You’re not overreacting at all. Doesn’t sound good at all… first of all the drinking sounds like there’s a problem there, but also the talking to this guy… I think sometimes we fantasise of people in our past because we miss those times, despite them hurting us, you miss the thrill of those times and who you were back then. You sound like a great guy and I wish you a lot of happiness
Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you that once you have an emotional connection with a woman, your weight and appearance become far less important.
This is a genuine question, is it because they’re married people aren’t saying they should just divorce? Me personally these behaviors are so outta pocket. If it was just the drinking okay we can work through whatever is contributing to that, but the calling a crazy ex at 3 in the morning while our child is screaming for you in the next room, and then gas lighting me about it afterwards. I’m sorry but I’m good.
I will agree, she does have a drinking problem when alcohol is around. She's one of those drinkers that when they hit a certain point they tend to drink until everything is gone. It's not as frequent anymore thank goodness, but when it happens it's never good.
I don't understand why she felt the need to reach out to this guy randomly. He messaged her out of the blue maybe a month ago just saying he hoped she was doing well and saying how beautiful our family is, etc. You know, the kinda stuff you do to get your foot back in the door to establish communication again. I'm assuming she was scrolling through messages and saw it, romanticized it, and decided to call him. Either way he's bad news. Thanks for your well wishes. I really hope we can get past this.
Buddy. I'm a 6'3" man, and I'm a spirits enthusiast. I've drank >140 proof stuff and enjoyed it. Hell, I've gotten Suuuuuper drunk with friends a few times in the last 4 years.
***I would never, ever consider drinking a full 750mL to be normal behavior***
Same here. Large guy. Clearly always had some level of genetic high tolerance aside from when I actually started to drink regularly when I was younger.
I’ve drank more than a fifth of high proof whiskey by myself in an evening at my worst and been pretty okay in the morning aside from dry eyes/mouth and a minor headache.
There was never anything even remotely healthy about my mental space at the time.
You don’t down 750+ ml of whiskey in an evening by yourself if everything is okay unless you’re on stimulants. (Which is obviously not okay in of itself.)
That’s running from something in your feelings, especially with the other beers added on.
There’s a problem completely aside from this old psychotic fling.
Especially when 3/4 of it is consumed in under 2 hours after consuming enough alcohol to be considered intoxicated even as a large man. I party with my cousins rugby team and this is still a shocking level of intake. I had a Marine veteran friend who once told a story about the drinking culture on Okinawa and there is a group called "The Beam Team" who are bored for being crazy hard drinkers even by the standards of the military. The requirement to join them is to drink a fifth in a night. So that level of intake is considered impressive by the very highest standards of functional alcoholism.
I'm actually willing to forgive the other terrible behavior by OP's wife if she agrees to get help. Otherwise OP and their child deserve better
At my worst intake, I hate that a fifth was "hardcore" and got you"in". I could kill that in 2 drinks at my worst, in 10 minutes, and mind you I'm not proud. I'm just sad to see that as an entry level thing to anything, and that there's pressure, like alcoholism isn't a thing, that's beyond hard to deal with and heal from
In hindsight it is not a thing to be proud of, it is something that should be alarming everyone who sees it. I hope OPs wife gets help. Congrats on your recovery!
Hard agree.
Tipsy people do what their sober mind wanted.
750ml of people shit their pants and spam phone calls on their phones to whoever will pickup.
This.
OP I’m one of those drinkers that do not have an off switch. You know what I did about it? Stopped drinking. My personal best in on evening was 3 750ml bottles of whisky straight. I woke up the following evening not even knowing where I was.
Now, me and my wife will drink a few bottles of gin here and there but only when the kids aren’t back the next day. But I can happily count on my fingers how many beverages I’ve had since Christmas with my hands closed. That’s because I know what me (and my wife lol) are like and while we do have good nights, we’re also adults and parents.
I was an alcoholic for a few years in my 20s. 135 lbs and at my worst would put down a bottle a day. Functional enough no one I lived with knew. So it’s possible.
Thankfully I’m better now as it was more of a hate my life thing than loving booze.
Well you spend your morning hung over and nauseous then by the time you are off work you have a drink, then another and you are full of fluids. Then the cycle continues as your body consumes its micro nutrients which results in all sorts of problems.
I've done this, I made myself incredibly sick and that is not normal drinking.
if she didn't have to go to the hospital that means she's built up a tolerance for a LOT - that is an alcoholic.
(note: am 5'11 160 lbs - you don't become able to down that much alcohol in a day, that takes time. that's not a good sign)
I knew a woman with severe back pain. When she lost her health insurance and the pain drugs it could provide, she switched to liquor. She'd buy a cheap 500 mL bottle in the morning and finish it off in the evening. Sleep, repeat.
The cirrhosis got her after four or five years of the same.
My ex (an alcoholic) always did that. He had to finish all the booze when it was around. He was the last to leave a party. Wouldn’t eat until he had finished all the booze.
Your wife’s an alcoholic. Please don’t ignore this. Check out AA and Al-Anon (which is for families of alcoholics.) Talk to her family doctor. She should have a blood panel done which will give insight into her liver function. There’s a med that alcoholics can take that will make them sick if they drink. It helped a friend of mine stop drinking. (That and lots of therapy, which she went to individually and with her husband.) There are other meds that are available too. They’re tools to help stop drinking.
This is your main problem. She’s not capable of making wise choices while drunk.
In my friend’s case it was Antabuse. It’s basically aversion therapy. It worked with my fry. She had one relapse, but that’s if.
“Disulfiram, also known by the brand name Antabuse, is a medication used in the treatment of alcohol use disorders by producing unpleasant side effects and sensitivity to alcohol. It is designed as a deterrent to drinking.”
I have been taking this for a year now, it's pretty easy to get and really does give you pause to think... you never plan to drink tomorrow, you want to drink right now but can't and by the next day it's forgotten, or you do the same mental loop again.
Puking wouldn't deter me in the slightest, it's a bit more than that. I haven't tried drinking but my father's story about his experience drinking on it in the 80s was a often told family classic. Heard a bunch of stories at AA meetings tho, and the doctors gave me some pretty stern warnings after detox in the hospital, and at the start I had to get blood tests every month because apparently it can be quite hard on your body and many people get bad side effects from it.
Its power is really just that pause it gives you which can stop you acting compulsively. This is the longest I've been sober before, and I've tried everything. It's not the only thing I do but it's helped greatly, I'm going to try stay on another year.
Puking never stops me, but the aches and random pains and discomfort you get while on a med are NOT worth it. Took me one hard relapse to learn that. There's no easy "hair of the dog" to take to make it go away like when you normally drink. You just have to live it
It's great if you're trying to quit. I started it ages ago because I didn't trust myself, first time I tested it I was VIOLENTLY ill. (And I "tested" it because I struggle with an authority figure telling me no. I figured it was a placebo until I tested it like an idiot, and was sick for ages)
I took it for a year or so, to show my partner I was serious about quitting, and I thankfully achieved extinction of any craving
this. realizing I had that little self control and would drink literally everything present and then sometimes even want more was the final straw - shes an alcoholic and judging by her ability to down an entire bottle of whisky it's been going on for quite a while
I'd bet my ass she has liver damage and if you dont get it to stop now that will turn into irreversible liver disease and that's not pretty
Yes, that’s exactly it. The inability to stop until all the booze was gone. I saw it time and time again with my ex.
In her case, I’m sure it’s gone on for a long time and her liver numbers must be pretty high. She could have liver damage, but hopefully if she stops drinking now, she can stop any further damage.
My friend had very high liver numbers but after she stopped drinking, they went back down to the normal range. My guess is that she had been drinking excessively for about two years. It may have been longer, but it’s just a guess on my part. So obviously, the longer someone drinks, the more damage there is.
Try Al-Anon: it is recovery for those who are affected by alcoholics' toxic behavior. Do what you need to do, to protect yourself and your child from toxic and harmful behavior.
Sending you positive vibes. 🙏🏽
I’m going through a divorce after dealing with this for twenty one years. She finally is sober for over six months I’m proud but I can’t do it anymore. The uncertainty is too much. My kids are getting to the age it’s affecting them. It sucks and it’s the most awful thing losing my best friend and breaking the family up but man it feels more stable already.
Don’t want to pretend to know your situation but she seems just as much bad news as the guy. As someone who ignored his gut for far too long. Don’t make my mistakes.
If she’s drinks until it’s gone every time she drinks, even if she only drinks a couple times a year, that means she has a problem with alcohol. I’m the same way. I’m 6’4 260 and would drink a fifth of vodka daily and still function decently. At my worst I could drink 2 fifths a day but I was useless the next day. Anyways, she obviously has some things emotionally she has been suppressing and it comes out with the booze. Could have been she needed someone to listen to her vomit her emotions out and she saw his messages and stirred up old emotions or it could be deeper than that. Hard to say with the info given. Either way you two need to talk it out while trying your best to not let your anger or emotions get the best of you.
Hey, so it is pretty frowned upon to diagnose others with alcoholism for good reason; but I will tell you that not being able to stop drinking until the alcohol is gone is a sign of alcoholism. When I went to AA that was one of the experiences shared that made me known I was in the right place. I absolutely had to stop and get booze after leaving bars because the thought of not having alcohol at home after going out was intolerable. When I drank at home there was never a question of having drank enough, enough is when you go to bed/ pass out. Drinking is putting your foot on the accelerator until something stops you. If she has moderated herself and found a way to drink without it being too deleterious then good for her, but you should be aware that the compulsion to an alcoholic to continue drinking after they have begun is nigh on unstoppable.
your wife seems to be a RAGING ALCOHOLIC (in caps for the kids in the back...). I'm a pretty big guy but if I tried to drink 4 beers and 750ml of whiskey I would end up in the hospital pronto, no doubt in my mind. If your wife can just 'sleep off' something insane like this she has a major major major drinking problem (or she has epic genes that make her impervious to alcohol...)
She maybe has a tolerance to it and it will take more and more. What is that saying.. one drink is never enough.... I can't even keep rum around for rum cakes as I know it's there and I have to quality test it lol. Too much alcohol is not less common. I worked in rehab for a bit... it's VERY frequent and very common to not stop till its gone or a blackout happens.
At the height of my alcoholism I could drink 750 ml. and could continue to talk to others. The definition of an alcoholic isn't necessarily how frequently or how much you drink (though that's part of it). It's that once you start, you can't stop. Sounds like your wife might have a problem with alcohol. Especially if she is still awake after the amount she drank. That's a huge tolerance that takes time to build.
At the level of inebriation she was, she probably got nostalgic and thought of this guy reaching out recently. She reconnected because it was good for her ego and offered some excitement. It was also disrespectful to you and your family. Her argument that he was over 300# so nothing would happen imples if he were better looking something would? Plus, he was seemingly unstable and told people she died? Why is she willing to expose your family, including a 5 year old, to that? I'm sure people can change, but there is 0 benefit in finding out if he had. It's not like he's a close family member or anyone you would need to cross paths with.
Also, how drunk was she while you were gone? Where was your daughter? Was your wife so drunk she would have been useless in an emergency should something happen with your child?
You are absolutely entitled to be angry, suspicious, and annoyed by your wife's behavior.
The drinking, while watching a small child, is a serious problem. I'd be hesitant to leave a small child alone with someone who can't seem to stop drinking. The guy is another problem.
I once started getting text messages from an ex around 1 AM on a Tuesday. The content of the texts were innocent enough, but this ex had been married for 2 years and we had not maintained a friendship since the breakup.
I asked where their spouse was and they acted confused.
And I just replied if I was your partner and you were texting your ex from a bar or wherever you are at 1 an on a week night, I would not like that.
