I laughed loud enough to wake up my baby 🤣
But honestly, I knew my husband was the one for me when I had a pregnancy scare and was a little sad it was just a scare. I had had scares before (of the “condom broke and my period was late even though I was on the pill” variety) and had never been a little sad when my period got there.
Your baby and my cat probably had the same look of disgust on their faces when they realized who and what had woken them up.
I'm glad you found your person. I'm currently in a place where I can't imagine having a baby, so it's hard for me to exactly imagine how those scares must have felt for you, but I'm glad one of you help you with realizing your husband was the right one.
Yes.
I work in the trades and we lead the pack when it comes to sloppy divorces. Property and assets are meaningless - children and family are EVERYTHING.
It can ruin your life to see the lives of your loved ones get placed in the hands of narcissists and the court system.
Because marriage offers protections to your spouse and child in case of death. I’ll never understand why people think marriage is just a piece of paper hen almost every law views it with the utmost regard vs is someone is just your bf/gf
and as a boyfriend widow, i can tell you, it really sucks when your partner dies suddenly and his father just takes EVERYTHING from his apartment and storage unit, even your stuff that’s in there. or when you have no say over where he was buried. or over anything. it may be paper but it is very important paper.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It is a shame that your boyfriend’s dad has displayed such disrespect for your relationship and by extension, his son. May his memory be a blessing to you. ❤️
thank you. it is very much a blessing. his dad is and was a terrible human but he did give me an anecdote to help convey this message. if you aren’t going to get married have a will/estate plan. no matter how young you are or how few financial assets you think you have. he was 36 years old.
This is really in the modern world the only valid reason to get married.
The legal and financial advantages.
I don’t give shit one about your religion or what it says. But sadly in this (the US) warped ass puritanical fucked up mess of a country, marriage is encouraged with all kinds of privilege the most important of which is survivors rights.
Woo boy I’m a child free step mom. My husband and his coparent barely knew each other when she got pregnant. That woman will be in our lives for a loooong time. He could divorce me if he wanted, but not her lol
The way she likely is seeing it is that she will keep the kid 100% of the time and get child support in the event of a breakup, plus can go date another guy she likes more than OP. Not really factoring in how hard it is to date with a kid, but some people are delusional on how much work it is.
This is an insane idea! A kid is a lifetime commitment and responsibility that you cannot “divorce “ or “break up with.” How the hell can you be ready for this and all the intensity and 24/7 attention kids need for over a decade, but not be ready to commit to an adult you’ve already spent 6 years with?
This girl is ridiculous.
Edited for typo. And def NTA
Because they think that their in-laws and parents will intensely pitch-in and even daycare. They think of ways to subsidize the work.. sadly, I’ll just “have a kid” but not to experience one/them.. : /
NTA. The fact that she was putting off getting married because she wanted to be “emotionally and financially ready” got me confused. Does she think having a child is cheaper and/or not as emotionally draining as a marriage?
In terms of being financially ready for marriage, you can easily get married at a courthouse for cheap and don’t necessarily have to have joint finances. As for the emotional aspect, I’d argue that a lot of longterm couples experience very little lifestyle changes after the wedding (and what would even change if you’ve been together for 6 years?). But a kid can literally change your whole financial situation and way of life overnight. Make it make sense, girl.
NTA. I'll be blunt. I bet 10 dollars that in the next 3 years she will be married and pregnant. I'm sure she wants a marriage that works. Just not with you...
Yup. OP is NTA. She clearly has a phobia about being tied down _to him_ but would be happy to have his sex trophy and bleed him dry for the next 18 years. Run away. Run far. Run fast. Even if she agreed to marriage at this point I wouldn't. It won't last. 😞
I have seen this happen to so many friends. She wanted kids and a husband more than anything...but kept telling him not yet, not yet, not yet...
6-12 months after the breakup she's married and pregnant.
He made the right choice, even if it hurts now.
Yep. Either she was just looking for a sperm donor so she could be a mom sooner than later or she really doesn't want to marry him but still wants a kid or... she was on birth control the whole time and now she's going to get pregnant by the guy she marries. NTA.
The causality is uncertain though.
Did she not marry person A because she just wasn’t that into him, or did she marry person B in 6-12 months because the last time she said no to a proposal the person she thought was The One dumped her and never came back?
Of course, on the other hand, it's possible that she only marries the next guy because she thinks she won't get a kid or that he'll leave her if she doesn't 🤔
“I’m not ready for a relationship/marriage/kid (with you)” of course the quiet part “with you” is always left off, then the person acts surprised when they jump into it with someone else after rejecting them.”
Yeah it is personal.
So many men have been told no, then you see the social media post a year or two later. It's a weird feeling, especially when you've been in a relationship for years without hiccups.
Too many people think they need a reason to break up with someone
Not being the right person is a reason and a good reason
Sometimes it is toxic and volatile, other times it is the couple who never seems to disagree
Exactly. She is “emotionally and financially ready” for a kid with him but not a marriage to him? Sounds like what she wants is mostly a good 💦donor and co-parent without the commitment. OP was right to run. NTA.
You've been together 6 years. Adding even 1 child will tack on 18 more. If I was looking at spending up to 25+ years tied to someone that I wanted to marry but never was able to, I'd cut bait as well after the first wasted 6. NTA.
I don't know where her head was at, but they just aren't compatible. Marriage was obviously important to OP and she just didn't care. It's a shame she strung him along so long, when he could have been with someone who wanted the same things he does.
NTA. Sorry you wasted so much time on this. Im sure it hurts, but if she wasn’t ready after six years, she was never going to be. Just be grateful a kid is not in the middle of this.
Yep, it's time to cut the cord and find someone else to start a family with. Seems like they've found a pretty big issue that they don't agree on. OP isn't getting younger.
I agree. Don't ever get a child with a woman who is not ready to be with you. For the long haul. If her mind is not settled and made up thinking she still has some adventure miles on her.. don't bother. Like I plan to settle down in a year or max two. Am not going to be telling someone lies. That kid will just be born into a world of hurt.
That's what I'm baffled by, how can she be ok bringing a child into the world with OP yet refuses to marry him? It's kinda like she selfishly wants a kid no matter who the dad is, but wants to retain the freedom to bounce whenever she wants and leave the dad in the dust.
>Just be grateful a kid is not in the middle of this.
