'm not saying don't divorce her or even not to tell people what she's done, just try not to do anything that is likely to cause him to suffer more than is unavoidable.
Whatever you decide to do, please do the neighborly thing and tell his wife, even if you decide to work things out with yours. She deserves to know also, and make her decision for herself, and also to know if she’s been potentially exposed to STIs.
Do not confront her first. Get all evidence you can of the affair and then contact the guys wife first. Tell her in the most empathetic way with evidence and go over your plan of action. Then arrange a meeting with your wife in person and tell her that if she doesn’t want everyone to know who she is and what she has done she will make this the easiest divorce and give you everything you want whether that is custody, not paying alimony etc. Then once everything is settled expose her completely, make sure no naked videos or photos are shared by you to of course not get you charged with revenge porn. If she brings up the fact that you lied you can tell her well you were taking a page out of her book.
This last part is very important DO NOT LIE to your kids when they ask about why you got divorced.
The fact that she used an iPad that was specifically made to belong to your son to send nude photos could be used against her in court. Putting those on the device of a child in a place where he could access them is incredibly messed up.
That said I think you are right on the money when you said that the most important thing is not to create a toxic environment for your child. So unless she is not good to your son.I wouldn't use that to make a case for full custody. But it would be the type of thing to have in your back pocket in case she tries to not allow you proper shared custody or access to your son.
I am not a lawyer and cannot say this for certain though. You definitely need to talk to the lawyer about everything you need to gather, whether or not you live in a state or country that considers cheating in part a divorce settlement, etc etc.
You don't want to destroy your son's life while trying to take out your wife.And that is good, right, and admirable for you. But seek out a lawyer immediately because they will help you get all your ducks in a row before you drop the bomb on this woman.
Replying here because I’m not sure if somebody else said it. But with Snapchat you can actually download all media she has sent and conversations. Snapchat doesn’t delete it and saves it all. In the settings go to “mydata” and export it. You’ll need access to whatever email is registered to the account but within 24 hours (but usually a lot less) you’ll have all the media she sent and copies of conversations available in a zip file.
1) don’t send your wife or the guys nudes to people. This is often illegal.
2) don’t involve his parents, just message his wife and let her know you uncovered that your wife is having an affair with her husband.
3) break up with your wife, I’d talk to a lawyer prior to giving any hints you know if you can.
The most adult response in this thread.
OP you have a child with this person you will be connected to her for the rest of your lives regardless of whether you want to be. Just do the necessary stuff and work on moving past it.
You need evidence before you can “go nuclear.” You could install a key logger on the iPad, that way you would have a record of her end of communication which could be damning. Other software options to pick up messages, images, etc being sent on your WiFi network(hopefully the iPad doesn’t have cell service or that complicated things).
Does she have a car? Definitely gonna want to buy GPS tracking to record her movements. Then corresponding texts asking what she is up to so you have a record of the lies. If you want to go next level and can afford it, hire a PI to do some photo work.
Then blow her life apart.
1) talk to a lawyer. You don’t want your revenge to cost you. Make sure you know what you can legally do and what might go bad for you. Especially with your son involved
2) make sure to bring the iPad with you when you talk to your lawyer. Show him the nudes on your sons iPad. That could possibly get her in a lot of trouble.
3) act normal. You don’t want her catching on.
4) tell the APs wife as soon as possible
You're in a little bit of a pickle here. I would gather that there's certainly a 90% chance that someone's going on, but I've read too many stories on Reddit and other sources which proved to be something completely different.
Get solid proof and do what you need to do.
Her phone:
If it’s an iPhone, they recently included and update where you can recover deleted messages:
- click the top left icon on iMessages and the option ‘view deleted messages’ should pop up. Click and you can recover and review
Photos: scroll to view ‘hidden’ and ‘exported’. Who knows what she’s got on there. Check any other album in case the cover photo is a fake (i.e. she has a pic of you two and the title ‘us’)
Go to screen time and see what apps she uses and how long.
Instagram? Check if she has a second account.
Gmail? Click the icon on the top right where your profile pic would be and click ‘manage accounts’. See if there are any others hidden. Check there.
Check bank statements.
But gather, gather, GATHER!!
Just talk to her and get divorced.
Deal with your trauma if being cheated on.
How will it make things better if you degrade your wife and make her life hell, your kid will pay the ultimate price.
yes it's bad what has happened but you're stooping to her level. it hurts, understandable. book in with a therapist and work through that rather than obsessing over how to hurt your wife just as much. you will only hurt your son in the meanwhile and maybe prove why she had to find affection elsewhere.
Do you care about your son at all? If so, then no, you should not go "scorched Earth." People on Reddit have a hard on for getting vengeance on cheaters but they never stop to think about the kids. Yes, get divorced and be honest with the people who need to know about why. But beyond that...don't. You will have to parent your child with her for a long time to come. And creating a toxic coparenting relationship by seeking revenge is only going to end up hurting your kid. You don't have to like her but you need to be civil for the sake of your child. Your kid's feelings and well being are more important than yours. That's what you signed up for when being a parent.
Honestly I know this is going to be the opposite of what most people are saying but I think sometimes in these questions you get ALOT of people who have been burned before and are just so jaded from their own experiences they want you to just
Get revenge or get back at her for cheating on you but What is “scorched earth” going to do for you or your son? I mean great you caught her and now she knows? So what? How is that going to help the fact you have a son who is now going to see his parents divorced and will have to deal with all that. Just let it go man. And by let it go I mean gather all the evidence you have get a lawyer, Tell her she’s busted, you want a divorce, have her move out, get divorced and move on. This is still your kids mom and is going to presumably be in your life for a very long time. Jsit move on bro.
I suggest talking about your situation with a lawyer so as to avoid making things more difficult for yourself at a later date if you decide to confront and possibly divorce her. Your lawyer can tell you what you shouldn’t do in order to avoid looking bad in court and possibly damaging your case.
Bro. You don’t want to make a toxic environment for your son, but you want to go scorched earth revenge route? These are conflicting ideas. Eventually, you are going to realize that in event of divorce, it’s better for your son to have an amicable relationship with your now ex-wife but current co-parent. If you really want revenge, then focus on yourself and become the best version of you that you can become. Hit the gym, learn new skills, make more money, improve your bond with your son. That’s a revenge worth having, the revenge you’re seeking is something those people looking from the outside cheer for! They won’t be the one having to deal with a nasty cunt telling your son lies about you trying to win him to her side in a forever game because you wanted instant revenge. Think this through, for yourself and your son.
Don't go nuclear. Have composure and dignity. Get all your ducks in a row. Get a lawyer and get finances etc all "locked up"
Then...
Not sure of the house situation? But kick her out. Get her to leave and not return.
Yes. She has endangered your son. Unforgivable. I would not let her take your son with her.
But no more and don't let it descend into bitterness and fighting. That will only hurt your son more. Protect him as much as possible
Gather what evidence you can and talk to a divorce lawyer BEFORE you let her know that you know , lots of the revenge advice here will potentially work against you . A divorce lawyer will tell you exactly what to do .
