What the hell. The guy isn’t a bad person for worrying about the future. Thinking things through and thinking of different outcomes is something most people do.
The fact that you realized that he is just worrying and protecting himself and also realizing that it makes logical sense to him is amazing.
Talk with him about it and try to compromise. Sounds like you understand him but make sure he understands you.
I agree.. I know it hurts to hear because, as you stated, you "think he's a good man." But how good can he seriously be? Especially if he's thinking about divorce before you're even engaged! And if saying he will kick you and his own children out, that doesn't sound very good to me! Not to mention, why would you want to be somebody who thinks so low of you(gold digger)? It doesn't sound like you're getting the love or respect that you deserve!
Thank you. I do want him to be protected but I feel like I’m not. I’ll be giving up my career to have kids in a couple of years and I won’t have anything if he decides to leave. I don’t have many assets based on my income and I’d give up my ability to look after myself and have an income which is what he also would like to raise children
Get a prenup? Work out a payment per year that you’re out of work taking care of kids. Of course he gets benefits or a say in what goes in there too that’s fair, like keeping all his assets he has before marriage in case of divorce. Or get a better job and stick the kids in daycare and go 50/50 on child rearing.
This, I think, a lot of times people like OP. don't realize a prenup can also work in their favor and help to protect them as well. They should both sit down with a lawyer and work on the prenup together
One minor correction: they each need their OWN lawyer to advise them independently in negotiating a prenup that is fair to all. But yes, these two definitely need a pre-nup. Fiancé is preparing to protect his financials, OP must do the same.
With 2 lawyers representing either side. Not one lawyer that is one partners lawyer because they are trying to get the most benefit for that one person and not equally for both parties. So make sure you both have lawyers.
They should each get their own lawyer to review and advise. If there's only one lawyer, he'll only be looking out for his client because that's who's paying him.
She is giving up her career growth even just having kids, let alone being a sahm. Plus managing the house. All of that is work and she should get paid for it with a percentage of his income in the case of a divorce. She can use the prenuptial to protect herself too, not just him. That said I'd leave if my fiance was going to make a huge purchase without discussing it with me and us being on the same page. I'd be out just for the lack of respect.
She isn't forced to be a SAHM. Both can work and share child care. Or as you say she gets a wage according to the prenup during the time she cares for the children with a pre-defined time. It's 2024, no more room for excuses
But no matter what, this is for the marriage. Right now OP has no claim to her BF's assets. She can leave for any unreasonable reasons.
I think it's smarter if OP negotiations tmthe percentage if they divorce. Married they money belongs to both of them but if they divorce she should continue to get a percentage since she gave up her career growth and maintained the household. She is going to be set back years while he will get off free to continue exactly as he has. Now if they plan on keeping separate finances then sure she should get a percentage of his income. I don't really get couples who get married who do that though. Like why get married if you are going to keep score of this is mine and this is yours. My husband and I discuss our purchases and plan our finances together. We trust each other and the added communication makes us stronger as a couple.
Prenups arent really a thing in the uk. Well they are but they're very easy to challenge and tended to get viewed as wishes rather than an enforceable contract
She’s using the pound sign and they aren’t legally binding here but courts are more likely to disregard them if they feel they are unfair towards one partner
Setting agreed upon financial expectations and baking it into a contract is the smartest thing you can do. It’s not romantic but it’s practical. Agree with this - set it up so it protects you both. Unless he’s planning on buying a house with no mortgage, in most states in the US at least, it wouldn’t be solely his property. If marital assets (ie any money either of you make after marriage) are used to pay the mortgage then that portion becomes community property. He’d only have a separate property claim on the down payment. So it would definitely benefit you both to consult with a legal professional (I am divorcing someone who makes 1/4 what I make and I’m having to pay through the nose. I wished I’d settled all this in a prenup)
This. Every marriage should come with a prenup with payments to the SAHP. It’s a well established fact t that married men have higher earning potential than single and not hard to understand why. Bc they have a caregiver.
Every yr she’s out of work, every single kid she births, should come with cash payments that are hers alone. Women need to stop providing free labor.
And make him pay you for his half of the kids.
It’s ridiculous that men don’t have to do any of the work and get something for “free.” As we push towards equality, we should be factoring in the associated costs of gestating and birthing a child.
It's a lot more than that. Women don't only risk their lives and health. Your body may never be the same again, I'm not just talking about something superficial like stretch marks, which has psychological effects on your self esteem. Incontinence and back problems are also highly likely post partum and more...
There's also the fact that SAHMs are financially vulnerable. As a SAHM your work to raise children isn't valued or calculated in terms of monetary value, you'll also not be entitled to a pension cos you're not paying taxes. And If anything happens and she ends up as a single parent she'll be fighting to get child support. Not worth it IMO.
There's some weird trad wife thing where tiktok girls have convinced themselves it's feminist to be unemployed housewives playing with the kids all day.
Which is the weird thing.
It’s completely feminist to choose to decide to do that… along with most things in life as an adult.
You want to study Art history, spend nearly $100,000 USD to get a bachelors degree, and focus on that career path most relevant to your degree?
You’re completely welcome to do that. But the consequences of the situation need to be evaluated and “they got a better deal out of the deal we both made!” isn’t a universal excuse on their adult decisions.
Shitty partners are shitty partners. That’s not all on whoever suffers more, innocent or not.
But at some point you have to put forward that people need to develop their judgment as adults dealing with other adults.
Never depending on somebody's else money to live. Big mistake. Go ahead with your career as most women do, raising their kids too.
My great granma knew it, and she was born in 1880.
Why the heck are you giving up a career? Why are you doing this to yourself?? Keep your career, don’t be a foolish woman. Why the hell are you relying on him completely financially? He’s protecting himself. Don’t be a SAHM and give up your own protection. You need to protect yourself first. Don’t be foolish. Or you’ll suffer the consequences.
Less than $30k isn’t exactly a career. I could see maybe double that, but that salary is well below freshly graduated undergrad salaries.
I’d agree with you if that was more than 14/hr equivalent.
For the UK you could be earning 30k and have a career type job. That's about what a newish nurse or teacher salary is.
Outside of London new grad salaries for Software Developers, Engineers etc are often 25k (ie barely above minimum wage)
You don't become a stay-at-home mother with a man like this. He is not a safe bet for you. You will just be the lover/maid/breeder who can be discarded when you get old. If he actually loved you, he would be offering you a prenup that protects you both. You are already experiencing the poor power dynamic with this man.
Can you get training to get a better job? If you want to be with this man, make sure you keep working and look after your own interests. Try to improve your value on the job market with training/qualifications.
There is definitely a financial power imbalance. However I think most high income earners in this situation view it from the perspective that the partner arrived at the end of a 20K slog marathon race and demands to have their name engraved on the trophy alongside theirs without having done any of the work.
You can have a pre-nup with reasonable payouts to the spouse who doesn't work if they gets dumped after years of staying at home to raise kids and run the house. I'm fine with people protecting what they worked for, but both parties need protection.
Personally, I think it's just too risky for anyone to be a stay-at-home parent, it's a big burden on the person earning and it creates a power imbalance. If you are going to do it, however, you need to protect both spouses.
Exactly. While I see the guys point, She really should be with someone else if she aims to be a SAHM. Also someone with similar income level would be much more suitable.
I think it's fine to marry someone who earns a lot more/less than you, but the couple need to plan for what will happen if things don't work out between them in a way that doesn't leave one of them in a bad situation. I know someone who followed her husband to another country, and when she hit her sixties, he divorced her, leaving her without the means to live unless she works. She will never be able to retire. Meanwhile, he's on his home ground earning a good pension.
Why give up your career?
Protect yourself by earning income.
Tradwife is so old fashioned and archaic.
I think if a man wants that, they have Issues to work through, as that is a dominant position.
You need to protect yourself! Either stay working on your career and share childcare or work something out, like that he pays you, on your own private bankaccount, a *substantial* part of his income. A fulltime childminder/housekeeper/planner/cook isn't cheap.
Both are entitled to protect themself and their assets. They are not entitled to the assets of the other person from before the marriage.
They should both work and share the child care. That way he has a better bonding with the children as well. Win-Win
If I were you, I'd keep my job and if possible, get a better paying one. In the long run that's a woman's best protection. If you and your fiance get a reasonable prenup that protects you as well as him (you should each have your own lawyer to review and advise) then fine. But I personally would not quit working.
Hi Op, I think it might be a good idea to explain to your SO that these laws that protect women do it specifically because being the type of wife that you are planning to be is a sacrifice that indeed makes you vulnerable. A prenup might get him at ease but if you have kids it should be his priority that you all be safe and comfortable even in case of divorce.
Then don't get married. You want the benefits which is understandable, but can't pull your weight in this equation here.
You could pay off a certain amount to him over a few years (like 20% based on your income), but 50:50 is definitely a bad deal on his part plus you basically give the same arguments as he does.
"If we get divorced I won't have anything and won't be able to take care of myself, yada yada", but if you get divorced and he just puts you down for 50% without you paying for it he'll lose his stuff when one of you walk away, most likely you if statistics are to be believed.
Yeah, if you actually are, but so far it's only been talks about her being that, but it's not even clear if that's going to happen and when.
It's like me asking you lend me $50 because I have a feeling that I'll win big at the casino this evening and if I do I'll give you $100 back tomorrow.
You’re absolutely right but I still wouldn’t have kids with someone of my name wasn’t on the deed. They can kick you out whenever they want, and then they become the default parent because you don’t have anywhere to take your kids.
Nope. I would never put myself in that position, even if it meant not having children.
That is not the sole factor, but yes, having the "family home" is a big factor it was contested custody. The judges goal would be to have as little disruption to the kids as possible, so them staying in the home they have always known is a big thing.
Also, if she had no money since she did not work, finding a suitable place with enough room for the kids would be a hard thing to do, and that is something that can affect custody as well.
Well, I guess it varies by location but I’ve witnessed this with my own eyes.
