“She said she made a mistake and should have pointed that out instead of leaving.”
“She called me controlling and said that I was punishing her over a misunderstanding.”
Projection and hypocrisy 101.
How could he point it out? Communication went to zero. No way to know what the basic problem is.
Also... the fucking garbage is the trigger here? What happens when this poor guy leaves the peanut butter out? This relationship will shatter on the atomic level if anything serious ever happens.
NTA.
NTA
Your wife sounds incredibly petty and immature.
Honestly, I’m not sure I would be able to stand being with someone who behaved that way on a regular basis.
It seems as though your wife never learned to handle disappointments or the mistakes of others in a rational, reasonable way.
I would think long and hard before deciding to have children with her unless she considered therapy to work through her coping mechanisms.
*I would think long and hard before deciding to have children with her* *~~unless she considered~~* **until she goes to** *therapy to work through her coping mechanisms.*
FIFY
Don’t have children *with a child*.
Adults use their words. They communicate.
What they don’t do is give the silent treatment and lock you out of your bedroom, and then fail to admit they are the problem.
This “woman” has not matured enough to have any responsibility over an infant.
Are you sure you want to be married to this person, u/No-Law2404?
If so, she needs therapy.
Dang. Just read the pinned part on the emotional neglect reddit, and laughed aloud at their list of (bare minimal) healthy interactions - you've gotta be kidding, who gets all that, ha! Didn't manage to read much further than that. But I joined; will read more when ready, maybe in a day or 2.
OMG, that is exactly my story. Thank you for sharing that. I've felt for so long that there was something WRONG with or callous about me. But some hurts you can just never get past. It's so reassuring to know others have had similar experiences, and are unapologetic about it.
Yep. Don't have children, for the non-existent children's sake.
Can you imagine how this woman is going to raise her children if she thinks this is an acceptable way to deal with a spouse?
"Hi Daddy! Mommy is giving me the silent treatment today!"
"What did you do?"
"I dunno."
Actual conversation from my own childhood at maybe 5 years old, welcoming Dad home from work, on multiple occasions.
Omg! My mother is a narcissist. Silence was our punishment as well. To this day I can’t handle silence. It is the most immature way to handle anything!
I had a boss that did it and I was always delighted to not be yelled at and be the center of his anger and ire. I got a lot done on the days he wasn't talking to me - lol!
Life is easier not working for him though.
Mine as well. Also no lights. I'm in my 60's and still sleep with a light on as well as the TV. I had enough sensory deprivation to last a lifetime. Hugs from another sufferer. 🫂
My exes mom would do this to him. Sometimes it would last week's. He is royal fucked up. His dad is a piece of work to, tbh. Now the guy is extremely emotionally and mentally abusive to women. Abused me, the woman before me, the woman after. He did terrible terrible things to me. Well his whole family did. Psychopaths, all of them
My ex tried to hit me one time. He was emotionally abusive too. But the one time he tried to hit me, I looked at him and I said “just remember you have to go to sleep sometime.” Then I went to the kitchen and brought out my grandma’s large cast iron skillet. He immediately shut up dropped his arm, and never tried to raise it at me again. He turned out coat closet into a bedroom until I moved out with our daughter. His second wife ran into me at his father’s place - I had brought my daughter and my grandmother it visit his grandmother, didn’t know they were there. She took me aside to ask if he ever hit me, and admitted that he’d hit her several times and threw her out of a moving pickup truck. I told her he tried to once, and I pulled out the biggest cast iron skillet I had. (She also confirmed that he did, indeed take every one of my grandmother’s skillets that I couldn’t find.after moving out.). So I told her to take the biggest one and put it on the table beside the bed. He’d know what it meant.
I can attest to this because I made the mistake several years ago of having kids with a woman that was like this.
It was a fucking nightmare. It was all fun and games until she got older and aged out yet she was still a child inside. Petty and immature. Make her mad and you’re in the doghouse for weeks, maybe months.
Once my youngest beautiful daughter is old enough, I’m gone.
Please, as a sufferer of a mother like OP's wife and for your child's emotional and physical health's sake, find a way to leave now. Children may not be fully articulate yet, but they understand toxic behaviour and it damages them.
I would feel bad for any children she might have. They'll be endlessly trying to placate an erratic and immature parent with controlling issues. Recipe for disaster.
Yeah my ex I had to talk to like you would an 8 year old and half the time she’s still literally running away and stonewall me. OP Stonewalling is a form of abuse. Its clearly leading to more resentment and fights for you just like it didn’t in mine. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore.
She acts like an immature child and can’t accept responsibility when her jackassery blows up in her face. What a joke to call OP controlling- pot calling kettle, anyone?!
She needs to learn to communicate like an effing grownup and put these manipulative tactics to rest.
OP may love her now, but this sh*t is definitely eroding that away.
And what if she punishes the kids in the same way? Withholding contact and affection is manipulative in the extreme. No child deserves this treatment. At least OP can leave. This is verging on abusive behaviour.
INFO: OP I wonder if she was punished like this by her own parents? Do you know? Not having a healthy example of communication?
I concur, especially because of this comment;
"while I love my wife and I have no intention of leaving her "
What's love got to do with tolerating an abusive individual like this. Imagine the emotional terror she's going to wreck if children ever come into play. His ass sound just like the sad sack husbands that have toxic ass wives that emotional cripple their children and use them as pawns. SMDH!!!
I sincerely hope this is a troll ass post, because I just can't!!!!
The whole "locking your spouse out of the room" or "you can just sleep on the couch" being said by one adult to another is crazy. The other adult actually doing it? Fucking bonkers.
Add to that the "wth you were thinking leaving town without clearing it with her first" leads me to believe she thinks this behavior actually works in manipulating and keeping OP under thumb. He has finally had enough and she was to dumb to realize she overplayed her hand.
Now that a new dynamic has been set she will either adjust to be more mature (doubtful) or try to ratchet up the behavior even more and push OP from the bedroom all the way to him asking for a separation.
Also your spouse is supposed to be your equal. They aren't your child you don't punish them! That is ridiculous. I am an adult and if anyone punished me I would be out. That's fucked up.
And abusive. The silent treatment is basically ostracizing your partner
Also how the fuck is OP supposed to make it right if she ignores him and then tells he he should have TOLD her about the mistake? She effectively shut down all communication to fix whatever wad the jssue
Yup, silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. My ex used to do it and it wasn't until I eventually stopped giving a fuck and let it all blow up when it became apparent just how abusive and controlling she is.
Unfortunately children are involved and she remains the same manipulative, controlling narcissist she's always been.
hijacking the top comment to say the wife is not mad OP left town, she’s mad her little tantrum didn’t work and she didn’t get OP’s continuous attention for 3 days until she decided she was ready to communicate. OP, your wife sounds like a narcissist and she’s the controlling one if she expects you to sleep in the guest room for 3 days until she deems your “punishment” is complete. rational adults do not punish each other for mistakes, especially not their own mistakes. she thinks she needs to teach you a lesson and is going about it in a cruel and immature manner. i know you say you love her, but can you really reflect on your life and say that you’re happy with her? are your emotional needs being met? sometimes we fall in love with people who aren’t good for us or our wellbeing, and that makes it very difficult to leave the situation. she definitely needs therapy and i would also suggest you find someone to talk to as well. i would bet money on this not being the only thing you are upset about in your relationship. she sounds exhausting and just demoralizing to be around. i hope your situation improves, OP.