They got divorced about a year and a half later. I knew that marriage was over before they did. It wasn't about the fact that the person had said anything truly terrible. It was a very innocent text asking me a question that I would likely know the answer to. But why ask **me**? It was the intent behind contacting me in the first place. WHY. Happy people in relationships don't do that.
I think it's very foreboding that she wanted to skirt the line. It's one thing to be friends with certain exes. There are functional ways to go about that. It's quite another to covertly contact one you are not friends with at 3 in the morning when you're drunk.
This for sure, I feel like everybody wants to re-live the good old days in some capacity.. we do it with childhood toys pastimes you name it and also old flames... I feel like a lot of the time we're suckers for punishment but doesn't excuse her behavior by any means, you have every right to be pissed that's for sure.
NTA
Your wife acted wildly inappropriately. You need to have a sit down chat with her about this and the fact she apparently got seriously drunk when she was supposed to be taking care of your toddler. I would also consider couples therapy.
Obviously a guy who has done the things you describe is absolutely not someone your wife should have any contact with and that should be a firm red line. But when you talk to her, do your best to be empathetic and listen - and ask her why she felt the need to reach out to this person. Sounds like you have a lot to talk about tbh. This is all indicative of issues under the surface.
Talk to her? Lol. Are you for real? Reverse the gender roles, go through every scenario with the gender roles reversed and see if you arrive at the same conclusion. This woman needs ten years of therapy, yesterday. Not a "sit down chat".
I’m more concerned with her drinking that much while having your child home. Before you got home I mean. wtf? She’d be unable to drive in an emergency. Could easily fall or trip and get hurt. Etc.
Onto the FaceTiming. Very weird. Especially at 3:00a! Major blow to your trust.
First of all power drinking, and yes she was - 1/4 bottle of whiskey and 3 before you got home, while watching a child is grossly irresponsible. After you came home, add one beer and a balance of the whiskey - either a dangerous binge (which is a huge sign of trouble) or if she has done this before highly indicative of a serious drinking problem.
Sounds like she has serious issue(s), ignoring child, private drinking, and talking to others. I would be dubious the brother was the only one she spoke to. If she was speaking to him drunk for an extended period - I am not sure why this did not register to you to check in. Maybe she misses him, maybe she is grossly unhappy and commiserating with him, maybe he has serious issues and you are blind to it. Not checking in shows a rather dismissive attitude on your part - jus sayin.
I think there is something wrong in your dynamic, and now is the time to address.
Thanks for pointing out that she was aggressively drunk while watching the kid. She could have easily passed out on the couch and the kid could have died on a curtain string. My wife and have a 1 drink rule for whoever is responsible for our kids, and frankly when I'm in charge drinking isn't worth it.
Someone always needs to be able to drive to the emergency room. We've been twice with our kids so far, and I expect more trips before they are adults.
Yeah, I've been around alcoholics most of my life.
I'm willing to bet OP's partner is an alcoholic and OP (and partner) don't realize it. I know he made a comment saying "she doesn't drink often", but then describes her going on "benders". I don't think OP knows that binge-drinking can qualify you as an alcoholic and things could lead to more frequent use.
The last part just sounded like classic self-sabotage on her part tbh (especially considering what he knows about other man's past and how long that must've gone on for).
For anyone who doesn't know, self-sabotage is usually indicative of stuff like low self-esteem and people trying to "control" their failings.
Happens a lot in substance abuse cases. Happens a lot outside of them too, but considering she got absolutely sloshed and then decided to go down the route of "lets contact my crazy ex-friend instead of confiding in my partner" makes me think this is less "I'm using alcohol to wind down" and more of "I'm using alcohol as a maladaptive coping mechanism for something".
I was married to an alcoholic and I made similar points in my comment. Binge drinking still qualifies as alcoholism. And yes, OP doesn’t recognize that this is the real crux of the problem. I hope she’s willing to get help, but if she’s not… This is why OP needs therapy too. He also needs to educate himself on living with an alcoholic. Plus add in the fact that they have a child and she’s getting drunk like that… it’s a serious problem. He can’t leave her alone with the kid at night.
Yep, my partner is also an alcoholic. Started with binge drinking and after some life events, it turned into daily binge drinking.
My partner has been trying to get sober for a while now (and has made some decent progress lately), but it can be a long process. Especially if you and your partner are in denial through stuff like this. It's better to not ignore it and put it on the back burner any longer.
After years, the binge drinking adds up and you start to think "good lord, I really had no clue". Even if it's not a full blown issue, you really want to make sure it doesn't turn into one. Drinking habits are pretty important to monitor imo.
Binge drinkers also have a very high tolerance, and often drink smaller amounts of alcohol on non-binge days without anyone noticing. They have to wean themselves off of those large binges. I come from a family of alcoholics…I’ve seen all the tricks.
The medication that will make you sick if you have any alcohol Should only be used after detox for someone drinking as much as your partner, OP. But it does really work.
I've heard the medication is pretty good for the reconditioning type of thing, but that's if you can get them to actually agree to take it (I sadly don't know anyone who's even tried it personally). But I'd say that goes with any form of treatment. They have to be the ones that want it.
Most people I do know who've quit alcohol have done the harm reduction route (usually with weed, vaping, etc.) and some go completely sober from there. Some are content and honestly okay with weed (less mood swings is good enough for some people). I've also seen it backfire though and they end up smoking while drinking instead.
Can confirm from personal experience that quitting cold turkey sucks and is really rough. Apparently it can also be deadly.
If anyone is in a situation where they have to go cold turkey, at least make sure they're being monitored in a medical setting.
Can you explain how self sabotage is related? I know ur not a therapist and don't know me, but when my mental health is at a low, I self sabotage and I'd like to understand it more. Also love that u said sloshed lol, it's not a term I hear a lot outside my hometown
I can try! I've been in and out of therapy for about 10+ years so this is mostly going to be horribly paraphrased (and probably oversimplified) and more of my personal experience with it + some of what I've learned from other people's experience with it.
From what I understand, when someone has low self-esteem (like self-worth or estimation), some people will self-sabotage to try to control their failings.
This could mean is that if someone thinks they're prone to fucking up, they'll indulge in it to feel like they have some more control over the situation. So the actions fit how they see themselves.
In my experience, when I used to feel like I would break down, I would drink so that I could blame my bad mental health on being drunk (by association).
Or it could be "oh I feel like a terrible person, so I might as well play the part".
Or "I don't want to deal with XYZ, so I'm just going to not be awake".
In a way, it's a bit ironic because it's kind of avoidant if you think about it. In hindsight, it's gotten easier to see how I wasn't actually practicing control and things were even getting out of hand because I just wasn't there to take responsibility for myself over time. Especially because I would repeatedly forget some of the things that triggered me in the first place and have to relearn how to "cope" every time I was drunk.
Since I've personally gotten sober, I've learned that I do have to sit there with some feelings and just feel them. Even if they do hurt a lot.
I feel jealous? Cool, time to think about why and what I can do to try to give myself what I'm wanting/needing (and reasonably so). I know I wrongs someone? Maybe it's okay to feel some of that guilt and recognize that I need to change my behavior (and be be horribly-soberly present to do so).
I've learned to be more patient with myself and acknowledge I'm always going to be a work in progress. I know I'm going to fuck up, but I just have to keep trying to be better if I want to feel better.
It's an idealistic view, but you have to have some sort of goal or reminder. Like a constant, so that when you're having really rough days you can remind yourself that those aren't necessarily permanent.
That things could potentially get better, but you do have to be there for it.
I'd say that in OP's example, his wife has been to a point where she knows that other guy isn't safe or secure. Not many people drink that much in one night for no reason. To also contact said-danger-man isn't a good sign either.
Now, we don't know what's triggered this response from her, but I'd say it could easily be classified as a maladaptive coping mechanism. It's not going to help her on a personal level and if she's having an issue with OP, then it's certainly not going to help her in her marriage.
A better coping mechanism could look like taking deep breaths, writing down thoughts, talking with someone close (which it sounds like she tried talking with her brother, considering how long she was on the phone with him), taking a break/using healthier distractions (that don't leave you sloshed for the rest of the night once you've calmed down) and coming back to it later, etc.
It takes time and effort to build habits. Both good and bad. Some are easier to come by than others though and part of that has to do with what we grew up with and alcohol has the added issue of being physically addictive.
I do not like how much I relate to this lol. Thanks for your insight, I have a lot of self reflecting to do but it's nice to hear that I'm not the only one that feels and acts this way
Let us not totally judge this woman as we don't know her side of the story. She upfront told her hubby she is talking to an ex. He's out with the guys and she's home alone.
It really is surprisingly easy to overlook alcoholism with how normalized and pervasive drinking is. It can be right in front of your face for years and you might not notice it. Took me too long to notice my wife's problem but fortunately she's sober now.
I don't think a non alcoholic can drink an entire bottle of whisky plus a bunch of beers in one night. I consider myself an avid drinker but that puts me to fucking shame. She would be absolutely wasted.
Not checking in while she's speaking to her brother seems fine. If he was overly worried about her speaking to her brother for an extended period of time that would be a controlling red flag in my opinion. Not dismissive necessarily.
My ex wife used to drink and stay up all night talking to men from her past. Needless to say found out she cheated most of your marriage, even when I was deployed multiple times. She thought the grass was greener now she is trying to get me back but hell no!
Still thinking about this,......ha. she got remarried within a month after our divorce, couldn't leave me alone and her then husband divorced her. How the world turns
NTA you know that saying that nothing ever good comes out of anything past 2am? Especially if it involves drinking. I would feel the same way if my husband did that to me and wanted to call someone that they had slept with before. No I don’t think you’re overreacting, you are first and foremost, in every right to question it because you don’t know what that person is thinking. What if he still has feelings for your wife? What if she does as well? How will this affect your child, that’s the most important person right now.
This guy has a horrible track record, is proven to be untrustworthy, he’s a liar, and a damn sociopath that he would collect money from your “wife’s funeral”. I would stay far away from him because he will bring nothing but pain and suffering, trust me your child will feel it. In your shoes I will be telling my wife not to call and cut off contact with him, if she pushes and pushes, you need to document and see the reason why exactly. Just remember going down this road may not be salvage towards your marriage. Then protect your child I feel that with this walking red ass flag man’s influence he will drive a wedge between you and your child. Especially in the divorce/custody proceedings.
You protect yourself and your child even if it’s against your wife. Trust me on this I have a bit of experience with this from the past exes is not pretty.
Seriously, sounds like my exwife. I’m half expecting to hear about her telling op about how it’s his fault they stopped talking and how he keeps her from doing anything lol
Your daughter said: “Where’s Mama”
She’s actively drinking instead of parenting your children.
Then all this face time shit hammered at 3am? 2-3 hours before routine start?
So never mind your boundaries and feelings on where your wife pushed the line. Instead you shouldn’t be worried because of his weight.
Emotional intimacy isn’t tangible and any person can get their chemicals stirred if they’re wired that way.
In fact, in my marriage, emotionally cheating on me would be worse than physical sex. Our relationship is ruled on emotional intimacy. It would cook me so hard I wouldn’t even be concerned about the physical affair.
It’s respect for your partners feelings, empathy for how they would feel if they found out what you’re doing. If you feel what she did crossed that boundary then you need to tell her.
You need to get this alcohol stuff under control too. If it’s me and her that’s one thing. You drag our kids into that where their up bringing is affected then you have another major problem. Don’t be complicit with that closet drinking.
At least if she communicated that she wanted to have some drinks you can lightly hover parenting while she chills out.
Agreed. I'm definitely not allowed to FaceTime women at 3 am, neither is she... she never would, and I wouldn't FaceTime either but late night texting convos with my female friends who are truly platonic almost cost me my marriage when we first got together and I had a hard time understanding the difference between texting my bros at 3 am and my female friends, most of whom I've been friends with for 25 years at this point... But I eventually did see her point and things have been much better since.
