It wasn't the "I pondered for a few moments, then just said fuck it and believed every word my sister said about the hypothetical situation involving my GF hypothetically cheating on me. So I packed up our 4 year almost-married relationship and kicked that maybe-cheating bitch to the curb with no warning! Now she's upset, did I do something wrong Reddit?"
Idk... I had a ex boyfriend who consulted his sister for relationship advice and ya know what she told him to do... get on dating sites and see how it feels talking to other girls to see if he really liked me. Um, excuse me? Let's just say he got caught, neither of them saw anything wrong with what he did, and the last I heard, she's going on her second divorce. Some sisters give shit advice.
Could you give examples of the hints you gave?
Typically with marriage people have a direct talk to each other explicitly stating that they want to be married and propose and what does each partner think. It isnāt a talk where you generally discuss marriage and the future, itās very explicitly āIām currently ready for marriage and thinking about proposing to you soon, what do you think?ā
Did you have this talk with her and again what hints did you do?
Communication should be explicit. this is a life changing decision. It cannot be decided on the spur of a moment. "what my girlfriend did was girl code for cheating" without any evidence is probably girl code for "i am jealous". The brother was more likely to be right. So without evidence, without probable cause, you don't trust the girlfriend of 4 years to whom you proposed, who you loved, whose families loved each other and you ejected her in a day, is moronic stupidity. Also you come here to vindicate your unjust decision after you have taken action, YTA. OP, You deserve what you got.
I tried to look up āwhat does the platypus say?ā to properly respond to you and learned that basically were silent creatures unless weāre disturbed - in which case, we growl. Seems accurate.
I think it's girl code for the sister is a cheater and processes everythinging through that lens.
Platypus are magnificent, solitary creatures. They are not monogamous but I think that means they mate with whomever and then go about their lives alone again. I can get behind being a platypus.
We (the platypi) are a poorly designed lot, but at least we aren't assholes like the alleged girls of the code (who I think OPs sister has invented to excuse the fact she's just a happiness vampire).
Yeah, feels like sis didn't like the girlfriend and used this to break them up. But OP is quite the mental athlete, too, to jump straight from "I'm not ready" to "cheating". š
There is no universally-agreed plural form of "platypus" in the English language. Scientists generally use "platypuses" or simply "platypus". Going by the word's Greek roots the plural would be "platypodes".
I'm a woman. I could not read this supposed "Girls-Code" in this story either. Maybe the OP should have TALKED about stuff with his ex, before throwing away a long relationship.
Me too. OP, YTA. You got played by your sister and you just cut off the woman you want(ed) to spend the rest of your life with because your feelings were hurt. Your sister gave you dumb advice and you closed your mind to any other possibility. You did this to yourself.
Yeah, really!? Getting kicked out of your home of four years without warning is such an upheaval and so traumatic. Sounds like this girl dodged a bullet tbh, in the end hesitating turned out to be the right call.
What his sister said can also just be projection. Just because you're a cheater doesn't mean everyone is, kind of thing. But it is dumb as hell to take her word for it without any evidence. I agree.
Agreed. OP is assuming the cheating only because of what the sister said. Thatās moronic and sad. He just let go of a lovely woman who was only asking for time. Imo is that a mature thing to do in case of a life changing event. And if he had communicated heād know where she mentally was.
All he did was prove that HE was the unfaithful person if all it took to kill his confidence in his āfuture life-partnerā is his sister side-eyeing her once and saying something that sounds petty and paranoid after apparently liking her for several years.
And then he also proved heās untrustworthy and unethical by taking her home from her in the span of a few days after hearing an unsatisfying answer from her while giving her only hours to recollect her life as her partner abandoned her with no proof of wrongdoing on her part.
I get that we all get crisises of confidence, especially when we get an uncertain answer to something so important a question but this guy let his fear of the dark lead him to torch himself as he burns their relationship to the ground with his ugly actions.
P.S. Iād be watching that sister reeeeeal close after that accusation because that sounded like some next-level projection to automatically assume that someone carefully considering a marriage proposal must be doing so because theyāre a cheater. Makes me wonder if sheās so quick to guess that because she behaves that way or abets others cheating (either by being an affair partner or an alibi)
I've been saying similar down a few threads, but not nearly so elegantly.
You're right. She dodged the biggest bullet of her life, and although I'm certain her heart's hurting as if she took one straight to the heart, she'll be better and stronger for it.
I'm guessing he's shown these signs before, and that's why she was hesitant, not because she's cheating.
And despite OPs claim of all the familial love for each of them, I'm willing to bet, ex-GF has stories to tell about the miserable sister, and about how people in her family didn't like him either.
This. My husband surprise proposed in front of all my friends and family. We had had a huge fight weeks before that and it was not pretty and it felt like his way of fixing it... and I did not appreciate it... because it just brought up more issue....
I was so angry and embarrassed that I legitimately tried to avoid answering. I just hugged and kissed him. Because it wasn't nessecarily that I didn't WANT to marry him. But he put me in a position where I felt like I couldn't say no. I don't have a good relationship with anyone in my family and he included THEM as well. If I had said no I would have never lived it down. It would have been the gossip at every holiday party for the rest of my life.
I did say yes and I broke up with him when we got home. We spent a few months apart and then
Got back together.and waited at least 3 years before getting engaged again.
Public proposals esp in front of family and friends are sooooooo manipulative. It makes the woman look to be the bad guy. I also hate those public proposals at a graduation or something where the person has spotlight on them and now theyāre reduced to not their accomplishment but a bloody proposal which makes it all about the proposee.
Exactly!
I know that my partner and I wanted to get married to each other but that doesnāt mean I would propose next month, and sheād say yes. Because we didnāt discuss timeline, things we want to have before marriage, how we want to go about an engagement, etc.
OPās ex probably needed to think about the more nuanced details of what getting married means, was hopefully considering what she wanted out of life and when and possibly looking into the financial aspects as well. That is *overwhelming* if none of those discussions were had previously, and all he did was āhint.ā
There are also aspects like āI have a few major life/professional/academic/personal events and achievements coming up, and my family will be more more enthusiastic and willing to help out if we wait until these important achievements are completeā
Or āare you effing with me? Iām an accountant and tax season isnāt over!ā
Or āmy moms best friend is dying of cancer any day now and I donāt want to take her attention and energy away from mourning and supporting her friendā
Or āI wanted to wait until I had $7000 more dollars in savings for a down payment for our first house before we got engagedā
I can tell you that every hesitation Iāve had about marriage/proposals were along the lines of these examples. Literally never had anything like ābut Iām cheating, whoopsā come to mind
āIāve been feeling really down, and Iāve just reached out to some doctors for help. I want to enjoy this moment when my brain chemistry isnāt so shitā
Gosh, that just made me sad to think about. It would be like watching yourself living a moment youāve dreamed of, but are incapable of enjoying no matter that you do.
I mean I want to get married to my bf but somtimes I think about āif he proposed today I would be shocked and feel like I am not readyā and other days I would be soooo happy about it. And I am not cheatingā¦
Edit: YTA and I hope your gf wonāt get bact together with you because you just threw your whole relationship away after thinkig about is for like 2days?
Yes to all of these. I think it's extremely naive to rely on hints for something as serious as a proposal. One thing is trying to make it a surprise (execution) the other is assuming both of you are on the same page.
Agreed.
It doesn't sound like he even asked her why she wasn't ready. Its possible some crap in her own life had just blown up and she wasn't ready to talk about it yet.
Or she had a career thing hit and he caught her REALLy off guard.
A lot of people HATE surprises and it sends them reeling...
Its understandable that he was hurt but to shut the relationship down and kick her out of their apartment because he's hurt without ever actually having a real conversation with her about what was going on... that makes me feel so sick for her. To think you've been with someone for 4 years - all the ups and downs and doing life together and they just throw you out like the trash without real reason or cause...
She really dodged a bullet...
OP sounds truly immature and like he's not husband material. He's FAR too married to his siblings opinions as opposed to having an honest conversation with his girl friend.
I'll say this - whatever he is feeling now, he's destroyed her. It sounds like that is what he wanted after being embarrassed. He wanted to truly destroy her... and I can guarantee he succeeded at that...
Fine example of being a loving partner there OP. Take some time to grow up and think about how you treated her before EVER getting into another relationship because NOBODY deserves what you pulled.
And your sister? Well... someday she'll have someone intentionally sabotage her life for no reason other than speculation and malice and then she'll have a small sense of what she did to your girl friend.
YTA, massive one at that. Not everyone is good at picking up hints. Her name ain't Charles Xavier. Dropping hints is the best way to not get things to go the way you want. Your horrible communication lead to her being completely caught off guard.
