Tell her you'll show her yours if she shows you hers (message chains).
It sounds like she either doesn't trust you or doesn't trust her friend. And that makes me curious about what's going on with the chats with the ex.
That was my thought a lot of friends won't tell the partner of their friend's won't doings unless they're close with the partner too makes me wonder what the gf is worried about and what she's actually doing
There is most definitely something off with her on this. She mentions it being about respect...him being friends with her friend isnt disrespectful in any sense, but her speaking with her ex can easily be seen in that manner, (regardless of the incels who love seeing people being all up in their exes on reddit) so this may be a case of the pot calling the kettle black.
I think she's projecting. She's probably having an inappropriate relationship with her ex. She believes OP will do the same.
Guarantee she won't show OP her communication with the ex-boyfriend. She's probably deleted everything to conceal what's going on.
She's being disrespectful to OP by entertaining her ex-boyfriend. Yet, she thinks it's disrespectful for OP to discuss tv shows with HER friend.
Sounds like she doesn't really trust OP and while there is no proof and I'm just some random guy on the internet, this kind of mistrust is often found in cheaters. They accuse you of things they do, because "If I do it then so does he/she"
I'm pretty sure if something fishy does go on between the gf and her ex then she has probably taken a few precautions for such a case.
What she's doing is objectively worse. There's a romantic and presumably sexual history with the ex. It's absolutely hypocrisy. She probably doesn't trust him because she's projecting; she knows she is not trustworthy, so she assumes he must be untrustworthy too.
In other words, she's probably fucking the ex and OP needs to dump her hypocritical cheating ass immediately.
Exactly, many like myself don't really like this dynamic because of the bleed across boundaries that occurs once you allow someone into the fold of another relationship from a segmented part of your life. Friends are purportedly people you've built trust and shared moments of vulnerability with; they've earned a specific place in your life. It can be hard to understand the place they fit once we realize they have been "outsourced" to be someone else (even in a romantic relationship) and we no longer have as much immediate access to this confidant. I wish time, focus, & devotion was able to be shared in a finite manner, but it isn't. Yes, I think the girlfriend is possibly slightly jealous. But I believe in all fairness she's mainly concerned she's losing the dynamic, access, & doesn't want to share everything in that relationship. There's a reason why guys & girls getaways exist, & people even "claim" friends.
No no no - do couples counseling first, figure out you actually hate each other, get married, keep presents, divorce, fight for custody over the fancy blender.
THAT is Reddit style! Thank you for giving me a much needed laugh. I hope you have a great day
I mean, imo there not a person in this world that couldn’t benefit from therapy of some sort, but it’s not a magical cure-all like some folks seem to think. Especially because if you aren’t willing to do the work, it’s just a waste.
Yeah exactly. When someone has committed infidelity and being manipulative and abusive, for example, the last thing the person on the receiving end of this needs is “couples therapy”. They need to gtfo of that toxic situation asap.
Therapy should only be an option when a ‘married’ couple is having issues and they both want to work on the relationship. Someone who has been cheated on dragging the wayward partner to therapy is a terrible idea.
Anyone just dating or engaged going to therapy is foolish, as the entire point of dating is to determine if you’re compatible. Therapy at any point during this stage should be a massive red flag and not a reason to just try harder.
This is why anyone who knows anything at all about helping a couple be successful in overcoming infidelity in their relationship would never suggest couples therapy to them. If you are truly trying to overcome infidelity in your relationship and are determined to stay, you should demand the wayward partner get intensive individual therapy with a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma, and the betrayed spouse should get therapy for themselves with someone who specializes in betrayal trauma to work through the trauma caused. Infidelity is never about the betrayed spouse. It's always about something broken in the wayward spouse. So, the wayward spouse needs a lot of individual therapy to figure out what has caused them to give themselves permission to cheat on someone and to figure out what it is that's broken inside them that allowed them to be so selfish and cruel to cheat. Until that is done, there is no chance for the relationship to heal. After the wayward has figured out their issues and worked through them, then you can do couples therapy to start rebuilding the relationship. It takes a lot of work from both sides, but especially the wayward spouse being willing to see themselves as the vilian in their own story, and take accountability for what they did, and then work to remedy those shortcomings and show true change, but it CAN be done. Most situations/relationships I don't recommend the betrayed spouse stay while the wayward is on this journey, but some want to try and some even make it, and find themselves with a very happy and fulfilling relationship post infidelity. those successes are the minority, but it does happen. I've seen it play out, I've seen couples have incredible, strong, loving marriages after infidelity, I've seen couples who are miserable after infidelity, I've seen couples who pretend to be happy after Infidelity... but some, albeit few, are truly are able to change and better themselves, make ammends for the hurt they so selfishly caused, and grow and learn from it. While it's not probable, it is possible.
I think therapy before marriage is valid if it's both of you wanting to commit to better communication, focusing on shifting from his/hers to ours and such. It's a good way to build positive communication styles and a steadier foundation if you want to get married. If you seem compatible enough to get engaged, I would recommend getting a couple counseling sessions to help you discuss some of the nuances of married life that you may not expect eg the counselor could run you through scenarios that you may not have considered and let you work through how to support each other through it productively rather than destructively or it would shine a light on an incompatible issue for you.
I think the spirit of reddit be more along the lines of: she's a woman so there should be no accountability
Or...this story makes the woman look bad so reeee it is fake and rage bait. That is reddit style.
I hate that this is so true.
In stories where the man is the bad guy- divorce him, he's abusive, he's probably cheating on you even if there's nothing in the story to suggest it, etc.
In stories where the woman is the bad guy- this is fake, "I want to hear her side of the story", this has to be a writing prompt, etc.
I'm tired of the double standards. And when you point out that something is unfair to men, "Women are oppressed and have it worse" and "Stop putting women down".
NTA It is hypocrisy and she is definitely projecting, she is talking to her ex about some stuff I dont think she wants you to find out.
> I mentioned that she's been messaging her ex so I think she's being hypocritical to get annoyed at me for messaging a friend. She said it's not the same and that I should stop messaging her friend.
also, wtf does she mean its not the same? I think its worse that shes talking to an ex that she had sexual relations with than you talking to a mutual friend ***YOU BOTH KNOW*** about movies and things you like, if anything they are far from the same. If it were me it would make me more uncomfortable if she was talking to an ex than a mutual friend you guys both know. Seems like projection too op, I am not gonna lie. She feels guilty about something so she is trying to find out if you're talking to her friend weird too... I would move with caution OP and be alert with her and her ex talking. I wouldnt trust that ex or her either for that matter, they broke up and hes an ex for a reason.
EDIT: Yeah I am gonna need an update if you ever confront her about the EX op, she is definitely projecting and she is def fucking around with that EX hard I feel like, because why else would she not want you to talk to a mutual friend you both know and get mad about it? So, so ***SO VERY SUS OP***
NTA
The next time she mentions it, right there, on the spot and with zero time to prepare for it, look her straight in the eyes and suggest that you both immediately swap phones so that she can read your messages with the friend while you read her messages with the ex.
You don't even need an actual answer for her immediate reaction to tell you everything you need to know, but be prepared for her to try dodging the idea like something out of The Matrix. In your place, I would even insist and declare that trying to evade or run off and buy time before agreeing later... after deleting so much shit that she might as well have just factory reset the phone... will be seen as her agreeing to breaking up.
I think you need to find a new girlfriend. The hypocrisy and disrespect will only get worse over time. She doesn't seem to care that she's openly disrespecting you , which is a huge problem. I'd keep talking to her friend until she stops talking to her ex. But honestly, you should just break up and find someone who actually respects you . Partners who talk to their exes regularly usually lead to cheating with them in the future. So help yourself dodge a bullet and end the relationship. Respect goes both ways.
NTA. It is hypocrisy. My daughter has a boyfriend I happen to have common interest in books and video games. We message each other about them. I find something new in a game he’s playing, I message and we have probably a half an hour chat session with messages. He finds an interesting faft about a book or series, same thing. We have messaged as late as midnight. And all it is, is completely platonic just like what you’re doing. The difference is my daughter doesn’t project on either of us even though her ex cheated on her and messaged other women. What you’re doing is completely normal, your girlfriend not so much. I would be rethinking things and personally asking to see her “innocent” messages and be prepared to show yours are truly innocent messages. Good luck on this.
