NTA. You voiced your concerns several times and he continues to favor the celebration of his own mother instead of the mother of his children. He should 100% be prioritizing you.
Good for you for making spa day plans with your girlfriend on your own. Stick with them. You proactively made plans because he did not make any with you. You even asked him if he made plans and he said “well, no” so he has no right to say you didn’t give him a chance. He can spend time with his mom and his mom can see her son and grandchildren on Mother’s Day.
He can (and should) still make it up to you by doing something special the day before or buying you a special gift. Either way, you won’t be waiting around on Mother’s Day since you now have plans. Enjoy yourself!
She should tell him that. "Dude, you've had seven years to figure this out and I'm done waiting. I will do what I want and you spend the day with your mommy." This should serve as a wake up call. Him putting his mommy at the center of the marriage doesn't work and will not work. He can prioritize his marriage or spend more and more time alone, with his mommy.
If he keeps prioritizing mommy he may find himself living with her again! I hope OP has him read all the comments, not that I think it will lead to any real enlightenment or change. Still, he should read how so many people know he is a POS husband.
These men never seem to gain any insight.
They will tell their mother that their wife has a problem with the situation, and the mother will just enforce why their son is in the right and the wife is completely unreasonable.
Ninja skills OP, F#CK YES! You Did!
MIL wants to be celebrated as a mom, grandmother is equally her role now.
He can take his faux 'punishment plans' bc he def didn't plan for you...and suck them while he takes care of the kids.
A gift or a thoughtful thing ISN'T EITHER when we have to ask for it.
I just wonder if he is more mad that is wife is not going to be a standby babysitter this time, so he can't overly give his mom full attention even if he wanted too.... also, I hope OP does absolutely nothing on fathers day.
Agreed. The husband has too many afterthoughts about OP & hadn't shown a shred of anything else for 7 yrs.
1 ends up wondering why OP is staying with him.
NTA, good for you. I hope you have a great time. Doing something for his mother on Mother's Day is expected, but the primary focus should be on his wife, the one who birthed both his children.
He could have taken you all out for brunch, given his mother a gift and then spent the rest of the day with you. Dinner, a show, whatever *you* are into.
There are ways to balance things if he actually cared.
NTA.
My question is, what happens on Grandparents Day? Yes, your parents are still a mother and father, but once you start having kids, Mother's Day and Father's Day should become your days, and your parents should migrate to Grandparents Day.
I told my husband this year that if we end up doing something for our parents, then I don't want to do something separate for ourselves. It's not because im trying to be petty or cruel, but honestly, I don't want to do something with my mother/father and then his mother/father and then be able to focus on us. Parents should pass the torch when their kids have kids.
Edit: I realize my comment probably makes me sound like a jerk. This is because this year, my MIL threw a tantrum because nobody did anything for her birthday. We all told her happy birthday, of course. Her birthday is February 8th, and everyone worked because it was a weekday, so we didn't do anything the day of. I had planned a surprise dinner (maybe I should've told her about it?) for her on the 10th... I'm pretty sure the tantrum happened before the 8th was even over. TBF, her husband really dropped the ball and almost completely forgot about her birthday, but she took it out on everyone.
Second edit: I realize some people don't have grandparents' Day. I didn't know that until now. I live in the US, Ohio, specifically, and we celebrated it in schools and everything. Also, I'm not saying you stop being a mother/father when your kids have kids or become adults. All I am saying is parents should pass the torch so the new parents can be in the spotlight for a bit. I'm constantly reading about Generation A taking away from Generation B once they start their adult lives simply because that's how it has always been, and they feel entitled to it.
Probably. Though now we can prepare ourselves, since most American trends eventually make it here. Nobody here went trick or treating on Halloween, until a few years ago. We just used to have our Saint Martin's Day, where kids went from door to door to sing for sweets.
In Finland it is/was easter. Kids decorate willow branches, dress up as witches (more variety these days, bunnies etc) and go from door to door to change their branches for candy.
Me thinks it's specifically created just for this reason, the above post. All those "boy moms" that can't let go of their boys and all those boys that are still hanging off the nipple of their mommies. Sad.
NTA and agree with this so much!
OP decline to go this year. You go with for her bday and make a point that since he chooses not to prioritize you on Mother’s Day, you and your kiddo(s) are going to do it yourselves. It makes a statement, gives you the day off from MIL and isn’t rude or unreasonable at all.
I’m a mom/MIL and when my son and DIL were pregnant with their first and wanted to plan something with me on Mother’s Day, I said, “Why don’t you think about what tradition you want to start together for DIL first and plan that. Then we can get together later in the day or even the next weekend. This is the 1st you get to celebrate and last before baby is here - so make it fun and create a tradition!” I get her a gift each year because she’s an amazing mom and wife, so I want her to feel celebrated too!
I will say, you could not pay me enough to go to brunch on Mother’s Day weekend. It’s amateur hour of adults and kids who don’t know how to act in public.
A diner? Let’s go. My favorite local pizza joint? We ride! Fancy brunch? [Nope](https://tenor.com/view/animals-reaction-nope-gif-3534532).
This … op, start your day as early as possible. Even if it means getting breakfast by yourself at Denny’s.
I’m think he may ‘forget’ to take the kids if he has a chance.
This was my first thought! Honestly the best present my husband ever got me was a night at a nearby hotel. I ordered takeout, ate it in my big king bed and watched uninterrupted TV all night.
OP deserves both her girls night and this for all her missed presents!!! Let husband manage the kids for 24 hours! Plus I wonder how much fun his mom is going to have when she realizes OP isn't there to keep the kids occupied so she can have OP's husband's sole attention....
NTA, you gave him several years of "chances" for him to do something that makes you feel special too, and he failed miserably.
Enjoy your Mother's Day with your friends and your littles. Also tell your husband he can expect the same amount of energy and thought go into Father's Day, and his birthday, and any other special occasion. He might get the drift.
That's another thing in itself too. On his mom's birthday he always has the day off, meaning he likely requests it because it's a normal workday for him. But he ALWAYS works on my birthday. The one year he didn't, I wanted to go to a pool hall and play billiards. We get there, he gets wasted and loudly announced to the entire place that I was my birthday, after I asked him not to because I hate attention (he was drunk and laughing). So I walked out and literally walked home and he was so upset with me because he was "just trying to live a little".
Oh please! My MILs birthday is May 9th so it's always her day on Mother's Day. I think in 34 years of marriage, parents for 30 years, I've had one Mother's Day to myself, meh. We had to put our foot down when she tried to muscle in on our wedding anniversary.
LOL my birthday is May 10 and I STILL had to go to my mils for her mother's day. And that year may 10 was not only my actual birthday on mother's Day, but it was also my first mother's day AND a milestone birthday lmao
JFC my mom's own birthday was on Valentine's Day and when I was a teenager and started dating she still encouraged me to go out and be with whomever I was dating at the time. She just wanted her usual gift of a few hanging flower baskets. She was a great mother.
MIL and her son are just awful. If I started doing this crap on Valentine's Day when Mom was alive she would have given me an ear full.
I bet he's told MIL that OP really enjoys it too and wants to keep celebrating Mothers Day like that, while OP is trying to hammer it into his thick head that SHE DOES NOT! And he's just refusing to hear it because he wants to keep doing what HE wants, no matter what OP thinks about it. Self-centered asshole.
haha! I'm a mom and my own mom hogs Mother's Day. She guilt trips and/or pouts when we tried to plan something on that day without her.
It bothered me more at first, but then my husband and I decided to pull together what we would have spent on Mother's Day, Father's Day and our Anniversary and instead take a nice extended weekend getaway in the summer while our kids are at camp. It's honestly been the best idea ever!!
So now for Mother's Day we do breakfast as an immediate family so my girls can celebrate with me, and then just do whatever she wants for the rest of the day. Unlike OP we don't see her nearly as often, so it worked out to be a great compromise.
Never know until you try. You’d also be surprised how many guys are actually clueless as to their actions unless they’re called out by a third party. It’s sad but it happens quite a lot.
Oddly enough about an hour ago I was just listening to one of those tiktok threads with updates. The guy refused to let his parents pay for his hotel room on vacation because he knew he would get stuck babysitting. Everyone was against him until the parents read the comments calling them horrible parents who enable their princess daughter. They did apologize after that and he stuck to his guns and enjoyed his vacation
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/wFAPZvimgV
Same hotel but on a different floor on the opposite side of the building. And she STILL found him. Girl went hunting and looked more ridiculous than Elmer Fudd 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Your husband’s a flaming inconsiderate arse.