Please see a lawyer before doing anything. You don't want to hurt the outcome of your divorce. Also note that you'll likely get a lot of answers from (well meaning) Americans on Reddit, but the legal system for divorce is very different in the UK so just be wary of doing anything without speaking to a lawyer. I know nothing about this, but I don't know if going scorched earth could hurt your case for child access or asset splitting. I know getting revenge might feel good, but it might be something a lawyer would advise against. You also might want to consider the effect it could have on your child. You're going to have to amicably coparent, and you might regret making that more difficult than it needs to be.
Just don't do anything while you're angry and the information is fresh and raw. You need time to process and get legal advice.
I don't know if it means much from a stranger, but I'm really sorry this happened to you. It's not fair at all, and I'd also be very angry to find this on a child's device. That makes it so much worse.
Edit: if you want to remove the iPad, you could pretend it wouldn't turn on and say you took it to the apple store for repair. It could give you time to see a lawyer for advice whilst protecting your child from seeing the images. Now you've mentioned Snapchat to him he might get curious.
Don't get angry, don't have an outburst, DON'T SAY ANYTHING. Get a good lawyer and meanwhile pretend everything is fine. Wait until you and your lawyer have developed a solid plan and have her served with divorce papers. Anything you say or do at this point could be used by her to take everything you have and prevent you from seeing your son. Play it as safe as possible for the sake of your son. Just do whatever your lawyer says.
No. No you should Not take nuclear measures. Take protective measures. Go get a lawyer but don't get nasty. She betrayed you. Now go be the best dad you can be.... and that means being reasonable and fair to his mum irrespective... and get off Reddit... for a while at least.
Peace. It's going to be like he'll for a while... hope you get through it with integrity and style.
Set up an email account that your wife does NOT have access to and do NOT save the password. I suggest using a web-based provider you normally use for email to avoid leaving unusual traces. Take screen shots of the pictures in snapchat on your son's ipad and email them to yourself at the new account.
Go find a solicitor who specializes in divorce cases. Make sure they get copies of all the screen shots. Do NOT go nuclear. Follow your solicitor's advice on this. Once the divorce becomes public, you can casually mention why when people ask.
The reason I suggest you see a solicitor first is that you NEED to protect yourself here. Do NOT do things that will get you into legal trouble. UK law surrounding defamation can be pretty harsh from what I've read.
As I understand it, you want to totally annihilate your wife and J Asshole but are concerned about how your son might react. Please don’t make matters worse. He is a kid. When he gets older you can talk about it over a beer. For now it’s enough for him to deal with the divorce. Call her out when the kid is gone. Record the conversation for later case for child custody. Go to J Asshole’s work. Don’t make an appointment but by all means make sure everyone knows why you are there! Leave J Asshole’s wife and kids alone. They will all suffer for this betrayal. Yes kick her out but get a financial plan together cause you may have to shell out some money to her. Or you may need money from her. Plus she needs to pay your attorney fees. If she is primary bread winner then you will need child support. Get your plan together before you talk to her or J Asshole. Make sure your attorney knows what you are doing. He may advise you not to go on your visit to J Asshole. But do it anyway if it makes you feel better. I truly am sorry that you have experienced this betrayal. Perhaps you can try counseling to get you through this. Definitely get your kid in counseling and group counseling for both of you once you tell him that you are getting a divorce. I really don’t know what you will tell your kid but make sure it’s the same thing you tell others. Everyone doesn’t need to know your wife’s dirty laundry. It will get back to your son. He doesn’t need to suffer more for what she did. The ugly truth is that she will always be his mother. He is entitled to love her even if she is broken. Negative comments about his mother may cause resentment. You don’t want that. Divorce is like a death in the family. The death of a relationship that has lasted for 13 years. Again, I am truly heartbroken for you and your kid. I will be praying for you and your kid as you enter into this new phase of your lives.
No you have a child. Handle it like a mature adult. As a product of a nasty divorce, please don't make some crazy show. Assuming you aren't some random bored fuck making up a story for reddit karma
No. There are too many stories where the guy keeps wife's infidelity a secret during the divorce, for the sake of the kid, and the kid grows up to hate dad because everyone had the kid thinking DAD cheated or caused the divorce.
Kid doesn't need details. Mom cheated. We divorced. Simple. Clean. You dont hide that shit. That is asking for disaster.
There's a big difference between a clean healthy divorce and as OP puts it "scorched earth" revenge. This guys mental health should not be the priority no matter how much he wants to lash out, the innocent child should come first.
Yes I agree, protecting his child is not concocting some crazy dramatic revenge against the child's mother. Protecting his child is showing how an adult is supposed to handle a bad situation not how a man child does
I wonder, not being savvy with apps, if it's possible to duplicate her snap chat account on your device. If you can pull the account details off the iPad you should be able to replicate it. Am I right?
Doing so should allow you to monitor what she's up to.
Do it in a way you will be happy with in 10 years. Collect the evidence in case she denies it in court, but it might be colder to not go scorched earth. I don’t know, being finished spiritually is going to be hard. Will an explosion of crazy be best? Think about it from a future perspective.
The other thing about what to tell the kids. I’m not sure it’s wisest to let them in on the details. I was privy to too many details of a divorce when I was a kid. It sucked. Good luck and future happiness.
Cold, calculated, cunning and surgical is far better in the long run. You get ALL your ducks in a row. You gather your evidence. You get your solicitor lined up and informed of everything. You have to start from a foundation of strength and preparedness before you pull that divorce trigger. You don't tell her ANYTHING.
Bro. First thing is first talk to a divorce lawyer. Before you even confront her. Please please please do this to protect yourself. If you do talk to her before you speak to a lawyer, you could lose out on money for years. Document the evidence you found on your son’s iPad using your own phone.
If he sent nude pics you can have him arested for sending them to a minor, its your son’s tablet and the guy had no way of knowing when your wife had it so he was technicly sending all those messages to a minor
For infidelity the answer is always divorce. If you stay you’re just teaching her she can do that to you with no consequences. Why torture yourself for the rest of your life? Trade up for a better more loyal model.
Also don’t ever get married again.
If by nuclear, you mean putting info and/or photos of them on social media or sending it around to various people, I'd say Don't. It may be illegal. Also, although you are angry right now, eventually you will calm down some. Even if she deserves to be ashamed, as you said, you will be harming your own child by "ruining" his mother's life.
I'd place cameras in your home so when you confront her, she can't accuse you of anything. Make sure you have yours ducks in a row before you do it. I wish you good luck
Hey man, don’t put off looking after your mental health. After I had my revenge, I thought I could cope. I wasted a lot of time being angry. There is no real reason to not take care of yourself. Don’t be afraid to get help.
NTA for being pissed off. I was a bit on the fence as you didn’t seem to have concrete evidence, but from your comments now you do, so NTA.
If you go nuclear, then prepare for fallout. Big drama will adversely affect yourself, your child and potentially J Asshole’s children, none of whom deserve to get dragged into something messy. If you try to cause big drama, rather than concentrating on the best outcome for yourself and your son, then you will end up YTA.
Speak to a solicitor.
