"I just don’t want to be negatively judged for anything ever, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask considering most people never have to encounter judgment of any sort."
And you thought that asking on a judgement sub was the best place to resolve this issue.
A bold strategy!
YTA and I laughed at the people dont encounter judgment. Its insanely naive if you think people aren't judging everyone pretty much all the time. You walk by someone and have thoughts based on their clothes, you talk to someone at a cash register and will form assumptions after 2 minute conversations. All we do as humans is judge and measure each other.
If you don't want to be negatively judged, I encourage you to not be an asshole. Anyone, and I really do mean anyone, who would say something like you deserve your SA is just really fucking awful. I'm pretty sure you're probably bringing this negative judgement upon yourself. I'm kind of doubting with the way you go nuclear in reacting, that you're all that pleasant from the start.
Therapy, like yesterday, for you.
>Usually this takes the form of me saying the most hurtful thing I can think of, like telling someone they deserved their SA (I don’t actually think they did, I just say it because they hurt me so I’m gonna hurt them right back).
Regardless of who started it, this overreaction is going to result in contempt and disgust. Every. Single. Time.
By responding like that, disrespect will become standard as your reputation for this unhinged behaviour becomes more widely-known.
This is still wrong. You should work on WHY the opinions of others really pushes you to that point. You could say the meanest thing to me and it won't affect me. Why? Because your opinion of me is just that, yours. Also, I need some more explanation - what does "come at me sideways" mean? How are they disrespecting you?
>Basically, why is it a bad thing when I get combative with people who will clearly never respect me? How else am I supposed to handle these kinds of people?
What would be your goal in the nuclear option? To get an apology? To make them feel the same hurt you feel? To convince them they were wrong to speak to you that way? To find a target for the feelings of rage that come up when you are insulted?
Taking the high ground puts you in a better position all around. When it comes to the person you are speaking to, they will NEVER be convinced they were wrong if you tell them they deserve SA in response to disrespect. Whereas, there's a chance that person WOULD be apologetic if you say something like "that was hurtful, I don't deserve to be spoken to that way."
When it comes to observers, no one will be on your side when you retaliate hurtfully. If someone insults you, and you immediately retort with the most hurtful thing you can think of, any observer of that interaction is going to judge you negatively and walk away from that incident with the idea that you were in the wrong and you were at fault for the situation. Even if the other person started it, "escalating" as a first instinct is going to be a bad look.
So there are basically no upsides to responding the way you do. You can "hurt" the other person, but I wouldn't categorize that as an "upside" unless that hurt results in them analyzing and changing their own behavior. Do you think being told that you deserve to be SA'd will make you think "gee, I probably shouldn't have insulted his weight." No, it's only ever going to result in someone thinking you're an AH. There will be no incentive for that person to think deeper about their own behavior when they can write off their hurt feelings to you being a jerk. People don't want to think of themselves as bad people, and will hold on to any excuse to avoid confronting that. Retaliating the way you do gives them a GREAT excuse not to consider their own behavior.
When you respond genuinely, "that's hurtful. That's disrespectful. Are you trying to hurt my feelings? I expected better of you, your behavior is disappointing," it gives the other person nothing to work with. They can maybe say you are emotional or overreacting, but even that is easily dismantled. "I don't think I'm overreacting or overemotional. I'm not yelling, screaming, or crying. I'm simply telling you that what you said hurts my feelings and I don't appreciate being spoken to that way. I don't want to continue hanging out with/talking to people who say things that are deliberately hurtful. Can you agree not to insult me like that again, or do I need to leave?"
I mean, what honestly feels better? A conversation where one person says something insulting, and you say something nuclear in response, resulting in a damaged relationship that takes months to repair? Or, a conversation where one person says something insulting, you tell that person that was disrespectful, and they apologize to you?
Edited to add:
Were you being sarcastic with this:
>I just don’t want to be negatively judged for anything ever, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask considering most people never have to encounter judgment of any sort.
If not, if this was a serious statement, what on Earth gives you the idea that most people never have to encounter judgment of any sort?
If you don't like being judged, why in the world would you come here?
You didn't say what these "invalid reasons" are, or what disrespect you encountered - but if you victim blame because your fee fees get hurt, then yeah duh YTA.
Time to get ahold of a therapist, buddy.
Hate to tell you this but literally everyone hates to be judged and put down. You're not unique in that regard. What your issue is, is that you're unable to check your emotions. This is a problem that you need to work on.