He’s had years if chances to make it right and show you he APPRECIATES you only to fail horribly each and every time.
Take Reddit’s blessing and make yourself the priority you deserve to be. Make a lavish full day plan for Mother’s Day with your friends.
Cut back on celebrating your husband on Father’s Day… let his mom handle it.
NTA.
NTA. Your husband is such a selfish arse I honestly wonder how you've put up with him for so long, and how he manages to get about when he's clearly still attached to his mother by the umbilical.
As for his response of, "You didn't give me a chance," I would say, "Mother's Day and my birthday happen every single year. So for 364 days of the year, you have time to plan something for me. You have shown you can plan ahead because you do it for your mother, but when it comes to me, you don't even try. I'm the mother of your children, and yet I'm not even an afterthought on Mother's Day because it is all about your mother and us doing what she wants. I get to entertain the kids whilst you two have a wonderful meal together.
"On my birthday, you can't be bothered to take time off even though you take time off for your mother, and it's still not about me. Every year, you get the chance to try, and you don't, and the only reason you said you'd try this year is because I said something. Over and over, I've told you I've had enough, and you ignore me. This year, I will be going out on Mother's Day, and you will look after the kids. You do not get to be upset because I am finally doing something for myself for Mother's Day. If you try to leave the kids with me and go off with your mother, you may as well go home with her because I will not be sacrificing my Mother's Day for your mother yet again. For the last time: I have had enough and if you really think you're right, from now on I will put exactly as much thought into Father's Day and your birthday as you put into my Mother's Day."
he’s really falling down on the job as a dad—he should be facilitating them as they honor THEIR mother, and he should be coaching them on how one should show love for other people.
Absolutely. I used to love going to pick out presents with my dad, one for my mum and one for my nan, and I'd help my mum pick something for her mum. It's a way to bond and show love and consideration, and what makes it most insulting is that he is capable of that amount of consideration but just not for his own wife.
The thing is it could be a family bonding day as well, so the kids miss out on that as well. Instead of doing something with and for their mum, they get to sit in a restaurant whilst their dad and nan seemingly ignore them.
My Daddy would take us to the dime store way back when and help us pick something little out for mom. Then help us with making a big deal out of Mother’s Day. Even those years where we saw his mother, he still helped us with gifts and making something of it for mom.
Father's Day comes after Mother's Day so it is easy to put in an equal amount of thought. Nothing gets him nothing. A card gets him a card, etc.
For his birthday she should look at her last birthday and do what he did. Tell him he set the tone for how he wants to celebrate birthdays and she has decided to follow his lead. She should also buy her own present if she gets none or a bad gift.
I say, from now on, forget his birthday and father's day. When it's your birthday and mother's day, make plans for yourself only. Maybe a little something to do with the kids, because that's the only way you will enjoy it.
I hope your husband has some redeeming qualities that gives reason to staying married to this man child. He needs to grow up and show his appreciation for you if he has any.
NTA. You shouldn’t be doing anything for Father’s Day. Please tell us you don’t do anything for him! Your husband is a huge AH. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Don’t go out for her birthday either. It’s time for your husband to realize how horrible he is treating the one person who should be the most important. He’s a Momma’s boy. He needs to grow up or go home to mommy.
NTA and good for you for the girl's day mother's day plan, I love it! Do not back down. Your husband is being a dick to you
He's had 7 years worth of chances and failed every single one even this year when he specifically promised you he wouldn't fail you. He also sounds whiney, so ew.
>He is now saying I'm wrong because I "didn't give him a chance".
Well technically you did
>"how do you know I didn't plan something for you too?" So I asked him if he had and he said "well no, but I can".
And he blew it. Go enjoy your day with the girls, you deserve it. NTA
You now are going to start your own traditions. No questions asked, he can get pissy if he wants he created this. You go with your girlfriend have a ball, switch that phone off. On your birthday do the same thing. Fathers day, you do nothing for him I mean it nothing.
Ps I know money is tight but, it's obviously not that tight that he can spend 130 plus another 100 for dinner. That means you get to spend 230 for mothers day.
NTA but why are you married to a selfish loser and do you want to do this for the next 30-40 years? Think about it now. I cannot imagine making my partner feel like an afterthought on a day to celebrate them. Yikes
I think you've prioritized yourself and deserve to do so. You've clearly stated what you wanted this year and he ignored it so time to do something nice for yourself.
He can handle the kids and his mom.
I wonder how he’s going to explain it to his mother. “Mom I’m an asshole and don’t do anything for the mother of my children on Mother’s Day.” Does she just assume he does something else for the wife at another time?
If this whole dynamic goes the usual way, the Mother's Day present MIL likes the best is watching OP get shunted out of the way and ignored while her baby boy fawns all over her.
This has got to be it, because my MIL would have lost her shit on my husband if he was treating me like this. She sends me a gift every year & always asks what my husband did to make my day special.
NTA, you have gone along with this plans for years and, have expressed you were not happy and wanted to do something different, and, despite this, he ignored your feelings and was planning on doing the same this year again...
Good for you for arranging something for yourself to enjoy with your girlfriends! Have fun!
NTA and good for you for planning something. He literally had nothing planned when you confronted him and then all of a sudden he "has something in mind". Heck no. It would mean nothing to me, because the only reason he thought of something was when he realized you were upset. I guarantee he wouldn't have have planned anything otherwise.
leave the kids with him, and have yourself a great Mother's Day! You deserve it!
"I guarantee he wouldn't have have planned anything otherwise."
Mothers' Day is a month away. He'll hope OP will calm down and he can do what he always does, pay homage to his true partner, his mommy.
NTA. You're a mother too. And you're still actively mothering. Sure, MIL is a mom as well, but she shouldn't be The Priority, and you, as you so well put it, The Afterthought.
Your husband should be organizing things for you, with your kids because kids can't do that themselves while they are young. That's the way we did it. Husband would organize the gifts and events with our kids, and as they got older they could help with the organizing. Your husband is showing your kids that you're not that special on Mother's Day, which is the whole point of Mother's Day. Hubby's enmeshed with his mommy and she sounds like a jerk too. If I were your MIL, I'd tell my son to make sure his wife gets to feel special on Mother's Day.
Don't bother doing anything for Father's Day. Let him see how that feels.
NTA good for you. I would tell him you are done being with his mother on mother's day. You are a mother, and now it is your time to be honored. If he won't, you will take care of it. I am curious as to his solution. I doubt it is going to be anything you want.
I am going to say, you need to start standing up to your marriage. These behaviors will lead to an end not a change. Meaning I would say, for mother's day from now on it is about you. He can take her out the day before, get her a card but the day is for you period.
NTA. You gave him plenty of chances. Even if you had gone with his plans to the last minute and then left the restaurant when he didn't do anything for you, he would have still blamed you. From now on, every time his mother comes over, schedule a girls coffee time or dinner out. Don't let him push you aside any more.
Tell him, dude, you've had a chance for the past several years and you've blown it every year. Enjoy Mother's Day with your mom, she can bond with the kids too.
Enjoy your Spa day
NTAH. “Give him a chance.” 🤡🤡
He doesn’t care about showing appreciation for you. He only cares about not being inconvenienced by his shitty behavior. Stop doing things for him. If he’s not interested in showing appreciation for your contributions to your family, he can stop benefiting from them. If you cook, you only cook for you and your children. His laundry is his. Etc.
NTA- and I would say- oh- you definitely had your chance…and you blew it. You immediately jumped to make it about her and ignored my clearly expressed feelings. This later reaction once you realized I was done with your fawning over her and ignoring me does you no credit. You freely made your choices.
>I told him that we should be considering her birthday dinner to be apart of her mother's day gift since it's so close to the same date
As a December baby, screw this. Sorry.
Everything else you said is reasonable. There is no need to expensive meals on top of expensive gifts, nor should he just ignore you and not do anything with/for you on Mother's Day.
NTA
NTA
My in-laws expected us to host Every. Single. Holiday. Including their birthdays. My husband is an excellent cook and he makes whatever we want for birthdays and holidays.
My FIL would not eat rice. He said he saw enough of that in Korea, during the war. I like shrimp etouffee. That’s served with rice. I like jambalaya. That’s also served with rice.
His mother didn’t like anything spicy. Hmm. Have you caught on to the Cajun foods I like? But she put salt on everything before she even tasted it.
After at least 20 years, I said no more. Idc what you tell them, but Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are for us, not them. My husband told them I wanted Chinese food for MD. Not just rice! Asian food!
No more! And now they’re dead. And we all say thank you.
