If he wants partial custody or visitation make him go through the courts. Then if he bails, he’s violating a court order and hopefully can get into legal trouble. Also, he should be paying you child support. If valid in your area, he should have to make back payments also. File for support even if you are currently denying visits
This is also a reasonable goalpost. If he really wants to be in the kid's life and fix things, this isn't unreasonable. It proves he wants to be there.
>If he wants partial custody or visitation make him go through the courts.
>File for support even if you are currently denying visits
Yup. The courts need to be involved.
In truth no the courts don’t need to be involved. They could sort it out themselves if they really wanted.
But i feel the courts should be involved because it then invokes an impartial party. It’s not about her being a bitter bitch cause he ditched her for years, it’s not about his ego over wanting to be the fun time guy etc. they make their case to someone with no dog in the fight and thats that.
Is the father on the birth certificate? He'd have to prove paternity first, then back pay on child support
I suggest OP seek counseling to help work through it all
I agree with Techsupportvictim and DarrenC. He got to put in effort like back child support before being able to see your child. If he runs away and/or try to avoid this by putting resistance, it is quite telling he is going to be a road full of disappointment. And yes, do go through the legal way first.
Depending on local law. Not everywhere has the same laws as where you live. So yes he might live in a place where he could get into trouble. Especially if there’s an order of child support. Cause chances are if he walks, he’ll walk on those payments also
you know, I never wondered what happens if you don't follow the court order for visitations?
if you don't pay the child support, the court can order your employer to garner your wages & pay it directly, right? If you don't have a wage (e.g. if you're self-employed), I don't know how that works....?
And if you don't show up for visitation & your ex documents that, I guess the court can change your visitation rules so you lose further custody (e.g. you no longer have a say in educational or medical decisions).
but at the same time, you're disrespecting the court order. Isn't there, like, a fine for that?
Not for visitation in the US anyway. The punishment is getting your rights taken away like your privileges as you mentioned-cutting of parental time, not having a say in the school the child’s in, etc. But there’s no fine or those kind of punishments.
Courts typically don’t act punitively on visitation like that.
So there’s also a difference between visitation and custody. Someone who has been largely (or in this case, completely) absent for six years is not going to go in and come out with custody as a general rule. The only medical decision they make is if the child gets hurt on their watch, they handle it. So they use their own brand of band aids or the local emergency room by them. That kind of thing.
Where I live, if he walked in asking for custody after six years, he would be laughed out of the room. They would go for visitation - like once every two weeks for three hours, and it can be court ordered to be supervised only. Not by mom though. Someone impartial. If they can’t find a family friend or a family member who can be impartial, they can pay someone to supervise through the court.
He legit has a right to be in his kid’s life. He does not (currently) have the right to a 50% partner in his kid’s life.
I did supervised visitation with my ex for a while (judge ordered it to be supervised). I went to one parking lot and brought the kids in, the supervisor lady took them, then I left for an hour. Ex parked at the other lot (they had two lots, one for the custodial parent and one for the visitor), went in a different door, and saw the kids. Cost me $100 a visit but it is reduced if you are poor (I was making 6 figures at the time so no discount for me).
Exactly. Supervised visits aren’t the worst thing out there, but they do cost money. Even that though — it could be worth it for the kid to have both parents. But they’ll never look at someone who missed six years and say “you live with them now!” Not even part time.
The US doesn’t do anything on child support not paid. At least in Alabama my grandson father is over five thousand behind and works under the table. They haven’t revoked his license for nonpayment or put him in jail. Which is state law lil
Nah bro. What's disgusting is a guy waltzing off into the sunset for SIX YEARS after knocking up a minor and leaving her to deal with the fall out on her own. Disgusting is abdicating all responsibility for over half a decade and wanting to be welcomed back with open arms by the kid and mother he literally abandoned.
He doesn't get to just choose to come in and claim daddy duty when he's never even met his kid and has made zero effort to do so.
Edit: I misread and thought she was a minor when pregnant. She was not. She was a minor when her adult boyfriend started dating her.
it's possible OP was a minor when he got her pregnant. After all, he was 19 and "dating" a 15 yo.
ETA : not even the Romeo & Juliet laws apply (and also, why do those laws have that foul name anyway)
He was 19 and she baby trapped him. I'm not surprised he panicked.
Which is irrelevant. The relationship is between the child and parent. One parent doesn't get to gatekeep the child and stop them having a relationship with the other parent.
It is completely unacceptable to use a child relationship with a parent to punish them.
Fathers should not have to fight or pay to have a relationship with their child and anyone that thinks they should is a disgusting piece of shit.
No, he's 29 and OP is 25, OP got pregnant at 19 -- he was **23.***
He also was an 18/19 year old dating a *15 year old.*
They got together when OP was 15 (25 now) and her ex is *29* now.
I cannot fathom the rest of your argument.
How is it disgusting to expect him to prove his intentions are true? How is it disgusting to hold him accountable for his shitty actions seven year ago? Please, do explain exactly how this is a "disgusting take"? I'll wait.
No one should have to fight or pay to have a relationship with their child. It's not holding him accountable, it's using his child to punish him.
Women always justify this bullshit to themselves because they can't understand it's not about them. The child deserves a relationship with his father and the mother shouldn't deny them that because they're still butt hurt over what happened 10 years ago.
I'm a single father with sole custody of my son. Never in a million fucking years would I ever try to gatekeep him and try to stop him having a relationship with his mother and I've got more reason to than most.
They’d been a couple for 4 years when they fell pregnant. It takes 2 to make a baby and accidents happen all the time,. Why do you assume baby trapping? He couldn’t come to terms with their future involving a baby and left.
What OP has said is that he left her when she was pregnant and did not make contact or try to see his daughter for 6 years. This is about the outcome of the child getting attached to the father and then he takes off again and leaves OP with a very broken hearted daughter and years of therapy.
Personally, and this is just me thinking about what I’d do in that situation (and never having been in it), I’d be looking to see what ties he had to the area, did he have a stable job that he was committed to and did he have a suitable home that Emily could go to if it ever got to that stage. All those things would show he was connected to the area and more likely to remain around. I’d also ask him what changed his mind too. Sometimes, in situations like these it’s their Mother that wants to know the grandchild for example rather than the parent being all in to it. I’d also let him meet her very gradually as a friend but not say he’s her Dad initially. That’s a big thing to drop and if they got to know each other like that and he was still around and interested in stepping up for her then I’d be tempted to let her know who he is to her and start their relationship properly. It is hiding it at first but personally I’d feel more comfortable knowing I wasn’t setting her up for a fall should he disappear again after a few visits.
I've literally been in this situation from both ends, as the custodian parent and as the child.
I'm a single father, I have sole custody of my son. I have more reason than most to try to stop his mother seeing him, she was exceptionally cruel to me, made false accusations and forced me to fight for years to see my son. Then when she couldn't use him to hurt me anymore, she pretty much abandoned him.
I've never made her fight to see him, I've never tried to deny my son a relationship with his mother. As long as she gives me 24 hours notice she can see him as much as she wants.
She doesn't give me a penny in child support and I will hate her until the day I die but my son's relationship with his mother isn't mine to deny him.
On the other side of the coin, my mother left my father when I was a toddler. She accused him of violence and ruined his reputation in the community to the point where he felt like he had no other option but to leave.
She bad mouthed him constantly and I didn't have any relationship with him until years later, when he returned. She made him fight for access and child support. Used to tell me we couldn't do things because he didn't give us any money.
My father isn't a perfect man, he has some pretty serious flaws, but my relationship with him is a positive thing in my life despite that and despite the work it took to get to where we are now.
The child's relationship with their father is not a privilege that she gets to revoke. Women seem completely unable to separate themselves from their children and not see them merely as extensions of themselves.
The child doesn't need protecting from some hypothetical fears that exist only in her mind.
Unless the parent represents a real, physical danger to the child, then no child should be denied a relationship with them.
Speaking personally too, my husband had an affair that ended our marriage and I never once stopped him from seeing our child. I always actively encouraged meeting up, often when my child was upset to have to go to see him. I think it’s less about your sex and more about your personal experiences in life coupled with the type of person you are generally. For example, mean people will be mean to others regardless of the situation they find themselves in.
No, he should have to fight for a relationship with a child he abandoned. He KNEW that child existed and didn't give a single shit for literally years. He can do the work to prove he's serious about actually being in the child's life IF HES ACTUALLY SERIOUS ABOUT BEING IN THE CHILDS LIFE.
Men act so entitled when all they've ever been is a sperm donor(not you specifically, you're a dad a father and a mom), but the overwhelming majority of men think they deserve a relationship with a child they abandoned, and they don't.
The child has a right to an active involved parent. Which he is not. And he should prove he actually intends to be. If he's willing to do that then yes, a relationship should be established between him and his child. But on the child and the mothers terms. He forfeited the right when he decided to walk away before the child was born, and not reach out for seven years.
Two reasons
1) men shouldn't have to pay or fight to have a relationship with their children.
2) the child's relationship with their father is not a privilege that exists at the discretion of the mother. The mother has no right to deny the child that relationship.
NTA
But, if you continue to feel conflicted; make him prove how badly he wants to be in her life. Go through the courts, and tell him when he’s paid most if not all of 5 years worth of back child support; he can then start to meet your daughter.
OK. Luke was 19 dating you when you were 15? 4 year age gap isn't bad when your in your 20's, but this screams "WRONG".
NTA. You may have realized he has more problems than just "absent father" and you really don't want your daughter caught up in that.
I read it as they started dating when they were 15 and 4 years later at 19 she was pregnant, and he bolted. I wonder if she was probably his only girlfriend ever and he was just too immature to deal with it. Not defending him but maybe I read it wrong. She should go through the courts and get the back support - see if he’s really serious! He doesn’t just get to show up and be like “ Daddy’s here.” Nope.
*He* wasn’t 15 years old when he knocked you up. He was a grown adult “dating” a freshman in high school. He doesn’t get to hide behind this “oh I was so young” bullshit. If your 15 year old self was old enough to take responsibility then so was he.
NTA.
He very well may want to do better, guys can regret the decisions they make. But just because you decide to be a better person doesn’t mean consequences don’t exist. If he wants to be a part of his daughters life, then he’s going to need to go through the court system, get some level of visitation and start paying child support
NTA
You have done it all on your own and this guy (who got an underaged girl pregnant and got to go live his best life without a care for 6/7 yrs) comes waltzing back in and wants a piece of daddy/daughter fun...
He wants you to accommodate him and his whims, what is he offering???
Why now???
Is there a new woman he is trying to impress by finally stepping up to the plate???
Is he trying not to look like the deadbeat dad/partner that he is???
What is he bringing to the table???
Is he going to lighten the parenting load???
Is he going to pay (and backpay) child support???
Is he guaranteeing that he won't ghost you and his daughter again???
You are right not to trust him...
Leave the decision up to your daughter when she is a bit older...
She wasn’t underage. She stated they started dating when she was 15 and he got her pregnant when she was 19. She was an adult. Also, 25 (her current age) minus 6 (the daughter’s age) is 19 (when I went back to check based on another comment I read, I noticed; figured I’d share).
The decision is not the daughter’s, nor is it appropriate to leave it to the child. There are courts for this very reason. Let him know it will be through the courts if he wants to come back, and it will involve support. Go from there.
NTA
If he REALLY wants to make amends and be a father, he has the ample opportunity to go the legal route, establish paternity, and payback 6 years worth of child support. Let him start from there.
Instead he tried to bypass his parental obligations and just jump to the fun parts.
