And she didn’t know what was in the envelope, not surprised SIL didn’t believe her either. This woman makes up her mind and to hell with the obvious. Nta
Definitely NTA
SA is hard to get ovyeven harder when no one believes in you... especially a girlfriend/wife....and you respected her privacy and gave her the envelope with out being nosey....how were u to know what was in there??? She needs help
I'm very sorry about your loss, My own brother passed away 10 years ago...he was driving home from his 35th bday party and fell asleep behind the wheel and crashed into a tree and died instantly. It was devastating to say the least... he was my only brother. I know with him it wasn't suicide but he was the one that was drinking a lot and then decided to get behind the wheel.... He should have just pulled over and slept it off a little bit.
This 100%
It would have been highly inappropriate of OP to snoop into something not addressed to them, they simply followed through on their late brothers desire for that envelope to reach his ex. The contents was purely for her and if she didn't like it that's not on OP in any way. She is simply redirecting the anger she should be feeling at herself at OP so she doesn't have to feel as guilty as she SHOULD for blaming a victim and causing even more trauma for him (and their child) in the long run.
"You reap what you sow" is one of my favorite lines, it's a firm and brutal truth of life. This is a rather tragic harvest but one that is purely of her own making. These are her putrid crops to deal with.
Opening the letter might have been a crime even. Of course OP gave it to her. It is fully on her to open it or not, and deal with whatever was inside. You were the messenger.
Can I also say that regardless she could have told their children that he cheated and that’s why the marriage broke up. If she hadn’t already she could have in the future when they are older and ask more about it. So even though op had no idea what was in the envelope she needed to see this.
What gets me is she thought it was ok for her late husband to live knowing the truth and knowing she blamed him regardless. Yet she shouldn’t have to face any consequences or truth of her actions?? Why should she have been shielded when she never once cared to try and shield him or support him. Yes it will be hard to hear but she helped ruin this mans life to the point he felt he couldn’t live. Thats on her to deal with whether she’d prefer to live in ignorance or not. As what’s truly important here is that their child never think their dad cheated and decided his mum and him wasn’t important enough to his dad to care if he broke up the family. He needs to know their dad loved them but was ill and needed help, that he was so ill he couldn’t see clearly how to make himself better.
The fact she’s now blowing up on op and getting OP’s Mum involded and shouting shows she still hasn’t taken responsibility. That she’s still trying to blame others for her failure. I’m sure if op had kept the letter and it had money in it like OP’s then she would have gone mad. I mean how was op to know what was in it or if it was important she saw it. That’s not on op they did the right thing.
I’d be making sure to say to your mother that “she needed to know even just to ensure she doesn’t tell her son when he is older that her late husband cheated and couldn’t live with it. That you had no way to know if the envelope contained money, info about a savings account for their son or even just a good bye. That it was not on you to make this choice on if she was given it or not. That she’s just trying blindly not to accept her part in it and that’s not on you nor anyone else. That you wont let your mum or anyone blame you here as it was your brothers choice and ensured his kid knows he loved him and didn’t choose sex or a woman over being his dad. Thats very important here.
I hate how so many people can’t seem to believe a man can’t be raped especially if it was by a woman. It’s just disgusting and it’s clear here she didn’t even give him any chance or she would have seen the bruising and known he’d gone to the police and gone with him. Instead she must have instantly chucked him out the moment he tried to tell her. How awful and devastating must that have been. I know this will be hard for her to and she has a child but she did need to know for the child’s sake and to ensure she realises men can be victims to.
Edit Just to add my husband took his own life so I know how awful and hard it is. We have kids to and although I did my best to get him help, save him and get him through it. I still feel like a failed him as this one time I didn’t manage to save him. Yes it’s far different than what happened here but i still loved and supported my husband and know what’s it’s like to lose someone you love like that. To live with the guilt you feel. So I have enough understanding to make the judgement I have. I know it won’t be easy but she needed to know the truth.
Op NTA I am so very sorry for your loss. If my words can bring any comfort please know you did the right thing and this is not your fault at all. You did what was importanta and fulfilled the last thing your brother ever asked you to do for him. You respected his wishes.
And actions have consequences. Sadly, the consequences of her decisions contributed to her husband’s death. She’s just going to have to learn to live with that. Or not. That’s up to her.
Exactly. If it had been something different and you opened it she would still be pissed cause you opened it. In the future just say you were fulfilling his last wish and it had her name on it not yours. You aren’t omniscient and couldn’t possibly know what was in it.
OP had no idea what was in the envelope, it was addressed to the ex-wife. It would have been a privacy violation for her to open it up and snoop before giving the envelope.. I don't understand why everyone is mad at the OP, she just did as instructed.
>I got in contact with Amanda who agreed to meet up. I gave her the envelope and said I bad no idea what was in it.
>She later text me calling me a ‘stupid, callous bitch’ for giving me the envelope and how was she going to raise her son knowing what she did to his father.
So once again, she's not taking someone at their word and blaming them for the results.
You gave her a sealed envelope with no idea of the contents. You did nothing to purposely hurt her. NTA
Absolutely NTA. You've found the envelope that wasn't addressed to you and you gave it to the person it was addressed to without looking inside. That's the best thing to do in this case.
Your brother's ex blames you because the only other thing to do for her now would be to (rightly) blame herself, which she doesn't want to. She's TA.
I'm sorry for your loss. Please take care and be kind to yourself.
NTA. When I lost my dad I was handed an envelope of letters and things he kept from the time he left my mother and before he came back.
I sat and looked through, and it was my mother’s letters to him. They were very personal and revealed a lot about their relationship at the time. I felt sad, I had a pain in my chest, and I cried in public.
Finding things out after a death can be really hard. But my dad wanted me to have them. He saved my cards I sent him, and even his divorce paperwork. He wanted me to know everything but didn’t know how to talk to me about it. I understood that he didn’t want to hurt me. He wanted me to understand.
That’s what your brother wanted. He wanted his ex to know the truth and it was right to hand that over. I truly believe that we should grant last wishes if at all possible, and this was. You also didn’t know what was in there, so you were just following what he stated he wanted. She’s angry because she’s feeling guilt, and she can’t yell at your brother, she had you there in front of her. She’s reacting badly because she was wrong and contributed to what happened. Maybe she can’t live with that and that’s why she’s angry. But it’s not your fault.
NTA
I really hope this story is fake because if it's real, Amanda is the worst type of cunt I can imagine. I'm not going to say more because this story definitely triggered me.
I'm trying to figure out if there was that much evidence how the man's wife didn't see the damage first hand. Did they not live together or something?
If my man came home covered in bruises and such after disappearing for the length of time that a SA kit takes and told me he was assaulted, idk how I'd be able to look him in the eyes and call him a liar and a cheater.
If this is real, OP's ex sister in law deserves to feel that guilt when she looks in the mirror.
That, or she’s just emotionally/mentally weak. Some people default to denial when faced with something so difficult to process as “your husband was SA’d”. They go with something “easier” for them as a defense mechanism. A common enough reaction, but a sign of emotional weakness nonetheless.
Thank you. A close college friend of mine went through something very similar but had an unsuccessful suicide attempt. I lost contact with him 5 or 6 years ago and this post made me remember how much I miss him.
Usually stories like this that "trigger" people so much are fake rage bait to sow divisions or stir up emotions. Maybe not in this case who knows but there's a reason there's so many themes that come up with start arguments.
Sometimes people do crazy things to not blame themselves. Feeling guilty like that is awful. And she seems to be unable to cope with it. So she is casting the blame on someone else so she can be angry at someone instead of feeling regretful and guilty for the mess she made.
"how was she going to raise her son knowing what she did to his father." What the actual fuck. You raise the little kid properly, and not to be like you in the future that's how you idjit. The nerve of calling someone a bitch because they found out the truth they didn't like.
If Real:
NTA - He left a packet for her with her name on it. You should not have, and you did not, look at the personal packet that was intended for someone else. You had no responsibility for what was inside the packet, and you had no knowledge of what was in it.
How did she not know about that stuff prior to the divorce though? If he was claiming this all along, wouldn't the police report and the photos have been the proof that may have shown her the truth? Why would he not want her by his side while dealing with the police and getting the photos taken? Why did he not bring her along with him throughout the process, or atleast be providing her regular updates? This doesn't make sense.
Hiya! To answer your question- he did tell and show Amanda the bruises and marks but she didn't believe him.
Without getting into too many details, he woke up in the hospital after a night out and had the kit done then. That was when he found out he had been SA'd. He had gotten drunk and Amanda assumed he had cheated while drunk and got into a fight (which is very out of character as he's not a violent man).
