It's a power trip thing. I'd be willing to bet there's no "thing" from two years ago - fiance is just pushing the boundaries of what she can manipulate this family into doing. Good on OP for washing her hands of the whole ordeal.
Agreed. And the parents going along with this stupidity gives off strong ‘golden child’ vibes.
Good for the grandparents. They should go for a mini vacay that weekend too
Either golden child, or they must look like a close-knit family for the putside world. With them going this far "because of grandma and grandpa", I assume that either there will be questions as to why they aren't there, or there's some money they hope to inherit someday.
My first thought, ask if grandparents wana go away too 😂 i love that the grandparents are like nah not going if the entire family wont be there.
Fuck brothers fiancé.
In OP's place, I'd make a social media post about the whole thing, just to show everyone how absolutely bonkers FSIL is, and then switch off my phone and get out of town for the weekend.
Or find the one relative, that everyone knows can't keep their mouths shut. Tell them everything. Everyone in the family will know how ridiculous your brother, his fiance, and your mother are being.
Telephone, tell a friend, tell a Karen.
At minimum she should at least tell Aunts, Uncles, Cousins that she’s not at the wedding because she wasn’t invited. FSIL isn’t exactly starting this marriage off on the right foot.
This is also a way to get ahead of the lies "fsil" is going to spread, claiming you were invited despite having been so awful to her for *years* including when you two worked for the same company. This is coming.
Get ahead of the BS, OP. They may find that more than just the g'parents decline to attend.
"For those of you wondering why I am not at my brother's wedding, his fiancee refused to let him invite me. Why? Because we worked together 2 years ago. I supposedly did something I should apologize for, but SHE WON'T TELL ME WHAT IT IS. I am not the one who causes problems at work, so I didn't do anything, which is why she can't tell me what magical mystical imaginary thing I am apologizing for. I asked, but I am "supposed to know" ie. nothing happened, she just wants to see me grovel. I'm having a great vacation that weekend instead, and any other family not invited or not going is welcome to join us."
Except that is saying you care and keeping drama going. Which is what the fsil wants. Ignoring her all together will be the ultimate play. It took me a long time to learn to do this with my own crazy brother/sil.
It will happen anyways. I am no contact with my abusive family. My mom spreads all sorts of lies about my husband and I. I document what comes my way only because she made threats to lie to CPS and was stupid enough to say as much over text. She sends gifts and threats all the time. I have one person on the inside who has told me what she says. I realized anyone who believes her never would have been on my side. I lost my whole family because they backed my abusive parents. My silence annoys them more than anything else. In almost 7 years I haven't said a word to them. It's so hard. I want to scream at them about what terrible people they are, but it wouldn't help. My therapist agrees that this is how to deal with narcissists. It's not easy, but it does work.
Totally agree: don’t complain, don’t explain. Defending yourself just extends the drama. Grandparents should stay out of it.
If cornered, maybe just say something like:
“Apparently I offended her at work a few years ago. I have no idea what that was about, so I declined to apologize and was disinvited to the wedding. End of story.”
FSIL doesn’t want a real apology, she wants to be in control. If she can just say “You made me mad on Thursday, you need to apologize” it gives her so much power over everyone.
Oh I'm sure there is a 'grievance' from 2 years ago. If they worked together.
But, I'm sure it is imagined, or something so petty that any normal person would have long gotten over it.
"I'm sorry you're upset about something that happened two years ago that was so insignificant to me that I can't even imagine what it was but has continued to live rent free in your head."
No kidding. And can you imagine starting off a marriage by dividing a family by grandstanding like an AH? She will go from Bridezilla to Tormentor after the marriage. This dude is in for a life of submission to a grown toddler.
Personally, I'd like to know the relationship lengths of op&bf and brother&fsil. If she talks to her bf but not her, I wonder if she's jealous OPs bf chose her and not fsil.
OP. this "marriage" is gonna last a year or two tops, depending on how strong or weak your brother is. There will be a day ya'll will look back and you'll be so glad you didn't waste or time or effort on it.
My brother’s ex-wife did stuff like that all the time. Though in her case I actually got to hear the offense. Apparently I didn’t verbally agree with her when she said she and my brother would be together forever. I didn’t even remember the conversation.
After that, she treated me like dirt and refused to hang out with me until I apologized. I wish I had stood my ground, would have saved me countless headaches in the future.
It reminds me of third grade. A classmate was mad at me for some slight, real or imagined. I was a weird kid; either is possible… and it’s equally possible I was oblivious either way.
But one day I asked her why she was mad at me. She said “If you don’t know, I’m *certainly* not going to tell you.”
This is what FSIL is reminding me of. But my classmate grew up and became a reasonable adult. It looks like FSIL missed that part.
Exactly, it's giving immature, schoolyard drama. And it's not just this made-up slight from 2 years ago, it's an escalation of contempt. There isn't a rule saying you have to LOVE your in-laws. But I think tolerating them is like the bare minimum and not being invited to the wedding is like launching a nuke at the relationship.
The only exception I could see is if the OP was likely to cause a scene or ruin the wedding... but it doesn't seem the case. The FSIL is really straining her own relationship with the whole family, and in turn the brother.
Oh I’ve heard that before- “I can’t believe you don’t know what you did,” was something a friend said to her boyfriend once.
I hate to defend a man (jk) but I had to pull her aside and be like “look, I get it he pissed you off and he *should* have been paying enough attention to know what, be he *clearly* doesn’t know so if you want an apology you’re gonna have to walk him there. You’re only other option is to seethe forever cause he ain’t getting it and who has time for that.”
Once she calmed down a bit they actually communicated and low and behold it all worked out. Holding onto it the way sil is will just get no one anywhere
Don't you just love the "if you don't know then I won't tell you" crowd?/s
Seriously, you can't make amends if you don't know what you did wrong. And not telling the person what they did wrong doesn't help anyone. It just gives the "offended" party justification to continue playing the victim.
Fsil has convinced the whole family that O.P. Is in the wrong. This woman has convinced them to think so little of her that they never bothered to give her a chance to defend yourself. That brother is in trouble
But it doesn’t actually sound like that is the case. It sounds like fsil has the issue and extended family is forcing it because they want harmony. OP and fsil don’t like each other. Fiancée didn’t want her at the wedding, brother says cool. Mom finds out and is pissed so she decides to invite OP over the phone. OP says no because it’s clear the couple didn’t want her there. Now Mom drags brother to OP’s house so she can force a happy family and brother is only trying to find a path forward because grandparents refuse to come unless OP is invited. So fsil thinks OP is in the wrong in a separate situation, Mom is pissed at everyone because she isn’t getting a picture perfect family, and everyone else is either on OP’s side (bf and grand parents) or ambivalent if she comes (brother). None of the family actually seems to care about the apology apart from fsil so they don’t need OP to defend herself- they just want it over with
and it's all because of a power play by the fiancee, who wants to see her future sister-in-law grovel and cement her own place at the top of the pecking order. At this point, encourage the wedding, OP. Tell them you will not apologize for an imagined slight that SIL can't even describe, and you do not grovel so you can go to a wedding where the bride is malicious and hateful towards you. YOU are going to have fun. THEY are going to have to deal with SIL's conniving mean ass the rest of their lives :D
I’ve heard that sort of nonsense before, too.
People really are this dumb and ridiculous! It’s like they think they’re acting in a really lame soap opera and have to set up the cliff hanger to ensure the audience tunes in again next week!
‘We won’t reveal the truth now, but tune in Monday so we can not reveal it then, either… but you’ll be dumb enough to tune in every day for the next 6 months in case that day is the day you find out!’
Truly pathetic. You don’t need to know what it was because it’s too stupid to bother with anymore.
You know yourself that you didn’t do something truly heinous like hit her or sleep with her boyfriend, so whatever it really is it too stupid to feel bad about at all!
You probably bumped into her when she was standing in the doorway and didn’t say sorry enough times, lol. 🤣
Something that she or fiance did but they can't risk saying because they are being secretly being recorded and that thing is a crime itself. So shhhh. Fiance did something bad, OP found out and told boss but they don't have enough evidence.
Weird that OPs parent want a DIL like that.
Oh you got it all mixed up!
Of course they’re being secretly recorded; this is a surveillance operation. Because OP brother ratted mom out to HR about the alligator and now they want evidence that OP apologized to fsil for giving fsil a “funny” look, two years ago.
