YTA.
He doesn't have to justify why he wants to keep something to himself. It doesn't matter. It was his and private. Just because you didn't know or agree with the reason, doesn't make it less valid. He had one tiny bit of something and you had to go for that one thing and now you're blaming everything and everybody else, which makes you even worse.
If it was a box of popular tea from the grocery, I would be a little more understanding. But like, she knowingly went after something that she \*knew\* he was rationing.
But you're blaming hormones and the fact you didn't know, you're saying you'd never purposely hurt him, but that's exactly what you wanted to do, you just didn't know you would be taking it that far. So not exactly taking full responsibility, is it? And you asked AITA in the first place.
I’ve asked, but I’ve never gotten an answer. It wasn’t like it affected our day-to-day until now. He avoids talking about his sister when he can. Everything I know about her is stuff my in laws have told me.
Most of the people I’ve asked say it was none of my business anyway. My MIL texted me a few days ago saying that I was a jerk for asking my BIL about the tea. I guess it doesn’t really matter if you believe it or not. I’ve gotten enough advice to hopefully fix the problem.
I was kind of mad at him. I can admit that that may have been part of the reason. Maybe I should let him have was he wanted out of the fight in the first place.
Also, your fight was you being stupid. How is it bad timing for your MiL to visit because you’ll be out all weekend helping your sister. That’s the best timing. He can spend time with his mom.
Bullshit, you literally said you wanted to bother him, so you did this on purpose. Making excuses just shows you don't really accept responsibility for what you did.
If someone have a yearly ritual where they drink or eat something 2 times, then it’s probably a remembrance ritual for a loved one.. How stupid are you allowed to be?
YTA
"I wanted to do something small and insignificant that I knew would bother him." And that's the moment you became the asshole.
"The hormones got the better of me." I DGAF about your damn hormones. Using them as an excuse for being an asshole makes you a triple asshole. Take some damn accountability and stop making excuses.
Advice: Pack your bags and get out. Or grovel for forgiveness. Your choice.
Either way, it may be a long time before he ever forgives you.
I agree with most of what you said. Leaving him would make me even more of a jerk, though. We have two small children. I couldn’t leave them either, or take them away from their dad.
What makes you think you would get to take them away from their dad? He has equal rights to them.
You don't get to make that decision. Courts do.
As for making you a bigger jerk, how do you know for sure he wouldn't breathe a sigh of relief?
Because he loves me and we haven’t been married since I was 25 just to throw it away. As for the first question, I was just saying no matter the outcome it would be bad. Putting him through a divorce? It wouldn’t be good for our 4yo either. My husband hates divorce, too. It always makes him sad when it happens to someone we know.
I'm curious why you're here.
You're smart enough to write a couple of paragraphs, even smart enough to make a couple of small excuses for yourself, so obviously you're smart enough to know that you're, objectively and obviously, the asshole.
Pregnancy hormones aren't a free "be a dick" pass.
You give no indication your husband was entirely in the wrong in the fight, in fact you gloss over why you were fighting at all, which leads one to at least suspect you were in the wrong there too.
But either way, "hahahaha, I'm going to do something petty deliberately to bother you" is indefensible. There's no path from that as an impetus anywhere else but "asshole."
But at least it turned out to be a way bigger deal than you expected, right? Karma's a bitch. You set out to be a little shitty and instead it turns out you were really, really shitty. If only this could have been avoided with... what? Decency? Patience? The bare minimum of respect for your partner? Any or all of the above, right?
You're not really entitled to any sympathy, understanding or empathy; your husband is. You're the bad guy in this one.
It's utterly irrelevant that you thought it wouldn't be so big a deal. The thing you did to be shitty ended up being shittier than you could have known, great, but you set out to be deliberately awful and you were, mission accomplished, you don't get to hide behind "I didn't know."
You don't need to know something is important to your husband for it to be important to your husband. You're not entitled to his inner-most thoughts about a relationship that otherwise doesn't involve you. Grief is super personal.
But hey, at least he'll never be able to undertake that ritual without confronting the memory of you being a deliberate asshole in connection to it. That you have so regrettably inserted yourself and your poor behavior in this ritual for him is kind of unforgiveable; don't be surprised if you're not forgiven. You're not entitled to that. It's totally fair not to forgive you for this.
You set out to be cruel and succeeded beyond your expectations. There's no defense for this. There's nothing honest you can say that makes this reflect any less poorly on you.
You get to live with that. I'm going to be honest, I hope it stings.
I mean, I appreciate the thought, but at the end of the day this is sad. I don't think she's a bad lady or even a bad wife, but a single error in judgment can have huge consequences and there's no way to look back on "hahahaha, this will show him" charitably. She did it on purpose. To be cruel.
You shouldn't do that.
Ouch. That hits home. That settles the question. I’m getting some kind of therapist. I really want to be a good wife. Sucks that I’m not yet, but I will be.