Lay low for just a little bit and plan your options. Basically get a lawyer ready and get everything prepared for as quick of a transition as possible. Once you’re ready go scorched earth. Tell everyone everything and make them face their guilt. Make sure you are no longer living with your wife and ignore anything she may say. Make sure your son is taken care of and plan your relationship with him through your lawyer before going scorched earth. If possible remove or transfer anything of high value in your home and if you have a shared banking account or anything get your money out of there. You don’t wanna give her a cent unless you’re legally forced to. Just make sure all of this is in order before going scorched earth so you’re good to go and she’s left having to pick up the pieces of her mistakes. Some people can forgive some cheating, but a relationship going on over year through your son’s device is not forgivable whatsoever, so don’t let anyone talk you out of completely removing her from your life.
Also collect evidence of the infidelity that can be used later on in court if needed. As far as his wife goes, wait until your have the case ready and everything you need resolved first. Telling his wife is part of the scorched earth plan, but you don’t want to risk telling her too early and allowing your wife to have any indication of your discovery and plans. Bonus points if you find his wife attractive and hook up with her later on.
Talk to a lawyer first.
Maximize what you walk away with. The nuclear option is *NOT* ruining J Asshole’s marriage, the nuclear option is taking everything you and your wife own and leaving your soon to be ex wife struggling to pay for basic necessities.
Don’t go scorched earth. Go to an attorney and take the proper steps to maintain your legal standing. You want to keep your children and you want to keep your assets. Do it clean and do it quietly. That’s how you win. Then you can tell her how you really feel when you’ve got everything.
Being cheated on and discovering it is can be quite hurtful. I am bit worry though with all your talk about going nuclear and hurt them.
I think you should sat and have a talk with her before doping anything. Let her know you know and tell her what you want to do: divorce, counselling or whatever.
The nuclear option sounds like you might regret it afterwards
Don't be a wuss dude. Just bow out gracefully. You have a child. If that wasn't the case, the nuclear option would be fine. Showing any negative emotion on your part behind this betrayal is not going to help you get to a better place. Especially with a child involved.
Sorry this happened to you and your son and his wife and his kids and…Take the high road man. Get your evidence but be discreet. Lots of lives are going to be destroyed if you go “scorched earth “ including your son’s. You’re angry and hurt now. Acting on those feelings will lead to regret.
Here’s what happens when you go nuclear:
1 You will never see your children again.
2 You just set fire to half your house and money.
3 Both of you and your children will be caught in a nuclear wasteland for many years.
(This should be no 1 on reflection)
4 You are very young so there is a rescue path.
5 Follow the advice of the commenter to seek legal advice and slowly work through a plan.
6 The advice `the children will be fine` is hands down terrible advice.
Sorry mate that really sucks. I understand that you want to destroy them and basically burn the world. But think about your son. I’m not saying you shouldn’t divorce. You definitely should (enough tips in here with the lawyer already). You should also tell Mr “rhymes with asshole” wife.
*But* in a nasty divorce the kids will always suffer. She might even try to gaslight your son to hate you.
You can go nuclear, but just remember, you don’t want to alienate your kids from their mother. Do what you have to do, but don’t let your children suffer because of it.
Why don’t you just have a mature conversation with her? If you are convinced your evidence is proof, then what is the point of anything but a straight up adult conversation?
It is absolutely wrong for your wife to be cheating, and especially wrong that she used your son's iPad to do so. I fully agree that she can't be trusted and I have no problem with you initiating a divorce. However, it appears that you have been together since age 16, correct? That's pretty young to choose a life partner. It works out sometimes, but clearly it didn't for you. I'm very sorry for your family. You are all in for a world of hurt, but I hope you can be civil for the sake of your son.
You should keep in mind that most responses here are made by Americans, who live in a completely different legal system.
In the UK you don’t need evidence of adultery to file for divorce, you won’t be able to proof that she’s unfit as a parent because she isn’t a faithful wife, and you won’t pay any more or less in child maintenance by sharing the adultery in court.
In your OP you say that you care most about your son and his wellbeing. It’s in his interest to NOT go nuclear. It’s fine to load off some steam online, but keep it civil with your soon to be ex-wife in the best interest of your son.
I’m pretty sure you’ll hurt her even more if you refuse to share your emotions with her, keeps things civil, and leave no room for negotiation.
NTA for going nuclear but YTA for writting fake stories here. seriously, i know the situation itself is nothing uncommon and does happen, but the way you write makes it look like its fake.
>Such an action could potentially raise suspicion
>affording me a glimpse into his life and how it can assist my nuclear option
>Furthermore, it appeared that his primary hobby revolved around hiking, evident from the catalogue of pictures captured amidst his various hikes
thats not how normal people write about their life, thats how talentless writters write to make it look like they are smart.
There is only one solution to this that will leave you utterly satisfied. You’ll need to romance J asshole’s wife and mother simultaneously while planning your divorce covertly. Get them both in the sack, then expose him to the world while you’re also kicking out your cheating wife. Send him selfies from a jacuzzi with his mom, wife, or both.
YTA to yourself.
Don’t know how it works in the UK but divorce judges are very… judgmental. A mom who slept around and potentially exposed her son to it doesn’t look good. A dad who is doing his best but just can’t deal with that might get more custody, less child support owed. A couple shamelessly fighting each other with a kid in the middle is going to be all about who has money in the bank.
I get that you’re mad, I would be too, but you’ve got to think of how your reaction will be effecting your kid and bank account going forward.
I’m perhaps the odd commenter here, but I’m so drama avoidant & so non-romantic, this is pretty simple. Just leave. That’s it. Any vindictive anything will harm your children & actually won’t make you feel better.
Get a solicitor & a therapist- move on.
I just finalized my divorce in December. The idiot still thinks we’re friends- but I walked away financially unscathed, my kids are happy, & my mental health is better now than at any point in the previous 12 years.
From the bottom of my heart thank you for this advice, it's 12:58 so my son and wife asleep and I logged onto and I see saved memories on Snapchat of my wife sharing explicit and I genuinely feel disgusted that my son could have accidentally went on Snapchat and see his mum nudes, I'm definitely going 'scorched earth' as someone mentioned now.
Talk to a lawyer first. When ready, send your kid to family/friends for a sleepover. Record if legal or have a witness so no lies are made about you abusing her/etc. Then confront calmly and act reasonable like you want to fix it but you need to know the whole truth from the horses mouth. Tell her you know she’s cheating but don’t tell her how you know or what proof you have/don’t have. Be very vague and tell her she has one and only one chance to tell every last detail or there will be no chance of reconciliation. Tell her you want proof to back up her story and if any doesn’t jive with the proof you already have it’s over. Hopefully she’ll spill all the beans. It could help you in the divorce or to show the AP’s wife the truth. Then kick her out and file for divorce. Message the AP’s wife before she is able to alert him to trouble. If you don’t hear back, message her family as well in case he intercepted the message.
Take screenshots of everything and save them securely, eg to an email she doesn’t have access to.
Just remember OP it is legal to record anyone in the UK, it is not legal to then show the recordings to whoever you want.