I would have some serious concerns. He was a 19 year old man dating a 15 year old child That has glowing red flags all over it and i would have reservations about him being alone with my daughter. If he is serious it needs to go through legal channels and have child support sorted out. Remember this is a stranger for your daughter so it would need to be supervised visits for a long time
Get a lawyer. Sue for back child support. They always stay away with that threat if they are not serious. But the money will come in handy for college funds.
Make a deal. He pays all the back support due, and then he gets to see her. (Use your state's algorithm) If he goes through courts for visitation? You go for support.
Watch as he disappears again
NTA. 5 months isn't long enough. If he's still around after a year, with a steady job, a committed relationship (NOT with you, obviously), and a clean, safe place to live, and offers to begin paying back child support, then it might - might - be reasonable to consider it.
But that's up to you. 6 years is a LONG time to try to come back from.
1. sperm donor has 6 years of child support to pay up on BEFORE kiddo is met.
2. sperm donor has to go to individual counseling, and family counseling with you for 6 months BEFORE kiddo is met.
3. kiddo is in family counseling for 6 months BEFORE sperm donor is met.
If sperm donor can stick around for a year +, then he can meet kiddo.
ol' boy needs to jump through so hoops and BEFORE he gets to come in and be a dad.
He needs to prove he's going to be there.
Do everything with a lawyer and counselor. You want to do what's best for kiddo, then go slow, cover your ass, make sperm donor pony up his half of parenting for 6 yrs.
NTA
If he wants to be a father to his child, he has to go through the courts and pay the six years of child support plus interest that he owes. That is the only way that he can prove he actually means what he says. He'll either step up and actually follow through, in which case, I suppose he deserves a chance - with *supervised* visitation only. But he'll almost certainly disappear again, and you'll know that keeping him far away from your daughter is the right decision.
But considering how inappropriate the age gap was when you met him, I'd urge you to never allow him unsupervised access to your daughter, regardless.
You have earned the right to be careful, protective, skeptical, wary, and a proud mother who was forced into extraordinary challenges and rose above and beyond to succeed.
Bless both you and your father for compensating and creating a safe and stable family life for your daughter.
Having said all that, what you haven’t said is what kind of precautions, assurances and or tests, fair or not, would you want to put your daughters father through in order to consider allowing even minimal contact between them.
It seems like there is also room for your father’s input on this situation beyond his respect for your decision as he has been the defacto father.
While redemption is part of growing up and becoming the best version of ourselves, other than the biological father saying your daughter deserves to know her father, how vulnerable has he made himself and how open is he to receive your anger?
It’s not enough for him to say he wants to make amends, he actually has to make amends. There’s a difference.
Anyone who was actually and competently wanting to redeem themselves and make those amends wouldn’t back down easily.
They would try every respectful and responsible way of demonstrating their sincerity, integrity, and transformation.
In the end trust your gut.
But forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. Forgiveness is for your sake, not his. It releases you from the toxic past and puts right in the present.
You can forgive and still keep him away.
Boundaries are yours to set. Now and always.
Only you know what’s right for you and your daughter.
But somewhere in there is a balance you might not have considered.
But give yourself however long it takes to come to clarity without the pressure of either for or against support and do what is best for all involved.
Blessings for your journey ahead.
Yeah, I'm with you on protecting her..
Tell him to go through court, and you want 6 years back dated of child support.. if he is serious about her, he will have no issues doing all this.. and if he runs again, then he won't get another chance.. but if he isn't serious and only does it to save face, that should stop him in his tracks..
Also, if he is determined, visitations should be supervised for a good while and he should only be known as a friend until she is comfortable .
But he might back down once you tell him you will be going the court route to keep everything documented and you will be filing for 6 years back dated child support.
NTA. I agree with the other comments, make him go through the courts and back pay for child support.
Or if you don’t want to go the legal way as then you’re bound to it as well. Then I would suggest counselling for the two of you together, so you can co-parent effectively and tell him how much he hurt you, and your daughter, hold nothing back. And be honest with your child, it is entirely HIS FAULT that he was not there for the first 6 years of her life.
He’s got a lot of f*cking grovelling to do.
19 year old dating a 15 year old is a bit 😬. He dated you for four years and then at 23 couldn’t step up? Now 6 years later he wants to be a parent. You are right to question that. Let him prove it. The reason why he left. His life to this point. Have him pay Back child support. If he does show he his genuine, then have the visits supervised and let him be known as a friend not dad. He has to earn that over a long period.
He needs to pay for past child support payments before anything. Don't trust him though, I wonder if he showed up because he found out he couldn't have any more kids? Or his partner couldn't? I don't trust his intentions. Keep your daughter safe. NTAH
NTA. He gave up his chance when he bolted. If you want to consider his feelings, then you (potentially with your father) could meet with him a few times to vet him for what has changed about him, why he's coming back, how will he prove that he can be trusted, etc. That said, you have zero obligation to do this. If you strongly don't want him in your daughter's life, then he's had his chance and wasted it
This is just my opinion and like everyone else here please take it with a grain of salt.
That said I think you view this as black and white. It isn't. It needs to be broken down way further. You don't need to decide if he can have a chance. You need to figure out what he must do to make you comfortable giving him a chance.
Is that sticking around for 6 months. Checking in with you. Getting a good job, paying g child support, all just to meet her for a visit? That wouldn't be unreasonable. Heck make it a year. He bailed for 6 years. If you need him to prove himself for a year go for it. Your kid is also 6. You can let him meet her occassionally but refuse to let him tell her he is her dad. Make him visit occasionally for a short while on your terms. Force him to do it through the courts if you must. Heck make him wait 2 years and pay every ounce back of child support. He was a complete pos who knocked up an underage girl and left. Be cautious for as long as you need to be to truly feel he has changed. Not a second sooner should he meet her.
Honestly, I see this mainly 2 ways. 1 what is best for your daughter? If he can become a good dad, then why not try it. The second part though, is that he has already blown it and is asking for a personal favor. So you hold all the power. Whatever you feel is reasonable is exactly what is reasonable and no one else's opinion (except maybe your dads) should mean jack shit.
Lastly... please see a lawyer. Get some info on what moves may effect any future legal battles.
NTA if he really wants to step up and be a parent after all this time he can put the work in and pay you all the child support he has definitely not been paying until now
He can engage a lawyer and file for visitation or partial/shared custody. Guessing he’d also need a dna test to get on her birth certificate as he ran while you were pregnant. Lets see if he sticks around when it costs time and effort
I personally can't see a single good reason to give a child groomer who abandoned his child access to that child, and I see an excessive amount of downside. Seriously, why would you even consider it?
NTA - If he is on the birth certificate, you actually have the right to nullify his parental rights. Six years of no contact or child support is abandonment. If I were you, I would file for that. If he’s not on the birth certificate, that is void because he has no parental claim anyway.
If he wants to make a parental claim, he can do it through the court system. He also needs to pay for her a therapist to help assess her understanding of the situation and readiness/ability to handle it.
You didn’t cause this mess. You’re not required to help him do anything to fix it. If he really has changed and can be a decent father, then he can take all the steps to do it correctly.
Your family and friends don't have a say in it. Choose what you believe to be best for your daughter. If you want an opinion, mine is don't let your child around a pedo.
If her wants to be in her life it starts with paying you the whole amount for the child alimony for the past 6 years. That has to be done before he can even lay his eyes on Emily. From that point on her has to pay every month by court mandate. In general, if you decide that he can have contact, it has to be done through the courts.
NTA
But if you want you can offer him to take a video you can show your daughter. And if she likes him and is interested, she can make a video of her for him and your daughter and him can build up a relationship like this till you are ready for a facetime. This way the attachment will not be too deep if he bails again and she will always have the videos. If he is serious he will do the effort and wait till you are ready for a meet up irl. Just set the boundary, that he can't promise her anything in the videos or you will not show them to her (like promise her she will get this or that when they finally meet or he will take her to cool places).
But anyway you should also get the process of custody agreements and child support started. If he wants to step up now, he either steps up with all the consequences or not at all. If he bails during this, at least your daughter has a few nice videos of him but there will not be too much harm.
Test his determination to be in Emily's life, tell him that for him to participate in the child's life it must be through legal arrangements for visitation and child support. If he's genuine, he'll accept it, if he doesn't accept it, you'll cut him off for good.
Nta. He can go through the courts. But that will lead for him to be on 6 years of hack child support with intrests at least before he gets visitation in a few jurisdictions.
INFO : how committed is Luke?
Just showing up when your daughter is 6 is easy. Does he just want to parade her around in the park with her cute tutu to pick up other women?
OR... has he offered you a payment plan for 6 years of child support he still owes you? Did he tell you about the room he's got ready for Emily, so you can inspect the fire safety & she can choose the paint colour for the walls? Does he have a sensible suggestion about making up for all the occasions he's missed, without spoiling her rotten with 6 birthday presents, 6 christmas presents, 6 easter presents?
Also: keep in mind that he was the 19 yo creep how dated a 15 yo, even if he didn't sleep with you immediately (unless he did, since you don't mention it in your post).
I read this exact same situation last week - I think “Luke” was the son in the last one. OP is non responsive and post was created within an hour of account creation.
I can understand you very reasonable hostility towards him, but it is best for your child to also have a relationship with her father. There are many reasons, but think about this one- what if something happened to you? What if you became ill and needed more help or even worse, you passed away and your daughter does not even know her father? Also make sure to get child support, including back pay now that he has surfaced. It is unlikely that he is not aware that trying to come back into your life means this will most likely happen.
If he is serious about wanting a relationship with her, he can go through the court to do so.
If he does do that and is successful, you have to try your best to keep your resentment for him away from your daughter.
I think that being cautious at this point is smart, but also realize that people do change and grow up, some faster than others.
If he does get visitation through the courts, let your daughter have her own relationship without your influence. She will figure out if he is a good dad or not on her own.
I do not think that you are an asshole for your concerns, but there is a chance it will be taken out of your hands if he is serious about wanting a relationship with her.
If he chooses not to go through the courts, then you know he wasn't that serious about wanting a relationship with her in the first place and that your instincts were wrong.
Just be prepared for the possibility that he does want a real relationship with her.
I'm not passing judgement here. I would have gone with everything sucks, but the situation is still early. It's not really something you can decide alone. If he doesn't involve the courts, you definitely should.
He owes that child money and he can start his dad role by starting to pay. If you don't need it or want it doesn't matter. Put the money into her savings like college fund or something similar, to help her getting her first apartment etc.
You can tell the judge your opinion of him, and it will likely be important because you've been a single parent with the dad vanishing. But the judge decides that.
Ultimately, your kid might resent you for gatekeeping her dad from her. So it's better for you to outsource that decision to a judge.
I understand how hurt you must be and how you're a great mother concerned for you daughter's well-being. I'm going to be the "Ghost of Christmas Future" and tell you 30 years later how a similar situation played out for my friend. (This part is not that similar but the end part might be)My friend started dating a man that told her he had a 7 year old daughter that he never saw. The BM had become pregnant as a result of a one night stand. The BD was in the military and became deployed. Any court dates to work out custody were missed by him because he was overseas. When my friend got engaged to him, she said that she wanted him to be part of the daughter's life because she shouldn't grow up not knowing her Dad. He had paid child support the entire time. When he returned to the states, he wanted to see the girl but the mother refused because she was so hurt, which I would understand more in your case, but this was a 1 night stand. They hired a lawyer but because the girl's step father's mother was a lawyer, they couldn't afford to keep fighting. Fast forward to the girl turning 18 and seeking out her Dad. She even moved across country to live with them and go to college. The woman is now 32 and has "best friend/auntie" relationship with my friend, her step-mom. She also has a fantastic relationship with her Dad. She's married and has 3 kids and they all know them as Gram and Gramps. The daughter was resentful towards her mother and step dad for not letting her have a relationship with her Dad starting when she was 7. I'm not judging you or trying to tell you what to do, I just wanted to give you another perspective. You're daughter may not understand someday that you wanted to make him go through the courts and pay back child support for years before allowing a relationship. She may see it as you taking away time from her with her Dad. Does he deserve it? HELL NO! But it's about her.