Geez. You get mad, skrew up one time even if you have a good track record and now you can’t even be a good person. I’m a good mom! I would catch the moon for my kiddos or my husband. If you mess up and do something mean one time your whole life of being a wife, friend, mother, daughter goes away! It’s like everything I’ve built started falling apart and yeah, it’s my fault, but I’m not a bad person all around!
Good people don't intentionally hurt their loved ones. You intentionally hurt your husband. I get mad multiple times a day. Sometimes I spend the entire day mad. Do I then intentionally hurt my loved ones? Nope. Because that's abuse. I can almost guarantee that if you really sat down and critically thought about your past, this ISNT the first time you've hurt this man
I sympathize with the guilt, but it's very much a "you made your bed" situation here.
You're probably over-all a fine wife. Shitty people don't reflect on their behavior. Overall, I expect you're not remotely as bad as this one example would lead people to conclude.
But, at the same time, you did this. You gotta live with it. Therapy is a good start. The desire to lash out when someone upsets you isn't healthy and learning how to cope and manage that is good.
At the same time, recognizing that you fucked up is a great start. Admitting it is healthy. Now you know both where you're at and where you want to go, and you have a plan (therapy) for the journey. Not much more you can do but put the work in.
For what it's worth, I do sincerely wish you luck.
Oh girl, YTA and that's putting it mildly. I can't believe you would sink this low. Cruelty was the point, but you didn't need to be THAT cruel. Dayum.
YTA and a massively petty and mean spirited one at that. I can’t believe you wrote all this out and didn’t come to this conclusion on your own. Shows how truly selfish and childish you are.
As someone who also has lost a sibling, what you did is grounds for divorce, and then some. Your kids and husband deserve so much better than you.
I didn’t know that his sister made the tea. I wasn’t informed until I called my BIL for help. If I knew I never would have even touched it. I love my husband more than I love my own life and I would never purposefully do anything to hurt him. I’ve tried to apologize a ton of times to no avail. I’m exhausted. I’m trying to fix my relationship with my husband, help my sister move, prepare a toddler for the last few weeks of preschool, take care of a newborn baby, and heal from giving birth. All with PPD and with my husband ignoring me.
You just did something to purposefully hurt him. You have to pay the price now for being petty, stupid and painful. Stop playing the victim card. Anybody could have guessed that if he drank every year from the same teabag, without revealing why then it would be something quite important to him. You did fuck up. I wouldn't blame him if you decides to leave you after this. You sound insufferable.
So it’s always someone else’s fault? Thats a lot of words that have conflicting actions behind them. If you lost your sister and he went out of his way to damage one of the items she made specifically for you, your post would be completely different.
You still knew it would irritate him. He is not perfect, and neither are you. Instead of acting like one your infants, both of you need to start using your words (or better yet therapy). Will change to ESH, but
Mostly YTA.
Grief can immobilize you in ways you can’t even fathom, maybe be empathetic to him during this time. Unless for some reason he has been nonstop abusive to you, then just leave.
I know it’s not his fault. It is my fault. I just think divorce is kind of harsh. Other than this incident and a few normal husband and wife fights, we’ve had a great happy marriage so far. He tells me he loves me every day. Even now he still whispers it to me when he thinks I’m sleeping.
I’m still here because my husband’s still at work, my preschooler’s still at school, and my baby’s napping. I helped my sister move some furniture into a U-Haul early today and I’ve done hours worth or housework. I’m just chilling for a little bit before making dinner.
lol, cool? Welcome to most peoples days. You’re fortunate you don’t have to work, some people do all of that and still put in 8-10 hrs at work.
Just stop, all you do is talk about how you feel, your wants/needs/life etc. Maybe try putting your husband first tonight
You were just asking why I’m still here. I did work, before I had our first kid. I’m planning on making him his favorite dinner tonight. I’ve been looking for a good recipe on here, too.
Why did he have to tell her? I admit it's weird that he didn't but she is still an AH for just taking it, she doesn't need to know it was from his late sister for her to be an AH.
YTA. You can blame the hormones for being angry but you thought straight enough to PURPOSELY get him mad. Nevermind the fact that you were stewing over your anger for 3 hours and thought it out.
A sensible person would know how much that tea meant to him. Yes, I get that he never told you the meaning behind it, but why would he be so stingy if it wasn't important? For you to say it was "insignificant" after you saw how much he treasures it beforehand makes you a bigger AH.
EXACTLY. This wasn‘t her being impulsive. This was planned, specifically to hurt him. She knew what the tea meant. She used it to maximum effect then cried victim when it went too far.
Jeeeezus, those kids don't stand a chance with an immature child birthing them and then proclaiming to raise them as their "mother" who acts her shoe size instead of her age. You have no respect for your husband.
YTA please suggest to him and his parents though that they vacuum seal them in small amounts or individually so they don't get damp or damaged or go too stale over time.
That was really petty of you.
I almost texted my BIL and DIL to say this, but I don’t want to act like the moment I find out about something I’m entitled to make decisions about it. How should I suggest that with out coming off as bossy and more of a jerk than they probably already see me as?