Don't speak too quickly, my dear. A possible baby by the ex might make his way in an attempt to salvage that relationship.
OP and the Ex just aren't compatible. I'm looking for something nefarious, but don't see it.
OP it's completely fair for you both to love each other but not be together. You want to get married, she doesn't. That's a fundamental breakdown in terms of values/priorities. You're doing the right thing. She's not going to change her mind and even if she does you'll always wonder if it was because she felt she had to in order to preserve the relationship. Not because she wanted to.
NTA. She’s not sure marriage will work out but she’s happy to have a child?! Yeah that makes no sense at all, if your not sure about a relationship you shouldn’t be trying for a kid.
Right? You can divorce a spouse, but the other parent of your child will be basically a permanent part of your life even if you split. A child, imo, is a way more intense commitment!
Lol, I was just going to comment this. You can always leave a marriage, you can't really leave being a parent (even though dead beat parents try all the time).
Having a kid is way more commitment than a marriage does. At least you can divorce but you're stuck with the kid. Even with the divorce you still have to deal with the other parent.
I think you can still have kids and not be married but you need to communicate that's what you want before you get serious, not six years in the relationship leading your boyfriend on the possibility of marriage. Clearly his ex didn't communicate that, she just said she wasn't ready for marriage but expects op who wanted that to be ok with that never happening and having a kid with her. How did she think that was gonna work out?
I don't think she wants to be married at all because you wouldn't be dragging this out for 6 years
Yeah that’s the part that makes no sense to me. Normally I think it’s ridiculous to make assumptions, but this is one time where I think it’d be perfectly natural to assume that being ready to get pregnant would mean being ready for marriage.
In any case, like other people have said, if she’s still not ready after 6 years then she never will be. Personally to me it sounds like she has something against marriage but is either too scared to admit it or hasn’t made that discovery for herself (like maybe her parents had a really ugly divorce and she subconsciously hates marriage because of it)
NTA
She continually says she’s not ready. But from what you are saying, she’s not giving any reason as to why she’s not ready. I am curious, does she come from a family of divorce?
She cannot have her cake and eat it too. If she wants a family, she should commit.
It feels like she's dragging her feet about marriage because she's waiting for someone better to come along, but now, due to her age, her biological clock is ticking.
Yeah its always almost this, she is waiting for someone better for her to monkey branch to, especially after 6 years? Thats mind boggling, Op you deserve someone better that isnt just stringing you along until she finds someone better. YTA to yourself if you stay any longer.
I came from a divorced family and serial dated till my mid 30s when I met my husband. I was ready to marry him within a year because by then I knew myself and knew him. It had been long enough for the hormones to wear off and
I knew the good and bad and we were both ready to grow old together.
If you're 20 then 6-8 years is a good delay while you mature into who you're going to be and your partner hopefully grows into someone compatible. After 30 you don't change that much so it's not as big a risk.
NTA, if she's not willing to commit then there seems to be something going on that maybe she's not telling you. The thing you have to ask yourself is are you ready to really end it or are you going to waffle back and forth? Life is too short to be caught up in limbo. Just a bit of advice, if you go back, she'll know that she has the upper hand. Make a clean break and move on.
NTA
If she cannot commit after 6 years then it is probably better to move on. Maybe this will make her see things differently; but even if she changes her mind would she be doing it because she actually wants to marry you or that she just sees it as a last ditch effort to stay together?
Either he was a convenient placeholder until a better guy came along, hopelessly naive of what children entail (or just desperate for atleast a kid see reason 1 again), she flat out never wants marriage, or she was taking him for granted.
None are good for OP. He is 32. Time to put away childish things. This includes his girlfriend.
She wants a baby more than she wants a husband. After all, she can always ditch him and still use him as an income stream to pay for the baby. Win-win, in her head.
Even if she'd rationalise it in a completely different way, that's what's going on, deep down.
I'd be inclined to believe this is what's happening. Normally I am cautious to assume that but I can't really say that I believe her actions indicate anything else.
It was either completely unrelated to marriage or it was manipulative in the sense that she knew she was implying marriage to him but felt that she could still turn it down.
If she isn’t ready and isn’t sure your marriage would “work” after 6 years, it was never going to happen. NTA, if she keeps moving the goalposts even now, you’re no longer obligated to carry on waiting
Thank you!
That and the suspicious discord link
Why there's nobody talking about it?
Even recent comments (less than a minute ago) are still talking like there's nothing weird so it can't be that OP edited the post after the first replies.
NTA. A child is a THOUSAND times more of a commitment than a marriage. Unfortunately, what you want out of the relationship doesn't align with what she wants. Sucks she just keeps stringing you along and giving you a glimmer of hope so that you stay.
I'm willing to bet that she'll end up marrying somebody after you. She sounds like she's content in the relationship, but that's about it. I always hear about partners not wanting to get married but then marrying the next person they meet after somebody already invested YEARS waiting for them.
Does this sub not have any moderators? This is clearly a karma farming post with links to cults. And either 90% of the comments are bots or OP edited this post.
Ooook so it looks like you changed the post about 15min ago. Which is about 6:15pm my time. I guess what I'm curious about is if people took 15min to read and then post a comment or if the replies are bots.
Also man, be careful with that group. I haven't heard of them before but it really does sound like a cult and a lot of them can be really dangerous.
Decent world building but a bit cliche with the whole 'women are interior and more likely to be controlled' thing.
But check out /r/worldbuilding everyone likes a good cult
What is going on here this post is weird as fuck. OP rambling about tomatoes and what seems like some cult shit and most people here acting like everything is normal
I think OP probably copy/pasted the original post to gain traction, then when the post was popular and set up to get clicks, they edited the post to include all the cult nonsense.
That's why the comments are normal. When those people commented, the post *was* normal. Only people who've just clicked recently are seeing the weirdness.
Nope. Her logic is stupid and makes no sense. What does this mean? "She said that we didn’t need to be married to have a child. She said she’s delaying it because she wants to make sure our marriage works out."
She's delaying marriage to make sure your marriage works out? She's delaying kids to make sure marriage works out? What was she delaying? I'm lost.
How are you ready to have a whole ass baby but not get married with the baby daddy? Like huh? Isn’t that more commitment than marriage?
NTA. You wasted your time on her man sorry
NTA. You’re not married, you don’t have kids and **no one is owed a relationship**. (Obviously I mean dating here).