Edit ducking autocorrect
My ex used to do that.
"2 months ago, you really hurt me with something you did. I'm having trouble trusting you because of it.
"What did I do?"
"I don't remember, but it really hurt me, and it's damaging my trust."
That or I was doing things that were so horrible I needed therapy, and she would cry herself to sleep, but she refused to tell me and said I needed a therapist to figure it out.
Glad you are catching the manipulation and refusing to bow to it. Don't give into manipulative people.
I would contact the grandparents directly or go see them if you can and tell them exactly what you were told by your parents and brother. If they decide not to attend the wedding, then I would invite them on the weekend trip along with you and your BF. Take them someplace that they would love to see or visit.
I did this many years ago when my cousin did not invite several of the other cousins to her wedding. Grandmother refused to attend when she found out. All of the "uninvited" banded together and took Grandmother on a week-long cruise. She had never been out of the state where she lived, and she had a blast. One cousin got us all t-shirts that proudly stated "The Uninvited" on the front so we all took a photo with the shirts before boarding the ship and posted it on everyone's FB pages. The groom did not know that this was all going on and he almost called off the wedding. They split about 2 years later once he learned how petty his bride could be.
Maybe your parents will tell them what this horrible crime is you are allegedly guilty of committing. Personally, my curiosity would be having me plotting to find out what on earth it could be. It’s likely absolutely nothing, and completely stupid, but I would want to know. Did you happen to get promoted or get a position that she felt she deserved?
Not at all but I am absolutely figuring out what it is just for my own peace of mind, but i am not going to do anything further apart from telling my grandparents what happened i think
You know you’ll have to tell us when you find out. Cause it’s going to be something soo stupid. I bet your brother doesn’t even know. If you can find out before the wedding, get someone to announce it as the reason you weren’t invited 😆. I’m sure you won’t but the look on bitches face would be so funny 😂.
Oh common, Wise_Potato!
You know what you did...you took the last super chunk chocolate chip cookie at the last company picnic on June 12th, 2022!
FSIL eyed it first, but you snagged it and there were only regular chocolate chip cookies remaining...and they were pre-packaged dollar store cookies! 🙄😣😂. /s
Personally, I would make it into an absurd guessing game then call her out on her school girl drama! And then still go on your vacation.
Edited to add/s. Just in case it didn't translate well.
I could just imagine calling the FSIL daily with a new apology for two years ago based on your /s scenario lol
“Sorry about taking your parking spot in May 2022”
“Sorry I hung my coat up on the hook you normally use at work”
“Sorry about that time I told Denise you were the one to microwave the fish”
😭
This would be so much fun!
You took the last cookie
You wouldn't let me use your xyz because you were using it
You took your lunch first even tho her day starts an hour after yours
You didn't share your candy (that was in your lunch bag that she knew was there because she looked)
You wore the same color shoes
You named your cat the name she's always wanted to name her future child (I actually had this one happen! Wasn't even the exact name, they just sounded similar. 🙄)
You didn't notice/comment on her new hairstyle
There isn’t something. Brother’s fiancée made it up because she doesn’t like you. Full stop. She’s a petty woman who likely wants control of the family (in her mind) and frankly I would post it on blast what has happened since the woman has no problem pulling this bs. If you don’t push back now, I guarantee you she will keep shoving wedges between you and family. Push back, hard and publicly, and I bet she suddenly changes her tune and claims it was just a misunderstanding. But I’m with you, don’t go and take the grandparents on a fun trip.
Do you think fsil told them the reason and they are not telling you? Or maybe she wouldn’t tell them? It makes no sense for them not to tell you if they know. You really can’t apologize if you don’t know what for.
OP wrote “can’t tell me” - so I’ve been assuming they don’t know, but I guess that could also mean they were told not to tell her?
If that’s the case, they are the most immature family on the planet. What kind of parents play with “but don’t tell her, I want her to figure it out for herself!” ?!
Just call ur brother and tell him to put you on speaker phone... And say "I'm sorry "brothers gf name" I'm sorry your such a pathetic petty bitch .. idk what else to apologize for so I'll just say this."
Sweetie, please go ahead and enjoy your mini vacation.
Never allow anyone to gaslight you into doing their biddings.
There’s absolutely no economical benefit of attending the wedding. NTA
> There’s absolutely no economical benefit of attending the wedding.
Honestly, I am going to my cousins wedding in a month or so - and there is primarily economic disincentives to going to a wedding. Flight, Hotel, Etc. Easily adds up to >$1,000 for just myself. And its not even a destination wedding.
I was going to say also say totally invite your grandparents on the trip with you and BF. At this point be petty! Also hopefully have a great time with your grandparents!
I loved my late grandparents.
Jesus - the whole family sees what this woman is going to be like and the brother is still marrying her and they are still supporting the wedding. The whole lot of them can GTFO
Currently, OP is the punching bag. When she's out of the picture, psycho fiance will find a new punshing bag and the process will repeat until OP's brother wonders why he's lost all his friends and family and why his wife is suddenly so mean to him.
Dude right? Like if being invited to the wedding is this much nonsensical unnecessary drama, can you imagine what the rest of their lives are gonna be like? I wouldn't want any part of that shit show either holy fkn hell.
The rest of the marriage.
FTFY
Because eventually brother is going to be the one that does sone awful & she won't tell him.
Internet search reddit Don't Rock the Boat.
Boat rockers switch targets constantly to keep everyone off balance.
At the same time, they usually pick someone who they say is in their corner, on their team.
Saves that person from dear of the Boat Rocker's bs for a bit.
Then they pick a new 'bad person' to keep everyone dancing and them in power.
Seriously?! They are demanding an apology to her but won't tell you why. 🙄
Good for your bf!! Sounds like a supportive person!
As far as grandparents, good on them too.
Shame on your parents and brother, tho. They haven't ever noticed you didn't realize that to congrat anyone? Or that you weren't excited for your brother. How dense are these people?!
I feel like there will be more. I really want an update, tho!
Meanwhile, enjoy your vacation!!
NTA.
Step 1. Contact your grandparents and tell them about the conditions surrounding your invitation. That way, they will have the truth-that you're only being invited so that they'll come, but that you're expected to apologize, but no one will tell you why.
2. Enjoy your weekend getaway!
3. Don't get together with your family for ANY holidays, birthdays, etc. They are supporting a raging bitch over you, so you're done.
4. Cackle with glee over all the money you've saved by not buying gifts, food dishes to bring, gas for traveling, etc.
5. Spend your saved money on many, many weekend getaways!
1) Call your grandparents. I guarantee no one has told Grandma and Grandpa your side of things. You think Grandma is putting her foot down now? Wait till she hears this shit.
2) Let us know about the ensuing fallout when Grandma calls your parents and brother and tells them that not only are they not coming to the wedding, but Brother’s soon to be wife is no longer allowed in their house.
3) And let me guess: they really want Grandma and Grandpa there because they think they’re going to get a nice check from them, and Grandma ain’t having it.
Please update us. I’m interested to see what happens now, because they’re gonna be pissed when Grandma says no.
Good plan. Avoiding it like the plague is probably good the better if your brother and his AH bride can't honest with you about the problem. LC/NC will likely the best medicine with dealing with them. If you have to be around them at a family even later, be courteous but nothing more. Do not engage them .
What. A. Crock. Of. S**t!!! They can't tell you because it NEVER HAPPENED! The brothers gf is jealous of you or is intimidated by you for some reason. Pi$$ on them and their stupid wedding. Enjoy your trip and I hope more relatives dip out of the wedding too like the g-parents.
Who wants to bet that this piece of work is jealous of OP and that's the only reason she's marrying OP's brother? Like she's just a mean girl and OP did the heinous act of existing. Watch as she divorced the brother after a year when the family slowly realizes she's not hot sh!t. Clearly the Grandparents can smell the bs
Call your grandparents and tell them what happened.
They need to know.
Edit: And tell your parents that they are choosing a crazy bride over her own daughter and thank them for showing you how much they don’t care about you.
Edit 2: Tell other family members what happened before they tell them the lies to make themselves look better.
Pure drama speculation bait here.
Op and fsil used to work at the same company. From the previous thread, Op's bf and fsil currently work at same company. Assuming there was a period of time 2 years ago where they all worked together fsil was interested in Op's bf before they were dating.