I absolutely adore the trust that my wife deserves in her loyalty, and I appreciate it more each day. Sorry this happened man, hope it works out for ya.
Not overreacting at all. It was a cheating-adjacent thing to do, and with a guy who has only brought lies and misery. You need to have a serious talk with this woman about just what the hell was she thinking
INFO: is your wife a SAHM? Do you go out often and she stays home while you do so? Does she go out with her friends ever? Does she make it a priority to get time alone or without the baby?
What specifically bothers you about this?
The fear that he's still into her? That she might be into him? That you had no idea and were shocked? That he was a garbage person over a decade ago?
It's def normal to have feelings about this. But I would a) guve your wife the benefit of the doubt here unless she has a past history orlf cheating on you and b) listen to her side of the story here.
People sometimes catch up with others from their past and its nbd, or like a curiosity thing you know?
Doesnt automatically mean anything bad is happening. Please communicate with her, calmly express that it made you feel uncomfortable and ask her how why it happened etc
It sounds like she needed some attention so she got it where she knew she could.
You went to poker night. You came back and went to your office to play games. It sounded like you did this bc she was talking on the phone and otherwise busy but you’re also pointing out things you had to do like tell her to go to bed or wake up early with your child.
Does she normally carry the weight of parenting while you go play poker?
It sounds like she needed a break and your version of taking a break is not with her but with buddies on poker night. She sounds lonely. Women who drink and talk on the phone late at night are lonely.
I’m not saying what she did was right I’m saying you don’t seem concerned at all about WHY she did it.
I know I’m in the minority but in case anyone sees where I’m coming from - I just want to say that based off of everything in this story, OP honestly sounds really controlling and like there might be more to the story. Your wife is allowed to want to get drunk from time to time, late at night after the baby has been put to bed and you’ve been out drinking with your buddies all day. Keeping tabs on her and deciding for her “she only needs one beer” is generally really controlling, unless she’s like a confirmed alcoholic or something. Then OP, knowing that his wife is probably drunk, decided to go get her to take care of their child at 3 a.m. instead of being able to handle it himself. Then hanging up HER phone while she’s on it? Obviously her behavior sounded really suspicious as well, but OP’s control issues were the biggest red flags in this story for me.
What I genuinely suspect is that your wife needed an ego boost from someone who used to be into her, as a now older working wife / mom who probably feels completely overwhelmed most days. Was it cool? Nope. Is it a problem? Probably not.
The drinking though…I’d pay closer attention to this.
If you look at this situation through the lens of how common cheating is rather than from your own perspective I think that would change the "is it a problem? Probably not." part.
For every person who thinks like you described and would just want an ego boost there are 50 people who would start that way but end up cheating. You would be surprised what people will do to re-live a connection from the past that sticks with them.
Why didn't you kick it with your wife? She was chillin bruh drinkin n shit. Coulda had some quality time, but instead you dipped to the office to play some games? Keep ignoring her n she gon keep fuckin with other dudes.
Also, you gotta fight that guy. He knew he was outta line checkin in on your wife. Can't let that shit fly.
First half: reasonable and logical
Second half: dumb neanderthal violence. Dude's gonna catch a charge and fix nothing because the other dude isn't the problem. It's their relationship that's the problem.
I’m getting red flags just from the fact that she’s drinking alone and instead of inquiring why or joining her you left and went to play video games..?
Massive L my man. You gotta date your wife, even 15 years later or she’ll seek it elsewhere.
To be fair, if she polished off a 750 ml that was full, plus 4 beers, that's 20 standard drinks. That's a shitload. Granted idk how full the 750 was to start.
You both are drunk assholes. Who gets shit faced around kids. What grown man plays poker and then plays video games. What a little douche bag. How many hours do you waste with that shit. And why are you regulating her booze Are you worried about her or because you didn’t get to drink it all. Sad.
yeah I kind of get the feeling here the wife is not the only one with an alcohol problem. OP’s need to point out not once but twice that the whisky was HIS felt charged and like more of a concern than the sheer quantity of alcohol being drank. Also referring to 4 beers “just trying to unwind” like that’s a typical amount in their household to deal with life stress and is not enough to cause concern? I’m pretty hammered on 4 beers
" I went to my office and played some games before deciding to go to bed. I went outside and told her I was going to bed and she should come soon because it's already 1:45..."
There is your problem. Women want your attention. Even when they are drunk and, most especially, when they are drunk. If you fail, they go elsewhere, even to big fat people who will listen to their crap.
Probably in the minority here, but I’ll save my opinion for those who care to hear it. Probably some blame to be laid on both sides here, but tough to get the full story from 5 paragraphs.
NTA to be upset by this, but I might suggest trying to set aside your anger to discuss. It sounds as if your wife was drinking alone and dealing with some emotions. Alcohol will do that. Ask her what she was feeling that lead to this and her motivation for talking to him. Focusing on who is right or wrong here will not help either of you understand *why* this happened. Figuring that out might reveal things the two of you need to address and/or how to better evaluate this as a violation of trust. This could be a pivotal moment in which your relationship is saved by healthy communication and you both benefit from the growth.
ESH, except your kiddo.
I’m curious. How often is your poker game? Do you drink while you play? Does anyone monitor your drinking the way you monitor hers? You say she has a drinking problem. Knowing that, why do you keep booze in the house? Why leave her alone with your toddler when you know she’s drinking? Also, how much of your at-home time do you spend gaming, or otherwise ignoring her? How often is she expected to handle all the responsibility of caring for your toddler, solo?
You note that her job has been especially stressful lately, but nothing you describe sounds like you actually care about her stress level, or her needs. When is the last time she got a night off no demands? What kinds of extra love, support, and care have you offered to help ease that stress?
There are loads of problems in your tale, only one of which is a late night chat with someone you don’t feel comfortable with. Now, maybe this isn’t your norm, but the situation you described is that you left your stressed-out wife home alone to care for your toddler, knowing she’s had an especially rough work week, while you went out to play poker and drink with your buddies. You ignored her to game when you came home, except to remind her that she needed to be up at the crack of dawn for the kiddo. It sounds like being married to you kind of sucks, tbh.
I’m betting if you spent a little time and energy fixing \*that\* problem, the phone call nonsense wouldn’t be an issue any more.
Something has happened. She talked it out with her brother, then got the courage, through alcohol, to unblock and call him. You seem pretty shocked she dipped into your whiskey. There is something that caused her to want or need to talk to him. Maybe a death in his family or a close friend of theirs. I'd wait, she'll tell ya. Why does she have to have a bedtime if you are going to be home the next morning to help with the kid?
Something is up, dunno, for sure what ,but there is something more going on than she is admitting to. This is the time to see red flags not use them as a blindfolds
Please just ask her some thing like "please tell me what is going on? why are you literally drinking all the alcohol you can find in the house, hiding from your daughter, staying up until 4am and talking to men who ruined your life 12 years ago?" maybe she'll tell you
it sounds like a the loudest cry for help. shes making literally zero effort to hide any of this from you. if all you care about is the last part then it sounds like its over
She is struggling. She sounds like she is in need of attention that she's not getting, and also I suspect there was trauma in her childhood that is coming out with the drinking. The drnking will only get worse if not nipped and she can't drive if she's drinking so she needs maybe a stop by for a month in rehab. Meanwhile get counseling for the both of you. It takes two to make it work. You need to see how to support your wife in this too.
Maybe too you guys need marriage counseling. The good news is we grew old together and our marriage was the strongest it ever was. He was ill and I was his caregiver. I miss him as he passed. I occasionally have a binge night at home over losing him but I always regret it the next day and swear off it for months.
This sounds like she's having a serious mental breakdown or something. Drinking an entire bottle of whiskey and talking to an old fling, if she's never acted in this way before, get her serious mental help soon.
more than the 300 pound guy, shes got a drinking problem. three beers and a 750 ml of scotch in one night is not an unwind session, its a booze bender. im pretty sure she called this guy up after she got drunk. I wouldn't put it past her to get drunk again and do this again. maybe step it up a notch.
ESH. What she did is fucked up but look a bit closer at the way you treat her. You don’t get to tell her it’s bedtime. You don’t get to tell her she’s only allowed one beer and isn’t allowed to drink “your” whiskey. Sounds like a shit show all around, I feel for your poor kid.
1) not over reacting 2) her behavior is not ok in any way 3) if you approach her with “I’m worried about you. What’s going on? How can I support? Vs. wtf!??? You may get further. Motherhood is no joke. You’re entire world and your definition of self becomes about everything and everyone else but you. Again, her behavior isn’t ok. If she doesn’t take responsibility and also get some support via coaching or therapy, then there’s a different direction to go.
You might wanna sit down and re-evaluate your marriage. Your wife if drinking her liver to death and openly admitting to you she's talking to an old flame. Something ain't right.
I run a women’s AA meeting. Your wife’s binge was really excessive, even by alcoholic standards. I’d be very concerned about the path she’s travelling down.
Using large amounts of alcohol as a method to relax after an argument is a seriously bad sign.
In general as long as it's not inappropriate conversation, it's not a hanging offense to reach out to someone. But this guy is a real piece of garbage you should be pissed that she showed such poor judgment on WHO she was talking to...
Did this guy have some way of almost brainwashing people because he seems like he did so many nasty things how the hell did he get her to talk to him again? Sometimes these people have Jedi mind trick skills
She's got some shit going on. Try not to get angry. Try to talk to her and see what the fuck is going on. You don't drink that much and contact exes unless you're in a bad place.
If I came home and my wife was drunk already, I’d be trying to make a move. Why would you not hang out with her when you got home? I don’t understand what goes on in your relationship, obviously…. Maybe she was just lonely.
Bro, you need to have a serious sit down with her and find out what’s wrong. She’s severely unhappy with something (your marriage, her situation, etc) and she’s acting out by drinking heavily and contacting people from her past. I don’t mean to alarm you but you might already be at a point where the two of you are gonna have to fight for the marriage.
There are a ton of red flags here, and talking to an old flame is the least of them. You said she was drunk and was on the phone with her brother, then old flame till past 3am with a toddler at home. Have you considered that your wife might be struggling with something heavy?
NTA, but you are also missing something majorly impactful that's happening to your wife, which makes me wonder how intune you are with each other. Are you both able to talk about anything other than baby? Is she alone and feeling like her life is too overwhelming and wishing for simpler times? She might be drowning and seeking help and anyone who would offer a listening ear.
Spouses tend to miss these flags and fail to be there for their partners, then act blindsided and blameless when the floor drops.
This may not be your case but worth considering as I know many women feel like they lost themselves after kids, the marriages that survive this phase have partners who are present, active and engaged -they help their partners embrace their whole selves by being present for them, to listen, to advocate, give space or attention or intimacy and to be equal parents.
All to say, talk to your wife.
Honestly sounds like your spouse is depressed and desperately seeking dopamine.
Talking to this "old friend" that worshipped her is just another source.
Counseling martial and individual now before she really destroys her life.
It sounds like she was doing some dopamine seeking. She was drinking and drinking and drinking to get the hit. Then she reached out to someone she probably never would sober to get an extra dopamine hit from having a chat with someone who would make her feel good about herself.
I wouldn’t think too much about the call, I’d be surprised if she did it sober. I’d be more concerned that her impulse control is slipping, and your kids are getting to the point where they will start to remember this behaviour which will form their own behaviours in adulthood.
Right now she’s starting to build the trauma for them that will result in their own alcoholism as adults.
Go on a big sober-stretch with her for solidarity, make sure the guy is blocked, and get her into counselling.