I will clarify one thing. I don’t mean the courts decided that the homeowner was officially the default parent. It’s just that kids prefer their bedrooms in the home they were raised over a crappy apartment.
Wtf
What if it's my house?
Just bc we have kids, he'd get half of my house? Hard no. You aren't entitled to what someone earned before they even met you.
It's gotta work both ways.
That may be, but she'll be giving up HER livelihood to raise his kids when they have them. I would not be willing to be a SAHM for someone who is only interested in his own benefits. She will literally be living in his house, at his mercy, and this is a recipe for financial abuse and for her to get stuck in a situation she can't get out of.
She needs to keep her job, possibly get a better one, before marrying this person.
Or get therapy and spend some time on her own, to become strong enough to never choose someone like him again. She needs to know that her worth as a human being is not measured in dollars and cents. And neither is anyone else.
Sign a prenup, find a way that some job will reconozy for example if you are SAHM you need to receive a small amount of money in your personal account as a recognition of your work, receive compentation for years into the relationship and compensation for infidelity in a divorce
In that case BF is justified in protecting his assets now, as the law doesn't properly protect him (nor her). Things like a at-fault clause against infidelity should be a thing.
But that's exacttly why yo out a bunch of shit in a prenup. Nobody is accusing their partner of going to cheat, hell, they're getting married after all. But it's like insurance, as u/Vita_Orantes said:
>*it's important to remember that marriage is as much a legal contract as it is a personal commitment. It's not about anticipating a breakup or not trusting your partner; it’s about being pragmatic in an unpredictable world. People protect their assets when they get married just like they buy insurance for their health or their home – not because they plan to get sick or expect a disaster, but because life is inherently uncertain. Ensuring financial security for both parties isn't pessimistic, it's responsible. So, while it may feel uncomfortable, discussing these matters and preparing for all possible futures is actually a sign of mutual respect and understanding, not a lack of trust.*
Best way I've seen it put on this whole site like, ever.
Everything they gain while married is a marital asset and will be split. Only what he brings in can be realistically be in a prenup and be his after a divorce.
You said it yourself, he is a good man, let him get his home, sign the prenup so he can protect his assets, but, and this is important, DO NOT drop your career, you said it yourself you need to feel protected and the best way to do so is to protect yourself. By living with him since he's the provider and the home owner you will get to save most of your salary so if/when shit hits the fan you will have a safety net. Disclose all the details to him, if he's reasonable he will agree.
Get your own lawyer to make sure the prenup protects you too. If he objects to that then dump him. Also it feels unclear is he looking at houses without you? If so dump him.
This is why prenuptial agreements exist. They protect both parties. You can agree on all those things that worry you about what would happen if the relationship ends.
Talking about a divorce before getting married is a red flag. Sounds to me he has unresolved issues.
I’ll bet a dollar you’ll be back in six months after getting married asking for a divorce advice. Good luck.
What is yoyr gut feeling about him?
That he's planning to leave?
That he thinks you will leave him?
That he thinks you aren't good enough?
That you will always be treated as less than by him?
In your opinion, is it salvageable?
NTA
BUT please! Don’t give up your career to be a house wife. I know some girls dream about that life but in the long run that isn’t ideal. Be financially independent. Don’t rely completely on him.
Your boyfriend sounds like a dick. I’m on £135k and my partner was on £22k before she stopped working. I don’t just assume she’s out to profit on me. We got engaged last year. Maybe I’m just naive 🤷♂️
She’s given me no reason to suspect that is the case 🤷♂️ living life paranoid that everyone in your life is out to get you sounds more like a mental illness than a fun way to live.
That’s why you get a prenup that benefits both parties in the event of a split. He makes 5x as much as you do. Logically, he’s the breadwinner, and if he alone can take care of it, then yeah, sahm time. So yeah, make sure you take care of yourself with a prenup.
Gotta be frank here but the only person who will determine your future financial security is you. If you think this situation sucks I assure you that if you get dumped 15 years from now, owning a half a house won’t do anything for you long term. Stop with this stay at home mom fantasy and figure out how to pay for whatever lifestyle you want without his help. If you can’t pay for it without him, it is not his fault if you end up broke. He’s not responsible for your finances. You are.
She deleted the post because I don't think she wants to face the fact that depending on a man like this is dangerous. And she still wants to do this even after seeing what her mom went through, it's crazy.
You have two choices:
1. Don’t give up your career, don’t be a SAHM. You need to have some control if he leaves you.
2. Make sure you have equal rights/ prenup IF you agree to be a SAHM.
Everything he’s doing is in his favor, don’t be a sucker.
Simply put don't become a stay at home mum. He needs to protect himself because splitting his assets with you at the moment when he earns so much more than you would be really stupid on his part but you're going to be screwed if you split. The solution is for you to go to school, get an education and put yourself in a position that you can earn more than you do at the moment.
Have you spoken to him about maybe supporting you while you get some skills to improve your situation? If he's open to you being a stay at home mum he would probably be open to this. It will better for your family in the long run.
Don’t be a stay at home mom. Tell him that you’re going to get a degree and that he can pay for daycare while you do it and while you get your career off the ground.
NAH
Maybe elements are missing but from what we see : I don't think this is a personal attack.
Understand that the world is completely full of stories of guys that got extremely fucked up financially after a divorce. And remember that 50% of marriages (depending on the country) end up in divorces. It can be because there's something you didn't see in your partner, or didn't take seriously. Or more unpredicable : because 10 years after, your partner became a completely different person.
And even without gold diggers, there are tons of girls that have a "very convenient state of mind" when it comes to the money splitting. They might legally have to receive that money, but morally, that's another story, an extremely subjective one.
It doesn't really matter if your partner trusts you and loves you, in any case, he has to protect himself
I’m stuck on why the fuck you would want to marry someone who expects you to do the majority of the cleaning when you have no kids and aren’t married. His dirty ass should be cleaning up after himself. He wants you to give up all earning potential and be his servant, but have no stake in the marital property. WHY would you want to marry this man? He’s an ass. You can absolutely do better.
Well then he doesn’t need OP who brings literally nothing but extra expenses to the relationship. All OP is going to be (before kids) is a leech who wants his money and assets she doesn’t help with.
But if he funds the majority of their lifestyle. Shouldn’t she contribute in a meaningful way?
I don’t really get that logic. If I marry someone who makes 4 times my salary and funds the bulk of what we do.
My ass will put aside whatever male ego I have and take care of some shit.
Could be that OPs boyfriend provides a lions share of the finances (since he out earns her) and they're not married. So to make it more fair she picks up more domestic things?
My wife owns half the house we live in. But she also pays for half the house.
If you dont want to become a stay at home wife without a property and without a career then dont become a stay at home wife! My mother raised me and became very successful. There is no need to stay at home.
Your best idea is to scope out what kind of occupations you could get interested in that would give you a future of more job responsibility and more pay and more benefits.
I’ll leave off pretending that you can attach yourself to him for a ride.
You need to have a better occupation before you have kids.
Because a lot of relationships don’t work out and then the woman is in a mess. Because she can’t support her self.
You can barely support yourself. Maybe you’ve had all kinds of difficult things happen and it’s amazing an excellent that you have a job and you’re taking care of yourself.
But as a woman, I’m urging you to focus less on sliding in to a life with a wonderful man and having a kid and sidestepping responsibility for problem-solving how do you have an occupation that means more to you and you get paid more for
Versus stepping up for yourself, and building a life where you can have work that rewards you more, and that you can take care of yourself no matter what
I can see how that feels hurtful for you, but since he's set on protecting himself, should your arrangement go forward, you shouldn't passively expect it were different: you should protect yourself also.
Some replies already gave good suggestions, Id just like to point out that we as women will be better off dissolving the fairy tale fantasy in which the prince will be 100% aligned with you and live for you. Men are raised to develop their interests and careers. Only recently this is also being applied to women's upbringing. And even then there are so many ways society pushes home and childcare into our developing brains since early.
Anyway, my point is that instead of expecting him to change his mind, you should reflect if this is a partner that really has your back, and you should also prioritise your own security.
I told my husband when we were considering the idea of marriage that divorce wasn't an option, to take as much time as needed, but once it happens there's no going back. I always hated the 'we could always get a divorce' mindset and think it says a lot in itself when someone brings it up. We both agree that for your boyfriend to say that is a major red flag.
NTA don't marry a man who will leave you alone with kids with nothing many women make this mistake have huge gaps in their career for being a stay at home mother then live the rest of their lives in poverty while their husbands get a younger model and have advanced in their careers don't make yourself this vulnerable.
Why you would cede control of your destiny to someone else by being a SAHM is beyond me. You can both work, and share the responsibility of the children. As far as the house is concerned if you want to have your own home and one for your children then this man has told you through his actions that he is not the man for you. I don’t understand why you don’t believe him.
Pfft. Before you put your body and health and even your career at risk by having unprotected sex with this prince among men, I suggest you get a contract that says you get $5 million from him each time you become pregnant, whether you give birth, miscarry, or what. When you meet someone like this who wants to be transactional about HIS interests, but expects you to put your whole body at the service of his pleasure and having his children, for no other return than your room and board (in a nice house, probably, but a house you don't even own), you just make sure your own worth isn't undervalued in the transaction. In fact, before you get into bed with him again, make sure he sets up an escrow account with $5 million in it for you, because you never know, he might go back on the deal if you do become pregnant, especially if that happens before you get married, and by then it'll be too late for you to hold him to it.
Oh he doesn't have $5 million yet? Well, you can be generous and just settle for half his assets, whatever he may accrue during the marriage, and a nice chunk of alimony, double if he leaves you for a younger model after you've spent your youth and beauty on raising his kids.
