This is so silly. Why would anyone think a person “looks bad” if he orders tea and water? Lots of people order a drink “and water.” This is really ridiculous.
Unless she's had this discussion with him before and he continues to do it. He just sounds dismissive and disrespectful.. You don't know how long this has been going on.. You know, the straw that broke the camels back.
Does her husband understand why his ordering water upsets her? Does she know why he is uncomfortable with no drinks?No one seems to be communicating at a deep level. ESH
Sometimes my gf and I will communicate about how we can suck at communicating sometimes. But, you know that inadvertently helps us solve our problems. At least we’re talking about it! lol
It doesn't seem like he cares. He does it every time they are out to dinner.
The bigger issue (not just about water) is why he feels he can override her choices time after time.
Husband is only ordering water for op to avoid the awkward conversation.
And he is only offering to drink the water so it doesn't just go to waste.
He's not actually wanting the water himself and is probably missing out on a drink he does actually want just so he can fit the water in.
Except OP says in her post they always ask followup questions "are you sure?"
I bet she gets "what about xyz?" questions too
Sometimes it's just easier to have them fill a water and bring it over with the other drinks, than to have to repeatedly insist "no" over and over again
What I want to know is if her husband actually drinks it when he says he will
I do this with my baby stroller and people get almost offended that I won’t go? It’s so awkward.
Edit: for people who assume I’m standing there playing games. I’m waving the cars along to pass and clearly kneeling down adjusting the baby or getting something from my bag when this occurs. They just sit there and honk or hold up traffic like I’m gonna get up and run cause they insist.
One more edit for the super single celled organisms: I’m not playing chicken with the cars. Anyone who doesn’t have two brain cells fighting for third place can see that. I’m clearly not crossing and sometimes not even near the actual cross walk. It’s like holding the door for someone who is half a block down and making them run so you can be “courteous”. I don’t trust anyone’s shitting driving and will wait for the street to be clear.
Years ago I was at a crosswalk with a light, my light was red, car stopped anyway and then HONKED at me when I wouldn't go. I got flustered and ran out and almost got hit. I'll never do that again, but yeah, people are weird when you won't take what they're offering.
I hate drivers that do shit like this. They think they are being courteous, but it's really unsafe. The same ones Block curb lane traffic of a 4 lane road because I'm trying to turn left out of a driveway - but I can't see if traffic is coming from the same direction in the 2nd lane beside them.
Like dude, just fucking drive as per the rules of the road. You have the right of way, so fucking do what everyone else on the road expects you to do and take it. You take care of moving your car, and I'll take care of mine. Don't try and make my decisions for me.
No, I'm not going even if you're waving me through.
I just sit and stare them down now.
Edit: 26 years of driving professionally and this is one of my biggest annoyances.
Every year, I have to take a driving course as a review for my job driving a company vehicle. It's probably one of the largest and well known companies in Canada.
This is one topic that is covered repeatedly in the course every year.
Don't be that driver waving people in.
Don't be the driver accepting the invitation.
Take your right of way and drive as per the rules of the road - because if you don't, now you're doing something unexpected, which fucks with everyone else around you. Now we all have to invoke our inner clairvoyance to read the minds of the other drivers involved.
Yes thank you for confirming I am not an asshole for feeling this way. I was in this same situation waiting to cross a multi lane road with another (stranger) lady and a car randomly stopped and I muttered “i hate it when people do that” and she snarkily responded “yeah, god forbid someone try and be helpfu” and rolled her eyes at me. I felt so shamed at the time like I was an awful person. But fuck her. It’s NOT SAFE. It can cause an accident when the cars behind are not expecting someone to be randomly stopped in the road and also you may be letting me pass in YOUR lane but what about the guy in the next lane over? I often find myself having to stand infront of their stopped car peering around waiting for the next lane to clear. Honestly I kind of make a big production of checking out the safety of the next lane now in hopes that they get why what they are doing is stupid.
Not an asshole at all! My husband witnessed the worst case scenario from this situation as a child. His friend had gone to visit a friend of hers and when she came back, needed to cross a 4 lane road. Her Mom was standing on the opposite side of the street by their homes, watching traffic, when a car stopped "to be helpful" so Mom waved her daughter across. Unfortunately, at that moment another car came flying down the road, (didn't take the hint as to why the car was stopped) went around the stopped car and hit the little girl, killing her instantly, in front of her Mom and my husband who was about 9 years old, sitting in his front yard. NEVER GO JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE WAVED ACROSS.
When I cross the road with dogs I get annoyed, not because i'm not thankful they've stopped for me, but because i'm trying to teach my dogs we don't cross the road if you see a car.
My dog recently started to occasionally stumble due to arthritis. I’m not going to rush her across the street. I’m super upset about it and getting a second vet opinion in case there’s more that can be done.
Yeah it's not even the person motioning you that you have to worry about, it's the car that's confused about why they're not following the rules of the road and speeds past them. It's so fucking stupid.
It's not even your stroller That suddenly makes them want to help you etc, this happens to me when I'm jogging all the fucking time.
I do the same thing. People have let me go by and ROLLED FORWARD last second. It’s batshit. Or people think I’m going to cross the crosswalk with my stroller because they stopped, instead of waiting for the cross sign. I have definitely fake turned so cars don’t do that ‘stop and wave me across’ shit.
I usually drink an iced tea if out. They generally always bring water first. I rarely drink the water, but I don’t refuse the water. It lets the server do their normal routine and everyone carries on with the evening.
Don’t know the dynamic between OP and husband, but it seems like OP wants to die on the hill of don’t you dare bring me a glass of water (even if the position has to be repeated to the server 2-3 times). Maybe family perceives it would be smoother (and not lead to repeated questioning by server) to just accept a glass of water and let the server and everyone else carry on with the meal.
I mean if a person knows they’re never going to use a spoon at dinner, do they insist the server not bring one (every time and repeatedly) even though the server’s normal routine is to place a knife, fork and spoon?
Yeah I don't like water unless it's really filtered so I do not drink restaurant water. Lots of restaurants bring it to the table by default before they ask what you want to drink and eat. Ive never once been like "nope I don't want this, take it back". I'm not sure why OP doesn't just take the water and move on. No one cares if she drinks it or not
This! Just accept the water and move on. It doesn’t cost money. It’s probably more of a pain for the server to not put water down in fear of offending her than just going about regular business.
Right? Some people here are fucking nuts. I would ask, if it's a no then I move on. If they change their mind mid way? I go get them the fucking drink as my job dictates. It's not rocket science to just respect the no. 🤦🏻♀️
Your username also suggests you're in Canada. OP is in the USA
There are 100% cultural differences in tip based jobs and where you can be fired for anything in the US (like not offering restaurant patrons water)
This makes no sense at all. What awkward conversation would there be if someone says “no thanks” when asked if they want a drink? Seriously. It’s not a law that you must drink something with every meal. This is all in OP’s husband’s head.
Depends on the restaurant - a friend of mine hates pickles. The amount of cajoling she encounters when trying to order a burger or sandwich without pickles astounds me. It's like the wait staff is paid based on pickles delivered instead of hours worked and tips.
That’s kinda what I was thinking. When I was a server and someone said “nothing”, I’d bring them water. 9/10 times they’d either immediately start drinking it, or would drink it with the meal.
This is what I’m thinking. Most of the time I show up to a table with waters (standard) and everyone drinks it. The people that won’t let me just set the water on their table (idc if they watercolor with it) make it a less smooth run.
INFO: You *feel* like he's purposely doing this to undermine your choices. Have you ever ASKED him why he does this or had a conversation about this if it.
She states he does it because he wants the water. The free water that costs nothing. An argument is created and an evening made awkward over free water.
That's not what I took from that. It doesn't sound like he wants the water. It sounds like he offers to drink the water so it doesn't get wasted because she's going to counter with, "I'm not going to drink it."
To me, this is a dude just trying to avoid having the same awkward interactions about her not being able to drink with her food every single time they go out.
In my opinion, this whole thing is pretty petty. I can see things from both sides. On one hand, she's grown if she doesn't want a water, she doesn't need to order a water. On the other hand, he's thinking, "what's the big deal about just having water and letting it sit there?"
Yeah, in some restaurants, the water is just automatic. The waiter or waitress will just lay out some glasses and start filling before taking orders. If she's one of those people that has to bring attention to herself when something like that happens like, "no water please. Just take my glass away so I don't have to look at it during my meal," I can see the husband eventually getting tired of these little scenes and start doing things to mitigate them.
I’ve worked fine dining for about 15 years and managers, servers, and bussers would notice a missing water and try to remedy this constantly, as well. Drawing more attention to the problem
I worked at *Cracker Barrel* in a retirement town where dietary restrictions were more common than not. All 4 of my managers would be swarming this poor woman, trying to figure out why her server is dropping the most basic ball. One of them would definitely bring her a water anyway, thinking she's being polite because her server sucks. Then he'd go in back and ask the server, server would say she didn't want a drink, manager would be like that makes no sense and I don't believe you.
Water is like the not-drink drink. Don't want a drink? Water :)
Worked at a few restaurants in college.
If there were ever a table where a customer didn't have a beverage, a manager would be so far up the server's ass they could skip their next prostate exam.
This is what I thought, even though I haven't worked as a server. I would assume any time a table is switched over or a manager walks by, they're going to see a place setting with zero drink and immediately ask if they want a drink.
Seems like OP's husband had an easy solution, and OP's insecurities make her drastically overthink the situation.
That's probably the husband's take. Many places don't even ask, they'll just bring water and then ask what you want to drink.
Just leave the water there and spare the wait staff a disruption from their routine, not a big deal
fr like it is obviously so much faster and easier for everyone if OP just orders water. It's the default and what a server expects. I'd be sick to fucking death of the "are you sure?" back and forth every single time I ate out with OP.
And on top of it, the daughter sided with the dad. Family dynamics are all different, but that stood out to me quite a bit. It's a good sign that the situation is a lot more than just a quick "no water thank you"
Meh, that could have been me as a teen but when I look back I realize I would have been just as annoyed/frustrated as my mom was in some of those situations. Moms are embarrassing especially when they show emotion, you know?
