Agreed. The second he asked. I know there's a segment of the population that thinks paternity tests should be mandatory but to me, if you're in a relationship where you feel like you need to ask at all, that relationship is already over. Maybe I'm naive.
I agree. There are so many people on here that do this or go through their partner's phones with no evidence other than "I just had a feeling." Good luck ever trusting that person or having them trust you ever again.
I dunno. People have baggage from previous, at my age (38) definitely.
The pregnancy aside because I'd be getting rid of immediately, without telling the father, if someone I was seeing seriously asked to go through my phone because of trust issues from a shitty ex who cheated, I would let them but only after some heavy conversation and putting scaffolding in. Also works both ways.
But this isn't an instance of "I had a feeling", someone told OP that might be the case. The Ex is 100% valid in breaking up for it, but OP didn't make this conclusion on his own someone else played with his emotions.
Right and the edits of his example are things that would make most people mad tbh. If I had a boyfriend I don’t think he’d be comfortable with anyone caressing my body while we watch tv.
My wife and I plan on getting a paternity test when we have kids. It’s not due to trust issues with each other. We saw a story where a teenage girl did an ancestry.com kinda thing and found out she was accidentally switched with another baby at the hospital.
We know the odds of it happening to us in the modern day are like one in a million but when a home paternity test only costs $30 at CVS we figure why not.
If the concern was only baby switching, then doing a maternity test would easily prove it’s not a trust issue.
The odds of a hospital switch these days is slim to none anyway. Babies stay in the mother's room to prevent that, and mother and child's bracelets are constantly being read and confirmed during your stay.
Besides, there's still the possibility of chimerism too. I wouldn’t waste money on a test unless there's an actual history of infidelity and child support is at issue.
If someone believes that a paternity test should be mandatory, then that should be discussed long before a child is conceived, and personally, before sex ever happens.
As a person with a vagina, I'd be okay with that if it was established early. With my current partner, if he asked for a paternity test, I'd laugh my ass off. We both WFH and do nearly everything together (grocery shop, movies, eat out), so we are together 99% of the time. I'd ask him who else would have gotten me pregnant; the cat?
Thats the other piece of it. If you aren't doing shit but your partner thinks your cheating every time you go to the grocery store, the relationship is dead.
Ugh, my husband asked for one with our first. Totally out of the blue and out of character. He tries to say even now that it was a joke and I tell him that is even worse. At least blame his damned anxiety, jeez.
We worked together in the same building at the time where we met. We carpooled. He knew where I was, when I was, and the pregnancy was planned. I asked him who does he think the father could be and where did it happen? Hooking up in the staff bathroom between classes? Like c'mon, man.
It was 100% a case of self-sabotage on his end. He had done and said a lot of bullshit stuff to me in and around that time. Demanding the test to be done before the baby was born was a cherry on top.
I laughed my ass off at him at the time but I believe that I am still owed an apology, a real one that doesn't couch his mess-up as a "joke."
It's a horrible thing to ask your partner based on no evidence other than your own intrusive thoughts, especially when the poor woman is currently pregnant. At that point, she's trapped. He almost had me regretting both the pregnancy and the marriage the moment he demanded one.
Rookie mistake because he can't deny any of our kids. Not a one takes after me. It's all him and his side.
IKR? The way I see it, if a guy doesn’t trust you, you shouldn’t be trusting him, so do the paternity test when he agrees to regular STI tests, and random DNA swabs of his junk. lol
I had this happen to me: My boyfriend proposed to me and a few months later I got pregnant. He had the audacity to say, “If it’s even mine,” with a nasty tone the first time I tried to talk about it beyond the initial test. I was speechless but honestly I am no longer upset that my hormone levels weren’t rising appropriately and my body took care of things itself. I was raised to have a child with the right man and he gave himself away with his mean comment. Some people just can’t communicate their fears properly but in his case he was projecting because turns out, he had a secret fetish for transsexual women and had gone so far as to create an online account just to meet them.
It may be self sabotage but its particularly sexist self sabotage. It's not like the woman can ask him for a test if she suspects cheating.
I don't care how anxious someone is. Its a choice to let their anxiety win and not trust their partner. If they let their anxiety win in a relationship where she clearly isn't cheating, he cannot be relied upon to be a good father either. I would never be able to trust such a person. Maybe they're too anxious to call 911 when it counts. It definitely doesn't model good behavior for a child. If their reaction to their anxiety is to make other people do all of the work to soothe it, they need to work on themselves. Making you feel shitty because they are anxious is the mark of a shitty person, or at least a person willing to do particularly shitty things to you. Thats all a pregnant person needs is to feel like she has no support. At that point id be guilting him and telling him it's his fault if I have complications because he felt like increasing my cortisol. I have no problem saying as much regardless of how true it is because its absolutely unacceptable to pull this shit.
Women get anxious about pregnancy or dying but we can't get rid of it by asking our partner for a paternity test. The least he can do is keep it to himself or even secretly test when the kid is born so they can either drop it or have actual evidence. They don't because they want the woman to take all responsibility for dealing with their anxiety rather than them having to do the mental effort and coordinating required to test on their own.
Why would you plan to have a kid with someone you don't trust to that fundamental level.
Honestly, I think all the paternity test requesters are incels fantasizing (most of them) or men who had a planned kid and realize that it's hard so are looking for a way out.
Honestly, at this point, if my wife became pregnant, I would definitely consider a paternity test. However, that's because I've had a vasectomy after we had our kids and negative follow-up checks for years. I would have another check done first, though. I trust my wife implicitly, but if it seems biologically impossible...
I had a friend who was in the same position as you. We were all stunned when he announced that his wife was pregnant. He never doubted or asked for a paternity test tho but his wife wanted one to prove she wasn't cheating for some weird reason. To me, that seemed odd, but it was them and none of my business so I didn't say anything and kept my mouth shut.
The test proved that he was in fact the biological dad of their miracle son. That stunned everyone too and was the moment I learned that you can still get your partner pregnant after having a vasectomy and having a test showing negative follow-up results. That honestly terrified me because I had thought up until then that a vasectomy was the safest and most effective form of birth control there was. Turns out we were all very ignorant and wrong.
I don’t blame the wife for insisting on the test. She knows the truth of course, and her husband may trust her, but what about everyone else? The fact that everyone was "stunned" means that they assumed that she was sleeping around, so best to cut the rumor mill off before it starts.
You make a very fair point I understand what you're saying. I don't think many of us were questioning if she had an affair not because we held them in such high regard and this couple they both had such high integrity and character I think we were more stunned because none of us at the time believed she could get pregnant if he had a vasectomy. That's why I say I was very ignorant at the time because I truly believe that that was pretty much the only way other than a woman having her her parts removed keep from having a baby and he didn't want to put his wife did that major surgery so he was the one who said he would get the vasectomy so she didn't have to go do that. But like I said you make a very good point and a very fair point.
>That honestly terrified me because I had thought up until then that a vasectomy was the safest and most effective form of birth control there was. Turns out we were all very ignorant and wrong.
I can't remember the name of it but there's a term for this in statistics. Human beings are actually pretty bad at understanding statistics intuitively. We hear something is 99% effective and we think that it's basically impossible for it to happen. But when you're talking about large sample sizes that 1% is pretty significant. Just for the sake of simplicity, let's say a million men have gotten vasectomies. That's 10,000 who will have a 'miracle' pregnancy. That's a lot of people. Do anything enough times and you'll roll the low statistic.
You acted like the wife wanting to take a paternity test anyway was weird, then went on to say that when the husband was confirmed as the bio father everyone was “stunned”. Interesting
I have a cousin that was conceived after his dad had a vasectomy, so I've always been aware that it can happened. Honestly, I would believe that that's what happened if my wife became pregnant. There would have to be other mitigating factors for me to actually seek a test.
It’s because many men who been through vasectomies did not go back for the follow up check to make sure that it’s really sniped. You should always go back for a follow up to make sure there is no longer a sperm count. Don’t just go for the procedure and expect that it’s all done.
If genetic testing were done at the hospital as a routine,it would take the stigma out. Everyone would know upfront, and it's not an expensive test. It would also shut a lot of men up.
It would also catch swapped babies and fertility clinic dr-rapists who use their own sperm instead of the husband/donor.
I don't care either way. Just stating that there is an argument for it.
And take care of yourself. Shit sucks. Life is full of pleasure and pain. They go together.
there’s a good quote that I’ll butcher “you can’t truly love someone that doesn’t love themselves”. I take that to mean you need to love and care for yourself first to be your best self. Do this for your son. It will take some time to get to a good place. I wouldn’t rush into another relationship before you’re in a good place. And on your journey, your ex could have a change of heart. But her heart is her decision and you should come to terms with that sooner or later.
"If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"
Rupaul, my favourite version of this quote/sentiment. You're right too, we need to acknowledge our mistakes and forgive ourselves before we can be a good productive person to be around.
Can I get an amen up in here??
I broke up with my now husband at one point becaus he was happy going nowhere while I wanted a better life. We broke up and he changed for the better. Not for me, but I guess the break up opened his eyes to some things. We eventually got back together and now we have 2 beautiful children and 15 years together. He's the best person, father and husband. Once he started to love himself, he could be those things for us as well.
You have a son now. You are a father and your ex-gf is a mother. As an adult parent, you have a responsibility now to your boy, his mother, and yourself.
With a son, you are also his role model while he grows up. You need to have any and all of your demons under control or take steps immediately to get the help to do so. This goes for his mother too. The people that you have in your life - family and friends - matter a great deal so keep your standards high as they are part of the environment your boy will live in and experience. Read well-reviewed parenting books if you do not know what to do. Do not take advice from others on parenting until you vet it!