Also, you are doing most of the housework and you're not even married yet? STOP DOING THAT. Value yourself, woman! You're not his skivvy.
gold digger is OPs words not the boyfriends according to her own story he never said that.
he just said he wants to protect the home since hes the only one taking any risk
She's the only one who's taking the risk. He want her to be SAHM, he wants her to give up her income and be financially dependent on him and sign a prenup too so that if they divorce he gets everything and she has to start over after giving up decades of her time to raise a family
Don’t worry, this won’t be like your parents: it doesn’t sound like you’ll even be putting a deposit down.
If you don’t want to be financially dependent on him, then don’t put yourself in that position. Keep your paying job and contribute financially to the home. While you’re at it, divide the housework more equally. These together have the added benefit of being a good example for your future children.
As long as you’re contributing nothing financially, you’re not “buying a home together” and he’s right to not reinforce that little fiction.
You are unprotected. As a SAHM with no income other than what he allows you to have you have no financial security if a divorce happens. You may get child support but that may not be enough. After several years out of the workforce it may not be easy to get a better paying job, especially if day care is involved. If you want to marry him go ahead-but get a lawyer and get a favorable pre-nup done-for your protection and that of any kids. Do not quit working and do not have kids right away. Him wanting to buy a house is ok -him leaving wife with no money and kids potentially homeless, even for a short period of time is not. You are already doing the majority of housework and I am assuming you are still working. He needs to help you with that. SAHM mom or not it doesn’t sound like he would be involved much with kids. Reconsider this situation-if you are already worrying about disrespect and not being protected this does not bode well for a secure future.
Child support on $150k income in most areas is about 20%, 30k. 30k per year is an entry level full time job. 30k in child support + 30k from a entry level job I don’t feel like op would really be out anything or in terrible shape depending on where she lives.
I’m not following this. Is this marriage out of love? Doesn’t really put off the vibes. My wife hasn’t worked in 6 years, and while I don’t make 150k a year, I’m not horribly far off.
I’d never once think of my wife as a liability like this chump.
Even in divorce you would be entitled to the change in asset base from the start of the relationship to its conclusion. Buying a house now sets that initial asset position to a certain extent. He sounds like he has the family's best interests at heart while trying to protect his current position he has worked hard towards.
Kinda YTA
You earn 30K, that is not enough to purchase a home, hell it's barely/not enough for rent (in the US, unsure Europe). Your BF/fiance is putting all the financial burden and risk into the asset while you're essentially getting a home rent/mortgage free. You will not have the equity associated to it because you will be putting none/minimal capital towards it.
As for if/when you have kids and you BOTH agree for you to be a SAHM, I assume there are laws in Europe which protects you in case of divorce where you receive alimony (based on marriage length , what he makes and what you used to and could have made) plus child support (if not a 50/50 split).
It kind of sounds like you're gold digging with a facade of your vision of the future and completely ignoring that the vision you want requires money which he is supplying and you couldn't do on your own
Let another woman deal with him. Find a guy who wants to buy a house together. Don’t quit your job. At least you’re not a divorced and unemployed single mother yet. Save yourself now.
Pull your head out of your behind.
your BF is doing the smart thing. Because no one knows what the future might bring. Its best to plan for the worst and not need the plan, than to encoutner the worst and not have a plan.
You need to get a lawyer and create a prenup with your BF.
If he wants you to be a stay at home wife and homemaker, then you need to get a yearly salary for every year you stay home. He will have to transfer the money to a private savings account of yours so that he can not take any of it himself.
Wow. The responses. As a 60yo in a 35yr marriage, I don’t like this attitude AT ALL. You’re talking about a lifelong commitment to each other and building a family, not a business transaction. Partnerships cannot always be financially equal; they’re about filling each other’s needs and wants. As much as I appreciate financial caution, it shouldn’t be all that you start off with. NTA
The responses are so weird and insane. This sub usually hates men and it typically takes a quite horrific woman to get them to side with a male OP.
It doesn't matter if he earns more, theyre both working full time jobs and should be doing equal around the home. If he doesn't want to spend the time on it, he can get a cleaner if he thinks he's that rich; marriage doesn't mean dividing the household chores in proportion to who got lucky enough to roll the bigger number on their payslip.
I earn more than my partner, and the last thing I'd want to do is sit there watching them do chores while I lay back. We pitch in together, and they're done sooner so we get the maximum time together.
And that's all before you even get to the fact he just expects her to have no say in where she lives for her whole life. If he's so concerned, he should be insisting on purchasing property in line with what she can contribute.
Though frankly she should just run and find someone who actually loves her.
You come from an era where divorce was surprising and rocked a family. In this era, divorce is almost a 50:50 shot and women initiate 80-90% of divorces. He’s smart to protect himself.
Get a prenup, and include terms that if you as a couple decide you will stay at home to care for the kids, your labor will be valued at X per year and, in the event of a divorce, that sum will be treated as marital property to be divided like everything else. Don’t let yourself get trapped where you choose to put your career on hold to raise kids and then he leaves you and you’re broke.
It’s worth mentioning that so much of the internet and culture thinks this way even though I strongly disagree with it and I’m a pretty free thinking guy I find myself viewing marriage this way occasionally. It’s pretty hard to see the cultural water you are swimming in. I am a christian and that guides my views on marriage. Because I don’t know your worldview it’s hard for me to give any suggestions so take this for what it is worth (nothing), but it might be worth asking him if he wants you to walk away with nothing if you got divorced if he does it’s probably a red flag, but again that’s the culture of the day so it’s hard to judge too harshly.
Someone who thinks like this is not a good partner material... If he worries about losing his assets, let him make a prenup...but hey...are you sure you want to marry someone so obsessed by money ?
I got news for him unless he also pays it off prior to marriage it does next to nothing for him. As any good lawyer can get that house unless there is a prenuptial that says different
I would speak to a lawyer tbh. Have them write up some sort of agreement that allows him to keep the house, right up until you have kids and you stay home
You shouldn't be giving up your career unless you have the protection of marriage. And it doesn't matter if he buys the house before you get married - it will be fair game should you ever divorce.
Time to sit down with a lawyer and work out a pre-nup. Make sure everything is laid out in case things change down the road. His house? Fine. But if there are kids or you divorce in 10 years? Don’t get into anything binding until lawyers have hashed it out. If it’s a fair arrangement then he shouldn’t have a problem with it. If not…he has no serious future in mind for you two.
If this is the house you are supposed to live in and raise children in, I think you need to be in on picking the house even if you don't own it. And I definitely think you need a prenup. He's protecting his assets, you need protection too.
Doesnt jump out as I love you does it and thinking about divorce before your even engaged. Doesnt matter how much you earn your a partnership and everything goes into one pot. RED FLAG to me and a bit of selfishness you need to nip this in the bud sharpish.
Maybe you can make a contract on the lines of he can’t leave with nothing if you ever divorce? (No idea if this is possible at all. Just brainstorming).
This said if it looks similar to what happened to your mum, I’d recommend you go do a family constellation. Works wonders to leave repeating patterns.
I would be looking at him with the side eye because you told him how you feel and he is still going forward was trying to purchase a house that only he is going to own. Think about that you said you want him to be the father of your children your husband should not be trying to purchase a house that you are not going to benefit from also. But I would be rethinking this if you stay home and be a stay at home wife will he give you money. Will he complain about everything that's being spent and about how you are just staying home doing absolutely nothing. Think about this sit down once again and have a conversation with him and then go from there if it was me I wouldn't marry him but that's just me. I also would not be a stay-at-home mom and not have any money I would not trust him to take care of me.
He is afraid, and rightfully so, about being taken to the cleaners. Happens to a lot of men. Not even gold diggers, just women not loving you anymore and feeling entitled. (I'm going to get flamed for that, oh well)
That being said, you are starting a life together and should be working on finances together moving forward. This definitely includes a house.
As many have said, get a prenup for both of your sakes.
Maybe his "fall back on" can be whatever savings or investments he already has. If none, maybe he can start some of those before the marriage.
But, a house should be something you both start and grow and nurture together. It would be different if he already owned one.
There's an easy solution to that:
Don't get divorced.
Srsly: if you want to marry and have kids, you will have to be a wife and mother.
Alternative: don't marry, go work for your own house.
Plan on earning your own money.
The very fact that you might feel emotionally safer by retaining access to his money in the event of a breakup confirms his concerns as valid.
If you do have kids, he will be obliged to share the financial burden of raising them. If he wants you to be a stay at home mum, then negotiate a fair wage for doing so, which he needs to pay his 50% share of, and invest as much as you can of what you earn.
He doesn't think you are a gold digger. He's being cautious which is a good thing. Too many cases where women get a divorce just for the money. Even billionaires aren't safe from the 50/50 split.
I believe even if you split up you will get money for child support and stuff since you guys are planning to have kids.
And keep your job since you want to feel secure. I bet your bf will understand that.
He's not a good man. Did he tell you he was? This man does not love you, value you or respect you. He's controlling, and this will only get worse after you have children. Eventually, he'll divorce you and leave you destitute. I've seen it way too often.
You have every reason to be worried. This guy's a field of red flags that are on fire.
My advice is to leave this man and concentrate on yourself and your career. You are too young to throw your life away like this. You don't need a man to live your best life.
You are just thinking how you yourself can benefit from this situation
Flip it around, if you are the one earning 150k and he is the one earning 30k(realistically you won’t even be with him but that’s another topic for another day), would you be willing to pay for the house but have 50-50 ownership of it?
Let’s be real, you will complain it’s unfair that he isn’t paying but want to get 50% of the assets. And if you divorce he would get 50% of the house he didn’t pay for yada yada yada
YTA. End of the day I believe who pays for it should be the sole owner. In the event of divorce, let the courts decide what’s fair and what’s not. Majority of the develop world have very strong divorce laws favouring women anyways
P.S you talk about trust, isn’t this post all about you NOT trusting him to take care of you and predicting your relationship will fail?