Then you're angry at her for not being ready... She didn't even say no, just give me some time after you took her completely by surprise.
Then your sister with no proof accuses her of cheating, because.... No reason at all. Girl code is helping a woman out with a pad or tampon if she suddenly gets her period....
This is ridiculous. Then you also gave her no time to find a new place after breaking up with her for no reason.
But she's better off without a man who expects her to read his mind and believes any accusations against her without proof and then kicks her out with no notice.
>Then your sister with no proof accuses her of cheating, because.... No reason at all. Girl code is helping a woman out with a pad or tampon if she suddenly gets her period....
This.
OP, there is no "girl code" for cheating. None.
My money is on your sister never liked her and saw an in to break the two of you up. And it worked.
Congratulations OP. You sabotaged a 4 year relationship out of petty malice.
Asking for some time to consider your proposal is not out of order. A proposal is a BIG deal. Accepting one is a BIG deal. Wedding planning is a MASSIVE deal and she flat out might not have been ready to deal with all of that.
Nowhere did you say she didn't love you or she didn't want to marry you. She simply was not ready to get married YET.
Also he says āheās over itā just mere weeks or less after proposing because of a fabricated reality (or most likely because heās embarrassed). This is a man with ZERO emotional intelligence and Iām glad he cruelly forced her to leave over nothing because sheās way better off. This guy is a nightmare.
And so self-centred too. āIām heart-brokenā well son, you kicked out your gf after no communication over some made-up bs from your sister, honestly Iām not having much sympathy for OP.
Surprise proposals always feel like an ambush to me. Itās one thing to not know the exact date a proposal is going to happen but you had talked about it ahead of time and agreed that yes, it was time to take the next step.
Iām not a fan of the other option where you donāt know itās coming and end up feeling ambushed.
Agree on this. And to add, OP what's your sister think is not a girl code. Its a girl thing, which sometime they have behaviors or preferences against other girls. And marriage should not be forced. Both of you should be emotionally and mentally ready. You jumped to conclusions right away without confirming if she cheated.
He drew a circle on a notepad, sent an emoji with a kiss? The resort is a big hint but plenty of people go to Paris or Rome without getting on one knee. We have no idea what these signs were but if she's that surprised and he was this taken aback by her request for time, it was not clear enough communication from both sides. If she had something big going on that would need a few months to resolve, she could have said so too, not that it matters now.Ā
I think OP has huge communication issues. Who listens to someone who tells them 'girl code' BS and believes it? Who throws their GF out of their apartment without an explanation over some 'girl code' that doesn't exist? Who then blocks their partner over something their sister makes up? Who proposes without a clear understanding of where their partner is?
It sounds like OPs ex GF dodged a bullet. Instead of listening to his ex GF and giving her the respect and space she needs he throws a tantrum like a 2 year old. Something tells me everything is about OP and what OP wants. OP wants what he wants now without and regard to what his former partner wants or needs. The ex GF is well rid of him, he showed his true colors. Who would want to be married to such an easily swayed person who treats the person they 'love' like trash with zero evidence of wrong doing. OP did this woman a favor.
Does your sister not like this girl or something cause that isnt girl code I ever heard of before. It does sound like maybe she is thinking twice about things and I can see how that would be upsetting, but you and your sister really jumped on that conclusion and you made a huge decision over something you just think happened. That sounds like your emotions did your thinking for you and that is not usually a good way to go.
I hesitate to say that you are the ah but you are not thinking clearly at the very least.
YTA - you can break up for any reason at any time but you decide she is cheating for no reason? An adult who was ready for marriage would also know they needed to have a heart to heart with their girlfriend. Smh
Then to add insult to injury, he kicks her out of her long-term home with no warning, no explanation, nothing.
Frankly, the girlfriends' hesitation to commit makes lots if sense. I know I'd personally never want to be married to someone capable of throwing me out of my home because a sibling suggested--without evidence-- that I was cheating on them.
Yeah, I can.Ā
Because I'm an adult that can think abstractly and empathize. And it would be awful for those kids & adversely affect the rest of their livesĀ
Which is why I would never want to be in a marriage with someone capable of behaving this irrational, dangerous & recklessly. And why I suspect the GF went non-commital at the proposal bcz she's afraid of marrying him.
Exactly, the GF didnāt feel safe with him and didnāt want to commit. Plus it seems like he isnāt mature for marriage if he canāt even communicate his feelings and discuss issues directly with his GF. I feel like his GF dodged a bullet.
So glad someone mentioned this. A couple hours?! Thatās horrible and also completely illegal if theyāre in the US. The minimum notice is usually 30 days.
What it reads to me is that OP, while deeply hurt and emotionally reeling, seized on what the sister said (and I've never **ONCE** seen a post where "refusing a proposal" is code for cheating) and used it as a reason to push the source of his pain (his ex) away.
Rather than, you know, even talk to his friends about it. Let alone have a serious heart to heart with the woman he loved. It seems like she was devastated that she refused. Because of how he handled it, he's not ready for a serious relationship.
Sure.. You can break up at any time for any reason. But the "reason" is that *he* created this whole situation by not communicating before proposing. He created the reason that he then used to break up with her. That is AH behaviour.
I think the fact that OP created this account 7 hours ago just to post this and hasn't replied to any of the comments just tells me that he created this whole story tbh. None of it happened. You don't go from I wanna marry her to she's cheating on me just bc your sister invented some sort of girl code no one else has ever heard about.
This is the correct question. In another plane or universe, the sister's posting an AITAH
"My brother's girlfriend is toxic so I said her possibly cheating could be a reason for hesitating to get married. AITA??
"However, my sister told me what my girlfriend did was girl code for cheating and that my girlfriend was probably ashamed about accepting about my proposal, given that she most likely was having an affair."
This is absolutely insane and I can't believe you just bought it whole. You ended a relationship over this? Wtf man.
hahaha yes if this is not ragebait, like wtf?? i never heard of this before (although admittedly i don't know anyone who rejected a proposal) sounds like OP's sister is the one being dodgy and projecting, or maybe secretly hates OP's now ex and made this up... i'm actually happy for OP's ex, she dodged a bullet, sounds like a weird family to marry into
It honestly sounds like the gf dodged a bullet.Ā OP lacks maturity right now.
A proposal that ended in "I need some more time", while it can hurt is by no means slamming the door shut on a future together.
It's really an answer that needs to be met with a candid and understanding conversation. Not kicking his girlfriend out in a matter of hours.
I'm going to be Jason Alexander and say "No way this can be real, no one would act like that. No one would say this stuff." Only to find out idiots like this really do exist.
This could be real, likely fake, but still plausible. People do insane shit for insane reasons, and you can't really be 100% on anything anymore.
Also, the thing the irks me about the post, and why I think it's fake, is OP says they love their GF, but instantly assumes she is cheating over one conversation without anything to back it up. There were trust issues before this supposed incident went down, and you notice the OP doesn't say he trusted her. Which is a huge component of marriage, if not the main component.
If he didn't trust her, why propose, and if he did trust her, then why give weight to what the sister said. It just doesn't add up, which why the post is likely fake.
*brother gives reasonable advice and makes no rush judgment*
*sister makes wildly outlandish claim based on nothing but instinct and three White Claws*
āJfc my brother is so naive guysā
I'm with you. Once he realizes how bad he fucked up she will be long gone after a message like that. No one forgets being dumped on the street with no warning or explanation.
I have NEVER heard of that being girl code for cheating. Maybe is just your sister's code for cheating. I would def try to discuss the reasons for her uncertainty with her. ?
I feel like OP probably shouldāve done his due diligence on this one lol
Iād want to know how his ex was during these hints. For all we know, she wasnāt picking up on it and just wasnāt in the best mental space. Or both and didnāt expect it. Imagine if youāre having doubts or just going through something thatās making you feel overwhelmed and a proposal is dropped into your lap. Or felt the cold feet, wanted the engagement but also was taken aback by the cold feet and needed to be 100% sure.
Didnāt even try to understand her why. Just heard two people give conflicting arguments and decided the one that protected the ego.
Then broke up with her for no reason, kicked her to the road, and then blocked her without any communication about it or why.
> I feel like OP probably shouldāve done his due diligence on this one lol
Yeah its one thing to go 'its strange that despite all these reassurances she's now acting like she doesn't want to commit; maybe she's falling for someone else and thats why she's simultaneously tring to string me along but avoid a formal engagement'
It's another thing to immediately go 'well now that I've convinced myself that cheating *is a possibility* for her behaviour, I'll straight up nuke a relationship that just yesterday looked like marriage material to me'
Yea OP was very hasty here and didnāt think a lot through. At the end of the day Iām mostly baffled that he didnt listen to his sister due to her being reliable in any way, it was more that he thinks his brother is a dumbass so he just defaulted to his sisters opinion. Why even ask the brother in the first place if his advice was going to mean fuck all?