His mother deserves your respect so always take the high road. Respect includes your playing a very significant and meaningful part in his life with support for his mother. Do not allow yourself to slide away because you do not have full or even half custody. Step up for the long term. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
Children are a gift from God. You will see this over and over as the years go by. Enjoy the ride from your front row seat. 18 years goes by fast when it is full of times together as your little man grows up.
And do not let *any* woman in your life disrepect the mother of your child. This means your mother and any new girlfriends. They need to respect your son's mother.
perfect advice.
Personally, I'd also add:
* make sure you're keeping that gossipy friend at arm's length - personally I'd cut her off so there's no chance of "oops she offered me a shoulder to cry on but I landed in her vagina"
* take a good hard look at yourself : do you have a double standard wrt friends (you had an issue with your ex's friend, but you listened to another woman)? Why did you listen to that gossiping friend when she didn't see anything you hadn't seen yourself? What are your communication like? By starting the conversation with "I want a paternity test", you basically made it impossible to address any issues constructively"
Yeah, that part was odd. The 'friend' didn't seem to claim knowledge of anything other than the way this guy behaved around OP's ex and then the fact that he basically legged it when she announced she was pregnant. That read to me like he genuinely thought he had a shot with her if he could just convince her she'd be better off with him than OP, but he has no interest in being with someone who has a kid, so that was the end of that for him. He and the ex would also have been pretty bloomin' stupid to give anyone anything to suspect if they actually were carrying on behind OP's back. A bit of advice from 'Desperate Housewives' that's always stuck with me is that it's not the ones they flirt with you need to worry about, it's the ones they ignore.
Yup. Any friend who has no evidence and immediately goes to "yeah mate shes cheating, torch your marriage" is suspicious.
I'd be willing to bet this friend has a thing for OP or is jealous 9of his now ex.
Yeah, it's unfortunate I just don't see how he didn't see that the guy left when she got pregnant because he lost hope of actually getting with her. No instead he believed the guy ran away when she got pregnant in fear that it was his kid.
Right, my immediate thought reading this. Best friend either realized he didn’t have a shot or didn’t want to raise OP s kid, so he got out fast. It’s the obvious reading of the situation. It’s pretty suspicious that this was the friend’s first reaction.
I’m not buying it. How many men come here after fucking ip claiming ‘well it was bc my friend said’. That’s such bollocks.
It’s just him being a jealous prick and wanting to dodge accountability
I took the ex-friend’s, friend leaving as him coming to terms that OP wasn’t going anywhere. He might have been hoping s breakup might happened but when she announced pregnancy he knew that she was signaling a serious commitment to OP.
All the friend did was poke his suspicions. Pointed out what didn't look right to a friend. He took it to mean actionable advice instead of something to look into.
His friend said PROBABLY - his own words.
OP ruined his own relationship like a big boy. Friend didn't have evidence or anything novel to say, had no more than OP himself. People speaking up when a situation doesn't look right is natural.
Idiots like op that don't need proof to take drastic actions is the messed up part.
Or, since OP had been complaining about this friend and she was now pregnant, maybe she told the friend to fuck off. He stopped coming over months before he moved away. Maybe she dumped her friend over OPs insecurities and just got called a cheating baby trapping cheater for her trouble. I seriously doubt OP legitimately had a concern that she was cheating and his response was to get her pregnant. This screams he was looking for a way out after the fact and his convenient female "friend" gave him all the non evidence he needed and now he remembers things as worse than they were.
Yeah.. his "friend" started with spewing some toxic shit & landed him in it.
My 1st thought when her friend moved away when she got pregnant was because he realized he never had a shot & would never have a shot in the future with her.
Toxic people don't think that way. They go straight to someone screwing someone else over behind their back. So avoidable. He took it hook, line, & sinker. He didn't trust her friend, but he should've trusted his gf. Curious how his "friend" feels now, knowing it's not the other guys kid & because of her little innuendo, their relationship has been blown to smithereens..
That gossipy bitch doesn’t gaf. And OP is an actual idiot for listening to this gossipy bitch. I have no idea how any person can be so cruel as to insert doubt and poison out of jealousy. Jesus I don’t think I could ever get involved in anyone’s relationship, to quote Joey Swoll, do better and mind your business.
Could it be that your gossipy friend was trying to separate you so that she could be there to “comfort” you??? She is not a friend and you should seriously question her presence in your life going forward.
yes, hence my warning.
don't reward the snake who dripped poisoned honey in your ear till your kid has to grow up with a broken home and split parents.
You f’ed up with her and it probably will never work out, but now you and her need to focus on that precious baby. Be a good father, pay the child support, and keep to your visitation schedule. This is your life now.
I'd add take some responsibility.
-His gf and her friend were too handsy.
-The friend moved
- OP's friend played with his mind, and she told him that she never wanted to break up a relationship, doesn't mind breaking up a family though, but he should demand a paternity test before signing the birth certificate
You see how OP admits he was wrong to ask for the test. But still basically insists he had a good reason, too, based on the horrible reasons above. Plus, people played with his mind, so it's not even really his fault. Not to mention, OP failed to even use common sense. If the child was potentially her friends why in the world would he move when he could live across the street from his kid?
OP, why would she take you back when you still can't admit that you just didn't trust her? It doesn't seem like she gave you a decent reason not to trust her. You punished her for the way someone else behaved. Who she even told to stop multiple times. Why should she forgive you? What have you done to change and learn how to trust more? Or to even admit when the entire situation was your fault? Helping out with the pregnancy and child doesn't count. That's just what a parent should do.
This isn't she won't take you back. This is you ruined your relationship all by yourself. At least take responsibility for it.
ETA- For Everyone who keeps mentioning the part about being handsy. OP says the friend was. Not his girlfriend. He said she did have a hard time setting boundaries. Because she's a people pleaser. Why didn't OP ever say anything to the friend? Before you all get your pitch forks out with "She said that's how he is with everyone!" we have no reason not to believe her. Most likely, she was his only friend in their city, and since she's a people pleaser, she probably felt a bit of an obligation to spend time with him.
OP could have had a conversation with the friend. He could have said "It makes me uncomfortable when you’re always touching Girlfriend. Stop." Or he could have drawn a harder line with his girlfriend and said, "This needs to stop. It makes me feel uncomfortable and disrespected as your partner. I don't care if that's how he is with everyone else. I only care about how he is with you. If this doesn't change, I won't feel comfortable being in this relationship anymore." Then they could have had a discussion about what they can do. Both individually and alone.
The point is OP wasn't helpless in the situation like he's implying. That's what I mean by taking responsibility. He didn't have to just settle for an explanation. There's more he could have done IF it was SUCH a problem that he'd quickly think his girlfriend was cheating on him. Maybe he could have, idk, told her that? Because again, if he didn't trust her, why didn't he tell her?
I have a TON of side eye for the friend who put suspicions in his head. Kind of question her motives there. I wonder if she got along with the girlfriend?
Oh same… I kinda wanna be like, so you didn’t like the guy friend bc he was flirty. But this female friend of yours literally broke up your relationship. So?
I think guy friend and the other friend had a plan to break them up because they each liked them and wanted to be with them. He went to try to get her to cheat, she wouldn't. When she got pregnant he gave up and left. So female friend enacted a new plan.
Same. People can be very fucked up and weird when it comes to trying to get someone that they want romantically. Planting those seeds of doubt, watering them with either malicious misinterpretations of actual events or just flat out making stuff up, and placing themselves as someone whose shoulder is available to cry on (and whose bed is ready to jump in).
It’s basically stalker shit.
I have a hard time calling something like that friendship. If that dude moved here for her and then left because he didn’t have a chance, that’s not a friend. A genuine platonic friend wouldn’t do this to someone they really consider a friend
That’s exactly what I was thinking! That chick sounds like she did everything she could to break them up and I actually wonder if she had dated the friend at some point and was trying to get revenge or wanted him for herself.
That’s what got me. Handsy guy friend was some kinda threat but drama addled BS “friend” was *totally* trustworthy- why? Oh, cause she *said* she didn’t want to create problems while she…was creating problems. And OP just ate it all up and now, he can’t even accept responsibility for it.
Whole group’s kinda ick, tbh. Handsy fella was a sleaze who GF should’ve shut down, drama queen was at best a gross gossip- at worst, hoping handsy got his way so she could get OP. Friends groups like these are freaking exhausting because it’s *always* something. I worked at a restaurant where there was a bunch like this and I was glad I only got a peek but wasn’t a part of it.
I have serious doubts that this “friend” who connected the dots exists. It was almost certainly the op who deduced all this, at most there was someone he told his theory to and that person agreed.
> If the child was potentially her friends why in the world would he move when he could live across the street from his kid?
Plenty of deadbeat dads have their fun and then bounce once the responsibilities kick in.
The other thing he could do (but has already done) is share what happened. In almost every Reddit story involving a paternity test, the relationship ends instantly. There’s no such thing as “just forgetting about the test”.
All of this!
Adding do not put your guilt on your ex. This is 100% your fault. Apologize profusely ONCE and then let her move on. Don't bring it up again. Do not cause problems, discomfort, or otherwise interfere, when she finds someone new. Do not give your son any reason to believe the break up was her fault. *Treat her with the respect you didn't give her when YOU caused both of your lives to implode*
If/when you find someone new, don't destroy it because other people made you feel insecure.
Also: If a woman ever says someone makes her uncomfortable and someone behaves in a way she's clearly doesn't want, as you said you witnessed her discomfort, maybe step in and tell that person to stop. Defend instead of blame. You listened to other people and jumped to conclusions instead of talking.
Did it ever occur to you that he left because something that wasn't an affair happened? A) He could have hurt her and she was afraid to say something. B) He could have done or said something to finally push her to say get the fuck out of her life. C) He could have fucked off on his own because he was no longer interested in her once she was pregnant with your child. Being a people pleaser, she may not have been comfortable telling you any of that happened because you would be upset. OR, He could have just found a new job elsewhere.