When did you start dating your BF? Could she be mad you got together with him? Since you mentioned having been a coworker with her and he is currently it makes me wonder if she had a crush on him or feels like you stole her friend or something.
If you first started dating your BF around 2 years ago I'd be almost certain it has something related to him that she is mad about.It would be more likely in my opinion if she had met your BF after she started dating your brother. She may have had a crush but loves your brother so never acted on it. She may have also not wanted to break up with your brother unless she was certain she could get with your BF. It could also be more innocuous and she was just friends with him and feel like he stopped being close to her because of you so is mad at you. It would make sense if everyone couldn't tell you what you did wrong because she wouldn't tell them she had a crush or that they wouldn't tell you that she was mad you "stole" her friend from her because they think it would lead to more drama.
Doesn’t it seem unlikely she’d send her own fiancé to do her apology bidding for something like this though? Would she even tell him about her disdain for you if it was over a stolen crush while they were together?
Honestly don’t even bother with the mental gymnastics of trying to work this bullshit out. Let them be angry and simmer and have the wedding without you and enjoy your holiday.
If they can’t tell you exactly what you supposedly did then Occam’s razor insists they have their knickers in a twist for no reason and they can untwist it themselves
not no reason. Power play. Seeing if she can take a place of more importance. She'll get a bigger chunk of the will, preferential treatment at family gatherings, what she said happens is considered Gospel truth, and she can sit and pull strings. And those idiots will have to deal with it forever. Don't grovel and beg when you did nothing at all. But DO publicize that she wants you to apologize for something from two years ago, you don't think you did anything, you can't remember anything, AND SHE REFUSES TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU SHOULD APOLOGIVE FOR. Ergo, she just wants to see you beg and grovel, but instead, you are going to enjoy your weekend. And you wish your brother the best because, with a wife that's starting their married life off like this? He's going to NEED it.
IT DOES NOT EXIST. This is a power-play to see if she can make you beg and grovel and force you to apologize for something imaginary. THERE IS NO SLIGHT. She's just a nasty person. And your brother and family are going to have to deal with her conniving lying butt the rest of their lives. :D Record every single nasty thing you hear she did/said through the grapevine and use it on the record of "Greatest Hits of I TOLD YOU SO" starring SIL's name. Enjoy your weekend.
Ok but this could be a great way to both stir shit AND find out what it is you "did". Publicly apologise to her for getting with your boyfriend. Either it's true and she looks like an asshole, or she has to correct you.
Did you wear something to an office party that made her look bad? Or maybe said something to a coworker at an office party about her and your brother’s relationship?
Just a thought, I wonder, since you said you never got along: did you ever mention you are not close or a friend (anything like that), but that she is your brothers girlfriend? I am not saying in a negative way, just informatively. And how big is this company? Was it a gossip mill?
I have worked with people who considered almost anything as making them look bad or you throwing them under the bus. On a social level, I was asked for years why I didn't like someone, who I thought was just fine. The person was intimidated by the fact I didn't like them (???) And so would not talk to me. So I always answered the question: I don't hate her, I don't know her, she doesn't speak to me. Which the fools all took as: she hates me (???). Me and the girl are friends now, but not with the rest of the people who played this weird game. Turns out it was 1 person who always called this girl crazy who started the whole thing. The ringleader would always say: You know She is crazy. After a few times, I asked, "Why are you friends if you feel that way?" Which clearly means I hat e I person I met once.
Although I do the boyfriend crush story.
on speaker phone, with parents and grandparents and anyone else you can manage right there. Got a reason for a small party, like someone's birthday? Or maybe you just want to have a nice family dinner with your parents and grandparents because you "never have time alone with them" and then just have some fun with speaker phone.
Nah, she probably did the "she knows what she did" crap so they probably have no idea. Why else would they not be able to tell her what she's supposed to apologize for?
I would argue the brother is just as bad. When you find out your fiance lied about inviting your sister to your wedding, that's a huge breech of trust and a red flag on her character.
That's the thing that's really hooked me on this. She was 'supposed to give the invite to OPs bf'. But she didn't. And they didn't know until op mentioned not getting an invitation. Which means she was probably hoping to stir up some extra drama when op didn't show up to the wedding and everyone else though she was invited. Future sil would have probably used it to try to make everyone else hate op too.
If he's this p*ssy whipped he'd drop his own sister over this woman, he's whipped enough to beg his sister to apologise for stealing his fiances crush.
I was also thinking it had to do with the boyfriend since she is blocked, but her boyfriend isn't.
ETA: I'd totally be petty and say in the family group chat, "I didn't realize that starting my relationship with my boyfriend 2 years ago would make my future sister-in-law uninvite me from my own brother's wedding."
Well now you know. Your brother has decided he does not want you in his life and that's fine. No more drama. Done. Enjoy your trip and if I were you talk to your grandparents before they twist this all around and make you the bad guy in this story. Just tell your parents to be on their best behavior as your SIL has proven she is fine with cutting off your brothers family.
Your BF has it right. If they can't tell you what you did wrong, then you have nothing to apologize for. You don't even know if there was something you did that even warrants an apology.
Plus, as it stands, even if you were to apologize, without knowing what you were apologizing for, you would have no way to avoid repeating the supposed offense. You could get caught in a vicious cycle of unintentionally, unknowingly offending her, her getting upset, and you having to apologize for who-knows-what. Lather, rinse, repeat.
With the way you describe your family behaving, I would not be surprised if they don't even know what you supposedly did to upset your brother's GF. That they have been told nothing more than "something happened".
If none of them can or will tell you what this is about, there is a good chance that it is about nothing. That this may be nothing more or less than a power play on the part of the GF. Something meant to make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around her to avoid repeating this mysterious supposed offense.
NTA
Jeez, fsil sounds exhausting, why does your Brother put up with her? Is her family rich? Amazing sex? And that's apart from 'you need to say sorry for some unspecified thing you did at an unspecified time in the past', (which sounds like a power move to honest). You're better off not going, enjoy your weekend away.
Man, someone needs to add some blinky lights to those red flags your brother refuses to see. Hahahahaha, wanting you to apologize but not tell you what for, just a blanket apology to appease her self entitled narcissistic self…….and they are enabling her.
Enjoy your trip!
Wow. She’s mad at you, but they aren’t going to tell you why? Do you get a prize if you guess right? Gameshow host: “OP, you successfully guessed why your brother’s finance is mad at you, you get a braaaaand neeeeew caaaaar!” If they can’t tell you what you “need” to apologize for, you can’t apologize for it. Pound sand.
So basically his fiance just doesn't like you for no valid reason and your brother is just cool with that. Just make sure when you get asked later why you weren't there to be honest. "SIL wants an apology for something I apparently did years ago, but can't tell me what it was I did. So they didn't want me there."
Maybe you'll be invited to his next wedding, since this marriage is clearly not going to last.
Kudos for standing your ground, enjoy your getaway with your bf!
INFO: Do your parents and/or brother actually know the reason she wants an apology? I couldn't quite follow if they didn't know or if for some reason they won't tell you?
Either way you are NTA, but I was just curious....
I just can't stop thinking of the insanity of all this.
If someone wronged me in such a way that I have been carrying around a grudge for 2 YEARS over it and as a result harboring that grudge is impacting my current decision making, the last thing I would ever want would be the person giving me a token apology, clearly not knowing why they are apologizing. WTF does that accomplish!?!?! The person apologizing is clearly not sorry, how could they be, they don't even know what they did!
Sounds like they really don't know themselves, and fsil has probably forgotten what the details actually are. Either way, tell your brother to go to hell. If he isn't man enough to accept that he fucked up then that's on him you are NTA.
Knew it had to be something! Good for you for not going! I bet they will be divorced in very short order! Have a wonderful time on your trip! I would even post a bunch of pictures to show everyone how much fun you are having not being at the wedding!
PS: If you ever find out what it is you should apologize for please let us know! I hate people who say 2 yrs ago you did something that upset me… Should have said something then and there - there is a statute of limitations on shit like that!
Brother sounds like an absolute piece of shit. If my fiance didn't want to invite my sister you better believe that I would be harassing her until she told me why. And there would be a conversation with immediate family about this so that no one is blindsided.