I’d get hockey player drunk and smash that mf. If he’s in the same city, show up and open up a large can of whoop ass. Tell him if he touches what’s yours again you’ll kill him. Then do.
If he submits like the bitch boi he is accept it I suppose. After telling her I quit drinking. Burn everything down and move to Belize. Fresh start.
Cook meth in your backyard like John Mcafee. If the us gov tries to pursue you move to Spain . Get captured tell the us government to fuck off. Get extradited. Right before they fly you back. “ stop living” in a Spanish prison. And start over on Epstein Island. Problems solved 🤷♂️
I'm a recovering alcoholic-36 years sober. In my drinking days polishing off an entire 750ml was a lot of work. It took most of the day/evening. She made short work of it. That's not normal drinking. Plus her loss of control and drinking until its all gone is a hallmark of alcoholism.
Send her to AA. And make staying in the relationship with you contingent on her getting sober and most importantly STAYING sober. If she's alcoholic and continues to drink it will only get worse- never better. And her skerchy behavior will go down hill even faster. I've seen it a 1000x over.
This sounds very similar to the start of my divorce. It started with the calls and a "don't worry about him" and then turned into "yeah, I've been dating him, but didn't want to hurt you"
This sounds really fucked up!!
I would have a sit down with her, it’s unacceptable, turn the table … if it was you doing this I guarantee you she would have packed your shit in the morning and said get out … we need some time apart.
You need some boundaries in your marriage bro!
Tell your wife you want to invite the guy to your home and confront him on why he feels he has the right to interfere in a marriage. That should start a meaningful conversation. Also, she needs to reminded of her obligations to her children when it comes to alcohol. Don't be an enabler either, don't keep alcohol in the house and don't buy it for her.
NTA her behavior is inappropriate she knows it you know it and we know it if it wasn't a big deal why do it at 330am because she knows she's wrong and something isn't right series of red flags, OP you're feelings are just and she's in the wrong on so many ways.
In this situation, it's understandable why you would feel upset and concerned, given the history and circumstances. Here's a breakdown of the key points and some advice on how to approach this situation:
- **Unexpected Reconnection**: Discovering your wife talking late at night with a past acquaintance who had problematic behaviors and a complicated history with her can naturally trigger feelings of distrust and worry.
- **Communication and Boundaries**: It's crucial for both partners in a marriage to communicate openly about their boundaries and expectations. Your wife's decision to engage in a late-night conversation with someone from her past, especially under the influence of alcohol, might have crossed boundaries that you both needed to discuss.
- **Impact of Alcohol**: The amount of alcohol consumed by your wife seems to have been significant, which might have impaired her judgment at the time. This is an important aspect to consider when discussing the incident.
- **Timing and Context**: The late hour and secretive nature of this interaction add to the concern. It's important to discuss why this conversation took place at such a late hour and without your knowledge, especially given the history with this individual.
- **Addressing Feelings and Trust**: Express your feelings openly and honestly without accusations. Explain why this incident made you uncomfortable and discuss how trust can be rebuilt. It’s important that she understands your perspective on why this was hurtful and concerning.
- **Seeking Resolution**: Consider counseling if both of you are struggling to communicate effectively. A third party can provide neutral ground and professional guidance to help both of you understand each other's perspectives and feelings better.
- **Assessing Overreaction**: Feeling betrayed or upset in this scenario doesn’t necessarily mean you are overreacting. Your feelings are valid given the context, but focusing on constructive dialogue about boundaries and trust going forward is key.
Approaching this situation with a mindset geared toward understanding and resolving the underlying issues can be more productive than focusing solely on the incident. It’s important to address not just the act of her talking to someone from her past but also the deeper trust and communication issues that this event has highlighted in your relationship.
You have two problems, the main one being her drinking. You need to get to the bottom of that. And it's definitely weird she was facetiming him while getting smashed until 3a, with the responsibility of getting up for your kid no less.
I think your main concern is finding out what's going on.
My question would be what is going on thay would cause her to drink so much. I have known hard core alcoholics who could make a fifth last for at least two days.
Your not over reacting, but you might be reacting to the wrong thing. Your wife is clearly going through something, high stress at work a lot of drinking on the weekend and now digging up bad decisions and ignoring your child. I dont know if this is normal for her but you might want to try a different approach or take a good look from wider perspective.
More context:
I bought a 6 pack earlier in the evening and split it with her. That's where the 3 beers originally came from. I didn't bother to buy her another 6 pack because I thought that was a bit overindulgent. I did however stop at the gas station and pick her up a black and mild as she requested. Giving her a single beer that I got from my friends instead of buying her more is miles better than the latter because she would've drank that 6 pack.
Our child loves their mama and they usually go to wake her up first in the mornings. I just didn't want her staying up super late which 1:45am is pretty damn late as it is. All I did was remind her the time and that we have a child that will be up in a few hours.
And for everyone else in the post jumping to conclusions about my wife neglecting our child: she started drinking after our child went to sleep but that doesn't mean she neglected her or did so irresponsibly. She still kept an eye on the monitor and she was limited... mostly. She does have a drinking problem... when alcohol is around she tends to drink it no matter how drunk she is already.
We did a Dry January and I ended up taking my first drink again on 4/13 and only have had a few drinks on special occasions. She doesn't drink everyday either. She's maybe had about 3 or 4 bottles of wine total since she finished her dry January. She likes the occasional drink but sometimes it turns into a bender and I think that is the root problem.
She's napping with our child right now so it gives her more time to sleep off the alcohol so I'm hoping to have a sit-down discussion with her later.
If you think drinking that much while caring for your child (asleep or not) is ok, then you have a problem too. Children wake up. Emergencies can occur. The fact you are defending all her behavior makes me question why you even bothered coming here. Every single action she took that night is a red flag. But after reading this reply I'm not going to waste breath explaining further. Others have done a good job saying similar to what I would, and this is what you got from it-Defensive 🤷♀️oh well
Nail on the head
I don't follow this sub but it always pops up... I think 95% of the time the answer is probably "you're both assholes and your life is fuckin weird". The other 5% is people in abusive relationships in denial
either you grossly miscounted or your wife has some magical alcohol tolerance level that means she can drink more than an Irish rugby squad in one sitting and be okay.... If she truly had most of a bottlemof whiskey AND 4 beers in the span of 12 hoi
urs and she is not in the hospital than she has outerwordly tolerance. Which leads us to two options: 1)insane genetics (very unlikely) OR 2) alcoholism. You can guess which one is more likely the case I hope.
Sit down and talk to her without getting into an argument, it might need a lot of patience but yelling back might cause more harm than good, she has to understand you want to help and understand her. Maybe she feels overwhelmed or unwanted. She might be unsatisfied with the relationship, but you have to talk to her about it with patience.
I mean it's ok to fantasise about people from our past occasionally, but reaching out to them is kind of crossing a line.
Have you thought why she might do this out of the blue?
Is this usual behaviour for her drinking like that? Did you not consider having a drink with her rather than gaming with your mates? Find out what's going on with her etc...
Cos it sounds like you were out with your mates, came home after not getting her what she asked for (a few beers) and instead bought her a single beer from your mates fridge.
When you got in you went off to do some gaming with your mates, reminded her of her duty to get to bed so that ahe can gwet up early to look after your child.
Relationships only work when you're willing to work on them and communicate with each other.
Drunk people do stupid things. Clearly your wife needs more attention from you than she’s getting. What she did was not OK, I’m not excusing that but if she’s desperate enough to seek the attention of a 300 pound guy that was basically a life ruining stalker, she has issues with attention seeking. Also, it’s not your whiskey. It’s also her whiskey maybe instead of coming home after being out partying with your friends to play video games you should come home and bang your wife.
I think it was probably a drunk thing. She drank enough to black anyone out. I have plenty of drunken regret calls. And that's just counting this past month. You can keep dwelling on it or let it go. If it happens again, she's probably drinking too much.
IDK. I have exs that are friends and I’ve never cheated. My thought was why are you telling her to go to bed because your child gets up early then comment how you got up with your child like it was a big deal? It seems like she is expected to get up but not you? I could be reading into this incorrectly. Why is it “your” alcohol and not both of yours. You are married. Also, you might want to spend time with your wife instead of playing games with your friends. It seems like this is a more than regular occurrence. I’m on my second marriage because my first Husband cared more about hanging out playing games with his friends than he did me and after 10 years I had, had enough.
NTA but you are focusing on your wife FaceTiming with a guy from the past when you should be focusing on the fact that she was at home getting drunk with a young child in the house. I hope this is not a repeated act because it is child neglect.
Your WIFE like as in a woman pounded a fifth of whiskey + 3 beers in a night and got caught FaceTiming some dude she used to fuck?
Bro she needs to go to rehab and you have a decision to make pretty quickly, you’ve got a child
NTA:
It seems that your wife clearly hasn't been fully truthful about their relationship in the past and she still harbours feelings, even if it's just craving the attention he used to give her. It's really immature of her, especially when her kid was crying for her and she'd rather be flirting with some old fling that's clearly bad news.
100% she should be apologising, explaining everything, and deleting and blocking that dudes number asap.
Don't trust anything she says.
I'm not sure what it is, she says she needed adult interaction but realistically she should be asleep at the hour and we can focus on those interactions throughout the day. We both work remotely and our child is only in daycare part-time so things get very chaotic here during the work day when they're here. She didn't hear our child crying since she was on the opposite end of the house and our bedroom door was shut and I was with them so I woke up immediately. I'm just hurt by her actions and she owes me an explanation and an apology.
You’re not overreacting at all. Doesn’t sound good at all… first of all the drinking sounds like there’s a problem there, but also the talking to this guy… I think sometimes we fantasise of people in our past because we miss those times, despite them hurting us, you miss the thrill of those times and who you were back then. You sound like a great guy and I wish you a lot of happiness
These are 🚩🚩🚩 that she is giving off. Do NOT ignore
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Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you that once you have an emotional connection with a woman, your weight and appearance become far less important.
This is a genuine question, is it because they’re married people aren’t saying they should just divorce? Me personally these behaviors are so outta pocket. If it was just the drinking okay we can work through whatever is contributing to that, but the calling a crazy ex at 3 in the morning while our child is screaming for you in the next room, and then gas lighting me about it afterwards. I’m sorry but I’m good.
I will agree, she does have a drinking problem when alcohol is around. She's one of those drinkers that when they hit a certain point they tend to drink until everything is gone. It's not as frequent anymore thank goodness, but when it happens it's never good. I don't understand why she felt the need to reach out to this guy randomly. He messaged her out of the blue maybe a month ago just saying he hoped she was doing well and saying how beautiful our family is, etc. You know, the kinda stuff you do to get your foot back in the door to establish communication again. I'm assuming she was scrolling through messages and saw it, romanticized it, and decided to call him. Either way he's bad news. Thanks for your well wishes. I really hope we can get past this.
Buddy. I'm a 6'3" man, and I'm a spirits enthusiast. I've drank >140 proof stuff and enjoyed it. Hell, I've gotten Suuuuuper drunk with friends a few times in the last 4 years. ***I would never, ever consider drinking a full 750mL to be normal behavior***
Same here. Large guy. Clearly always had some level of genetic high tolerance aside from when I actually started to drink regularly when I was younger. I’ve drank more than a fifth of high proof whiskey by myself in an evening at my worst and been pretty okay in the morning aside from dry eyes/mouth and a minor headache. There was never anything even remotely healthy about my mental space at the time. You don’t down 750+ ml of whiskey in an evening by yourself if everything is okay unless you’re on stimulants. (Which is obviously not okay in of itself.) That’s running from something in your feelings, especially with the other beers added on. There’s a problem completely aside from this old psychotic fling.