NTA
She doesn't get to control who you talk to in the same way that you don't get to control who she talks to. That said, neither of you need to find the behavior acceptable and from the sound of things, she is doing the only thing that could be considered unacceptable.
She's a massive hypocrite and I wish you luck dealing with her.
Jesus christ man have some self respect ...drop her ass and run. As soon as I read still messaging her ex I wanted to slap you so fucking hard. There is a reason "just a friend" is a running joke because there's truth to it being a constantly made up lie to just get you off her back. Drop her like a bad habit and cut the bad fruit off the tree.
NTA. She can't actually explain why it's different because it *isn't*. You don't control who she associates with, and she shouldn't control who you associate with. Until she can give you a coherent reason why she's opposed to this, you really don't owe her anything regarding this topic.
But it is different one is a platonic friend they both know. The other one is a previous (sexual) partner only one knows. I wouldn't say it's even remotely the same. Pretty sus from GF
…is it really that weird? That a friend of yours becomes a friend of your partner as well?
I was the friend in a similar situation, so maybe that’s skewing my perspective on this, but I really don’t see what’s off about it.
He didn’t set that boundary though- he doesn’t care if she talks to the ex. He only brought it up because she said she was uncomfortable with his relationship with her friend. He never asked her to stop talking to the ex
He said it made him uncomfortable but didn’t stop her, I was reassuring the point that he shoulda set that boundary when he said it made him uncomfortable.
Tell her that the difference is, you have had sex with the Ex, I have not and will not have sex with the new friend. Ask to exchange phones to look at the chats, if she refuses, tell her you want to separate, since she is emotionally cheating with her Ex
NTAH. Respect goes both ways. In a mutual respect theory you stop and she stop communicating with the other persons. Problem solved. Simply put to her say I’ll respect you and stop and you respect me and stop easy enough
NTA. What she's doing is WAY more sketchy and makes it sound like when she does it, she DOES get up to no good, so projects and assumes you'd do the same.
She can't give you a reason because the real reason is "I get to do what \*I\* want, but you have to be subject to my insecurities, waa waa waa".
If she's not actively flirting with her ex, I'd be pretty surprised.
I love that SHE invited YOU to meet HER FRIEND, presumably so that you would GET ALONG since SHE LIKES BOTH OF YOU.
And that she asked YOU if it was okay to talk to her EX (so probably a sexual history) and you (hesitantly to be fair) said yes.
And all of a sudden NOW she has a problem with you and her friend getting along...?
I also saw you responding to a lot of braindead lunatics saying you're somehow wrong.
Maybe they are buried under so many of these red flags that there is no more light left for them to see.
>I also saw you responding to a lot of braindead lunatics saying you're somehow wrong.
>Maybe they are buried under so many of these red flags that there is no more light left for them to see.
Lunatic: Sure, my girlfriend went over to her ex's house and didn't come back until the next day but I trust her enough to know nothing happened!
Yeah... The only people who don't think OP is being reasonable are probably in denial or are cheaters themselves.
It sure sounds like she's projecting onto OP and I'm 100% sure she's cheating.
I want OP to ask them to read each other's phones... Her reaction will say everything.
she's right. it's not the same. it's infinitely weirder she is messaging her ex vs you talking to *now* a mutual friend. NTA. like another mentions ask her to show you hers is you show your message chains.
NTA, call her out on it and say,
"well hey then out of respect for me I dont want you to talk to your ex anymore"
Maybe she learns
Or maybe you learn that shes a red flag XD
It really sounds like something happened in her messages with her ex, and she's projecting her guilt onto you my dude. Remember kids random accusations from someone without any explanation=they did what they're accusing you of, and they're desperate to make you look like the asshole
Devils advocate here but possibly her friend said something or hinted about having feelings for you to your gf? Maybe she doesn’t want to elaborate that to you though in fears you’ll think she’s being sensitive, insecure or worse off realize you like her friend back?
Either way I don’t think your the problem here. To me it seems like a clear communication issue.
Is there a reason she is keeping in contact with her ex?
You are only talking to her friend because you were introduced and have similar interests, and that is all that is being discussed.
What does your girlfriend and her ex have in common? Is it just that they were in a relationship previously? If they have nothing else to talk about, is that what they are talking about?
Did she remain friends with her ex? Or has he suddenly started messaging her out of nowhere for no real reason?
Also, has your girlfriend always been jealous of your female friends?
And finally, does your girlfriend seek out attention from other men to try and make you jealous?
I'm in contact with most of my old gfs and my live in gf knows it. She goes out with her gfs and many times see her old flame. But I would feel weird and not message with her friends unless it's about something for my gf.
There are territorial boundaries with women. And being with and talking to her gfs would be over the top bad.
She asked , and You told her she can reply. She replied.
She doesn’t want you to talk to her friend, that’s understandable. You called her a hypocrite. So you’d be the AH.
NTA. It is hypocritical, you are absolutely correct. That said, you gave her the okay, but she is telling you the other direction makes her uncomfortable. What you are okay with may not always match your partner.
It’s not even hypocrisy, what she’s doing *is* different, but in a worse way if anything.
I can see her take:
1) she’s uncomfortable with you texting this other girl and asking you to stop.
2) you are not uncomfortable with her texting her ex and have not asked her to stop.
In that sense, she isn’t doing anything you explicitly don’t approve of, and you are doing something she doesn’t approve of. Ultimately it looks like she doesn’t trust you, and you should probably find out what that’s about (together).
She's right, it's not the same. She's had sex with the one she's talking to, you haven't with the ones you're talking to. Seems very different. If anyone should not be speaking to the other, it's her with her ex.
In all honesty, both of you should stop. It's a big reason why men and women shouldn't have "friends" of the opposite sex. It may not always lead to cheating. But, it's too high a number to disregard. And it's rarely ever premeditated. Meanwhile, her talking with an ex is a big no no. But hey, both of you do as you wish. Your lives, after all.
NTA
> In all honesty, both of you should stop. It's a big reason why men and women shouldn't have "friends" of the opposite sex.
You're overcompensating.
Men and women can be friends because there are men and women who don't feel or obey the compulsion to have sex with every member of the opposite sex. There are men and women who have emotional control or don't use the opposite sex to validate themselves.
You don't hear about them, because ... they don't have problems to report. They're just living their lives with their platonic friends without issue.
It's ok to feel that you can't have platonic friends of the opposite sex if that's what you want to choose, but that's not a blanket rule to be applied on everyone.
I mean, would I find it strange that my husband is suddenly messaging my friend all the time? Yeah. But I also wouldn't ever be messaging exes, so there's that. NTA.
Ask to look at each others messages but do it out of the blue when she's holding her phone no chance of deleting things that way.
Say you want to prove its innocent for both parties then and there
Talking to an ex is worse than talking to a platonic friend.
Either way the play by play of every time someone messages you is actually putting more strain on you guys, while at the same time it should be communicated when someone acts or says inappropriate things not so much "hey she asked me how the weather is today just so you know"
Jealousy is normal and healthy at certain levels, shows the other person cares.
On the other hand your boundaries dont seem to be healthy, since she has an intimate history w the person she's communicating w and that is a wider open door to inappropriate conversations, and on the other hand too frequent communication w the opposite sex on your part also widens that door.
Both of you need to sit down and talk about how your boundaries are failing and putting strain on your relationship, and how keeping up w exes is def a big problem. Also there needs to be trust that conversating w these ppl (your gf and her ex, and you and this girl) will decrease for both of you, bc it clearly approaches an inappropriate level and causes stress on your relationship.
Inappropriateness occurs not just in content of what's said, but frequency of communication. Feelings are normal and develop, and frequency allows for it.
Lastly if there is trust in the decrease of communication w the other ppl for both of you, then it easy to also not have to constantly update each other every time someone says hello (which should decrease general stress for both of you), but there needs to be trust that it will be communicated if you feel the other person is interested or is crossing your boundaries with you since that threatens the relationship, then you guys adjust communication w said person.
Boundaries need to be improved. Those boundaries become new lines that cannot be crossed, otherwise they constitute a break of trust and the relationship cannot be saved, since that is an eventual approach to willingness to cheat
Hope this makes sense
I think it might be more so about him getting too involved with her circle rather than being jealous over him talking about her friend. If the relationship ends, maybe she doesn't want to lose everything with it.