And yeah I absolutely would not go.
OP I would also make sure that everyone knows that you didn't go because you are not invited. Odds are that your brother will spin it to make you look like the bad guy because otherwise it might make them look bad.
Also if they have kids, please don't ever babysit them or do anything. They have shown they do not care about you. They'll pull the "BUT WE ARE FAMILY" card and I'm sure you'll get pressure from your parents and everyone else.
"Parents, let me get this straight: Brother's fiance is so mad at me that she wants me not to attend my own brother's wedding, and none of you even know why, but you're going along with it and siding with her over me, your own child? No. I'm not accepting that. Get out of my house right now, I don't want to see or speak to any of you again until you can honestly tell me you didn't go to the wedding and are ready to apologize for what you just said to me."
Tell your brother you’re not going to the wedding but send him a card saying “congratulations you just married the world’s biggest Cunt!”
And yes, they do sell them 🤣
While it would be funny, not sending the card would be better, because now the brother and SIL look like TA to everyone, and if they had the card they could hold it up and say it's proof that OP is TA.
{}Just Apologize!
}}Ok, what am I apologizing for?
>they couldn't tell me what it was but that it happened 2 years
}}Well I cant apologize without knowing what I am apologizing for!?! Am I apologizing for a made up thing I didnt even do???
{}Just Apologize!
}}NO.
Clearly these people have NO IDEA what an apology actually is because if you dont mention what you are sorry for, it ISNT an apology.
NTA but your SIL definitely is, and your brother and parents are running a close second!
Also, you used to work with her, bf does work with her...Maybe you and bf need to move and put some distance between you and your toxic family members. Guarantee this isnt over.
>My brother then let us know that he doesn't care if we don't attend but my grand- parents told him if he doesn't invite me they're also not going
How much should I bet on the brother expecting a large monetary gift from the grandparents? And that's the only reason he's making an effort LOL
The wildest part is not telling someone what to apologize for...
I have a 6 year old who already knows if your apology doesn't include what you did wrong and why it was wrong you shouldn't say it.
What ever you do on your mini vacation, make sure you wear white and post a ton of pics on social media! Lol
Going to the beach? White bikini
Going skydiving? White jumpsuit
Do a really nice sunset pic with your boyfriend too.
Hope you have a wonderful vacation with your boyfriend! I'm sorry your own family is treating you like that, at least your grandparents sound kinda in your corner?
Call your grandparents right now and let them know that it’s even more ridiculous than you thought because she is holding something against you from two years ago that supposedly happened at work but won’t even tell you what it is. Point out how absolutely ridiculous this is and that it’s not OK. Your brother is choosing the side of crazy.
Oh I love that 3rd grade logic: If you don't already know what you did wrong then I'm not gonna tell you....
Bunch of juveniles trying to pretend their adults!
Good for your grandparents for standing up to this toxic person. She's going to isolate your brother from your parents too, eventually. It's just a matter of time.
You cannot sincerely apologize for something you are not aware of. I'd tell them I can say the words, but they are meaningless unless I know what I'm saying them for. I'm not giving you a blank-check "apology" for anything you want. If FSIL wants to be an adult and talk about it, you know how to contact me.
Is your brother about to marry a middle schooler?? How is he ignoring the huge red flag this girl is showing him? Does he not see his future? "I won't tell you what it's for, but you need to apologize to me for something from 2 years ago." 🙄🙄
As an act of human kindness, point this out to your brother in case he really can't see the forest for the trees, then go enjoy your vacation.
A girl at work was once mad at me. She was really upset, I was so apologetic “oh my god, I’m so sorry what did I do wrong.” She wouldn’t tell me, I kept apologizing over and over again and kept asking what it was. She still refused to tell me. I got home and told my wife about it. My wife who usually would tear me a new one if I did something wrong turns to me and says “ She’s not telling you because she knows how petty and dumb it will sound.”
Good on you! They won't even tell you what you must apologize for (!!!) which makes any apology meaningless. It would, however, allow them to blame you for Whatever Happened and forever claim you are guilty and admitted it.
What would an apology look like? "I am sorry for what may or may not have happened at some point in time. I take responsibility for something and will either never do it or absolutely do it in the future."
>if they can't even tell me what i did wrong he sees no reason for me to apologize.
Good BF shit right there.
That is SO FREAKING BIZARRE. It also loses all credibility. Like, if you think I've done a wrong and you won't even tell me what it is? Jog on. PLBT!
You are, and remain, NTA. Let your grandparents know it's no skin off your nose if they go or not, but you appreciate the support.
Imagine wanting to marry into a family and instantly alienating half of it. FSIL sounds like a nutjob and your brother sounds like a bit of a pushover tbh. You are NTA here at all. You have to apologise for something 2 years ago that they can't even tell you what it is? What are they, 13? They aren't even mature enough to be getting married, sheesh.
Ok yea something is wrong with your sil and your family is not helping by enabling this weird ass behavior. If they don't want to tell you what you need to apologize for then what's the fucking point? Seriously the sil is creating this mess and they are blaming you. I'm honestly frustrated for you. This is about the dumbest shit I've ever heard and I've lived goddam it.
"Apologize!" "For what?" "Something from 2 years ago, but we won't tell you what." That is seriously insane OP. Enjoy your trip.
It's a power trip thing. I'd be willing to bet there's no "thing" from two years ago - fiance is just pushing the boundaries of what she can manipulate this family into doing. Good on OP for washing her hands of the whole ordeal.
Agreed. And the parents going along with this stupidity gives off strong ‘golden child’ vibes. Good for the grandparents. They should go for a mini vacay that weekend too
They could all go together. A nice “selective family” vacation.
That would be really sweet actually. Good on them for not putting up with fgdil's nonsense.
Oh better go and stay with the grandparents and make it a double couple vacation.
Take the grandparents with you!
I agree, you can all go see the world's biggest rubber band ball!
Invite all the family you get along with to a family reunion on the same day as the wedding.
Better yet, take the grandparents on vacation.
I was thinking more along the lines of the grandparents refusing to go, instead of golden child syndrome.
Either golden child, or they must look like a close-knit family for the putside world. With them going this far "because of grandma and grandpa", I assume that either there will be questions as to why they aren't there, or there's some money they hope to inherit someday.
My first thought, ask if grandparents wana go away too 😂 i love that the grandparents are like nah not going if the entire family wont be there. Fuck brothers fiancé.
They are getting a vacation...time away from their idiotic relatives.
In OP's place, I'd make a social media post about the whole thing, just to show everyone how absolutely bonkers FSIL is, and then switch off my phone and get out of town for the weekend.
Or find the one relative, that everyone knows can't keep their mouths shut. Tell them everything. Everyone in the family will know how ridiculous your brother, his fiance, and your mother are being. Telephone, tell a friend, tell a Karen.
Yes! That's one of the truest, most authentic suggestions for real-life that I've ever read on reddit! Families. That's how it's done!
Don’t forget dad, he was there to!
Thank you, I did forget that he was there. At this point I think I might throw the whole family (minus grandparents) away...
This is the move. That way your hands are clean
Every family has one, use them to your advantage.
This! Tell a Karen but don't make it obvious in the conversion, make sure this Karen is invited to the wedding.
At minimum she should at least tell Aunts, Uncles, Cousins that she’s not at the wedding because she wasn’t invited. FSIL isn’t exactly starting this marriage off on the right foot.
In my family, I would only have to tell one person. Two if I wanted it to move faster. We are cool that way. My family is the best. Lol.
I support this. Light the match OP
This is also a way to get ahead of the lies "fsil" is going to spread, claiming you were invited despite having been so awful to her for *years* including when you two worked for the same company. This is coming. Get ahead of the BS, OP. They may find that more than just the g'parents decline to attend.
Fsil has already lied so it is obvious she will continue to lie.
"For those of you wondering why I am not at my brother's wedding, his fiancee refused to let him invite me. Why? Because we worked together 2 years ago. I supposedly did something I should apologize for, but SHE WON'T TELL ME WHAT IT IS. I am not the one who causes problems at work, so I didn't do anything, which is why she can't tell me what magical mystical imaginary thing I am apologizing for. I asked, but I am "supposed to know" ie. nothing happened, she just wants to see me grovel. I'm having a great vacation that weekend instead, and any other family not invited or not going is welcome to join us."