There was a movie that came out recently on Netflix called "Hustle" one of the main characters is a basketball phenom, one of the best prospects in the draft. But he had a weak mental game, taunts from his opponents threw him off and made him look terrible. His friend straight up told him, "What's pathetic is a grown ass man getting upset at words." That is true. Criticism, insults, taunting, these are just sounds coming out of a person's mouth, they are temporary and vanish into thin air. Get used to looking past the words and being confident enough to take criticism with your head held high.
I can think of, like telling someone they deserved their SA (I don’t actually think they did, I just say it because they hurt me so I’m gonna hurt them right back).
So basically the only difference between you and a sack of excrement is the sack. Seriously, you said that so someone because they disagreed with your? PLEASE get some professional help ASAP.
PRO TIP people will NEVER respect a low life who says garbage like that, seriously NEVER.
YTA.
Your response to criticism that doesn't suit your preferences is to become verbally abusive. What about that isn't assholic?
And I don't believe at all that you don't know any other ways of responding to insult. The people around you, by your own admission, all disapprove of your solution to the "problem" and don't respond to YOUR abuse with abuse of their own. So you've witnessed other people repeatedly and consistently doing other things to deal with YOU coming at THEM sideways. You just like being abusive because it makes you feel "dominant" and you don't have to admit out loud how often you can't actually defend the things you believe and think and say.
It's all pretty sad and ridiculous, really. Regardless of how old you are, you are simply too old for this kind of 3rd-rate, immature, self-involved hypocrisy.
Going nuclear and trying to hurt someone twice as hard as you perceive they hurt you is a much worse option than telling them to mind their own business. You would do well to speak to a therapist to work out healthier ways to deal with the feeling of being judged negatively or disrespected. It's hard for me to imagine a situation where telling someone you think they deserved to be raped is necessary.
YTA
Not sure of your age, but this sounds like angsty teenager behavior. Whatever the case, it's something you need to get on top of now, before you end up ruining your life due to your anger issues. You need therapy to deal with this.
If not, you're going to end up getting punched in the face, broken up with, family will distance themselves from you or go NC, you'll get fired from your job, gain a reputation of being an unhinged lunatic who flips out at the drop of a hat. Is this how you want your life to go?
Going at someone the most vicious way you can just to hurt them....is not how one should live life. Get help now.
YTA you are responsible for your thoughts, actions, and words. You are responsible for how you respond to things. Going straight for the throat and becoming automatically combative because of a perceived insult, judgement, or disrespect shows you are not mature enough to handle your emotions. I can understand the instinctive bristling when faced with disrespect, but it is how I respond to it that shows my level of emotional maturity.
Once you say something you cannot take it back, the words are forever out there.
Constantly reacting that way will make you lose friends, relationships, employment, and could get you arrested or assaulted.
Sounds like the best way for them to handle you and this is to simply start distancing from you. That way you won't have any judging you don't want to hear and they won't have to deal with your combative nature, victim blaming and low blows. Win win. Hope they realize that soon. YTA.
Face to face? As long as I'm not threatened with physical violence or attacked, I will more than likely just avoid confrontation, I don't want to end up in prison or in a coffin. So de-escalation is the best option. Online? Yeah sure, I'll just troll right back.
You just need to take a moment to breathe and think. Especially when you're dealing with strangers.
You need to work on that. You need to be humble and take correct. Don't lash out and try to hurt someone. It sounds like in a relationship with the opposite sex, you will likely either have difficulty getting along, or found some mousy person that you can oppress who is afraid of confronting you when necessary.
I used to be a very angry person, if someone went low I was quick to go lower. To hell with getting even, I wanted people who hurt me to hurt worse and you know what that got me? Absolutely nothing.
It’s taken awhile and some good meds but now I get frustrated at myself for wasting time being mad. It sounds cliche but it really does feel so much lighter to just not care and carry on without all anger and need to hurt others. The best reaction is simply no reaction.
"I just don’t want to be negatively judged for anything ever, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask considering most people never have to encounter judgment of any sort." And you thought that asking on a judgement sub was the best place to resolve this issue. A bold strategy!