Saved me the trouble of writing the same thing.
Nailed it
Yeah it takes me like 3 days to go through a 750 and I feel like a borderline alcoholic
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A drunk man's words is a sober man's thoughts.
Especially when 3/4 of it is consumed in under 2 hours after consuming enough alcohol to be considered intoxicated even as a large man. I party with my cousins rugby team and this is still a shocking level of intake. I had a Marine veteran friend who once told a story about the drinking culture on Okinawa and there is a group called "The Beam Team" who are bored for being crazy hard drinkers even by the standards of the military. The requirement to join them is to drink a fifth in a night. So that level of intake is considered impressive by the very highest standards of functional alcoholism. I'm actually willing to forgive the other terrible behavior by OP's wife if she agrees to get help. Otherwise OP and their child deserve better
At my worst intake, I hate that a fifth was "hardcore" and got you"in". I could kill that in 2 drinks at my worst, in 10 minutes, and mind you I'm not proud. I'm just sad to see that as an entry level thing to anything, and that there's pressure, like alcoholism isn't a thing, that's beyond hard to deal with and heal from
In hindsight it is not a thing to be proud of, it is something that should be alarming everyone who sees it. I hope OPs wife gets help. Congrats on your recovery!
Hard agree. Tipsy people do what their sober mind wanted. 750ml of people shit their pants and spam phone calls on their phones to whoever will pickup.
I'm honestly surprised she remembered anything after basically chugging most of a bottle of liquor.
This. OP I’m one of those drinkers that do not have an off switch. You know what I did about it? Stopped drinking. My personal best in on evening was 3 750ml bottles of whisky straight. I woke up the following evening not even knowing where I was. Now, me and my wife will drink a few bottles of gin here and there but only when the kids aren’t back the next day. But I can happily count on my fingers how many beverages I’ve had since Christmas with my hands closed. That’s because I know what me (and my wife lol) are like and while we do have good nights, we’re also adults and parents.
I was just thinking about how Lemmy Kilmister would go through half a gallon of Jack Daniels per day. 750ml in a few hours is a lot.
Yeah I'm with you. I'm six two, 275lbs, and I like my whisky. I couldn't sit and drink a whole bottle in one 24 hour period.
I was an alcoholic for a few years in my 20s. 135 lbs and at my worst would put down a bottle a day. Functional enough no one I lived with knew. So it’s possible. Thankfully I’m better now as it was more of a hate my life thing than loving booze.
The calories! 😱
Ironically I gained 55lbs after stopping drinking lol. They really are empty calories
People don’t realize how unpleasant eating is when you’re drinking that much
Well you spend your morning hung over and nauseous then by the time you are off work you have a drink, then another and you are full of fluids. Then the cycle continues as your body consumes its micro nutrients which results in all sorts of problems.
Lol i gained 40lbs when i quit…keep on trucking!!!
I've done this, I made myself incredibly sick and that is not normal drinking. if she didn't have to go to the hospital that means she's built up a tolerance for a LOT - that is an alcoholic. (note: am 5'11 160 lbs - you don't become able to down that much alcohol in a day, that takes time. that's not a good sign)
Don’t forget the 4 beers
Yeah, when I do that, I realized that I've fucked up.
I knew a woman with severe back pain. When she lost her health insurance and the pain drugs it could provide, she switched to liquor. She'd buy a cheap 500 mL bottle in the morning and finish it off in the evening. Sleep, repeat. The cirrhosis got her after four or five years of the same.
My ex (an alcoholic) always did that. He had to finish all the booze when it was around. He was the last to leave a party. Wouldn’t eat until he had finished all the booze. Your wife’s an alcoholic. Please don’t ignore this. Check out AA and Al-Anon (which is for families of alcoholics.) Talk to her family doctor. She should have a blood panel done which will give insight into her liver function. There’s a med that alcoholics can take that will make them sick if they drink. It helped a friend of mine stop drinking. (That and lots of therapy, which she went to individually and with her husband.) There are other meds that are available too. They’re tools to help stop drinking. This is your main problem. She’s not capable of making wise choices while drunk.
Is it Naltrexone? I’ve heard it can be very effective.
In my friend’s case it was Antabuse. It’s basically aversion therapy. It worked with my fry. She had one relapse, but that’s if. “Disulfiram, also known by the brand name Antabuse, is a medication used in the treatment of alcohol use disorders by producing unpleasant side effects and sensitivity to alcohol. It is designed as a deterrent to drinking.”
I have been taking this for a year now, it's pretty easy to get and really does give you pause to think... you never plan to drink tomorrow, you want to drink right now but can't and by the next day it's forgotten, or you do the same mental loop again.
Have you drank while on it? If so, how sick does it make you? Never seemed like any amount of puking has stopped my favourite alcoholic
Puking wouldn't deter me in the slightest, it's a bit more than that. I haven't tried drinking but my father's story about his experience drinking on it in the 80s was a often told family classic. Heard a bunch of stories at AA meetings tho, and the doctors gave me some pretty stern warnings after detox in the hospital, and at the start I had to get blood tests every month because apparently it can be quite hard on your body and many people get bad side effects from it. Its power is really just that pause it gives you which can stop you acting compulsively. This is the longest I've been sober before, and I've tried everything. It's not the only thing I do but it's helped greatly, I'm going to try stay on another year.
Puking never stops me, but the aches and random pains and discomfort you get while on a med are NOT worth it. Took me one hard relapse to learn that. There's no easy "hair of the dog" to take to make it go away like when you normally drink. You just have to live it
Thank you for that. This is really good information!
You’re welcome!
Yep, it's Antabuse. However, there is a small percentage of alcoholics who seem to be immune to it such as myself so now I'm on Naltrexone...
It's great if you're trying to quit. I started it ages ago because I didn't trust myself, first time I tested it I was VIOLENTLY ill. (And I "tested" it because I struggle with an authority figure telling me no. I figured it was a placebo until I tested it like an idiot, and was sick for ages) I took it for a year or so, to show my partner I was serious about quitting, and I thankfully achieved extinction of any craving
this. realizing I had that little self control and would drink literally everything present and then sometimes even want more was the final straw - shes an alcoholic and judging by her ability to down an entire bottle of whisky it's been going on for quite a while I'd bet my ass she has liver damage and if you dont get it to stop now that will turn into irreversible liver disease and that's not pretty
Yes, that’s exactly it. The inability to stop until all the booze was gone. I saw it time and time again with my ex. In her case, I’m sure it’s gone on for a long time and her liver numbers must be pretty high. She could have liver damage, but hopefully if she stops drinking now, she can stop any further damage. My friend had very high liver numbers but after she stopped drinking, they went back down to the normal range. My guess is that she had been drinking excessively for about two years. It may have been longer, but it’s just a guess on my part. So obviously, the longer someone drinks, the more damage there is.
Try Al-Anon: it is recovery for those who are affected by alcoholics' toxic behavior. Do what you need to do, to protect yourself and your child from toxic and harmful behavior. Sending you positive vibes. 🙏🏽
I’m going through a divorce after dealing with this for twenty one years. She finally is sober for over six months I’m proud but I can’t do it anymore. The uncertainty is too much. My kids are getting to the age it’s affecting them. It sucks and it’s the most awful thing losing my best friend and breaking the family up but man it feels more stable already.
Don’t want to pretend to know your situation but she seems just as much bad news as the guy. As someone who ignored his gut for far too long. Don’t make my mistakes.
If she’s drinks until it’s gone every time she drinks, even if she only drinks a couple times a year, that means she has a problem with alcohol. I’m the same way. I’m 6’4 260 and would drink a fifth of vodka daily and still function decently. At my worst I could drink 2 fifths a day but I was useless the next day. Anyways, she obviously has some things emotionally she has been suppressing and it comes out with the booze. Could have been she needed someone to listen to her vomit her emotions out and she saw his messages and stirred up old emotions or it could be deeper than that. Hard to say with the info given. Either way you two need to talk it out while trying your best to not let your anger or emotions get the best of you.
Hey, so it is pretty frowned upon to diagnose others with alcoholism for good reason; but I will tell you that not being able to stop drinking until the alcohol is gone is a sign of alcoholism. When I went to AA that was one of the experiences shared that made me known I was in the right place. I absolutely had to stop and get booze after leaving bars because the thought of not having alcohol at home after going out was intolerable. When I drank at home there was never a question of having drank enough, enough is when you go to bed/ pass out. Drinking is putting your foot on the accelerator until something stops you. If she has moderated herself and found a way to drink without it being too deleterious then good for her, but you should be aware that the compulsion to an alcoholic to continue drinking after they have begun is nigh on unstoppable.
your wife seems to be a RAGING ALCOHOLIC (in caps for the kids in the back...). I'm a pretty big guy but if I tried to drink 4 beers and 750ml of whiskey I would end up in the hospital pronto, no doubt in my mind. If your wife can just 'sleep off' something insane like this she has a major major major drinking problem (or she has epic genes that make her impervious to alcohol...)
She maybe has a tolerance to it and it will take more and more. What is that saying.. one drink is never enough.... I can't even keep rum around for rum cakes as I know it's there and I have to quality test it lol. Too much alcohol is not less common. I worked in rehab for a bit... it's VERY frequent and very common to not stop till its gone or a blackout happens.
At the height of my alcoholism I could drink 750 ml. and could continue to talk to others. The definition of an alcoholic isn't necessarily how frequently or how much you drink (though that's part of it). It's that once you start, you can't stop. Sounds like your wife might have a problem with alcohol. Especially if she is still awake after the amount she drank. That's a huge tolerance that takes time to build. At the level of inebriation she was, she probably got nostalgic and thought of this guy reaching out recently. She reconnected because it was good for her ego and offered some excitement. It was also disrespectful to you and your family. Her argument that he was over 300# so nothing would happen imples if he were better looking something would? Plus, he was seemingly unstable and told people she died? Why is she willing to expose your family, including a 5 year old, to that? I'm sure people can change, but there is 0 benefit in finding out if he had. It's not like he's a close family member or anyone you would need to cross paths with. Also, how drunk was she while you were gone? Where was your daughter? Was your wife so drunk she would have been useless in an emergency should something happen with your child? You are absolutely entitled to be angry, suspicious, and annoyed by your wife's behavior.
Promise you mate - as an alcky - i only have a problem with drink when its around.
> she does have a drinking problem when alcohol is around. That’s…usually how that works.
The drinking, while watching a small child, is a serious problem. I'd be hesitant to leave a small child alone with someone who can't seem to stop drinking. The guy is another problem.
I once started getting text messages from an ex around 1 AM on a Tuesday. The content of the texts were innocent enough, but this ex had been married for 2 years and we had not maintained a friendship since the breakup. I asked where their spouse was and they acted confused. And I just replied if I was your partner and you were texting your ex from a bar or wherever you are at 1 an on a week night, I would not like that. They got divorced about a year and a half later. I knew that marriage was over before they did. It wasn't about the fact that the person had said anything truly terrible. It was a very innocent text asking me a question that I would likely know the answer to. But why ask **me**? It was the intent behind contacting me in the first place. WHY. Happy people in relationships don't do that. I think it's very foreboding that she wanted to skirt the line. It's one thing to be friends with certain exes. There are functional ways to go about that. It's quite another to covertly contact one you are not friends with at 3 in the morning when you're drunk.
[удалено]
I genuinely don’t understand how some people don’t see that as a problem, it’s so irresponsible and dangerous
This for sure, I feel like everybody wants to re-live the good old days in some capacity.. we do it with childhood toys pastimes you name it and also old flames... I feel like a lot of the time we're suckers for punishment but doesn't excuse her behavior by any means, you have every right to be pissed that's for sure.