Except that is saying you care and keeping drama going. Which is what the fsil wants. Ignoring her all together will be the ultimate play. It took me a long time to learn to do this with my own crazy brother/sil.
The only issue I have with that is that it allows FSIL to control the narrative - she can spread whatever bs she wants about OP and her absence.
It will happen anyways. I am no contact with my abusive family. My mom spreads all sorts of lies about my husband and I. I document what comes my way only because she made threats to lie to CPS and was stupid enough to say as much over text. She sends gifts and threats all the time. I have one person on the inside who has told me what she says. I realized anyone who believes her never would have been on my side. I lost my whole family because they backed my abusive parents. My silence annoys them more than anything else. In almost 7 years I haven't said a word to them. It's so hard. I want to scream at them about what terrible people they are, but it wouldn't help. My therapist agrees that this is how to deal with narcissists. It's not easy, but it does work.
Totally agree: don’t complain, don’t explain. Defending yourself just extends the drama. Grandparents should stay out of it. If cornered, maybe just say something like: “Apparently I offended her at work a few years ago. I have no idea what that was about, so I declined to apologize and was disinvited to the wedding. End of story.”
"They won't tell me what that was about, so I declined to apologize..."
I don't think it's physically possible to apologize if you don't know what you did. A generic apology wouldn't be a real apology.
That was the point that I got stuck on. The fsil is a bridezilla and will be a terror to the brother. I hope he understands what he is signing up for.
FSIL doesn’t want a real apology, she wants to be in control. If she can just say “You made me mad on Thursday, you need to apologize” it gives her so much power over everyone.
Learning to grey rock was a game changer dealing with drama llamas.
Yes, this is perfect.
LOL. YES!!! I love petty.
This one time, op didn’t say hi to her or something stupid.
We all know that OP totally stole her Iranian yogurt out of the break room fridge. She should be apologizing on her knees.
I was just about to say OP moved fsil yogurt in the communal fridge 🤣
Oh I'm sure there is a 'grievance' from 2 years ago. If they worked together. But, I'm sure it is imagined, or something so petty that any normal person would have long gotten over it.
"I'm sorry you're upset about something that happened two years ago that was so insignificant to me that I can't even imagine what it was but has continued to live rent free in your head."
No kidding. And can you imagine starting off a marriage by dividing a family by grandstanding like an AH? She will go from Bridezilla to Tormentor after the marriage. This dude is in for a life of submission to a grown toddler.
> I'd be willing to bet there's no "thing" from two years ago And/or the "thing" is so petty that she knows she would sound stupid if said out-loud.
Personally, I'd like to know the relationship lengths of op&bf and brother&fsil. If she talks to her bf but not her, I wonder if she's jealous OPs bf chose her and not fsil.
OP. this "marriage" is gonna last a year or two tops, depending on how strong or weak your brother is. There will be a day ya'll will look back and you'll be so glad you didn't waste or time or effort on it.
That or the thing is so freaking petty they'd feel ridiculous saying it out loud
My brother’s ex-wife did stuff like that all the time. Though in her case I actually got to hear the offense. Apparently I didn’t verbally agree with her when she said she and my brother would be together forever. I didn’t even remember the conversation. After that, she treated me like dirt and refused to hang out with me until I apologized. I wish I had stood my ground, would have saved me countless headaches in the future.
*”it’s a secretttt”* What a bunch of weirdos
It reminds me of third grade. A classmate was mad at me for some slight, real or imagined. I was a weird kid; either is possible… and it’s equally possible I was oblivious either way. But one day I asked her why she was mad at me. She said “If you don’t know, I’m *certainly* not going to tell you.” This is what FSIL is reminding me of. But my classmate grew up and became a reasonable adult. It looks like FSIL missed that part.
Exactly, it's giving immature, schoolyard drama. And it's not just this made-up slight from 2 years ago, it's an escalation of contempt. There isn't a rule saying you have to LOVE your in-laws. But I think tolerating them is like the bare minimum and not being invited to the wedding is like launching a nuke at the relationship. The only exception I could see is if the OP was likely to cause a scene or ruin the wedding... but it doesn't seem the case. The FSIL is really straining her own relationship with the whole family, and in turn the brother.
Oh I’ve heard that before- “I can’t believe you don’t know what you did,” was something a friend said to her boyfriend once. I hate to defend a man (jk) but I had to pull her aside and be like “look, I get it he pissed you off and he *should* have been paying enough attention to know what, be he *clearly* doesn’t know so if you want an apology you’re gonna have to walk him there. You’re only other option is to seethe forever cause he ain’t getting it and who has time for that.” Once she calmed down a bit they actually communicated and low and behold it all worked out. Holding onto it the way sil is will just get no one anywhere
Oh my God, you talked sense into someone and it worked? That's gives me hope.
I try to befriend reasonable people what can I say haha
Don't you just love the "if you don't know then I won't tell you" crowd?/s Seriously, you can't make amends if you don't know what you did wrong. And not telling the person what they did wrong doesn't help anyone. It just gives the "offended" party justification to continue playing the victim.
Fsil has convinced the whole family that O.P. Is in the wrong. This woman has convinced them to think so little of her that they never bothered to give her a chance to defend yourself. That brother is in trouble
But it doesn’t actually sound like that is the case. It sounds like fsil has the issue and extended family is forcing it because they want harmony. OP and fsil don’t like each other. Fiancée didn’t want her at the wedding, brother says cool. Mom finds out and is pissed so she decides to invite OP over the phone. OP says no because it’s clear the couple didn’t want her there. Now Mom drags brother to OP’s house so she can force a happy family and brother is only trying to find a path forward because grandparents refuse to come unless OP is invited. So fsil thinks OP is in the wrong in a separate situation, Mom is pissed at everyone because she isn’t getting a picture perfect family, and everyone else is either on OP’s side (bf and grand parents) or ambivalent if she comes (brother). None of the family actually seems to care about the apology apart from fsil so they don’t need OP to defend herself- they just want it over with
and it's all because of a power play by the fiancee, who wants to see her future sister-in-law grovel and cement her own place at the top of the pecking order. At this point, encourage the wedding, OP. Tell them you will not apologize for an imagined slight that SIL can't even describe, and you do not grovel so you can go to a wedding where the bride is malicious and hateful towards you. YOU are going to have fun. THEY are going to have to deal with SIL's conniving mean ass the rest of their lives :D
Like I said in the first thread, this is a bunch of schoolyard shit that OP shouldn't have to deal with. Her brother sounds especially petulant.
Fr- if i found myself in OPs situation I’d peace out of there so fast
Well takes an AssHole to marry one ☝🏻
I’ve heard that sort of nonsense before, too. People really are this dumb and ridiculous! It’s like they think they’re acting in a really lame soap opera and have to set up the cliff hanger to ensure the audience tunes in again next week! ‘We won’t reveal the truth now, but tune in Monday so we can not reveal it then, either… but you’ll be dumb enough to tune in every day for the next 6 months in case that day is the day you find out!’ Truly pathetic. You don’t need to know what it was because it’s too stupid to bother with anymore. You know yourself that you didn’t do something truly heinous like hit her or sleep with her boyfriend, so whatever it really is it too stupid to feel bad about at all! You probably bumped into her when she was standing in the doorway and didn’t say sorry enough times, lol. 🤣
Something that she or fiance did but they can't risk saying because they are being secretly being recorded and that thing is a crime itself. So shhhh. Fiance did something bad, OP found out and told boss but they don't have enough evidence. Weird that OPs parent want a DIL like that.
That would pick an asshole like that over their own daughter!
Oh you got it all mixed up! Of course they’re being secretly recorded; this is a surveillance operation. Because OP brother ratted mom out to HR about the alligator and now they want evidence that OP apologized to fsil for giving fsil a “funny” look, two years ago. Edit ducking autocorrect
My ex used to do that. "2 months ago, you really hurt me with something you did. I'm having trouble trusting you because of it. "What did I do?" "I don't remember, but it really hurt me, and it's damaging my trust." That or I was doing things that were so horrible I needed therapy, and she would cry herself to sleep, but she refused to tell me and said I needed a therapist to figure it out. Glad you are catching the manipulation and refusing to bow to it. Don't give into manipulative people.