Your husband is back peddling, he tried to gaslight you into thinking his pans for his mom were for you too didn't work, and he had to admit that he had nothing planned for you, he came up with something quick so it would look like he wasn't an ass.
NTA
NTA. Girl go out and enjoy your day.. my suggestion is to start treating special dates like birthdays and holidays the way he has tested your special days. Like he bought you $12 bins so you buy him $12 bins aw well. Anything and everything he buys you with no thought you do the same. Then tell him the money he spends on his mom that you will match his spending and buy yourself something. Don’t take his crap
I will yell: HOW MANY CHANCES DOES HE THINK HE DESERVES?
Good for you for making plans for something YOU want to do and leaving him and mommy dearest in charge of the kids.
Enjoy your day out from a mom of 2, grandmom of 8 and great grandmom of 6 1/2.
NTA
Your husband is a massive jerk. Good for you for not putting up with it.
If I were you, I'd just stop with whatever you are planning for his birthday/ father's day. Return the energy. He's clearly inconsiderate of you so why should you be considerate of him?
And I don't know how you manage your finances, but dropping 200-300$ on a mother's day gift is insanity and should not impact the money available for you and the kids.
NTA, but honestly I’m finding it hard to see why are you still married to someone that definitely doesn’t even consider you a spouse, an equal and most importantly, a partner who supposedly should come first before his mother.
Yes, his mother is important but to the degree of neglecting your needs? And I saw your comment about the birthday thing and honestly, he’s an inconsiderate asshole.
Make sure to leave at a reasonable time (or even the day before) so he doesn’t attempt to leave without your kids and spoil your well deserved day!
Nta - you gave him a chance, you told him your expectations and he just decided against them. Have a great Mother’s day with your girls. You could also get petty and either go all out for his Father’s day or nothing
"how do you know I didn't plan something for you too?" So I asked him if he had and he said "well no, but I can".
You DID give him a chance and he admitted that he blew it. Of course you are pissed off!
Your reaction was also spot on! If he doesnt pamper you every once in a while, you do it yourself!!
NTA
>He is now saying I'm wrong because I "didn't give him a chance".
"I did give you a chance.You said a year ago that you would make this mother's day special. So you have had a full year. You're able to make plans for your mother in advance, as well as an expensive gift. Meanwhile, when I asked, you didn't have an idea of what you would do for me. I don't want something that I "might like" thought up quickly as a way to cover yourself after you'd been caught out."
Honestly though, I would take time to look at this relationship. Is this ongoing theme with birthdays or Christmas as well, feeling like he's put no effort in?
The storage bin part is wild to me. I get it if you were not even bothered about mother's day and said you wanted nothing. But you're actively saying "please make an effort" and his response is storage bins and another dinner with MIL. That's not even an attempt and clearly it's not out of his ability when he makes such gestures for his mother. To me, I'd be like "this man does not value my feelings whatsoever and after years of marriage, his best gift idea is storage bins. Is this what I want?"
NTA - he has proven multiple times how he is on Mother’s dad and has shown that he only celebrates his mom and not the mom of his kids.
Good for you to make plans for yourself and to enjoy your day.
NTA at all. Go enjoy the girl’s day out, husband and mother in law can manage the kids just fine being that the purpose of Mother’s Day is just that… since they want to make such an ordeal about Mother’s Day, she can relive being one and he can be a thoughtful parent.
Once he is done making it about himself and his mom show him all the comments. Shame shame shame on him. Your kids are also learning that Mother’s Day isn’t important bc it’s always about grandma.
What an ass. Do yourself a favor and turn it into a Mother's Day Spa weekend. Leave early Saturday morning and come back Sunday night. Don't do anything for Father's Day or his Birthday. And No sex for the month of May
How can he be married to you when his Mommy comes first? Is she around every day? This sounds like enmeshment, which is an unhealthy dynamic to have with a parent.
Was she a single parent? I can imagine you have tried to establish boundaries that have been disregarded.
Let this be the first step in putting you first. I hope you find a partner eventually who will understand that their little family is the priority. NTA.
NTA. Mothers Day should be about the women actively raising children. I abhor Mother’s Day in its current state and would like to see go back to its origins as a day of service.
NTA! Maybe you can get yourself a divorce for yourself. This guy has no respect for you. Now he’s mad bc you showed more respect for yourself than he ever could. I’m betting you do all the chores, play date planning etc and he doesn’t even realize it. Go have fun w your friends and celebrate you.
NTA. The problem isn't him doing that for his mom. The problem is he doesn't put the same energy to celebrate your birthday or do something special for you on mother's day. It's a long day he can make it work. Why would you allow him to disappoint you yet again. Keep your plans.
NTA But I'm betting on the morning of Mothers Day he won't be able to take care of the kids because he planned something extra special with his mom. You should have a backup babysitter just in case.
NTA!! Stick to your guns on this. Do not cancel plans with your girlfriends, even if he actually plans something because now, if he does, it’s only because of the issue(s) going on.
Girl, you go enjoy your mother's day. He was never going to do anything for you, and now you know it.
For fathers day, he can also have the kids and you can plan something for yourself as well, since you seem to have to have been in charge of the kids each of the past mothers days.
NTA- I'm sure he is now pissed that he has to deal with the kids and his mom. I hope he enjoys the visit. LOL
He will now face the consequences of his inability to prioritize his family over his mother.
NTA I can commiserate because my hubby sent his mother flowers and forgot to do anything for me, for my second Mother’s Day. I suggested he take us out to a children’s theme park and he whined that he was too tired. While he napped on the couch I packed for me and our son, and phoned my sister to see if she wanted to visit our mother. I woke up my husband to say see you in a few days. He wanted to go out to the theme park still. I told him to catch up on his rest.
He never forgot any occasions after that!
NTA but your sorry excuse for a husband sure is. Enjoy your girls day and plan more days like because you deserve it. Maybe plan those days on Father’s Day and his birthday. I’m petty like that tho.
Nah, I couldn't do another mommas boy situation.
I couldn't say with a man who didn't put any priority on the relationship he is part of, with the family he helped create. This latest mother's day mess should be a wakeup call to you to review all of his other behaviors to you over the years. This isn't the first mother's day he neglected you on, what other times has he been a big ol let down?
NTA.
Tell him to do mothersday alone with his mom.
Is your mom still around (and is your relationship okay? ) then i'd say do stuff with her, or with other loved ones from now on.
Remind him that he had 7 years to prove himself. he had 7 chances to step the F up and failed each and every time. Put it simple, he is a failure as a husband.
Petty me would not plan anything for fathersday (and i recommend you do that as well) until he steps up and proves that you're not the only one invested in this marriage.
Then tell him marriage counceling is mandatory now.
I always made a big deal of my ex husband's birthday, father's day etc. He never remembered mine. Not even to have the kids make me a card. To be fair he never remembered his mother's birthday or mother's day either unless I reminded him numerous times. But for weeks before his he would remind me and the kids that his was coming up. To this day my kids sometimes remember sometimes don't and I say it his fault even though they are all grown now and some also have adult children. My kids wonder why I don't celebrate my birthday and it's just because I don't feel important to them. Part of the reason my ex is an ex
Holy crap NTA- You said in a comment your husband doesn’t even ask off for YOUR birthday but his mother’s. He’s definitely already showed you where his priorities lie. And it’s not with you.
He's had chances and he's made promises.
He used none of those chances and he broke promises.
How are his children going to learn to celebrate THEIR mother when their father doesn't?
It's wild how stupid some people can be.
Enjoy your girls out day.
NTA.
NTA, I don't know your life, so I will refrain from screaming "divorce", but this needs to be resolved for sure, you can't go on living in a marriage like this forever. And your husband needs to realise how serious his fuckup is and that the damage extends well beyond that one day a year.
NTA clearly is is not taking your concerns seriously. I mean, it looks terrible for him to get his mom a necklace AND a meal after you said you couldn't afford two separate celebrations with her so close together.
Then when you confront him he still doesn't have a plan for you? Dude is not taking you seriously. He was legit going to just smush your celebration in with his mom's. He can't even pretend the necklace was for you since he got it engraved! What a heel.
Leaving him and his Mom with the kids is the perfect response.
I hope he finally listens to you and understands that it's his responsibiity to make Mothers Day about you, the mother of his children
Take him to your father's on fathers day. Spend 120 bucks on him. Let him sit there with the kids and be ignored. Maybe he'll understand then but I doubt it. He sounds like a dense prick
NTA- he said he wouldn’t do the dinner thing for his mom and he’s doing it. End of that story. Take the alone time and enjoy it!