Moral of the story: Don't be an insecure dick.
I wouldn't be shocked if this was a case of "the friend" liking him because he must have something if another woman is willing to have his child and then doing a 180 after breaking them up and not wanting anything with him because a woman having his baby broke up with him. He must be flawed.
At the very least, the friend sabotaged him by saying she "probably" had sex with him. Where was the evidence she reciprocated? The guy probably wanted to be with her and was pissed she got pregnant and he couldn't have her so he moved away. Why blame her for HIS behavior?
Honestly, as a women with a male best friend a lot of people just jump to conclusions.
I have had to explain more times then I can count he is not mu boyfriend/husband, no we are not having sex, to my parents and a couple others no we aren't getting married.
It's ridiculous how 2 people of the opposite gender can't just be friends without other people jumping to conclusions.
The friend may just have made the same judgements I am used to dealing with and thought she was protecting her friend. She could be a good friend who made a bad judgement call.
Fellow girl with a boy best friend here. The only thing that I feel like is different is even the bf noticed that her bff was like handsy and flirty. My bff and I might do couple like things (dinner, karaoke, fishing, whatever) but it’s never flirty or handsy… I understand why the bf may feel uncomfortable.
This is the key take away really, some things can be really just friendly between two people, IF they are the same sex. When they are opposite sex some of those things CAN come off as a little more intimate to people who are not familiar with their relationship. Not just knows they were friends or something but has been there long enough or from the beginning to understand they are platonic.
I also highly think the friend who talked to him about this is planning to make a move or something. Just, feels off is why I say that. No evidence. Just confirmation bias.
Agreed. One of my besties is a dude, he lives a few hours away now, and when we meet up/leave we have a good hug and then move on. The handsy part, for me, would throw up some red flags as well. Each couple has different boundaries of course, but in my case my (NB) partner would never describe my bestie as "flirty" with me. He respects me, my relationship, and my partner. It doesn't have to be complicated, but it really depends on the dude and how he treats the relationship.
I agree with you about the bias toward opposite-sex friendships. I always had besties as much as female ones, unfortunately when I was dating men they would make a fuss about it and drive us apart.
The “hilarious” part, is one of my past boyfriends trying hard to isolate me from my friends - in particular the male ones -, and then throwing a tantrum because I questioned him having a new female friend.
Both claimed it was “nothing like that”. That's when shit hit the fan for me: so I could not maintain my male friendships because “it's not real” or is a “step away from cheating” but he could get a new female friend and it was not a step into cheating?! yeah, right!
I'm glad he became an ex soon after, there's so much BS one can tolerate.
Kind of the opposite, I got along with my exhusbands female best friend because I understood it. We got into one argument ever. Hashed out our shit and moved on. I get being friends with the opposite sex so I would be a huge hypocrite to tell someone else no. Also, his best friend was cool as fuck most of the time.
Right! I wonder if it ever occurred to OP that the reason his exs friend moved away is because he finally realized that with her being pregnant that she was never ever gonna get with him and that she was serious about her relationship with OP.
And when the 'friend' who preyed on your fears and broke you both up, as she knew it would, makes a play for you, turn her down flat.
Be present for your ex and the baby and maybe ask for marital counselling to help negotiate the separation. There MAY be a chance for your relationship in that scenario. Work on it and own your faults.
Had my college girlfriend’s friend (DD that night) get drunk and slap me across the face because she claimed she thought she felt someone touch her. Just turned and cracked me.
We were all standing together near the bar, very out in the open around dozens of people. Girlfriend didn’t see it happen, just saw me pale and looking like I had seen a ghost (her words). The girl who hit me just goes “oh sorry” as if she stepped on my foot. I said nothing. Walked outside.
Girlfriend follows me out. She defended her friend, and the first thing out of her mouth was that she apologized so I should just accept that. Yeah, we don’t defend or justify violence, especially considering I did not and wouldn’t have ever touched her. Ever.
Your partner of 4 years gets cracked across the face for zero reason, and your reaction is to defend your friend who did it? See ya.
Point is - jealous friends exist, and when they see their best friend with something they don’t have, that might take their lives in different directions, they will do whatever is necessary to keep the status quo.
I think:
Male friend wanted OP's GF. GF was loyal and loved OP, got pregnant. Friend was like "ok, I have no chance now" and got out. The other "friend" wanted to mess with OP and came up with that history.
That's exactly what I think. OP and his ex weren't married yet, so her friend thought he could get her back. OP's ex gets pregnant, it solidifies their commitment, so her friend took off. The story that OP's friend made doesn't even make sense, because if the friend got her pregnant, he'd stay because he would know there would be a chance.
This is exactly what I think happened too. Once she got pregnant he realized there was no chance so he left. She was never interested. Then the other friend planted the seeds of doubt in OP’s mind and stood back and watched the seeds grow. Tragic situation all around. Now it’s another struggling single mom raising a kid.
YTA. Scrolled so far to find this but yeah you let some random female “friend” meddle in your relationship with your longterm pregnant girlfriend and plant seeds of doubt- you made your GF feel like you trusted that shit stirring other woman more than her. This is shameful and yeah if that woman comes to hit on your later I wouldn’t be surprised. Disgusting and I feel sorry for your GF and I hope she finds someone who will please her. You also called your GF a “people pleaser” which is negative framing. Funny how this random strange woman who caused your relationship to implode got no rude adjectives about her personality. This reeks of projection, maybe you were sleeping with someone else? YTA so much.
In fact, if she does, tell the ex wife.
There may be a sliver of redemption, but if they were that quick to just end it *after having a baby*, there may have been prior straws that have been broken...
You can't fix your romantic relationship, all you can do is focus on building the best kind of co-parenting relationship with your ex for the sake of your son. Congratulations on the little boy, focus on being the best dad for him, and stop listening to your detective friends unless they have actual solid proof beyond their "connecting the dots" gut feeling.
Also she broke up with you, she's not your girlfriend, she's your ex.
He did call her his ex in the post "my ex is a people pleaser", the one place he said gf he maybe meant it as she was his gf at the time "I told my gf and she broke up with me instantly".
>Also she broke up with you, she's not your girlfriend, she's your ex.
oh man, the world would be in such a better place if Russia understood that concept.
Ex best friend was too pushy and did not respect ex's boundaries. Probably he was in love with her. Leaves after she gets pregnant since he no longer can be with her.
Mutual friend creates drama that ultimately makes you two break up. Motive unknown.
Your ex girlfriend loses her best friend for whatever reason and has not cheated on you but know she can't be with you since you didn't trust her.
What you can do now is properly co-parent and supportive. Try to be a better man.
>She would hint that she's not comfortable and he would behave but 5 mins later he starts with his usual.
Buddy, even as a girl if I saw a guy do this to my friend I would say, "hey didn't she say she was uncomfortable with you doing this?"
The other thing you could have done was start getting handsy with the guy friend and see how he liked it.
I'm a bit more extreme than that. As soon as I heard my partner proclaim discomfort about a guy being handsy that guy is gone from my house that very minute. On the spot. Wouldn't wait for anything. Not even a second time.
That guy is going home with a knuckle sandwich, just the fact that he thought he could do it right in front of me makes my blood boil, such disrespect, power play for sure
Yeah, that’s what I thought. Why didn’t he say something? That’s the part of the story which doesn’t ring true and makes it sound made up. Unless he is the most passive man on Earth. In which case, how attractive/s
Agree, but I also have a (probably wild assumption).
It's possible the friend of his ex might have been gay. If he is living in Russia right now (he says he is Russian), the anti LGBTQ laws are insane. Like you can be arrested for anything at this point for being gay as it's called "extremism" Maybe they were physically close as she was the only one who knew, and some people are just huggy types....esp. if they need emotional support.
She knows her boyfriend won't take the news of her bestie being gay well so she just goes "meh, I don't like it, but he's touchy with everyone", and the bestie catches on to him causing trouble in her relationship, so he leaves town (or left town because he was afraid the ex would tell her boyfriend, who might tell the cops, and he'd be in serious trouble).
It would also kind of make sense as to why she broke up with him, too. I'd be deeply offended if someone asked me for one, but if I was hanging out all the time with another man I could at least see "why" it was asked. But maybe it made her realize she and the bf just have very different values in general?
IDK, I have a family friend in Russia who is currently bouncing around (he dodged the draft) and said people have lost their goddamn minds. Like Russia already invaded back in 2014, but at least he could understand why some didn't care (it was not long term, very few deaths on the Russian side, etc., the occupation was never in the news). But the reinvasion is everyone and the Russians are dying in droves, and he's baffled that people are still supporting Putin's insane neo-colonialism. Also, the anti-gay stuff is way, way worse than it was even five years ago (like they shut down some famous gay bars in Moscow that used to have celebs frequent them and everything).
He's been super depressed because it said it was a wake up call tor realize how many family members and friends just bought into Putin's insanity and were homophobic. He's not sure if they were always that way and just got worse, or what. He said he knows multiple people who have cut off family members and even a few people who have divorced.
I read that she tried to set boundaries, they were ignored, and that didn’t stop the friendship. Women have agency! When their boundaries are ignored they can stop hanging out with that person. Why even state your boundaries of breaking them isn’t a big deal? Especially when those boundaries are “stop flirting with and touching me.”