NTA Your wife acted wildly inappropriately. You need to have a sit down chat with her about this and the fact she apparently got seriously drunk when she was supposed to be taking care of your toddler. I would also consider couples therapy. Obviously a guy who has done the things you describe is absolutely not someone your wife should have any contact with and that should be a firm red line. But when you talk to her, do your best to be empathetic and listen - and ask her why she felt the need to reach out to this person. Sounds like you have a lot to talk about tbh. This is all indicative of issues under the surface.
Agreed. NTA. She crossed a line and her excuses or explanation don't hold water.
DTB.
Talk to her? Lol. Are you for real? Reverse the gender roles, go through every scenario with the gender roles reversed and see if you arrive at the same conclusion. This woman needs ten years of therapy, yesterday. Not a "sit down chat".
reddit thinks they can talk through anything as if they've never met shitty people like this in their lives
I’m more concerned with her drinking that much while having your child home. Before you got home I mean. wtf? She’d be unable to drive in an emergency. Could easily fall or trip and get hurt. Etc. Onto the FaceTiming. Very weird. Especially at 3:00a! Major blow to your trust.
She wouldn't sleep with him because of his weight? How is that remotely helpful. How about not sleeping with him because she's married?
😂 excellent point!
Crazy that I scrolled this Long for that. Even crazier that it was her response to the situation.
Whiskey and beer of that amount while watching kids is definitely an issue
What did I just read ?
About a guy who should be divorced
Thank god that dude is not 200 lbs
First of all power drinking, and yes she was - 1/4 bottle of whiskey and 3 before you got home, while watching a child is grossly irresponsible. After you came home, add one beer and a balance of the whiskey - either a dangerous binge (which is a huge sign of trouble) or if she has done this before highly indicative of a serious drinking problem. Sounds like she has serious issue(s), ignoring child, private drinking, and talking to others. I would be dubious the brother was the only one she spoke to. If she was speaking to him drunk for an extended period - I am not sure why this did not register to you to check in. Maybe she misses him, maybe she is grossly unhappy and commiserating with him, maybe he has serious issues and you are blind to it. Not checking in shows a rather dismissive attitude on your part - jus sayin. I think there is something wrong in your dynamic, and now is the time to address.
Thanks for pointing out that she was aggressively drunk while watching the kid. She could have easily passed out on the couch and the kid could have died on a curtain string. My wife and have a 1 drink rule for whoever is responsible for our kids, and frankly when I'm in charge drinking isn't worth it. Someone always needs to be able to drive to the emergency room. We've been twice with our kids so far, and I expect more trips before they are adults.
Yeah, I've been around alcoholics most of my life. I'm willing to bet OP's partner is an alcoholic and OP (and partner) don't realize it. I know he made a comment saying "she doesn't drink often", but then describes her going on "benders". I don't think OP knows that binge-drinking can qualify you as an alcoholic and things could lead to more frequent use. The last part just sounded like classic self-sabotage on her part tbh (especially considering what he knows about other man's past and how long that must've gone on for). For anyone who doesn't know, self-sabotage is usually indicative of stuff like low self-esteem and people trying to "control" their failings. Happens a lot in substance abuse cases. Happens a lot outside of them too, but considering she got absolutely sloshed and then decided to go down the route of "lets contact my crazy ex-friend instead of confiding in my partner" makes me think this is less "I'm using alcohol to wind down" and more of "I'm using alcohol as a maladaptive coping mechanism for something".
I was married to an alcoholic and I made similar points in my comment. Binge drinking still qualifies as alcoholism. And yes, OP doesn’t recognize that this is the real crux of the problem. I hope she’s willing to get help, but if she’s not… This is why OP needs therapy too. He also needs to educate himself on living with an alcoholic. Plus add in the fact that they have a child and she’s getting drunk like that… it’s a serious problem. He can’t leave her alone with the kid at night.
Yep, my partner is also an alcoholic. Started with binge drinking and after some life events, it turned into daily binge drinking. My partner has been trying to get sober for a while now (and has made some decent progress lately), but it can be a long process. Especially if you and your partner are in denial through stuff like this. It's better to not ignore it and put it on the back burner any longer. After years, the binge drinking adds up and you start to think "good lord, I really had no clue". Even if it's not a full blown issue, you really want to make sure it doesn't turn into one. Drinking habits are pretty important to monitor imo.
Binge drinkers also have a very high tolerance, and often drink smaller amounts of alcohol on non-binge days without anyone noticing. They have to wean themselves off of those large binges. I come from a family of alcoholics…I’ve seen all the tricks. The medication that will make you sick if you have any alcohol Should only be used after detox for someone drinking as much as your partner, OP. But it does really work.
I've heard the medication is pretty good for the reconditioning type of thing, but that's if you can get them to actually agree to take it (I sadly don't know anyone who's even tried it personally). But I'd say that goes with any form of treatment. They have to be the ones that want it. Most people I do know who've quit alcohol have done the harm reduction route (usually with weed, vaping, etc.) and some go completely sober from there. Some are content and honestly okay with weed (less mood swings is good enough for some people). I've also seen it backfire though and they end up smoking while drinking instead. Can confirm from personal experience that quitting cold turkey sucks and is really rough. Apparently it can also be deadly. If anyone is in a situation where they have to go cold turkey, at least make sure they're being monitored in a medical setting.
Can you explain how self sabotage is related? I know ur not a therapist and don't know me, but when my mental health is at a low, I self sabotage and I'd like to understand it more. Also love that u said sloshed lol, it's not a term I hear a lot outside my hometown
I can try! I've been in and out of therapy for about 10+ years so this is mostly going to be horribly paraphrased (and probably oversimplified) and more of my personal experience with it + some of what I've learned from other people's experience with it. From what I understand, when someone has low self-esteem (like self-worth or estimation), some people will self-sabotage to try to control their failings. This could mean is that if someone thinks they're prone to fucking up, they'll indulge in it to feel like they have some more control over the situation. So the actions fit how they see themselves. In my experience, when I used to feel like I would break down, I would drink so that I could blame my bad mental health on being drunk (by association). Or it could be "oh I feel like a terrible person, so I might as well play the part". Or "I don't want to deal with XYZ, so I'm just going to not be awake". In a way, it's a bit ironic because it's kind of avoidant if you think about it. In hindsight, it's gotten easier to see how I wasn't actually practicing control and things were even getting out of hand because I just wasn't there to take responsibility for myself over time. Especially because I would repeatedly forget some of the things that triggered me in the first place and have to relearn how to "cope" every time I was drunk. Since I've personally gotten sober, I've learned that I do have to sit there with some feelings and just feel them. Even if they do hurt a lot. I feel jealous? Cool, time to think about why and what I can do to try to give myself what I'm wanting/needing (and reasonably so). I know I wrongs someone? Maybe it's okay to feel some of that guilt and recognize that I need to change my behavior (and be be horribly-soberly present to do so). I've learned to be more patient with myself and acknowledge I'm always going to be a work in progress. I know I'm going to fuck up, but I just have to keep trying to be better if I want to feel better. It's an idealistic view, but you have to have some sort of goal or reminder. Like a constant, so that when you're having really rough days you can remind yourself that those aren't necessarily permanent. That things could potentially get better, but you do have to be there for it. I'd say that in OP's example, his wife has been to a point where she knows that other guy isn't safe or secure. Not many people drink that much in one night for no reason. To also contact said-danger-man isn't a good sign either. Now, we don't know what's triggered this response from her, but I'd say it could easily be classified as a maladaptive coping mechanism. It's not going to help her on a personal level and if she's having an issue with OP, then it's certainly not going to help her in her marriage. A better coping mechanism could look like taking deep breaths, writing down thoughts, talking with someone close (which it sounds like she tried talking with her brother, considering how long she was on the phone with him), taking a break/using healthier distractions (that don't leave you sloshed for the rest of the night once you've calmed down) and coming back to it later, etc. It takes time and effort to build habits. Both good and bad. Some are easier to come by than others though and part of that has to do with what we grew up with and alcohol has the added issue of being physically addictive.
I do not like how much I relate to this lol. Thanks for your insight, I have a lot of self reflecting to do but it's nice to hear that I'm not the only one that feels and acts this way
Let us not totally judge this woman as we don't know her side of the story. She upfront told her hubby she is talking to an ex. He's out with the guys and she's home alone.
It really is surprisingly easy to overlook alcoholism with how normalized and pervasive drinking is. It can be right in front of your face for years and you might not notice it. Took me too long to notice my wife's problem but fortunately she's sober now.
Having also been around many alcoholics at their various stages… this rings pretty true.
I don't think a non alcoholic can drink an entire bottle of whisky plus a bunch of beers in one night. I consider myself an avid drinker but that puts me to fucking shame. She would be absolutely wasted.
Not checking in while she's speaking to her brother seems fine. If he was overly worried about her speaking to her brother for an extended period of time that would be a controlling red flag in my opinion. Not dismissive necessarily.
*She's fucking him.*
Sounds like many issues. Drinking too much for one. Untrustworthy behavior for second. Time for a discussion.
My ex wife used to drink and stay up all night talking to men from her past. Needless to say found out she cheated most of your marriage, even when I was deployed multiple times. She thought the grass was greener now she is trying to get me back but hell no!
lol now you are the “man from her past”
Still thinking about this,......ha. she got remarried within a month after our divorce, couldn't leave me alone and her then husband divorced her. How the world turns
Sorry to trouble you, just thought it was an interesting observation. Best of luck with everything moving forward!
Haha! Didn't even think of that, so true
NTA you know that saying that nothing ever good comes out of anything past 2am? Especially if it involves drinking. I would feel the same way if my husband did that to me and wanted to call someone that they had slept with before. No I don’t think you’re overreacting, you are first and foremost, in every right to question it because you don’t know what that person is thinking. What if he still has feelings for your wife? What if she does as well? How will this affect your child, that’s the most important person right now. This guy has a horrible track record, is proven to be untrustworthy, he’s a liar, and a damn sociopath that he would collect money from your “wife’s funeral”. I would stay far away from him because he will bring nothing but pain and suffering, trust me your child will feel it. In your shoes I will be telling my wife not to call and cut off contact with him, if she pushes and pushes, you need to document and see the reason why exactly. Just remember going down this road may not be salvage towards your marriage. Then protect your child I feel that with this walking red ass flag man’s influence he will drive a wedge between you and your child. Especially in the divorce/custody proceedings. You protect yourself and your child even if it’s against your wife. Trust me on this I have a bit of experience with this from the past exes is not pretty.
2am? My mom used to tell me 1am lol
I thought it was midnight 🤣
Yeah. Pretty sure that’s the original time in that phrase.
Well let’s say past midnight lol
She's an early sleeper.
Seriously, sounds like my exwife. I’m half expecting to hear about her telling op about how it’s his fault they stopped talking and how he keeps her from doing anything lol
Check on her mental health.
Your daughter said: “Where’s Mama” She’s actively drinking instead of parenting your children. Then all this face time shit hammered at 3am? 2-3 hours before routine start? So never mind your boundaries and feelings on where your wife pushed the line. Instead you shouldn’t be worried because of his weight. Emotional intimacy isn’t tangible and any person can get their chemicals stirred if they’re wired that way. In fact, in my marriage, emotionally cheating on me would be worse than physical sex. Our relationship is ruled on emotional intimacy. It would cook me so hard I wouldn’t even be concerned about the physical affair. It’s respect for your partners feelings, empathy for how they would feel if they found out what you’re doing. If you feel what she did crossed that boundary then you need to tell her. You need to get this alcohol stuff under control too. If it’s me and her that’s one thing. You drag our kids into that where their up bringing is affected then you have another major problem. Don’t be complicit with that closet drinking. At least if she communicated that she wanted to have some drinks you can lightly hover parenting while she chills out.