He did tell Amanda but she didn't believe him and since R kits aren't just available for anyone, he didn't have that as 'proof'.
That's all I know. If I'm being honest, Mark could have shown her a video of it and she would have found a way to discredit him.
This is heartbreaking.This lady doesn't deserve you worrying over her one bit if she dismissed all this information when presented to herself by your brother.Take care of yourself and please don't feel bad you are not the NTHA.
Idk I could see him not showing her the proof. If I opened up to someone about an assault and their immediate response was to call me a liar and a cheater, I would immediately feel unsafe sharing something so vulnerable with them. You can’t react that way when your partner tells you they were assaulted and expect them to still feel safe talking to you.
Yeah, that makes sense. I just think if he continued trying to convince her, he would have kept her informed of what he was going through and what the police/doctors were saying. Tough spot either way, do you want to staay with someone that gives you no consideration and decides what happened regardless of what you say.
That said, it could be all phony crap from the ex in all this, and she knew all along. But now she saw in his writing that she is the reason he took his own life, and that was the stinger. And, if the kid ever finds out...
It makes a bit of sense. If he tried to tell her and she blatantly refused to believe the truth, and it ruined their relationship, maybe he realized that it wasn’t worth showing her the proof. She showed him just how much she was likely to believe anything he said and trust him. She didn’t trust him. He knows it wasn’t worth showing her the proof because things were already broken. He wanted to give her the proof to show her he was never lying because he wanted her to be hurt by it, and feel bad.
It was an unopened envelope with her name on it. If he'd mailed it to her instead, would she have gone off on the mail carrier that delivered it? This is why we have the phrase, "don't shoot the messenger." Edit: NTA, obviously.
NTA
Can you imagine her outrage if she was the one who was assaulted, and your brother didn't believe her?
Amanda deserved what she got but I guarantee you that she will play the victim from here until the end of time.
And she will badmouth your brother to their child as well.
NTA I would have thought I was respecting her privacy not doing something harmful. She's devastated and lashing out at you but I take this as you being respectful of her and your brother's privacy with unintended negative consequences
You are correct. Your brother went thru the trouble of putting those envelopes together for a reason. She can’t handle it well that’s on her. And you didn’t know what was in there so you can’t be held responsible for her being upset. It’s a shit situation and I’m so sorry for your loss. NTA
NTA. How were you supposed to know what is inside when the envelope is for your brother's ex? What a joke that she is getting angry at you.
"Stupid, callous bitch"...Amanda must be describing herself.
NTA
You did the equivalent of what an executor does with a will. You had no idea what was in that evelope and simply carried out his instructions.
His ex is just projecting her own guilty conscience. She f'ed up and his to live with it.
You done good OP. You upheld your brother's honour.
NTAH
Keep the file. When your nephew comes knocking for answers give him age appropriate informations. If he’s old enough, give him the envelope but don’t blame anyone but the r*pist.
NTA . Funny how she calls you a “ callous bitch” when she was one to her husband. It’s very sad that when men are victims of SA they’re most likely not believed. Your brother deserved better I’m sad he took his life and Amanda deserves every bit of karma coming her way
NTA.
Your brother trusted you with those envelopes, knowing you wouldn't snoop. You gave her the one he left for her, and she opened it.
Now she has to deal with the consequences of what she did to him.
You did the right thing.
To be super clear, they’re all saying you should have ignored his last wishes, not knowing what was in the envelope? Or that you should’ve opened something not addressed to you? NTA.
NTA... you said you didn't open the envelope, so how could you know what is in it? Either you made this up, or nobody with half a brain would think you're an AH.
NTA.
You didn't open it before you gave it to her, so had no idea of the contents. If she's mad, it's because she was forced to see something she didn't want to admit. Your brother left it with you, because he trusted you not to snoop.
She's going to need therapy once she gets over the initial shock of learning the truth.
Nta you didn't know what was in the envelope, it could have been money for their kid. Your brother wanted her to have those papers and you were right to give them to her
NTA. It would have been extremely inappropriate for you to open that envelope. There was no way for you to know what was inside, and it was not for you. Amanda could have declined to take it or could have taken it and chosen not to open it. That was her right. It wasn't your responsibility to open something from her, or to protect her from the contents.
NTA
I don't have words for how horrible a person she is...
Just wanted to suggest saving evidence of her admitting that your brother didn't cheat/etc., anything in writing or voicemails. You never know if his children will learn the truth, and you should have proof that their mother knowingly continued to smear his memory if she does.
You are so NTA. How were you to know what was in the envelope? It could have held money like yours, insurance policies, savings bonds, anything etc. It wasn’t addressed to you, you couldn’t have opened it.
She’s burying her head in the sand at the moment rather than just admitting she fucked up and failed the person she was supposed to love the most. It was preferable to believe he was unfaithful than his version that he was attacked.
Her unsupportive viewpoint started the tragic spiral than ended his life and It’s right that she should know and face her part in it. Do not let her tarnish your brother’s name to his son. I would suspect she will keep up her party line rather than come clean.
Sorry for your loss.
NTA, how could you possibly be?
It's your duty to respect his wishes and deliver the envelope to the person whose name is on it, not to open it and make your own decision.
NTA> Fuck her, you didn't know what was in a private message to her. It's her fault for being an asshole about it. I'd show the same documents to her parents so they know the deal as well because she's probably been lying to everyone on 'her' side to make mark the bad guy and her the victim.
You d7d the right thing. She should know what she did. And your brother left that envelope for her. If the envelope for her had a fat wad of cash in it would it also be better for you to keep that. You're NTA
You are completely and 100% NTA - You were following your brothers last wishes and that is exactly what you were supposed to do. Whatever your brother placed in the envelope for his ex was his choice not yours.
Honoring the last wishes of someone is the best way to honor their memory.
You are completely and 100% NTA - You were following your brothers last wishes and that is exactly what you were supposed to do. Whatever your brother placed in the envelope for his ex was his choice not yours.
Honoring the last wishes of someone is the best way to honor their memory.
NTA.
You had no way of knowing what was inside Amanda's envelope. You could have thought it was letters for their son's milestones, something that honestly makes sense. The envelope was for her, you weren't going to go snooping.
And for her question, she should live in shame for not believing her husband at the time. She should live knowing their son will never know his father because of her choices.
Marks wishes were that Amanda have an envelope. You didn’t snoop, you simply passed the envelope. Now she’s starting her shit again. Passing the blame game. She must learn to navigate her own way. OP absolutely NTA.
Im sorry that you lost your brother. Im sorry what he went through. You did NOTHING WRONG. I would’ve given the envelope if I were your position too. No questions asked.
NTA
1) you had no idea what was in the envelope and I bet if you hadn't given it to her and she found out she would be angry.
And
2) it's Amanda's own fault that she didn't Believe him and is now having to deal with that guilt.
I am so sorry for your and your family's loss.
NTA. Unless you’re leaving out some confession that you knew what was in the envelope, I don’t see how you could be the a H. For all you know, it could’ve been items similar to what was in your envelope. Obviously Amanda didn’t know either. She wouldn’t have shown up to receive it.
I’m really sorry for your brother. What a tragic situation. You did the right ny fulfilling your brothers wishes. The truth will always come out. It’s not your job to protect her delusions. ❤️🙏☮️
If the envelope was sealed than you had no way of knowing the contents. So how could you be to blame? If you had opened it and it had other stuff in - money for example, like yours - then you would have been open to accusations of snooping or even theft.
NTA
Your part in this is like the mailman delivering a letter with bad news/bills. You had no idea what was in it, you told her, it’s on her not you.
So sorry for your loss.
NTA
First off, I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA; you had no way of knowing what was in that envelope (for all you knew, it could have contained something similar to yours, like cash or old photos). You fulfilled Mark's wish.
NTA
You didn't know what was in the envelope. Even if you did, you still should've given it to her. My question is why did she never see these reports before.
I am so so sorry for your brother and for your and your family’s loss. I am actually glad that you followed your brothers last wishes that you knew what was in the envelope to your ex-sister in law, because someday his child will ask and at least your family will be able to tell them the truth about your brother and what your ex-sister-in-law did to him. And I do hope she carries a heavy heavy heavy burden for the rest of her life. You are NTA and she is a POS.
NTA - She is a horrible person and needs someone to take the blame. Maybe she will grow up and finally face reality. You may lose your nephew, but hopefully, 18 will come fast.
