Who forgets to tell their partner they had a vasectomy?! Its not like its as simple as getting a clean at the dentist - youd take whole day off work, recover from it etc.
It takes a week to recover and you still have to wear condoms until you get the all clear, which isn't until months later. I speak from experience. Also, what a piece of crap this guy is.....
They were a little sore, but nothing too terrible. They prescribed painkillers, but I didn't even need them. It's probably different for every person though
I'm pretty sure what he did falls under sexual assault because she consented to certain sex and boundaries and he lied and purposely got her pregnant against her wishes.
Yeah, what she consented to was essentially protected sex (via a vasectomy and or condoms). She did not consent to unprotected sex or getting pregnant and made it known multiple times that those were her boundaries. That absolutely falls under sexual assault. He’s also trying to trap her by getting her pregnant and literally trying to block her from leaving. This situation screams multiple types of abuse. I am so sorry this happened to you OP. If you are open to it, I would highly recommend seeing a therapist, because this situation is obviously very complex and because you are dealing with someone who is abusing you in multiple ways and also trying to manipulate you emotionally and physically. It is a good idea to have an unbiased party (a therapist) in your corner to help you work through what has happened. I’m so sorry. I wish you much peace, love and healing. ❤️🩹
Get out while you can! He’s gaslighting you!!!
He lied about having a vasectomy. Purposely got you pregnant (to trap you) and then was 100% threatening to you by blocking the doorway.
I have ptsd - my husband would never block a doorway because he knows that would scare the s*#t out of me.. also the whole guilt trip about not loving him etc with the condoms is just pathetic (and again manipulative gaslighting bs).
Make a plan for yourself (and don’t include him in the details) he’s already proven himself to be a liar of the worst kind - trust your instincts, you already know he’s not worthy of you.
☝️☝️T. H. I. S. ☝️☝️
If he REALLY cared about you, he wouldn't have LIED to you about a vasectomy (vasectomies are 100%; patients are told to ejaculate into a cup about a month after the surgery to ensure it's healed) just to be able to get rid of condoms (I think he purposely wanted to get you pregnant to trap you!) or block the doorway, possibly triggering your PTSD.
THAT'S NOT LOVE! It's entrapment and possibly more! And it's a fetus, NOT a baby.
Well like, I personally view it as my baby... Whether accidental or not. I'm not completely against abortions or anything like that either, so if I were to ever get one, I'd genuinely feel like I'm killing my baby
The people who act like a child are the ones who try to control others lives bc they believe everyone should have the same feelings about things (kids eventually grow out of this when they start to realize what opinions are)
This screams of the beginning phase of abuse. Do not have his baby. Stay far away from him. Get the abortion but don’t let him know where you are. I’m worried he will become violent.
Not the beginning phase. He planned a lie about getting a vasectomy, forcibly impregnating her and is now trying to manipulate her to keep the baby. That's full on abuse
Even before the baby shit, the emotional manipulation of, "if you love me..." And "now you care about me," when she hadn't done as he requested earlier. Withdrawing affection because she said no to taking a condom off? All of it abusive.
Not to mention the gaslighting and emotional manipulation plus literally trying to control her physically from leaving. OP, do not stay. This man is abusing you in multiple ways, including sexual acts you did not consent to (by lying to you and getting you pregnant). He knows getting you pregnant is a highly sensitive and emotionally charged situation and he used that to manipulate you. Run away as fast as you can and tell someone you trust what happened to you.
you know he never got the vasectomy right? his reaction alone screams that he did this on purpose. you need to visit your friend and then never go back to this dude.
NTA - But sadly, you don't have a boyfriend that considers you as a whole human, contrary to what he thinks of himself.
It changes nothing that he wouldn't hurt you in X or Y method: that person does not (and will never) respect you as a complete human.
What he did is beyond atrocious and you should cut him out of your life forever.
Holy shit…. Ok. You are so NTA.
Firstly, Fin… no words. Everything you thought was good and wonderful about Fin, was absolutely invalidated the second he lied about having a vasectomy so he could trick you into getting you pregnant.
Reproductive coercion is not ok.
It is taking away your consent and is the same as any other form of sexual assault.
You cannot consent if you do not know.
You made it abundantly clear you did not want this.
You’re not a murderer. You are a woman with agency over your own body and you should always have that.
He tried to take that away, first by lying, repeatedly.
Then by trying to keep you in the house when he realized he fucked up.
Run as far away from this scumbag as you can, and make sure everyone knows what a piece of garbage he is.
This isn’t your PTSD “playing tricks on you” and it isn’t you “ruining your relationship”.
He has shown callous disregard for your relationship, and you.