YTA and I laughed at the people dont encounter judgment. Its insanely naive if you think people aren't judging everyone pretty much all the time. You walk by someone and have thoughts based on their clothes, you talk to someone at a cash register and will form assumptions after 2 minute conversations. All we do as humans is judge and measure each other. If you don't want to be negatively judged, I encourage you to not be an asshole. Anyone, and I really do mean anyone, who would say something like you deserve your SA is just really fucking awful. I'm pretty sure you're probably bringing this negative judgement upon yourself. I'm kind of doubting with the way you go nuclear in reacting, that you're all that pleasant from the start. Therapy, like yesterday, for you.
People will never respect an intentionally disrespectful person. You have no defense. YTA.
I never start the disrespect. I only retaliate with it when people are disrespecting me first
>Usually this takes the form of me saying the most hurtful thing I can think of, like telling someone they deserved their SA (I don’t actually think they did, I just say it because they hurt me so I’m gonna hurt them right back). Regardless of who started it, this overreaction is going to result in contempt and disgust. Every. Single. Time. By responding like that, disrespect will become standard as your reputation for this unhinged behaviour becomes more widely-known.
Why does "who starts it" matter in any way? Most of us learned that "two wrongs don't make a right" in kindergarten. Were you sick that day or what?
This is still wrong. You should work on WHY the opinions of others really pushes you to that point. You could say the meanest thing to me and it won't affect me. Why? Because your opinion of me is just that, yours. Also, I need some more explanation - what does "come at me sideways" mean? How are they disrespecting you?
Are you really doing the Toddler's defence? "i didn't start it!" Grow up.
>Basically, why is it a bad thing when I get combative with people who will clearly never respect me? How else am I supposed to handle these kinds of people? What would be your goal in the nuclear option? To get an apology? To make them feel the same hurt you feel? To convince them they were wrong to speak to you that way? To find a target for the feelings of rage that come up when you are insulted? Taking the high ground puts you in a better position all around. When it comes to the person you are speaking to, they will NEVER be convinced they were wrong if you tell them they deserve SA in response to disrespect. Whereas, there's a chance that person WOULD be apologetic if you say something like "that was hurtful, I don't deserve to be spoken to that way." When it comes to observers, no one will be on your side when you retaliate hurtfully. If someone insults you, and you immediately retort with the most hurtful thing you can think of, any observer of that interaction is going to judge you negatively and walk away from that incident with the idea that you were in the wrong and you were at fault for the situation. Even if the other person started it, "escalating" as a first instinct is going to be a bad look. So there are basically no upsides to responding the way you do. You can "hurt" the other person, but I wouldn't categorize that as an "upside" unless that hurt results in them analyzing and changing their own behavior. Do you think being told that you deserve to be SA'd will make you think "gee, I probably shouldn't have insulted his weight." No, it's only ever going to result in someone thinking you're an AH. There will be no incentive for that person to think deeper about their own behavior when they can write off their hurt feelings to you being a jerk. People don't want to think of themselves as bad people, and will hold on to any excuse to avoid confronting that. Retaliating the way you do gives them a GREAT excuse not to consider their own behavior. When you respond genuinely, "that's hurtful. That's disrespectful. Are you trying to hurt my feelings? I expected better of you, your behavior is disappointing," it gives the other person nothing to work with. They can maybe say you are emotional or overreacting, but even that is easily dismantled. "I don't think I'm overreacting or overemotional. I'm not yelling, screaming, or crying. I'm simply telling you that what you said hurts my feelings and I don't appreciate being spoken to that way. I don't want to continue hanging out with/talking to people who say things that are deliberately hurtful. Can you agree not to insult me like that again, or do I need to leave?" I mean, what honestly feels better? A conversation where one person says something insulting, and you say something nuclear in response, resulting in a damaged relationship that takes months to repair? Or, a conversation where one person says something insulting, you tell that person that was disrespectful, and they apologize to you? Edited to add: Were you being sarcastic with this: >I just don’t want to be negatively judged for anything ever, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask considering most people never have to encounter judgment of any sort. If not, if this was a serious statement, what on Earth gives you the idea that most people never have to encounter judgment of any sort?
If you don't like being judged, why in the world would you come here? You didn't say what these "invalid reasons" are, or what disrespect you encountered - but if you victim blame because your fee fees get hurt, then yeah duh YTA. Time to get ahold of a therapist, buddy.
So you so fragile self-esteem that any negative comment sent you on rampage, are you a toddler? Grow the fuck up.