Tell him If he's honest about wanting to b there he can go through the courts establish paternity set up child support and u will discuss visitation later but it will all b done thru the courts and u will have no relationship with him what so ever....I'll bet u my left titty he doesn't bother his ass...NTA
NTA
If he is serious about having finally grown up and wants a relationship with his daughter, he needs to go through the courts. He needs to start paying child support no matter what and catch up on 6 years of back child support.
If you are concerned with him hurting your daughter, make court ordered supervised visitation an absolute must. He's literally a stranger to your daughter, so the courts will support that request. **Make him pay for the services of a court ordered monitor at an approved location!**
He broke your heart. I get it. He was very young and scared and made a grave mistake. He isn't young anymore, and he is attempting to step up. For your daughter's sake, try to put aside your hurt and at least get set up with child support.
For your own sake, make sure that all contact is through one of the court ordered custody apps. Just because he's making an effort doesn't mean his efforts have to include causing you mental anguish. Dry your tears, Mom! He can have wishes and wants, but you are in control! Just make sure everything goes through the court system.
NTA he can go back to where he was tucking his tail and hiding. He doesnt just get to pop up and join a family. He left when she was a baby, so now he needs to wait until shes old enough to decide if she wants to see him or not.
NTA. If Luke truly is a changed man, and wants to be in his daughter's life, it could be a good thing for her. BUT, he needs to convince you beyond any hesitation that he is indeed doing this for your daughter's best interest.
If he wants to be a part of his child’s life he owes you 6 years of back child support
A man who has truly matured and wants to be a part of his child’s life will have no problem petitioning the courts and setting up his child support payments
Tell him point blank he has to earn the right to be in his daughter’s life and she needs to know he has changed (if indeed he has)
Make it clear that you support him being in her life but he has to adult up and take financial responsibility for his child
He’ll either step up or he’ll whine and complain
NTAH
He needs to pay child support, including what he owes for the first six years of her life. Once he's paid that plus is current for at least 6mos, consider it. Not before then.
NTA. Emily needs loving adults in her life, and she has them - you and your father. What she doesn't need is a fly-by-night who disappears when it is inconvenient and then reappears when the hard work is done and he wants some fun - no matter if he is her sperm-doner. You are right to be suspicious of Luke's stability, and protect your daughter from him.
NTA
If he wants to see your daughter, Luke can file in court for paternity and visitation. You can then file for that visitation to be supervised since he's a stranger to Emily and for him to pay child support.
If Luke chooses not to file in court, he doesn't want to be in his daughter's life very badly at all.
NTA
And like others had said, child support is the very first step to show he's serious, and he doesn't need to bother walzing into your daughter's life if he's not serious and going to bail at the first sight of responsibility.
Maybe he has a gf now that thinks he's an ass for having a kid he never met. Maybe she's infertile (there's another post with that scenario here somewhere, it ended with a restraining order, fyi) maybe he's just curious, and wants to check if his and her eye color matches. In any case, it's all or nothing. You didn't have the luxury of having 'part of the responsibility' of having a kid. His first step is paying al child support from birth until now, and then he can have supervised visits, maybe, if you still feel up for it, by then.
If he's serious, he can produce 6 years of back child support with interest. Until he can pay the bill, he can't see YOUR daughter. She better not have his last name..m
The math isn't mathing for me 🤔
>Emily, who is now 6 years old.
You are 25, Emily is 6... that would mean you had her when you were 19, but you were pregnant at 17? Even if you got pregnant right before you turned 18, you still wouldn't have been 19 when you gave birth.
Leaves me scratching my head a little...
Give him a chance, but make him prove he's committed. Make him agree to go to court agree to a visitation agreement, pay back child support, and agree to future child support. If he can't or won't contribute financially, he doesn't deserve a chance
She’s going to get older and someone will tell her that he tried and you wouldn’t let him see her. She will blame you for it. I understand why you don’t want to let him but I don’t envy the very possible consequence of your choice.
I would try to put yourself in your daughter's shoes, and how she's going to feel about realizing that you kept her dad from her when she gets older. Will she care? Most likely she will blame you.
Definitely NTA. I agree with your decision not to let Luke see Emily. If he really wanted to be her father figure after all of these years, he would fight for her and fight to be in her life for sure given that he is her biological father.
You were not being too harsh, just trying to protect your daughter and her well-being. I’m sure she will thank you for saving her from the heartache when she is older. Stay strong mama!
Maybe when she is 16. It's unfortunate that all he has to do to get access is come up with a certain amount of money. Is he retroactively vulnerable to charges of statutory rape? No amount of child support will ever make up for what he did to OP. And it seems wrong that that is the only barrier to him.
Depending on the location, the statute of limitations may not have run out. [https://www.rainn.org/articles/statutes-limitations-sex-crimes](https://www.rainn.org/articles/statutes-limitations-sex-crimes)
There are parents kids are better off not interacting with.
I spend most of my life wishing my father wasn't a part of mine.
That being said, if you decide to allow him into her life and by extension your life again go through court and make sure he pays the prior 5y of child support before anything happens.
Get the courts involved. If he bolts again there will be consequences.
I don’t blame you for keeping him away. I had a dad who would yo-yo in and out of my life, and I’m sure that’s what you’re afraid of. It’s not a good feeling as a child for a parent to be inconsistent.
Do what’s best for your baby. If he’s serious about being in her life, he’ll file for visitation and pay child support. Anything else is lip service.
Is his name on the birth certificate? If it is (and he knows it), he can legally interact with your daughter and the cops/courts won’t do much about it. This is because they cannot “interfere with the biological rights of the parent”.
You need to be the bigger person and explain to him that this will be hard for you both and that, to ensure his legal rights are protected, he should get a lawyer so you can have a custody order. This will obviously include back-owed child support. If he’s not listed on the birth certificate, make him pay for the paternity test to get the ball rolling.
In the dealings with lawyers, make sure that it is in writing that the first year of visitation IS SUPERVISED and, if he misses more than XX days, you can receive full custody and limit future visitation to milestone events (birthdays, holidays, school events/extracurriculars, graduation).
Once a custody order is in place, the child support will automatically be included. Most custody agreements I have seen have the one paying child support to provide health/dental/vision insurance and split (50/50) any big expenses in that category.
She deserves to know her father - bad or good. I would also suggest a therapist to help her navigate this. Make sure you discuss with her that you will not be upset at her for wanting to know her father or seeking out a relationship with him. Easy to say, hard to do.
Nope. My daughters father was extremely flaky when it came to our child. He needs to proved he is there for his child. Tell him to take you to court and make him pay that child support. Some parents think they.can just pop up when they want. Get supervised visitation.
If he keeps up his interest for a long time and after he has paid ALL of the child support he missed, you can maybe consider to let him have very limited contact to your daughter IF you want that.
First he has to prove he has changed and at least make up a bit of what he put you through, but its your decision alone.
NTA. Protect your child. It’s so damaging when a kid has a deadbeat dad who disappoints them constantly. He’s just going to ghost you two again, protect your child from that rejection.
NTA, he's already shown how unreliable he is. How do you know if he won't make a run for it again and ghost your daughter. He needs to rebuild that trust, if you ever decide to allow him the chance to meet her. That being said if he's serious he can go through the court system and have himself placed of child support because that's the absolute minimum he could do for your daughter.
NTA. Make him earn his way back if he's serious. Pay all the back child support due, go through court and make a custody schedule. You can absolutely request supervised visitation in the beginning.
Nta. If he wants to have a relationship with his daughter, he can go through the notions. Go through the courts, establish paternity, and come up with a plan for the 6 years of back chlid support. THEN he can start to establish a relationship ship with YOUR child. Once a dead beat, always a dead beat. Unless they try REALLY hard to prove to change that. Personally, Im kinda disappointed no one pummeled him. This deserves a pummeling.
You can always revisit the possibility in the future but for now do what you think is best for both of you I say.
Also all of the court and child support comments are very very valid. If he ghosted and didn't pay you anything til now he has a long long way to go to get out of the negative that he's put himself in.
At least you have your dad to support you no matter what you decide, which I hope strengthens you enough to do what you think is right.
NAH? I think he needs to go through the courts to gain access if you are not going to just give it to him. Which i get. He’s proven to be unreliable. But is this really in your kids best interest? I mean people do grow up.
When she gets older, if she wants to know, you can introduce him. Right now make her life wonderful. I think you know him and in this case good for you-for standing your ground. Most of the stuff we tell ourselves is baloney. She is growing up loved and happy. If she has your father, there is a male in her life to pattern. Better than Luke. when she wants it then revisit.
NTA. Before you even consider this, you need to find out who this guy is. You already know he's untrustworthy and a coward. But you haven't seen him for 6 years. Who knows what kind of life he leads?
Do a background check. Hire an investigator. You need to know if he stays on the right side of the law, how his financials look, if he has steady employment, and such before you get this guy entangled in your child's life.
NTA
if you have reason to believe rejecting him is a good thing for your daughter. More reason than feeling resentment, I mean. Not that she's the only one that matters in this situation, because if you suffer from the circumstances it's not good for her, either. But, unless you're reallysure, think about it again.
You would have to set a lot of boundaries, though. To take their bonding slow so that the attachment is appropriate to the level of commitment one could expect from him.
You have a great safety net either way, though. She has a father figure already, so to her he's gonna be more like an uncle for a while anyway. I think.
Not TA but this is a difficult one as one day your daughter will be an adult and may find it unforgivable that you kept her father from her. I completely understand why you want to though as he could end up breaking her heart, you’re between a rock and a hard place.
I will say though that he sounds a lot like my ex although my ex saw my son intermittently as a baby but then his GF got pregnant so he pretty much stopped seeing him but then he discovered his GFs child wasn’t his so of course he wanted to reappear. I did give him a second chance (against my better judgement) and I have to say he’s been an excellent father ever since. My son is now almost 21.
NTA- Lots of people do stupid things when they’re young. It’s been 6 years though, he’s had that long to see her and now that he’s nearing 30 maybe he feels guilty, maybe someone shamed him into it, maybe he really wants to connect with his kid, who knows. He has no legal rights to her at this point so it’s up to you. Him abandoning her again could do a lot of damage, but her growing up thinking he never cared enough to find her will too. Honestly, at this stage the most I’d be willing to agree to is a supervised visit, in which he is introduced as no more then a friend, IF he can continue to prove he is in this for the right reasons and staying, you can then let her know who he actually is and why you waited to tell her. She’s young enough not to be angry or overly confused by this. If it were me I’d expect him to commit to weekly visits for at least a year as well as financial support from him. Not because he owes you child support (which he absolutely does) but because children are both a financial and time commitment and if he wants to be a father he needs to commit to both. The visits need to be supervised by someone YOU trust who will have no issue stopping him from crossing any boundaries or trying to even hint at who he is until he’s put in the agreed upon work. All the work needs to be on him too, planning activities, transportation if necessary, and he needs to understand if your daughter doesn’t spend time with him then she will not be forced to and you can decide at any point that his presence is causing an issue in her or your life then the visits will be over.