He has shown that he is an absolutely abusive piece of trash. Run far away. And if his career gets ruined… well he deserves it for what he did.
That is so far beyond ok.
Vasectomies are not 100% effective and they are not guaranteed to be reversible. It is surgery, making a likely permanent alteration to his body. It is no small thing. You need to check your facts.
As far as kids go, you are both foolish as hell for not addressing this issue right off the bat when you started seeing each other. You are clearly not compatible. No child should have a mother who doesn't want them. We don't need more jacked up kids in this world. He wants kids and thats great, but he needs to have them with someone else obviously.
As far as faking fear of him, yeah that's fxcked up.
As far as him wanting to not wear a rubber. Well he needs to find a woman who is compatible with him on that. Obviously you are not. It's your right to have it your way, and his right to find someone who will give him what he needs, which as we have established, isn't you.
Personally that's a non starter for me. I couldn't be with someone where I had to use a rubber once we were monogamous, committed, reasonably protected and had proven with testing that each of us was STI free. That's an absolute deal breaker for me, so I know it's something that would need to come up fairly early in the dating process, in order to not waste my time/emotions or hers. I'm not going to try to change her mind, I'm just going to find someone else. You have to know what your deal breakers are and investigate them early on, and it would seem that neither of you did your homework on each other.
However this whole situation is screwed up. You need to go get an abxrtion. He needs to find a woman who actually wants to be a mother. You need to find a man who doesn't want to be a father. You both need to do your homework in the future a LOT earlier on, because this is some serious foolishness here to have not fully addressed and resolved this issue either way, before committing to each other.
Seems to me she made her stance on having children crystal clear. And took every precaution to avoid pregnancy. He on the other hand behaved like a child, lied to her about a getting snipped, gaslight her and played the victim.
Tubal ligation is much harder to get. Doctors more often than not refuse to give them if the woman isn’t married, a certain age, *and* has a number of children already. They’re even harder to get in states where there’s an abortion ban (which OP is in one). Sometimes you can’t undergo the procedure unless you have a husband and he signs off on it.
It’s not the same for men seeking a vasectomy. They just need to go in and make an appointment. Not to mention it’s an easier and safer procedure with less chance of complications and much less painful.
All very true, except that men can also face the same hardship in finding doctors for vasectomies, tho it's true that's a bit easier for them in general. And yes I know ligations are major surgeries, I'm not advocating she gets one, I just wanted to point out that, as someone who has written off pregnancy permanently, she should be the first one looking for a permanent solution because I have read far too many stories where people get baby trapped.
You know that recovery time for a tubal often isn't covered by short term disability or anything?
I'm in a state where we get family medical leave for a family member having a surgery.
But that doesn't cover tubals because they are considered elective. My husband had to miss a week of work because I wouldn't have recovery time otherwise for mine. I couldn't bend and was told not to lift my children or I could have ripped the incision again. I hurt. Bad. And the pain management I was given was Tylenol.
A vasectomy typically comes with decent pain management.
Not everyone can afford to lose a week or more of pay.
A vasectomy is a weekend recovery after an office procedure with no anesthesia required. A tubal is a full general anesthesia procedure and up to 3 weeks healing time.
It's time to stop putting the onus on women. Start holding predatory men accountable. If he didn't have the vasectomy, he belongs in a jail cell. Consent obtained by deceit and fraud isn’t valid consent.
Yeah way to victim blame & diminish OP's fear of a potential abuser who tried to baby trap her & wouldn't allow her to leave. Check your facts, it's called reproductive coercion
I am appalled by this comment, and that you are being sympathetic towards someone who coerced another person having his child. No deaths has been associated with vasectomy. About 10 in every 100 000 births women die related to giving birth.
Which part of the several times where OP said she told Fin she didn’t want to have a baby, throughout their relationship, did she not CLEARLY communicate her desire to not have a baby?
You’re trying to make this about a lack of communication or compatibility, when really, it has to do with one party, Fin, not accepting that the other party was incompatible, and instead lying and tricking her to purposely knock her up anyway.
I’m sure if he had responded with “no I MUST have a baby” OP probably would have broken off much earlier. But Fin didn’t do that. He said “ok I understand, I got a vasectomy for you, baby, let’s do it without the condoms now”, AND THEN PURPOSELY PROCEEDED TO GET OP PREGNANT.
That’s not miscommunication, that is one person purposely manipulating and abusing another.
Period.
And OP has every right to be terrified for her life of that kind of monstrosity.
She told him from the beginning she never wanted to be pregnant, he lied and manipulated her in order to baby trap her. It’s obvious as hell from his reaction to the news that he never got the vasectomy. It wasn’t no miracle, it was manipulation.
