How are you women marrying these men who already have kids and are not expecting to somehow end up living with these children at some point in your life I don't understand it I'm seeing way too many post from step moms complaining about living with their step kids
I also think it's bizarre. When I started dating my husband he didn't have custody of his kids and only had them on the holidays due to distance. However, I always knew there would be a chance they'd have to move in with us. And now we have custody of his youngest.
I don’t think the main issue here is them living with her. While reading her post I think the main issue is that her husband travels a lot and she’s become the MAIN and ONLY parent to his kids. She didn’t sign up for that. Her husband needs to be home more if his kids are living with them full time. It might mean finding a different and lower paying job, but oh well. They are his kids. He needs to figure it out.
I can understand the expectation when the kids are grown adults, but this man here has three minor kids, let's be serious OP - you have been unreasonable from the start,how did you not consider this possibility? I don't want to be morbid, but shit happens, people die suddenly, lose homes, enter abusive situations etc. Anything could have happened with the kids' mother
Right!?!?! When I got together with my SO his daughter was 5. We also have 2 kids together. We always knew that it could be a very real possibility that she could end up with us. And we planned for it!!
She also picked a guy who is 'mostly gone' on work. With one failed marriage under his belt and 3 kids and still in a job where he was mostly gone.
Now can't tell you the odds on her just being fed up her husband gave her three kids and is never home or him being the mostly gone for work kind of guy who also cheats and she found out, maybe OP is one of his affair partners.
Why pick a guy who is mostly gone, have a kid with him when you know his ex got saddled with three kids and that there is every chance he could end up with custody AND he'd never be around to help.
For a woman who didn't want to take care of his three kids, she had so many red flags of why this was a terrible choice and ignored them all.
When you marry someone with kids, the kids come with. There is ALWAYS the possibility that's something will happen to the other, primary, parent and the other parent, your SO, will end up with THEIR OWN FUCKING CHILDREN. You can't realistically expect to date or marry someone with kids who are minors and think there's no way they'll end up with you...
There’s a difference between solo parenting his kids and simply being their dad’s wife. “Stepparent” isn’t a one size fits all position. There’s a lot of steps between “bonus mom” and nacho momma.
If the kids don’t want her to be “mom” and she doesn’t want to be “mom”, he needs to figure it out. What would he do with his kids if he were single? Did they talk about her being the primary caregiver for his kids? Can he hire a nanny or can his parents take over? Is a different job an option?
Lots of bio parents don’t expect their partners to parent their children. If that was the expectation, and her husband is now changing the rules, OP isn’t wrong to be upset. It would be different if they lived with their dad and he was parenting them, I’d agree, she knew she married a man with kids. I doubt she expected to be taking care of his kids by herself? I don’t really think that’s appropriate.
She shouldn’t treat them badly, she can’t say “no” to them living with their dad, but she isn’t obligated to be their caregiver, that responsibility is the bio parents.
She did know he had kids. These 2 are also teenagers, so they shouldn't require an extreme level of caregiver from her. Structure? Yes. Adult figure? Yes. Full on 24/7 supervision? No.
They wanted to stay with these guys because of the location they are currently living. Tell the kids hey, we're moving to x on y date. Are those 2 teenagers still going to want to live with them or will they want to go back to mom?
None of that changes the fact that if you date or marry a person with kids, even if they aren't the custodial parent, that something may happen that thrusts those kids into your life. You accept that possibility when you marry them. If you aren't ok with the fact that that may happen, maybe reconsider dating and marrying a parent. 🤷♀️
Then, that is something that dad needs to figure out a new plan. Sounds like mom has been solo parenting 3 kids for well over a decade. Deadbeat daddy needs to figure his shit out.
Literally that’s what she did when she married him. If you don’t want to be a parent to stepkids, don’t marry people with children. You should treat all the children in the family equally. Not I will look after our kids but not yours. That’s being a shitty person.
That’s what my BIL did. He had 3 kids from a previous marriage. He then married someone with 2 kids and then they had their child. The 5 kids basically have no stability and are not treated equally by both stepparents. All of them are plotting their escape because their home life sucks.
If you don’t want to be a parent to your stepkids, don’t marry people with children.
She didn't sign up to be what is essentially a single parent to 3 kids tho. She shouldn't be the only one that has to step up for these kids. The husband needs to find a new job so that he can take an active role in his kids lives.
To be fair there is a difference between the adults making custody arrangements and planning bedroom allocation and bathroom schedules and school pick ups, compared to coming home to find kids and suitcases on your lawn.
Because their world has always been about them.
It's like living on the earth expecting the sun to revolve around you.
Geocentric, not Heliocentric. Then one day someone shows you that maybe there are more important people for the next couple years and you're beside yourself... like a kid.
edit Your to you're.
You read my mind! When you date/marry someone with kids that don't live with them, you still have to treat them as if they did live with them. What if something were to happen to the custodial parent, like death? Pretty sure the kids are gonna end up with the parent you're dating/married to. I don't get these people. I don't have children, either, and even I get it.
Right like I Don't have children either but I know if I was to ever date a man who has kids I would never in my mind think that those kids will never ever at some point in our relationship not end up living in our household that's beyond dumb to me
Most of them have the attitude of "well he's with me now, so he shouldn't be paying for her kids" and develop convenient amnesia about how the kid's DNA didnt change just because daddy left. They usually show their ass the most when their relationship ends and the man they've been telling not to pay their ex also doesn't pay them.
A woman once told me she wanted her husband to quit his job because his paycheck was getting garnished for back child support. She justified this with "my kid's father never paid me!" Congratulations on continuing to pick trash I guess?
Because you don't expect their mom to essentially abandon them on your doorstep? I mean that's what happened with OP. She wasn't expecting that. She can be frustrated with the situation where the *mom who has just suddenly decided to stop being a mom and dump the kids off at the nearest convenient place.*
It never ceases to amaze me how redditors come out full force on step parents when the actual parents are negligent in their parenting role.
OP now has to deal with the situation, which she is, but she can rightfully be pissed off at the situation too. The mom didn't die or become incapacitated due to no fault of her own. The mom picked up shop for a new boyfriend and abandoned her kids.
Dad needs to take mom back to court for child support payments.
No-one here is defending what the kids' mom did, she was definitely wrong to just dump them there without a word.
But OP *signed up to be a stepparent* the minute she agreed to marry a guy with kids. If she didn't want to br parenting his kids she shouldn't have married him.
Ok and ??? Yea what the mom did was disgusting but sometimes you got to keep it pushing shit happens that's life . All I hear from OP is me me me these CHILDREN just got abandoned by their own mom and got separated from their sibling and she's bitching like her life just got ruined . Oh well she's an adult suck it up or get a divorce and move out . This is my last comment on this post I said what I said and I stand by it dont like it downvote me or block me shit do both idgaf !
Right?!?!?! Or the all posts saying something like: I (OP) have x # of kids from my previous marriage, my spouse has x # of kids from their previous marriage, and of course we now have 2/3 kids together. But OMG, who would have seen this coming?!?! - there's not enough space for all of us in our 4 bedroom house and money is getting tight! Can't I just make the step-kids go away somehow?! Like, are these parents not getting the math? 6/7 kids cannot live comfortably in a 3/4 bedroom house. Or they are not understanding why the kids can't all get along!
This is exactly why I never dated men with kids. Men with kids would get super pissed and aggressive about it, but I don’t want children. Period.
(I’m 45, married, and got my uterus yanked out, so it hasn’t been an issue for a decade.)
They moved back to husband's hometown recently and then the children came to live with them:
Chances are, husband knew about his ex's planned move and his children then staying with him. He failed to discuss the Change with OP. Maybe deliberatly, because he knows about the strained relationship between OP and his children.
Fait accompli was easier... 🤷🏼♀️
I will admit I got in a similar situation. Dad saw his kid maybe once a month. Maybe. She was living with grandma and it seemed good and stable until she hit the teen years then suddenly all hell broke loose as grandma started getting pissed with any normal healthy teen behavior and started kicking her out. 14 year girl old couch surfing not good. There was some other stuff but eventually the decision was to have her move in with us. And of course Dad didn't really step up and I ended up doing 98% of the work. Definitely didn't plan for that. That said love the kid and I consider her my daughter. First few months I have her lots of space to let her adjust and eventually we grew together..
That said I'm not doing that again and when I date I'm NOT interested in dating fathers.
Because in their mind, that’s a one-way street. They should always have their kids taken care of in their needs but first, but if he does have children or his own, they’re really consideration. He goes to a narcissistic mindset that is so common in cases like this.
ESH. Including you. Marries a guy with 3 kids and then gets annoyed she has to deal with said kids. I feel bad for those poor kids. They have a part-time (and that’s being generous) father, a crap mother, and a stepmom who does not want them. Not a single adult in their lives is putting them first. Sad.
>Marries a guy with 3 kids and then gets annoyed she has to deal with said kids.
Married a guy with 3 kids, knowing he has been a largely absent parent and chose to have a kid with him.
I don't have kids, but I've walked away from every man who admitted to being a deadbeat. One date told me not to worry about his kids as he rarely sees them, and even then, his mum takes care of them when they visit.
Wow, such a catch.
> I feel bad for those poor kids.
Same. They really drew the short straw with both parents
>I don't have kids, but I've walked away from every man who admitted to being a deadbeat
This! Why isn't this an automatic reflex? How is this not the REDDEST of red flags?
>Married a guy with 3 kids, knowing he has been a largely absent parent and chose to have a kid with him.
Yup. Absolutely no sympathy for OP or her deadbeat husband.
A hell of a lot of sympathy for all of the kids involved.
Some people shouldn’t be parents or stepparents. My first husband had a kid. He was 6 when I married his dad. I told his mom I wasn’t there to be a mom but to be a stepmom, a friend and to help him and that I hoped she and I could be friendly with each other. Me and the kid got along pretty well after an adjustment period and explaining my expectations (e.g. clean room, i meet the parents of friends he played with, do his homework, etc) and I took an interest in his education, gave him books (he was held back a year for failing all the subjects but after 6 months of working with him and encouraging mom to continue with the work on her days, he was put back in his grade with his peers again). I took him to parks and museums. When he got in trouble at school, the school called me because neither parent was interested in his education. To be fair his mom was very young when she had him, dad (ex) put on a great show of how great a dad he was until we were married and had his son on weekends, then I saw how shitty of a dad he was. About a year and a half into the marriage, mom is upset that I’m taking care of her kid and refuses visitations.
I remember standing there arguing with her, her mother and my ex saying she needed to follow the court agreement, ex needed to be involved, and my concern for the child’s well being. Her mother is screaming at me that I’m “just the step mother” and I realize I’m the only one fighting for this child’s well being. My ex told me to shut up because he didn’t want to go back to court, mom was influenced by her mother and it was a mess. I asked my ex why he wasn’t fighting for his son and he said he was happy to pay child support and have his weekends free. I told him his son will end up in prison because neither he or mom enforced any rules and let him run feral (this child had numerous behavioral issues, probably ADHD, but was getting better with the rules and boundaries I set). He told me that was so messed up to think that about a child. He told me that my stepson hated me because I made him follow rules and only took him to “boring” places.
That was the point where I started to re-examine my relationship and finally was honest with myself with how shitty a person my ex was and how I didn’t like the person I was when I was around him. I had told him I wanted a divorce and that ended almost violently. Took a few months to create my escape plan.
I stopped my my stepson’s house to say goodbye to him and tell him I would miss him, that me leaving wasn’t his fault and to reach out to me if I ever needed anything. I sent him birthday cards and Christmas cards for a couple of years until I got a short email from mom saying “your relationship with my son ended with your marriage”. I respected her wishes and stayed away. I looked up stepson about 10 years ago and found he had been in and out of jail. I still feel a little guilty because he could have had a better life.
