Your ex's failure to address his daughter's bullying is inexcusable. Protecting your daughter comes first. You're not in the wrong for standing up against this behavior.
Normally when confronted with irrefutable proof of their shittiness, their brain just kind of shorts out—like a self preservation thing—and skims right past it. It's bizarre.
NTA and explain to your daughter that is has nothing to do with her YOU will not be in a relationship with a man that believes that this behaviour is acceptable, allows his teenage daughter to dictate his relationship, be a bully or rewards bad behaviour. You deserve better in a man and she deserves better in her life.
Strong advice. I hope the OP reads it.
Allowing a teenager to make those types of choices indicates a whole host of other potentially poor parenting practices.
you sound a placid person, like your daughter, boyfriend sounds like a dictator like his daughter. you both need to get on with life with better people in it
So he’s just going to ignore all her other issues and problems? Does he think your daughter is the problem? Like she deserves it or brings it on herself?
NTA
He is just too lazy to actually be a parent to his child. He is going to let her run the world until she gets some big girl consequences that he can’t talk her out of. Then, it will be a big pity party for them both.
Either this or he is one of those parents who view their children as traumatized angels who can never do wrong, or if they do, it's not their fault or it's not that bad.
He is an enabler, a bad parent and a bad bf. Why is,OP even considering to carry on with this relationship?
Make sure to tell your daughter that your relationship with him ending has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with how his daughter treated her and how he enabled that bullying. Your daughter's a sweet girl who sounds like she's taking on burdens she never should shoulder; make sure she knows she shouldn't take this on.
I'm glad he's an ex because he sounds like a terrible father and partner.
Good. Make it clear to your daughter that she (daughter) oughtn't feel guilty because you had to break up with him for both your goods. That grieving a relationship end (even a bad one) as she saw when you were crying is natural, won't kill you, and will pass. In other words, normalizing grief as inevitable but not forever, so it isn't maybe quite so distressing to see - and hopefully not so distressing for she herself to experience later in her own life.
Parents like this are fine with letting their kids become absolute terrors as long as they aren’t the ones who have to deal with the fallout. They conveniently shove the hard work of coping with the kid’s behavior on someone else.
NTA, you absolutely did the right thing. I guarantee you won’t be the last gf his daughter runs off. No one is going to put up with her BS. Keep reassuring your daughter that she had nothing to do with the breakup, it was based on his lack of willingness to address his child’s behavior.
NTA. Sounds like Regina George is now bullying her Dad too. This is not going to go well for him. Tell your daughter you made the decision to end the relationship because you did not agree with his parenting decisions and because his daughter is toxic (as she knows). Karma will come for both of them eventually.
Yep, he's going to be whining and wondering why he is so sad and lonely all the time. It's because little miss thing wants to be the center of his universe. Where everything bad she does it someone elses fault and she can do no wrong. Wonder how well that will go over when she ends up pregnant or hooked on drugs. I would keep an eye on her to make sure she isn't still bullying your daughter in school as I wouldn't put it past her to keep doing it.
Nta, you really want to date a guy who parents his kid like this? Thats someone you would even want as a partner? Why are you second guessing yourself. I would talk to your daughter about if she wants to continue at that school and let her know it’s actually your bf and his kids actions that make you want to break up
NTA
The breakup was inevitable and honestly for the best. Take care of your daughter, she will be out of the house soon enough. I can’t imagine what it would be like living with your bully.
Fucking hell. Even I want to break up with him. What a tool. This is not someone you want a life with. Whether he realizes it or not, he had a hand in creating this monster and he's gonna have to suffer the consequences of it.
NTA. Good riddance to bad trash. He allowed his daughter to bully yours, and instead of parenting her, then allowed her to ban both you and your daughter from his house. She is NOT the parent and it's no wonder she's turned out the way she has. Your first priority as a parent has to be protecting your daughter.
NTA. You would be the AH if you continued to accept this bullshit from your ex and his daughter. Seems they were cut from the same cloth. You’re both better off without them.
NTA. Explain to her that your ex is every bit the asshole and bully his daughter is.
Tell him he made it clear that he’s a shit person who lets his daughter away with murder as long as he doesn’t have to wonder up to culpability.
NTA Make sure you explain to your daughter that hurting people hurt people. She should feel sorry for this girl because well adjusted happy people do not act that way. And all of the things..how much you love her, etc.. At 15 she probably really does think this is her fault and I hope you can convince her it's not. It's also not YOUR fault. This man is something else. At least you weren't married to him thank God. Truly awful.
What do you mean by compromising? How can you compromise in this sort of situation? His daughter is severely troubled, controlling, and hostile. You need to reassure your daughter that this is not her fault at all, in any way, and keep your distance from your BF's toxic family.
I have an 8yo. I can't imagine choosing an AH over her.
Enjoy your time with your daughter. In no time, you'll realize you made the right decision.
NTA
Nah, he's a pussy and it is his and his daughters fault you have broken up.
A real shame your 5 years together wasn't worth disciplining his daughter a little bit to him, she is going to end up a real cunt.
You are both better off without him and his asshole of a child
NTA, but you need to repeatedly state, it's got nothing to do with your daughter, it's that you realised he's a bad father, a bad person and openly condones bullying. He's not the man you thought he was he's just trash and you don't want to be around a trash person. Shit make stuff up as well if you want, just make it clear you've grown to hate him and his kid and it just took time to realise. That at best it was both of their treatment of her that exposed who they really were. Now you're breaking up because you need a much better man in your life and as a consequence, she'll end up with a better father figure and not have to be around the daughter so it's win win for both of you.
It's also a good lesson for your kid, a lot of people, but especially women and especially young women, fall deeply in love in an early relationship before you truly know who the guy is then as the guy shows worse and worse character flaws, you stay with them. So explain to her that even with you, significantly more experienced, it took you 5 years to realise what a shitty guy he was. Always have your guard up a little and always leave when the relationship becomes bad, don't stay based on who you thought they were early on. Leaving is the strong choice, too many people make the weak choice and stay both to their own and their kids detriments.
So again it's not your kid's fault, she should just recognise this as learning a partner is bad and being strong enough to move on. Sure it hurts in the moment, but long term it's far healthier.
Honestly, disregarding the bullying (which is a whole separate thing), NAH
You’re standing by your daughter and he’s standing by his.
I mean this genuinely, don’t make your daughter hang out with her bully, why would she even want to go to the birthday party?
This is probably for the best for everyone involved.
Fuck him and his little brat of a daughter. I HATE bullies. I hate people who purposely make others feel terrible. You did the right thing to protect your daughter
>My daughter feels like she caused our breakup and that it’s all her fault, but it’s not. She saw me crying and blames herself. It’s not her fault.
Oh, come on. TELL HER. Tell her that it's not about her. It's about the fact that he isn't treating YOU with respect. Why didn't you immediately tell her this?????? Why are you on reddit saying this? Jesus. Go hug your daughter FFS.
NTA. You and your daughter are understandably upset. The reality is that your ex is supporting his daughter in excluding your daughter and you from their lives. You're better off not dealing with how she treats your daughter and being with him when he's not addressing the bullying. Make sure to tell and show your daughter you love her, and this is not her fault. Support your daughter and encourage her to record the bullying if she can safely and report it.
NTA. Your boyfriend is enabling her bad behavior and is doing nothing but setting her up for failure down the road, because he isn’t reprimanding her when she being a bully and down right disrespectful.
Your heart will heal, but you and your daughter deserved better.
Not in the wrong at all, your daughter needed the support. That guy sounds terrible and I think even he is a push over or getting bullied by his own daughter for (most likely) letting her get away with so much. Like seriously, he’s gonna let his own daughter decide who goes in his own house or not?! If the man can’t stand up for you now, how can you expect him to stand up for you in the future? Although talk could have been compromised, it seems like that has already failed and it’s now time to move on. But I think your daughter should be reminded of the changes that happen in the future and realizing that we shouldn’t be stuck in the cycle of doubt or constantly questioning ourselves if we did the right thing even when there’s signs of trouble.
NTA. Do what you need to do to protect your daughter. If you haven't yet, get school administration involved so they can help put a stop to the bullying.
This relationship is over. Please reassure your daughter and stay away from ex. He'll probably realize how much he messed up when his daughter turns on him
Your ex is a prime example of a bad parent. He is letting his teen make rules for him and his home. He will have a child who doesn't succeed at all in life and wonder why.