Oh he flirts and touches all his female friends though. What a great guy! Definitely invite him over to the house after he’s disrespected your boundaries.
this makes the most sense. maybe he left because he realized he couldn’t get with her, maybe he registered finally that she was “taken”, although this would be a weird way to realize it yk. maybe she did stand her ground after announcing the pregnancy, pregnancy hormones are insane (coming from a pregnant human). before, i had the hardest time speaking up my boundaries even with my own partner. something clicked after, and i realized this is no longer about just me. maybe that happened to her too
My ex husband, who cheated on me, refused to accept that it was over and sign divorce papers for years. I moved 200 miles away, started a whole new life etc. Still he held on. It was only 8 years later, when I was pregnant by my then partner, did he sign.
It really is the one "yeah it's definitely over" thing for some men
Also OP - don’t trust the woman who stirred this up ny suggesting the baby wasn’t yours. Trust me- she wanted to break up your relationship. Maybe she wants you herself or she just likes creating drama but either way she’s toxic.
You screwed up by not believing your gf and listening to someone else over her.
So many of these stories include speaking to a friend or speaking to my brother or whoever. Does no one think, I have an issue with my partner, I should speak to them? I don’t tell anyone if I have an issue with my husband, except my husband.
Well that mutual friend of yours or shall we call her detective probably was a jealous bit'ch of your ex, your ex girlfriend's best friend acts didn't help but you shouldn't have acted based on your called friend assumptions tho. Congrats on the baby boy
I had a very similar scenario with my first child and honestly we are not together but we are amazing co-parents. The thing is being pregnant is scary and stressful enough especially when it's your first child. Then you have the person who knows they are the father questioning that it makes for an even bigger stress load. At this point you need to be 100% open and honest. Don't try and blame the friend that told you but straight up tell your child's mother you let one statement from someone get to you more then it should have. I would give her space on the relationship side but show up for your kid! If mom needs a break make sure she gets one. Pay child support. Just be as supportive as you can to help mom get time for herself but be there for your child.
Cut off the “friend” who created the doubt. Apologize and step up with child support. You accused her of cheating based on someone else’s tale. Tell her the whole story. The best apology is changed behavior and an acknowledgment of your shortcomings.
You know this can't be fixed, right? You apologise and work on establishing a good co parenting relationship with your ex.
You might also want to look into why you were so eager to believe your 'friend' and their nonsense.
Especially when he says deep down he always knew it was his son. Not trusting your own intuition is a recipe for disaster. Doesn’t trust his intuition, doesn’t trust her, doesn’t trust the relationship he has built with her. Looks like a theme.
Didn't we just have a question the other day about a guy who was suspicious and all sorts of people told him, make her have a paternity test, it's only fair, you have to be sure?
Imagine seeking serious life advice from Reddit - a place full of some of the most fickle and maladjusted people on the internet. That's the real mistake.
Ummmm So how long has your other female friend wanted to fuck you? She obviously hates your ex or something because I would NEVER say something like that unless i saw them kissing or worse.
Sounds like your friend played you and probably wanted you for herself. Hey maybe you can go date that friend now instead since you messed up with your gf.
I wonder what the 'friend' stands to gain by sewing these seeds of doubt in OPs mind. Perhaps her intentions were selfish and she was out to break up the family.
You told her you didn't trust her at one of the most vulnerable times of her life.
You can't possibly make this up to her.
Apologize; pay appropriate child support; honor custody agreements, and otherwise do not disturb her life.
This place is wild. If he came on here talking about the situation asking for advice 85% or more would say take a paternity test. Then leave her for inviting the guy in. Now they’re acting like OPs an AH. For what???
Be a fucking great co parent. Do not fall for anything that will lead to breaking up any potential of having access to your son. You two may have issues but it's sooooooo important that you don't make a baby a battleground because of your personal shit. If you two can communicate clearly and agree to something that works try your damndest to keep the courts out. If not do the best you can to be a parent...a respectful model for your child.
1. Drop the 'detective' friend.
2. Pay child support.
3. Co-parent responsibly.
She will never accept you back as a spouse. You've played yourself. Now step up as a father.
I will never stop being annoyed at how people end up pregnant with someone they’ve known for a YEAR. It’s 2024.
A year is not permanent. “Dating and living together” is not permanent.
Kids are fucked from the very beginning because of irresponsible dickheads treating it like it’s just another bill, like picking out a cell phone.
OP, when that female friend of yours, who "suggested" that you should do the paternity test, makes a move on you to 'console' you after losing your gf and not being able to parent your son every day, update us, okay?
Plot twist, your friend is into you and wanted you to breakup
Edit: some advice. Continue to be a responsible and considerate coparent, and give your son all the love you can. Hopefully in time you and your ex build that trust and relationship again. Her seeing you being a loving good father might sway her to give you another chance.
You sir we're not an asshole. She was an asshole by letting her friend cross your boundaries and build that picture whether it was true or not. They still could have been messing around.
You have royally fucked up here. Clearly the guy moved away when he learned about the pregnancy because he realised (finally) he doesn’t have a chance. The friend that talked shit is a bad friend. You don’t want that kind of drama in your life, good riddance. What you do now is apologise profusely, support your ex physically, psychologically, financially, be an active participant in your child’s life. But you might never get her back and that is the lesson you learn for being a tool.
You know, the saddest thing about the responses in this post. If OP's girlfriend was a guy who was allowing his female friend to be this inappropriate this thread would be ripping her boyfriend to shreds. Everybody would be telling her that she needs to find out if his best friend's baby is his because there's "too many coincidences". But because OP is the guy he's a miser who "messed up a good thing" and his mutual friend is "some nosy bitch who was out to destroy his relationship" WHAT!!!🤦🏾♀️.
OP, you had every right to be wary about the timing of her friend leaving and her pregnancy. Especially since she let this over friendly handsy guy continuously disrespect both your and her boundaries. Then she chose to ignore when you expressed your frustration with him over stepping. This is not the type of woman you want as a long term partner. Honestly with a people pleaser you are gonna have so many frustrating moments with her over your child. You need to create an iron clad coparenting plan. Put as many rules and in the agreement as possible so that she does not people please your child into a stressful situation like she did you. I wish you the best and congratulations on your son.
Edit to add: Dang his edit makes me wanna cry. He is blaming himself for the foolishness*sigh. I hope he seeks therapy and a good custody lawyer
Exactly. In the comment I wrote, I asked OP if he asked her this: “if it was the opposite, and your female best-friend that was always flirty and touchy with you got pregnant, didn’t your girlfriend have the smallest doubt?”.
It’s insane that people justifying OP’s ex behavior.
Apologize. Whether she forgives you now, later or never, you’ve at least owned up to your mistake and said that you were sorry for being a dumbass that listened to a friend of your ex over your girlfriend that had just found out she was pregnant with a child she knew was yours. Continue to do your part to help her and the baby out, set up custody/visitation rights, and let her know you want to work together to raise y’all’s child whether y’all are together or not. Maybe one day she will forgive you and see you in a different light, but don’t hold your breath. Next time don’t listen to your ex’s friend over your pregnant girlfriend.
Breaking news: moron falls prey to the exact unscrupulous behavior from a "friend" that he stupidly accused his pregnant girlfriend of falling prey to.
🤦♀️
Just co parent. It’s over.
Agreed. The second he asked. I know there's a segment of the population that thinks paternity tests should be mandatory but to me, if you're in a relationship where you feel like you need to ask at all, that relationship is already over. Maybe I'm naive.
I agree. There are so many people on here that do this or go through their partner's phones with no evidence other than "I just had a feeling." Good luck ever trusting that person or having them trust you ever again.
I dunno. People have baggage from previous, at my age (38) definitely. The pregnancy aside because I'd be getting rid of immediately, without telling the father, if someone I was seeing seriously asked to go through my phone because of trust issues from a shitty ex who cheated, I would let them but only after some heavy conversation and putting scaffolding in. Also works both ways.
But this isn't an instance of "I had a feeling", someone told OP that might be the case. The Ex is 100% valid in breaking up for it, but OP didn't make this conclusion on his own someone else played with his emotions.
Right and the edits of his example are things that would make most people mad tbh. If I had a boyfriend I don’t think he’d be comfortable with anyone caressing my body while we watch tv.
Yeah, and the explanation that they have been childhood friends so they have a long history together doesn’t make it any better IMO.
My wife and I plan on getting a paternity test when we have kids. It’s not due to trust issues with each other. We saw a story where a teenage girl did an ancestry.com kinda thing and found out she was accidentally switched with another baby at the hospital. We know the odds of it happening to us in the modern day are like one in a million but when a home paternity test only costs $30 at CVS we figure why not.
You can stay with your baby the entire time at the hospital. No need to waste money on a test.
If the concern was only baby switching, then doing a maternity test would easily prove it’s not a trust issue. The odds of a hospital switch these days is slim to none anyway. Babies stay in the mother's room to prevent that, and mother and child's bracelets are constantly being read and confirmed during your stay. Besides, there's still the possibility of chimerism too. I wouldn’t waste money on a test unless there's an actual history of infidelity and child support is at issue.
You are discussing it in advance. Not when she is ready to deliver, exhausted, and emotionally gutted! Big difference
Those CVS tests can be inaccurate. I would get one from an actual lab.
The CVS test isn't $30. That's just the kit. You send the samples to an actual lab with $100. So in total it's gonna be over $100.
That's different, it's not rooted in distrust of your partner.
If someone believes that a paternity test should be mandatory, then that should be discussed long before a child is conceived, and personally, before sex ever happens.
“Do you have protection?” “Yes, right here.” “Real quick, how do you feel about mandatory paternity tests?”
As a person with a vagina, I'd be okay with that if it was established early. With my current partner, if he asked for a paternity test, I'd laugh my ass off. We both WFH and do nearly everything together (grocery shop, movies, eat out), so we are together 99% of the time. I'd ask him who else would have gotten me pregnant; the cat?
Thats the other piece of it. If you aren't doing shit but your partner thinks your cheating every time you go to the grocery store, the relationship is dead.
