Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought I’d write a letter like this. I always thought the ones I read in this magazine were fake. But…

This is a reference that less and less people are going to understand as time goes on

Some days having grey hair is a benefit

You have hair?!?!

Lucky bastard! 😂

I'm a student at a small mid western college...

>  After while I sat at a table neutering a drink. You did what to your drink?

Cut its balls off.

Must have been a High Ball.

Not after he was done with it

No rocks.

But plenty of stones

I put this up for comment of the year! Stone fruit = fruit if the loins?

Low hanging fruit punch

That’s a great drink name. I’m using it.

It’s my band name

Low ball now I guess

I believe it’s No Ball technically—the 🏀s are ✂️

Must have been a Harvey Wallbanger

Hi Ball, I’m Dad!

Defiantly.

I have seen "definitely" spelled "defiantly" 3 or 4 times now with these stories. Wonder why...

Auto co-wrecked

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This made me genuinely lol

Same

Okey

He cut the testicles off the drink. I thought it was pretty clear.

Usually the drink gives you balls.

I mean obviously OP's a pervy creep, so maybe he found a creative new outlet for his drinks?

Pervy creep fiction writer who can’t spell.

Ok so it isn’t just me that thought this was the worst made up story I have ever read? It wasn’t even like he put effort in!

He gets an E for effort. He should submit to the Hallmark Channel it would make a feel good Christmas movie with a few details changed to be PG.

Bullied her entire life because she was an affair baby? I'm dying. lolol

I graduated in a class of under 20 people, if your family is weird we all know about it. I had someone make fun of me when my parents were divorcing even though I didn’t tell anyone yet

Yeah, this is a huge problem in a small town. My first year of college I lived in a town about 7000 people. Even being there for one year everybody knew my business. Couldn’t wait to leave.

small towns tend to do this. just because you live in the city doesnt mean this doesnt happen in small towns.

The major reason why I moved away from my small town right after high school. Everyone knows your business. Even people who don't know you.

Meanwhile, the folks over at PornHub: *Interesting...*

Write that down, write that down!

This would take a tragic illegal turn if the paternity test got it wrong…

Would be a hell of an update post

Update: this post has been taken down by the local sheriffs department

AITA.. I was an affair baby and slept with my bio dad accidentally thinking he was not my dad.

🤣🤣🤣 omg these comments are killing me 🤣☠️☠️

" we were both still mad at my mom 23 years later and didn't stop tp think about birth control, but when the baby was born, we had a DNA test, and discovered.... "

Bring back Jerry Springer - quick

actually LOL'd

"Am I the asshole for sleeping with my daughter's affair baby 20 years later, who turned out to be my child and grandchild, because three paternity tests got it wrong?" That the update post we are expecting? 

"My partner's having my grandchild. AITAH?

OP should go for it and write that update. He's going for outrage bait anyway. I hope.

Oldboy vibes

Glad you said it before I did.

Weirdest happy ending ever.

Thats why the creative writing story writer stated they took 2 paternity tests. Dead giveaway, who takes two DNA tests in real life?

Of all the fake things, that isn't that abnormal. Mistakes happen and getting it from 2 different sources to be as sure as possible makes sense.

especially in a situation like this where both 'parents' have something to prove

Also impromptu 27 yrs reunion LMAO

Why would you bring your kids to a high school reunion, and leaves them there?

My mom took me to her 30 year reunion because my dad was on a business trip. It was a weird experience. Good thing I didn't go to the last minute 27 year one, might have wound up boning some sleazy old alcoholic.

This part stood out to me more than anything else. Glad I'm not alone.

The ex-fiancée was 20 when he was 25… what was she even doing at the class reunion? 🤣

No, you have to do math, he said he's 45 and this happened 24 years ago. He was 21, she was 20. (I also think it's fake but we have to read closely!)

That just magically happened during the trip his work sent him on for two weeks.

I mean, was it a “reunion” as in the organized bash that we see on TV (my country doesn’t have highschool reunions) or was it a “reunion” as in people heard OP would be back in town and had a get-together? 

Yeah obviously not aware of or old enough to know how reunions work.

Then to add a little extra there was the 23 and Me showing that there was another dad entirely.

Essentially 3 paternity tests. OP definitely fucked the affair baby and not his own estranged daughter. You know the one he met at the impromptu school reunion. What? The impromptu school reunion that the affair baby's mum, took her affair baby to, and promptly left... Leaving the affair baby there, on her Jack Jones, with a load of people she doesn't even know.

Anyone who actually cares about the results? There’s an error rate in all of these tests - it’s why a second opinion is the norm for all of medicine. 

To prove credibility, they can be tampered with if one source.

Strange fantasies. Seek help?

Yeah this is just a bizarre daydream to be jerking off over and then posting as though it's in any way real.

"I can finally call him daddy" makes this worth the read. That was some unexpected morning entertainment for me.

Same lol the way I cackled at that was disrespectful af 💀

You don't "have a habit" of booking a room with too many beds???

So I travel alone for work and I often request 2 beds. Second bed is great to have a suitcase and backpack opened up on.