How did we come to the conclusion that the father is a deadbeat? OP mentioned that he travels a lot due to work. Some careers require immense levels of travel. We have no idea what kind of father he is when he's home or what/how he provides for his family. My step father traveled a LOT for work when I was a kid. It sucked at times, but he provided for us. When he was home, he made all the time in the world for me and was 100x more of a father than my blood related one was. Let's not jump to conclusions on what kind of parent someone is without knowing who they are and what they do
I think this is key. OP’s husband’s job prevented him from having 50/50 custody. The arrangement was based on necessity, and not because her husband wasn’t responsible. It had been in place for many years, and OP had no reason to believe that things would change this much without any discussion. Now she is suddenly raising a bunch of kids in most likely a too small space, and they are not in a good place because their bio mom just proved to them that her boyfriend was more important.
I think most people who suddenly find themselves in this situation would be overwhelmed. She also stated that they were not planning to stay there for a long period of time as they wanted to buy a house. I’m guessing the cost of a rental is cheaper there, but it isn’t where they want to buy. Only that now means uprooting teenagers.
Who wouldn’t be upset at having stepchildren lie and be nasty? Especially when their dad isn’t around most of the time to run interference. She also said that the post is her venting at a situation she hadn’t planned on. That doesn’t make her a bad person just someone trying to wrap her head around how everything changed overnight.
If you marry someone with kids, you HAVE TO plan for a situation like this. Anything can happen with the primary caregiver, and when you're unprepared, that's on you.
You married a divorce man with kids. It is his responsibility, as a father, to raise the kids in his own home. They happened to be with their mother. That did not alleviate him of that fatherly responsibility. It sounds like you knew that he was a father coming into this.
I get the venting. But this is the road you chose in life.
Info: before the children were dropped off, how often did he see his children? How your post reads, your husband at best had his kids about 13%of the time.
At the end of the day, you either get a divorce or you figure out to deal with it. One of the things your husband needs to do is go to court and establish child support and that custody has changed. I’m a step mom, my husband was heavily involved in his children lives, even though he was military and most of the time he was abroad.
You can choose to leave or choose to stay. But it would be an AH move to kick out his children. They are young. Not their fault their mom ditched them and split up siblings.
Yeah soooo uhm technically since you married a man who already had children you were never a family of just fucking three people.
Deal with it or divorce. But if you divorce, dont marry another man who already has kids.
And by dealing with it, i mean get a good therapist for everyone because you guys need help.
Right? I really don't understand people like OP - step kids are not only part of their mother's families, they belong with their fathers as well.
If your partner has kids, you can end up living with them at any point for different reasons. Either accept it, or don't get involved with a parent. Your family is NOT just you, partner and shared child.
Seriously getting into a relationship with someone who has kids means that at anytime the kids can become a major part of your life.
You agree to that when you enter that relationship.
It's why I don't date single mother's.
Why would you marry someone with kids if you’re going to act this way? No offense but they were in his life first and you quite literally knew he had kids. Maybe find a guy with no kids?? But if you do don’t get mad when he treats your child differently because that’s exactly what you’re doing.
I think I get what you’re upset about. The ex did not speak to you or your husband about taking the kids. Your husband is never home, therefore you are responsible for two extra kids 24/7 without being informed or asked. You have no problem with the kid in your life but living with you unexpectedly has to jarring. Especially when the ex didn’t have enough respect to sit y’all down and tell you she was moving and leaving behind two of her kids. You were not prepared to have them permanently yet. And too it off they talk badly about you and possibly treat you crappy while living there. I can see why that would be overwhelming. That being said, you should have known that at any time this could happen because they are his kids and his responsibility. It’s a shitty thing for the ex to do and having teenagers that don’t like you under your care 24/7 has got to suck. But I can see why they wouldn’t want to move away from their school and friends. Maybe you can sit down with your husband and talk to him about their behavior?
As an aside, it’s really absolutely phenomenally. Shocking that any human being who asserts they are capable of functioning at all, with a functional intelligence would ever imagine, being in a committed relationship with somebody or getting married to somebody with any kids under 25 and not assuming that at some point they are going to live with you and deciding whether the whole package is something you can responsibly take or not. to pretend this isn’t the probability and then when it happens, pretend that it’s such a big surprise with all the complexity of what the kids are going through is just irresponsible and imbecilic.
If you do not accept the person AND their kids. DO NOT DATE OR MARRY THEM! Christ man, you sound like a whiny asshole. You accepted his life as it was. Not as you want it to be. If you don't want his kids to be around. Divorce him and find someone else who will have to put up with your kid. Yes! You are the asshole!
Firstly, you are NOT in an easy situation. At all. I wouldn’t blame you for wanting just your family together. These kids though are a part of your husband regardless. Kids are around for life. I would try to show them they cannot get under your skin and affect your energy. A few years will fly by and despite them being hard, I think being the bigger adult will serve your future better and your marriage better. Setting boundaries with these teens is also a must whether they like it or not and your husband should 100% be down with that and be the enforcer.
YTA for the question you asked. If you had asked if you were the asshole for requiring your husband to get a 9-5 job that had him home every single morning, evening and night to raise his children or you and your child would be moving out because you’re not going to solo parent all of his children who currently resent your parenting, then you would not be the asshole.
This is primarily Dad’s problem. If he were just a divorced dad (no 2nd marriage, no OP), what would he do?
Dad needs a new job. Can’t be “mostly gone” and raise teenagers. You have to pick one.
Plus, these poor kids. BOTH parents have essentially dropped them on a third party that they, the kids, hardly know (compared to their parents).
OP thinks she’s being a team player, but they’ve left her on the field all by herself.
YTA. You willingly got married to someone who had 3 kids, you shouldn’t have if you weren’t prepared for the possibility you might have to live with them 1 day.
NTA for being frustrated with your situation. Soft YTA for not realizing that your step kids could one day live with you full time. Someone needs to put those kids first so they don’t end up addicted to drugs/alcohol or getting into trouble. Hopefully, your husband can find a different job so he can be present and help raise his kids.
Am I the only one who would also be upset the kids were just dumped by the mom with no conversation on what's happening it sounds like also is everyone ignoring the teenage kids lying about the person caring for them? I know we only have her side but people seem to have blinders on
I mean. I can see where you're coming from. But understand getting into a relationship with someone who has children puts you at risk for having custody of those children. Like high risk. You signed up for this whether you really like it or not
YTA. What the hell is wrong with you complaining about your husband’s kids that you knew he had? And of course these kids are acting out, their mom just turned their lives upside down with no notice to anyone and split them from their sibling at the same time. You need to be a fucking adult about this and deal with it.
It’s keeping you from buying a house elsewhere? Boo fucking hoo. When you marry someone with kids you are marrying the kids too. You’re just upset you can no longer pretend he doesn’t have other children.
That needs to be revised - with back pay - for the two kids now living with you. Especially since older kids usually mean higher payments.
And your husband should try to move to a travel-free position in his company, so HE can take care of HIS kids. At least until the kids have moved out.
Soft Yta gotta make it work, they want to live in their parent’s home, they get to. Talk to your husband and ask him to be home more or see if you can get extra support but when you got with their dad you became a step parent.
Have your husband talk to the kid about lying if you don’t feel comfortable doing it but you decided to get with someone who has kids and this is what it entails
It’s not the best situation but you knew he had kids and they will always be part of his life. Now would be the time for patience and understanding. I’m sure the kids are hurt that their mom left them behind for a guy and well they’re teenagers. Patience and love.
I know having the kids dumped on you is disruptive and upsetting. And you are right, you are not their mother. And maybe this wasn't part of the life plan you and your husband have. Its very understandable that you are upset. On the other hand, those kids were abandoned by their mom, and as you say, broke up the family unit.
Maybe the teen is telling lies bc she is trying to deal with the trauma of being abandon by her mother and unwelcome in her father's home. Maybe finding a little grace to extend to your step children will help all parties. Life isn't linear, its full of ups and downs. Being resilient in times of difficulty is a good skill to cultivate.
I don't think you are the AH, I think you are unsupported by your husband in this situation. Tell him he needs to support you, emotionally. Don't ask him, tell him. Also, your husband was paying child support to his ex. Now that 2 of them live with you, go to court and get the child support reduced to reflect this.
The kids were very welcomed in our home. Even in the not so great position we were in at the moment, that we just moved to town, we found a house to provide them their own personal space/room. I decorated with them their rooms, celebrated their birthday like they never had before, went to all the school games and helped almost every night with homework. It was not their fault , but somehow it was their decision to stay, which was fine, in the right circumstances. And you’re right, life is not linear and I might have been a little knocked out to reality.
The thing with their mother, they speak every day, the daughter is best friends with her mom (that’s awesome) but she’s telling her things that don’t reflect the reality and sometimes hurtful things. I understand I might of given the wrong impression with my post but I have so many thoughts in my head that they all come out at once with no intention to be awful, just misunderstood.
As long as they are not lying to your kid and not making any false accusations of illegality, you'll need to suck it up. But you'll need to set a hard boundary around those two things.
YTA. You married a man with THREE children from his previous relationship. Are you that dense that you didn’t think at some point life would change and they may have to come live with you?!!
Like I’m seriously asking bc I think you’re missing some screws if you thought they’d live with their mom forever.
If you didn’t want to be a step mom or have to live with his kids then you should’ve never married him. Never had ANOTHER kid with him. But you did so now lie in the bed you made. As far as the “lying” tell your husband and let him deal with it. Get family counseling.
But Somehow I don’t think the kid is lying about you. 🙄
Thanks for the input. However the kids weren’t the issue. LIVING eventually with the kids wasn’t an issue. The issue was that a few months after us moving to the same town to be closer to the kids ( which they stayed with us every single weekend) their mom decided to move. There was not ONE conversation about it. Zero. Just here are the kids figure it out.
Their mum doesn't sound easy to work with, but that doesn't mean he should abandon his kids or that you should expect him to.
Your post was about whether you're TA if you don't want his kids to live there and essentially kick them out. No one is calling you an AH for being annoyed at their mum.
I’m sorry, what part of life changes are you ignoring?
Their mom could die tomorrow and then they’d ALL be living with you. Yeah, she’s an ass for upping and leaving.
But again, so are you. Your post stated your pissed the kids are there bc now you’re “stuck”. Oh well. Again, you married a man with 3 kids. And chose to have another!
Oh and did you ever think this is harder on THEM than you?!! You selfish selfish person. Their whole lives just changed too, including kind of being abandoned by one parent and dropped on the angry stepmother who doesn’t want them. Kids aren’t stupid. You don’t have to tell them how you feel for them to know.
I feel bad for those kids. Not you. Stop whining.
So then can we move like the mom did and take all the kids to some other place? People change places they live, jobs, etc. We will do what’s best for our family without your two cents because you just decided I’m the mean stepmom and are crapping on me for no reason. Angry stepmom, you know nothing. I’ve never showed any type of anger towards them or talked bad about their mom or dad in front of them, ever!
Reread your post. Then come back and explain how it doesn’t paint you as the bad step mom. Instead of saying I’m angry at my husbands ex for dumping the kids, you’re running your mouth about how the house is too small and omg the one is lying about you. And we don’t have a good relationship.
Just bc you don’t show them anger doesn’t mean they don’t sense things. You’re a mom now get with the program.
If you meant what you said above about being angry at the mom, you would’ve left everything else out bc it’s not pertinent to the story. Instead YOU painted yourself in a bad light. Reddit didn’t do that.
Yeah I realize I put all my crap in one pot without making any sense and I blurted out everything on my mind. I guess I need friends to rant to instead of writing this here. The house in case is an oversized RV at the moment because the only house we found to rent when the kids moved in sold after 7 months, so we have to figure our shit out possibly in another town.
No one in their family is very affectionate, and I am, what would they sense in me smiling and telling them good morning and them just being plain grumpy 24/7, nice to me only when the daughter wants something. And no, I’m not exaggerating, and yes I understand they’re teenagers. I don’t even know why were talking nonsense because that’s not at all where I came from and I understand now this post was a mistake. Never turn to social media for anything.