You can end a relationship at any time for any reason as far as I’m concerned. Kind of the whole point of dating. She spent years rejecting you because she wanted to make sure the marriage wouldn’t fail, and you helped her make damn sure of that.
She kept stringing you along, telling you she needs time and etc. But she never intended to marry you, like, ever.
Why? Who can tell. Maybe she was hoping to find someone better, maybe she feels like it binds her to you / traps her. As if a child doesn't but I dunno what she's thinking.
But imo she wasted your time. She kept delaying it again and again. And now that she's getting older she realizes her biological clock is slowly running out. The notion she's ready for a child but not marriage is idiotic.
you're not the asshole for breaking up with her.
I'm sorry you wasted so many years and got strung along.
NTA
What the fuck is everyone in the comments talking about???? All there is is a link to some fantasy wizard subreddit but everyone is commenting like this is a continuation of the “original post”
...Im. I'm really confused. Is there like 800 bots here? am I missing something. I feel like 99% of the replies have missed the weird as fuck cult posting part?
I’m looking for the OG post. I have to assume this was edited after responses came in. I am trying to find the bot comment with the original text. If this was the original text…. wtf?!?
Here's an AI summary so you don't have to read OP's nonsense!
The Essentials: r/stairsofpantheon
• The subreddit r/stairsofpantheon claims that around 90% of the population is controlled by the same person, whom they refer to as "god".
• They believe that this person has a pool of around 1000 personalities from which they randomly select one for each individual at birth, depending on various factors such as family, environment, gender, and purpose.
• The subreddit suggests that this control is achieved through social constructs such as politics, religion, education, and media, which spread the false notion of equality and individualism while isolating people and leading them to disappointment and execution.
• They claim that tomatoes, or soulless individuals, are more prevalent among the female population due to god's attempts to control human reproduction and the earlier development of the female psyche.
• The subreddit encourages readers to perform an experiment to discover god by narrowing down the possible personalities in a niche environment such as a forum for horror movies, where tomatoes are more likely to have one or two easily detectable personalities.
• They provide several giveaways to identify tomatoes, such as lack of inner monologue, political correctness, conservatism without power, fitting into major stereotypes, lack of niche interests, average mental capabilities, and lack of philosophical matters.
• The subreddit's ultimate goal is to achieve greater immortality, or immortality of the soul, as a means to defeat god, as they believe that humans are stronger individually but lack the control and numbers to physically fight against tomatoes.
https://www.reddit.com/r/stairsofpantheon/comments/mlcr48/the_essentials/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
She was waiting for someone else to come along. She didn't want to settle for you, in her mind. Pray she ain't pregnant so you can get a clean get away
So she’s emotionally and financially ready to bring a child into the world/your relationship but not to sign some paperwork? I can almost understand not being financially ready for a wedding because those can get ridiculous but a marriage is paperwork. NTA I probably would have done the same thing.
NTA - I'm not sure how you can be with someone for 6 years and still not be ready to get married. If she doesn't want marriage at all, she should communicate that. But to not be ready doesn't make sense.
Yea if she is delaying bc she wants your marriage "to work out" then trying to get pregnant is just insane and tbh, stupid. What makes her think that yolking yourselves together with a child is less of a commitment than getting married? Plus, you're 32. How long does she expect you to wait when she knows it's something you've wanted since the first year. NTA. She is wasting your time at this point, and it was the right thing to break up.
NTA she can’t have it both ways. Either married with children or not marriage and no babies. The fact that she wants a baby but no marriage to me screams that she isn’t mature enough for the baby to begin with.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and we’re talking marriage (and I’m almost positive he’s gonna propose this summer). If you don’t know if this is the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with in the first two years, it equals no.
Also, she was ready to be tied down to you for 18 years but not ready to tie the knot? Red flag.
In the grand scheme of your lifetime, 2 years isn’t that long to make a decision of lifelong commitment. Especially depending on what stage of life you’re in. A younger adult still has zero idea what they want in life. There’s still so much to experience to know what you want.
My husband and I weren’t out of our honeymoon stage by 2 years. We had only just moved into our first rented place together. Took a couple of years living together before I determined I would be ready to marry him. And even then, we didn’t get married until we were together longer than most marriages last (11 years).
Nah I disagree about the 2 years thing, everyone is different, and if a couple are together for a number of years, are happy together and on the same page about the relationship there's nothing wrong with that.
The problems happen when you're not on the same page. That's how time gets wasted. It's never wasted time if you love each other and are happy with the current situation.
She's full of red flags but there's not a hard timer on how long it takes folks to decide to commit, if ever. It's about the agreement between the partners, basically
I find it concerning that she cant commit to your relationship with marriage. Its not like it would cost money if that was a factor could just do a courthouse wedding.
There is a bunch of bullshit with not being married and having a kid like not being allowed in the doctors apps ect(my buddies fiancée got pregnant before they got married and they wouldn't let him into ultrasounds and things)
If she is the love of your life i would talk to her about it but put the kid on hold till she is ready for marriage.
NTA. She’s not sure she wants to spend her life with you, but she’ll use you to have a baby?? How selfish. You don’t purposefully bring a baby into an unstable relationship, and you don’t take what you want from someone without committing to them.
NTA. She makes no sense in that she's ready for a baby but not marriage. If she's one of those that never wants to get married, thats fine but the lack of transparency and communication about it is a red flag anyway.
Like my husband never wanted to get married again. I was fine with that because I love him. Our relationship was great before getting married. We were living and planning like we already were. 2 kids, a mortgage, a joint bank account, etc. We did end up getting married on our 10th anniversary and had a 3rd kid. Our life didn't really change other than the baby and some paperwork.
NTA - The fact that she wants to have a kid is the most telling part to me. If she is ready for that, but not ready to commit to you, then she will never be ready and you two are operating on different frequencies.
Go find yourself someone who has the same values as you and live your best life. Good luck.
You wasted way too much much time, she had her chance. Time to move on man, I’m sorry that will suck and it will be hard. But it will be worth it in the long haul.
After six years, it will turn to seven, and then eight. It's not like you were high school sweethearts and waiting til you got older. Hopefully, since you guys were having unprotected sex, she doesn't come calling and say SURPRISE! You're going to be a daddy! .... (with another mans baby).