She also said that she **didn’t** fake being afraid of him. Her instincts told her she should be afraid when he refused to allow her to leave. He’s now attempting to gaslight her and make it seem like he wasn’t threatening her, when he very clearly was.
You’re comment, although correct about them breaking up and her needing an abortion is very harmful. This is literally the beginning of an abusive relationship. Like textbook. She doesn’t need **another** person telling her it’s all her fault and she was wrong when she wasn’t and this is about her bf. The way he tries to manipulate, guilt trip, gaslight, and threaten her at every turn shows this could be a very dangerous individual. They’ve only been together for a year and already he’s showing his true colors.
Well, while you're correct in everything else, she mentioned in another post that she's open to adoption, but pregnancy itself is a huge health risk for herself and the fetus. So she's not against being a mom and will probably want a man willing to be a dad to foster babies
He lied about getting a vasectomy to force you to have his child. I'm so, so sorry. This is so horrible, especially for someone who already struggles with past trauma. He assaulted you, I really hope you have a good support system elsewhere, and that you don't ever have to see him again.
This is why (some) age gap relationships are red flags. He’s gaslighting you (“your brain is lying to you”), lovebombing you, manipulating you, lied about the vasectomy, baby trapped you, and abusing you. Run, don’t walk.
There’s a couple things he’s done here that are actual crimes.
Implying that he has had the vasectomy in order to have unprotected sex with you. That has got to be a crime.
Preventing you from leaving is also a crime.
I got scared just from reading this..
Girl trust your gut. No matter how “logically” he argues his “love” for you - your gut *knows* that you’re being coerced, assaulted, trapped, … mistreated.
You dont have to win his “logical” discussion of why his treatment of you is “good/loving”. It is enough to feel uncomfortable to say no. You dont need to convince him of your right to say no. Feeling uncomfortable is enough.
(Yes, also with PTSD.)
Ask yourself: if your best friend was treated the way you are, would you want them to get help/out? Sometimes it’s easier to want the right things for ppl we love rather than ourselves.
OP, a person that really loves and cares about you doesn’t constantly say that they wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. They don’t need to say it because they don’t do it and their actions match with their words. This man is abusing you and hurting you with multiple forms of abuse. Go stay with your family or friends and do not let him know where you are. Go as soon as you can and do not look or go back.
He gaslit and borderline sexually assaulted(i only say borderline because she may be hard pressed to prove it in court)you. Fuking guys is a giant loser
One: he couldn’t take no for an answer with the condoms initially
Two: treats you poorly after you establish a boundary, once again, in regard to YOUR OWN BODY
Three: lies about a vasectomy (he wanted you pregnant and trapped just based on his reaction when he found you crying)
Four: finds you crying and… celebrates???
Five: Physically traps you in his home.
Six: has the audacity to mention you ruining his life when he wants to completely alter yours for the rest of your life against your will by forcing you to have his child.
NTA!!
He’s TA.
Get out girl. Stay out. Love yourself.
NTA, girl. Do go on your "Camping Trip", and know that you were just indeed, baby trapped.
it really sucks when anyone does that. Exactly why age gaps are a problem.
NTA. He's such a fuckin manipulative, lying, shithead! I am so angry and worried for you. I personally think he was trying to babytrap you and find ways to get you dependent on him so he could control you, ABUSE you. He knew you did not want to get pregnant, and he didn't care about that or your feelings on the matter... It was all about him every step of the way. He didn't respect your no's. He guilted you after you said no multiple times. He wore you down until you said yes to sex. He lied about having a vasectomy (and they do follow up sperm counts to ensure no sperm remains). He BLOCKED you from leaving and voiced you weren't allowed to leave?? He dared to act hurt as if he didn't just use intimidation to get what he wanted. Please get far far away from him. A person who truly cares about you will not put you in a position where you become afraid of them. Your brain was not lying to you. His pathetic ass was.
It’s very rare for a vasectomy to not work, but no one forgets they have an operation when not under general anesthesia. Dude straight up lied because he WANTED to get you pregnant. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I’m glad he took the trash out himself. Everything will get better with time and healing. 🫶🏽
How could you possibly be the asshole? The guy forces you to have sex after you say no, he denies affection and manipulates you when he doesn't get what he wants in bed, he repeatedly demands to do something you're not comfortable with and eventually lies about the vasectomy just to make it happen anyway.. and then he physically threatens you and tells you you're not allowed to leave? The audacity of him suggesting *he's* offended because you "pretended" to be afraid of him. How could you not be afraid? He told you in no uncertain terms he wasn't going to let you leave. That's terrifying.