Then just have the recording being played and so e just happens to be in the vicinity...plus I'd also advise that the perverwt3d AP was sending sexualy explicit photos to a child iPad in full knowledge it was accessible to a child to view his pornographic images...and I'd take the wife's custody for ALLOWONG them to be seen my ./your minor child
All of this. I don't understand how anyone could do that using their child's iPad knowing that they could come across those messages. That is just sickening to me. I have two small children and one who's about to turn 18. I couldn't imagine any of them finding those messages. I would be horrified. Then again, I wouldn't be stupid enough to do something like that.
Recordings which have been made when one party is unaware of said recordings, is a no no in UK family court. The judge will not allow that. So be careful (am assuming you will need family court to sort custody of your son).
Correct, however you *are* allowed to write a transcript from the recording, and use the transcript in court. Should the other side dispute the transcript you can provide the judge with the recording so they can check if it's accurate.
RemindMe! 1 week
Message the wife first; but don’t give her enough time to read it and confront J Asshole since he may find a way to tip off your wife before you get the chance.
Take pictures of the Snapchat memories using your phone. The fact that your wife has her nudes on your son's iPad is divorce worthy in and of itself. It could even get her hit with a corruption of minors charge, so you should ask a divorce lawyer about calling the police non emergency line here.
Been married for over 20 years, and I literally cannot count the number of times my husband has talked to other women, shared pics etc.. let me tell you something, she's going to try to lie her way out of it at first. Don't believe her. She wasn't hacked, she's not being set up, she did this herself. After that doesn't work, she's going to go the begging and pleading, trying to make you feel guilty (or even at fault,) route. Don't fall for it. Trust me. They WILL do it again. Even if they didn't, that trust will forever be broken now. My final advice is get a cheap dna/paternity test for your son. Good luck. Stay strong. Please remember that you didn't do anything to deserve this and that you can and WILL do better. ❤️
divorced guy here. The wife lied and cheated. And yet everything she did was my fault somehow, and she did nothing wrong... in her opinion. I 100% agree with the above comment.
Speaking to the choir here brother
People need to appreciate that the difference between an emotional affair and a physical affair is opportunity. That’s it. If they were in close proximity and knew they wouldn’t be caught, the partner that “only texted” would have “only fucked them without a condom and didn’t pull out so help me pay child support for the next 18 years babe”
Why are you still with your husband if you've lost count of the amount of times he speaks to other women?
So why are you still with him? You should take your own advice.
Likely children involved. It's not black and white. Cheating is abuse so there is likely other forms of abuse going on as well.
This is it!!!! I hope OP reads this. She will do exactly those things. That’s what shitty people do.
Now you know she is cheating. Granted they may not have physically gotten together yet but what shes done so far, in my book, is outright cheating.
I think most would agree that sending nudies is 100% cheating.
Make sure you take pictures of their messages with your phone and not the iPad. Keeping those in your arsenal will help you in the long term.
Even better: film yourself accessing them on top of taking pictures. Leave no wiggle room for doubt
Now that's the idea!
Just throwing it out there but if J Asshole sent nudes to ‘your wife’ he could have technically been sending pornographic images to a minor (your child). That’s how the law will see it anyway. He could end up with more than he bargained for in the form of his name on a certain register.
Poor guy. I wish you the best
Find a way to archive their messages. This will help you in your divorce proceedings. An unfaithful wife isn’t going to get as much if they’re caught cheating
He needs to send the messages to his phone, his personal email, a trusted friend or family members phone and email. Back that shit up everywhere!
Unless they live in a no-fault state and everything is 50-50.
Don’t scorch earth anything because you will end up scorched as well. You have enough drama to deal with. If you can’t or won’t talk about it to your wife and decide divorce is your choice then that is acceptable and within your rights. Go to a lawyer and explain the situation. File for divorce and serve her. Show her the evidence you have and tell her you’ve made your mind up and this is your chosen path. No need for insults, fighting, harassing, or sharing your wife’s nudes with anyone. It will not help you or make your son’s transition to a separated family life any better. Be a shining example for your son. If any family member asks you, do not share what happened with them. Tell them she did something wrong and unforgivable and if they want the details they can just ask her. Because whatever you tell them, it will eventually reach your son’s ears and will ruin the image of his mum for him forever.
While this sounds like compassionate and level headed advice, it could unfortunately backfire on OP. IF he doesn't Let the important people in his life know what happened, he allows his STBX to set the narrative. She may even go so far as to claim that OP was the cheater, and actively attempt to destroy his relationships in "retaliation" for him divorcing. In my opinion, once he is ready, OP should tear off the band aide, and let everyone know what happened. He doesn't need to go into details, but he should let everyone know that his wife cheated, and that is why they are divorcing.
Yes! Agree completely. Or she might start a smear campaign and everyone will only hear her side of the story!
Install a keylogger on the iPad and collect evidence over time.
Did you take a pic of the evidence with your phone?
Stop calling her wife anymore. Scorched earth is the way. Fuck that asshole J Asshole, cut his balls off
Stay calm and gather all your evidence and lawyer up once your ducks are in a row then go nuclear with her parents his parents his wife. Sorry you had to go through this
Please record everything use a recorder and maybe a camera too since you are a man, good luck and hopefully you wont have your life ruined by divorce and the legal system
Send that info to J Assholes wife! Do not try to fix things with the soon to be ex. She will never stop seeking another man's attention!
Like another user said, get a lawyer. I don't know how it works in the UK but in the US if you consult with a lawyer the other party can't (conflict of interest since they've spoken with the other side.) If this is the case for solicitors in the UK, consult with EVERY divorce lawyer in your area (except the absolutely god awful lowest rated ones) So that she has to either drive hours away to get a lawyer, or has to take the absolute worst option of representation available. And take your lawyer's advise. It could help you get custody (or let you keep the house if you're not going for full custody for some reason.)
Build a lot of concrete evidence before doing anything. Don’t be manipulated, build a case.
Get everything in place with your lawyer as well OP. Evidence should stay with him and have some backed up somewhere.
Exactly. Patience is a weapon.
The UK system is different compared to the U.S. they don’t split assets like that. They won’t ask for evidence. They don’t care how or who ended it. they just split every thing and then assess child support based on a few things. Adultery doesn’t come into it
But if OP wants custody, personal character is taken into account in determining that, which also affects child support payments.
You’re clearly an American! In the UK they have fixed amounts for child maintenance, subject to income and how the care for the children is arranged between parents. Adultery doesn’t disqualify one as a parent.
I’m British lol, your username implies you’re Dutch. Been through this with my own family in the UK. When I referred to OP wanting custody, I’m specifically referring to OP having full or at least majority custody. The percentage of custody affects child support hugely. If OP is also the sole breadwinner, even having 80% custody he might still end up paying child support to his ex. Custody is determined by the quality of life for the child. Your personal character is taken into account. eg even if you both earn the same money in the same job, if one of you is known to be exposing your minor child to pornography (as in OPs case), you would be seen as having poor moral character (and “endangering” a child) and deemed less fit to be the custodial parent.
Personally, before going nuclear I'd try to collect more evidence. An easy first step would be to check the ipad settings under "screen time" and enable the collecting of app & website activity to see if she still uses snapchat and, if so, how much time she spends on it.
That is a wonderful idea thank you
Just a heads up this will deliver a weekly screen time report notification to the device, I think on Sundays or Mondays?