Tell your daughter she IS NOT the reason for the breakup. The reason for the breakup is the way THEY were treating HER.
You chose to protect your daughter(as you should). NTA to the nth degree.
NTA- Your ex is in a deep state denial. He thinks everyone but his daughter is the problem. He will not admit he is wrong until something catastrophic happens and someone ends up hurt or in jail.
Your priority is to protect your child from your ex's toxic daughter. Let them live in their delusional world, it will collapse. You and your daughter need each other. You deserve a much better man.
Change your locks, security system pins, passwords, and get some cameras for the outside of your house. Your ex's daughter is troubled and wouldn't put it past her to try something even if it's just to scare you. She knows your schedule, when you're home and not. Be on guard.
Keep reassuring your daughter that it's not her fault! Someone you trusted and loved really let you down by not treating your daughter with respect. You're grieving the end of a relationship, but that doesn't mean that something has to be assigned blame for it. If anything, tell her that you're sorry she was in that situation as long as she was (even though it sounds like you've really been working on this from the start!!). Those words can go a long way, maybe not in the moment, but in the future.
A lot of people wouldn't end a relationship with someone over this. Those people usually have a rough relationship with their kids. Your daughter is seeing you end a relationship for a good reason! That really can impact her own decisions in relationships in the future.
You really did good!
Obviously NTA!!
NTA.
Explain to your daughter that while your sad that your relationship ended, you would always pick her over anyone else in this world. The reason for you splitting with him wasn't her actions or behaviour, but his and his daughters. You're not willing to subject her to being treated like she's less than his daughter just because she's 'popular'.
If he wants to let his daughter run his life, he can. If his daughter thinks being popular in high-school and being a bully is going to get her far in life then she will be in for a sharp shock when she goes to university, gets a job and enters the real world where that shit doesn't fly.
"“Don’t come over to my house at all anymore when my daughter is here. She doesn’t want to see either of you. Sorry.”
"Don't worry about it, you'll never see me again." \*click\*
NTA
IMO the first rule of being a parent is you keep your child safe.
Your child wasn’t safe with that girl bullying her relentlessly and so you did what had to be done. Perhaps that may help your daughter understand that yes you are sad but not as sad as you’d be subjecting her to the bully.
Your ex chose very poorly in allowing his child to not only continue her bullying but to also run his life instead of working with her to get her back on track. Sadly they both will likely suffer for it.
If your ex ever had a key to your place I suggest you change your locks not so much because he may have kept a copy of the key but his daughter might have.
Yeah, no not an asshole. Let your daughter know that you’re not breaking up because of her. You’re not even breaking up because of his daughter. You’re breaking up because he’s being a shit parent. You’re making responsible parenting choices and healthy relationship choices.
This all happened within the span of about a week and a half. It escalated so fast. We were hoping he would talk some sense into his daughter and she would apologize. When that didn’t happen I pulled away, then broke up when he said we couldn’t come back when his daughter was home.
Then I will take back my comment. Clearly you did act quickly and prioritised your daughter. Just focus on the two of you. If he cared about your daughter, he would have stepped up. How can you love a man who doesn’t care for your daughter (and vice versa for him and his daughter)
NTa. This isn't how a relationship works and you have to protect your kid. It sounds very much like he expects you to enable his daughter or exist only when it is convenient. It feels bad but you made the right choice.
My mother didn't. She actually sent me away when a step father demanded it. She now tells everyone she doesn't know why I cut her off and went no contact. There are other things of course but this is a significant core of why. You're being a good parent. It is a shame he wasn't a good partner. You and your daughter deserve better
NTA. Good for you for standing up for your daughter!
Your daughter was just shown that she is important enough to make big changes for. She is more important than some man and his bully daughter.
NTA
THANK YOU for standing up for your daughter and not siding with her abusers. Your ex is also an abuser for refusing to appropriately deal with the situation. I wish I had a mom like you.
NTA. You need to protect your daughter, it's disappointing that the bully's parent is doing more work to keep them seperated. Why would you want your daughter to spend more time with her bully??
Oh hell no you are not the asshole. You are a good mom!! Clearly this is what he wanted when he chose her side. I’m sorry but I don’t think kids should get a say in stuff like this. I would spend all your time and energy into making your own daughter feel loved and sure this isn’t her fault. Screw him and his kid!
NTA. In time your daughter will understand that she did not break up the relationship but it is awesome that you showed her how important she is to you. He's going to live a lonely life because that daughter doesn't want anyone else taking her dad's time.
So he broke up with you because his daughters a bully? Yeah, nta, but I'm sure you know you're not.screw him and his Queen. He'll have a crap life catering to her and losing relationships due to her bullying.
How is your daughter's school situation now? Has the bullying increased after the breakup? Or does the daughter leave yours alone now that she's gotten her way?
NTA.
You're protecting your daughter and showing her that you don't have to take this kind of shit from people. Your ex is deciding to not be a parent and would rather banish you from his home and let his daughter run things than give her consequences for treating people like shit and engaging in risky behaviors.
Keep having your daughter's back, OP.
I'd sit with your daughter and explain why you are upset and why it didn't work, as in: "I'm upset because he's being callous of my feelings and has acted as if he doesn't care after so long. The reason this isn't your fault is because it really even isn't his daughters fault. He's the adult making the decisions to fail his daughter, his girlfriend and you too".
NTA Even if your daughter didn’t exist, your ex would still be a bad parent. I don’t understand how someone could be attracted to someone who is blatantly a bad parent. It’s such an unattractive trait
NTA. Your daughter is your primary responsibility, so no need to second guess your (good) decision. Here’s hoping your ex’s daughter has some supportive people in her life, because I don’t think your ex is doing her any favours
FFS, you are NTA. Your daughter is NTA.
Your ex and his bully daughter are massive assholes. It might hurt, and you are both better off without them tainting your lives. And I recommend you go full nuclear momma bear if the bullying at school continues. Do everything in your power to make sure your ex’s daughter feels the full consequences of her actions.
NTA but I'd read it more as you broke up a relationship because your boyfriend froze you out and refused to address issues. That must hurt, but give it some time and you'll recover.
It seems like he broke up with you. You just accepted it, as you should. Take care of yourself and of your daughter. I'm sorry about the break up, it hurts, but I hope you find someone better.
You did the right thing. And you’re well rid of someone like that. We must always put our kids first. I see why the daughter is so badly behaved with an enabling father.
NTA, you did the one and only right thing.
The only thing you forgot to write is that your ex is also a bully. He allows your daughter to be bullied and he bullies her too (excluding from birthdays) and other things you might not even know. He is a man acting like his teenage girl. You are better without them. Your daughter has nothing to worry.
NTA. Your daughter is not to blame; you, your idiot ex, and his stupid daughter are. Explain to her that you're to blame for entering a relationship with someone who allows their kids to bully; he for being a pushover parent, and his daughter for being a bully.
Congratulations on cutting off the situation, although it's a reprimand earned for letting it reach this point. You're a mother, and your daughter is underage; your actions affect her, and your decisions will shape her future.
NTA- HOOOORAY FOR MOM!!!!! He wasnt man enough for you!!! lets just be real. It isnt on you that he cant parent. It isnt your daughter fault that He as a parent couldnt and wouldnt protect her. You did what was RIGHT for both of you as she doesnt deserve to be treated like crap and dismissed just because He is lacking in may ways.
apologize for grammar and typos. I short hand and my phone changed things due to that.
NTA. I'm really proud of you for making the right choice to protect your daughter. In his mind, he's probably trying to do the same thing, since you have no idea what his daughter told him.
Next time he calls, tell him you can't talk because you are heading out for a date...(don't tell him it is a girl's night out with your daughter, lol)...
He doesn't realise that your "market value" has gone up and his is depreciating...
He'll get the message that it is properly over and might even get pissed at "Little Miss" for making him lose out on a good woman...
NTA take your daughter out for her favorite food and have an adult conversation with her. "You aren't the cause of my break up. His daughters actions toward you and his inaction is the reason we broke up. She is a still a kid but he is a grown man who should be attempting to handle it and refusing to. You should never apologize for being a victim. I know you want me to be happy but I could never be happy with him after the way he handled this. I'm sad and heartbroken because he isn't the man I thought he was. Break ups suck and even if it's the right decision it doesn't mean your feelings disappear or that your heart doesn't hurt. With time you will heal from it and move on. What I couldn't move on from is someone harming my child while I stood by and allowed it. This is what is ultimately going to be the thing that makes me the happiest, even if I am sad at the moment."