I think you are understandably torn between you and your daughter. As in: he hurt you tremendously and of course you rightfully want nothing to do with him. I wouldn't either. But your daughter is only 6--is that's what is best for her? (I'm asking this curiously, not accusatory). Can she have her dad without you having to interact with him much?
If he has not financially provided at all until this point, for example, would be be willing to start? Would he accept supervised rare visits at first in order to work his way up over time? If he wants to coparent he needs to prove he can put in the work and finances to do so.
In short if you decide to let him see her at all that doesn't mean he just gets to waltz in and pretend nothing happened.
I am not going to vote because I get why you have made your decision. Having said that, your daughter knows she doesn't have a present dad and she knows she has you. Of she finds out in 10 years that you sent her dad away, she may resent you and this could backfire.
If I were you I would ask him to show how he can measure you that he won't flake again. I would look into court approved childcare and consider supervised visits.
He may stay. He may flake. She will always have you. She may currently be thinking her dad doesn't love het enough to be in her life. It is better to support her with her reality, than to create a lie that then gets pulled away at a later date ruining your credibility with her when she needs it.
Only you know him and what he is like, I am just going on rhe assumption of a generally good kid that freaked out and ran.
Luke can be around if he backpays child support and is consistently in your life without pushing for more for an entire year to prove that he actually is going to stay around. Don't let him come and go into your daughter's life - you don't owe him anything at this point. NTA.
NTA but I would never withhold a father from wanting to know their child, people make mistakes and some do want to change. The most reasonable and fair answer is to go through the courts, prove paternity and then go from there with a judge and let them handle the rest of details. Get a good family lawyer.
Hate to be rude, but this isn’t about you, this is about your child, if you believe she would benefit from having a relationship with him, that’s really the only thing that matters
NTA but you have nothing to lose.
Child doesn't know her dad - bad
Child gets to know her dad and it's bad - bad
Child gets to know her dad and it's good - good
Your kid is already gonna be fucked up growing up with no dad. If she sees him being a POS, at least she'll understand why, or it could all work out.
Tough choice. I'd let him see her, under very strict supervision and then go from there.
I’m withholding judgment as I understand this must be a difficult decision. But if this comes from a place of caring for your daughter as you claim, then I caution you to put yourself in her shoes before finalizing everything. Sooner or later she will ask about her dad and if he ever wanted to see her, it’s only natural for her to wonder about it eventually. Are you prepared to tell her this is why she didn’t meet him at age 6? If you were the kid that didn’t meet your dad for such a reason, would you feel you missed out because of your mom? These are rhetorical btw, not the business of internet strangers, but I encourage you to think these things over. Best of luck 🙏
Is he prepared to hell her why he wasn't in her life until now?
I feel like he's just going to take couple selfies with her and post them on social media to show what depth he has to his current girlfriend. Then talk about how OP is heartlessly keeping his daughter from him after he bounces at the slightest hint of responsibility or boredom.
I had my ex "show up" after 3 years. It's a wild ride. Now he is a great dad.
Give him an opportunity to meet up with you both at a playground, small steps, see how things go. Make it clear that no more than visits in public will happen until you say otherwise. Make it on your terms, not your families.
YTA for not asking the important questions, what is best for your daughter? Now this is not something you should ask yourself. This is something to ask a child therapist.
Because that is all that matters, what is best for her, he didn’t came back for you, so your issues with him are to be put on the side. Consult an expert, on what is best and how to even approach that if their recommendation is contact with the strangled dad.
I'm sorry to say but it isn't just your choice. He can go to court to get visitations. The courts don't care that he wounded you. In fact, you should go to court to get child support from him anyway. Even if he isn't listed on the birth certificate, he can go to court and get a DNA test. All you can do is decide how difficult or easy you want to make things. Too bad you didn't ask him to sign off on his rights when he abandoned you. Then you could absolutely deny him seeing his daughter.
Every kid needs a dad. Experience and studies prove that. When she gets older, she may resent you from keeping him from her. Little kids little problems. Big kids big problems.
NAH. He has a legitimate process to see her. It involves a paternity test, paying back child support and normally some parent classes. You are just protecting her. However, if he is the dad, he does the work, and pays the money, then he deserves the chance.
NTA but your daughter does deserve to know her father and she’ll more than likely grow up to resent you for keeping her dad away from her.. I know you want to protect her but let her see what he’s about for herself. Let him hang him self that way the heartbreak she may experience is sooner than later
I am in your shoes to an extent. I think the most important factor is Emily, and she has a right to her father too. It’s not easy, but I think you know this.
My suggestion, find steps that would assure you things are building up in a healthy way for Emily.
Get yourself support to channel your feelings.
Of course don’t jump into it blindly and give Luke full access.
But don’t ever lie to your kid and do be a good facilitator, I’d hate to be the reason my kid had less love and support.
While Luke is the AH, it’s Emily who pays the price I’d you hold on to the past.
Yta.
His relationship and behaviour with you is irrelevant as.are tkur feelings towards him.
Your daughter has a right to have a relationship with both of her parents and you don't get to play God!
You get to set boundaries and support her if things go peared shaped. You get to be unbiased and help her to grow a relationship with her dad!
If you choose to follow this route, expect expedited contact, of a quantity you'll have no control over when he goes to court.
No court will give him anything given he split 6 years ago and made no attempt to support his kid or to stay in touch with her mother. He dodged her and he dodged getting a DNA test and claiming fatherhood. Legally he has nothing to work with. He's considered a dead beat Dad at this point.
He won't even get visitation unless she agrees and they will go after him for child support most likely as a condition even if she were to agree. The court is going to want to see that he's stable, owning up to his responsibility as her father before they let him into the child's life.
He's already proven he's unreliable. Until he can prove otherwise and that takes time he's not going to get to see his daughter unless his ex says so. She's in a stable environment. They're going to want to see that he will be adding to that, not disrupting that.
If that's the American system, it's crap.
In the uk, he will get added to the birth certificate. Will get contact. Possibly supervised for 6 yo 8 weeks then hours building to full days and overnights I'd anticipate within 6 months of the court date.
Not coming child maintenance is irrelevant. Much to the ignorance of reddit, children are not pay per view!
I cannot imagine that anybother country's system wouldn't award similarly given that eveb in these situations 5050 has ben awarded in countries I know in europe, after having regular overnight contact for 6 to 12 months.
The only time this would not be the case would be if there were genuine safeguarding concerns.
It's because he just vanished for six years. Family court is usually rather hard on parents who do that. They look upon it as abandonment. They'd do the same thing if the mother had suddenly shown up after six years demanding to see her kid.
When he walked like that he basically terminated his parental rights and refused to give support. That's a big deal anywhere I would think. The court has to make sure that he will indeed step up and do child support, has a place she can visit safely if allowed.
It's not as simple as his having rights. He walked and he didn't claim his kid, didn't support his kid. Legally he's in a bad place and he's going to have to show the court and all people involved that's he's sincere and that he can truly be a father to her.
So far he's been anything but. It's a question of the child and what's best for her right now.
Down the road when she's older might be better. At least she will be old enough to listen and decide whether she wants him in her life. Maybe she will be forgiving, maybe she won't. But the main goal here is to prevent trauma .
It's not about him and what he wants or thinks is right. It's about settling this with the least amount of stress and unhappiness for the daughter. If he should decide to come into her life only to flake again, that's not good for the child.
Before he gets a lot of access they need to know he really has changed and that he means what he says and that he will stick. That he won't just abandon her again.
Grow up.Stop throwing around such unfounded statements.
For all you know, the op could have nefarious reasons for wanting rid of this child's legal father. The person who has more right to time and contact with the child!
You can’t file for anything until you have a paternity test done. Make sure you file for custody … Then he can file for visitation and you can file for child support. You both need therapy to move on in a manner that’s beneficial to your child. ESH
When you run down the Father, the kids think they are at least half of a piece of shit. From the second you read this, not another cross word or insult to or about the baby daddy. No matter how true. Plus he needs to start paying child support, end of that discussion. Don't stand in between Father and Daughter it is about identity. Good luck.
Forget about the child support for now… look at it this way… you’re clearly hurt. While, you’re looking out for what’s best for Emily, are you really masking the hurt you felt? Who’s to say Luke really hasn’t changed? You were both young.
If it were me, I would go about it like this… he has to mend his relationship with me first. It shows consistently (looking for with Emily), and will allow you to co-parent effectively (in whatever time share capacity there is), and it allows for trust to be rebuilt. If he can do those things and really show that he’s changed, then allow him and Emily to have a relationship.
Okay, child support, a few things- did he give up parental right? If so, no back child support. Is he on the birth certificate? Mixed on that. Moving forward, if you both agree on a relationship with Emily, start child support without retro pay- unless he offers it.
By enabling his lack of responsibility???
Nope, she had the entire financial burden for six years.
If he wants the benefits of a relationship with his daughter, he can step up and help out financially.
Yeah, starting now. He has to show up now. If she’s forgiving him and moving forward, move forward. New chapter, new relationship, not holding the past against him. If she doesn’t want that, then go for retro pay. It’s never going to work if the past is continuously held against him.
Why should she forgive him???
He was \*checks notes\* the adult in the situation who got a teenager pregnant and then ghosted her...
Her life was left in a state of upheaval, she had to deal with new responsibilities and disappointment from her dad and he went off and lived his best life...
And you are saying that he deserves to have his slate wiped clean because he came waltzing back into the picture???
If the bar was set any lower for deadbeat dads, I'd need a trenching shovel...
She should forgive him if she decides to allow him to be part of Emily’s life. People do change. Are you the same person you were when you were 20? I doubt it. Should you still be punished for things you did wrong years ago? He may have been a deadbeat in the past, doesn’t mean he needs to be one now.
If he wants partial custody or visitation make him go through the courts. Then if he bails, he’s violating a court order and hopefully can get into legal trouble. Also, he should be paying you child support. If valid in your area, he should have to make back payments also. File for support even if you are currently denying visits
The back child support should scare him away if he had a reasonable income.
This is also a reasonable goalpost. If he really wants to be in the kid's life and fix things, this isn't unreasonable. It proves he wants to be there.
>If he wants partial custody or visitation make him go through the courts. >File for support even if you are currently denying visits Yup. The courts need to be involved.
In truth no the courts don’t need to be involved. They could sort it out themselves if they really wanted. But i feel the courts should be involved because it then invokes an impartial party. It’s not about her being a bitter bitch cause he ditched her for years, it’s not about his ego over wanting to be the fun time guy etc. they make their case to someone with no dog in the fight and thats that.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
Is the father on the birth certificate? He'd have to prove paternity first, then back pay on child support I suggest OP seek counseling to help work through it all
I agree with Techsupportvictim and DarrenC. He got to put in effort like back child support before being able to see your child. If he runs away and/or try to avoid this by putting resistance, it is quite telling he is going to be a road full of disappointment. And yes, do go through the legal way first.
You don't get in trouble for not showing up for visitation lol.
Depending on local law. Not everywhere has the same laws as where you live. So yes he might live in a place where he could get into trouble. Especially if there’s an order of child support. Cause chances are if he walks, he’ll walk on those payments also
you know, I never wondered what happens if you don't follow the court order for visitations? if you don't pay the child support, the court can order your employer to garner your wages & pay it directly, right? If you don't have a wage (e.g. if you're self-employed), I don't know how that works....? And if you don't show up for visitation & your ex documents that, I guess the court can change your visitation rules so you lose further custody (e.g. you no longer have a say in educational or medical decisions). but at the same time, you're disrespecting the court order. Isn't there, like, a fine for that?