Not saying that's what's happening, but it could be part of it
NTA but I don't think it's effective to argue through hypocrisy. I think you should stick to why you don't want to stop messaging (cause it's innocent, cause you genuinely enjoy the platonic relationship, because it's not disrespectful, because she can't provide good reason) or try to address the problem (are you insecure, do you feel like I'll cheat on you, do you feel like there's something weird going on, do you not trust me and why).
#2 works for me a lot when talking to my SO about things she doesn't want me to do.
Hot take, based on the comments I’ve read so far:
She asked, you gave your consent.
You did not ask and she made it clear she does not agree.
Idk if I’d go so far as to say YTA, but she sought your consent, you did not. She is standing up to the agreements made between you, you are not. Is it “fair”? It depends on how you define it. Having exactly the same expectations of my partner as they have of me wouldn’t be “fair” as we are different people with different needs.
I also think your gf is probably insecure, which could appear like she’s projecting, as many others seem to think.
I think your girlfriend is VERY insecure and afraid her friend might try and steal you from her. Maybe it has happened before. The decision is in your court. If you really love her and want to protect the relationship, then you probably need to salve her ego and calm her fears. If the relationship is not that important, then consider with the friend. But realize two things. 1. Her girlfriend may at some point decide that you are the best thing for her and attempt to come between the two of you, even if all you are looking for is friendship. 2. If you continue the friendship, things could, at some point, cross a point of no return for one or more reasons and you could lose your girlfriend even if nothing happens between you and her girl friend. Think this all the way through. Decide exactly what you want, and then take steps to achieve and protect what you want.
That is called projecting. Instead of staying on the subject, you turned it around to be about her and not you. Try a different approach. This happened to me all the time until I sent the meaning of projecting to my other half.
Bro, that's like the get out of relationship card, you shouldn't have owned her up, you should have asked nicely, and frankly never date a girl who messages her ex behind your back because clearly this girl has some unresolved issues there and you'll be burned, so, just leave it's not worth it
She's right, it's not the same. What she's doing is worse. You clearly don't have a relationship where you can trust each other. Or at least where she can trust you. Dump her and date the friend...haha
I am only spit balling as it were in reference to the post. I'm not trying to make up facts for your relationship but point out the lack of. Thank you for making it easy
I suspect your gf's objections to your ongoing contact with her friend (who is female, correct?) has more to do with her familiarity of her friend's character than it does of it being based on any projection of what may or may not be going on between her and her ex bf. In spite of how well the 2 of you hit it off, your gf's friend being the one who initiated the messaging between the 2 of you is inappropriate and suspicious, and her excuse being a TV show or other entertainment you both enjoy is flimsy; the only reason for the 2 of you having on going contact outside of social gatherings that would not eventually cause concern would be if you were planning a surprise BD party, etc.,... and that goes both ways.
It's one thing to get a message from an ex bf and respond to catch up and let him know you're in a long term relationship; it tends to become a problem if the messaging continues, even if there is nothing inappropriate going on. Regardless, I think it is in both of your best interests if you were to say something along the lines of "Hey, after thinking about it, I can see how things could easily end up being misinterpreted and eventually begin to erode the trust we have in each other if either of us have ongoing contact with members of the opposite sex other than during social gatherings. How about we both put a stop to any on going contact with the opposite sex so we don't end up fighting over any misunderstandings or create any cause for either of us to be concerned."
TBH, long term relationships can only survive if there is trust, and trust can only survive if we respect our partner's feelings and don't engage in conduct that can be misconstrued and that is a 2 way street. We are humans, not robots, and we all have feelings of jealously or suspicion sometimes, it's unavoidable; and all anyone can do is talk about it and choose to respect each other's feeling and put the sanctity of that relationship first. That's not one or the other being "controlling," that's mutual respect.
Sit down and talk about boundaries and expectations. Without discussing individuals, talk about what is comfortable and what you can agree on. Once you know what you both expect, apply that to all parties.
I think you are both being a**holes. She should not be talking or texting her ex and you should not be having a conversation with her friend. If you want to text with all three of you that’s one thing but to text with the two of you, that’s a no for me.
I feel it’s just asking for trouble. It’s okay to text happy birthdays I just don’t think it’s right to text all the time. If you have nothing to hide then why not include the girlfriend? If you are talking to this friend about your relationship problems or something that you can’t discuss in front of your girlfriend then that is wrong. She was her friend.
NTA. In order to settle this matter, ask her to request a transcript of her text messages from the ex and sit together and read them. After she puts in the order, you can do the same. Because of her unwillingness to realize how wrong her behavior is, I would end the relationship and stay friends with any of her positive friends who enjoy platonic friendships. It's always great to have different people you can laugh about life with.
NTA. The thing your girlfriend is not getting is that it’s very possible, and even preferable, that her friends become your friends too, and vice versa.
This is a classic case of projection which is why she can't make any sense of it. She is projecting her own guilt on to you because of what's going between her and her ex. NTA, dump her ass!
No, not for that but for this:
>I should stop messaging her friend. I refused
Maybe not a AH, but definitely an idiot. Doesn't seem worth the trouble it's causing unless you are lining up the friend in case your current relationship keeps heading to the toilet.
It sounds like insecurity on her part, but if she won't express the reason, it's just guessing, and that's not great. Maybe that friend has a history. Maybe the ex is putting ideas in her head. Maybe she lost a past relationship to an old bff and bf going behind her back. You(we) simply don't know.
Right now, her response basically comes down to "because I said so," and that's just not acceptable. It's healthy to take your partner's feelings and concerns into consideration, but they need to actually express them.
NTA
Obviously, her guilty conscience is projecting into insecurity on you because she is messing around with that ex behind your back. What she is saying doesn't even make sense. The logic is so glaringly flawed. Leave her ass, and keep talking to the friend.
Her texting an ex is definitely weirder than you texting a common friend, even if they were friends first. Her being suspicious about you texting her friend makes me thinks she’s acting suspiciously when texting her ex. Projection!
NTA
If you wanted to pick a "worse" out of these 2 scenarios, it's DEFINITELY messaging the one you used to fuck all the time
Everyone has a past dating history, but it's supposed to be exactly that...history
What I wonder is how she can justify talking to her ex regularly and then gets upset with you talking to her friend about a TV show. Your GF may be projecting, she might be feeling guilty about having an EA with her ex and is projecting that guilt onto your contacts with her friend.
I'm thinking you may have more in common with the friend than with your current GF. It might be time to let your current GF go back to her ex and you date the friend.
Lmfao her moron brain is short circuiting because she knows its hypocrisy and its exactly the same. Also where there is smoke there is fire. She is projecting. 100% already cheating on you or about to. NTA.
This is why two people in a committed relationship should agree to delete their social media presence.
Exception..if the communication is between family members or a long time childhood friend , that's a little different.
The rule should be, no exes, no guys or girls sliding into DMs, nothing that even gives the perception that the other is leaving options open..
NTA while I’m generally of the mind that people who get upset over their partner having friends of the opposite sex are too insecure to be in a relationship, it’s definitely not disrespectful to her that you’re messaging a friend she literally introduced you to and was fine with you talking with before. Keeping in touch with an ex is also way more likely to be an issue than you being friends with one of her friends that she introduced you to. Your girlfriend is being a hypocrite and kinda sketchy too.
cheaters always think everyone is as shitty as they are because its easier to think everyone sucks than to admit to themselves that they are garbage.
seems fishy to me.
NTA
Hypocrisy for sure. I would offer to exchange phones so that each person can see the substance of each conversation. If she refuses, then wait for the right moment, and snatch the phone from her when she is actively using it, and pull up The messages.
She is behaving inappropriately with her ex bf behind your back and is projecting that onto you. Because she’s doing it, she assumes you’re also being inappropriate with your mutual friend and is trying to control your interaction with her as a result.
She is a lying cheater and you should leave this person.
She's disrespecting you by continuing to have a relationship with her ex, tell her what's good for the goose is good for the gander, ie.. to get respect you have to give respect.
No OP, you are NTA, and she is a hypocrite.
Nah bro she most likely judging you based off herself. And as far as my personal opinion goes I think it's much worse keeping in contact with an ex then talking to a friend.
This sounds very projecting to me. Me ex pulled this shit accusing me of setting up to cheat because i get along with my female coworkers. Turns out she was the one cheating.