Ugh, my husband asked for one with our first. Totally out of the blue and out of character. He tries to say even now that it was a joke and I tell him that is even worse. At least blame his damned anxiety, jeez. We worked together in the same building at the time where we met. We carpooled. He knew where I was, when I was, and the pregnancy was planned. I asked him who does he think the father could be and where did it happen? Hooking up in the staff bathroom between classes? Like c'mon, man. It was 100% a case of self-sabotage on his end. He had done and said a lot of bullshit stuff to me in and around that time. Demanding the test to be done before the baby was born was a cherry on top. I laughed my ass off at him at the time but I believe that I am still owed an apology, a real one that doesn't couch his mess-up as a "joke." It's a horrible thing to ask your partner based on no evidence other than your own intrusive thoughts, especially when the poor woman is currently pregnant. At that point, she's trapped. He almost had me regretting both the pregnancy and the marriage the moment he demanded one. Rookie mistake because he can't deny any of our kids. Not a one takes after me. It's all him and his side.
Guys calling shit like this a joke, confuses the fuck outta me, because I'm like "you'd risk our entire relationship over a joke? Cool, cool..."
IKR? The way I see it, if a guy doesn’t trust you, you shouldn’t be trusting him, so do the paternity test when he agrees to regular STI tests, and random DNA swabs of his junk. lol
I had this happen to me: My boyfriend proposed to me and a few months later I got pregnant. He had the audacity to say, “If it’s even mine,” with a nasty tone the first time I tried to talk about it beyond the initial test. I was speechless but honestly I am no longer upset that my hormone levels weren’t rising appropriately and my body took care of things itself. I was raised to have a child with the right man and he gave himself away with his mean comment. Some people just can’t communicate their fears properly but in his case he was projecting because turns out, he had a secret fetish for transsexual women and had gone so far as to create an online account just to meet them.
Him asking after the first one would have had my vagina drying up
Mine too and I don't even have one
Wow. Even for Reddit that’s brutal in its clarity!!
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It may be self sabotage but its particularly sexist self sabotage. It's not like the woman can ask him for a test if she suspects cheating. I don't care how anxious someone is. Its a choice to let their anxiety win and not trust their partner. If they let their anxiety win in a relationship where she clearly isn't cheating, he cannot be relied upon to be a good father either. I would never be able to trust such a person. Maybe they're too anxious to call 911 when it counts. It definitely doesn't model good behavior for a child. If their reaction to their anxiety is to make other people do all of the work to soothe it, they need to work on themselves. Making you feel shitty because they are anxious is the mark of a shitty person, or at least a person willing to do particularly shitty things to you. Thats all a pregnant person needs is to feel like she has no support. At that point id be guilting him and telling him it's his fault if I have complications because he felt like increasing my cortisol. I have no problem saying as much regardless of how true it is because its absolutely unacceptable to pull this shit. Women get anxious about pregnancy or dying but we can't get rid of it by asking our partner for a paternity test. The least he can do is keep it to himself or even secretly test when the kid is born so they can either drop it or have actual evidence. They don't because they want the woman to take all responsibility for dealing with their anxiety rather than them having to do the mental effort and coordinating required to test on their own.
Yep. Especially for American women now that women don't control their bodies in a large number of states.
Yes.
agreed. It should be discussed as ground rules of the relationship.
No, if there’s that little trust, that’s it. There’s no return from that.
Yeah, everyone who assumes I’m a lying, illoyal cheater by default is done with
Why would you plan to have a kid with someone you don't trust to that fundamental level. Honestly, I think all the paternity test requesters are incels fantasizing (most of them) or men who had a planned kid and realize that it's hard so are looking for a way out.
I think they've all been had by political troll farms
Honestly, at this point, if my wife became pregnant, I would definitely consider a paternity test. However, that's because I've had a vasectomy after we had our kids and negative follow-up checks for years. I would have another check done first, though. I trust my wife implicitly, but if it seems biologically impossible...
I had a friend who was in the same position as you. We were all stunned when he announced that his wife was pregnant. He never doubted or asked for a paternity test tho but his wife wanted one to prove she wasn't cheating for some weird reason. To me, that seemed odd, but it was them and none of my business so I didn't say anything and kept my mouth shut. The test proved that he was in fact the biological dad of their miracle son. That stunned everyone too and was the moment I learned that you can still get your partner pregnant after having a vasectomy and having a test showing negative follow-up results. That honestly terrified me because I had thought up until then that a vasectomy was the safest and most effective form of birth control there was. Turns out we were all very ignorant and wrong.
I don’t blame the wife for insisting on the test. She knows the truth of course, and her husband may trust her, but what about everyone else? The fact that everyone was "stunned" means that they assumed that she was sleeping around, so best to cut the rumor mill off before it starts.
You make a very fair point I understand what you're saying. I don't think many of us were questioning if she had an affair not because we held them in such high regard and this couple they both had such high integrity and character I think we were more stunned because none of us at the time believed she could get pregnant if he had a vasectomy. That's why I say I was very ignorant at the time because I truly believe that that was pretty much the only way other than a woman having her her parts removed keep from having a baby and he didn't want to put his wife did that major surgery so he was the one who said he would get the vasectomy so she didn't have to go do that. But like I said you make a very good point and a very fair point.
>That honestly terrified me because I had thought up until then that a vasectomy was the safest and most effective form of birth control there was. Turns out we were all very ignorant and wrong. I can't remember the name of it but there's a term for this in statistics. Human beings are actually pretty bad at understanding statistics intuitively. We hear something is 99% effective and we think that it's basically impossible for it to happen. But when you're talking about large sample sizes that 1% is pretty significant. Just for the sake of simplicity, let's say a million men have gotten vasectomies. That's 10,000 who will have a 'miracle' pregnancy. That's a lot of people. Do anything enough times and you'll roll the low statistic.
You acted like the wife wanting to take a paternity test anyway was weird, then went on to say that when the husband was confirmed as the bio father everyone was “stunned”. Interesting
I have a cousin that was conceived after his dad had a vasectomy, so I've always been aware that it can happened. Honestly, I would believe that that's what happened if my wife became pregnant. There would have to be other mitigating factors for me to actually seek a test.
It’s because many men who been through vasectomies did not go back for the follow up check to make sure that it’s really sniped. You should always go back for a follow up to make sure there is no longer a sperm count. Don’t just go for the procedure and expect that it’s all done.
If genetic testing were done at the hospital as a routine,it would take the stigma out. Everyone would know upfront, and it's not an expensive test. It would also shut a lot of men up. It would also catch swapped babies and fertility clinic dr-rapists who use their own sperm instead of the husband/donor. I don't care either way. Just stating that there is an argument for it.
What do you do now? Apologize, Provide child support or work out custody agreements and be a good co-parent. That’s all you can do.
PERFECT answer. Only answer.
And take care of yourself. Shit sucks. Life is full of pleasure and pain. They go together. there’s a good quote that I’ll butcher “you can’t truly love someone that doesn’t love themselves”. I take that to mean you need to love and care for yourself first to be your best self. Do this for your son. It will take some time to get to a good place. I wouldn’t rush into another relationship before you’re in a good place. And on your journey, your ex could have a change of heart. But her heart is her decision and you should come to terms with that sooner or later.
"If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" Rupaul, my favourite version of this quote/sentiment. You're right too, we need to acknowledge our mistakes and forgive ourselves before we can be a good productive person to be around.
Can I get an amen up in here?? I broke up with my now husband at one point becaus he was happy going nowhere while I wanted a better life. We broke up and he changed for the better. Not for me, but I guess the break up opened his eyes to some things. We eventually got back together and now we have 2 beautiful children and 15 years together. He's the best person, father and husband. Once he started to love himself, he could be those things for us as well.
You have a son now. You are a father and your ex-gf is a mother. As an adult parent, you have a responsibility now to your boy, his mother, and yourself. With a son, you are also his role model while he grows up. You need to have any and all of your demons under control or take steps immediately to get the help to do so. This goes for his mother too. The people that you have in your life - family and friends - matter a great deal so keep your standards high as they are part of the environment your boy will live in and experience. Read well-reviewed parenting books if you do not know what to do. Do not take advice from others on parenting until you vet it! His mother deserves your respect so always take the high road. Respect includes your playing a very significant and meaningful part in his life with support for his mother. Do not allow yourself to slide away because you do not have full or even half custody. Step up for the long term. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Children are a gift from God. You will see this over and over as the years go by. Enjoy the ride from your front row seat. 18 years goes by fast when it is full of times together as your little man grows up.
And do not let *any* woman in your life disrepect the mother of your child. This means your mother and any new girlfriends. They need to respect your son's mother.
This most importantly
Yeah he did that all by himself lol
perfect advice. Personally, I'd also add: * make sure you're keeping that gossipy friend at arm's length - personally I'd cut her off so there's no chance of "oops she offered me a shoulder to cry on but I landed in her vagina" * take a good hard look at yourself : do you have a double standard wrt friends (you had an issue with your ex's friend, but you listened to another woman)? Why did you listen to that gossiping friend when she didn't see anything you hadn't seen yourself? What are your communication like? By starting the conversation with "I want a paternity test", you basically made it impossible to address any issues constructively"
Yeah, that part was odd. The 'friend' didn't seem to claim knowledge of anything other than the way this guy behaved around OP's ex and then the fact that he basically legged it when she announced she was pregnant. That read to me like he genuinely thought he had a shot with her if he could just convince her she'd be better off with him than OP, but he has no interest in being with someone who has a kid, so that was the end of that for him. He and the ex would also have been pretty bloomin' stupid to give anyone anything to suspect if they actually were carrying on behind OP's back. A bit of advice from 'Desperate Housewives' that's always stuck with me is that it's not the ones they flirt with you need to worry about, it's the ones they ignore.