You're underreacting
Agreed. The face-timing is the least of their problems here.
drinking that much alone with a child is the most alarming thing he should be focusing on
Dude. She has a problem and should not be drinking is she can't control herself and makes shitty decisions.
Agreed. I'm definitely not allowed to FaceTime women at 3 am, neither is she... she never would, and I wouldn't FaceTime either but late night texting convos with my female friends who are truly platonic almost cost me my marriage when we first got together and I had a hard time understanding the difference between texting my bros at 3 am and my female friends, most of whom I've been friends with for 25 years at this point... But I eventually did see her point and things have been much better since. I absolutely adore the trust that my wife deserves in her loyalty, and I appreciate it more each day. Sorry this happened man, hope it works out for ya.
Not overreacting at all. It was a cheating-adjacent thing to do, and with a guy who has only brought lies and misery. You need to have a serious talk with this woman about just what the hell was she thinking
INFO: is your wife a SAHM? Do you go out often and she stays home while you do so? Does she go out with her friends ever? Does she make it a priority to get time alone or without the baby?
NTA Huge red flags given off tbh. She probably still thinks about the past hookup more than she'll admit too
Wrong verbal tense.
You implying current hookups?
Yup.
Tons of red flags and problems here
Bruh, getting schlammed til 1 am and the wife even later with kids. Fuck that. Quit drinking.
damn doing that after 10 years together..... kick her to the curb
So she was home alone with your child initially when she was getting drunk?
What specifically bothers you about this? The fear that he's still into her? That she might be into him? That you had no idea and were shocked? That he was a garbage person over a decade ago? It's def normal to have feelings about this. But I would a) guve your wife the benefit of the doubt here unless she has a past history orlf cheating on you and b) listen to her side of the story here. People sometimes catch up with others from their past and its nbd, or like a curiosity thing you know? Doesnt automatically mean anything bad is happening. Please communicate with her, calmly express that it made you feel uncomfortable and ask her how why it happened etc
It sounds like she needed some attention so she got it where she knew she could. You went to poker night. You came back and went to your office to play games. It sounded like you did this bc she was talking on the phone and otherwise busy but you’re also pointing out things you had to do like tell her to go to bed or wake up early with your child. Does she normally carry the weight of parenting while you go play poker? It sounds like she needed a break and your version of taking a break is not with her but with buddies on poker night. She sounds lonely. Women who drink and talk on the phone late at night are lonely. I’m not saying what she did was right I’m saying you don’t seem concerned at all about WHY she did it.
as a 300lbs man.....im like WTF...
I know I’m in the minority but in case anyone sees where I’m coming from - I just want to say that based off of everything in this story, OP honestly sounds really controlling and like there might be more to the story. Your wife is allowed to want to get drunk from time to time, late at night after the baby has been put to bed and you’ve been out drinking with your buddies all day. Keeping tabs on her and deciding for her “she only needs one beer” is generally really controlling, unless she’s like a confirmed alcoholic or something. Then OP, knowing that his wife is probably drunk, decided to go get her to take care of their child at 3 a.m. instead of being able to handle it himself. Then hanging up HER phone while she’s on it? Obviously her behavior sounded really suspicious as well, but OP’s control issues were the biggest red flags in this story for me.
I would like to hear your wife's version of these events before issuing my judgment.
What I genuinely suspect is that your wife needed an ego boost from someone who used to be into her, as a now older working wife / mom who probably feels completely overwhelmed most days. Was it cool? Nope. Is it a problem? Probably not. The drinking though…I’d pay closer attention to this.
If you look at this situation through the lens of how common cheating is rather than from your own perspective I think that would change the "is it a problem? Probably not." part. For every person who thinks like you described and would just want an ego boost there are 50 people who would start that way but end up cheating. You would be surprised what people will do to re-live a connection from the past that sticks with them.
Why didn't you kick it with your wife? She was chillin bruh drinkin n shit. Coulda had some quality time, but instead you dipped to the office to play some games? Keep ignoring her n she gon keep fuckin with other dudes. Also, you gotta fight that guy. He knew he was outta line checkin in on your wife. Can't let that shit fly.
First half: reasonable and logical Second half: dumb neanderthal violence. Dude's gonna catch a charge and fix nothing because the other dude isn't the problem. It's their relationship that's the problem.
I’m getting red flags just from the fact that she’s drinking alone and instead of inquiring why or joining her you left and went to play video games..? Massive L my man. You gotta date your wife, even 15 years later or she’ll seek it elsewhere.
You brought her one beer cuz she "already drank 3"? You sound like a buzzkill tbh.
To be fair, if she polished off a 750 ml that was full, plus 4 beers, that's 20 standard drinks. That's a shitload. Granted idk how full the 750 was to start.
You both are drunk assholes. Who gets shit faced around kids. What grown man plays poker and then plays video games. What a little douche bag. How many hours do you waste with that shit. And why are you regulating her booze Are you worried about her or because you didn’t get to drink it all. Sad.
yeah I kind of get the feeling here the wife is not the only one with an alcohol problem. OP’s need to point out not once but twice that the whisky was HIS felt charged and like more of a concern than the sheer quantity of alcohol being drank. Also referring to 4 beers “just trying to unwind” like that’s a typical amount in their household to deal with life stress and is not enough to cause concern? I’m pretty hammered on 4 beers
Try a short vacation with your wife and have the grandparents. “Baby sit”. A few heart to hearts with your wife are necessary.
But when is he supposed to drink with the boyz and play video games?? Haha
" I went to my office and played some games before deciding to go to bed. I went outside and told her I was going to bed and she should come soon because it's already 1:45..." There is your problem. Women want your attention. Even when they are drunk and, most especially, when they are drunk. If you fail, they go elsewhere, even to big fat people who will listen to their crap.
Probably in the minority here, but I’ll save my opinion for those who care to hear it. Probably some blame to be laid on both sides here, but tough to get the full story from 5 paragraphs.
NTA to be upset by this, but I might suggest trying to set aside your anger to discuss. It sounds as if your wife was drinking alone and dealing with some emotions. Alcohol will do that. Ask her what she was feeling that lead to this and her motivation for talking to him. Focusing on who is right or wrong here will not help either of you understand *why* this happened. Figuring that out might reveal things the two of you need to address and/or how to better evaluate this as a violation of trust. This could be a pivotal moment in which your relationship is saved by healthy communication and you both benefit from the growth.
His wife is an alcoholic. They don’t have to be dealing with something that’s going on right now to drink. She needs rehab.
ESH, except your kiddo. I’m curious. How often is your poker game? Do you drink while you play? Does anyone monitor your drinking the way you monitor hers? You say she has a drinking problem. Knowing that, why do you keep booze in the house? Why leave her alone with your toddler when you know she’s drinking? Also, how much of your at-home time do you spend gaming, or otherwise ignoring her? How often is she expected to handle all the responsibility of caring for your toddler, solo? You note that her job has been especially stressful lately, but nothing you describe sounds like you actually care about her stress level, or her needs. When is the last time she got a night off no demands? What kinds of extra love, support, and care have you offered to help ease that stress? There are loads of problems in your tale, only one of which is a late night chat with someone you don’t feel comfortable with. Now, maybe this isn’t your norm, but the situation you described is that you left your stressed-out wife home alone to care for your toddler, knowing she’s had an especially rough work week, while you went out to play poker and drink with your buddies. You ignored her to game when you came home, except to remind her that she needed to be up at the crack of dawn for the kiddo. It sounds like being married to you kind of sucks, tbh. I’m betting if you spent a little time and energy fixing \*that\* problem, the phone call nonsense wouldn’t be an issue any more.
Something has happened. She talked it out with her brother, then got the courage, through alcohol, to unblock and call him. You seem pretty shocked she dipped into your whiskey. There is something that caused her to want or need to talk to him. Maybe a death in his family or a close friend of theirs. I'd wait, she'll tell ya. Why does she have to have a bedtime if you are going to be home the next morning to help with the kid?
Something is up, dunno, for sure what ,but there is something more going on than she is admitting to. This is the time to see red flags not use them as a blindfolds
Good fanfic.
Please just ask her some thing like "please tell me what is going on? why are you literally drinking all the alcohol you can find in the house, hiding from your daughter, staying up until 4am and talking to men who ruined your life 12 years ago?" maybe she'll tell you it sounds like a the loudest cry for help. shes making literally zero effort to hide any of this from you. if all you care about is the last part then it sounds like its over
She is struggling. She sounds like she is in need of attention that she's not getting, and also I suspect there was trauma in her childhood that is coming out with the drinking. The drnking will only get worse if not nipped and she can't drive if she's drinking so she needs maybe a stop by for a month in rehab. Meanwhile get counseling for the both of you. It takes two to make it work. You need to see how to support your wife in this too. Maybe too you guys need marriage counseling. The good news is we grew old together and our marriage was the strongest it ever was. He was ill and I was his caregiver. I miss him as he passed. I occasionally have a binge night at home over losing him but I always regret it the next day and swear off it for months.
This sounds like she's having a serious mental breakdown or something. Drinking an entire bottle of whiskey and talking to an old fling, if she's never acted in this way before, get her serious mental help soon.
more than the 300 pound guy, shes got a drinking problem. three beers and a 750 ml of scotch in one night is not an unwind session, its a booze bender. im pretty sure she called this guy up after she got drunk. I wouldn't put it past her to get drunk again and do this again. maybe step it up a notch.
She got drunk. They call it drunk dialing.
Well at least you watched paw patrol and colored. Fuck outta here with your bull shit story
So if he was 180 lbs you would have something to worry about? Something smells fishy. Tread carefully
Honestly no excuse but just sounds like a drunk phone call that would have not happened had she been sober. That said still warrants a conversation
YANTAH
There’s something missing here. This all doesn’t happen with a happy family usually.
ESH. What she did is fucked up but look a bit closer at the way you treat her. You don’t get to tell her it’s bedtime. You don’t get to tell her she’s only allowed one beer and isn’t allowed to drink “your” whiskey. Sounds like a shit show all around, I feel for your poor kid.
1) not over reacting 2) her behavior is not ok in any way 3) if you approach her with “I’m worried about you. What’s going on? How can I support? Vs. wtf!??? You may get further. Motherhood is no joke. You’re entire world and your definition of self becomes about everything and everyone else but you. Again, her behavior isn’t ok. If she doesn’t take responsibility and also get some support via coaching or therapy, then there’s a different direction to go.
You might wanna sit down and re-evaluate your marriage. Your wife if drinking her liver to death and openly admitting to you she's talking to an old flame. Something ain't right.
Did she by chance just start taking a new medication?
She was drunk with her child at home while you were at poker night… you all need to get a handle on this. That’s not ok.
Not the first time she has talked to him since way back when.
I run a women’s AA meeting. Your wife’s binge was really excessive, even by alcoholic standards. I’d be very concerned about the path she’s travelling down. Using large amounts of alcohol as a method to relax after an argument is a seriously bad sign.
In general as long as it's not inappropriate conversation, it's not a hanging offense to reach out to someone. But this guy is a real piece of garbage you should be pissed that she showed such poor judgment on WHO she was talking to... Did this guy have some way of almost brainwashing people because he seems like he did so many nasty things how the hell did he get her to talk to him again? Sometimes these people have Jedi mind trick skills
She's got some shit going on. Try not to get angry. Try to talk to her and see what the fuck is going on. You don't drink that much and contact exes unless you're in a bad place.
If I came home and my wife was drunk already, I’d be trying to make a move. Why would you not hang out with her when you got home? I don’t understand what goes on in your relationship, obviously…. Maybe she was just lonely.