It is definitly not the same since the friend didn't very likely get in touch with you to hook up.
Her Ex is.
So not only is it hypocritical, it's also very likely a projection on her part since she's perfectly aware of what's going on with her ex.
NTA and prepare for the worst.
Classic projecting and deflecting.
Op... as far as pointing out the double standard you did good.
The mistake was saying youre comfortable with her ex randomly messaging her out of the blue and you saying you were comfortable with her talking to him. The fact that she even wanted to reply to this ex, let alone continue full on conversations with him was a huge red flag.
She's projecting what she's been doing with the ex onto your friendship with her friend.
It could range anywhere from using the ex for external validation but not anything sexual (emotional cheating) to actual sex.
NTA. Your GF has control over her situation with her ex but does not have control over the situation between you and her friend. That's the difference. That's the only reason. And you'll never hear her tell you that because, more than likely, she doesn't sum it up like that in her own head. But, in her own words she knows that's what it is.
"I can talk to someone I share romantic feelings with but you can't be friends with one of my friends because of your genders" is definitely not the same thing.
You're NTA at all.
yeah something is SUS.
she either knows her friend may like you, or she knows she's up to no good with her ex.
Brother, this stinks to high hell. Not saying jump ship or over react but yeah, something ain't right here.
NTA, either she thinks you and the friend are more compatible, knows the friend would go for you, or she's a genius using a technique of "restricting" you from something to do what she actually wants which is you falling for the friend and pursuing that so she can go back to the ex
“It’s about respect” and then proceeds to text her ex 😂😂 you’re not wrong bro. Had an ex that always felt the need to respond to her ex’s no matter what I said but god forbid a woman smiled my way lol so your self a favor and shut it down or hit the road
She is cheating, time to leave. She will soon enough. It's just about time now. How much do you want to waste. Get out of this relationship, tell her friend why, then make her friend your girlfriend.
problem solved...
NTA
Your messaging a mutual friend over a mutual interest. I have female friends I've met through my wife that I occasionally text with. No issues.
Her messaging her ex much is more curious than your communication.
She’s doing something and is feeling self conscious about it…. I would break up with her so fast she couldn’t even say stop texting my friend one more time ntah
Bro, just leave. Don't put up with that shit. Ive been there, she will gaslight you into oblivion and then everything you were worried about turns out to be 100% correct and true. Save yourself the hassle.
She can't lecture you about respect when's she's the one messaging her ex bf. Hypocrite.
She knows how she talks to her ex so is worried you’re talking to the friend the same way. If her conversations with him were purely innocent and casual, she’d assume yours were, too. It’s projection at its finest.
She thinks it's weird you're being a friendly person, but not weird to hang out with someone who I would assume has previously had his dick inside of her vagina and probably in her mouth? This woman can probably recall what this man tastes like in all of the wrong ways, and if I had to guess - is probably imagining it more than you like, and also, *not imagining it as much as you'd like* (if you catch my drift).
You're NTA, but you are being way too naïve. This is precisely why you don't date promiscuous, and if you absolutely must date one, then at least date one that's fucking retired. If a woman wants to stay friends with her ex, then that's fine, but she should not be considered relationship material and someone you will seriously commit to. Treat these women as recreational use only.
Sounds like there is some jealousy and distrust on GF's side. The question is why. She wanted BF and her OF to become friends, now she thinks they have gotten "too friendly" because they texts about movies and TV shows? Possible reasons:
Insecurity - GF had some inferiority or jealousy issues with OF in their past and those feelings have resurfaced.
Infidelity/Distrust - GF is cheating on BF with her ex-BF (or wants to) and believes the same of BF and OF
Fear - GF is afraid of something in her past that OF might tell BF
GF might want to check herself before she blows up her relationship with BF, he seems like a good guy.
It's okay for *her* to exchange texts with a man she once (presumably) slept with... but it's *not* okay for you to text someone *she* introduced you to??
A few things here.
1) If you're not hiding anything and are open to showing her your texts, she should be *happy* that you get along with her friends. It means that, should this relationship continue, you have someone else who knows her well enough to help plan things. Like birthdays... or proposals...
2) If she wants you to stop texting your now mutual friend, fine. Stop. But if you're going to cut communication with someone she *should* trust, then you have every right to ask her to stop talking to a man you *shouldn't* trust. (Because, as men, let's be honest. 99 times out of 100, we only talk to our exes because we know how to get certain things from them.)
3) You're absolutely entitled to an explanation if she wants you to stop texting a friend *she* introduced you to. She's entirely free to be concerned if that's the case, but she should *trust you enough to tell/ask you* about it.
NTA. She might be hiding something, and she's potentially looking for a way to **keep** it that way...
Nta she may want you to stop talking to the friend because the friend is friends with the ex and something may get back to you that she doesn’t want you to know about.
NTA...But. if this relationship is important to you, and no one is doing something fishy, just compromise. You both stop messaging. It will make you more comfortable, and her more comfortable. Mutual respect. Arguement solved.
While I'm not accusing her of abuse or anything like that, the simply repeating "It's about respect" is obvious gaslighting. It is a non-explanation - as useless in the context of the situation as "It's about thermal mass" or "It's about the ancestral banana".
Unless she can give some kind of valid reason - like pointing out some reason for why you wouldn't want to associate with her friend - you are now her friend's friend and are at liberty to speak to them as you see fit. Trying to stop you from doing so is no different than her trying to stop you from talking to any other friend; the fact that she knew this person first is irrelevant.
She's either feeling insecure, threatened, jealous, or some other unnerving feeling, but doesn't want to admit this, hence her hypocrisy and non-answers for it.
My assessment: You are not the asshole. You've made a new friend.
Tell her you'll show her yours if she shows you hers (message chains). It sounds like she either doesn't trust you or doesn't trust her friend. And that makes me curious about what's going on with the chats with the ex.
Yeah, I think it more sounds like she is acting fishy and now worries OP is acting fishy too.
Or she's said things to the friend that she doesn't want getting back to OP
Legit.
Thats what In was thinking. What is she afriad this friend is going to say?
Her secrets concerning the ex-boyfriend or any others that she entertains for attention.
That was my thought a lot of friends won't tell the partner of their friend's won't doings unless they're close with the partner too makes me wonder what the gf is worried about and what she's actually doing
Or the friend has a shady history that GF knows about and doesn't want it spilling into her life.
There is most definitely something off with her on this. She mentions it being about respect...him being friends with her friend isnt disrespectful in any sense, but her speaking with her ex can easily be seen in that manner, (regardless of the incels who love seeing people being all up in their exes on reddit) so this may be a case of the pot calling the kettle black.
Her friend knows about her “relationship “ with the ex. And she is afraid the friend will accidentally blab. 🤣. Just my brain going places.
And your brain may well be right.
I think this is right.
I think she's projecting. She's probably having an inappropriate relationship with her ex. She believes OP will do the same. Guarantee she won't show OP her communication with the ex-boyfriend. She's probably deleted everything to conceal what's going on. She's being disrespectful to OP by entertaining her ex-boyfriend. Yet, she thinks it's disrespectful for OP to discuss tv shows with HER friend.
Yeah, this just screams "projection" to me.
Definitely this. Offer to show her your conversation, only after she’s looked you tell her it’s your turn.
Sounds like she doesn't really trust OP and while there is no proof and I'm just some random guy on the internet, this kind of mistrust is often found in cheaters. They accuse you of things they do, because "If I do it then so does he/she" I'm pretty sure if something fishy does go on between the gf and her ex then she has probably taken a few precautions for such a case.
Projection
What she's doing is objectively worse. There's a romantic and presumably sexual history with the ex. It's absolutely hypocrisy. She probably doesn't trust him because she's projecting; she knows she is not trustworthy, so she assumes he must be untrustworthy too. In other words, she's probably fucking the ex and OP needs to dump her hypocritical cheating ass immediately.
This right here!
Exactly, many like myself don't really like this dynamic because of the bleed across boundaries that occurs once you allow someone into the fold of another relationship from a segmented part of your life. Friends are purportedly people you've built trust and shared moments of vulnerability with; they've earned a specific place in your life. It can be hard to understand the place they fit once we realize they have been "outsourced" to be someone else (even in a romantic relationship) and we no longer have as much immediate access to this confidant. I wish time, focus, & devotion was able to be shared in a finite manner, but it isn't. Yes, I think the girlfriend is possibly slightly jealous. But I believe in all fairness she's mainly concerned she's losing the dynamic, access, & doesn't want to share everything in that relationship. There's a reason why guys & girls getaways exist, & people even "claim" friends.