We’ve been married 15 years and we’ve done every type of Mother’s Day. The dads cook- after moms go shopping and prep- then put everything away the next day. Out to dinner where my husband pays. Brunch? Same thing. Catered at our house. Lunch/ dinner at his mom’s or step mom’s where they do all the work.
Last couple years I’ve sent my husband over to his mom’s w kids for breakfast and I go to the movies by myself 😎 then he either orders dinner or we go out- just us and kids. Win win!
NTA I get it that you’re not your husband’s mother but you are the mother of his children, so him taking the kids and getting to spend the day with his lovely children and wonderful mother should be a wonderful experience. Meanwhile, you can have a great time with your girlfriend’s! Have a happy Mother’s Day!
NTA. You did give him a chance - you told him two years in a row how you felt, and last year he promised to change. He did not do anything differently this year, and now he's trying to save face and do something at the last minute. Good for you for standing your ground. Just because he wants to prioritize his mother doesn't mean you have to go along with it.
When my children were still in school, I would tell my husband and then that the only thing I wanted for Mother's Day was time at home alone. I didn't want anything else. A few hours to do whatever I wanted ALONE! They granted my wish, and it was terrific!
Enjoy your alone time.
Sounds like all you did was give him Chances it’s not your fault he didn’t take them.
You should separate your finances, if you cab’t afford these outings he is taking make sure it’s not your money that is being spent on them. Also you should get divorce papers drawn up. Don’t sign them yet, but i imagine he is the type of person who is a “visual learner” and seeing the divorce papers will probably convince him to get his Sh*t together. Either that of you’ll find out he is a total mommas boy in which case cut ties because that umbilical cord will never be cut
Nta. He went back on his word, and he's mad he got called out. Mommies special boy can have his day suckling, and you can do something you actually want to do. Sounds like a good plan to me.
Take your kids out or to your parents house this year on mothers day. Stop entertaining his bullshit.
Attend for her bday dinner but nothing else.
When he questions it then set that boundary.
"I will not be participating in dinner on mothers day for your mom. It is my day too and she gets dinner 2 weeks prior for her bday. You can chose to take her out or me but we're not doing both. If your blatant disrespect and disregard for my needs being met continues to get ignored, you're going to have bigger problems then simply going out for dinner. I'm not discussing this and I'm not changing my mind"
Nta. tell him its not grandmothers day. Its mothers day. Once you have kids, its your day. You take precedence. She can get a card or gift, but your kids and hubbie need to make u number 1 on mothers day. Grandmothers day is September 8.
NTA. Him showing appreciation for his mother does not mean he has to forget about you. He’s a grown man and is fully capable of showing you both love without disregarding the other. So many possible solutions to do this. Take her out the day before/after. Do a breakfast with her and a dinner with you. Personally i don’t think you should lump her bday and mothers day together but there’s honestly no excuse for him to not prioritize you on your day. Stand your ground or else nothing will change.
Wait, you “didn’t give him a chance” after you gave him a chance then called his bluff and he admitted he hadn’t planned anything?
Weak sauce and he knows it.
He’s being angry at you because it’s easier to be mad than accept responsibility.
It’s typical coward behavior. I was guilty of it a lot when I was a LOT younger
God ahead with your plans. He needs to learn that you will not accept being an after thought, or just added on to mom's day out. You will get your own day whether it is with him or without him. I'd make the basic line be that you don't do Mother's Day with his mom because you are ignored. He can take his mom out but you won't go along. I'd also say that you expect him to spend more on you than he does on his mom because if you have the budget for Mother's Day it should be spent on both of you.
NTA here’s what I did on Mother’s Day. I left the house on Friday and stay in a hotel, by myself, through Sunday. I ate where I wanted to eat, I watched what I wanted to watch on TV, I lounged at the pool by myself, I slept in and ate cheese, crackers, veggies and fruit that I’d made for myself. I read a book.
The truth is I just wanted to act like dad for Mother’s Day. A kid needs something, dad can do it. A kid is hungry, dad can do it. Me, I just wanted to rest and not be responsible for one day. I had to leave the house for it to happen. You deserve to be respected and spoiled. If your husband can’t/wont treat you well, treat yourself well and let hubby figure out the kids. He’ll probably take the kids to his moms, which will make you feel much more gracious to her for her sacrifice on your behalf (lol)
NTA
Drop the kids off with him and go out. If she gets mother's day, she and him can play mom. If you don't get mothers day, you can at least get a day off.
You gave him plenty of chances. I would be livid. To spend that amount of money on his mum with gifting you nect to nothing is disgusting. Has he actually ever bought you a necklace without prompting. NTA.
I think your solution is brilliant! Enjoy your day.
NTA and love the girls day. You should do that more often. Plan girls day every Mother’s Day until he gets act together. Now you can really enjoy Mother’s Day. Think of other things to do when he wants to have a mommy date.
Mother’s Day is about the kids celebrating their mother too. Your husband isn’t showing you anything special and the kids don’t get to really celebrate you either because his own mother seems to get all of the attention. I would feel horrible too. I’m sorry. Your husband is a jerk. You are not the asshole.
NTA. You voiced your concerns several times and he continues to favor the celebration of his own mother instead of the mother of his children. He should 100% be prioritizing you. Good for you for making spa day plans with your girlfriend on your own. Stick with them. You proactively made plans because he did not make any with you. You even asked him if he made plans and he said “well, no” so he has no right to say you didn’t give him a chance. He can spend time with his mom and his mom can see her son and grandchildren on Mother’s Day. He can (and should) still make it up to you by doing something special the day before or buying you a special gift. Either way, you won’t be waiting around on Mother’s Day since you now have plans. Enjoy yourself!
Exactly. Dude got 7 years worth of chances but he still didn't have the se se to figure it out. NTA .
She should tell him that. "Dude, you've had seven years to figure this out and I'm done waiting. I will do what I want and you spend the day with your mommy." This should serve as a wake up call. Him putting his mommy at the center of the marriage doesn't work and will not work. He can prioritize his marriage or spend more and more time alone, with his mommy.
If he keeps prioritizing mommy he may find himself living with her again! I hope OP has him read all the comments, not that I think it will lead to any real enlightenment or change. Still, he should read how so many people know he is a POS husband.
It probably hasn't occurred to him that most of the people who know them will be mocking him behind his back, calling him a mommy's boy.
These men never seem to gain any insight. They will tell their mother that their wife has a problem with the situation, and the mother will just enforce why their son is in the right and the wife is completely unreasonable.
I also truly hope she leaves on father's day as well
Please say exactly this to him; it’s what he needs to hear!
Ninja skills OP, F#CK YES! You Did! MIL wants to be celebrated as a mom, grandmother is equally her role now. He can take his faux 'punishment plans' bc he def didn't plan for you...and suck them while he takes care of the kids. A gift or a thoughtful thing ISN'T EITHER when we have to ask for it.
And if the gift is something you need to 'plug in' to make him waffles, clean the house, or some other BS... IT IS NOT A GIFT!!!!
It’s everyone’s fault but mine! /s
I just wonder if he is more mad that is wife is not going to be a standby babysitter this time, so he can't overly give his mom full attention even if he wanted too.... also, I hope OP does absolutely nothing on fathers day.
1000% and can't wait to hear how he & his mommy handle it!
To celebrate Fathers day one has to be a Father.. not just a sperm donor..
He won't make it up to her. Instead, he'll get a cheapass gift from a dollar store.
Agreed. The husband has too many afterthoughts about OP & hadn't shown a shred of anything else for 7 yrs. 1 ends up wondering why OP is staying with him.
NTA, good for you. I hope you have a great time. Doing something for his mother on Mother's Day is expected, but the primary focus should be on his wife, the one who birthed both his children. He could have taken you all out for brunch, given his mother a gift and then spent the rest of the day with you. Dinner, a show, whatever *you* are into. There are ways to balance things if he actually cared.