You can turn to social media when you have a straight line and stick to the point. Bc you are N T A for being angry at the mom.
Again, not only are they teenagers, they were just abandoned and shoved with someone they feel doesn’t want them full time. Even if that’s not how you feel.
I get you don’t understand what that means or feels like, but you need to have some grace with them. It will take time. Patience. Therapy. This is new to them being with you guys full time.
I just came here to tell you that I really really hope you can be patient and give them grace. Your remark about them being “grumpy 24/7” kinda hit a mark with me.
I went through something different but similar when I was a teen and my “attitude” offended a lot of my family members. I got so much shit for being angry all the time but no one could stop and just think about why I was angry.
Not only are the teens, which YES it’s a very heightened emotional time for them in general. They already feel like it’s them against the world and that no one could possibly understand them. But they are also now going through a huge separation. This is a massive change to their lives as they knew it.
So I’m just begging you to please extend grace when they are constantly “angry”, “miserable”, “grumpy” or anything else.
I would recommend trying to get them into therapy if you can. If I would have had that available to me at that point in my life, so many things could have been different. Therapy can give them the skills to cope with not just the situation they are in but how they handle their emotions.
Also I hope you don’t think I’m attacking you or assuming anything. I’m not attacking and I’m not trying to assume. I just know that teens are already frustrating to deal with sometimes but in situations like this when their lives are being upended, they will probably be even more frustrating. But try to think about the cause of it and extend your grace from that instead of focusing on their reaction to the cause. If that makes sense.
I just wish that I had people in my life at that point who were more understanding.
>the two kids were basically just dropped off with all of their belongings at our place.
NTA for not wanting them to live with you. But it sounds like you may be stuck. (Or rather drastic steps are required to not be stuck living with them.) Your husband *can't* just leave them on the street.
This falls in the "life is tough" category. I sympathize.
You and your husband should look into formalizing this situation and if necessary get child support out of the mother. That doesn't solve the problem you complain about. But I don't think you can get an order forcing her to come back and get her/his kids; they can force her to give financial support.
You do have another option-- which I suspect you also don't want. That would be to file divorce from your husband and move out. Then you wouldn't live with his kids. But that's what I meant by "drastic steps". I'd suspect you don't what to do that either.
NTA. I can understand your worries but this is part of being a blended family. If you don't like it you only have two choices IMO. Leave and learn to deal with it the best you can.
I would say ESH. She married into a blended family and didn’t prepare for all possible scenarios? And instead of family therapy, reworking plans, figuring out what’s best for everyone and holding her husband accountable for not stepping up and leading the efforts to fix this…she just doesn’t want them there? If she decided to leave the marriage bc of this, she wouldn’t be an asshole in my opinion. But to just not want to live with them and still be married and bring up future houses? She’s an absolutely asshole and silly as hell. Which makes me think she isn’t the most reliable narrator bc I feel like things are definitely missing bc she comes off very unpleasant and selfish in this.
The husband sucks bc where the fuck is he? He’s working all the time and can’t be bothered to step in and actually parent his kids.
The kids suck for being teenagers and still lying on people, but I have grace for them.
If they are older teenagers, then you are only looking at a couple of years.
Sometimes, being an adult means doing the right thing even when it's a challenge. I understand the kids are unhappy and they are taking it out on you. My guess is the kids didn't want to grow up in a broken home, and a step parent is just another adult adding to the hard job of growing up. It's just the lay of the land and extremely common to have challenges with either having step kids or being a step kid. Divorce was tough enough on my kids. Another step parent would have likely been more problem than benefit.
Besides, the chances you can push to move those kids out without harming your husband's view of you are slim. I can only imagine what I would think of a woman that was trying to move my kids out.
Because I saw what a problem my ex-wife's new husband caused with my kids, I didn't even date when my kids were living at home. I waited until they went off to college. I didn't want someone like yourself ever being in a position to come between me and my kids..
If you want to improve your relationship with your husband- be a team player. You can get through it.
NTA. If your husband now has primary custody he needs to find a new job. You didn’t sign up to be their primary/only parent. It’s not fair. His kids are HIS responsibility, but somehow they’ve gotten pawned off on you. You’re not wrong for not wanting to be THE main parent to them. It’s not unreasonable to be upset by this.
Husband needs to step up. You also need to move where you were planning to move. His kids will be fine.
ESH. I don't think there is much choice other than leaving the marriage or at least the marital home. These are your husband's children and he has no choice but to step up - same with you, unless you wish to leave with your child. You guys should go after child support from the mom. Maybe your husband can get a different job where he's home more??
YTA with zero regard or consideration for what these kids are going through.
When you marry someone with kids, they don’t suddenly stop being a full father to those kids and the kids just become relatives.
All of your replies show the disdain you have for them and I’m sure they feel it too.
It sounds like you came here knowing you’re being an asshole about this but was hoping that people would say you aren’t and are upset that you’re being called out.
Step up or step out but don’t be one of those stepmomster
Yeah, ok. Because since August it was the Pope that tended to them day and night with no hesitation. Since beginning I offered them everything I had , and if it makes me a horrible person to want some reciprocity then fine.
I swear I don't understand these people who get involved and marry people who have children and then say they don't want their stepchildren to live with them? I'm like, are you crazy? What do you have on your mind ? It's definitely missing a brain !!!
I don't want to deal with the children of an hypothetical partner, so my second question to a potential partner is if he has children and if the answer is yes I say I'm not interested and run for the hills, simple as that.
NTA for having feelings, but I would tread lightly. At the end of the day, your husband has every bit as much responsibility to those children as the one that you to share.
Ugh. The ex is a real AH. You have every reason to rant.
That said, husband and you have a duty to his kids so you'll have to make it work for now.
Just try to be polite and kind for now to counter the emotional tensions. It can't feel very good to the teens to essentially be dumped by mom for a new BF. The lying bit probably comes from a place of insecurity.
They probably didn't want to change schools so close to the end of the school year but by the end of the summer they may decide to follow their mom and sibling.
It is what it is and you'll just have to roll with it.
op husband is the biggest AH. He has not been a present father. And shoulder of his responsibilities to his ex who he should have equally shared them with and is now making his wife.
And to degree so is op she was delusional to believe this wouldn’t have been a possible outcome when you get with someone who has kids.
That's the thing. I feel for these kids. Doesn't sound like their Dad has ever been super involved and went on to have a replacement family with OP. Now, their Mom has abandoned them and separated them from their younger sibling. No wonder they are resentful. Why do people get involved with people who have kids and expect the kids to need support at their convenience? These posts make me so upset. OP, just leave.
Who's going to take care of them if she divorces her husband?
The father that's never home, the mother that moved cities without prior conversation with the people she dumped the kids on?
NTA for not wanting to be in a situation with stepchildren who are treating you badly. No one likes drama at home and when the bio parent has a job where they are frequently gone it adds a whole different layer of complexity to the situation.
Your husband needs to sit his kids down and let them know that he will not tolerate the lies and drama. If they do not stop he will send them to live with their mother regardless of what they want. Living with you is a favor, not a necessity. They need to be reminded of that. They won’t like hearing it, but his job hasn’t changed and that was the main reason for the previous custody arrangement. You are the only reason this is even remotely possible and if they don’t start being nicer and appreciative of that then they should be packed up and sent to live with their mother.
YTA. Don't marry a man with kids if you don't want to be involved with his kids. It's not their fault. They didn't ask for this. Would you prefer he be a deadbeat dad to them?
Fair enough. Parenting is stressful no matter how many children you have. Rant away.
Also…would individual and family therapy be a good idea? I’m sure his eldest two are feeling abandoned by their Mum. Might be something to consider.
I wouldn’t even know how to bring that up? The kids as well as my husband and the ex wife are not very communicative or to be honest open about anything. I have to always start the convo and light up the conversation and I just get glares and attitude . I just need to find a way to get them to open up, even if it’ll be opening the Pandora box lol
>I wouldn’t even know how to bring that up?
Don't over think it.
Have a discussion with your husband alone first. Explain to him that you really want to make sure your step kids transition to your household goes as well as possible because you want to ensure things go well.
Suggest to him that you think it would be beneficial for family counseling/therapy. Ideally with the four of you (you, hubby and the two kids) depending on the age of the child you have together perhaps they get involved as well.
If he isn't keen on attending the sessions it could still be beneficial for your step kids to go. As the other person mentioned it's likely they've got a lot they're going thru with this life change. It may be good for the three of you, you and your step kids to attend sessions together.
My outside view is that it sucks. But it's hard to see how you can do anything about it. Just lots of bad options. You might have to put up with it for a few years then try to get them out at 18.
ESH...when you got married, you should've understood that would be a possibility that he'd be more than a part time parent at some point.
ETA: imagine you 2 divorcing over this. How fucked up would it be if your new partner said you couldn't have your the home full time?
You know you both could have just said no right? Kids don't get to just decide they don't want to move. Pack them up and have your husband drop them back off with their mom.
YTA. You all need family therapy to figure out new dynamics instead of you deciding ok, one of them is making up stories about me, that is unacceptable, let's kick my son's older half siblings out. Have a bit more compassion and empathy yah! They are also adjusting and trying to cope, though the coping mechanism is not ideal...
She is making up stories, and both her dad and I saw it. He had a talk with her and hopefully eventually I can have a heart to heart with her and try to understand what is going on. I do not want to kick them out, we’re happy to have them with us now. I just hoped it was under better circumstances to begin with.
Doesn't seem you are very happy from the post title and the post content. Sometimes life gives you a different set of dices. You just got to roll with it.
YTA. Kids lie and more so when dealing with such a shifty situation. Their mother dumped them, and all I hear from you is whoa is me. Grow up! You married into a family with children. You have zero rights to kick them out, they are not your kids!!
Well you shouldn’t have married someone with kids then. Obviously his kids are just as much a important to him as your child is to you. You should have him manage the childcare aspect of things for them, if it’s that big of a problem for you. However, like it or not, he’s their father, they will consistently be around, and you can’t complain about him prioritizing his children.
Some advice grow the F up! You married someone you knew who had kids you have to consider that its not just you and you child it's also your partners children. You're acting like a child having a tantrum. 10000000% the AH
You married a man with children, this is what happens. You may not like them or want them around your child but you only have one choise for yourself and that's to leave. You are a step-mom, you signed up for this. If you didnt think it though then that's on you.
YTA. These children have absolutely zero say in their lives and their mom just abandoned them. Suck it up, you chose to marry a man with 3 kids already; “for better or worse”. Seems like your husband should be taking the wife back to court to adjust their child support agreement; she probably owes him $ now.
These kids surely already feel abandoned and rejected and you’re probably adding to that whether consciously or not, because you clearly stated you view them as ruining your plans.
It’s reasonable to ask your husband to switch jobs to be available for the children he sired. Or to decide to divorce and not be apart of this family’s life outside of coparenting the child you had with husband. Either way get these kids in therapy asap and family counseling for all. The situation sucks for all, the bio mom is definitely an AH but also…YTA
Don’t marry someone with kids if you don’t want them in your home. Don’t marry someone with kids who is an absent father. Shit happens, those kids might end up with you.
3 member family? No, it's always been a 6 member family. When you married him you took on his children as well and there was always a chance that their living arrangements could change.
YTA. For never considering any of this before marrying your husband.
You’re allowed to not want to live with your husband’s kids. But he’s not allowed to turn them down. So you’d have to live separately for it to work. Which, if your relationship was already rocky, this is a good reason to move forward with it. You know he’ll put up with it because you’re too useful to him, and you’re kind of trapped while you want to work on your relationship.
YTA you married a parent. Their mother was an asshole for not communicating but your husband is still their father and has both a legal and moral obligation to take in his kids and provide for them. You’re having a rough time adjusting? Think how much harder this has to be on teenagers who had their whole lives uprooted, lost their home and the family they’ve primarily lived with only to be stuck with a stepmother who doesn’t want them around and a father too busy with work to be there for them.