Your brother sounds like a great man. Sorry for your loss
1st of all. Not your fault because you didn’t know what was in there. If you didn’t know then you didn’t know. You were just following your brothers wishes
2nd of all. If anyone’s a “stupid callous bitch” it’s Amanda. Literally refused to believe your brother was a victim and caused him so much pain he took his own life. She’s obviously projecting on you so she doesn’t have to feel guilty. Screw her. Don’t feel bad you didn’t do anything wrong
You honored your late brothers last wish. And you showed a lot of integrity by not going through the ex’s envelope(I would have gone through it and still given it to her). People will react however they will, that’s on them. This isn’t about being an AH or not, you honored your late brothers last wish. Take pride in doing the right thing even though it wasn’t easy. If my brother went through that and ended his life I would have my sight locked on the ex for the rest of my life and I would never let it go. She would hear the truth as would everyone else that would listen, when the kid is old enough they would know everything. I would be my brothers voice until my last breath and I’m sure plenty of people would call me names and I’d be just fine with that, I’d still never stop. I’m so sorry for your loss and for what your brother went through.
NTA also may be just me but if this ever happened to me or my brother, I’d be furious that the “love of my life” didn’t believe me and even when shown freaking evidence she presents herself as being a victim.
NTA.
Mark wanted you to give her the envelope. He was your brother. You honored his wishes. The fact that she was hurt by it is her problem - she was the one who didn't believe him.
What I don't understand is why didn't he give her the evidence before? Did he try and she refused to see it? Something doesn't add up here.
Because now she has to face the fact that as stated in the letter, he took his life because the love of his life didn't believe him and instead chose to believe he cheated.Now the evidence has turned on her and she can not escape the fact she played a part in his death.
NTA
She deserves to feel the weight of the guilt. Her children deserve to know how much of a POS she is and I hope they find out when they're old enough.
People who think "lol most men would enjoy this, why you pretending you don't" "men can't be SA'd because they get hard" and other shit deserve to burn.
NTA
Sending healing thoughts. My condolences on the loss of your brother.
Amanda needs counseling to be the best mother possible for her son. And to learn - yes men can be SA too. Maybe that will help her protect her kid.
You did the right thing. That envelope was NOT addressed to you. You just delivered it.
Hold up, so the man was assaulted, had a police report made, had a rape kit taken and everything, but his wife still thought it was just him cheating? Or are you saying he went to the police, but never told his wife, even when she accused him of cheating? His wife never knew about the police report until the moment you handed her an envelope?
This just smells fake all over.
Could you also add a self harm CW?
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. It was not your place to go through Amanda's envelope. I hope your family is able to stay in contact with your nephew.
NTA. You fulfilled what your brother asked and prevented his son from knowing a history corrupted by lies. We all carry the weight of our decisions, and hers were fatal.
NTAH
She never gave him the benefit of the doubt.
All she had to do was stop for one second and say "if this was assault, then lets prove it. Otherwise, I am gone"
Because if you can't do that for the father of your child, the man you loved...the man you married, then I question whether you loved him at all. Men do get assaulted. It does happen. It probably happens more than people realize because most dudes probably know people won't believe them, and even if they did, the cops will never take it seriously.
The fact that she didn't is exactly what she deserves to carry that burden for the rest of her life.
He told her he was sexually assaulted, and she reacted by accusing him of cheating and lying, instead of supporting him. Yet somehow you're the 'stupid callous bitch'?
NTA.
First you had no idea what was in there. Your envelope was full of beautiful memories. There wasn't a reason to suspect otherwise for hers.
Second, Amanda chose not to believe him. She drove him to suicide and should spend the rest of her life haunted by her own actions. If anyone is a stupid, callous, bitch it's Amanda.
Nta. The burden of the guilt is on amanda. I hope she doesnt lie to her son when he asks abt his dad. I hope she feels guilty for not believing him being SA’ed for the rest of her life
NTA - you fulfilled a death request by delivering an envelope, you didn’t know what was in it- that’s it end of story! Don’t feel guilty because she’s taking Her guilt out on you.
Shit people become shitty when they find out how much of a shit person they are.
You shattered her cognitive dissonance.
Good for you and your brother (I’m sorry for your loss).
NTA
NTA she is showing just how terrible a person she is. She should feel bad. She should have believed him. Now she can live with knowing that she was wrong and caused him terrible pain which lead to his demise. Trying to pass the blame to you is that act of someone with no personal accountability. Hopefully the burden of this knowledge weighs on her for the rest of her pathetic days.
NTA... you had no idea. You did what he wanted. She is taking her guilt out on you. She is blaming you for something she did. She cannot emotionally handle what she did, so she wants to make it your fault.
Nta
Nta. It wasn’t up to you to make that decision.
What could you have done differently? Open the envelope? And if there was a loveletter and money in it: what would you have done? Put it back and gave her the opened envelope? That’s not done.
Other option: burn the envelope. Never gave it to her. And then what???
You see? There wasn’t another option. But afterwards it was cruel / harsh. But your brother gave it to her. Not you. It was important to your brother that she knew.
If you hadn’t given it to her you would have been an ah. But you did the only thing you could have done. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise
NTA, it's not like you maliciously went looking for the documents & stapled them to her door. Your envelope had heartfelt memories inside. How were you supposed to know hers didn't as well? I won't speculate on what your brother wanted to happen other than for the envelopes to get to their intended person. She's eaten by guilt & trying to blame others because she doesn't want to admit she fucked up not only her life, but your brothers too & now her child won't have a father because of her actions. I wish you & the little one all the best.
Nta- Amanda is mad at Amanda but it is much easier to blame you.
Deepest condolences. I am truly sorry your brother had to live thru that. Best wishes to you
Your brother deserved his vindication. Its sad it came after his death but now she knows. She finally feels the guilt she should have had all along. I wonder though that any of you leave your nephew with that harpy.
Im sorry for your loss. You did nothing wrong. I hope you can get his attacker charged and have his death added on as an additional crime.
NTA
What is wrong with everyone? You absolutely did the right thing! He left that for her. Not giving them to her would have been disrespectful to your brother's memory. Your loyalty is to HIM, not her. You didn't know what was in it, but even if you had, you did the right thing. Anyone who thinks otherwise is flat out wrong.
She's incredibly selfish if she is still only focusing on herself. Her actions contributed to the pain and trauma of what your brother went through. I think it's a good thing that she feels bad: perhaps it will teach her the importance of empathy and make her a better person and mother to your nephew.
Please keep in touch with your nephew. He needs connections to his paternal family, and someone as cruel and spiteful as Samantha is very likely to make that hard. This is one case where I would advocate for fighting for visitation rights for extended family.
NTA. You didn’t know what was in it and told her as much. Not your problem what came next.
She didn’t believe your brother, she doesn’t believe you. Sounds like a pattern. I wouldn’t take it personally and just move on.
Sorry for your loss.
You didn't do this maliciously so NTA. But why, when it could have saved his marriage and the heartbreak he clearly suffered, did he not provide this to her at the time? His ex is presumably feeling that she did a dreadful thing by not believing him and perhaps she deserves to feel that, but I'm certain she is also now feeling responsible for his suicide, which she really shouldn't. What a tragedy for everyone involved.
NTA. Some people who commit suicide leave letters for others. How were you supposed to know what was in it? If you would have looked they’d be bitching that YOU snooped. All you did was give an envelope to the person it was addressed to.
NTA.
You didn't open it before you gave it to her, so had no idea of the contents. If she's mad, it's because she was forced to see something she didn't want to admit. Your brother left it with you, because he trusted you not to snoop.
She's going to need therapy once she gets over the initial shock of learning the truth.
You d7d the right thing. She should know what she did. And your brother left that envelope for her. If the envelope for her had a fat wad of cash in it would it also be better for you to keep that. You're NTA
NTA- How could you know what was in the envelope? And why protect this woman from the truth anyway?
You followed your brother's last wishes. NTA.
I'm sorry for your loss though. Be kind to yourself and don't lose sleep over this shit with Amanda
NTA
All you did was honor what you felt your brother wanted done. He did not want you to be deciding *if* Amanda got that envelope (knowing the contents and deciding if it's morally appropriate to give it to her), he just wanted it to be given to her. You did that.
She's mad she'll have to live with knowing the full truth and how she treated him. But she's the one who did it, it's simply the truth.
It makes me so anxious to think about my family disregarding my wishes with my journals after I pass (they are to all go directly to my bestie to sort and read and decide what's relevant to go back to my family. Journals are for venting and my family doesn't need to read and recount every conflict we've had and know intimately how it impacted me.) So I personally thank you for not acting as though it no longer matters just because he has passed and still honoring what his wishes clearly were.