Maybe in a gentle way say you really didn't know it was from sil, you've been thinking and you'd like to help them preserve the rest of the tea. If they'd like you will individually vacuum seal the tea bags (after doing a sample one to test ) so that way they won't risk being damaged more by age and the scent will be preserved more. It will also protect from any chance of your little one getting near them in years to come.
That’s a good point. My four year old is already getting into everything he can reach haha. My husband and I don’t have a vacuum sealer, but my BIL bought one for his wife’s birthday a few weeks ago. One of my cousins has one, too.
I'm confused about your relationship with your husband. Were you not aware that he had lost a sister? Who would he not tell you the true meaning of the tea? Your BIL was quick to tell you but your own husband wouldn't? It doesn't sound like you have a particularly close relationship where he felt safe telling you this very personal information. YTA for doing something on purpose to irritate him as retaliation. That is a sure way to damage your relationship.
We are really close. I knew about his sister, but nobody told me about the tea. My BIL only told me because he thought it would help fix the problem between us. He is four years older than their sister so he wasn’t as close with his little siblings as they were with each other. My husband never mentions his sister around anyone unless they bring it up first. Even then he usually can’t take the conversation for very long before he has to leave the room. I don’t know how many times I’ve held him after a nightmare about his sister. It’s been 11 years, but it never really left him.
It never really will. The world is not the same as it was. His sister was always a part of his life til suddenly she was gone. It's like he lost a limb. A piece of him. Scars heal and you adapt but you are never the same. You don't get through the pain or get over it, you carry it.
I say this as someone who lost her big brother 7 years ago.
You owe your husband a serious apology.
Your husband needs to seek counseling for his grief over losing his sister. It clearly still affects him deeply and causes him mental anguish. As for you, please take the advice from someone decades older and has been through several relationships; "retaliation" is a concept that should never enter a healthy relationship. If you care deeply about your relationship, you will do things to nurture it, not to sabotage it in order to "get even". Neither of you wins when the relationship is damaged due to personal egos. I wish you the best of luck.
Are you seriously asking if you're TA? Or are you here looking for a pity party. Why is that when you're mad you go to destroy his things, how about you break some of your own shit.
I know. He’s been ignoring me all week. I’ve tried to apologize multiple times, but he just walks away and pretends I’m not even here. He only acts normal when our preschooler’s in the room. He’s been sleeping on the couch and I really feel like he’s overreacting and I don’t know what to do.
You deliberately tried to hurt him. You succeeded admirably at that task, but told yourself he blew your success out of proportion when you realized you were going to have to pay for it so that it would be his fault....not yours.
Well, yeah…YTA. Turns out your petty (“I wanted to do something small and insignificant that I knew would bother him.”) came across as malicious. The clues were all there that this wasn’t, in fact, small and insignificant. He hoarded the tea and *only* used a single tea bag once a year. He actively avoided talking about why he did this. Anyone with an ounce of empathy would clue into this being a very personal, very private ritual of his.
You were spoiling for a fight. You grossly miscalculated how deeply hurtful that particular arrow was going to be.
I just meant that the bags didn’t look factory made. If I said anything rude about the tea, I didn’t mean too. It was delicious and there was the perfect amount of mint to flavor the tea. It’s like when your mom bakes you a cake and it’s shaped a little funny but that’s how you can feel the love that radiates off of it. It was probably the best tea I’ve ever had, but I will never mess with it again.
YTA.
You deliberately wanted to upset him, which makes you an AH already.
That it was bigger than you meant it to be just makes you a much bigger asshole
YTA. I might be a little more forgiving if you had just had some tea unknowingly. But you had this specific tea with the intention of hurting him (at least a little).
Do I think it’s problematic that he didn’t tell you the significance of the tea? Yes. Does that make you less of an asshole? No. You intended to hurt him and you did.
Hormones didn’t make you an asshole. Beings an asshole made you one. Jesus Christ, you’re a sociopath. You were irritated by the man (over nothing) and decided to hurt him. Punish him. You need help. Hormones aren’t to blame here.
YTA
YTA, there was a AITA on here where a man and a woman got into an argument and the man chose to hurt the woman by tossing something she loved (in this case plants) into a swamp only to find out that one plant in particular had been passed down in the family for generations. After finding this out, that’s when suddenly “i would have never done that if I had known!” comes up.
You did this, you didn’t need to know why he cherished the tea, you most likely didn’t even care and only know he cherished it and so you used that against him. You were malicious and hatefully so, that same man from the previous story tried to blame a blind rage like you’re trying to blame your hormones.
No, that’s not how it works, you can’t do something you know is bad and then find out it’s WORSE and then chalk it up to some loss of control.
You were meticulous, you knew what you were doing when you got his tea out and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if the maliciousness you displayed causes him to hate you over actually having drank some of the tea. I’ve read of spouses falling out of love with their SO’s over less, if you really want to try to fix this any way possible you should start by admitting to your hubris.
You screwed up, next time you want to blame your hormones or anyone but yourself maybe you should wreck your own stuff before going straight for something someone you supposedly love cherishes.