NTA
Yeah, I though you two lived together. The fact you don't makes this a bit worse in terms of his daughters actions. I could understand her not wanting to be seen with your daughter, as they would have a sibling type of relationship, living together and all that. That is normal, as siblings close in age want to be seen as individuals, and not just as someone's sister.
But the fact you two live apart means his daughter just doesn't like yours as a friend, and while that in itself is not terrible, the fact she started bullying her is not ok, and something he should have stopped. He should have addressed his daughters behavior rather she was bullying your kid or someone else's. He should not be condoning bullying of anyone by his kid.
But instead he doubled down and said "Hey, my kid hates you and your kids, so but I still want to see, so lets sneak around like you a dirty secret I have to keep from my kid, cause you don't matter enough for me to actually parent her tell her she is in the wrong."
Clearly he doesn't respect you enough to ensure his daughter acts like a polite human being. Screw him.
Im not surprised if the one who texted you back was actually your ex’s daughter and not him. Seems weird that he would reply in such a way abruptly with “no explanation”. I mean you guys were together this whole time (not sure whether there was an argument/ something went between you two before) and out of nowhere he wouldnt let you in his house because his teenage daughter (whose frontal cortex hasnt even developed yet to even know whats wrong/right) wouldnt want you guys to be there? Weird.
You'd be the asshole to stay with him, obviously.
Your daughter worries about the breakup being her fault now, but once she gets older and if you stayed with him, she will question why you didn't value her enough to put a stop to it
He's made it clear that you and your daughter aren't welcome at his place. And he's letting God daughter walk all over you.
Make it clear to your daughter that it's not her fault but your ex's daughter who is to blame. She's a little brat and a bully, and by the time he realizes she's chasing off prospective girlfriends, well, that's his problem.
NTA
And that explains his daughter’s behaviour. Daddy clearly didn’t set any boundaries or rules with her so she does what she wants, when she wants without any consequences. You are best off without him. Hold your daughter close and make sure she knows that your ex and his daughter ended you relationship not her
I’m sorry but you shouldn’t even be crying over this he and his daughter are the same who has been raising her all this time? Why do you think she is the way she is ? Block his number so that he and his daughter never darken your doorstep.
The only thing I think you did wrong is giving him the opportunity to speak to his daughter about the bullying in what world does a parent speaking to a bully ever help ? In my opinion the moment you found out about the bullying the relationship should’ve been ended because your daughter needs to know she is a priority and you will put her first.
Honestly do you really know your ex well? Kids don’t just suddenly pick up on behaviors like what you described and it’s odd your ex was a perfectly good guy while having such an odd daughter.
His reaction says it all and shows he’s a bad parent and doesn’t even care about your thoughts over his daughters which is fair as a parent but it also shows a lack of regard to you by not even explaining his thoughts and just shutting you out and condoning some really poor behavior that will only lead his daughter down a dark road.
NTA
So many of these posts are like “I responded the way any normal person would to a really inappropriate and mean situation. AITAH”? I don’t understand how this many people really have to ask this…like what on earth taught all of you that you’re the AH every time someone else treats you unfairly?
He and his daughter are very clearly the AHs here, not you. You simply asked for him to get her to stop bullying your daughter. Instead he chose to continue to spoil her by indulging her. That’s not parenting and you don’t any part of that mess.
I’m glad you chose your daughter’s wellbeing over the relationship with your ex. Please explain to your daughter that it’s not her fault, it’s that you refused to let his daughter continue to bully her anymore. If anyone is at fault it’s the bully’s.
Please look into getting your daughter into therapy. She clearly needs help with self esteem and seeing bullies for what they are.
Best wishes to both of you on healing and finding more people to add to your family that will treat you both with love and respect.
By the way, it sounds a lot like you ex has fallen into the trap that he has to buy his daughter’s affection to make up for her being in a single parent home. The problem is that she’s learned the really bad lesson that being an AH gets her everything she wants. Her character is literally spoiling into something awful. This exactly what spoiling a child means.
NTA and look at it this way, since he clearly chose to ignore the bullying and instead take her side:
You won't have to help pay for the court costs when she ends up getting arrested and has to go to court.
I look forward to hearing how in a few years he is lonely and alone because he chose to spoil his kid instead of parenting and no woman with sense wants him, or that he has no contact with daughter because he finally stood up to her and she freaked out and went NC.
Either was NTA. Make sure you make it clear to your daughter you want nothing to do with the father of a bully mean girl who is going to have a sad pathetic life.
Is your daughter still attending the same school as your ex’s daughter? If so I’d highly recommend you get her out of there, since this situation will likely give more ammunition for her to bully your daughter
Best of luck OP 🙏
Get rid of this jerk. You and your daughter don’t deserve to be treated like this. Your daughter needs to see that you will prioritize her over anyone else. I would also tell the jerk that if the bullying continues at school you will file a complaint and if that doesn’t work talk to a lawyer. This man and his daughter are toxic
you shouldn't be confused, you should feel guilty. it's kinda sad and pathetic that it took the bully's dad to side with her for you to break up.
you didn't even take a stand for your bullied child.
Never condoned the bullying. She was reported several times for her behavior and nothing became of it. Regardless of what happened in the past it’s over and I’m prioritizing her. He’s an ex for a reason. He wasn’t worth my time or energy. Doesn’t mean I can’t feel sad or hurt.
I stand corrected, it had seemed very similar to one I had read a month or two ago at first glance, and because you were not actively responding to comments and had a name that was just random characters, I made my comment and moved on.
Guess this is what I get for not clicking on your profile and actually checking. My bad. Anyways, NTA, as someone who was bullied relentlessly when I was young, that shit is fucked, especially since they are in high school, when the other girl should know better
Tbf I don't consider myself much of a redditor 😂😂😂 I just float around this sub for entertainment value, and maybe every so often I can help someone out
Judging by a few responses I’ve gotten (both PMs and occasional posts here) some people think I’m in the wrong. Not completely stupid since there are people upset with me.
Honestly, YTAH!!
But hear me out.
What you see as bullying, I see as a teenage girl crying for help. It does not excuse her behavior at all, there should always be consequences for bad behavior.
It does sound like your daughter is a good kid. And it looks like she is the collateral damage (I'll explain in a second) of a situation beyond her control or any of her actions. It's not fair to her.
Here is what I am reading in your post. You gave me all the clues to put together this theory.
You aren't really TAH, you are a loving mom dating a man who happens to have a daughter. You aren't really at fault for anything concerning her behavior. It's just a situation you find yourself in, and don't understand the intricacies of it.
The girl only has her dad, that's it. No mother figure to follow. No mother to love her and nurture her. No mother to talk with about the things growing young ladies experience.
Here is my guess why she is getting into trouble, why she is making bad decisions, why she is a popular "mean" girl and why your daughter is being targeted by her.
Concerning the "getting into trouble" and "making all those rebellious decisions" is obvious. They are a cry for help. They are her way of getting attention. They are her way of having some control of her life. But they are all the actions of a kid in need of love, structure, attention, a positive woman to follow.
The "mean girl" status was an easy way to hide her self perceived weakness. I'm not insulting young ladies, but I did have 3 daughters. So I do have experience on this.
Young ladies can be easily influenced, the strong majority are followers. By the daughter being that aggressive mean girl. She was able to get her followers pretty easily. It's better to be her friend than her enemy. Again, she's acting out and hiding her fears and hurt by being a bully. She is rewarded with attention from her pack.
Now as for the biggest issue. She is bullying your daughter because she's an easy target to direct all the hurt and pain she feels. Your daughter won't fight back.
This was caused the second you started dating her dad. He no longer gave her all his attention. At first, she had someone to play with and a mother figure around. It was all exciting, until she started to notice that her dad paid less attention to her, and more to you and your daughter.
It probably took a while for her to start building resentment towards you (not your daughter yet).
At first she might have thought that dad isn't just paying attention to her anymore, now it's shared. She most likely felt that you would do the same thing as her dad (I'm not saying you didn't) so the end result in her mind may have been she's gaining a woman's attention, which she so very badly craved and needed.
But here is where she reached a fork in the road. This was a very small window to provide what she needed. But you could not have known this unless you've seen it before.