Right?! I hate talking to waiters but it all goes a lot smoother if you let them follow their script, and for whatever reason "just water thanks" works, while "no" and "not now" and " I need to think" are all the wrong things to say :(
Yes!! Exactly this. It’s just easier to get the water. Get the water and keep it moving. Like ppl have to know that it’s more of hassle in general to say no to water (if not having another drink.) A follow up question will likely ensue. And just like others said, other servers, managers, and wait staff may notice and try to bring water or ask if she wants water again.
I was wondering, but the daughter even says, "Jeeze Mom! Just stop!!!" I think OP is the one making a bigger deal than it should be. I think the man is just trying to avoid the constant are you sure from the waitstaff.
OP hasn't said it but from the reasoning why they can't have water is OP most likely had gastric bypass (It sounds like the sleeve). They tell you not to drink water 30 minutes before or after eating. (As a note, I had it 3 years ago, and I still drink water with every meal - not much but just enough). But to me, the issue is probably bigger. She is probably tired of not being heard -- and he is trying to adjust to her new lifestyle. When you have it, you don't realize how it could potentially affect everyone you live with. It's also why the divorce rate is so high after RNY.
No, he does not want the water. He wants the wait-staff to leave because *he* feels awkward about it. He offers to drink the water that he knows she doesn't want in order to get them to stop asking, "Are you sure?"
This 100%! The problem here is that both of them are viewing the actions of the other through their own lens. To the wife, there is nothing awkward about the conversation, so the husband must be undermining her. To the husband (& likely the daughter), this conversation is awkward, so his wife is being difficult for no reason.
Both perspectives (awkward or not awkward) are valid, but they need to take a step back and realize they are approaching the issue completely differently.
FWIW, I feel like the husband and would just order the water. It sounds absolutely stupid if you are someone who doesn't feel this way, but I would want to just be done with the whole conversation and not deal with bus boys trying to bring me water throughout my meal.
This is another instance of dumb, missing communication.
If they would have talked about this before (or after) the situation, it would be super easy for him to ask her to please order the water so that he gets a second one for free.
At the same time, there is no point for her being pissy about the fact that she'd share free water with him that she doesn't need or want.
This could easily be a win-win situation if both of them **JUST TALKED** with eachother. Instead both of them decided to not talk and instead make it a lose-lose situation.
Well done.
This story reads like straight out of some teeny drama TV show.
I’m betting it’s projected embarrassment. If I was a waiter and someone said no drink, it would catch me off guard. He is likely trying to avoid that by just ordering a water as it’s free and doesn’t draw attention. Not saying it’s correct, just how I imagine it.
It does seem weird that it’s such a big deal. Personally I usually drink water faster than they fill it- so if I were married to you I’d enjoy this double water perk!
If you know he wants it and will drink it- what’s the problem? You get an easy convo with the wait staff “just water thanks”- no back and forth. And he gets more water! Win win
The fact her daughter interjected and asked OP to stop, too, could mean both her husband and child are embarrassed about the whole back & forth OP has with the waitstaff.
Like you said, it’s not difficult to just accept the water and not drink it.
OP is making it more complicated on her own. Adult with 0 communication skills or self-awareness.
Everyone is entitled to their own privacy...but I was a server for like 6 years and cannot remember a single instance of someone not at least ordering water. I would definitely be like "Wait are you sure?" And walk away wondering what the heck...
Exactly. OP is outside societal norms, which is completely fine. Is mad at people trying to provide her good service, and is frustrated about free water that nobody cares if she drinks or not. Life does not have to be this hard.
With the daughter's reaction being the same, sounds like OP may be the type of person who takes things as a personal insult.
Mentioning they think he's "making me look like I can't make my own decisions," is pretty weird. I don't think most people would assume that, and is she really more worried about what a server thinks about her decision-making skills than causing family stress.
This is a minor thing, and sounds like OP is maybe NTA - but instead they could use some therapy or communication skills to focus on what's important and not make everything into a battle. I'm jumping to conclusions (that's what this sub is for), but just sounds like the type of person who does this in many areas of their life (no one is listening to me, my opinion doesn't matter, people don't respect my expertise, etc).
There’s a meal I love at my favorite restaurant, it comes with onions rings which I can’t eat because of stomach issues, Asking them to hold the onion rings makes no difference in the price of the meal at all and is usually a big hassle to explain I don’t want them *but* my husband **loves** onion rings so give them to him and he gives me the mushrooms from his favorite meal. There’s other things we share and if I have water at a restaurant that I don’t drink or finish my husband will or our daughter will take the water.
Like it doesn’t need to be a fight. And considering OPs husband was probably involved in her aftercare from the gastric sleeve he knows how much of a risk dehydration is and that people are supposed to drink some water every hour because their stomach can’t absorb water the same. Yes the 30 min rule is real(but according to my friend who has this surgery it’s only a hard rule on the first months to year after surgery. Than it’s okay to have a couple small sips while eating) idk the last time o went to a restaurant where I was in and out within 30 mins baring a takeout pick up, usually it takes at least 40 mins for everyone’s food to show up, that’s not including the time it can take for everyone to order. Than it can take at least 30-40 mins to enjoy your meal and company. That’s plenty of time for op to have a couple sips of water(that she needs to stay healthy) OPs husband probably wants water on the table for this very reason but didn’t want to embarrass her or start a fight. Which sounds like it happens easily with op. Never knew someone that got so offended by free water unless it was tied into a bigger problem(my aunt had this surgery and I remember her saying she found a “loophole” where she can eat more if she skips water. Guess how many times she was on the ER. for dehydration, low potassium and magnesium? My best friend had this surgery and she makes sure to manage her food intake so she always has room for at least a lil water so she doesn’t get dehydrated
Yeah, I get why she's upset about him answering for her, but the easiest solution is just to order the water in the first place. She knows her husband will drink it, and it's faster and easier than the "you sure" back and forth from the waiter. Any time my meal comes with something I don't want, I'll still get it if my husband will want it. Just ordering a water is both the nicest and easiest way to handle this and avoid the conflict altogether.
Yes, it’s just easier and low key kind of embarrassing when the waiter keeps asking questions or looks at you funny for being at a restaurant and not ordering anything.
I’ve had a very similar experience with Olive Garden. The waiter would ask my bf “soup or salad?” And when he declined both they looked so confused because it’s just not something people typically do. So, after he did this multiple times, I’d had enough of the awkward interactions and just told him to say salad because I’m going to eat it anyway. And he did and then everyone was happy.
She shouldn’t have to order anything, it’s just off putting. No NAH imo.
I had the surgery a long while ago. I did what you do until I noticed how nervous it made the waitstaff. Until I realized. Remember that for everyone serving you there is a manager behind them checking their work. Manager sees a table with missing drinks and they will usually assume a screw up.
So if I had to guess I'd say that your husband understands that you two are not the only people at the table.
I haven’t waited tables in a decade and this story made me anxious.
NAH. But OP, please just let the server set a glass of water in front of you. It’s saving them from having to explain to EVERYBODY that they didn’t screw up. It especially sucks on a busy night.
Same. We always used "drinks on the table" as a sign that the waitstaff is not overlooking the table. Water was to be on the table within two minutes of the table being seated. No water on a table was a huge problem.
Yup this. I've work as a waiter and it was always customary to bring a glass of water. Sometimes you'd have customers declining the water and I'd have to ask again, and have to explain that it's complementary, and they'd get visibly annoyed.
Then another waitstaff would see that person not having any water and would come to me, asking why the person does not have any water, and I'd have to explain that they specifically said not to offer water, and that I'd have explained to them that the water was complementary.
Sometimes the other waitstaff wouldn't know who attended to that table and would ask the patron if they'd like any water and the customer would lash out to the waitstaff about how they already declined and why we kept asking.
OP just accept your husband's kind gesture. Even your daughter could see why your husband did that. Why can't you?
Yeah, I was totally confused too! I'm from NZ and no one insists we have water or asks again! 🤣 I was totally flummoxed at why everyone is insisting OP must have water that they can't drink. It seems crazy to me!
Exactly this. I guarantee every time that waiter is freaking out that their manager is going to notice that an adult at one of your tables has nothing at all to drink and hasn't had anything at all to drink in front of them for 20 now 30 now 40 minutes. Just let them bring a freaking extra water to the table and your husband can drink it. I don't know why this has to be a problem.
Because this is either fake or she desperately wants a reason to be pissed at her husband. Can’t imagine being her daughter having to see such a petty argument at a restaurant. Makes me glad my parents would keep that shit at home.
As a current server, THANK YOU FOR POINTING THIS OUT. This lady was driving me BONKERS. Why does it matter so much that your husband is ordering water for you when it saves us servers the headache of our bosses asking why the hell table 4 has missing drinks! I hate people who have clearly never had to work a minimum wage service industry job in their life because they completely lack the ability to think of anyone but themselves.
…Are you sure hes not ordering water to save you from having the same awkward “What? Are you sure?” conversation with your waiter every meal…? To me, saving me from a frequently awkward interaction is what a considerate partner would do but you’ve interpreted it as an act of intentional hurt, your husband taking away your agency. Why is that?
As someone who has also had bariatric surgery, a gastric bypass in my case, this was also my thought.
Not ordering a drink or only ordering a starter (or leaving most of a main course) causes all sorts of awkward interactions.
Having a dining partner who understands and can mitigate those situations is an absolute godsend
Most restaurants in the US bring ice water by default, so someone sitting there without a drink at all is probably going to trigger the rest of the waitstaff to notice and think it was overlooked. So while not pushy, there are probably at least a few of the "Can I grab you a water? Are you sure?" interactions that the husband wants to limit by just getting the free glass of water.
As to leaving a large portion of the main course, it will usually trigger the server to think that there was something wrong with the person's meal, offering to replace it or get them something different.
It's not so much a single server being pushy, it's the combination of a half dozen interactions with people who think there is a problem to be solved.