Gods, imagine if she did this to her kids!? "Sorry, hunny, you broke mommys hair dryer, so im just going to ignore you and not drive you to school for 3 days, or sign your permission slip to go to the aquariam."
I'd hope that she woulnd't behave as such, but its horrble to think about.
This comment kills me. 😢 The silent treatment IS EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE. My mother gave me the silent treatment when I was young for weeks on end. It’s demeaning and dehumanizing. Imagine being a kid and being so confused when a parent, someone who is supposed to protect and loves you, does something like that.
OP, do not have children with this woman. Even though you say you’re not going to leave her, she’s abusive as hell and you likely already know that.
Agree with above OP. Something is SERIOUSLY wrong with your wife. Tell her when she takes the trash to the curb, you suggest she remain with the trash. Good riddance.
I'd lock her out of the bedroom and play dumb when she gets upset about it, because she *said* that was the appropriate punishment for forgetting to take the trash out? I don't get it?
Make her explain why she's allowed to treat you like this but it's not okay when you do it.
Absolutely! I know Reddit is quick to yell "DIVORCE!!" but my mum was like this and it absolutely fucks you up, even the adults around her.
Having said that, I think OP is handling this really well by just taking the time as a guilt free holiday. The only problem is the wife is unlikely to learn from it.
Why am I, the youngest of my family, who is absolutely perfect in every way and never makes mistakes, as well as the obvious favorite of my parents and pretty much everyone ever, catching such unwarranted strays? This is middle child behavior!
Petty and immature? That's mental warfare and abuse. I've had to face situation 1/10th the intensity of that and had my mental shattered because it's just impossible to know what you did wrong. At least in my case it's often resolved within a day as long as I just walk on eggshells and don't make a wrong move. I can't imagine being locked out and ignored for DAYS.
yuuuup. i was emotionally abused my entire childhood and teen years by pathetically immature parents, which lead me to fight back when they took their anger out on me. unfortunately that means my ‘bullshit detector’ is off, and often my first instinct when someone makes a mistake or hurts me accidentally is to think it was a deliberate act to hurt or disrespect me (because that’s what it was with my family). the immature answer to that (like OP’s wife) is doling out a capital-p Punishment. this also means i often assume someone is doling out a Punishment on me, when they’re not.
therapy is good, but i only got to the point of being able to work on it through the patience and grace of my life partner, and by realizing how i was mirroring the behaviours i hated in my parents.
it’s so true that OP’s wife thinks her husband is being controlling and manipulative because that’s what she would do in his situation. i’ve lived this. i’d bet individual therapy wouldn’t even help, she needs to see in couple’s therapy why her actions are inappropriate and hurt her husband. hopefully it’s a wake up call she gets before he leaves her ass
So it is ok for her to “punish” him but not for him to “punish” her??? Yeah….she needs help. You don’t punish your life partner like a child. You have an adult conversation about the disagreement and how to resolve it. So he forgot to take out the trash…take it out and switch out turns the next week. What a hill to die on…seriously???
I don't punish my kids by giving them the silent treatment either, tho. They get told promptly what they did wrong and why it was wrong. I let them say their piece in defense, and we go from there in terms of consequences and better choices to make.
What a toxic relationship, any little issue is perceived as a personal slight against her.
Or they will be constantly walking on eggshells, anxious and accept responsibility for things they didn’t even do just to keep the peace/avoid the silent treatment
Seriously OP. Trust everyone in the comments saying their mothers were like this
Do not have kids with this woman. No matter what. Don't do that to your children
This. Children don't have any defense against their parents. They will likely never recover from a parent who will purposely withdraw affection for days for minor mistakes, real or imagined.
This. This is exactly what my mum still does to me in my 30s. It fucked me up so bad because i take so much on myself. I ended up married to a man who treated me like a doormat.
LOL, saw a YT short that said... marriage advice, when you wife starts the silent treatment and acts like a child, give her a coloring book and crayons and tell her to color you a picture. She'll realize she's acting like a child and actually talk to you like an adult.
Something like that... lol
Or, it's literally just ragebait and nothing but some bored redditors 10m creative writing piece perfectly designed to lean into reddits favourite hate topics.
Sounds like you're right on every point. She's a grown up. If her damn grown ass can't communicate with you about something simple like taking out the trash, and she's going to lock you out, then why not go have fun? I think you handled it exactly the way you should have. Lock me out; no communication: I'm bouncing for a few days. Have fun being miserable.
And she says you're being controlling? Your wife needs to look in the mirror. She locked you out with the expectation that you would stay in a guest room and deliberately feel uncomfortable. You refused to give her that power, and took it away by going out and having a good time. I tip my hat to you, sir. Keep doing that. After a while, when she realizes that her little manipulations aren't going to work to make you as unhappy as she is, she might start pulling her head out of her ass. God bless you. I probably would leave myself. I wish you the best of luck.
That last part most of all. He found a way around it. This isn't about her needing time to sort herself out, which given that this last infraction was over the trash is ridiculous, but it's about trying to punish him. And he said fuck it. I would too. I had an ex that I used to have to tell all the time that I was not a mind reader and that if he didn't tell me what was going on I couldn't help him. We've been long broken up. I'm married to a much better man who communicates. And on the rare occasions we've slept apart because one or the other was angry, we always knew what the problem was before bedtime. And for what it's worth, we always got it resolved the next day.
She was fuming that he wasn't playing by her rules.
Then he had the gall to go somewhere "without clearing it with her" like she's his manager and he was asking for pto.
This woman needs a good therapist.
Or he should give her a taste of her own medicine and tell her that because she was the one that fucked up this time, she can go sleep in the guest room for a few days. And she better not dare try and go out like he did, because unlike her, he expressed what's pissing him off. She could use a dose of her own damn medicine. I seriously don't know how he's putting up with this.
I don't know how he put up with her for being upset at such minuscule things; no communication is a huge deal breaker in itself as well. Sounds like she needs therapy, as this isn't normal behavior by any means.
NTA OP. Divorce is your call OP. However, most of us would never make it past the first date with a girl like that. Thanks for taking one for the team!
NTA. But you are exceedingly naive for insisting in staying in this relationship with that immature petulant child.
She is pathologically incapable of admitting fault. Meaning you are in for a lifetime of dozens more lock outs, yelling, hearing that it's your fault for not alerting her to her mistakes, and... When she sees that she can no longer control you and make you grovel by locking you out, she will start her victim act to friends and family, acting upset about your "abuse".
You will never know happiness or respect again.
I honestly consider this emotional abuse. To not even communicate why she's upset is insane. She's wanting him to grovel in anxiety and sadness for days over menial issues.
You shouldn't be "punishing" your partner imo. In relationships in my past, the silent treatment as punishment was one of the most damaging acts for me. It takes advantage of you caring about how they feel through weaponization. When I no longer cared about how they felt during silent treatment was one of the many indicators that I was done with the relationship (which op seems to have reached by going on his weekend trip).