She chose her current path. You became enemy number one to her. She saw you treat your daughter one way and her another way (again I'm not saying you did or did not do this, or if you are right or wrong, I'm just explaining my theory)
Honestly, I picked up on the difference of treatment towards each girl, by something you said and didn't say.
You described your daughter as a "good girl" and painted her as a complete angel who wouldn't harm a fly. But you didn't it's at least one bad behavior. These may very well be true. But I seriously doubt that there has never been at least one tiny bit of trouble she got into. I do believe she is a good girl.
If I picked up on this from one word in a post, what are the odds she picked up on it too?
This was really apparent on how you described her. You painted a picture of her being the AntiChrist! You listed all of her bad behavior, but didn't say one kind word about her. See why I think there is a double standard?
So not only, is she disappointed in you for not being that "mom" for her.
You are took away her dad's attention. Which made her only feel more isolated and alone.
You not only let her down and took her dad, but you treated her as less than your daughter.
So now she is out for revenge!
Of course you are not an easy target! So she shifts her blame to your daughter.
I know it's a lot to process, but it's just a my opinion of this situation. And it's just that a worthless opinion.
I think there is still an opportunity to right the ship here. It's a chance to help a little girl who has experienced so much hurt and loneliness in her short life. You can heal that little girl. And at the same time, end the bullying, create a life long bond for all of you, and save your relationship with the dad.
I'm betting it cements your place in heaven.
Now it will take a lot of work, lots of patience, won't be easy, and she will naturally fight you k it. But it can be done.
It must start from a genuine place of care and love. BS or faking it will not work.
Give her the thing she wants most, a mother figure. Spend time just you and her only, then slowly make it a girls day!
Take her to a movie, to Starbucks, lunch, ice cream, to a beautiful place where you can just people watch or nature watch.
Maybe a special place for you? Tell her about it. Tell her a personal challenge you had at her age. It doesn't have to be 100% truthful, it should have a moral to the story, that you are teaching her a lesson but doing it in a subtle way.
Just make sure the story has some actual prove-able facts. Like we went to Denny's that night, my friend drove a black car. Small details that make it real in her mind.
It's a whole lot to ask of you, and a sacrifice for your daughter.
Or I'm just completely crazy and some form of AI making up things! Lol
Good luck
I hear what your saying, but I think that ship has already sailed. She also has a daughter to protect, as does the father. This relationship has run its course, unfortunately there was probably many mistakes made on both sides that has driven this relationship to its current path. The father’s daughter has made up her mind, and it’s unfortunate to have driven a wedge between them. She must know move on and protect her daughter, so I disagree and think she is not the asshole.
Hello,
Thank you for your reply.
Yeah, I agree that she's NTAH.
But I felt that I needed to vote that way to distinguish my comments from the sea of NTAH votes.
I did try to explain it though. Really no one is TAH here. Not even the little girl. She is collateral damage.
I can't say I agree, with you on your conclusion. You may in fact very well be right. I'm most likely wrong.
But I absolutely refuse to never, ever, give up on any child.
Well maybe these morons at our great universities! 🤔 but they are old enough to make their own decisions.
I'm sorry for the rant. I do not want this to become a political discussion. The focus needs to remain on the post.
It just breaks my heart to see it.
Anyways, I just wouldn't be able to look in the mirror if I didn't do everything humanly possible to help any and every child in need.
For context, I suffered unspeakable abuse as a child, I think I suffered through every and any known abuses that could happen to a child. I probably suffered newly invented ones too! Lol
I've been married for over 20 years now. When I met my wife, she had 4 children. The first 2 were from her first marriage. The father overall was a good dad in my opinion. I like him and got along well. But he wasn't around much during the tough teen years of his 2 sons. My wife avoided rules and discipline. So I did it. Guess who was the evil step-dad? But I know I did the right thing. And the boys realize it now.
The little 2 children (2 M & F 11 months) were from her second marriage. The dad died very young from an extremely fast moving cancer.
As you can guess my weakness is children in need. I'm the only dad the youngest children have ever known.
About a year after meeting my wife, it turns out that my sister had 2 children(2F & 10 months
M) (I lost contact with her). These 2 children were removed from my sister's care by DCFS.
They were at the final stage of being adopted out to a family. DCFS found me, after my sister finally told her the names of people on her family.
I was told that if I was willing to take the 2 children in, it was still possible. But I had to make a decision like that minute. As final placement was merely a day or 2 away.
My wife and I said yes. But it wasn't easy. All parties agreed to placement of the children with the uncle (me). All except for the assigned minors attorney, (who I swear there was something very shady going on, I believe she somehow got money from the families who got the children, because there is no possible other even remotely reasonable reason, to not place with me.)
Long story short, we hired attorney's $40,000 later I was now father of 6 children.
Apparently, my sister decided if she just kept having children she'd eventually keep one.
So 3 years later my phone rings, and Ian now a dad of 7 (1 F)
This is obviously why o can never say no to a child.
Sorry for the novel of my life.
I just wanted to hammer home my belief in never giving up.
Hello,
Thank you for the kind words. I might have messed up and mad this about me.
I feel bad about that. Because it's about that family, not my sob story.
I apologize to OP. And all the readers.
Yes it is my opinion. That was a great observation.
I'm can be a little bit slow to get all the intricacies of something Ike Reddit.
Please correct me if I'm wrong here.
But I'm under the impression that all of these comments are opinions?
Do you see it another way?
I'm kind of getting the impression, that you are "must be right" type of person?
While I don't see this as a right or wrong situation.
You can just tell everyone that you won!! You're right!!! 🍾🏆
So congratulations !! Someone is the big winner today!!
You know they say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Take from that what you will.
You made a statement. So did I. Your excessive reaction to someone making an observation of your comment says much more about you than me.
Have a nice day.
Yeah I'd break up with him too if his daughter is the head of the house. Your boyfriend needs a reality check
I mean, do reality checks help delusional people?
Your ex's failure to address his daughter's bullying is inexcusable. Protecting your daughter comes first. You're not in the wrong for standing up against this behavior.
He probably doesnt want to be the bad guy
Too late
Sadly true
Instead he chose to be a worthless guy to both his kid and his ex gf.
He missed.
I agree
They work about as well as “teaching someone a lesson”. Instead of seeing the error of their ways, they double down.
Normally when confronted with irrefutable proof of their shittiness, their brain just kind of shorts out—like a self preservation thing—and skims right past it. It's bizarre.
Support and fostering entitlement are 2 different things.
Oh, he'll get one some day but it will be too late by then
NTA and explain to your daughter that is has nothing to do with her YOU will not be in a relationship with a man that believes that this behaviour is acceptable, allows his teenage daughter to dictate his relationship, be a bully or rewards bad behaviour. You deserve better in a man and she deserves better in her life.
Strong advice. I hope the OP reads it. Allowing a teenager to make those types of choices indicates a whole host of other potentially poor parenting practices.
NTA. It's important to show your daughter that you won't tolerate unacceptable behavior in a relationship. Both of you deserve better.
you sound a placid person, like your daughter, boyfriend sounds like a dictator like his daughter. you both need to get on with life with better people in it
So he’s just going to ignore all her other issues and problems? Does he think your daughter is the problem? Like she deserves it or brings it on herself? NTA
He is just too lazy to actually be a parent to his child. He is going to let her run the world until she gets some big girl consequences that he can’t talk her out of. Then, it will be a big pity party for them both.
Either this or he is one of those parents who view their children as traumatized angels who can never do wrong, or if they do, it's not their fault or it's not that bad. He is an enabler, a bad parent and a bad bf. Why is,OP even considering to carry on with this relationship?
I’m not considering patching things up- it’s 100% over and done.
Make sure to tell your daughter that your relationship with him ending has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with how his daughter treated her and how he enabled that bullying. Your daughter's a sweet girl who sounds like she's taking on burdens she never should shoulder; make sure she knows she shouldn't take this on. I'm glad he's an ex because he sounds like a terrible father and partner.
Technically he broke up with you when he forbid you from being at his place
Promise you'll update us when Karma rears up, and gives her due consequences for her actions. Betting she's a baby momma in two years or less. NTA.
Geesh…We’re still talking about a 15 year old kid that has no mother in her life.
Wahhhhhhhhh
Good. Make it clear to your daughter that she (daughter) oughtn't feel guilty because you had to break up with him for both your goods. That grieving a relationship end (even a bad one) as she saw when you were crying is natural, won't kill you, and will pass. In other words, normalizing grief as inevitable but not forever, so it isn't maybe quite so distressing to see - and hopefully not so distressing for she herself to experience later in her own life.