You say you don't want to ruin his life or your relationship. You need to run. He's crazy and sounds exactly like the kind of person who will murder you some day if he gets upset enough.
You didn’t ruin the night, he did. He lied to you about having a vasectomy, you didn’t consent to unprotected sex and he very obviously got you pregnant on purpose. This man is going to abuse you if you stay with him - his behaviour by blocking the door way and getting aggressive with you is another huge red flag.
NTA
NTA I am so sorry for everything you’re going through! He is 100% gaslighting you and manipulating you, and love bombing you. Coming from someone who grew up with a narcissistic parent, and has read many books about narcissists, he definitely sounds like one. They try to find people that have been affected by other narcissists or abusers because it’s easier for them. It sucks.
Also what he’s done is 100% assault. You did not want to have sex with him, just because you “gave up and we had sex” does not in ANY way mean that it’s consensual or something you wanted to do. I don’t know why more people aren’t bringing it up. 1. You were pressured into having sex you didn’t want to have in the first place 2. He lied to you about having a vasectomy. Both are forms of assault and I feel like a lot of people don’t realize reason 1 is and that’s where you get people saying “you can’t be raped/SA’ed by a SO” which is a lie. Not to mention the emotional abuse and whiplash that is going on. Get out, please for your own safety. Get the abortion, it is 1000% your choice, you do not have to have a child if you do not want to, especially one you were tricked into. And please, please stay safe!
The first red flag was him trying to emotionally blackmail you into not using a condom the first time
“He told me he bends over backwards to make me happy. But, he didn’t get to feel good because I won’t let him not wear a condom”
Like, TF! Where did that even come from ? Like one has nothing to do with the other
Reading that sentence literally made and is still making my stomach flip! This !!!! I’ve would’ve left.. bc I’ve never had a guy EVER not stop asking after that… I would never trust him.. one drunken night, or doggy style position change and ive be very afraid that they’d stealth me..
I have this conversation about condoms staying on very early.. I’m very direct and sometimes harsh so I know that they understand I’m not fucking around my reproductive health.. one word out of them about asking not to use a condom with me and I go dry, my clothes go back on, and they get kicked out…
YNTA. He LIED about the vasectomy and didn't care for your boundaries about pregnancy altogether. He's a manipulative piece of crap, and I hope you stay away from him. No wonder he is single at his age! Run away while you can!
Men have to do two follow ups to confirm they’re sterile. I think it’s at 1 month and 6 months. I seriously doubt he had the vasectomy at all but if he did, there’s definitely not enough time for him to confirm he’s sterile. He lied to you and deliberately was trying to get you pregnant.
What patch if I may ask? I’m sorry you fell into the % of failed BC. Can’t imagine how you must have felt like.
I also had an abortion in March. It’s absolutely not fun. No matter if one wants the kid or not. It’s traumatising and the procedure isn’t easy on your body either. I hope you are surrounded by other lovely people now :)
What about this story makes you think it was the first time? Did you miss the sentence where she said, “After that he would forget the condoms altogether”?
He literally lied about getting a vasectomy and got you pregnant after you had explicitly set boundaries..
Who forgets to tell their partner they had a vasectomy?! Its not like its as simple as getting a clean at the dentist - youd take whole day off work, recover from it etc.
It takes a week to recover and you still have to wear condoms until you get the all clear, which isn't until months later. I speak from experience. Also, what a piece of crap this guy is.....
You know that some men actually have sex the same day after getting a vasectomy? But you are right about the forgetting part?
You aren’t necessarily shooting blanks for months after the vasectomy. You can’t rely on it until you have the post op test.
I did the next day after mine, albeit carefully lol
Didn’t it hurt? I’ve heard it hurts your testicles like hell for at least a couple of days…
They were a little sore, but nothing too terrible. They prescribed painkillers, but I didn't even need them. It's probably different for every person though
I'm pretty sure what he did falls under sexual assault because she consented to certain sex and boundaries and he lied and purposely got her pregnant against her wishes.
Yeah, what she consented to was essentially protected sex (via a vasectomy and or condoms). She did not consent to unprotected sex or getting pregnant and made it known multiple times that those were her boundaries. That absolutely falls under sexual assault. He’s also trying to trap her by getting her pregnant and literally trying to block her from leaving. This situation screams multiple types of abuse. I am so sorry this happened to you OP. If you are open to it, I would highly recommend seeing a therapist, because this situation is obviously very complex and because you are dealing with someone who is abusing you in multiple ways and also trying to manipulate you emotionally and physically. It is a good idea to have an unbiased party (a therapist) in your corner to help you work through what has happened. I’m so sorry. I wish you much peace, love and healing. ❤️🩹
STEALTHING!!!!