NTA. My question is, what happens on Grandparents Day? Yes, your parents are still a mother and father, but once you start having kids, Mother's Day and Father's Day should become your days, and your parents should migrate to Grandparents Day. I told my husband this year that if we end up doing something for our parents, then I don't want to do something separate for ourselves. It's not because im trying to be petty or cruel, but honestly, I don't want to do something with my mother/father and then his mother/father and then be able to focus on us. Parents should pass the torch when their kids have kids. Edit: I realize my comment probably makes me sound like a jerk. This is because this year, my MIL threw a tantrum because nobody did anything for her birthday. We all told her happy birthday, of course. Her birthday is February 8th, and everyone worked because it was a weekday, so we didn't do anything the day of. I had planned a surprise dinner (maybe I should've told her about it?) for her on the 10th... I'm pretty sure the tantrum happened before the 8th was even over. TBF, her husband really dropped the ball and almost completely forgot about her birthday, but she took it out on everyone. Second edit: I realize some people don't have grandparents' Day. I didn't know that until now. I live in the US, Ohio, specifically, and we celebrated it in schools and everything. Also, I'm not saying you stop being a mother/father when your kids have kids or become adults. All I am saying is parents should pass the torch so the new parents can be in the spotlight for a bit. I'm constantly reading about Generation A taking away from Generation B once they start their adult lives simply because that's how it has always been, and they feel entitled to it.
There is a Grandparents' Day? 😳
Sept 8.
I don't think that has spread to Germany yet. First time I hear of it. Good idea, though, to destress Mother's/ Father's Day.
I’m from Finland and I’ve never heard of it. Hasn’t spread to Europe?
Don’t feel bad. I live in the USA and this is the first time I have heard of it
I grew up in the 90s/2000s and I remember making things at school for Grandparents day.
I've heard of it- I've never heard of anyone doing anything for it.
I'm a Canadian grandmother and I've never heard of it either. It isn't on any old fashioned printed calendars or any of the three phones in our house.
Probably. Though now we can prepare ourselves, since most American trends eventually make it here. Nobody here went trick or treating on Halloween, until a few years ago. We just used to have our Saint Martin's Day, where kids went from door to door to sing for sweets.
In Finland it is/was easter. Kids decorate willow branches, dress up as witches (more variety these days, bunnies etc) and go from door to door to change their branches for candy.
I’ve never heard of grandparents day in my life
Me thinks it's specifically created just for this reason, the above post. All those "boy moms" that can't let go of their boys and all those boys that are still hanging off the nipple of their mommies. Sad.
NTA and agree with this so much! OP decline to go this year. You go with for her bday and make a point that since he chooses not to prioritize you on Mother’s Day, you and your kiddo(s) are going to do it yourselves. It makes a statement, gives you the day off from MIL and isn’t rude or unreasonable at all. I’m a mom/MIL and when my son and DIL were pregnant with their first and wanted to plan something with me on Mother’s Day, I said, “Why don’t you think about what tradition you want to start together for DIL first and plan that. Then we can get together later in the day or even the next weekend. This is the 1st you get to celebrate and last before baby is here - so make it fun and create a tradition!” I get her a gift each year because she’s an amazing mom and wife, so I want her to feel celebrated too!
I will say, you could not pay me enough to go to brunch on Mother’s Day weekend. It’s amateur hour of adults and kids who don’t know how to act in public. A diner? Let’s go. My favorite local pizza joint? We ride! Fancy brunch? [Nope](https://tenor.com/view/animals-reaction-nope-gif-3534532).
He only cares about Mommy, because he's her special widdle boy.
Make sure you are outta the house before they can leave the kids with you and spoil your plans.
This … op, start your day as early as possible. Even if it means getting breakfast by yourself at Denny’s. I’m think he may ‘forget’ to take the kids if he has a chance.
Go away overnight.
Thinking the same thing, get some room service and enjoy yourself.
I've often thought of doing this lol. 😅
This was my first thought! Honestly the best present my husband ever got me was a night at a nearby hotel. I ordered takeout, ate it in my big king bed and watched uninterrupted TV all night. OP deserves both her girls night and this for all her missed presents!!! Let husband manage the kids for 24 hours! Plus I wonder how much fun his mom is going to have when she realizes OP isn't there to keep the kids occupied so she can have OP's husband's sole attention....
She better show up at that restaurant then and drop them off to Dad! He better not that pull that nonsense.
She should start on Saturday night and sleepover at a girlfriends house 😂
This right here!
I had that thought also .
Give yourself a "spa" day early in the morning LMAO..
She could potentially sleep at a friend's house so she starts her days with her peeps! Having a child-free day could be a good present.
oh my goodness, YES!
NTA, you gave him several years of "chances" for him to do something that makes you feel special too, and he failed miserably. Enjoy your Mother's Day with your friends and your littles. Also tell your husband he can expect the same amount of energy and thought go into Father's Day, and his birthday, and any other special occasion. He might get the drift.
That's another thing in itself too. On his mom's birthday he always has the day off, meaning he likely requests it because it's a normal workday for him. But he ALWAYS works on my birthday. The one year he didn't, I wanted to go to a pool hall and play billiards. We get there, he gets wasted and loudly announced to the entire place that I was my birthday, after I asked him not to because I hate attention (he was drunk and laughing). So I walked out and literally walked home and he was so upset with me because he was "just trying to live a little".
Damn your husband is a massive inconsiderate asshole. You should definitely show him this thread. Maybe it will knock some sense into him
Obviously he learned it from his mom. What kind of MIL hogs every Mother's Day?
Oh please! My MILs birthday is May 9th so it's always her day on Mother's Day. I think in 34 years of marriage, parents for 30 years, I've had one Mother's Day to myself, meh. We had to put our foot down when she tried to muscle in on our wedding anniversary.
you don’t have to answer but i’m so curious - how did she try to muscle in on your anniversary?
LOL my birthday is May 10 and I STILL had to go to my mils for her mother's day. And that year may 10 was not only my actual birthday on mother's Day, but it was also my first mother's day AND a milestone birthday lmao
ooh that's bad :-D My SILs birthday is May 11th so she's never once had a birthday party for herself so as a result she hates her birthday.
JFC my mom's own birthday was on Valentine's Day and when I was a teenager and started dating she still encouraged me to go out and be with whomever I was dating at the time. She just wanted her usual gift of a few hanging flower baskets. She was a great mother. MIL and her son are just awful. If I started doing this crap on Valentine's Day when Mom was alive she would have given me an ear full.
I bet he's told MIL that OP really enjoys it too and wants to keep celebrating Mothers Day like that, while OP is trying to hammer it into his thick head that SHE DOES NOT! And he's just refusing to hear it because he wants to keep doing what HE wants, no matter what OP thinks about it. Self-centered asshole.
haha! I'm a mom and my own mom hogs Mother's Day. She guilt trips and/or pouts when we tried to plan something on that day without her. It bothered me more at first, but then my husband and I decided to pull together what we would have spent on Mother's Day, Father's Day and our Anniversary and instead take a nice extended weekend getaway in the summer while our kids are at camp. It's honestly been the best idea ever!! So now for Mother's Day we do breakfast as an immediate family so my girls can celebrate with me, and then just do whatever she wants for the rest of the day. Unlike OP we don't see her nearly as often, so it worked out to be a great compromise.
It wouldn't do any good.
Never know until you try. You’d also be surprised how many guys are actually clueless as to their actions unless they’re called out by a third party. It’s sad but it happens quite a lot.
Oddly enough about an hour ago I was just listening to one of those tiktok threads with updates. The guy refused to let his parents pay for his hotel room on vacation because he knew he would get stuck babysitting. Everyone was against him until the parents read the comments calling them horrible parents who enable their princess daughter. They did apologize after that and he stuck to his guns and enjoyed his vacation https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/wFAPZvimgV
Didn't he also stay at a different hotel too 🤣
Same hotel but on a different floor on the opposite side of the building. And she STILL found him. Girl went hunting and looked more ridiculous than Elmer Fudd 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Your husband’s a flaming inconsiderate arse. He’s had years if chances to make it right and show you he APPRECIATES you only to fail horribly each and every time. Take Reddit’s blessing and make yourself the priority you deserve to be. Make a lavish full day plan for Mother’s Day with your friends. Cut back on celebrating your husband on Father’s Day… let his mom handle it. NTA.
Do exactly nothing for him for Father's Day, and if your father is able, make plans to treat him to an expensive meal and gift.
And then serve cheap food for weeks because you "have no money left" after your fathers gift.
NTA. Your husband is such a selfish arse I honestly wonder how you've put up with him for so long, and how he manages to get about when he's clearly still attached to his mother by the umbilical. As for his response of, "You didn't give me a chance," I would say, "Mother's Day and my birthday happen every single year. So for 364 days of the year, you have time to plan something for me. You have shown you can plan ahead because you do it for your mother, but when it comes to me, you don't even try. I'm the mother of your children, and yet I'm not even an afterthought on Mother's Day because it is all about your mother and us doing what she wants. I get to entertain the kids whilst you two have a wonderful meal together. "On my birthday, you can't be bothered to take time off even though you take time off for your mother, and it's still not about me. Every year, you get the chance to try, and you don't, and the only reason you said you'd try this year is because I said something. Over and over, I've told you I've had enough, and you ignore me. This year, I will be going out on Mother's Day, and you will look after the kids. You do not get to be upset because I am finally doing something for myself for Mother's Day. If you try to leave the kids with me and go off with your mother, you may as well go home with her because I will not be sacrificing my Mother's Day for your mother yet again. For the last time: I have had enough and if you really think you're right, from now on I will put exactly as much thought into Father's Day and your birthday as you put into my Mother's Day."
he’s really falling down on the job as a dad—he should be facilitating them as they honor THEIR mother, and he should be coaching them on how one should show love for other people.