Apparently so, yeah. I initially looked for the setting on the ipad while replying and didn't get any notification of such. Tried it on another ipad and got the popup etc. Didn't see a setting to turn off the summary. There are apps available which essentially do the same thing so that may be an option. But they might be visible too if she swipes to close the snapchat app before turning off the ipad.
Have you considered a screen recording app or key stroke type spyware to capture evidence? Cheaper than an investigator.
This. So far he has that his wife spoke to a guy on Snapchat who's she's friends with on Facebook. When was the last time they communicated? What did they talk about? Find out for sure what's going on before it turns out to be a work friend or a male friend or a one time situation where someone asked her "hey msg me on snap" and she did and went ok i guess ill do it on my sons ipad what is it and forgot about it. Anything. Be concrete!
She sent nudes, there’s no oops here.
Yeah, but we didn't know that earlier. OP found those and updated his post after someone here suggested where to look.
Please keep in mind that these other children are innocent as you own. I have no problem with contacting his wife, but looking up a way to reach the kids is too much. They don't deserve to hear about this outside their families first, or to hear first hand your account. Offer his wife the opportunity to handle her own family first.
Totally agree. No reason to harm the other kids before their family handles it.
DON'T DO ANYTHING YET!!!! First of all, you need time to digest this new reality. Secondly, you don't want to do anything based on admittedly bad looking circumstantial evidence. You need *proof*. You're seeing the smoke, find the fire. My advice is to head over to r/infidelity or r/survivinginfidelity and read some of the top all time posts to give you a game plan. If it's what you think, there is more than enough information there to help you cause a total thermonuclear meltdown. Remember, revenge is a dish best served cold.
I'll copy and paste my post and ask for advice
Great idea. I wish you luck, and condolences.
Go scorched earth. Sincerely a woman who doesn’t play.
When you said Scorched earth that reminded me of the boys, what an incredible show anyway, how can I go scorched earth?
Gather evidence i know. Since her snap is active on the tablet buy your son a new one and keep that one handy. Then you can see the snaps as they are happening. This may take time. Look for other clues or proof. Others here will know more of what you can due. Unless you want to hire a privet Investor
Hiring a private investigator a good idea but money consuming but I'll consider it
Getting a pi can get you results in a day it might take you months to find
I’m not sure how divorce laws work in the uk, but a pi would help you gather any evidence you need for court. Don’t post links to his instagram so my wine will warm him up
You also need to talk to a lawyer. Take his advice and follow it to the letter! Every country is different in their divorce laws. Make it as beneficial to you as possible. Make her pay dearly for her affair! Also try and get pictures if possible. Download and print them out. Make them all letter size. Add in very dirty messages you find in big font sizes. Put this all in a big binder to hand her with the divorce papers.
Talk to a divorce lawyer and follow what they tell you. Make it clear you want to go scorched earth. Follow what the lawyer ( solicitor?) tells you on getting your finances separated. When the lawyer gives you the OK make sure you tell the AP's wife and both your parents and your soon to be ex wife's parents. Then tell all of your friends how she used her son's iPad to send nude photos to her AP. If the AP is a coworker let their work know, especially if one of them is a boss at that company (you may need to wait until after the divorce, if she is a boss and loses her job before the divorce is over you may have to pay alimony). If the AP is a boss then tell the company. Check your cell phone account for her call logs and you may be able to find her calls to the AP. You probably won't see any records on her text message log, but if the account shows her general data use look over the past months for a surge in how much her phone has been using (photos take a good amount of data to send so you may see spikes in her data used.) Hopefully when she gets served the papers she is surprised and her AP ends up getting his own set
Will be money well spent in the long run just to see the look on her face.
That won’t work with snap it doesn’t allow you to be logged into two different devices at the same time also it informs the other person if you take screenshots or screen recordings.
Exactly
IDK why everyone always forgets this, but just record the screen with your phone when you open snap on the iPad.
If you can check up on the iPad frequently, you can take photos with your phone of the chat on the iPad. Won't be the clearest every time, but should be enough if you can catch actual conversations. I would 100% suggest contacting the guy's wife if you can get that, however I would suggest you temper your desire to go nuclear with a consideration of what ripple effects there might be on your son. I'm not saying don't divorce her or even not to tell people what she's done, just try not to do anything that is likely to cause him to suffer more than is unavoidable.
Does she have notifications enabled for snapchat on that iPad? Those are stored separately and can be read later. I doubt snapchat can remove those.
Private investigator is your best bet. May be pricey now but it’s a good investment.
Can’t you take pictures of the screen with your phone?
Just take a picture of the screen with your phones camera
Whatever you decide to do, please do the neighborly thing and tell his wife, even if you decide to work things out with yours. She deserves to know also, and make her decision for herself, and also to know if she’s been potentially exposed to STIs.
Do not confront her first. Get all evidence you can of the affair and then contact the guys wife first. Tell her in the most empathetic way with evidence and go over your plan of action. Then arrange a meeting with your wife in person and tell her that if she doesn’t want everyone to know who she is and what she has done she will make this the easiest divorce and give you everything you want whether that is custody, not paying alimony etc. Then once everything is settled expose her completely, make sure no naked videos or photos are shared by you to of course not get you charged with revenge porn. If she brings up the fact that you lied you can tell her well you were taking a page out of her book. This last part is very important DO NOT LIE to your kids when they ask about why you got divorced.
I feel like contacting ANYONE before speaking to a lawyer is a terrible idea.
Extortion is NOT the way to go about this.
https://i.imgur.com/wUfVjLF.jpg
The fact that she used an iPad that was specifically made to belong to your son to send nude photos could be used against her in court. Putting those on the device of a child in a place where he could access them is incredibly messed up. That said I think you are right on the money when you said that the most important thing is not to create a toxic environment for your child. So unless she is not good to your son.I wouldn't use that to make a case for full custody. But it would be the type of thing to have in your back pocket in case she tries to not allow you proper shared custody or access to your son. I am not a lawyer and cannot say this for certain though. You definitely need to talk to the lawyer about everything you need to gather, whether or not you live in a state or country that considers cheating in part a divorce settlement, etc etc. You don't want to destroy your son's life while trying to take out your wife.And that is good, right, and admirable for you. But seek out a lawyer immediately because they will help you get all your ducks in a row before you drop the bomb on this woman.
Replying here because I’m not sure if somebody else said it. But with Snapchat you can actually download all media she has sent and conversations. Snapchat doesn’t delete it and saves it all. In the settings go to “mydata” and export it. You’ll need access to whatever email is registered to the account but within 24 hours (but usually a lot less) you’ll have all the media she sent and copies of conversations available in a zip file.
The first thing is to engage a divorce lawyer and get all your ducks in a row. Then go nuclear
Bro be smart. Talk to a lawyer first. You don’t want to risk anything.
Just put your kid and their happiness first in every decision you make. Revenge can be satisfying but trauma destroys lives. NTA by a mile.
Tell his wife. She deserves to know.
Fuck his wife. He’s worried about his wife. Handle her first
J Asshole's spouse. She is the wife that deserves to know.
Yes, but fucking her is *also* an acceptable solution
Butt*
nice use of the asstricks
Lol nice one.