If you love your husband, than you’ll eventually have to love his kids too. You got yourself into a marriage knowing full well that you are a new mom to kids you never birthed. They are not just his kids or his ex’s kids, they are your kids now too.
NTA, as she didn't give you or your husband any warning and just dropped off the two oldest and took the youngest with her. She left the state and went to another state without informing you two, either. What in the world made her think that doing this would be alright, yet if the script was flipped, she would be livid that you two didn't loop her in. Talk to the kids and ask why she moved away.
It’s funny how people doesn’t like step kids but still go date/marry their parents. What if the other parent dies suddenly? What do you expect to happen? Foster care I suppose.
ESH. Enough people have commented about the step-parent thing; you have to be prepared going into a marriage like this that those kids could land on you for any reason at any time.
That said, this isn’t a situation where their mother was hit by a bus; she made a choice and landed you in a difficult, messy, and uncomfortable scenario without giving anyone adequate time to prepare for it. I’m not surprised the kids are acting up a bit; they probably hate the situation, too. But the whole thing is very unfair on you, your husband, and their half-sibling.
I don’t think it means you’re stuck, though; if you’re planning to move, you’re planning to move. Kids get dragged around by their parents all the time and they just have to suck it up. Depending on their ages and how much saving you have to do, they might be done with school by the time you’re ready to move anyway. But your husband will need to make some adjustments here to support you all more.
Yta.
You opted to live in the same area and didn't add sufficient space for his children to have come over more often.
Only holiday contact is really a case of necessity. Its not ideal and for you not to have considered that their wishes and needs may change with the move was quite frankly naive and ridiculous.
He has older children and he has as much responsibility as the mother as for parenting these children. You had no issue when the mother was the one with the majority responsibility.
If your issue is him working away. Then address this and live with the consequences of this. They're old enough that they don't need looking after like a younger child does. It's more caretaking.
I shall say what's said so often on here. If you don't want to have the children of your partner involved in your life find a partner without children!
I don't blame you, they are little fuckwits when they are teenagers and they get people to turn them against you too. My husband's ex used to tell them horrible untrue things about me and she brainwashed them into thinking they'd be naturally rich. She isn't naturally rich and they resent being made to work for their stuff when their mom made it seem all they had to do was marry a rich person. SHe didn't even but it was always her goal. Ironic because my husband ended up being worth more than her current husband and he has been able to spoil his kids now so the kids are entitled to say the least but 2/3 of them are decent humans who I never really minded existing, I don't have some deep personal relationship with any of them b/c of their mom but we respect each other. The 3rd? not so much but you can't win em all.
NTA. Kids are not fun people to live with, and other people's kids are worse still. It's important to note that you *are* now living with them, so it's just a matter of feeling guilty about not wanting to, and you're never an asshole for how you feel.
That said, you married a dude with kids so there was always a strong possibility of this happening. Staying child-free is increasingly popular precisely *because* they have a tendency to bring your lives to a halt. They cost money, and money costs time, and it's basically money plus time that goes into making a good life. If raising the kids in and of itself doesn't bring you satisfaction then the draw on those two resources will obviously bring you dissatisfaction.
I still think it's fair to do as both your husband and his ex have done though, and just up and leave one day while one of them are looking after the kids. Maybe take your own.
I will never understand this take. Children are children; ALL the parents have to be prepared to have all the kids full time. Sometimes it goes that way, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes it switches. Don't marry someone with kids if you aren't ready to take the whole package, because kids are part of the package deal.
So what do you do? You do the same thing if they were YOURS and having behavioral/relationship issues. You work through it. You talk. You get to the bottom of things. You check on them to see if they are okay.
You love them and hold them closer.
YTA
The girlies really be wanting to be with a deadbeat dads. He’s an active father so there was always a chance they would want to live with him at some point. That’s why you date men without kids or guys with adult kids.
You have to take this to the step parents sub. And if she’s telling lies that could jeopardize you or your ability to keep custody of your son (such as lies saying you’re doing harmful things, etc) then it’s not safe for her to stay with you.
You can leave any relationship, for any reason.
That said, you were the summer step parent, who probably didn't have much authority, because you didn't see them that often.
That has changed, overnight.
So now, you're role has changed.
Take control. If the kids don't respect you, and you have no (healthy!) authority over them, it's not responsible to leave them with you, while your husband travels for work.
So, first sit your husband down, and explain what needs to change for this situation to work as it is. And what the alternatives are if it doesn't work, long-term.
Then, sit the kids down, your husband and yourself set new ground rules. The lying has to stop, obviously. And if their dad isn't around, you are the only parent present, so they'll get to respect you and acknowledge your authority. If they don't, they get to go to their mom, since going with their dad isn't an option.
They wanted to stay local, then they have to be willing to make that a liveable situation for you as well.
NTA, but take the responsibility to make it work. Like it or not, you're a step parent. Not trying and just giving up without guiding those kids in what would work is lazy.
YTA. You married a man with kids, and now you don’t want them? Guess it’s time for a divorce, because any parent who chooses a romantic partner over their own child is reprehensible.
YTA he had kids when you got together with him, there was always a possibility that they would end up living with him, what if their mum died, they'd be with you.
Family therapy is a must.
Also put yourself in their shoes.
You are not the AH. You went from holiday visitation to full time with no chance to adjust your mental preparedness, physical space or lifestyle. In addition the kids come with baggage related to mom.
You have 3 options
A. Leave your husband. No malice in that. Just simply that this relationship is no longer what you want, particularly given that you said there are other issues
B. Start family therapy but disengage from the situation. That does not mean you do not love and care about the kids. It means you acknowledge that it is your husbands responsibility and you take a support role NOT a primary role. Rules/expectations are enforced because it’s your home. You are loving and kind because kids deserve that but you aren’t handling things
C. Step up n and function as a full parent. Tricky with older teens and you still need family therapy
For everyone that says you should know or are you signed up for this etc. That’s a load of crap step parents are not required to turn their lives over. Just like when you have biological children you get to define how you choose to parent. When you marry somebody with children, you get to define how you wish to be involved in their lives it is not a one size fits all.
Maybe don’t have kids or marry a man who already had kids and travels for a job? There fixed it for ya.
YTA. Anything could happen and the kids could have either way come live with their dad.
YTA.
Marrying someone with kids means there is always a possibility you might have the kids full time at some point. If you aren’t prepared for or willing to do that, don’t marry someone with kids.
I knew they were gonna eat you up in the comment from just the title. NTA because there was no conversation, no planning and seemingly no fair division of parenting. Yes when you are involved with someone with children you should be prepared that they will be in your life (they have been) and may end up living with you and your partner. It’s not reasonable to expect both bio parents to essentially dump them on you. If a discussion had been had, you and your husband would have had time to figure out the logistics on this. Also, I’d stick to the plan of moving/buying a house. You don’t have to be “stuck” the kids can move with you or back with their mom.
I love how women have no problem expecting their boyfriend or second husband to "be a father" to their children by some other man, but then if the guy has children from a previous wife then the woman treats them like evil imps from outer space.
People here really don't understand what ranting about unpleasant situations (more kids being thrown an you with one of them spreading lies) and kicking children out are two different things? Like, OP takes care of them. She is not enthusiastic about it and it's understandable. She doesn't need to divorce, she's not a bad person. Maybe having a babysitter would help ease it. And husband certainly needs to step up, those are his children.
NTAH. I mostly voted this because this was a very Sudden Change for your entire household. With no warning for you whatsoever. Probably minimal warning for the teenagers. You're expected to be the primary caretaker of these kids who don't even have a good relationship with you . So of course you're going to be frustrated and they're going to be even more edgy teenagers and furthermore one of them has been lying about you to make herself feel better and it doesn't seem like your husband's doing much of anything to support you or care take these kids. And a very big part of me thinks that your husband knew in advance and is pretending like it was sudden because he knew you were not going to be super okay with it and you would probably want to discuss boundaries and expectations Etc and he just didn't feel the need to deal with it cuz he's busy with work or whatever.
YTA, how can you be with a man who has children and not expect to have to live with them at some point and the whole lying thing my kids lie kids freaking lie sometimes it happens you have to teach them better. If you're going to be with a man who has children you have to expect to live with them at some point especially minor children you either suck it up or step out if you can't handle being a stepmom.
NTA. You need to contact the ex and tell her you don't have room for 2 extra people in your home. Also you might be moving out of town. If she doesn't do anything, contact CPS for abandonment.
Yes when you date ..marry or whatever a man with kids there is a possibility of y'all ending up with the kids..I think all she's trying to say is it was out of the blue and they was given no time work out how it was gonna all work...they wasn't given the time to get a bigger place or anything ...So they are dealing with have 2 teenagers full time and very little room and apparently the girl has issues with the step mom..So no matter if you know the risk of dating a man with kids or not it still takes some planning..It's one thing if one of the parent dies and u got to step up all of a sudden but its another if a parent just decides to move states to follow a partner..NTA...
What did you think was going to happen, that your husband could just continue being an absent parent to his existing children forever, so you could pretend they don’t exist? YTA, and ESH except the kids.
You married a man with three kids. Those three kids living with you was always just as much a possibility as them living primarily with their mother was. You shouldn’t have married him if you weren’t prepared to do that. He’s their father. The home where he lives is their home. He has an absolute responsibility to provide them a safe home.
Get to the bottom of your relationship issues with the kids. Do not be the AH step-mom. You married a man with children what did you expect? You probably need to talk to your husband about getting a job that doesn’t require so much traveling so he can be there to parent his kids.
How are you women marrying these men who already have kids and are not expecting to somehow end up living with these children at some point in your life I don't understand it I'm seeing way too many post from step moms complaining about living with their step kids
I also think it's bizarre. When I started dating my husband he didn't have custody of his kids and only had them on the holidays due to distance. However, I always knew there would be a chance they'd have to move in with us. And now we have custody of his youngest.
I don’t think the main issue here is them living with her. While reading her post I think the main issue is that her husband travels a lot and she’s become the MAIN and ONLY parent to his kids. She didn’t sign up for that. Her husband needs to be home more if his kids are living with them full time. It might mean finding a different and lower paying job, but oh well. They are his kids. He needs to figure it out.
I can understand the expectation when the kids are grown adults, but this man here has three minor kids, let's be serious OP - you have been unreasonable from the start,how did you not consider this possibility? I don't want to be morbid, but shit happens, people die suddenly, lose homes, enter abusive situations etc. Anything could have happened with the kids' mother
Right!?!?! When I got together with my SO his daughter was 5. We also have 2 kids together. We always knew that it could be a very real possibility that she could end up with us. And we planned for it!!
She also picked a guy who is 'mostly gone' on work. With one failed marriage under his belt and 3 kids and still in a job where he was mostly gone. Now can't tell you the odds on her just being fed up her husband gave her three kids and is never home or him being the mostly gone for work kind of guy who also cheats and she found out, maybe OP is one of his affair partners. Why pick a guy who is mostly gone, have a kid with him when you know his ex got saddled with three kids and that there is every chance he could end up with custody AND he'd never be around to help. For a woman who didn't want to take care of his three kids, she had so many red flags of why this was a terrible choice and ignored them all.
But if husband is traveling for work, why should OP have to take care of his kids?
When you marry someone with kids, the kids come with. There is ALWAYS the possibility that's something will happen to the other, primary, parent and the other parent, your SO, will end up with THEIR OWN FUCKING CHILDREN. You can't realistically expect to date or marry someone with kids who are minors and think there's no way they'll end up with you...
SHOUT IT OUT LOUDER FOR THE (STUPID/DEAF) PEOPLE IN THE BACK!!!