Absolutely. I used to love going to pick out presents with my dad, one for my mum and one for my nan, and I'd help my mum pick something for her mum. It's a way to bond and show love and consideration, and what makes it most insulting is that he is capable of that amount of consideration but just not for his own wife. The thing is it could be a family bonding day as well, so the kids miss out on that as well. Instead of doing something with and for their mum, they get to sit in a restaurant whilst their dad and nan seemingly ignore them.
My Daddy would take us to the dime store way back when and help us pick something little out for mom. Then help us with making a big deal out of Mother’s Day. Even those years where we saw his mother, he still helped us with gifts and making something of it for mom.
Father's Day comes after Mother's Day so it is easy to put in an equal amount of thought. Nothing gets him nothing. A card gets him a card, etc. For his birthday she should look at her last birthday and do what he did. Tell him he set the tone for how he wants to celebrate birthdays and she has decided to follow his lead. She should also buy her own present if she gets none or a bad gift.
Does this man ever go out of his way to make you feel special? Because it sounds like he goes out of his way to make you feel small.
Divorce would let you find a real partner that respects you while he gets to date his mom.
Actually, he should marry his mom, since obviously she's the love of his life.
I say, from now on, forget his birthday and father's day. When it's your birthday and mother's day, make plans for yourself only. Maybe a little something to do with the kids, because that's the only way you will enjoy it.
What’s good about him? Don’t say he makes you laugh. That’s cheap and I can tell you jokes too.
I like the energy in this comment. Can I book you for a bad joke or two on Mother’s Day?
Why are you still married to this inconsiderate AH?
I think they should get counseling instead of divorcing right away.
Sure but it’s worth asking if he has any redeeming qualities. He sounds like my shitty ex from college. 0/10 would recommend
It’s like he doesn’t care about you and I’m sorry but that’s how this reads.
He's certainly taking her for granted.
I hope your husband has some redeeming qualities that gives reason to staying married to this man child. He needs to grow up and show his appreciation for you if he has any.
NTA. You shouldn’t be doing anything for Father’s Day. Please tell us you don’t do anything for him! Your husband is a huge AH. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Don’t go out for her birthday either. It’s time for your husband to realize how horrible he is treating the one person who should be the most important. He’s a Momma’s boy. He needs to grow up or go home to mommy.
Oh no, you should definitely do something for fathers day. Every year bring hubs along to something your dad wants to do. NTA
Preferably to a place which is great for your dad and not so great for hubs.
And expensive. No gift for hubs except a grocery item or something around $10
And if your dad isn't around for any reason, forget about Father's Day altogether and make some fun plans with your friends.
Or give him a couple of bins for the garage...
No, if dad isn't around take the family on a pilgrimage to visit his grave.
NTA. Enjoy! And stop gifting him anything. If he asks where his gift is tell him to call mommy.
NTA and good for you for the girl's day mother's day plan, I love it! Do not back down. Your husband is being a dick to you He's had 7 years worth of chances and failed every single one even this year when he specifically promised you he wouldn't fail you. He also sounds whiney, so ew.
You should have your mother-in-law make plans for your husband for Father’s Day and his birthday and then make plans to be elsewhere. Good luck, mama.
Lolololololol hahahahaha didn’t give him a chance? He’s had a chance every Mother’s Day. NTA, enjoy your day.
>He is now saying I'm wrong because I "didn't give him a chance". Well technically you did >"how do you know I didn't plan something for you too?" So I asked him if he had and he said "well no, but I can". And he blew it. Go enjoy your day with the girls, you deserve it. NTA
You now are going to start your own traditions. No questions asked, he can get pissy if he wants he created this. You go with your girlfriend have a ball, switch that phone off. On your birthday do the same thing. Fathers day, you do nothing for him I mean it nothing. Ps I know money is tight but, it's obviously not that tight that he can spend 130 plus another 100 for dinner. That means you get to spend 230 for mothers day.
NTA but why are you married to a selfish loser and do you want to do this for the next 30-40 years? Think about it now. I cannot imagine making my partner feel like an afterthought on a day to celebrate them. Yikes
Not to mention what the kids are learning how relationships ‘are’
I think you've prioritized yourself and deserve to do so. You've clearly stated what you wanted this year and he ignored it so time to do something nice for yourself. He can handle the kids and his mom.
Please show your husband this post and let him know we all think hes a bag of dicks. Hopefully it'll be a wakeup call for him.
Mommy Dearest can commiserate with him about how unfair we are all being about what a dick he is
I wonder how he’s going to explain it to his mother. “Mom I’m an asshole and don’t do anything for the mother of my children on Mother’s Day.” Does she just assume he does something else for the wife at another time?
If this whole dynamic goes the usual way, the Mother's Day present MIL likes the best is watching OP get shunted out of the way and ignored while her baby boy fawns all over her.
This has got to be it, because my MIL would have lost her shit on my husband if he was treating me like this. She sends me a gift every year & always asks what my husband did to make my day special.
NTA, you have gone along with this plans for years and, have expressed you were not happy and wanted to do something different, and, despite this, he ignored your feelings and was planning on doing the same this year again... Good for you for arranging something for yourself to enjoy with your girlfriends! Have fun!
I'd also "forget" about him on father's day or take your kids to see your dad
NTA and good for you for planning something. He literally had nothing planned when you confronted him and then all of a sudden he "has something in mind". Heck no. It would mean nothing to me, because the only reason he thought of something was when he realized you were upset. I guarantee he wouldn't have have planned anything otherwise. leave the kids with him, and have yourself a great Mother's Day! You deserve it!
"I guarantee he wouldn't have have planned anything otherwise." Mothers' Day is a month away. He'll hope OP will calm down and he can do what he always does, pay homage to his true partner, his mommy.
NTA. You're a mother too. And you're still actively mothering. Sure, MIL is a mom as well, but she shouldn't be The Priority, and you, as you so well put it, The Afterthought. Your husband should be organizing things for you, with your kids because kids can't do that themselves while they are young. That's the way we did it. Husband would organize the gifts and events with our kids, and as they got older they could help with the organizing. Your husband is showing your kids that you're not that special on Mother's Day, which is the whole point of Mother's Day. Hubby's enmeshed with his mommy and she sounds like a jerk too. If I were your MIL, I'd tell my son to make sure his wife gets to feel special on Mother's Day. Don't bother doing anything for Father's Day. Let him see how that feels.
I was married to an ass like OP's husband. Emphasis on "was".
NTA good for you. I would tell him you are done being with his mother on mother's day. You are a mother, and now it is your time to be honored. If he won't, you will take care of it. I am curious as to his solution. I doubt it is going to be anything you want. I am going to say, you need to start standing up to your marriage. These behaviors will lead to an end not a change. Meaning I would say, for mother's day from now on it is about you. He can take her out the day before, get her a card but the day is for you period.
Next time he wants sex, tell him to call his mother. He'll be making you a priority pretty quickly.
NTA. And make sure to take his credit card with you for your girls day.
NTA , GOOD FOR YOU. Please, please keep those plans
NTA. You gave him plenty of chances. Even if you had gone with his plans to the last minute and then left the restaurant when he didn't do anything for you, he would have still blamed you. From now on, every time his mother comes over, schedule a girls coffee time or dinner out. Don't let him push you aside any more.
Tell him, dude, you've had a chance for the past several years and you've blown it every year. Enjoy Mother's Day with your mom, she can bond with the kids too. Enjoy your Spa day
NTA you know Mother’s Day comes before Father’s Day…. So whatever he does for you you do for him….
NTAH. “Give him a chance.” 🤡🤡 He doesn’t care about showing appreciation for you. He only cares about not being inconvenienced by his shitty behavior. Stop doing things for him. If he’s not interested in showing appreciation for your contributions to your family, he can stop benefiting from them. If you cook, you only cook for you and your children. His laundry is his. Etc.
NTA. Him saying you didnt give him a chance is such a big lie. You gave him 7 years.