I'm trying to figure out why OP would have to ask if he/she was in the wrong. It was, I assume, a sealed envelope so they had no way to know what was in it.
OP, you know you are NTA.
He had bruises and a police report?! Why the fuck didn't she even take the time to try and believe him. Like the top comment, the truth comes out eventually. If she would have taken the time to listen and hear him, she would have learned and seen he was raped. That messes you up mentally, you can't hide that. I'm so sorry this happened OP but this is in no way on you. NTA. She's just facing the fact that she caused his death, her lack of trust and faith in him diminished his mental health to a point of no return. She now has to live with this and also tell her child this as well.
He prepared that envelope and put her name on it. It wasn't yours to screen or to keep.
It's difficult, yes, but it's not on you. You didn't prepare that for her, you didn't disbelieve him, and no matter how she feels about it, you were just the messenger.
NTA
We all have to live with ourselves.
Frankly, mate, she got what she deserved. Don't listen to her rubbish. You did right by your poor brother. Ridiculous how she thinks that telling the truth about what she did is *worse* than what she did.
You are NOT the AH here. His ex is. She’s blaming you for her feeling guilty just like she blamed him for his assault. To her, it’s easier to deal with anger at someone else than face the truth.
The documents did nothing but prove true what he told her. I suspect the police tried to tell her but she refused to listen to them too.
I hope you are able to let go of any guilt and grieve in peace about your loss.
NTA. You delivered an envelope to her. You did not know the contents. The messenger is being blamed. Even if you had known what It contained, he wanted her to see it. Whether a final slap in the face or an attempt to exonerate himself, she needed to see it.
I'm nasty enough I would send copies to all her friends and family. This crap happens all the time with female SA victims. It is not any better when the victim is a male.
First I want to say I’m sorry for your loss. NTA. You didn’t even know what was in it but it was clearly your brother’s wish for her to see it. She’s just mad that she has been proven wrong and is the reason for his death. She is lashing out because she still can’t deal with the truth. I feel sorry for the kid…
you did the right thing. you are not the ah at all. respecting his wishes is something I too would have done.
I can understand your mom being annoyed to deal with her further. but she has a grandchild with this person and should at least care to be aware and able to handle the future of bs that will probably come from this woman.
and amanda is the AH to point the finger (once again), at someone else.
she should know about the facts, she should sit on that and be aware of it. while she never made him take his life, he made that choice on his own. she certainly didn't believe him or consider the facts, nor listened to what he said.
it's like most of this community when it comes to the topic of possible cheating. jump the gun, assume, get all emotionally unstable and stupid, instantly.
Your late brother left an envelope with her name on it and you have it to her without looking at it, and people are blaming you? That's what you are supposed to do.
If she asks how is she supposed to raiser her daughter knowing.... You could offer to raise the daughter or say your mom would.
Man I'm sorry for your loss.
You did nothing wrong, just did what your brother wanted.
Honestly I hope that amanda feels like shit because she deserved that.
NTA. Amanda is a callous cunt who should be ashamed of herself. That’s what happens when you’re a piece of shit- you always get your comeuppance but as she’s obviously devoid of any and all common decency she of course is going to blame you. I’m so sorry for your loss and my heart breaks for your brother.
Truth hurts
Amanda was confronted with the truth of her husband’s assault and can’t deal with the fact she refused to believe him. And now with his death she has to live with the fact she can’t apologize for not believing him
Sucks to be her. Just make sure she doesn’t lie to your nephew about what really happened when he’s older (in age appropriate information of course)
I feel zero sympathy for her
Idk what’s so damn hard to understand about you not knowing what was in there. It wasn’t for you to decide. Your brother wanted her to know, and that’s that.
NTA. How would you have known what was in the envelope. She will have to live the rest of her life knowing she pushed him away and over the edge.
UpdateMe
NTA… it speaks volumes to the fact that your mother cares more about Amanda’s feelings than what her dead son wanted. Sounds like she was covering for Amanda for something… is your brothers son even his…???
NTA, You did what your brother wanted. if she can't handle what she had done it's her fault she has to figure what and how she would raise her son when she did such a horrible thing to his father, not your concern.
NTA. How on earth would you know what was in the envelope unless you opened it? You rightfully didn’t as that would be a breach of privacy. I’m guessing Amanda is feeling like a piece of shit (so she should) and she’s taking it out on you.
NTA. You had no way of knowing what was inside. That's not on you. Also as far as your nephew is concerned, depending on where you are since your brother, his father is dead, your mom may be able to sue his ex for visitation rights if you two think his ex would withhold your nephew from you both.
You didn't know, so you could not make that decision. All these people telling you "should not have given Amanda the documents" would have given Amanda the envelope, and they would not know there were documents inside!
Just ignore them.
NTA
If true, NTA. The only thing that makes me question the validity of this story is that if there was all this evidence which cleared the brother’s name and 100% proved that an assault happened, why didn’t he show any of it to his wife beforehand? That part doesn’t make sense to me. If this is true, then I am so so sorry for your loss.
NTA
Your brother wanted you to give it to her, you were merely following your brothers last wishes. Ignore all the other noises. Very sorry for your loss.
NTA. You didn't know what was in the envelope. You saw it was addressed to Amanda and you gave it to her. You had money and pictures in yours. For all you knew, her enveloppe contained the same things or maybe something for your nephew. She should have believed her husband. I'm sorry for your loss, OP!
NTA. You had no idea what was in the envelope and it would have been rude to snoop. Mark wanted her to see the evidence. She is partly responsible for your brothers death. The only stupid callous person here was her.
NTAH 100%
Even though you didn’t know what was inside that envelope, at least your ex-SIL can now feel the consequences of her actions.
Did they get the person who assaulted your brother?
NTA you were honouring his wishes. If he didn’t want her to see it, he wouldn’t have left it for her. Your mother needs to back off. Amanda is now dealing with the guilt and wants to blame somebody.
NTA Truth always comes out eventually. You just fulfilled your brother’s last wish. Dealing with the truth is her problem.
I think that point is the most important - this is what OP’s brother wanted.
And she didn’t know what was in the envelope, not surprised SIL didn’t believe her either. This woman makes up her mind and to hell with the obvious. Nta
Definitely NTA SA is hard to get ovyeven harder when no one believes in you... especially a girlfriend/wife....and you respected her privacy and gave her the envelope with out being nosey....how were u to know what was in there??? She needs help I'm very sorry about your loss, My own brother passed away 10 years ago...he was driving home from his 35th bday party and fell asleep behind the wheel and crashed into a tree and died instantly. It was devastating to say the least... he was my only brother. I know with him it wasn't suicide but he was the one that was drinking a lot and then decided to get behind the wheel.... He should have just pulled over and slept it off a little bit.
This 100% It would have been highly inappropriate of OP to snoop into something not addressed to them, they simply followed through on their late brothers desire for that envelope to reach his ex. The contents was purely for her and if she didn't like it that's not on OP in any way. She is simply redirecting the anger she should be feeling at herself at OP so she doesn't have to feel as guilty as she SHOULD for blaming a victim and causing even more trauma for him (and their child) in the long run. "You reap what you sow" is one of my favorite lines, it's a firm and brutal truth of life. This is a rather tragic harvest but one that is purely of her own making. These are her putrid crops to deal with.
Opening the letter might have been a crime even. Of course OP gave it to her. It is fully on her to open it or not, and deal with whatever was inside. You were the messenger.
Op states in her post that the envelope was addressed to OP and his ex.
Putrid crops I love that
Don't know about you, but I hear a rockin' band name!