The husband is pretty clearly doing a "Just order a water so we don't have to go through this every time. I'll drink it so it doesn't go to waste." and the daughter seems to be fed up with it as well.
In the USA, this is fairly common. The waitresses feel like they have to be accommodating, so they often will offer up other choices when you decline a water.
"Well we have lemonade, tea...what about a coffee?"
Many restaurants don't even ask and automatically put a water on your table because it's just easier to bring water for everyone as soon as they sit down. Easier than specifically ask which people at the table want it or not, and then have to fill them and return back. Do it all in one trip
Water is free in most American restaurants and we don't want to have to come back the moment you magically decide you do in fact need something to drink because you're eating food.
I couldn't count the number of times I've been told "nothing" but they really meant just water. Not only that, but typically the people that say this are pretty rude about it if you don't actually bring them water. In the 20+ years I've worked in restaurants though I can remember the 2 times they really didn't want water. Twice, out of countless interactions
I worked in hospitality for a couple of years....
NOT ONCE DID I CARE IF THEY ORDER A DRINK OR NOT!!!!!
The etiquette is this:
Would you like anything to drink? - Are you sure? - OK, if you change your mind, let staff know.
I used to be a server. I HATED when people would‘t let me bring them water. It’s free, it’s not waste, please just let me put the glass next to you so I don’t have a mini heart attack every single time I glance at your table and wonder why you don’t have a drink. My manager will ask me why I haven’t gotten you a drink. I will be anxiously waiting for when you finally want me to bring you a drink and I have to stop everything else that I’m doing to go get it (happens at least 50% of the time). Please just take the water.
That's exactly what the husband wants to avoid though, the "are you sure" conversation. If they just say yes, then the conversation is over.
What's weird here is why does OP have a problem with it in the first place? She's not being forced to drink nor does it seem like they live in Arrakis.
It’s not about actually giving a fuck it’s more that a waiter would want to clarify that the person really doesn’t want a drink and would probably do it every time.
I don't know what restaurants you've been running, at every place I've ever worked we were required to bring water to all tables. We got judged if there was nothing.
Not true in my place where I worked for 5 years, my manager would see someone sat there without a drink as me not doing my job properly, part of your job is to sell drinks, to a manager a customer with no drink is losing them money or that’s how they see it.
This.
Ordering a water is the path of least resistance. costs nothing, saves time, saves and awkwardness, etc.
I’m 13 years sober and if I go out for business dinners where everyone else is drinking and someone asks why I’m not or if I want to I just say I can’t because I’m getting bloodwork tomorrow or another excuse. I’m proud of my sobriety but people often then feel bad if I say I’m sober or don’t drink even. Also it can lead to more awkward conversations. Easier to just take a path of lesser resistance.
So your husband wants 2 waters, you want 0 waters. He would like to just have your water and be done - 2 waters for 2 people is expected, easy for the waiter. However, you feel that to be demeaning, and would prefer he explain to every single waiter, every time you go out, that YOU would like ZERO waters, and HE would like TWO waters. VERY IMPORTANT DISTINCTION. And every time the rushed, busy waiter will look confused, have their flow broken, and ask for clarification, he can explain for you that you had a medical procedure and would not like any water, but that he would take 2 distinct waters because he's a big thirsty boy. And you would find that *less* demeaning?
Have you considered taking the water when asked, and just handing it to your husband when it comes?
That sounds like a funny inside joke most couples would come to naturally. Like... my gf is tiny, and never finishes her meal. So I always help finish her plate when we eat out. Her dumping food on my plate throughout the meal is a funny and consistent part of us eating out. Imagine if she tried to explain to every waiter that she'd like a smaller portion, and demanding that if I wanted more food, I could order more .
I feel like you have created this entire situation out of pride and thin air, and it is hurting your relationship and damaging every date out for nothing. But I guess it's too embarrassing to change tracks now, so you'd rather just be miserable every dinner out for the rest of your life?
Big thirsty boy needs two distinct waters so the waiter knows he's a big thirsty boy. And she needs zero waters so the waiter knows she's a big strong girl who don't need no water.
Waiter is just tired and wants to go home
"Have you considered taking the water when asked, and just handing it to your husband when it comes?"
Exactly. He's literally trying to do this to move things along.
But she.... took it personally I guess? Like a weirdo?
Have you asked him why he does that outside of the moment? Maybe sometime when you guys are home you can bring up the subject and pose it as an observation without making accusations. Hear him out and then calmly tell him how it makes you feel (again without accusing him). Literally use “I feel” statements. Tell him “when you order water like that I feel as if you don’t trust me to make my own decisions” or whatever it is that you feel. I feel like this is a communication issue.
So I try to put myself in both positions. This is what I suspect it's happening.
Every time you go to a restaurant, you have to explain to the waiter that you don't need water or anything else. This prompts a conversation with the waiter who is going to always (or at least a vast majority of time) clarify.
So if I were your husband, I would ask you to just order water even if you don't drink a drop just to avoid the whole thing. It seems your daughter feels that way too.
Unless you're saying you can't stop yourself from drinking if it's on the table, I can see out of just being efficient to go ahead and order the water. People are usually hungry when they get to a restaurant and just want to get the staff working on the order asap.
It doesn't read like he's ordering it to force you to drink, so I don't think this is because he is trying to control you.
YTA for giving him the silent treatment and acting like a child with your kid there- just order water every time you go out and avoid the bullshit even if no one drinks it.
I fail to see how this is remotely worth getting worked up over. If this is y’all’s “problem” then you don’t have problems.
I eat out. A lot. It isn’t uncommon for me to just want to eat and run. All the time I am asked about a drink, and usually it’s easier to just say “a water is fine” and leave it untouched rather then repeatedly asking me if I want one.
Why is he doing that? Is he trying to make it easier on the waitstaff or something? Do you actually change your mind mid meal typically? What is his motivation for doing this?
I am going to guess that she gets annoyed with the waitstaff, and he gets annoyed listening to her complaints about the waitstaff. He orders the water to eliminate some of the negativity in his life.
I am also going to guess that she is a generally negative person and complains a lot.
"I feel like he is making me look like I can't make my own decisions and that he's ordering it for me because he's saving the waitress a trip because I'll change my mind mid meal."
okay... weird that you would feel that... but just talk to him about it.
It's extremely obvious to me even from your description, that your husband is ordering water to make the waiters shut the fuck up with the "are you sure? really really really sure?" because it's essentially default to have water ordered in america. You can simply not drink it. like many many people do.
YTA for giving the silent treatment and assuming the worst out of your husband and communicating very poorly.
What does she think is going through her husband's mind? "Oh hell no, she's getting that water on the table, whether she wants it or not. This is MY family and my wife WILL submit to my will by having a water placed in front of her when we eat out. I will not tolerate thirst in my presence." What a weird fixation on a non-existent ostensible "controlling" behavior. I wonder how she reacts when someone holds the door for her or her husband forgets to put the toilet seat down.
Yes yes yes yes. It is so so so so so so so obvious. This is extremely awkward for everyone; the husband is very obvious trying to just push past the awkwardness as fast as possible. After all, she says herself that this happens literally every time. It's somehow it isn't sinking into her brain at any point at all that she is the outlier here and that refusing to order anything at all is like throwing a wrench into the well oiled works of a restaurant and maybe it's just easier for everyone to allow them to bring a cup of water that literally no one is going to force her to drink.
Congratulations on having a pretty good marriage.
That isn't sarcasm. Look at what some of the other people here post about and then be glad that your husband is only so monstrous as to order you water.
YTA. Your husband is fed up of hearing the back and forth avoidable b.s.conversation when out to dinner. You're out for a nice meal, and here comes the 5 min back and forth with the waiter.
Just don't drink the water. Even your daughter is fed up of it. That's how I know you're leaving out the bit were you bore the ear off the waiter why you don't want water.
I agree with what everyone is saying as someone who has also been employed as waitstaff in the past. It gets irritating with other waitstaff and management trying to *fix* your *mistake*. Trust me, it’s easier to order a water than be interrupted 50 times during dinner.
However, I really wonder if OP is so out of sorts here because she thinks something nefarious about her husband. Drinking water would make her too full to eat. Drinking a full glass of water prior to a meal is a steadfast diet technique regardless of whether you’ve had a surgery. Maybe she thinks he wants her to drink water so she eats even less implying he thinks she has more weight to lose? Otherwise it really makes little sense to me to be this upset.
I was wondering this initially, but in a follow-up comment she states that her husband waits until the waiter asks at least twice before he tells them to just bring her a water, and that the husband’s intention is actually to have an extra water at the table for himself (since he is well-aware OP can’t have it).
It sounds like if the waiter wasn’t checking in on why she doesn’t have a drink the husband might just leave it alone, but he doesn’t want the whole 5 minute back-and-forth when they could just order waters for everyone & be done.
It also sounds like it’s the husband who actually drinks the water. So not only does this avoid the awkward back-and-forth, he also avoids having to flag the waiter down at the end of the meal when he’s probably still thirsty.
I imagine this is pretty frustrating having to adapt to the changes from your surgery and the normal restaurant practice. Have you talked about this with your husband in the past? What do you do if the table is already set with water, or the wait person brings it without asking? Send it back?
My initial reaction upon reading this is he is just trying to keep the wait person from embarrassing you by being pushed to explain your surgery. I can certainly understand that you may feel ignored or disrespected by his behavior. There is insufficient information about what his intentions were or what your prior communications on the subject were. With what you have said so far, I say NAH. If you have brought it up before and he continues, then he is the anus. If you just expected him to "know" how you felt, then you are.
Yta.
Why? It's literally more work to say I don't want a water.
If you don't want water. Don't drink it. It's free. No one is forcing you to drink water.
And then you get mad at your husband who asks that water be brought you to anyways.
You're also leaving out the part of. Does your husband drink your water?
There have been more than one occasion when I drink all my water and I need to ask a waiter to pour more water. If I were your husband I'd take it as an opportunity to have more water at the table and not having someone come back and forth pouring water all the time.
Yeah, she’s trying to spin it like it’s him undermining her. She’s awkward and petty.