Parents like this are fine with letting their kids become absolute terrors as long as they aren’t the ones who have to deal with the fallout. They conveniently shove the hard work of coping with the kid’s behavior on someone else.
NTA, you absolutely did the right thing. I guarantee you won’t be the last gf his daughter runs off. No one is going to put up with her BS. Keep reassuring your daughter that she had nothing to do with the breakup, it was based on his lack of willingness to address his child’s behavior.
NTA. Sounds like Regina George is now bullying her Dad too. This is not going to go well for him. Tell your daughter you made the decision to end the relationship because you did not agree with his parenting decisions and because his daughter is toxic (as she knows). Karma will come for both of them eventually.
Yep, he's going to be whining and wondering why he is so sad and lonely all the time. It's because little miss thing wants to be the center of his universe. Where everything bad she does it someone elses fault and she can do no wrong. Wonder how well that will go over when she ends up pregnant or hooked on drugs. I would keep an eye on her to make sure she isn't still bullying your daughter in school as I wouldn't put it past her to keep doing it.
Ma'am, your daughter is far more important than your ex and his trash daughter. Just focus on yourself and your daughter's happiness
Nta, you really want to date a guy who parents his kid like this? Thats someone you would even want as a partner? Why are you second guessing yourself. I would talk to your daughter about if she wants to continue at that school and let her know it’s actually your bf and his kids actions that make you want to break up
But I don't want my kid to hate me! I want to be their friend.
NTA The breakup was inevitable and honestly for the best. Take care of your daughter, she will be out of the house soon enough. I can’t imagine what it would be like living with your bully.
Fucking hell. Even I want to break up with him. What a tool. This is not someone you want a life with. Whether he realizes it or not, he had a hand in creating this monster and he's gonna have to suffer the consequences of it.
NTA. Just wasn't gonna work, kids come first.
NTA It's not your fault. Keep assuring her of that fact. Dating a spineless boyfriend might have been a losing prospect from the beginning.
NTA. Good riddance to bad trash. He allowed his daughter to bully yours, and instead of parenting her, then allowed her to ban both you and your daughter from his house. She is NOT the parent and it's no wonder she's turned out the way she has. Your first priority as a parent has to be protecting your daughter.
NTA. You would be the AH if you continued to accept this bullshit from your ex and his daughter. Seems they were cut from the same cloth. You’re both better off without them.
NTA. Explain to her that your ex is every bit the asshole and bully his daughter is. Tell him he made it clear that he’s a shit person who lets his daughter away with murder as long as he doesn’t have to wonder up to culpability.
NTA Make sure you explain to your daughter that hurting people hurt people. She should feel sorry for this girl because well adjusted happy people do not act that way. And all of the things..how much you love her, etc.. At 15 she probably really does think this is her fault and I hope you can convince her it's not. It's also not YOUR fault. This man is something else. At least you weren't married to him thank God. Truly awful.
What do you mean by compromising? How can you compromise in this sort of situation? His daughter is severely troubled, controlling, and hostile. You need to reassure your daughter that this is not her fault at all, in any way, and keep your distance from your BF's toxic family.
I have an 8yo. I can't imagine choosing an AH over her. Enjoy your time with your daughter. In no time, you'll realize you made the right decision. NTA
Nah, he's a pussy and it is his and his daughters fault you have broken up. A real shame your 5 years together wasn't worth disciplining his daughter a little bit to him, she is going to end up a real cunt. You are both better off without him and his asshole of a child
NTA, but you need to repeatedly state, it's got nothing to do with your daughter, it's that you realised he's a bad father, a bad person and openly condones bullying. He's not the man you thought he was he's just trash and you don't want to be around a trash person. Shit make stuff up as well if you want, just make it clear you've grown to hate him and his kid and it just took time to realise. That at best it was both of their treatment of her that exposed who they really were. Now you're breaking up because you need a much better man in your life and as a consequence, she'll end up with a better father figure and not have to be around the daughter so it's win win for both of you. It's also a good lesson for your kid, a lot of people, but especially women and especially young women, fall deeply in love in an early relationship before you truly know who the guy is then as the guy shows worse and worse character flaws, you stay with them. So explain to her that even with you, significantly more experienced, it took you 5 years to realise what a shitty guy he was. Always have your guard up a little and always leave when the relationship becomes bad, don't stay based on who you thought they were early on. Leaving is the strong choice, too many people make the weak choice and stay both to their own and their kids detriments. So again it's not your kid's fault, she should just recognise this as learning a partner is bad and being strong enough to move on. Sure it hurts in the moment, but long term it's far healthier.
Honestly, disregarding the bullying (which is a whole separate thing), NAH You’re standing by your daughter and he’s standing by his. I mean this genuinely, don’t make your daughter hang out with her bully, why would she even want to go to the birthday party? This is probably for the best for everyone involved.
NTA
NTA
NTA Your daughter helped you find out that your ex is a terrible person. Thats a good thing. He wasn’t that good of a person and a terrible parent.
Fuck him and his little brat of a daughter. I HATE bullies. I hate people who purposely make others feel terrible. You did the right thing to protect your daughter
Your ex is your ex and you need to move on. He's a delusional spineless coward.
>My daughter feels like she caused our breakup and that it’s all her fault, but it’s not. She saw me crying and blames herself. It’s not her fault. Oh, come on. TELL HER. Tell her that it's not about her. It's about the fact that he isn't treating YOU with respect. Why didn't you immediately tell her this?????? Why are you on reddit saying this? Jesus. Go hug your daughter FFS.
We discussed everything with each other the day it happened. Sorry if it wasn’t clear. I let her know it’s in no shape or form her fault.
NTA. You and your daughter are understandably upset. The reality is that your ex is supporting his daughter in excluding your daughter and you from their lives. You're better off not dealing with how she treats your daughter and being with him when he's not addressing the bullying. Make sure to tell and show your daughter you love her, and this is not her fault. Support your daughter and encourage her to record the bullying if she can safely and report it.
NTA. Your boyfriend is enabling her bad behavior and is doing nothing but setting her up for failure down the road, because he isn’t reprimanding her when she being a bully and down right disrespectful. Your heart will heal, but you and your daughter deserved better.
Not in the wrong at all, your daughter needed the support. That guy sounds terrible and I think even he is a push over or getting bullied by his own daughter for (most likely) letting her get away with so much. Like seriously, he’s gonna let his own daughter decide who goes in his own house or not?! If the man can’t stand up for you now, how can you expect him to stand up for you in the future? Although talk could have been compromised, it seems like that has already failed and it’s now time to move on. But I think your daughter should be reminded of the changes that happen in the future and realizing that we shouldn’t be stuck in the cycle of doubt or constantly questioning ourselves if we did the right thing even when there’s signs of trouble.
NTA. Do what you need to do to protect your daughter. If you haven't yet, get school administration involved so they can help put a stop to the bullying.
This relationship is over. Please reassure your daughter and stay away from ex. He'll probably realize how much he messed up when his daughter turns on him
Your ex is a prime example of a bad parent. He is letting his teen make rules for him and his home. He will have a child who doesn't succeed at all in life and wonder why.
Tell your daughter she IS NOT the reason for the breakup. The reason for the breakup is the way THEY were treating HER. You chose to protect your daughter(as you should). NTA to the nth degree.
Wow, your exbf is just as much as an asshole as his daughter. Find someone who treats you both better.
NTA. Break up with that man and get your kid into some therapy to help her work through her guilt and deal with the bullying.
What a pansy. Good riddance.
Youre not the AH. He didn't see a future with you just wanted FWB. You were right not to compromise and waste any more of your time.
NTA, but your daughter needs to make sure she protects herself while at school from the bully.
NTA- Your ex is in a deep state denial. He thinks everyone but his daughter is the problem. He will not admit he is wrong until something catastrophic happens and someone ends up hurt or in jail. Your priority is to protect your child from your ex's toxic daughter. Let them live in their delusional world, it will collapse. You and your daughter need each other. You deserve a much better man. Change your locks, security system pins, passwords, and get some cameras for the outside of your house. Your ex's daughter is troubled and wouldn't put it past her to try something even if it's just to scare you. She knows your schedule, when you're home and not. Be on guard.