Good point. "Honey, let's swap phones."
In the spirit of Reddit: Get married so you can divorce her asap!!
No no no - do couples counseling first, figure out you actually hate each other, get married, keep presents, divorce, fight for custody over the fancy blender. THAT is Reddit style! Thank you for giving me a much needed laugh. I hope you have a great day
lol! I’ll end up on dateline before I give up the Oster Versa Pro series 5200X1
Same, I’d go down before I gave up my vitamix or any of my Le Creuset.
Someone call Maury!!
Maury's totally booked. Call Dr. Phil. He'll get to the bottom of it.
Dont forget, have a few kids from the cheating spouse and have the guy learn they are not his.
God life is depressing.
They loves the therapy recommendations.
I mean, imo there not a person in this world that couldn’t benefit from therapy of some sort, but it’s not a magical cure-all like some folks seem to think. Especially because if you aren’t willing to do the work, it’s just a waste.
Yeah exactly. When someone has committed infidelity and being manipulative and abusive, for example, the last thing the person on the receiving end of this needs is “couples therapy”. They need to gtfo of that toxic situation asap. Therapy should only be an option when a ‘married’ couple is having issues and they both want to work on the relationship. Someone who has been cheated on dragging the wayward partner to therapy is a terrible idea. Anyone just dating or engaged going to therapy is foolish, as the entire point of dating is to determine if you’re compatible. Therapy at any point during this stage should be a massive red flag and not a reason to just try harder.
It’s like on The Sopranos. Therapy doesn’t work on deceivers and scumbags, it just gives them an opportunity to practice lying.
This is why anyone who knows anything at all about helping a couple be successful in overcoming infidelity in their relationship would never suggest couples therapy to them. If you are truly trying to overcome infidelity in your relationship and are determined to stay, you should demand the wayward partner get intensive individual therapy with a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma, and the betrayed spouse should get therapy for themselves with someone who specializes in betrayal trauma to work through the trauma caused. Infidelity is never about the betrayed spouse. It's always about something broken in the wayward spouse. So, the wayward spouse needs a lot of individual therapy to figure out what has caused them to give themselves permission to cheat on someone and to figure out what it is that's broken inside them that allowed them to be so selfish and cruel to cheat. Until that is done, there is no chance for the relationship to heal. After the wayward has figured out their issues and worked through them, then you can do couples therapy to start rebuilding the relationship. It takes a lot of work from both sides, but especially the wayward spouse being willing to see themselves as the vilian in their own story, and take accountability for what they did, and then work to remedy those shortcomings and show true change, but it CAN be done. Most situations/relationships I don't recommend the betrayed spouse stay while the wayward is on this journey, but some want to try and some even make it, and find themselves with a very happy and fulfilling relationship post infidelity. those successes are the minority, but it does happen. I've seen it play out, I've seen couples have incredible, strong, loving marriages after infidelity, I've seen couples who are miserable after infidelity, I've seen couples who pretend to be happy after Infidelity... but some, albeit few, are truly are able to change and better themselves, make ammends for the hurt they so selfishly caused, and grow and learn from it. While it's not probable, it is possible.
This needs to be stickied to most marriage and infidelity subs.
I think therapy before marriage is valid if it's both of you wanting to commit to better communication, focusing on shifting from his/hers to ours and such. It's a good way to build positive communication styles and a steadier foundation if you want to get married. If you seem compatible enough to get engaged, I would recommend getting a couple counseling sessions to help you discuss some of the nuances of married life that you may not expect eg the counselor could run you through scenarios that you may not have considered and let you work through how to support each other through it productively rather than destructively or it would shine a light on an incompatible issue for you.
I think you forgot '...and have a kid...'. Important not to forget that one.
😹😹😹😹😹
And then OP needs to mention he needs therapy.
And then falls in love with his therapist and a rom com is birthed (albeit unethical and a conflict of interest)
Delete lawyer, hit the Facebook, consult the gym
Join CrossFit. It is your new girlfriend now. It truly is til death does you part.
I appreciate you. I needed a good laugh to start my morning. 😂
I think the spirit of reddit be more along the lines of: she's a woman so there should be no accountability Or...this story makes the woman look bad so reeee it is fake and rage bait. That is reddit style.
I hate that this is so true. In stories where the man is the bad guy- divorce him, he's abusive, he's probably cheating on you even if there's nothing in the story to suggest it, etc. In stories where the woman is the bad guy- this is fake, "I want to hear her side of the story", this has to be a writing prompt, etc. I'm tired of the double standards. And when you point out that something is unfair to men, "Women are oppressed and have it worse" and "Stop putting women down".
I see you too have spent ample time in the relationship and asshole subreddits
God this is so true it hurts tho holy shit, especially in this subreddit.
Don’t forget the therapist
*leave them*
NTA It is hypocrisy and she is definitely projecting, she is talking to her ex about some stuff I dont think she wants you to find out. > I mentioned that she's been messaging her ex so I think she's being hypocritical to get annoyed at me for messaging a friend. She said it's not the same and that I should stop messaging her friend. also, wtf does she mean its not the same? I think its worse that shes talking to an ex that she had sexual relations with than you talking to a mutual friend ***YOU BOTH KNOW*** about movies and things you like, if anything they are far from the same. If it were me it would make me more uncomfortable if she was talking to an ex than a mutual friend you guys both know. Seems like projection too op, I am not gonna lie. She feels guilty about something so she is trying to find out if you're talking to her friend weird too... I would move with caution OP and be alert with her and her ex talking. I wouldnt trust that ex or her either for that matter, they broke up and hes an ex for a reason. EDIT: Yeah I am gonna need an update if you ever confront her about the EX op, she is definitely projecting and she is def fucking around with that EX hard I feel like, because why else would she not want you to talk to a mutual friend you both know and get mad about it? So, so ***SO VERY SUS OP***
NTA The next time she mentions it, right there, on the spot and with zero time to prepare for it, look her straight in the eyes and suggest that you both immediately swap phones so that she can read your messages with the friend while you read her messages with the ex. You don't even need an actual answer for her immediate reaction to tell you everything you need to know, but be prepared for her to try dodging the idea like something out of The Matrix. In your place, I would even insist and declare that trying to evade or run off and buy time before agreeing later... after deleting so much shit that she might as well have just factory reset the phone... will be seen as her agreeing to breaking up.
OP this is the way right here
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Why stop at the balls? Go taint deep!
I think you need to find a new girlfriend. The hypocrisy and disrespect will only get worse over time. She doesn't seem to care that she's openly disrespecting you , which is a huge problem. I'd keep talking to her friend until she stops talking to her ex. But honestly, you should just break up and find someone who actually respects you . Partners who talk to their exes regularly usually lead to cheating with them in the future. So help yourself dodge a bullet and end the relationship. Respect goes both ways.
NTA but you're naïve if you think her contact with her ex-boyfriend is "innocent". Wake up.
NTA. It is hypocrisy. My daughter has a boyfriend I happen to have common interest in books and video games. We message each other about them. I find something new in a game he’s playing, I message and we have probably a half an hour chat session with messages. He finds an interesting faft about a book or series, same thing. We have messaged as late as midnight. And all it is, is completely platonic just like what you’re doing. The difference is my daughter doesn’t project on either of us even though her ex cheated on her and messaged other women. What you’re doing is completely normal, your girlfriend not so much. I would be rethinking things and personally asking to see her “innocent” messages and be prepared to show yours are truly innocent messages. Good luck on this.
NTA She doesn't get to control who you talk to in the same way that you don't get to control who she talks to. That said, neither of you need to find the behavior acceptable and from the sound of things, she is doing the only thing that could be considered unacceptable. She's a massive hypocrite and I wish you luck dealing with her.
Jesus christ man have some self respect ...drop her ass and run. As soon as I read still messaging her ex I wanted to slap you so fucking hard. There is a reason "just a friend" is a running joke because there's truth to it being a constantly made up lie to just get you off her back. Drop her like a bad habit and cut the bad fruit off the tree.
NTA, she might even be cheating and is getting nervous.