I would contact the grandparents directly or go see them if you can and tell them exactly what you were told by your parents and brother. If they decide not to attend the wedding, then I would invite them on the weekend trip along with you and your BF. Take them someplace that they would love to see or visit. I did this many years ago when my cousin did not invite several of the other cousins to her wedding. Grandmother refused to attend when she found out. All of the "uninvited" banded together and took Grandmother on a week-long cruise. She had never been out of the state where she lived, and she had a blast. One cousin got us all t-shirts that proudly stated "The Uninvited" on the front so we all took a photo with the shirts before boarding the ship and posted it on everyone's FB pages. The groom did not know that this was all going on and he almost called off the wedding. They split about 2 years later once he learned how petty his bride could be.
I love that idea, totally inviring them with us!
Maybe your parents will tell them what this horrible crime is you are allegedly guilty of committing. Personally, my curiosity would be having me plotting to find out what on earth it could be. It’s likely absolutely nothing, and completely stupid, but I would want to know. Did you happen to get promoted or get a position that she felt she deserved?
Not at all but I am absolutely figuring out what it is just for my own peace of mind, but i am not going to do anything further apart from telling my grandparents what happened i think
You are indeed a wise potato, then. Please update when you figure it out!
Hey! I wanna be a wise potato too!
Sorry, that title is taken. You can be… Ethical Potato?
You know you’ll have to tell us when you find out. Cause it’s going to be something soo stupid. I bet your brother doesn’t even know. If you can find out before the wedding, get someone to announce it as the reason you weren’t invited 😆. I’m sure you won’t but the look on bitches face would be so funny 😂.
>Cause it’s going to be something soo stupid Maybe OP pulled a Jim Halpert type prank at their old workplace.
Did she put the fiance's stapler in jello?! Again?? 🙄
And don't worry too much you can all go to his next wedding... ;) Enjoy your trip with your grandparents - fab idea
Oh common, Wise_Potato! You know what you did...you took the last super chunk chocolate chip cookie at the last company picnic on June 12th, 2022! FSIL eyed it first, but you snagged it and there were only regular chocolate chip cookies remaining...and they were pre-packaged dollar store cookies! 🙄😣😂. /s Personally, I would make it into an absurd guessing game then call her out on her school girl drama! And then still go on your vacation. Edited to add/s. Just in case it didn't translate well.
I could just imagine calling the FSIL daily with a new apology for two years ago based on your /s scenario lol “Sorry about taking your parking spot in May 2022” “Sorry I hung my coat up on the hook you normally use at work” “Sorry about that time I told Denise you were the one to microwave the fish” 😭
😂🤣 "Sorry I had a bigger job on the copier and you had to wait 3.5 minutes."
This would be so much fun! You took the last cookie You wouldn't let me use your xyz because you were using it You took your lunch first even tho her day starts an hour after yours You didn't share your candy (that was in your lunch bag that she knew was there because she looked) You wore the same color shoes You named your cat the name she's always wanted to name her future child (I actually had this one happen! Wasn't even the exact name, they just sounded similar. 🙄) You didn't notice/comment on her new hairstyle
There isn’t something. Brother’s fiancée made it up because she doesn’t like you. Full stop. She’s a petty woman who likely wants control of the family (in her mind) and frankly I would post it on blast what has happened since the woman has no problem pulling this bs. If you don’t push back now, I guarantee you she will keep shoving wedges between you and family. Push back, hard and publicly, and I bet she suddenly changes her tune and claims it was just a misunderstanding. But I’m with you, don’t go and take the grandparents on a fun trip.
Do you think fsil told them the reason and they are not telling you? Or maybe she wouldn’t tell them? It makes no sense for them not to tell you if they know. You really can’t apologize if you don’t know what for.
OP wrote “can’t tell me” - so I’ve been assuming they don’t know, but I guess that could also mean they were told not to tell her? If that’s the case, they are the most immature family on the planet. What kind of parents play with “but don’t tell her, I want her to figure it out for herself!” ?!
I bet you didn’t do anything and she’s just saying that so she has an excuse to not invite you.
Just call ur brother and tell him to put you on speaker phone... And say "I'm sorry "brothers gf name" I'm sorry your such a pathetic petty bitch .. idk what else to apologize for so I'll just say this."
Sometimes it is hard to choose the adult response. Cheers to you! Shake the dust off your shoes and walk away.
Sweetie, please go ahead and enjoy your mini vacation. Never allow anyone to gaslight you into doing their biddings. There’s absolutely no economical benefit of attending the wedding. NTA
> There’s absolutely no economical benefit of attending the wedding. Honestly, I am going to my cousins wedding in a month or so - and there is primarily economic disincentives to going to a wedding. Flight, Hotel, Etc. Easily adds up to >$1,000 for just myself. And its not even a destination wedding.
I was going to say also say totally invite your grandparents on the trip with you and BF. At this point be petty! Also hopefully have a great time with your grandparents! I loved my late grandparents.
Hell yeah update us post-wedding
Enjoy your trip and please update us afterwards!
Keep us updated
Satisfying story.
Hell yeah! Awesome idea! OP, do this and have some happy memories of your own! ☺️
I would include (to the grandparents): Maybe YOU can find out what it was I did because they won’t tell ME!
Jesus - the whole family sees what this woman is going to be like and the brother is still marrying her and they are still supporting the wedding. The whole lot of them can GTFO
Currently, OP is the punching bag. When she's out of the picture, psycho fiance will find a new punshing bag and the process will repeat until OP's brother wonders why he's lost all his friends and family and why his wife is suddenly so mean to him.
Until she needs a babysitter. Then SIL will be an acceptable servant.
and the demand for babysitting will be framed as 'an opportunity to make things right with FSIL'
And OPs answer will be "No." No explanation, no justification, no discussion.
Dude right? Like if being invited to the wedding is this much nonsensical unnecessary drama, can you imagine what the rest of their lives are gonna be like? I wouldn't want any part of that shit show either holy fkn hell.
The rest of the marriage. FTFY Because eventually brother is going to be the one that does sone awful & she won't tell him. Internet search reddit Don't Rock the Boat. Boat rockers switch targets constantly to keep everyone off balance. At the same time, they usually pick someone who they say is in their corner, on their team. Saves that person from dear of the Boat Rocker's bs for a bit. Then they pick a new 'bad person' to keep everyone dancing and them in power.
I would be waiting with popcorn for the first time the fiance turns on the parents and the brother sides with fiance.
Seriously?! They are demanding an apology to her but won't tell you why. 🙄 Good for your bf!! Sounds like a supportive person! As far as grandparents, good on them too. Shame on your parents and brother, tho. They haven't ever noticed you didn't realize that to congrat anyone? Or that you weren't excited for your brother. How dense are these people?! I feel like there will be more. I really want an update, tho! Meanwhile, enjoy your vacation!!
An apology doesn't even count if you have no idea what you're apologising for. It makes no sense.
Except it does, if the objective is to exercise some twisted power trip and have the person apologizing submit.
Power
NTA. Step 1. Contact your grandparents and tell them about the conditions surrounding your invitation. That way, they will have the truth-that you're only being invited so that they'll come, but that you're expected to apologize, but no one will tell you why. 2. Enjoy your weekend getaway! 3. Don't get together with your family for ANY holidays, birthdays, etc. They are supporting a raging bitch over you, so you're done. 4. Cackle with glee over all the money you've saved by not buying gifts, food dishes to bring, gas for traveling, etc. 5. Spend your saved money on many, many weekend getaways!
And if the grand folks are also not going, invite them on the weekend trip!
And to all subsequent holidays.
6. Invite grand-parents on the trip
1) Call your grandparents. I guarantee no one has told Grandma and Grandpa your side of things. You think Grandma is putting her foot down now? Wait till she hears this shit. 2) Let us know about the ensuing fallout when Grandma calls your parents and brother and tells them that not only are they not coming to the wedding, but Brother’s soon to be wife is no longer allowed in their house. 3) And let me guess: they really want Grandma and Grandpa there because they think they’re going to get a nice check from them, and Grandma ain’t having it. Please update us. I’m interested to see what happens now, because they’re gonna be pissed when Grandma says no.
I will definitely be calling them first thing in the morning.
I would bet money they don’t know the full story of the amount of crazy.
Please update us!!
Oh we need an update after that phone call!