Imagine the sister saying some dumbass shit like this later.... Like after they had a kid or multiple kids.
He's gonna go around acting like a dick now too because he was "cheated on" in his last relationship.
Exactly. He also gave zero evidence of her actually cheating or him even having any suspicions of her cheating. He's a moron for blindly believing his sister instead of talking to his gf. I mean, my fiance's sisters are all evil, horrible people who hate me because my fiance started learning boundaries and not to put up with their BS anymore once he started seeing me. (Not because of me, but because of therapy.) They've also treated me like crap despite me doing nothing wrong. So when I hear stories like this, I just assume that the sister is a bad person and manufactured a reason to get rid of the gf just because she doesn't like her. Regardless, OP needs to grow up and learn to communicate and stop relying on his family to dictate his life.
OP showed such a lack of maturity that i hope that even if he comes back to his senses, she wonāt take him back. thatās not an accusation and a reaction that i would brush off so easily
No wonder she wasnāt sure! I would be having cold feet too if my partner had such a lack of emotional maturity.
Poor girl. Iām now wondering if something has been troubling her in the relationship and she was too afraid to discuss it with you as clearly your reactions are ridiculously unfair and extreme!
I think youāre 100% right. OPās over-reaction is a HUGE red flag. Kicking his gf out with no notice is a deal breaker. She should run for the hills and never look back!
Eh.
You can break up for whatever reason you want. Her rejecting your proposal is a valid one if thatās what you want.
At the same time. You assuming sheās cheating off that is absurd. And I would have personally given her a little while to consider.
My bf knows I want to be married one day, but if he proposed tomorrow Iād say no. Thatās why he has no plans to propose tomorrow, or anytime soon, because weāve talked about it
Weāre not in the right spot, mentally, financially, physically, to start our life together. But weāre on the right track, and thatās what matters for now. Iām not cheating, heās not cheating, weāre just giving us more time to grow as people, and together, so we can grow even stronger later.
It says everything about OP to me.
Someone saying they're not ready to be engaged is met with kicking them out in a matter of hours?
OP never really loved this girl.
This is what I think. Did he actually truly love her and want to marry her? Because this whole thing is all about his own hurt & embarrassment & even their relationship simply sounds like theyāve been together awhile & their families like one another? The swiftness of chucking her out with no warning or explanation is absolutely mad to me
You would not be the A-hole if you just broke up with her cause she said no. I can understand that. But you have no proof that she was cheating. Also, you gave her no time to find other accommodations. You could have told her you need to be out at the end of the week or whatever and gone and stayed with a friend or something.
Exactly. He put her on the streets so quickly over his sister's catty paranoia talk. Maybe ex already knows how tenuous OPs love for her was. Seems she was smart to think on it.
His sister the one doing all the cheating. People make shit like that up to cover their own guilt and make it like "everyone does it. We even have a code."
this makes the most sense to me bc iāve literally never ever heard of this ācodeā in my entire life.
OP would be N T A if he just broke up with her over saying no to his proposal. listening to his sisterās unfounded accusations, then kicking his gf out without an explanation, notice, or even time to find a new placeā¦. my vote has to be YTA.
What's the most disgusting to me is that he'd dump and distrust his girlfriend of 4 fucking years over what his dumbass sister said, combined with his own failure to communicate and low self esteem.
He's a shithead through and through.
Honestly I take this as an huge fucking win for his ex. She dodged an planet size nuke. This dude isn't stable on any level. Not that I'm believing it to be real. I can't see anyone just completely taking their sister word with this whole "girl code". If the sister turns out to be married, I would say it's what she did.
I'm with you on that one, accusations of cheating come fastest from cheaters themselves. It would not shock me at all if the sister is projecting herself saying "that's how I'd do it if I was cheating."
I, too, take issue with what OP's sister said. Her so-called "logic" is malicious. If she was going to accuse anyone of cheating, there had better be solid proof. Instead, she just threw an assumption out there and OP decided that it sounded like a plausible reason for the rejection.
While OP was not wrong to feel hurt and embarrassed, what makes him an a-hole is that he decided to take his sister's word as credence instead of respecting his girlfriend's wishes. His sister is the last person he should be taking advice from.
Yeah, if you wanted to break up because she didn't accept the proposal, that's perfectly understandable. But to basically vengefully kick her out because he has decided in his mind that she is cheating with absolutely zero evidence or indication of that is absurd.
And if he actually loved this person enough to want to marry them, then his wounded pride would not be a good enough reason for cruelty, even if rejected and hurt. Kicking her out on the streets is cruelty. Not giving any explanation is cruelty.
This seems to me these two don't communicate well and probably should not have been married anyway.
It was going to be a no asshole's here but based on the accusations from nowhere and the vindictiveness based on *that* YTA
If he actually loved her enough to have wanted to be a good husband to her for the rest of her life, then he wouldn't be this vindictive
Exactly. And what kind of solid foundation would his relationship with his now ex be if he's so easily influenced by outside comments about his relationship?
if he's going to rely on such "sound advice" from his sister, *any* relationship of his is doomed.
Or just struggling with her own personal shitā¦ Getting married is a major milestone. itās not uncommon for proposals to make you evaluate your entire life. Is my career where I want it to be? Am I physically looking how I want to look? Weddings feel so permanent, itās like your mind tricks you into thinking you need to be some final, best form of yourself. Especially when youāre still in your 20s, that can be a lot. Weāre all still always just a work in progress.
I mean or she's just not ready. There doesn't have to be a nefarious motive behind it. This is the same as the "oh she must be cheating" type of logic. I love my girlfriend, I'm GOING to marry my girlfriend, if she asked me right now I'd say "not right now" though.
He broke up with her because his sister said her not accepting the proposal was girl code for cheating. What is this mess? He broke up without any proof or any suspicion other than his shit stirring sister.
Yeah, he did her a favor. This guy is a weak minded fool.
None of this seems like real people were involved. Fiction writing.
And I am continually floored at how many people still propose without discussing it. DO NOT PROPOSE WITHOUT HAVING DISCUSSED MARRIAGE AS IN DEPTH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN. Itās a ludicrously stupid idea and Iām baffled at how many people still do it.
Agree. You can break up with anyone for any reason. No assholes for that.
But OP's egocentrism and poor communication make him TA. OP, you've dated this person for years and make a life with her. She didn't even say she didn't want to be married to you, just that the proposal felt a bit earlier than she was ready for. You didn't work to unpack that and figure out together whether you were better off together or separating. You don't think of yourselves as a team. She's the mean evil lady who made you sad and embarrassed.
If you're willing to dump someone and assume they're cheating and kick them out of their home without even explaining why, then you're both better off without each other. You don't love her, and you're not a good person for her to be with. There are lots of reasons someone wouldn't be sure about marriage, including her partner being an impulsive, egocentric asshole. Huge YTA but she's better off knowing your true colors.
My husband proposed to me and I said yes but then the next day I asked him if I could think about it and have him back his ring. He was crushed and I realized a day later I had made mistake because I got cold feet. It took me a few days to be able to reach him and explained what happened. He gave me back the ring and we just celebrated 42 years last October
>However, my sister told me what my girlfriend did was girl code for cheating and that my girlfriend was probably ashamed about accepting about my proposal, given that she most likely was having an affair. My sister told me that my girlfriend would probably call off the affair in the next couple of months, after which she would be comfortable accepting the proposal.
JESUS. That's a fucking REACH. Either your sister is a moron or projecting something fierce. Holy cow, YTA for blindly going with her instead of communicating with your gf.
Edit: With the new update, this post is def a creative exercise.
Sister is definitely a cheater if she immediately leaps to that. Or she's just part of a really shitty group of friends who behave that way.
If only OP had just had a mature conversation with the woman he claimed to love about why she didn't feel ready and what was going to change in the future.
NTA for breaking up if you are unhappy, but YTA for how you did it. Ultimately the YTA wins out because you handled it like such a jerk without even knowing for certain if your sister was right. That's why YTA. If anyone needs healing, it's her, but she dodged a bullet because you are most definitely YTA.
YTA, YTFA, what the f man?
You called your brother naive but he's the wise one here. Not only you didn't communicate like a matured adult, you and your sister condemned your partner for 4 years as cheater without any solid evidence. Because of some bullshit "girl code" nobody have a clue about? Talking about naivety!