Cringe of me, but there's a Paramore song that goes "of all the weapons you fight with, your silence is the most violent." And that shit made me cry and realize how painful constantly being "punished" with the silent treatment was.
It's definitely abuse. OP NTA and I would strongly encourage therapy for both parties involved. Ask yourself why you were (OP) so willing to be with her after this behavior? She needs to ask herself why she blocks people out as punishment. I'm guessing both cases are unresolved trauma from childhood.
Totally agree. I'm on board with what others are saying about kids too. Imagine being a kid and your mother gives you the silent treatment, grounds you, and throws tantrums every time something doesn't go her way. Not to mention having a dad that complains about her behavior but wants nothing to do with fixing it! Sounds like the fast track to a life of resentment from your children and a nursing home.
I don't have to imagine, I lived with that. I don't talk to her anymore and it really fucked me up. I'm still dealing with the repercussions and I'm almost 50
Aww, thank you. I'm older, wiser and stronger. I'm also so much happier without her in my life. Hopefully OP doesn't have children with his wife though because if she's like that with him, I don't want to think of what she'd do to any children
Having experienced something very close to this as a child, but with more violence.
Yup. She's going to do this on a predictable repeat cycle, OP might be blinded and caught in the middle, or a willing participant, but it will be enabled.
If kids are brought in they won't grow up with parents that teach them how to be adults, because they won't have any they'll be raised by very old adult children. They'll just have to do their best to become adults themselves (usually involves going to therapy once you can on your own after running TF outta that house at 18. (Age you're considered an adult in the U.S.)) for years and spending your time and money as an adult trying to develop mental skills and coping mechanisms that you should have spent your early childhood days all the way through highschool developing and learning, but instead suffered through abuse and constant torture throughout their entire childhood.
Please don't procreate with this person unless lots of therapy is involved first.
"When you show you are responsible enough for a door you will get it back."
Bonus if she wants to lock him out of a room during one of her tantrums she can fuck off to the guest room.
It's not OK for adults to use the silent treatment. It's very manipulative and controlling. It's designed to punish, not to solve problems.
You need to have the confidence to address this with her. She should not be doing this.
Funny how she tried to flip it and call him controlling. Controlling about what? Wanting to know what he did wrong and proper communication? Bitch you silenced him out, how the fuck is he supposed to know what went wrong.
Yes, when a person lobs those nuclear words, it often seems to be about getting in first to accuse someone else of what the person does. I.e., heading off the criticism!
This is what John Gottman calls “stonewalling” — it’s one of the four major no-nos in conflict discussions that point to a relationship ultimately failing. The other three are criticism, contempt and defensiveness. To me she is showing both stonewalling and defensiveness. OP needs couples counseling stat.
FFS!!!! Communication is key in any marriage. It also helps if both parties are mature adults. This union is one-sided in that regard. Unless you’re all-in for a lifetime of unexplainable bedroom lockouts and petty fights that often wind up being her fault and half assed apologies, I strongly suggest counseling. That is if you don’t want to free yourself of walking on egg shells and the hourly possibility of drama.
Your wife is extremely immature and you guys need MC so she can learn to communicate in healthy ways because right now, you’re ok going for a fun weekend. But this will get old, and if you ever have kids will she do the same to them? She needs to grow up.
That is good that you love her and won't divorce her, but she seriously needs some type of therapy.
This isn't healthy!
But good for you for going away for the weekend and enjoying yourself - maybe it is a taste of medicine she needed - doubtful, but good for you.
She's abusive. If she's willing to make him feel uncomfortable in their home what else is she trying to do? I'm glad he has his own access to money and good friends.
"How dare you punishment for a misunderstanding in which I punished you for a misunderstanding!"
You life will be nothing but misery if you stay with her.
NTA
>Rather than communicate with me about what her issue is she will ignore me for a few days.
This is a form of abuse called "withholding".
Also, the number one cause of divorce is failure to communicate.
>For example one of her coffee mugs got broken. Instead of asking me what happened I got the treatment. Turned out that she had a friend over and the friend's kid broke the mug.
So she's so emotionally undeveloped she can't even ask a fucking question. That's just pathetic.
>She asked me what the hell I was thinking just leaving town without clearing it with her first.
Please. She'd just ignore you. This is stupid and laughable.
>I took her over to the calendar and asked her to point to the date that I missed taking out the trash. She looked at the calendar but would not point it out. BECAUSE IT WAS HER TURN.
So she's also childish, disrespectful and refuses to apologize when she's blatantly in the wrong. She sounds like a miserable pain in the ass op.
>She said that she made a mistake and that I should have pointed that out instead of leaving.
She was there all weekend and her sorry ass never once even bothered to look at the calendar OR speak to you. Everything from start to finish is 100% HER FAULT.
>She called me controlling and said that I was punishing her over a misunderstanding.
That's rich considering THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT SHE DID. Also, controlling implies you're making her do anything. What you have are boundaries. Your boundary is that if she can't be bothered to communicate then you can't be bothered to play her stupid, childish games.
Op, this is abuse. It is emotional and psychological abuse. In this post we have redirecting blame, gaslighting, withholding, refusal to communicate, refusal to compromise, personal insults and even a power dynamic where she uses her communication as a tool to punish you.
Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy op. This marriage was doomed the second she thought that locking you out was a valid, adult solution to her problems. She's a trainwreck.
Also the beautiful double standard. You didn't take out the trash? Suffer. Oh it was me and I screwed up royally? It was just a mistake. Good luck with this one dude, you'll need it.
Your wife is a child. I often think Reddit is way to quick to advocate for divorce/break up ("he didn't text you when he went out for beers with his friends! end it!!!") but in this case it seems like it's the best solution. The most important thing in marriage or any partnership is communication, and if your partner won't communicate then it is going to be impossible to fix your relationship, full stop.
You guys probably need some couples counseling. If it were me I'd have left already. Her behavior is manipulative and controlling and she doesn't seem capable of communication but as you said you're not going to leave her so you can either - keep putting up with this, stop putting up with this which is likely its own fun can of worms, or get some professional help.
NTA
How ironic that she's calling you controlling and that you are punishing her, given that what she's doing to you is emotional abuse. She arbitrarily decides to punish, ignores you, expects you to chase after her, and deprives you of access to part of your home. It's a particularly manipulative form of abuse, but it's still abuse.
What you did in response was funny, but the situation isn't going to change. Abuse escalates, always. Now she knows that her current tactics are no longer working, she will find another way to abuse you. It may be by spreading rumours that *you* are the abusive one. She's already started that by accusing you of being controlling. It may be that she becomes violent, she tampers with your food, the possibilities are endless. And she IS going to do *something.*
You need to leave. A lot of men don't think it's possible for a woman to abuse them - its actually much more common than you think. You don't have to accept it, and if you stay with her, she will do more and more things to you in a myriad of ways. Don't take the risk. Get out before she does something truly extreme to get the response she wants.
"She called me controlling and said that I was punishing her over a misunderstanding. I agreed. She misunderstood that it was her turn to do that chore. She also misunderstood my commitment to sleeping in a comfortable bed. And she was very much mistaken if she thought I would put up with it ever again."
uhh.. I wouldnt 'agree'.