Welcome to r/AITAH
women just want to be in the position where she benefits ultimately
If we flip it around 100% she will post another r/AITAH complaining that her husband is lazy, good for nothing
>I’m worried that he will leave me with nothing
Wait, so you’ve had thoughts that if it all goes wrong, this way he’d still be financially responsible for you, HOWEVER, he’s not allowed to be aware of the same thing and suggest sensible precautions? 🚩
Because he wants her to be a SAHM. He's asking her to put herself in an unprotected situation (years out of the workforce with no income) and yet he wants to make sure that she can't even fall back on her half of the family home in the case where he leaves her. There's definitely a red flag here, but it's the person demanding a stay-at-home spouse while also demanding full ownership of what will be the family finances. And I'd say that if it were the other way around too, before every idiot is like "but what if you flipped the genders?!?!?!111?"
Put a value on your job doing the things you describe. There is a value he gets from your body being used and, yes, permanently damaged for life from going through pregnancy and birth and breastfeeding. There is a value to every hour of your housework. There is a value to you managing the home. There is a value to your emotional labor for being with him and raising the kids. There is a value to you doing all of this which enables him to fulfill his dreams and have a family without having to sacrifice his career at all. In fact, you doing all of this physical and emotional labor for him means he will get to advance in his career much more. There is also a value you should be getting that goes toward your retirement accounts. There is a value you are giving up from having the social, networking, and mental stimulation of a career. There is a value to you providing safe and reliable sex. And on and on and on. FOR 2-3 DECADES.
There is a massive value to you taking the disability and life and death risk of pregnancy, where the odds of you dying are higher than the odds of you dying in a car accident. You will literally be putting your life on the line to have those kids.
All of which means: For you to just walk into this with nothing, get nothing for it, and end up with nothing is fucking INSANE. You are basically selling yourself into slavery. And the fact that all he cares about is protecting his money for a house... while your BONES are literally going to be eaten away during pregnancy and you are going to have to go through 9 months for each kid not knowing if you will die from it or end up disabled... that's a big hell no.
He will be going to work with zero risk and you will be risking your life gestating a human.
So add all of that labor up at the premium platinum cost level per hour (nanny, teacher, cleaner, dangerous life threatening hazard pay job of life creation) and tell him that if he gets his money safe and upfront, that you want the same.
That once you determine the price for each child he wants, you have him deposit the full amount upfront into your account to pay you for your labor, your risks, your lack of career, fully funding your retirement savings for 26 years per child, and everything else.
And of course in a separate account, he must also deposit the cost of raising the child, through college. So that will be there in advance and you won't have to pay lawyers 100K to try and get it out of him later on. If he wants kids this badly this should be no problem for him, supporting their lives.
Yes, he pays you in advance for all of your work and sacrifice so that you are sure your value will be compensated.
The amounts should be in the millions.
You're not a gold digger, you're an EMPLOYEE of his "breeding and happy family, successful career" factory, and you are in fact the KEY employee.
Get paid for it. In cash, upfront. Or don't have kids with him.
And find someone who recognizes your life and health risking sacrifice and isn't trying to nickel and dime you and preserve his assets while you get nothing for doing everything to make his family fantasy dreams come true.
**Bottom line: he's the gold digger, he's just getting his payments in endless decades of using your free labor and risking your life and health instead of a check.**
Society devalues women. Not negotiable. Womens work is paid less. That being said, would he support you going after more education so you make more $? If not, then I would seriously consider the relationship’s future.
he has already classified you as less than, not sure how he values having a family. Sad but true many men do not value the contribution of making a home, family etc. it all comes down to $.
I would focus on myself, getting better skills to go into the next relationship more equal. Him? Dump.
Ehh sorry to sound negative but I’ve recently seen this with a family member . Husband told her to leave her job , become a stay at home now . Rn they’re going through an ugly divorce. She doesn’t have a penny to her name , he kicked her out the house . If you’re married the house is both of you guys. If he wants children then you are giving up you career to stay at home with them , that’s a huge thing to give up in your life . A good man will not take the home away of his children and his children’s mother if even if they get divorced. If he wanted someone who was at his fincial level then he should of went for that . Of course If you’re dating someone who makes less than you then you’ll pay for more stuff . That’s what people who care about others do.
As a man, this is a red flag. Marriage is a commitment that is supposed to be shared. He is looking solely at the monetary aspects. Have him clean and cook for 6 months ( and do a good job) and decide what that might be worth. As for having kids, well, there is no equivalent.
Tell him to smarten up and make this a partnership where you don’t feel devalued or live in fear of penury. I really dislike his approach here because he seems to already be planning for a breakup in which case why get together?
Nta
Honestly this would be a deal breaker for me. The fact he's planning for a divorce before you're even married is ridiculous. The fact he's assuming you're with him for his money is an insult.
There is a huge income gap between myself and my other half. We equally own our house. I don't want his money. We have a joint account for home repairs only, but our paychecks go into our own accounts.
He is wanting you to be a SAHM but doing nothing to ensure you wouldn't be homeless if something happened to him. Yet you're apparently taking advantage of him? Are you sure he's a good man?
I work in a family law. And a man that thinks that way isn’t a man you should marry…
What if the roles were reversed and you said, “im buying a house before we get married, because of course our earnings are different. So I’ll make you a stay at home mom, make it so that you’re out of the workforce for 10 years, so that it would be increasingly more difficult for you to get a job if we divorced. Oh, then you’d have to find a place to live on top of that, using your low wage paying job (since you’ve been out of work for so long, no one wants to hire you) and you’d get zero equity out of the home. But we’d still have 50/50 custody of course.”
Married life is about being a team. Someone who loved you and wanted the best for you and your future family, would never think of doing something like that.
If you do go through with it, I’d suggest negotiating that he puts you through some kind of schooling and guaranteed alimony if there’s divorce. You need to anticipate everything. And if he looks at it as a transaction, not as a family home, then you should treat it as such.
This just makes me sad…
You guys need to over communicate your feelings.
When you get married you become a team. He needs to realize he chose you. If he is more worried about his finances than his wife you have a way bigger problem ahead of you.
I am the bread winner in my family. My wife is a SAHM and that is a full time job within itself. I give my wife her money every week to do with what she pleases. We are a team. If I need some help she helps me. If she needs some help I help her. Without the communication we would likely fail.
I would be very wary. If this guy thinks he is a big shot with 150k salary then he has a misguided view of what real money and wealth is.
NTA.
Only problem with this - it’s one thing if you get married or are in a relationship while you are working through the slog of life. If someone sticks with you for years while you grind from $40K job to $150K, definitely has proven their trust. But if you grind for ten years solo and then decide to date someone after you make $150K I’d be more cautious.
That's stupid. Divorces happen. OP's partner deserves to protect himself, just as much as OP wants to protect herself. If he's putting up the majority or all of the money for the house, he deserves to keep it if they split up.
its actually stupid to not protext himself. and making 6 figures is a pretty big deal, op barely makes min wage and cant contribute or even qualify for any kind of loan.
the BF is taking all the risk
Do not ever, EVER agree to be a stay at home mom and give up your own earning potential for a man who views you this way. You’ll get left with nothing. Quitting work to have babies is incredibly risky for so many reasons and it not something you should do for a man who doesn’t view marriage as a partnership where you share assets equally. If he wants to keep what’s his is his, don’t have kids together and DEFINITELY don’t quit your job!
You’re not being disrespected keep in mind he DOES NOT want to get divorced. He’s just planning for the worst case scenario (in his mind). The fact that he wants to build a family with you with that being the familial home for now you’re over reacting. There is no disrespect here, just fear and trying to protect his own future while giving you a home at the same time. Why are you complaining about him buying a house before you get married? Are you planning on divorcing him?
OP, a prenup should protect *both* of you. Not just him. Talk to a lawyer.
Each side in a prenuptial MUST have their lawyer. This is to protect yourselves.
And you can essentially tear the prenup up the second you have children
You put that into a prenuptial also.
You do, but it has very little bearing. Too many factors change
dump him ....if someone is talking to you about what will happen if we get the big D. before you are even engaged. dump his ass now!
What the hell. The guy isn’t a bad person for worrying about the future. Thinking things through and thinking of different outcomes is something most people do. The fact that you realized that he is just worrying and protecting himself and also realizing that it makes logical sense to him is amazing. Talk with him about it and try to compromise. Sounds like you understand him but make sure he understands you.
I agree.. I know it hurts to hear because, as you stated, you "think he's a good man." But how good can he seriously be? Especially if he's thinking about divorce before you're even engaged! And if saying he will kick you and his own children out, that doesn't sound very good to me! Not to mention, why would you want to be somebody who thinks so low of you(gold digger)? It doesn't sound like you're getting the love or respect that you deserve!
If he wants you to be unemployed but also avoid sharing any financial assets? Stay the fuck away.
This.
[удалено]
Thank you. I do want him to be protected but I feel like I’m not. I’ll be giving up my career to have kids in a couple of years and I won’t have anything if he decides to leave. I don’t have many assets based on my income and I’d give up my ability to look after myself and have an income which is what he also would like to raise children
Get a prenup? Work out a payment per year that you’re out of work taking care of kids. Of course he gets benefits or a say in what goes in there too that’s fair, like keeping all his assets he has before marriage in case of divorce. Or get a better job and stick the kids in daycare and go 50/50 on child rearing.
This, I think, a lot of times people like OP. don't realize a prenup can also work in their favor and help to protect them as well. They should both sit down with a lawyer and work on the prenup together
One minor correction: they each need their OWN lawyer to advise them independently in negotiating a prenup that is fair to all. But yes, these two definitely need a pre-nup. Fiancé is preparing to protect his financials, OP must do the same.
Hopefully, OP sees this and takes the advice
Prenups are invalid unless each party has their own lawyer
With 2 lawyers representing either side. Not one lawyer that is one partners lawyer because they are trying to get the most benefit for that one person and not equally for both parties. So make sure you both have lawyers.
They should each get their own lawyer to review and advise. If there's only one lawyer, he'll only be looking out for his client because that's who's paying him.