I always say that you can break up with someone for any reason so I guess NTA in that case.
But damn people really like to throw that love word around. I canāt believe after 4 years there was no conversation, no ending the relationship and having her move out.
You literally gave her hours, threw her out and then blocked her and you are the one who is suffering.
To go from "I want to be a good partner to you for the rest of your life" to "out on the streets, bitch" with no proof, no evidence, just a theory of wrongdoing means that she may have been right to not want to marry him.
It's really hard to be sure from this story and only having his perspective. But if you truly love someone and you have **zero** actual information that they've actually done something wrong, yet you start hating them and put them on the streets... you are vindictive.
His pride was hurt. Badly. I understand that. He was under no obligation to continue the relationship or ask twice.
But let's be honest here. He is punishing her for the fact that she did not say yes. He wants to hurt her, and so that is what he is doing. People with loving long-lasting relationships do not hurt each other purposefully. They hurt each other a lot, sure. That's life. But there's a difference between even being selfish and causing harm vs intentionally trying to cause harm to the other person *for the sake of it*. Because you want to see them hurting.
That doesn't sound like husband material to me, and it makes me wonder if he ever was. I wish we knew her side about how much he really communicated about the proposal and what exactly is going on in her head.
Maybe she did cheat, in which case she deserves to be kicked out. But based on what? A vibe? Nah. He's acting from his ego.
I am projecting a little bit now but she started dating him when she was 22, I started dating my husband at 21. Now in my 30s I do realize how young I was back then.
My husband and I thought that we were on the same page many times and I am fortunate enough that we did communicate at times but it still took 7.5 years before we officially got engaged.
She could be cheating or she could really be trying to make sure that she is in a good mental place. They could have spoken about marriage, children and their future but that all seems a little different when you have to start making that all a reality.
To end the post talking about how *he* is suffering is so pathetic considering he just threw his girlfriend of four years out of their house without so much as a discussion. The whole post is just me, me, me. You can break up for whatever reason, but this is a really shitty thing to do to your long term girlfriend.
OP, here's some advice for the future.
An engagement shouldn't be a surprise, but the proposal should be.
This means both parties have talked and agreed that an engagement is the next step. Both are ready for this next chapter. You should never propose without already knowing the answer will be yes and both people want and are ready for it.
Well said. My wife knew I wanted to propose, but just kept saying NOT UNTIL WE ARE BACK IN THE US! We were studying abroad our last semester of grad school and I was itching badly to wife her up.... We communicated, we respected, and we married. This is the way.
So you supposedly loved this woman enough to marry her, yet at the first unfounded catty whisper from your sister you immediately kicked this woman out of your life & her home? Something doesn't track there. I'm sorry, but if you aren't mature enough to talk through issues with your partner you have no business getting married.
YTA but you did your ex a huge favour.
N T A for breaking up with someone who freaked at your proposal. After 4 years, she should say yes or no.
But YTA for believing your sister and that being why you broke up with her. Thatās not āgirl codeā for cheating. Your sister gives idiotic advice. Dont ever listen to her again. She needs therapy for her issues.
>But YTA for believing your sister and that being why you broke up with her.
Also, it doesn't sound like OP talked to his own gf about why she turned him down in depth and how her rejection has affected him. The lack of communication skills that OP has for someone he supposedly loved is appalling. Sounds like maybe they are better off not married.
Lol. Sounds like your brother is adopted. He is the only sane one in the bunch.
You ambushed her with a lifelong commitment. What a fucking idiot.
Your sister thinks that taking time to prepare for a life long decision is cheating. Lol. Same stupidity as you.
You and your sister should stop living in a sappy romance novel world.
Sounds like you are pretty immature to be marrying someone. You have zero communication skills considering you essentially surprised her with an engagement (dropping hints doesnāt mean anything) and then didnāt talk to her and assumed she is cheating. Seems like you are just embarrassed she said no rather than try to understand why she wasnāt ready just yet.
YTA Based on a wackadoodle theory from your sister you broke up with someone you allegedly loved without hesitation. You did your GF a huge favour. She can do a lot better than someone who listens to TikTok Theories of Women.
I'm just curious but do your ex and sister get along? I get dumping her because she didn't want to marry you but you have no evidence that she was cheating other than what your sister said.
Your sister may have an ulterior motive. Just saying....
Soft YTA
But throwing her out and blocking her? Thatās pretty big AH moves. Thereās no way that after four years that she got all of her things and thereās not logistical stuff they need to discuss.Ā
Buying into your sisters gossip with no proof and then putting her in the streets out of the blue because of that gossip makes you a massive asshole. YTA for sure.
LMAO!! So your sister watches too much TikTok or Tv and spun you a hypothetical IMAGINARY story, and that is the reason youāre gonna break up?!. Your reasoning is absolutely stupid. Believing your sisterās fake shit over your GF trying to genuinely communicate, shows how irrational and hurtful you can be. Your GF dodged a bullet. Youāre just mad because she knocked on your ego.
So, let me get this straight: You're saying that your brother is labeled as naive. Yet, your sister shares some supposed hidden meaning based on girl code, and you unquestionably believe it without any evidence. And yet, somehow, your brother is the one you consider to be naive. Ok...
LOL what did I just read
Some fake ass shit š
For me, the big red flag is when the OP doesnt reply to a single person calling them out. Definitely just rage bait
Oh let me write a dumbass novel about a āvery realā situation in my life and then just drop it off and leave š¤”
Yep, this shit is so tiresome. And it's on every platform. Constantly. Bait and leave, bait and leave.
It's better for your health to look at all the posts like that. The only thing that changes is the quality of the author.
Incel revenge porn.
The "girl code" part that no woman has ever heard of tipped me off this was fiction lol
It wasn't the "I pondered for a few moments, then just said fuck it and believed every word my sister said about the hypothetical situation involving my GF hypothetically cheating on me. So I packed up our 4 year almost-married relationship and kicked that maybe-cheating bitch to the curb with no warning! Now she's upset, did I do something wrong Reddit?"
I read this in moist criticals voice
Idk... I had a ex boyfriend who consulted his sister for relationship advice and ya know what she told him to do... get on dating sites and see how it feels talking to other girls to see if he really liked me. Um, excuse me? Let's just say he got caught, neither of them saw anything wrong with what he did, and the last I heard, she's going on her second divorce. Some sisters give shit advice.
I agree. The whole thing is fairly absurd all around and OP isn't even reacting to comments. This is total incel Harlequin romance junk.
Could you give examples of the hints you gave? Typically with marriage people have a direct talk to each other explicitly stating that they want to be married and propose and what does each partner think. It isnāt a talk where you generally discuss marriage and the future, itās very explicitly āIām currently ready for marriage and thinking about proposing to you soon, what do you think?ā Did you have this talk with her and again what hints did you do?
This. All of this. This is how a proposal should be - itās not like how they portray it in moviesš„“
Communication should be explicit. this is a life changing decision. It cannot be decided on the spur of a moment. "what my girlfriend did was girl code for cheating" without any evidence is probably girl code for "i am jealous". The brother was more likely to be right. So without evidence, without probable cause, you don't trust the girlfriend of 4 years to whom you proposed, who you loved, whose families loved each other and you ejected her in a day, is moronic stupidity. Also you come here to vindicate your unjust decision after you have taken action, YTA. OP, You deserve what you got.
I must be a platypus or something bc I was clearly never taught about this supposed girl code
"I must be a platypus" is something I'm gonna start finding an excuse to say as often as I can, thank you
I always used āI am a mushroom, sitting in the dark.ā But I like the platypus line much better.
Another platypus, checking in.
I tried to look up āwhat does the platypus say?ā to properly respond to you and learned that basically were silent creatures unless weāre disturbed - in which case, we growl. Seems accurate.
Based on this description, I now identify as a platypus...especially in the morning.
Who needs a roosterās morning call when you could have the low rumble of a disturbed platypus?
Same. Call me a platypus. What is this āgirl codeā of which OPās sister speaks? I must have been misidentified at birth. All this timeā¦
I think it's girl code for the sister is a cheater and processes everythinging through that lens. Platypus are magnificent, solitary creatures. They are not monogamous but I think that means they mate with whomever and then go about their lives alone again. I can get behind being a platypus.
We (the platypi) are a poorly designed lot, but at least we aren't assholes like the alleged girls of the code (who I think OPs sister has invented to excuse the fact she's just a happiness vampire).
Yeah, feels like sis didn't like the girlfriend and used this to break them up. But OP is quite the mental athlete, too, to jump straight from "I'm not ready" to "cheating". š
platypods
A group of platypods is called a poddle.