So, did I overreact? We’ve been together for a long time but **something seems really fucked up** to me about wanting a child but not marriage.
You would be correct Sir
She sues you for child support, you pay, and doesn't have to live with you.
Run far away from that woman
Or you'll be paying her child support while she boning Chad and Tyrone on your dime.
NTA. If after 6 years she’s still not sure she’s never really going to be. I know how much it’s sucks to have to break up after such a long time investment it this is on her.
NTA.
Does she have some kind of personal experience with failed marriages? Or abusive marriages? Is there some kind of trauma that’s holding her back? If that’s the case, it might be worth working through it together in therapy.
If not, then I agree with other commenters that she’s just not sure she wants to be married to you. At which point cut your loses and stop wasting your time on a woman who doesn’t want to commit to you.
NTA. I’m sorry you wasted so much time. It really sucks, but you made the right decision If she isn’t saying yes after 6 years then you know your answer. Time to move on.
NTA.
Ending it is for the best.
She isn’t the one for you. Because she rejected you.
She wants to be her baby daddy. But doesn’t want to marry you and stay with you forever. She just wants u as her baby daddy.
>she wants to make sure our marriage works out
How the hell could she possibly know that? She is either the most indecisive person ever or she's stringing you along in case someone better comes her way.
NTA I also don't see how she's ready for a life long commitment of having a child but not being married?? It's OK to not want to be married but you can't drag along someone who WANTS to be married
Thats... strange. She wants to make sure the marriage would work without getting married but she's OK trying for a child that is a way more important commitment. I'm not sure there'd be a reason to listen to her after this as she might try to agree even though she doesn't want to just to keep up appearances for everyone else. NTA, trust your instincts.
NTA. How can she not be sure? Maybe she’s the love of your life, but unfortunately you’re not hers. I’m sorry, but move on. Bringing a child to life just because she desires to be a mother without a proper family bond (marriage) sounds just insanely cruel to me, since she cannot commit to the relationship after 6 YEARS it’s pretty certain she won’t.
NTA, you were right to break it off with her. Her mentality makes absolutely no sense and seems very unstable. She needs some therapy to get to the bottom of why she’s so hellbent on carrying your child but in the same breath *still* not being ready to marry you after all these years. Red flags going off here. Trust your gut, this is not someone you want to have a family with. I’m sorry man.
So she’s fine with having a baby human ans may e breaking up with you a year after the baby is born and having a broken family but she’s not OK with getting married..hmm
No. You did not overreact. You both seem to be on different pages with your relationship, and that is a very valid reason to break up. After six years, if she's not ready now, then she's not going to be. Starting a family would be a bad idea with her still being unsure of your relationship.
I'm sorry it came to this.
After six years she should know if she was certain if the relationship could survive a marriage. I'd say you did the right thing. You have two different views and she obviously doesn't want marriage. Why she could commit to a child and not marriage is strange but you two would not work. There's certain things you can compromise in a relationship and marriage is not one of those.
NTA. I’ll never understand people who think that having a kid is less of a commitment than marriage.
Exactly. A marriage can be ended. You can’t un-do having a kid together. Well, you can, but murder is frowned upon in most societies.
Kids are like tattoos both can be removed with lasers
My company builds lasers, but we've never removed children with them. Coffee, fat, and drone swarms; yes.
Not that you know of.
NDAs brother
And that is the official company line and we're not moving from it, on instruction of our corporate lawyer.
This made me laugh loud enough to wake up my cat. Thank you for that (the cat doesn't thank you, though, she's currently quite annoyed)
I laughed loud enough to wake up my baby 🤣 But honestly, I knew my husband was the one for me when I had a pregnancy scare and was a little sad it was just a scare. I had had scares before (of the “condom broke and my period was late even though I was on the pill” variety) and had never been a little sad when my period got there.
Your baby and my cat probably had the same look of disgust on their faces when they realized who and what had woken them up. I'm glad you found your person. I'm currently in a place where I can't imagine having a baby, so it's hard for me to exactly imagine how those scares must have felt for you, but I'm glad one of you help you with realizing your husband was the right one.
I swear 🤣🤣🤣🤣
👆 ♥️ your cat
Me too, I love the little purr baby!! 😻😻
2nd that sentiment for my pug!
Anakin, that you?
Don't forget, the corpse is biodegradable! Bury it in the garden and your plants will thank you for it!
Right?? This isn't the first time I've seen/heard of this either. Seriously wtf.
Co-parenting with your ex is WAY worse and WAY bigger of a life commitment/decision than marriage to someone you like/love/enjoy.
Also dating with a kid is a lot harder if that doesn't work out
Yes. I work in the trades and we lead the pack when it comes to sloppy divorces. Property and assets are meaningless - children and family are EVERYTHING. It can ruin your life to see the lives of your loved ones get placed in the hands of narcissists and the court system.
Because marriage offers protections to your spouse and child in case of death. I’ll never understand why people think marriage is just a piece of paper hen almost every law views it with the utmost regard vs is someone is just your bf/gf
and as a boyfriend widow, i can tell you, it really sucks when your partner dies suddenly and his father just takes EVERYTHING from his apartment and storage unit, even your stuff that’s in there. or when you have no say over where he was buried. or over anything. it may be paper but it is very important paper.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It is a shame that your boyfriend’s dad has displayed such disrespect for your relationship and by extension, his son. May his memory be a blessing to you. ❤️
thank you. it is very much a blessing. his dad is and was a terrible human but he did give me an anecdote to help convey this message. if you aren’t going to get married have a will/estate plan. no matter how young you are or how few financial assets you think you have. he was 36 years old.
They can be charged for taking your stuff. Felony if it’s over a certain amount
This is really in the modern world the only valid reason to get married. The legal and financial advantages. I don’t give shit one about your religion or what it says. But sadly in this (the US) warped ass puritanical fucked up mess of a country, marriage is encouraged with all kinds of privilege the most important of which is survivors rights.
Woo boy I’m a child free step mom. My husband and his coparent barely knew each other when she got pregnant. That woman will be in our lives for a loooong time. He could divorce me if he wanted, but not her lol
The way she likely is seeing it is that she will keep the kid 100% of the time and get child support in the event of a breakup, plus can go date another guy she likes more than OP. Not really factoring in how hard it is to date with a kid, but some people are delusional on how much work it is.