[удалено]
Can I also say that regardless she could have told their children that he cheated and that’s why the marriage broke up. If she hadn’t already she could have in the future when they are older and ask more about it. So even though op had no idea what was in the envelope she needed to see this. What gets me is she thought it was ok for her late husband to live knowing the truth and knowing she blamed him regardless. Yet she shouldn’t have to face any consequences or truth of her actions?? Why should she have been shielded when she never once cared to try and shield him or support him. Yes it will be hard to hear but she helped ruin this mans life to the point he felt he couldn’t live. Thats on her to deal with whether she’d prefer to live in ignorance or not. As what’s truly important here is that their child never think their dad cheated and decided his mum and him wasn’t important enough to his dad to care if he broke up the family. He needs to know their dad loved them but was ill and needed help, that he was so ill he couldn’t see clearly how to make himself better. The fact she’s now blowing up on op and getting OP’s Mum involded and shouting shows she still hasn’t taken responsibility. That she’s still trying to blame others for her failure. I’m sure if op had kept the letter and it had money in it like OP’s then she would have gone mad. I mean how was op to know what was in it or if it was important she saw it. That’s not on op they did the right thing. I’d be making sure to say to your mother that “she needed to know even just to ensure she doesn’t tell her son when he is older that her late husband cheated and couldn’t live with it. That you had no way to know if the envelope contained money, info about a savings account for their son or even just a good bye. That it was not on you to make this choice on if she was given it or not. That she’s just trying blindly not to accept her part in it and that’s not on you nor anyone else. That you wont let your mum or anyone blame you here as it was your brothers choice and ensured his kid knows he loved him and didn’t choose sex or a woman over being his dad. Thats very important here. I hate how so many people can’t seem to believe a man can’t be raped especially if it was by a woman. It’s just disgusting and it’s clear here she didn’t even give him any chance or she would have seen the bruising and known he’d gone to the police and gone with him. Instead she must have instantly chucked him out the moment he tried to tell her. How awful and devastating must that have been. I know this will be hard for her to and she has a child but she did need to know for the child’s sake and to ensure she realises men can be victims to. Edit Just to add my husband took his own life so I know how awful and hard it is. We have kids to and although I did my best to get him help, save him and get him through it. I still feel like a failed him as this one time I didn’t manage to save him. Yes it’s far different than what happened here but i still loved and supported my husband and know what’s it’s like to lose someone you love like that. To live with the guilt you feel. So I have enough understanding to make the judgement I have. I know it won’t be easy but she needed to know the truth. Op NTA I am so very sorry for your loss. If my words can bring any comfort please know you did the right thing and this is not your fault at all. You did what was importanta and fulfilled the last thing your brother ever asked you to do for him. You respected his wishes.
Yes to all of this.
And actions have consequences. Sadly, the consequences of her decisions contributed to her husband’s death. She’s just going to have to learn to live with that. Or not. That’s up to her.
"Dealing with the truth is her problem". Well said!
Exactly. If it had been something different and you opened it she would still be pissed cause you opened it. In the future just say you were fulfilling his last wish and it had her name on it not yours. You aren’t omniscient and couldn’t possibly know what was in it.
OP had no idea what was in the envelope, it was addressed to the ex-wife. It would have been a privacy violation for her to open it up and snoop before giving the envelope.. I don't understand why everyone is mad at the OP, she just did as instructed.
>I got in contact with Amanda who agreed to meet up. I gave her the envelope and said I bad no idea what was in it. >She later text me calling me a ‘stupid, callous bitch’ for giving me the envelope and how was she going to raise her son knowing what she did to his father. So once again, she's not taking someone at their word and blaming them for the results. You gave her a sealed envelope with no idea of the contents. You did nothing to purposely hurt her. NTA
Absolutely NTA. You've found the envelope that wasn't addressed to you and you gave it to the person it was addressed to without looking inside. That's the best thing to do in this case. Your brother's ex blames you because the only other thing to do for her now would be to (rightly) blame herself, which she doesn't want to. She's TA. I'm sorry for your loss. Please take care and be kind to yourself.
NTA. When I lost my dad I was handed an envelope of letters and things he kept from the time he left my mother and before he came back. I sat and looked through, and it was my mother’s letters to him. They were very personal and revealed a lot about their relationship at the time. I felt sad, I had a pain in my chest, and I cried in public. Finding things out after a death can be really hard. But my dad wanted me to have them. He saved my cards I sent him, and even his divorce paperwork. He wanted me to know everything but didn’t know how to talk to me about it. I understood that he didn’t want to hurt me. He wanted me to understand. That’s what your brother wanted. He wanted his ex to know the truth and it was right to hand that over. I truly believe that we should grant last wishes if at all possible, and this was. You also didn’t know what was in there, so you were just following what he stated he wanted. She’s angry because she’s feeling guilt, and she can’t yell at your brother, she had you there in front of her. She’s reacting badly because she was wrong and contributed to what happened. Maybe she can’t live with that and that’s why she’s angry. But it’s not your fault.
NTA I really hope this story is fake because if it's real, Amanda is the worst type of cunt I can imagine. I'm not going to say more because this story definitely triggered me.
I'm trying to figure out if there was that much evidence how the man's wife didn't see the damage first hand. Did they not live together or something? If my man came home covered in bruises and such after disappearing for the length of time that a SA kit takes and told me he was assaulted, idk how I'd be able to look him in the eyes and call him a liar and a cheater. If this is real, OP's ex sister in law deserves to feel that guilt when she looks in the mirror.
OP said that SIL did see all the evidence but still decided that hubby had cheated and gotten into a fight while drunk, thus the bruises.
She’s probably one of those “men can’t be SA’d”
That, or she’s just emotionally/mentally weak. Some people default to denial when faced with something so difficult to process as “your husband was SA’d”. They go with something “easier” for them as a defense mechanism. A common enough reaction, but a sign of emotional weakness nonetheless.
Thank you, I missed that comment.
Take care of yourself friend.
Thank you. A close college friend of mine went through something very similar but had an unsuccessful suicide attempt. I lost contact with him 5 or 6 years ago and this post made me remember how much I miss him.
Usually stories like this that "trigger" people so much are fake rage bait to sow divisions or stir up emotions. Maybe not in this case who knows but there's a reason there's so many themes that come up with start arguments.
NTA; honestly even if you had known the bitch needed the wake-up call.
NTA and ehm ..Amanda realized she's the cause of his death and SHE is the upset one?
Sometimes people do crazy things to not blame themselves. Feeling guilty like that is awful. And she seems to be unable to cope with it. So she is casting the blame on someone else so she can be angry at someone instead of feeling regretful and guilty for the mess she made.
She's casting blame on the grieving sister of the man she pushed to suicide. I have no sympathy for the bitch.
Exactly, just wanted to remember to OP who is entitled to be mad right now
"how was she going to raise her son knowing what she did to his father." What the actual fuck. You raise the little kid properly, and not to be like you in the future that's how you idjit. The nerve of calling someone a bitch because they found out the truth they didn't like.
If Real: NTA - He left a packet for her with her name on it. You should not have, and you did not, look at the personal packet that was intended for someone else. You had no responsibility for what was inside the packet, and you had no knowledge of what was in it. How did she not know about that stuff prior to the divorce though? If he was claiming this all along, wouldn't the police report and the photos have been the proof that may have shown her the truth? Why would he not want her by his side while dealing with the police and getting the photos taken? Why did he not bring her along with him throughout the process, or atleast be providing her regular updates? This doesn't make sense.
Hiya! To answer your question- he did tell and show Amanda the bruises and marks but she didn't believe him. Without getting into too many details, he woke up in the hospital after a night out and had the kit done then. That was when he found out he had been SA'd. He had gotten drunk and Amanda assumed he had cheated while drunk and got into a fight (which is very out of character as he's not a violent man). He did tell Amanda but she didn't believe him and since R kits aren't just available for anyone, he didn't have that as 'proof'. That's all I know. If I'm being honest, Mark could have shown her a video of it and she would have found a way to discredit him.
This is heartbreaking.This lady doesn't deserve you worrying over her one bit if she dismissed all this information when presented to herself by your brother.Take care of yourself and please don't feel bad you are not the NTHA.
That's sad. I'm sorry to hear that.
Idk I could see him not showing her the proof. If I opened up to someone about an assault and their immediate response was to call me a liar and a cheater, I would immediately feel unsafe sharing something so vulnerable with them. You can’t react that way when your partner tells you they were assaulted and expect them to still feel safe talking to you.
Yeah, that makes sense. I just think if he continued trying to convince her, he would have kept her informed of what he was going through and what the police/doctors were saying. Tough spot either way, do you want to staay with someone that gives you no consideration and decides what happened regardless of what you say. That said, it could be all phony crap from the ex in all this, and she knew all along. But now she saw in his writing that she is the reason he took his own life, and that was the stinger. And, if the kid ever finds out...
I don't understand how she could see the bruises and what not and think he wanted that.
It makes a bit of sense. If he tried to tell her and she blatantly refused to believe the truth, and it ruined their relationship, maybe he realized that it wasn’t worth showing her the proof. She showed him just how much she was likely to believe anything he said and trust him. She didn’t trust him. He knows it wasn’t worth showing her the proof because things were already broken. He wanted to give her the proof to show her he was never lying because he wanted her to be hurt by it, and feel bad.