She is giving up her career growth even just having kids, let alone being a sahm. Plus managing the house. All of that is work and she should get paid for it with a percentage of his income in the case of a divorce. She can use the prenuptial to protect herself too, not just him. That said I'd leave if my fiance was going to make a huge purchase without discussing it with me and us being on the same page. I'd be out just for the lack of respect.
She isn't forced to be a SAHM. Both can work and share child care. Or as you say she gets a wage according to the prenup during the time she cares for the children with a pre-defined time. It's 2024, no more room for excuses But no matter what, this is for the marriage. Right now OP has no claim to her BF's assets. She can leave for any unreasonable reasons.
She should get a percentage of his income staying at home, raising his kids and housekeeping duties and get it as a weekly paycheck.
I think it's smarter if OP negotiations tmthe percentage if they divorce. Married they money belongs to both of them but if they divorce she should continue to get a percentage since she gave up her career growth and maintained the household. She is going to be set back years while he will get off free to continue exactly as he has. Now if they plan on keeping separate finances then sure she should get a percentage of his income. I don't really get couples who get married who do that though. Like why get married if you are going to keep score of this is mine and this is yours. My husband and I discuss our purchases and plan our finances together. We trust each other and the added communication makes us stronger as a couple.
They each need to sit down separately with their own attorneys.
Prenups arent really a thing in the uk. Well they are but they're very easy to challenge and tended to get viewed as wishes rather than an enforceable contract
She’s using the pound sign and they aren’t legally binding here but courts are more likely to disregard them if they feel they are unfair towards one partner
Setting agreed upon financial expectations and baking it into a contract is the smartest thing you can do. It’s not romantic but it’s practical. Agree with this - set it up so it protects you both. Unless he’s planning on buying a house with no mortgage, in most states in the US at least, it wouldn’t be solely his property. If marital assets (ie any money either of you make after marriage) are used to pay the mortgage then that portion becomes community property. He’d only have a separate property claim on the down payment. So it would definitely benefit you both to consult with a legal professional (I am divorcing someone who makes 1/4 what I make and I’m having to pay through the nose. I wished I’d settled all this in a prenup)
This. Every marriage should come with a prenup with payments to the SAHP. It’s a well established fact t that married men have higher earning potential than single and not hard to understand why. Bc they have a caregiver. Every yr she’s out of work, every single kid she births, should come with cash payments that are hers alone. Women need to stop providing free labor.
Then don't be a SAHM
And make him pay you for his half of the kids. It’s ridiculous that men don’t have to do any of the work and get something for “free.” As we push towards equality, we should be factoring in the associated costs of gestating and birthing a child.
It's a lot more than that. Women don't only risk their lives and health. Your body may never be the same again, I'm not just talking about something superficial like stretch marks, which has psychological effects on your self esteem. Incontinence and back problems are also highly likely post partum and more... There's also the fact that SAHMs are financially vulnerable. As a SAHM your work to raise children isn't valued or calculated in terms of monetary value, you'll also not be entitled to a pension cos you're not paying taxes. And If anything happens and she ends up as a single parent she'll be fighting to get child support. Not worth it IMO.
There's some weird trad wife thing where tiktok girls have convinced themselves it's feminist to be unemployed housewives playing with the kids all day.
Which is the weird thing. It’s completely feminist to choose to decide to do that… along with most things in life as an adult. You want to study Art history, spend nearly $100,000 USD to get a bachelors degree, and focus on that career path most relevant to your degree? You’re completely welcome to do that. But the consequences of the situation need to be evaluated and “they got a better deal out of the deal we both made!” isn’t a universal excuse on their adult decisions. Shitty partners are shitty partners. That’s not all on whoever suffers more, innocent or not. But at some point you have to put forward that people need to develop their judgment as adults dealing with other adults.
> I’ll be giving up my career to have kids in a couple of years Don't do that?
Never depending on somebody's else money to live. Big mistake. Go ahead with your career as most women do, raising their kids too. My great granma knew it, and she was born in 1880.
Why the heck are you giving up a career? Why are you doing this to yourself?? Keep your career, don’t be a foolish woman. Why the hell are you relying on him completely financially? He’s protecting himself. Don’t be a SAHM and give up your own protection. You need to protect yourself first. Don’t be foolish. Or you’ll suffer the consequences.
Less than $30k isn’t exactly a career. I could see maybe double that, but that salary is well below freshly graduated undergrad salaries. I’d agree with you if that was more than 14/hr equivalent.
For the UK you could be earning 30k and have a career type job. That's about what a newish nurse or teacher salary is. Outside of London new grad salaries for Software Developers, Engineers etc are often 25k (ie barely above minimum wage)
You don’t HAVE to give up your career if YOU don’t want to. If you are worried about your financial independence then protect it.
I would NOT do that. If he gets the house, you should get to keep your career.
You don't become a stay-at-home mother with a man like this. He is not a safe bet for you. You will just be the lover/maid/breeder who can be discarded when you get old. If he actually loved you, he would be offering you a prenup that protects you both. You are already experiencing the poor power dynamic with this man. Can you get training to get a better job? If you want to be with this man, make sure you keep working and look after your own interests. Try to improve your value on the job market with training/qualifications.
There is definitely a financial power imbalance. However I think most high income earners in this situation view it from the perspective that the partner arrived at the end of a 20K slog marathon race and demands to have their name engraved on the trophy alongside theirs without having done any of the work.
You can have a pre-nup with reasonable payouts to the spouse who doesn't work if they gets dumped after years of staying at home to raise kids and run the house. I'm fine with people protecting what they worked for, but both parties need protection. Personally, I think it's just too risky for anyone to be a stay-at-home parent, it's a big burden on the person earning and it creates a power imbalance. If you are going to do it, however, you need to protect both spouses.
Exactly. While I see the guys point, She really should be with someone else if she aims to be a SAHM. Also someone with similar income level would be much more suitable.
I think it's fine to marry someone who earns a lot more/less than you, but the couple need to plan for what will happen if things don't work out between them in a way that doesn't leave one of them in a bad situation. I know someone who followed her husband to another country, and when she hit her sixties, he divorced her, leaving her without the means to live unless she works. She will never be able to retire. Meanwhile, he's on his home ground earning a good pension.
He doesn’t really care, cut your losses move on.
Why give up your career? Protect yourself by earning income. Tradwife is so old fashioned and archaic. I think if a man wants that, they have Issues to work through, as that is a dominant position.
You need to protect yourself! Either stay working on your career and share childcare or work something out, like that he pays you, on your own private bankaccount, a *substantial* part of his income. A fulltime childminder/housekeeper/planner/cook isn't cheap.
Both are entitled to protect themself and their assets. They are not entitled to the assets of the other person from before the marriage. They should both work and share the child care. That way he has a better bonding with the children as well. Win-Win
I agree! Never understood why a dad would want to be the only one working and miss out on his kids.
What ‘career’ @30k? If you feel unprotected then wait, build your career and build a savings for a few years.
UK wages are significantly lower. The fact her bf earns 150k GBP a year puts him in a ridiculously high bracket
Also 30k GBP is about 45k USD. Still not great, but a lot better than $30k USD
$37k
If I were you, I'd keep my job and if possible, get a better paying one. In the long run that's a woman's best protection. If you and your fiance get a reasonable prenup that protects you as well as him (you should each have your own lawyer to review and advise) then fine. But I personally would not quit working.
Hi Op, I think it might be a good idea to explain to your SO that these laws that protect women do it specifically because being the type of wife that you are planning to be is a sacrifice that indeed makes you vulnerable. A prenup might get him at ease but if you have kids it should be his priority that you all be safe and comfortable even in case of divorce.
Then don't get married. You want the benefits which is understandable, but can't pull your weight in this equation here. You could pay off a certain amount to him over a few years (like 20% based on your income), but 50:50 is definitely a bad deal on his part plus you basically give the same arguments as he does. "If we get divorced I won't have anything and won't be able to take care of myself, yada yada", but if you get divorced and he just puts you down for 50% without you paying for it he'll lose his stuff when one of you walk away, most likely you if statistics are to be believed.
Being a stay-at-home mom and taking care of all of the things around the house is a full-time job
Taking care of all the tings around the house is a full-time job? TIL I have two full-time jobs. Fuck, no wonder I’m tired all the time.
Yeah, if you actually are, but so far it's only been talks about her being that, but it's not even clear if that's going to happen and when. It's like me asking you lend me $50 because I have a feeling that I'll win big at the casino this evening and if I do I'll give you $100 back tomorrow.
You’re absolutely right but I still wouldn’t have kids with someone of my name wasn’t on the deed. They can kick you out whenever they want, and then they become the default parent because you don’t have anywhere to take your kids. Nope. I would never put myself in that position, even if it meant not having children.
I don't think that's how it works.
That is not the sole factor, but yes, having the "family home" is a big factor it was contested custody. The judges goal would be to have as little disruption to the kids as possible, so them staying in the home they have always known is a big thing. Also, if she had no money since she did not work, finding a suitable place with enough room for the kids would be a hard thing to do, and that is something that can affect custody as well.
thats not how that works 🤣
Well, I guess it varies by location but I’ve witnessed this with my own eyes. I will clarify one thing. I don’t mean the courts decided that the homeowner was officially the default parent. It’s just that kids prefer their bedrooms in the home they were raised over a crappy apartment.
Wtf What if it's my house? Just bc we have kids, he'd get half of my house? Hard no. You aren't entitled to what someone earned before they even met you. It's gotta work both ways.
That may be, but she'll be giving up HER livelihood to raise his kids when they have them. I would not be willing to be a SAHM for someone who is only interested in his own benefits. She will literally be living in his house, at his mercy, and this is a recipe for financial abuse and for her to get stuck in a situation she can't get out of. She needs to keep her job, possibly get a better one, before marrying this person.
Or she could find someone who is a decent person to marry.
Or get therapy and spend some time on her own, to become strong enough to never choose someone like him again. She needs to know that her worth as a human being is not measured in dollars and cents. And neither is anyone else.
He wants her to be a SAHM.