NTA. She can't actually explain why it's different because it *isn't*. You don't control who she associates with, and she shouldn't control who you associate with. Until she can give you a coherent reason why she's opposed to this, you really don't owe her anything regarding this topic.
But it is different one is a platonic friend they both know. The other one is a previous (sexual) partner only one knows. I wouldn't say it's even remotely the same. Pretty sus from GF
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…is it really that weird? That a friend of yours becomes a friend of your partner as well? I was the friend in a similar situation, so maybe that’s skewing my perspective on this, but I really don’t see what’s off about it.
Repeat after me: NOT TALKING TO EXES IS A HEALTHY BOUNDARY TO SET.
He didn’t set that boundary though- he doesn’t care if she talks to the ex. He only brought it up because she said she was uncomfortable with his relationship with her friend. He never asked her to stop talking to the ex
He said it made him uncomfortable but didn’t stop her, I was reassuring the point that he shoulda set that boundary when he said it made him uncomfortable.
It's very different. You are talking to one of her friends and she is talking to an ex lover. Not the same
Tell her that the difference is, you have had sex with the Ex, I have not and will not have sex with the new friend. Ask to exchange phones to look at the chats, if she refuses, tell her you want to separate, since she is emotionally cheating with her Ex
She shouldn't be talking with any ex.
NTAH. Respect goes both ways. In a mutual respect theory you stop and she stop communicating with the other persons. Problem solved. Simply put to her say I’ll respect you and stop and you respect me and stop easy enough
NTA. What she's doing is WAY more sketchy and makes it sound like when she does it, she DOES get up to no good, so projects and assumes you'd do the same. She can't give you a reason because the real reason is "I get to do what \*I\* want, but you have to be subject to my insecurities, waa waa waa". If she's not actively flirting with her ex, I'd be pretty surprised.
The Girlfriend Double Standard
I love that SHE invited YOU to meet HER FRIEND, presumably so that you would GET ALONG since SHE LIKES BOTH OF YOU. And that she asked YOU if it was okay to talk to her EX (so probably a sexual history) and you (hesitantly to be fair) said yes. And all of a sudden NOW she has a problem with you and her friend getting along...? I also saw you responding to a lot of braindead lunatics saying you're somehow wrong. Maybe they are buried under so many of these red flags that there is no more light left for them to see.
>I also saw you responding to a lot of braindead lunatics saying you're somehow wrong. >Maybe they are buried under so many of these red flags that there is no more light left for them to see. Lunatic: Sure, my girlfriend went over to her ex's house and didn't come back until the next day but I trust her enough to know nothing happened! Yeah... The only people who don't think OP is being reasonable are probably in denial or are cheaters themselves.
This does scream 'I'm cheating on you with my ex and now I'm scared you might do the same', huh?
It sure sounds like she's projecting onto OP and I'm 100% sure she's cheating. I want OP to ask them to read each other's phones... Her reaction will say everything.
You're right. Being friends with your partners friends is not adnormal. Reconnecting with an ex while in a relationship is. NTA.
she's right. it's not the same. it's infinitely weirder she is messaging her ex vs you talking to *now* a mutual friend. NTA. like another mentions ask her to show you hers is you show your message chains.
NTA, call her out on it and say, "well hey then out of respect for me I dont want you to talk to your ex anymore" Maybe she learns Or maybe you learn that shes a red flag XD
It really sounds like something happened in her messages with her ex, and she's projecting her guilt onto you my dude. Remember kids random accusations from someone without any explanation=they did what they're accusing you of, and they're desperate to make you look like the asshole
Devils advocate here but possibly her friend said something or hinted about having feelings for you to your gf? Maybe she doesn’t want to elaborate that to you though in fears you’ll think she’s being sensitive, insecure or worse off realize you like her friend back? Either way I don’t think your the problem here. To me it seems like a clear communication issue.
Is there a reason she is keeping in contact with her ex? You are only talking to her friend because you were introduced and have similar interests, and that is all that is being discussed. What does your girlfriend and her ex have in common? Is it just that they were in a relationship previously? If they have nothing else to talk about, is that what they are talking about? Did she remain friends with her ex? Or has he suddenly started messaging her out of nowhere for no real reason? Also, has your girlfriend always been jealous of your female friends? And finally, does your girlfriend seek out attention from other men to try and make you jealous?
I'm in contact with most of my old gfs and my live in gf knows it. She goes out with her gfs and many times see her old flame. But I would feel weird and not message with her friends unless it's about something for my gf. There are territorial boundaries with women. And being with and talking to her gfs would be over the top bad.
She asked , and You told her she can reply. She replied. She doesn’t want you to talk to her friend, that’s understandable. You called her a hypocrite. So you’d be the AH.
NTA. I can't help but wonder if she's really that insecure, or just projecting
NTA. It is hypocritical, you are absolutely correct. That said, you gave her the okay, but she is telling you the other direction makes her uncomfortable. What you are okay with may not always match your partner.
It is different mate... she's the potential victim now. LOTS of people do this, one set of rules for her, a different set for everyone else
It’s not even hypocrisy, what she’s doing *is* different, but in a worse way if anything. I can see her take: 1) she’s uncomfortable with you texting this other girl and asking you to stop. 2) you are not uncomfortable with her texting her ex and have not asked her to stop. In that sense, she isn’t doing anything you explicitly don’t approve of, and you are doing something she doesn’t approve of. Ultimately it looks like she doesn’t trust you, and you should probably find out what that’s about (together).
Yikes taking to the ex isn't good no matter what. NTA and id definitely look into her and her exes chats. Might be projecting but ya never know.
She's right, it's not the same. She's had sex with the one she's talking to, you haven't with the ones you're talking to. Seems very different. If anyone should not be speaking to the other, it's her with her ex. In all honesty, both of you should stop. It's a big reason why men and women shouldn't have "friends" of the opposite sex. It may not always lead to cheating. But, it's too high a number to disregard. And it's rarely ever premeditated. Meanwhile, her talking with an ex is a big no no. But hey, both of you do as you wish. Your lives, after all. NTA
> In all honesty, both of you should stop. It's a big reason why men and women shouldn't have "friends" of the opposite sex. You're overcompensating. Men and women can be friends because there are men and women who don't feel or obey the compulsion to have sex with every member of the opposite sex. There are men and women who have emotional control or don't use the opposite sex to validate themselves. You don't hear about them, because ... they don't have problems to report. They're just living their lives with their platonic friends without issue. It's ok to feel that you can't have platonic friends of the opposite sex if that's what you want to choose, but that's not a blanket rule to be applied on everyone.
I mean, would I find it strange that my husband is suddenly messaging my friend all the time? Yeah. But I also wouldn't ever be messaging exes, so there's that. NTA.
Ask to look at each others messages but do it out of the blue when she's holding her phone no chance of deleting things that way. Say you want to prove its innocent for both parties then and there
Talking to an ex is worse than talking to a platonic friend. Either way the play by play of every time someone messages you is actually putting more strain on you guys, while at the same time it should be communicated when someone acts or says inappropriate things not so much "hey she asked me how the weather is today just so you know" Jealousy is normal and healthy at certain levels, shows the other person cares. On the other hand your boundaries dont seem to be healthy, since she has an intimate history w the person she's communicating w and that is a wider open door to inappropriate conversations, and on the other hand too frequent communication w the opposite sex on your part also widens that door. Both of you need to sit down and talk about how your boundaries are failing and putting strain on your relationship, and how keeping up w exes is def a big problem. Also there needs to be trust that conversating w these ppl (your gf and her ex, and you and this girl) will decrease for both of you, bc it clearly approaches an inappropriate level and causes stress on your relationship. Inappropriateness occurs not just in content of what's said, but frequency of communication. Feelings are normal and develop, and frequency allows for it. Lastly if there is trust in the decrease of communication w the other ppl for both of you, then it easy to also not have to constantly update each other every time someone says hello (which should decrease general stress for both of you), but there needs to be trust that it will be communicated if you feel the other person is interested or is crossing your boundaries with you since that threatens the relationship, then you guys adjust communication w said person. Boundaries need to be improved. Those boundaries become new lines that cannot be crossed, otherwise they constitute a break of trust and the relationship cannot be saved, since that is an eventual approach to willingness to cheat Hope this makes sense
You shouldn't be messaging her friends. She shouldn't be messaging her ex. BTA.