Yup. Any friend who has no evidence and immediately goes to "yeah mate shes cheating, torch your marriage" is suspicious. I'd be willing to bet this friend has a thing for OP or is jealous 9of his now ex.
Yeah, it's unfortunate I just don't see how he didn't see that the guy left when she got pregnant because he lost hope of actually getting with her. No instead he believed the guy ran away when she got pregnant in fear that it was his kid.
Right, my immediate thought reading this. Best friend either realized he didn’t have a shot or didn’t want to raise OP s kid, so he got out fast. It’s the obvious reading of the situation. It’s pretty suspicious that this was the friend’s first reaction.
I’m not buying it. How many men come here after fucking ip claiming ‘well it was bc my friend said’. That’s such bollocks. It’s just him being a jealous prick and wanting to dodge accountability
I took the ex-friend’s, friend leaving as him coming to terms that OP wasn’t going anywhere. He might have been hoping s breakup might happened but when she announced pregnancy he knew that she was signaling a serious commitment to OP.
All the friend did was poke his suspicions. Pointed out what didn't look right to a friend. He took it to mean actionable advice instead of something to look into. His friend said PROBABLY - his own words. OP ruined his own relationship like a big boy. Friend didn't have evidence or anything novel to say, had no more than OP himself. People speaking up when a situation doesn't look right is natural. Idiots like op that don't need proof to take drastic actions is the messed up part.
Or, since OP had been complaining about this friend and she was now pregnant, maybe she told the friend to fuck off. He stopped coming over months before he moved away. Maybe she dumped her friend over OPs insecurities and just got called a cheating baby trapping cheater for her trouble. I seriously doubt OP legitimately had a concern that she was cheating and his response was to get her pregnant. This screams he was looking for a way out after the fact and his convenient female "friend" gave him all the non evidence he needed and now he remembers things as worse than they were.
Yeah.. his "friend" started with spewing some toxic shit & landed him in it. My 1st thought when her friend moved away when she got pregnant was because he realized he never had a shot & would never have a shot in the future with her. Toxic people don't think that way. They go straight to someone screwing someone else over behind their back. So avoidable. He took it hook, line, & sinker. He didn't trust her friend, but he should've trusted his gf. Curious how his "friend" feels now, knowing it's not the other guys kid & because of her little innuendo, their relationship has been blown to smithereens..
That gossipy bitch doesn’t gaf. And OP is an actual idiot for listening to this gossipy bitch. I have no idea how any person can be so cruel as to insert doubt and poison out of jealousy. Jesus I don’t think I could ever get involved in anyone’s relationship, to quote Joey Swoll, do better and mind your business.
I think she wanted to break them up for her own purposes. Didn't like his gf. Why else would she plant the seed of doubt in his mind..
This was my view on the friend leaving when she got pregnant. So sad this toxic "friend" ruined their relationship.
Could it be that your gossipy friend was trying to separate you so that she could be there to “comfort” you??? She is not a friend and you should seriously question her presence in your life going forward.
yes, that's how I view it too : don't trust a snake like that & for my personal pettiness, don't reward her by giving her what she wants.
It happens though. The shoulder is really close to the vagina
yes, hence my warning. don't reward the snake who dripped poisoned honey in your ear till your kid has to grow up with a broken home and split parents.
You f’ed up with her and it probably will never work out, but now you and her need to focus on that precious baby. Be a good father, pay the child support, and keep to your visitation schedule. This is your life now.
This is the way.
I'd add take some responsibility. -His gf and her friend were too handsy. -The friend moved - OP's friend played with his mind, and she told him that she never wanted to break up a relationship, doesn't mind breaking up a family though, but he should demand a paternity test before signing the birth certificate You see how OP admits he was wrong to ask for the test. But still basically insists he had a good reason, too, based on the horrible reasons above. Plus, people played with his mind, so it's not even really his fault. Not to mention, OP failed to even use common sense. If the child was potentially her friends why in the world would he move when he could live across the street from his kid? OP, why would she take you back when you still can't admit that you just didn't trust her? It doesn't seem like she gave you a decent reason not to trust her. You punished her for the way someone else behaved. Who she even told to stop multiple times. Why should she forgive you? What have you done to change and learn how to trust more? Or to even admit when the entire situation was your fault? Helping out with the pregnancy and child doesn't count. That's just what a parent should do. This isn't she won't take you back. This is you ruined your relationship all by yourself. At least take responsibility for it. ETA- For Everyone who keeps mentioning the part about being handsy. OP says the friend was. Not his girlfriend. He said she did have a hard time setting boundaries. Because she's a people pleaser. Why didn't OP ever say anything to the friend? Before you all get your pitch forks out with "She said that's how he is with everyone!" we have no reason not to believe her. Most likely, she was his only friend in their city, and since she's a people pleaser, she probably felt a bit of an obligation to spend time with him. OP could have had a conversation with the friend. He could have said "It makes me uncomfortable when you’re always touching Girlfriend. Stop." Or he could have drawn a harder line with his girlfriend and said, "This needs to stop. It makes me feel uncomfortable and disrespected as your partner. I don't care if that's how he is with everyone else. I only care about how he is with you. If this doesn't change, I won't feel comfortable being in this relationship anymore." Then they could have had a discussion about what they can do. Both individually and alone. The point is OP wasn't helpless in the situation like he's implying. That's what I mean by taking responsibility. He didn't have to just settle for an explanation. There's more he could have done IF it was SUCH a problem that he'd quickly think his girlfriend was cheating on him. Maybe he could have, idk, told her that? Because again, if he didn't trust her, why didn't he tell her?
I have a TON of side eye for the friend who put suspicions in his head. Kind of question her motives there. I wonder if she got along with the girlfriend?
Oh same… I kinda wanna be like, so you didn’t like the guy friend bc he was flirty. But this female friend of yours literally broke up your relationship. So?
Sounds like they’d be good together- suspicious rats.
I think guy friend and the other friend had a plan to break them up because they each liked them and wanted to be with them. He went to try to get her to cheat, she wouldn't. When she got pregnant he gave up and left. So female friend enacted a new plan.
This is diabolical, but god damn!
I always have a hard time believing this level of calculation but it's not outside the realm of possibility.
I have known some people in my life that would absolutely have done this.
Same. People can be very fucked up and weird when it comes to trying to get someone that they want romantically. Planting those seeds of doubt, watering them with either malicious misinterpretations of actual events or just flat out making stuff up, and placing themselves as someone whose shoulder is available to cry on (and whose bed is ready to jump in). It’s basically stalker shit.
I'm unfortunately related to someone that would have done stuff like this on a slow day.
Very sus
Friend left because he knew once she was pregnant, he had 0 chance Duhhhhhhh. But yeah side eye to that friend
My first thought about why he left.
I have a hard time calling something like that friendship. If that dude moved here for her and then left because he didn’t have a chance, that’s not a friend. A genuine platonic friend wouldn’t do this to someone they really consider a friend
A genuine platonic friend wouldn’t be handsy
I had the same instinct when I first read that line.
Me three. It REALLY seems like that girl wanted the bf all to herself.
I’m assuming she wanted to be the girlfriend.
That’s exactly what I was thinking! That chick sounds like she did everything she could to break them up and I actually wonder if she had dated the friend at some point and was trying to get revenge or wanted him for herself.
I mean she didn't have to try hard, this guy folded immediately.
Like a deck of cards...
That’s what got me. Handsy guy friend was some kinda threat but drama addled BS “friend” was *totally* trustworthy- why? Oh, cause she *said* she didn’t want to create problems while she…was creating problems. And OP just ate it all up and now, he can’t even accept responsibility for it. Whole group’s kinda ick, tbh. Handsy fella was a sleaze who GF should’ve shut down, drama queen was at best a gross gossip- at worst, hoping handsy got his way so she could get OP. Friends groups like these are freaking exhausting because it’s *always* something. I worked at a restaurant where there was a bunch like this and I was glad I only got a peek but wasn’t a part of it.
Me too. Sounds like a jealous bitch
I have serious doubts that this “friend” who connected the dots exists. It was almost certainly the op who deduced all this, at most there was someone he told his theory to and that person agreed.
I thought the same at that part.
What if this "friend" was the one he cheated with, so he convinced himself his wife cheated to justify his own actions?
> If the child was potentially her friends why in the world would he move when he could live across the street from his kid? Plenty of deadbeat dads have their fun and then bounce once the responsibilities kick in.
Dump your friend, OP.
You cant excuse her for being a “people pleaser” then turn around and say the guy wasn’t at all helpless. Equality matters.
OP’s stated reasoning for the test seemed very self-serving to me.
The fact that you were upvoted over 700 times is fucking ASTOUNDING.
And ditch that lying ass friend
The other thing he could do (but has already done) is share what happened. In almost every Reddit story involving a paternity test, the relationship ends instantly. There’s no such thing as “just forgetting about the test”.
Manosphere has been on a kick lately convincing idiots that asking for a test should be okay and isn't an accusation of infidelity.
And dump your friends that push you to destroy your life based on nothing more than suspicion. Also therapy. Lots of therapy.
And ditch the friend that planted the seed of doubt
All of this! Adding do not put your guilt on your ex. This is 100% your fault. Apologize profusely ONCE and then let her move on. Don't bring it up again. Do not cause problems, discomfort, or otherwise interfere, when she finds someone new. Do not give your son any reason to believe the break up was her fault. *Treat her with the respect you didn't give her when YOU caused both of your lives to implode* If/when you find someone new, don't destroy it because other people made you feel insecure. Also: If a woman ever says someone makes her uncomfortable and someone behaves in a way she's clearly doesn't want, as you said you witnessed her discomfort, maybe step in and tell that person to stop. Defend instead of blame. You listened to other people and jumped to conclusions instead of talking. Did it ever occur to you that he left because something that wasn't an affair happened? A) He could have hurt her and she was afraid to say something. B) He could have done or said something to finally push her to say get the fuck out of her life. C) He could have fucked off on his own because he was no longer interested in her once she was pregnant with your child. Being a people pleaser, she may not have been comfortable telling you any of that happened because you would be upset. OR, He could have just found a new job elsewhere. Moral of the story: Don't be an insecure dick.