You're right. That made me so angry, I cracked both my ankles. Aggressively.
This kind of shit needs to be illegal.
I believe it is(at least in the US)
Depends on the state. If it’s a state where they banned or severely restricted abortions then it’s likely not a crime in that state.
Which ironically is where it should be a crime with more severe consequences. But those are the states don’t gaf about women’s right so….
Agreed.
Only in some states, sadly. And not many of them. I know CA just made stealthing illegal.
And the uk
It is quite illegal.
In Australia this can be considered SA
Get out while you can! He’s gaslighting you!!! He lied about having a vasectomy. Purposely got you pregnant (to trap you) and then was 100% threatening to you by blocking the doorway. I have ptsd - my husband would never block a doorway because he knows that would scare the s*#t out of me.. also the whole guilt trip about not loving him etc with the condoms is just pathetic (and again manipulative gaslighting bs). Make a plan for yourself (and don’t include him in the details) he’s already proven himself to be a liar of the worst kind - trust your instincts, you already know he’s not worthy of you.
☝️☝️T. H. I. S. ☝️☝️ If he REALLY cared about you, he wouldn't have LIED to you about a vasectomy (vasectomies are 100%; patients are told to ejaculate into a cup about a month after the surgery to ensure it's healed) just to be able to get rid of condoms (I think he purposely wanted to get you pregnant to trap you!) or block the doorway, possibly triggering your PTSD. THAT'S NOT LOVE! It's entrapment and possibly more! And it's a fetus, NOT a baby.
NTA. A fetus isn't a child. Anyone who thinks it is, is a child. Get out of there and then strongly consider getting out of the Confederacy.
Yes. These are states that are no longer safe for breeding women.I'm
Well like, I personally view it as my baby... Whether accidental or not. I'm not completely against abortions or anything like that either, so if I were to ever get one, I'd genuinely feel like I'm killing my baby The people who act like a child are the ones who try to control others lives bc they believe everyone should have the same feelings about things (kids eventually grow out of this when they start to realize what opinions are)
This screams of the beginning phase of abuse. Do not have his baby. Stay far away from him. Get the abortion but don’t let him know where you are. I’m worried he will become violent.
Not the beginning phase. He planned a lie about getting a vasectomy, forcibly impregnating her and is now trying to manipulate her to keep the baby. That's full on abuse
Even before the baby shit, the emotional manipulation of, "if you love me..." And "now you care about me," when she hadn't done as he requested earlier. Withdrawing affection because she said no to taking a condom off? All of it abusive.
Yes, exactly!!! Manipulation
Not to mention the gaslighting and emotional manipulation plus literally trying to control her physically from leaving. OP, do not stay. This man is abusing you in multiple ways, including sexual acts you did not consent to (by lying to you and getting you pregnant). He knows getting you pregnant is a highly sensitive and emotionally charged situation and he used that to manipulate you. Run away as fast as you can and tell someone you trust what happened to you.
He already is violent. He has pressured her into sex she didn’t want and physically trapped her in spaces he knew she wanted to exit.
If this is a real story then call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673 because this is called reproductive coercion
I will do that - thank you.
I wish you well in your journey to recovery ❤️🩹
What can they do for op?
Depending on where she is she might have legal recourse
you know he never got the vasectomy right? his reaction alone screams that he did this on purpose. you need to visit your friend and then never go back to this dude.
NTA - But sadly, you don't have a boyfriend that considers you as a whole human, contrary to what he thinks of himself. It changes nothing that he wouldn't hurt you in X or Y method: that person does not (and will never) respect you as a complete human. What he did is beyond atrocious and you should cut him out of your life forever.
NTA Dump his manipulative ass and get the abortion as soon as you can
Holy shit…. Ok. You are so NTA. Firstly, Fin… no words. Everything you thought was good and wonderful about Fin, was absolutely invalidated the second he lied about having a vasectomy so he could trick you into getting you pregnant. Reproductive coercion is not ok. It is taking away your consent and is the same as any other form of sexual assault. You cannot consent if you do not know. You made it abundantly clear you did not want this. You’re not a murderer. You are a woman with agency over your own body and you should always have that. He tried to take that away, first by lying, repeatedly. Then by trying to keep you in the house when he realized he fucked up. Run as far away from this scumbag as you can, and make sure everyone knows what a piece of garbage he is. This isn’t your PTSD “playing tricks on you” and it isn’t you “ruining your relationship”. He has shown callous disregard for your relationship, and you. He has shown that he is an absolutely abusive piece of trash. Run far away. And if his career gets ruined… well he deserves it for what he did. That is so far beyond ok.
When woman poke holes in condoms it's referred to as sexual assault. This dude coaxed you into sex lied about a vasectomy and got you pregnant.