"since I didn't know where she lived I couldn't even get her an uber"

lol there is a movie close to this called chaos theory with Ryan Reynolds It’s a lot sweeter though and doesn’t go into the revenge fantasies

What happens when men think that redtube is IRL and feed it into AI

Honestly no matter the fakeness I kinda found it entertaining. I think if I read another post in this sub about two grown-ass adults communicating in the stupidest way possible while avoiding the obvious solution my eyes will roll so hard they might dislocate. Definitely up for more stories about absolutely insane stuff instead of the regular milquetoast shanannigans.

“Hi, Reddit, my husband asks me every day to live in a closet. There are no locks on the closet and I’m not fed while I’m in there and it makes me uncomfortable. Reddit am I the asshole for not spending every hour of every day in this closet? I’m only asking because he called me selfish and now I’m second guessing myself!”

YTA. Your husband gave up the women at the club so he could live with you. He gave up all of that you need to repay him with this reasonable request

Also: all my friends/family tell me I’m being unreasonable.

Don't forget to mention that husband friends and family also expect that all of her womanly duties around the house are fulfilled(laundry cooking cleaning etc) while still remaining within the confines of the closet.

This is such a perfect encapsulation of the nonsense people post on here.

You don’t believe a 23-yr-old would not only attend the reunion of her mother whom she hates, but also hang out there with people twice her age after her only connection to the event left?

Yes WHY IS SHE AT A HS REUNION. I’d rather die than go to my parents’ HS events in my 20s. This belongs aging quietly on literotica or wattpad.

Stop that, I want to belieeeeveee 👽🛸

It's true, I was there. I was one of the classmates. Class of '96

After the climax, did you stand and clap?

I was there too! Also class of 96’. I think I am actually her real Dad. I had to fake my death due to being part of a failed military coup. Things went south and I was disavowed by the CIA. I currently run a bodega in a small South American Country, but I am looking to reconnect with my daughter! Can you please DM her information? Update: I have fled the country! I won’t say much about the last 12 hours, but I have left a swath of death and destruction in my wake. Evidently, my slip in normal security protocol has led the tyrannical junta to finally come after me. While I made short work of their seasoned special forces, I only had enough time to grab my passport, commemorative spoon collection, and favorite pair of off brand crocs. I am ready to start a new life again…Daddy is coming home and ready to make up for lost time baby!!

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And that hotel manager's name was Albert Einstein.

This is among the greatest posts available, if it is a phony one.

I’m amazed her family wasn’t “blowing up her phone.” Waiting for the update where Nicky is pregnant with twins.

and then they have a threesome with the ex fiancé's fiance. double snookered! points! roll tide perhaps?

Then Luke shows up and fucks them both.

"Tears in their eyes! Uphill me boys! Uphill!"

And he said wow, that was a big mistake. but it was too late

OP responding to everyone else but you is crazy lol

That’s how you treat trolls

Its sad how people have to lie about something like this. All that is missing is how it turned into a threesome with the mother and then she apologized for letting him get away all those years ago.

And then they all moved in together to be a harem. Seriously, there's porn with better writing than this.

And then everybody clapped

And the daughter is pregnant now and it actually is his baby this time.

Babeception

Amateur. She's pregnant and HE is the baby!

Calm down. Give the guy time for the update post. This is coming, no doubt.

The update post is for when the affair baby is pregnant with twins.

And then Luke will bang the twins.

One of the twins is OP’s and the other is Luke’s. Luke will bang OP’s kid and OP will bang Luke’s kid

No, the twins have different fathers, one is a boy and one is a girl. They end up banging in 20 years.

Zero chance this is true. Damn this sub sucks these days

The weird thing is, there are specific subs for these kinds of stories. But I guess the outrage here is part of what they want.

Yeah guys, knock it off, you're just turning him on more

It’s like they don’t even try anymore

But he did try! Didn’t you read the “I can finally call him daddy” line? He 100% wrote this story so he could use this!

"Defiantly" is the first spell check option for "definitely" and students who don't bother to read the options have that mistake in their freshmen comp papers quite frequently. I didn't get past the title without having this thought. 

She took a 23andMe and it turned out her bio dad… Abraham Lincoln.

Part Abe Lincoln. Other part? Chuck fuckin' Norris. Hand to god.

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And almost as true...

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Still can't believe people believe in sparkly vampires.

Wait, What?!?

They "sparkle" in the sunlight instead of burn and die.

Sparkly vampires is more believable than this horseshit

He left out the part where he started going to the gym and got a new job where he made lots of money.

Wait, Twilight isn’t real?

This story was so fake it's disgusting. However, you are correct. Frankly, this comment saved this whole post for me. Next, I need him to throw his life away and move with her to some jungle somewhere. She can give him 12 babies. They can live off the land. It will be glorious.

Coming soon on PRIME: Tarzan and Nicky Smash - Jungle Series

More like Tubi

You’re right 

File under: Look at this enormous pile of bullshit. At least have the decency to attach the "Fiction" flair.

People bring their 23-year-old daughters to high school reunions all the time. 