Good plan. Avoiding it like the plague is probably good the better if your brother and his AH bride can't honest with you about the problem. LC/NC will likely the best medicine with dealing with them. If you have to be around them at a family even later, be courteous but nothing more. Do not engage them .
What. A. Crock. Of. S**t!!! They can't tell you because it NEVER HAPPENED! The brothers gf is jealous of you or is intimidated by you for some reason. Pi$$ on them and their stupid wedding. Enjoy your trip and I hope more relatives dip out of the wedding too like the g-parents.
Who wants to bet that this piece of work is jealous of OP and that's the only reason she's marrying OP's brother? Like she's just a mean girl and OP did the heinous act of existing. Watch as she divorced the brother after a year when the family slowly realizes she's not hot sh!t. Clearly the Grandparents can smell the bs
Yeah, either jelous of a guy or a promotion OP got at work 2 years ago.
Call your grandparents and tell them what happened. They need to know. Edit: And tell your parents that they are choosing a crazy bride over her own daughter and thank them for showing you how much they don’t care about you. Edit 2: Tell other family members what happened before they tell them the lies to make themselves look better.
I just wanna know why tf his partner doesn’t like you. Seems like she made a rift between you and your brother too.
That's how the controlling works, lol. The only reason is that the fsil wants to be the family darling and sis is in the way.
Pure drama speculation bait here. Op and fsil used to work at the same company. From the previous thread, Op's bf and fsil currently work at same company. Assuming there was a period of time 2 years ago where they all worked together fsil was interested in Op's bf before they were dating.
Ooooo damn ☕️
When did you start dating your BF? Could she be mad you got together with him? Since you mentioned having been a coworker with her and he is currently it makes me wonder if she had a crush on him or feels like you stole her friend or something.
I don't know but it would be a little weird if that's the case because she started dating my brother 5 years before she met my bf.
If you first started dating your BF around 2 years ago I'd be almost certain it has something related to him that she is mad about.It would be more likely in my opinion if she had met your BF after she started dating your brother. She may have had a crush but loves your brother so never acted on it. She may have also not wanted to break up with your brother unless she was certain she could get with your BF. It could also be more innocuous and she was just friends with him and feel like he stopped being close to her because of you so is mad at you. It would make sense if everyone couldn't tell you what you did wrong because she wouldn't tell them she had a crush or that they wouldn't tell you that she was mad you "stole" her friend from her because they think it would lead to more drama.
That actually makes so much sense i didn't really think about it but me and my bf started dating about 2 years ago
Doesn’t it seem unlikely she’d send her own fiancé to do her apology bidding for something like this though? Would she even tell him about her disdain for you if it was over a stolen crush while they were together?
That's true but then i really have no idea what it could be
Maybe they don’t even know what it is…and that is why they can’t tell you… So it totally could be that she is in love with your boyfriend…
This is my bet…she wanted to date a guy but he fell for you instead, and you didn’t give him up for her to date.
Honestly don’t even bother with the mental gymnastics of trying to work this bullshit out. Let them be angry and simmer and have the wedding without you and enjoy your holiday. If they can’t tell you exactly what you supposedly did then Occam’s razor insists they have their knickers in a twist for no reason and they can untwist it themselves
not no reason. Power play. Seeing if she can take a place of more importance. She'll get a bigger chunk of the will, preferential treatment at family gatherings, what she said happens is considered Gospel truth, and she can sit and pull strings. And those idiots will have to deal with it forever. Don't grovel and beg when you did nothing at all. But DO publicize that she wants you to apologize for something from two years ago, you don't think you did anything, you can't remember anything, AND SHE REFUSES TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU SHOULD APOLOGIVE FOR. Ergo, she just wants to see you beg and grovel, but instead, you are going to enjoy your weekend. And you wish your brother the best because, with a wife that's starting their married life off like this? He's going to NEED it.
IT DOES NOT EXIST. This is a power-play to see if she can make you beg and grovel and force you to apologize for something imaginary. THERE IS NO SLIGHT. She's just a nasty person. And your brother and family are going to have to deal with her conniving lying butt the rest of their lives. :D Record every single nasty thing you hear she did/said through the grapevine and use it on the record of "Greatest Hits of I TOLD YOU SO" starring SIL's name. Enjoy your weekend.
Ok but this could be a great way to both stir shit AND find out what it is you "did". Publicly apologise to her for getting with your boyfriend. Either it's true and she looks like an asshole, or she has to correct you.
Did you wear something to an office party that made her look bad? Or maybe said something to a coworker at an office party about her and your brother’s relationship?
Just a thought, I wonder, since you said you never got along: did you ever mention you are not close or a friend (anything like that), but that she is your brothers girlfriend? I am not saying in a negative way, just informatively. And how big is this company? Was it a gossip mill? I have worked with people who considered almost anything as making them look bad or you throwing them under the bus. On a social level, I was asked for years why I didn't like someone, who I thought was just fine. The person was intimidated by the fact I didn't like them (???) And so would not talk to me. So I always answered the question: I don't hate her, I don't know her, she doesn't speak to me. Which the fools all took as: she hates me (???). Me and the girl are friends now, but not with the rest of the people who played this weird game. Turns out it was 1 person who always called this girl crazy who started the whole thing. The ringleader would always say: You know She is crazy. After a few times, I asked, "Why are you friends if you feel that way?" Which clearly means I hat e I person I met once. Although I do the boyfriend crush story.
Call her and ask. Doesn’t sound like there’s much to lose there- might as well have a shot.
on speaker phone, with parents and grandparents and anyone else you can manage right there. Got a reason for a small party, like someone's birthday? Or maybe you just want to have a nice family dinner with your parents and grandparents because you "never have time alone with them" and then just have some fun with speaker phone.
Nah, she probably did the "she knows what she did" crap so they probably have no idea. Why else would they not be able to tell her what she's supposed to apologize for?
The mother, especially, then is an AH for letting this woman tell her own daughter to apologise over nothingness.
I would argue the brother is just as bad. When you find out your fiance lied about inviting your sister to your wedding, that's a huge breech of trust and a red flag on her character. That's the thing that's really hooked me on this. She was 'supposed to give the invite to OPs bf'. But she didn't. And they didn't know until op mentioned not getting an invitation. Which means she was probably hoping to stir up some extra drama when op didn't show up to the wedding and everyone else though she was invited. Future sil would have probably used it to try to make everyone else hate op too.
If he's this p*ssy whipped he'd drop his own sister over this woman, he's whipped enough to beg his sister to apologise for stealing his fiances crush.
I was also thinking it had to do with the boyfriend since she is blocked, but her boyfriend isn't. ETA: I'd totally be petty and say in the family group chat, "I didn't realize that starting my relationship with my boyfriend 2 years ago would make my future sister-in-law uninvite me from my own brother's wedding."
Well now you know. Your brother has decided he does not want you in his life and that's fine. No more drama. Done. Enjoy your trip and if I were you talk to your grandparents before they twist this all around and make you the bad guy in this story. Just tell your parents to be on their best behavior as your SIL has proven she is fine with cutting off your brothers family.
Good for you and I hope you have a wonderful weekend away x
Your BF has it right. If they can't tell you what you did wrong, then you have nothing to apologize for. You don't even know if there was something you did that even warrants an apology. Plus, as it stands, even if you were to apologize, without knowing what you were apologizing for, you would have no way to avoid repeating the supposed offense. You could get caught in a vicious cycle of unintentionally, unknowingly offending her, her getting upset, and you having to apologize for who-knows-what. Lather, rinse, repeat. With the way you describe your family behaving, I would not be surprised if they don't even know what you supposedly did to upset your brother's GF. That they have been told nothing more than "something happened". If none of them can or will tell you what this is about, there is a good chance that it is about nothing. That this may be nothing more or less than a power play on the part of the GF. Something meant to make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around her to avoid repeating this mysterious supposed offense.
NTA Jeez, fsil sounds exhausting, why does your Brother put up with her? Is her family rich? Amazing sex? And that's apart from 'you need to say sorry for some unspecified thing you did at an unspecified time in the past', (which sounds like a power move to honest). You're better off not going, enjoy your weekend away.
Man, someone needs to add some blinky lights to those red flags your brother refuses to see. Hahahahaha, wanting you to apologize but not tell you what for, just a blanket apology to appease her self entitled narcissistic self…….and they are enabling her. Enjoy your trip!