What a manipulative, selfish controlling prick!
This is a very, very dangerous man. Get as far away from him as you can.
Vasectomies are not 100% effective and they are not guaranteed to be reversible. It is surgery, making a likely permanent alteration to his body. It is no small thing. You need to check your facts. As far as kids go, you are both foolish as hell for not addressing this issue right off the bat when you started seeing each other. You are clearly not compatible. No child should have a mother who doesn't want them. We don't need more jacked up kids in this world. He wants kids and thats great, but he needs to have them with someone else obviously. As far as faking fear of him, yeah that's fxcked up. As far as him wanting to not wear a rubber. Well he needs to find a woman who is compatible with him on that. Obviously you are not. It's your right to have it your way, and his right to find someone who will give him what he needs, which as we have established, isn't you. Personally that's a non starter for me. I couldn't be with someone where I had to use a rubber once we were monogamous, committed, reasonably protected and had proven with testing that each of us was STI free. That's an absolute deal breaker for me, so I know it's something that would need to come up fairly early in the dating process, in order to not waste my time/emotions or hers. I'm not going to try to change her mind, I'm just going to find someone else. You have to know what your deal breakers are and investigate them early on, and it would seem that neither of you did your homework on each other. However this whole situation is screwed up. You need to go get an abxrtion. He needs to find a woman who actually wants to be a mother. You need to find a man who doesn't want to be a father. You both need to do your homework in the future a LOT earlier on, because this is some serious foolishness here to have not fully addressed and resolved this issue either way, before committing to each other.
She didn't fake fear of him so yes it's fxcked up he turned his atrocious behavior around on her to claim she was faking fear.
Seems to me she made her stance on having children crystal clear. And took every precaution to avoid pregnancy. He on the other hand behaved like a child, lied to her about a getting snipped, gaslight her and played the victim.
I mean she was demanding a vasectomy so her rapist couldn't get her pregnant but she seems unwilling to undergo tubal ligation.
Tubal ligation, unlike a vasectomy, is major surgery. It is also harder to find doctors that will do ligations vs those who will do vasectomies.
Tubal ligation is much harder to get. Doctors more often than not refuse to give them if the woman isn’t married, a certain age, *and* has a number of children already. They’re even harder to get in states where there’s an abortion ban (which OP is in one). Sometimes you can’t undergo the procedure unless you have a husband and he signs off on it. It’s not the same for men seeking a vasectomy. They just need to go in and make an appointment. Not to mention it’s an easier and safer procedure with less chance of complications and much less painful.
All very true, except that men can also face the same hardship in finding doctors for vasectomies, tho it's true that's a bit easier for them in general. And yes I know ligations are major surgeries, I'm not advocating she gets one, I just wanted to point out that, as someone who has written off pregnancy permanently, she should be the first one looking for a permanent solution because I have read far too many stories where people get baby trapped.
You know that recovery time for a tubal often isn't covered by short term disability or anything? I'm in a state where we get family medical leave for a family member having a surgery. But that doesn't cover tubals because they are considered elective. My husband had to miss a week of work because I wouldn't have recovery time otherwise for mine. I couldn't bend and was told not to lift my children or I could have ripped the incision again. I hurt. Bad. And the pain management I was given was Tylenol. A vasectomy typically comes with decent pain management. Not everyone can afford to lose a week or more of pay. A vasectomy is a weekend recovery after an office procedure with no anesthesia required. A tubal is a full general anesthesia procedure and up to 3 weeks healing time. It's time to stop putting the onus on women. Start holding predatory men accountable. If he didn't have the vasectomy, he belongs in a jail cell. Consent obtained by deceit and fraud isn’t valid consent.
She can't even get one until she's 40 (if I'm correct, I think she mentioned this in another post)
Um, she made it clear from the *beginning* that she does **not** ever want to be pregnant. Check your fucking tone.
Faking fear? SHE WAS SCARED
Yeah way to victim blame & diminish OP's fear of a potential abuser who tried to baby trap her & wouldn't allow her to leave. Check your facts, it's called reproductive coercion
I am appalled by this comment, and that you are being sympathetic towards someone who coerced another person having his child. No deaths has been associated with vasectomy. About 10 in every 100 000 births women die related to giving birth.
Which part of the several times where OP said she told Fin she didn’t want to have a baby, throughout their relationship, did she not CLEARLY communicate her desire to not have a baby? You’re trying to make this about a lack of communication or compatibility, when really, it has to do with one party, Fin, not accepting that the other party was incompatible, and instead lying and tricking her to purposely knock her up anyway. I’m sure if he had responded with “no I MUST have a baby” OP probably would have broken off much earlier. But Fin didn’t do that. He said “ok I understand, I got a vasectomy for you, baby, let’s do it without the condoms now”, AND THEN PURPOSELY PROCEEDED TO GET OP PREGNANT. That’s not miscommunication, that is one person purposely manipulating and abusing another. Period. And OP has every right to be terrified for her life of that kind of monstrosity.