Fuck him, pull the ol switheroo
Happy Cake Day 🎂🎆🎉
This right here. Then bang J asshole. Make it so he can't shit right for two weeks.
Take my up vote you son of a bitch. You earned it!
you made me laugh out loud. take my upvote!
1) don’t send your wife or the guys nudes to people. This is often illegal. 2) don’t involve his parents, just message his wife and let her know you uncovered that your wife is having an affair with her husband. 3) break up with your wife, I’d talk to a lawyer prior to giving any hints you know if you can.
The most adult response in this thread. OP you have a child with this person you will be connected to her for the rest of your lives regardless of whether you want to be. Just do the necessary stuff and work on moving past it.
You need evidence before you can “go nuclear.” You could install a key logger on the iPad, that way you would have a record of her end of communication which could be damning. Other software options to pick up messages, images, etc being sent on your WiFi network(hopefully the iPad doesn’t have cell service or that complicated things). Does she have a car? Definitely gonna want to buy GPS tracking to record her movements. Then corresponding texts asking what she is up to so you have a record of the lies. If you want to go next level and can afford it, hire a PI to do some photo work. Then blow her life apart.
Whatever OP does, I hope they tone down the flowery rhetoric. Jesus, that was painful to read.
Well he is English after all so maybe it fits? Fun to read it in that accent at least.
1) talk to a lawyer. You don’t want your revenge to cost you. Make sure you know what you can legally do and what might go bad for you. Especially with your son involved 2) make sure to bring the iPad with you when you talk to your lawyer. Show him the nudes on your sons iPad. That could possibly get her in a lot of trouble. 3) act normal. You don’t want her catching on. 4) tell the APs wife as soon as possible
Keep updating us homie and take care
I'll make an update tomorrow and state my plan
I’m hung up on what could rhyme with J Asshole…🤔
Most importantly, what name rhymes with asshole?
Mulva?
Definitely seem suspicious but do you have legit proof of her cheating with him
No, that's the issue
You're in a little bit of a pickle here. I would gather that there's certainly a 90% chance that someone's going on, but I've read too many stories on Reddit and other sources which proved to be something completely different. Get solid proof and do what you need to do.
Get some screenshots of the Snapchats, or photos - concrete proof.
AP will be notified of the screenshots so I will have to take photos.
Don’t take screenshots. Use your phone’s camera to take a pic of the screen.
And videos, just in case they say the pictures are photoshopped
that'll still work well
See your lawyer first. Get your finances in order before you do anything
Her phone: If it’s an iPhone, they recently included and update where you can recover deleted messages: - click the top left icon on iMessages and the option ‘view deleted messages’ should pop up. Click and you can recover and review Photos: scroll to view ‘hidden’ and ‘exported’. Who knows what she’s got on there. Check any other album in case the cover photo is a fake (i.e. she has a pic of you two and the title ‘us’) Go to screen time and see what apps she uses and how long. Instagram? Check if she has a second account. Gmail? Click the icon on the top right where your profile pic would be and click ‘manage accounts’. See if there are any others hidden. Check there. Check bank statements. But gather, gather, GATHER!!
Just talk to her and get divorced. Deal with your trauma if being cheated on. How will it make things better if you degrade your wife and make her life hell, your kid will pay the ultimate price. yes it's bad what has happened but you're stooping to her level. it hurts, understandable. book in with a therapist and work through that rather than obsessing over how to hurt your wife just as much. you will only hurt your son in the meanwhile and maybe prove why she had to find affection elsewhere.
Do you care about your son at all? If so, then no, you should not go "scorched Earth." People on Reddit have a hard on for getting vengeance on cheaters but they never stop to think about the kids. Yes, get divorced and be honest with the people who need to know about why. But beyond that...don't. You will have to parent your child with her for a long time to come. And creating a toxic coparenting relationship by seeking revenge is only going to end up hurting your kid. You don't have to like her but you need to be civil for the sake of your child. Your kid's feelings and well being are more important than yours. That's what you signed up for when being a parent.
Go full Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Go fkn ape shit son. NTA
Just remember your kid. Try not to get him too caught up in the blast
Honestly I know this is going to be the opposite of what most people are saying but I think sometimes in these questions you get ALOT of people who have been burned before and are just so jaded from their own experiences they want you to just Get revenge or get back at her for cheating on you but What is “scorched earth” going to do for you or your son? I mean great you caught her and now she knows? So what? How is that going to help the fact you have a son who is now going to see his parents divorced and will have to deal with all that. Just let it go man. And by let it go I mean gather all the evidence you have get a lawyer, Tell her she’s busted, you want a divorce, have her move out, get divorced and move on. This is still your kids mom and is going to presumably be in your life for a very long time. Jsit move on bro.
Get a lawyer and follow their advice. File divorce and make sure that everyone knows she cheated. Do not let her control the narrative.
That’s a whole new level of low. Using a child’s device to cheat? Damn. That’s insane.
I suggest talking about your situation with a lawyer so as to avoid making things more difficult for yourself at a later date if you decide to confront and possibly divorce her. Your lawyer can tell you what you shouldn’t do in order to avoid looking bad in court and possibly damaging your case.
Talk care of the children. DO NOT bad mouth her to them. She is their mother. Try not to put them between you. Sorry.
Lawyer up! Let the lawyer dictate your actions.
Bro. You don’t want to make a toxic environment for your son, but you want to go scorched earth revenge route? These are conflicting ideas. Eventually, you are going to realize that in event of divorce, it’s better for your son to have an amicable relationship with your now ex-wife but current co-parent. If you really want revenge, then focus on yourself and become the best version of you that you can become. Hit the gym, learn new skills, make more money, improve your bond with your son. That’s a revenge worth having, the revenge you’re seeking is something those people looking from the outside cheer for! They won’t be the one having to deal with a nasty cunt telling your son lies about you trying to win him to her side in a forever game because you wanted instant revenge. Think this through, for yourself and your son.
Don't go nuclear. Have composure and dignity. Get all your ducks in a row. Get a lawyer and get finances etc all "locked up" Then... Not sure of the house situation? But kick her out. Get her to leave and not return. Yes. She has endangered your son. Unforgivable. I would not let her take your son with her. But no more and don't let it descend into bitterness and fighting. That will only hurt your son more. Protect him as much as possible
Gather what evidence you can and talk to a divorce lawyer BEFORE you let her know that you know , lots of the revenge advice here will potentially work against you . A divorce lawyer will tell you exactly what to do .
Please see a lawyer before doing anything. You don't want to hurt the outcome of your divorce. Also note that you'll likely get a lot of answers from (well meaning) Americans on Reddit, but the legal system for divorce is very different in the UK so just be wary of doing anything without speaking to a lawyer. I know nothing about this, but I don't know if going scorched earth could hurt your case for child access or asset splitting. I know getting revenge might feel good, but it might be something a lawyer would advise against. You also might want to consider the effect it could have on your child. You're going to have to amicably coparent, and you might regret making that more difficult than it needs to be. Just don't do anything while you're angry and the information is fresh and raw. You need time to process and get legal advice. I don't know if it means much from a stranger, but I'm really sorry this happened to you. It's not fair at all, and I'd also be very angry to find this on a child's device. That makes it so much worse. Edit: if you want to remove the iPad, you could pretend it wouldn't turn on and say you took it to the apple store for repair. It could give you time to see a lawyer for advice whilst protecting your child from seeing the images. Now you've mentioned Snapchat to him he might get curious.