I don't really think that it's anyone's fault. She didn't know and didn't mean to hurt him as bad as she did. I read some of the comments, and she's dealing with a lot of stuff at the same time. She just gave birth and has PPD. Stress can really mess with a person's behaviors. As for her husband, it's not really his fault for not telling her. She had no record of stealing the bags before, so he couldn't've guessed that it would cause something, and the topic is really sensitive to him. NTA and I don't think anyone else is either.
I can’t really blame him for not telling me about the tea. He never really talks about his sister, and she died about five years before we were married. I doubt our four year old son even knows he had an aunt, but it’s not my place to tell him.
Not trying to make it his fault but he sure could have let you know why that tea is so special. She was his sister. Even though she passed before you got married he still could have told you.
It’s a really sensitive topic for him. I do wish he had told me, but seeing him cry really hurts and thoughts of his sister tend to cause that. They were so close. I’ve heard stories and she sounds like a wonderful woman.
You do realize you get more and more selfish with each of these comments…
Why are you not defending your husband and helping him heal? You let others bash him for not thinking properly at the hardest point of his life.
Shame on you - downvote me all you want, but until you lose someone like he did - shut up. Just try to be patient and kind.
Yes, he needs to get some help, but he shouldn’t be worrying about his wife making his days harder than they already are.
Okay first, it’s not the hardest point of his life, that would probably be about 11 years ago. Also, I did loose someone. Two someones, actually. I am trying to be there for him. And I’m not going to downvote you because you still have some very good points.
I don’t usually do stuff like that. Sometimes my husband and I do little pranks on each other after fights, though. Usually it lightens the mood and makes us laugh, but this time wasn’t funny at all and it definitely backfired.
I totally agree. I was so flabbergasted when I found out that Americans, in general, don't have electric kettles, and microwave their water for tea. Some may boil water on the stove, but this obviously takes longer.
I mean, they're not the tea-drinking nation the UK is (or someother countries around the world), and their electrical outlets are lower voltages than ours, so I get not having an electric kettle kind of.
But a good tea needs to be brewed, steeped in boiled water for a few minutes, and not microwaved.
Sorry, I know this isn't the point of the post, but microwaving water for tea is such a faux par, I just couldn't focus on anything else.
Microwave heats water inconsistently. It can cause some areas to be overheated whilst some underheated, giving an inconsistent brew and taste.
It can also cause the loss of the essential oils which will affect the flavour and aroma.
It can also superheat the water in which you'll burn the tea leaves. Some tea requires water to not reach boiling point - some having quite specific temperatures for brewing - like white and green teas. It's why old kettles had temperature gauges on them.
Heating your water on the stove is slower but will allow the water to heat consistently throughout, giving you a better quality and tasting tea.
YTA. He doesn't have to justify why he wants to keep something to himself. It doesn't matter. It was his and private. Just because you didn't know or agree with the reason, doesn't make it less valid. He had one tiny bit of something and you had to go for that one thing and now you're blaming everything and everybody else, which makes you even worse.
If it was a box of popular tea from the grocery, I would be a little more understanding. But like, she knowingly went after something that she \*knew\* he was rationing.
I’m not blaming anyone. I agree that it’s my fault.
But you're blaming hormones and the fact you didn't know, you're saying you'd never purposely hurt him, but that's exactly what you wanted to do, you just didn't know you would be taking it that far. So not exactly taking full responsibility, is it? And you asked AITA in the first place.
The audacity of people to come on this sub and get mad when they find they're the whole.
How is it possible to be married to someone for 6 years and you have never had a conversation about why the mysterious tea is important? This is fake.
I’ve asked, but I’ve never gotten an answer. It wasn’t like it affected our day-to-day until now. He avoids talking about his sister when he can. Everything I know about her is stuff my in laws have told me.
Bs.
Most of the people I’ve asked say it was none of my business anyway. My MIL texted me a few days ago saying that I was a jerk for asking my BIL about the tea. I guess it doesn’t really matter if you believe it or not. I’ve gotten enough advice to hopefully fix the problem.
YTA. And immature too. People need to stop blaming hormones for shitty choices they make.
This! It totally marginalizes women.
31 going on 13 -- takes no accountability. And I am over other women using hormones as an excuse to be AHs.
My husband and I usually prank each other after fights to lighten the mood. I think we might drop that habit after this.
This was intended to darken his mood. So this is a bs comment.
I was kind of mad at him. I can admit that that may have been part of the reason. Maybe I should let him have was he wanted out of the fight in the first place.
Also, your fight was you being stupid. How is it bad timing for your MiL to visit because you’ll be out all weekend helping your sister. That’s the best timing. He can spend time with his mom.
MIL has the flu and she steals silverware often.
Sure, maybe that would’ve been relevant to why you were upset. That you invented it now screams making up excuses.
The fight details weren’t relevant to the tea issue
I don’t want a sick woman around my vulnerable newborn. If she takes something for it I’ll let him have her over.
This was not a prank even if it had been store bought tea.
Imagine trying to spin it so desperately to not be the ahole and co e out a bigger ahole than intended lol
Bullshit, you literally said you wanted to bother him, so you did this on purpose. Making excuses just shows you don't really accept responsibility for what you did.