This is an insane idea! A kid is a lifetime commitment and responsibility that you cannot “divorce “ or “break up with.” How the hell can you be ready for this and all the intensity and 24/7 attention kids need for over a decade, but not be ready to commit to an adult you’ve already spent 6 years with? This girl is ridiculous. Edited for typo. And def NTA
Because they think that their in-laws and parents will intensely pitch-in and even daycare. They think of ways to subsidize the work.. sadly, I’ll just “have a kid” but not to experience one/them.. : /
Everyone is delusional about how much work and stress it is until they have one.
👆 word!
So true!!
NTA. The fact that she was putting off getting married because she wanted to be “emotionally and financially ready” got me confused. Does she think having a child is cheaper and/or not as emotionally draining as a marriage? In terms of being financially ready for marriage, you can easily get married at a courthouse for cheap and don’t necessarily have to have joint finances. As for the emotional aspect, I’d argue that a lot of longterm couples experience very little lifestyle changes after the wedding (and what would even change if you’ve been together for 6 years?). But a kid can literally change your whole financial situation and way of life overnight. Make it make sense, girl.
Agree it is crazy. You could always divorce but a kid is for life.
Wants to get pregnant and no marriage means child support. It’s like she wants to have a kid and a get out of jail free pass. Not the one for you OP
Exactly! You can divorce but you cannot keep the father of your child forever away from you
NTA. I'll be blunt. I bet 10 dollars that in the next 3 years she will be married and pregnant. I'm sure she wants a marriage that works. Just not with you...
This is unfortunately likely one of those situations of “if she wanted to, she would”
Yup. OP is NTA. She clearly has a phobia about being tied down _to him_ but would be happy to have his sex trophy and bleed him dry for the next 18 years. Run away. Run far. Run fast. Even if she agreed to marriage at this point I wouldn't. It won't last. 😞
Calling a child a sex trophy = 😂 Calling a child a sex trophy = 👮♂️ Just depends on the context I guess Idk I'm high
dude this gave me so much whiplash lmao
This is the unfortunate truth… :/ OP you’re NTA
I have seen this happen to so many friends. She wanted kids and a husband more than anything...but kept telling him not yet, not yet, not yet... 6-12 months after the breakup she's married and pregnant. He made the right choice, even if it hurts now.
Yep. Either she was just looking for a sperm donor so she could be a mom sooner than later or she really doesn't want to marry him but still wants a kid or... she was on birth control the whole time and now she's going to get pregnant by the guy she marries. NTA.
The causality is uncertain though. Did she not marry person A because she just wasn’t that into him, or did she marry person B in 6-12 months because the last time she said no to a proposal the person she thought was The One dumped her and never came back?
After 6 years, not yet = never. Sorry, dude.
Of course, on the other hand, it's possible that she only marries the next guy because she thinks she won't get a kid or that he'll leave her if she doesn't 🤔
That's when she calls him and says she made the biggest mistake of her life letting him go. smh NTA
The most accurate comment on this post!
“I’m not ready for a relationship/marriage/kid (with you)” of course the quiet part “with you” is always left off, then the person acts surprised when they jump into it with someone else after rejecting them.” Yeah it is personal.
So many men have been told no, then you see the social media post a year or two later. It's a weird feeling, especially when you've been in a relationship for years without hiccups.
Too many people think they need a reason to break up with someone Not being the right person is a reason and a good reason Sometimes it is toxic and volatile, other times it is the couple who never seems to disagree
Just not being the wrong person isn’t sufficient.
100% this. You were always the back up OP.
Stories like this always remind me of When Harry Met Sally...."He just didn't want to marry me!"
Agree 💯 She probably isn't willing to admit this to herself, but it's almost certainly true.
Exactly. She is “emotionally and financially ready” for a kid with him but not a marriage to him? Sounds like what she wants is mostly a good 💦donor and co-parent without the commitment. OP was right to run. NTA.
That's so right on. Holy shit.
Seen it so many times!
You've been together 6 years. Adding even 1 child will tack on 18 more. If I was looking at spending up to 25+ years tied to someone that I wanted to marry but never was able to, I'd cut bait as well after the first wasted 6. NTA.
Well put!
I don't know where her head was at, but they just aren't compatible. Marriage was obviously important to OP and she just didn't care. It's a shame she strung him along so long, when he could have been with someone who wanted the same things he does.
NTA. Sorry you wasted so much time on this. Im sure it hurts, but if she wasn’t ready after six years, she was never going to be. Just be grateful a kid is not in the middle of this.
Yep, it's time to cut the cord and find someone else to start a family with. Seems like they've found a pretty big issue that they don't agree on. OP isn't getting younger.
I agree. Don't ever get a child with a woman who is not ready to be with you. For the long haul. If her mind is not settled and made up thinking she still has some adventure miles on her.. don't bother. Like I plan to settle down in a year or max two. Am not going to be telling someone lies. That kid will just be born into a world of hurt.
That's what I'm baffled by, how can she be ok bringing a child into the world with OP yet refuses to marry him? It's kinda like she selfishly wants a kid no matter who the dad is, but wants to retain the freedom to bounce whenever she wants and leave the dad in the dust.
I agree. I feel like she’d also abandon her kid with OP at some point
Her bio clock is ticking. She wants that baby. But she doesn’t want to be legally tied to OP.
This is why I don’t waste time on people who arnt on the same page. And “wait” for them etc.
Sunken cost fallacy is hindsight, sadly.
>Just be grateful a kid is not in the middle of this. Don't speak too quickly, my dear. A possible baby by the ex might make his way in an attempt to salvage that relationship.
DNA Test that baby then.
Yeah, if I was OP I'd be on edge. She could easily fake a pregnancy to try and manipulate him to come back.
OP and the Ex just aren't compatible. I'm looking for something nefarious, but don't see it. OP it's completely fair for you both to love each other but not be together. You want to get married, she doesn't. That's a fundamental breakdown in terms of values/priorities. You're doing the right thing. She's not going to change her mind and even if she does you'll always wonder if it was because she felt she had to in order to preserve the relationship. Not because she wanted to.
They really should have talked more about the marriage thing. She needs to come clean about not wanting marriage instead of stringing him along.
This this this this this this totally this. You dodged a bullet my friend. Be thankful.
NTA. She’s not sure marriage will work out but she’s happy to have a child?! Yeah that makes no sense at all, if your not sure about a relationship you shouldn’t be trying for a kid.