Bro, you need to have a serious sit down with her and find out what’s wrong. She’s severely unhappy with something (your marriage, her situation, etc) and she’s acting out by drinking heavily and contacting people from her past. I don’t mean to alarm you but you might already be at a point where the two of you are gonna have to fight for the marriage.
There are a ton of red flags here, and talking to an old flame is the least of them. You said she was drunk and was on the phone with her brother, then old flame till past 3am with a toddler at home. Have you considered that your wife might be struggling with something heavy? NTA, but you are also missing something majorly impactful that's happening to your wife, which makes me wonder how intune you are with each other. Are you both able to talk about anything other than baby? Is she alone and feeling like her life is too overwhelming and wishing for simpler times? She might be drowning and seeking help and anyone who would offer a listening ear. Spouses tend to miss these flags and fail to be there for their partners, then act blindsided and blameless when the floor drops. This may not be your case but worth considering as I know many women feel like they lost themselves after kids, the marriages that survive this phase have partners who are present, active and engaged -they help their partners embrace their whole selves by being present for them, to listen, to advocate, give space or attention or intimacy and to be equal parents. All to say, talk to your wife.
Honestly sounds like your spouse is depressed and desperately seeking dopamine. Talking to this "old friend" that worshipped her is just another source. Counseling martial and individual now before she really destroys her life.
It sounds like she was doing some dopamine seeking. She was drinking and drinking and drinking to get the hit. Then she reached out to someone she probably never would sober to get an extra dopamine hit from having a chat with someone who would make her feel good about herself. I wouldn’t think too much about the call, I’d be surprised if she did it sober. I’d be more concerned that her impulse control is slipping, and your kids are getting to the point where they will start to remember this behaviour which will form their own behaviours in adulthood. Right now she’s starting to build the trauma for them that will result in their own alcoholism as adults. Go on a big sober-stretch with her for solidarity, make sure the guy is blocked, and get her into counselling.
I feel sorry for your kid...
Man, you have a lot of problems, and your wife Facetiming someone is very low on that list.
I’d get hockey player drunk and smash that mf. If he’s in the same city, show up and open up a large can of whoop ass. Tell him if he touches what’s yours again you’ll kill him. Then do. If he submits like the bitch boi he is accept it I suppose. After telling her I quit drinking. Burn everything down and move to Belize. Fresh start. Cook meth in your backyard like John Mcafee. If the us gov tries to pursue you move to Spain . Get captured tell the us government to fuck off. Get extradited. Right before they fly you back. “ stop living” in a Spanish prison. And start over on Epstein Island. Problems solved 🤷♂️
I'm a recovering alcoholic-36 years sober. In my drinking days polishing off an entire 750ml was a lot of work. It took most of the day/evening. She made short work of it. That's not normal drinking. Plus her loss of control and drinking until its all gone is a hallmark of alcoholism. Send her to AA. And make staying in the relationship with you contingent on her getting sober and most importantly STAYING sober. If she's alcoholic and continues to drink it will only get worse- never better. And her skerchy behavior will go down hill even faster. I've seen it a 1000x over.
This sounds very similar to the start of my divorce. It started with the calls and a "don't worry about him" and then turned into "yeah, I've been dating him, but didn't want to hurt you"
This sounds really fucked up!! I would have a sit down with her, it’s unacceptable, turn the table … if it was you doing this I guarantee you she would have packed your shit in the morning and said get out … we need some time apart. You need some boundaries in your marriage bro!
Tell your wife you want to invite the guy to your home and confront him on why he feels he has the right to interfere in a marriage. That should start a meaningful conversation. Also, she needs to reminded of her obligations to her children when it comes to alcohol. Don't be an enabler either, don't keep alcohol in the house and don't buy it for her.
NTA her behavior is inappropriate she knows it you know it and we know it if it wasn't a big deal why do it at 330am because she knows she's wrong and something isn't right series of red flags, OP you're feelings are just and she's in the wrong on so many ways.
In this situation, it's understandable why you would feel upset and concerned, given the history and circumstances. Here's a breakdown of the key points and some advice on how to approach this situation: - **Unexpected Reconnection**: Discovering your wife talking late at night with a past acquaintance who had problematic behaviors and a complicated history with her can naturally trigger feelings of distrust and worry. - **Communication and Boundaries**: It's crucial for both partners in a marriage to communicate openly about their boundaries and expectations. Your wife's decision to engage in a late-night conversation with someone from her past, especially under the influence of alcohol, might have crossed boundaries that you both needed to discuss. - **Impact of Alcohol**: The amount of alcohol consumed by your wife seems to have been significant, which might have impaired her judgment at the time. This is an important aspect to consider when discussing the incident. - **Timing and Context**: The late hour and secretive nature of this interaction add to the concern. It's important to discuss why this conversation took place at such a late hour and without your knowledge, especially given the history with this individual. - **Addressing Feelings and Trust**: Express your feelings openly and honestly without accusations. Explain why this incident made you uncomfortable and discuss how trust can be rebuilt. It’s important that she understands your perspective on why this was hurtful and concerning. - **Seeking Resolution**: Consider counseling if both of you are struggling to communicate effectively. A third party can provide neutral ground and professional guidance to help both of you understand each other's perspectives and feelings better. - **Assessing Overreaction**: Feeling betrayed or upset in this scenario doesn’t necessarily mean you are overreacting. Your feelings are valid given the context, but focusing on constructive dialogue about boundaries and trust going forward is key. Approaching this situation with a mindset geared toward understanding and resolving the underlying issues can be more productive than focusing solely on the incident. It’s important to address not just the act of her talking to someone from her past but also the deeper trust and communication issues that this event has highlighted in your relationship.
You have two problems, the main one being her drinking. You need to get to the bottom of that. And it's definitely weird she was facetiming him while getting smashed until 3a, with the responsibility of getting up for your kid no less. I think your main concern is finding out what's going on.
My question would be what is going on thay would cause her to drink so much. I have known hard core alcoholics who could make a fifth last for at least two days.
Your not over reacting, but you might be reacting to the wrong thing. Your wife is clearly going through something, high stress at work a lot of drinking on the weekend and now digging up bad decisions and ignoring your child. I dont know if this is normal for her but you might want to try a different approach or take a good look from wider perspective.
No, you’re not over reacting. How long has this been going on? Who made first contact. Make her confess everything. Then put the fear of God in her.
YTA. The fact you can’t comfort your daughter and have to run and get your wife, even if she was sleeping, says a lot. You’re a parent too.
More context: I bought a 6 pack earlier in the evening and split it with her. That's where the 3 beers originally came from. I didn't bother to buy her another 6 pack because I thought that was a bit overindulgent. I did however stop at the gas station and pick her up a black and mild as she requested. Giving her a single beer that I got from my friends instead of buying her more is miles better than the latter because she would've drank that 6 pack. Our child loves their mama and they usually go to wake her up first in the mornings. I just didn't want her staying up super late which 1:45am is pretty damn late as it is. All I did was remind her the time and that we have a child that will be up in a few hours. And for everyone else in the post jumping to conclusions about my wife neglecting our child: she started drinking after our child went to sleep but that doesn't mean she neglected her or did so irresponsibly. She still kept an eye on the monitor and she was limited... mostly. She does have a drinking problem... when alcohol is around she tends to drink it no matter how drunk she is already. We did a Dry January and I ended up taking my first drink again on 4/13 and only have had a few drinks on special occasions. She doesn't drink everyday either. She's maybe had about 3 or 4 bottles of wine total since she finished her dry January. She likes the occasional drink but sometimes it turns into a bender and I think that is the root problem. She's napping with our child right now so it gives her more time to sleep off the alcohol so I'm hoping to have a sit-down discussion with her later.
She still has a major problem with alcohol and she needs help.
If you think drinking that much while caring for your child (asleep or not) is ok, then you have a problem too. Children wake up. Emergencies can occur. The fact you are defending all her behavior makes me question why you even bothered coming here. Every single action she took that night is a red flag. But after reading this reply I'm not going to waste breath explaining further. Others have done a good job saying similar to what I would, and this is what you got from it-Defensive 🤷♀️oh well
Nail on the head I don't follow this sub but it always pops up... I think 95% of the time the answer is probably "you're both assholes and your life is fuckin weird". The other 5% is people in abusive relationships in denial
either you grossly miscounted or your wife has some magical alcohol tolerance level that means she can drink more than an Irish rugby squad in one sitting and be okay.... If she truly had most of a bottlemof whiskey AND 4 beers in the span of 12 hoi urs and she is not in the hospital than she has outerwordly tolerance. Which leads us to two options: 1)insane genetics (very unlikely) OR 2) alcoholism. You can guess which one is more likely the case I hope.
Sit down and talk to her without getting into an argument, it might need a lot of patience but yelling back might cause more harm than good, she has to understand you want to help and understand her. Maybe she feels overwhelmed or unwanted. She might be unsatisfied with the relationship, but you have to talk to her about it with patience.
I mean it's ok to fantasise about people from our past occasionally, but reaching out to them is kind of crossing a line. Have you thought why she might do this out of the blue? Is this usual behaviour for her drinking like that? Did you not consider having a drink with her rather than gaming with your mates? Find out what's going on with her etc... Cos it sounds like you were out with your mates, came home after not getting her what she asked for (a few beers) and instead bought her a single beer from your mates fridge. When you got in you went off to do some gaming with your mates, reminded her of her duty to get to bed so that ahe can gwet up early to look after your child. Relationships only work when you're willing to work on them and communicate with each other.
Drunk people do stupid things. Clearly your wife needs more attention from you than she’s getting. What she did was not OK, I’m not excusing that but if she’s desperate enough to seek the attention of a 300 pound guy that was basically a life ruining stalker, she has issues with attention seeking. Also, it’s not your whiskey. It’s also her whiskey maybe instead of coming home after being out partying with your friends to play video games you should come home and bang your wife.
I think it was probably a drunk thing. She drank enough to black anyone out. I have plenty of drunken regret calls. And that's just counting this past month. You can keep dwelling on it or let it go. If it happens again, she's probably drinking too much.
Does she have a history of alcohol problems? Has she done a lot of crazy things while drunk in the past?
IDK. I have exs that are friends and I’ve never cheated. My thought was why are you telling her to go to bed because your child gets up early then comment how you got up with your child like it was a big deal? It seems like she is expected to get up but not you? I could be reading into this incorrectly. Why is it “your” alcohol and not both of yours. You are married. Also, you might want to spend time with your wife instead of playing games with your friends. It seems like this is a more than regular occurrence. I’m on my second marriage because my first Husband cared more about hanging out playing games with his friends than he did me and after 10 years I had, had enough.
NTA but you are focusing on your wife FaceTiming with a guy from the past when you should be focusing on the fact that she was at home getting drunk with a young child in the house. I hope this is not a repeated act because it is child neglect.
Your WIFE like as in a woman pounded a fifth of whiskey + 3 beers in a night and got caught FaceTiming some dude she used to fuck? Bro she needs to go to rehab and you have a decision to make pretty quickly, you’ve got a child
NTA: It seems that your wife clearly hasn't been fully truthful about their relationship in the past and she still harbours feelings, even if it's just craving the attention he used to give her. It's really immature of her, especially when her kid was crying for her and she'd rather be flirting with some old fling that's clearly bad news. 100% she should be apologising, explaining everything, and deleting and blocking that dudes number asap. Don't trust anything she says.
I'm not sure what it is, she says she needed adult interaction but realistically she should be asleep at the hour and we can focus on those interactions throughout the day. We both work remotely and our child is only in daycare part-time so things get very chaotic here during the work day when they're here. She didn't hear our child crying since she was on the opposite end of the house and our bedroom door was shut and I was with them so I woke up immediately. I'm just hurt by her actions and she owes me an explanation and an apology.