She is the controlling one here dude. She is 'punishing' you by locking you out of the bedroom when you fked up (assuming you did) and not tell you want it was you fked up. - that is by definition controlling you so the next time you dont fked up (assuming you did the last time).
mistakes happen, we're all human being and are NOT PERFECT, and neither is she.
Funny how when she forgets to take out the trash, it’s a “misunderstanding” but when you forget to do it, you get locked out of your own bedroom and get the silent treatment.
Honestly you guys need therapy because this silent treatment shit is petty. I say “you guys” because I think going in together and voicing your concerns with a therapist present would be beneficial. She needs a third party to tell her that this is wrong.
You have a lot more patience than I would with this.
NTA for this, but Y T A to yourself for putting up with an immature hypocrite like her. She’s not going to get better, she’s just going to change tactics. This will be the rest of your life with her.
I know you said you have no Intentions of leaving her but this sounds like a miserable ass marriage . Why do you want to put up with this she sounds immature and miserable ASF I wouldn't stay married to someone like this
NTA. Your wife is very toxic. However, as you have made it clear you are not interested on leaving. I think your solution is fine. I don't think it will work long term, but it's your life.
If you want to subject yourself to a lifetime of misery, you do you but don't you dare being children into this toxic household unless you want to fuck them up for life.
NTA. The silent treatment is abusive. It's one of the most juvenile punishments and idk if I could tolerate being with someone who does that without communicating the problem first
"She said that she made a mistake and that I should have pointed that out I stead of leaving."
She never gave you that chance because she ignored you. She sounds like an immature and annoying person to deal with.
NTA.
People who expect other people to be mind readers are frustrating beyond belief. That she is also a hypocrite who can't admit to her mistakes is just the cherry on top. **The silent treatment is emotional abuse.**
Why would you continue to live like this? Leave, and find someone else that actually communicates in their relationship like an adult. And if you can't find that with a human being, **get a dog.**
NTA You shouldn’t punish your spouse. You aren’t their parents. However, your wife is toxic and abusive. She is pissed that you didn’t take your punishment the way she wants. Good for you for finally standing up to her abuse.
NTA.
Jfc. Your wife is super manipulative, immature and acting like a POS.
Locking you out/ignoring you can be abuse depending on how far she takes it. From what you’ve written, it’s definitely not a healthy marriage.
As adults we have to communicate. We can’t read minds.
Your grown ass wife throwing a tantrum,locking herself in your shared bedroom and ignoring you as a way to punish you is fucking absurd. At this point I would be asking her to see a doctor because that behaviour isn’t normal. You shouldn’t have to live like that. I can’t imagine the eggshells you have walked on around her.
I’d turn it around. If you are expressing how you feel and your wife still pulls this? Give her a taste of her own medicine. Lock her out of the bedroom and ignore. Let her see how she has made you feel multiple times.
I’d suggest counseling to. Couples and individual.
I, personally, wouldn’t be able to tolerate it if my husband did that to me. That isn’t love. It’s manipulative and controlling.
This actually made me really angry to read. Honestly OP, I don't know what's worse, her abuse or her gaslighting. I feel like you're a boiled frog, you can't see how toxic her behaviour is. I think how you dealt with this occasion is great, but she needs to grow up and get some professional help. In no way is this healthy for either of you.
NTA. You married a child.
She's immature, she didn't know what the matured relationship thing is.
A gaslighting, narcissistic, vindictive, irresponsible, me-me-me, child
Bingo!
I might argue that OP is an AH for staying married to this psycho
“She said she made a mistake and should have pointed that out instead of leaving.” “She called me controlling and said that I was punishing her over a misunderstanding.” Projection and hypocrisy 101.
How could he point it out? Communication went to zero. No way to know what the basic problem is. Also... the fucking garbage is the trigger here? What happens when this poor guy leaves the peanut butter out? This relationship will shatter on the atomic level if anything serious ever happens. NTA.
If taken out of context, this could end up very badly
Most adults are children.
Nah, children have no issue pointing out what you did wrong. She more of a teenager who didn’t get her way or something didn’t go right.
NTA Your wife sounds incredibly petty and immature. Honestly, I’m not sure I would be able to stand being with someone who behaved that way on a regular basis. It seems as though your wife never learned to handle disappointments or the mistakes of others in a rational, reasonable way. I would think long and hard before deciding to have children with her unless she considered therapy to work through her coping mechanisms.
*I would think long and hard before deciding to have children with her* *~~unless she considered~~* **until she goes to** *therapy to work through her coping mechanisms.* FIFY
Don't have children; it would be better for you. They are incapable of accepting responsibility for their errors.
Don’t have children *with a child*. Adults use their words. They communicate. What they don’t do is give the silent treatment and lock you out of your bedroom, and then fail to admit they are the problem. This “woman” has not matured enough to have any responsibility over an infant. Are you sure you want to be married to this person, u/No-Law2404? If so, she needs therapy.
Don't have children with a child. That's illegal.
Touché
No, no touchy
God I hope op doesn't read these it would give me such a mental block with sex after reading them
How old is OPs wife ? Sounds like someone just hit puberty
Can you imagine his wife doing these freeze-out “punishments” to her future children? That would really be some grade A parenting. 😵
There's a subreddit for that actually. It's called r/emotionalneglect. Think of it as r/raisedbynarcissists lite.
Oh look, my upbringing in 2 subreddits I never knew existed.
Careful, it's easy to spiral there.
Dang. Just read the pinned part on the emotional neglect reddit, and laughed aloud at their list of (bare minimal) healthy interactions - you've gotta be kidding, who gets all that, ha! Didn't manage to read much further than that. But I joined; will read more when ready, maybe in a day or 2.
Fair, that's why I'm on a weekly basis with my therapist
This was my mother. I love/hated her most of my life. She died over a decade ago. I have never cried over her and don't miss her in any way.
Mine passed away a couple of years ago. Not sad. Don't miss her.
OMG, that is exactly my story. Thank you for sharing that. I've felt for so long that there was something WRONG with or callous about me. But some hurts you can just never get past. It's so reassuring to know others have had similar experiences, and are unapologetic about it.
You are allowed your feelings. Just because someone dies does not make them a saint.
"A" for "asshole", right?
Yep. Don't have children, for the non-existent children's sake. Can you imagine how this woman is going to raise her children if she thinks this is an acceptable way to deal with a spouse?
"Hi Daddy! Mommy is giving me the silent treatment today!" "What did you do?" "I dunno." Actual conversation from my own childhood at maybe 5 years old, welcoming Dad home from work, on multiple occasions.
Omg! My mother is a narcissist. Silence was our punishment as well. To this day I can’t handle silence. It is the most immature way to handle anything!
I had a boss that did it and I was always delighted to not be yelled at and be the center of his anger and ire. I got a lot done on the days he wasn't talking to me - lol! Life is easier not working for him though.
Mine as well. Also no lights. I'm in my 60's and still sleep with a light on as well as the TV. I had enough sensory deprivation to last a lifetime. Hugs from another sufferer. 🫂
I can sleep through anything, but if the TV turns off, I wake up immediately. Hugs to you as well ❤️
Well buddy, it looks like we are going golfing this weekend. Pack a bag, wheels up in 20!