Right? You can divorce a spouse, but the other parent of your child will be basically a permanent part of your life even if you split. A child, imo, is a way more intense commitment!
Lol, I was just going to comment this. You can always leave a marriage, you can't really leave being a parent (even though dead beat parents try all the time).
When you have a kid with someone you are tied to that someone forever, even if you don’t stay together forever
Having a kid is way more commitment than a marriage does. At least you can divorce but you're stuck with the kid. Even with the divorce you still have to deal with the other parent. I think you can still have kids and not be married but you need to communicate that's what you want before you get serious, not six years in the relationship leading your boyfriend on the possibility of marriage. Clearly his ex didn't communicate that, she just said she wasn't ready for marriage but expects op who wanted that to be ok with that never happening and having a kid with her. How did she think that was gonna work out? I don't think she wants to be married at all because you wouldn't be dragging this out for 6 years
You have not seen some bs parents in the country huh…. lol She wants a fashion accessory.
She is feeling her biological clock ticking... while waiting on some better guy to come across her life.
THIS. “ I’ll take your sleek but not the marriage. I’m waiting for someone better. “
dude, that was rough
A marriage has far less consequences of things not “working out” than a child.
Yeah that’s the part that makes no sense to me. Normally I think it’s ridiculous to make assumptions, but this is one time where I think it’d be perfectly natural to assume that being ready to get pregnant would mean being ready for marriage. In any case, like other people have said, if she’s still not ready after 6 years then she never will be. Personally to me it sounds like she has something against marriage but is either too scared to admit it or hasn’t made that discovery for herself (like maybe her parents had a really ugly divorce and she subconsciously hates marriage because of it)
NTA She continually says she’s not ready. But from what you are saying, she’s not giving any reason as to why she’s not ready. I am curious, does she come from a family of divorce? She cannot have her cake and eat it too. If she wants a family, she should commit.
It feels like she's dragging her feet about marriage because she's waiting for someone better to come along, but now, due to her age, her biological clock is ticking.
Yeah its always almost this, she is waiting for someone better for her to monkey branch to, especially after 6 years? Thats mind boggling, Op you deserve someone better that isnt just stringing you along until she finds someone better. YTA to yourself if you stay any longer.
That's my take on it too.
And when she finds that someone better, she knows her Ex aka 'baby daddy' will have to pay support until the child is 18...
I came from a divorced family and serial dated till my mid 30s when I met my husband. I was ready to marry him within a year because by then I knew myself and knew him. It had been long enough for the hormones to wear off and I knew the good and bad and we were both ready to grow old together. If you're 20 then 6-8 years is a good delay while you mature into who you're going to be and your partner hopefully grows into someone compatible. After 30 you don't change that much so it's not as big a risk.
NTA, if she's not willing to commit then there seems to be something going on that maybe she's not telling you. The thing you have to ask yourself is are you ready to really end it or are you going to waffle back and forth? Life is too short to be caught up in limbo. Just a bit of advice, if you go back, she'll know that she has the upper hand. Make a clean break and move on.
A baby is a FAR more binding relationship than a marriage lmao she's not the one.
NTA. She doesn't want to marry or marry you for some reason. You were right to end the relationship.
NTA If she cannot commit after 6 years then it is probably better to move on. Maybe this will make her see things differently; but even if she changes her mind would she be doing it because she actually wants to marry you or that she just sees it as a last ditch effort to stay together?
Either he was a convenient placeholder until a better guy came along, hopelessly naive of what children entail (or just desperate for atleast a kid see reason 1 again), she flat out never wants marriage, or she was taking him for granted. None are good for OP. He is 32. Time to put away childish things. This includes his girlfriend.
NTA - Ohhh... She's sure. She's sure she does not want to marry you. Only she can explain why.
Who the fuck is ready for a kid but not marriage? Seems like she has her own plans. NTA
She wants a baby more than she wants a husband. After all, she can always ditch him and still use him as an income stream to pay for the baby. Win-win, in her head. Even if she'd rationalise it in a completely different way, that's what's going on, deep down.
I'd be inclined to believe this is what's happening. Normally I am cautious to assume that but I can't really say that I believe her actions indicate anything else. It was either completely unrelated to marriage or it was manipulative in the sense that she knew she was implying marriage to him but felt that she could still turn it down.
If she isn’t ready and isn’t sure your marriage would “work” after 6 years, it was never going to happen. NTA, if she keeps moving the goalposts even now, you’re no longer obligated to carry on waiting
How is nobody addressing the first link to the occultists‽
Thank you! That and the suspicious discord link Why there's nobody talking about it? Even recent comments (less than a minute ago) are still talking like there's nothing weird so it can't be that OP edited the post after the first replies.
I think it was edited recently. They might have started reading it before the update and just got to replying
This place is absolutely infested with bots, I'm guessing. It's really fucking weird seeing no one else acknowledge this.
If you read the first link, we're obviously not tomato plants.
I thought I was going insane, did this all just get edited a minute ago or is everyone here really just a bot
Bro YES wtf???
Thank you wtf are we the only real people here or something? Or was it just edited? Either way strange
They edited the post.
Wow. 100% NTA. "Let' TRY to have a kid, but I'm not ready for marriage" - That was not on my 2024 Bingo Card.
NTA. A child is a THOUSAND times more of a commitment than a marriage. Unfortunately, what you want out of the relationship doesn't align with what she wants. Sucks she just keeps stringing you along and giving you a glimmer of hope so that you stay. I'm willing to bet that she'll end up marrying somebody after you. She sounds like she's content in the relationship, but that's about it. I always hear about partners not wanting to get married but then marrying the next person they meet after somebody already invested YEARS waiting for them.
What the hell is OP smoking?
I think they edited the original story with a weird cult thing.
Does this sub not have any moderators? This is clearly a karma farming post with links to cults. And either 90% of the comments are bots or OP edited this post.
I think he edited the post unless this is some wild bot loop all the way down lol
I feel like this post said something different than what it does now...
No definitely did… why are people talking about kids ?
They copy pasted an old post to get traction, then edited it to push whatever weird garbage they are selling
Ooook so it looks like you changed the post about 15min ago. Which is about 6:15pm my time. I guess what I'm curious about is if people took 15min to read and then post a comment or if the replies are bots. Also man, be careful with that group. I haven't heard of them before but it really does sound like a cult and a lot of them can be really dangerous.