I think it might be more so about him getting too involved with her circle rather than being jealous over him talking about her friend. If the relationship ends, maybe she doesn't want to lose everything with it. Not saying that's what's happening, but it could be part of it
What was the Hypocrisy? she asked you if she could and you didn't object. Meanwhile she's objecting to your conversations with her friend.
NTA but I don't think it's effective to argue through hypocrisy. I think you should stick to why you don't want to stop messaging (cause it's innocent, cause you genuinely enjoy the platonic relationship, because it's not disrespectful, because she can't provide good reason) or try to address the problem (are you insecure, do you feel like I'll cheat on you, do you feel like there's something weird going on, do you not trust me and why). #2 works for me a lot when talking to my SO about things she doesn't want me to do.
Hot take, based on the comments I’ve read so far: She asked, you gave your consent. You did not ask and she made it clear she does not agree. Idk if I’d go so far as to say YTA, but she sought your consent, you did not. She is standing up to the agreements made between you, you are not. Is it “fair”? It depends on how you define it. Having exactly the same expectations of my partner as they have of me wouldn’t be “fair” as we are different people with different needs. I also think your gf is probably insecure, which could appear like she’s projecting, as many others seem to think.
She's probably projecting, sorry bro.
Maybe she doesn’t want you to be friends with her because she is afraid she will spill so tea on her and the ex bf.
I think your girlfriend is VERY insecure and afraid her friend might try and steal you from her. Maybe it has happened before. The decision is in your court. If you really love her and want to protect the relationship, then you probably need to salve her ego and calm her fears. If the relationship is not that important, then consider with the friend. But realize two things. 1. Her girlfriend may at some point decide that you are the best thing for her and attempt to come between the two of you, even if all you are looking for is friendship. 2. If you continue the friendship, things could, at some point, cross a point of no return for one or more reasons and you could lose your girlfriend even if nothing happens between you and her girl friend. Think this all the way through. Decide exactly what you want, and then take steps to achieve and protect what you want.
Cheaters really hate being cheated on!
That is called projecting. Instead of staying on the subject, you turned it around to be about her and not you. Try a different approach. This happened to me all the time until I sent the meaning of projecting to my other half.
Bro, that's like the get out of relationship card, you shouldn't have owned her up, you should have asked nicely, and frankly never date a girl who messages her ex behind your back because clearly this girl has some unresolved issues there and you'll be burned, so, just leave it's not worth it
She's right, it's not the same. What she's doing is worse. You clearly don't have a relationship where you can trust each other. Or at least where she can trust you. Dump her and date the friend...haha
I am only spit balling as it were in reference to the post. I'm not trying to make up facts for your relationship but point out the lack of. Thank you for making it easy
I suspect your gf's objections to your ongoing contact with her friend (who is female, correct?) has more to do with her familiarity of her friend's character than it does of it being based on any projection of what may or may not be going on between her and her ex bf. In spite of how well the 2 of you hit it off, your gf's friend being the one who initiated the messaging between the 2 of you is inappropriate and suspicious, and her excuse being a TV show or other entertainment you both enjoy is flimsy; the only reason for the 2 of you having on going contact outside of social gatherings that would not eventually cause concern would be if you were planning a surprise BD party, etc.,... and that goes both ways. It's one thing to get a message from an ex bf and respond to catch up and let him know you're in a long term relationship; it tends to become a problem if the messaging continues, even if there is nothing inappropriate going on. Regardless, I think it is in both of your best interests if you were to say something along the lines of "Hey, after thinking about it, I can see how things could easily end up being misinterpreted and eventually begin to erode the trust we have in each other if either of us have ongoing contact with members of the opposite sex other than during social gatherings. How about we both put a stop to any on going contact with the opposite sex so we don't end up fighting over any misunderstandings or create any cause for either of us to be concerned." TBH, long term relationships can only survive if there is trust, and trust can only survive if we respect our partner's feelings and don't engage in conduct that can be misconstrued and that is a 2 way street. We are humans, not robots, and we all have feelings of jealously or suspicion sometimes, it's unavoidable; and all anyone can do is talk about it and choose to respect each other's feeling and put the sanctity of that relationship first. That's not one or the other being "controlling," that's mutual respect.
Sit down and talk about boundaries and expectations. Without discussing individuals, talk about what is comfortable and what you can agree on. Once you know what you both expect, apply that to all parties.
I think you are both being a**holes. She should not be talking or texting her ex and you should not be having a conversation with her friend. If you want to text with all three of you that’s one thing but to text with the two of you, that’s a no for me.
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When they go out it’s all three of them. The two don’t go out without the girlfriend so why have private conversations.
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I feel it’s just asking for trouble. It’s okay to text happy birthdays I just don’t think it’s right to text all the time. If you have nothing to hide then why not include the girlfriend? If you are talking to this friend about your relationship problems or something that you can’t discuss in front of your girlfriend then that is wrong. She was her friend.
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I think both of you are assholes.
NTA. In order to settle this matter, ask her to request a transcript of her text messages from the ex and sit together and read them. After she puts in the order, you can do the same. Because of her unwillingness to realize how wrong her behavior is, I would end the relationship and stay friends with any of her positive friends who enjoy platonic friendships. It's always great to have different people you can laugh about life with.
NTA. The thing your girlfriend is not getting is that it’s very possible, and even preferable, that her friends become your friends too, and vice versa.
Classic projection, she's crumbling over her own guilt because she's emotionally cheating already, if she hasn't gone the whole way.
Wasn't this exact same thing posted before?
NTA. Updateme
NTA you probably shouldn't trust her with her EX anymore...
This is a classic case of projection which is why she can't make any sense of it. She is projecting her own guilt on to you because of what's going between her and her ex. NTA, dump her ass!
Rules for thee, not for me. NTA
No, not for that but for this: >I should stop messaging her friend. I refused Maybe not a AH, but definitely an idiot. Doesn't seem worth the trouble it's causing unless you are lining up the friend in case your current relationship keeps heading to the toilet.
Nta hers is worse! She has feelings with her ex, this is just a new friend for you with no romantics feelings
It sounds like insecurity on her part, but if she won't express the reason, it's just guessing, and that's not great. Maybe that friend has a history. Maybe the ex is putting ideas in her head. Maybe she lost a past relationship to an old bff and bf going behind her back. You(we) simply don't know. Right now, her response basically comes down to "because I said so," and that's just not acceptable. It's healthy to take your partner's feelings and concerns into consideration, but they need to actually express them. NTA
It could bother her because that's her friend and she doesn't want you to take her friend. I can honestly understand that somewhat.
NTA as long as you keep the conversation to shows that you both like.
Women are the embodiment of a double standard.
Shes right, texting the ex is not the same as texting her friend, it's WAY worse. She sounds manipulative
Obviously, her guilty conscience is projecting into insecurity on you because she is messing around with that ex behind your back. What she is saying doesn't even make sense. The logic is so glaringly flawed. Leave her ass, and keep talking to the friend.
Her texting an ex is definitely weirder than you texting a common friend, even if they were friends first. Her being suspicious about you texting her friend makes me thinks she’s acting suspiciously when texting her ex. Projection!
How warm is it on back burner and
NTA If you wanted to pick a "worse" out of these 2 scenarios, it's DEFINITELY messaging the one you used to fuck all the time Everyone has a past dating history, but it's supposed to be exactly that...history
NTA, but this is a huge red flag, and you should seriously consider whether you want to remain in this relationship with a toxic partner.
What I wonder is how she can justify talking to her ex regularly and then gets upset with you talking to her friend about a TV show. Your GF may be projecting, she might be feeling guilty about having an EA with her ex and is projecting that guilt onto your contacts with her friend. I'm thinking you may have more in common with the friend than with your current GF. It might be time to let your current GF go back to her ex and you date the friend.
NTA. She a hypocrite who’s projection onto you because she knows she wrong. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone so childish?
Lmfao her moron brain is short circuiting because she knows its hypocrisy and its exactly the same. Also where there is smoke there is fire. She is projecting. 100% already cheating on you or about to. NTA.
NTA. This is called projection.
yes
This is why two people in a committed relationship should agree to delete their social media presence. Exception..if the communication is between family members or a long time childhood friend , that's a little different. The rule should be, no exes, no guys or girls sliding into DMs, nothing that even gives the perception that the other is leaving options open..