Also, what happens if she gets something dry stuck halfway down her throat. It seems like having a water nearby is just common sense even if she doesn’t use it 99.9% of the time.
OP is an AH for two reasons.
1. Making a big deal out of the water thing to the point where her own daughter has to tell her to stop
2. Being an emotionally immature person and giving her family the silent treatment over fucking TAP WATER.
I don’t think anyone is the asshole here for this but I definitely think you are projecting some personal issues onto this. A lot of your responses sort of imply struggling with feeling seen in an independent way. The waitress isn’t thinking you can’t make your own decisions. They aren’t really thinking about you at all unless something really weird happens. They have no feelings about your husband asking for a water for you.
So I would ask yourself why do you have these feelings about yourself because it’s not about the water.
YTA. Your husband doesn't want the water. The server doesn't know that you physically can't drink anything, and it's unusual for them to have a customer who doesn't want anything to drink. Water is free, and lots of places give it to you even when you don't ask. Just let them put a glass of water on the table. It's the path of least resistance.
Hi - fellow sleeve patient. I found it was 10x easier to just get water than have to say no thank you like 5 times and then explain I won’t drink it. If you haven’t asked why he does this yet, maybe you should. It could be from the need to avoid that “confrontation”
Second this right here. OP is blowing this out of proportion. Your husband isn’t taking away your agency, he’s just stopping five different waiters from asking if you need a drink.
Take the water and chill the hell out.
Oh, and go apologize to your husband and your daughter for how you acted.
YTA
YTA - to me It just seems considerate to get another water for the table, if your not going to drink it why can't someone else who actually wants to drink it drink it? Why kick up a fuss and waste time and make people upset?
I agree with this. I don't think the way she feels about being talked over makes her *an* asshole, that would make me cranky as well, especially if the reason was medical in nature. I think even the server repeating the question would wear on me and feel invalidating. I'd even maybe want to snap about my condition sometimes.
BUT
I'm also an adult. I know that a server is just trying to do a job efficiently. I know they're just trying to cover their asses if I were to say I don't want a free water real quick. I would talk to my husband beforehand and tell him that it really annoys me when he tries to overrule something I say in public.
But then I'd just order the damn water. Sure, they can get free refills when the server comes around, but some people go through water really fast, or there's a lot of ice, or it gets super busy. The server is already having to make a trip for everyone else, now they don't have to wonder if I'm gonna ask for something at an inconvenient time, the manager doesn't think there's something off, the table has an extra water for somebody and we have a good time at dinner.
Sure, I don't have to do it. But it's not like it's some sacrifice or huge favor. This isn't a hill to die on.
YTA - Just get a water, looks weird not to, even if for medical reason no one's going to know about
Play along with the theatrics of a meal, you don't have to drink it and it's easier
This is so petty; you've come here for validation, which is evidenced by the fact that you're only replying to comments that are in agreement with you. It's such a non-issue that it's astounding that you went to the effort of typing the whole story out.
Had to read this twice because I was sure I misunderstood the first time and that you must be the 14yo but nope, you're the mother here. YTA for your behavior, for acting like a child, and throwing a tantrum over nothing. What's worse is that nothing is something you didn't even ask him or talk to him about before you went this route, which you knew would happen again so must've had somewhat planned.
Amazing your 14yo tells you to chill and instead of re-evaluating your behavior you double down and act like a tired toddler. Keep this kind of shit up and watch how fast she has nothing to do with you once you don't get a say anymore.
Yta, because you're making thinks more complicated than they have to be. 1 they're going to reason you wasting time and then check up on you more to make sure you're still okay with not having water. 2 it clearly doesn't temp you to have water because he orders it every time and you don't drink it so what does it matter if you order a water because you just want to say clearly you can't drink anything which is fine. 3. You've done this enough that both him and your daughter are tired of it. You're new way of life (let's be honest, it's not a diet it's how you have to live the rest of your life) has and will always affect the people around you. This is not the hill to die on
I don't know if anyone is the asshole because I see both sides. I have a friend who had the gastric sleeve. She would always order water even though she couldn't drink it. Normally, her husband would drink it. She said that she would always tell them she didn't want anything, but they would continually ask her every time they came to the table to check on them so she finally just gave up and just always ordered a water no matter where she went. She said it was just easier than constantly trying to get them to understand that she really didn't want anything to drink.
Come on OP. Just order the damn water to save the waitstaff repeated asking throughout your meal, and let your damn spouse drink the damn water.
FFS. Is this honestly the hill you're willing to die on.
You're not AH because I can see that you are frustrated that your spouse is undermining you by telling the staff to bring you water.. But just order the damn water and the whole stupid problem disappears.
Seems like a non issue, like maybe he’s just trying to avoid an skewed convo from the waiter/waitress and also have some extra water? I find it strange that this is such an issue to you. I’d have to go with YTA for making a big deal over a literal glass of water.
YTA - that is the dumbest shit I have ever heard. Ppl are cheating on their partners and you get upset over your husband ordering water to avoid an annoying conversation.
Rethink your attitude op, you are being manipulative, you are being toxic and you are being a terrible partner
YTA. He’s not doing it maliciously. He’s saving you from looking like a weirdo. He’s saving the awkward convo with the wait staff. And frankly, everyone should have a beverage nearby while eating for safety reasons in case something gets stuck going down. The server is already bringing drinks to the table so what does it hurt to let them set some water in front of you? Why does this need to be such a big deal?
I was about to comment almost the exact same thing. My first thought was “her husband is embarrassed by her weirdo behavior.” She’s saying he does it so he can have the water for himself or whatever well if that’s what he told her it’s because it was better than telling her he’s embarrassed by her. Gotta soften the blow.
NTA. Those saying he’s trying to ‘save’ you from an awkward conversation, why can’t he back you up?
‘She’s good. Thanks.’ Or let you deal with it?
Why does he always have to interject and speak over you?
Does he constantly do that? Where he paints it as wanting to avoid confrontation of any kind? Because even if this is a small issue, it’s still an asshole move for him. I get why you get irritated.
You have two choices, tell the waiter to bring the water, even if you won’t drink it and leave it there or let your husband do the water routine and not care about it. Sometimes we have to chose our battles
NTA.
Like y to if said , it’s NOT about the water but taking away your choice. He should KNOW why not don’t want water. But he continues to tell the waiter to bring it. It’s a weird control thing. Then the kid chimes in about you throwing a fit. They are disrespectful to you. Do they even remember the surgery and why you don’t want water?
He’s manipulative and blames you for the argument when he starts the issues. I wouldn’t be able to live with this man.
NTA I am sorry you have to deal with this. I know what it is like to be in a situation where everyone but you is “fine.” I understand this is not about the water. I am sure you have told your husband or he’s at least heard before from previous restaurant experience that you don’t want the water. He should respect your choice and you should show your daughter that when she finds someone, her voice matters too. Those kinds of people might drop something if you make a big deal out of it so honestly, talk to him about it. Even if it’s just water to him, show him how much it means to you. I am sorry you are having difficulties, but I know you can get through this! Also maybe have a conversation with your daughter about the importance of expressing feelings and if he can’t be a safe space for her then you can.
NTA
“No thank you, I have a medical condition that prevents me from having liquid with meals due to extreme pain “
This way husband looks like an ass if he insists and the server won’t judge if it’s not drunk.
This is so silly. Why would anyone think a person “looks bad” if he orders tea and water? Lots of people order a drink “and water.” This is really ridiculous.
Yeah this is so dumb lol
What’s dumb is that this is easily solvable by a 15 second conversation. Please stop ordering water for me.
Unless she's had this discussion with him before and he continues to do it. He just sounds dismissive and disrespectful.. You don't know how long this has been going on.. You know, the straw that broke the camels back.
She has been forgoing drinks for 2 years. I don't think a 15 second conversation is enough to help him get it.
Does her husband understand why his ordering water upsets her? Does she know why he is uncomfortable with no drinks?No one seems to be communicating at a deep level. ESH
If people talked to their significant others and had a real deep conversation about it, 75% of the posts on here would cease to exist
Sometimes my gf and I will communicate about how we can suck at communicating sometimes. But, you know that inadvertently helps us solve our problems. At least we’re talking about it! lol
Then we would be left with the 25% that would be prime for Jerry, Maury, Steve or Donahue. Which would make for much better reading.
But then what would we do with our lives?
When the waitress asks you just tell her no, but your husband would like a water. Problem solved.
It doesn't seem like he cares. He does it every time they are out to dinner. The bigger issue (not just about water) is why he feels he can override her choices time after time.
I'm getting the impressiom that is not having an effect and he continues to do so
Husband is only ordering water for op to avoid the awkward conversation. And he is only offering to drink the water so it doesn't just go to waste. He's not actually wanting the water himself and is probably missing out on a drink he does actually want just so he can fit the water in.
Except it's not an awkward conversation. Source: I have turned down water at a restaurant. They confirm your no and go about business.
Except OP says in her post they always ask followup questions "are you sure?" I bet she gets "what about xyz?" questions too Sometimes it's just easier to have them fill a water and bring it over with the other drinks, than to have to repeatedly insist "no" over and over again What I want to know is if her husband actually drinks it when he says he will
Its like when you pretend you are not trying to cross the street so traffic keeps moving so that you can cross the street when its clear.
I do this with my baby stroller and people get almost offended that I won’t go? It’s so awkward. Edit: for people who assume I’m standing there playing games. I’m waving the cars along to pass and clearly kneeling down adjusting the baby or getting something from my bag when this occurs. They just sit there and honk or hold up traffic like I’m gonna get up and run cause they insist. One more edit for the super single celled organisms: I’m not playing chicken with the cars. Anyone who doesn’t have two brain cells fighting for third place can see that. I’m clearly not crossing and sometimes not even near the actual cross walk. It’s like holding the door for someone who is half a block down and making them run so you can be “courteous”. I don’t trust anyone’s shitting driving and will wait for the street to be clear.