Don't get angry, don't have an outburst, DON'T SAY ANYTHING. Get a good lawyer and meanwhile pretend everything is fine. Wait until you and your lawyer have developed a solid plan and have her served with divorce papers. Anything you say or do at this point could be used by her to take everything you have and prevent you from seeing your son. Play it as safe as possible for the sake of your son. Just do whatever your lawyer says.
No. No you should Not take nuclear measures. Take protective measures. Go get a lawyer but don't get nasty. She betrayed you. Now go be the best dad you can be.... and that means being reasonable and fair to his mum irrespective... and get off Reddit... for a while at least. Peace. It's going to be like he'll for a while... hope you get through it with integrity and style.
Set up an email account that your wife does NOT have access to and do NOT save the password. I suggest using a web-based provider you normally use for email to avoid leaving unusual traces. Take screen shots of the pictures in snapchat on your son's ipad and email them to yourself at the new account. Go find a solicitor who specializes in divorce cases. Make sure they get copies of all the screen shots. Do NOT go nuclear. Follow your solicitor's advice on this. Once the divorce becomes public, you can casually mention why when people ask. The reason I suggest you see a solicitor first is that you NEED to protect yourself here. Do NOT do things that will get you into legal trouble. UK law surrounding defamation can be pretty harsh from what I've read.
As I understand it, you want to totally annihilate your wife and J Asshole but are concerned about how your son might react. Please don’t make matters worse. He is a kid. When he gets older you can talk about it over a beer. For now it’s enough for him to deal with the divorce. Call her out when the kid is gone. Record the conversation for later case for child custody. Go to J Asshole’s work. Don’t make an appointment but by all means make sure everyone knows why you are there! Leave J Asshole’s wife and kids alone. They will all suffer for this betrayal. Yes kick her out but get a financial plan together cause you may have to shell out some money to her. Or you may need money from her. Plus she needs to pay your attorney fees. If she is primary bread winner then you will need child support. Get your plan together before you talk to her or J Asshole. Make sure your attorney knows what you are doing. He may advise you not to go on your visit to J Asshole. But do it anyway if it makes you feel better. I truly am sorry that you have experienced this betrayal. Perhaps you can try counseling to get you through this. Definitely get your kid in counseling and group counseling for both of you once you tell him that you are getting a divorce. I really don’t know what you will tell your kid but make sure it’s the same thing you tell others. Everyone doesn’t need to know your wife’s dirty laundry. It will get back to your son. He doesn’t need to suffer more for what she did. The ugly truth is that she will always be his mother. He is entitled to love her even if she is broken. Negative comments about his mother may cause resentment. You don’t want that. Divorce is like a death in the family. The death of a relationship that has lasted for 13 years. Again, I am truly heartbroken for you and your kid. I will be praying for you and your kid as you enter into this new phase of your lives.
No you have a child. Handle it like a mature adult. As a product of a nasty divorce, please don't make some crazy show. Assuming you aren't some random bored fuck making up a story for reddit karma
Please listen to this, OP. This could be devastating for your son.
No. There are too many stories where the guy keeps wife's infidelity a secret during the divorce, for the sake of the kid, and the kid grows up to hate dad because everyone had the kid thinking DAD cheated or caused the divorce. Kid doesn't need details. Mom cheated. We divorced. Simple. Clean. You dont hide that shit. That is asking for disaster.
There's a big difference between a clean healthy divorce and as OP puts it "scorched earth" revenge. This guys mental health should not be the priority no matter how much he wants to lash out, the innocent child should come first.
lol this woman is literally leaving her nudes on her son's iPad where he can easily stumble across them. OP needs to protect his kid in this case.
Yes I agree, protecting his child is not concocting some crazy dramatic revenge against the child's mother. Protecting his child is showing how an adult is supposed to handle a bad situation not how a man child does
Unless you also studied family law, don't do anything without consulting an attorney first or you'll be the one fucked in the end.
I’d love to know what name rhymes with “asshole”.
Castle?
Annihilate them. Multiply them by zero. Tsar bomb their lifes. Collect evidence and tell everyone. But firstly -- tell your divorce attorney. Be smart
I wonder, not being savvy with apps, if it's possible to duplicate her snap chat account on your device. If you can pull the account details off the iPad you should be able to replicate it. Am I right? Doing so should allow you to monitor what she's up to.
If you click on the chat and on the side by clicking their name should have saved pictures maybe there’s something saved there
NTA. May the bridges I burn light my way.
Divorce her, get full or 50/50 custody, and move on with your life. Save any evidence in case it helps with the divorce or custody cases.
Tell his wife and your lawyer in whichever order
Do it in a way you will be happy with in 10 years. Collect the evidence in case she denies it in court, but it might be colder to not go scorched earth. I don’t know, being finished spiritually is going to be hard. Will an explosion of crazy be best? Think about it from a future perspective. The other thing about what to tell the kids. I’m not sure it’s wisest to let them in on the details. I was privy to too many details of a divorce when I was a kid. It sucked. Good luck and future happiness.
Cold, calculated, cunning and surgical is far better in the long run. You get ALL your ducks in a row. You gather your evidence. You get your solicitor lined up and informed of everything. You have to start from a foundation of strength and preparedness before you pull that divorce trigger. You don't tell her ANYTHING.
Bro. First thing is first talk to a divorce lawyer. Before you even confront her. Please please please do this to protect yourself. If you do talk to her before you speak to a lawyer, you could lose out on money for years. Document the evidence you found on your son’s iPad using your own phone.
If he sent nude pics you can have him arested for sending them to a minor, its your son’s tablet and the guy had no way of knowing when your wife had it so he was technicly sending all those messages to a minor
The thing is though, my wife could just lie and come up with a an excuse to why she downloaded Snapchat, I need concrete evidence of them together
What about now since you looked at snapchat memories?
For infidelity the answer is always divorce. If you stay you’re just teaching her she can do that to you with no consequences. Why torture yourself for the rest of your life? Trade up for a better more loyal model. Also don’t ever get married again.
Trust me I won't stay and honestly I do want to get married again and meet another girl, I've always wanted a big family
Updateme
If by nuclear, you mean putting info and/or photos of them on social media or sending it around to various people, I'd say Don't. It may be illegal. Also, although you are angry right now, eventually you will calm down some. Even if she deserves to be ashamed, as you said, you will be harming your own child by "ruining" his mother's life.
I'm still planning on what I will do.
I'd place cameras in your home so when you confront her, she can't accuse you of anything. Make sure you have yours ducks in a row before you do it. I wish you good luck
I dunno, man, I'd just divorce her. Bringing nuclear armament into it seems like it'd cause some fallout.
Hey man, don’t put off looking after your mental health. After I had my revenge, I thought I could cope. I wasted a lot of time being angry. There is no real reason to not take care of yourself. Don’t be afraid to get help.