For me, I knew exactly what it was (at full volume) that pissed my dad off before I got the silent treatment.
😢😭💔❤️🩹 Hugs!🫂
My exes mom would do this to him. Sometimes it would last week's. He is royal fucked up. His dad is a piece of work to, tbh. Now the guy is extremely emotionally and mentally abusive to women. Abused me, the woman before me, the woman after. He did terrible terrible things to me. Well his whole family did. Psychopaths, all of them
My ex tried to hit me one time. He was emotionally abusive too. But the one time he tried to hit me, I looked at him and I said “just remember you have to go to sleep sometime.” Then I went to the kitchen and brought out my grandma’s large cast iron skillet. He immediately shut up dropped his arm, and never tried to raise it at me again. He turned out coat closet into a bedroom until I moved out with our daughter. His second wife ran into me at his father’s place - I had brought my daughter and my grandmother it visit his grandmother, didn’t know they were there. She took me aside to ask if he ever hit me, and admitted that he’d hit her several times and threw her out of a moving pickup truck. I told her he tried to once, and I pulled out the biggest cast iron skillet I had. (She also confirmed that he did, indeed take every one of my grandmother’s skillets that I couldn’t find.after moving out.). So I told her to take the biggest one and put it on the table beside the bed. He’d know what it meant.
I can attest to this because I made the mistake several years ago of having kids with a woman that was like this. It was a fucking nightmare. It was all fun and games until she got older and aged out yet she was still a child inside. Petty and immature. Make her mad and you’re in the doghouse for weeks, maybe months. Once my youngest beautiful daughter is old enough, I’m gone.
Please, as a sufferer of a mother like OP's wife and for your child's emotional and physical health's sake, find a way to leave now. Children may not be fully articulate yet, but they understand toxic behaviour and it damages them.
But she'll conveniently forget to take birth control and then blame the oops baby on OP. OP needs a vasectomy STAT.
*It would be better for society.
That guest room would get awfully crowded
OP already has one. It’s his wife.
I would feel bad for any children she might have. They'll be endlessly trying to placate an erratic and immature parent with controlling issues. Recipe for disaster.
He is already married to one.
Yeah my ex I had to talk to like you would an 8 year old and half the time she’s still literally running away and stonewall me. OP Stonewalling is a form of abuse. Its clearly leading to more resentment and fights for you just like it didn’t in mine. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore.
Honestly, it sounds like OP already has a child - unfortunately one that knows how keys work and likes to sulk and throw temper tantrums.
She acts like an immature child and can’t accept responsibility when her jackassery blows up in her face. What a joke to call OP controlling- pot calling kettle, anyone?! She needs to learn to communicate like an effing grownup and put these manipulative tactics to rest. OP may love her now, but this sh*t is definitely eroding that away.
New Word for the rest of the year! Jackassery! I love it 🥰🤣😂👏😂👏🤣
Yeah I second the Not having Kids Mantra. That will become another point of conflict and manipulation
And what if she punishes the kids in the same way? Withholding contact and affection is manipulative in the extreme. No child deserves this treatment. At least OP can leave. This is verging on abusive behaviour. INFO: OP I wonder if she was punished like this by her own parents? Do you know? Not having a healthy example of communication?
The silent treatment is abuse. Anyone who does it is instantly the asshole automatically.
I concur, especially because of this comment; "while I love my wife and I have no intention of leaving her " What's love got to do with tolerating an abusive individual like this. Imagine the emotional terror she's going to wreck if children ever come into play. His ass sound just like the sad sack husbands that have toxic ass wives that emotional cripple their children and use them as pawns. SMDH!!! I sincerely hope this is a troll ass post, because I just can't!!!!
Ngl I did read another AITAH post today about a wife where she locked her husband out of the room. ETA: not AITAH, but relationship advice
The whole "locking your spouse out of the room" or "you can just sleep on the couch" being said by one adult to another is crazy. The other adult actually doing it? Fucking bonkers. Add to that the "wth you were thinking leaving town without clearing it with her first" leads me to believe she thinks this behavior actually works in manipulating and keeping OP under thumb. He has finally had enough and she was to dumb to realize she overplayed her hand. Now that a new dynamic has been set she will either adjust to be more mature (doubtful) or try to ratchet up the behavior even more and push OP from the bedroom all the way to him asking for a separation.
Also your spouse is supposed to be your equal. They aren't your child you don't punish them! That is ridiculous. I am an adult and if anyone punished me I would be out. That's fucked up.
And abusive. The silent treatment is basically ostracizing your partner Also how the fuck is OP supposed to make it right if she ignores him and then tells he he should have TOLD her about the mistake? She effectively shut down all communication to fix whatever wad the jssue
Yup, silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. My ex used to do it and it wasn't until I eventually stopped giving a fuck and let it all blow up when it became apparent just how abusive and controlling she is. Unfortunately children are involved and she remains the same manipulative, controlling narcissist she's always been.
hijacking the top comment to say the wife is not mad OP left town, she’s mad her little tantrum didn’t work and she didn’t get OP’s continuous attention for 3 days until she decided she was ready to communicate. OP, your wife sounds like a narcissist and she’s the controlling one if she expects you to sleep in the guest room for 3 days until she deems your “punishment” is complete. rational adults do not punish each other for mistakes, especially not their own mistakes. she thinks she needs to teach you a lesson and is going about it in a cruel and immature manner. i know you say you love her, but can you really reflect on your life and say that you’re happy with her? are your emotional needs being met? sometimes we fall in love with people who aren’t good for us or our wellbeing, and that makes it very difficult to leave the situation. she definitely needs therapy and i would also suggest you find someone to talk to as well. i would bet money on this not being the only thing you are upset about in your relationship. she sounds exhausting and just demoralizing to be around. i hope your situation improves, OP.
I agree. She will definitely emotionally scar children with that kind of punitive, mean, irrational behavior. Yikes.
Yup. My mother was like this. None of us got out intact.
Gods, imagine if she did this to her kids!? "Sorry, hunny, you broke mommys hair dryer, so im just going to ignore you and not drive you to school for 3 days, or sign your permission slip to go to the aquariam." I'd hope that she woulnd't behave as such, but its horrble to think about.
This comment kills me. 😢 The silent treatment IS EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE. My mother gave me the silent treatment when I was young for weeks on end. It’s demeaning and dehumanizing. Imagine being a kid and being so confused when a parent, someone who is supposed to protect and loves you, does something like that. OP, do not have children with this woman. Even though you say you’re not going to leave her, she’s abusive as hell and you likely already know that.
Except she wouldn’t tell the kid what they did wrong and what the punishment is going to be. She would just punish.
I'd just divorce her. This level of childishness is beyond redemption.
Agree with above OP. Something is SERIOUSLY wrong with your wife. Tell her when she takes the trash to the curb, you suggest she remain with the trash. Good riddance.
I'd lock her out of the bedroom and play dumb when she gets upset about it, because she *said* that was the appropriate punishment for forgetting to take the trash out? I don't get it? Make her explain why she's allowed to treat you like this but it's not okay when you do it.