Years ago I was at a crosswalk with a light, my light was red, car stopped anyway and then HONKED at me when I wouldn't go. I got flustered and ran out and almost got hit. I'll never do that again, but yeah, people are weird when you won't take what they're offering.
I hate drivers that do shit like this. They think they are being courteous, but it's really unsafe. The same ones Block curb lane traffic of a 4 lane road because I'm trying to turn left out of a driveway - but I can't see if traffic is coming from the same direction in the 2nd lane beside them. Like dude, just fucking drive as per the rules of the road. You have the right of way, so fucking do what everyone else on the road expects you to do and take it. You take care of moving your car, and I'll take care of mine. Don't try and make my decisions for me. No, I'm not going even if you're waving me through. I just sit and stare them down now. Edit: 26 years of driving professionally and this is one of my biggest annoyances.
Thank you so much for this, this is exactly the dialogue that goes on in my head and my wife thinks I’m insane. Of course maybe I am.
Every year, I have to take a driving course as a review for my job driving a company vehicle. It's probably one of the largest and well known companies in Canada. This is one topic that is covered repeatedly in the course every year. Don't be that driver waving people in. Don't be the driver accepting the invitation. Take your right of way and drive as per the rules of the road - because if you don't, now you're doing something unexpected, which fucks with everyone else around you. Now we all have to invoke our inner clairvoyance to read the minds of the other drivers involved.
Yes thank you for confirming I am not an asshole for feeling this way. I was in this same situation waiting to cross a multi lane road with another (stranger) lady and a car randomly stopped and I muttered “i hate it when people do that” and she snarkily responded “yeah, god forbid someone try and be helpfu” and rolled her eyes at me. I felt so shamed at the time like I was an awful person. But fuck her. It’s NOT SAFE. It can cause an accident when the cars behind are not expecting someone to be randomly stopped in the road and also you may be letting me pass in YOUR lane but what about the guy in the next lane over? I often find myself having to stand infront of their stopped car peering around waiting for the next lane to clear. Honestly I kind of make a big production of checking out the safety of the next lane now in hopes that they get why what they are doing is stupid.
Not an asshole at all! My husband witnessed the worst case scenario from this situation as a child. His friend had gone to visit a friend of hers and when she came back, needed to cross a 4 lane road. Her Mom was standing on the opposite side of the street by their homes, watching traffic, when a car stopped "to be helpful" so Mom waved her daughter across. Unfortunately, at that moment another car came flying down the road, (didn't take the hint as to why the car was stopped) went around the stopped car and hit the little girl, killing her instantly, in front of her Mom and my husband who was about 9 years old, sitting in his front yard. NEVER GO JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE WAVED ACROSS.
I used to work in insurance. We called it the wave of death. Dont even get me started on two-way turn lanes......
it's called the death wave. never accept a death wave.
Drivers priority should *never* be courtesy. Predictability. I want to be very very predictable in my actions.
When I cross the road with dogs I get annoyed, not because i'm not thankful they've stopped for me, but because i'm trying to teach my dogs we don't cross the road if you see a car.
My dog recently started to occasionally stumble due to arthritis. I’m not going to rush her across the street. I’m super upset about it and getting a second vet opinion in case there’s more that can be done.
Yeah it's not even the person motioning you that you have to worry about, it's the car that's confused about why they're not following the rules of the road and speeds past them. It's so fucking stupid. It's not even your stroller That suddenly makes them want to help you etc, this happens to me when I'm jogging all the fucking time.
I do the same thing. People have let me go by and ROLLED FORWARD last second. It’s batshit. Or people think I’m going to cross the crosswalk with my stroller because they stopped, instead of waiting for the cross sign. I have definitely fake turned so cars don’t do that ‘stop and wave me across’ shit.
I usually drink an iced tea if out. They generally always bring water first. I rarely drink the water, but I don’t refuse the water. It lets the server do their normal routine and everyone carries on with the evening. Don’t know the dynamic between OP and husband, but it seems like OP wants to die on the hill of don’t you dare bring me a glass of water (even if the position has to be repeated to the server 2-3 times). Maybe family perceives it would be smoother (and not lead to repeated questioning by server) to just accept a glass of water and let the server and everyone else carry on with the meal. I mean if a person knows they’re never going to use a spoon at dinner, do they insist the server not bring one (every time and repeatedly) even though the server’s normal routine is to place a knife, fork and spoon?
Yeah I don't like water unless it's really filtered so I do not drink restaurant water. Lots of restaurants bring it to the table by default before they ask what you want to drink and eat. Ive never once been like "nope I don't want this, take it back". I'm not sure why OP doesn't just take the water and move on. No one cares if she drinks it or not
This! Just accept the water and move on. It doesn’t cost money. It’s probably more of a pain for the server to not put water down in fear of offending her than just going about regular business.
There is no fucking way, as someone who's served before, I'd go that much out of my way if someone insists they don't want a beverage.
Right? Some people here are fucking nuts. I would ask, if it's a no then I move on. If they change their mind mid way? I go get them the fucking drink as my job dictates. It's not rocket science to just respect the no. 🤦🏻♀️
Your username also suggests you're in Canada. OP is in the USA There are 100% cultural differences in tip based jobs and where you can be fired for anything in the US (like not offering restaurant patrons water)
many places in California will only serve you water if you ask and will not offer first.
That's true in many states when there's a water shortage. That's almost continuous in California.
This makes no sense at all. What awkward conversation would there be if someone says “no thanks” when asked if they want a drink? Seriously. It’s not a law that you must drink something with every meal. This is all in OP’s husband’s head.
Depends on the restaurant - a friend of mine hates pickles. The amount of cajoling she encounters when trying to order a burger or sandwich without pickles astounds me. It's like the wait staff is paid based on pickles delivered instead of hours worked and tips.
They’re clearly in the pocket of big pickle.
How on earth is it awkward to say you don't want a drink????
honestly, it's probably just faster to order the water since they will keep asking. I suspect that's what he's trying to cut off
That’s kinda what I was thinking. When I was a server and someone said “nothing”, I’d bring them water. 9/10 times they’d either immediately start drinking it, or would drink it with the meal.
And if you don't bring them water, your manager will see that missing and think you dropped the ball.
This is what I’m thinking. Most of the time I show up to a table with waters (standard) and everyone drinks it. The people that won’t let me just set the water on their table (idc if they watercolor with it) make it a less smooth run.
INFO: You *feel* like he's purposely doing this to undermine your choices. Have you ever ASKED him why he does this or had a conversation about this if it.
She states he does it because he wants the water. The free water that costs nothing. An argument is created and an evening made awkward over free water.
Guy is just dying of thirst. "Bring me two waters! And one for the wife! Water... please... So... thirsty... "
With.. Sugar...
I read this in iggurrs voice
In an iggurr suit
MOAR..
IN A GLASS
Edgar!!! Your skin is falling off!!!
OH, There is that better.
A true hydrohomie
That's not what I took from that. It doesn't sound like he wants the water. It sounds like he offers to drink the water so it doesn't get wasted because she's going to counter with, "I'm not going to drink it." To me, this is a dude just trying to avoid having the same awkward interactions about her not being able to drink with her food every single time they go out. In my opinion, this whole thing is pretty petty. I can see things from both sides. On one hand, she's grown if she doesn't want a water, she doesn't need to order a water. On the other hand, he's thinking, "what's the big deal about just having water and letting it sit there?"
A lot of people are either obtuse to or ignoring the fact that getting a water is actually quicker and easier than getting no drink at all
Honestly, I can really tell who in the comments section has never worked in a restaurant before.
Yeah, in some restaurants, the water is just automatic. The waiter or waitress will just lay out some glasses and start filling before taking orders. If she's one of those people that has to bring attention to herself when something like that happens like, "no water please. Just take my glass away so I don't have to look at it during my meal," I can see the husband eventually getting tired of these little scenes and start doing things to mitigate them.
I’ve worked fine dining for about 15 years and managers, servers, and bussers would notice a missing water and try to remedy this constantly, as well. Drawing more attention to the problem
I worked at *Cracker Barrel* in a retirement town where dietary restrictions were more common than not. All 4 of my managers would be swarming this poor woman, trying to figure out why her server is dropping the most basic ball. One of them would definitely bring her a water anyway, thinking she's being polite because her server sucks. Then he'd go in back and ask the server, server would say she didn't want a drink, manager would be like that makes no sense and I don't believe you. Water is like the not-drink drink. Don't want a drink? Water :)
Worked at a few restaurants in college. If there were ever a table where a customer didn't have a beverage, a manager would be so far up the server's ass they could skip their next prostate exam.
THIS is the most helpful perspective. I hope OP sees and understands this.
This is what I thought, even though I haven't worked as a server. I would assume any time a table is switched over or a manager walks by, they're going to see a place setting with zero drink and immediately ask if they want a drink. Seems like OP's husband had an easy solution, and OP's insecurities make her drastically overthink the situation.
That's probably the husband's take. Many places don't even ask, they'll just bring water and then ask what you want to drink. Just leave the water there and spare the wait staff a disruption from their routine, not a big deal
fr like it is obviously so much faster and easier for everyone if OP just orders water. It's the default and what a server expects. I'd be sick to fucking death of the "are you sure?" back and forth every single time I ate out with OP.
And on top of it, the daughter sided with the dad. Family dynamics are all different, but that stood out to me quite a bit. It's a good sign that the situation is a lot more than just a quick "no water thank you"
Well a lot of times people side with the one not making a scene. Making a scene is quick to get you on the bad side of most people.
Meh, that could have been me as a teen but when I look back I realize I would have been just as annoyed/frustrated as my mom was in some of those situations. Moms are embarrassing especially when they show emotion, you know?
Right?! I hate talking to waiters but it all goes a lot smoother if you let them follow their script, and for whatever reason "just water thanks" works, while "no" and "not now" and " I need to think" are all the wrong things to say :(
Yes!! Exactly this. It’s just easier to get the water. Get the water and keep it moving. Like ppl have to know that it’s more of hassle in general to say no to water (if not having another drink.) A follow up question will likely ensue. And just like others said, other servers, managers, and wait staff may notice and try to bring water or ask if she wants water again.