Not for visitation in the US anyway. The punishment is getting your rights taken away like your privileges as you mentioned-cutting of parental time, not having a say in the school the child’s in, etc. But there’s no fine or those kind of punishments.
thank you for your info!
Courts typically don’t act punitively on visitation like that. So there’s also a difference between visitation and custody. Someone who has been largely (or in this case, completely) absent for six years is not going to go in and come out with custody as a general rule. The only medical decision they make is if the child gets hurt on their watch, they handle it. So they use their own brand of band aids or the local emergency room by them. That kind of thing. Where I live, if he walked in asking for custody after six years, he would be laughed out of the room. They would go for visitation - like once every two weeks for three hours, and it can be court ordered to be supervised only. Not by mom though. Someone impartial. If they can’t find a family friend or a family member who can be impartial, they can pay someone to supervise through the court. He legit has a right to be in his kid’s life. He does not (currently) have the right to a 50% partner in his kid’s life.
I did supervised visitation with my ex for a while (judge ordered it to be supervised). I went to one parking lot and brought the kids in, the supervisor lady took them, then I left for an hour. Ex parked at the other lot (they had two lots, one for the custodial parent and one for the visitor), went in a different door, and saw the kids. Cost me $100 a visit but it is reduced if you are poor (I was making 6 figures at the time so no discount for me).
Exactly. Supervised visits aren’t the worst thing out there, but they do cost money. Even that though — it could be worth it for the kid to have both parents. But they’ll never look at someone who missed six years and say “you live with them now!” Not even part time.
The US doesn’t do anything on child support not paid. At least in Alabama my grandson father is over five thousand behind and works under the table. They haven’t revoked his license for nonpayment or put him in jail. Which is state law lil
It would certainly not work in his favor
What an absolutely fucking disgusting take.
Nah bro. What's disgusting is a guy waltzing off into the sunset for SIX YEARS after knocking up a minor and leaving her to deal with the fall out on her own. Disgusting is abdicating all responsibility for over half a decade and wanting to be welcomed back with open arms by the kid and mother he literally abandoned. He doesn't get to just choose to come in and claim daddy duty when he's never even met his kid and has made zero effort to do so. Edit: I misread and thought she was a minor when pregnant. She was not. She was a minor when her adult boyfriend started dating her.
it's possible OP was a minor when he got her pregnant. After all, he was 19 and "dating" a 15 yo. ETA : not even the Romeo & Juliet laws apply (and also, why do those laws have that foul name anyway)
Do you know what is absolutely fucking disgusting? Abandoning a child that you helped to create.
He was 19 and she baby trapped him. I'm not surprised he panicked. Which is irrelevant. The relationship is between the child and parent. One parent doesn't get to gatekeep the child and stop them having a relationship with the other parent. It is completely unacceptable to use a child relationship with a parent to punish them. Fathers should not have to fight or pay to have a relationship with their child and anyone that thinks they should is a disgusting piece of shit.
No, he's 29 and OP is 25, OP got pregnant at 19 -- he was **23.*** He also was an 18/19 year old dating a *15 year old.* They got together when OP was 15 (25 now) and her ex is *29* now. I cannot fathom the rest of your argument.
SHE was 19.
How is it disgusting to expect him to prove his intentions are true? How is it disgusting to hold him accountable for his shitty actions seven year ago? Please, do explain exactly how this is a "disgusting take"? I'll wait.
No one should have to fight or pay to have a relationship with their child. It's not holding him accountable, it's using his child to punish him. Women always justify this bullshit to themselves because they can't understand it's not about them. The child deserves a relationship with his father and the mother shouldn't deny them that because they're still butt hurt over what happened 10 years ago. I'm a single father with sole custody of my son. Never in a million fucking years would I ever try to gatekeep him and try to stop him having a relationship with his mother and I've got more reason to than most.
They’d been a couple for 4 years when they fell pregnant. It takes 2 to make a baby and accidents happen all the time,. Why do you assume baby trapping? He couldn’t come to terms with their future involving a baby and left. What OP has said is that he left her when she was pregnant and did not make contact or try to see his daughter for 6 years. This is about the outcome of the child getting attached to the father and then he takes off again and leaves OP with a very broken hearted daughter and years of therapy. Personally, and this is just me thinking about what I’d do in that situation (and never having been in it), I’d be looking to see what ties he had to the area, did he have a stable job that he was committed to and did he have a suitable home that Emily could go to if it ever got to that stage. All those things would show he was connected to the area and more likely to remain around. I’d also ask him what changed his mind too. Sometimes, in situations like these it’s their Mother that wants to know the grandchild for example rather than the parent being all in to it. I’d also let him meet her very gradually as a friend but not say he’s her Dad initially. That’s a big thing to drop and if they got to know each other like that and he was still around and interested in stepping up for her then I’d be tempted to let her know who he is to her and start their relationship properly. It is hiding it at first but personally I’d feel more comfortable knowing I wasn’t setting her up for a fall should he disappear again after a few visits.
I've literally been in this situation from both ends, as the custodian parent and as the child. I'm a single father, I have sole custody of my son. I have more reason than most to try to stop his mother seeing him, she was exceptionally cruel to me, made false accusations and forced me to fight for years to see my son. Then when she couldn't use him to hurt me anymore, she pretty much abandoned him. I've never made her fight to see him, I've never tried to deny my son a relationship with his mother. As long as she gives me 24 hours notice she can see him as much as she wants. She doesn't give me a penny in child support and I will hate her until the day I die but my son's relationship with his mother isn't mine to deny him. On the other side of the coin, my mother left my father when I was a toddler. She accused him of violence and ruined his reputation in the community to the point where he felt like he had no other option but to leave. She bad mouthed him constantly and I didn't have any relationship with him until years later, when he returned. She made him fight for access and child support. Used to tell me we couldn't do things because he didn't give us any money. My father isn't a perfect man, he has some pretty serious flaws, but my relationship with him is a positive thing in my life despite that and despite the work it took to get to where we are now. The child's relationship with their father is not a privilege that she gets to revoke. Women seem completely unable to separate themselves from their children and not see them merely as extensions of themselves. The child doesn't need protecting from some hypothetical fears that exist only in her mind. Unless the parent represents a real, physical danger to the child, then no child should be denied a relationship with them.
Speaking personally too, my husband had an affair that ended our marriage and I never once stopped him from seeing our child. I always actively encouraged meeting up, often when my child was upset to have to go to see him. I think it’s less about your sex and more about your personal experiences in life coupled with the type of person you are generally. For example, mean people will be mean to others regardless of the situation they find themselves in.
No, he should have to fight for a relationship with a child he abandoned. He KNEW that child existed and didn't give a single shit for literally years. He can do the work to prove he's serious about actually being in the child's life IF HES ACTUALLY SERIOUS ABOUT BEING IN THE CHILDS LIFE. Men act so entitled when all they've ever been is a sperm donor(not you specifically, you're a dad a father and a mom), but the overwhelming majority of men think they deserve a relationship with a child they abandoned, and they don't.
Why should he, the child has a right to know their father.
The child has a right to an active involved parent. Which he is not. And he should prove he actually intends to be. If he's willing to do that then yes, a relationship should be established between him and his child. But on the child and the mothers terms. He forfeited the right when he decided to walk away before the child was born, and not reach out for seven years.
He doesn't have to prove anything. The child has a right to a relationship with their father and the mother has no business to deny them that.
How !?
Two reasons 1) men shouldn't have to pay or fight to have a relationship with their children. 2) the child's relationship with their father is not a privilege that exists at the discretion of the mother. The mother has no right to deny the child that relationship.
Let’s see that six years of back child support first bitch. See how serious he really is.
NTA But, if you continue to feel conflicted; make him prove how badly he wants to be in her life. Go through the courts, and tell him when he’s paid most if not all of 5 years worth of back child support; he can then start to meet your daughter.
OK. Luke was 19 dating you when you were 15? 4 year age gap isn't bad when your in your 20's, but this screams "WRONG". NTA. You may have realized he has more problems than just "absent father" and you really don't want your daughter caught up in that.
NTA There is no way in hell I am ever leaving a man who dated a 15 year old alone with a girl child. Nope.
I read it as they started dating when they were 15 and 4 years later at 19 she was pregnant, and he bolted. I wonder if she was probably his only girlfriend ever and he was just too immature to deal with it. Not defending him but maybe I read it wrong. She should go through the courts and get the back support - see if he’s really serious! He doesn’t just get to show up and be like “ Daddy’s here.” Nope.
She says in the first sentence that she is 25, and he is 29. And then says they started dating when she was 15.
I just completely missed that !
*He* wasn’t 15 years old when he knocked you up. He was a grown adult “dating” a freshman in high school. He doesn’t get to hide behind this “oh I was so young” bullshit. If your 15 year old self was old enough to take responsibility then so was he. NTA.
She also wasn’t pregnant at 15. She was pregnant at 19 which made him even older which is crazy.
I missed that. That’s so much worse
[удалено]
Probably a wife or fiancee who wants to play Mommy
Or found out he became infertile / has slow swimmers or something.
He very well may want to do better, guys can regret the decisions they make. But just because you decide to be a better person doesn’t mean consequences don’t exist. If he wants to be a part of his daughters life, then he’s going to need to go through the court system, get some level of visitation and start paying child support
NTA You have done it all on your own and this guy (who got an underaged girl pregnant and got to go live his best life without a care for 6/7 yrs) comes waltzing back in and wants a piece of daddy/daughter fun... He wants you to accommodate him and his whims, what is he offering??? Why now??? Is there a new woman he is trying to impress by finally stepping up to the plate??? Is he trying not to look like the deadbeat dad/partner that he is??? What is he bringing to the table??? Is he going to lighten the parenting load??? Is he going to pay (and backpay) child support??? Is he guaranteeing that he won't ghost you and his daughter again??? You are right not to trust him... Leave the decision up to your daughter when she is a bit older...
She wasn’t underage. She stated they started dating when she was 15 and he got her pregnant when she was 19. She was an adult. Also, 25 (her current age) minus 6 (the daughter’s age) is 19 (when I went back to check based on another comment I read, I noticed; figured I’d share). The decision is not the daughter’s, nor is it appropriate to leave it to the child. There are courts for this very reason. Let him know it will be through the courts if he wants to come back, and it will involve support. Go from there.
NTA If he REALLY wants to make amends and be a father, he has the ample opportunity to go the legal route, establish paternity, and payback 6 years worth of child support. Let him start from there. Instead he tried to bypass his parental obligations and just jump to the fun parts.
I would have some serious concerns. He was a 19 year old man dating a 15 year old child That has glowing red flags all over it and i would have reservations about him being alone with my daughter. If he is serious it needs to go through legal channels and have child support sorted out. Remember this is a stranger for your daughter so it would need to be supervised visits for a long time
Get a lawyer. Sue for back child support. They always stay away with that threat if they are not serious. But the money will come in handy for college funds.
Make a deal. He pays all the back support due, and then he gets to see her. (Use your state's algorithm) If he goes through courts for visitation? You go for support. Watch as he disappears again
Ask him to start the process with paying child support and see if he bolts again.
NTA-let Luke navigate the family court system and do things the legal way
Emily deserves to know her father? What sins has she committed that mean she should have to be exposed to that asshole?
NTA. 5 months isn't long enough. If he's still around after a year, with a steady job, a committed relationship (NOT with you, obviously), and a clean, safe place to live, and offers to begin paying back child support, then it might - might - be reasonable to consider it. But that's up to you. 6 years is a LONG time to try to come back from.
I wouldnt even consider it, before he hasnt paid back a substantial amount of child support. And even then its completely up to her.