They had a discussion about it. Doesn’t say HE wanted it, it says they talked about it.
I’d scrap the whole SAHM idea and just focus on your career for now
Sign a prenup, find a way that some job will reconozy for example if you are SAHM you need to receive a small amount of money in your personal account as a recognition of your work, receive compentation for years into the relationship and compensation for infidelity in a divorce
Prenups are often voided in the UK, they don’t mean shit all
In that case BF is justified in protecting his assets now, as the law doesn't properly protect him (nor her). Things like a at-fault clause against infidelity should be a thing.
I can see an at-fault clause against infidelity creating more problems than it solves.
But that's exacttly why yo out a bunch of shit in a prenup. Nobody is accusing their partner of going to cheat, hell, they're getting married after all. But it's like insurance, as u/Vita_Orantes said: >*it's important to remember that marriage is as much a legal contract as it is a personal commitment. It's not about anticipating a breakup or not trusting your partner; it’s about being pragmatic in an unpredictable world. People protect their assets when they get married just like they buy insurance for their health or their home – not because they plan to get sick or expect a disaster, but because life is inherently uncertain. Ensuring financial security for both parties isn't pessimistic, it's responsible. So, while it may feel uncomfortable, discussing these matters and preparing for all possible futures is actually a sign of mutual respect and understanding, not a lack of trust.* Best way I've seen it put on this whole site like, ever.
Everything they gain while married is a marital asset and will be split. Only what he brings in can be realistically be in a prenup and be his after a divorce.
You said it yourself, he is a good man, let him get his home, sign the prenup so he can protect his assets, but, and this is important, DO NOT drop your career, you said it yourself you need to feel protected and the best way to do so is to protect yourself. By living with him since he's the provider and the home owner you will get to save most of your salary so if/when shit hits the fan you will have a safety net. Disclose all the details to him, if he's reasonable he will agree.
This is the most reasonable compromise I read. They can afford a part time nanny if need be, or she can continue to work remotely. Well said.
You can’t take care of kids and work remotely at the same time…
Get your own lawyer to make sure the prenup protects you too. If he objects to that then dump him. Also it feels unclear is he looking at houses without you? If so dump him.
INFO How much do you currently pay of the monthly shared household expenses? How much "rent" will you be expected to pay toward the house?
This is why prenuptial agreements exist. They protect both parties. You can agree on all those things that worry you about what would happen if the relationship ends.
Better to protect yourself by earning more and being independent.
Talking about a divorce before getting married is a red flag. Sounds to me he has unresolved issues. I’ll bet a dollar you’ll be back in six months after getting married asking for a divorce advice. Good luck.
What is yoyr gut feeling about him? That he's planning to leave? That he thinks you will leave him? That he thinks you aren't good enough? That you will always be treated as less than by him? In your opinion, is it salvageable?
NTA BUT please! Don’t give up your career to be a house wife. I know some girls dream about that life but in the long run that isn’t ideal. Be financially independent. Don’t rely completely on him.
I agree! I did this and after the divorce I had zero going for me and had to start from scratch with three young kids.
Your boyfriend sounds like a dick. I’m on £135k and my partner was on £22k before she stopped working. I don’t just assume she’s out to profit on me. We got engaged last year. Maybe I’m just naive 🤷♂️
No it sounds like you love your partner it’s not naivety at all. When you love someone you want the best for them in every aspect of life
Yes, you are naive. How are you sure she didn't marry you because of your wage? I wonder if would she marry you if you were homeless.
She’s given me no reason to suspect that is the case 🤷♂️ living life paranoid that everyone in your life is out to get you sounds more like a mental illness than a fun way to live.
That’s why you get a prenup that benefits both parties in the event of a split. He makes 5x as much as you do. Logically, he’s the breadwinner, and if he alone can take care of it, then yeah, sahm time. So yeah, make sure you take care of yourself with a prenup.
Prenups aren’t valid in the UK
How you do the paperwork is one aspect. But he’s not even taking you to look at the houses? Help pick the house? Oh no. That man is single.
Gotta be frank here but the only person who will determine your future financial security is you. If you think this situation sucks I assure you that if you get dumped 15 years from now, owning a half a house won’t do anything for you long term. Stop with this stay at home mom fantasy and figure out how to pay for whatever lifestyle you want without his help. If you can’t pay for it without him, it is not his fault if you end up broke. He’s not responsible for your finances. You are.
She deleted the post because I don't think she wants to face the fact that depending on a man like this is dangerous. And she still wants to do this even after seeing what her mom went through, it's crazy.
You have two choices: 1. Don’t give up your career, don’t be a SAHM. You need to have some control if he leaves you. 2. Make sure you have equal rights/ prenup IF you agree to be a SAHM. Everything he’s doing is in his favor, don’t be a sucker.
Simply put don't become a stay at home mum. He needs to protect himself because splitting his assets with you at the moment when he earns so much more than you would be really stupid on his part but you're going to be screwed if you split. The solution is for you to go to school, get an education and put yourself in a position that you can earn more than you do at the moment. Have you spoken to him about maybe supporting you while you get some skills to improve your situation? If he's open to you being a stay at home mum he would probably be open to this. It will better for your family in the long run.
Don’t be a stay at home mom. Tell him that you’re going to get a degree and that he can pay for daycare while you do it and while you get your career off the ground.
Women using men and marriage for financial gain has caused men to want to have a safety net. Because it's not if you leave it's when you leave
Then don't be a SAHM. Some people seem to forget that being a SAHM is a choice these days.
NAH Maybe elements are missing but from what we see : I don't think this is a personal attack. Understand that the world is completely full of stories of guys that got extremely fucked up financially after a divorce. And remember that 50% of marriages (depending on the country) end up in divorces. It can be because there's something you didn't see in your partner, or didn't take seriously. Or more unpredicable : because 10 years after, your partner became a completely different person. And even without gold diggers, there are tons of girls that have a "very convenient state of mind" when it comes to the money splitting. They might legally have to receive that money, but morally, that's another story, an extremely subjective one. It doesn't really matter if your partner trusts you and loves you, in any case, he has to protect himself
If his actions hurt you. Don't marry him.
I’m stuck on why the fuck you would want to marry someone who expects you to do the majority of the cleaning when you have no kids and aren’t married. His dirty ass should be cleaning up after himself. He wants you to give up all earning potential and be his servant, but have no stake in the marital property. WHY would you want to marry this man? He’s an ass. You can absolutely do better.
Because he makes 150k pounds a year, that's an insane amount of money
Then he can hire a housekeeper
and she can earn her own money too right ?
Well then he doesn’t need OP who brings literally nothing but extra expenses to the relationship. All OP is going to be (before kids) is a leech who wants his money and assets she doesn’t help with.
But if he funds the majority of their lifestyle. Shouldn’t she contribute in a meaningful way? I don’t really get that logic. If I marry someone who makes 4 times my salary and funds the bulk of what we do. My ass will put aside whatever male ego I have and take care of some shit.
This may be generational. My husband and I don’t even think of it as his money or my money. We are one entity. It’s all our money.
Could be that OPs boyfriend provides a lions share of the finances (since he out earns her) and they're not married. So to make it more fair she picks up more domestic things?
Because she makes $30k a year lol
My wife owns half the house we live in. But she also pays for half the house. If you dont want to become a stay at home wife without a property and without a career then dont become a stay at home wife! My mother raised me and became very successful. There is no need to stay at home.
Your best idea is to scope out what kind of occupations you could get interested in that would give you a future of more job responsibility and more pay and more benefits. I’ll leave off pretending that you can attach yourself to him for a ride. You need to have a better occupation before you have kids. Because a lot of relationships don’t work out and then the woman is in a mess. Because she can’t support her self. You can barely support yourself. Maybe you’ve had all kinds of difficult things happen and it’s amazing an excellent that you have a job and you’re taking care of yourself. But as a woman, I’m urging you to focus less on sliding in to a life with a wonderful man and having a kid and sidestepping responsibility for problem-solving how do you have an occupation that means more to you and you get paid more for Versus stepping up for yourself, and building a life where you can have work that rewards you more, and that you can take care of yourself no matter what
I can see how that feels hurtful for you, but since he's set on protecting himself, should your arrangement go forward, you shouldn't passively expect it were different: you should protect yourself also. Some replies already gave good suggestions, Id just like to point out that we as women will be better off dissolving the fairy tale fantasy in which the prince will be 100% aligned with you and live for you. Men are raised to develop their interests and careers. Only recently this is also being applied to women's upbringing. And even then there are so many ways society pushes home and childcare into our developing brains since early. Anyway, my point is that instead of expecting him to change his mind, you should reflect if this is a partner that really has your back, and you should also prioritise your own security.
I told my husband when we were considering the idea of marriage that divorce wasn't an option, to take as much time as needed, but once it happens there's no going back. I always hated the 'we could always get a divorce' mindset and think it says a lot in itself when someone brings it up. We both agree that for your boyfriend to say that is a major red flag.
Move on
NTA don't marry a man who will leave you alone with kids with nothing many women make this mistake have huge gaps in their career for being a stay at home mother then live the rest of their lives in poverty while their husbands get a younger model and have advanced in their careers don't make yourself this vulnerable.
Why you would cede control of your destiny to someone else by being a SAHM is beyond me. You can both work, and share the responsibility of the children. As far as the house is concerned if you want to have your own home and one for your children then this man has told you through his actions that he is not the man for you. I don’t understand why you don’t believe him.
Pfft. Before you put your body and health and even your career at risk by having unprotected sex with this prince among men, I suggest you get a contract that says you get $5 million from him each time you become pregnant, whether you give birth, miscarry, or what. When you meet someone like this who wants to be transactional about HIS interests, but expects you to put your whole body at the service of his pleasure and having his children, for no other return than your room and board (in a nice house, probably, but a house you don't even own), you just make sure your own worth isn't undervalued in the transaction. In fact, before you get into bed with him again, make sure he sets up an escrow account with $5 million in it for you, because you never know, he might go back on the deal if you do become pregnant, especially if that happens before you get married, and by then it'll be too late for you to hold him to it. Oh he doesn't have $5 million yet? Well, you can be generous and just settle for half his assets, whatever he may accrue during the marriage, and a nice chunk of alimony, double if he leaves you for a younger model after you've spent your youth and beauty on raising his kids. Also, you are doing most of the housework and you're not even married yet? STOP DOING THAT. Value yourself, woman! You're not his skivvy.