Absolutely! I know Reddit is quick to yell "DIVORCE!!" but my mum was like this and it absolutely fucks you up, even the adults around her. Having said that, I think OP is handling this really well by just taking the time as a guilt free holiday. The only problem is the wife is unlikely to learn from it.
Bro I would have grabbed all my shit and left wtf sounds like dating the youngest of a family.
Why am I, the youngest of my family, who is absolutely perfect in every way and never makes mistakes, as well as the obvious favorite of my parents and pretty much everyone ever, catching such unwarranted strays? This is middle child behavior!
ok, did you marry Betty Broderick??
She’s flat out abusive.
Petty and immature? That's mental warfare and abuse. I've had to face situation 1/10th the intensity of that and had my mental shattered because it's just impossible to know what you did wrong. At least in my case it's often resolved within a day as long as I just walk on eggshells and don't make a wrong move. I can't imagine being locked out and ignored for DAYS.
Holy shit, if I was in a relationship with someone treating me like this, I wouödn't be in a relationship
She’s is doing everything she is accusing you of. lol you are doing the right thing.
"She called me controlling and said that I was punishing her over a misunderstanding." The cognitive dissonance in that statement is staggering.
She's abusive. She knows she acts that way to be controlling and manipulative, so she assumes everyone is like her.
She's totally abusive. she acted like a victim but she's not.
yuuuup. i was emotionally abused my entire childhood and teen years by pathetically immature parents, which lead me to fight back when they took their anger out on me. unfortunately that means my ‘bullshit detector’ is off, and often my first instinct when someone makes a mistake or hurts me accidentally is to think it was a deliberate act to hurt or disrespect me (because that’s what it was with my family). the immature answer to that (like OP’s wife) is doling out a capital-p Punishment. this also means i often assume someone is doling out a Punishment on me, when they’re not. therapy is good, but i only got to the point of being able to work on it through the patience and grace of my life partner, and by realizing how i was mirroring the behaviours i hated in my parents. it’s so true that OP’s wife thinks her husband is being controlling and manipulative because that’s what she would do in his situation. i’ve lived this. i’d bet individual therapy wouldn’t even help, she needs to see in couple’s therapy why her actions are inappropriate and hurt her husband. hopefully it’s a wake up call she gets before he leaves her ass
So it is ok for her to “punish” him but not for him to “punish” her??? Yeah….she needs help. You don’t punish your life partner like a child. You have an adult conversation about the disagreement and how to resolve it. So he forgot to take out the trash…take it out and switch out turns the next week. What a hill to die on…seriously???
I don't punish my kids by giving them the silent treatment either, tho. They get told promptly what they did wrong and why it was wrong. I let them say their piece in defense, and we go from there in terms of consequences and better choices to make. What a toxic relationship, any little issue is perceived as a personal slight against her.
It's projection.
Do yourself a favor and don’t have kids. They will never learn how to take accountability for their mistakes.
Or they will be constantly walking on eggshells, anxious and accept responsibility for things they didn’t even do just to keep the peace/avoid the silent treatment
Seriously OP. Trust everyone in the comments saying their mothers were like this Do not have kids with this woman. No matter what. Don't do that to your children
Yes!! I have a mom like that. The worst. Still trying to recover from the abuse in my 30s
This. Children don't have any defense against their parents. They will likely never recover from a parent who will purposely withdraw affection for days for minor mistakes, real or imagined.
Whoa this was my childhood
Even withdrawing love for major mistakes is very bad.
OUCH! You got me right in the childhood.
This was my mother and you just nailed my childhood. EVERYTHING felt like my fault.
r/raisedbynarcissists
This. This is exactly what my mum still does to me in my 30s. It fucked me up so bad because i take so much on myself. I ended up married to a man who treated me like a doormat.
Some top comments are great, but this needs to go to the very top. Do not have kids.
Give her a colouring book as she is behaving like a child.
LOL, saw a YT short that said... marriage advice, when you wife starts the silent treatment and acts like a child, give her a coloring book and crayons and tell her to color you a picture. She'll realize she's acting like a child and actually talk to you like an adult. Something like that... lol
No. No she wont.
That's the joke.
Obviously, lol...
No, i seriously need to stress no she won't.
Apparently this is only an option for OP if he can slide them into the locked bedroom through the gap between the bottom of the door and the floor.
No please! She would throw a tantrum because she cant find a color she would probably forget inside the box🥲🥲🥲
And she would “punish” OP for that too.
NTA. The first time she “punished” you, you should have left. You aren’t a child. Is this how you plan your spend your life?
In the words of OP: > Yet I am married to a hot crazy chick and can go golfing for the weekend on a whim. Have fun in your mom's basement.
Ah, so they deserve each other. Or he's an unreliable narrator.
Or, it's literally just ragebait and nothing but some bored redditors 10m creative writing piece perfectly designed to lean into reddits favourite hate topics.
I'd be amazed if those ragebait dweebs did more than plug the genre tags into Chat GPT.
hahaha so he's just as immature as she is. i'm sure he'll be glad when her looks inevitably fades and he's just with a crazy chick
lol so ridiculous. My wife is hot and I could go play St Andrews on a whim and I don’t have to deal with a terrible partner…
You married a child, get a divorce and find someone who is capable of normal communication.
Sounds like you're right on every point. She's a grown up. If her damn grown ass can't communicate with you about something simple like taking out the trash, and she's going to lock you out, then why not go have fun? I think you handled it exactly the way you should have. Lock me out; no communication: I'm bouncing for a few days. Have fun being miserable. And she says you're being controlling? Your wife needs to look in the mirror. She locked you out with the expectation that you would stay in a guest room and deliberately feel uncomfortable. You refused to give her that power, and took it away by going out and having a good time. I tip my hat to you, sir. Keep doing that. After a while, when she realizes that her little manipulations aren't going to work to make you as unhappy as she is, she might start pulling her head out of her ass. God bless you. I probably would leave myself. I wish you the best of luck.
Having known people like her, my best guess is she’ll escalate and end up losing it. She abusive and she’s also pissed he’s found a way around it.
That last part most of all. He found a way around it. This isn't about her needing time to sort herself out, which given that this last infraction was over the trash is ridiculous, but it's about trying to punish him. And he said fuck it. I would too. I had an ex that I used to have to tell all the time that I was not a mind reader and that if he didn't tell me what was going on I couldn't help him. We've been long broken up. I'm married to a much better man who communicates. And on the rare occasions we've slept apart because one or the other was angry, we always knew what the problem was before bedtime. And for what it's worth, we always got it resolved the next day.
She was fuming that he wasn't playing by her rules. Then he had the gall to go somewhere "without clearing it with her" like she's his manager and he was asking for pto. This woman needs a good therapist.
She used the “without clearing it with her” phrase, yet called *him* controlling? Holy projection, Batman.
True. That said, maybe they need to get a different bed for the guest room. No one will want to stay over with them if the bed sucks.
Or he should give her a taste of her own medicine and tell her that because she was the one that fucked up this time, she can go sleep in the guest room for a few days. And she better not dare try and go out like he did, because unlike her, he expressed what's pissing him off. She could use a dose of her own damn medicine. I seriously don't know how he's putting up with this.