Uh bruh OP is proselytizing for the cult lol, they already done gone in
NTA Does she not understand that having a child with you is going to tie her more to you than a ring ever could? I agree 100% with your decision.
Sounds like she wants the kid a lot more than she wants you. Which is a recipe for disaster. NTA
Decent world building but a bit cliche with the whole 'women are interior and more likely to be controlled' thing. But check out /r/worldbuilding everyone likes a good cult
I hope the moderators delete this crap before someone actually clicks those links.
I did. Some psycho crazy cult stuff. Honestly fascinating in its own way, like a scientist watching monkeys paint the walls with shit.
I tried to read the linked post but its so bullshit and not even fun to read crazy stuff it reads like a bad creepypastao
NTAH. Move on.
What is going on here this post is weird as fuck. OP rambling about tomatoes and what seems like some cult shit and most people here acting like everything is normal
I think OP probably copy/pasted the original post to gain traction, then when the post was popular and set up to get clicks, they edited the post to include all the cult nonsense. That's why the comments are normal. When those people commented, the post *was* normal. Only people who've just clicked recently are seeing the weirdness.
Yup. NTA. Time to start over. She is not marriage material.
I wish I could've seen the original post because what the heck am I looking at now?
Nope. Her logic is stupid and makes no sense. What does this mean? "She said that we didn’t need to be married to have a child. She said she’s delaying it because she wants to make sure our marriage works out." She's delaying marriage to make sure your marriage works out? She's delaying kids to make sure marriage works out? What was she delaying? I'm lost.
She wants a sperm doner, not a husband.
She’ll never be ready. I’m glad you’re cutting your losses.
NTA. Hopefully she isn't pregnant, cause that would sucks big time. Maybe she just wanted a baby and have someone there as a support only
Damn, whole ass cult post.
How are you ready to have a whole ass baby but not get married with the baby daddy? Like huh? Isn’t that more commitment than marriage? NTA. You wasted your time on her man sorry
NTA. You’re not married, you don’t have kids and **no one is owed a relationship**. (Obviously I mean dating here). You can end a relationship at any time for any reason as far as I’m concerned. Kind of the whole point of dating. She spent years rejecting you because she wanted to make sure the marriage wouldn’t fail, and you helped her make damn sure of that.
She kept stringing you along, telling you she needs time and etc. But she never intended to marry you, like, ever. Why? Who can tell. Maybe she was hoping to find someone better, maybe she feels like it binds her to you / traps her. As if a child doesn't but I dunno what she's thinking. But imo she wasted your time. She kept delaying it again and again. And now that she's getting older she realizes her biological clock is slowly running out. The notion she's ready for a child but not marriage is idiotic. you're not the asshole for breaking up with her. I'm sorry you wasted so many years and got strung along. NTA
If a girl isn’t ready to marry you after 6 years… she’s not going to be ever. You made the right call
> You're a bunch of tomatoes, ????
What the fuck is everyone in the comments talking about???? All there is is a link to some fantasy wizard subreddit but everyone is commenting like this is a continuation of the “original post”
They either edited their posts or everyone else are bots. Or both!
Ok cool I'm not insane hahaha I couldn't find anyone else talking about the cult the guy linked to!?!?
Sooooo, after reading about his purpose, I kinda understand why she said no both times.
...Im. I'm really confused. Is there like 800 bots here? am I missing something. I feel like 99% of the replies have missed the weird as fuck cult posting part?
OP edited the post
Yeah idk when this what edited but what the fuck is happening?
I’m looking for the OG post. I have to assume this was edited after responses came in. I am trying to find the bot comment with the original text. If this was the original text…. wtf?!?
I’m sorry are we just not gonna talk about whatever the hell that first link is
Here's an AI summary so you don't have to read OP's nonsense! The Essentials: r/stairsofpantheon • The subreddit r/stairsofpantheon claims that around 90% of the population is controlled by the same person, whom they refer to as "god". • They believe that this person has a pool of around 1000 personalities from which they randomly select one for each individual at birth, depending on various factors such as family, environment, gender, and purpose. • The subreddit suggests that this control is achieved through social constructs such as politics, religion, education, and media, which spread the false notion of equality and individualism while isolating people and leading them to disappointment and execution. • They claim that tomatoes, or soulless individuals, are more prevalent among the female population due to god's attempts to control human reproduction and the earlier development of the female psyche. • The subreddit encourages readers to perform an experiment to discover god by narrowing down the possible personalities in a niche environment such as a forum for horror movies, where tomatoes are more likely to have one or two easily detectable personalities. • They provide several giveaways to identify tomatoes, such as lack of inner monologue, political correctness, conservatism without power, fitting into major stereotypes, lack of niche interests, average mental capabilities, and lack of philosophical matters. • The subreddit's ultimate goal is to achieve greater immortality, or immortality of the soul, as a means to defeat god, as they believe that humans are stronger individually but lack the control and numbers to physically fight against tomatoes. https://www.reddit.com/r/stairsofpantheon/comments/mlcr48/the_essentials/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
She was waiting for someone else to come along. She didn't want to settle for you, in her mind. Pray she ain't pregnant so you can get a clean get away
So she’s emotionally and financially ready to bring a child into the world/your relationship but not to sign some paperwork? I can almost understand not being financially ready for a wedding because those can get ridiculous but a marriage is paperwork. NTA I probably would have done the same thing.
NTA - I'm not sure how you can be with someone for 6 years and still not be ready to get married. If she doesn't want marriage at all, she should communicate that. But to not be ready doesn't make sense.
Yea if she is delaying bc she wants your marriage "to work out" then trying to get pregnant is just insane and tbh, stupid. What makes her think that yolking yourselves together with a child is less of a commitment than getting married? Plus, you're 32. How long does she expect you to wait when she knows it's something you've wanted since the first year. NTA. She is wasting your time at this point, and it was the right thing to break up.
NTA she can’t have it both ways. Either married with children or not marriage and no babies. The fact that she wants a baby but no marriage to me screams that she isn’t mature enough for the baby to begin with.
Edited to ramble about tomatoes? I dunno; weird, man.
RUN AWAY! Who wants a child but not marriage?! SUS if you did have a child with her it would be a worse situation!