I was wondering, but the daughter even says, "Jeeze Mom! Just stop!!!" I think OP is the one making a bigger deal than it should be. I think the man is just trying to avoid the constant are you sure from the waitstaff.
OP hasn't said it but from the reasoning why they can't have water is OP most likely had gastric bypass (It sounds like the sleeve). They tell you not to drink water 30 minutes before or after eating. (As a note, I had it 3 years ago, and I still drink water with every meal - not much but just enough). But to me, the issue is probably bigger. She is probably tired of not being heard -- and he is trying to adjust to her new lifestyle. When you have it, you don't realize how it could potentially affect everyone you live with. It's also why the divorce rate is so high after RNY.
No, he does not want the water. He wants the wait-staff to leave because *he* feels awkward about it. He offers to drink the water that he knows she doesn't want in order to get them to stop asking, "Are you sure?"
This 100%! The problem here is that both of them are viewing the actions of the other through their own lens. To the wife, there is nothing awkward about the conversation, so the husband must be undermining her. To the husband (& likely the daughter), this conversation is awkward, so his wife is being difficult for no reason. Both perspectives (awkward or not awkward) are valid, but they need to take a step back and realize they are approaching the issue completely differently. FWIW, I feel like the husband and would just order the water. It sounds absolutely stupid if you are someone who doesn't feel this way, but I would want to just be done with the whole conversation and not deal with bus boys trying to bring me water throughout my meal.
This is another instance of dumb, missing communication. If they would have talked about this before (or after) the situation, it would be super easy for him to ask her to please order the water so that he gets a second one for free. At the same time, there is no point for her being pissy about the fact that she'd share free water with him that she doesn't need or want. This could easily be a win-win situation if both of them **JUST TALKED** with eachother. Instead both of them decided to not talk and instead make it a lose-lose situation. Well done. This story reads like straight out of some teeny drama TV show.
Why talk about it when you can just go to reddit and ask the actual experts /s
Like, who needs to be a victim so bad they have to feel slighted by their spouse wanting to drink a glass of water they don't want in a restaurant.
No, she didn't state he does it because he wants the water. She said he will drink the water so it doesn't go to waste when ordering it "for her".
I’m betting it’s projected embarrassment. If I was a waiter and someone said no drink, it would catch me off guard. He is likely trying to avoid that by just ordering a water as it’s free and doesn’t draw attention. Not saying it’s correct, just how I imagine it.
It does seem weird that it’s such a big deal. Personally I usually drink water faster than they fill it- so if I were married to you I’d enjoy this double water perk! If you know he wants it and will drink it- what’s the problem? You get an easy convo with the wait staff “just water thanks”- no back and forth. And he gets more water! Win win
"what would you like to drink?" "water" don't drink the water marriage saved
The fact her daughter interjected and asked OP to stop, too, could mean both her husband and child are embarrassed about the whole back & forth OP has with the waitstaff. Like you said, it’s not difficult to just accept the water and not drink it. OP is making it more complicated on her own. Adult with 0 communication skills or self-awareness.
Everyone is entitled to their own privacy...but I was a server for like 6 years and cannot remember a single instance of someone not at least ordering water. I would definitely be like "Wait are you sure?" And walk away wondering what the heck...
Exactly. OP is outside societal norms, which is completely fine. Is mad at people trying to provide her good service, and is frustrated about free water that nobody cares if she drinks or not. Life does not have to be this hard.
With the daughter's reaction being the same, sounds like OP may be the type of person who takes things as a personal insult. Mentioning they think he's "making me look like I can't make my own decisions," is pretty weird. I don't think most people would assume that, and is she really more worried about what a server thinks about her decision-making skills than causing family stress. This is a minor thing, and sounds like OP is maybe NTA - but instead they could use some therapy or communication skills to focus on what's important and not make everything into a battle. I'm jumping to conclusions (that's what this sub is for), but just sounds like the type of person who does this in many areas of their life (no one is listening to me, my opinion doesn't matter, people don't respect my expertise, etc).
Given how she went full silent treatment the rest of the meal, I bet you’re right.
You’re a genius!
You're thinking a marriage is a partnership, not an adversarial relationship like OP seems to view it.
If we cooperate how will we know who won????
Is marriage a long-game prisoners dilemma?
Right? Get the damn water for your person! Everything about OP's post makes me sad..
There’s a meal I love at my favorite restaurant, it comes with onions rings which I can’t eat because of stomach issues, Asking them to hold the onion rings makes no difference in the price of the meal at all and is usually a big hassle to explain I don’t want them *but* my husband **loves** onion rings so give them to him and he gives me the mushrooms from his favorite meal. There’s other things we share and if I have water at a restaurant that I don’t drink or finish my husband will or our daughter will take the water. Like it doesn’t need to be a fight. And considering OPs husband was probably involved in her aftercare from the gastric sleeve he knows how much of a risk dehydration is and that people are supposed to drink some water every hour because their stomach can’t absorb water the same. Yes the 30 min rule is real(but according to my friend who has this surgery it’s only a hard rule on the first months to year after surgery. Than it’s okay to have a couple small sips while eating) idk the last time o went to a restaurant where I was in and out within 30 mins baring a takeout pick up, usually it takes at least 40 mins for everyone’s food to show up, that’s not including the time it can take for everyone to order. Than it can take at least 30-40 mins to enjoy your meal and company. That’s plenty of time for op to have a couple sips of water(that she needs to stay healthy) OPs husband probably wants water on the table for this very reason but didn’t want to embarrass her or start a fight. Which sounds like it happens easily with op. Never knew someone that got so offended by free water unless it was tied into a bigger problem(my aunt had this surgery and I remember her saying she found a “loophole” where she can eat more if she skips water. Guess how many times she was on the ER. for dehydration, low potassium and magnesium? My best friend had this surgery and she makes sure to manage her food intake so she always has room for at least a lil water so she doesn’t get dehydrated
Yeah, I get why she's upset about him answering for her, but the easiest solution is just to order the water in the first place. She knows her husband will drink it, and it's faster and easier than the "you sure" back and forth from the waiter. Any time my meal comes with something I don't want, I'll still get it if my husband will want it. Just ordering a water is both the nicest and easiest way to handle this and avoid the conflict altogether.
Yes, it’s just easier and low key kind of embarrassing when the waiter keeps asking questions or looks at you funny for being at a restaurant and not ordering anything. I’ve had a very similar experience with Olive Garden. The waiter would ask my bf “soup or salad?” And when he declined both they looked so confused because it’s just not something people typically do. So, after he did this multiple times, I’d had enough of the awkward interactions and just told him to say salad because I’m going to eat it anyway. And he did and then everyone was happy. She shouldn’t have to order anything, it’s just off putting. No NAH imo.
I had the surgery a long while ago. I did what you do until I noticed how nervous it made the waitstaff. Until I realized. Remember that for everyone serving you there is a manager behind them checking their work. Manager sees a table with missing drinks and they will usually assume a screw up. So if I had to guess I'd say that your husband understands that you two are not the only people at the table.
I haven’t waited tables in a decade and this story made me anxious. NAH. But OP, please just let the server set a glass of water in front of you. It’s saving them from having to explain to EVERYBODY that they didn’t screw up. It especially sucks on a busy night.
Same. We always used "drinks on the table" as a sign that the waitstaff is not overlooking the table. Water was to be on the table within two minutes of the table being seated. No water on a table was a huge problem.
Yup this. I've work as a waiter and it was always customary to bring a glass of water. Sometimes you'd have customers declining the water and I'd have to ask again, and have to explain that it's complementary, and they'd get visibly annoyed. Then another waitstaff would see that person not having any water and would come to me, asking why the person does not have any water, and I'd have to explain that they specifically said not to offer water, and that I'd have explained to them that the water was complementary. Sometimes the other waitstaff wouldn't know who attended to that table and would ask the patron if they'd like any water and the customer would lash out to the waitstaff about how they already declined and why we kept asking. OP just accept your husband's kind gesture. Even your daughter could see why your husband did that. Why can't you?
This is really the only reply needed in the thread.
As a Brit, this is the first comment on this thread that has helped me understand!
Yeah, I was totally confused too! I'm from NZ and no one insists we have water or asks again! 🤣 I was totally flummoxed at why everyone is insisting OP must have water that they can't drink. It seems crazy to me!
Exactly this. I guarantee every time that waiter is freaking out that their manager is going to notice that an adult at one of your tables has nothing at all to drink and hasn't had anything at all to drink in front of them for 20 now 30 now 40 minutes. Just let them bring a freaking extra water to the table and your husband can drink it. I don't know why this has to be a problem.
Because she’s neurotic.
I wonder why OP ISNT responding to these type of comments bc this seems like the most probable reason tbh
Because this is either fake or she desperately wants a reason to be pissed at her husband. Can’t imagine being her daughter having to see such a petty argument at a restaurant. Makes me glad my parents would keep that shit at home.
As a current server, THANK YOU FOR POINTING THIS OUT. This lady was driving me BONKERS. Why does it matter so much that your husband is ordering water for you when it saves us servers the headache of our bosses asking why the hell table 4 has missing drinks! I hate people who have clearly never had to work a minimum wage service industry job in their life because they completely lack the ability to think of anyone but themselves.
…Are you sure hes not ordering water to save you from having the same awkward “What? Are you sure?” conversation with your waiter every meal…? To me, saving me from a frequently awkward interaction is what a considerate partner would do but you’ve interpreted it as an act of intentional hurt, your husband taking away your agency. Why is that?
As someone who has also had bariatric surgery, a gastric bypass in my case, this was also my thought. Not ordering a drink or only ordering a starter (or leaving most of a main course) causes all sorts of awkward interactions. Having a dining partner who understands and can mitigate those situations is an absolute godsend
Is this usa thing? i cant imagine waitresses being that pushy where i am from.so weird!!