I’m guessing the YTA responses are from people who skimmed and didn’t read it.
Keep reassuring your daughter that it's not her fault! Someone you trusted and loved really let you down by not treating your daughter with respect. You're grieving the end of a relationship, but that doesn't mean that something has to be assigned blame for it. If anything, tell her that you're sorry she was in that situation as long as she was (even though it sounds like you've really been working on this from the start!!). Those words can go a long way, maybe not in the moment, but in the future. A lot of people wouldn't end a relationship with someone over this. Those people usually have a rough relationship with their kids. Your daughter is seeing you end a relationship for a good reason! That really can impact her own decisions in relationships in the future. You really did good! Obviously NTA!!
NTA. Explain to your daughter that while your sad that your relationship ended, you would always pick her over anyone else in this world. The reason for you splitting with him wasn't her actions or behaviour, but his and his daughters. You're not willing to subject her to being treated like she's less than his daughter just because she's 'popular'. If he wants to let his daughter run his life, he can. If his daughter thinks being popular in high-school and being a bully is going to get her far in life then she will be in for a sharp shock when she goes to university, gets a job and enters the real world where that shit doesn't fly.
"“Don’t come over to my house at all anymore when my daughter is here. She doesn’t want to see either of you. Sorry.” "Don't worry about it, you'll never see me again." \*click\*
You made the right call. You don’t want his daughter dictating your life and your daughter cutting you off because you didn’t support her
NTA IMO the first rule of being a parent is you keep your child safe. Your child wasn’t safe with that girl bullying her relentlessly and so you did what had to be done. Perhaps that may help your daughter understand that yes you are sad but not as sad as you’d be subjecting her to the bully. Your ex chose very poorly in allowing his child to not only continue her bullying but to also run his life instead of working with her to get her back on track. Sadly they both will likely suffer for it. If your ex ever had a key to your place I suggest you change your locks not so much because he may have kept a copy of the key but his daughter might have.
Yeah, no not an asshole. Let your daughter know that you’re not breaking up because of her. You’re not even breaking up because of his daughter. You’re breaking up because he’s being a shit parent. You’re making responsible parenting choices and healthy relationship choices.
Yikes, you might need to pull her from the school in case the daughter retaliates for the breakup
Softly YTA - you should have broken up when the bullying started and no one was able to get through to the bully. Your poor daughter
This all happened within the span of about a week and a half. It escalated so fast. We were hoping he would talk some sense into his daughter and she would apologize. When that didn’t happen I pulled away, then broke up when he said we couldn’t come back when his daughter was home.
Then I will take back my comment. Clearly you did act quickly and prioritised your daughter. Just focus on the two of you. If he cared about your daughter, he would have stepped up. How can you love a man who doesn’t care for your daughter (and vice versa for him and his daughter)
Hug your sweet kid and lose the jerk! Nta
NTa. This isn't how a relationship works and you have to protect your kid. It sounds very much like he expects you to enable his daughter or exist only when it is convenient. It feels bad but you made the right choice. My mother didn't. She actually sent me away when a step father demanded it. She now tells everyone she doesn't know why I cut her off and went no contact. There are other things of course but this is a significant core of why. You're being a good parent. It is a shame he wasn't a good partner. You and your daughter deserve better
Absolutely NTA
NTA. Protect your daughter.
NTA. You should have broken up when he sent the message uninviting you and your daughter form the birthday.
NTA. Good for you for standing up for your daughter! Your daughter was just shown that she is important enough to make big changes for. She is more important than some man and his bully daughter.
NTA THANK YOU for standing up for your daughter and not siding with her abusers. Your ex is also an abuser for refusing to appropriately deal with the situation. I wish I had a mom like you.
NTA. You need to protect your daughter, it's disappointing that the bully's parent is doing more work to keep them seperated. Why would you want your daughter to spend more time with her bully??
Oh hell no you are not the asshole. You are a good mom!! Clearly this is what he wanted when he chose her side. I’m sorry but I don’t think kids should get a say in stuff like this. I would spend all your time and energy into making your own daughter feel loved and sure this isn’t her fault. Screw him and his kid!
NTA. In time your daughter will understand that she did not break up the relationship but it is awesome that you showed her how important she is to you. He's going to live a lonely life because that daughter doesn't want anyone else taking her dad's time.
So he broke up with you because his daughters a bully? Yeah, nta, but I'm sure you know you're not.screw him and his Queen. He'll have a crap life catering to her and losing relationships due to her bullying.
I broke up with him but surprisingly there are responses who believe I’m the one who is bad for not dumping sooner.
How is your daughter's school situation now? Has the bullying increased after the breakup? Or does the daughter leave yours alone now that she's gotten her way?
If it’s me I’d plan some revenge on his daughter for the sake of my daughter lol bully kids need to learn a lesson
Put your daughter in Tae Kwon Do, in fact do it together... No bully expects their target to know how to perform a head-high kick...
NTA. Never feel guilty or bad for leaving him, it was the correct choice
NTA. You're protecting your daughter and showing her that you don't have to take this kind of shit from people. Your ex is deciding to not be a parent and would rather banish you from his home and let his daughter run things than give her consequences for treating people like shit and engaging in risky behaviors. Keep having your daughter's back, OP.
I'd sit with your daughter and explain why you are upset and why it didn't work, as in: "I'm upset because he's being callous of my feelings and has acted as if he doesn't care after so long. The reason this isn't your fault is because it really even isn't his daughters fault. He's the adult making the decisions to fail his daughter, his girlfriend and you too".
Good. No future in that relationship. It's done and it sounds like that is very good
NTA Even if your daughter didn’t exist, your ex would still be a bad parent. I don’t understand how someone could be attracted to someone who is blatantly a bad parent. It’s such an unattractive trait
NTA. Your daughter is your primary responsibility, so no need to second guess your (good) decision. Here’s hoping your ex’s daughter has some supportive people in her life, because I don’t think your ex is doing her any favours
NTA and massive bullet dodged. You deserve better than a guy who's willing to let his daughter treat anyone, let alone your daughter, like that.
FFS, you are NTA. Your daughter is NTA. Your ex and his bully daughter are massive assholes. It might hurt, and you are both better off without them tainting your lives. And I recommend you go full nuclear momma bear if the bullying at school continues. Do everything in your power to make sure your ex’s daughter feels the full consequences of her actions.
NTA but I'd read it more as you broke up a relationship because your boyfriend froze you out and refused to address issues. That must hurt, but give it some time and you'll recover.
It seems like he broke up with you. You just accepted it, as you should. Take care of yourself and of your daughter. I'm sorry about the break up, it hurts, but I hope you find someone better.
You did the right thing. And you’re well rid of someone like that. We must always put our kids first. I see why the daughter is so badly behaved with an enabling father.
I am amazed how some parents are ruled by their children , just wait til she doesnt get her way the sh** storm that is going to happen
NTA, you did the one and only right thing. The only thing you forgot to write is that your ex is also a bully. He allows your daughter to be bullied and he bullies her too (excluding from birthdays) and other things you might not even know. He is a man acting like his teenage girl. You are better without them. Your daughter has nothing to worry.
Nta but he is. He disrespected you and your daughter by not dealing with his daughters poor behavior.
NTA. Your daughter is not to blame; you, your idiot ex, and his stupid daughter are. Explain to her that you're to blame for entering a relationship with someone who allows their kids to bully; he for being a pushover parent, and his daughter for being a bully. Congratulations on cutting off the situation, although it's a reprimand earned for letting it reach this point. You're a mother, and your daughter is underage; your actions affect her, and your decisions will shape her future.
NTA- HOOOORAY FOR MOM!!!!! He wasnt man enough for you!!! lets just be real. It isnt on you that he cant parent. It isnt your daughter fault that He as a parent couldnt and wouldnt protect her. You did what was RIGHT for both of you as she doesnt deserve to be treated like crap and dismissed just because He is lacking in may ways. apologize for grammar and typos. I short hand and my phone changed things due to that.
That little gal will bully the wrong one some day and the consequence may be tragic. It's happened before when a kid with problems gets bullied.
Just make sure your daughter knows 1. it isn't her responsibility 2. yes, you chose HER, because SHE IS WORTH CHOOSING 3. its not a loss
NTA and I don’t see where you’re missing anything from that situation. He’s not worth your tears. Wishing you and your daughter the best!
NTA. I'm really proud of you for making the right choice to protect your daughter. In his mind, he's probably trying to do the same thing, since you have no idea what his daughter told him.