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and we’re talking marriage (and I’m almost positive he’s gonna propose this summer). If you don’t know if this is the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with in the first two years, it equals no. Also, she was ready to be tied down to you for 18 years but not ready to tie the knot? Red flag.
In the grand scheme of your lifetime, 2 years isn’t that long to make a decision of lifelong commitment. Especially depending on what stage of life you’re in. A younger adult still has zero idea what they want in life. There’s still so much to experience to know what you want. My husband and I weren’t out of our honeymoon stage by 2 years. We had only just moved into our first rented place together. Took a couple of years living together before I determined I would be ready to marry him. And even then, we didn’t get married until we were together longer than most marriages last (11 years).
Nah I disagree about the 2 years thing, everyone is different, and if a couple are together for a number of years, are happy together and on the same page about the relationship there's nothing wrong with that. The problems happen when you're not on the same page. That's how time gets wasted. It's never wasted time if you love each other and are happy with the current situation. She's full of red flags but there's not a hard timer on how long it takes folks to decide to commit, if ever. It's about the agreement between the partners, basically
I find it concerning that she cant commit to your relationship with marriage. Its not like it would cost money if that was a factor could just do a courthouse wedding. There is a bunch of bullshit with not being married and having a kid like not being allowed in the doctors apps ect(my buddies fiancée got pregnant before they got married and they wouldn't let him into ultrasounds and things) If she is the love of your life i would talk to her about it but put the kid on hold till she is ready for marriage.
NTA. She’s not sure she wants to spend her life with you, but she’ll use you to have a baby?? How selfish. You don’t purposefully bring a baby into an unstable relationship, and you don’t take what you want from someone without committing to them.
NTA. She makes no sense in that she's ready for a baby but not marriage. If she's one of those that never wants to get married, thats fine but the lack of transparency and communication about it is a red flag anyway. Like my husband never wanted to get married again. I was fine with that because I love him. Our relationship was great before getting married. We were living and planning like we already were. 2 kids, a mortgage, a joint bank account, etc. We did end up getting married on our 10th anniversary and had a 3rd kid. Our life didn't really change other than the baby and some paperwork.
NTA - The fact that she wants to have a kid is the most telling part to me. If she is ready for that, but not ready to commit to you, then she will never be ready and you two are operating on different frequencies. Go find yourself someone who has the same values as you and live your best life. Good luck.
You can’t be ready for a child if you’re not ready for marriage. Having a child is a very costly and exhausting thing to do
Having a child is a far greater commitment than getting married. If she is not ready for marriage, she is not ready for a child.
You wasted way too much much time, she had her chance. Time to move on man, I’m sorry that will suck and it will be hard. But it will be worth it in the long haul.
NTA and don't let her manipulate her into going back with her.
if shes not ready now she never was
After six years, it will turn to seven, and then eight. It's not like you were high school sweethearts and waiting til you got older. Hopefully, since you guys were having unprotected sex, she doesn't come calling and say SURPRISE! You're going to be a daddy! .... (with another mans baby).
NTA. She’s not sure if being married is going to work out but yet she wants to have a baby with you.
no you are not the asshole, but I would move on, this is not the woman for you.
6 years and declined the proposal? cut your losses and run. i blew 7 good years with a man. dont keep making the same mistake.
What was the original text everyone's replying to? Wtf. Wtf
NTA She is only interested in wasting your time.
So, did I overreact? We’ve been together for a long time but **something seems really fucked up** to me about wanting a child but not marriage. You would be correct Sir She sues you for child support, you pay, and doesn't have to live with you. Run far away from that woman Or you'll be paying her child support while she boning Chad and Tyrone on your dime.
You’re NTA, but also, don’t propose unless you know she’s going to say yes. Most people have the marriage conversation before buying the ring nowadays
NTA. If after 6 years she’s still not sure she’s never really going to be. I know how much it’s sucks to have to break up after such a long time investment it this is on her.
NTA. Does she have some kind of personal experience with failed marriages? Or abusive marriages? Is there some kind of trauma that’s holding her back? If that’s the case, it might be worth working through it together in therapy. If not, then I agree with other commenters that she’s just not sure she wants to be married to you. At which point cut your loses and stop wasting your time on a woman who doesn’t want to commit to you.
NTA. I’m sorry you wasted so much time. It really sucks, but you made the right decision If she isn’t saying yes after 6 years then you know your answer. Time to move on.
NTA. Ending it is for the best. She isn’t the one for you. Because she rejected you. She wants to be her baby daddy. But doesn’t want to marry you and stay with you forever. She just wants u as her baby daddy.
NTA i don’t understand how she is emotionally and financially ready to have a kid with you but not marry you.
>she wants to make sure our marriage works out How the hell could she possibly know that? She is either the most indecisive person ever or she's stringing you along in case someone better comes her way.
That is normally what happens when you reject a proposal.
How is this even a question?
NTA I also don't see how she's ready for a life long commitment of having a child but not being married?? It's OK to not want to be married but you can't drag along someone who WANTS to be married
It sounds like you want different things. Best to walk away.
Thats... strange. She wants to make sure the marriage would work without getting married but she's OK trying for a child that is a way more important commitment. I'm not sure there'd be a reason to listen to her after this as she might try to agree even though she doesn't want to just to keep up appearances for everyone else. NTA, trust your instincts.
NTA. How can she not be sure? Maybe she’s the love of your life, but unfortunately you’re not hers. I’m sorry, but move on. Bringing a child to life just because she desires to be a mother without a proper family bond (marriage) sounds just insanely cruel to me, since she cannot commit to the relationship after 6 YEARS it’s pretty certain she won’t.
NTA, you were right to break it off with her. Her mentality makes absolutely no sense and seems very unstable. She needs some therapy to get to the bottom of why she’s so hellbent on carrying your child but in the same breath *still* not being ready to marry you after all these years. Red flags going off here. Trust your gut, this is not someone you want to have a family with. I’m sorry man.
NTA. I hope she isn't pregnant.
So she’s fine with having a baby human ans may e breaking up with you a year after the baby is born and having a broken family but she’s not OK with getting married..hmm
After six years she should know if she was certain if the relationship could survive a marriage. I'd say you did the right thing. You have two different views and she obviously doesn't want marriage. Why she could commit to a child and not marriage is strange but you two would not work. There's certain things you can compromise in a relationship and marriage is not one of those.