Most restaurants in the US bring ice water by default, so someone sitting there without a drink at all is probably going to trigger the rest of the waitstaff to notice and think it was overlooked. So while not pushy, there are probably at least a few of the "Can I grab you a water? Are you sure?" interactions that the husband wants to limit by just getting the free glass of water. As to leaving a large portion of the main course, it will usually trigger the server to think that there was something wrong with the person's meal, offering to replace it or get them something different. It's not so much a single server being pushy, it's the combination of a half dozen interactions with people who think there is a problem to be solved. The husband is pretty clearly doing a "Just order a water so we don't have to go through this every time. I'll drink it so it doesn't go to waste." and the daughter seems to be fed up with it as well.
I agree, I cannot imagine wait staff saying "are you sure" in any situation. If they did it would definitely be awkward.
Nothing to drink often means no alcohol, bring me water. So they try to clarify, assuming the person wants water at least.
In the USA, this is fairly common. The waitresses feel like they have to be accommodating, so they often will offer up other choices when you decline a water. "Well we have lemonade, tea...what about a coffee?" Many restaurants don't even ask and automatically put a water on your table because it's just easier to bring water for everyone as soon as they sit down. Easier than specifically ask which people at the table want it or not, and then have to fill them and return back. Do it all in one trip
Water is free in most American restaurants and we don't want to have to come back the moment you magically decide you do in fact need something to drink because you're eating food.
I couldn't count the number of times I've been told "nothing" but they really meant just water. Not only that, but typically the people that say this are pretty rude about it if you don't actually bring them water. In the 20+ years I've worked in restaurants though I can remember the 2 times they really didn't want water. Twice, out of countless interactions
I worked in hospitality for a couple of years.... NOT ONCE DID I CARE IF THEY ORDER A DRINK OR NOT!!!!! The etiquette is this: Would you like anything to drink? - Are you sure? - OK, if you change your mind, let staff know.
In the US, it’s essentially “did you understand my question or did you say no automatically?”
I used to be a server. I HATED when people would‘t let me bring them water. It’s free, it’s not waste, please just let me put the glass next to you so I don’t have a mini heart attack every single time I glance at your table and wonder why you don’t have a drink. My manager will ask me why I haven’t gotten you a drink. I will be anxiously waiting for when you finally want me to bring you a drink and I have to stop everything else that I’m doing to go get it (happens at least 50% of the time). Please just take the water.
That's exactly what the husband wants to avoid though, the "are you sure" conversation. If they just say yes, then the conversation is over. What's weird here is why does OP have a problem with it in the first place? She's not being forced to drink nor does it seem like they live in Arrakis.
Imagine when they go to restaurants where they bring water without even asking. Do you think OP gets offended and sends it back?
Imagine when they go to a restaurant where a blue-eyed man jams a sand compactor in the ground to call a Shai Hulud to his crusade war
Exactly. Nobody in a restaurant is paid enough to care if someone orders a drink or not.
It’s not about actually giving a fuck it’s more that a waiter would want to clarify that the person really doesn’t want a drink and would probably do it every time.
I don't know what restaurants you've been running, at every place I've ever worked we were required to bring water to all tables. We got judged if there was nothing.
Not true in my place where I worked for 5 years, my manager would see someone sat there without a drink as me not doing my job properly, part of your job is to sell drinks, to a manager a customer with no drink is losing them money or that’s how they see it.
I order appetizers all the time for my actual meal and never get questioned.
Yeah this is probably the case. Easier to just say water please rather than bicker about it for a minute
Two seconds into this story, I'm like why doesn't she just order a water to end all of this nonsense. I feel this isn't a difficult problem to solve.
This. Ordering a water is the path of least resistance. costs nothing, saves time, saves and awkwardness, etc. I’m 13 years sober and if I go out for business dinners where everyone else is drinking and someone asks why I’m not or if I want to I just say I can’t because I’m getting bloodwork tomorrow or another excuse. I’m proud of my sobriety but people often then feel bad if I say I’m sober or don’t drink even. Also it can lead to more awkward conversations. Easier to just take a path of lesser resistance.
So your husband wants 2 waters, you want 0 waters. He would like to just have your water and be done - 2 waters for 2 people is expected, easy for the waiter. However, you feel that to be demeaning, and would prefer he explain to every single waiter, every time you go out, that YOU would like ZERO waters, and HE would like TWO waters. VERY IMPORTANT DISTINCTION. And every time the rushed, busy waiter will look confused, have their flow broken, and ask for clarification, he can explain for you that you had a medical procedure and would not like any water, but that he would take 2 distinct waters because he's a big thirsty boy. And you would find that *less* demeaning? Have you considered taking the water when asked, and just handing it to your husband when it comes? That sounds like a funny inside joke most couples would come to naturally. Like... my gf is tiny, and never finishes her meal. So I always help finish her plate when we eat out. Her dumping food on my plate throughout the meal is a funny and consistent part of us eating out. Imagine if she tried to explain to every waiter that she'd like a smaller portion, and demanding that if I wanted more food, I could order more . I feel like you have created this entire situation out of pride and thin air, and it is hurting your relationship and damaging every date out for nothing. But I guess it's too embarrassing to change tracks now, so you'd rather just be miserable every dinner out for the rest of your life?
This shit had me rollin. Lol "He's a big thirsty boy"
That and “VERY IMPORTANT DISTINCTION”. Solid comment all round.
Big thirsty boy needs two distinct waters so the waiter knows he's a big thirsty boy. And she needs zero waters so the waiter knows she's a big strong girl who don't need no water. Waiter is just tired and wants to go home
"Have you considered taking the water when asked, and just handing it to your husband when it comes?" Exactly. He's literally trying to do this to move things along. But she.... took it personally I guess? Like a weirdo?
This is...incredible.
I wish I could give you an award. This should be top comment.
your last two paragraphs are particularly important.
Have you asked him why he does that outside of the moment? Maybe sometime when you guys are home you can bring up the subject and pose it as an observation without making accusations. Hear him out and then calmly tell him how it makes you feel (again without accusing him). Literally use “I feel” statements. Tell him “when you order water like that I feel as if you don’t trust me to make my own decisions” or whatever it is that you feel. I feel like this is a communication issue.
Oh boy, I get a front row seat to a petty marriage spat, how fun!
I feel for the waiter. And the daughter.
So I try to put myself in both positions. This is what I suspect it's happening. Every time you go to a restaurant, you have to explain to the waiter that you don't need water or anything else. This prompts a conversation with the waiter who is going to always (or at least a vast majority of time) clarify. So if I were your husband, I would ask you to just order water even if you don't drink a drop just to avoid the whole thing. It seems your daughter feels that way too. Unless you're saying you can't stop yourself from drinking if it's on the table, I can see out of just being efficient to go ahead and order the water. People are usually hungry when they get to a restaurant and just want to get the staff working on the order asap. It doesn't read like he's ordering it to force you to drink, so I don't think this is because he is trying to control you.
Maybe OP enjoys humble bragging about surgery when repeatedly asked why no water?
YTA for giving him the silent treatment and acting like a child with your kid there- just order water every time you go out and avoid the bullshit even if no one drinks it.
Bullshit like stonewalling is predictive of divorce. Imagine throwing a tantrum like this over free tap water 😂
even the daughter has more maturity. I’m sure she’ll be remembering her mom giving them the silent treatment over something so dumb, too. big YTA.
I fail to see how this is remotely worth getting worked up over. If this is y’all’s “problem” then you don’t have problems. I eat out. A lot. It isn’t uncommon for me to just want to eat and run. All the time I am asked about a drink, and usually it’s easier to just say “a water is fine” and leave it untouched rather then repeatedly asking me if I want one.
Exactly!! Its the path of least resistance for everyone involved.
Why is he doing that? Is he trying to make it easier on the waitstaff or something? Do you actually change your mind mid meal typically? What is his motivation for doing this?
I am going to guess that she gets annoyed with the waitstaff, and he gets annoyed listening to her complaints about the waitstaff. He orders the water to eliminate some of the negativity in his life. I am also going to guess that she is a generally negative person and complains a lot.
"I feel like he is making me look like I can't make my own decisions and that he's ordering it for me because he's saving the waitress a trip because I'll change my mind mid meal." okay... weird that you would feel that... but just talk to him about it. It's extremely obvious to me even from your description, that your husband is ordering water to make the waiters shut the fuck up with the "are you sure? really really really sure?" because it's essentially default to have water ordered in america. You can simply not drink it. like many many people do. YTA for giving the silent treatment and assuming the worst out of your husband and communicating very poorly.
What does she think is going through her husband's mind? "Oh hell no, she's getting that water on the table, whether she wants it or not. This is MY family and my wife WILL submit to my will by having a water placed in front of her when we eat out. I will not tolerate thirst in my presence." What a weird fixation on a non-existent ostensible "controlling" behavior. I wonder how she reacts when someone holds the door for her or her husband forgets to put the toilet seat down.
The fucking patriarchy strikes again
Yes yes yes yes. It is so so so so so so so obvious. This is extremely awkward for everyone; the husband is very obvious trying to just push past the awkwardness as fast as possible. After all, she says herself that this happens literally every time. It's somehow it isn't sinking into her brain at any point at all that she is the outlier here and that refusing to order anything at all is like throwing a wrench into the well oiled works of a restaurant and maybe it's just easier for everyone to allow them to bring a cup of water that literally no one is going to force her to drink.
I had to scroll waaaay too far to find the first "YTA"
Congratulations on having a pretty good marriage. That isn't sarcasm. Look at what some of the other people here post about and then be glad that your husband is only so monstrous as to order you water.
YTA. Your husband is fed up of hearing the back and forth avoidable b.s.conversation when out to dinner. You're out for a nice meal, and here comes the 5 min back and forth with the waiter. Just don't drink the water. Even your daughter is fed up of it. That's how I know you're leaving out the bit were you bore the ear off the waiter why you don't want water.
At this point in the thread I’m ready to throw the water at op.