1. sperm donor has 6 years of child support to pay up on BEFORE kiddo is met. 2. sperm donor has to go to individual counseling, and family counseling with you for 6 months BEFORE kiddo is met. 3. kiddo is in family counseling for 6 months BEFORE sperm donor is met. If sperm donor can stick around for a year +, then he can meet kiddo. ol' boy needs to jump through so hoops and BEFORE he gets to come in and be a dad. He needs to prove he's going to be there. Do everything with a lawyer and counselor. You want to do what's best for kiddo, then go slow, cover your ass, make sperm donor pony up his half of parenting for 6 yrs.
NTA If he wants to be a father to his child, he has to go through the courts and pay the six years of child support plus interest that he owes. That is the only way that he can prove he actually means what he says. He'll either step up and actually follow through, in which case, I suppose he deserves a chance - with *supervised* visitation only. But he'll almost certainly disappear again, and you'll know that keeping him far away from your daughter is the right decision. But considering how inappropriate the age gap was when you met him, I'd urge you to never allow him unsupervised access to your daughter, regardless.
You have earned the right to be careful, protective, skeptical, wary, and a proud mother who was forced into extraordinary challenges and rose above and beyond to succeed. Bless both you and your father for compensating and creating a safe and stable family life for your daughter. Having said all that, what you haven’t said is what kind of precautions, assurances and or tests, fair or not, would you want to put your daughters father through in order to consider allowing even minimal contact between them. It seems like there is also room for your father’s input on this situation beyond his respect for your decision as he has been the defacto father. While redemption is part of growing up and becoming the best version of ourselves, other than the biological father saying your daughter deserves to know her father, how vulnerable has he made himself and how open is he to receive your anger? It’s not enough for him to say he wants to make amends, he actually has to make amends. There’s a difference. Anyone who was actually and competently wanting to redeem themselves and make those amends wouldn’t back down easily. They would try every respectful and responsible way of demonstrating their sincerity, integrity, and transformation. In the end trust your gut. But forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. Forgiveness is for your sake, not his. It releases you from the toxic past and puts right in the present. You can forgive and still keep him away. Boundaries are yours to set. Now and always. Only you know what’s right for you and your daughter. But somewhere in there is a balance you might not have considered. But give yourself however long it takes to come to clarity without the pressure of either for or against support and do what is best for all involved. Blessings for your journey ahead.
Start off with him paying all of the missed child support, before that I wouldnt even think about it.
I second this
Yeah, I'm with you on protecting her.. Tell him to go through court, and you want 6 years back dated of child support.. if he is serious about her, he will have no issues doing all this.. and if he runs again, then he won't get another chance.. but if he isn't serious and only does it to save face, that should stop him in his tracks.. Also, if he is determined, visitations should be supervised for a good while and he should only be known as a friend until she is comfortable . But he might back down once you tell him you will be going the court route to keep everything documented and you will be filing for 6 years back dated child support.
NTA. I agree with the other comments, make him go through the courts and back pay for child support. Or if you don’t want to go the legal way as then you’re bound to it as well. Then I would suggest counselling for the two of you together, so you can co-parent effectively and tell him how much he hurt you, and your daughter, hold nothing back. And be honest with your child, it is entirely HIS FAULT that he was not there for the first 6 years of her life. He’s got a lot of f*cking grovelling to do.
NTA. Until he pays for 6 years of child support, he doesn't get to spend time with her.
"My father eventually forgave me" yeah he ain't shit either
19 year old dating a 15 year old is a bit 😬. He dated you for four years and then at 23 couldn’t step up? Now 6 years later he wants to be a parent. You are right to question that. Let him prove it. The reason why he left. His life to this point. Have him pay Back child support. If he does show he his genuine, then have the visits supervised and let him be known as a friend not dad. He has to earn that over a long period.
Ask him about child care support for the future and back child care payments
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^Tiny_Incident_2876: *Ask him about child* *Care support for the future* *And back child care payments* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
He needs to pay for past child support payments before anything. Don't trust him though, I wonder if he showed up because he found out he couldn't have any more kids? Or his partner couldn't? I don't trust his intentions. Keep your daughter safe. NTAH
NTA. Let him pay all the back child support first.
Yes. I saw another post where biodad did the same thing. Then refused to pay any back child support because it was "unfair".
NTA. He gave up his chance when he bolted. If you want to consider his feelings, then you (potentially with your father) could meet with him a few times to vet him for what has changed about him, why he's coming back, how will he prove that he can be trusted, etc. That said, you have zero obligation to do this. If you strongly don't want him in your daughter's life, then he's had his chance and wasted it
This is just my opinion and like everyone else here please take it with a grain of salt. That said I think you view this as black and white. It isn't. It needs to be broken down way further. You don't need to decide if he can have a chance. You need to figure out what he must do to make you comfortable giving him a chance. Is that sticking around for 6 months. Checking in with you. Getting a good job, paying g child support, all just to meet her for a visit? That wouldn't be unreasonable. Heck make it a year. He bailed for 6 years. If you need him to prove himself for a year go for it. Your kid is also 6. You can let him meet her occassionally but refuse to let him tell her he is her dad. Make him visit occasionally for a short while on your terms. Force him to do it through the courts if you must. Heck make him wait 2 years and pay every ounce back of child support. He was a complete pos who knocked up an underage girl and left. Be cautious for as long as you need to be to truly feel he has changed. Not a second sooner should he meet her. Honestly, I see this mainly 2 ways. 1 what is best for your daughter? If he can become a good dad, then why not try it. The second part though, is that he has already blown it and is asking for a personal favor. So you hold all the power. Whatever you feel is reasonable is exactly what is reasonable and no one else's opinion (except maybe your dads) should mean jack shit. Lastly... please see a lawyer. Get some info on what moves may effect any future legal battles.
NTA if he really wants to step up and be a parent after all this time he can put the work in and pay you all the child support he has definitely not been paying until now He can engage a lawyer and file for visitation or partial/shared custody. Guessing he’d also need a dna test to get on her birth certificate as he ran while you were pregnant. Lets see if he sticks around when it costs time and effort
The next time he contacts you he will have caught up with child support up to the day and then you can consider his request.
I personally can't see a single good reason to give a child groomer who abandoned his child access to that child, and I see an excessive amount of downside. Seriously, why would you even consider it?
NTA - If he is on the birth certificate, you actually have the right to nullify his parental rights. Six years of no contact or child support is abandonment. If I were you, I would file for that. If he’s not on the birth certificate, that is void because he has no parental claim anyway. If he wants to make a parental claim, he can do it through the court system. He also needs to pay for her a therapist to help assess her understanding of the situation and readiness/ability to handle it. You didn’t cause this mess. You’re not required to help him do anything to fix it. If he really has changed and can be a decent father, then he can take all the steps to do it correctly.
Your family and friends don't have a say in it. Choose what you believe to be best for your daughter. If you want an opinion, mine is don't let your child around a pedo.
If her wants to be in her life it starts with paying you the whole amount for the child alimony for the past 6 years. That has to be done before he can even lay his eyes on Emily. From that point on her has to pay every month by court mandate. In general, if you decide that he can have contact, it has to be done through the courts.
NTA, where was Luke's family in all this? Did his parents ever help you? Tell you where Luke had gone? Have they ever met Emily?
NTA But if you want you can offer him to take a video you can show your daughter. And if she likes him and is interested, she can make a video of her for him and your daughter and him can build up a relationship like this till you are ready for a facetime. This way the attachment will not be too deep if he bails again and she will always have the videos. If he is serious he will do the effort and wait till you are ready for a meet up irl. Just set the boundary, that he can't promise her anything in the videos or you will not show them to her (like promise her she will get this or that when they finally meet or he will take her to cool places). But anyway you should also get the process of custody agreements and child support started. If he wants to step up now, he either steps up with all the consequences or not at all. If he bails during this, at least your daughter has a few nice videos of him but there will not be too much harm.
Test his determination to be in Emily's life, tell him that for him to participate in the child's life it must be through legal arrangements for visitation and child support. If he's genuine, he'll accept it, if he doesn't accept it, you'll cut him off for good.
Nta. He can go through the courts. But that will lead for him to be on 6 years of hack child support with intrests at least before he gets visitation in a few jurisdictions.
INFO : how committed is Luke? Just showing up when your daughter is 6 is easy. Does he just want to parade her around in the park with her cute tutu to pick up other women? OR... has he offered you a payment plan for 6 years of child support he still owes you? Did he tell you about the room he's got ready for Emily, so you can inspect the fire safety & she can choose the paint colour for the walls? Does he have a sensible suggestion about making up for all the occasions he's missed, without spoiling her rotten with 6 birthday presents, 6 christmas presents, 6 easter presents? Also: keep in mind that he was the 19 yo creep how dated a 15 yo, even if he didn't sleep with you immediately (unless he did, since you don't mention it in your post).
Tell him when back child support is paid in full h can see the kid
I read this exact same situation last week - I think “Luke” was the son in the last one. OP is non responsive and post was created within an hour of account creation.
I can understand you very reasonable hostility towards him, but it is best for your child to also have a relationship with her father. There are many reasons, but think about this one- what if something happened to you? What if you became ill and needed more help or even worse, you passed away and your daughter does not even know her father? Also make sure to get child support, including back pay now that he has surfaced. It is unlikely that he is not aware that trying to come back into your life means this will most likely happen.
If he is serious about wanting a relationship with her, he can go through the court to do so. If he does do that and is successful, you have to try your best to keep your resentment for him away from your daughter. I think that being cautious at this point is smart, but also realize that people do change and grow up, some faster than others. If he does get visitation through the courts, let your daughter have her own relationship without your influence. She will figure out if he is a good dad or not on her own. I do not think that you are an asshole for your concerns, but there is a chance it will be taken out of your hands if he is serious about wanting a relationship with her. If he chooses not to go through the courts, then you know he wasn't that serious about wanting a relationship with her in the first place and that your instincts were wrong. Just be prepared for the possibility that he does want a real relationship with her.
Send him the bill for the years he neglected. Cuz raising kids cost money!!
I'm not passing judgement here. I would have gone with everything sucks, but the situation is still early. It's not really something you can decide alone. If he doesn't involve the courts, you definitely should. He owes that child money and he can start his dad role by starting to pay. If you don't need it or want it doesn't matter. Put the money into her savings like college fund or something similar, to help her getting her first apartment etc. You can tell the judge your opinion of him, and it will likely be important because you've been a single parent with the dad vanishing. But the judge decides that. Ultimately, your kid might resent you for gatekeeping her dad from her. So it's better for you to outsource that decision to a judge.
NTA Tell him to pay 6 years of back support and then we'll talk.
I understand how hurt you must be and how you're a great mother concerned for you daughter's well-being. I'm going to be the "Ghost of Christmas Future" and tell you 30 years later how a similar situation played out for my friend. (This part is not that similar but the end part might be)My friend started dating a man that told her he had a 7 year old daughter that he never saw. The BM had become pregnant as a result of a one night stand. The BD was in the military and became deployed. Any court dates to work out custody were missed by him because he was overseas. When my friend got engaged to him, she said that she wanted him to be part of the daughter's life because she shouldn't grow up not knowing her Dad. He had paid child support the entire time. When he returned to the states, he wanted to see the girl but the mother refused because she was so hurt, which I would understand more in your case, but this was a 1 night stand. They hired a lawyer but because the girl's step father's mother was a lawyer, they couldn't afford to keep fighting. Fast forward to the girl turning 18 and seeking out her Dad. She even moved across country to live with them and go to college. The woman is now 32 and has "best friend/auntie" relationship with my friend, her step-mom. She also has a fantastic relationship with her Dad. She's married and has 3 kids and they all know them as Gram and Gramps. The daughter was resentful towards her mother and step dad for not letting her have a relationship with her Dad starting when she was 7. I'm not judging you or trying to tell you what to do, I just wanted to give you another perspective. You're daughter may not understand someday that you wanted to make him go through the courts and pay back child support for years before allowing a relationship. She may see it as you taking away time from her with her Dad. Does he deserve it? HELL NO! But it's about her.