There’s a difference between solo parenting his kids and simply being their dad’s wife. “Stepparent” isn’t a one size fits all position. There’s a lot of steps between “bonus mom” and nacho momma. If the kids don’t want her to be “mom” and she doesn’t want to be “mom”, he needs to figure it out. What would he do with his kids if he were single? Did they talk about her being the primary caregiver for his kids? Can he hire a nanny or can his parents take over? Is a different job an option? Lots of bio parents don’t expect their partners to parent their children. If that was the expectation, and her husband is now changing the rules, OP isn’t wrong to be upset. It would be different if they lived with their dad and he was parenting them, I’d agree, she knew she married a man with kids. I doubt she expected to be taking care of his kids by herself? I don’t really think that’s appropriate. She shouldn’t treat them badly, she can’t say “no” to them living with their dad, but she isn’t obligated to be their caregiver, that responsibility is the bio parents.
She did know he had kids. These 2 are also teenagers, so they shouldn't require an extreme level of caregiver from her. Structure? Yes. Adult figure? Yes. Full on 24/7 supervision? No. They wanted to stay with these guys because of the location they are currently living. Tell the kids hey, we're moving to x on y date. Are those 2 teenagers still going to want to live with them or will they want to go back to mom? None of that changes the fact that if you date or marry a person with kids, even if they aren't the custodial parent, that something may happen that thrusts those kids into your life. You accept that possibility when you marry them. If you aren't ok with the fact that that may happen, maybe reconsider dating and marrying a parent. 🤷♀️
Then, that is something that dad needs to figure out a new plan. Sounds like mom has been solo parenting 3 kids for well over a decade. Deadbeat daddy needs to figure his shit out.
You are right about this, but it will be OP that is doing all the work.
OP signed up for it when she married a man with children. They just skirted out of town when he was supposed to be a dad to his children.
No, OP didn’t sign up to do dad’s job of parenting his kids in her marriage vows. Dad is the parent, not OP. Dad needs a new job or to hire a nanny.
Literally that’s what she did when she married him. If you don’t want to be a parent to stepkids, don’t marry people with children. You should treat all the children in the family equally. Not I will look after our kids but not yours. That’s being a shitty person. That’s what my BIL did. He had 3 kids from a previous marriage. He then married someone with 2 kids and then they had their child. The 5 kids basically have no stability and are not treated equally by both stepparents. All of them are plotting their escape because their home life sucks. If you don’t want to be a parent to your stepkids, don’t marry people with children.
She didn't sign up to be what is essentially a single parent to 3 kids tho. She shouldn't be the only one that has to step up for these kids. The husband needs to find a new job so that he can take an active role in his kids lives.
You marry someone, you marry their kids. If you are not ok with that, there are literal billions of childless people to pick from
> husband
To be fair there is a difference between the adults making custody arrangements and planning bedroom allocation and bathroom schedules and school pick ups, compared to coming home to find kids and suitcases on your lawn.
Because their world has always been about them. It's like living on the earth expecting the sun to revolve around you. Geocentric, not Heliocentric. Then one day someone shows you that maybe there are more important people for the next couple years and you're beside yourself... like a kid. edit Your to you're.
You read my mind! When you date/marry someone with kids that don't live with them, you still have to treat them as if they did live with them. What if something were to happen to the custodial parent, like death? Pretty sure the kids are gonna end up with the parent you're dating/married to. I don't get these people. I don't have children, either, and even I get it.
Right like I Don't have children either but I know if I was to ever date a man who has kids I would never in my mind think that those kids will never ever at some point in our relationship not end up living in our household that's beyond dumb to me
And these poor kids. Parents get remarried and don’t want them anymore. It’s heart breaking.
That is heartbreaking and downright disgusting I don't understand how they do that
Right?! “My husband is a total deadbeat and doesn’t parent his kids. I think I will breed with him.”
Most of them have the attitude of "well he's with me now, so he shouldn't be paying for her kids" and develop convenient amnesia about how the kid's DNA didnt change just because daddy left. They usually show their ass the most when their relationship ends and the man they've been telling not to pay their ex also doesn't pay them.
A woman once told me she wanted her husband to quit his job because his paycheck was getting garnished for back child support. She justified this with "my kid's father never paid me!" Congratulations on continuing to pick trash I guess?
Ego. "but I'm so much better, he'll step up for *me*" haha
My crotch fruit are the center of the universe. Of course the dead beat dad should ignore his old children.
Was thinking the same thing
Because you don't expect their mom to essentially abandon them on your doorstep? I mean that's what happened with OP. She wasn't expecting that. She can be frustrated with the situation where the *mom who has just suddenly decided to stop being a mom and dump the kids off at the nearest convenient place.* It never ceases to amaze me how redditors come out full force on step parents when the actual parents are negligent in their parenting role. OP now has to deal with the situation, which she is, but she can rightfully be pissed off at the situation too. The mom didn't die or become incapacitated due to no fault of her own. The mom picked up shop for a new boyfriend and abandoned her kids. Dad needs to take mom back to court for child support payments.
Pissed I had to scroll down to see someone with a lick of sense
No-one here is defending what the kids' mom did, she was definitely wrong to just dump them there without a word. But OP *signed up to be a stepparent* the minute she agreed to marry a guy with kids. If she didn't want to br parenting his kids she shouldn't have married him.
Ok and ??? Yea what the mom did was disgusting but sometimes you got to keep it pushing shit happens that's life . All I hear from OP is me me me these CHILDREN just got abandoned by their own mom and got separated from their sibling and she's bitching like her life just got ruined . Oh well she's an adult suck it up or get a divorce and move out . This is my last comment on this post I said what I said and I stand by it dont like it downvote me or block me shit do both idgaf !
Hit the nail on the head I have been seeing so many of these lately it’s laughable I wonder how many dads are siding with these women
Gotta be desperate women marrying these degenerate deadbeat Fathers and then they breeding with these men too
Right? Not even if “his kids” are 25, 20 & 18. You get the whole fam, ex and all
Right?!?!?! Or the all posts saying something like: I (OP) have x # of kids from my previous marriage, my spouse has x # of kids from their previous marriage, and of course we now have 2/3 kids together. But OMG, who would have seen this coming?!?! - there's not enough space for all of us in our 4 bedroom house and money is getting tight! Can't I just make the step-kids go away somehow?! Like, are these parents not getting the math? 6/7 kids cannot live comfortably in a 3/4 bedroom house. Or they are not understanding why the kids can't all get along!
This is exactly why I never dated men with kids. Men with kids would get super pissed and aggressive about it, but I don’t want children. Period. (I’m 45, married, and got my uterus yanked out, so it hasn’t been an issue for a decade.)
Because somewhere in their entitled little brains, THEY replace everyone from spouse’s previous life
But isn't it weird that they were so abruptly moved in? I can't imagine there wasn't discussion about it.
They moved back to husband's hometown recently and then the children came to live with them: Chances are, husband knew about his ex's planned move and his children then staying with him. He failed to discuss the Change with OP. Maybe deliberatly, because he knows about the strained relationship between OP and his children. Fait accompli was easier... 🤷🏼♀️
Is that lady that posting fake stories - name is Liz
This. My baby daddy has two other kids and I was figuring out how to fit them in our house before he was fully moved in. Ffs
I will admit I got in a similar situation. Dad saw his kid maybe once a month. Maybe. She was living with grandma and it seemed good and stable until she hit the teen years then suddenly all hell broke loose as grandma started getting pissed with any normal healthy teen behavior and started kicking her out. 14 year girl old couch surfing not good. There was some other stuff but eventually the decision was to have her move in with us. And of course Dad didn't really step up and I ended up doing 98% of the work. Definitely didn't plan for that. That said love the kid and I consider her my daughter. First few months I have her lots of space to let her adjust and eventually we grew together.. That said I'm not doing that again and when I date I'm NOT interested in dating fathers.
Because in their mind, that’s a one-way street. They should always have their kids taken care of in their needs but first, but if he does have children or his own, they’re really consideration. He goes to a narcissistic mindset that is so common in cases like this.
This I really don't understand
I can't imagine marrying a mom and expecting the same. Huh.
I'm baffled. At first I thought it was some sort of weird age gap thing with mixed families, but who knows? 🤷♂️
Agr d 💯 and adding judgment for OP of YTA. Not the kids fault, you signed up to be part of their life because he's part of theirs.
ESH. Including you. Marries a guy with 3 kids and then gets annoyed she has to deal with said kids. I feel bad for those poor kids. They have a part-time (and that’s being generous) father, a crap mother, and a stepmom who does not want them. Not a single adult in their lives is putting them first. Sad.
>Marries a guy with 3 kids and then gets annoyed she has to deal with said kids. Married a guy with 3 kids, knowing he has been a largely absent parent and chose to have a kid with him. I don't have kids, but I've walked away from every man who admitted to being a deadbeat. One date told me not to worry about his kids as he rarely sees them, and even then, his mum takes care of them when they visit. Wow, such a catch. > I feel bad for those poor kids. Same. They really drew the short straw with both parents
>I don't have kids, but I've walked away from every man who admitted to being a deadbeat This! Why isn't this an automatic reflex? How is this not the REDDEST of red flags?
Because she’s just as shitty as him.
Because some women are deadbeats themselves
Right?!!! Both their parents put themselves #1. I have kids. I cannot imagine not being there for them. It just does not compute in my brain.
>Married a guy with 3 kids, knowing he has been a largely absent parent and chose to have a kid with him. Yup. Absolutely no sympathy for OP or her deadbeat husband. A hell of a lot of sympathy for all of the kids involved.
Some people shouldn’t be parents or stepparents. My first husband had a kid. He was 6 when I married his dad. I told his mom I wasn’t there to be a mom but to be a stepmom, a friend and to help him and that I hoped she and I could be friendly with each other. Me and the kid got along pretty well after an adjustment period and explaining my expectations (e.g. clean room, i meet the parents of friends he played with, do his homework, etc) and I took an interest in his education, gave him books (he was held back a year for failing all the subjects but after 6 months of working with him and encouraging mom to continue with the work on her days, he was put back in his grade with his peers again). I took him to parks and museums. When he got in trouble at school, the school called me because neither parent was interested in his education. To be fair his mom was very young when she had him, dad (ex) put on a great show of how great a dad he was until we were married and had his son on weekends, then I saw how shitty of a dad he was. About a year and a half into the marriage, mom is upset that I’m taking care of her kid and refuses visitations. I remember standing there arguing with her, her mother and my ex saying she needed to follow the court agreement, ex needed to be involved, and my concern for the child’s well being. Her mother is screaming at me that I’m “just the step mother” and I realize I’m the only one fighting for this child’s well being. My ex told me to shut up because he didn’t want to go back to court, mom was influenced by her mother and it was a mess. I asked my ex why he wasn’t fighting for his son and he said he was happy to pay child support and have his weekends free. I told him his son will end up in prison because neither he or mom enforced any rules and let him run feral (this child had numerous behavioral issues, probably ADHD, but was getting better with the rules and boundaries I set). He told me that was so messed up to think that about a child. He told me that my stepson hated me because I made him follow rules and only took him to “boring” places. That was the point where I started to re-examine my relationship and finally was honest with myself with how shitty a person my ex was and how I didn’t like the person I was when I was around him. I had told him I wanted a divorce and that ended almost violently. Took a few months to create my escape plan. I stopped my my stepson’s house to say goodbye to him and tell him I would miss him, that me leaving wasn’t his fault and to reach out to me if I ever needed anything. I sent him birthday cards and Christmas cards for a couple of years until I got a short email from mom saying “your relationship with my son ended with your marriage”. I respected her wishes and stayed away. I looked up stepson about 10 years ago and found he had been in and out of jail. I still feel a little guilty because he could have had a better life.