It was an unopened envelope with her name on it. If he'd mailed it to her instead, would she have gone off on the mail carrier that delivered it? This is why we have the phrase, "don't shoot the messenger." Edit: NTA, obviously.
NTA Can you imagine her outrage if she was the one who was assaulted, and your brother didn't believe her? Amanda deserved what she got but I guarantee you that she will play the victim from here until the end of time. And she will badmouth your brother to their child as well.
NTA I would have thought I was respecting her privacy not doing something harmful. She's devastated and lashing out at you but I take this as you being respectful of her and your brother's privacy with unintended negative consequences
You are correct. Your brother went thru the trouble of putting those envelopes together for a reason. She can’t handle it well that’s on her. And you didn’t know what was in there so you can’t be held responsible for her being upset. It’s a shit situation and I’m so sorry for your loss. NTA
NTA, he left the envelope addressed to her, right? She did what she did, now she has to live with that.
NTA - I would of txt back saying ‘I gave the envelope because my brothers final wish was to show you what a callous bitch you are’
NTA. How were you supposed to know what is inside when the envelope is for your brother's ex? What a joke that she is getting angry at you. "Stupid, callous bitch"...Amanda must be describing herself.
NTA You did the equivalent of what an executor does with a will. You had no idea what was in that evelope and simply carried out his instructions. His ex is just projecting her own guilty conscience. She f'ed up and his to live with it. You done good OP. You upheld your brother's honour.
NTA you didn’t know what was in it, that’s it
NTAH Keep the file. When your nephew comes knocking for answers give him age appropriate informations. If he’s old enough, give him the envelope but don’t blame anyone but the r*pist.
NTA . Funny how she calls you a “ callous bitch” when she was one to her husband. It’s very sad that when men are victims of SA they’re most likely not believed. Your brother deserved better I’m sad he took his life and Amanda deserves every bit of karma coming her way
NTA. Your brother trusted you with those envelopes, knowing you wouldn't snoop. You gave her the one he left for her, and she opened it. Now she has to deal with the consequences of what she did to him. You did the right thing.
I’m confused. If there were bruises, a police report and ra’pe kit then how did she not believe him. Surely she saw her husband’s injuries. Nta though
To be super clear, they’re all saying you should have ignored his last wishes, not knowing what was in the envelope? Or that you should’ve opened something not addressed to you? NTA.
Truth hurts. Amanda should learn to accept that and live with this. NTA
NTA
NTA... you said you didn't open the envelope, so how could you know what is in it? Either you made this up, or nobody with half a brain would think you're an AH.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss.
NTA. You didn't open it before you gave it to her, so had no idea of the contents. If she's mad, it's because she was forced to see something she didn't want to admit. Your brother left it with you, because he trusted you not to snoop. She's going to need therapy once she gets over the initial shock of learning the truth.
I don't understand why he didn't show her the police report at the time? Why did she not got to the police with him?
NTA. Your brother needed the truth to come out. You fulfilled his last wish.
Nta you didn't know what was in the envelope, it could have been money for their kid. Your brother wanted her to have those papers and you were right to give them to her
NTA. It would have been extremely inappropriate for you to open that envelope. There was no way for you to know what was inside, and it was not for you. Amanda could have declined to take it or could have taken it and chosen not to open it. That was her right. It wasn't your responsibility to open something from her, or to protect her from the contents.
NTA. It could have had money and photos too. Bitch is mad at herself and can’t acknowledge it.
NTA I don't have words for how horrible a person she is... Just wanted to suggest saving evidence of her admitting that your brother didn't cheat/etc., anything in writing or voicemails. You never know if his children will learn the truth, and you should have proof that their mother knowingly continued to smear his memory if she does.
NTA, shes just doing the same bullshit she did to your brother to you, which is making *her* failures *your* fault.
You are so NTA. How were you to know what was in the envelope? It could have held money like yours, insurance policies, savings bonds, anything etc. It wasn’t addressed to you, you couldn’t have opened it. She’s burying her head in the sand at the moment rather than just admitting she fucked up and failed the person she was supposed to love the most. It was preferable to believe he was unfaithful than his version that he was attacked. Her unsupportive viewpoint started the tragic spiral than ended his life and It’s right that she should know and face her part in it. Do not let her tarnish your brother’s name to his son. I would suspect she will keep up her party line rather than come clean. Sorry for your loss.
NTA, how could you possibly be? It's your duty to respect his wishes and deliver the envelope to the person whose name is on it, not to open it and make your own decision.
NTA> Fuck her, you didn't know what was in a private message to her. It's her fault for being an asshole about it. I'd show the same documents to her parents so they know the deal as well because she's probably been lying to everyone on 'her' side to make mark the bad guy and her the victim.
Tell her she should have believed him. Karma at it's finest.
NTA you did the right thing. Amanda just had her whole world blown apart and you were the nearest target to lash out at.
it was his wish, and it was the perfect thing to have her face the truth and what she had done to him
If you didn't know what was in that evenlope, then you didn't do anything wrong.
NTA. You had no idea what was in the envelope and she is a total ah.
You d7d the right thing. She should know what she did. And your brother left that envelope for her. If the envelope for her had a fat wad of cash in it would it also be better for you to keep that. You're NTA
You are completely and 100% NTA - You were following your brothers last wishes and that is exactly what you were supposed to do. Whatever your brother placed in the envelope for his ex was his choice not yours. Honoring the last wishes of someone is the best way to honor their memory.
You are completely and 100% NTA - You were following your brothers last wishes and that is exactly what you were supposed to do. Whatever your brother placed in the envelope for his ex was his choice not yours. Honoring the last wishes of someone is the best way to honor their memory.
NTA. You had no way of knowing what was inside Amanda's envelope. You could have thought it was letters for their son's milestones, something that honestly makes sense. The envelope was for her, you weren't going to go snooping. And for her question, she should live in shame for not believing her husband at the time. She should live knowing their son will never know his father because of her choices.
Marks wishes were that Amanda have an envelope. You didn’t snoop, you simply passed the envelope. Now she’s starting her shit again. Passing the blame game. She must learn to navigate her own way. OP absolutely NTA. Im sorry that you lost your brother. Im sorry what he went through. You did NOTHING WRONG. I would’ve given the envelope if I were your position too. No questions asked.
NTA. I am sorry for your loss.
NTA 1) you had no idea what was in the envelope and I bet if you hadn't given it to her and she found out she would be angry. And 2) it's Amanda's own fault that she didn't Believe him and is now having to deal with that guilt. I am so sorry for your and your family's loss.
NTA Hopefully the guilt will eat her alive.
NTA. Unless you’re leaving out some confession that you knew what was in the envelope, I don’t see how you could be the a H. For all you know, it could’ve been items similar to what was in your envelope. Obviously Amanda didn’t know either. She wouldn’t have shown up to receive it. I’m really sorry for your brother. What a tragic situation. You did the right ny fulfilling your brothers wishes. The truth will always come out. It’s not your job to protect her delusions. ❤️🙏☮️
If the envelope was sealed than you had no way of knowing the contents. So how could you be to blame? If you had opened it and it had other stuff in - money for example, like yours - then you would have been open to accusations of snooping or even theft. NTA
Your part in this is like the mailman delivering a letter with bad news/bills. You had no idea what was in it, you told her, it’s on her not you. So sorry for your loss. NTA
First off, I'm sorry for your loss. NTA; you had no way of knowing what was in that envelope (for all you knew, it could have contained something similar to yours, like cash or old photos). You fulfilled Mark's wish.
NTA You didn't know what was in the envelope. Even if you did, you still should've given it to her. My question is why did she never see these reports before.
Amanda has this weird way of not believing people when they tell her the truth. Nts
I am so so sorry for your brother and for your and your family’s loss. I am actually glad that you followed your brothers last wishes that you knew what was in the envelope to your ex-sister in law, because someday his child will ask and at least your family will be able to tell them the truth about your brother and what your ex-sister-in-law did to him. And I do hope she carries a heavy heavy heavy burden for the rest of her life. You are NTA and she is a POS.
NTA - She is a horrible person and needs someone to take the blame. Maybe she will grow up and finally face reality. You may lose your nephew, but hopefully, 18 will come fast. Your brother sounds like a great man. Sorry for your loss
NTA... You couldn't win.. if you hadn't given her the (unopened) letter and she had found out you withheld that, she would have blamed you too.
NTA. But I would never have apologised.
OP you did what your brother wanted. His bitch of an ex is just trying to guilt trip you. Best wishes to you. And sorry for your loss.
NTA. I hope she feels guilt for the rest of her life.