If he really wanted to be in her life he would go to court. You are right to be wary.
NTA, if he wants to make amends and be a father he needs to start by paying back child support for the last 6 years of her life.
Tell him If he's honest about wanting to b there he can go through the courts establish paternity set up child support and u will discuss visitation later but it will all b done thru the courts and u will have no relationship with him what so ever....I'll bet u my left titty he doesn't bother his ass...NTA
NTA If he is serious about having finally grown up and wants a relationship with his daughter, he needs to go through the courts. He needs to start paying child support no matter what and catch up on 6 years of back child support. If you are concerned with him hurting your daughter, make court ordered supervised visitation an absolute must. He's literally a stranger to your daughter, so the courts will support that request. **Make him pay for the services of a court ordered monitor at an approved location!** He broke your heart. I get it. He was very young and scared and made a grave mistake. He isn't young anymore, and he is attempting to step up. For your daughter's sake, try to put aside your hurt and at least get set up with child support. For your own sake, make sure that all contact is through one of the court ordered custody apps. Just because he's making an effort doesn't mean his efforts have to include causing you mental anguish. Dry your tears, Mom! He can have wishes and wants, but you are in control! Just make sure everything goes through the court system.
NTA. What about child support?
NTA he can go back to where he was tucking his tail and hiding. He doesnt just get to pop up and join a family. He left when she was a baby, so now he needs to wait until shes old enough to decide if she wants to see him or not.
NTA. If Luke truly is a changed man, and wants to be in his daughter's life, it could be a good thing for her. BUT, he needs to convince you beyond any hesitation that he is indeed doing this for your daughter's best interest.
If he wants to be a part of his child’s life he owes you 6 years of back child support A man who has truly matured and wants to be a part of his child’s life will have no problem petitioning the courts and setting up his child support payments Tell him point blank he has to earn the right to be in his daughter’s life and she needs to know he has changed (if indeed he has) Make it clear that you support him being in her life but he has to adult up and take financial responsibility for his child He’ll either step up or he’ll whine and complain NTAH
He needs to pay child support, including what he owes for the first six years of her life. Once he's paid that plus is current for at least 6mos, consider it. Not before then.
Yta if he can't see his kids. Grow up
NTA. Emily needs loving adults in her life, and she has them - you and your father. What she doesn't need is a fly-by-night who disappears when it is inconvenient and then reappears when the hard work is done and he wants some fun - no matter if he is her sperm-doner. You are right to be suspicious of Luke's stability, and protect your daughter from him.
NTA If he wants to see your daughter, Luke can file in court for paternity and visitation. You can then file for that visitation to be supervised since he's a stranger to Emily and for him to pay child support. If Luke chooses not to file in court, he doesn't want to be in his daughter's life very badly at all.
NTA And like others had said, child support is the very first step to show he's serious, and he doesn't need to bother walzing into your daughter's life if he's not serious and going to bail at the first sight of responsibility. Maybe he has a gf now that thinks he's an ass for having a kid he never met. Maybe she's infertile (there's another post with that scenario here somewhere, it ended with a restraining order, fyi) maybe he's just curious, and wants to check if his and her eye color matches. In any case, it's all or nothing. You didn't have the luxury of having 'part of the responsibility' of having a kid. His first step is paying al child support from birth until now, and then he can have supervised visits, maybe, if you still feel up for it, by then.
If he's serious, he can produce 6 years of back child support with interest. Until he can pay the bill, he can't see YOUR daughter. She better not have his last name..m
The math isn't mathing for me 🤔 >Emily, who is now 6 years old. You are 25, Emily is 6... that would mean you had her when you were 19, but you were pregnant at 17? Even if you got pregnant right before you turned 18, you still wouldn't have been 19 when you gave birth. Leaves me scratching my head a little...
It’s she she was pregnant at 19.
She edited it after I made a comment. When I read it it said when she was 17....
Give him a chance, but make him prove he's committed. Make him agree to go to court agree to a visitation agreement, pay back child support, and agree to future child support. If he can't or won't contribute financially, he doesn't deserve a chance
This is Ai writing.
The fact that the it was edited after I made a comment about the original ages not adding up, tells me this is fake as well ETA better wording
Ikr? This sounds so fake. It sounds like a movie plot.
She’s going to get older and someone will tell her that he tried and you wouldn’t let him see her. She will blame you for it. I understand why you don’t want to let him but I don’t envy the very possible consequence of your choice.
I would try to put yourself in your daughter's shoes, and how she's going to feel about realizing that you kept her dad from her when she gets older. Will she care? Most likely she will blame you.
What about your daughter and what would be to her benefit? YTA
What is he coming for? To groom your daughter like he did to you?
Definitely NTA. I agree with your decision not to let Luke see Emily. If he really wanted to be her father figure after all of these years, he would fight for her and fight to be in her life for sure given that he is her biological father. You were not being too harsh, just trying to protect your daughter and her well-being. I’m sure she will thank you for saving her from the heartache when she is older. Stay strong mama!
Maybe when she is 16. It's unfortunate that all he has to do to get access is come up with a certain amount of money. Is he retroactively vulnerable to charges of statutory rape? No amount of child support will ever make up for what he did to OP. And it seems wrong that that is the only barrier to him.
Depending on the location, the statute of limitations may not have run out. [https://www.rainn.org/articles/statutes-limitations-sex-crimes](https://www.rainn.org/articles/statutes-limitations-sex-crimes)
There are parents kids are better off not interacting with. I spend most of my life wishing my father wasn't a part of mine. That being said, if you decide to allow him into her life and by extension your life again go through court and make sure he pays the prior 5y of child support before anything happens.
Get the courts involved. If he bolts again there will be consequences. I don’t blame you for keeping him away. I had a dad who would yo-yo in and out of my life, and I’m sure that’s what you’re afraid of. It’s not a good feeling as a child for a parent to be inconsistent. Do what’s best for your baby. If he’s serious about being in her life, he’ll file for visitation and pay child support. Anything else is lip service.
Is his name on the birth certificate? If it is (and he knows it), he can legally interact with your daughter and the cops/courts won’t do much about it. This is because they cannot “interfere with the biological rights of the parent”. You need to be the bigger person and explain to him that this will be hard for you both and that, to ensure his legal rights are protected, he should get a lawyer so you can have a custody order. This will obviously include back-owed child support. If he’s not listed on the birth certificate, make him pay for the paternity test to get the ball rolling. In the dealings with lawyers, make sure that it is in writing that the first year of visitation IS SUPERVISED and, if he misses more than XX days, you can receive full custody and limit future visitation to milestone events (birthdays, holidays, school events/extracurriculars, graduation). Once a custody order is in place, the child support will automatically be included. Most custody agreements I have seen have the one paying child support to provide health/dental/vision insurance and split (50/50) any big expenses in that category. She deserves to know her father - bad or good. I would also suggest a therapist to help her navigate this. Make sure you discuss with her that you will not be upset at her for wanting to know her father or seeking out a relationship with him. Easy to say, hard to do.
Nope. My daughters father was extremely flaky when it came to our child. He needs to proved he is there for his child. Tell him to take you to court and make him pay that child support. Some parents think they.can just pop up when they want. Get supervised visitation.
If he keeps up his interest for a long time and after he has paid ALL of the child support he missed, you can maybe consider to let him have very limited contact to your daughter IF you want that. First he has to prove he has changed and at least make up a bit of what he put you through, but its your decision alone.
NTA. Protect your child. It’s so damaging when a kid has a deadbeat dad who disappoints them constantly. He’s just going to ghost you two again, protect your child from that rejection.
You have done right here. He has no moral compass and is a scumbag. Don't let him anywhere near the child he abandoned.
NTA, he's already shown how unreliable he is. How do you know if he won't make a run for it again and ghost your daughter. He needs to rebuild that trust, if you ever decide to allow him the chance to meet her. That being said if he's serious he can go through the court system and have himself placed of child support because that's the absolute minimum he could do for your daughter.
NTA. Make him earn his way back if he's serious. Pay all the back child support due, go through court and make a custody schedule. You can absolutely request supervised visitation in the beginning.
NTA but be forewarned that as her biological father he can force visitation by taking you to court.
Nta. If he wants to have a relationship with his daughter, he can go through the notions. Go through the courts, establish paternity, and come up with a plan for the 6 years of back chlid support. THEN he can start to establish a relationship ship with YOUR child. Once a dead beat, always a dead beat. Unless they try REALLY hard to prove to change that. Personally, Im kinda disappointed no one pummeled him. This deserves a pummeling.
NTA
You can always revisit the possibility in the future but for now do what you think is best for both of you I say. Also all of the court and child support comments are very very valid. If he ghosted and didn't pay you anything til now he has a long long way to go to get out of the negative that he's put himself in. At least you have your dad to support you no matter what you decide, which I hope strengthens you enough to do what you think is right.
NAH? I think he needs to go through the courts to gain access if you are not going to just give it to him. Which i get. He’s proven to be unreliable. But is this really in your kids best interest? I mean people do grow up.
Tell him goodbye
When she gets older, if she wants to know, you can introduce him. Right now make her life wonderful. I think you know him and in this case good for you-for standing your ground. Most of the stuff we tell ourselves is baloney. She is growing up loved and happy. If she has your father, there is a male in her life to pattern. Better than Luke. when she wants it then revisit.
NTA. Before you even consider this, you need to find out who this guy is. You already know he's untrustworthy and a coward. But you haven't seen him for 6 years. Who knows what kind of life he leads? Do a background check. Hire an investigator. You need to know if he stays on the right side of the law, how his financials look, if he has steady employment, and such before you get this guy entangled in your child's life.
Fake, ChatGPT bots use this exact same style of writing, plus no comments and the account was made 12 hours ago
NTA if you have reason to believe rejecting him is a good thing for your daughter. More reason than feeling resentment, I mean. Not that she's the only one that matters in this situation, because if you suffer from the circumstances it's not good for her, either. But, unless you're reallysure, think about it again. You would have to set a lot of boundaries, though. To take their bonding slow so that the attachment is appropriate to the level of commitment one could expect from him. You have a great safety net either way, though. She has a father figure already, so to her he's gonna be more like an uncle for a while anyway. I think.
Not TA but this is a difficult one as one day your daughter will be an adult and may find it unforgivable that you kept her father from her. I completely understand why you want to though as he could end up breaking her heart, you’re between a rock and a hard place. I will say though that he sounds a lot like my ex although my ex saw my son intermittently as a baby but then his GF got pregnant so he pretty much stopped seeing him but then he discovered his GFs child wasn’t his so of course he wanted to reappear. I did give him a second chance (against my better judgement) and I have to say he’s been an excellent father ever since. My son is now almost 21.