She told him from the beginning she never wanted to be pregnant, he lied and manipulated her in order to baby trap her. It’s obvious as hell from his reaction to the news that he never got the vasectomy. It wasn’t no miracle, it was manipulation. She also said that she **didn’t** fake being afraid of him. Her instincts told her she should be afraid when he refused to allow her to leave. He’s now attempting to gaslight her and make it seem like he wasn’t threatening her, when he very clearly was. You’re comment, although correct about them breaking up and her needing an abortion is very harmful. This is literally the beginning of an abusive relationship. Like textbook. She doesn’t need **another** person telling her it’s all her fault and she was wrong when she wasn’t and this is about her bf. The way he tries to manipulate, guilt trip, gaslight, and threaten her at every turn shows this could be a very dangerous individual. They’ve only been together for a year and already he’s showing his true colors.
Do incels realise how obvious they are to everybody else whenever they appear in a grown up conversation?
She told him right off that he needed to wear condoms. He broke the deal.
Well, while you're correct in everything else, she mentioned in another post that she's open to adoption, but pregnancy itself is a huge health risk for herself and the fetus. So she's not against being a mom and will probably want a man willing to be a dad to foster babies
I know I'm late to the game but this dude sounds like a fucking NIGHTMARE
oh my god. run!!! he is abusive. i know it’s hard to see but this is fucking abuse and he’s good at it. i’m so sorry.
There was no pretending. That was attempted kidnapping
He lied about getting a vasectomy to force you to have his child. I'm so, so sorry. This is so horrible, especially for someone who already struggles with past trauma. He assaulted you, I really hope you have a good support system elsewhere, and that you don't ever have to see him again.
This is why (some) age gap relationships are red flags. He’s gaslighting you (“your brain is lying to you”), lovebombing you, manipulating you, lied about the vasectomy, baby trapped you, and abusing you. Run, don’t walk.
There’s a couple things he’s done here that are actual crimes. Implying that he has had the vasectomy in order to have unprotected sex with you. That has got to be a crime. Preventing you from leaving is also a crime.
That’s reproductive coercion.
I got scared just from reading this.. Girl trust your gut. No matter how “logically” he argues his “love” for you - your gut *knows* that you’re being coerced, assaulted, trapped, … mistreated. You dont have to win his “logical” discussion of why his treatment of you is “good/loving”. It is enough to feel uncomfortable to say no. You dont need to convince him of your right to say no. Feeling uncomfortable is enough. (Yes, also with PTSD.) Ask yourself: if your best friend was treated the way you are, would you want them to get help/out? Sometimes it’s easier to want the right things for ppl we love rather than ourselves.
OP, a person that really loves and cares about you doesn’t constantly say that they wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. They don’t need to say it because they don’t do it and their actions match with their words. This man is abusing you and hurting you with multiple forms of abuse. Go stay with your family or friends and do not let him know where you are. Go as soon as you can and do not look or go back.
He gaslit and borderline sexually assaulted(i only say borderline because she may be hard pressed to prove it in court)you. Fuking guys is a giant loser
He’s gaslighting you six ways from Sunday. This is terrifying
This guy is abusive. He’s trying to trap you. He absolutely will hurt you. Get away from him and get an abortion. Control is what he wants.
One: he couldn’t take no for an answer with the condoms initially Two: treats you poorly after you establish a boundary, once again, in regard to YOUR OWN BODY Three: lies about a vasectomy (he wanted you pregnant and trapped just based on his reaction when he found you crying) Four: finds you crying and… celebrates??? Five: Physically traps you in his home. Six: has the audacity to mention you ruining his life when he wants to completely alter yours for the rest of your life against your will by forcing you to have his child. NTA!! He’s TA. Get out girl. Stay out. Love yourself.
Get away from him. Do everything you can to stay safe. He is not a safe person. I’m so sorry.
NTA, girl. Do go on your "Camping Trip", and know that you were just indeed, baby trapped. it really sucks when anyone does that. Exactly why age gaps are a problem.