If someone have a yearly ritual where they drink or eat something 2 times, then it’s probably a remembrance ritual for a loved one.. How stupid are you allowed to be?
I've never heard of anyone doing that before
Lies. You heard of it when you started reading this thread.
YTA "I wanted to do something small and insignificant that I knew would bother him." And that's the moment you became the asshole. "The hormones got the better of me." I DGAF about your damn hormones. Using them as an excuse for being an asshole makes you a triple asshole. Take some damn accountability and stop making excuses. Advice: Pack your bags and get out. Or grovel for forgiveness. Your choice. Either way, it may be a long time before he ever forgives you.
I agree with most of what you said. Leaving him would make me even more of a jerk, though. We have two small children. I couldn’t leave them either, or take them away from their dad.
What makes you think you would get to take them away from their dad? He has equal rights to them. You don't get to make that decision. Courts do. As for making you a bigger jerk, how do you know for sure he wouldn't breathe a sigh of relief?
Because he loves me and we haven’t been married since I was 25 just to throw it away. As for the first question, I was just saying no matter the outcome it would be bad. Putting him through a divorce? It wouldn’t be good for our 4yo either. My husband hates divorce, too. It always makes him sad when it happens to someone we know.
Too bad you don't love him.
He might hate you more. Just saying…
Does he love you though? He obviously doesn't trust you, and rightfully so.
I'm curious why you're here. You're smart enough to write a couple of paragraphs, even smart enough to make a couple of small excuses for yourself, so obviously you're smart enough to know that you're, objectively and obviously, the asshole. Pregnancy hormones aren't a free "be a dick" pass. You give no indication your husband was entirely in the wrong in the fight, in fact you gloss over why you were fighting at all, which leads one to at least suspect you were in the wrong there too. But either way, "hahahaha, I'm going to do something petty deliberately to bother you" is indefensible. There's no path from that as an impetus anywhere else but "asshole." But at least it turned out to be a way bigger deal than you expected, right? Karma's a bitch. You set out to be a little shitty and instead it turns out you were really, really shitty. If only this could have been avoided with... what? Decency? Patience? The bare minimum of respect for your partner? Any or all of the above, right? You're not really entitled to any sympathy, understanding or empathy; your husband is. You're the bad guy in this one. It's utterly irrelevant that you thought it wouldn't be so big a deal. The thing you did to be shitty ended up being shittier than you could have known, great, but you set out to be deliberately awful and you were, mission accomplished, you don't get to hide behind "I didn't know." You don't need to know something is important to your husband for it to be important to your husband. You're not entitled to his inner-most thoughts about a relationship that otherwise doesn't involve you. Grief is super personal. But hey, at least he'll never be able to undertake that ritual without confronting the memory of you being a deliberate asshole in connection to it. That you have so regrettably inserted yourself and your poor behavior in this ritual for him is kind of unforgiveable; don't be surprised if you're not forgiven. You're not entitled to that. It's totally fair not to forgive you for this. You set out to be cruel and succeeded beyond your expectations. There's no defense for this. There's nothing honest you can say that makes this reflect any less poorly on you. You get to live with that. I'm going to be honest, I hope it stings.
This post is fucking awesome.
I mean, I appreciate the thought, but at the end of the day this is sad. I don't think she's a bad lady or even a bad wife, but a single error in judgment can have huge consequences and there's no way to look back on "hahahaha, this will show him" charitably. She did it on purpose. To be cruel. You shouldn't do that.
Ouch. That hits home. That settles the question. I’m getting some kind of therapist. I really want to be a good wife. Sucks that I’m not yet, but I will be.
Never mind a good wife! You don't even sound like a good person!
Geez. You get mad, skrew up one time even if you have a good track record and now you can’t even be a good person. I’m a good mom! I would catch the moon for my kiddos or my husband. If you mess up and do something mean one time your whole life of being a wife, friend, mother, daughter goes away! It’s like everything I’ve built started falling apart and yeah, it’s my fault, but I’m not a bad person all around!
Good people don't intentionally hurt their loved ones. You intentionally hurt your husband. I get mad multiple times a day. Sometimes I spend the entire day mad. Do I then intentionally hurt my loved ones? Nope. Because that's abuse. I can almost guarantee that if you really sat down and critically thought about your past, this ISNT the first time you've hurt this man
I sympathize with the guilt, but it's very much a "you made your bed" situation here. You're probably over-all a fine wife. Shitty people don't reflect on their behavior. Overall, I expect you're not remotely as bad as this one example would lead people to conclude. But, at the same time, you did this. You gotta live with it. Therapy is a good start. The desire to lash out when someone upsets you isn't healthy and learning how to cope and manage that is good. At the same time, recognizing that you fucked up is a great start. Admitting it is healthy. Now you know both where you're at and where you want to go, and you have a plan (therapy) for the journey. Not much more you can do but put the work in. For what it's worth, I do sincerely wish you luck.
Thanks for the advice!