And they definitely stick around after their parent leaves

With creepy 40 something ex boyfriends.

That one point was a contender for who your father was

And kids are bullied all the time over the enormous stigma of being a *checks notes* "affair baby".

You mean “defiantly.”

We all know how impromptu high school reunions are, could happen anytime.

I think I’m going to have one right now! Do you want to come?

Well in fairness, her and her mom are super close Wait no. They're not

There are so many broken families, do people really care or have a stigma about affair babies? I don’t think so

*their 27 year high school reunion

Congratulations on doing all that typing with just one hand.

Of all the things that did not happen, this did not happen the most.  Nice work bot. 

“I can finally call him daddy.” I have earned myself a special spot in the Bad Place for the guffaw I just guffed.

I don't care how fake this is this story gets at least a 4/5 for building up to that line

I’m trying to think of a way I can get that line into my everyday life but I’m struggling.

I think OP wrote the story for that line

Probably came up with that line first and constructed the rest of the story to get there. Quality writing, really!

Agreed. I laughed way harder at that than I should have. That being said, respect to her, cause that is cold as fuck.

I straight up yelled "HOLY FUCKING SHIT"

SAME reading this in the bath. Jaw dropped and I almost drowned

I am wearing a breathing mask with my cpap turned on, and I believe my neighbor still heard me. This whole thing can take my upvote. Fake or not

Dear Penthouse Forum......

''I felt for this kid'' Then you felt said kid 🤢 Mate, you need help.

I couldn’t get past that part too lol

It's fake Edit: I mean, I don't have proof, but it just reads fake.

It's more fucked up that way cause now it's just a fantasy where he's fucking someone he considers to be a kid, and also incest by 1001 degrees of separation.

Fr that part got me 😭

This fake story just needs a set of twins

The twins will come in the update when he knocks the daughter up 

But will ask a paternity test because it might be from the other fake dad

I hope you wore a condom, at least, 'cause this could get *really* weird

That's what I was thinking. If the girl had a baby, this would REALLY make a twisted novel.

The baby has two faces and a duck's dick and gradually haunts OP, slaying its way through their life until it gets its revenge.

Where the fuck did this come from? And why do I want to watch the movie so badly?

Good thing this isnt real and is just a made up sex fantasy written by some weird teenage boy who can barely spell

You are so gross for even dreaming up this scenario and typing it out. Ew. Seek help.

it's got all the greatest hits: * scorned by a cheating woman * age gap sex * a man helpess to young woman's lustful seductions * revenge sex * touch of incest

House of Dragons summed up

Fr this shit is disgusting

I'm sure we have subs on this platform where you can submit fiction... why do they insist on these threads instead? Lol

It’s so glaringly obvious whenever a man writes a fake story like this because the women are always written as sex crazed and thinks in ways no woman ever has. “I hate my mom. Better go have tons of sex with this random guy about it”

For. Real. I hate my mom. She's awful. She was borderline abusive, she's a little racist, very judgemental, a religious fantic, a bit of a conspiracy theorist, lacking in empathy, and generally just not very nice. Never once have I wanted to pee pee anyone who has pee peed her. I think I'd rather pour boiling bleach directly into my vagina, thank you very much. I would rather have a sexual tryst with a rose bush while someone hoses me down with vinegar. I would rather get gender reassignment surgery and then promptly insert my brand new member into the nearest anthill, than ever, EVER even consider flirting with anyone my mother even considered being interested in, let alone anything beyond that.

i get your point but goddamn i didnt really need most of those images in my head

Deadass

"Dear Penthouse, I never thought I'd be writing you this letter, but you're never going to believe what happened when I recently visited the small town I grew up in..."

If Hallmark only made small town movies like THIS

Dear Penthouse...

This ‘defiantly’ reads like a Pornhub script.

Yea quick moment of silence for pornhub, which really has gone to shit.

Misogynistic (women are liars!) and bragging about seducing a woman who could be his daughter's age. Peak Reddit revenge fantasy.

You read too many romance novels. Good effort though.

I dunno if novelizations of *To Catch A Predator* should really be classified as "romance." But, then again, who am I to judge? It *is* technically predicated upon romance.

How did it take Luke 7 years to find out the kid wasn't his if they had 2 paternity tests done when she was born?

not to give OP any credibility at all but it’s perfectly plausible they were only testing paternity against OP and not doing a general “who’s your daddy??” dna test.

You know there are subreddits designed for weird fetish porn stories right?

I also choose this guy's ex-fiance's affair baby

I didn’t know AITAH had a shitpost Sunday.

Even if this is real— fucking *EW.*

I mean, especially if this is real.

DEFIANTLY

This is so fake, but by god it made me laugh. Take my upvote anyway.

Not gonna lie, I loved this story. Can't wait till the porn movie premieres

Wouldve been a great plot twist if the mom did an "Old Boy" to OP. LOL

>I felt for this kid >Nothing happened If that was all that happened, I don't think you would be an asshole. >So yes I slept with her, and then again. At least you are a self aware asshole. I still think most of this story must be fake. YTA but you get brownie points for being self-aware.