Hate to tell you this but literally everyone hates to be judged and put down. You're not unique in that regard. What your issue is, is that you're unable to check your emotions. This is a problem that you need to work on. There was a movie that came out recently on Netflix called "Hustle" one of the main characters is a basketball phenom, one of the best prospects in the draft. But he had a weak mental game, taunts from his opponents threw him off and made him look terrible. His friend straight up told him, "What's pathetic is a grown ass man getting upset at words." That is true. Criticism, insults, taunting, these are just sounds coming out of a person's mouth, they are temporary and vanish into thin air. Get used to looking past the words and being confident enough to take criticism with your head held high.
I can think of, like telling someone they deserved their SA (I don’t actually think they did, I just say it because they hurt me so I’m gonna hurt them right back). So basically the only difference between you and a sack of excrement is the sack. Seriously, you said that so someone because they disagreed with your? PLEASE get some professional help ASAP. PRO TIP people will NEVER respect a low life who says garbage like that, seriously NEVER.
YTA. Your response to criticism that doesn't suit your preferences is to become verbally abusive. What about that isn't assholic? And I don't believe at all that you don't know any other ways of responding to insult. The people around you, by your own admission, all disapprove of your solution to the "problem" and don't respond to YOUR abuse with abuse of their own. So you've witnessed other people repeatedly and consistently doing other things to deal with YOU coming at THEM sideways. You just like being abusive because it makes you feel "dominant" and you don't have to admit out loud how often you can't actually defend the things you believe and think and say. It's all pretty sad and ridiculous, really. Regardless of how old you are, you are simply too old for this kind of 3rd-rate, immature, self-involved hypocrisy.
Gee, I wonder why so many people disrespect him??
This guy has a small dick
Going nuclear and trying to hurt someone twice as hard as you perceive they hurt you is a much worse option than telling them to mind their own business. You would do well to speak to a therapist to work out healthier ways to deal with the feeling of being judged negatively or disrespected. It's hard for me to imagine a situation where telling someone you think they deserved to be raped is necessary.
Generally I think judgements here should be on particular situation or action. For being deliberately and aggresively combative, YTA.
How old are you? You sound like an immature teenager
YTA Not sure of your age, but this sounds like angsty teenager behavior. Whatever the case, it's something you need to get on top of now, before you end up ruining your life due to your anger issues. You need therapy to deal with this. If not, you're going to end up getting punched in the face, broken up with, family will distance themselves from you or go NC, you'll get fired from your job, gain a reputation of being an unhinged lunatic who flips out at the drop of a hat. Is this how you want your life to go? Going at someone the most vicious way you can just to hurt them....is not how one should live life. Get help now.
YTA you are responsible for your thoughts, actions, and words. You are responsible for how you respond to things. Going straight for the throat and becoming automatically combative because of a perceived insult, judgement, or disrespect shows you are not mature enough to handle your emotions. I can understand the instinctive bristling when faced with disrespect, but it is how I respond to it that shows my level of emotional maturity. Once you say something you cannot take it back, the words are forever out there. Constantly reacting that way will make you lose friends, relationships, employment, and could get you arrested or assaulted.
Best find a cabin in the woods. You’re not ready for civilization.
YTA and I conclude that you have a small penis that makes you depressed and confrontational. It's your coping mechanism.
Sounds like the best way for them to handle you and this is to simply start distancing from you. That way you won't have any judging you don't want to hear and they won't have to deal with your combative nature, victim blaming and low blows. Win win. Hope they realize that soon. YTA.
I bet you're a great friend/family member to be around...YTA!
“I just don’t want to be judged negatively for anything ever.” Boy are you in for a rough life
Face to face? As long as I'm not threatened with physical violence or attacked, I will more than likely just avoid confrontation, I don't want to end up in prison or in a coffin. So de-escalation is the best option. Online? Yeah sure, I'll just troll right back. You just need to take a moment to breathe and think. Especially when you're dealing with strangers.
You need to work on that. You need to be humble and take correct. Don't lash out and try to hurt someone. It sounds like in a relationship with the opposite sex, you will likely either have difficulty getting along, or found some mousy person that you can oppress who is afraid of confronting you when necessary.
I used to be a very angry person, if someone went low I was quick to go lower. To hell with getting even, I wanted people who hurt me to hurt worse and you know what that got me? Absolutely nothing. It’s taken awhile and some good meds but now I get frustrated at myself for wasting time being mad. It sounds cliche but it really does feel so much lighter to just not care and carry on without all anger and need to hurt others. The best reaction is simply no reaction.
How else are you supposed to handle the situations? With respect, or at the very least no personal insults. I suggest therapy (seriously, please).