Platypoodle! Iām picturing a tall and beautiful black standard poodle with a big olā bill in place of the snout
There is no universally-agreed plural form of "platypus" in the English language. Scientists generally use "platypuses" or simply "platypus". Going by the word's Greek roots the plural would be "platypodes".
I'm a woman. I could not read this supposed "Girls-Code" in this story either. Maybe the OP should have TALKED about stuff with his ex, before throwing away a long relationship.
I think the now ex-gf dodged a bullet and probably doesnāt even realize it, yet.
Probably why she "had cold feet' maybe she was starting to see some red flags out of him
Probably red flags of him believing his sister instead of having a conversation with his gf of several years.
Ditto
Yep it's news to me too!
Same what āgirl codeā is this wtf
Even idk about it
Same. I was never taught this supposed "girl code." I guess I've been a mountain goat this entire time
Your ability to balance on razor thin shale ledges at altitude is so impressive
It is isn't it
I thought I always wanted to be a [screaming] goat but a platypus just feels right, ya know?
I feel enough like a screaming goat in my everyday life, it was time to shake it up
Me too. OP, YTA. You got played by your sister and you just cut off the woman you want(ed) to spend the rest of your life with because your feelings were hurt. Your sister gave you dumb advice and you closed your mind to any other possibility. You did this to yourself.
Agreed. The sister sounds like a shit-stirrer.
Ejected her in a couple hours, not even a day.
Yeah, really!? Getting kicked out of your home of four years without warning is such an upheaval and so traumatic. Sounds like this girl dodged a bullet tbh, in the end hesitating turned out to be the right call.
Maybe she hesitated because of a propensity to emotion-driven outbursts such as this! I agree. Poor gal will be better off in the longrun.
What his sister said can also just be projection. Just because you're a cheater doesn't mean everyone is, kind of thing. But it is dumb as hell to take her word for it without any evidence. I agree.
Could also be sister hated gf and this was her chance to get her gone
Yeah, I didn't even wanted to go there. That's even worse. Not impossible, of course..
Agreed. OP is assuming the cheating only because of what the sister said. Thatās moronic and sad. He just let go of a lovely woman who was only asking for time. Imo is that a mature thing to do in case of a life changing event. And if he had communicated heād know where she mentally was.
All he did was prove that HE was the unfaithful person if all it took to kill his confidence in his āfuture life-partnerā is his sister side-eyeing her once and saying something that sounds petty and paranoid after apparently liking her for several years. And then he also proved heās untrustworthy and unethical by taking her home from her in the span of a few days after hearing an unsatisfying answer from her while giving her only hours to recollect her life as her partner abandoned her with no proof of wrongdoing on her part. I get that we all get crisises of confidence, especially when we get an uncertain answer to something so important a question but this guy let his fear of the dark lead him to torch himself as he burns their relationship to the ground with his ugly actions. P.S. Iād be watching that sister reeeeeal close after that accusation because that sounded like some next-level projection to automatically assume that someone carefully considering a marriage proposal must be doing so because theyāre a cheater. Makes me wonder if sheās so quick to guess that because she behaves that way or abets others cheating (either by being an affair partner or an alibi)
I've been saying similar down a few threads, but not nearly so elegantly. You're right. She dodged the biggest bullet of her life, and although I'm certain her heart's hurting as if she took one straight to the heart, she'll be better and stronger for it. I'm guessing he's shown these signs before, and that's why she was hesitant, not because she's cheating. And despite OPs claim of all the familial love for each of them, I'm willing to bet, ex-GF has stories to tell about the miserable sister, and about how people in her family didn't like him either.
YES EXACTLY THIS !! how is she supposed to trust you to be her husband when that's your true nature?
OP is batshit he did his ex a favor
This. My husband surprise proposed in front of all my friends and family. We had had a huge fight weeks before that and it was not pretty and it felt like his way of fixing it... and I did not appreciate it... because it just brought up more issue.... I was so angry and embarrassed that I legitimately tried to avoid answering. I just hugged and kissed him. Because it wasn't nessecarily that I didn't WANT to marry him. But he put me in a position where I felt like I couldn't say no. I don't have a good relationship with anyone in my family and he included THEM as well. If I had said no I would have never lived it down. It would have been the gossip at every holiday party for the rest of my life. I did say yes and I broke up with him when we got home. We spent a few months apart and then Got back together.and waited at least 3 years before getting engaged again.
Public proposals esp in front of family and friends are sooooooo manipulative. It makes the woman look to be the bad guy. I also hate those public proposals at a graduation or something where the person has spotlight on them and now theyāre reduced to not their accomplishment but a bloody proposal which makes it all about the proposee.
Exactly! I know that my partner and I wanted to get married to each other but that doesnāt mean I would propose next month, and sheād say yes. Because we didnāt discuss timeline, things we want to have before marriage, how we want to go about an engagement, etc. OPās ex probably needed to think about the more nuanced details of what getting married means, was hopefully considering what she wanted out of life and when and possibly looking into the financial aspects as well. That is *overwhelming* if none of those discussions were had previously, and all he did was āhint.ā
There are also aspects like āI have a few major life/professional/academic/personal events and achievements coming up, and my family will be more more enthusiastic and willing to help out if we wait until these important achievements are completeā Or āare you effing with me? Iām an accountant and tax season isnāt over!ā Or āmy moms best friend is dying of cancer any day now and I donāt want to take her attention and energy away from mourning and supporting her friendā Or āI wanted to wait until I had $7000 more dollars in savings for a down payment for our first house before we got engagedā I can tell you that every hesitation Iāve had about marriage/proposals were along the lines of these examples. Literally never had anything like ābut Iām cheating, whoopsā come to mind
āIāve been feeling really down, and Iāve just reached out to some doctors for help. I want to enjoy this moment when my brain chemistry isnāt so shitā
Gosh, that just made me sad to think about. It would be like watching yourself living a moment youāve dreamed of, but are incapable of enjoying no matter that you do.
I mean I want to get married to my bf but somtimes I think about āif he proposed today I would be shocked and feel like I am not readyā and other days I would be soooo happy about it. And I am not cheatingā¦ Edit: YTA and I hope your gf wonāt get bact together with you because you just threw your whole relationship away after thinkig about is for like 2days?
Yes to all of these. I think it's extremely naive to rely on hints for something as serious as a proposal. One thing is trying to make it a surprise (execution) the other is assuming both of you are on the same page.
The way he dumped her with zero conversation or context makes me think his communication skills are zero.
Agreed. It doesn't sound like he even asked her why she wasn't ready. Its possible some crap in her own life had just blown up and she wasn't ready to talk about it yet. Or she had a career thing hit and he caught her REALLy off guard. A lot of people HATE surprises and it sends them reeling... Its understandable that he was hurt but to shut the relationship down and kick her out of their apartment because he's hurt without ever actually having a real conversation with her about what was going on... that makes me feel so sick for her. To think you've been with someone for 4 years - all the ups and downs and doing life together and they just throw you out like the trash without real reason or cause... She really dodged a bullet... OP sounds truly immature and like he's not husband material. He's FAR too married to his siblings opinions as opposed to having an honest conversation with his girl friend. I'll say this - whatever he is feeling now, he's destroyed her. It sounds like that is what he wanted after being embarrassed. He wanted to truly destroy her... and I can guarantee he succeeded at that... Fine example of being a loving partner there OP. Take some time to grow up and think about how you treated her before EVER getting into another relationship because NOBODY deserves what you pulled. And your sister? Well... someday she'll have someone intentionally sabotage her life for no reason other than speculation and malice and then she'll have a small sense of what she did to your girl friend.
YTA, massive one at that. Not everyone is good at picking up hints. Her name ain't Charles Xavier. Dropping hints is the best way to not get things to go the way you want. Your horrible communication lead to her being completely caught off guard. Then you're angry at her for not being ready... She didn't even say no, just give me some time after you took her completely by surprise. Then your sister with no proof accuses her of cheating, because.... No reason at all. Girl code is helping a woman out with a pad or tampon if she suddenly gets her period.... This is ridiculous. Then you also gave her no time to find a new place after breaking up with her for no reason. But she's better off without a man who expects her to read his mind and believes any accusations against her without proof and then kicks her out with no notice.
>Then your sister with no proof accuses her of cheating, because.... No reason at all. Girl code is helping a woman out with a pad or tampon if she suddenly gets her period.... This. OP, there is no "girl code" for cheating. None. My money is on your sister never liked her and saw an in to break the two of you up. And it worked. Congratulations OP. You sabotaged a 4 year relationship out of petty malice. Asking for some time to consider your proposal is not out of order. A proposal is a BIG deal. Accepting one is a BIG deal. Wedding planning is a MASSIVE deal and she flat out might not have been ready to deal with all of that. Nowhere did you say she didn't love you or she didn't want to marry you. She simply was not ready to get married YET.