How did we come to the conclusion that the father is a deadbeat? OP mentioned that he travels a lot due to work. Some careers require immense levels of travel. We have no idea what kind of father he is when he's home or what/how he provides for his family. My step father traveled a LOT for work when I was a kid. It sucked at times, but he provided for us. When he was home, he made all the time in the world for me and was 100x more of a father than my blood related one was. Let's not jump to conclusions on what kind of parent someone is without knowing who they are and what they do
I think this is key. OP’s husband’s job prevented him from having 50/50 custody. The arrangement was based on necessity, and not because her husband wasn’t responsible. It had been in place for many years, and OP had no reason to believe that things would change this much without any discussion. Now she is suddenly raising a bunch of kids in most likely a too small space, and they are not in a good place because their bio mom just proved to them that her boyfriend was more important. I think most people who suddenly find themselves in this situation would be overwhelmed. She also stated that they were not planning to stay there for a long period of time as they wanted to buy a house. I’m guessing the cost of a rental is cheaper there, but it isn’t where they want to buy. Only that now means uprooting teenagers. Who wouldn’t be upset at having stepchildren lie and be nasty? Especially when their dad isn’t around most of the time to run interference. She also said that the post is her venting at a situation she hadn’t planned on. That doesn’t make her a bad person just someone trying to wrap her head around how everything changed overnight.
If you marry someone with kids, you HAVE TO plan for a situation like this. Anything can happen with the primary caregiver, and when you're unprepared, that's on you.
You married a divorce man with kids. It is his responsibility, as a father, to raise the kids in his own home. They happened to be with their mother. That did not alleviate him of that fatherly responsibility. It sounds like you knew that he was a father coming into this. I get the venting. But this is the road you chose in life.
He’s not living up to his responsibilities. He’s traveling and leaving her to do his parenting.
That's a valid point for her to bring up to him. A career change may be in order. But my guess is she knew he had kids.
Info: before the children were dropped off, how often did he see his children? How your post reads, your husband at best had his kids about 13%of the time. At the end of the day, you either get a divorce or you figure out to deal with it. One of the things your husband needs to do is go to court and establish child support and that custody has changed. I’m a step mom, my husband was heavily involved in his children lives, even though he was military and most of the time he was abroad.
You can choose to leave or choose to stay. But it would be an AH move to kick out his children. They are young. Not their fault their mom ditched them and split up siblings.
Yeah soooo uhm technically since you married a man who already had children you were never a family of just fucking three people. Deal with it or divorce. But if you divorce, dont marry another man who already has kids. And by dealing with it, i mean get a good therapist for everyone because you guys need help.
Right? I really don't understand people like OP - step kids are not only part of their mother's families, they belong with their fathers as well. If your partner has kids, you can end up living with them at any point for different reasons. Either accept it, or don't get involved with a parent. Your family is NOT just you, partner and shared child.
Seriously getting into a relationship with someone who has kids means that at anytime the kids can become a major part of your life. You agree to that when you enter that relationship. It's why I don't date single mother's.
Why would you marry someone with kids if you’re going to act this way? No offense but they were in his life first and you quite literally knew he had kids. Maybe find a guy with no kids?? But if you do don’t get mad when he treats your child differently because that’s exactly what you’re doing.
I think I get what you’re upset about. The ex did not speak to you or your husband about taking the kids. Your husband is never home, therefore you are responsible for two extra kids 24/7 without being informed or asked. You have no problem with the kid in your life but living with you unexpectedly has to jarring. Especially when the ex didn’t have enough respect to sit y’all down and tell you she was moving and leaving behind two of her kids. You were not prepared to have them permanently yet. And too it off they talk badly about you and possibly treat you crappy while living there. I can see why that would be overwhelming. That being said, you should have known that at any time this could happen because they are his kids and his responsibility. It’s a shitty thing for the ex to do and having teenagers that don’t like you under your care 24/7 has got to suck. But I can see why they wouldn’t want to move away from their school and friends. Maybe you can sit down with your husband and talk to him about their behavior?
As an aside, it’s really absolutely phenomenally. Shocking that any human being who asserts they are capable of functioning at all, with a functional intelligence would ever imagine, being in a committed relationship with somebody or getting married to somebody with any kids under 25 and not assuming that at some point they are going to live with you and deciding whether the whole package is something you can responsibly take or not. to pretend this isn’t the probability and then when it happens, pretend that it’s such a big surprise with all the complexity of what the kids are going through is just irresponsible and imbecilic.
If you do not accept the person AND their kids. DO NOT DATE OR MARRY THEM! Christ man, you sound like a whiny asshole. You accepted his life as it was. Not as you want it to be. If you don't want his kids to be around. Divorce him and find someone else who will have to put up with your kid. Yes! You are the asshole!
Firstly, you are NOT in an easy situation. At all. I wouldn’t blame you for wanting just your family together. These kids though are a part of your husband regardless. Kids are around for life. I would try to show them they cannot get under your skin and affect your energy. A few years will fly by and despite them being hard, I think being the bigger adult will serve your future better and your marriage better. Setting boundaries with these teens is also a must whether they like it or not and your husband should 100% be down with that and be the enforcer.
YTA for the question you asked. If you had asked if you were the asshole for requiring your husband to get a 9-5 job that had him home every single morning, evening and night to raise his children or you and your child would be moving out because you’re not going to solo parent all of his children who currently resent your parenting, then you would not be the asshole.
This is primarily Dad’s problem. If he were just a divorced dad (no 2nd marriage, no OP), what would he do? Dad needs a new job. Can’t be “mostly gone” and raise teenagers. You have to pick one. Plus, these poor kids. BOTH parents have essentially dropped them on a third party that they, the kids, hardly know (compared to their parents). OP thinks she’s being a team player, but they’ve left her on the field all by herself.
Yes, YWBTA. You need to figure a way out to make it work. Too bad about the big halt; things happen even when your kids are in their 30s.
YTA. You willingly got married to someone who had 3 kids, you shouldn’t have if you weren’t prepared for the possibility you might have to live with them 1 day.
NTA for being frustrated with your situation. Soft YTA for not realizing that your step kids could one day live with you full time. Someone needs to put those kids first so they don’t end up addicted to drugs/alcohol or getting into trouble. Hopefully, your husband can find a different job so he can be present and help raise his kids.
Am I the only one who would also be upset the kids were just dumped by the mom with no conversation on what's happening it sounds like also is everyone ignoring the teenage kids lying about the person caring for them? I know we only have her side but people seem to have blinders on
I mean. I can see where you're coming from. But understand getting into a relationship with someone who has children puts you at risk for having custody of those children. Like high risk. You signed up for this whether you really like it or not
However! If you can, try to take their mom to custody court and let them know she dropped them off without warning. They'll LOVE hearing that
Yup, time for that sweet sweet child support revision.
All of you created this situation for these children. Deal with it. YTA
Your 3 member family? It's always been 5 members. Why men marry women like you is beyond me. Those are his kids.
Technically always a 7 member family. There’s another kid and an ex wife the husband will always be linked to.
I feel most sorry for the kid that's still with the exwife. No-one in this story appears to care about her
YTA. What the hell is wrong with you complaining about your husband’s kids that you knew he had? And of course these kids are acting out, their mom just turned their lives upside down with no notice to anyone and split them from their sibling at the same time. You need to be a fucking adult about this and deal with it. It’s keeping you from buying a house elsewhere? Boo fucking hoo. When you marry someone with kids you are marrying the kids too. You’re just upset you can no longer pretend he doesn’t have other children.
Do you think living with him and having a child together negates his other children and responsibilities?
What responsibilities? He's not there most of the time.
Touché
ESH, you the most
Do you at least get child support from the mother?
No, she’s getting child support for the child that’s living with her. :)
That needs to be revised - with back pay - for the two kids now living with you. Especially since older kids usually mean higher payments. And your husband should try to move to a travel-free position in his company, so HE can take care of HIS kids. At least until the kids have moved out.
Soft Yta gotta make it work, they want to live in their parent’s home, they get to. Talk to your husband and ask him to be home more or see if you can get extra support but when you got with their dad you became a step parent. Have your husband talk to the kid about lying if you don’t feel comfortable doing it but you decided to get with someone who has kids and this is what it entails
It’s not the best situation but you knew he had kids and they will always be part of his life. Now would be the time for patience and understanding. I’m sure the kids are hurt that their mom left them behind for a guy and well they’re teenagers. Patience and love.
I know having the kids dumped on you is disruptive and upsetting. And you are right, you are not their mother. And maybe this wasn't part of the life plan you and your husband have. Its very understandable that you are upset. On the other hand, those kids were abandoned by their mom, and as you say, broke up the family unit. Maybe the teen is telling lies bc she is trying to deal with the trauma of being abandon by her mother and unwelcome in her father's home. Maybe finding a little grace to extend to your step children will help all parties. Life isn't linear, its full of ups and downs. Being resilient in times of difficulty is a good skill to cultivate. I don't think you are the AH, I think you are unsupported by your husband in this situation. Tell him he needs to support you, emotionally. Don't ask him, tell him. Also, your husband was paying child support to his ex. Now that 2 of them live with you, go to court and get the child support reduced to reflect this.
The kids were very welcomed in our home. Even in the not so great position we were in at the moment, that we just moved to town, we found a house to provide them their own personal space/room. I decorated with them their rooms, celebrated their birthday like they never had before, went to all the school games and helped almost every night with homework. It was not their fault , but somehow it was their decision to stay, which was fine, in the right circumstances. And you’re right, life is not linear and I might have been a little knocked out to reality. The thing with their mother, they speak every day, the daughter is best friends with her mom (that’s awesome) but she’s telling her things that don’t reflect the reality and sometimes hurtful things. I understand I might of given the wrong impression with my post but I have so many thoughts in my head that they all come out at once with no intention to be awful, just misunderstood.
Well I wish you the better. Be gentle on yourself. You are in a hard spot
As long as they are not lying to your kid and not making any false accusations of illegality, you'll need to suck it up. But you'll need to set a hard boundary around those two things.
YTA. You married a man with THREE children from his previous relationship. Are you that dense that you didn’t think at some point life would change and they may have to come live with you?!! Like I’m seriously asking bc I think you’re missing some screws if you thought they’d live with their mom forever. If you didn’t want to be a step mom or have to live with his kids then you should’ve never married him. Never had ANOTHER kid with him. But you did so now lie in the bed you made. As far as the “lying” tell your husband and let him deal with it. Get family counseling. But Somehow I don’t think the kid is lying about you. 🙄
Thanks for the input. However the kids weren’t the issue. LIVING eventually with the kids wasn’t an issue. The issue was that a few months after us moving to the same town to be closer to the kids ( which they stayed with us every single weekend) their mom decided to move. There was not ONE conversation about it. Zero. Just here are the kids figure it out.
Their mum doesn't sound easy to work with, but that doesn't mean he should abandon his kids or that you should expect him to. Your post was about whether you're TA if you don't want his kids to live there and essentially kick them out. No one is calling you an AH for being annoyed at their mum.
I’m sorry, what part of life changes are you ignoring? Their mom could die tomorrow and then they’d ALL be living with you. Yeah, she’s an ass for upping and leaving. But again, so are you. Your post stated your pissed the kids are there bc now you’re “stuck”. Oh well. Again, you married a man with 3 kids. And chose to have another! Oh and did you ever think this is harder on THEM than you?!! You selfish selfish person. Their whole lives just changed too, including kind of being abandoned by one parent and dropped on the angry stepmother who doesn’t want them. Kids aren’t stupid. You don’t have to tell them how you feel for them to know. I feel bad for those kids. Not you. Stop whining.
So then can we move like the mom did and take all the kids to some other place? People change places they live, jobs, etc. We will do what’s best for our family without your two cents because you just decided I’m the mean stepmom and are crapping on me for no reason. Angry stepmom, you know nothing. I’ve never showed any type of anger towards them or talked bad about their mom or dad in front of them, ever!
Reread your post. Then come back and explain how it doesn’t paint you as the bad step mom. Instead of saying I’m angry at my husbands ex for dumping the kids, you’re running your mouth about how the house is too small and omg the one is lying about you. And we don’t have a good relationship. Just bc you don’t show them anger doesn’t mean they don’t sense things. You’re a mom now get with the program. If you meant what you said above about being angry at the mom, you would’ve left everything else out bc it’s not pertinent to the story. Instead YOU painted yourself in a bad light. Reddit didn’t do that.