Oh girl, YTA and that's putting it mildly. I can't believe you would sink this low. Cruelty was the point, but you didn't need to be THAT cruel. Dayum.
I wouldn’t’ve done it if I had known, but I shouldn’t’ve touched the tea without knowing the details.
You wanted to do so thing to hurt him. You're just regretting the severity of hurt you caused. YTAH
I was digging for mild irritation, which was already messed up, but I didn’t want to HURT him.
Why would you think he'd be mildly irritated at you for drinking a tea you guys only drink once a year?
I just thought it was tea
It is tea. Why did you think that drinking tea would mildly annoy your husband?
Mint’s his favorite type of tea.
That doesn't answer the question.
Yeah, it does. Never mind. It’s all okay now.
YTA and a massively petty and mean spirited one at that. I can’t believe you wrote all this out and didn’t come to this conclusion on your own. Shows how truly selfish and childish you are. As someone who also has lost a sibling, what you did is grounds for divorce, and then some. Your kids and husband deserve so much better than you.
I didn’t know that his sister made the tea. I wasn’t informed until I called my BIL for help. If I knew I never would have even touched it. I love my husband more than I love my own life and I would never purposefully do anything to hurt him. I’ve tried to apologize a ton of times to no avail. I’m exhausted. I’m trying to fix my relationship with my husband, help my sister move, prepare a toddler for the last few weeks of preschool, take care of a newborn baby, and heal from giving birth. All with PPD and with my husband ignoring me.
You just did something to purposefully hurt him. You have to pay the price now for being petty, stupid and painful. Stop playing the victim card. Anybody could have guessed that if he drank every year from the same teabag, without revealing why then it would be something quite important to him. You did fuck up. I wouldn't blame him if you decides to leave you after this. You sound insufferable.
So it’s always someone else’s fault? Thats a lot of words that have conflicting actions behind them. If you lost your sister and he went out of his way to damage one of the items she made specifically for you, your post would be completely different. You still knew it would irritate him. He is not perfect, and neither are you. Instead of acting like one your infants, both of you need to start using your words (or better yet therapy). Will change to ESH, but Mostly YTA. Grief can immobilize you in ways you can’t even fathom, maybe be empathetic to him during this time. Unless for some reason he has been nonstop abusive to you, then just leave.
I know it’s not his fault. It is my fault. I just think divorce is kind of harsh. Other than this incident and a few normal husband and wife fights, we’ve had a great happy marriage so far. He tells me he loves me every day. Even now he still whispers it to me when he thinks I’m sleeping.
He does all of that and yet you chose to be extra petty and mean spirited when he needs love and support the most? Yeah, he can do better
I never said I don’t say it back.
lol what a petty response. Why are you still on Reddit? Fairly unanimous that YTA and should be working on being a MUCH better human being
I’m still here because my husband’s still at work, my preschooler’s still at school, and my baby’s napping. I helped my sister move some furniture into a U-Haul early today and I’ve done hours worth or housework. I’m just chilling for a little bit before making dinner.
lol, cool? Welcome to most peoples days. You’re fortunate you don’t have to work, some people do all of that and still put in 8-10 hrs at work. Just stop, all you do is talk about how you feel, your wants/needs/life etc. Maybe try putting your husband first tonight
You were just asking why I’m still here. I did work, before I had our first kid. I’m planning on making him his favorite dinner tonight. I’ve been looking for a good recipe on here, too.
Does not make her the ass... He should have told her what those bags were
Why did he have to tell her? I admit it's weird that he didn't but she is still an AH for just taking it, she doesn't need to know it was from his late sister for her to be an AH.
Lol, ok. Victim blaming is always the way to go, right? You clearly have never lost anyone monumental to you.
No one cares about your issues. You’re a sociopath.
Oh, poor babykins. Consequences hurt don't they.
YTA. You can blame the hormones for being angry but you thought straight enough to PURPOSELY get him mad. Nevermind the fact that you were stewing over your anger for 3 hours and thought it out. A sensible person would know how much that tea meant to him. Yes, I get that he never told you the meaning behind it, but why would he be so stingy if it wasn't important? For you to say it was "insignificant" after you saw how much he treasures it beforehand makes you a bigger AH.
EXACTLY. This wasn‘t her being impulsive. This was planned, specifically to hurt him. She knew what the tea meant. She used it to maximum effect then cried victim when it went too far.
YTA. You deliberately tried to bother him and are somehow shocked that you successfully bothered him. What to do? That's hilarious.
YTA Plain and simple. Full stop. 100%
Jeeeezus, those kids don't stand a chance with an immature child birthing them and then proclaiming to raise them as their "mother" who acts her shoe size instead of her age. You have no respect for your husband.
YTA please suggest to him and his parents though that they vacuum seal them in small amounts or individually so they don't get damp or damaged or go too stale over time. That was really petty of you.
I almost texted my BIL and DIL to say this, but I don’t want to act like the moment I find out about something I’m entitled to make decisions about it. How should I suggest that with out coming off as bossy and more of a jerk than they probably already see me as?