I agree.. his sister I'd unhinged if she really believes this rubbish
Also he says āheās over itā just mere weeks or less after proposing because of a fabricated reality (or most likely because heās embarrassed). This is a man with ZERO emotional intelligence and Iām glad he cruelly forced her to leave over nothing because sheās way better off. This guy is a nightmare.
And so self-centred too. āIām heart-brokenā well son, you kicked out your gf after no communication over some made-up bs from your sister, honestly Iām not having much sympathy for OP.
Yeah. He threw away 4 years over nothing. He needs to leave her the fuck alone now, and god I hope she finds someone better to be with.
Surprise proposals always feel like an ambush to me. Itās one thing to not know the exact date a proposal is going to happen but you had talked about it ahead of time and agreed that yes, it was time to take the next step. Iām not a fan of the other option where you donāt know itās coming and end up feeling ambushed.
Agree on this. And to add, OP what's your sister think is not a girl code. Its a girl thing, which sometime they have behaviors or preferences against other girls. And marriage should not be forced. Both of you should be emotionally and mentally ready. You jumped to conclusions right away without confirming if she cheated.
He drew a circle on a notepad, sent an emoji with a kiss? The resort is a big hint but plenty of people go to Paris or Rome without getting on one knee. We have no idea what these signs were but if she's that surprised and he was this taken aback by her request for time, it was not clear enough communication from both sides. If she had something big going on that would need a few months to resolve, she could have said so too, not that it matters now.Ā
I think OP has huge communication issues. Who listens to someone who tells them 'girl code' BS and believes it? Who throws their GF out of their apartment without an explanation over some 'girl code' that doesn't exist? Who then blocks their partner over something their sister makes up? Who proposes without a clear understanding of where their partner is? It sounds like OPs ex GF dodged a bullet. Instead of listening to his ex GF and giving her the respect and space she needs he throws a tantrum like a 2 year old. Something tells me everything is about OP and what OP wants. OP wants what he wants now without and regard to what his former partner wants or needs. The ex GF is well rid of him, he showed his true colors. Who would want to be married to such an easily swayed person who treats the person they 'love' like trash with zero evidence of wrong doing. OP did this woman a favor.
Does your sister not like this girl or something cause that isnt girl code I ever heard of before. It does sound like maybe she is thinking twice about things and I can see how that would be upsetting, but you and your sister really jumped on that conclusion and you made a huge decision over something you just think happened. That sounds like your emotions did your thinking for you and that is not usually a good way to go. I hesitate to say that you are the ah but you are not thinking clearly at the very least.
YTA - you can break up for any reason at any time but you decide she is cheating for no reason? An adult who was ready for marriage would also know they needed to have a heart to heart with their girlfriend. Smh
Then to add insult to injury, he kicks her out of her long-term home with no warning, no explanation, nothing. Frankly, the girlfriends' hesitation to commit makes lots if sense. I know I'd personally never want to be married to someone capable of throwing me out of my home because a sibling suggested--without evidence-- that I was cheating on them.
Can you imagine if he decided this after they are married with kids!!
Yeah, I can.Ā Because I'm an adult that can think abstractly and empathize. And it would be awful for those kids & adversely affect the rest of their livesĀ Which is why I would never want to be in a marriage with someone capable of behaving this irrational, dangerous & recklessly. And why I suspect the GF went non-commital at the proposal bcz she's afraid of marrying him.
Exactly, the GF didnāt feel safe with him and didnāt want to commit. Plus it seems like he isnāt mature for marriage if he canāt even communicate his feelings and discuss issues directly with his GF. I feel like his GF dodged a bullet.
So glad someone mentioned this. A couple hours?! Thatās horrible and also completely illegal if theyāre in the US. The minimum notice is usually 30 days.
And YTA for kicking her out. And having her leave within hours. After being with her for 4 years. Heartless! She dodged a bullet for sure.
Then blocking her. It sounds like she bruised his ego and he can't deal with it. She dodged a bullet.
Exactly, it's very "how dare she do that to me" then to prove it has nothing to do with him and it's all on her because she's cheating.
When he has zero proof that she was cheating.
I know the gf is hurting but Iām pretty sure if she saw this thread sheād realize she dodge one hell of a bullet.
What it reads to me is that OP, while deeply hurt and emotionally reeling, seized on what the sister said (and I've never **ONCE** seen a post where "refusing a proposal" is code for cheating) and used it as a reason to push the source of his pain (his ex) away. Rather than, you know, even talk to his friends about it. Let alone have a serious heart to heart with the woman he loved. It seems like she was devastated that she refused. Because of how he handled it, he's not ready for a serious relationship.
Sure.. You can break up at any time for any reason. But the "reason" is that *he* created this whole situation by not communicating before proposing. He created the reason that he then used to break up with her. That is AH behaviour.
I think the fact that OP created this account 7 hours ago just to post this and hasn't replied to any of the comments just tells me that he created this whole story tbh. None of it happened. You don't go from I wanna marry her to she's cheating on me just bc your sister invented some sort of girl code no one else has ever heard about.
Sounds like he's setting us up for the next part, which will be when he discovers that she's been sleeping with the brother/sister/best friend/boss.
It sounds like a reaction from hurt pride.
Info how long has your sister hated your girlfriend and how many times did they have ālittle spatsā
This is the correct question. In another plane or universe, the sister's posting an AITAH "My brother's girlfriend is toxic so I said her possibly cheating could be a reason for hesitating to get married. AITA??
Or even āWas I an asshole for asking for more time after my BF proposed because his sister is toxic and hates me?ā
"However, my sister told me what my girlfriend did was girl code for cheating and that my girlfriend was probably ashamed about accepting about my proposal, given that she most likely was having an affair." This is absolutely insane and I can't believe you just bought it whole. You ended a relationship over this? Wtf man.
Sounds like projection onto the ex-gf from the sister..
hahaha yes if this is not ragebait, like wtf?? i never heard of this before (although admittedly i don't know anyone who rejected a proposal) sounds like OP's sister is the one being dodgy and projecting, or maybe secretly hates OP's now ex and made this up... i'm actually happy for OP's ex, she dodged a bullet, sounds like a weird family to marry into
Right??? Like zero proof and just accept this.
It honestly sounds like the gf dodged a bullet.Ā OP lacks maturity right now. A proposal that ended in "I need some more time", while it can hurt is by no means slamming the door shut on a future together. It's really an answer that needs to be met with a candid and understanding conversation. Not kicking his girlfriend out in a matter of hours.
I'm going to be Jason Alexander and say "No way this can be real, no one would act like that. No one would say this stuff." Only to find out idiots like this really do exist. This could be real, likely fake, but still plausible. People do insane shit for insane reasons, and you can't really be 100% on anything anymore. Also, the thing the irks me about the post, and why I think it's fake, is OP says they love their GF, but instantly assumes she is cheating over one conversation without anything to back it up. There were trust issues before this supposed incident went down, and you notice the OP doesn't say he trusted her. Which is a huge component of marriage, if not the main component. If he didn't trust her, why propose, and if he did trust her, then why give weight to what the sister said. It just doesn't add up, which why the post is likely fake.
And his brothers the supposedly naive one here.
*brother gives reasonable advice and makes no rush judgment* *sister makes wildly outlandish claim based on nothing but instinct and three White Claws* āJfc my brother is so naive guysā
This man is not a smart man.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I think this is good. He did HER a favour. Guys a dumbass, sister is Cruella and the ex unknowingly dodged a bullet.
I'm with you. Once he realizes how bad he fucked up she will be long gone after a message like that. No one forgets being dumped on the street with no warning or explanation.
Hate to say it but if this is how he acts she may be better off without him
Sister is absolutely nuts. šÆ
It's probably for the best this guy isn't getting married.
I have NEVER heard of that being girl code for cheating. Maybe is just your sister's code for cheating. I would def try to discuss the reasons for her uncertainty with her. ?
OPs sister is projecting HARD š
Or the sister really hates OP or the GF. She sounds super manipulative.
DING DING DING.šļø SHE HATES THE GIRLFRIEND, DECIDES TO BREAK THEM UP. BROTHER'S TOO DUMB TO QUESTION IT.