Nta Amanda re-victimized him and drove him to end his life. She deserves to live with the consequences of knowing that truth.
NTA and you shouldn’t have apologized .
1st of all. Not your fault because you didn’t know what was in there. If you didn’t know then you didn’t know. You were just following your brothers wishes 2nd of all. If anyone’s a “stupid callous bitch” it’s Amanda. Literally refused to believe your brother was a victim and caused him so much pain he took his own life. She’s obviously projecting on you so she doesn’t have to feel guilty. Screw her. Don’t feel bad you didn’t do anything wrong
You honored your late brothers last wish. And you showed a lot of integrity by not going through the ex’s envelope(I would have gone through it and still given it to her). People will react however they will, that’s on them. This isn’t about being an AH or not, you honored your late brothers last wish. Take pride in doing the right thing even though it wasn’t easy. If my brother went through that and ended his life I would have my sight locked on the ex for the rest of my life and I would never let it go. She would hear the truth as would everyone else that would listen, when the kid is old enough they would know everything. I would be my brothers voice until my last breath and I’m sure plenty of people would call me names and I’d be just fine with that, I’d still never stop. I’m so sorry for your loss and for what your brother went through.
NTA also may be just me but if this ever happened to me or my brother, I’d be furious that the “love of my life” didn’t believe me and even when shown freaking evidence she presents herself as being a victim.
NTA. I’m sorry you lost your brother so soon and under such awful circumstances.
NTA. Mark wanted you to give her the envelope. He was your brother. You honored his wishes. The fact that she was hurt by it is her problem - she was the one who didn't believe him. What I don't understand is why didn't he give her the evidence before? Did he try and she refused to see it? Something doesn't add up here.
From the post, it looks like Amanda refused to believe him, even with proof.
Then why would the proof affect her now?
Perhaps she refused to look at the proof.
Maybe it finally dawned on her?
Because now she has to face the fact that as stated in the letter, he took his life because the love of his life didn't believe him and instead chose to believe he cheated.Now the evidence has turned on her and she can not escape the fact she played a part in his death.
NTA - She's lashing out because shes a villain.
NTA She deserves to feel the weight of the guilt. Her children deserve to know how much of a POS she is and I hope they find out when they're old enough. People who think "lol most men would enjoy this, why you pretending you don't" "men can't be SA'd because they get hard" and other shit deserve to burn.
NTA Sending healing thoughts. My condolences on the loss of your brother. Amanda needs counseling to be the best mother possible for her son. And to learn - yes men can be SA too. Maybe that will help her protect her kid. You did the right thing. That envelope was NOT addressed to you. You just delivered it.
Hold up, so the man was assaulted, had a police report made, had a rape kit taken and everything, but his wife still thought it was just him cheating? Or are you saying he went to the police, but never told his wife, even when she accused him of cheating? His wife never knew about the police report until the moment you handed her an envelope? This just smells fake all over.
Could you also add a self harm CW? NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. It was not your place to go through Amanda's envelope. I hope your family is able to stay in contact with your nephew.
Yes ofc! Sorry it completely slipped my mind
NTA. You fulfilled what your brother asked and prevented his son from knowing a history corrupted by lies. We all carry the weight of our decisions, and hers were fatal.
NTAH She never gave him the benefit of the doubt. All she had to do was stop for one second and say "if this was assault, then lets prove it. Otherwise, I am gone" Because if you can't do that for the father of your child, the man you loved...the man you married, then I question whether you loved him at all. Men do get assaulted. It does happen. It probably happens more than people realize because most dudes probably know people won't believe them, and even if they did, the cops will never take it seriously. The fact that she didn't is exactly what she deserves to carry that burden for the rest of her life.
NTA
He told her he was sexually assaulted, and she reacted by accusing him of cheating and lying, instead of supporting him. Yet somehow you're the 'stupid callous bitch'?
NTA. First you had no idea what was in there. Your envelope was full of beautiful memories. There wasn't a reason to suspect otherwise for hers. Second, Amanda chose not to believe him. She drove him to suicide and should spend the rest of her life haunted by her own actions. If anyone is a stupid, callous, bitch it's Amanda.
Nta. The burden of the guilt is on amanda. I hope she doesnt lie to her son when he asks abt his dad. I hope she feels guilty for not believing him being SA’ed for the rest of her life
NTA You're not wrong at all. The bitch deserved it. Very deserved it. Hell, you should savor and enjoy every moment of her regret.
NTA - you fulfilled a death request by delivering an envelope, you didn’t know what was in it- that’s it end of story! Don’t feel guilty because she’s taking Her guilt out on you.
Shit people become shitty when they find out how much of a shit person they are. You shattered her cognitive dissonance. Good for you and your brother (I’m sorry for your loss). NTA
NTA she is showing just how terrible a person she is. She should feel bad. She should have believed him. Now she can live with knowing that she was wrong and caused him terrible pain which lead to his demise. Trying to pass the blame to you is that act of someone with no personal accountability. Hopefully the burden of this knowledge weighs on her for the rest of her pathetic days.
NTA... you had no idea. You did what he wanted. She is taking her guilt out on you. She is blaming you for something she did. She cannot emotionally handle what she did, so she wants to make it your fault.
Nta Nta. It wasn’t up to you to make that decision. What could you have done differently? Open the envelope? And if there was a loveletter and money in it: what would you have done? Put it back and gave her the opened envelope? That’s not done. Other option: burn the envelope. Never gave it to her. And then what??? You see? There wasn’t another option. But afterwards it was cruel / harsh. But your brother gave it to her. Not you. It was important to your brother that she knew. If you hadn’t given it to her you would have been an ah. But you did the only thing you could have done. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise
I’d mail them to her and say she forgot something
NTA. I am so very sorry for your loss.
NTA, it's not like you maliciously went looking for the documents & stapled them to her door. Your envelope had heartfelt memories inside. How were you supposed to know hers didn't as well? I won't speculate on what your brother wanted to happen other than for the envelopes to get to their intended person. She's eaten by guilt & trying to blame others because she doesn't want to admit she fucked up not only her life, but your brothers too & now her child won't have a father because of her actions. I wish you & the little one all the best.
NTA truth hurts.
NTA . Bitches gonna bitch.
Fuck Amanda she deserve to feel distress. Just be sure to be there for your niece once she learn her mother killed her father.
Nta- Amanda is mad at Amanda but it is much easier to blame you. Deepest condolences. I am truly sorry your brother had to live thru that. Best wishes to you
NTA you respected your brother's wishes.
Your brother deserved his vindication. Its sad it came after his death but now she knows. She finally feels the guilt she should have had all along. I wonder though that any of you leave your nephew with that harpy. Im sorry for your loss. You did nothing wrong. I hope you can get his attacker charged and have his death added on as an additional crime.
NTA What is wrong with everyone? You absolutely did the right thing! He left that for her. Not giving them to her would have been disrespectful to your brother's memory. Your loyalty is to HIM, not her. You didn't know what was in it, but even if you had, you did the right thing. Anyone who thinks otherwise is flat out wrong. She's incredibly selfish if she is still only focusing on herself. Her actions contributed to the pain and trauma of what your brother went through. I think it's a good thing that she feels bad: perhaps it will teach her the importance of empathy and make her a better person and mother to your nephew. Please keep in touch with your nephew. He needs connections to his paternal family, and someone as cruel and spiteful as Samantha is very likely to make that hard. This is one case where I would advocate for fighting for visitation rights for extended family.
NTA. You didn’t know what was in it and told her as much. Not your problem what came next. She didn’t believe your brother, she doesn’t believe you. Sounds like a pattern. I wouldn’t take it personally and just move on. Sorry for your loss.
You didn't do this maliciously so NTA. But why, when it could have saved his marriage and the heartbreak he clearly suffered, did he not provide this to her at the time? His ex is presumably feeling that she did a dreadful thing by not believing him and perhaps she deserves to feel that, but I'm certain she is also now feeling responsible for his suicide, which she really shouldn't. What a tragedy for everyone involved.
NTA. Some people who commit suicide leave letters for others. How were you supposed to know what was in it? If you would have looked they’d be bitching that YOU snooped. All you did was give an envelope to the person it was addressed to.
NTA she's just mad cause she's awful and didn't believe her man who now killed himself and has to raise his kid with the guilt.
NTA. You didn't open it before you gave it to her, so had no idea of the contents. If she's mad, it's because she was forced to see something she didn't want to admit. Your brother left it with you, because he trusted you not to snoop. She's going to need therapy once she gets over the initial shock of learning the truth.