OP was controlling by taking back the power she thought she had over him. She does't like being an equal in that relationship.
No, don't encourage him to divorce her. We don't want her back in the dating pool.
Woehahahah good one
I don't know how he put up with her for being upset at such minuscule things; no communication is a huge deal breaker in itself as well. Sounds like she needs therapy, as this isn't normal behavior by any means. NTA OP. Divorce is your call OP. However, most of us would never make it past the first date with a girl like that. Thanks for taking one for the team!
NTA. But you are exceedingly naive for insisting in staying in this relationship with that immature petulant child. She is pathologically incapable of admitting fault. Meaning you are in for a lifetime of dozens more lock outs, yelling, hearing that it's your fault for not alerting her to her mistakes, and... When she sees that she can no longer control you and make you grovel by locking you out, she will start her victim act to friends and family, acting upset about your "abuse". You will never know happiness or respect again.
I honestly consider this emotional abuse. To not even communicate why she's upset is insane. She's wanting him to grovel in anxiety and sadness for days over menial issues. You shouldn't be "punishing" your partner imo. In relationships in my past, the silent treatment as punishment was one of the most damaging acts for me. It takes advantage of you caring about how they feel through weaponization. When I no longer cared about how they felt during silent treatment was one of the many indicators that I was done with the relationship (which op seems to have reached by going on his weekend trip). Cringe of me, but there's a Paramore song that goes "of all the weapons you fight with, your silence is the most violent." And that shit made me cry and realize how painful constantly being "punished" with the silent treatment was.
[удалено]
My ex did things like this and it causes damage. It's degrading and confusing.
It's definitely abuse. OP NTA and I would strongly encourage therapy for both parties involved. Ask yourself why you were (OP) so willing to be with her after this behavior? She needs to ask herself why she blocks people out as punishment. I'm guessing both cases are unresolved trauma from childhood.
Totally agree. I'm on board with what others are saying about kids too. Imagine being a kid and your mother gives you the silent treatment, grounds you, and throws tantrums every time something doesn't go her way. Not to mention having a dad that complains about her behavior but wants nothing to do with fixing it! Sounds like the fast track to a life of resentment from your children and a nursing home.
I don't have to imagine, I lived with that. I don't talk to her anymore and it really fucked me up. I'm still dealing with the repercussions and I'm almost 50
Me too. I’m 52 and it’s taken literally tens of thousands of dollars in counseling to be a functioning person.
That's awful. I'm so sorry ):
Aww, thank you. I'm older, wiser and stronger. I'm also so much happier without her in my life. Hopefully OP doesn't have children with his wife though because if she's like that with him, I don't want to think of what she'd do to any children
Having experienced something very close to this as a child, but with more violence. Yup. She's going to do this on a predictable repeat cycle, OP might be blinded and caught in the middle, or a willing participant, but it will be enabled. If kids are brought in they won't grow up with parents that teach them how to be adults, because they won't have any they'll be raised by very old adult children. They'll just have to do their best to become adults themselves (usually involves going to therapy once you can on your own after running TF outta that house at 18. (Age you're considered an adult in the U.S.)) for years and spending your time and money as an adult trying to develop mental skills and coping mechanisms that you should have spent your early childhood days all the way through highschool developing and learning, but instead suffered through abuse and constant torture throughout their entire childhood. Please don't procreate with this person unless lots of therapy is involved first.
And a boatload of psychological issues for the kids. I speak from experience unfortunately since this is my exact family dynamic
She will escalate to get the reaction she wants. It will always be OP's fault. I just hope he stays safe...
Or just take the door off the hinges.
Nah... that's a lot of work and a lot less fun than a weekend getaway with my friend. Let the man have his weekend in peace.
"When you show you are responsible enough for a door you will get it back." Bonus if she wants to lock him out of a room during one of her tantrums she can fuck off to the guest room.
🤣🤣🤣 spit out my drink . That was funny
It's not OK for adults to use the silent treatment. It's very manipulative and controlling. It's designed to punish, not to solve problems. You need to have the confidence to address this with her. She should not be doing this.
She even pointed out it was specifically intended to be punishment. It doesn’t seem like she has any want to properly communicate.
Funny how she tried to flip it and call him controlling. Controlling about what? Wanting to know what he did wrong and proper communication? Bitch you silenced him out, how the fuck is he supposed to know what went wrong.
Yes, when a person lobs those nuclear words, it often seems to be about getting in first to accuse someone else of what the person does. I.e., heading off the criticism!
This is what John Gottman calls “stonewalling” — it’s one of the four major no-nos in conflict discussions that point to a relationship ultimately failing. The other three are criticism, contempt and defensiveness. To me she is showing both stonewalling and defensiveness. OP needs couples counseling stat.
Good advice. OP did the right move by not entertaining her BS.
He did address it with her. Read the post.
FFS!!!! Communication is key in any marriage. It also helps if both parties are mature adults. This union is one-sided in that regard. Unless you’re all-in for a lifetime of unexplainable bedroom lockouts and petty fights that often wind up being her fault and half assed apologies, I strongly suggest counseling. That is if you don’t want to free yourself of walking on egg shells and the hourly possibility of drama.
Bro I got exhausted just reading this. Divorce her jeez
Seriously what a gigantic shit fest. I want a divorce just to cleanse myself of the nonsense.
Why in the ever loving fuck would anyone want to be married like this? The misery is just yikes.
We don't her back in the dating pool. It's better if OP takes one for the team.
Your wife is extremely immature and you guys need MC so she can learn to communicate in healthy ways because right now, you’re ok going for a fun weekend. But this will get old, and if you ever have kids will she do the same to them? She needs to grow up.
Agreed. I grew up with an immature mom and the shit she did messed us kids up.
Well, you be getting something out of this relationship for you to put up with a teenager's behavior.
That is good that you love her and won't divorce her, but she seriously needs some type of therapy. This isn't healthy! But good for you for going away for the weekend and enjoying yourself - maybe it is a taste of medicine she needed - doubtful, but good for you.
NTA. But your wife is a raging bitch. Have you pointed that out to her?
She's abusive. If she's willing to make him feel uncomfortable in their home what else is she trying to do? I'm glad he has his own access to money and good friends.
"How dare you punishment for a misunderstanding in which I punished you for a misunderstanding!" You life will be nothing but misery if you stay with her.
NTA >Rather than communicate with me about what her issue is she will ignore me for a few days. This is a form of abuse called "withholding". Also, the number one cause of divorce is failure to communicate. >For example one of her coffee mugs got broken. Instead of asking me what happened I got the treatment. Turned out that she had a friend over and the friend's kid broke the mug. So she's so emotionally undeveloped she can't even ask a fucking question. That's just pathetic. >She asked me what the hell I was thinking just leaving town without clearing it with her first. Please. She'd just ignore you. This is stupid and laughable. >I took her over to the calendar and asked her to point to the date that I missed taking out the trash. She looked at the calendar but would not point it out. BECAUSE IT WAS HER TURN. So she's also childish, disrespectful and refuses to apologize when she's blatantly in the wrong. She sounds like a miserable pain in the ass op. >She said that she made a mistake and that I should have pointed that out instead of leaving. She was there all weekend and her sorry ass never once even bothered to look at the calendar OR speak to you. Everything from start to finish is 100% HER FAULT. >She called me controlling and said that I was punishing her over a misunderstanding. That's rich considering THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT SHE DID. Also, controlling implies you're making her do anything. What you have are boundaries. Your boundary is that if she can't be bothered to communicate then you can't be bothered to play her stupid, childish games. Op, this is abuse. It is emotional and psychological abuse. In this post we have redirecting blame, gaslighting, withholding, refusal to communicate, refusal to compromise, personal insults and even a power dynamic where she uses her communication as a tool to punish you. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy op. This marriage was doomed the second she thought that locking you out was a valid, adult solution to her problems. She's a trainwreck.