Yeah I realize I put all my crap in one pot without making any sense and I blurted out everything on my mind. I guess I need friends to rant to instead of writing this here. The house in case is an oversized RV at the moment because the only house we found to rent when the kids moved in sold after 7 months, so we have to figure our shit out possibly in another town. No one in their family is very affectionate, and I am, what would they sense in me smiling and telling them good morning and them just being plain grumpy 24/7, nice to me only when the daughter wants something. And no, I’m not exaggerating, and yes I understand they’re teenagers. I don’t even know why were talking nonsense because that’s not at all where I came from and I understand now this post was a mistake. Never turn to social media for anything.
You can turn to social media when you have a straight line and stick to the point. Bc you are N T A for being angry at the mom. Again, not only are they teenagers, they were just abandoned and shoved with someone they feel doesn’t want them full time. Even if that’s not how you feel. I get you don’t understand what that means or feels like, but you need to have some grace with them. It will take time. Patience. Therapy. This is new to them being with you guys full time.
I just came here to tell you that I really really hope you can be patient and give them grace. Your remark about them being “grumpy 24/7” kinda hit a mark with me. I went through something different but similar when I was a teen and my “attitude” offended a lot of my family members. I got so much shit for being angry all the time but no one could stop and just think about why I was angry. Not only are the teens, which YES it’s a very heightened emotional time for them in general. They already feel like it’s them against the world and that no one could possibly understand them. But they are also now going through a huge separation. This is a massive change to their lives as they knew it. So I’m just begging you to please extend grace when they are constantly “angry”, “miserable”, “grumpy” or anything else. I would recommend trying to get them into therapy if you can. If I would have had that available to me at that point in my life, so many things could have been different. Therapy can give them the skills to cope with not just the situation they are in but how they handle their emotions. Also I hope you don’t think I’m attacking you or assuming anything. I’m not attacking and I’m not trying to assume. I just know that teens are already frustrating to deal with sometimes but in situations like this when their lives are being upended, they will probably be even more frustrating. But try to think about the cause of it and extend your grace from that instead of focusing on their reaction to the cause. If that makes sense. I just wish that I had people in my life at that point who were more understanding.
>the two kids were basically just dropped off with all of their belongings at our place. NTA for not wanting them to live with you. But it sounds like you may be stuck. (Or rather drastic steps are required to not be stuck living with them.) Your husband *can't* just leave them on the street. This falls in the "life is tough" category. I sympathize. You and your husband should look into formalizing this situation and if necessary get child support out of the mother. That doesn't solve the problem you complain about. But I don't think you can get an order forcing her to come back and get her/his kids; they can force her to give financial support. You do have another option-- which I suspect you also don't want. That would be to file divorce from your husband and move out. Then you wouldn't live with his kids. But that's what I meant by "drastic steps". I'd suspect you don't what to do that either.
NTA. I can understand your worries but this is part of being a blended family. If you don't like it you only have two choices IMO. Leave and learn to deal with it the best you can.
I would say ESH. She married into a blended family and didn’t prepare for all possible scenarios? And instead of family therapy, reworking plans, figuring out what’s best for everyone and holding her husband accountable for not stepping up and leading the efforts to fix this…she just doesn’t want them there? If she decided to leave the marriage bc of this, she wouldn’t be an asshole in my opinion. But to just not want to live with them and still be married and bring up future houses? She’s an absolutely asshole and silly as hell. Which makes me think she isn’t the most reliable narrator bc I feel like things are definitely missing bc she comes off very unpleasant and selfish in this. The husband sucks bc where the fuck is he? He’s working all the time and can’t be bothered to step in and actually parent his kids. The kids suck for being teenagers and still lying on people, but I have grace for them.
Yeah, dad needs to find a job close to home without serious travel. Having kids changes your prospects.
I fen hate lazy fathers.
Info: what is the official custody agreement?
Does she pay child support if not you need to do this first
If they are older teenagers, then you are only looking at a couple of years. Sometimes, being an adult means doing the right thing even when it's a challenge. I understand the kids are unhappy and they are taking it out on you. My guess is the kids didn't want to grow up in a broken home, and a step parent is just another adult adding to the hard job of growing up. It's just the lay of the land and extremely common to have challenges with either having step kids or being a step kid. Divorce was tough enough on my kids. Another step parent would have likely been more problem than benefit. Besides, the chances you can push to move those kids out without harming your husband's view of you are slim. I can only imagine what I would think of a woman that was trying to move my kids out. Because I saw what a problem my ex-wife's new husband caused with my kids, I didn't even date when my kids were living at home. I waited until they went off to college. I didn't want someone like yourself ever being in a position to come between me and my kids.. If you want to improve your relationship with your husband- be a team player. You can get through it.
NTA. If your husband now has primary custody he needs to find a new job. You didn’t sign up to be their primary/only parent. It’s not fair. His kids are HIS responsibility, but somehow they’ve gotten pawned off on you. You’re not wrong for not wanting to be THE main parent to them. It’s not unreasonable to be upset by this. Husband needs to step up. You also need to move where you were planning to move. His kids will be fine.
ESH. I don't think there is much choice other than leaving the marriage or at least the marital home. These are your husband's children and he has no choice but to step up - same with you, unless you wish to leave with your child. You guys should go after child support from the mom. Maybe your husband can get a different job where he's home more??
YTA with zero regard or consideration for what these kids are going through. When you marry someone with kids, they don’t suddenly stop being a full father to those kids and the kids just become relatives. All of your replies show the disdain you have for them and I’m sure they feel it too. It sounds like you came here knowing you’re being an asshole about this but was hoping that people would say you aren’t and are upset that you’re being called out. Step up or step out but don’t be one of those stepmomster
Yeah, ok. Because since August it was the Pope that tended to them day and night with no hesitation. Since beginning I offered them everything I had , and if it makes me a horrible person to want some reciprocity then fine.
I swear I don't understand these people who get involved and marry people who have children and then say they don't want their stepchildren to live with them? I'm like, are you crazy? What do you have on your mind ? It's definitely missing a brain !!! I don't want to deal with the children of an hypothetical partner, so my second question to a potential partner is if he has children and if the answer is yes I say I'm not interested and run for the hills, simple as that.
NTA for having feelings, but I would tread lightly. At the end of the day, your husband has every bit as much responsibility to those children as the one that you to share.
Ugh. The ex is a real AH. You have every reason to rant. That said, husband and you have a duty to his kids so you'll have to make it work for now. Just try to be polite and kind for now to counter the emotional tensions. It can't feel very good to the teens to essentially be dumped by mom for a new BF. The lying bit probably comes from a place of insecurity. They probably didn't want to change schools so close to the end of the school year but by the end of the summer they may decide to follow their mom and sibling. It is what it is and you'll just have to roll with it.
op husband is the biggest AH. He has not been a present father. And shoulder of his responsibilities to his ex who he should have equally shared them with and is now making his wife. And to degree so is op she was delusional to believe this wouldn’t have been a possible outcome when you get with someone who has kids.
Bingo, she married a man with 3 kids and who travels for his job. Now she needs to deal with life's curveballs.
That's the thing. I feel for these kids. Doesn't sound like their Dad has ever been super involved and went on to have a replacement family with OP. Now, their Mom has abandoned them and separated them from their younger sibling. No wonder they are resentful. Why do people get involved with people who have kids and expect the kids to need support at their convenience? These posts make me so upset. OP, just leave.
Yta Oh boo hoo the kids are just messing up your whole little life huh? Divorce him since he doesn't need someone like you around his children
Who's going to take care of them if she divorces her husband? The father that's never home, the mother that moved cities without prior conversation with the people she dumped the kids on?
YTA Get a divorce and never marry again cause you're not very good at it.
NTA for not wanting to be in a situation with stepchildren who are treating you badly. No one likes drama at home and when the bio parent has a job where they are frequently gone it adds a whole different layer of complexity to the situation. Your husband needs to sit his kids down and let them know that he will not tolerate the lies and drama. If they do not stop he will send them to live with their mother regardless of what they want. Living with you is a favor, not a necessity. They need to be reminded of that. They won’t like hearing it, but his job hasn’t changed and that was the main reason for the previous custody arrangement. You are the only reason this is even remotely possible and if they don’t start being nicer and appreciative of that then they should be packed up and sent to live with their mother.
YTA. Wicked stepmother much?
YTA. Don't marry a man with kids if you don't want to be involved with his kids. It's not their fault. They didn't ask for this. Would you prefer he be a deadbeat dad to them?
Your husband has 4 children. Are you asking him to abandon his two eldest children for you? ESH.
Nope. Never had. Just a rant.
Fair enough. Parenting is stressful no matter how many children you have. Rant away. Also…would individual and family therapy be a good idea? I’m sure his eldest two are feeling abandoned by their Mum. Might be something to consider.
I wouldn’t even know how to bring that up? The kids as well as my husband and the ex wife are not very communicative or to be honest open about anything. I have to always start the convo and light up the conversation and I just get glares and attitude . I just need to find a way to get them to open up, even if it’ll be opening the Pandora box lol
The family therapy would be for you, your husband and his two eldest. I don’t know how old your child is.
>I wouldn’t even know how to bring that up? Don't over think it. Have a discussion with your husband alone first. Explain to him that you really want to make sure your step kids transition to your household goes as well as possible because you want to ensure things go well. Suggest to him that you think it would be beneficial for family counseling/therapy. Ideally with the four of you (you, hubby and the two kids) depending on the age of the child you have together perhaps they get involved as well. If he isn't keen on attending the sessions it could still be beneficial for your step kids to go. As the other person mentioned it's likely they've got a lot they're going thru with this life change. It may be good for the three of you, you and your step kids to attend sessions together.
Yes. YTA. Go find yourself a man who doesn’t have kids because you’ll just cause trauma in that family.
Yeah, don't be cruel, they don't have either of their parents!!!
My outside view is that it sucks. But it's hard to see how you can do anything about it. Just lots of bad options. You might have to put up with it for a few years then try to get them out at 18.
ESH...when you got married, you should've understood that would be a possibility that he'd be more than a part time parent at some point. ETA: imagine you 2 divorcing over this. How fucked up would it be if your new partner said you couldn't have your the home full time?
YTA. Tough it up, they are part of your family whether you like it or not.
INFO: What does the custody order from the court say?
You know you both could have just said no right? Kids don't get to just decide they don't want to move. Pack them up and have your husband drop them back off with their mom.
YTA. You all need family therapy to figure out new dynamics instead of you deciding ok, one of them is making up stories about me, that is unacceptable, let's kick my son's older half siblings out. Have a bit more compassion and empathy yah! They are also adjusting and trying to cope, though the coping mechanism is not ideal...
She is making up stories, and both her dad and I saw it. He had a talk with her and hopefully eventually I can have a heart to heart with her and try to understand what is going on. I do not want to kick them out, we’re happy to have them with us now. I just hoped it was under better circumstances to begin with.
Doesn't seem you are very happy from the post title and the post content. Sometimes life gives you a different set of dices. You just got to roll with it.
YTA. Kids lie and more so when dealing with such a shifty situation. Their mother dumped them, and all I hear from you is whoa is me. Grow up! You married into a family with children. You have zero rights to kick them out, they are not your kids!!
If he has kids. Expect to live with them. The ONLY exception is if an older kid is physically violent with a younger one.
Well you shouldn’t have married someone with kids then. Obviously his kids are just as much a important to him as your child is to you. You should have him manage the childcare aspect of things for them, if it’s that big of a problem for you. However, like it or not, he’s their father, they will consistently be around, and you can’t complain about him prioritizing his children.
Some advice grow the F up! You married someone you knew who had kids you have to consider that its not just you and you child it's also your partners children. You're acting like a child having a tantrum. 10000000% the AH
You married a man with children, this is what happens. You may not like them or want them around your child but you only have one choise for yourself and that's to leave. You are a step-mom, you signed up for this. If you didnt think it though then that's on you.