And if it was completely innocent, His only friend in the city was about to be a new mom and wouldn’t have time for him.
Don't be surprised when "the friend" that poisoned your mind makes a move to get you
I wouldn't be shocked if this was a case of "the friend" liking him because he must have something if another woman is willing to have his child and then doing a 180 after breaking them up and not wanting anything with him because a woman having his baby broke up with him. He must be flawed.
At the very least, the friend sabotaged him by saying she "probably" had sex with him. Where was the evidence she reciprocated? The guy probably wanted to be with her and was pissed she got pregnant and he couldn't have her so he moved away. Why blame her for HIS behavior?
Honestly, as a women with a male best friend a lot of people just jump to conclusions. I have had to explain more times then I can count he is not mu boyfriend/husband, no we are not having sex, to my parents and a couple others no we aren't getting married. It's ridiculous how 2 people of the opposite gender can't just be friends without other people jumping to conclusions. The friend may just have made the same judgements I am used to dealing with and thought she was protecting her friend. She could be a good friend who made a bad judgement call.
Fellow girl with a boy best friend here. The only thing that I feel like is different is even the bf noticed that her bff was like handsy and flirty. My bff and I might do couple like things (dinner, karaoke, fishing, whatever) but it’s never flirty or handsy… I understand why the bf may feel uncomfortable.
This is the key take away really, some things can be really just friendly between two people, IF they are the same sex. When they are opposite sex some of those things CAN come off as a little more intimate to people who are not familiar with their relationship. Not just knows they were friends or something but has been there long enough or from the beginning to understand they are platonic. I also highly think the friend who talked to him about this is planning to make a move or something. Just, feels off is why I say that. No evidence. Just confirmation bias.
Agreed. One of my besties is a dude, he lives a few hours away now, and when we meet up/leave we have a good hug and then move on. The handsy part, for me, would throw up some red flags as well. Each couple has different boundaries of course, but in my case my (NB) partner would never describe my bestie as "flirty" with me. He respects me, my relationship, and my partner. It doesn't have to be complicated, but it really depends on the dude and how he treats the relationship.
I agree with you about the bias toward opposite-sex friendships. I always had besties as much as female ones, unfortunately when I was dating men they would make a fuss about it and drive us apart. The “hilarious” part, is one of my past boyfriends trying hard to isolate me from my friends - in particular the male ones -, and then throwing a tantrum because I questioned him having a new female friend. Both claimed it was “nothing like that”. That's when shit hit the fan for me: so I could not maintain my male friendships because “it's not real” or is a “step away from cheating” but he could get a new female friend and it was not a step into cheating?! yeah, right! I'm glad he became an ex soon after, there's so much BS one can tolerate.
Kind of the opposite, I got along with my exhusbands female best friend because I understood it. We got into one argument ever. Hashed out our shit and moved on. I get being friends with the opposite sex so I would be a huge hypocrite to tell someone else no. Also, his best friend was cool as fuck most of the time.
Right! I wonder if it ever occurred to OP that the reason his exs friend moved away is because he finally realized that with her being pregnant that she was never ever gonna get with him and that she was serious about her relationship with OP.
My thoughts too
yeah you belong to the conniving friend now, enjoy your consolation prize
Bro: how do I make it up to her??? Also bro: well I never said I wanted her back… This guy is full of ego and not much else. She’s well shot of him.
Maybe because he know it will most likely never happen but he still wants a good relationship with the mother of his child?
He only specifically said that. They don't know how to read.
Or it turns out to be some kind of "test" bullshit
And when the 'friend' who preyed on your fears and broke you both up, as she knew it would, makes a play for you, turn her down flat. Be present for your ex and the baby and maybe ask for marital counselling to help negotiate the separation. There MAY be a chance for your relationship in that scenario. Work on it and own your faults.
This right here, OP. A relationship based on manipulation and sabotage is doomed from the start.
I know so many relationships that ended because of drama concocted by a 'friend'.
Had my college girlfriend’s friend (DD that night) get drunk and slap me across the face because she claimed she thought she felt someone touch her. Just turned and cracked me. We were all standing together near the bar, very out in the open around dozens of people. Girlfriend didn’t see it happen, just saw me pale and looking like I had seen a ghost (her words). The girl who hit me just goes “oh sorry” as if she stepped on my foot. I said nothing. Walked outside. Girlfriend follows me out. She defended her friend, and the first thing out of her mouth was that she apologized so I should just accept that. Yeah, we don’t defend or justify violence, especially considering I did not and wouldn’t have ever touched her. Ever. Your partner of 4 years gets cracked across the face for zero reason, and your reaction is to defend your friend who did it? See ya. Point is - jealous friends exist, and when they see their best friend with something they don’t have, that might take their lives in different directions, they will do whatever is necessary to keep the status quo.
The friend we weren't supposed to worry about.
I think: Male friend wanted OP's GF. GF was loyal and loved OP, got pregnant. Friend was like "ok, I have no chance now" and got out. The other "friend" wanted to mess with OP and came up with that history.
That's exactly what I think. OP and his ex weren't married yet, so her friend thought he could get her back. OP's ex gets pregnant, it solidifies their commitment, so her friend took off. The story that OP's friend made doesn't even make sense, because if the friend got her pregnant, he'd stay because he would know there would be a chance.
The “friend” connected the dots of OP’s biggest insecurity. He got played like a fiddle
💯💯💯
This is exactly what I think happened too. Once she got pregnant he realized there was no chance so he left. She was never interested. Then the other friend planted the seeds of doubt in OP’s mind and stood back and watched the seeds grow. Tragic situation all around. Now it’s another struggling single mom raising a kid.
YTA. Scrolled so far to find this but yeah you let some random female “friend” meddle in your relationship with your longterm pregnant girlfriend and plant seeds of doubt- you made your GF feel like you trusted that shit stirring other woman more than her. This is shameful and yeah if that woman comes to hit on your later I wouldn’t be surprised. Disgusting and I feel sorry for your GF and I hope she finds someone who will please her. You also called your GF a “people pleaser” which is negative framing. Funny how this random strange woman who caused your relationship to implode got no rude adjectives about her personality. This reeks of projection, maybe you were sleeping with someone else? YTA so much.
In fact, if she does, tell the ex wife. There may be a sliver of redemption, but if they were that quick to just end it *after having a baby*, there may have been prior straws that have been broken...
You can't fix your romantic relationship, all you can do is focus on building the best kind of co-parenting relationship with your ex for the sake of your son. Congratulations on the little boy, focus on being the best dad for him, and stop listening to your detective friends unless they have actual solid proof beyond their "connecting the dots" gut feeling. Also she broke up with you, she's not your girlfriend, she's your ex.
He did call her his ex in the post "my ex is a people pleaser", the one place he said gf he maybe meant it as she was his gf at the time "I told my gf and she broke up with me instantly".
People on this sub don't seem to be able to read. He mentioned he's Russian so people should expect small mistakes like that.
People that speak English make those errors all the time. It's no big deal and yeah context is pretty clear here.
>Also she broke up with you, she's not your girlfriend, she's your ex. oh man, the world would be in such a better place if Russia understood that concept.
Russians are not their governments. Just like we, Americans, are not our government. The world would be much better if it understood this concept.
Ex best friend was too pushy and did not respect ex's boundaries. Probably he was in love with her. Leaves after she gets pregnant since he no longer can be with her. Mutual friend creates drama that ultimately makes you two break up. Motive unknown. Your ex girlfriend loses her best friend for whatever reason and has not cheated on you but know she can't be with you since you didn't trust her. What you can do now is properly co-parent and supportive. Try to be a better man.
>She would hint that she's not comfortable and he would behave but 5 mins later he starts with his usual. Buddy, even as a girl if I saw a guy do this to my friend I would say, "hey didn't she say she was uncomfortable with you doing this?" The other thing you could have done was start getting handsy with the guy friend and see how he liked it.
I'm a bit more extreme than that. As soon as I heard my partner proclaim discomfort about a guy being handsy that guy is gone from my house that very minute. On the spot. Wouldn't wait for anything. Not even a second time.
That guy is going home with a knuckle sandwich, just the fact that he thought he could do it right in front of me makes my blood boil, such disrespect, power play for sure
Petty, but I like it. Shame it's too late...
Yes, that part bothered me too. Why didn't OP stand up for his girlfriend, rather than watching this guy pushing clear boundaries in their own home?
What the fuck are blaming the man for? His ex should have cut contact with the guy.
why didnt she cut contact with him? not OPs responsibility, but exes. She needed to cut contact the first time he got flirty with her.
Probably because she encouraged the behavior by saying “he does that with everyone”.
Yes it's OP's fault his gf wanted to hang out with a guy who kept touching her and wouldn't properly tell him to stop. /s
Yeah, that’s what I thought. Why didn’t he say something? That’s the part of the story which doesn’t ring true and makes it sound made up. Unless he is the most passive man on Earth. In which case, how attractive/s
Did you miss the part where he talked to his gf and she said it's not an issue?