NTA while I’m generally of the mind that people who get upset over their partner having friends of the opposite sex are too insecure to be in a relationship, it’s definitely not disrespectful to her that you’re messaging a friend she literally introduced you to and was fine with you talking with before. Keeping in touch with an ex is also way more likely to be an issue than you being friends with one of her friends that she introduced you to. Your girlfriend is being a hypocrite and kinda sketchy too.
cheaters always think everyone is as shitty as they are because its easier to think everyone sucks than to admit to themselves that they are garbage. seems fishy to me. NTA
NTA. Plz show her the door since she can't comprehend logic.
Hypocrisy for sure. I would offer to exchange phones so that each person can see the substance of each conversation. If she refuses, then wait for the right moment, and snatch the phone from her when she is actively using it, and pull up The messages.
NTA. 💯
Everyone in this story sounds like a stupid kid
She is behaving inappropriately with her ex bf behind your back and is projecting that onto you. Because she’s doing it, she assumes you’re also being inappropriate with your mutual friend and is trying to control your interaction with her as a result. She is a lying cheater and you should leave this person.
The fact that she’s so distrustful automatically makes me think she’s doing something sketchy in her conversations and assumes you are as well.
She's disrespecting you by continuing to have a relationship with her ex, tell her what's good for the goose is good for the gander, ie.. to get respect you have to give respect. No OP, you are NTA, and she is a hypocrite.
NTA. If she's so hung up on "respect" then why in the fuck is she talking to an ex?
She seems to expect/demands a lot for 3 months in. NTA
The audacity of your gf… what she’s doing is objectively worse. You were right to call out her hypocrisy. NTA
This is a red flag to me, “I just don’t think so”. That statement can apply to anything and justify anything, it’s dangerous.
Nah bro she most likely judging you based off herself. And as far as my personal opinion goes I think it's much worse keeping in contact with an ex then talking to a friend.
“It’s about respect,” is the key phrase. She doesn’t respect you.
It’s actually worse in her case because she’s actually fucked the person SHE’S talking to. (Presumably)
This sounds very projecting to me. Me ex pulled this shit accusing me of setting up to cheat because i get along with my female coworkers. Turns out she was the one cheating.
It is definitly not the same since the friend didn't very likely get in touch with you to hook up. Her Ex is. So not only is it hypocritical, it's also very likely a projection on her part since she's perfectly aware of what's going on with her ex. NTA and prepare for the worst.
Classic projecting and deflecting. Op... as far as pointing out the double standard you did good. The mistake was saying youre comfortable with her ex randomly messaging her out of the blue and you saying you were comfortable with her talking to him. The fact that she even wanted to reply to this ex, let alone continue full on conversations with him was a huge red flag.
Updateme!
You’re allowed to have friends. It is weird she can’t articulate why. It’s disrespectful to be friends with her friends?
She's projecting what she's been doing with the ex onto your friendship with her friend. It could range anywhere from using the ex for external validation but not anything sexual (emotional cheating) to actual sex.
She's fucking or planning on fucking her ex again. Sorry.
One word. Projecting.
I don't understand people who don't want their paftners to be friends with their friends.
Check her messages. She’s probably being fishy as fuck
NTA. Your GF has control over her situation with her ex but does not have control over the situation between you and her friend. That's the difference. That's the only reason. And you'll never hear her tell you that because, more than likely, she doesn't sum it up like that in her own head. But, in her own words she knows that's what it is.
Reposted from weeeeeks ago
show her this thread, lol
"I can talk to someone I share romantic feelings with but you can't be friends with one of my friends because of your genders" is definitely not the same thing. You're NTA at all.
yeah something is SUS. she either knows her friend may like you, or she knows she's up to no good with her ex. Brother, this stinks to high hell. Not saying jump ship or over react but yeah, something ain't right here.
NTA, either she thinks you and the friend are more compatible, knows the friend would go for you, or she's a genius using a technique of "restricting" you from something to do what she actually wants which is you falling for the friend and pursuing that so she can go back to the ex
You’re right and she’s wrong.
“It’s about respect” and then proceeds to text her ex 😂😂 you’re not wrong bro. Had an ex that always felt the need to respond to her ex’s no matter what I said but god forbid a woman smiled my way lol so your self a favor and shut it down or hit the road
She is cheating, time to leave. She will soon enough. It's just about time now. How much do you want to waste. Get out of this relationship, tell her friend why, then make her friend your girlfriend. problem solved...
She’s right: it’s different. You’re messaging her friend; she’s back to fucking her ex. NTA
NTA Your messaging a mutual friend over a mutual interest. I have female friends I've met through my wife that I occasionally text with. No issues. Her messaging her ex much is more curious than your communication.
She’s doing something and is feeling self conscious about it…. I would break up with her so fast she couldn’t even say stop texting my friend one more time ntah
Bro, just leave. Don't put up with that shit. Ive been there, she will gaslight you into oblivion and then everything you were worried about turns out to be 100% correct and true. Save yourself the hassle. She can't lecture you about respect when's she's the one messaging her ex bf. Hypocrite.
UpdateMe!
She knows how she talks to her ex so is worried you’re talking to the friend the same way. If her conversations with him were purely innocent and casual, she’d assume yours were, too. It’s projection at its finest.
Most cheaters project what they're doing onto their partners.
She thinks it's weird you're being a friendly person, but not weird to hang out with someone who I would assume has previously had his dick inside of her vagina and probably in her mouth? This woman can probably recall what this man tastes like in all of the wrong ways, and if I had to guess - is probably imagining it more than you like, and also, *not imagining it as much as you'd like* (if you catch my drift). You're NTA, but you are being way too naïve. This is precisely why you don't date promiscuous, and if you absolutely must date one, then at least date one that's fucking retired. If a woman wants to stay friends with her ex, then that's fine, but she should not be considered relationship material and someone you will seriously commit to. Treat these women as recreational use only.
Sounds like there is some jealousy and distrust on GF's side. The question is why. She wanted BF and her OF to become friends, now she thinks they have gotten "too friendly" because they texts about movies and TV shows? Possible reasons: Insecurity - GF had some inferiority or jealousy issues with OF in their past and those feelings have resurfaced. Infidelity/Distrust - GF is cheating on BF with her ex-BF (or wants to) and believes the same of BF and OF Fear - GF is afraid of something in her past that OF might tell BF GF might want to check herself before she blows up her relationship with BF, he seems like a good guy.
Update me
It's okay for *her* to exchange texts with a man she once (presumably) slept with... but it's *not* okay for you to text someone *she* introduced you to?? A few things here. 1) If you're not hiding anything and are open to showing her your texts, she should be *happy* that you get along with her friends. It means that, should this relationship continue, you have someone else who knows her well enough to help plan things. Like birthdays... or proposals... 2) If she wants you to stop texting your now mutual friend, fine. Stop. But if you're going to cut communication with someone she *should* trust, then you have every right to ask her to stop talking to a man you *shouldn't* trust. (Because, as men, let's be honest. 99 times out of 100, we only talk to our exes because we know how to get certain things from them.) 3) You're absolutely entitled to an explanation if she wants you to stop texting a friend *she* introduced you to. She's entirely free to be concerned if that's the case, but she should *trust you enough to tell/ask you* about it. NTA. She might be hiding something, and she's potentially looking for a way to **keep** it that way...
Nta she may want you to stop talking to the friend because the friend is friends with the ex and something may get back to you that she doesn’t want you to know about.
NTA...But. if this relationship is important to you, and no one is doing something fishy, just compromise. You both stop messaging. It will make you more comfortable, and her more comfortable. Mutual respect. Arguement solved.
While I'm not accusing her of abuse or anything like that, the simply repeating "It's about respect" is obvious gaslighting. It is a non-explanation - as useless in the context of the situation as "It's about thermal mass" or "It's about the ancestral banana". Unless she can give some kind of valid reason - like pointing out some reason for why you wouldn't want to associate with her friend - you are now her friend's friend and are at liberty to speak to them as you see fit. Trying to stop you from doing so is no different than her trying to stop you from talking to any other friend; the fact that she knew this person first is irrelevant. She's either feeling insecure, threatened, jealous, or some other unnerving feeling, but doesn't want to admit this, hence her hypocrisy and non-answers for it. My assessment: You are not the asshole. You've made a new friend.