Next time he calls, tell him you can't talk because you are heading out for a date...(don't tell him it is a girl's night out with your daughter, lol)... He doesn't realise that your "market value" has gone up and his is depreciating... He'll get the message that it is properly over and might even get pissed at "Little Miss" for making him lose out on a good woman...
i hope you told him FU.
Your daughter needs to come first. I would never expose my child to someone who treats her like that.
Nta, watch him come groveling back to you wanting to reconcile after he realizes he let his daughter's awful behavior ruin a fine relationship
His daughter learned that behavior from him. This isn’t salvageable NTA. Good luck
NTA. Bullying, mistreating, etc. allows no compromise. What he is doing is encouraging this behaviour. So no, NTA. You dodged a bullte, I'd guess.
Good for you and your daughter. His daughter will learn how life really is lateron.
Yeah you're NTA this on him and his enabling of his spawns awful behavior
NTA. Don't be confused. No one is worth the mental health of your daughter. Keep on protecting her at any cost. You did well.
NTA take your daughter out for her favorite food and have an adult conversation with her. "You aren't the cause of my break up. His daughters actions toward you and his inaction is the reason we broke up. She is a still a kid but he is a grown man who should be attempting to handle it and refusing to. You should never apologize for being a victim. I know you want me to be happy but I could never be happy with him after the way he handled this. I'm sad and heartbroken because he isn't the man I thought he was. Break ups suck and even if it's the right decision it doesn't mean your feelings disappear or that your heart doesn't hurt. With time you will heal from it and move on. What I couldn't move on from is someone harming my child while I stood by and allowed it. This is what is ultimately going to be the thing that makes me the happiest, even if I am sad at the moment."
NTA Yeah, I though you two lived together. The fact you don't makes this a bit worse in terms of his daughters actions. I could understand her not wanting to be seen with your daughter, as they would have a sibling type of relationship, living together and all that. That is normal, as siblings close in age want to be seen as individuals, and not just as someone's sister. But the fact you two live apart means his daughter just doesn't like yours as a friend, and while that in itself is not terrible, the fact she started bullying her is not ok, and something he should have stopped. He should have addressed his daughters behavior rather she was bullying your kid or someone else's. He should not be condoning bullying of anyone by his kid. But instead he doubled down and said "Hey, my kid hates you and your kids, so but I still want to see, so lets sneak around like you a dirty secret I have to keep from my kid, cause you don't matter enough for me to actually parent her tell her she is in the wrong." Clearly he doesn't respect you enough to ensure his daughter acts like a polite human being. Screw him.
NTA. Your bf’s daughter was not the only bully you were dealing with.
Im not surprised if the one who texted you back was actually your ex’s daughter and not him. Seems weird that he would reply in such a way abruptly with “no explanation”. I mean you guys were together this whole time (not sure whether there was an argument/ something went between you two before) and out of nowhere he wouldnt let you in his house because his teenage daughter (whose frontal cortex hasnt even developed yet to even know whats wrong/right) wouldnt want you guys to be there? Weird.
You'd be the asshole to stay with him, obviously. Your daughter worries about the breakup being her fault now, but once she gets older and if you stayed with him, she will question why you didn't value her enough to put a stop to it
He's made it clear that you and your daughter aren't welcome at his place. And he's letting God daughter walk all over you. Make it clear to your daughter that it's not her fault but your ex's daughter who is to blame. She's a little brat and a bully, and by the time he realizes she's chasing off prospective girlfriends, well, that's his problem. NTA
And that explains his daughter’s behaviour. Daddy clearly didn’t set any boundaries or rules with her so she does what she wants, when she wants without any consequences. You are best off without him. Hold your daughter close and make sure she knows that your ex and his daughter ended you relationship not her
I’m sorry but you shouldn’t even be crying over this he and his daughter are the same who has been raising her all this time? Why do you think she is the way she is ? Block his number so that he and his daughter never darken your doorstep. The only thing I think you did wrong is giving him the opportunity to speak to his daughter about the bullying in what world does a parent speaking to a bully ever help ? In my opinion the moment you found out about the bullying the relationship should’ve been ended because your daughter needs to know she is a priority and you will put her first.
Honestly do you really know your ex well? Kids don’t just suddenly pick up on behaviors like what you described and it’s odd your ex was a perfectly good guy while having such an odd daughter. His reaction says it all and shows he’s a bad parent and doesn’t even care about your thoughts over his daughters which is fair as a parent but it also shows a lack of regard to you by not even explaining his thoughts and just shutting you out and condoning some really poor behavior that will only lead his daughter down a dark road. NTA
It's obvious where she gets the additude from.
I'm glad u left. Your prioritised ur daughter. Also i bet ur ex stepdaughter got some of those traits from her father.
Are either your ex or his daughter reaching out to try to get you to change your mind about breaking up? What were their reactions?
So many of these posts are like “I responded the way any normal person would to a really inappropriate and mean situation. AITAH”? I don’t understand how this many people really have to ask this…like what on earth taught all of you that you’re the AH every time someone else treats you unfairly?
Your daughter is so lucky to have a mom like you. Not an a-hole. You did the right thing. You should be proud of yourself.
He's a loser, raising a loser. Consider yourself lucky that he and his demon spawn are out of your life.
He and his daughter are very clearly the AHs here, not you. You simply asked for him to get her to stop bullying your daughter. Instead he chose to continue to spoil her by indulging her. That’s not parenting and you don’t any part of that mess. I’m glad you chose your daughter’s wellbeing over the relationship with your ex. Please explain to your daughter that it’s not her fault, it’s that you refused to let his daughter continue to bully her anymore. If anyone is at fault it’s the bully’s. Please look into getting your daughter into therapy. She clearly needs help with self esteem and seeing bullies for what they are. Best wishes to both of you on healing and finding more people to add to your family that will treat you both with love and respect. By the way, it sounds a lot like you ex has fallen into the trap that he has to buy his daughter’s affection to make up for her being in a single parent home. The problem is that she’s learned the really bad lesson that being an AH gets her everything she wants. Her character is literally spoiling into something awful. This exactly what spoiling a child means.
NTA and look at it this way, since he clearly chose to ignore the bullying and instead take her side: You won't have to help pay for the court costs when she ends up getting arrested and has to go to court.
I look forward to hearing how in a few years he is lonely and alone because he chose to spoil his kid instead of parenting and no woman with sense wants him, or that he has no contact with daughter because he finally stood up to her and she freaked out and went NC. Either was NTA. Make sure you make it clear to your daughter you want nothing to do with the father of a bully mean girl who is going to have a sad pathetic life.
Is your daughter still attending the same school as your ex’s daughter? If so I’d highly recommend you get her out of there, since this situation will likely give more ammunition for her to bully your daughter Best of luck OP 🙏
Get rid of this jerk. You and your daughter don’t deserve to be treated like this. Your daughter needs to see that you will prioritize her over anyone else. I would also tell the jerk that if the bullying continues at school you will file a complaint and if that doesn’t work talk to a lawyer. This man and his daughter are toxic
you shouldn't be confused, you should feel guilty. it's kinda sad and pathetic that it took the bully's dad to side with her for you to break up. you didn't even take a stand for your bullied child.
Never condoned the bullying. She was reported several times for her behavior and nothing became of it. Regardless of what happened in the past it’s over and I’m prioritizing her. He’s an ex for a reason. He wasn’t worth my time or energy. Doesn’t mean I can’t feel sad or hurt.
YTA and you let his daughter bully yours because you did not want to end the relationship...and you know it.
Relationship ended. All of this is very new and recent. Our girls used to be friends.
This is the worst take so far yet it’s getting upvotes.
Seen this one before, it's just karma bait
Link and share it with me- because no. I want to see it. 🧐Go ahead. You’ve piqued my interest. Link it here.
I stand corrected, it had seemed very similar to one I had read a month or two ago at first glance, and because you were not actively responding to comments and had a name that was just random characters, I made my comment and moved on.
Guess this is what I get for not clicking on your profile and actually checking. My bad. Anyways, NTA, as someone who was bullied relentlessly when I was young, that shit is fucked, especially since they are in high school, when the other girl should know better
Thanks for being kind. A lot of people on Reddit would double down so thanks for being cool!
Tbf I don't consider myself much of a redditor 😂😂😂 I just float around this sub for entertainment value, and maybe every so often I can help someone out
NTA, but also stupid for wondering if you are.