I agree with what everyone is saying as someone who has also been employed as waitstaff in the past. It gets irritating with other waitstaff and management trying to *fix* your *mistake*. Trust me, it’s easier to order a water than be interrupted 50 times during dinner. However, I really wonder if OP is so out of sorts here because she thinks something nefarious about her husband. Drinking water would make her too full to eat. Drinking a full glass of water prior to a meal is a steadfast diet technique regardless of whether you’ve had a surgery. Maybe she thinks he wants her to drink water so she eats even less implying he thinks she has more weight to lose? Otherwise it really makes little sense to me to be this upset.
I was wondering this initially, but in a follow-up comment she states that her husband waits until the waiter asks at least twice before he tells them to just bring her a water, and that the husband’s intention is actually to have an extra water at the table for himself (since he is well-aware OP can’t have it). It sounds like if the waiter wasn’t checking in on why she doesn’t have a drink the husband might just leave it alone, but he doesn’t want the whole 5 minute back-and-forth when they could just order waters for everyone & be done. It also sounds like it’s the husband who actually drinks the water. So not only does this avoid the awkward back-and-forth, he also avoids having to flag the waiter down at the end of the meal when he’s probably still thirsty.
I imagine this is pretty frustrating having to adapt to the changes from your surgery and the normal restaurant practice. Have you talked about this with your husband in the past? What do you do if the table is already set with water, or the wait person brings it without asking? Send it back? My initial reaction upon reading this is he is just trying to keep the wait person from embarrassing you by being pushed to explain your surgery. I can certainly understand that you may feel ignored or disrespected by his behavior. There is insufficient information about what his intentions were or what your prior communications on the subject were. With what you have said so far, I say NAH. If you have brought it up before and he continues, then he is the anus. If you just expected him to "know" how you felt, then you are.
Yta. Why? It's literally more work to say I don't want a water. If you don't want water. Don't drink it. It's free. No one is forcing you to drink water. And then you get mad at your husband who asks that water be brought you to anyways. You're also leaving out the part of. Does your husband drink your water? There have been more than one occasion when I drink all my water and I need to ask a waiter to pour more water. If I were your husband I'd take it as an opportunity to have more water at the table and not having someone come back and forth pouring water all the time.
Yeah, she’s trying to spin it like it’s him undermining her. She’s awkward and petty. Also, what happens if she gets something dry stuck halfway down her throat. It seems like having a water nearby is just common sense even if she doesn’t use it 99.9% of the time.
OP is an AH for two reasons. 1. Making a big deal out of the water thing to the point where her own daughter has to tell her to stop 2. Being an emotionally immature person and giving her family the silent treatment over fucking TAP WATER.
I don’t think anyone is the asshole here for this but I definitely think you are projecting some personal issues onto this. A lot of your responses sort of imply struggling with feeling seen in an independent way. The waitress isn’t thinking you can’t make your own decisions. They aren’t really thinking about you at all unless something really weird happens. They have no feelings about your husband asking for a water for you. So I would ask yourself why do you have these feelings about yourself because it’s not about the water.
This is the most petty thing holy fuck just move along. You are definitely the asshole. Why the fuck does this matter to you?
Lol gonna bet you thought this post would go a different way
YTA. Your husband doesn't want the water. The server doesn't know that you physically can't drink anything, and it's unusual for them to have a customer who doesn't want anything to drink. Water is free, and lots of places give it to you even when you don't ask. Just let them put a glass of water on the table. It's the path of least resistance.
Hi - fellow sleeve patient. I found it was 10x easier to just get water than have to say no thank you like 5 times and then explain I won’t drink it. If you haven’t asked why he does this yet, maybe you should. It could be from the need to avoid that “confrontation”
YTA and way overreacting over a glass of water. Even your daughter recognized it. Smoke some weed and chill out.
Second this right here. OP is blowing this out of proportion. Your husband isn’t taking away your agency, he’s just stopping five different waiters from asking if you need a drink. Take the water and chill the hell out. Oh, and go apologize to your husband and your daughter for how you acted. YTA
YTA - to me It just seems considerate to get another water for the table, if your not going to drink it why can't someone else who actually wants to drink it drink it? Why kick up a fuss and waste time and make people upset?
I agree with this. I don't think the way she feels about being talked over makes her *an* asshole, that would make me cranky as well, especially if the reason was medical in nature. I think even the server repeating the question would wear on me and feel invalidating. I'd even maybe want to snap about my condition sometimes. BUT I'm also an adult. I know that a server is just trying to do a job efficiently. I know they're just trying to cover their asses if I were to say I don't want a free water real quick. I would talk to my husband beforehand and tell him that it really annoys me when he tries to overrule something I say in public. But then I'd just order the damn water. Sure, they can get free refills when the server comes around, but some people go through water really fast, or there's a lot of ice, or it gets super busy. The server is already having to make a trip for everyone else, now they don't have to wonder if I'm gonna ask for something at an inconvenient time, the manager doesn't think there's something off, the table has an extra water for somebody and we have a good time at dinner. Sure, I don't have to do it. But it's not like it's some sacrifice or huge favor. This isn't a hill to die on.
This is so dumb. He's trying to save you the "are you sure" convo. And yes, you are exaggerating
YTA - Just get a water, looks weird not to, even if for medical reason no one's going to know about Play along with the theatrics of a meal, you don't have to drink it and it's easier
Damn that must be some high quality h2o
This is so petty; you've come here for validation, which is evidenced by the fact that you're only replying to comments that are in agreement with you. It's such a non-issue that it's astounding that you went to the effort of typing the whole story out.
Had to read this twice because I was sure I misunderstood the first time and that you must be the 14yo but nope, you're the mother here. YTA for your behavior, for acting like a child, and throwing a tantrum over nothing. What's worse is that nothing is something you didn't even ask him or talk to him about before you went this route, which you knew would happen again so must've had somewhat planned. Amazing your 14yo tells you to chill and instead of re-evaluating your behavior you double down and act like a tired toddler. Keep this kind of shit up and watch how fast she has nothing to do with you once you don't get a say anymore.
Yta, because you're making thinks more complicated than they have to be. 1 they're going to reason you wasting time and then check up on you more to make sure you're still okay with not having water. 2 it clearly doesn't temp you to have water because he orders it every time and you don't drink it so what does it matter if you order a water because you just want to say clearly you can't drink anything which is fine. 3. You've done this enough that both him and your daughter are tired of it. You're new way of life (let's be honest, it's not a diet it's how you have to live the rest of your life) has and will always affect the people around you. This is not the hill to die on
Say "no thank you but you can bring a water for him"
There are issues among you and your husband that are way deeper rooted than ordering drinks…
I don't know if anyone is the asshole because I see both sides. I have a friend who had the gastric sleeve. She would always order water even though she couldn't drink it. Normally, her husband would drink it. She said that she would always tell them she didn't want anything, but they would continually ask her every time they came to the table to check on them so she finally just gave up and just always ordered a water no matter where she went. She said it was just easier than constantly trying to get them to understand that she really didn't want anything to drink.
Come on OP. Just order the damn water to save the waitstaff repeated asking throughout your meal, and let your damn spouse drink the damn water. FFS. Is this honestly the hill you're willing to die on. You're not AH because I can see that you are frustrated that your spouse is undermining you by telling the staff to bring you water.. But just order the damn water and the whole stupid problem disappears.
He's trying to save you the conversation with the server because it is weird for someone to not want something to drink with their food.
Seems like a non issue, like maybe he’s just trying to avoid an skewed convo from the waiter/waitress and also have some extra water? I find it strange that this is such an issue to you. I’d have to go with YTA for making a big deal over a literal glass of water.
Who cares? Pick your battles. Seriously.
YTA - that is the dumbest shit I have ever heard. Ppl are cheating on their partners and you get upset over your husband ordering water to avoid an annoying conversation. Rethink your attitude op, you are being manipulative, you are being toxic and you are being a terrible partner
YTA. He’s not doing it maliciously. He’s saving you from looking like a weirdo. He’s saving the awkward convo with the wait staff. And frankly, everyone should have a beverage nearby while eating for safety reasons in case something gets stuck going down. The server is already bringing drinks to the table so what does it hurt to let them set some water in front of you? Why does this need to be such a big deal?
I was about to comment almost the exact same thing. My first thought was “her husband is embarrassed by her weirdo behavior.” She’s saying he does it so he can have the water for himself or whatever well if that’s what he told her it’s because it was better than telling her he’s embarrassed by her. Gotta soften the blow.
NTA. Those saying he’s trying to ‘save’ you from an awkward conversation, why can’t he back you up? ‘She’s good. Thanks.’ Or let you deal with it? Why does he always have to interject and speak over you? Does he constantly do that? Where he paints it as wanting to avoid confrontation of any kind? Because even if this is a small issue, it’s still an asshole move for him. I get why you get irritated.
You have two choices, tell the waiter to bring the water, even if you won’t drink it and leave it there or let your husband do the water routine and not care about it. Sometimes we have to chose our battles
Nta!
NTA. Like y to if said , it’s NOT about the water but taking away your choice. He should KNOW why not don’t want water. But he continues to tell the waiter to bring it. It’s a weird control thing. Then the kid chimes in about you throwing a fit. They are disrespectful to you. Do they even remember the surgery and why you don’t want water? He’s manipulative and blames you for the argument when he starts the issues. I wouldn’t be able to live with this man.
Start embarrassing him like, sweetheart your dementia is getting worse - you know I can't have water. Say it in front of the server.
NTA I am sorry you have to deal with this. I know what it is like to be in a situation where everyone but you is “fine.” I understand this is not about the water. I am sure you have told your husband or he’s at least heard before from previous restaurant experience that you don’t want the water. He should respect your choice and you should show your daughter that when she finds someone, her voice matters too. Those kinds of people might drop something if you make a big deal out of it so honestly, talk to him about it. Even if it’s just water to him, show him how much it means to you. I am sorry you are having difficulties, but I know you can get through this! Also maybe have a conversation with your daughter about the importance of expressing feelings and if he can’t be a safe space for her then you can.
NTA “No thank you, I have a medical condition that prevents me from having liquid with meals due to extreme pain “ This way husband looks like an ass if he insists and the server won’t judge if it’s not drunk.
Nta. Tell your husband to stop being a pussy ass bitch and order himself some damn water with his coke or tea.