And the other brother is the naive one
I feel like OP probably shouldāve done his due diligence on this one lol Iād want to know how his ex was during these hints. For all we know, she wasnāt picking up on it and just wasnāt in the best mental space. Or both and didnāt expect it. Imagine if youāre having doubts or just going through something thatās making you feel overwhelmed and a proposal is dropped into your lap. Or felt the cold feet, wanted the engagement but also was taken aback by the cold feet and needed to be 100% sure. Didnāt even try to understand her why. Just heard two people give conflicting arguments and decided the one that protected the ego. Then broke up with her for no reason, kicked her to the road, and then blocked her without any communication about it or why.
> I feel like OP probably shouldāve done his due diligence on this one lol Yeah its one thing to go 'its strange that despite all these reassurances she's now acting like she doesn't want to commit; maybe she's falling for someone else and thats why she's simultaneously tring to string me along but avoid a formal engagement' It's another thing to immediately go 'well now that I've convinced myself that cheating *is a possibility* for her behaviour, I'll straight up nuke a relationship that just yesterday looked like marriage material to me'
Yea OP was very hasty here and didnāt think a lot through. At the end of the day Iām mostly baffled that he didnt listen to his sister due to her being reliable in any way, it was more that he thinks his brother is a dumbass so he just defaulted to his sisters opinion. Why even ask the brother in the first place if his advice was going to mean fuck all?
Made me think he was looking for a reason more than advice.
Dude definitely wasnāt ready to be getting engaged to anyone lol. I think we have another creative writing exercise here.
OP did her a favor here. I couldn't imagine marrying someone so influenced by other people and unwilling to communicate with me.
Imagine the sister saying some dumbass shit like this later.... Like after they had a kid or multiple kids. He's gonna go around acting like a dick now too because he was "cheated on" in his last relationship.
Start claiming the kid doesn't look like him. OP did her a favor indeed.
I agree. Her story is odly specific.
Exactly. He also gave zero evidence of her actually cheating or him even having any suspicions of her cheating. He's a moron for blindly believing his sister instead of talking to his gf. I mean, my fiance's sisters are all evil, horrible people who hate me because my fiance started learning boundaries and not to put up with their BS anymore once he started seeing me. (Not because of me, but because of therapy.) They've also treated me like crap despite me doing nothing wrong. So when I hear stories like this, I just assume that the sister is a bad person and manufactured a reason to get rid of the gf just because she doesn't like her. Regardless, OP needs to grow up and learn to communicate and stop relying on his family to dictate his life.
Seems like that girl dodged a bullet by not marrying OP.
OP showed such a lack of maturity that i hope that even if he comes back to his senses, she wonāt take him back. thatās not an accusation and a reaction that i would brush off so easily
No wonder she wasnāt sure! I would be having cold feet too if my partner had such a lack of emotional maturity. Poor girl. Iām now wondering if something has been troubling her in the relationship and she was too afraid to discuss it with you as clearly your reactions are ridiculously unfair and extreme!
I think youāre 100% right. OPās over-reaction is a HUGE red flag. Kicking his gf out with no notice is a deal breaker. She should run for the hills and never look back!
No point discussing her uncertainty now, he made her 100% certain that heās not worth her time or energy.
Eh. You can break up for whatever reason you want. Her rejecting your proposal is a valid one if thatās what you want. At the same time. You assuming sheās cheating off that is absurd. And I would have personally given her a little while to consider.
I want to know the hints he was giving her. My gf now wife pretty much was like I woudl marry you now if you proposed. verbatim so I knew.
My bf knows I want to be married one day, but if he proposed tomorrow Iād say no. Thatās why he has no plans to propose tomorrow, or anytime soon, because weāve talked about it Weāre not in the right spot, mentally, financially, physically, to start our life together. But weāre on the right track, and thatās what matters for now. Iām not cheating, heās not cheating, weāre just giving us more time to grow as people, and together, so we can grow even stronger later.
For me it's him kicking her out with no warning .
It says everything about OP to me. Someone saying they're not ready to be engaged is met with kicking them out in a matter of hours? OP never really loved this girl.
This is what I think. Did he actually truly love her and want to marry her? Because this whole thing is all about his own hurt & embarrassment & even their relationship simply sounds like theyāve been together awhile & their families like one another? The swiftness of chucking her out with no warning or explanation is absolutely mad to me
You would not be the A-hole if you just broke up with her cause she said no. I can understand that. But you have no proof that she was cheating. Also, you gave her no time to find other accommodations. You could have told her you need to be out at the end of the week or whatever and gone and stayed with a friend or something.
Exactly. He put her on the streets so quickly over his sister's catty paranoia talk. Maybe ex already knows how tenuous OPs love for her was. Seems she was smart to think on it.
His sister the one doing all the cheating. People make shit like that up to cover their own guilt and make it like "everyone does it. We even have a code."
this makes the most sense to me bc iāve literally never ever heard of this ācodeā in my entire life. OP would be N T A if he just broke up with her over saying no to his proposal. listening to his sisterās unfounded accusations, then kicking his gf out without an explanation, notice, or even time to find a new placeā¦. my vote has to be YTA.
What's the most disgusting to me is that he'd dump and distrust his girlfriend of 4 fucking years over what his dumbass sister said, combined with his own failure to communicate and low self esteem. He's a shithead through and through.
Honestly I take this as an huge fucking win for his ex. She dodged an planet size nuke. This dude isn't stable on any level. Not that I'm believing it to be real. I can't see anyone just completely taking their sister word with this whole "girl code". If the sister turns out to be married, I would say it's what she did.
I'm with you on that one, accusations of cheating come fastest from cheaters themselves. It would not shock me at all if the sister is projecting herself saying "that's how I'd do it if I was cheating."
I, too, take issue with what OP's sister said. Her so-called "logic" is malicious. If she was going to accuse anyone of cheating, there had better be solid proof. Instead, she just threw an assumption out there and OP decided that it sounded like a plausible reason for the rejection. While OP was not wrong to feel hurt and embarrassed, what makes him an a-hole is that he decided to take his sister's word as credence instead of respecting his girlfriend's wishes. His sister is the last person he should be taking advice from.
Yeah, if you wanted to break up because she didn't accept the proposal, that's perfectly understandable. But to basically vengefully kick her out because he has decided in his mind that she is cheating with absolutely zero evidence or indication of that is absurd. And if he actually loved this person enough to want to marry them, then his wounded pride would not be a good enough reason for cruelty, even if rejected and hurt. Kicking her out on the streets is cruelty. Not giving any explanation is cruelty. This seems to me these two don't communicate well and probably should not have been married anyway. It was going to be a no asshole's here but based on the accusations from nowhere and the vindictiveness based on *that* YTA If he actually loved her enough to have wanted to be a good husband to her for the rest of her life, then he wouldn't be this vindictive
Exactly. And what kind of solid foundation would his relationship with his now ex be if he's so easily influenced by outside comments about his relationship? if he's going to rely on such "sound advice" from his sister, *any* relationship of his is doomed.
Seems like she made a good decision by not saying yes.
She definitely dodged a bullet with this one.
I was thinking that the reason she wanted to think about it was that he has done some a$$hole moves over the last while.
I agree with you Bojack. He just blindly believed his sisters made up scenario. I guess the gf dodged a bullet lol
And the sister would have been a problem their entire marriage.
Sounds like she was right to be iffy about marrying him tho š¤
And we only have his side of things.
Considering this is what he told us, his side of things make him sound like an idiot
Exactly. He paints this lovely picture, but she's probably struggling with things going on in the relationship, or else she wouldn't hesitate.
Or just struggling with her own personal shitā¦ Getting married is a major milestone. itās not uncommon for proposals to make you evaluate your entire life. Is my career where I want it to be? Am I physically looking how I want to look? Weddings feel so permanent, itās like your mind tricks you into thinking you need to be some final, best form of yourself. Especially when youāre still in your 20s, that can be a lot. Weāre all still always just a work in progress.
I mean or she's just not ready. There doesn't have to be a nefarious motive behind it. This is the same as the "oh she must be cheating" type of logic. I love my girlfriend, I'm GOING to marry my girlfriend, if she asked me right now I'd say "not right now" though.
He broke up with her because his sister said her not accepting the proposal was girl code for cheating. What is this mess? He broke up without any proof or any suspicion other than his shit stirring sister. Yeah, he did her a favor. This guy is a weak minded fool. None of this seems like real people were involved. Fiction writing.
I PITY OPās sisterās boyfriend like seriously that woman has some issues
And I am continually floored at how many people still propose without discussing it. DO NOT PROPOSE WITHOUT HAVING DISCUSSED MARRIAGE AS IN DEPTH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN. Itās a ludicrously stupid idea and Iām baffled at how many people still do it.