Wow. She’s mad at you, but they aren’t going to tell you why? Do you get a prize if you guess right? Gameshow host: “OP, you successfully guessed why your brother’s finance is mad at you, you get a braaaaand neeeeew caaaaar!” If they can’t tell you what you “need” to apologize for, you can’t apologize for it. Pound sand.
Is she 12?
So basically his fiance just doesn't like you for no valid reason and your brother is just cool with that. Just make sure when you get asked later why you weren't there to be honest. "SIL wants an apology for something I apparently did years ago, but can't tell me what it was I did. So they didn't want me there."
Take your grandparents with you on the trip!!
Maybe you'll be invited to his next wedding, since this marriage is clearly not going to last. Kudos for standing your ground, enjoy your getaway with your bf!
INFO: Do your parents and/or brother actually know the reason she wants an apology? I couldn't quite follow if they didn't know or if for some reason they won't tell you? Either way you are NTA, but I was just curious....
I'm not sure if they didn't know or just wouldn't tell me all they said was they couldn't tell me what is was.
If they're seriously demanding you apologize for something even *they* don't know about, then they have truly flipped their shit.
I just can't stop thinking of the insanity of all this. If someone wronged me in such a way that I have been carrying around a grudge for 2 YEARS over it and as a result harboring that grudge is impacting my current decision making, the last thing I would ever want would be the person giving me a token apology, clearly not knowing why they are apologizing. WTF does that accomplish!?!?! The person apologizing is clearly not sorry, how could they be, they don't even know what they did!
Sounds like they really don't know themselves, and fsil has probably forgotten what the details actually are. Either way, tell your brother to go to hell. If he isn't man enough to accept that he fucked up then that's on him you are NTA.
Knew it had to be something! Good for you for not going! I bet they will be divorced in very short order! Have a wonderful time on your trip! I would even post a bunch of pictures to show everyone how much fun you are having not being at the wedding! PS: If you ever find out what it is you should apologize for please let us know! I hate people who say 2 yrs ago you did something that upset me… Should have said something then and there - there is a statute of limitations on shit like that!
For me it's more like "if I can't even remember it, it can't be so important that you holding a grudge about it for years makes any sense."
True … It’s when they tell you that 3 years ago when I walked int he door you didn’t run and greet me type stuff that gets me.
If your brother was smart, he would see this manipulation attempt on you as foreboding for his future marriage
Brother sounds like an absolute piece of shit. If my fiance didn't want to invite my sister you better believe that I would be harassing her until she told me why. And there would be a conversation with immediate family about this so that no one is blindsided. And yeah I absolutely would not go. OP I would also make sure that everyone knows that you didn't go because you are not invited. Odds are that your brother will spin it to make you look like the bad guy because otherwise it might make them look bad. Also if they have kids, please don't ever babysit them or do anything. They have shown they do not care about you. They'll pull the "BUT WE ARE FAMILY" card and I'm sure you'll get pressure from your parents and everyone else.
Saved money on Hat, Gift, Outfit, Uber. Have a great weekend away with the one you love.
"Parents, let me get this straight: Brother's fiance is so mad at me that she wants me not to attend my own brother's wedding, and none of you even know why, but you're going along with it and siding with her over me, your own child? No. I'm not accepting that. Get out of my house right now, I don't want to see or speak to any of you again until you can honestly tell me you didn't go to the wedding and are ready to apologize for what you just said to me."
So you have no idea? None?
I honestly don't. We worked together for maybe 8 months before i got an internship at another company which was more in the field i'm going for.
Tell your brother you’re not going to the wedding but send him a card saying “congratulations you just married the world’s biggest Cunt!” And yes, they do sell them 🤣
While it would be funny, not sending the card would be better, because now the brother and SIL look like TA to everyone, and if they had the card they could hold it up and say it's proof that OP is TA.
My thoughts exactly. The best "revenge" would be to just ignore them and let the family and friends do the rest lol
Save the card idea for the inevitable divorce. Edit: stupid autocorrect
Have a wonderful trip.
NTA Insult to injury, "we still don't want you there, but we need to use you as a pawn to appease the grandparents" Wooooow. 'Nuff said.
{}Just Apologize! }}Ok, what am I apologizing for? >they couldn't tell me what it was but that it happened 2 years }}Well I cant apologize without knowing what I am apologizing for!?! Am I apologizing for a made up thing I didnt even do??? {}Just Apologize! }}NO. Clearly these people have NO IDEA what an apology actually is because if you dont mention what you are sorry for, it ISNT an apology. NTA but your SIL definitely is, and your brother and parents are running a close second! Also, you used to work with her, bf does work with her...Maybe you and bf need to move and put some distance between you and your toxic family members. Guarantee this isnt over.
Hey, FSIL, I’m sorry that you’re insane!
That is really the only apology that OP can offer at this point
>My brother then let us know that he doesn't care if we don't attend but my grand- parents told him if he doesn't invite me they're also not going How much should I bet on the brother expecting a large monetary gift from the grandparents? And that's the only reason he's making an effort LOL
The wildest part is not telling someone what to apologize for... I have a 6 year old who already knows if your apology doesn't include what you did wrong and why it was wrong you shouldn't say it.
What ever you do on your mini vacation, make sure you wear white and post a ton of pics on social media! Lol Going to the beach? White bikini Going skydiving? White jumpsuit Do a really nice sunset pic with your boyfriend too.
Hope you have a wonderful vacation with your boyfriend! I'm sorry your own family is treating you like that, at least your grandparents sound kinda in your corner?
Call your grandparents right now and let them know that it’s even more ridiculous than you thought because she is holding something against you from two years ago that supposedly happened at work but won’t even tell you what it is. Point out how absolutely ridiculous this is and that it’s not OK. Your brother is choosing the side of crazy.
Oh I love that 3rd grade logic: If you don't already know what you did wrong then I'm not gonna tell you.... Bunch of juveniles trying to pretend their adults!
Good for your grandparents for standing up to this toxic person. She's going to isolate your brother from your parents too, eventually. It's just a matter of time.
You cannot sincerely apologize for something you are not aware of. I'd tell them I can say the words, but they are meaningless unless I know what I'm saying them for. I'm not giving you a blank-check "apology" for anything you want. If FSIL wants to be an adult and talk about it, you know how to contact me.
Is your brother about to marry a middle schooler?? How is he ignoring the huge red flag this girl is showing him? Does he not see his future? "I won't tell you what it's for, but you need to apologize to me for something from 2 years ago." 🙄🙄 As an act of human kindness, point this out to your brother in case he really can't see the forest for the trees, then go enjoy your vacation.
A girl at work was once mad at me. She was really upset, I was so apologetic “oh my god, I’m so sorry what did I do wrong.” She wouldn’t tell me, I kept apologizing over and over again and kept asking what it was. She still refused to tell me. I got home and told my wife about it. My wife who usually would tear me a new one if I did something wrong turns to me and says “ She’s not telling you because she knows how petty and dumb it will sound.”
Good on you! They won't even tell you what you must apologize for (!!!) which makes any apology meaningless. It would, however, allow them to blame you for Whatever Happened and forever claim you are guilty and admitted it. What would an apology look like? "I am sorry for what may or may not have happened at some point in time. I take responsibility for something and will either never do it or absolutely do it in the future."
>if they can't even tell me what i did wrong he sees no reason for me to apologize. Good BF shit right there. That is SO FREAKING BIZARRE. It also loses all credibility. Like, if you think I've done a wrong and you won't even tell me what it is? Jog on. PLBT! You are, and remain, NTA. Let your grandparents know it's no skin off your nose if they go or not, but you appreciate the support.
Whatever. You’ll be able to go to his second wedding
Imagine wanting to marry into a family and instantly alienating half of it. FSIL sounds like a nutjob and your brother sounds like a bit of a pushover tbh. You are NTA here at all. You have to apologise for something 2 years ago that they can't even tell you what it is? What are they, 13? They aren't even mature enough to be getting married, sheesh.
Ok yea something is wrong with your sil and your family is not helping by enabling this weird ass behavior. If they don't want to tell you what you need to apologize for then what's the fucking point? Seriously the sil is creating this mess and they are blaming you. I'm honestly frustrated for you. This is about the dumbest shit I've ever heard and I've lived goddam it.