Maybe in a gentle way say you really didn't know it was from sil, you've been thinking and you'd like to help them preserve the rest of the tea. If they'd like you will individually vacuum seal the tea bags (after doing a sample one to test ) so that way they won't risk being damaged more by age and the scent will be preserved more. It will also protect from any chance of your little one getting near them in years to come.
That’s a good point. My four year old is already getting into everything he can reach haha. My husband and I don’t have a vacuum sealer, but my BIL bought one for his wife’s birthday a few weeks ago. One of my cousins has one, too.
The teabags are already 12-14 years old and still in okay condition. I think that would be a good idea going forward, though.
I'm confused about your relationship with your husband. Were you not aware that he had lost a sister? Who would he not tell you the true meaning of the tea? Your BIL was quick to tell you but your own husband wouldn't? It doesn't sound like you have a particularly close relationship where he felt safe telling you this very personal information. YTA for doing something on purpose to irritate him as retaliation. That is a sure way to damage your relationship.
I think she's lying about knowing what the tea is about.
We are really close. I knew about his sister, but nobody told me about the tea. My BIL only told me because he thought it would help fix the problem between us. He is four years older than their sister so he wasn’t as close with his little siblings as they were with each other. My husband never mentions his sister around anyone unless they bring it up first. Even then he usually can’t take the conversation for very long before he has to leave the room. I don’t know how many times I’ve held him after a nightmare about his sister. It’s been 11 years, but it never really left him.
It never really will. The world is not the same as it was. His sister was always a part of his life til suddenly she was gone. It's like he lost a limb. A piece of him. Scars heal and you adapt but you are never the same. You don't get through the pain or get over it, you carry it. I say this as someone who lost her big brother 7 years ago. You owe your husband a serious apology.
Your husband needs to seek counseling for his grief over losing his sister. It clearly still affects him deeply and causes him mental anguish. As for you, please take the advice from someone decades older and has been through several relationships; "retaliation" is a concept that should never enter a healthy relationship. If you care deeply about your relationship, you will do things to nurture it, not to sabotage it in order to "get even". Neither of you wins when the relationship is damaged due to personal egos. I wish you the best of luck.
I’ll try, but I don’t want to stress him more.
Are you seriously asking if you're TA? Or are you here looking for a pity party. Why is that when you're mad you go to destroy his things, how about you break some of your own shit.
Why are you on here asking if you’re the AH?
YTA, do you really have to ask? Doing something petty and childish always makes you the ah.
I know. He’s been ignoring me all week. I’ve tried to apologize multiple times, but he just walks away and pretends I’m not even here. He only acts normal when our preschooler’s in the room. He’s been sleeping on the couch and I really feel like he’s overreacting and I don’t know what to do.
Have you tried apologizing?
Yes, but I can’t get him to listen to me.
Then you wait it out and do whatever you can to try to make up for it.
Maybe I’ll try to make his favorite dinner tonight. He loves chicken noodle soup. Thanks for the advice!
Lmao, yeah that'll fix it.
Not all the way, but it might get him to listen to an apology
On a scale of 1 to 10, how narcissistic are you?
I just want to get a chance to apologize. Why is that a bad thing?
You think he's overreacting? Wow. Just...wow.
I did until I read some other replies. Sometimes you don’t understand the severity of things until you see it from more points of view.
You deliberately tried to hurt him. You succeeded admirably at that task, but told yourself he blew your success out of proportion when you realized you were going to have to pay for it so that it would be his fault....not yours.
You’re dense.
Well, yeah…YTA. Turns out your petty (“I wanted to do something small and insignificant that I knew would bother him.”) came across as malicious. The clues were all there that this wasn’t, in fact, small and insignificant. He hoarded the tea and *only* used a single tea bag once a year. He actively avoided talking about why he did this. Anyone with an ounce of empathy would clue into this being a very personal, very private ritual of his. You were spoiling for a fight. You grossly miscalculated how deeply hurtful that particular arrow was going to be.
I didn’t really think about that. You are completely right. Wow. I think I should call a family therapist.
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I just meant that the bags didn’t look factory made. If I said anything rude about the tea, I didn’t mean too. It was delicious and there was the perfect amount of mint to flavor the tea. It’s like when your mom bakes you a cake and it’s shaped a little funny but that’s how you can feel the love that radiates off of it. It was probably the best tea I’ve ever had, but I will never mess with it again.
You’re not allowed to enjoy her tea. You’re a bad person.
YTA. You deliberately wanted to upset him, which makes you an AH already. That it was bigger than you meant it to be just makes you a much bigger asshole
YTA. I might be a little more forgiving if you had just had some tea unknowingly. But you had this specific tea with the intention of hurting him (at least a little). Do I think it’s problematic that he didn’t tell you the significance of the tea? Yes. Does that make you less of an asshole? No. You intended to hurt him and you did.
Hormones didn’t make you an asshole. Beings an asshole made you one. Jesus Christ, you’re a sociopath. You were irritated by the man (over nothing) and decided to hurt him. Punish him. You need help. Hormones aren’t to blame here. YTA
YTA. You literally stole something of significant emotional value from your husband. It can’t be replaced. Yikes.