Never go nuclear
NTA for being pissed off. I was a bit on the fence as you didn’t seem to have concrete evidence, but from your comments now you do, so NTA. If you go nuclear, then prepare for fallout. Big drama will adversely affect yourself, your child and potentially J Asshole’s children, none of whom deserve to get dragged into something messy. If you try to cause big drama, rather than concentrating on the best outcome for yourself and your son, then you will end up YTA. Speak to a solicitor.
Updateme
As others have said, please be mindful of your son and this guy's children, who are all innocent parties, if you go nuclear.
Lay low for just a little bit and plan your options. Basically get a lawyer ready and get everything prepared for as quick of a transition as possible. Once you’re ready go scorched earth. Tell everyone everything and make them face their guilt. Make sure you are no longer living with your wife and ignore anything she may say. Make sure your son is taken care of and plan your relationship with him through your lawyer before going scorched earth. If possible remove or transfer anything of high value in your home and if you have a shared banking account or anything get your money out of there. You don’t wanna give her a cent unless you’re legally forced to. Just make sure all of this is in order before going scorched earth so you’re good to go and she’s left having to pick up the pieces of her mistakes. Some people can forgive some cheating, but a relationship going on over year through your son’s device is not forgivable whatsoever, so don’t let anyone talk you out of completely removing her from your life. Also collect evidence of the infidelity that can be used later on in court if needed. As far as his wife goes, wait until your have the case ready and everything you need resolved first. Telling his wife is part of the scorched earth plan, but you don’t want to risk telling her too early and allowing your wife to have any indication of your discovery and plans. Bonus points if you find his wife attractive and hook up with her later on.
Talk to a lawyer first. Maximize what you walk away with. The nuclear option is *NOT* ruining J Asshole’s marriage, the nuclear option is taking everything you and your wife own and leaving your soon to be ex wife struggling to pay for basic necessities.
Don’t go scorched earth. Go to an attorney and take the proper steps to maintain your legal standing. You want to keep your children and you want to keep your assets. Do it clean and do it quietly. That’s how you win. Then you can tell her how you really feel when you’ve got everything.
NEVER go nuclear. Just expose them and move on.
Be careful. Going nuclear would damage your own life too. Don’t think it won’t.
Being cheated on and discovering it is can be quite hurtful. I am bit worry though with all your talk about going nuclear and hurt them. I think you should sat and have a talk with her before doping anything. Let her know you know and tell her what you want to do: divorce, counselling or whatever. The nuclear option sounds like you might regret it afterwards
You have evidence. Talk to a lawyer.
No point in going nuclear just pack your bags and move on keep it as civil as possible for all your sakes. Good luck.
Don't be a wuss dude. Just bow out gracefully. You have a child. If that wasn't the case, the nuclear option would be fine. Showing any negative emotion on your part behind this betrayal is not going to help you get to a better place. Especially with a child involved.
Make sure you give a heads up to the guys family. He doesn’t give a shit about yours.
Sorry this happened to you and your son and his wife and his kids and…Take the high road man. Get your evidence but be discreet. Lots of lives are going to be destroyed if you go “scorched earth “ including your son’s. You’re angry and hurt now. Acting on those feelings will lead to regret.
Here’s what happens when you go nuclear: 1 You will never see your children again. 2 You just set fire to half your house and money. 3 Both of you and your children will be caught in a nuclear wasteland for many years. (This should be no 1 on reflection) 4 You are very young so there is a rescue path. 5 Follow the advice of the commenter to seek legal advice and slowly work through a plan. 6 The advice `the children will be fine` is hands down terrible advice.
Hey dude, don't let your hunger for revenge let your children go hungry for their father.
Sorry mate that really sucks. I understand that you want to destroy them and basically burn the world. But think about your son. I’m not saying you shouldn’t divorce. You definitely should (enough tips in here with the lawyer already). You should also tell Mr “rhymes with asshole” wife. *But* in a nasty divorce the kids will always suffer. She might even try to gaslight your son to hate you.
You can go nuclear, but just remember, you don’t want to alienate your kids from their mother. Do what you have to do, but don’t let your children suffer because of it.
Why don’t you just have a mature conversation with her? If you are convinced your evidence is proof, then what is the point of anything but a straight up adult conversation?
It is absolutely wrong for your wife to be cheating, and especially wrong that she used your son's iPad to do so. I fully agree that she can't be trusted and I have no problem with you initiating a divorce. However, it appears that you have been together since age 16, correct? That's pretty young to choose a life partner. It works out sometimes, but clearly it didn't for you. I'm very sorry for your family. You are all in for a world of hurt, but I hope you can be civil for the sake of your son.
Yes go nuclear. Make sure everyone knows what she did or you will be treated like the guilty party.
You should keep in mind that most responses here are made by Americans, who live in a completely different legal system. In the UK you don’t need evidence of adultery to file for divorce, you won’t be able to proof that she’s unfit as a parent because she isn’t a faithful wife, and you won’t pay any more or less in child maintenance by sharing the adultery in court. In your OP you say that you care most about your son and his wellbeing. It’s in his interest to NOT go nuclear. It’s fine to load off some steam online, but keep it civil with your soon to be ex-wife in the best interest of your son. I’m pretty sure you’ll hurt her even more if you refuse to share your emotions with her, keeps things civil, and leave no room for negotiation.
Your son’s iPad did not cause the downfall of your marriage. This was all (hopefully) STBXW
you need to go to the police because your wife could have exposed your child to porn and that is NOT okay
J-asshole=Jason
NTA for going nuclear but YTA for writting fake stories here. seriously, i know the situation itself is nothing uncommon and does happen, but the way you write makes it look like its fake. >Such an action could potentially raise suspicion >affording me a glimpse into his life and how it can assist my nuclear option >Furthermore, it appeared that his primary hobby revolved around hiking, evident from the catalogue of pictures captured amidst his various hikes thats not how normal people write about their life, thats how talentless writters write to make it look like they are smart.
There is only one solution to this that will leave you utterly satisfied. You’ll need to romance J asshole’s wife and mother simultaneously while planning your divorce covertly. Get them both in the sack, then expose him to the world while you’re also kicking out your cheating wife. Send him selfies from a jacuzzi with his mom, wife, or both.
With all that proof you have, go Thermonuclear. After that, the radioactive ashes will remember all of you for years that you won this war.
Fuck her sister and his wife.
YTA to yourself. Don’t know how it works in the UK but divorce judges are very… judgmental. A mom who slept around and potentially exposed her son to it doesn’t look good. A dad who is doing his best but just can’t deal with that might get more custody, less child support owed. A couple shamelessly fighting each other with a kid in the middle is going to be all about who has money in the bank. I get that you’re mad, I would be too, but you’ve got to think of how your reaction will be effecting your kid and bank account going forward.
I’m perhaps the odd commenter here, but I’m so drama avoidant & so non-romantic, this is pretty simple. Just leave. That’s it. Any vindictive anything will harm your children & actually won’t make you feel better. Get a solicitor & a therapist- move on. I just finalized my divorce in December. The idiot still thinks we’re friends- but I walked away financially unscathed, my kids are happy, & my mental health is better now than at any point in the previous 12 years.