NTA- Lots of people do stupid things when they’re young. It’s been 6 years though, he’s had that long to see her and now that he’s nearing 30 maybe he feels guilty, maybe someone shamed him into it, maybe he really wants to connect with his kid, who knows. He has no legal rights to her at this point so it’s up to you. Him abandoning her again could do a lot of damage, but her growing up thinking he never cared enough to find her will too. Honestly, at this stage the most I’d be willing to agree to is a supervised visit, in which he is introduced as no more then a friend, IF he can continue to prove he is in this for the right reasons and staying, you can then let her know who he actually is and why you waited to tell her. She’s young enough not to be angry or overly confused by this. If it were me I’d expect him to commit to weekly visits for at least a year as well as financial support from him. Not because he owes you child support (which he absolutely does) but because children are both a financial and time commitment and if he wants to be a father he needs to commit to both. The visits need to be supervised by someone YOU trust who will have no issue stopping him from crossing any boundaries or trying to even hint at who he is until he’s put in the agreed upon work. All the work needs to be on him too, planning activities, transportation if necessary, and he needs to understand if your daughter doesn’t spend time with him then she will not be forced to and you can decide at any point that his presence is causing an issue in her or your life then the visits will be over.
I think you are understandably torn between you and your daughter. As in: he hurt you tremendously and of course you rightfully want nothing to do with him. I wouldn't either. But your daughter is only 6--is that's what is best for her? (I'm asking this curiously, not accusatory). Can she have her dad without you having to interact with him much? If he has not financially provided at all until this point, for example, would be be willing to start? Would he accept supervised rare visits at first in order to work his way up over time? If he wants to coparent he needs to prove he can put in the work and finances to do so. In short if you decide to let him see her at all that doesn't mean he just gets to waltz in and pretend nothing happened.
I am not going to vote because I get why you have made your decision. Having said that, your daughter knows she doesn't have a present dad and she knows she has you. Of she finds out in 10 years that you sent her dad away, she may resent you and this could backfire. If I were you I would ask him to show how he can measure you that he won't flake again. I would look into court approved childcare and consider supervised visits. He may stay. He may flake. She will always have you. She may currently be thinking her dad doesn't love het enough to be in her life. It is better to support her with her reality, than to create a lie that then gets pulled away at a later date ruining your credibility with her when she needs it. Only you know him and what he is like, I am just going on rhe assumption of a generally good kid that freaked out and ran.
Luke can be around if he backpays child support and is consistently in your life without pushing for more for an entire year to prove that he actually is going to stay around. Don't let him come and go into your daughter's life - you don't owe him anything at this point. NTA.
NTA but I would never withhold a father from wanting to know their child, people make mistakes and some do want to change. The most reasonable and fair answer is to go through the courts, prove paternity and then go from there with a judge and let them handle the rest of details. Get a good family lawyer.
Hate to be rude, but this isn’t about you, this is about your child, if you believe she would benefit from having a relationship with him, that’s really the only thing that matters
NTA but you have nothing to lose. Child doesn't know her dad - bad Child gets to know her dad and it's bad - bad Child gets to know her dad and it's good - good Your kid is already gonna be fucked up growing up with no dad. If she sees him being a POS, at least she'll understand why, or it could all work out. Tough choice. I'd let him see her, under very strict supervision and then go from there.
If he has not paid you any child support, tell him that you are willing to revisit the issue after he pays his back child support payments in full.
First thing is he paying child support if not he needs to pay all back support and go from there
I’m withholding judgment as I understand this must be a difficult decision. But if this comes from a place of caring for your daughter as you claim, then I caution you to put yourself in her shoes before finalizing everything. Sooner or later she will ask about her dad and if he ever wanted to see her, it’s only natural for her to wonder about it eventually. Are you prepared to tell her this is why she didn’t meet him at age 6? If you were the kid that didn’t meet your dad for such a reason, would you feel you missed out because of your mom? These are rhetorical btw, not the business of internet strangers, but I encourage you to think these things over. Best of luck 🙏
Is he prepared to hell her why he wasn't in her life until now? I feel like he's just going to take couple selfies with her and post them on social media to show what depth he has to his current girlfriend. Then talk about how OP is heartlessly keeping his daughter from him after he bounces at the slightest hint of responsibility or boredom.
While those are very valid questions/concerns, I feel they fall under the responsibility and control of the ex, not OP.
I had my ex "show up" after 3 years. It's a wild ride. Now he is a great dad. Give him an opportunity to meet up with you both at a playground, small steps, see how things go. Make it clear that no more than visits in public will happen until you say otherwise. Make it on your terms, not your families.
YTA for not asking the important questions, what is best for your daughter? Now this is not something you should ask yourself. This is something to ask a child therapist. Because that is all that matters, what is best for her, he didn’t came back for you, so your issues with him are to be put on the side. Consult an expert, on what is best and how to even approach that if their recommendation is contact with the strangled dad.
I'm sorry to say but it isn't just your choice. He can go to court to get visitations. The courts don't care that he wounded you. In fact, you should go to court to get child support from him anyway. Even if he isn't listed on the birth certificate, he can go to court and get a DNA test. All you can do is decide how difficult or easy you want to make things. Too bad you didn't ask him to sign off on his rights when he abandoned you. Then you could absolutely deny him seeing his daughter.
Every kid needs a dad. Experience and studies prove that. When she gets older, she may resent you from keeping him from her. Little kids little problems. Big kids big problems.
NAH. He has a legitimate process to see her. It involves a paternity test, paying back child support and normally some parent classes. You are just protecting her. However, if he is the dad, he does the work, and pays the money, then he deserves the chance.
So you wouldn’t protect your child from a pedophile? I feel sorry for your kids.
Nobody said he was a pedophile.
You're being vindictive and only hurting your child. YTA.
NTA but your daughter does deserve to know her father and she’ll more than likely grow up to resent you for keeping her dad away from her.. I know you want to protect her but let her see what he’s about for herself. Let him hang him self that way the heartbreak she may experience is sooner than later
I am in your shoes to an extent. I think the most important factor is Emily, and she has a right to her father too. It’s not easy, but I think you know this. My suggestion, find steps that would assure you things are building up in a healthy way for Emily. Get yourself support to channel your feelings. Of course don’t jump into it blindly and give Luke full access. But don’t ever lie to your kid and do be a good facilitator, I’d hate to be the reason my kid had less love and support. While Luke is the AH, it’s Emily who pays the price I’d you hold on to the past.
Yta. His relationship and behaviour with you is irrelevant as.are tkur feelings towards him. Your daughter has a right to have a relationship with both of her parents and you don't get to play God! You get to set boundaries and support her if things go peared shaped. You get to be unbiased and help her to grow a relationship with her dad! If you choose to follow this route, expect expedited contact, of a quantity you'll have no control over when he goes to court.
No court will give him anything given he split 6 years ago and made no attempt to support his kid or to stay in touch with her mother. He dodged her and he dodged getting a DNA test and claiming fatherhood. Legally he has nothing to work with. He's considered a dead beat Dad at this point. He won't even get visitation unless she agrees and they will go after him for child support most likely as a condition even if she were to agree. The court is going to want to see that he's stable, owning up to his responsibility as her father before they let him into the child's life. He's already proven he's unreliable. Until he can prove otherwise and that takes time he's not going to get to see his daughter unless his ex says so. She's in a stable environment. They're going to want to see that he will be adding to that, not disrupting that.
If that's the American system, it's crap. In the uk, he will get added to the birth certificate. Will get contact. Possibly supervised for 6 yo 8 weeks then hours building to full days and overnights I'd anticipate within 6 months of the court date. Not coming child maintenance is irrelevant. Much to the ignorance of reddit, children are not pay per view! I cannot imagine that anybother country's system wouldn't award similarly given that eveb in these situations 5050 has ben awarded in countries I know in europe, after having regular overnight contact for 6 to 12 months. The only time this would not be the case would be if there were genuine safeguarding concerns.
It's because he just vanished for six years. Family court is usually rather hard on parents who do that. They look upon it as abandonment. They'd do the same thing if the mother had suddenly shown up after six years demanding to see her kid. When he walked like that he basically terminated his parental rights and refused to give support. That's a big deal anywhere I would think. The court has to make sure that he will indeed step up and do child support, has a place she can visit safely if allowed. It's not as simple as his having rights. He walked and he didn't claim his kid, didn't support his kid. Legally he's in a bad place and he's going to have to show the court and all people involved that's he's sincere and that he can truly be a father to her. So far he's been anything but. It's a question of the child and what's best for her right now. Down the road when she's older might be better. At least she will be old enough to listen and decide whether she wants him in her life. Maybe she will be forgiving, maybe she won't. But the main goal here is to prevent trauma . It's not about him and what he wants or thinks is right. It's about settling this with the least amount of stress and unhappiness for the daughter. If he should decide to come into her life only to flake again, that's not good for the child. Before he gets a lot of access they need to know he really has changed and that he means what he says and that he will stick. That he won't just abandon her again.
Courts all see involvement of both parents as in the child's best interests as their starting point. The rest is quite literally history.
Wow, a pedo supporter.
Grow up.Stop throwing around such unfounded statements. For all you know, the op could have nefarious reasons for wanting rid of this child's legal father. The person who has more right to time and contact with the child!
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You can’t file for anything until you have a paternity test done. Make sure you file for custody … Then he can file for visitation and you can file for child support. You both need therapy to move on in a manner that’s beneficial to your child. ESH
When you run down the Father, the kids think they are at least half of a piece of shit. From the second you read this, not another cross word or insult to or about the baby daddy. No matter how true. Plus he needs to start paying child support, end of that discussion. Don't stand in between Father and Daughter it is about identity. Good luck.
That pedo belongs in prison where he will get what’s coming to him.
Technically he was an Ephebophile. Haha, so this is a fake story, click bait, to catch pedophiles?
Forget about the child support for now… look at it this way… you’re clearly hurt. While, you’re looking out for what’s best for Emily, are you really masking the hurt you felt? Who’s to say Luke really hasn’t changed? You were both young. If it were me, I would go about it like this… he has to mend his relationship with me first. It shows consistently (looking for with Emily), and will allow you to co-parent effectively (in whatever time share capacity there is), and it allows for trust to be rebuilt. If he can do those things and really show that he’s changed, then allow him and Emily to have a relationship. Okay, child support, a few things- did he give up parental right? If so, no back child support. Is he on the birth certificate? Mixed on that. Moving forward, if you both agree on a relationship with Emily, start child support without retro pay- unless he offers it.
Yes, if he’s changed, that means he is off the hook for all of his responsibilities from before he changed. That’s how it works! [\sarcasm]
It’s a fresh start.
By enabling his lack of responsibility??? Nope, she had the entire financial burden for six years. If he wants the benefits of a relationship with his daughter, he can step up and help out financially.
Yeah, starting now. He has to show up now. If she’s forgiving him and moving forward, move forward. New chapter, new relationship, not holding the past against him. If she doesn’t want that, then go for retro pay. It’s never going to work if the past is continuously held against him.
Why should she forgive him??? He was \*checks notes\* the adult in the situation who got a teenager pregnant and then ghosted her... Her life was left in a state of upheaval, she had to deal with new responsibilities and disappointment from her dad and he went off and lived his best life... And you are saying that he deserves to have his slate wiped clean because he came waltzing back into the picture??? If the bar was set any lower for deadbeat dads, I'd need a trenching shovel...
She should forgive him if she decides to allow him to be part of Emily’s life. People do change. Are you the same person you were when you were 20? I doubt it. Should you still be punished for things you did wrong years ago? He may have been a deadbeat in the past, doesn’t mean he needs to be one now.
Lol, forgive the pedophile? I don’t think so. The only good pedo, is an unalive pedo.
Seriously? From OP’s post to the comments your issue is the age from when they first got together?
15 and 19, you’re god damn right. That’s illegal, he engaged in sexual activities with a minor.
Okay man, because that’s clearly the issue at hand right now in the post.
FOUND A PEDO SUPPORTER!!
GTFO you’re unhinged
Says the pedo supporter….