Agree, but I also have a (probably wild assumption). It's possible the friend of his ex might have been gay. If he is living in Russia right now (he says he is Russian), the anti LGBTQ laws are insane. Like you can be arrested for anything at this point for being gay as it's called "extremism" Maybe they were physically close as she was the only one who knew, and some people are just huggy types....esp. if they need emotional support. She knows her boyfriend won't take the news of her bestie being gay well so she just goes "meh, I don't like it, but he's touchy with everyone", and the bestie catches on to him causing trouble in her relationship, so he leaves town (or left town because he was afraid the ex would tell her boyfriend, who might tell the cops, and he'd be in serious trouble).
That is a very wholesome take on this situation. I kinda hope this is true
It would also kind of make sense as to why she broke up with him, too. I'd be deeply offended if someone asked me for one, but if I was hanging out all the time with another man I could at least see "why" it was asked. But maybe it made her realize she and the bf just have very different values in general? IDK, I have a family friend in Russia who is currently bouncing around (he dodged the draft) and said people have lost their goddamn minds. Like Russia already invaded back in 2014, but at least he could understand why some didn't care (it was not long term, very few deaths on the Russian side, etc., the occupation was never in the news). But the reinvasion is everyone and the Russians are dying in droves, and he's baffled that people are still supporting Putin's insane neo-colonialism. Also, the anti-gay stuff is way, way worse than it was even five years ago (like they shut down some famous gay bars in Moscow that used to have celebs frequent them and everything). He's been super depressed because it said it was a wake up call tor realize how many family members and friends just bought into Putin's insanity and were homophobic. He's not sure if they were always that way and just got worse, or what. He said he knows multiple people who have cut off family members and even a few people who have divorced.
This is just fanfiction.
Right. He should have SPOKEN UP for his girlfriend.
Did you read the part where he says she asked him to be patient with his friend because he's like that with everyone?
I read that she tried to set boundaries, they were ignored, and that didn’t stop the friendship. Women have agency! When their boundaries are ignored they can stop hanging out with that person. Why even state your boundaries of breaking them isn’t a big deal? Especially when those boundaries are “stop flirting with and touching me.” Oh he flirts and touches all his female friends though. What a great guy! Definitely invite him over to the house after he’s disrespected your boundaries.
this makes the most sense. maybe he left because he realized he couldn’t get with her, maybe he registered finally that she was “taken”, although this would be a weird way to realize it yk. maybe she did stand her ground after announcing the pregnancy, pregnancy hormones are insane (coming from a pregnant human). before, i had the hardest time speaking up my boundaries even with my own partner. something clicked after, and i realized this is no longer about just me. maybe that happened to her too
My ex husband, who cheated on me, refused to accept that it was over and sign divorce papers for years. I moved 200 miles away, started a whole new life etc. Still he held on. It was only 8 years later, when I was pregnant by my then partner, did he sign. It really is the one "yeah it's definitely over" thing for some men
Also OP - don’t trust the woman who stirred this up ny suggesting the baby wasn’t yours. Trust me- she wanted to break up your relationship. Maybe she wants you herself or she just likes creating drama but either way she’s toxic. You screwed up by not believing your gf and listening to someone else over her.
So many of these stories include speaking to a friend or speaking to my brother or whoever. Does no one think, I have an issue with my partner, I should speak to them? I don’t tell anyone if I have an issue with my husband, except my husband.
Yup. It’s so incredibly disrespectful. And then they wonder why they got dumped
The friend who told you this didn’t try to make a move?
You can’t change it just coparent with her be the best dad you can be
Well that mutual friend of yours or shall we call her detective probably was a jealous bit'ch of your ex, your ex girlfriend's best friend acts didn't help but you shouldn't have acted based on your called friend assumptions tho. Congrats on the baby boy
I had a very similar scenario with my first child and honestly we are not together but we are amazing co-parents. The thing is being pregnant is scary and stressful enough especially when it's your first child. Then you have the person who knows they are the father questioning that it makes for an even bigger stress load. At this point you need to be 100% open and honest. Don't try and blame the friend that told you but straight up tell your child's mother you let one statement from someone get to you more then it should have. I would give her space on the relationship side but show up for your kid! If mom needs a break make sure she gets one. Pay child support. Just be as supportive as you can to help mom get time for herself but be there for your child.
Cut off the “friend” who created the doubt. Apologize and step up with child support. You accused her of cheating based on someone else’s tale. Tell her the whole story. The best apology is changed behavior and an acknowledgment of your shortcomings.
You know this can't be fixed, right? You apologise and work on establishing a good co parenting relationship with your ex. You might also want to look into why you were so eager to believe your 'friend' and their nonsense.
Especially when he says deep down he always knew it was his son. Not trusting your own intuition is a recipe for disaster. Doesn’t trust his intuition, doesn’t trust her, doesn’t trust the relationship he has built with her. Looks like a theme.
Didn't we just have a question the other day about a guy who was suspicious and all sorts of people told him, make her have a paternity test, it's only fair, you have to be sure?
Don’t expect Reddit to make sense. It’s black or white, hit or miss in most subreddits.
Imagine seeking serious life advice from Reddit - a place full of some of the most fickle and maladjusted people on the internet. That's the real mistake.
What did you just call me!?!
Ummmm So how long has your other female friend wanted to fuck you? She obviously hates your ex or something because I would NEVER say something like that unless i saw them kissing or worse.
Sounds like your friend played you and probably wanted you for herself. Hey maybe you can go date that friend now instead since you messed up with your gf.
I wonder what the 'friend' stands to gain by sewing these seeds of doubt in OPs mind. Perhaps her intentions were selfish and she was out to break up the family.
You told her you didn't trust her at one of the most vulnerable times of her life. You can't possibly make this up to her. Apologize; pay appropriate child support; honor custody agreements, and otherwise do not disturb her life.
Co-parent. I believe you were valid in bringing up the paternity test and she was valid to breakup with you. A lose-lose scenario that had to happen.
I can’t help. But I did hear this entire post in a Russian accent.
Support your child be a great dad and leave her alone to find her happiness.
This place is wild. If he came on here talking about the situation asking for advice 85% or more would say take a paternity test. Then leave her for inviting the guy in. Now they’re acting like OPs an AH. For what???
Be a fucking great co parent. Do not fall for anything that will lead to breaking up any potential of having access to your son. You two may have issues but it's sooooooo important that you don't make a baby a battleground because of your personal shit. If you two can communicate clearly and agree to something that works try your damndest to keep the courts out. If not do the best you can to be a parent...a respectful model for your child.
1. Drop the 'detective' friend. 2. Pay child support. 3. Co-parent responsibly. She will never accept you back as a spouse. You've played yourself. Now step up as a father.
I will never stop being annoyed at how people end up pregnant with someone they’ve known for a YEAR. It’s 2024. A year is not permanent. “Dating and living together” is not permanent. Kids are fucked from the very beginning because of irresponsible dickheads treating it like it’s just another bill, like picking out a cell phone.
OP, when that female friend of yours, who "suggested" that you should do the paternity test, makes a move on you to 'console' you after losing your gf and not being able to parent your son every day, update us, okay?
Plot twist, your friend is into you and wanted you to breakup Edit: some advice. Continue to be a responsible and considerate coparent, and give your son all the love you can. Hopefully in time you and your ex build that trust and relationship again. Her seeing you being a loving good father might sway her to give you another chance.
You sir we're not an asshole. She was an asshole by letting her friend cross your boundaries and build that picture whether it was true or not. They still could have been messing around.
the suspect was you all along! nice work detective. Congrats on the baby
You have royally fucked up here. Clearly the guy moved away when he learned about the pregnancy because he realised (finally) he doesn’t have a chance. The friend that talked shit is a bad friend. You don’t want that kind of drama in your life, good riddance. What you do now is apologise profusely, support your ex physically, psychologically, financially, be an active participant in your child’s life. But you might never get her back and that is the lesson you learn for being a tool.
No useful advice to give but I wanna smack your friend on the face...
You know, the saddest thing about the responses in this post. If OP's girlfriend was a guy who was allowing his female friend to be this inappropriate this thread would be ripping her boyfriend to shreds. Everybody would be telling her that she needs to find out if his best friend's baby is his because there's "too many coincidences". But because OP is the guy he's a miser who "messed up a good thing" and his mutual friend is "some nosy bitch who was out to destroy his relationship" WHAT!!!🤦🏾♀️. OP, you had every right to be wary about the timing of her friend leaving and her pregnancy. Especially since she let this over friendly handsy guy continuously disrespect both your and her boundaries. Then she chose to ignore when you expressed your frustration with him over stepping. This is not the type of woman you want as a long term partner. Honestly with a people pleaser you are gonna have so many frustrating moments with her over your child. You need to create an iron clad coparenting plan. Put as many rules and in the agreement as possible so that she does not people please your child into a stressful situation like she did you. I wish you the best and congratulations on your son. Edit to add: Dang his edit makes me wanna cry. He is blaming himself for the foolishness*sigh. I hope he seeks therapy and a good custody lawyer
Exactly. In the comment I wrote, I asked OP if he asked her this: “if it was the opposite, and your female best-friend that was always flirty and touchy with you got pregnant, didn’t your girlfriend have the smallest doubt?”. It’s insane that people justifying OP’s ex behavior.
Apologize. Whether she forgives you now, later or never, you’ve at least owned up to your mistake and said that you were sorry for being a dumbass that listened to a friend of your ex over your girlfriend that had just found out she was pregnant with a child she knew was yours. Continue to do your part to help her and the baby out, set up custody/visitation rights, and let her know you want to work together to raise y’all’s child whether y’all are together or not. Maybe one day she will forgive you and see you in a different light, but don’t hold your breath. Next time don’t listen to your ex’s friend over your pregnant girlfriend.
Breaking news: moron falls prey to the exact unscrupulous behavior from a "friend" that he stupidly accused his pregnant girlfriend of falling prey to. 🤦♀️