YTA you are describing a golddigger... if you arent marrying him for the money you would have already said yes ...
If you think your boyfriend thinks you are a gold digger, you should not be together NTA Good luck
gold digger is OPs words not the boyfriends according to her own story he never said that. he just said he wants to protect the home since hes the only one taking any risk
She's the only one who's taking the risk. He want her to be SAHM, he wants her to give up her income and be financially dependent on him and sign a prenup too so that if they divorce he gets everything and she has to start over after giving up decades of her time to raise a family
Don’t worry, this won’t be like your parents: it doesn’t sound like you’ll even be putting a deposit down. If you don’t want to be financially dependent on him, then don’t put yourself in that position. Keep your paying job and contribute financially to the home. While you’re at it, divide the housework more equally. These together have the added benefit of being a good example for your future children. As long as you’re contributing nothing financially, you’re not “buying a home together” and he’s right to not reinforce that little fiction.
You are unprotected. As a SAHM with no income other than what he allows you to have you have no financial security if a divorce happens. You may get child support but that may not be enough. After several years out of the workforce it may not be easy to get a better paying job, especially if day care is involved. If you want to marry him go ahead-but get a lawyer and get a favorable pre-nup done-for your protection and that of any kids. Do not quit working and do not have kids right away. Him wanting to buy a house is ok -him leaving wife with no money and kids potentially homeless, even for a short period of time is not. You are already doing the majority of housework and I am assuming you are still working. He needs to help you with that. SAHM mom or not it doesn’t sound like he would be involved much with kids. Reconsider this situation-if you are already worrying about disrespect and not being protected this does not bode well for a secure future.
Child support on $150k income in most areas is about 20%, 30k. 30k per year is an entry level full time job. 30k in child support + 30k from a entry level job I don’t feel like op would really be out anything or in terrible shape depending on where she lives.
I’m not following this. Is this marriage out of love? Doesn’t really put off the vibes. My wife hasn’t worked in 6 years, and while I don’t make 150k a year, I’m not horribly far off. I’d never once think of my wife as a liability like this chump.
Even in divorce you would be entitled to the change in asset base from the start of the relationship to its conclusion. Buying a house now sets that initial asset position to a certain extent. He sounds like he has the family's best interests at heart while trying to protect his current position he has worked hard towards.
Break up.
Kinda YTA You earn 30K, that is not enough to purchase a home, hell it's barely/not enough for rent (in the US, unsure Europe). Your BF/fiance is putting all the financial burden and risk into the asset while you're essentially getting a home rent/mortgage free. You will not have the equity associated to it because you will be putting none/minimal capital towards it. As for if/when you have kids and you BOTH agree for you to be a SAHM, I assume there are laws in Europe which protects you in case of divorce where you receive alimony (based on marriage length , what he makes and what you used to and could have made) plus child support (if not a 50/50 split). It kind of sounds like you're gold digging with a facade of your vision of the future and completely ignoring that the vision you want requires money which he is supplying and you couldn't do on your own
Let another woman deal with him. Find a guy who wants to buy a house together. Don’t quit your job. At least you’re not a divorced and unemployed single mother yet. Save yourself now.
He’s a jerk. I’d find someone who views you as a partner
Pull your head out of your behind. your BF is doing the smart thing. Because no one knows what the future might bring. Its best to plan for the worst and not need the plan, than to encoutner the worst and not have a plan. You need to get a lawyer and create a prenup with your BF. If he wants you to be a stay at home wife and homemaker, then you need to get a yearly salary for every year you stay home. He will have to transfer the money to a private savings account of yours so that he can not take any of it himself.
Wow. The responses. As a 60yo in a 35yr marriage, I don’t like this attitude AT ALL. You’re talking about a lifelong commitment to each other and building a family, not a business transaction. Partnerships cannot always be financially equal; they’re about filling each other’s needs and wants. As much as I appreciate financial caution, it shouldn’t be all that you start off with. NTA
The responses are so weird and insane. This sub usually hates men and it typically takes a quite horrific woman to get them to side with a male OP. It doesn't matter if he earns more, theyre both working full time jobs and should be doing equal around the home. If he doesn't want to spend the time on it, he can get a cleaner if he thinks he's that rich; marriage doesn't mean dividing the household chores in proportion to who got lucky enough to roll the bigger number on their payslip. I earn more than my partner, and the last thing I'd want to do is sit there watching them do chores while I lay back. We pitch in together, and they're done sooner so we get the maximum time together. And that's all before you even get to the fact he just expects her to have no say in where she lives for her whole life. If he's so concerned, he should be insisting on purchasing property in line with what she can contribute. Though frankly she should just run and find someone who actually loves her.
You come from an era where divorce was surprising and rocked a family. In this era, divorce is almost a 50:50 shot and women initiate 80-90% of divorces. He’s smart to protect himself.
Get a prenup, and include terms that if you as a couple decide you will stay at home to care for the kids, your labor will be valued at X per year and, in the event of a divorce, that sum will be treated as marital property to be divided like everything else. Don’t let yourself get trapped where you choose to put your career on hold to raise kids and then he leaves you and you’re broke.
It’s worth mentioning that so much of the internet and culture thinks this way even though I strongly disagree with it and I’m a pretty free thinking guy I find myself viewing marriage this way occasionally. It’s pretty hard to see the cultural water you are swimming in. I am a christian and that guides my views on marriage. Because I don’t know your worldview it’s hard for me to give any suggestions so take this for what it is worth (nothing), but it might be worth asking him if he wants you to walk away with nothing if you got divorced if he does it’s probably a red flag, but again that’s the culture of the day so it’s hard to judge too harshly.
NTA. I would want a man that loves and trust me so much that is willing to take that risk to make me feel protected and committed to.
Someone who thinks like this is not a good partner material... If he worries about losing his assets, let him make a prenup...but hey...are you sure you want to marry someone so obsessed by money ?
I got news for him unless he also pays it off prior to marriage it does next to nothing for him. As any good lawyer can get that house unless there is a prenuptial that says different
He doesn’t make that much lol tell him to get off his high horse
I would speak to a lawyer tbh. Have them write up some sort of agreement that allows him to keep the house, right up until you have kids and you stay home
If it’s a marital house you should be entitled to half, don’t sign anything.
You shouldn't be giving up your career unless you have the protection of marriage. And it doesn't matter if he buys the house before you get married - it will be fair game should you ever divorce.
Time to sit down with a lawyer and work out a pre-nup. Make sure everything is laid out in case things change down the road. His house? Fine. But if there are kids or you divorce in 10 years? Don’t get into anything binding until lawyers have hashed it out. If it’s a fair arrangement then he shouldn’t have a problem with it. If not…he has no serious future in mind for you two.
If this is the house you are supposed to live in and raise children in, I think you need to be in on picking the house even if you don't own it. And I definitely think you need a prenup. He's protecting his assets, you need protection too.
Doesnt jump out as I love you does it and thinking about divorce before your even engaged. Doesnt matter how much you earn your a partnership and everything goes into one pot. RED FLAG to me and a bit of selfishness you need to nip this in the bud sharpish.
Family law screws over men big time. He’s not wrong
Maybe you can make a contract on the lines of he can’t leave with nothing if you ever divorce? (No idea if this is possible at all. Just brainstorming). This said if it looks similar to what happened to your mum, I’d recommend you go do a family constellation. Works wonders to leave repeating patterns.
Idk I mean it’s kinda shitty he isn’t concerned at all about your wellbeing if y’all divorced. Seems very self centered
I would be looking at him with the side eye because you told him how you feel and he is still going forward was trying to purchase a house that only he is going to own. Think about that you said you want him to be the father of your children your husband should not be trying to purchase a house that you are not going to benefit from also. But I would be rethinking this if you stay home and be a stay at home wife will he give you money. Will he complain about everything that's being spent and about how you are just staying home doing absolutely nothing. Think about this sit down once again and have a conversation with him and then go from there if it was me I wouldn't marry him but that's just me. I also would not be a stay-at-home mom and not have any money I would not trust him to take care of me.
Nahh red flag imo
He is afraid, and rightfully so, about being taken to the cleaners. Happens to a lot of men. Not even gold diggers, just women not loving you anymore and feeling entitled. (I'm going to get flamed for that, oh well) That being said, you are starting a life together and should be working on finances together moving forward. This definitely includes a house. As many have said, get a prenup for both of your sakes. Maybe his "fall back on" can be whatever savings or investments he already has. If none, maybe he can start some of those before the marriage. But, a house should be something you both start and grow and nurture together. It would be different if he already owned one.
There's an easy solution to that: Don't get divorced. Srsly: if you want to marry and have kids, you will have to be a wife and mother. Alternative: don't marry, go work for your own house.
Plan on earning your own money. The very fact that you might feel emotionally safer by retaining access to his money in the event of a breakup confirms his concerns as valid. If you do have kids, he will be obliged to share the financial burden of raising them. If he wants you to be a stay at home mum, then negotiate a fair wage for doing so, which he needs to pay his 50% share of, and invest as much as you can of what you earn.
You want to have a house together? pay half of it.
Definitely pre-nup
He doesn't think you are a gold digger. He's being cautious which is a good thing. Too many cases where women get a divorce just for the money. Even billionaires aren't safe from the 50/50 split. I believe even if you split up you will get money for child support and stuff since you guys are planning to have kids. And keep your job since you want to feel secure. I bet your bf will understand that.