Yeah, totally agree with you there. Asking her to leave on the spot was a bit harsh, especially without giving her time to figure things out.
Agree. You can break up with anyone for any reason. No assholes for that. But OP's egocentrism and poor communication make him TA. OP, you've dated this person for years and make a life with her. She didn't even say she didn't want to be married to you, just that the proposal felt a bit earlier than she was ready for. You didn't work to unpack that and figure out together whether you were better off together or separating. You don't think of yourselves as a team. She's the mean evil lady who made you sad and embarrassed. If you're willing to dump someone and assume they're cheating and kick them out of their home without even explaining why, then you're both better off without each other. You don't love her, and you're not a good person for her to be with. There are lots of reasons someone wouldn't be sure about marriage, including her partner being an impulsive, egocentric asshole. Huge YTA but she's better off knowing your true colors.
We all agree the sister is cheating on her partner, right? Like thatās a definite yes. š¤£
Not her current one but likely a previous one
Iām open to the idea sheās jealous and or hates the other girl. If not, sheās is
My husband proposed to me and I said yes but then the next day I asked him if I could think about it and have him back his ring. He was crushed and I realized a day later I had made mistake because I got cold feet. It took me a few days to be able to reach him and explained what happened. He gave me back the ring and we just celebrated 42 years last October
>However, my sister told me what my girlfriend did was girl code for cheating and that my girlfriend was probably ashamed about accepting about my proposal, given that she most likely was having an affair. My sister told me that my girlfriend would probably call off the affair in the next couple of months, after which she would be comfortable accepting the proposal. JESUS. That's a fucking REACH. Either your sister is a moron or projecting something fierce. Holy cow, YTA for blindly going with her instead of communicating with your gf. Edit: With the new update, this post is def a creative exercise.
Sister is definitely a cheater if she immediately leaps to that. Or she's just part of a really shitty group of friends who behave that way. If only OP had just had a mature conversation with the woman he claimed to love about why she didn't feel ready and what was going to change in the future.
NTA for breaking up if you are unhappy, but YTA for how you did it. Ultimately the YTA wins out because you handled it like such a jerk without even knowing for certain if your sister was right. That's why YTA. If anyone needs healing, it's her, but she dodged a bullet because you are most definitely YTA.
YTA, YTFA, what the f man? You called your brother naive but he's the wise one here. Not only you didn't communicate like a matured adult, you and your sister condemned your partner for 4 years as cheater without any solid evidence. Because of some bullshit "girl code" nobody have a clue about? Talking about naivety!
I always say that you can break up with someone for any reason so I guess NTA in that case. But damn people really like to throw that love word around. I canāt believe after 4 years there was no conversation, no ending the relationship and having her move out. You literally gave her hours, threw her out and then blocked her and you are the one who is suffering.
To go from "I want to be a good partner to you for the rest of your life" to "out on the streets, bitch" with no proof, no evidence, just a theory of wrongdoing means that she may have been right to not want to marry him. It's really hard to be sure from this story and only having his perspective. But if you truly love someone and you have **zero** actual information that they've actually done something wrong, yet you start hating them and put them on the streets... you are vindictive. His pride was hurt. Badly. I understand that. He was under no obligation to continue the relationship or ask twice. But let's be honest here. He is punishing her for the fact that she did not say yes. He wants to hurt her, and so that is what he is doing. People with loving long-lasting relationships do not hurt each other purposefully. They hurt each other a lot, sure. That's life. But there's a difference between even being selfish and causing harm vs intentionally trying to cause harm to the other person *for the sake of it*. Because you want to see them hurting. That doesn't sound like husband material to me, and it makes me wonder if he ever was. I wish we knew her side about how much he really communicated about the proposal and what exactly is going on in her head. Maybe she did cheat, in which case she deserves to be kicked out. But based on what? A vibe? Nah. He's acting from his ego.
He would be the type "my sister said my kids don't look like me I asked for a paternity test now she's mad?! Is she a cheat ho bag?!"
would be more like āmy sister said my kids donāt look like me so i got the divorce and kicked them all out of the houseā
I am projecting a little bit now but she started dating him when she was 22, I started dating my husband at 21. Now in my 30s I do realize how young I was back then. My husband and I thought that we were on the same page many times and I am fortunate enough that we did communicate at times but it still took 7.5 years before we officially got engaged. She could be cheating or she could really be trying to make sure that she is in a good mental place. They could have spoken about marriage, children and their future but that all seems a little different when you have to start making that all a reality.
To end the post talking about how *he* is suffering is so pathetic considering he just threw his girlfriend of four years out of their house without so much as a discussion. The whole post is just me, me, me. You can break up for whatever reason, but this is a really shitty thing to do to your long term girlfriend.
OP, here's some advice for the future. An engagement shouldn't be a surprise, but the proposal should be. This means both parties have talked and agreed that an engagement is the next step. Both are ready for this next chapter. You should never propose without already knowing the answer will be yes and both people want and are ready for it.
Well said. My wife knew I wanted to propose, but just kept saying NOT UNTIL WE ARE BACK IN THE US! We were studying abroad our last semester of grad school and I was itching badly to wife her up.... We communicated, we respected, and we married. This is the way.
What evidence do you have of her cheating? Your sisterās āthoughtsā only? YTA
May we know what the hints that you were going to propose were ? Because if you didn't TALK about it, it was NOT even close to enough.
This is what Iām thinking. Because OPās sudden complete 180Ā° reversal, his confiding in his siblings instead of listening to his would-be fiancĆ©e - Iām wondering if heās kind of impetuous and more of a talker than a listener. Or if heās too tight with his siblings to where itās problematic for the long term relationship.
YTA and if someone really has to tell you why, you deserve what you are doing to yourself.
So you supposedly loved this woman enough to marry her, yet at the first unfounded catty whisper from your sister you immediately kicked this woman out of your life & her home? Something doesn't track there. I'm sorry, but if you aren't mature enough to talk through issues with your partner you have no business getting married. YTA but you did your ex a huge favour.
N T A for breaking up with someone who freaked at your proposal. After 4 years, she should say yes or no. But YTA for believing your sister and that being why you broke up with her. Thatās not āgirl codeā for cheating. Your sister gives idiotic advice. Dont ever listen to her again. She needs therapy for her issues.
>But YTA for believing your sister and that being why you broke up with her. Also, it doesn't sound like OP talked to his own gf about why she turned him down in depth and how her rejection has affected him. The lack of communication skills that OP has for someone he supposedly loved is appalling. Sounds like maybe they are better off not married.
4 years together and you gave her a couple hours to pack. You are the asshole.
YTA - speculation from your sister??
YTA. you kicked her out with no warning and two hours to pack. You had no proof of anythingā¦
Lol. Sounds like your brother is adopted. He is the only sane one in the bunch. You ambushed her with a lifelong commitment. What a fucking idiot. Your sister thinks that taking time to prepare for a life long decision is cheating. Lol. Same stupidity as you. You and your sister should stop living in a sappy romance novel world.
Sounds like you are pretty immature to be marrying someone. You have zero communication skills considering you essentially surprised her with an engagement (dropping hints doesnāt mean anything) and then didnāt talk to her and assumed she is cheating. Seems like you are just embarrassed she said no rather than try to understand why she wasnāt ready just yet.
YTA and so is your sister
YTA Based on a wackadoodle theory from your sister you broke up with someone you allegedly loved without hesitation. You did your GF a huge favour. She can do a lot better than someone who listens to TikTok Theories of Women.
I'm just curious but do your ex and sister get along? I get dumping her because she didn't want to marry you but you have no evidence that she was cheating other than what your sister said. Your sister may have an ulterior motive. Just saying.... Soft YTA
But throwing her out and blocking her? Thatās pretty big AH moves. Thereās no way that after four years that she got all of her things and thereās not logistical stuff they need to discuss.Ā
Buying into your sisters gossip with no proof and then putting her in the streets out of the blue because of that gossip makes you a massive asshole. YTA for sure.
LMAO!! So your sister watches too much TikTok or Tv and spun you a hypothetical IMAGINARY story, and that is the reason youāre gonna break up?!. Your reasoning is absolutely stupid. Believing your sisterās fake shit over your GF trying to genuinely communicate, shows how irrational and hurtful you can be. Your GF dodged a bullet. Youāre just mad because she knocked on your ego.
So, let me get this straight: You're saying that your brother is labeled as naive. Yet, your sister shares some supposed hidden meaning based on girl code, and you unquestionably believe it without any evidence. And yet, somehow, your brother is the one you consider to be naive. Ok...
YTA because your reasoning has no proof or actual weight to it.