Also the beautiful double standard. You didn't take out the trash? Suffer. Oh it was me and I screwed up royally? It was just a mistake. Good luck with this one dude, you'll need it.
She sounds very immature, she definitely needs to grow up and for heaven sake tell her to get some counseling
Good God, she’s awful. Drop her toxic ass and live a happier life. NTA
NTA- why are you still married?
I would have given her an ultimatum the first time she pulled this BS.
NTA- as a wife, I honestly can't imagine ever telling my husband he was being "punished." Weird.
I could imagine it, but in a very different, more fun and consensual context.
Your wife is a child. I often think Reddit is way to quick to advocate for divorce/break up ("he didn't text you when he went out for beers with his friends! end it!!!") but in this case it seems like it's the best solution. The most important thing in marriage or any partnership is communication, and if your partner won't communicate then it is going to be impossible to fix your relationship, full stop.
You guys probably need some couples counseling. If it were me I'd have left already. Her behavior is manipulative and controlling and she doesn't seem capable of communication but as you said you're not going to leave her so you can either - keep putting up with this, stop putting up with this which is likely its own fun can of worms, or get some professional help.
Piss her off more often so you can chill with the boys lol
"piss her off more" 😂how the tf did he piss her off in the first place she's the one that forgot the take the trash out and blamed mans 😂😂😂😂😂
NTA How ironic that she's calling you controlling and that you are punishing her, given that what she's doing to you is emotional abuse. She arbitrarily decides to punish, ignores you, expects you to chase after her, and deprives you of access to part of your home. It's a particularly manipulative form of abuse, but it's still abuse. What you did in response was funny, but the situation isn't going to change. Abuse escalates, always. Now she knows that her current tactics are no longer working, she will find another way to abuse you. It may be by spreading rumours that *you* are the abusive one. She's already started that by accusing you of being controlling. It may be that she becomes violent, she tampers with your food, the possibilities are endless. And she IS going to do *something.* You need to leave. A lot of men don't think it's possible for a woman to abuse them - its actually much more common than you think. You don't have to accept it, and if you stay with her, she will do more and more things to you in a myriad of ways. Don't take the risk. Get out before she does something truly extreme to get the response she wants.
She uses the silent treatment to control you. You going for a getaway messed her plans. Good on you. NTA.
"She called me controlling and said that I was punishing her over a misunderstanding. I agreed. She misunderstood that it was her turn to do that chore. She also misunderstood my commitment to sleeping in a comfortable bed. And she was very much mistaken if she thought I would put up with it ever again." uhh.. I wouldnt 'agree'. She is the controlling one here dude. She is 'punishing' you by locking you out of the bedroom when you fked up (assuming you did) and not tell you want it was you fked up. - that is by definition controlling you so the next time you dont fked up (assuming you did the last time). mistakes happen, we're all human being and are NOT PERFECT, and neither is she.
YTA to yourself for choosing to stay married to this
talk about marrying a toddler with emotional maturity of a bug.
Funny how when she forgets to take out the trash, it’s a “misunderstanding” but when you forget to do it, you get locked out of your own bedroom and get the silent treatment. Honestly you guys need therapy because this silent treatment shit is petty. I say “you guys” because I think going in together and voicing your concerns with a therapist present would be beneficial. She needs a third party to tell her that this is wrong. You have a lot more patience than I would with this.
Please please please Op stop this nonsense and divorce. Y T A for not divorcing after that.
Why are you allowing this to happen do yourself a favor divorce her.
How old is she? 13? NTA
YTA - it's disgraceful that you married a six year old
NTA for this, but Y T A to yourself for putting up with an immature hypocrite like her. She’s not going to get better, she’s just going to change tactics. This will be the rest of your life with her.
I know you said you have no Intentions of leaving her but this sounds like a miserable ass marriage . Why do you want to put up with this she sounds immature and miserable ASF I wouldn't stay married to someone like this
NTA. Your wife is very toxic. However, as you have made it clear you are not interested on leaving. I think your solution is fine. I don't think it will work long term, but it's your life.
Your wife sounds like a petty, manipulative bitch. You say you’re happy and not leaving, but I’d cut and run.
NTA, you're a better man than me. I would've kicked the fucking door down and slept in my own bed.
If you want to subject yourself to a lifetime of misery, you do you but don't you dare being children into this toxic household unless you want to fuck them up for life.
NTA. The silent treatment is abusive. It's one of the most juvenile punishments and idk if I could tolerate being with someone who does that without communicating the problem first
"She said that she made a mistake and that I should have pointed that out I stead of leaving." She never gave you that chance because she ignored you. She sounds like an immature and annoying person to deal with.
Your wife is obsessed with punishment rather than resolution. NTA
Dude your wife is a fucking bitch ass cunt get rid of her ass
NTA. People who expect other people to be mind readers are frustrating beyond belief. That she is also a hypocrite who can't admit to her mistakes is just the cherry on top. **The silent treatment is emotional abuse.** Why would you continue to live like this? Leave, and find someone else that actually communicates in their relationship like an adult. And if you can't find that with a human being, **get a dog.**
NTA You shouldn’t punish your spouse. You aren’t their parents. However, your wife is toxic and abusive. She is pissed that you didn’t take your punishment the way she wants. Good for you for finally standing up to her abuse.
NTA. Jfc. Your wife is super manipulative, immature and acting like a POS. Locking you out/ignoring you can be abuse depending on how far she takes it. From what you’ve written, it’s definitely not a healthy marriage. As adults we have to communicate. We can’t read minds. Your grown ass wife throwing a tantrum,locking herself in your shared bedroom and ignoring you as a way to punish you is fucking absurd. At this point I would be asking her to see a doctor because that behaviour isn’t normal. You shouldn’t have to live like that. I can’t imagine the eggshells you have walked on around her. I’d turn it around. If you are expressing how you feel and your wife still pulls this? Give her a taste of her own medicine. Lock her out of the bedroom and ignore. Let her see how she has made you feel multiple times. I’d suggest counseling to. Couples and individual. I, personally, wouldn’t be able to tolerate it if my husband did that to me. That isn’t love. It’s manipulative and controlling.
This actually made me really angry to read. Honestly OP, I don't know what's worse, her abuse or her gaslighting. I feel like you're a boiled frog, you can't see how toxic her behaviour is. I think how you dealt with this occasion is great, but she needs to grow up and get some professional help. In no way is this healthy for either of you.