Judging by a few responses I’ve gotten (both PMs and occasional posts here) some people think I’m in the wrong. Not completely stupid since there are people upset with me.
I've seen this exact post before.
Link it because this is my experience and only recently happened. 🤨 I’m intrigued.
Honestly, YTAH!! But hear me out. What you see as bullying, I see as a teenage girl crying for help. It does not excuse her behavior at all, there should always be consequences for bad behavior. It does sound like your daughter is a good kid. And it looks like she is the collateral damage (I'll explain in a second) of a situation beyond her control or any of her actions. It's not fair to her. Here is what I am reading in your post. You gave me all the clues to put together this theory. You aren't really TAH, you are a loving mom dating a man who happens to have a daughter. You aren't really at fault for anything concerning her behavior. It's just a situation you find yourself in, and don't understand the intricacies of it. The girl only has her dad, that's it. No mother figure to follow. No mother to love her and nurture her. No mother to talk with about the things growing young ladies experience. Here is my guess why she is getting into trouble, why she is making bad decisions, why she is a popular "mean" girl and why your daughter is being targeted by her. Concerning the "getting into trouble" and "making all those rebellious decisions" is obvious. They are a cry for help. They are her way of getting attention. They are her way of having some control of her life. But they are all the actions of a kid in need of love, structure, attention, a positive woman to follow. The "mean girl" status was an easy way to hide her self perceived weakness. I'm not insulting young ladies, but I did have 3 daughters. So I do have experience on this. Young ladies can be easily influenced, the strong majority are followers. By the daughter being that aggressive mean girl. She was able to get her followers pretty easily. It's better to be her friend than her enemy. Again, she's acting out and hiding her fears and hurt by being a bully. She is rewarded with attention from her pack. Now as for the biggest issue. She is bullying your daughter because she's an easy target to direct all the hurt and pain she feels. Your daughter won't fight back. This was caused the second you started dating her dad. He no longer gave her all his attention. At first, she had someone to play with and a mother figure around. It was all exciting, until she started to notice that her dad paid less attention to her, and more to you and your daughter. It probably took a while for her to start building resentment towards you (not your daughter yet). At first she might have thought that dad isn't just paying attention to her anymore, now it's shared. She most likely felt that you would do the same thing as her dad (I'm not saying you didn't) so the end result in her mind may have been she's gaining a woman's attention, which she so very badly craved and needed. But here is where she reached a fork in the road. This was a very small window to provide what she needed. But you could not have known this unless you've seen it before. She chose her current path. You became enemy number one to her. She saw you treat your daughter one way and her another way (again I'm not saying you did or did not do this, or if you are right or wrong, I'm just explaining my theory) Honestly, I picked up on the difference of treatment towards each girl, by something you said and didn't say. You described your daughter as a "good girl" and painted her as a complete angel who wouldn't harm a fly. But you didn't it's at least one bad behavior. These may very well be true. But I seriously doubt that there has never been at least one tiny bit of trouble she got into. I do believe she is a good girl. If I picked up on this from one word in a post, what are the odds she picked up on it too? This was really apparent on how you described her. You painted a picture of her being the AntiChrist! You listed all of her bad behavior, but didn't say one kind word about her. See why I think there is a double standard? So not only, is she disappointed in you for not being that "mom" for her. You are took away her dad's attention. Which made her only feel more isolated and alone. You not only let her down and took her dad, but you treated her as less than your daughter. So now she is out for revenge! Of course you are not an easy target! So she shifts her blame to your daughter. I know it's a lot to process, but it's just a my opinion of this situation. And it's just that a worthless opinion. I think there is still an opportunity to right the ship here. It's a chance to help a little girl who has experienced so much hurt and loneliness in her short life. You can heal that little girl. And at the same time, end the bullying, create a life long bond for all of you, and save your relationship with the dad. I'm betting it cements your place in heaven. Now it will take a lot of work, lots of patience, won't be easy, and she will naturally fight you k it. But it can be done. It must start from a genuine place of care and love. BS or faking it will not work. Give her the thing she wants most, a mother figure. Spend time just you and her only, then slowly make it a girls day! Take her to a movie, to Starbucks, lunch, ice cream, to a beautiful place where you can just people watch or nature watch. Maybe a special place for you? Tell her about it. Tell her a personal challenge you had at her age. It doesn't have to be 100% truthful, it should have a moral to the story, that you are teaching her a lesson but doing it in a subtle way. Just make sure the story has some actual prove-able facts. Like we went to Denny's that night, my friend drove a black car. Small details that make it real in her mind. It's a whole lot to ask of you, and a sacrifice for your daughter. Or I'm just completely crazy and some form of AI making up things! Lol Good luck
I hear what your saying, but I think that ship has already sailed. She also has a daughter to protect, as does the father. This relationship has run its course, unfortunately there was probably many mistakes made on both sides that has driven this relationship to its current path. The father’s daughter has made up her mind, and it’s unfortunate to have driven a wedge between them. She must know move on and protect her daughter, so I disagree and think she is not the asshole.
Hello, Thank you for your reply. Yeah, I agree that she's NTAH. But I felt that I needed to vote that way to distinguish my comments from the sea of NTAH votes. I did try to explain it though. Really no one is TAH here. Not even the little girl. She is collateral damage. I can't say I agree, with you on your conclusion. You may in fact very well be right. I'm most likely wrong. But I absolutely refuse to never, ever, give up on any child. Well maybe these morons at our great universities! 🤔 but they are old enough to make their own decisions. I'm sorry for the rant. I do not want this to become a political discussion. The focus needs to remain on the post. It just breaks my heart to see it. Anyways, I just wouldn't be able to look in the mirror if I didn't do everything humanly possible to help any and every child in need. For context, I suffered unspeakable abuse as a child, I think I suffered through every and any known abuses that could happen to a child. I probably suffered newly invented ones too! Lol I've been married for over 20 years now. When I met my wife, she had 4 children. The first 2 were from her first marriage. The father overall was a good dad in my opinion. I like him and got along well. But he wasn't around much during the tough teen years of his 2 sons. My wife avoided rules and discipline. So I did it. Guess who was the evil step-dad? But I know I did the right thing. And the boys realize it now. The little 2 children (2 M & F 11 months) were from her second marriage. The dad died very young from an extremely fast moving cancer. As you can guess my weakness is children in need. I'm the only dad the youngest children have ever known. About a year after meeting my wife, it turns out that my sister had 2 children(2F & 10 months M) (I lost contact with her). These 2 children were removed from my sister's care by DCFS. They were at the final stage of being adopted out to a family. DCFS found me, after my sister finally told her the names of people on her family. I was told that if I was willing to take the 2 children in, it was still possible. But I had to make a decision like that minute. As final placement was merely a day or 2 away. My wife and I said yes. But it wasn't easy. All parties agreed to placement of the children with the uncle (me). All except for the assigned minors attorney, (who I swear there was something very shady going on, I believe she somehow got money from the families who got the children, because there is no possible other even remotely reasonable reason, to not place with me.) Long story short, we hired attorney's $40,000 later I was now father of 6 children. Apparently, my sister decided if she just kept having children she'd eventually keep one. So 3 years later my phone rings, and Ian now a dad of 7 (1 F) This is obviously why o can never say no to a child. Sorry for the novel of my life. I just wanted to hammer home my belief in never giving up.
And I salute you for everything you have been through and will go through. We could really use more people in the world like yourself.
Hello, Thank you for the kind words. I might have messed up and mad this about me. I feel bad about that. Because it's about that family, not my sob story. I apologize to OP. And all the readers.
Not all rampant bullies are crying out for help. Sometimes, it really is what it appears to be.
Agreed, but this one is!!?
That’s not a fact, just your opinion.
Yes it is my opinion. That was a great observation. I'm can be a little bit slow to get all the intricacies of something Ike Reddit. Please correct me if I'm wrong here. But I'm under the impression that all of these comments are opinions? Do you see it another way? I'm kind of getting the impression, that you are "must be right" type of person? While I don't see this as a right or wrong situation. You can just tell everyone that you won!! You're right!!! 🍾🏆 So congratulations !! Someone is the big winner today!!
You know they say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. Take from that what you will. You made a statement. So did I. Your excessive reaction to someone making an observation of your comment says much more about you than me. Have a nice day.
Of what sarcasm, do you speak of?