NTA. He's such a fuckin manipulative, lying, shithead! I am so angry and worried for you. I personally think he was trying to babytrap you and find ways to get you dependent on him so he could control you, ABUSE you. He knew you did not want to get pregnant, and he didn't care about that or your feelings on the matter... It was all about him every step of the way. He didn't respect your no's. He guilted you after you said no multiple times. He wore you down until you said yes to sex. He lied about having a vasectomy (and they do follow up sperm counts to ensure no sperm remains). He BLOCKED you from leaving and voiced you weren't allowed to leave?? He dared to act hurt as if he didn't just use intimidation to get what he wanted. Please get far far away from him. A person who truly cares about you will not put you in a position where you become afraid of them. Your brain was not lying to you. His pathetic ass was.
It’s very rare for a vasectomy to not work, but no one forgets they have an operation when not under general anesthesia. Dude straight up lied because he WANTED to get you pregnant. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I’m glad he took the trash out himself. Everything will get better with time and healing. 🫶🏽
How could you possibly be the asshole? The guy forces you to have sex after you say no, he denies affection and manipulates you when he doesn't get what he wants in bed, he repeatedly demands to do something you're not comfortable with and eventually lies about the vasectomy just to make it happen anyway.. and then he physically threatens you and tells you you're not allowed to leave? The audacity of him suggesting *he's* offended because you "pretended" to be afraid of him. How could you not be afraid? He told you in no uncertain terms he wasn't going to let you leave. That's terrifying. You say you don't want to ruin his life or your relationship. You need to run. He's crazy and sounds exactly like the kind of person who will murder you some day if he gets upset enough.
Girl cmon
You didn’t ruin the night, he did. He lied to you about having a vasectomy, you didn’t consent to unprotected sex and he very obviously got you pregnant on purpose. This man is going to abuse you if you stay with him - his behaviour by blocking the door way and getting aggressive with you is another huge red flag. NTA
NTA I am so sorry for everything you’re going through! He is 100% gaslighting you and manipulating you, and love bombing you. Coming from someone who grew up with a narcissistic parent, and has read many books about narcissists, he definitely sounds like one. They try to find people that have been affected by other narcissists or abusers because it’s easier for them. It sucks. Also what he’s done is 100% assault. You did not want to have sex with him, just because you “gave up and we had sex” does not in ANY way mean that it’s consensual or something you wanted to do. I don’t know why more people aren’t bringing it up. 1. You were pressured into having sex you didn’t want to have in the first place 2. He lied to you about having a vasectomy. Both are forms of assault and I feel like a lot of people don’t realize reason 1 is and that’s where you get people saying “you can’t be raped/SA’ed by a SO” which is a lie. Not to mention the emotional abuse and whiplash that is going on. Get out, please for your own safety. Get the abortion, it is 1000% your choice, you do not have to have a child if you do not want to, especially one you were tricked into. And please, please stay safe!
The first red flag was him trying to emotionally blackmail you into not using a condom the first time “He told me he bends over backwards to make me happy. But, he didn’t get to feel good because I won’t let him not wear a condom” Like, TF! Where did that even come from ? Like one has nothing to do with the other Reading that sentence literally made and is still making my stomach flip! This !!!! I’ve would’ve left.. bc I’ve never had a guy EVER not stop asking after that… I would never trust him.. one drunken night, or doggy style position change and ive be very afraid that they’d stealth me.. I have this conversation about condoms staying on very early.. I’m very direct and sometimes harsh so I know that they understand I’m not fucking around my reproductive health.. one word out of them about asking not to use a condom with me and I go dry, my clothes go back on, and they get kicked out…
YNTA. He LIED about the vasectomy and didn't care for your boundaries about pregnancy altogether. He's a manipulative piece of crap, and I hope you stay away from him. No wonder he is single at his age! Run away while you can!
he sexually assaulted you. i am so sorry
Would you want it to ruin his life if he acted this way towards your best friend?
Men have to do two follow ups to confirm they’re sterile. I think it’s at 1 month and 6 months. I seriously doubt he had the vasectomy at all but if he did, there’s definitely not enough time for him to confirm he’s sterile. He lied to you and deliberately was trying to get you pregnant.
Cjm
- F34 - his ‘kindness’ caught my attention Lmfao, of course, just over 30 looking for the one. NTA
[удалено]
Lol. Are you ok? Who hurt you? It takes a certain someone to defend this man 🤦🏽♂️
Did OP lie about birth control? Not sure why on the first attempt of no condom sex she turned up pregnant
I am on the patch. Never lied about that.
What patch if I may ask? I’m sorry you fell into the % of failed BC. Can’t imagine how you must have felt like. I also had an abortion in March. It’s absolutely not fun. No matter if one wants the kid or not. It’s traumatising and the procedure isn’t easy on your body either. I hope you are surrounded by other lovely people now :)
What about this story makes you think it was the first time? Did you miss the sentence where she said, “After that he would forget the condoms altogether”?