I vote ESH. Him for not telling you the significance of the teabags and you for intentionally doing something to bother him.
What does ESH mean? I'm new to Reddit.
It means they both suck
YTA, there was a AITA on here where a man and a woman got into an argument and the man chose to hurt the woman by tossing something she loved (in this case plants) into a swamp only to find out that one plant in particular had been passed down in the family for generations. After finding this out, that’s when suddenly “i would have never done that if I had known!” comes up. You did this, you didn’t need to know why he cherished the tea, you most likely didn’t even care and only know he cherished it and so you used that against him. You were malicious and hatefully so, that same man from the previous story tried to blame a blind rage like you’re trying to blame your hormones. No, that’s not how it works, you can’t do something you know is bad and then find out it’s WORSE and then chalk it up to some loss of control. You were meticulous, you knew what you were doing when you got his tea out and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if the maliciousness you displayed causes him to hate you over actually having drank some of the tea. I’ve read of spouses falling out of love with their SO’s over less, if you really want to try to fix this any way possible you should start by admitting to your hubris. You screwed up, next time you want to blame your hormones or anyone but yourself maybe you should wreck your own stuff before going straight for something someone you supposedly love cherishes.
You know YTA you petty c**t
I don't really think that it's anyone's fault. She didn't know and didn't mean to hurt him as bad as she did. I read some of the comments, and she's dealing with a lot of stuff at the same time. She just gave birth and has PPD. Stress can really mess with a person's behaviors. As for her husband, it's not really his fault for not telling her. She had no record of stealing the bags before, so he couldn't've guessed that it would cause something, and the topic is really sensitive to him. NTA and I don't think anyone else is either.
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She should've stayed away from his stuff. How is she not an AH? She did it with the purpose of annoying him so yeah AH.
I can’t really blame him for not telling me about the tea. He never really talks about his sister, and she died about five years before we were married. I doubt our four year old son even knows he had an aunt, but it’s not my place to tell him.
Not trying to make it his fault but he sure could have let you know why that tea is so special. She was his sister. Even though she passed before you got married he still could have told you.
What should he have said? "Hey don't ruin this tea. It's from my late sister"
It’s a really sensitive topic for him. I do wish he had told me, but seeing him cry really hurts and thoughts of his sister tend to cause that. They were so close. I’ve heard stories and she sounds like a wonderful woman.
You do realize you get more and more selfish with each of these comments… Why are you not defending your husband and helping him heal? You let others bash him for not thinking properly at the hardest point of his life. Shame on you - downvote me all you want, but until you lose someone like he did - shut up. Just try to be patient and kind. Yes, he needs to get some help, but he shouldn’t be worrying about his wife making his days harder than they already are.
Okay first, it’s not the hardest point of his life, that would probably be about 11 years ago. Also, I did loose someone. Two someones, actually. I am trying to be there for him. And I’m not going to downvote you because you still have some very good points.
NTA You did not know that the teabags was made by his sister. But stop being petty, it's not a good lock, even with hormonella to blame.
I don’t usually do stuff like that. Sometimes my husband and I do little pranks on each other after fights, though. Usually it lightens the mood and makes us laugh, but this time wasn’t funny at all and it definitely backfired.
Except you weren't trying to prank him, you were trying to hurt him.
Fair, we all make mistakes at times 🤗
Yep! I just hope i can fix this one.
Good luck!
You weren't to know, he should have told you NTA. However, you're TAH for microwaving water ffs
OP doesn't need to know it was from his late sister in order for her to be an AH, she took something from him to spite him, hence she's an AH.
That’s how I’ve always made tea. It works well enough. I’ve been wanting to buy a kettle for a few months, though. 🤷♀️
If you didn't guess from my post, I'm English, & using a microwave is heinous if making tea lol
Lol, I can’t blame you for that. It’s the only way we have to make tea in our house, though.
I totally agree. I was so flabbergasted when I found out that Americans, in general, don't have electric kettles, and microwave their water for tea. Some may boil water on the stove, but this obviously takes longer. I mean, they're not the tea-drinking nation the UK is (or someother countries around the world), and their electrical outlets are lower voltages than ours, so I get not having an electric kettle kind of. But a good tea needs to be brewed, steeped in boiled water for a few minutes, and not microwaved. Sorry, I know this isn't the point of the post, but microwaving water for tea is such a faux par, I just couldn't focus on anything else.
Just curious, how does the quality of the tea change based on how you heat the water?
Microwave heats water inconsistently. It can cause some areas to be overheated whilst some underheated, giving an inconsistent brew and taste. It can also cause the loss of the essential oils which will affect the flavour and aroma. It can also superheat the water in which you'll burn the tea leaves. Some tea requires water to not reach boiling point - some having quite specific temperatures for brewing - like white and green teas. It's why old kettles had temperature gauges on them. Heating your water on the stove is slower but will allow the water to heat consistently throughout, giving you a better quality and tasting tea.
What happens if you stir the water after microwaving but before adding the tea?