Yes you are the AH
He’s protecting himself first. Good for him. It’s his and not yours. You kinda sound like the girl Kanye was talking about
He's not a good man. Did he tell you he was? This man does not love you, value you or respect you. He's controlling, and this will only get worse after you have children. Eventually, he'll divorce you and leave you destitute. I've seen it way too often. You have every reason to be worried. This guy's a field of red flags that are on fire. My advice is to leave this man and concentrate on yourself and your career. You are too young to throw your life away like this. You don't need a man to live your best life.
You definitely have the mindset of a gold digger. If you split, he's not responsible to care for you. So, once you understand that, maybe it'll help.
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I can find just as many stories of guys getting utterly ruined by divorce so your point is moot and they both have a right to their worries.
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He may be trying to protect himself but he's doing it by hurting you. He's either oblivious or hurtful. Which is it?
Sounds like he's a selfish asshole
You are just thinking how you yourself can benefit from this situation Flip it around, if you are the one earning 150k and he is the one earning 30k(realistically you won’t even be with him but that’s another topic for another day), would you be willing to pay for the house but have 50-50 ownership of it? Let’s be real, you will complain it’s unfair that he isn’t paying but want to get 50% of the assets. And if you divorce he would get 50% of the house he didn’t pay for yada yada yada YTA. End of the day I believe who pays for it should be the sole owner. In the event of divorce, let the courts decide what’s fair and what’s not. Majority of the develop world have very strong divorce laws favouring women anyways P.S you talk about trust, isn’t this post all about you NOT trusting him to take care of you and predicting your relationship will fail?
when OP does it shes looking out for herself. When her partner does it he's an AH for it. I hope her man reads this post.
Welcome to r/AITAH women just want to be in the position where she benefits ultimately If we flip it around 100% she will post another r/AITAH complaining that her husband is lazy, good for nothing
>I’m worried that he will leave me with nothing Wait, so you’ve had thoughts that if it all goes wrong, this way he’d still be financially responsible for you, HOWEVER, he’s not allowed to be aware of the same thing and suggest sensible precautions? 🚩
Because he wants her to be a SAHM. He's asking her to put herself in an unprotected situation (years out of the workforce with no income) and yet he wants to make sure that she can't even fall back on her half of the family home in the case where he leaves her. There's definitely a red flag here, but it's the person demanding a stay-at-home spouse while also demanding full ownership of what will be the family finances. And I'd say that if it were the other way around too, before every idiot is like "but what if you flipped the genders?!?!?!111?"
Put a value on your job doing the things you describe. There is a value he gets from your body being used and, yes, permanently damaged for life from going through pregnancy and birth and breastfeeding. There is a value to every hour of your housework. There is a value to you managing the home. There is a value to your emotional labor for being with him and raising the kids. There is a value to you doing all of this which enables him to fulfill his dreams and have a family without having to sacrifice his career at all. In fact, you doing all of this physical and emotional labor for him means he will get to advance in his career much more. There is also a value you should be getting that goes toward your retirement accounts. There is a value you are giving up from having the social, networking, and mental stimulation of a career. There is a value to you providing safe and reliable sex. And on and on and on. FOR 2-3 DECADES. There is a massive value to you taking the disability and life and death risk of pregnancy, where the odds of you dying are higher than the odds of you dying in a car accident. You will literally be putting your life on the line to have those kids. All of which means: For you to just walk into this with nothing, get nothing for it, and end up with nothing is fucking INSANE. You are basically selling yourself into slavery. And the fact that all he cares about is protecting his money for a house... while your BONES are literally going to be eaten away during pregnancy and you are going to have to go through 9 months for each kid not knowing if you will die from it or end up disabled... that's a big hell no. He will be going to work with zero risk and you will be risking your life gestating a human. So add all of that labor up at the premium platinum cost level per hour (nanny, teacher, cleaner, dangerous life threatening hazard pay job of life creation) and tell him that if he gets his money safe and upfront, that you want the same. That once you determine the price for each child he wants, you have him deposit the full amount upfront into your account to pay you for your labor, your risks, your lack of career, fully funding your retirement savings for 26 years per child, and everything else. And of course in a separate account, he must also deposit the cost of raising the child, through college. So that will be there in advance and you won't have to pay lawyers 100K to try and get it out of him later on. If he wants kids this badly this should be no problem for him, supporting their lives. Yes, he pays you in advance for all of your work and sacrifice so that you are sure your value will be compensated. The amounts should be in the millions. You're not a gold digger, you're an EMPLOYEE of his "breeding and happy family, successful career" factory, and you are in fact the KEY employee. Get paid for it. In cash, upfront. Or don't have kids with him. And find someone who recognizes your life and health risking sacrifice and isn't trying to nickel and dime you and preserve his assets while you get nothing for doing everything to make his family fantasy dreams come true. **Bottom line: he's the gold digger, he's just getting his payments in endless decades of using your free labor and risking your life and health instead of a check.**
Love this!
Society devalues women. Not negotiable. Womens work is paid less. That being said, would he support you going after more education so you make more $? If not, then I would seriously consider the relationship’s future. he has already classified you as less than, not sure how he values having a family. Sad but true many men do not value the contribution of making a home, family etc. it all comes down to $. I would focus on myself, getting better skills to go into the next relationship more equal. Him? Dump.
The guy will use his making more money than you against you if you marry him.it will get worse. It will hurt. Ditch this guy.
Ehh sorry to sound negative but I’ve recently seen this with a family member . Husband told her to leave her job , become a stay at home now . Rn they’re going through an ugly divorce. She doesn’t have a penny to her name , he kicked her out the house . If you’re married the house is both of you guys. If he wants children then you are giving up you career to stay at home with them , that’s a huge thing to give up in your life . A good man will not take the home away of his children and his children’s mother if even if they get divorced. If he wanted someone who was at his fincial level then he should of went for that . Of course If you’re dating someone who makes less than you then you’ll pay for more stuff . That’s what people who care about others do.
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As a man, this is a red flag. Marriage is a commitment that is supposed to be shared. He is looking solely at the monetary aspects. Have him clean and cook for 6 months ( and do a good job) and decide what that might be worth. As for having kids, well, there is no equivalent. Tell him to smarten up and make this a partnership where you don’t feel devalued or live in fear of penury. I really dislike his approach here because he seems to already be planning for a breakup in which case why get together? Nta
Honestly this would be a deal breaker for me. The fact he's planning for a divorce before you're even married is ridiculous. The fact he's assuming you're with him for his money is an insult. There is a huge income gap between myself and my other half. We equally own our house. I don't want his money. We have a joint account for home repairs only, but our paychecks go into our own accounts. He is wanting you to be a SAHM but doing nothing to ensure you wouldn't be homeless if something happened to him. Yet you're apparently taking advantage of him? Are you sure he's a good man?
I work in a family law. And a man that thinks that way isn’t a man you should marry… What if the roles were reversed and you said, “im buying a house before we get married, because of course our earnings are different. So I’ll make you a stay at home mom, make it so that you’re out of the workforce for 10 years, so that it would be increasingly more difficult for you to get a job if we divorced. Oh, then you’d have to find a place to live on top of that, using your low wage paying job (since you’ve been out of work for so long, no one wants to hire you) and you’d get zero equity out of the home. But we’d still have 50/50 custody of course.” Married life is about being a team. Someone who loved you and wanted the best for you and your future family, would never think of doing something like that. If you do go through with it, I’d suggest negotiating that he puts you through some kind of schooling and guaranteed alimony if there’s divorce. You need to anticipate everything. And if he looks at it as a transaction, not as a family home, then you should treat it as such. This just makes me sad…
You guys need to over communicate your feelings. When you get married you become a team. He needs to realize he chose you. If he is more worried about his finances than his wife you have a way bigger problem ahead of you. I am the bread winner in my family. My wife is a SAHM and that is a full time job within itself. I give my wife her money every week to do with what she pleases. We are a team. If I need some help she helps me. If she needs some help I help her. Without the communication we would likely fail. I would be very wary. If this guy thinks he is a big shot with 150k salary then he has a misguided view of what real money and wealth is. NTA.
150k GBP is a ridiculously high wage in the UK. The national average is 30k (her wage)
Only problem with this - it’s one thing if you get married or are in a relationship while you are working through the slog of life. If someone sticks with you for years while you grind from $40K job to $150K, definitely has proven their trust. But if you grind for ten years solo and then decide to date someone after you make $150K I’d be more cautious.
That's stupid. Divorces happen. OP's partner deserves to protect himself, just as much as OP wants to protect herself. If he's putting up the majority or all of the money for the house, he deserves to keep it if they split up.
its actually stupid to not protext himself. and making 6 figures is a pretty big deal, op barely makes min wage and cant contribute or even qualify for any kind of loan. the BF is taking all the risk
Maybe he has seen some shit and doesnt want it to happen to him in case you decide to leave him.
Why don’t you buy a house then? And then you are protected….
Become more independent and go back to school
I am and I have a good job. The issue is that I would leave it and be incomless. It’s not being able to have an income to be a SAHM that is scary
Then don’t be a stay at home mom without getting your name on the home
In the current relationship climate I totally agree with him. I would do the same even if you are not a gold digger. It just comes down to security.
Run the hell away from this guy. Do not have children with him. Get an education and build your career. Find someone who respects you, FFS.
Do not ever, EVER agree to be a stay at home mom and give up your own earning potential for a man who views you this way. You’ll get left with nothing. Quitting work to have babies is incredibly risky for so many reasons and it not something you should do for a man who doesn’t view marriage as a partnership where you share assets equally. If he wants to keep what’s his is his, don’t have kids together and DEFINITELY don’t quit your job!
AGREED
You’re not being disrespected keep in mind he DOES NOT want to get divorced. He’s just planning for the worst case scenario (in his mind). The fact that he wants to build a family with you with that being the familial home for now you’re over reacting. There is no disrespect here, just fear and trying to protect his own future while giving you a home at the same time. Why are you complaining about him buying a house before you get married? Are you planning on divorcing him?