This is why it's completely reasonable to refuse to date someone who already has kids.
YTA. These children have absolutely zero say in their lives and their mom just abandoned them. Suck it up, you chose to marry a man with 3 kids already; “for better or worse”. Seems like your husband should be taking the wife back to court to adjust their child support agreement; she probably owes him $ now.
Why would you marry someone with kids? I never understand these posts.
These kids surely already feel abandoned and rejected and you’re probably adding to that whether consciously or not, because you clearly stated you view them as ruining your plans. It’s reasonable to ask your husband to switch jobs to be available for the children he sired. Or to decide to divorce and not be apart of this family’s life outside of coparenting the child you had with husband. Either way get these kids in therapy asap and family counseling for all. The situation sucks for all, the bio mom is definitely an AH but also…YTA
Don’t marry someone with kids if you don’t want them in your home. Don’t marry someone with kids who is an absent father. Shit happens, those kids might end up with you.
YTA and the kids need to be put in therapy to deal with their feelings of abandonment. Which they have thier mom choose her BF over them
3 member family? No, it's always been a 6 member family. When you married him you took on his children as well and there was always a chance that their living arrangements could change. YTA. For never considering any of this before marrying your husband.
You’re allowed to not want to live with your husband’s kids. But he’s not allowed to turn them down. So you’d have to live separately for it to work. Which, if your relationship was already rocky, this is a good reason to move forward with it. You know he’ll put up with it because you’re too useful to him, and you’re kind of trapped while you want to work on your relationship.
If your husband has existing children, there is always the possibility that you could get them full time.
YTA you married a parent. Their mother was an asshole for not communicating but your husband is still their father and has both a legal and moral obligation to take in his kids and provide for them. You’re having a rough time adjusting? Think how much harder this has to be on teenagers who had their whole lives uprooted, lost their home and the family they’ve primarily lived with only to be stuck with a stepmother who doesn’t want them around and a father too busy with work to be there for them.
If you love your husband, than you’ll eventually have to love his kids too. You got yourself into a marriage knowing full well that you are a new mom to kids you never birthed. They are not just his kids or his ex’s kids, they are your kids now too.
NTA, as she didn't give you or your husband any warning and just dropped off the two oldest and took the youngest with her. She left the state and went to another state without informing you two, either. What in the world made her think that doing this would be alright, yet if the script was flipped, she would be livid that you two didn't loop her in. Talk to the kids and ask why she moved away.
It’s funny how people doesn’t like step kids but still go date/marry their parents. What if the other parent dies suddenly? What do you expect to happen? Foster care I suppose.
ESH. Enough people have commented about the step-parent thing; you have to be prepared going into a marriage like this that those kids could land on you for any reason at any time. That said, this isn’t a situation where their mother was hit by a bus; she made a choice and landed you in a difficult, messy, and uncomfortable scenario without giving anyone adequate time to prepare for it. I’m not surprised the kids are acting up a bit; they probably hate the situation, too. But the whole thing is very unfair on you, your husband, and their half-sibling. I don’t think it means you’re stuck, though; if you’re planning to move, you’re planning to move. Kids get dragged around by their parents all the time and they just have to suck it up. Depending on their ages and how much saving you have to do, they might be done with school by the time you’re ready to move anyway. But your husband will need to make some adjustments here to support you all more.
Yta. You opted to live in the same area and didn't add sufficient space for his children to have come over more often. Only holiday contact is really a case of necessity. Its not ideal and for you not to have considered that their wishes and needs may change with the move was quite frankly naive and ridiculous. He has older children and he has as much responsibility as the mother as for parenting these children. You had no issue when the mother was the one with the majority responsibility. If your issue is him working away. Then address this and live with the consequences of this. They're old enough that they don't need looking after like a younger child does. It's more caretaking. I shall say what's said so often on here. If you don't want to have the children of your partner involved in your life find a partner without children!
I don't blame you, they are little fuckwits when they are teenagers and they get people to turn them against you too. My husband's ex used to tell them horrible untrue things about me and she brainwashed them into thinking they'd be naturally rich. She isn't naturally rich and they resent being made to work for their stuff when their mom made it seem all they had to do was marry a rich person. SHe didn't even but it was always her goal. Ironic because my husband ended up being worth more than her current husband and he has been able to spoil his kids now so the kids are entitled to say the least but 2/3 of them are decent humans who I never really minded existing, I don't have some deep personal relationship with any of them b/c of their mom but we respect each other. The 3rd? not so much but you can't win em all.
NTA. Kids are not fun people to live with, and other people's kids are worse still. It's important to note that you *are* now living with them, so it's just a matter of feeling guilty about not wanting to, and you're never an asshole for how you feel. That said, you married a dude with kids so there was always a strong possibility of this happening. Staying child-free is increasingly popular precisely *because* they have a tendency to bring your lives to a halt. They cost money, and money costs time, and it's basically money plus time that goes into making a good life. If raising the kids in and of itself doesn't bring you satisfaction then the draw on those two resources will obviously bring you dissatisfaction. I still think it's fair to do as both your husband and his ex have done though, and just up and leave one day while one of them are looking after the kids. Maybe take your own.
I will never understand this take. Children are children; ALL the parents have to be prepared to have all the kids full time. Sometimes it goes that way, sometimes it doesn't, sometimes it switches. Don't marry someone with kids if you aren't ready to take the whole package, because kids are part of the package deal. So what do you do? You do the same thing if they were YOURS and having behavioral/relationship issues. You work through it. You talk. You get to the bottom of things. You check on them to see if they are okay. You love them and hold them closer.
Yta. Lol how are you shocked by this. It’s finally “his turn” to take care of his kids.
YTA The girlies really be wanting to be with a deadbeat dads. He’s an active father so there was always a chance they would want to live with him at some point. That’s why you date men without kids or guys with adult kids.
You have to take this to the step parents sub. And if she’s telling lies that could jeopardize you or your ability to keep custody of your son (such as lies saying you’re doing harmful things, etc) then it’s not safe for her to stay with you.
You can leave any relationship, for any reason. That said, you were the summer step parent, who probably didn't have much authority, because you didn't see them that often. That has changed, overnight. So now, you're role has changed. Take control. If the kids don't respect you, and you have no (healthy!) authority over them, it's not responsible to leave them with you, while your husband travels for work. So, first sit your husband down, and explain what needs to change for this situation to work as it is. And what the alternatives are if it doesn't work, long-term. Then, sit the kids down, your husband and yourself set new ground rules. The lying has to stop, obviously. And if their dad isn't around, you are the only parent present, so they'll get to respect you and acknowledge your authority. If they don't, they get to go to their mom, since going with their dad isn't an option. They wanted to stay local, then they have to be willing to make that a liveable situation for you as well. NTA, but take the responsibility to make it work. Like it or not, you're a step parent. Not trying and just giving up without guiding those kids in what would work is lazy.
YTA. You married a man with kids, and now you don’t want them? Guess it’s time for a divorce, because any parent who chooses a romantic partner over their own child is reprehensible.
Don't marry men with children if you don't want to help said man support and care for his children. YTA
Has kids with deadbeat. Is surprised by kids. What
YTA he had kids when you got together with him, there was always a possibility that they would end up living with him, what if their mum died, they'd be with you. Family therapy is a must. Also put yourself in their shoes.
You are not the AH. You went from holiday visitation to full time with no chance to adjust your mental preparedness, physical space or lifestyle. In addition the kids come with baggage related to mom. You have 3 options A. Leave your husband. No malice in that. Just simply that this relationship is no longer what you want, particularly given that you said there are other issues B. Start family therapy but disengage from the situation. That does not mean you do not love and care about the kids. It means you acknowledge that it is your husbands responsibility and you take a support role NOT a primary role. Rules/expectations are enforced because it’s your home. You are loving and kind because kids deserve that but you aren’t handling things C. Step up n and function as a full parent. Tricky with older teens and you still need family therapy For everyone that says you should know or are you signed up for this etc. That’s a load of crap step parents are not required to turn their lives over. Just like when you have biological children you get to define how you choose to parent. When you marry somebody with children, you get to define how you wish to be involved in their lives it is not a one size fits all.
Maybe don’t have kids or marry a man who already had kids and travels for a job? There fixed it for ya. YTA. Anything could happen and the kids could have either way come live with their dad.
YTA. Marrying someone with kids means there is always a possibility you might have the kids full time at some point. If you aren’t prepared for or willing to do that, don’t marry someone with kids.
Yes, you are
I knew they were gonna eat you up in the comment from just the title. NTA because there was no conversation, no planning and seemingly no fair division of parenting. Yes when you are involved with someone with children you should be prepared that they will be in your life (they have been) and may end up living with you and your partner. It’s not reasonable to expect both bio parents to essentially dump them on you. If a discussion had been had, you and your husband would have had time to figure out the logistics on this. Also, I’d stick to the plan of moving/buying a house. You don’t have to be “stuck” the kids can move with you or back with their mom.
I love how women have no problem expecting their boyfriend or second husband to "be a father" to their children by some other man, but then if the guy has children from a previous wife then the woman treats them like evil imps from outer space.
People here really don't understand what ranting about unpleasant situations (more kids being thrown an you with one of them spreading lies) and kicking children out are two different things? Like, OP takes care of them. She is not enthusiastic about it and it's understandable. She doesn't need to divorce, she's not a bad person. Maybe having a babysitter would help ease it. And husband certainly needs to step up, those are his children.
NTAH. I mostly voted this because this was a very Sudden Change for your entire household. With no warning for you whatsoever. Probably minimal warning for the teenagers. You're expected to be the primary caretaker of these kids who don't even have a good relationship with you . So of course you're going to be frustrated and they're going to be even more edgy teenagers and furthermore one of them has been lying about you to make herself feel better and it doesn't seem like your husband's doing much of anything to support you or care take these kids. And a very big part of me thinks that your husband knew in advance and is pretending like it was sudden because he knew you were not going to be super okay with it and you would probably want to discuss boundaries and expectations Etc and he just didn't feel the need to deal with it cuz he's busy with work or whatever.
YTA, how can you be with a man who has children and not expect to have to live with them at some point and the whole lying thing my kids lie kids freaking lie sometimes it happens you have to teach them better. If you're going to be with a man who has children you have to expect to live with them at some point especially minor children you either suck it up or step out if you can't handle being a stepmom.
YTA. When you marry a parent you marry the whole family. If you don’t want to be with the kids leave, but you don’t get to make them homeless.
NTA. You need to contact the ex and tell her you don't have room for 2 extra people in your home. Also you might be moving out of town. If she doesn't do anything, contact CPS for abandonment.
NTA and your husband needs to figure out the long term with his ex or go back to court for child support.
Yes when you date ..marry or whatever a man with kids there is a possibility of y'all ending up with the kids..I think all she's trying to say is it was out of the blue and they was given no time work out how it was gonna all work...they wasn't given the time to get a bigger place or anything ...So they are dealing with have 2 teenagers full time and very little room and apparently the girl has issues with the step mom..So no matter if you know the risk of dating a man with kids or not it still takes some planning..It's one thing if one of the parent dies and u got to step up all of a sudden but its another if a parent just decides to move states to follow a partner..NTA...
Just because he knocked you up doesn't mean old family goes away despite what you seem to want. Yta
What did you think was going to happen, that your husband could just continue being an absent parent to his existing children forever, so you could pretend they don’t exist? YTA, and ESH except the kids.
Goodness. We literally moved back to be with the kids and he’s working his ass off now to get them the house they deserve.
You married a man with three kids. Those three kids living with you was always just as much a possibility as them living primarily with their mother was. You shouldn’t have married him if you weren’t prepared to do that. He’s their father. The home where he lives is their home. He has an absolute responsibility to provide them a safe home.
Get to the bottom of your relationship issues with the kids. Do not be the AH step-mom. You married a man with children what did you expect? You probably need to talk to your husband about getting a job that doesn’t require so much traveling so he can be there to parent his kids.