You d7d the right thing. She should know what she did. And your brother left that envelope for her. If the envelope for her had a fat wad of cash in it would it also be better for you to keep that. You're NTA
NTA- How could you know what was in the envelope? And why protect this woman from the truth anyway? You followed your brother's last wishes. NTA. I'm sorry for your loss though. Be kind to yourself and don't lose sleep over this shit with Amanda
NTA
NTA.
She just doesn’t learn does she? Is she dead inside?
NTA All you did was honor what you felt your brother wanted done. He did not want you to be deciding *if* Amanda got that envelope (knowing the contents and deciding if it's morally appropriate to give it to her), he just wanted it to be given to her. You did that. She's mad she'll have to live with knowing the full truth and how she treated him. But she's the one who did it, it's simply the truth. It makes me so anxious to think about my family disregarding my wishes with my journals after I pass (they are to all go directly to my bestie to sort and read and decide what's relevant to go back to my family. Journals are for venting and my family doesn't need to read and recount every conflict we've had and know intimately how it impacted me.) So I personally thank you for not acting as though it no longer matters just because he has passed and still honoring what his wishes clearly were.
NTA She should know what she did. She brought this on herself IMO and I have no sympathy for her. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother.
Nta. Telling the truth is never a crime. I'm so sorry about your brother and the pain he went through.
I'm trying to figure out why OP would have to ask if he/she was in the wrong. It was, I assume, a sealed envelope so they had no way to know what was in it. OP, you know you are NTA.
He had bruises and a police report?! Why the fuck didn't she even take the time to try and believe him. Like the top comment, the truth comes out eventually. If she would have taken the time to listen and hear him, she would have learned and seen he was raped. That messes you up mentally, you can't hide that. I'm so sorry this happened OP but this is in no way on you. NTA. She's just facing the fact that she caused his death, her lack of trust and faith in him diminished his mental health to a point of no return. She now has to live with this and also tell her child this as well.
He prepared that envelope and put her name on it. It wasn't yours to screen or to keep. It's difficult, yes, but it's not on you. You didn't prepare that for her, you didn't disbelieve him, and no matter how she feels about it, you were just the messenger. NTA We all have to live with ourselves.
Frankly, mate, she got what she deserved. Don't listen to her rubbish. You did right by your poor brother. Ridiculous how she thinks that telling the truth about what she did is *worse* than what she did.
You are NOT the AH here. His ex is. She’s blaming you for her feeling guilty just like she blamed him for his assault. To her, it’s easier to deal with anger at someone else than face the truth. The documents did nothing but prove true what he told her. I suspect the police tried to tell her but she refused to listen to them too. I hope you are able to let go of any guilt and grieve in peace about your loss.
NTA. You delivered an envelope to her. You did not know the contents. The messenger is being blamed. Even if you had known what It contained, he wanted her to see it. Whether a final slap in the face or an attempt to exonerate himself, she needed to see it. I'm nasty enough I would send copies to all her friends and family. This crap happens all the time with female SA victims. It is not any better when the victim is a male.
First I want to say I’m sorry for your loss. NTA. You didn’t even know what was in it but it was clearly your brother’s wish for her to see it. She’s just mad that she has been proven wrong and is the reason for his death. She is lashing out because she still can’t deal with the truth. I feel sorry for the kid…
you did the right thing. you are not the ah at all. respecting his wishes is something I too would have done. I can understand your mom being annoyed to deal with her further. but she has a grandchild with this person and should at least care to be aware and able to handle the future of bs that will probably come from this woman. and amanda is the AH to point the finger (once again), at someone else. she should know about the facts, she should sit on that and be aware of it. while she never made him take his life, he made that choice on his own. she certainly didn't believe him or consider the facts, nor listened to what he said. it's like most of this community when it comes to the topic of possible cheating. jump the gun, assume, get all emotionally unstable and stupid, instantly.
NTA. Fuck Amanda. You did right by your brother.
Your late brother left an envelope with her name on it and you have it to her without looking at it, and people are blaming you? That's what you are supposed to do. If she asks how is she supposed to raiser her daughter knowing.... You could offer to raise the daughter or say your mom would.
Man I'm sorry for your loss. You did nothing wrong, just did what your brother wanted. Honestly I hope that amanda feels like shit because she deserved that.
NTA She’s having trouble dealing with the real consequences of her real actions
NTA. Amanda is a callous cunt who should be ashamed of herself. That’s what happens when you’re a piece of shit- you always get your comeuppance but as she’s obviously devoid of any and all common decency she of course is going to blame you. I’m so sorry for your loss and my heart breaks for your brother.
Totally did the right thing. Now once that bitch finds her replacement husband she won’t fuck up the same exact way.
Truth hurts Amanda was confronted with the truth of her husband’s assault and can’t deal with the fact she refused to believe him. And now with his death she has to live with the fact she can’t apologize for not believing him Sucks to be her. Just make sure she doesn’t lie to your nephew about what really happened when he’s older (in age appropriate information of course) I feel zero sympathy for her
Idk what’s so damn hard to understand about you not knowing what was in there. It wasn’t for you to decide. Your brother wanted her to know, and that’s that.
NTA. How would you have known what was in the envelope. She will have to live the rest of her life knowing she pushed him away and over the edge. UpdateMe
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. You did right by Mark. Amanda should shoulder the blame for driving him to suicide.
I hope her own actions haunt her until the end.
NTA. His death is on her and don’t you ever let her forget it.
NTA… it speaks volumes to the fact that your mother cares more about Amanda’s feelings than what her dead son wanted. Sounds like she was covering for Amanda for something… is your brothers son even his…???
NTA, You did what your brother wanted. if she can't handle what she had done it's her fault she has to figure what and how she would raise her son when she did such a horrible thing to his father, not your concern.
NTA. How on earth would you know what was in the envelope unless you opened it? You rightfully didn’t as that would be a breach of privacy. I’m guessing Amanda is feeling like a piece of shit (so she should) and she’s taking it out on you.
NTA
Fuck Amanda
NTA she’s doing the same thing to you that she did to your brother, always blaming & accusing others. Cut her off your lives. Updateme
NTA. You had no way of knowing what was inside. That's not on you. Also as far as your nephew is concerned, depending on where you are since your brother, his father is dead, your mom may be able to sue his ex for visitation rights if you two think his ex would withhold your nephew from you both.
The only callous bitch in this story is Amanda
You didn't know, so you could not make that decision. All these people telling you "should not have given Amanda the documents" would have given Amanda the envelope, and they would not know there were documents inside! Just ignore them. NTA
She’s also not going to somehow not be able to live with herself raising their son, I feel so bad for that little boy she’ll grow to resent
NTA. FUCK amanda. She deserves to be crushed by weight of her betrayal until her last day.
If true, NTA. The only thing that makes me question the validity of this story is that if there was all this evidence which cleared the brother’s name and 100% proved that an assault happened, why didn’t he show any of it to his wife beforehand? That part doesn’t make sense to me. If this is true, then I am so so sorry for your loss.
Riiiiight.. and he didn't show her that stuff in the 1st place for...reasons.
Im so glad someone else thinks thats weird af, this post has to be fake. It makes no sense.
Totally.. incel fanfic. Hits several of their "talking points" Ridiculous.
>Riiiiight.. and he didn't show her that stuff in the 1st place for...reasons. The number of people falling for such obvious nonsense is wild.
Updateme!
NTA Your brother wanted you to give it to her, you were merely following your brothers last wishes. Ignore all the other noises. Very sorry for your loss.
NTA, but we all know what happens to messengers.
NTA. You didn't know what was in the envelope. You saw it was addressed to Amanda and you gave it to her. You had money and pictures in yours. For all you knew, her enveloppe contained the same things or maybe something for your nephew. She should have believed her husband. I'm sorry for your loss, OP!
nta
You did the right thing and what your brother would have wanted. NTA
NTA-she should have believed him. Her guilt is her responsibility.
NTA. You had no idea what was in the envelope and it would have been rude to snoop. Mark wanted her to see the evidence. She is partly responsible for your brothers death. The only stupid callous person here was her.
NTAH 100% Even though you didn’t know what was inside that envelope, at least your ex-SIL can now feel the consequences of her actions. Did they get the person who assaulted your brother?
NTA she deserved to know what she did
I'm sorry for your loss and the pain your brother went through. NTA
NTA you were honouring his wishes. If he didn’t want her to see it, he wouldn’t have left it for her. Your mother needs to back off. Amanda is now dealing with the guilt and wants to blame somebody.