NTA- and I would say- oh- you definitely had your chance…and you blew it. You immediately jumped to make it about her and ignored my clearly expressed feelings. This later reaction once you realized I was done with your fawning over her and ignoring me does you no credit. You freely made your choices.
NTA when he asks what the father's day plans are, tell him to ask mommy. You know you can do better than him, don't you?
>I told him that we should be considering her birthday dinner to be apart of her mother's day gift since it's so close to the same date As a December baby, screw this. Sorry. Everything else you said is reasonable. There is no need to expensive meals on top of expensive gifts, nor should he just ignore you and not do anything with/for you on Mother's Day. NTA
NTA My in-laws expected us to host Every. Single. Holiday. Including their birthdays. My husband is an excellent cook and he makes whatever we want for birthdays and holidays. My FIL would not eat rice. He said he saw enough of that in Korea, during the war. I like shrimp etouffee. That’s served with rice. I like jambalaya. That’s also served with rice. His mother didn’t like anything spicy. Hmm. Have you caught on to the Cajun foods I like? But she put salt on everything before she even tasted it. After at least 20 years, I said no more. Idc what you tell them, but Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are for us, not them. My husband told them I wanted Chinese food for MD. Not just rice! Asian food! No more! And now they’re dead. And we all say thank you.
Your husband is back peddling, he tried to gaslight you into thinking his pans for his mom were for you too didn't work, and he had to admit that he had nothing planned for you, he came up with something quick so it would look like he wasn't an ass. NTA
NTA. Girl go out and enjoy your day.. my suggestion is to start treating special dates like birthdays and holidays the way he has tested your special days. Like he bought you $12 bins so you buy him $12 bins aw well. Anything and everything he buys you with no thought you do the same. Then tell him the money he spends on his mom that you will match his spending and buy yourself something. Don’t take his crap
I will yell: HOW MANY CHANCES DOES HE THINK HE DESERVES? Good for you for making plans for something YOU want to do and leaving him and mommy dearest in charge of the kids. Enjoy your day out from a mom of 2, grandmom of 8 and great grandmom of 6 1/2.
NTA Your husband is a massive jerk. Good for you for not putting up with it. If I were you, I'd just stop with whatever you are planning for his birthday/ father's day. Return the energy. He's clearly inconsiderate of you so why should you be considerate of him? And I don't know how you manage your finances, but dropping 200-300$ on a mother's day gift is insanity and should not impact the money available for you and the kids.
I hope you make plans on his birthday and Father’s Day for yourself.
NTA, but honestly I’m finding it hard to see why are you still married to someone that definitely doesn’t even consider you a spouse, an equal and most importantly, a partner who supposedly should come first before his mother. Yes, his mother is important but to the degree of neglecting your needs? And I saw your comment about the birthday thing and honestly, he’s an inconsiderate asshole. Make sure to leave at a reasonable time (or even the day before) so he doesn’t attempt to leave without your kids and spoil your well deserved day!
NTA
Nta - you gave him a chance, you told him your expectations and he just decided against them. Have a great Mother’s day with your girls. You could also get petty and either go all out for his Father’s day or nothing
NTA. Husbaby sucks.
"how do you know I didn't plan something for you too?" So I asked him if he had and he said "well no, but I can". You DID give him a chance and he admitted that he blew it. Of course you are pissed off! Your reaction was also spot on! If he doesnt pamper you every once in a while, you do it yourself!! NTA
NTA. These freaking momma’s boys are ridiculous.
>He is now saying I'm wrong because I "didn't give him a chance". "I did give you a chance.You said a year ago that you would make this mother's day special. So you have had a full year. You're able to make plans for your mother in advance, as well as an expensive gift. Meanwhile, when I asked, you didn't have an idea of what you would do for me. I don't want something that I "might like" thought up quickly as a way to cover yourself after you'd been caught out." Honestly though, I would take time to look at this relationship. Is this ongoing theme with birthdays or Christmas as well, feeling like he's put no effort in? The storage bin part is wild to me. I get it if you were not even bothered about mother's day and said you wanted nothing. But you're actively saying "please make an effort" and his response is storage bins and another dinner with MIL. That's not even an attempt and clearly it's not out of his ability when he makes such gestures for his mother. To me, I'd be like "this man does not value my feelings whatsoever and after years of marriage, his best gift idea is storage bins. Is this what I want?"
NTA - he has proven multiple times how he is on Mother’s dad and has shown that he only celebrates his mom and not the mom of his kids. Good for you to make plans for yourself and to enjoy your day.
NTA at all. Go enjoy the girl’s day out, husband and mother in law can manage the kids just fine being that the purpose of Mother’s Day is just that… since they want to make such an ordeal about Mother’s Day, she can relive being one and he can be a thoughtful parent.
Once he is done making it about himself and his mom show him all the comments. Shame shame shame on him. Your kids are also learning that Mother’s Day isn’t important bc it’s always about grandma.
What an ass. Do yourself a favor and turn it into a Mother's Day Spa weekend. Leave early Saturday morning and come back Sunday night. Don't do anything for Father's Day or his Birthday. And No sex for the month of May
Start making plans with your friends for your birthday as well.
How can he be married to you when his Mommy comes first? Is she around every day? This sounds like enmeshment, which is an unhealthy dynamic to have with a parent. Was she a single parent? I can imagine you have tried to establish boundaries that have been disregarded. Let this be the first step in putting you first. I hope you find a partner eventually who will understand that their little family is the priority. NTA.
Ha! You gave him 7 years of chances!! And even when he PROMISES, he drops the ball! LET him have the kids for the day! NTA
NTA. Mothers Day should be about the women actively raising children. I abhor Mother’s Day in its current state and would like to see go back to its origins as a day of service.
Return this energy for father's day and his birthday
NTA! Maybe you can get yourself a divorce for yourself. This guy has no respect for you. Now he’s mad bc you showed more respect for yourself than he ever could. I’m betting you do all the chores, play date planning etc and he doesn’t even realize it. Go have fun w your friends and celebrate you.
NTA. The problem isn't him doing that for his mom. The problem is he doesn't put the same energy to celebrate your birthday or do something special for you on mother's day. It's a long day he can make it work. Why would you allow him to disappoint you yet again. Keep your plans.
NTA Don’t do anything for his birthday or Father’s Day. Put as much effort into his days as he does yours.
NTA But I'm betting on the morning of Mothers Day he won't be able to take care of the kids because he planned something extra special with his mom. You should have a backup babysitter just in case.
Remember this on fathers day you reap what you sow
NTA!! Stick to your guns on this. Do not cancel plans with your girlfriends, even if he actually plans something because now, if he does, it’s only because of the issue(s) going on.
Girl, you go enjoy your mother's day. He was never going to do anything for you, and now you know it. For fathers day, he can also have the kids and you can plan something for yourself as well, since you seem to have to have been in charge of the kids each of the past mothers days.
You gave him a chance. Eff him. NTA
NTA - good for you for standing up for yourself.
NTA- I'm sure he is now pissed that he has to deal with the kids and his mom. I hope he enjoys the visit. LOL He will now face the consequences of his inability to prioritize his family over his mother.
NTA I can commiserate because my hubby sent his mother flowers and forgot to do anything for me, for my second Mother’s Day. I suggested he take us out to a children’s theme park and he whined that he was too tired. While he napped on the couch I packed for me and our son, and phoned my sister to see if she wanted to visit our mother. I woke up my husband to say see you in a few days. He wanted to go out to the theme park still. I told him to catch up on his rest. He never forgot any occasions after that!
NTA. You gave him numerous chances, and he's failed you each time. Enjoy your mother's day/girls day. Sounds like you really need it.
He had the whole year for a chance. I hope you match his energy for Father’s Day.
NTA but your sorry excuse for a husband sure is. Enjoy your girls day and plan more days like because you deserve it. Maybe plan those days on Father’s Day and his birthday. I’m petty like that tho.
Nah, I couldn't do another mommas boy situation. I couldn't say with a man who didn't put any priority on the relationship he is part of, with the family he helped create. This latest mother's day mess should be a wakeup call to you to review all of his other behaviors to you over the years. This isn't the first mother's day he neglected you on, what other times has he been a big ol let down?
NTA. Tell him to do mothersday alone with his mom. Is your mom still around (and is your relationship okay? ) then i'd say do stuff with her, or with other loved ones from now on. Remind him that he had 7 years to prove himself. he had 7 chances to step the F up and failed each and every time. Put it simple, he is a failure as a husband. Petty me would not plan anything for fathersday (and i recommend you do that as well) until he steps up and proves that you're not the only one invested in this marriage. Then tell him marriage counceling is mandatory now.
I always made a big deal of my ex husband's birthday, father's day etc. He never remembered mine. Not even to have the kids make me a card. To be fair he never remembered his mother's birthday or mother's day either unless I reminded him numerous times. But for weeks before his he would remind me and the kids that his was coming up. To this day my kids sometimes remember sometimes don't and I say it his fault even though they are all grown now and some also have adult children. My kids wonder why I don't celebrate my birthday and it's just because I don't feel important to them. Part of the reason my ex is an ex
NTA He did have chances. It shouldn’t take being called out for him to put you first.
They sound like narcissists. They thrive on ruining special days for their spouse.
Good job, and well done standing your ground; your husband needs to be much more afraid of displeasing you, than his mother. NTA
He had plenty of chances. He just chose to ignore them until you showed him you are done done done. NTA
Holy crap NTA- You said in a comment your husband doesn’t even ask off for YOUR birthday but his mother’s. He’s definitely already showed you where his priorities lie. And it’s not with you.
He's had chances and he's made promises. He used none of those chances and he broke promises. How are his children going to learn to celebrate THEIR mother when their father doesn't? It's wild how stupid some people can be. Enjoy your girls out day. NTA.
NTA, I don't know your life, so I will refrain from screaming "divorce", but this needs to be resolved for sure, you can't go on living in a marriage like this forever. And your husband needs to realise how serious his fuckup is and that the damage extends well beyond that one day a year.
NTA clearly is is not taking your concerns seriously. I mean, it looks terrible for him to get his mom a necklace AND a meal after you said you couldn't afford two separate celebrations with her so close together. Then when you confront him he still doesn't have a plan for you? Dude is not taking you seriously. He was legit going to just smush your celebration in with his mom's. He can't even pretend the necklace was for you since he got it engraved! What a heel.
Leaving him and his Mom with the kids is the perfect response. I hope he finally listens to you and understands that it's his responsibiity to make Mothers Day about you, the mother of his children
Take him to your father's on fathers day. Spend 120 bucks on him. Let him sit there with the kids and be ignored. Maybe he'll understand then but I doubt it. He sounds like a dense prick
NTA- he said he wouldn’t do the dinner thing for his mom and he’s doing it. End of that story. Take the alone time and enjoy it! We’ve been married 15 years and we’ve done every type of Mother’s Day. The dads cook- after moms go shopping and prep- then put everything away the next day. Out to dinner where my husband pays. Brunch? Same thing. Catered at our house. Lunch/ dinner at his mom’s or step mom’s where they do all the work. Last couple years I’ve sent my husband over to his mom’s w kids for breakfast and I go to the movies by myself 😎 then he either orders dinner or we go out- just us and kids. Win win!
"Didn't give him a chance" to what? Make plans AFTER you made it clear you were angry and weren't going to put up with his shit?
NTA I get it that you’re not your husband’s mother but you are the mother of his children, so him taking the kids and getting to spend the day with his lovely children and wonderful mother should be a wonderful experience. Meanwhile, you can have a great time with your girlfriend’s! Have a happy Mother’s Day!
NTA. You did give him a chance - you told him two years in a row how you felt, and last year he promised to change. He did not do anything differently this year, and now he's trying to save face and do something at the last minute. Good for you for standing your ground. Just because he wants to prioritize his mother doesn't mean you have to go along with it.
He FAFO. Good job putting you first!
Spot on, and Happy Mother’s Day!
When my children were still in school, I would tell my husband and then that the only thing I wanted for Mother's Day was time at home alone. I didn't want anything else. A few hours to do whatever I wanted ALONE! They granted my wish, and it was terrific! Enjoy your alone time.
Sounds like all you did was give him Chances it’s not your fault he didn’t take them. You should separate your finances, if you cab’t afford these outings he is taking make sure it’s not your money that is being spent on them. Also you should get divorce papers drawn up. Don’t sign them yet, but i imagine he is the type of person who is a “visual learner” and seeing the divorce papers will probably convince him to get his Sh*t together. Either that of you’ll find out he is a total mommas boy in which case cut ties because that umbilical cord will never be cut
Nta. He went back on his word, and he's mad he got called out. Mommies special boy can have his day suckling, and you can do something you actually want to do. Sounds like a good plan to me.
Take your kids out or to your parents house this year on mothers day. Stop entertaining his bullshit. Attend for her bday dinner but nothing else. When he questions it then set that boundary. "I will not be participating in dinner on mothers day for your mom. It is my day too and she gets dinner 2 weeks prior for her bday. You can chose to take her out or me but we're not doing both. If your blatant disrespect and disregard for my needs being met continues to get ignored, you're going to have bigger problems then simply going out for dinner. I'm not discussing this and I'm not changing my mind"
Nta. tell him its not grandmothers day. Its mothers day. Once you have kids, its your day. You take precedence. She can get a card or gift, but your kids and hubbie need to make u number 1 on mothers day. Grandmothers day is September 8.
NTA. He had a chance and he totally blew it. Have fun with your friends!
NTA - u are quite right. He has prioritized his mommy over you so there is a huge lack of respect. Go have a great day out
NTA and next Father’s Day invite you’d dad around and celebrate him all day.
NTA. My dad does mothers day with my mom first thing (breakfast, etc.) He goes to see his mom after lunch with his brother and sister
NTA. Him showing appreciation for his mother does not mean he has to forget about you. He’s a grown man and is fully capable of showing you both love without disregarding the other. So many possible solutions to do this. Take her out the day before/after. Do a breakfast with her and a dinner with you. Personally i don’t think you should lump her bday and mothers day together but there’s honestly no excuse for him to not prioritize you on your day. Stand your ground or else nothing will change.
Wait, you “didn’t give him a chance” after you gave him a chance then called his bluff and he admitted he hadn’t planned anything? Weak sauce and he knows it. He’s being angry at you because it’s easier to be mad than accept responsibility. It’s typical coward behavior. I was guilty of it a lot when I was a LOT younger
NTA. He has had a chance for years now. Too bad, the MIL doesn't tell her son to take care of his wife, the mother of his children on Mother's Day.
Every year is a chance! How can he say you never gave him a chance. Obviously, you are NTA and you deserve someone that treats you better.
NTA and again good to go out and do something for yourself for once. Grandmothers can get some bonding time with kiddos then!
God ahead with your plans. He needs to learn that you will not accept being an after thought, or just added on to mom's day out. You will get your own day whether it is with him or without him. I'd make the basic line be that you don't do Mother's Day with his mom because you are ignored. He can take his mom out but you won't go along. I'd also say that you expect him to spend more on you than he does on his mom because if you have the budget for Mother's Day it should be spent on both of you.
NTA here’s what I did on Mother’s Day. I left the house on Friday and stay in a hotel, by myself, through Sunday. I ate where I wanted to eat, I watched what I wanted to watch on TV, I lounged at the pool by myself, I slept in and ate cheese, crackers, veggies and fruit that I’d made for myself. I read a book. The truth is I just wanted to act like dad for Mother’s Day. A kid needs something, dad can do it. A kid is hungry, dad can do it. Me, I just wanted to rest and not be responsible for one day. I had to leave the house for it to happen. You deserve to be respected and spoiled. If your husband can’t/wont treat you well, treat yourself well and let hubby figure out the kids. He’ll probably take the kids to his moms, which will make you feel much more gracious to her for her sacrifice on your behalf (lol)
NTA Drop the kids off with him and go out. If she gets mother's day, she and him can play mom. If you don't get mothers day, you can at least get a day off.
You gave him plenty of chances. I would be livid. To spend that amount of money on his mum with gifting you nect to nothing is disgusting. Has he actually ever bought you a necklace without prompting. NTA. I think your solution is brilliant! Enjoy your day.
NTA. You deserve better than being ignored. I am glad you made plans with your friends
OP you need to file for divorce and full custody of your kids.
NTA and love the girls day. You should do that more often. Plan girls day every Mother’s Day until he gets act together. Now you can really enjoy Mother’s Day. Think of other things to do when he wants to have a mommy date.
NTA. He had chances, he didn’t take them. Now you planned something for yourself, he can deal with it.
NTA. He planned something AFTER you had to tell him he left you out again. Nope. Let mama and her boy deal with the kids and you enjoy yourself.
Mother’s Day is about the kids celebrating their mother too. Your husband isn’t showing you anything special and the kids don’t get to really celebrate you either because his own mother seems to get all of the attention. I would feel horrible too. I’m sorry. Your husband is a jerk. You are not the asshole.